All language subtitles for Stuart.Saves.His.Family.1995

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STUART: I deserve good things.
I'm entitled to my share
of happiness.

I refuse to beat myself up.
I am an attractive person.

I am fun to be with.

ANNOUNCER: [ON TV]
Daily Affirmation with
Stuart Smalley.

Stuart Smalley
is a caring nurturer.

A member of several
12-step programs.

But not a licensed therapist.

I'm going to do a terrific
show today.

And I'm going to help people,

because I'm good enough,

I'm smart enough,
and doggone it, people
like me.

Hello, I'm Stuart Smalley.

And as you know, I am
a perfectionist, which
is one of my problems,

and that's okay because
I own my perfectionism.

Anyway, because
I am a perfectionist
I tend to be very rigid.

But today I've decided
to take a risk and
wear a new sweater.

It was sent to me by a
recovering sex addict
Melissa D.,

who knitted it herself.

She said it gave her something
to do with her hands.

And Melissa writes...

"Your show is a lifesaver.

"Since it is on at noon,
it allows me to put the
focus on me,

"where it belongs and keep
it there for the rest of
the day."

Well, Melissa,
I have some bad news.

Because I was just
told by a certain person

who shall go nameless,

that my show will no longer
air at noon.

That from now on it will
be on at 2:45 a.m.,

following a hair
replacement infomercial.

And I am very angry
and that's okay.

I now realize that I am
entitled to my anger

and that's
a big step for me

because I used to be
afraid of my anger.

And that's why I stuffed
my anger,

and why I also stuffed my
face, which is why I weighed

nearly 300 pounds,
you know, before
I got into O.A.,

Overeaters Anonymous.

Which is where the person
who made this decision,

Roz Weinstock
belongs, if you ask me,

because she is a grandiose,
shame-based overeater,

sick in her own disease,
and weighs over 200 pounds,

and has a hideous haircut.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Um, that was...

A big mistake.

I probably shouldn't
have said that.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS][MUSIC PLAYING]

I just can't believe
I did that.

So, you made a mistake.
Human beings make mistakes.

Well, thank you.
That's very comforting.

I'm gonna die homeless
and penniless.

I'm still 25 pounds
overweight.

No one will ever love me.
I could...

I could kill myself.

Stuart, that is just
stinkin' thinkin'.

You've got to stop beating
yourself up over this.

I know. MAN: Ahem.

Psst!

I've gotta go.Ahem!

[SIGHS] Have you had enough
time to look at the menu?

We've had enough time
to memorize the menu.

I'm sorry, I'm having
a personal crisis.
Can I take your order?

For my wife,
the penne arabiata.

And uh, I will
try the osso buco.

You know, the osso buco
is extremely fatty.
You might want to try the...

I'll try the osso buco.

And also the mixed
baby field greens.

Low-cal vinaigrette?

Creamy Caesar. On the side?

On the salad!

Thank you.

And I'd like another
double scotch.

No.

What? What am I going to do?

Oh, poor baby.

Why don't you make
an amends to her?

Tell her how upset you
were about the schedule
changes,

and how
genuinely sorry you are.
She's gotta accept that.

Oh, Julia,
you don't know Roz.

She...she's like a
cootie or something.
I, I can't...

Talk to her.

Hi, Laurie.

I have a 9:30 appointment
to make an amends to Roz.

Oh, yeah.
[CLEARS THROAT]

Stuart Smalley, for his 9:30.

ROZ: Tell him
I'm in a meeting.

She's in a meeting.

I'll just have a seat.
I'll sit...

Yes. Yes.

So I'll be seated.

I loved your show.

Really?

I find it very comforting.

[SOBBING]

It's okay.
It's okay, Laurie. Mmm-hmm.

Let it hurt. Feel the pain. [SNIFFLES]

I don't know what to do.

Well, there is
a support group
for people

who live with compulsive
gamblers and I think,
they could help

a lot more than me.

And, and that would be
taking an action.

In fact, that's what
I'm doing right now,
taking an action.

I want my show back

so I'm making
an amends and maybe
Roz will forgive me.

She despises you.

Laurie, order me a...

Roz? I, I know you
don't want to talk to me.

Actually,
I've been looking
forward to this all day.

Cheeseburger.

First of all, I have
a confession.

When I walked into this
building, two and a half
hours ago,

I was going to make
an amends for calling you

a grandiose,
shame-based overeater.

But it wasn't really
an amends.

It was just a ploy
to get my show back.

Could we cut to the chase?

I guess what I'm
trying to say is...

I had no right to blow up
and call you names.

Because when we attack
people, it's...

We're really acting
out our own shame.

What's really important here
is not whether or not I get
my show back.

What matters is, is that
I begin to heal my own

self-inflicted wound, by
expressing personally to you

just how truly sorry
I am for what I did.

Stuart...

I guess I just never
realized how deeply
you feel about this stuff.

And I'm glad
you came today

because otherwise, I might
not have had the chance
to give you these letters.

"Dear Sir, I have never
written to a television
station before,

"but when I saw that
you canceled Stuart Smalley,

"I just had to say
'Thank you',

"to whoever took
that simpering nut
case off the air."

[LAUGHS]
I've been collecting these.

"Thank you for making it
safe to channel surf again.

"If I had to hear any more of

"that touchy-feely New Age
drool about letting go or
detaching, I would have tied

"my family up and
detached their heads!"
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

Oh, here's a good one,
from a Holocaust survivor
in Skokie.

Actually prefers
our Skinhead Hour
to your show.

[LAUGHS]

[ROZ CONTINUES LAUGHING]

You are a horrible,
nasty, dysfunctional...

Weenie!

Julia, right? Hi. Yes, hi.

Okay, now, Carl, Stuart's
O.A. sponsor, this is Julia,
Stuart's Al-Anon sponsor.

Hi.

I'm Fred, Stuart's Debtor's
Anonymous sponsor. Hello.

And this is... Jerry.

Jerry, Stuart's Adult Children
of Alcoholics sponsor. Yeah.

Hi. Hi.

Well, should we...Yes, let's go.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Stuart? It's Carl.

Look, I know you lost
your show and I'm sorry

but shutting everybody
out is a form of isolating.
You've done this before.

STUART: Go away.

Stuart, it's Jerry.
You're in a shame
spiral, buddy.

STUART: Tell me something
I don't know.

JERRY: Stuart, you're turning
the anger inward and that's
why you're depressed.

You're angry at yourself
for losing the show.

Go away.

Stuart, open the goddamn door!

JULIA: I didn't mean that.
I owe you an amends.

We're just here to tell you
you're a terrific, wonderful
person and we love you.

[SOBBING] I'm sorry.

I'm just not ready
to see anybody.
Just come back later.

Maybe...maybe when
I run out of Fig Newtons.

[PHONE RINGING]

[BEEPS]

[SOBBING] Stuart, it's Jodie.

You have to come home.
Aunt Paula died.
[SOBBING]

STUART: Dear Journal,

as I am sucked inexorably
toward home, I am filled
with dread.

But perhaps I can use this
trip to come to grips

with some of my
family of origin issues.

Trace it, face it and erase
it, as we say in Al-Anon.

My father is an active
alcoholic, big, stinking drunk

and so was his father,
William.

William had two brothers
and one sister,
my aunt, Paula.

Why, you're in a
giddy mood today.

Well, why shouldn't I be?
I'm a man blessed

with a three-day weekend
after a tough week's work.

I wanna do something wild
and abandoned.

STUART: I loved Aunt Paula.

She was an old maid,
so she helped

take care of my brother,
Donnie, my sister, Jodie
and me.

I'd lay across her lap
and she'd tickle my back,
while we watched TV.

And I'd get goose bumps
and laugh atThe
Dick Van Dyke Show.

Anyway, Aunt Paula lived
a long, full life.

In fact, she outlived all her
brothers by 30 years,

basically, because
she didn't drink.

There's lots of ways to die
from alcoholism,

liver disease,
car accidents, sure.

But Smalley men
fall off the roof.

[SCREAMS]

In fact, three Smalley men
have met their maker while
changing the storm window.

Actually, that's not true.

Uncle Frank got
smashed one afternoon

and went up on the
roof to trim the big elm.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

The doctor said he was
dead well before he hit
the ground.

So, death is something we
Smalleys can pretty much
deal with.

It's life that seems
to be the problem.

Take, for example, my
pot-smoking unemployed
brother, Donnie.

I thought Jodie
was picking me up.

Tommy slashed
her tires again.

But she got
a restraining order. Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

Well, not to be judgmental,
but he is the worst
ex-husband yet.

How's Dad?
What, what's he up to?

About a quart a day.
Mom's the one who's
driving me crazy.

Believe me, the minute
I find work, I am history.

Well, this trip I promised
myself to simply detach.

Now, this trip is about
Aunt Paula and honoring
her

and remembering her and I
simply refuse to get enmeshed
in the family craziness.

I'm gonna let go
and let God and just
stay serene.

[ENGINE REVVING]

I totaled the Accord.
Hop on.

I thought Minnesota
had a helmet law!

STUART: They say you
can't go home again.
In my case, make that...

You're crazy to go
home again.

Seeing my mother is always
like a trip to the dentist

before the advent of
modern painkillers.

Hi, Mom. Hi.

Oh, be careful, honey.
You don't want to get
splattered.

Well, you've been busy,
lots of food.

Oh, well, as a rule,
it's better to have too
much than too little.

Or maybe I just don't know
how to cook for a funeral.

I didn't mean to be
critical, Mom.

It, it's just that,
you know, we're gonna
have like 20 people.

I mean, Aunt Paula died,
not, you know, the Queen
of England.

Now, what is that comment
supposed to mean?

I know, I'm sorry, I didn't...

It's a beautiful spread, Mom.
And, and I owe you an amends.

Amends? Is that one of
those funny words that you
use in your little TV show?

Well, um, actually
I'm not going to be
doing that anymore.

It's kind of a
mutual decision.

[SCOFFS] They fired him.

Oh. I told you that
would happen, didn't I?

Oh, yeah, you did.

MOM: I hope that that helped
to prepare you
for the disappointment.

Oh, well, what is this?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mom.
It's, it's my...
[CLEARS THROAT]

...journal.
In fact, I just got it.

Ah.

I plan to write down
everything that happens to me,

you know, how I feel
about things.

It's going to be
pretty much the
story of my life.

I got a good title for it,
"Waste of Space."

[CHUCKLES]

Hi, Dad.

Uh-huh.

STUART: "Waste of Space."
Nice.

That's what Dad always
called me when I was
growing up.

Hey, Dad, what do you say,
you and me tomorrow,

we get really loaded, we go
up on the roof, change the
storm windows?

Nobody's changing any
windows tomorrow.

We got a funeral.

STUART: Seeing Aunt Paula
in that coffin hit me pretty
hard.

But my sister Jodie
went right into a
lumbar spasm.

[SOBBING]

You know, Aunt Paula was
the best person in this
entire family

and nobody gives a damn.

I mean, Dad hated her.
Donnie just thinks this
is one big joke and...

Well, all Mom cares about
is her stupid glazed ham.

You know, Jodie, I think
all this stress is going
right to your back.

I mean, raising a son
on your own.

Tommy slashing your tires,
you know, and...

And, and your weight,
more of the stress.

So, I was thinking, well...

Stuart, I am not going
to an Overeaters Anonymous
meeting.

Okay. Forget I said it.

[GUESTS WHISPERING]

Madelyn Doyle.
I served in the WACs
with Paula.

Hello. Are you Stuart?

Yes, I am.

Oh. I remember you
when you were this high.

And this wide.

Thanks for...for coming.

See you at the reception.Uh, no.

Bye-bye.

[GRUMBLES]

DAD: What the hell
are they doing here?

They've got some nerve.

They're not coming
to the reception.

I'll throw them
out of my goddamn house.

STUART: Dad's hated Cousin Ray
ever since Ray accidentally"
poisoned our dog.

Read about Aunt Paula
in the paper, Denise and I
couldn't be sorrier.

And I mean that in
the sincerest way possible.

Up yours.

I understand
it's a difficult time.

Just one question,
where do you plan to
bury the old soul?

I'm so sad about Aunt Paula.

Why?

Because she died.

Yes. Yes. It's a bummer.

What do you suppose
Cousin Ray meant when
he asked

where we plan
to bury Aunt Paula?

What do you think
that was all about?

Oh... He's a jerk.

This is classic
Smalley family bullshit.

Ray wants to bury his
mother-in-law in the family
plot next to Uncle Frank.

Denise's mother?
Why...why can't they
bury her there?

Well, she's not dead.

After she dies, why can't
they bury both Aunt Paula
and Denise's mother there?

I thought there were
two graves left in the,
in the family plot.

You know, unless somebody
snuck somebody in there
when we weren't looking.

Look. All I know is if
Ray Ray wants trouble, me
and Dad will give it to him.

Donnie, it's a funeral.

Mind if I move your bong?

No. You know, just,
be careful with it.

STUART: Donnie was getting
more like Dad every day.

And now that he was living
at home again, it was getting
even worse.

Dad was not what you'd
call a great role model.

As I thought back on our
childhood, I remembered
he wasn't always so bad.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

-BOY: Donnie, Donnie!
Right here!
-YOUNG STUART: I'm open! Pass!

BOY: Come on, pass it!
I'm open!

I got it! Oops...

Oh, great, just great.

STUART: When we first moved
into our house, we lived
next door to this guy

who all the kids just hated.

We called him
Mean Mr. Dimmit.

I told you kids to
keep the ball out
of my yard!

-Hut, hut, hike!
-BOY: Let's go.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, my God, it's Dad.
Get down.

Dad, Mean Mr. Dimmit
stole our ball. Yeah, he just took it.

Hi, Dad.

-Let's go.
-Come on

STUART: Dad charged off to
find Mr. Dimmit and get our
football back.

[OPENS DOOR]

Maybe you'd like to pick on
someone with pubic hair?

Huh?

You gonna give me the ball?
Or would you like me to
shove it up your ass?

You wanna hear my
preference?

Nuts.

Okay, let's go home.

It was great. And Dad said,
"Why don't you pick on
someone with puberty?"

[CHUCKLES] Didn't you Dad?

STUART: That night, all of
us just glowed with pride
as Donnie and I recounted

the victorious
confrontation for Mom,

while Dad held onto
that football with his
big strong hands.

Dad was our hero,
at least that night.

Aunt Paula's last request
was for a peaceful,
serene funeral.

Lots of luck
in this family.

Sure enough, when we got
to the cemetery there was

Cousin Ray with
two policemen,

and a court order saying
we couldn't bury Aunt Paula.

What the hell?

STUART: Dad was pissed.

Mr. Smalley, I'm so sorry,
I missed you at the...

You son of a bitch! Mr. Smalley, Mr. Smalley,
I'm sorry, but Mr. Lawson

does have a legal contract
guaranteeing his mother-in-law

a place in the Smalley
family plot.

And since
all but one of the graves
is currently occupied...

But there's supposed
to be two of them!
Who's in the other one?

Who the hell did you put
in the other grave?

Well, that's for me to know
and you to find out.

All right, all right.
That's it!

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

You know my aunt, Paula,
paid for that plot!

With money she could have
used to help my family after
my father fell off the roof!

I made a ham for your father.

And that's about it.That was not a quality ham!

Now unless you can produce
some sort of document, I don't
know what else I can...

We're really not very good
at organizing, you know,
papers, insurance forms,

warranties, that sort of
thing, I told Dad
to get a drawer.

Uh-huh. You see, Officer,
this is really

about alcoholism,
which is really
a family disease.

[GRUNTS] Ha!

Pull her out.

Please show some respect.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

DAD: I'm a taxpayer damn it!

STUART: That was the first
time Dad had actually slugged
a cop on purpose.

Cancel the reception.

[GASPS] Are you insane?
I made all that food.

My aunt, Paula, is not
in the ground.

We are not canceling
the reception.

Jodie, Stuart!

You heard Dad.
Cancel the reception!

[SOBBING]

God damn it.
Do as I tell you.

PRIEST: Our Father,
who art in Heaven,
hallowed be thy name...

STUART: The next day
we laid Aunt Paula to rest
in a Catholic cemetery,

even though
she was a Presbyterian.

But I don't think that meant
she was any farther from
her Higher Power.

Dad just glared at Mom
throughout the whole thing
because she had disobeyed him

and had the reception.

Donnie was in a real bad
mood because he hadn't
smoked any pot

and had just spent an entire
night in a cell with Dad,

who hadn't had
anything to drink.

Jodie felt really sick
because she had scarfed

the entire seven pound
glazed ham at the reception.

And I was upset because now
the whole thing wasn't about
Aunt Paula anymore.

It was about Dad and his
drinking and the whole
family craziness.

Then Jodie took
my hand and I felt this
chill run up my spine,

as if she was saying,
it was up to me to save
my entire family.

It made me want to jump into
the grave with Aunt Paula

and let her tickle
my back forever.

As soon as I got back
to Chicago,

I put on my pajamas
and went to bed...
for six days.

Between losing Aunt Paula
and losing my show,

it dawned on me
that my life really sucked.

[BANGING ON DOOR]

Stuart, it's Laurie.

Laurie? I have something for you.

I quit my job, Stuart.

I told Roz I wouldn't work
for an abusive boss anymore.

"Dear Stuart, your show
gave me the courage to
feel my feelings.

"And to feel my
feelings about my feelings.

"And my feelings about my
feelings about my feelings.

"And my...
God bless you.

"Amanda Q."

The people at the support
group told me I wasn't

responsible for my
boyfriend's debts.

You saved my life!

Maybe that's a little strong.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

Thanks for coming, you guys.

Oh, come on in.
I've got plenty of cookies.

How're you doing?Great. Yes.

How do I look? Horrible.

Yeah, I know.

Believe me,
I don't smell
so great, either.

STUART: Laurie brought maybe
100 letters from people
who loved my show.

Co-dependents, overeaters,
rage-aholics, you know,
my people.

It made me
realize that I do have
a gift, however tenuous.

I shouldn't say that.
I have a gift. I have a gift.

Anyway, Julia reminded me
that I won't have
anything to give,

if I don't take care of me.

♪ You'll be swell

♪ You'll be great

♪ Gonna have the whole
world on a plate

♪ Startin' here
Startin' now

♪ Honey everything's

♪ coming up roses

STUART: Every morning,
like clockwork, a one-mile
walk-jog,

because, you know, you
don't want to kill yourself.

♪ Blow a kiss.

♪ Take a bow

♪ Honey, everything's
coming up roses ♪

STUART: And of course, my
meetings, mainly Overeaters
Anonymous and Al-Anon.

But Debtors Anonymous
too, because I have
a lot of money issues.

For example,
having very little.

And every day, I remind
myself just how far I've come

and how grateful
I am to be in recovery.

That attitude of gratitude,
it ain't just a platitude.

So for now I'm happy to have
my life on an even keel,

because I am an adult
and I refuse to live
from crisis to crisis.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello. Stuart? It's Jodie.

Donnie's suing me.

Well, why is Donnie
suing you, Jodie?

STUART: Jodie was halfway
through a Sara Lee going
absolutely nuts

because the whole
family was ready to kill each
other over Aunt Paula's will,

and now she wanted
me to come home
and fix everything.

So, basically, Aunt Paula
left my family her house,
which is worth about $60,000.

That makes my share
about 12,000,

which, as you know,
I need desperately.

So what's the problem?

Or the Gazpacho?
I could recommend
the Gazpach...

The problem is,

Aunt Paula made Jodie
the executor of her estate.

And now Jodie says we can't
sell the house because of some
problem with the neighbor.

What kind of problem?

I don't know.
Jodie was kind of vague.

She's not really very...
Oh, what's the word? Um...

Smart, I guess you could say.

And now, Donnie's all
upset and he's threatening
to sue her.

And Jodie wants
me to come home, which I
really feel that I should.

But then I think I should
just stay out of it,

and even though
I really need the money,

I should give
Jodie my share.

Listen to me, I'm should-ing
all over myself.

Stuart, we all want to go
home and save our families,
but we can't.

We're not that powerful.

And trying to just makes
us feel even more powerless
and more screwed up.

I know. I have been
through this whole
thing myself.

You want my advice?
Don't go.

You're right. I shouldn't.

STUART: The Smalleys
were never very good
with money.

My father grew up in
the Great Depression,
his mother's.

And there never was much
when we were kids.

And for some reason I was
always looking for a way
to bail the family out.

MAN 1: [SINGING ON TV]
♪ Be a good day

♪ May the Lord
always watch

♪ over you

Good night, everybody.

MAN 2: [ON TV]
Wow, a car full of cash.

Whose is it?

Nobody's yet.
It's first prize in
the Ajax Sweepstakes.

Look at all that money. How do you enter?

Easy. Help name
the Ajax White Knight.

They got a thousand prizes.
Come on, folks.
Now, stand back. Please?

ANNOUNCER: [ON TV]
Enter the Ajax Sweepstakes.
Help name the White Knight.

[WHISTLE BLOWING] And you may ride off
with a fortune...

Sir Clean-A-Lot.

ANNOUNCER: [ON TV]
...where you buy
Ajax laundry detergent.

OFFICER: [ON TV] No samples,
ma'am. You want to win,
get an entry blank.

"In case of tie, winner
will be determined by
earliest postmark."

STUART: I was convinced
I had the perfect name.

And got to the post office,
at exactly 9:00 a.m.,
the next morning.

So you've already
sent it in?Uh-huh.

[SIGHS] Well...

I just don't want
you to be horribly crushed
when you don't win.

What was your name again?

Sir Clean-A-Lot. Hmm...

I don't know why
I can't remember that.

It's the Ajax White Knight.

He cleans, you know, a lot.

Mmm, well, I don't know.

[CROWD APPLAUDING ON TV]

STUART: When the big night
finally arrived,

Dad had a new nickname for me.

Here we go.

Is Sir Eat-A-Lot
getting a little nervous? Hmm?

[LAUGHS] Sir Eat-A-Lot.

STUART: I was already
nostalgic for Waste of Space.

Now a word from our friends
at Colgate-Palmolive.

STUART: At about 8:57 my heart
was pounding and I was trying
to block

my family out of my
consciousness and pray that
the name was Sir Clean-A-Lot.

Six weeks ago tonight,
we announced

the "Name the Ajax
White Knight" contest.

Well, two million entries
later we have a winner.

This is it, Sir Eat-A-Lot's
moment of triumph.[LAUGHS]

The winner of the
"Name the Ajax White Knight"
contest

and the winner of a brand
new 1967 Pontiac Bonneville
filled with cash is...

Mrs. Carl Hesby of
Council Bluffs, Iowa.

There must be some
mistake, Stuart.

You can't be
Mrs. Carl Hesby, can you?

And the name submitted
by Mrs. Hesby,

the name of
the Ajax White Knight is...

...Sir Lancelot.

Sir Lancelot?

That is a better name. [BOTH LAUGHING]

HOST: [ON TV]
Congratulations, Mrs. Hesby,
you're a very creative woman.

Your family must
be very proud.

DONNIE: [LAUGHING]
Sir Clean-A-Lot

DONNIE: Jodie is a liar.
Either that or she's just
crazy or both.

I mean, the idea of
Jodie [CHUCKLES] being
in charge of anything.

I mean, just because she
went shopping for Aunt Paula
a couple of times.

I mean, I took care
of her car.

Good point.
What's the problem
with Aunt Paula's neighbor?

I mean, why can't
we sell her house?

'Cause the guy's a jerk.

Part of Aunt Paula's house
slops onto his property,

so we gotta
pay an easement.

What...what's an easement?

An easement is...

...money that you've
gotta pay a guy

when your house slops
onto his property.

And Jodie went over to
negotiate with him and,
like an idiot,

she offers him $3,000,
3,000 for a little easement.

I mean, when Dad heard
this, he flipped out.

Your shot. I shoot the stripey ones?

Yeah, the stripey ones.

Anyway, I got this lawyer
to handle it, and that's
not working out.

And Jodie doesn't trust
me and Dad anymore.

So you gotta talk to
this guy tomorrow.

I have to?

You gotta try and chisel
him down a little.

Beer.

Donnie, how you doing?

Is that your brother?

Yeah.

Hey, Donnie's brother,
have a beer with us.

Oh, no, thank you.
You see, I don't drink.

Oh, come on,
have a beer with us.

Oh, you know, that's
really very kind of you,
but I just had a diet soda

and I'm a little,
you know, gassy.

What, you think you're too
good to drink a beer with us?

Is that what you think?

Oh! [LAUGHS] No, no.

Ah! You see, I've always been
too scared to drink because

uh, well, I think my family
has the gene, you know,
for alcoholism.

You know, genetics.

We know genetics.
What, do you think
we're stupid?

I mean, look, numb nuts,
either you drink a beer
with us,

or I'm gonna drink it
and spit it down your
throat.

Maybe just a sip.

Stuart, don't drink it.

He'd better drink it.

Don't drink it.

Look, you lay a finger
on my brother, I'll hit
you so hard,

your relatives will die.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, no. Yeah.

Donnie, please, stop.

Wait, wait, wait.
No. No, wait.

Can I ask you a question?

When you were growing up
did your dad ever hit you?

Sure. Of course.

Yeah, I thought so.

Because I think
you're acting out the shame

and powerlessness of that
tiny frightened child that's
still inside of you.

And you might feel a lot
better if you could say to
your inner child,

"Hello, little child.

"I'm going to protect you.

"And no one will ever
hurt you again."

Want to try saying that?

[GRUNTS] [GLASS SHATTERS]

[GRUNTING]

Come here!

Donnie, thanks for
standing up for me.

Yeah. No, really, I appreciate it.

Yeah, well, let's just
drop it, all right?

Okay.

MAN: [ON TV] He takes up high.
He is struck out, bounced
into a forced play and walked.

Nine walks and a hit batter

from the Saints staff tonight,
here is one hammered down[SNORING]

the left field line,
this'll score at least two.

STUART: I've heard everyone's
version of this whole dispute

and I am totally disgusted
with each and every
member of my family.

But get this, Donnie's
lawyer isn't
charging him a thing.

They're old drinking
buddies from the Navy,
so he's doing it as a favor.

Some favor.

He's not paying any attention
because he's not getting paid.

So the whole thing's
just degenerated.

Stuart,
you don't have to do this.

You don't have
to be the hero.

Oh, God, Julia, there are,
there are no boundaries
in this household.

[SCOFFS]

Every little thing
you do is... [DIALING]

Mom? Mom.

Mom.[DIALING CONTINUES]

Mom. Oh, oh. I'm sorry.

Are you on the phone?

Yes.

[LAUGHS] Well, I'm sorry.

Who are you talking to,
sweetheart?

A friend.

Oh, someone I know?

It's my sponsor from
Al-Anon.

It's a 12-step group
I joined because I come from
such a screwed up family.

All right, then.
Have a good chat.

STUART: Aunt Paula's house
was considered a fixer-upper.

To me it looked more
like a blower-upper.

But the big problem was
somebody screwed up
a long time ago,

and two feet of Aunt Paula's
house was on her neighbor's
property.

So there was no way
we could sell the house

unless I could settle
this easement problem
with the neighbor.

Hi. Are, are you
Orville Egeberg?

I'm sorry.
I'm Stuart Smalley.

I would have called you but
my sister said that you don't
like to talk on the phone.

Um... [CLEARS THROAT]
As you know, my aunt, Paula,
was your neighbor for, um...

I guess since World War II.
I guess you weren't close.

Anyway, when she died,
she left the house to
my family

and made my sister, Jodie,
the executor of the estate.

As you know, we cannot get
a mortgage and thus split up
the inheritance on the house

until we get the
easement from you.

And of course, you have
sent Jodie a letter

agreeing to grant
us the easement for
$3,000,

which she agreed to verbally
or orally, whatever.

I thought we had
an agreement.

Uh, yes.
But the thing is, um...

I am the new executor.

And my father and brother have
asked me to come to you,

to try to get the
figure, uh...

Down.

STUART: So, I thought this
might be a good time
for a family meeting,

a chance to give you guys
a little update.

Stuart, I gotta pick up
Kyle at the pool.

What's this about?

Okay. Um, let's see.

I, um... [CLEARS THROAT]
Talked to Mr. Egeberg,

and um, it did not...

...go well.

You fucked up.

Yes. Oh!

So, he won't change the price.

Uh, no.
Actually, uh, he did.
He did change the price.

Um, now he wants...

Um...

Ten, 10,000.

I don't deserve this! Oh, sure you do!

It was your idea to have
this moron talk to the man.

Wait a minute. Hold on.

We still have the letter.
He cannot do this.

That's right. That's right.
We have the letter.

What letter?

The letter from Egeberg.

Okay, um, this,
this is interesting.

I talked to a lawyer
who I'm paying for myself.

And he's a very good lawyer.
He went to Yale, where
the Clintons went.

And he said that by
asking Mr. Egeberg
to lower his price,

we essentially
revoked our agreement.

He can do this.
The letter's no good.

I need a drink.

I will never
escape this shit.

Stop it! Jesus Christ!

You know, the only thing
that's wrong with this family

is that we don't
stand up for ourselves.

Now when you talked to this
asshole were you two alone?

Yes.

No one around?

No. No one around.

Oh, sorry, I didn't
go to Yale. Yes!

Will someone please tell me
what's happening?

The conversation
never took place.

You know I can't do that,
Donnie.

Well, you're just
gonna have to choose
between us and Egeberg!

No, between you
and the truth.

Oh, Jesus.

The truth?

I'll be right back.

Anybody else want a drink?
[LAUGHING]

Stuart, I know Donnie
can be unreasonable.
He almost sued me.

But he's very smart.
And sometimes he has
some good ideas.

So please, please don't
dismiss this lying thing just
because Donnie thought of it.

All right, let's talk
about the truth.

Some for you.

Some for you.

Some for you.

Xerox copies of
Stuart's journal.

I've taken the liberty of
underlining some of the
more fascinating entries.

"I am disgusted with each
and every member of my
family"?

"I forgot how much
I hate my mother."

"Big, stinking drunk."

Well, nice being home.

I'm just gonna go
pack a few things.

Oh, no, no, no.
It's not that easy,
buddy boy.

We'll see you in court.

[SOBBING]

Mother.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Now! Today I declare emotional
independence from my family.

Whoo!

Oh.

Now, come on, you do it.
Your turn.

Oh, no.

Oh, come on, it's fun.

No, I don't want to.

Why not? It feels good.

No, I can't.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

So you never go back home?

Nah.

And your mom just never
talked about how it happened?

Not really hard to figure out.

She was married to a drunk.

This charming, attractive
guy comes along.
They have a fling.

And nine months later, me.

You ever meet him?

About two years ago,
I tracked him down.

He lives in St. Louis,
wife and family.

So I wrote him at work,

"Dear Mr. Ahern,
you don't know me,
I'm your daughter.

"My other dad
knew I wasn't his
so he hit me a lot."

Succinct.

So I sent off the letter
with a picture of myself.

And a few weeks later,
I get this phone call.

He's coming up to Chicago on
business, can we have dinner?
[CHUCKLES]

Stuart, I was so excited.
I'm gonna meet my father.

Well, I walk into the
restaurant and I realize,

I have no idea
what he looks like.

And this guy walks in,

about 55,

very distinguished,

and he has my eyes,

and my nose.

This is my dad.

We had a lovely dinner.

He was very nice,
very charming,

and as we were leaving,
in the parking lot,

he made a pass.

Jeez.

So I am moving past
the family stuff

and putting the focus
where it belongs, on me.

And my inability to trust men.
[CHUCKLES]

Oh.

I guess you gotta accept that
you just never had a father.

So from now on,
when you need one,

I'll be your dad. Okay?

You know, when you're
not being my mom.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm so proud of you.

I love you so much.

You're such a wonderful girl.

[BIKE BELL RINGS]

I mean, you really are doing
great considering, you know,

the abuse and your real
father hitting on you
and everything.

Oh, yeah, I'm doing
just great.

Well, you are.
You got lots and lots of
friends and a great career.

You know, I couldn't keep
a show on Public Access,

and that's supposed to be
some kind of constitutional
right or something.

That was not your fault. Well...

[DOG BARKING]

Do you ever watch the
Health Cable Network?

I try. They had this
whole eyeball operation,
I almost threw up.

Well, they also have some
pretty good New Age stuff.

Maybe you should
send them a tape.

See, the thing is I never
actually taped my show.

I was always too scared
to watch.

Oh, great, that's healthy.

You know, Marlon Brando
never watched any
of his movies.

He evidently had
the same problem.

Stuart, somebody
must have a tape.

Yeah.

Hi.

Um, Stuart Smalley, to
pick up a tape and leave.

Oh, yes, it's right here.

But, um, I'm sorry,
Ms. Weinstock said she
wanted to talk to you first.

I'm sure she's,
she's very busy.

I'm sorry. Ms. Weinstock
said that the tape
would cost...

...$400.

I'm sorry, maybe that's
what she wanted to talk
to you about.

Sorry.

ROZ: Yeah? Ms. Weinstock?

Yes, I'm sorry, I just
wanted to let you know that
Stuart Smalley is still here.

ROZ: I'm in a meeting.

I'm sorry. I was just
wondering if it'd
be all right

if I went on my lunch break.

Oh, a half an hour. Too long.

Okay, 20 minutes? Yes.

All right. I'm sorry.

Can I bring you
back something?

Oh. No, thank you.

Sorry.

I'll be back in 20 minutes.

Sorry.

Sorry.
Sorry.

The rest is self-explanatory.

The prospectus pretty
much tells it all, but I'll be
happy to answer any questions.

When exactly do the bonds
mature?

The munis mature
in 10 years,
Treasuries in 15 months.

I'm sorry.

This is inappropriate.

Can I see you for
a second, please?

Stuart, you have
to return the tape.

I know. You're right.

Ted, how fast
can you copy this?

For you? Right away.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Sorry. Sorry.

Ah!

I decided to, uh, get
something...

...to eat

Oh, I could have
gotten you something.
I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry. I...

I lied.

I didn't eat.

That's okay.

Aren't you gonna
ask me why I lied?

I mean, what I did
after I left?

I'm sorry.
Would you like me to?

Is one of your parents
an alcoholic?

I'm sorry, that's
a personal question.

That's okay.

Right after you left,

I grabbed this tape from
your desk and ran out
and had it copied.

So, I call the show
"Mike's Makeover."

And just change
my name to Mike.
Not legally of course.

You are the lowest.

Well, then,
"Seth's Makeover,"
I guess.

This tape is the property of
the Chicago Public Access
Corporation.

And copying it
without my permission
is a federal offense.

And Mea,

[MIMICS MEA]
I'm sorry...

...you're fired.

[WHIMPERS]

You are a hairless,
disgusting,

sadistic...

Vagina! [ECHOING]

Since the tape is a
recording of programs written
and performed by yourself

and since the $400 figure

so egregiously exceeds
the fair market value of
labor and materials,

there would be
absolutely no basis for
Ms. Weinstock's complaint

should she decide to file one.

Go away.

Thanks, Bob, appreciate it.

Stuart, there's
something else.

I talked to the
Health Cable Network.

They love your tape.

Yes! Oh, yes! Yes!

Yes, yes! Oh!

They want me to do five shows
a week for four weeks.

Look at this. That's outstanding.

And they're paying you.

And they're paying me.
Fred, they're paying me.

I still can't believe it.

Well, believe it.
You start taping a week
from Monday.

That soon.

Well, that, that's good.

Gives me less time to worry.

Oh, boy.

Would you enjoy this
for God's sake?

Hi.

I can't.
It's one of my problems.

When anything good
ever happens,

I'm always waiting
for the other shoe to drop.

You know that might make
a good topic for, for a show.

Stuart, I think you need
to stop worrying about
all 20 shows.

Let's just take it one
show at a time. Okay?

Okay.

[GASPS]

Stuart, look.

Mr. Smalley? Yeah.

Stan Brunner,
I'm the director.
Thanks for coming down.

Hi. Hi.

Just want to put you
in front of the camera.

Make sure everything
is set for this afternoon.

Okay. Okay. Have a seat up there.

Thank you.

[WHISPERS] Good, good.

He's a little nervous.

Well, we'll get him
in and out in a jiffy.

You have some lunch.
This afternoon will go
bang, bang, bang.

Stuart, can you turn into
the mirror, please?

Sure.

You know I like this already.
At the old place nobody cared.

If the show was a disaster,
it was a disaster.

We've got you down
for 20 shows, right?

Yes. Four weeks,
five shows a week.

Well, it's gonna be tight
because they're only giving
us four hours.

Per show? [LAUGHS] Yeah, right.

Looking good.

Excuse me.

You're not suggesting that
you're taping all 20 shows
this afternoon?

Don't worry about us.
We do this all the time.

Frankly, it's your friend
I'm a little worried about.

ALL:
God, grant me the serenity...

STUART: Everybody came down
and we brainstormed
and came up with 20 topics.

Well, 19 actually.

Number 20 is, "I don't
have to have a topic."

Carl felt my first show
should be "Today I will
own my panic,"

since it would be
very "in the now."

But I thought I had
a better idea.

Hello, I'm Stuart Smalley,
and I am so delighted
to be here.

And for my first show,
I've decided to demonstrate

just how powerful a tool
the daily affirmation can be.

You see, all my life
I've heard the same things
over and over again.

"Stuart, you're not
good enough."

"Stuart you're
not smart enough."

"Oh, and by the way,
Stuart, no one likes you."

You know who's saying all
these horrible things?

My mom, well, yeah, my dad,
well, him, too.

But mainly these words
were coming from me.

That's right,
the little Stuart that
sits inside my brain

criticizing every
little thing I do.

Well, today,
to show how the daily
affirmation works,

I've invited someone
who has even less
self-esteem than I do,

if you can believe that.

We'll call her Mea C.
to protect her anonymity.

And Mea, first of all,
I want to thank you
for doing this.

I know how much
courage it took.

Mea, can you
hear me? Yes, I'm sorry.

You look
a little nervous, Mea.

Maybe try
to relax a little.

Well, you know... Sorry.

maybe if you just
unclenched your body.

Your whole body
looks a little,
little tight.

Take, take a,
a cleansing,
big cleansing breath.

[GASPS]Good.

Good. Very,
very good.

Now, Mea,
I want you

to look
in this mirror.

[WHISPERS] All right. Don't look at me.

Only you can
help you. That's it.
Look in the mirror.

Well, see how pretty
you are?

Okay, let's...
Let's take
those glasses off.

Oh, good. Good. Okay.
Let's, let's put
the glasses back on.

You look very pretty
with the glasses.

Sorry, thank you.

Mea, have you ever
noticed that you
apologize a lot?

I'm sorry, do I?

Yes, you do.

Uh, it's...
No, that's
exactly the point.

You see, I want you
to look in that mirror,
Mea,

and I want you to
repeat after me.

"I am a worthy
human being."

[MUMBLING]
I am a worthy
human being.

Okay. I, I really
couldn't hear you.
Try it again.

Oh. Okay.

I'm a worthy human being?

Now, Mea,
it's not a question.
Try it again.

I'm...
I'm sorry, what is
the second part?

Worthy human being.
I am a worthy
human being.

Just say it.

Am I saying it to you
or to myself?

Just say it.
I am a worthy
human being.

I am a worthy
human being.

Now, louder. I am a worthy
human being.

Okay. Mean it. I am a worthy
human being.

Believe it. I hate you, Mom!

Sorry.No, that was...

That was interesting.
That was actually good.

I think we're...
I think we're
getting somewhere.

Eh, you think
your mom
might be watching?

She's dead. Oh, good.

STUART:
The rest of the shows
went great,

except for the
"I don't have to
have a topic" show

in which I just
blanked for five
straight minutes.

But the Health Cable Network
people were happy
with the 19 good shows.

And have decided
to play the first one twice.

-It was that good.
-Look at me!

Look at me! Talk to me.
I'm a human being.

I'm a human being!

Darn you, Mom. Darn you, Mom.

The response
has been tremendous.

We want to start
running the show
three times a day.

That's great, Andy.

So what kind
of bump are we
talking about?

Bump? Well, we up it to...

$100 a show
and $25 per
repeat viewing?

Oh, that's okay.
You don't have to
give me a bump.

That's 750 a week.

Not to mention specials.

[CHUCKLING]
Specials. Specials.

He'll sleep on it,
Andy. Thanks.

Give me a call.

$750...
I could, I could
get a car.

The money's
not the important thing.

What's important is that
you've found a place
that really appreciates you.

And that's all
you ever really wanted.

A little appreciation.

And I can get a car. Excuse me,
Mr. Smalley?

Yes. I'm Tina Best.
I work in Sales.

Could I get
your autograph? Oh, sure, Tina.

I just love
your show.

Oh, you do? I think it's
wonderful.

Oh, thank you
very much, Tina.

That's
so nice.

Thank you.Here you go.

[BOTH LAUGHING] I signed
an autograph.

Excuse me. Yes?

Hi. Mr. Smalley? Yes, I am.

Oh.

Oh, wait.
You forgot your, uh...

Subpoena.

STUART: So basically
the strategy is...

You get me to lie,
because if I don't

everyone goes to jail
for perjury?

That's your plan?

That's about the size of it.

VON ARKS: Stuart,
what's the big deal?

The guy had a stroke.
He's a goner.

It's your word
against a dead man's.

All you have to do
is take the stand
and say

your conversation
with Egeberg
never took place.

Look.

I work a program based on
rigorous honesty.

And most of all
that means being honest...

With yourself. Christ.

Stuart,

Egeberg's nephew
now wants 20,000
for the easement!

[SCOFFS] He can do that?

He's an asshole.

The man is
extorting your family
and all because...

Oh, I'm sorry
to put it this way,

but all because of
how badly

you mishandled your duties
as executor.

Stuart, you know
I want my share
of the inheritance

so I can move
out of Mom and Dad's.

He's really dying
to get out.

But forget about me.

Think about Jodie.

Kyle.

You see where we live.
Kyle sleeps on the couch.

I'd sleep on the couch
except for my back.

DONNIE: Stuart...

I promise you,
if we get through
this today,

I will give my share
to Jodie.

Oh...

For Kyle.

Do you swear that
the testimony you're
about to give is the truth,

the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth
so help you God?

I do. Please be seated.

Could you please
state your name
for the court?

Uh, Merl Egeberg.

And Orville Egeberg
is your uncle?

Was.

He was my uncle.

Yes, I'm very sorry.

LAWYER:
You were with him,
weren't you?

At your uncle's side
when he passed away.

Yes. Yes, I was.

And as he lay
on his death bed,

did he say
anything about

a member of the
Smalley family
approaching him

to renegotiate
the price of the easement?

Yes, he told me... Objection.

Hearsay. What law school did you
go to Mr. Von Arks?

Dying declaration...

Of course it's admissible.

You're overruled.
Sit down!

JUDGE:
Go ahead, Mr. Egeberg.

[CLEARING THROAT]
My, my uncle told me

that Stuart Smalley
came to the door

to ask to renegotiate
the price of the easement.

Thank you.
No further questions.

The defense calls
Stuart Smalley.

Stuart Smalley.

STUART: When he said
my name I honestly did not
know what I was going to do.

I knew how much
the money meant
to Jodie and...

And Donnie.
And how much Dad
was counting on me.

And they'd all made it
sound so easy.

Lying.

And I knew that
if I did lie, we'd win

because it would be
my word...

Against a dead man's.

Raise your right hand.

Do you swear
that the testimony
you're about to give

is the truth,

the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth

so help you God?

It was all my fault.

Objection! Mr. Smalley, you haven't
been questioned yet.

Everything Mr. Egeberg's
nephew said is true.

[GROANS] Oh...

Objection!

Well, it is.

Your Honor,
it's quite obvious
that this witness is insane.

He's right!
My son's a nut!

JUDGE:
Order! Order! Come here!

Judge, Stuart's
telling the truth.

[CRYING] We lied. Quiet!

DAD: Traitor!

JUDGE: Bailiff, I want order
in this courtroom.

No, it's okay. Traitor!

Order! Order!

DONNIE:
It's okay. Really.

STUART:
It was a nightmare.

The absolute low
point of my life,

which is saying
something.

Of course, we lost.

But Mr. Egeberg's
nephew respected me
for telling the truth.

So, he's charging
us only $10,000
for the easement.

But Dad was
mad anyway,

because the judge found him
and Donnie guilty of perjury

and sentenced them each
to 100 hours
of community service.

Picking up garbage
along the highway.

STUART:
And all this pain
I caused everybody else

was caused by my need
to fix everything.

And I realized that

if I'm gonna be
any good to anybody else

then I have to
work on Stuart.

Because that's
the only person
I can really fix...

Me.
Because what they say
is really true.

It is easier
to put on slippers

than to carpet
the entire world.

Well, this has been
a great show.

And you know what?
I deserve it.

Because I'm good enough,

I'm smart enough,
and doggone it,
people like me.

Well, stay tuned
for Juice Island.

Bye-bye.

MAN: And... Fade.

Terrific show, Stuart. Oh, thank you, Andy.

It's great
to have you back. [CHUCKLING]

It was...
Oh, wonderful.

Did you
really like it? It was great.

What was your
favorite part? All of it.

But I have to
go back to work.I know. Go.

Congratulations.Thank you.
You, too.

Go, go. Oh,
did you like
the slipper thing?

Go, go.

Stuart, phone. Oh, thank you.

Thanks.

Stuart Smalley.

[CRYING] Dad shot Donnie!
Dad shot Donnie.

Jodie?

Where did Dad
shoot Donnie?

In the side,
in the side.

I mean, where,
in the house?

In the side!
In the side!

How? With his deer rifle.

Was there an argument?
What happened?

No. Dad shot Donnie!

I mean...

Is he going to live?

I don't know,

Dad shot him!
I mean,
he shot him!

Okay, Jodie, look.
I would never
ordinarily say this,

but, um...

[CLEARING THROAT]
Is there any way you can
get to a pound cake?

STUART:
I couldn't get Jodie
to calm down

and this is a person
who lives for crises.

So I called the hospital
and asked for
Donnie's room

and the phone rang
and Donnie picked it up.

And he told me
what happened.

He and Dad
were up near Brainerd
deer hunting

and of course,
they were drinking.

A lot.

Well, eventually,
they ran out of beer

so Donnie went off
to buy some.

I guess he was gone
for quite a while

and Dad lost
all track of time,

he probably lost
all track of everything,
he was so drunk.

Anyway, when Donnie
finally came back
with the case of beer,

Dad heard him
stumbling around
in the woods...

Thought Donnie
was a deer and...

Shot him.

[GUN SHOT]

[THUDDING]

STUART: Hi, Mom.

Are you okay? No.

Is Dad coming out?

I don't know.
And I don't care.

Oh, hi, Dad.

Um, is...

Is Donnie okay?

[SIGHS]

I'll get the car.

Okay. See you for dinner.
I'm sure Mom is
cooking up a storm.

Now, what is that
supposed to mean?

Uh, nothing,
I just know how much
you like to cook.

Mmm-hmm. You know,
especially in a crisis.

Are you crazy?

I didn't mean it
critically, Mom.

If this is what
they teach you

in those 12-Step
or 13-Step or 14
or whatever.

It's 12.
Twelve steps.

Well, I don't know
how I'm supposed
to keep track.

This may come as
a shock to you,

but I have
not had the easiest life.

I know that you think
when I'm working
around the house

cooking and cleaning
and breaking my back...

That I do it
because it's fun.

Well, it is not fun!

It is not fun
for one single minute!

STUART: Well, at least Mom
was beginning to get
in touch with her feelings.

Hi, Donnie.

Hey, bro.

Uh, I brought some...
magazines.

Well, you, you look good.

No, really, it's hard
to believe
you were shot.

Well, I'm okay.

Yeah?

Did you see Dad
in the hall?

Yeah.

Well, Dad's got
a real problem.

Ya think?

He just tried to sneak me
a half pint of Jack Daniels

and when I said no...

He went nuts.

You know I,
I think that this accident
was supposed to happen.

I needed something
to scare the shit
out of me.

I'm not drinking anymore.

Yeah, no drinking
and no drugs.

Ow...

[GROANS]

Okay?

I'm sorry
I've been such
a lousy brother.

The worst. [CHUCKLES]

Over the years
I've always picked
on you...

Which is a pretty
easy thing to do,
you're such a dork.

Thank you.

But I think a lot of it
was because
I was jealous.

Of me?

You were always trying
to do something
with your life.

And I thought
I was tough, man.

You're the tough one.

[GROANS] We got to do
something about Dad.

You want me
to shoot him?

Because it
worked for you.

I don't know,

but we got to
do something.

COUNSELOR: Mrs. Smalley,
your children plan to go
ahead with this intervention

whether or not
you choose to participate.

It would really help, Mom.

It could
make all the difference.

What happens afterwards?

I've called a friend
at Hazleton,
it's a rehab.

They've got a bed
waiting for him.

Well, I...

I'm not so convinced
he's an alcoholic.

Mom...

Mrs. Smalley, does
your husband ever
drink in the morning?

This is one
of those tests.

Yes, he drinks
in the morning.

Does he ever
drink alone?

Yes.

COUNSELOR : Has he ever... Shot a family member
while drinking?

Yes.

[SIGHS]

If I do this

and it doesn't work,

he's gonna make
my life hell.

How's your life now?

[SOBBING]

This could work.

Is there anyone else?
Any friends of his

who might be willing
to participate?

Uh,

Dad doesn't have
any friends who
would do this.

The truth is, uh,
I'm his best friend.

COUNSELOR: Donnie, if he
refuses to stop drinking,

what are you
willing to do?

Are you willing
to tell your father

that you will completely
cut off your relationship
with him?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll tell him.

Don't if you don't mean it.
I don't want any of you

to threaten anything
you're not willing to
follow through with.

I'll say it, I'll mean it.

Me, too.

Oh, God.

Okay.

Mrs. Smalley?

You want this to work?

I just... I just can't.

What can you tell him?

[SNIFFLING] Well...

I'll tell him I'll spend
less time taking care of him

and more time
pursuing my own interests.

[LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLING]
Oh, I don't know.
Sorry, sorry.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

Pursuing my own interests.

That ought to clinch it. [BOTH CHUCKLING]

You know,
it hurts when I laugh.

STUART:
The intervention is tomorrow.

Each of us is supposed
to tell Dad how his
drinking has affected us.

And how it
made us feel.

But looking through
the old photos
I started thinking,

things weren't so bad.
They did the best
they could.

But then I found
some pictures

I thought Mom
had thrown out.

They were pictures
of us in Hollywood.

It was our big trip
to Los Angeles.

Disneyland, the whole bit.

Well, Dad got loaded
the last night.

And by the time
we got him up

we had about an hour
to see Hollywood.

Go, go, go!

Dad, Dad, Bob Hope!

Natalie Wood!

Mom, Doris Day!

Mom, Marilyn Monroe!

Dad, Sophia Loren!
Hubba-hubba!

Come on! Let's go!

STUART:
Now before the trip,

Dad had promised Jodie
he'd take a picture of her

standing in front
of the Hollywood sign.

Oh, God!

Ahhh!

Our flight's in
35 minutes.

It's okay, Dad.
I don't need
the picture.

[CHUCKLING]
Oh, oh, no.

I'm not having
Mom saying,

"Jodie didn't
get her picture because
we couldn't get you up."

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Ah, perfect.
All right.

Let's go. Outta the car.
Come on. Camera!

Hurry up. Hurry up.
Come on! All right.

Now, that's good.

Now where's the sign?
Ah.

Where's the goddamn sign?

Get, look...

Get out there.

But there are cars!

Move out in
the center of the road,
God damn it!

Okay.

Oh, my God!
There's a car! Hold it.

[HONKING][SCREAMING]

Asshole!

This is insane!

What the hell are you
doing over there?
Come back.

-No. No.
Go back, go back.
-Right there.

Jodie...

A little closer to Stuart,
sweetheart.

That's right.
Yes. Uh-huh. Good.

Uh-huh, that's good.

Look happy!
All right.

[ALL SCREAMING]

Ah, God damn it!
Find another road!

Stop it, you maniac! Jerk.

Come back!

[MOM WHIMPERING] No!
Oh, my God.

DAD: Everybody smile.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[SCREAMS] [HONKING]

[GASPING] [BRAKES SCREECHING]

Cheese! [CAMERA CLICKING]

STUART: The doctors in
the emergency room said

if I wasn't so fat
I would have
really gotten hurt.

The weird thing is
we've never talked
about it since.

In fact, I think that's
when the no-talk rule
began in our house.

But at 10:00 a.m. tomorrow,

all that will change.

This guy's
a good lawyer?

Yeah.

Says he can
keep me outta jail, huh?

Yeah. If you do
what he says, yeah.

Mr. Smalley...

Your family
has asked me
to help them

because of
some concerns they
have about you.

They have, uh,
some things that they'd
like to say to you.

And I'm going to
ask you just to
sit and listen.

Hear them out
and then, uh,

then we'll give you
a chance to talk.

Can you
agree to that? Who the hell are you?

Mr. Smalley
I can understand this
is real uncomfortable...

Who did this?

Oh-ho, you, huh?

Mr. Smalley,
your whole family
is concerned.

You know about this guy?

I mean, I hope
somebody has told
you the whole story.

Why don't you
just sit down
right here? Hmm?

That's right.

Jodie? You have something
to say to your father?

You were drunk
in all my weddings.

[JODIE SOBBING]

Did you get to meet
her ex-husbands?

Dopey, Drunky and Shithead.

COUNSELOR:
You agreed to listen. I didn't agree
to anything.

At least I stayed
with my ungrateful family

and provided for ya.

None of you
went hungry.

That's painfully obvious.

COUNSELOR: Mr. Smalley... Well maybe a man
would stay with ya

if you weren't
so damn fat. Jesus!

What?
I'm under attack here.

It wasn't my fault.

You're an asshole!

Well, you want
a piece of me?Yeah. Come on.

All right.
Mr. Smalley, please.

[CHUCKLES]

Unbelievable. COUNSELOR: Sit down.

Please. DONNIE:
Just unbelievable.

Stuart, do you
have something to say?

Dad,

there were
a lot of instances
in my childhood

when your drinking
made me feel bad.

But this is now
and I want
to talk about now.

I have changed a lot
in the last three years.

I mean, I lost

127 pounds

and... [SCOFFS]

I don't think
you even noticed.

But more than that,
I've made a lot of progress
as a person.

And it hurts me.

[SIGHING] That...

You refuse to,
to even see that.

Aw, it's okay,
Stuart.

I'm here for ya.
Come on.

Why don't you give
your alcoholic dad
a big hug?

COUNSELOR: Mr. Smalley...

Well, isn't that
what you do in your
12-step programs?

You know, I think
I should organize
one of these for you!

Because you're addicted.

You're addicted
to 12-step programs.

[LAUGHS]

Come, you'd drink too
if you had

Liberace for a son.

Dad, we're both drunks!

And you know what?
You're dangerous.

The alcohol has
made you dangerous.

To yourself
and to all of us.

You've scarred all of us.
I mean, look at me.

I haven't done shit
with my life.

And that's all my fault? No. It's not
all your fault.

But stuff happened.

That made it hard.

You remember
my first year at Kennedy?

New school. New kids.

You know,
I actually got up the
courage to have a party.

Remember?

Down in the basement
we were playing records
and stuff?

And you got so drunk

you fell down the stairs
in front of everybody.

That just...
That just never happened.

[SCOFFING] Oh...

Mrs. Smalley?

Maybe if you
just cut down a little.

After the holidays.

Jesus.

Why did we do this?

There is one more
piece of information,
Mr. Smalley.

This is the letter from
the District Attorney
of Hennepin County

regarding
your hunting accident.

It says,
if you don't get help,

you go to jail.

Hmm...

If this is
what it's like in rehab.

Send me to jail.

I'll talk to you at home.

Well, that was fun.

[SIGHS]

STUART: That night
I had this dream.

It's a recurring dream
I've had most
of my life.

I'm holding Dad
in my arms and he
looks up at me.

His eyes just
look into mine
and seem to say...

"I'm sorry I'm so helpless.

"Thank you for saving me."

[MOUTHING]
I love you. STUART: "I love you."

And that's the end.

I can't take this.

You see, the thing is,
I have nothing
to spend it on.

You could spend it
on yourself.

No, I can't.
Actually, that's one
of my problems.

I'm an anorexic spender.

I'll pay you back.

Whenever.

They called your bus.

Um,

I don't think
I'm coming back
for Christmas.

I have to get on
with my life.

Yeah.

It's going to be weird
not being home.

I'll miss the, uh,
fighting mainly.

[CHUCKLING] Yeah.

You guys gonna be okay?

MAN: [OVER SPEAKER]
Final call...

Ah, take care of Kyle.
And yourself.

You, too.

Go to meetings.

You know where I am.

And get a sponsor.

And the whole thing
was just a humongous
disaster and...

Mom and Dad
won't talk to me.

And I told Jodie and Donnie
that I just, I won't
be coming back.

Which means
I'll be having Christmas

without my family
for the first time ever.

And that's okay.

Because I have
lots of friends,
and believe me,

we're going to celebrate.

Because when it comes
to partying,

no one gets down
like people in recovery.

It's true!

But still I know it's going
to be a bumpy time
for me emotionally.

And that's okay.
I have to accept that.

Because as we say in program,

"Alcoholism
is a threefold disease.

"Thanksgiving, Christmas
and New Year's."
Isn't that clever?

Anyway,
I guess I've finally given up
the fantasy of the Smalleys

ever having a
Norman Rockwell Christmas.

Or a Norman Rockwell
anything for that matter.

And that's progress,
I guess.

And as we say,

"Progress, not perfection."

So, Merry Christmas!

And always remember,

you're good enough,
you're smart enough

and doggone it,
people like you.

MAN: Clear.

Okay. Let's party!

[PEOPLE APPLAUDING]

Merry Christmas, Stuart.

Jerry...
Thank you for coming. Oh, so moving.

Merry Christmas.

Mea...
Merry Christmas.

I think you're great. Oh, I love you, too.

I think
you're just great.

I know. Okay.

That's, that's good.
Okay.

Merry, merry Christmas.

I'm sorry. That's...
that's okay.

You two. Hi...

You didn't put that
on plastic did you?

Oh, no, cash only.

Sorry to take your inventory.

[CHUCKLING]
Congratulations. Thank you.

Ah, can you
excuse me?

Sure.

That was a great show.
I'm so proud of you.

Thank you.

Um, about Christmas dinner,

I'm going to have to
give you a rain check.

Because I'm
going to Ohio.

I called my family
and I've reconciled with...

Well, pretty much
all of them.

That's amazing.
It's, it's a miracle.

No, it's a joke.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

We're going
to have a great Christmas.

The best ever.

Come on,
I want you to meet
some of my friends.

Okay.

This is Julia,
she's my best friend.
This is my big brother.

Hi, Julie.
Don. [CHUCKLES]

Come on.
Let's meet everybody.

♪ Grab your coat
and get your hat

♪ Leave your worries
on the doorstep

♪ Just direct your feet

♪ To the sunny side
of the street

♪ Can't you hear
that pitter-pat

♪ And that happy tune
is your step

♪ Life can be so sweet

♪ On the sunny
side of the street

♪ I used to walk
in the shade

♪ With all my blues
on parade

♪ But I'm not afraid

♪ This rover, crossed over

♪ If I never have a cent

♪ I'll be rich as Rockefeller

♪ Gold dust at my feet

♪ On the sunny side
of the street

♪ I used to walk in the shade

♪ With all my blues
on parade

♪ I was ugly and lonesome

♪ But I'm not afraid

♪ 'Cause this rover
He got crossed over

♪ If I never
have a cent

♪ I'll be rich,
as rich Rockefeller

♪ Gold dust at my feet

♪ On the sunny side
of the street

♪ Oh, yeah, on the sunny CHORUS: ♪ Sunny

♪ The sunny, sunny side
of the street

♪ Ha ha ha