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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:06,881 [audience laughs] 3 00:00:06,965 --> 00:00:09,592 This is getting off the rails here. What's that now? 4 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 5 00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:11,720 -[man] Italian. -[Mark] Italians? 6 00:00:11,803 --> 00:00:14,514 What are you doing here? You should be hitting your wife. 7 00:00:14,597 --> 00:00:16,808 All right. What's that over there? 8 00:00:16,891 --> 00:00:19,936 -[man shouts] Epstein! -Epstein. I've been to the island. 9 00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,479 -Um… -[laughter] 10 00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:23,648 I was 14. I got to meet Bill Gates. 11 00:00:23,732 --> 00:00:25,984 -Ah. -[laughter, applause] 12 00:00:26,067 --> 00:00:29,571 You know, Ghislaine, she got 20 years. R. Kelly got 30, you know. 13 00:00:29,654 --> 00:00:32,615 She's gotta be thinking, "Thank God I didn't pee on those kids." 14 00:00:34,534 --> 00:00:36,619 -[man] How big is your cock? -How big's my cock? 15 00:00:36,703 --> 00:00:38,121 I don't know, ask your mom. 16 00:00:38,204 --> 00:00:40,248 -But, uh… [laughs] -[cheering] 17 00:00:40,331 --> 00:00:42,333 [upbeat music playing] 18 00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:46,880 [cell phone ringing] 19 00:00:48,173 --> 00:00:50,258 -Hello? -[man] Hey, Mark, it's Seinfeld. 20 00:00:50,341 --> 00:00:52,635 I'm just kidding. Where the hell are you? You're late. 21 00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:53,887 I'm coming right now. 22 00:00:53,970 --> 00:00:55,972 [music continues] 23 00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:09,903 [crowd cheering] 24 00:01:19,245 --> 00:01:21,247 [audience cheering] 25 00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:23,333 [whistling, applause] 26 00:01:27,670 --> 00:01:30,006 [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, 27 00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:31,841 Kevin Hart! 28 00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:33,927 [cheering, applause] 29 00:01:35,011 --> 00:01:37,013 [whistling, cheering] 30 00:01:50,318 --> 00:01:52,654 [Mark] All right. Here we go. 31 00:01:52,737 --> 00:01:55,448 We got it. All right. Yeah. 32 00:01:55,532 --> 00:01:57,408 -Come on. -[whooping] 33 00:01:57,492 --> 00:02:00,120 Here we go. Comedy, huh? 34 00:02:00,203 --> 00:02:01,579 -Yeah. -[cheering] 35 00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:03,873 Hey, we're really doing it, folks. 36 00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:06,793 Good to be here. Thanks for coming out. 37 00:02:06,876 --> 00:02:09,546 You guys can put 'em back in this town, you know. 38 00:02:09,629 --> 00:02:10,588 -[whooping] -Yeah. 39 00:02:10,672 --> 00:02:12,757 I drink too much too. I gotta cut back. 40 00:02:12,841 --> 00:02:14,843 You know, they say two and a half million people die 41 00:02:14,926 --> 00:02:16,177 every year from alcohol? 42 00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:20,056 Which is sad, but think about how many people it produces. 43 00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:22,350 [laughter] 44 00:02:22,433 --> 00:02:24,310 Gotta be like three-to-one, you know? 45 00:02:25,228 --> 00:02:27,397 If my parents didn't drink, I might not be here. 46 00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:31,442 I'm definitely gonna name my kids after the substance that got them conceived. 47 00:02:31,526 --> 00:02:34,028 "This is my daughter, Tequila. This is my son, Jäger." 48 00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:35,905 "What about that kid hugging your leg?" 49 00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:37,699 "Ha! That's Molly." 50 00:02:37,782 --> 00:02:39,784 [laughter] 51 00:02:41,035 --> 00:02:43,746 Man, I was hungover last week. Couldn't get out of bed. 52 00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:45,373 You ever been so hungover, 53 00:02:45,456 --> 00:02:47,876 you see what you're gonna be like as an old person? 54 00:02:49,419 --> 00:02:52,380 When you're real hungover, you turn into a senior citizen. 55 00:02:52,463 --> 00:02:54,507 You wake up, you don't know how you got there. 56 00:02:54,591 --> 00:02:57,886 Your body hurts, you're weak, you're shaking, you're popping pills. 57 00:02:57,969 --> 00:03:01,139 Someone's like, "Where are your friends?" You're like, "I lost 'em all." 58 00:03:01,222 --> 00:03:03,099 [laughter] 59 00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:05,101 Your buddies talk about you like you're old. 60 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,770 "We took him out last night. He shit himself." 61 00:03:09,063 --> 00:03:10,940 "He made a scene, he fell." 62 00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:13,484 "He blamed everything on China." [laughs] 63 00:03:15,236 --> 00:03:18,698 When I was in college, I got a DUI. I had to volunteer at an old folks' home. 64 00:03:18,781 --> 00:03:21,659 They were 98, I was hungover. We were exactly the same. 65 00:03:22,410 --> 00:03:24,746 Both shuffling down the hallway in our pajamas. 66 00:03:24,829 --> 00:03:27,165 Some old lady's like, "When's the pain gonna end?" 67 00:03:27,248 --> 00:03:28,625 I'm like, "I know, right?" 68 00:03:29,459 --> 00:03:32,587 She's like, "They took away my license." I'm like, "Same here." 69 00:03:33,713 --> 00:03:37,634 She's like, "I got an STD in this place." I was like, "Yeah. My bad." 70 00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:39,761 [laughter] 71 00:03:39,844 --> 00:03:42,722 That's drinking for you. It's fun, but it'll get you into trouble. 72 00:03:42,805 --> 00:03:44,766 My friend got drunk one night, blacked out, 73 00:03:44,849 --> 00:03:46,768 hooked up with somebody, got herpes. 74 00:03:46,851 --> 00:03:48,645 Yeah. So he quit drinking. 75 00:03:48,728 --> 00:03:51,231 -[quietly] Kept the herpes, but… -[laughter] 76 00:03:51,773 --> 00:03:53,650 But booze was our whole relationship. 77 00:03:53,733 --> 00:03:55,818 Now every time we hang out he wants to do activities. 78 00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:57,695 Horseback riding, canoeing, cycling. 79 00:03:57,779 --> 00:03:59,614 I'm like, "Just 'cause you have herpes 80 00:03:59,697 --> 00:04:01,908 doesn't mean we have to live out the commercial." 81 00:04:01,991 --> 00:04:03,993 [laughter] 82 00:04:06,037 --> 00:04:08,122 He's like, "You don't get it. I got side effects." 83 00:04:08,206 --> 00:04:10,625 "I got suicidal thoughts, insomnia, depression." 84 00:04:10,708 --> 00:04:12,669 I was like, "Shit, maybe I have herpes." 85 00:04:12,752 --> 00:04:14,087 [chuckles] 86 00:04:15,713 --> 00:04:16,673 When I was younger, 87 00:04:16,756 --> 00:04:18,925 everybody smoked cigarettes when they drank. That's over. 88 00:04:19,008 --> 00:04:20,885 -Anybody still rippin' butts? -[whooping] 89 00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:23,888 Hey, all right, we got a couple. You guys are rare now. 90 00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:26,724 When I was a kid, everybody smoked. My mom, my grandmother. 91 00:04:26,808 --> 00:04:28,518 Now smoking's kinda shameful. 92 00:04:28,601 --> 00:04:30,895 Weed used to be a drug, used to put you in jail. 93 00:04:30,979 --> 00:04:34,274 Now weed got its medical degree and turned its life around. 94 00:04:34,357 --> 00:04:35,608 [laughter] 95 00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:37,360 Those two completely traded places. 96 00:04:37,443 --> 00:04:40,571 You wanna smoke a cigarette now, you gotta go behind a dumpster. 97 00:04:40,655 --> 00:04:43,825 People are like, "What are you doing?" You're like, "Uh, paying a hooker." 98 00:04:43,908 --> 00:04:45,660 [laughs nervously] 99 00:04:45,743 --> 00:04:48,162 "I'm not smoking, I'll tell you that right now." 100 00:04:49,247 --> 00:04:51,582 On the flip side, you can pop an edible at noon. 101 00:04:51,666 --> 00:04:55,169 [spaced] "Hey, I have anxiety. Whoa." 102 00:04:56,462 --> 00:04:57,505 Those two flipped. 103 00:04:57,588 --> 00:05:01,092 If my mom had caught me smoking weed, she'd have sent me to boarding school. 104 00:05:01,175 --> 00:05:04,387 Now your mom finds your weed, she's like, "Sativa? What a pussy." 105 00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:06,472 [laughter] 106 00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:10,435 Weed's everywhere now. It's borderline healthy. 107 00:05:10,518 --> 00:05:12,645 How do you punish a kid for smoking weed these days? 108 00:05:12,729 --> 00:05:15,356 I got caught smoking cigarettes. My dad made me smoke the whole pack. 109 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,650 It was hell. What do you do with a kid with weed now? 110 00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:20,486 "We found a roach in your room. You gotta smoke this whole eighth." 111 00:05:20,570 --> 00:05:22,822 He'd be like, "Well, put on The Office, 'cause…" 112 00:05:22,905 --> 00:05:25,158 -[laughter] -"…we're going in." 113 00:05:28,911 --> 00:05:31,289 I was high the other day, walking round New York. 114 00:05:31,372 --> 00:05:32,457 I saw a blind guy 115 00:05:32,957 --> 00:05:36,044 being walked into traffic by his seeing-eye dog. 116 00:05:36,127 --> 00:05:38,588 I stepped in. "Whoa, buddy, can I give you a hand?" 117 00:05:38,671 --> 00:05:41,090 He goes, "I don't need your charity, you piece of shit." 118 00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:44,135 I was like, "Hey, blind guy." 119 00:05:44,218 --> 00:05:45,428 "I'm over here." 120 00:05:45,511 --> 00:05:47,430 [laughter] 121 00:05:48,139 --> 00:05:50,767 Also, can you afford to be a prick? You're pretty vulnerable. 122 00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:53,603 I could just nut-check you. You'd never see it coming. 123 00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:58,232 I was fascinated with this mean blind guy. I'm watching him with his seeing-eye dog. 124 00:05:58,316 --> 00:06:00,943 I thought, you know what? Who picks up his shit? 125 00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:02,862 [laughter] 126 00:06:02,945 --> 00:06:04,530 The blind guy's not doing it. 127 00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:07,658 This might be the best life hack of all time. I'm gonna steal that. 128 00:06:08,242 --> 00:06:11,120 Next time I walk my dog, I'm not bringing plastic bags. 129 00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:13,956 I'm bringing some sunglasses and a wiggly stick, right? 130 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:17,960 My dog takes a crap, some guy's like, "'Scuse me, sir." 131 00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:20,546 I'm like, "I've never seen a sunset." 132 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:22,507 [laughter] 133 00:06:22,590 --> 00:06:24,050 "Must be nice." 134 00:06:26,177 --> 00:06:29,222 It's too expensive where I live. Everybody's got nine roommates. 135 00:06:29,305 --> 00:06:31,516 I used to live with a gay guy. Any gay guys here? 136 00:06:32,016 --> 00:06:33,601 -[quiet whoop] -Hey, all right. 137 00:06:34,268 --> 00:06:35,603 Good to have you. 138 00:06:35,686 --> 00:06:36,979 Thanks for coming out. 139 00:06:37,063 --> 00:06:39,107 -[laughter] -Um, yeah. 140 00:06:39,190 --> 00:06:40,691 [applause] 141 00:06:40,775 --> 00:06:43,027 -Uh-huh. -[cheering] 142 00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:45,238 -Yeah. -[applause, cheering] 143 00:06:45,321 --> 00:06:48,616 Yeah. My gay roommate was great. He was always on the prowl. 144 00:06:48,699 --> 00:06:50,576 That's what's gotta be nice about being gay. 145 00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:53,538 You like dick, and you have one. Hmm. 146 00:06:54,205 --> 00:06:55,206 That's pretty good. 147 00:06:55,289 --> 00:06:58,000 I like vagina. You know how much work it was to get vagina? 148 00:06:58,084 --> 00:07:00,336 You gotta go out and tell a story and lie. 149 00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:02,213 [laughter] 150 00:07:02,296 --> 00:07:04,799 But a gay guy's like, "Man, I want some dick tonight." 151 00:07:04,882 --> 00:07:06,342 "Ah, I struck out." 152 00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:07,760 "What do we have here?" 153 00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:09,345 [laughter] 154 00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:11,597 "Hey, things are looking up!" 155 00:07:13,474 --> 00:07:15,476 That's why I never understood homophobic guys. 156 00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:17,979 You know, "How could a man ever suck a dick?" 157 00:07:18,062 --> 00:07:20,481 I'm like, "I've tried, it's just not long enough." 158 00:07:20,565 --> 00:07:22,358 [laughter] 159 00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:25,528 I've done a ton of gay shit to me, right? 160 00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:30,575 Every guy in here is super gay for their dick, right? 161 00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:34,579 Sir, you've given a million hand jobs to one dick, you know? 162 00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:37,206 'Cause dicks are like kids. 163 00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:39,542 You like your own, but the other ones are weird. 164 00:07:39,625 --> 00:07:41,502 [laughter] 165 00:07:42,003 --> 00:07:43,713 Men even treat their dicks like kids. 166 00:07:43,796 --> 00:07:45,882 We wash it, we take care of it, we name it. 167 00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:48,885 We go, "You wanna see a photo?" People go, "No, thank you." 168 00:07:52,054 --> 00:07:54,265 The only difference is, you beat your kid at the mall, 169 00:07:54,348 --> 00:07:56,100 nobody stops you. [chuckles] 170 00:07:57,602 --> 00:08:00,188 [applause, whooping] 171 00:08:00,271 --> 00:08:02,815 I grew up in Louisiana. A lot of homophobia. 172 00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:04,609 I grew up with a guy who hated gay people. 173 00:08:04,692 --> 00:08:06,819 He was obsessed with gay guys taking the rainbow. 174 00:08:06,903 --> 00:08:08,154 That was his big beef. 175 00:08:08,237 --> 00:08:10,072 "Gay guys took the rainbow." 176 00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:13,910 That might be the gayest complaint I've ever heard in my entire life. 177 00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:17,955 Took the rainbow? They just made it their flag. 178 00:08:18,039 --> 00:08:20,208 And we all know, God hates flags. 179 00:08:20,291 --> 00:08:22,293 -But… -[laughter] 180 00:08:24,670 --> 00:08:27,048 A better argument would be mentally challenged people 181 00:08:27,131 --> 00:08:28,299 taking the word "special." 182 00:08:28,382 --> 00:08:30,927 That's a better argument. That word's changed a lot over the years. 183 00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:34,555 Special ed, special needs, Special Olympics. It's confusing now. 184 00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:36,557 I go to a restaurant, "Wanna hear the specials?" 185 00:08:36,641 --> 00:08:38,559 I'm like, "What the fuck you guys cooking?" 186 00:08:39,852 --> 00:08:42,522 "What the hell's going on in that kitchen, huh?" 187 00:08:44,607 --> 00:08:47,068 Whatever it is, I'm sure it's slow-cooked. 188 00:08:47,151 --> 00:08:49,612 -But either way, I don't know. -[cheering] 189 00:08:50,279 --> 00:08:52,198 -[applause] -Mm, mm, mm. 190 00:08:52,281 --> 00:08:54,283 [whooping] 191 00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:55,493 But, you know… 192 00:08:57,703 --> 00:08:59,956 These are weird times we're living in. 193 00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:02,792 We're hung up on sexual orientation these days. 194 00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:04,460 Like transgender, what do you think? 195 00:09:05,586 --> 00:09:07,213 It's a tough one. Yeah. 196 00:09:08,130 --> 00:09:10,216 It's a hot button issue. People get worked up. 197 00:09:10,299 --> 00:09:13,261 On the news, "Gender neutral bathrooms. Should be a man and a woman." 198 00:09:13,344 --> 00:09:15,221 "I don't wanna shit next to trans person." 199 00:09:15,304 --> 00:09:18,224 Whoa, dude. I don't wanna shit next to anybody, okay? 200 00:09:18,933 --> 00:09:21,852 I've never thought about the type of person I'm shitting next to. 201 00:09:21,936 --> 00:09:23,729 Who's got time to decipher someone's background 202 00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:25,147 when you gotta take a dump? 203 00:09:25,898 --> 00:09:28,401 If I get diarrhea at a restaurant, I run to the bathroom. 204 00:09:28,484 --> 00:09:30,778 I'm not like, "Oh no, a Puerto Rican." 205 00:09:30,861 --> 00:09:32,488 "Agh!" 206 00:09:33,197 --> 00:09:36,701 "I can't take a BM next to a PR. What the hell?" 207 00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:41,747 I agree there should be two bathrooms, not divided by gender. 208 00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:44,750 I think you should divide it by pissing and shitting. Hmm. 209 00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:49,088 I don't care who I'm shitting next to as long as they're also shitting, right? 210 00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:53,134 But if I walk into the shit room and see a trans person piss, 211 00:09:53,217 --> 00:09:56,220 I'm gonna go, "Hey, you'd better transition to a shit right now." 212 00:09:56,304 --> 00:09:57,930 [laughter] 213 00:09:58,014 --> 00:09:59,849 "You're in the wrong room, sister." 214 00:10:00,516 --> 00:10:02,518 "Brother. Whatever." 215 00:10:04,228 --> 00:10:05,938 But there's a big debate these days. 216 00:10:06,022 --> 00:10:08,107 "Are biological women the same as trans women?" 217 00:10:08,190 --> 00:10:10,192 "Are the different? The same? Boopity boop." 218 00:10:10,276 --> 00:10:12,153 I think it's like Coke and Pepsi. 219 00:10:12,236 --> 00:10:14,614 Always that one guy, "I love Coke, but I hate Pepsi." 220 00:10:14,697 --> 00:10:16,449 "All I got's Pepsi." "I hate that shit." 221 00:10:16,532 --> 00:10:19,076 Hand him a Pepsi, "Here's a Coke." He goes, "This is pretty good." 222 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,203 I'm like, "Well, you just fucked a trans person." 223 00:10:21,704 --> 00:10:23,539 [laughter] 224 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,833 [whooping, applause] 225 00:10:25,916 --> 00:10:28,586 Yeah, it's all fluid, right? 226 00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:33,382 There'll always be that guy who goes, "Some people have no gender." 227 00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:35,760 Yeah, that's Coke Zero. [chuckles] 228 00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:39,013 But what the hell do I know? 229 00:10:39,096 --> 00:10:41,974 I grew up in the '90s. It was like, "I don't see color." 230 00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:44,185 "We're all the same. Treat everybody equally." 231 00:10:44,268 --> 00:10:46,687 Now, we're obsessed with everyone's differences. 232 00:10:46,771 --> 00:10:48,939 You flip through HBO Max, it's all these categories. 233 00:10:49,023 --> 00:10:50,608 "Trans Stories." 234 00:10:50,691 --> 00:10:52,360 "Strong Black Women." 235 00:10:52,443 --> 00:10:53,861 "Asian Culture." 236 00:10:53,944 --> 00:10:55,905 I know you're trying to be progressive, 237 00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:58,366 but porn's been doing this shit for 30 years. 238 00:10:58,449 --> 00:10:59,867 [laughter] 239 00:10:59,950 --> 00:11:02,828 You're never gonna out-inclusive porn. 240 00:11:03,788 --> 00:11:06,040 All these networks patting themselves on the back. 241 00:11:06,123 --> 00:11:07,625 "We have a gay section." 242 00:11:07,708 --> 00:11:09,669 Porn's like, "We have a gay, senior citizen, 243 00:11:09,752 --> 00:11:11,587 dwarf in a wheelchair section." 244 00:11:13,255 --> 00:11:15,716 "You're not more open-minded than us, right?" 245 00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:17,718 Talk about representation. 246 00:11:17,802 --> 00:11:20,388 I've been watching Asian culture since high school. 247 00:11:22,056 --> 00:11:23,891 HBO's like, "We have a family section." 248 00:11:23,974 --> 00:11:27,228 Porn's like, "We got that and stepfamily. Come on." 249 00:11:28,771 --> 00:11:32,108 But Chicago, gotta be said, beautiful women in this town. 250 00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:33,609 -I mean-- -[whooping] 251 00:11:34,402 --> 00:11:36,779 -None here. But, uh… -[laughter] 252 00:11:37,446 --> 00:11:39,448 I'm joking. I'll go down on you. 253 00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:41,325 -But, you know… -[laughter] 254 00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:43,035 Ladies, you look great. Beautiful. 255 00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:45,621 Definitely the better-looking gender, I think we all agree. 256 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:48,582 Like, ladies, you guys are even sexy on accident. 257 00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:51,168 You see a woman bend over or see down her shirt for a second. 258 00:11:51,252 --> 00:11:53,963 You're like, "Whoa!" That's a great moment. 259 00:11:54,046 --> 00:11:56,298 You see a guy in short shorts, something pops out. 260 00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:58,050 You're like, "Oh, call the police." 261 00:11:58,134 --> 00:11:59,927 [laughter] 262 00:12:00,010 --> 00:12:02,346 Yeah, the female form, it's a work of art. 263 00:12:02,430 --> 00:12:04,890 Ladies, you look better the more skin you're showing. 264 00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:06,934 Bikini, lingerie, mini skirt. 265 00:12:07,017 --> 00:12:09,228 Men look better the more covered up we are. 266 00:12:09,311 --> 00:12:11,897 Business suit, tuxedo, man in uniform. 267 00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:14,900 I think a female strip club should be a guy coming out naked 268 00:12:14,984 --> 00:12:17,194 and slowly putting clothing on, you know? 269 00:12:17,695 --> 00:12:21,323 Some lady's like, "Whoo! Put on that blazer! Yeah!" 270 00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:24,660 By the end, she's like, "Oh damn, he's an astronaut." [sighs] 271 00:12:26,328 --> 00:12:28,914 Ladies, you're so hot, you touch your own body in bed. 272 00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:30,875 You're on top like, "Oh yeah." 273 00:12:30,958 --> 00:12:34,712 No guy wants to touch himself. No guy's like, "All right, look at that." 274 00:12:35,379 --> 00:12:36,756 No. 275 00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:41,510 'Cause I think you're more turned on by men's skills than our actual looks. 276 00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:42,887 Men, we're all visual. 277 00:12:42,970 --> 00:12:45,723 We go to a strip club, "Yeah, dance on that pole." 278 00:12:45,806 --> 00:12:49,769 At a female strip club, it's more like, "Yeah, install that pole." Hey? 279 00:12:49,852 --> 00:12:51,854 [laughter] 280 00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:55,065 And you're so mysterious. We have no idea what turns you on. 281 00:12:55,149 --> 00:12:58,152 You know everything that turns us on. We don't know what you like. 282 00:12:58,235 --> 00:13:01,447 I asked my wife, "What turns you on?" She goes, "I like a man who listens." 283 00:13:01,530 --> 00:13:03,365 I don't know. I tuned out. But… 284 00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:04,742 [laughter] 285 00:13:05,326 --> 00:13:07,870 Every woman's different. I asked a friend, "What turns you on?" 286 00:13:07,953 --> 00:13:09,955 She goes, "I like a man with intelligence." 287 00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:13,542 How does that work in the bedroom? Some guy's like, "Ah, hypotenuse." 288 00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,169 [laughter] 289 00:13:18,172 --> 00:13:21,509 I'm not a big strip club guy. I'm too awkward. I'm not cool. 290 00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:23,260 Some guys are good at strip clubs. 291 00:13:23,344 --> 00:13:25,554 Getting a lap dance, they're like, "Yeah, bitch." 292 00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:27,056 Or whatever. I don't know. 293 00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:29,767 I'm too awkward. 294 00:13:29,850 --> 00:13:31,977 I was in the back room once, getting a dance. 295 00:13:32,061 --> 00:13:34,146 Lady's grinding me. She's like, "What do you do?" 296 00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:36,899 I'm like, "I'm a comedian." She goes, "Tell me a joke." 297 00:13:36,982 --> 00:13:39,401 I was like, "Look, I'm not at work. You are." 298 00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:41,278 [laughter] 299 00:13:42,488 --> 00:13:44,448 [applause, cheering] 300 00:13:44,532 --> 00:13:46,659 -She didn't like that joke. -[whooping] 301 00:13:46,742 --> 00:13:48,744 -Yeah. -[applause continues] 302 00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,790 But hey, I'm doing all right. 303 00:13:52,873 --> 00:13:56,627 I had sex with my wife today. Or, as she calls it, microdosing. 304 00:13:56,710 --> 00:13:58,671 -And, uh… -[laughter] 305 00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,423 I remember when we got engaged. 306 00:14:01,507 --> 00:14:03,843 She was like, "You gotta post about the engagement." 307 00:14:03,926 --> 00:14:07,638 I was like, "Why? This is between us. Who cares about social media?" 308 00:14:07,721 --> 00:14:09,181 She's like, "I want people to know." 309 00:14:09,265 --> 00:14:12,101 "Well, I want you to post about that threesome we had." 310 00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:16,897 She's like, "Why would I do that?" I'm like, "I want people to know." 311 00:14:18,065 --> 00:14:21,110 She's like, "Are you kidding? This is a bond between two people." 312 00:14:21,193 --> 00:14:23,404 I'm like, "This is better, it's a bond between three." 313 00:14:23,904 --> 00:14:26,740 She's like, "I've been dreaming about this since I was a kid." 314 00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:29,368 I was like, "Ah…" 315 00:14:30,494 --> 00:14:33,747 A lot of girls dream about a wedding. A lot of boys dream about a threesome. 316 00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:35,207 And the dream is very similar. 317 00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:38,502 Who we'll invite, where we'll do it, and we gotta get a photographer. 318 00:14:38,586 --> 00:14:40,170 [laughter] 319 00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:44,174 She's a great egg, but I can always find a new way to piss her off. 320 00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:46,802 Touched her stomach the other day, she flipped out. 321 00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:49,054 She's got a nice stomach, just self-conscious about it. 322 00:14:49,138 --> 00:14:52,516 People talk about private parts, like boobs are a private part. 323 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,936 I walk in a room, grab my girl's boobs, she's like, "Hey, how are ya?" 324 00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:59,648 I grab her stomach, she's like, "You wanna fucking die today?" 325 00:15:01,525 --> 00:15:03,444 That's a private part, right? 326 00:15:04,528 --> 00:15:07,197 In the bedroom, she'll cover it up so I can't see it. 327 00:15:07,281 --> 00:15:10,242 Which I get, 'cause I feel the same way about my butt hole. 328 00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:13,621 I don't want anybody seeing that thing. 329 00:15:13,704 --> 00:15:17,124 Even after wild sex, I still have to walk out of the room backwards. 330 00:15:18,459 --> 00:15:21,086 The stomach for a woman is the butt hole for a man. 331 00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:24,632 The condition of both is very dependent on diet. 332 00:15:25,382 --> 00:15:27,760 [laughter, whooping] 333 00:15:27,843 --> 00:15:30,596 She'll be like, "I can't hook up, I had a burrito." 334 00:15:30,679 --> 00:15:32,306 I'm like, "Same here." 335 00:15:34,141 --> 00:15:37,227 But, like any couple, we fight. We got into it last week. 336 00:15:37,311 --> 00:15:41,231 She's like, "I'm gonna level with you. I need more compliments." 337 00:15:41,315 --> 00:15:44,652 I was like, "Oh shit." So I took her to a construction site. Oh. 338 00:15:47,112 --> 00:15:48,364 But it gets confusing. 339 00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:51,158 We were walking around and a homeless guy catcalled her. 340 00:15:51,241 --> 00:15:52,493 "Nice ass, baby!" 341 00:15:52,576 --> 00:15:54,828 I was like, "There you go, huh?" 342 00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:57,623 She's like, "What are you gonna do about that guy?" 343 00:15:57,706 --> 00:16:00,250 "I'm gonna go over and give that guy a couple of bucks." 344 00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:03,629 She's like, "I don't want a compliment from him." 345 00:16:03,712 --> 00:16:05,339 I'm like, "A compliment's a compliment." 346 00:16:05,422 --> 00:16:08,300 She's like, "I'll take you to a gay bar, see how you like it." 347 00:16:08,384 --> 00:16:10,260 We go to a gay bar, guys are all over me. 348 00:16:10,344 --> 00:16:12,596 "What do you think about that?" I was like, 349 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:14,223 "I fucking love it." So… 350 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:17,768 So that backfired, you know? 351 00:16:19,395 --> 00:16:22,523 The new fight is, I bought a vintage car. She hates this car. 352 00:16:22,606 --> 00:16:25,067 She goes, "I think you like the car more than you like me." 353 00:16:25,150 --> 00:16:27,903 It's not that I like it more, it's just easier to understand. 354 00:16:28,946 --> 00:16:31,532 Let's be honest, ladies. You can be vague and secretive. 355 00:16:31,615 --> 00:16:32,908 Car's pretty cut and dry. 356 00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:36,787 Out of gas? Empty. Overheated? Hot. There's no game for the car. 357 00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:40,624 The engine of a car has never caught on fire and the dashboard says, 358 00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:41,834 "I'm fine." 359 00:16:41,917 --> 00:16:43,919 [laughter] 360 00:16:46,255 --> 00:16:48,173 -[applause, cheering] -Hmm. 361 00:16:48,257 --> 00:16:50,843 -[whooping] -Yeah. I don't know. 362 00:16:51,552 --> 00:16:52,845 [whistling] 363 00:16:53,762 --> 00:16:57,182 Men compare women to cars all the time. Ladies, you're the opposite of a car. 364 00:16:57,266 --> 00:17:01,228 Your car is quiet, it's running great. Girlfriend's quiet, you're in deep shit. 365 00:17:02,062 --> 00:17:03,897 Girlfriends and cars have nothing in common. 366 00:17:03,981 --> 00:17:06,608 Except for the fact that my last one was stolen by a Black guy. 367 00:17:06,692 --> 00:17:08,402 [groans] 368 00:17:09,361 --> 00:17:11,363 [laughter] 369 00:17:11,447 --> 00:17:12,990 I think men are more like cars. 370 00:17:13,073 --> 00:17:16,660 We're gassy, we're fixer-uppers. We kill people sometimes, right? 371 00:17:17,202 --> 00:17:19,830 And, ladies, if we stop working, you can just go electric. 372 00:17:19,913 --> 00:17:21,749 [imitates buzzing] 373 00:17:23,375 --> 00:17:25,836 I think men are more like cars. Ladies, you're more like horses. 374 00:17:25,919 --> 00:17:28,297 Beautiful creatures, long legs, ponytail. 375 00:17:28,380 --> 00:17:31,925 Expensive to feed, always need new shoes, we slap you on the ass, 376 00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:35,637 and once we see you take a shit, the magic's over. But-- 377 00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:37,389 [laughter] 378 00:17:38,348 --> 00:17:41,393 But we got some couples here tonight, huh? 379 00:17:41,477 --> 00:17:43,103 There you go. You guys swing? 380 00:17:43,187 --> 00:17:44,813 No. Um… 381 00:17:46,565 --> 00:17:49,568 You can tell you're close with your lady when she starts farting around you. 382 00:17:49,651 --> 00:17:51,111 I think that's the true test. 383 00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:53,280 And I get it, ladies. It's a biological function. 384 00:17:53,363 --> 00:17:55,741 But can we keep it under ten a day? What do you think? 385 00:17:56,241 --> 00:17:57,951 You don't want that to become your thing. 386 00:17:58,035 --> 00:18:01,038 You're at a party. "Who ripped one?" "Classic Claire." 387 00:18:01,121 --> 00:18:02,873 [chuckles] "Every time." 388 00:18:03,457 --> 00:18:05,000 Farting for a woman's a tough look. 389 00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:07,503 Farting for a woman is like crying for a man. 390 00:18:07,586 --> 00:18:11,006 We all pretend to be open-minded, but that shit's a bummer, you know? 391 00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:12,758 [laughter] 392 00:18:12,841 --> 00:18:17,054 The other day, I was going down on her. She farted, I started crying. 393 00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:21,308 She was like, "Aw, you need a tissue?" 394 00:18:21,391 --> 00:18:22,810 I was like, "Do you?" 395 00:18:22,893 --> 00:18:24,311 [laughter] 396 00:18:27,731 --> 00:18:30,150 What about fart's wacky cousin, queef? 397 00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:31,652 -Yes. -[cheering] 398 00:18:31,735 --> 00:18:33,779 -Love a good queef. -[whooping] 399 00:18:33,862 --> 00:18:35,989 A lot of ladies get self-conscious, embarrassed. 400 00:18:36,073 --> 00:18:39,660 I say queef it up, sister. It's nice to see that thing talking for once. 401 00:18:41,036 --> 00:18:43,580 Love a queef. Big fan of the queef. 402 00:18:44,081 --> 00:18:47,251 I went down on a girl once, she queefed, my hair went… [exhales] 403 00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:50,003 It's a hell of a time. You know what a queef's like? 404 00:18:50,087 --> 00:18:53,674 It's like when the subway goes by and you get that dirty air, you know? 405 00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:57,261 Sure, it's not the most sanitary, 406 00:18:57,344 --> 00:19:00,055 but it's hot down there, it's refreshing, goddammit! 407 00:19:01,014 --> 00:19:02,599 I'm pro-queef. 408 00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:07,271 But you gotta be empathetic to the queefs, fellas. 409 00:19:07,354 --> 00:19:09,815 Ladies, you're more empathetic, more thoughtful. 410 00:19:09,898 --> 00:19:12,067 You think about others. Men don't think about others. 411 00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:14,111 We think about ourselves, you know? 412 00:19:14,194 --> 00:19:17,489 I go to dinner with my girl, she says, "Can't eat here, the chef's homophobic." 413 00:19:17,573 --> 00:19:20,242 I'm like, "Great, we're not gay. We're good." Yeah? 414 00:19:20,325 --> 00:19:22,536 That's how I think. Men don't think about others. 415 00:19:22,619 --> 00:19:25,998 I was watching tennis with my buddy. I go, "You know this guy hit his wife?" 416 00:19:26,081 --> 00:19:28,125 My friend goes, "Yeah, he's got a great backhand." 417 00:19:28,208 --> 00:19:29,459 Jesus Christ. 418 00:19:30,878 --> 00:19:33,839 You're deeper, ladies. More emotionally intelligent. 419 00:19:33,922 --> 00:19:37,050 Ask a woman what she likes in a guy, she'll tell you what she likes 420 00:19:37,134 --> 00:19:40,512 because of how it makes her feel. "I like guys who are strong. I feel safe." 421 00:19:40,596 --> 00:19:42,514 "I like guys with money. I feel taken care of." 422 00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:44,975 Guys tell you what we like, not how we feel. 423 00:19:45,058 --> 00:19:47,060 "What do you like in a woman?" "A fat ass." 424 00:19:47,144 --> 00:19:49,688 "Hmm. How's that make you feel?" 425 00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:51,940 "Hard? I don't know." 426 00:19:53,984 --> 00:19:56,028 Gotta be tough to be a lady in a lot of ways. 427 00:19:56,111 --> 00:19:57,779 Some perks, ladies, you know. 428 00:19:57,863 --> 00:20:01,200 Like, you're allowed to announce your standards in public. 429 00:20:01,283 --> 00:20:03,619 When men announce their standards, we look shittier. 430 00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:07,206 I was hanging out with some friends. We're drinking. Talking about our type. 431 00:20:07,289 --> 00:20:09,750 My gay friend was like, "I like muscles on a man." 432 00:20:09,833 --> 00:20:11,126 All right, gay guy, muscles. 433 00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:14,213 My lady friend, "I like a tall guy." Yeah, women like tall guys. 434 00:20:14,296 --> 00:20:16,924 "What do you like, Mark?" "Skinny girls with big tits." 435 00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:19,259 They all went, "Oh, what a fucking asshole." 436 00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:23,222 "How come you're allowed to shame me for what I'm attracted to?" 437 00:20:23,305 --> 00:20:24,932 "You guys were shallow. Why can't I be?" 438 00:20:25,015 --> 00:20:29,311 "You like tall guys. I'm not a tall guy. I wasn't like, 'Classic whore.'" 439 00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:33,148 I'd rather be taller but that's my issue. 440 00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:36,026 She's like, "It's messed up you won't sleep with certain women." 441 00:20:36,109 --> 00:20:38,904 "What about the gay guy? He won't fuck any women. Yell at him." 442 00:20:38,987 --> 00:20:40,489 [laughter] 443 00:20:40,572 --> 00:20:43,075 You wanna be a good guy, it just gets confusing. 444 00:20:43,742 --> 00:20:46,745 Ladies, where are we at on objectifying women? Is that bad? 445 00:20:47,371 --> 00:20:50,290 It's tough. Some women say, "Don't ever objectify a woman." 446 00:20:50,374 --> 00:20:52,501 But ladies, you do it all day long. 447 00:20:52,584 --> 00:20:54,086 Any time a woman posts on Instagram, 448 00:20:54,169 --> 00:20:56,546 every girl's like, "Beautiful." "Stunning." "Sexy." 449 00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:58,840 Never seen a woman write, "Smart." 450 00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:00,300 [laughter] 451 00:21:00,384 --> 00:21:02,386 Huh. Interesting. 452 00:21:04,221 --> 00:21:07,140 Ladies, you don't like when men objectify women if they're hot. 453 00:21:07,224 --> 00:21:09,726 But if they're traditionally unattractive, you love it. 454 00:21:09,810 --> 00:21:12,604 Smoking hot girl walks in. "Damn, she's sexy as hell." 455 00:21:12,688 --> 00:21:13,814 "Easy, creep." 456 00:21:14,731 --> 00:21:17,109 If a lady rolls in on a scooter with an eye patch, 457 00:21:17,192 --> 00:21:19,027 "Damn, she's sexy as hell." 458 00:21:19,111 --> 00:21:20,779 "This is a great guy right here." 459 00:21:21,780 --> 00:21:24,491 Isn't he still a creep? If you're not threatened, you're on board. 460 00:21:24,574 --> 00:21:27,828 A guy puts up a poster in his cubicle, big breasted swimsuit models, 461 00:21:27,911 --> 00:21:29,913 "Jeez, you pig." "Oh no, they're trans." 462 00:21:29,997 --> 00:21:31,248 "Hey, good for you." 463 00:21:31,331 --> 00:21:33,041 [laughter] 464 00:21:33,125 --> 00:21:34,626 But isn't he still a pig? 465 00:21:34,710 --> 00:21:38,046 "Is that a Victoria's Secret poster?" "Yeah, it's the one with Down's syndrome." 466 00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:41,008 -"Oh, carry on. Carry on." -[groaning] 467 00:21:41,508 --> 00:21:43,677 Like, why does that make it okay? 468 00:21:44,219 --> 00:21:47,639 How about that, a Victoria's Secret model with Down's syndrome. That's exciting. 469 00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:50,475 Yeah, she's really pretty. I mean, I'd go downs on her. 470 00:21:50,559 --> 00:21:52,311 -You know. -[laughter] 471 00:21:52,394 --> 00:21:57,399 Good for her. I support. I'm on board. I'm a fan. 472 00:21:57,482 --> 00:21:59,651 I feel bad for the girl who didn't get the job. 473 00:21:59,735 --> 00:22:01,570 "Who got it?" "You don't wanna know." 474 00:22:01,653 --> 00:22:04,823 "Kill yourself. Get out of town. Change career. Don't tell anybody." 475 00:22:08,410 --> 00:22:10,078 But I also understand, ladies. 476 00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:13,040 You've been held down by your looks for generations. That sucks. 477 00:22:13,123 --> 00:22:16,168 My brother's got a cute little daughter. My mom got her a Barbie. 478 00:22:16,251 --> 00:22:18,754 The wife's like, "No daughter of mine is playing with Barbie." 479 00:22:18,837 --> 00:22:22,215 "Why not?" "Barbie sets unrealistic body standards for girls." 480 00:22:22,716 --> 00:22:25,552 Of course Barbie's unrealistic. That's why kids like her. 481 00:22:25,635 --> 00:22:27,179 Nobody wants a realistic toy. 482 00:22:27,262 --> 00:22:30,974 Like every man toy. Twelve-pack, huge arms, giant legs. They're toys. 483 00:22:31,058 --> 00:22:33,727 "She's gonna think she has to look like her." No, she's not. 484 00:22:33,810 --> 00:22:37,773 I've never heard of a girl with a Barbie, "Damn, guess I gotta cut off my nipples." 485 00:22:37,856 --> 00:22:39,941 [laughter] 486 00:22:40,025 --> 00:22:41,360 Girls aren't stupid. 487 00:22:41,443 --> 00:22:43,487 I get it. It's a new day. Gotta be inclusive. 488 00:22:43,570 --> 00:22:46,406 Gotta have plus-size Barbie, Chinese Barbie, blind Barbie. 489 00:22:46,490 --> 00:22:48,700 You know who's never changed? Ken. Huh. 490 00:22:48,784 --> 00:22:50,494 Ken's a good-looking guy, full head of hair. 491 00:22:50,577 --> 00:22:52,788 There's no bald Ken, drunk Ken, abusive Ken. 492 00:22:54,998 --> 00:22:56,458 Nobody wants a realistic Ken. 493 00:22:56,541 --> 00:22:58,710 He pulls up in the Dream Car, gets a DUI. 494 00:22:58,794 --> 00:23:00,212 Barbie's like, "I told you so." 495 00:23:00,295 --> 00:23:03,090 He's like, "Shut up, you fucking skank. I'll kill you" 496 00:23:04,132 --> 00:23:05,550 Nobody wants that. 497 00:23:05,634 --> 00:23:07,636 [applause, whooping] 498 00:23:08,678 --> 00:23:09,763 Yeah. 499 00:23:09,846 --> 00:23:11,848 [cheering, whistling] 500 00:23:12,933 --> 00:23:15,477 If you ask me, Ken is quietly the most inclusive, 501 00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:18,188 'cause he'll fuck any Barbie. He doesn't give a shit. 502 00:23:18,271 --> 00:23:21,775 "What is that? Wheelchair Barbie? Yeah, roll her over here, I don't care." 503 00:23:22,317 --> 00:23:23,610 Now, that's inclusive. 504 00:23:24,861 --> 00:23:26,780 I would've killed for a Barbie growing up. 505 00:23:26,863 --> 00:23:30,617 My parents wouldn't buy us any cool toys. They bought us board games. [groans] 506 00:23:30,700 --> 00:23:33,412 Even the names of board games are a bummer. 507 00:23:33,495 --> 00:23:35,288 Sorry. Right? 508 00:23:35,372 --> 00:23:37,833 Trouble. Operation. 509 00:23:37,916 --> 00:23:40,335 And the saddest of all, Life. 510 00:23:40,419 --> 00:23:41,837 [groans] 511 00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:46,550 What kind of twisted, messed up game for a kid is Life? 512 00:23:46,633 --> 00:23:48,301 Life's hard, life sucks. 513 00:23:48,385 --> 00:23:51,096 You play games to escape life, not dive right in. 514 00:23:51,179 --> 00:23:53,473 You got a kid outdoors, playing with his friends. 515 00:23:53,557 --> 00:23:56,351 You drag him inside to play a game about mortgage and divorce? 516 00:23:56,435 --> 00:23:58,728 [groans] That's too real. 517 00:23:58,812 --> 00:24:01,731 "Pick a card, Timmy. What'd you get?" "I got herpes." 518 00:24:03,358 --> 00:24:07,028 "It says you sent a tweet ten years ago that came back to haunt you." 519 00:24:07,112 --> 00:24:08,155 "You're fired." 520 00:24:09,614 --> 00:24:11,700 "Man, life sucks." 521 00:24:11,783 --> 00:24:13,827 [laughter] 522 00:24:13,910 --> 00:24:16,455 Hate a board game. Remember Clue? I hated Clue. 523 00:24:16,538 --> 00:24:19,624 Professor Plum in the study with the candlestick. 524 00:24:19,708 --> 00:24:22,002 That's not relatable. Who's dying from a candlestick? 525 00:24:22,085 --> 00:24:25,422 You gotta update that stuff. Make it stuff that kills people now. 526 00:24:25,505 --> 00:24:26,715 Peanuts. 527 00:24:26,798 --> 00:24:28,508 [laughter] 528 00:24:28,592 --> 00:24:30,135 Gender reveal party. 529 00:24:31,553 --> 00:24:33,722 Fentanyl. Cops. 530 00:24:33,805 --> 00:24:38,101 Update it. Mark Normand in the hotel room under the BBW. 531 00:24:38,185 --> 00:24:39,478 [laughter] 532 00:24:40,437 --> 00:24:41,730 That's how I wanna go. 533 00:24:41,813 --> 00:24:43,815 -[cheering, applause] -Yeah. 534 00:24:48,737 --> 00:24:51,198 I did mention Fentanyl. We have an opioid crisis. 535 00:24:51,281 --> 00:24:52,949 -[man whoops] -Nobody seems to give a shit. 536 00:24:53,033 --> 00:24:55,118 -That guy's hopped up. Yeah. -[laughter] 537 00:24:55,202 --> 00:24:56,119 Yeah. 538 00:24:56,786 --> 00:25:00,123 Yeah. When I was a kid, all I heard was weed was the gateway drug. 539 00:25:00,207 --> 00:25:02,125 Remember? "Weed is the gateway drug." 540 00:25:02,209 --> 00:25:04,127 I disagree. I think it's cereal. 541 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:07,672 All that sugar? Cereal's getting kids high way younger than weed. 542 00:25:07,756 --> 00:25:09,674 Kids look like addicts when they wake up. 543 00:25:09,758 --> 00:25:11,384 "Damn, I need a bowl." 544 00:25:13,803 --> 00:25:17,265 I mean, diabetes, obesity. We pump that shit into kids early. 545 00:25:17,349 --> 00:25:20,185 That's why half the cereals are named after drugs. 546 00:25:20,268 --> 00:25:21,728 Smacks. Right? 547 00:25:22,812 --> 00:25:24,689 Special K. You know? 548 00:25:25,649 --> 00:25:28,818 Golden Grahams. Already dealing in grams. I don't know. 549 00:25:29,402 --> 00:25:32,280 If you go down the cereal aisle in Australia or Europe, 550 00:25:32,364 --> 00:25:35,742 it's all health food. Heart healthy. Wholegrain. Fiber. 551 00:25:35,825 --> 00:25:39,287 The cereal aisle in America is like a fucking acid trip, right? 552 00:25:39,371 --> 00:25:42,541 It's just bright colors and wacky cartoon characters. 553 00:25:42,624 --> 00:25:46,169 Every cereal mascot looks like a cracked-out addict, you know? 554 00:25:46,670 --> 00:25:48,171 You got a paranoid leprechaun 555 00:25:48,255 --> 00:25:51,550 and a jacked-up rabbit stealing shit from kids. 556 00:25:53,176 --> 00:25:55,011 Tony the Tiger's clearly coked-up. 557 00:25:55,095 --> 00:25:57,097 [strained] "They're great, yeah!" 558 00:25:58,473 --> 00:26:01,685 How about that wide-eyed toucan? "Hey, kids. Follow your nose." 559 00:26:01,768 --> 00:26:03,103 [chuckles] 560 00:26:04,145 --> 00:26:05,063 Yeah. 561 00:26:06,481 --> 00:26:09,609 I know fentanyl and opioid and all that stuff's dark. 562 00:26:09,693 --> 00:26:13,154 I like dark humor. Some people get upset. Everybody's entitled to their opinion. 563 00:26:13,238 --> 00:26:14,155 To each his anal. 564 00:26:14,239 --> 00:26:17,534 But, you know. You've gotta admit, though, 565 00:26:17,617 --> 00:26:19,911 if we're a society that gets upset about jokes, 566 00:26:19,995 --> 00:26:23,123 that's a sign we got it pretty goddamn good, you know. 567 00:26:23,206 --> 00:26:27,627 Guy in Ukraine's getting his face shot. We got people here like, "Zingers, ugh." 568 00:26:29,004 --> 00:26:32,424 Always blows my mind when somebody gets really upset about comedy. 569 00:26:32,507 --> 00:26:36,219 I told a joke, this guy got pissed. He goes, "Apologize for that joke." 570 00:26:36,303 --> 00:26:38,680 I'm like, "Sorry?" He goes, "You didn't mean that." 571 00:26:38,763 --> 00:26:41,391 I'm like, "I didn't mean the joke either, you queef." 572 00:26:41,474 --> 00:26:43,310 -[laughter] -"What are we doing here?" 573 00:26:44,352 --> 00:26:47,355 -[applause, whooping] -But, you know, maybe it's me. 574 00:26:47,439 --> 00:26:50,358 Maybe it's me. I'm too literal. Literal guy. 575 00:26:50,442 --> 00:26:53,528 Definitely hurt me in some social interactions, you know. 576 00:26:54,112 --> 00:26:56,740 Just last week, I was at a party. Girl comes up to me. 577 00:26:56,823 --> 00:26:59,075 She goes, "Are you gay?" "Nah, I'm not gay." 578 00:26:59,159 --> 00:27:01,661 She goes, "Whoa. Nothing wrong with being gay" 579 00:27:01,745 --> 00:27:03,872 I'm like, "I know. Just saying I'm not." 580 00:27:04,456 --> 00:27:07,083 "You're getting defensive." "Well, I'm not gay." 581 00:27:07,167 --> 00:27:09,919 "There's nothing wrong with it." "I know, but I'm not." 582 00:27:10,837 --> 00:27:13,548 She wouldn't let it go. I got annoyed. I go, "Are you pregnant?" 583 00:27:13,632 --> 00:27:16,593 "Screw you. I'm not pregnant." "Nothing wrong with being pregnant." 584 00:27:16,676 --> 00:27:18,553 [laughter] 585 00:27:19,804 --> 00:27:21,765 But we made up eventually. 586 00:27:21,848 --> 00:27:23,516 We're cool now, you know. 587 00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:25,226 She was like, "I should be honest." 588 00:27:25,310 --> 00:27:27,729 "I was pregnant for about three months in college." 589 00:27:27,812 --> 00:27:29,731 I was like, "Oh, that's when I was gay." 590 00:27:29,814 --> 00:27:31,816 [laughter] 591 00:27:32,609 --> 00:27:34,527 But, you know, I'm an idiot. 592 00:27:34,611 --> 00:27:35,528 Bad socially. 593 00:27:35,612 --> 00:27:37,989 I had a Tinder date ten years ago. Great date. 594 00:27:38,073 --> 00:27:40,325 One of those magical nights, everything clicked. 595 00:27:40,408 --> 00:27:43,495 Went back to her place. Fooling around, naked, giggling. 596 00:27:43,578 --> 00:27:46,790 She goes, "Your Tinder pic, you look like a serial killer." 597 00:27:46,873 --> 00:27:50,126 I was like, "Damn, that's not good." Took the wind out of my sails. 598 00:27:50,210 --> 00:27:53,254 She goes, "What did you think of my pic?" "I thought you looked easy." 599 00:27:53,338 --> 00:27:55,423 [laughter] 600 00:27:55,507 --> 00:27:57,967 That's what she did. She flipped out. She went nuts. 601 00:27:58,051 --> 00:28:00,387 "Why are you mad? Nothing wrong with being easy." 602 00:28:00,470 --> 00:28:03,223 "Serial killer? Way worse." Right? 603 00:28:04,099 --> 00:28:07,060 "You said I look like I murder people. I said you look fun." 604 00:28:07,143 --> 00:28:09,145 "Why are you mad? I should be mad at you." 605 00:28:09,229 --> 00:28:12,691 I didn't get it. Then I realized, I'm not a serial killer. 606 00:28:13,692 --> 00:28:15,694 [laughter] 607 00:28:16,736 --> 00:28:18,113 She is easy. 608 00:28:18,196 --> 00:28:19,823 [applause, whooping] 609 00:28:19,906 --> 00:28:23,284 That's when I realized you can't say what someone is to them. 610 00:28:23,368 --> 00:28:26,830 That's mean. I learned that that night. You can't say what someone is to them. 611 00:28:26,913 --> 00:28:30,083 I'd never call a retarded person retarded. That's just mean. 612 00:28:30,166 --> 00:28:32,752 I'd call my friend retarded, 'cause he's not retarded. 613 00:28:33,461 --> 00:28:37,048 If a friend spilled Pepsi on my laptop. "What are you doing, you retard?" 614 00:28:37,549 --> 00:28:40,885 If a retarded kid spilled Pepsi on my laptop, I'd be like, 615 00:28:40,969 --> 00:28:44,055 "Bubbles. Yay." 616 00:28:45,390 --> 00:28:47,767 'Cause I'm not an asshole. I'm learning. 617 00:28:49,519 --> 00:28:52,272 "By the way, I went on a date with a girl that looks easy." 618 00:28:52,355 --> 00:28:54,607 "You went on a date with a guy that looks like a killer." 619 00:28:54,691 --> 00:28:56,109 "What, are you fucking retarded?" 620 00:28:56,192 --> 00:28:58,194 [laughter, cheering] 621 00:28:58,778 --> 00:29:00,780 -Hmm. -[applause, whooping] 622 00:29:05,744 --> 00:29:08,538 But I didn't mean to insult the lady, you know. 623 00:29:08,621 --> 00:29:12,584 "You got a problem with easy women?" "I'm here. What are you talking about?" 624 00:29:13,418 --> 00:29:14,586 I think it's crazy. 625 00:29:14,669 --> 00:29:18,715 It's 2023. We still make women feel bad for being promiscuous. 626 00:29:18,798 --> 00:29:20,592 Sluts are the best, right? 627 00:29:21,384 --> 00:29:22,761 Why make them feel bad? 628 00:29:23,303 --> 00:29:26,473 The best time to be a promiscuous woman was Native American times. 629 00:29:26,556 --> 00:29:28,224 Inca, Aztec, Mayan. 630 00:29:28,308 --> 00:29:31,895 They used to sacrifice virgins to the gods. Throw them in a volcano. 631 00:29:31,978 --> 00:29:35,023 Holy shit. I'd be the biggest tramp on the reservation. 632 00:29:36,357 --> 00:29:37,484 It could save your life. 633 00:29:37,567 --> 00:29:41,029 Chief walks up. "Ma'am, crops are dying. We gotta sacrifice a virgin." 634 00:29:41,112 --> 00:29:43,448 "Are you a virgin?" "No, huge whore." 635 00:29:43,531 --> 00:29:44,949 "Huge whore." 636 00:29:45,033 --> 00:29:47,952 "You are way off, baby. Way off, all right?" 637 00:29:48,036 --> 00:29:51,122 "I give the best arrowhead on this side of the wigwam, okay?" 638 00:29:51,706 --> 00:29:56,085 "You don't know what you're dealing with. I put the 'ho' in Navajo out here, okay?" 639 00:29:56,169 --> 00:30:00,089 Yeah, you know my tribe name, Spread Eagle? That's me. 640 00:30:00,965 --> 00:30:02,091 Yeah. 641 00:30:03,051 --> 00:30:04,928 I think I like that system better. 642 00:30:05,011 --> 00:30:08,014 Reward the fun gals, get rid of the boring ones. 643 00:30:08,097 --> 00:30:10,141 You know there was some chief up on the volcano going, 644 00:30:10,225 --> 00:30:11,226 "You should've fucked me." 645 00:30:11,309 --> 00:30:13,853 "Whoa. Hey. All right. Shit. Look at that." 646 00:30:15,563 --> 00:30:17,232 Nothing wrong with being promiscuous. 647 00:30:17,315 --> 00:30:19,484 Don't let anybody make you feel bad about that. 648 00:30:19,567 --> 00:30:23,571 But, ladies, you gotta own being sluts. Sometimes you slut-shame yourselves. 649 00:30:23,655 --> 00:30:25,782 That's not gonna help the movement, huh? 650 00:30:26,574 --> 00:30:28,827 You have sex with a girl. You're like, "I gotta go." 651 00:30:28,910 --> 00:30:30,787 "You're gonna leave? I feel like a whore." 652 00:30:30,870 --> 00:30:32,580 It's like, "Yeah, you are." 653 00:30:34,040 --> 00:30:35,750 "And that's okay." 654 00:30:35,834 --> 00:30:38,837 "I don't want you to think I'm a slut." "No, I knew." 655 00:30:38,920 --> 00:30:40,588 [laughter] 656 00:30:40,672 --> 00:30:42,632 There's nothing wrong with it, remember? 657 00:30:42,715 --> 00:30:45,218 You can't tell people not to slut-shame and do it to yourself. 658 00:30:45,301 --> 00:30:48,012 It kills me when I see women trashing promiscuous women. 659 00:30:48,096 --> 00:30:50,765 "How about Rachel? What a whore." "What do you mean?" 660 00:30:50,849 --> 00:30:53,977 "She fucks a new guy every weekend." "So what? What do you do?" 661 00:30:54,060 --> 00:30:57,689 Every girl goes, "I get dinner and drinks out of him. Spend some money first." 662 00:30:57,772 --> 00:31:00,984 "Wait, you're calling her a whore and you're a prostitute." 663 00:31:01,067 --> 00:31:02,861 [laughter] 664 00:31:02,944 --> 00:31:05,822 Isn't that weirder? She's banging guys she likes for free. 665 00:31:05,905 --> 00:31:08,616 You're like, "How much lobster can I get with this clam?" 666 00:31:09,909 --> 00:31:11,786 Isn't that way whorier? 667 00:31:11,870 --> 00:31:12,954 I don't know. 668 00:31:13,037 --> 00:31:14,914 What do I know? I'm a feminist. 669 00:31:14,998 --> 00:31:17,000 -But, you know. -[laughter] 670 00:31:17,876 --> 00:31:20,086 A lot of prostitutes walk around my neighborhood. 671 00:31:20,169 --> 00:31:22,839 You're supposed to say sex worker now, but I've given enough money, 672 00:31:22,922 --> 00:31:25,174 I should be able to call them whatever I want. But… 673 00:31:25,258 --> 00:31:26,843 [laughter] 674 00:31:26,926 --> 00:31:28,845 Sex is just such a strange thing. 675 00:31:28,928 --> 00:31:31,639 We all have sex. We like sex. You guys have sex. 676 00:31:31,723 --> 00:31:33,349 Please, send me a video. 677 00:31:33,433 --> 00:31:35,560 You know, sex is fun. We like it. 678 00:31:35,643 --> 00:31:38,187 If you charge for it, all of a sudden there's a stigma. 679 00:31:38,271 --> 00:31:41,816 Weird. Sex is the only thing on earth that gets sadder when you go pro. 680 00:31:41,900 --> 00:31:42,859 Huh. 681 00:31:43,484 --> 00:31:45,278 Nothing else is like that. 682 00:31:45,361 --> 00:31:46,738 Maybe bowling. 683 00:31:46,821 --> 00:31:47,864 Hmm. 684 00:31:49,449 --> 00:31:51,701 "My friend's a great bowler." "That's cool." 685 00:31:51,784 --> 00:31:54,662 "My other friend's a professional bowler." "That's a shame." 686 00:31:56,331 --> 00:32:00,376 Either way, bowling or prostitution, holes are getting fingered in an alley. 687 00:32:00,460 --> 00:32:02,337 -[laughter] -Yeah. 688 00:32:04,589 --> 00:32:07,717 Yeah, I've been with a lot of promiscuous gals in my day. 689 00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:10,345 Paid for a couple of big old aborshes. 690 00:32:10,428 --> 00:32:11,930 That's a thing, you know. 691 00:32:12,013 --> 00:32:14,349 One time I left the abortion clinic with a lady 692 00:32:14,432 --> 00:32:15,850 and there's a guy protesting. 693 00:32:15,934 --> 00:32:18,144 He goes, "You're a goddamn murderer." 694 00:32:18,227 --> 00:32:21,356 I don't know about murderer. I really more just hired a hitman. 695 00:32:21,940 --> 00:32:23,942 [laughter] 696 00:32:28,237 --> 00:32:30,448 He's like, "If it was up to me, you'd be in jail." 697 00:32:30,531 --> 00:32:32,492 If I go to jail for this, I want murderer status. 698 00:32:32,575 --> 00:32:33,785 I wanna look tough. 699 00:32:33,868 --> 00:32:37,080 The guys talking. "What are you in for?" "Grand theft auto." "Assault." 700 00:32:37,163 --> 00:32:38,247 I'm like, "Murder." 701 00:32:38,331 --> 00:32:40,208 They're like, "Damn! Who'd you kill?" 702 00:32:40,291 --> 00:32:42,543 I'm like, "Huh! A relative." 703 00:32:42,627 --> 00:32:44,754 [laughter] 704 00:32:45,713 --> 00:32:49,676 They're like, "Whoa, why'd you do that?" I'm like, "Caught him inside my girl." 705 00:32:49,759 --> 00:32:51,010 [chuckles] 706 00:32:52,679 --> 00:32:55,598 I miss that gal. She was fun, she was wild. 707 00:32:55,682 --> 00:32:58,685 After the abortion, she was like, "We should celebrate with a drink." 708 00:32:58,768 --> 00:33:01,688 I was like, "I don't think you should drink on an empty stomach." 709 00:33:01,771 --> 00:33:03,731 [laughter, groaning] 710 00:33:04,524 --> 00:33:06,234 [applause, cheering] 711 00:33:06,317 --> 00:33:08,736 -Ah. All right. -[whistling] 712 00:33:08,820 --> 00:33:09,654 Yeah. 713 00:33:11,864 --> 00:33:15,243 But, you know, it's good you guys can come out for a yuk. 714 00:33:15,326 --> 00:33:17,996 I know times are weird. The economy's in the toilet. 715 00:33:18,079 --> 00:33:20,373 Gas prices are higher than Hunter Biden. 716 00:33:20,456 --> 00:33:22,875 Who knows what's going on out there, you know? 717 00:33:22,959 --> 00:33:24,460 All my friends are broke. 718 00:33:24,544 --> 00:33:27,130 One of my friends is broke but still buys the most crap. 719 00:33:27,213 --> 00:33:28,881 He just bought a Peloton. 720 00:33:28,965 --> 00:33:30,466 You ever see one of these things? 721 00:33:30,550 --> 00:33:31,926 Three grand for this thing. 722 00:33:32,010 --> 00:33:35,179 Imagine explaining a Peloton to someone in a Third World country. 723 00:33:35,680 --> 00:33:38,349 Some guy with no shoes on, on a dirt road, shabby clothes. 724 00:33:38,433 --> 00:33:42,437 "Whoa, you spent $3,000 on a bike? Must be pretty fast." 725 00:33:42,979 --> 00:33:46,232 "Doesn't move. Just sits in the living room." 726 00:33:46,315 --> 00:33:49,444 "In the living room? When you pedal, it generates power for your home?" 727 00:33:49,527 --> 00:33:52,071 "No. Uses a lot of power. Got a big screen on the front." 728 00:33:52,655 --> 00:33:55,158 "Big screen? When you use it, you watch funny TV shows?" 729 00:33:55,241 --> 00:33:57,618 "No, a better-looking person yells at you." 730 00:33:57,702 --> 00:34:00,997 "Oh. This thing sounds terrible. What's the upside?" 731 00:34:01,080 --> 00:34:03,666 "You eat too much takeout, you gotta burn some calories." 732 00:34:03,750 --> 00:34:05,418 "Whoa, whoa. What's takeout?" 733 00:34:05,501 --> 00:34:07,086 "That's where a guy on a bicycle 734 00:34:07,170 --> 00:34:09,297 brings food to your house and you pay him." 735 00:34:09,380 --> 00:34:10,590 [laughter] 736 00:34:10,673 --> 00:34:14,010 "Wait. This guy's got a real bike and you give him money? Why not do that?" 737 00:34:14,093 --> 00:34:16,637 [scoffs] "What am I? A fucking immigrant? Come on." 738 00:34:18,056 --> 00:34:19,974 That's America. Yeah. 739 00:34:20,058 --> 00:34:22,060 -Any immigrants here tonight? -[whooping] 740 00:34:22,143 --> 00:34:25,021 Hey, how are you? Where you from? 741 00:34:25,104 --> 00:34:27,607 -China. -[Mark] China? All right. 742 00:34:27,690 --> 00:34:29,275 Sorry about the balloons. 743 00:34:29,358 --> 00:34:31,360 But, um, all right. 744 00:34:32,612 --> 00:34:36,491 Good one. Good to have you. Thank you. Just don't cough. 745 00:34:38,367 --> 00:34:39,702 [man] Ireland. 746 00:34:39,786 --> 00:34:41,871 Ireland? I was hoping for something browner. 747 00:34:41,954 --> 00:34:43,998 -All right, okay. -[laughter] 748 00:34:44,082 --> 00:34:47,001 Thanks for being here. And you seem sober, which is shocking. 749 00:34:47,085 --> 00:34:48,252 -All right. -[man] Pakistan. 750 00:34:48,336 --> 00:34:52,131 Pakistan? Hey, hopefully only one of us bombs. 751 00:34:54,342 --> 00:34:57,011 I don't even know if that's a thing. Um… 752 00:34:57,595 --> 00:35:00,139 Mexicans? Are you Mexican, sir? 753 00:35:00,223 --> 00:35:01,265 [whooping] 754 00:35:01,349 --> 00:35:03,851 Yeah, you'd look cute in a cage. All right. 755 00:35:06,687 --> 00:35:09,482 Somebody check his papers, huh? All right. 756 00:35:09,565 --> 00:35:11,275 Sorry, that was a spicy one. 757 00:35:11,359 --> 00:35:14,028 Good to have you. Sorry, sir. That joke was over the line. 758 00:35:14,112 --> 00:35:16,280 And so are you. But, uh… 759 00:35:17,323 --> 00:35:19,242 I'm jealous of immigrants, I really am. 760 00:35:19,325 --> 00:35:23,037 My buddy's a Mexican immigrant. Been here eight years. He loves America. 761 00:35:23,121 --> 00:35:25,998 He never thinks about the bad parts. We got a lot of bad history. 762 00:35:26,082 --> 00:35:28,459 Slavery, Civil Rights, oppressing women, homophobia. 763 00:35:28,543 --> 00:35:31,045 He's like, "I just got here." [laughs] 764 00:35:31,129 --> 00:35:32,588 What a great position to be in. 765 00:35:32,672 --> 00:35:34,674 All the fun of America, not much of the hardship. 766 00:35:34,757 --> 00:35:37,260 It's like becoming a firefighter on September 12th. 767 00:35:37,343 --> 00:35:39,345 [laughter] 768 00:35:44,100 --> 00:35:45,226 Immigrants are great. 769 00:35:45,309 --> 00:35:48,479 Immigrants tend to appreciate America more than most Americans. 770 00:35:48,563 --> 00:35:51,482 I'm from here, born and raised. I'm spoiled. I take it for granted. 771 00:35:51,566 --> 00:35:54,110 My grandparents are immigrants from Sicily. They never shut up. 772 00:35:54,193 --> 00:35:56,362 The American dream, the freedom, the opportunity. 773 00:35:56,445 --> 00:35:58,865 And I'm like, "Where the fuck's my Uber Eats?" 774 00:36:00,491 --> 00:36:03,744 "Where the hell is that Pakistani with my food, goddammit?" 775 00:36:06,247 --> 00:36:08,499 Yeah. But I thought that was the big dream. 776 00:36:08,583 --> 00:36:13,045 You come to America, you make it big, you make a couple of bucks, you get rich. 777 00:36:13,129 --> 00:36:15,756 Boy, the rich thing is weird now. 778 00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:19,468 Feels like we hate rich people. Isn't that weird? See that online a lot. 779 00:36:19,552 --> 00:36:21,762 "Fuck the rich, kill the rich, eat the rich." 780 00:36:22,305 --> 00:36:24,974 Why are we all shitting on the thing we wanna be? 781 00:36:25,558 --> 00:36:26,726 Like making fun of old people. 782 00:36:26,809 --> 00:36:29,061 "Look at that old bastard. Probably shit his pants." 783 00:36:29,145 --> 00:36:30,563 Yeah, that's the goal. 784 00:36:31,898 --> 00:36:33,191 We're all hypocrites. 785 00:36:33,274 --> 00:36:35,443 We all go to 7-Eleven, "Gimme that scratch-off." 786 00:36:35,526 --> 00:36:37,403 Guy goes by in a Ferrari. [imitates car] 787 00:36:37,486 --> 00:36:39,447 "Rich prick. Come on, big money." 788 00:36:40,948 --> 00:36:43,868 Which one is it? All of my friends are very left-leaning, liberal, 789 00:36:43,951 --> 00:36:46,704 "Down with hate, we gotta stop hate. But fuck rich people." 790 00:36:46,787 --> 00:36:49,415 "That feels pretty hateful." "Well, I hate the 1%." 791 00:36:49,498 --> 00:36:51,375 Like, "Whoa, so you hate minorities?" 792 00:36:53,711 --> 00:36:55,504 We're all so compassionate these days 793 00:36:55,588 --> 00:36:58,216 till someone's doing better than you, then fuck them. 794 00:36:58,299 --> 00:37:00,968 Rich guy's like, "My beach house burned down in Malibu." 795 00:37:01,052 --> 00:37:02,345 "Boo-fucking-hoo." 796 00:37:02,428 --> 00:37:04,555 He's like, "Well, my kids were in there." 797 00:37:06,265 --> 00:37:09,936 "I don't get it. I invented something, now I don't have feelings? Weird." 798 00:37:10,728 --> 00:37:13,606 All these absolutes now. "Rich people are all evil." 799 00:37:13,689 --> 00:37:16,400 That's not how people work. They vary. Some are evil, some are nice. 800 00:37:16,484 --> 00:37:19,237 "Cops are all bad." No, some are bad, some are awesome. 801 00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:22,531 "Teachers are heroes." Some are heroes, some fuck their students. 802 00:37:22,615 --> 00:37:24,367 -Right? -[laughter] 803 00:37:24,450 --> 00:37:27,495 -And that student is a hero. -[laughter] 804 00:37:27,578 --> 00:37:30,373 -Yeah. All right. -[applause, cheering] 805 00:37:32,750 --> 00:37:35,628 I don't hate any group. I like all the groups, you know? 806 00:37:35,711 --> 00:37:37,255 I also like racial jokes. 807 00:37:37,338 --> 00:37:39,715 Yeah, those kind of went away. 808 00:37:40,883 --> 00:37:43,427 I grew up in a predominantly Black neighborhood. 809 00:37:43,511 --> 00:37:46,430 We'd say horrible things to each other. Everybody got along. 810 00:37:46,514 --> 00:37:50,059 You can't make those jokes anymore, and we seem more tense than ever. 811 00:37:50,142 --> 00:37:51,978 It was fun. Cut the tension, you know? 812 00:37:52,061 --> 00:37:56,607 They'd be like, "Mark, you can't dance." I was like, "Well, you can't swim. Ah!" 813 00:37:57,692 --> 00:37:59,277 We're still friends to this day. 814 00:37:59,360 --> 00:38:01,737 Then some stiff white guy, "You can't say that." 815 00:38:01,821 --> 00:38:04,031 You don't know our relationship. That's what we do. 816 00:38:04,115 --> 00:38:08,077 You walk in on me choking my wife. "Call the police." No, she loves that. 817 00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:09,537 [laughter] 818 00:38:09,620 --> 00:38:11,664 You don't always know the relationship. 819 00:38:11,747 --> 00:38:14,750 We're just so obsessed with race now, it's always on my mind. 820 00:38:14,834 --> 00:38:17,712 On the phone with my insurance agent. "What color's your car?" 821 00:38:17,795 --> 00:38:19,964 I was like, "Jeez. I thought you were progressive." 822 00:38:21,048 --> 00:38:23,050 [laughter, applause] 823 00:38:23,926 --> 00:38:26,554 And, look, I'm a pretty progressive guy. 824 00:38:26,637 --> 00:38:28,723 But sometimes we get so progressive these days 825 00:38:28,806 --> 00:38:30,725 we actually end up kinda racist again. 826 00:38:30,808 --> 00:38:34,437 I used to just have my friend. Now I'm very aware he's my Black friend. 827 00:38:34,520 --> 00:38:37,440 "Don't say anything stupid. Don't offend him." That's not progress. 828 00:38:37,523 --> 00:38:40,192 I'm obsessed with his skin color now. Never thought about it before. 829 00:38:40,276 --> 00:38:41,819 Everything I say, I'm second-guessing. 830 00:38:41,902 --> 00:38:45,406 "You're always banging your girlfriend. You're like a sex slave." 831 00:38:45,489 --> 00:38:47,325 Ah, shit. Ah. 832 00:38:47,992 --> 00:38:50,453 "No, I'm just saying, you know, you're whipped." 833 00:38:50,536 --> 00:38:52,079 Ah, damn. 834 00:38:52,872 --> 00:38:55,666 "No, I mean, you know, I just wanna hang." 835 00:38:55,750 --> 00:38:57,460 [groans] 836 00:38:58,461 --> 00:39:00,254 He's like, "Screw this, I'm outta here." 837 00:39:00,338 --> 00:39:03,466 "All right, I'll see you later." Jesus Christ. Holy Hell. 838 00:39:04,383 --> 00:39:05,885 That's not healthy. 839 00:39:06,594 --> 00:39:08,929 Hope no Jews are offended. We got any Jews here? 840 00:39:09,013 --> 00:39:11,015 -[whooping, whistling] -Hey, all right! 841 00:39:11,098 --> 00:39:13,309 -Get 'em! -[laughter] 842 00:39:13,976 --> 00:39:17,605 Just joking, Jews. Thanks for coming out. Love the tribe. 843 00:39:17,688 --> 00:39:19,690 And do something about this weather, will you? 844 00:39:19,774 --> 00:39:21,817 -Yeah. -[laughter] 845 00:39:24,028 --> 00:39:25,363 I love the Jews. 846 00:39:25,946 --> 00:39:30,284 My Jewish friends and my Black friends butt heads a lot over who had it worse. 847 00:39:30,368 --> 00:39:32,828 That's a big argument. Slavery or the Holocaust? 848 00:39:32,912 --> 00:39:35,039 Got heated one night, almost came to blows. 849 00:39:35,122 --> 00:39:37,750 My Black friend had to be like, "We've got stuff in common." 850 00:39:37,833 --> 00:39:40,252 "Let's focus on that. We're both oppressed." 851 00:39:40,336 --> 00:39:43,714 "Both contribute a lot to the arts, and our grandparents are both ashy." 852 00:39:44,340 --> 00:39:46,342 [laughter, groaning] 853 00:39:49,261 --> 00:39:51,263 [cheering, applause] 854 00:39:54,266 --> 00:39:56,769 Just saying, Jews and Black people, a lot in common. 855 00:39:56,852 --> 00:39:59,688 I go to my Black friend's house, closet's got a big pile of shoes. 856 00:39:59,772 --> 00:40:03,275 Go to the Holocaust Museum, there's a big pile of… You get it. 857 00:40:09,031 --> 00:40:10,116 But, no. 858 00:40:10,658 --> 00:40:14,370 Big fan of the Jews. I hate to see the anti-Semitism bubbling up these days. 859 00:40:14,453 --> 00:40:16,455 That's a bummer. Some people aren't having it. 860 00:40:16,539 --> 00:40:19,458 I heard one guy go, "These Jews are acting like babies." 861 00:40:19,542 --> 00:40:21,335 "These Jews are acting like babies." 862 00:40:21,419 --> 00:40:24,213 I disagree. I think Jews are tough, I think they're resilient. 863 00:40:24,296 --> 00:40:26,841 I do, however, think babies are acting like Jews. 864 00:40:26,924 --> 00:40:28,926 -Yeah. -[laughter] 865 00:40:29,718 --> 00:40:32,430 I was at a diner last week with my buddy. He's Jewish. 866 00:40:32,513 --> 00:40:34,849 A baby one table over. They were doing the same shit. 867 00:40:35,641 --> 00:40:37,601 Both wearing little hats, you know. 868 00:40:38,352 --> 00:40:42,064 Baby's uncomfortable, squirming. I look at my friend, he's like, "My back." 869 00:40:43,774 --> 00:40:46,402 The bill came, they both shit their pants and left. 870 00:40:50,114 --> 00:40:51,657 But, you know, I make jokes, 871 00:40:51,740 --> 00:40:54,702 but I try to be a good honky ally to my Black brethren. 872 00:40:55,369 --> 00:40:57,163 An awkward moment for a white guy 873 00:40:57,246 --> 00:40:59,623 is going to see a slave movie with your Black friend. 874 00:40:59,707 --> 00:41:02,501 Awkward. Did that a few years back. Still haunts me. 875 00:41:03,085 --> 00:41:06,464 Hanging out with two Black guys. "We should see a movie." "Hell, yeah." 876 00:41:06,547 --> 00:41:10,342 "We should go see 12 Years A Slave." I was like, "Ah. I'll get the tickets." 877 00:41:11,260 --> 00:41:13,429 [laughter] 878 00:41:13,512 --> 00:41:14,805 "It's on me." 879 00:41:15,389 --> 00:41:18,184 We had to see 12 Years A Slave in Harlem in the theater. 880 00:41:18,267 --> 00:41:21,145 I'm the only white guy in there. I'm so uncomfortable, I'm shaking. 881 00:41:21,228 --> 00:41:24,231 My friend's like, "What's your problem?" "I want to leave, but I can't." 882 00:41:24,315 --> 00:41:26,150 He's like, "Now you know how the slaves felt." 883 00:41:26,233 --> 00:41:27,610 God damn. 884 00:41:28,569 --> 00:41:30,654 He's like, "We did 400 years. You can do two hours." 885 00:41:30,738 --> 00:41:32,907 I was like, "Yes, Master." [chuckles] 886 00:41:34,116 --> 00:41:37,578 And that is how I made slavery about me. 887 00:41:37,661 --> 00:41:39,413 [laughter, applause] 888 00:41:39,497 --> 00:41:42,249 That's what white people do. Yeah. 889 00:41:44,710 --> 00:41:47,046 But I think we're making progress. 890 00:41:47,129 --> 00:41:49,882 We've got a Black mermaid now. That's big. Yeah. 891 00:41:49,965 --> 00:41:53,052 Can't have a Jewish mermaid, 'cause you guys can't fuck with shellfish. 892 00:41:53,135 --> 00:41:55,387 -But, you know. -[laughter] 893 00:41:55,888 --> 00:41:57,973 We've got a Black mermaid. They're making more. 894 00:41:58,057 --> 00:41:59,600 Pixar's doing a Rapunzel movie. 895 00:41:59,683 --> 00:42:02,436 "Rapunzel, let down your hair." Rapunzel's gonna be Black. 896 00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:04,772 Which is cool. But the Prince is gonna be white. 897 00:42:04,855 --> 00:42:07,650 Gonna be awkward when he goes, "Rapunzel, let down your hair." 898 00:42:07,733 --> 00:42:10,319 And she's gonna be like, "You're not touching this shit." 899 00:42:12,571 --> 00:42:15,533 But it is horrible when you see some real racism go down. 900 00:42:15,616 --> 00:42:18,494 I was on the bus last week. Black guy tried to get on the bus. 901 00:42:18,577 --> 00:42:19,954 Driver's like, "We're full, buddy." 902 00:42:20,037 --> 00:42:21,997 He's like, "I'm just trying to get on the bus." 903 00:42:22,081 --> 00:42:24,917 He goes, "You're treating me like this 'cause I'm Black." 904 00:42:25,000 --> 00:42:28,295 I'm like, man, that is messed up to treat someone differently 'cause they're Black. 905 00:42:28,379 --> 00:42:30,631 Then I realized, wait a minute, we all do that. 906 00:42:31,674 --> 00:42:34,051 Black guy says the n-word, no big deal. 907 00:42:34,134 --> 00:42:36,804 White lady, you say the n-word, I get an erection. 908 00:42:36,887 --> 00:42:38,931 -You know. -[laughter] 909 00:42:42,226 --> 00:42:45,646 But sometimes you should treat groups differently, you know? 910 00:42:45,729 --> 00:42:49,191 If my white friend's getting wild, "Dude, you're crazy. You're an animal." 911 00:42:49,275 --> 00:42:51,986 If my Black friend's getting wild, I'm like, "Dude." 912 00:42:53,028 --> 00:42:54,738 "You're crazy." [chuckles] 913 00:42:57,283 --> 00:42:59,785 I'm way nicer to Black people than I am to white people. 914 00:43:00,911 --> 00:43:03,747 I was at the gym, white guy playing his music really loud. 915 00:43:03,831 --> 00:43:07,501 We're all like, "It's a public space. It's rude. Get the hell out of here." 916 00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:10,170 He leaves. Twenty minutes later, a Black guy comes in. 917 00:43:10,254 --> 00:43:14,008 He starts playing his music really loud. We're all like, "Good tunes, brother." 918 00:43:14,091 --> 00:43:16,135 [laughter] 919 00:43:16,218 --> 00:43:19,013 I had a guy go, "You do that 'cause you're scared of Black people." 920 00:43:19,096 --> 00:43:21,765 I'm not scared of Black people. I'm scared of cell phone cameras. 921 00:43:21,849 --> 00:43:23,892 That is terrifying, you know? 922 00:43:23,976 --> 00:43:25,936 At a restaurant, a Black guy's like, "I got you." 923 00:43:26,020 --> 00:43:28,689 Like, "Whoa. I said vinegar. Vinegar. What the hell?" 924 00:43:29,648 --> 00:43:31,066 "Salt and vinegar." 925 00:43:33,152 --> 00:43:34,612 That's a dicey one. 926 00:43:36,238 --> 00:43:38,616 I like a dicey zinger. Some people get weird. 927 00:43:38,699 --> 00:43:41,535 You know who doesn't like dicey jokes? TV writers. 928 00:43:41,619 --> 00:43:43,704 They've turned down everything I ever pitched. 929 00:43:43,787 --> 00:43:46,248 I pitched this great sitcom about the 9/11 terrorists, 930 00:43:46,332 --> 00:43:48,167 but of course, they shot down the pilot. 931 00:43:48,250 --> 00:43:50,628 -But, you know. -[laughter] 932 00:43:50,711 --> 00:43:51,837 I know. 933 00:43:53,589 --> 00:43:55,883 You guys are fun. A lot of crowds are sensitive. 934 00:43:55,966 --> 00:43:59,011 People are getting sensitive. My buddy is a vegan. Holy shit. 935 00:43:59,720 --> 00:44:02,723 I'm walking on eggshells around him. He really hates that. 936 00:44:04,600 --> 00:44:07,353 He's a great guy, but going out to eat with him is a nightmare. 937 00:44:07,436 --> 00:44:10,230 He's got to have the Impossible Burger. You know about this? 938 00:44:10,314 --> 00:44:13,484 Looks like meat, tastes like meat, feels like meat, but it's not meat. 939 00:44:13,567 --> 00:44:16,403 Weird. You hate something but want something just like it. Huh. 940 00:44:16,487 --> 00:44:18,405 It's like a lesbian with a strap-on. 941 00:44:18,489 --> 00:44:20,199 [laughter] 942 00:44:20,282 --> 00:44:22,618 You hate dick, but it looks like a dick, feels like a dick. 943 00:44:22,701 --> 00:44:24,328 I can't believe it's not dick. 944 00:44:25,663 --> 00:44:27,331 It's beyond dick. 945 00:44:29,124 --> 00:44:30,709 We got any lesbians here tonight? 946 00:44:30,793 --> 00:44:31,877 [whooping] 947 00:44:31,960 --> 00:44:33,420 Hey, all right. 948 00:44:33,504 --> 00:44:35,422 I think that was a guy. Uh… 949 00:44:35,506 --> 00:44:37,091 [laughter] 950 00:44:39,885 --> 00:44:41,261 Lesbians are underrepresented. 951 00:44:41,345 --> 00:44:43,972 I travel the country doing comedy. I see gay bars everywhere. 952 00:44:44,056 --> 00:44:47,434 They always have funny names, like The Manhole or The Back Door. 953 00:44:47,518 --> 00:44:51,021 Where's all the fun lesbian bars? Where's Clitz, with a z? 954 00:44:52,773 --> 00:44:56,568 Clitz. Perfect name for a lesbian bar, 'cause no guy could find it. 955 00:44:56,652 --> 00:44:58,278 [laughter] 956 00:44:58,862 --> 00:45:01,699 And we'll put it right in the hood. Aha. 957 00:45:03,992 --> 00:45:05,119 [belches] 958 00:45:05,202 --> 00:45:08,288 -All right. Yeah. -[cheering] 959 00:45:08,372 --> 00:45:10,708 Comedy. All right. 960 00:45:10,791 --> 00:45:12,751 [whistling, applause] 961 00:45:12,835 --> 00:45:15,587 But, hey, it's good you guys are out now, 962 00:45:15,671 --> 00:45:18,048 'cause you're not watching the news. Too much news. 963 00:45:18,132 --> 00:45:20,551 The news is dark. It's on 24/7. 964 00:45:20,634 --> 00:45:23,846 The news is more twisted than ever. Saw a news headline the other day. 965 00:45:23,929 --> 00:45:27,433 "Transgender inmate impregnates female prisoner." 966 00:45:27,516 --> 00:45:29,017 I was like, "Wow." 967 00:45:29,101 --> 00:45:30,477 "Where is that porn?" 968 00:45:30,561 --> 00:45:32,438 [laughter] 969 00:45:32,521 --> 00:45:36,442 I've been watching porn my whole life, never saw a title that creative, right? 970 00:45:37,276 --> 00:45:41,905 Man, the news is dark. The news is more fucked-up than porn now. 971 00:45:41,989 --> 00:45:44,908 And it's on everywhere. Every airport, bar, restaurant. 972 00:45:44,992 --> 00:45:47,703 Put some porn on. I think we'd be in a better mood. 973 00:45:47,786 --> 00:45:51,999 I was at the Amtrak station the other day. There was news on the wall, on TV. 974 00:45:52,082 --> 00:45:54,334 "Man attacks multiple people on trains." 975 00:45:54,418 --> 00:45:56,295 Jeez, I'm about to get on an Amtrak. 976 00:45:56,378 --> 00:45:58,464 Put some porn on, that'd be better. 977 00:45:59,006 --> 00:46:01,341 Then it's, "Man runs a train on multiple people." 978 00:46:01,425 --> 00:46:06,555 All right! Now I'm ready to board. Choo-choo. [laughs] 979 00:46:08,557 --> 00:46:11,560 The news is crazy. Isn't it weird we have two news channels in America 980 00:46:11,643 --> 00:46:13,645 that tell you two completely different news? 981 00:46:13,729 --> 00:46:16,440 How did that happen? Just tell me the news. 982 00:46:16,523 --> 00:46:18,066 I don't want your spin or bias. 983 00:46:18,150 --> 00:46:20,402 Thank God we don't do that with the weather. 984 00:46:21,779 --> 00:46:24,907 Wouldn't that be insane, if we had political, opinionated weather? 985 00:46:25,491 --> 00:46:28,786 We're going to the beach tomorrow, let's check the left-wing weather. 986 00:46:28,869 --> 00:46:29,912 Boop. 987 00:46:29,995 --> 00:46:34,082 "Hey, folks. 90 degrees outside. Beautiful day for an abortion." 988 00:46:34,166 --> 00:46:36,376 [laughter] 989 00:46:36,460 --> 00:46:39,630 "We got some dark clouds coming in. Excuse me, clouds of color." 990 00:46:39,713 --> 00:46:44,551 "And, as you can see, we've got tropical storm Kelly brewing." 991 00:46:44,635 --> 00:46:48,055 "Slowly transitions to Hurricane Kevin, but we don't judge." 992 00:46:49,556 --> 00:46:52,976 "We're not sure what the future holds, but it's female. Back to you, they/them." 993 00:46:53,060 --> 00:46:55,646 Holy moly, I was just trying to get the goddamn weather. 994 00:46:55,729 --> 00:46:58,232 That was weird. I got nothing out of that. All right. 995 00:46:58,315 --> 00:47:01,944 Let's check the right-wing weather. Maybe that will be more informative. 996 00:47:02,027 --> 00:47:02,861 Boop. 997 00:47:02,945 --> 00:47:07,658 "Hey, folks. Grab your boots, it's 100% chance of storming the Capitol." 998 00:47:08,826 --> 00:47:12,454 "Oh yeah. Gonna be a lot of hailing and heiling out there, and--" 999 00:47:12,538 --> 00:47:14,790 -[laughter] -"We got some ice in the Midwest." 1000 00:47:14,873 --> 00:47:18,085 "We need some ICE at the border, I'll tell you that right now." 1001 00:47:19,294 --> 00:47:22,798 "Grab your coats, 'cause we hate snowflakes. Ooh!" 1002 00:47:22,881 --> 00:47:25,425 "Praise the Lord, and back to you, sugar tits." 1003 00:47:25,509 --> 00:47:27,469 [laughter] 1004 00:47:27,553 --> 00:47:29,555 [applause, cheering] 1005 00:47:30,347 --> 00:47:31,515 Uh-huh. 1006 00:47:32,266 --> 00:47:33,267 All right. 1007 00:47:35,769 --> 00:47:38,105 Yeah, the news, it's all politics now. 1008 00:47:38,188 --> 00:47:40,691 I'm so sick of politics. It's the new sports team. 1009 00:47:40,774 --> 00:47:44,778 People make it their whole personality. It's fricking exhausting. Yeah. 1010 00:47:45,445 --> 00:47:49,199 I look at politicians the same way I look at CBD gummies. 1011 00:47:49,283 --> 00:47:52,411 A lot of people believe in them, but I'm not sure they do anything. 1012 00:47:54,079 --> 00:47:56,582 They don't fix problems anymore, just change the name. 1013 00:47:56,665 --> 00:47:59,042 "We're not in a recession, it's a financial hiccup." 1014 00:47:59,126 --> 00:48:00,961 What? We're all broke. 1015 00:48:01,044 --> 00:48:03,755 The banks are failing. What are you talking about? 1016 00:48:03,839 --> 00:48:07,050 They do it with everything. "He's not obese, he's a person of size." 1017 00:48:07,134 --> 00:48:08,719 What? He's fat as shit. 1018 00:48:08,802 --> 00:48:10,178 [laughter] 1019 00:48:10,262 --> 00:48:12,014 "He's not homeless, he's unhoused." 1020 00:48:12,097 --> 00:48:13,724 He just diarrhea-d on my porch. 1021 00:48:13,807 --> 00:48:16,643 Like, who cares what we're calling it. Let's fix it. 1022 00:48:16,727 --> 00:48:21,481 How long till bad guys start doing that? "I'm not racist, I'm ethnically choosy." 1023 00:48:21,565 --> 00:48:22,524 Hmm? 1024 00:48:22,608 --> 00:48:25,694 "I'm not a school shooter, I'm a student body minimizer." 1025 00:48:25,777 --> 00:48:28,071 -Huh? -[applause, laughter] 1026 00:48:28,155 --> 00:48:29,990 Ah, school shootings. 1027 00:48:30,991 --> 00:48:32,451 It's a problem. 1028 00:48:33,660 --> 00:48:36,038 It's a problem in this country. I was just in Canada. 1029 00:48:36,121 --> 00:48:38,290 They're nicer than us. They don't shoot each other. 1030 00:48:38,373 --> 00:48:42,252 They stab. Isn't that nice? It's kinda romantic. 1031 00:48:42,336 --> 00:48:44,171 We shoot in America. More efficient. 1032 00:48:44,254 --> 00:48:47,883 Shooting somebody is like breaking up via text. Easy, no mess. 1033 00:48:47,966 --> 00:48:49,635 Stabbing is like breaking up in person. 1034 00:48:49,718 --> 00:48:52,679 You see that look in their eye. "I know. This is hard for me too." 1035 00:48:54,139 --> 00:48:58,310 Get back to your buddy, "How'd it go?" You're like, "She fucking freaked out." 1036 00:48:59,394 --> 00:49:01,396 [laughter] 1037 00:49:05,859 --> 00:49:07,527 Another reason women are better than men, 1038 00:49:07,611 --> 00:49:09,363 you don't see a lot of female school shooters. 1039 00:49:09,446 --> 00:49:12,574 What's going on there? I googled it, there's been two. 1040 00:49:12,658 --> 00:49:14,868 Huh. Anybody ever heard of them? 1041 00:49:14,952 --> 00:49:17,829 Isn't that weird? Whether it's gun violence or the WNBA… 1042 00:49:17,913 --> 00:49:19,915 [laughter] 1043 00:49:21,124 --> 00:49:23,293 …nobody's watching these female shooters. 1044 00:49:25,420 --> 00:49:26,672 Man or woman. 1045 00:49:27,381 --> 00:49:29,341 Gotta put up some more numbers, ladies. 1046 00:49:29,424 --> 00:49:31,426 [applause] 1047 00:49:33,303 --> 00:49:35,597 I think I can solve school shootings. 1048 00:49:35,681 --> 00:49:38,600 I know people love guns. It's America, people wanna buy a gun. 1049 00:49:38,684 --> 00:49:41,687 But I think if a high-school kid buys a semiautomatic weapon, 1050 00:49:41,770 --> 00:49:43,981 that should be a big deal. That should be public. 1051 00:49:44,064 --> 00:49:46,650 Let's make that an event, like a wedding. 1052 00:49:46,733 --> 00:49:49,486 You gotta send invitations, get your family to the gun shop. 1053 00:49:49,569 --> 00:49:51,196 The shop owner, he's like the priest. 1054 00:49:51,279 --> 00:49:53,907 He holds up the gun, "If anyone has any objections, 1055 00:49:54,616 --> 00:49:55,993 speak now, 1056 00:49:56,785 --> 00:49:59,079 or this guy will forever own this piece." 1057 00:50:00,747 --> 00:50:01,873 And we get some feedback. 1058 00:50:01,957 --> 00:50:05,794 "I'm his uncle. I don't think he should have that gun 'cause he was molested." 1059 00:50:05,877 --> 00:50:07,421 "I know that 'cause I did it." 1060 00:50:07,504 --> 00:50:08,839 [laughter] 1061 00:50:08,922 --> 00:50:10,757 "Probably a bad idea." 1062 00:50:11,758 --> 00:50:14,594 I think half of these shooter kids are incel, virgin weirdos. 1063 00:50:14,678 --> 00:50:18,223 They need to get laid, but it's harder to get laid than it is to buy a gun. 1064 00:50:18,306 --> 00:50:21,893 You can buy a gun at Walmart. You don't wanna fuck anybody at Walmart. 1065 00:50:23,186 --> 00:50:26,148 That's why every gun shop should double as a whorehouse. 1066 00:50:26,231 --> 00:50:28,525 Slow these kids down a little bit, you know? 1067 00:50:28,608 --> 00:50:30,986 Some angry kid comes in, "I need an AR-15." 1068 00:50:31,069 --> 00:50:33,572 We're like, "Whoa, whoa. How about a Brazilian 18?" 1069 00:50:33,655 --> 00:50:35,741 [laughter, applause] 1070 00:50:35,824 --> 00:50:37,826 -Yeah! -[cheering] 1071 00:50:43,331 --> 00:50:46,209 Yeah. Then some kid has sex with her, goes back to school, 1072 00:50:46,293 --> 00:50:48,962 he's like, "What the fuck was I so angry about?" 1073 00:50:49,046 --> 00:50:51,381 "Holy hell. Life is good!" 1074 00:50:51,465 --> 00:50:54,968 Someone's like, "Are you smoking?" He's like, "No, I'm paying a hooker." 1075 00:50:55,052 --> 00:50:56,928 [laughter] 1076 00:50:57,012 --> 00:51:00,974 All right, thanks a lot. I'm Kevin Hart. You guys are great. 1077 00:51:01,058 --> 00:51:04,186 Have a good night. Comedy! Thank you. 1078 00:51:04,269 --> 00:51:05,562 Queef it up! 1079 00:51:05,645 --> 00:51:06,730 Praise Allah! 1080 00:51:06,813 --> 00:51:07,773 I'm gay! 1081 00:51:07,856 --> 00:51:09,399 [cheering, applause] 1082 00:51:09,483 --> 00:51:11,693 [upbeat music playing] 1083 00:51:11,777 --> 00:51:14,696 [whistling, cheering] 1084 00:51:14,780 --> 00:51:16,782 [music continues] 85031

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