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1
00:00:21,479 --> 00:00:23,480
(hammering)
2
00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:36,118
Good morning,
my little chicks and cocks.
3
00:00:36,244 --> 00:00:38,162
Malcolm, monitoring. . . All the usual.
4
00:00:38,288 --> 00:00:40,664
How did your team do at the weekend?
5
00:00:40,790 --> 00:00:43,500
- All right, yeah, we won.
- (whispers) Wanker.
6
00:00:43,626 --> 00:00:46,628
Sam, morning. How are you?
7
00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:49,965
Well, pop-pickers,
what disc shall we start with today?
8
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:53,552
Wonky Ron
or how about Simon Foster?
9
00:00:53,678 --> 00:00:56,722
On the Eddie Mair
PM programme on the BBC.
10
00:00:56,848 --> 00:00:59,516
(recording) MAlR:
Well, I'm joined by Simon Foster,
11
00:00:59,642 --> 00:01:01,935
the Minister
for International Development.
12
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:04,021
You've been in the job for 1 8 months.
13
00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:06,065
Do you think you're making headway?
14
00:01:06,191 --> 00:01:08,067
SlMON FOSTER:
Yes, I do.
15
00:01:08,193 --> 00:01:10,903
You'd expect me to say that, I suppose.
16
00:01:11,780 --> 00:01:13,572
WOMAN:
Mark.
17
00:01:13,698 --> 00:01:16,366
You're co-ordinating
the Millennium Goals press release?
18
00:01:16,493 --> 00:01:18,285
Co-ordinate it better, please.
19
00:01:18,411 --> 00:01:20,329
ls that the minister?
20
00:01:20,455 --> 00:01:21,747
OK.
21
00:01:22,540 --> 00:01:25,876
Have we heard anything from Malcolm
about last night's interview?
22
00:01:26,002 --> 00:01:27,920
No, not yet.
23
00:01:28,046 --> 00:01:31,215
- Perhaps he didn't hear it.
- Or maybe he's dead.
24
00:01:31,341 --> 00:01:32,883
He might be dead !
25
00:01:33,009 --> 00:01:36,386
He might have finally had that
massive stroke he's been heading for.
26
00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:38,722
lt's been in the fucking post.
27
00:01:38,848 --> 00:01:42,893
Preventable sickness in many of the
poorest countries around the world.
28
00:01:43,019 --> 00:01:45,229
And of course,
the big one is diarrhoea...
29
00:01:45,355 --> 00:01:49,191
Ah, diarrhoea. This is the Minister
for lnternational Development.
30
00:01:49,317 --> 00:01:51,401
He should be talking about
food parcels,
31
00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:53,779
not fucking arse-spraying mayhem.
32
00:01:53,905 --> 00:01:57,199
So if we can tackle the easy things
like diarrhoea, then we can. . .
33
00:01:57,325 --> 00:01:59,660
Oh, say it again. Yes, very good.
34
00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:01,787
What is this, the shitting forecast?
35
00:02:01,913 --> 00:02:03,872
..hopefully that will strike another blow
36
00:02:03,998 --> 00:02:05,916
in the war against
preventable diseases.
37
00:02:06,042 --> 00:02:07,918
MAIR.. You mentioned the word "war".
- Steady, Eddie.
38
00:02:08,044 --> 00:02:09,878
FOSTER:
Against preventable diseases.
39
00:02:10,004 --> 00:02:12,339
MAlR:
All the evidence now points to
40
00:02:12,465 --> 00:02:15,801
a US military intervention
in the Middle East.
41
00:02:15,927 --> 00:02:17,886
Is that your view?
42
00:02:18,012 --> 00:02:21,640
FOSTER:. Well, personally,
I think that war is unforeseeable.
43
00:02:21,766 --> 00:02:23,267
Sam. Sam !
44
00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:24,977
MAIR:.. Unforeseeable?
FOSTER: Yes.
45
00:02:25,103 --> 00:02:27,938
No, you do not think that!
46
00:02:28,064 --> 00:02:30,149
Sam, l'm going to have to go
47
00:02:30,275 --> 00:02:33,902
to lnternational Development
to pull Simon Foster's fucking hair.
48
00:02:34,028 --> 00:02:35,946
He did not say "unforeseeable".
49
00:02:36,072 --> 00:02:39,032
You may have heard him say that,
but he did not say that.
50
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:40,617
And that is a fact.
51
00:02:40,743 --> 00:02:42,661
Now, he's gonna want you to row back
52
00:02:42,787 --> 00:02:45,622
on that "unforeseeable" thing
on Question Time tonight.
53
00:02:45,748 --> 00:02:49,793
On Question Time, you know the funny
question they always have at the end?
54
00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:51,170
Yes.
55
00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:53,213
l think we should prep that now.
56
00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:55,632
Cos l'd like to shine on
the funny question.
57
00:02:55,758 --> 00:02:58,010
l'm a funny guy, with a light touch.
58
00:02:58,136 --> 00:03:01,430
There's this guy, he's a property
tycoon. He bought a South Sea island.
59
00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:04,683
lt might be something like that.
lf you had to spend the rest of your life
60
00:03:04,809 --> 00:03:07,269
on a desert island with someone,
who would it be with?
61
00:03:07,395 --> 00:03:10,022
Well. . . l can't say my wife
cos l haven't got one.
62
00:03:10,148 --> 00:03:13,734
l can't say my girlfriend, because
l haven't got one of those either.
63
00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:17,654
- And don't say Mandela. That's. . .
- No, no, boring. And a bloke.
64
00:03:17,780 --> 00:03:19,239
Or Keira Knightley.
65
00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:21,450
That's a good idea.
66
00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:24,203
Pervert. Sex. Minister.
People don't want to know.
67
00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:25,829
l don't think so.
68
00:03:25,955 --> 00:03:28,081
Did you take
the washing out of the machine?
69
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:29,958
- No.
- What do you mean "no"?
70
00:03:30,084 --> 00:03:32,294
No, l didn't take
the washing out of the machine.
71
00:03:32,420 --> 00:03:34,671
- lt's gonna go really stale. . .
- lt'll be fine.
72
00:03:34,797 --> 00:03:37,090
- lt's not fine.
- lt's fine. l'll wear stale pants.
73
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,509
l don't want to go out
with someone in stale pants.
74
00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:41,678
Well, there we go.
l could go commando.
75
00:03:41,804 --> 00:03:44,264
But l don't think
that's accepted in government.
76
00:03:44,390 --> 00:03:46,850
Have you got everything
you need for your first day?
77
00:03:46,976 --> 00:03:48,894
Oh, yes, all in here.
My massive intellect
78
00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:51,313
and an apple for Simon Foster.
79
00:03:51,439 --> 00:03:53,357
Simon "Fluster", don't you mean?
80
00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:55,692
Don't call him that. l'm rebranding him.
81
00:03:55,818 --> 00:03:58,237
He was absolutely crap
on the radio last night.
82
00:03:58,363 --> 00:04:00,530
He sounded like a chicken
with a wasp up its arse.
83
00:04:00,657 --> 00:04:02,491
You give me a week,
l'll have him sounding
84
00:04:02,617 --> 00:04:04,534
like a chicken
without a wasp up its arse.
85
00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:07,371
Good luck at the Foreign Office.
Try not to annoy Russia.
86
00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:09,373
- See you later.
- See you later.
87
00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:11,875
l'll give you a call later.
Keep your phone on.
88
00:04:12,001 --> 00:04:14,711
- Be careful. Cars.
- Oh, really? Thanks for that.
89
00:04:14,837 --> 00:04:16,880
Helpful. . .
90
00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:20,592
OK, OK, go ahead
and print "unforeseeable".
91
00:04:20,718 --> 00:04:22,386
Listen, assume l tell your wife
92
00:04:22,512 --> 00:04:25,138
about you and Angela Heaney
at the Blackpool conference,
93
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,766
what would be best,
an e-mail, a phone call or what?
94
00:04:27,892 --> 00:04:30,727
l could write it on a cake!
With those little silver balls.
95
00:04:30,853 --> 00:04:33,605
"Your hack husband
betrayed you on October 4th. . .
96
00:04:33,731 --> 00:04:35,774
and congratulations on the new baby."
97
00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:38,235
Yeah,
maybe it's better to spike it, yeah.
98
00:04:38,361 --> 00:04:40,279
OK, fuckity bye.
99
00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:42,614
WOMAN: (on phone)
Did you put away the lasagne?
100
00:04:42,740 --> 00:04:44,741
Yes, of course, it's in the fridge.
101
00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:47,119
lt's got Clingfilm on it and everything.
102
00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:49,121
Why did you put Clingfilm on it?
103
00:04:49,622 --> 00:04:52,291
Because that keeps it fresh.
That's the point of Clingfilm.
104
00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:54,126
No, l don't want to hold.
105
00:04:54,252 --> 00:04:55,294
lt might dry out.
106
00:04:55,420 --> 00:04:56,586
That's an amateur mistake.
107
00:04:56,713 --> 00:05:00,257
l'm not holding any longer. What's
he waiting for, a fucking sex change?
108
00:05:00,383 --> 00:05:01,591
lt's not carcinogenic.
109
00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:03,593
What, Simon Foster?
110
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:05,595
Clingfilm doesn't give you cancer.
111
00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:07,597
Diarrhoea Of A Nobody. l like that.
112
00:05:07,724 --> 00:05:09,641
- Aluminium foil. . .
- Apropos of that. . .
113
00:05:09,767 --> 00:05:12,728
. .gives you AlDS, or, you know,
lasagne gives you syphilis.
114
00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:15,439
- lt's not a thing.
- No, you relax!
115
00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:17,107
God, who's that?
116
00:05:17,233 --> 00:05:19,151
MALCOLM:
Get me fucking Brian!
117
00:05:19,277 --> 00:05:22,321
If you don't get me fucking Brian,
I'm gonna come over there.
118
00:05:22,447 --> 00:05:24,573
l'm gonna lock you in
a fucking flotation tank
119
00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:26,992
and pump it full of sewage
until you fucking drown.
120
00:05:27,118 --> 00:05:30,120
- Paris Hilton.
- Are you serious?
121
00:05:30,246 --> 00:05:31,747
- Lily Allen.
- No, no women.
122
00:05:31,873 --> 00:05:33,457
(phone rings)
123
00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:35,459
- Yeah?
- The Olsen twins.
124
00:05:35,585 --> 00:05:38,128
- Thank you.
- Who's that?
125
00:05:38,254 --> 00:05:41,631
- Malcolm. He's coming to see you.
- Oh, shit, he's still alive.
126
00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:43,967
- When's he due?
MALCOLM: Now!
127
00:05:44,093 --> 00:05:46,887
And don't say you weren't prepared,
because l rang ahead.
128
00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:49,348
Give us a minute,
could you, please, love?
129
00:05:49,474 --> 00:05:53,352
ln the words
of the late, great Nat King fucking Cole,
130
00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:55,896
unforeseeable, that's what you are.
131
00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:58,065
WOMAN:
Who's that geezer?
132
00:05:59,776 --> 00:06:01,651
Oh, l know who he is.
133
00:06:01,778 --> 00:06:04,112
You're Dan, right?
134
00:06:04,238 --> 00:06:06,573
- Daniel? The new adviser?
- Toby.
135
00:06:06,699 --> 00:06:08,700
Toby. Oh. Sorry about the "Dan" thing.
136
00:06:08,826 --> 00:06:11,787
You guys are often called "Dan"
so it's worth a punt.
137
00:06:11,913 --> 00:06:13,705
l'm Judy, by the way. Judy Molloy.
138
00:06:13,831 --> 00:06:16,625
Director of Communications
for lnternational Development.
139
00:06:16,751 --> 00:06:17,876
ls this a normal morning?
140
00:06:18,002 --> 00:06:20,045
The minister was rubbish
on last night's interview. . .
141
00:06:20,171 --> 00:06:22,422
- He was rubbish?
- Yes. Rubbish.
142
00:06:22,548 --> 00:06:26,176
Come on, Malcolm, he asked me for. . .
for a personal opinion.
143
00:06:26,302 --> 00:06:29,596
Why didn't you say? He asked you.
Fuck, of course, that explains it.
144
00:06:29,722 --> 00:06:33,016
lf he'd asked you to fucking black up,
or to give him your PlN number
145
00:06:33,142 --> 00:06:35,268
or to shit yourself,
would you have done that?
146
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:38,021
Blacked up, yes.
lt was radio, nobody would've known.
147
00:06:38,147 --> 00:06:39,356
Very good.
148
00:06:39,482 --> 00:06:41,942
War is basically unforeseeable, isn't it?
149
00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:45,237
That is not our line.
Walk the fucking line.
150
00:06:45,363 --> 00:06:48,490
We've got Karen Clark
over from Washington today.
151
00:06:48,616 --> 00:06:51,034
We've got enough
fucking Pentagon goons here
152
00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:52,661
to stage a fucking coup d'état.
153
00:06:52,787 --> 00:06:55,038
- Minister.
MALCOLM: Not the time, love.
154
00:06:55,164 --> 00:06:57,082
- l'm busy. Fuck off.
- This is Toby.
155
00:06:57,208 --> 00:07:00,544
Toby, hi. l'm glad you could make it.
lt's a bit of an odd morning here.
156
00:07:00,670 --> 00:07:03,255
Welcome to the madhouse.
l apologise for Malcolm.
157
00:07:03,381 --> 00:07:06,091
Don't apologise for me.
Apologise for yourself.
158
00:07:06,217 --> 00:07:09,052
Did l not just tell you to fuck off
and yet you're still here?
159
00:07:09,178 --> 00:07:11,054
lt's true, l am, yes, still here.
160
00:07:11,180 --> 00:07:12,722
Hi, foetus boy,
161
00:07:12,849 --> 00:07:15,475
lesson one, l tell you to fuck off,
what do you do?
162
00:07:15,601 --> 00:07:17,519
Eff off?
163
00:07:17,645 --> 00:07:19,563
You'll go far.
164
00:07:19,689 --> 00:07:21,648
- Now, fuck off.
- Right.
165
00:07:21,774 --> 00:07:26,736
Judy and l were thinking that l could
row back on Question Time tonight.
166
00:07:26,863 --> 00:07:29,281
You're not on Question Time.
You've been disinvited.
167
00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:33,118
- We've been prepping Question Time.
- Why wasn't l told about this?
168
00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:36,413
Why the fuck would l tell you about it?
l told you to fuck off twice.
169
00:07:36,539 --> 00:07:40,333
lt's a scheduled media appearance by
this department's secretary of state
170
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:42,419
so it falls well within my purview.
171
00:07:42,545 --> 00:07:44,087
- Within your purview?
- Yes.
172
00:07:44,213 --> 00:07:47,799
Where do you think you are, some
fucking Regency costume drama?
173
00:07:47,925 --> 00:07:51,553
This is a government department,
not a fucking Jane fucking Austen novel.
174
00:07:51,679 --> 00:07:54,598
SlMON: Malcolm. . .
- Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet
175
00:07:54,724 --> 00:07:57,934
on your purview and ram it up
the shitter with a lubricated horse cock.
176
00:07:58,060 --> 00:07:59,978
Your swearing does not impress me.
177
00:08:00,104 --> 00:08:02,898
My husband works for Tower Hamlets
and believe me,
178
00:08:03,024 --> 00:08:05,734
those kids make you sound like. . .
Angela Lansbury.
179
00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:07,569
She's married? Poor bastard.
180
00:08:07,695 --> 00:08:12,157
Malcolm, Judy's lubricated horse cock
aside for a second,
181
00:08:12,283 --> 00:08:16,036
are you saying l'm now no longer
allowed to make media appearances?
182
00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:18,997
Correct. Not until we can trust you
to keep the line.
183
00:08:19,123 --> 00:08:21,750
l was going to keep to the line.
l was going to say,
184
00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:24,294
l don't think war is unforeseeable. . .
185
00:08:24,420 --> 00:08:27,339
- What is it, then?
- l dunno. Foreseeable? No.
186
00:08:27,465 --> 00:08:30,342
No! Not foreseeable.
That's fucking declaring war.
187
00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:32,385
Do you want to fucking declare war?
188
00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:35,555
l'm a Cabinet minister.
l didn't get here by screwing up
189
00:08:35,681 --> 00:08:37,933
every media appearance l ever had.
190
00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:41,061
Write this down. lt's neither
foreseeable nor unforeseeable.
191
00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:44,064
Right, so not inevitable, but not. . .
192
00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:46,274
You'd better walk on this fucking line.
193
00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:47,859
. .evitable.
194
00:08:47,985 --> 00:08:51,780
You, hey, put the snifter out there
that if the BBC ambushes a minister
195
00:08:51,906 --> 00:08:55,158
with another surprise question about
the war, l'll drop a bomb on them.
196
00:08:55,284 --> 00:08:57,202
l can't do that, can l? That's political.
197
00:08:57,328 --> 00:09:00,539
Does that not fit within your purview,
Marie Antoinette?
198
00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:03,333
Why don't you just scuttle off back
to fucking Cranford
199
00:09:03,459 --> 00:09:06,836
and play around with your tea and your
cakes and your fucking horse cocks.
200
00:09:06,963 --> 00:09:10,715
Let them eat cock! Hey, you !
Ron Weasley, you do it.
201
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,970
No, no, you needn't worry about
the Canadians,
202
00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:17,013
they're just happy to be there.
203
00:09:17,139 --> 00:09:20,642
Yes, well, they always look surprised
when they're invited.
204
00:09:20,768 --> 00:09:23,562
Shall l just give Toby a call
about this Simon Foster thing?
205
00:09:23,688 --> 00:09:26,022
Yes, good idea.
No, l'm not talking to you.
206
00:09:26,148 --> 00:09:28,191
Get me the Angolan chargé d'affaires.
207
00:09:28,317 --> 00:09:31,027
Yes, well stop him playing football.
208
00:09:31,862 --> 00:09:33,238
Hello.
209
00:09:33,364 --> 00:09:35,407
So, how's it going? Found the bogs?
210
00:09:35,533 --> 00:09:37,450
lt's a bit. . .manic.
211
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:41,830
Never like this at Agriculture. People
tend not to get so sweary about wheat.
212
00:09:41,956 --> 00:09:44,708
Sorry, Michael, do you mind
just turning it down a bit?
213
00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:48,378
(classical music)
- Just a little bit. . .grating. Bloody music.
214
00:09:48,504 --> 00:09:51,214
Listen,
l've got a bit of leg-up for you, actually.
215
00:09:51,340 --> 00:09:55,885
Yeah. l think we can get Simon Foster
into the three o'clock with Karen Clark.
216
00:09:56,012 --> 00:09:57,721
TOBY:
Karen Clark?
217
00:09:57,847 --> 00:10:01,224
Was she the woman who went round
Britain in a coracle for leukaemia?
218
00:10:01,350 --> 00:10:04,436
No, Toby. Karen Clark,
US Assistant Secretary of State.
219
00:10:04,562 --> 00:10:07,439
Oh, right, Karen Clark. Wow, great.
220
00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:10,233
- Michael wants to say something.
- Meat.
221
00:10:10,359 --> 00:10:11,901
Meat?
222
00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:16,239
His man is only going to be meat in
the room. No talking. He's just padding.
223
00:10:16,365 --> 00:10:19,284
The Americans don't feel like
they're getting a proper meeting
224
00:10:19,410 --> 00:10:21,953
unless there's 30 people on each side,
225
00:10:22,079 --> 00:10:24,289
so he's basically like bulk in the room.
226
00:10:24,415 --> 00:10:27,083
He's not exactly going to be relevant,
but he'll be present.
227
00:10:27,209 --> 00:10:28,918
l won't tell him that, to be honest.
228
00:10:29,045 --> 00:10:32,380
- OK, l've got to go, darling. l love you.
- OK, yes, likewise.
229
00:10:32,506 --> 00:10:34,174
Affirmative on that one.
230
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:36,593
All right, darling, take care, bye.
231
00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:39,095
Can l turn it back up now?
232
00:10:39,221 --> 00:10:42,140
You're on sexual health, aren't you?
That's ironic.
233
00:10:42,266 --> 00:10:44,184
Right, Toby, quick tour.
234
00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:46,936
- l should probably just go and. . .
- This is Mike.
235
00:10:47,063 --> 00:10:49,856
Just leave it to Mike,
cos he knows what he's doing.
236
00:10:49,982 --> 00:10:51,900
- Don't you, Mike?
- What?
237
00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:54,486
Exactly. He's an idiot.
238
00:10:54,612 --> 00:10:58,323
Listen, l understand your hostility
at new wood being brought in.
239
00:10:58,449 --> 00:11:00,659
Sorry, that's the end of the tour,
l'm afraid.
240
00:11:00,785 --> 00:11:04,913
There is really a lot of very important
people that you ought to know about,
241
00:11:05,039 --> 00:11:06,956
but l have to. . .
242
00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:13,797
- Toby, hi.
- All right, boss.
243
00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:16,341
l'm sorry about earlier. Malcolm.
244
00:11:16,467 --> 00:11:18,968
- He's a bit of an alpha male, isn't he?
- Yes.
245
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:20,970
Listen,
246
00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:22,972
l was just um. . .
247
00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:24,974
- Don't sit on Anna's desk.
- Sorry.
248
00:11:25,101 --> 00:11:31,022
l have managed to get you into the big
Foreign Office meeting this afternoon.
249
00:11:31,148 --> 00:11:33,775
The Karen Clark meeting?
Really? Shit.
250
00:11:33,901 --> 00:11:35,443
How did you do that?
251
00:11:35,569 --> 00:11:38,154
l did it through sheer bloody hard work.
252
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:39,989
- Judy?
- Yeah?
253
00:11:40,116 --> 00:11:44,494
Tobes here has got me into the big
Karen Clark meeting this afternoon.
254
00:11:44,620 --> 00:11:45,954
JUDY:
Oh !
255
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:47,997
The big "meat".
256
00:11:48,124 --> 00:11:51,000
lmpressive, eh?
How are you spelling that, by the way?
257
00:11:51,127 --> 00:11:53,002
Two "E"s.
258
00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:54,337
Oh, right.
259
00:11:54,463 --> 00:11:56,339
TOBY:
Just one thing.
260
00:11:56,465 --> 00:12:00,802
Talkingwise, you might find once
we get in there, that the bulk of it. . .
261
00:12:00,928 --> 00:12:03,012
- Can we just wait for Judy?
- Of course.
262
00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:05,181
Simon.
263
00:12:05,307 --> 00:12:06,391
Michael, hi.
264
00:12:06,517 --> 00:12:08,393
Hello. Welcome.
265
00:12:08,519 --> 00:12:10,228
- Michael?
- Yes.
266
00:12:10,354 --> 00:12:13,940
l'm Chad. We'd like a dual horseshoe
formation for the meeting set-up.
267
00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:17,527
An enclave for Ms Clark. An enclave
for the Pentagon delegation.
268
00:12:17,653 --> 00:12:19,779
And, politely, we request the presence
269
00:12:19,905 --> 00:12:22,407
of both carbonated
and non-carbonated waters.
270
00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:24,284
Right.
271
00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:26,745
- ls that all?
- Yeah, that's it. Thank you so much.
272
00:12:26,871 --> 00:12:29,914
Not at all. Wow, who was that?
Young Lankenstein?
273
00:12:30,958 --> 00:12:33,835
He's probably running
something relatively major.
274
00:12:33,961 --> 00:12:35,879
They're all kids in Washington.
275
00:12:36,005 --> 00:12:38,965
lt's like Bugsy Malone,
but with real guns.
276
00:12:41,218 --> 00:12:43,052
(spoon tapping glass)
277
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,013
Thank you all for coming today
278
00:12:45,139 --> 00:12:47,766
to the lnterim Anglo-American
Resources Forum.
279
00:12:47,892 --> 00:12:49,726
l'd particularly like to welcome. . .
280
00:12:49,852 --> 00:12:51,853
What's your view like?
281
00:12:51,979 --> 00:12:54,522
- Well, it's pretty basic.
- OK, can we swap?
282
00:12:54,648 --> 00:12:57,650
l don't want a consensus
forming around the premise
283
00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:02,572
that military action is necessarily
the primary option at this point.
284
00:13:02,698 --> 00:13:06,910
This paper which was authored
by one of my aides, Liza Weld. . .
285
00:13:07,036 --> 00:13:10,079
Liza, l hope you don't mind
if l foreground this paper.
286
00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:12,624
lt's not strictly my paper.
287
00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:16,002
ln the sense that you were the one
who put in the requests. . .
288
00:13:16,128 --> 00:13:19,589
Miss Weld is very, very modest,
but this is her paper.
289
00:13:19,715 --> 00:13:22,634
And she's highlighted several reasons
290
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:26,930
why we cannot envision a theatre
deployment for at least 1 2 months.
291
00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:30,600
Should l say something? She invited
me. l should say something.
292
00:13:30,726 --> 00:13:32,936
lf you don't say something
in the first ten minutes,
293
00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:35,104
then you might as well
not say anything at all.
294
00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:37,273
l really think
you shouldn't say anything.
295
00:13:37,399 --> 00:13:40,819
- No, l should say something.
- No, Simon, don't, just don't. . .
296
00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:42,654
Don't pull my hand down.
297
00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:45,657
The committee feels
a quicker deployment is possible.
298
00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:47,033
Ah, which committee?
299
00:13:47,159 --> 00:13:49,494
lt was discussed
in a number of committees.
300
00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:51,955
- lf l mentioned one committee. . .
- You did.
301
00:13:52,081 --> 00:13:53,957
. .then it was a slip of the tongue.
302
00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:57,794
What, because you've accidentally
alluded to a secret committee,
303
00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,462
a war committee?
304
00:13:59,588 --> 00:14:03,299
lf l may intercept. l understand
we are rather pressed for time.
305
00:14:03,425 --> 00:14:06,386
Liza, do you know if Linton
has set up a secret war committee?
306
00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:08,721
- No. l have no idea.
- Get me on it.
307
00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:12,141
l think it's worth noting
that ministers in the UK government,
308
00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:15,520
such as our colleague here,
Simon Foster,
309
00:14:15,646 --> 00:14:20,483
have made it very clear that they feel
currently war is unforeseeable.
310
00:14:20,609 --> 00:14:23,361
lsn't that right, Simon?
311
00:14:24,446 --> 00:14:26,322
Er. . .well, yes.
312
00:14:26,448 --> 00:14:28,825
That's. . . That's what l said.
313
00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:31,452
And l stick to what l said.
314
00:14:33,914 --> 00:14:39,168
That doesn't mean that what l said
won't change. . . in the future.
315
00:14:39,295 --> 00:14:41,170
Um. . . it's not immutable
316
00:14:41,297 --> 00:14:43,214
or mutable.
317
00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:45,300
lt's. . . lt's. . . lt's. . .
318
00:14:45,426 --> 00:14:47,343
lt's a developing. . .
319
00:14:47,469 --> 00:14:49,888
MlCHAEL: l think there are
areas of mutual discussion
320
00:14:50,014 --> 00:14:54,100
that we could come onto now, and then
maybe if there's time left at the end. . .
321
00:14:54,226 --> 00:14:57,353
Judy, can you just pass that on?
ls that fine?
322
00:14:57,479 --> 00:15:00,398
Yes, that's all fine, thank you.
323
00:15:02,484 --> 00:15:07,113
Right, come here. We need to talk.
What do you mean, "Stop being a tit?"
324
00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:09,157
ln what way was l being a tit?
325
00:15:09,283 --> 00:15:11,117
Why am l even over here?
326
00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:13,536
You were just meat in the room, Simon.
327
00:15:13,662 --> 00:15:15,580
- Yeah. . .
- Meat in the room?
328
00:15:15,706 --> 00:15:17,582
Yeah.
329
00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:21,127
For fuck's sake, Judy, l've taken
an hour out to come over here
330
00:15:21,253 --> 00:15:22,921
and be room meat.
331
00:15:23,047 --> 00:15:24,964
Yes, but. . . but a prime cut,
332
00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:26,591
you know, not offal.
333
00:15:26,717 --> 00:15:28,676
Oh, great. l'm not liver.
334
00:15:28,802 --> 00:15:30,720
What was l , tit meat?
335
00:15:30,846 --> 00:15:32,764
Well, no, l just. . .
336
00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:36,225
SlMON:
Come on. Let's get back.
337
00:15:36,352 --> 00:15:38,227
- Hey, Liza.
- Hey.
338
00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:41,773
l just want to say congratulations.
Your paper got a major citation.
339
00:15:41,899 --> 00:15:44,484
You must be psyched
that Karen brought it up.
340
00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:47,612
Yeah, well, that was,
you know, her call. Not mine.
341
00:15:47,738 --> 00:15:48,905
You couldn't write a paper
342
00:15:49,031 --> 00:15:52,241
that clashes more violently with
the current climate if you were trying.
343
00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:54,077
lt seems like you almost were trying.
344
00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:57,413
- l wasn't trying ! Believe me.
- You're like the woman in The Omen.
345
00:15:57,539 --> 00:16:00,083
You've given birth to a demon
and now it's gonna kill you.
346
00:16:00,209 --> 00:16:02,961
You probably identify
with the kid from The Omen.
347
00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:05,505
See, you're an only child, aren't you?
348
00:16:05,631 --> 00:16:07,507
l don't understand how my parents'
349
00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:10,593
limited reproductive ability
reflects badly on me.
350
00:16:10,719 --> 00:16:12,762
l'm the sperm that made it, so. . .
351
00:16:12,888 --> 00:16:14,931
- Liza.
- l'm being called by our boss.
352
00:16:15,057 --> 00:16:17,976
- OK, retreat. See you later.
- Yeah, have fun with yourself.
353
00:16:18,102 --> 00:16:20,228
Have fun with your career kryptonite.
354
00:16:21,230 --> 00:16:24,065
What's going on down there?
That looks important.
355
00:16:24,191 --> 00:16:26,401
My teeth are killing me.
Are they chipped?
356
00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:28,945
l think that one
has always been there, right?
357
00:16:29,071 --> 00:16:31,614
lt was a chip on the veneer.
358
00:16:31,740 --> 00:16:35,076
- Don't look at my teeth for a long time.
- l'm sorry. l'm sorry.
359
00:16:35,202 --> 00:16:37,245
- lt just surprised me.
TOBY: Liza!
360
00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:38,454
Toby.
361
00:16:38,580 --> 00:16:40,790
Toby! Hi.
362
00:16:40,916 --> 00:16:42,834
- Hi.
- Give me a call !
363
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,461
- Yeah.
- OK.
364
00:16:45,587 --> 00:16:49,298
Liza Weld. She did the
Kennedy Scholarship at my college.
365
00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:52,343
- l had a little thing for her at the time.
- l can imagine, yeah.
366
00:16:52,469 --> 00:16:54,554
Don't think she remembered me,
to be honest.
367
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:57,015
That is one
of the side-effects of Rohypnol.
368
00:16:58,017 --> 00:17:01,477
Linton has set up
a secret war committee. l just know it.
369
00:17:01,603 --> 00:17:04,772
l mean, Linton is an absolute lunatic,
Liza.
370
00:17:04,898 --> 00:17:06,315
- He is dangerous.
- lt's not good.
371
00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:08,860
The voices in his head
now sing barbershop together.
372
00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:13,865
l really, really hope there isn't a war,
it's going to be a nightmare.
373
00:17:13,991 --> 00:17:16,659
lt's bad enough having to cope
with the fucking Olympics.
374
00:17:16,785 --> 00:17:19,078
- Minister?
- Just a quick word, sir?
375
00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:22,040
This is your chance to nail the line.
Do you want to nail the line?
376
00:17:22,166 --> 00:17:24,584
No, l'll freestyle it.
Hello, there. Hi.
377
00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:26,711
So is war unforeseeable, Minister?
378
00:17:26,837 --> 00:17:31,299
Look, all sorts of things,
that are actually very likely
379
00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:33,509
are also unforeseeable.
380
00:17:33,635 --> 00:17:39,265
For the plane in the fog,
the mountain is un. . . unforeseeable,
381
00:17:39,391 --> 00:17:43,603
but then it is suddenly
very real and inevitable.
382
00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:47,065
ls this your opinion or is this
the government position?
383
00:17:47,191 --> 00:17:48,733
The mountain in the metaphor is
384
00:17:48,859 --> 00:17:52,153
a completely hypothetical mountain
that could represent anything.
385
00:17:52,279 --> 00:17:54,530
So, who is the plane,
and who is the mountain?
386
00:17:54,656 --> 00:17:57,241
- ls the government lost in the fog?
- What l'm saying is. . .
387
00:17:57,367 --> 00:17:59,368
that to walk the road of peace. . .
388
00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:05,291
sometimes we need to be ready
to climb. . .the mountain of conflict.
389
00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:07,126
Thank you so much.
390
00:18:07,252 --> 00:18:10,713
Thank you. That's it,
ladies and gentlemen, thank you.
391
00:18:10,839 --> 00:18:14,592
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
why didn't we nail the line?
392
00:18:14,718 --> 00:18:16,636
Simon, l did try to warn you.
393
00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:19,764
Yes, you tried to warn me, but
you didn't actually stop me, did you?
394
00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:21,682
l can't tackle you to the ground.
395
00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:25,269
That's like shouting "Train !"
at somebody as they get hit by a train.
396
00:18:25,395 --> 00:18:27,772
You should go "Train !
There's a fucking train !"
397
00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:29,649
(mobile rings)
- Bollocks!
398
00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:32,401
- Fuck, it's Malcolm.
- lt's Malcolm for me, too.
399
00:18:32,528 --> 00:18:34,445
How does he do that?
400
00:18:34,571 --> 00:18:38,658
Simon, l don't like finding out about
people employed by this government
401
00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:40,993
via the news, unless they've just died.
402
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,328
Be here, now.
403
00:18:42,454 --> 00:18:44,330
The British Government
must be prepared
404
00:18:44,456 --> 00:18:45,915
to climb the mountain of conflict.
405
00:18:46,041 --> 00:18:48,459
It's unclear if his view
is shared by the Prime Minister.
406
00:18:48,585 --> 00:18:50,336
TOBY:
Maybe we should get it out there.
407
00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:53,673
Float the idea that the war
is a resigning issue for you.
408
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:56,968
You can't say it's a resigning issue,
because then you have to resign.
409
00:18:57,094 --> 00:19:00,138
You're having a really great first day,
you know that?
410
00:19:00,264 --> 00:19:02,974
You are supposed to be
a Cabinet minister!
411
00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:05,935
You are supposed to be Officer Class!
412
00:19:06,061 --> 00:19:08,980
Don't do this,
don't make fucking waves.
413
00:19:09,106 --> 00:19:11,399
SlMON: We can do without
the ritual humiliation.
414
00:19:11,525 --> 00:19:13,359
You know l'm against
talking up the war.
415
00:19:13,485 --> 00:19:14,986
You're against talking up the war?
416
00:19:15,112 --> 00:19:17,738
ls that why you said
"climb the mountain of conflict"?
417
00:19:17,865 --> 00:19:19,365
Do you know what you sounded like?
418
00:19:19,491 --> 00:19:21,784
A fucking Nazi Julie Andrews.
419
00:19:21,910 --> 00:19:27,331
l'm just saying l might be forced
to the verge of making a stand.
420
00:19:27,457 --> 00:19:29,500
A stand?
421
00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:34,213
Right, The White Stripes, outside.
422
00:19:34,339 --> 00:19:36,174
Uh-uh.
423
00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:39,802
There's only two people
in The White Stripes.
424
00:19:45,601 --> 00:19:47,602
l um. . .
425
00:19:49,396 --> 00:19:51,189
l admire you.
426
00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:54,192
l really do, l admire you.
427
00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:56,277
Making a stand.
428
00:19:56,403 --> 00:20:01,240
So, l take it, l can tell the PM that you. . .
you don't want to go to Washington?
429
00:20:01,366 --> 00:20:03,576
- To where?
- To Washington.
430
00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:06,287
See, the PM, he wants you. . .
Well, he wanted you
431
00:20:06,413 --> 00:20:08,372
to go on a fact-finder, you know.
432
00:20:08,498 --> 00:20:12,376
Problems we might have to face if it
all goes boombastic in the Middle East.
433
00:20:12,502 --> 00:20:14,212
Oh, right.
434
00:20:14,338 --> 00:20:17,465
But, you know, that's you,
you're on the verge, aren't you?
435
00:20:17,591 --> 00:20:20,051
You're on the verge of your stand, so. . .
436
00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:21,886
Well, Malcolm, come on,
437
00:20:22,012 --> 00:20:25,056
l don't know what words l used
in the heat of the moment.
438
00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:28,559
Maybe in a sense, yeah, l am on the
verge, but that's the important thing.
439
00:20:28,685 --> 00:20:32,271
l'm on the verge.
l'm not in any way decided.
440
00:20:32,397 --> 00:20:35,066
Christ on a bendy-bus.
Don't be such a fucking faff arse.
441
00:20:35,192 --> 00:20:38,069
No, l'm standing my ground,
on the verge.
442
00:20:38,195 --> 00:20:40,446
Right, OK,
well, when you go to America,
443
00:20:40,572 --> 00:20:42,907
talk to Karen Clark
at the State Department, yeah?
444
00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:46,077
- Right, OK. l'll give it a whirl.
- Keep away from Linton Barwick.
445
00:20:46,203 --> 00:20:48,120
He's pushing the war
for Caulderwood's lot.
446
00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:51,916
l'll deal with him. He uses a live hand
grenade as a fucking paper weight.
447
00:20:52,042 --> 00:20:53,751
That's a true story.
448
00:20:53,877 --> 00:20:56,087
Wow, l won't talk to him.
449
00:20:56,213 --> 00:20:59,632
Talk to as few people as possible,
that would be best for you.
450
00:21:00,467 --> 00:21:04,762
OK, Liza, the priorities are shower,
get me on Linton's war committee
451
00:21:04,888 --> 00:21:08,266
and get me to a dentist,
not necessarily in that order.
452
00:21:08,392 --> 00:21:10,142
Shower later.
453
00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:12,561
What has Linton been up to
while we've been gone?
454
00:21:12,688 --> 00:21:14,772
Have we declared war
on California yet?
455
00:21:14,898 --> 00:21:16,524
Ah, Karen.
456
00:21:16,650 --> 00:21:19,527
- How was London? Good meetings?
- Very good meetings.
457
00:21:19,653 --> 00:21:22,947
You know we had some
great discussions there, l think our. . .
458
00:21:23,073 --> 00:21:26,325
Thank you very much, and l will read
your words when they come through.
459
00:21:26,451 --> 00:21:28,369
Thank you so much, Karen, hm. Bob.
460
00:21:28,495 --> 00:21:30,538
You won't read the words, Linton.
461
00:21:31,915 --> 00:21:33,582
ls Chad coming? Chad?
462
00:21:33,709 --> 00:21:36,919
No, he's probably doing
his desperate chorus girl thing,
463
00:21:37,045 --> 00:21:41,465
hanging around Linton's office,
trying to catch an eye, you know.
464
00:21:41,591 --> 00:21:44,802
That's why he's wearing his
push-up bra today. Have you noticed?
465
00:21:44,928 --> 00:21:47,763
- Assistant Secretary of State, hi.
- Brad, how are you?
466
00:21:47,889 --> 00:21:49,598
- Chad.
- Yep, yep, yep, exactly.
467
00:21:49,725 --> 00:21:52,643
- Can l . . .?
- Yep, you betcha, OK.
468
00:21:53,562 --> 00:21:55,479
Hey, listen, the war committee.
469
00:21:55,605 --> 00:21:57,523
What you have to do
is you've got to look for
470
00:21:57,649 --> 00:22:00,985
the ten dullest-named committees
happening out of the executive branch.
471
00:22:01,111 --> 00:22:04,780
Because Linton is not going to call it
the "Big Horrible War Committee".
472
00:22:04,906 --> 00:22:08,117
He's gonna hide it
behind a name like "Diverse Strategy".
473
00:22:08,243 --> 00:22:11,162
Something so dull
you're just gonna want to self-harm.
474
00:22:11,288 --> 00:22:14,332
Get me General Miller
at the Pentagon, please.
475
00:22:14,458 --> 00:22:16,500
My teeth hurt.
476
00:22:16,626 --> 00:22:18,794
My teeth hurt like hell.
477
00:22:19,379 --> 00:22:22,048
l'm sick of hearing about
the teeth, frankly.
478
00:22:23,300 --> 00:22:26,135
Hi, yeah.
l'm checking the status on a paper
479
00:22:26,261 --> 00:22:28,012
that was circulated by a staffer here.
480
00:22:28,138 --> 00:22:29,680
lt's called. . .
481
00:22:29,806 --> 00:22:34,185
"Post War Planning. Parameters,
lmplications and Possibilities".
482
00:22:34,311 --> 00:22:38,689
This is the one by. . .
this is the one by Liza Weld, right?
483
00:22:38,815 --> 00:22:40,900
"PWlP PlP"?
484
00:22:41,026 --> 00:22:43,027
Oh, God, it already has an acronym.
485
00:22:43,153 --> 00:22:45,738
You know another acronym? DOA. . .
486
00:22:45,864 --> 00:22:48,199
Your career.
487
00:22:48,325 --> 00:22:54,372
My golly, l can't see why anyone would
choose to work in a glass office, huh?
488
00:22:54,498 --> 00:22:58,417
Glass offices,
in my opinion, are for perverts.
489
00:22:58,543 --> 00:23:00,419
l could request the glass be frosted.
490
00:23:00,545 --> 00:23:02,380
Frosting is on cakes, huh?
491
00:23:02,506 --> 00:23:05,466
Now, what else happened in London?
492
00:23:05,592 --> 00:23:08,052
Ah, generally positive, two glitches. . .
493
00:23:08,178 --> 00:23:09,720
Really, what?
494
00:23:09,846 --> 00:23:12,390
Karen flagged a report
by one of her staffers.
495
00:23:12,516 --> 00:23:17,436
She's obviously trying to use it as some
kind of roadblock. lt's called PWlP PlP.
496
00:23:17,562 --> 00:23:19,897
- PWlP what?
- PWlP PlP.
497
00:23:20,023 --> 00:23:23,025
What is it, a report on bird calls?
What does it even stand for?
498
00:23:23,151 --> 00:23:26,654
l can't recall. lt's factish.
lntel for and against intervention.
499
00:23:26,780 --> 00:23:30,741
We have all the facts on this we need.
We don't need any more facts.
500
00:23:30,867 --> 00:23:32,993
ln the land of truth, my friend. . .
501
00:23:34,037 --> 00:23:36,205
. .the man with one fact is the king.
502
00:23:36,331 --> 00:23:39,208
You said there was something else,
what is that?
503
00:23:39,334 --> 00:23:41,502
ln the meeting with the Foreign Office,
504
00:23:41,628 --> 00:23:44,880
the committee was accidentally
and briefly alluded to.
505
00:23:45,006 --> 00:23:46,632
Which committee?
506
00:23:46,758 --> 00:23:48,926
The. . . The war committee, sir.
507
00:23:49,052 --> 00:23:52,096
All right,
Karen is not to know about this, huh?
508
00:23:52,222 --> 00:23:55,808
She is an excitable, yapping she-dog.
509
00:23:55,934 --> 00:23:58,519
Get a hold of those minutes.
l have to correct the record.
510
00:23:58,645 --> 00:24:00,771
- We can do that?
- Yes, we can.
511
00:24:00,897 --> 00:24:03,107
Those minutes are an aide-mémoire
for us.
512
00:24:03,233 --> 00:24:07,987
They should not be a reductive record
of what happened to have been said,
513
00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:12,074
but they should be more a full record of
what was intended to have been said.
514
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:15,119
l think that's the more accurate version,
don't you?
515
00:24:15,245 --> 00:24:16,829
- Sir.
- Right.
516
00:24:16,955 --> 00:24:19,498
l don't like this section, let's cut that.
517
00:24:19,624 --> 00:24:21,500
Aye aye, sir.
518
00:24:21,626 --> 00:24:23,002
Let's reverse this.
519
00:24:23,128 --> 00:24:25,045
That was something Karen said, sir.
520
00:24:25,172 --> 00:24:27,339
Well, it's not right, so let's change it.
521
00:24:27,466 --> 00:24:30,259
- Aye, aye, sir.
- And. . . And l like. . . l like this.
522
00:24:30,385 --> 00:24:32,052
Ah, thank you, sir.
523
00:24:32,179 --> 00:24:34,680
Yeah, let's say
everyone agreed with that, huh?
524
00:24:34,806 --> 00:24:39,143
So. . . So the car
will pick you up from the airport.
525
00:24:39,269 --> 00:24:41,520
lt's supposed to be
quite a good one, l believe.
526
00:24:41,646 --> 00:24:44,523
The Americans are doing that.
l've just got the contact numbers.
527
00:24:44,649 --> 00:24:46,692
What's she so fucking happy about?
528
00:24:46,818 --> 00:24:48,777
She's probably just on a personal call.
529
00:24:48,904 --> 00:24:50,779
(Judy laughs)
530
00:24:50,906 --> 00:24:53,157
Why has she got control of the blinds?
531
00:24:53,283 --> 00:24:54,325
l think it's. . .
532
00:24:54,451 --> 00:24:59,163
l'm a government minister and
l don't have control of my own blinds.
533
00:24:59,289 --> 00:25:03,501
l could order you some blinds. l could
order you some nice, heavy curtains,
534
00:25:03,627 --> 00:25:05,836
with swags and a pelmet maybe.
535
00:25:05,962 --> 00:25:08,547
Yes, do that.
536
00:25:08,673 --> 00:25:10,508
OK.
537
00:25:11,510 --> 00:25:13,511
Will you come with me?
538
00:25:20,852 --> 00:25:25,064
So, listen. . .my team for the US,
Team Simon. . .
539
00:25:25,190 --> 00:25:28,859
l'm thinking of taking you
and leaving Judy.
540
00:25:29,903 --> 00:25:31,529
l could work with that, definitely.
541
00:25:31,655 --> 00:25:33,322
Plus, she can be a bit, you know. . .
542
00:25:33,448 --> 00:25:35,991
"Everything's a bit shit, isn't it?"
Like that.
543
00:25:36,117 --> 00:25:37,910
Yeah, it's true. No, she can be,
544
00:25:38,036 --> 00:25:42,206
"Oh, so you're the President and
l'm supposed to be impressed by that?"
545
00:25:42,332 --> 00:25:45,334
"My husband works in Tower Hamlets.
Meh, meh, meh."
546
00:25:45,460 --> 00:25:47,795
"Which is much harder
than being President."
547
00:25:47,921 --> 00:25:51,632
Yeah, OK. Well, that's settled. Fuck it,
she's staying here. Go and tell her.
548
00:25:51,758 --> 00:25:53,342
What?
549
00:25:53,468 --> 00:25:56,720
KAREN:: Well, that moves us on
to any other business.
550
00:25:56,846 --> 00:26:00,391
l think l've flagged everything
that l need to discuss, as l usually do.
551
00:26:00,517 --> 00:26:02,434
Everything you're preparedto discuss.
552
00:26:02,561 --> 00:26:04,019
What is that? What are you doing?
553
00:26:04,145 --> 00:26:07,856
l understand you've started a new
committee, Linton. What is that called?
554
00:26:07,983 --> 00:26:09,400
What makes you think that?
555
00:26:09,526 --> 00:26:11,735
lt was mentioned
at our meeting in London.
556
00:26:11,861 --> 00:26:13,195
Well, you must have misheard me.
557
00:26:13,321 --> 00:26:15,656
No. l misheard the word "committee"?
558
00:26:15,782 --> 00:26:17,741
Maybe it was another word.
559
00:26:17,867 --> 00:26:19,743
Like, say, Khomeini.
560
00:26:19,869 --> 00:26:23,247
- You're sitting on a new Khomeini?
- Possibly. There are a lot of words.
561
00:26:23,373 --> 00:26:25,416
Kansas City. Kitty.
562
00:26:25,542 --> 00:26:27,209
- ltty.
- "ltty?"
563
00:26:27,335 --> 00:26:28,627
"ltty" is not a word, Bob.
564
00:26:28,753 --> 00:26:31,380
- Commissary.
- Thank you, James. . .
565
00:26:31,506 --> 00:26:33,799
Why don't you just recap for me,
at the moment,
566
00:26:33,925 --> 00:26:36,260
all the committees
that you're currently sitting on?
567
00:26:36,386 --> 00:26:40,431
l'm sorry, Karen, but you. . . you appear
to be bleeding from the teeth.
568
00:26:41,433 --> 00:26:43,267
Let me see that. Holy Mother of. . .
569
00:26:43,393 --> 00:26:45,894
Well, don't try to change the subject.
570
00:26:46,021 --> 00:26:48,814
l'm sorry, everyone. l'm sorry.
Just ignore the blood.
571
00:26:48,940 --> 00:26:52,192
- We haven't finished the meeting.
- l can't ignore. . . l'm sorry.
572
00:26:52,319 --> 00:26:54,695
l don't mean to be rude,
but this is a tad repulsive.
573
00:26:54,821 --> 00:26:58,282
l'm sorry. Excuse me.
Liza, come with me, l need you.
574
00:26:58,408 --> 00:26:59,450
Chad, stay here.
575
00:26:59,576 --> 00:27:02,286
Go, Buffy, you belong
to the vampire queen now.
576
00:27:02,412 --> 00:27:04,288
- Liza.
- l'm coming.
577
00:27:04,414 --> 00:27:07,291
Oh, my God. Shit! He's in there alone.
578
00:27:07,417 --> 00:27:09,835
l cannot stand to see
a woman bleed from the mouth.
579
00:27:09,961 --> 00:27:14,214
lt reminds me of country and western
music, which l cannot abide. Huh?
580
00:27:14,341 --> 00:27:17,217
That stuff is just choking the airwaves.
581
00:27:17,344 --> 00:27:19,678
- Look, sorry, we just need. . .
- Oh, my God !
582
00:27:19,804 --> 00:27:23,015
- lt's really bad. lt's really bad.
- l can't touch anything. . .
583
00:27:23,141 --> 00:27:25,809
- Nobody was joking.
- lt's. . . l need to catch it.
584
00:27:25,935 --> 00:27:27,895
How far are you with the committees?
585
00:27:28,021 --> 00:27:29,730
l've got it down to two, actually.
586
00:27:29,856 --> 00:27:32,650
One is the "Aims and
Policy Alignment Committee".
587
00:27:32,776 --> 00:27:34,943
The other is the
"Future Planning Committee".
588
00:27:35,070 --> 00:27:37,488
lt's not the first one,
because l set that up.
589
00:27:37,614 --> 00:27:40,949
Does it really sound dull to you?
l thought it was a good name.
590
00:27:41,076 --> 00:27:44,119
Right, no. . . it is a good name.
591
00:27:44,245 --> 00:27:47,748
Well, find out if it really is the. . .
"Future Planning Committee".
592
00:27:47,874 --> 00:27:50,000
Find out if it really is that.
593
00:27:50,126 --> 00:27:53,837
Um. . .OK, well, l might go and do that.
594
00:27:53,963 --> 00:27:56,757
You're not going to shout at me
if l go and do that, are you?
595
00:27:56,883 --> 00:27:58,842
l'm not a monster, Liza. OK?
596
00:27:58,968 --> 00:28:02,179
Will you stop implying
that l'm some kind of monster?
597
00:28:04,516 --> 00:28:06,350
Bob!
598
00:28:06,476 --> 00:28:08,352
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
599
00:28:08,478 --> 00:28:12,356
l wanted to tell you
we're having this stupid
600
00:28:12,482 --> 00:28:15,901
"hunk of the month of the office"
kind of contest.
601
00:28:16,027 --> 00:28:19,947
And l just didn't want, you know,
you to feel objectified in any way,
602
00:28:20,073 --> 00:28:22,324
- or anything like that.
- No, not at all.
603
00:28:22,450 --> 00:28:25,244
And Karen knows about
the Future Planning Committee.
604
00:28:27,414 --> 00:28:29,540
l have no idea
what you're talking about.
605
00:28:29,666 --> 00:28:31,750
- No?
- No.
606
00:28:31,876 --> 00:28:33,711
Excuse me.
607
00:28:36,756 --> 00:28:39,717
Future Planning Committee,
that's what it is.
608
00:28:45,765 --> 00:28:47,725
TOBY:
Wow!
609
00:28:47,851 --> 00:28:49,768
This is fucking cool.
610
00:28:49,894 --> 00:28:52,813
Don't be callow, Toby,
we're on official business.
611
00:28:52,939 --> 00:28:55,482
- This way, gentlemen.
- Oh, thanks.
612
00:28:58,111 --> 00:29:00,571
That was a little bit fucking cool.
613
00:29:00,697 --> 00:29:02,072
Yep.
614
00:29:02,198 --> 00:29:04,783
- Did you book a car?
- Me? No.
615
00:29:04,909 --> 00:29:07,619
Well, Judy will have booked a car.
616
00:29:07,746 --> 00:29:08,996
Judy?
617
00:29:09,122 --> 00:29:11,415
- Hi.
- For fuck's sake!
618
00:29:11,541 --> 00:29:13,417
l was wondering
what the car situation is?
619
00:29:13,543 --> 00:29:16,545
lt's Robbie's job to book it
and your job to check it.
620
00:29:16,671 --> 00:29:20,257
There's obviously. . .
some snarl-up at her end, l think.
621
00:29:20,383 --> 00:29:22,426
- "Simon Forester."
- Oh.
622
00:29:23,803 --> 00:29:25,345
Thank you very much.
623
00:29:25,472 --> 00:29:28,390
"England Government,
Simon Forester."
624
00:29:28,516 --> 00:29:30,809
My name's Simon Foster,
it's British Government.
625
00:29:30,935 --> 00:29:32,978
(siren)
626
00:29:34,814 --> 00:29:37,608
Hey, Gav, l'm in a fucking motorcade.
627
00:29:37,734 --> 00:29:39,151
Yeah.
628
00:29:39,986 --> 00:29:42,780
l feel like we should have hookers,
do you know what l mean?
629
00:29:42,906 --> 00:29:44,948
l mean in here. . . now.
630
00:29:52,624 --> 00:29:56,835
- Do you want girls?
- No, no, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not.
631
00:29:56,961 --> 00:29:59,838
No, sorry.
No hookers, it was just a joke.
632
00:30:01,174 --> 00:30:05,177
l hate hookers. Not in
an aggressive way, but, no, thank you.
633
00:30:06,805 --> 00:30:08,639
Strange hotel.
634
00:30:08,765 --> 00:30:12,226
TOBY: lt's like a hangar
for businessmen, isn't it?
635
00:30:13,228 --> 00:30:15,103
- That's better, isn't it?
- lt's big, yeah.
636
00:30:15,230 --> 00:30:17,272
Just bring them here, that's fine.
637
00:30:20,401 --> 00:30:23,070
Tobes, have you got any m. . .
638
00:30:24,155 --> 00:30:27,616
Well, l haven't been to an ATM,
so l've not. . . l've only got English.
639
00:30:27,742 --> 00:30:29,910
l mean,
l don't suppose English money is. . .
640
00:30:30,036 --> 00:30:31,995
This and this, sorry that's. . .
641
00:30:32,121 --> 00:30:34,164
TOBY:
lt's usually a dollar a bag.
642
00:30:38,169 --> 00:30:40,045
Ooh, well, there's the Capitol,
643
00:30:40,171 --> 00:30:42,673
you can see there through
that window and that tree.
644
00:30:42,799 --> 00:30:46,385
Technically,
you've got a Capitol Hill view.
645
00:30:47,804 --> 00:30:49,805
(classical music)
646
00:30:55,562 --> 00:30:56,520
Hi.
647
00:30:56,646 --> 00:30:58,689
Excuse me.
648
00:30:58,815 --> 00:31:00,315
Hello. How are you doing?
649
00:31:00,441 --> 00:31:02,860
Was it something l said?
l haven't seen you in a month.
650
00:31:02,986 --> 00:31:05,237
l haven't felt that in years. Thank you.
651
00:31:05,363 --> 00:31:06,530
You're beautiful.
652
00:31:06,656 --> 00:31:09,658
Oh, thank you.
l'm sure you say that to all the girls.
653
00:31:09,784 --> 00:31:13,078
Yes, l do. . .
and some of the soldiers, too.
654
00:31:13,204 --> 00:31:15,873
That's why you shouldn't
run for office, bimbo eruptions.
655
00:31:15,999 --> 00:31:18,750
Come on, don't believe that shit.
l'm not gonna run for office.
656
00:31:18,877 --> 00:31:21,253
l'm just trying to do something different.
657
00:31:21,379 --> 00:31:23,088
lt's one of the reasons l like you.
658
00:31:23,214 --> 00:31:25,716
l know your passion
about education and housing and. . .
659
00:31:25,842 --> 00:31:28,385
- Lingerie. Bestiality.
- There you go.
660
00:31:28,511 --> 00:31:30,721
l'd forgotten about that.
661
00:31:30,847 --> 00:31:33,098
Are you still allergic to the dog?
662
00:31:33,224 --> 00:31:36,518
Yes, yes, l wake up and my eyes
are closed and my head is swollen
663
00:31:36,644 --> 00:31:38,478
and l look like a giant ball sac.
664
00:31:38,605 --> 00:31:40,272
Oh, my God. You know,
665
00:31:40,398 --> 00:31:43,400
they do have modern medication
for that sort of thing.
666
00:31:43,526 --> 00:31:45,736
- Beautiful ball sac, though.
- Thank you very much.
667
00:31:45,862 --> 00:31:48,113
- How's the Pentagon?
- lt's kicked up a little.
668
00:31:48,239 --> 00:31:50,741
They're talking invasion
reasonably seriously.
669
00:31:50,867 --> 00:31:53,076
ls there somewhere
we can talk about this?
670
00:31:53,202 --> 00:31:55,120
- l don't know.
- There must be.
671
00:31:55,246 --> 00:31:57,539
- l don't live here.
- Follow me.
672
00:31:57,665 --> 00:32:00,584
- Go that way.
- Don't let people know we're leaving.
673
00:32:00,710 --> 00:32:03,754
This is good. Her daughter's not home,
l talked to her.
674
00:32:03,880 --> 00:32:05,756
- ln here?
- Yeah.
675
00:32:05,882 --> 00:32:09,760
Although, l don't know what we'll say
if somebody comes in right now.
676
00:32:09,886 --> 00:32:12,262
No, l can't think
of a good possible excuse, no.
677
00:32:12,388 --> 00:32:14,014
No, me neither, me neither.
678
00:32:14,140 --> 00:32:15,807
- What?
- Come here.
679
00:32:15,934 --> 00:32:17,935
Just be careful, don't mess stuff up.
680
00:32:18,061 --> 00:32:21,521
- Oh, come on, it's toys.
- Let's sit down.
681
00:32:21,648 --> 00:32:23,690
- So. . .
- Yeah.
682
00:32:24,692 --> 00:32:26,443
Not enough troops.
683
00:32:26,569 --> 00:32:28,779
Total minimum
European Theatre requirement.
684
00:32:28,905 --> 00:32:30,822
The Far East, Asia.
685
00:32:30,949 --> 00:32:33,450
- OK. That's how many we have?
- Total there, yes.
686
00:32:33,576 --> 00:32:35,953
And then we have the contingency
already deployed.
687
00:32:36,079 --> 00:32:38,038
OK, l don't. . . You've lost me.
688
00:32:38,164 --> 00:32:40,332
Hold on a minute. . .
689
00:32:40,458 --> 00:32:42,376
Oh, fuck this.
690
00:32:42,502 --> 00:32:44,127
What?
691
00:32:51,344 --> 00:32:52,970
TOY:
# La la la, la la la la, la la la.
692
00:32:53,096 --> 00:32:54,179
Good.
693
00:32:54,305 --> 00:32:56,974
Your military hardware
is impressive, General.
694
00:32:57,100 --> 00:32:59,142
Yeah, well, not any more, it isn't.
695
00:32:59,268 --> 00:33:02,020
- So, you add these together.
(toy sound effects)
696
00:33:04,524 --> 00:33:08,819
So this is the number of combat troops
available for an invasion,
697
00:33:08,945 --> 00:33:10,570
according to these figures.
698
00:33:11,739 --> 00:33:13,073
TOY:
1 2!
699
00:33:13,199 --> 00:33:14,866
Thousand?
700
00:33:14,993 --> 00:33:16,868
No, 1 2. 1 2 troops.
701
00:33:16,995 --> 00:33:18,578
Oh, come on, you're shitting me?
702
00:33:18,705 --> 00:33:22,207
l am shitting you.
1 2,000 troops, 1 2,000 troops,
703
00:33:22,333 --> 00:33:26,253
but that's not enough. . .
that's the amount that are going to die.
704
00:33:26,379 --> 00:33:29,089
And at the end of a war
you need some soldiers left, really,
705
00:33:29,215 --> 00:33:31,008
or else it looks like you've lost.
706
00:33:32,176 --> 00:33:34,177
TOY:
Bye, for now.
707
00:33:34,303 --> 00:33:37,097
You know what? l've got some Brits
l have to meet tomorrow.
708
00:33:37,223 --> 00:33:38,849
A guy named Simon Foster.
709
00:33:38,975 --> 00:33:40,684
Who's Simon Foster?
710
00:33:40,810 --> 00:33:44,271
He's this guy that said publicly
that war was unforeseeable.
711
00:33:44,397 --> 00:33:47,232
And l think he could be very useful
on the war committee.
712
00:33:47,358 --> 00:33:50,027
He can internationalise the dissent,
start to.
713
00:33:50,153 --> 00:33:53,196
You're going to use him
as a little meat puppet?
714
00:34:07,086 --> 00:34:09,046
Tobes. . . hi.
715
00:34:09,172 --> 00:34:11,048
Hi.
716
00:34:11,174 --> 00:34:14,009
What are we gonna. . .do tonight?
717
00:34:15,053 --> 00:34:16,887
Gonna do tonight?
718
00:34:17,013 --> 00:34:20,891
Yes, what are we up to, my. . .
my chief aide. . .?
719
00:34:21,017 --> 00:34:23,727
Well. . .yeah, l mean,
l sort of thought tonight
720
00:34:23,853 --> 00:34:26,730
we'd probably be just a bit tired, really.
721
00:34:26,856 --> 00:34:31,485
No, l am tired.
But l'm also a career politician, Toby,
722
00:34:31,611 --> 00:34:35,238
in the political powerhouse of the world
for 48 hours,
723
00:34:35,364 --> 00:34:39,659
and l thought it might be nice to go out
rather than just sitting in my room
724
00:34:39,786 --> 00:34:42,329
trying to spank one out
over a shark documentary,
725
00:34:42,455 --> 00:34:44,122
because l'm scared if l watch a porno
726
00:34:44,248 --> 00:34:47,626
it'll end up in
the register of members' interests. So. . .
727
00:34:49,087 --> 00:34:50,921
What have you got. . .for us to do?
728
00:34:51,047 --> 00:34:53,882
Right, what have l got?
Well, so far we've got. . .
729
00:34:55,259 --> 00:34:56,927
Well, there's a leaflet through the door
730
00:34:57,053 --> 00:35:00,472
for happy hour at the bar
which might be interesting.
731
00:35:01,474 --> 00:35:03,725
Also l do have the number of a guy
732
00:35:03,851 --> 00:35:07,604
l was at uni with
who works for CNN out here.
733
00:35:07,730 --> 00:35:09,773
- No.
- No?
734
00:35:12,276 --> 00:35:14,778
- Where are you?
- l'm waving at you.
735
00:35:14,904 --> 00:35:16,571
l don't see you, be more visible.
736
00:35:16,697 --> 00:35:20,450
l'm, like, practically on top of you, l'm
coming to you, is what l'm going to do.
737
00:35:20,576 --> 00:35:22,786
You can stop talking
on your cellphone now.
738
00:35:22,912 --> 00:35:24,621
Of course l can.
739
00:35:24,747 --> 00:35:27,374
Look, l have to leave.
Phone Simon Foster's guy.
740
00:35:27,500 --> 00:35:29,501
Tell them, come to the war committee.
741
00:35:29,627 --> 00:35:32,295
l'll give them some face time
tomorrow around ten o'clock.
742
00:35:32,421 --> 00:35:35,590
lt'll be coffee and Danish.
Tea. They'll want tea.
743
00:35:35,716 --> 00:35:38,468
Tea and sympathy,
tea and a hand job, whatever.
744
00:35:39,846 --> 00:35:43,181
..great deal that is unknown
about hammerhead sharks,
745
00:35:43,307 --> 00:35:44,641
such as their mating habits.
746
00:35:44,767 --> 00:35:47,144
You can definitely spot
the female ones.
747
00:35:48,187 --> 00:35:49,396
Hello.
748
00:35:49,522 --> 00:35:52,691
Hi, Toby, what are you doing tonight?
749
00:35:52,817 --> 00:35:55,694
Well, no, it's unbelievably hectic.
Actually we're. . .
750
00:35:55,820 --> 00:35:57,821
Their courtship is a violent affair.
751
00:35:57,947 --> 00:36:01,366
The male will bite the female
until she acquiesces.
752
00:36:01,492 --> 00:36:04,369
The war committee, that's a big thing,
Liza.
753
00:36:04,495 --> 00:36:07,581
Yeah, well,
l have been on committees before,
754
00:36:07,707 --> 00:36:11,376
the Challenges For The Cheese
Market, that was one of the big ones.
755
00:36:11,502 --> 00:36:14,004
Yeah, God, yeah. Love a drink.
756
00:36:14,130 --> 00:36:16,423
40 minutes is perfect, yeah, yeah.
757
00:36:16,549 --> 00:36:19,009
Bye-bye. Bye. Bye. Bye, bye.
758
00:36:21,387 --> 00:36:23,388
- Matty, how's CNN?
- Great.
759
00:36:23,514 --> 00:36:25,223
l can't, mate, no.
760
00:36:25,349 --> 00:36:29,019
Liza Weld has got us onto the Future
Planning Committee in the morning.
761
00:36:29,145 --> 00:36:31,646
The "war committee"
to the likes of you and me.
762
00:36:31,772 --> 00:36:33,440
What are you talking about?
763
00:36:33,566 --> 00:36:36,902
The Future Planning Committee
is Linton's war committee.
764
00:36:37,028 --> 00:36:40,405
Do you not work for CNN
or is it the Cartoon News Network?
765
00:36:40,531 --> 00:36:42,449
(knocking at door)
766
00:36:42,575 --> 00:36:44,618
(continued knocking)
767
00:36:46,412 --> 00:36:48,914
Come in.
l just wasn't expecting to see you here.
768
00:36:49,040 --> 00:36:51,583
Physically here.
Obviously you're always in my heart.
769
00:36:51,709 --> 00:36:54,794
l'm here, l'm there, l'm fucking
everywhere, l'm the egg man.
770
00:36:54,921 --> 00:36:57,255
Have you come to insult me
in a different time zone?
771
00:36:57,381 --> 00:37:01,092
Yeah. No, sorry, l'm just off out
for a drink with her just now.
772
00:37:01,219 --> 00:37:04,262
No. You're barking up
the wrong cock there, my friend.
773
00:37:04,388 --> 00:37:07,140
Little Toby is staying very much
in his hammock this evening.
774
00:37:07,266 --> 00:37:09,267
- Simon, l've got us on the. . .
- Hiya.
775
00:37:09,393 --> 00:37:11,436
Jesus Christ, fucking hell, Malcolm.
776
00:37:11,562 --> 00:37:14,064
You're supposed to shit yourself
in there, not out here.
777
00:37:14,190 --> 00:37:18,610
l've got us on Linton's Future Planning
Committee for tomorrow morning.
778
00:37:18,736 --> 00:37:21,029
Brilliant. What is that?
779
00:37:21,155 --> 00:37:23,031
lt's the war committee.
780
00:37:23,157 --> 00:37:25,951
What? The actual war. . .
the actual war committee?
781
00:37:26,077 --> 00:37:29,621
- Who's going to be there?
- Karen Clark, Liza Weld,
782
00:37:29,747 --> 00:37:31,623
me and Simon. . .
783
00:37:31,749 --> 00:37:33,625
Simon and me.
784
00:37:33,751 --> 00:37:36,461
How about the rest of the committee,
who are they going to be?
785
00:37:36,587 --> 00:37:38,964
Jimmy Osmond, Gwyneth Paltrow?
lt's a diversion.
786
00:37:39,090 --> 00:37:41,758
The real committee,
that's happening at the White House.
787
00:37:41,884 --> 00:37:44,302
l'll text you the details,
because l'm going to go out
788
00:37:44,428 --> 00:37:46,972
for a drink with
some State Department bods just now.
789
00:37:47,098 --> 00:37:50,183
Don't mention this to the press, OK?
Don't mention it to anyone.
790
00:37:50,309 --> 00:37:53,144
lf the press get a whiff
that there's a war committee
791
00:37:53,271 --> 00:37:55,480
even a cardboard one,
every fucker in this town
792
00:37:55,606 --> 00:37:57,482
is gonna turn up and try and get on it.
793
00:37:57,608 --> 00:38:00,485
So no matter what gay bar
you end up in, keep it shtoom.
794
00:38:02,655 --> 00:38:04,489
SlMON:
l was watching that.
795
00:38:04,615 --> 00:38:06,866
Yeah, well,
l have to have a word with you.
796
00:38:06,993 --> 00:38:09,327
You might want
to slip into your negligee.
797
00:38:10,329 --> 00:38:12,330
(heavy rock music)
798
00:38:15,668 --> 00:38:17,836
- You see this mosh pit?
- Yeah.
799
00:38:17,962 --> 00:38:21,506
Well, they're mostly house staffers,
senators' interns.
800
00:38:21,632 --> 00:38:24,968
Tonight they rage hard,
but tomorrow they go back to the Hill
801
00:38:25,094 --> 00:38:28,179
and argue noise-reduction legislation.
802
00:38:30,516 --> 00:38:33,393
- ls this yours or mine?
- l don't know, l've got three.
803
00:38:33,519 --> 00:38:35,520
So one of these has got to be yours.
804
00:38:35,646 --> 00:38:38,898
Those are like fluids that l've never. . .
would you call wax a fluid?
805
00:38:39,025 --> 00:38:41,026
No, it's not a fluid, it's more of a. . .
806
00:38:41,152 --> 00:38:43,987
- lt's very intimate.
- lt's an ooze. . . it's an ooze.
807
00:38:44,113 --> 00:38:46,156
Ooo. . .eugh !
808
00:38:51,996 --> 00:38:54,748
Karen will want you to say
"War is unforeseeable."
809
00:38:54,874 --> 00:38:58,710
And Linton will want you to talk up the
"climbing the mountain of conflict" line.
810
00:38:58,836 --> 00:39:00,754
You say nothing, OK?
811
00:39:00,880 --> 00:39:04,591
You stay detached, otherwise
that's what l will do to your retinas.
812
00:39:04,717 --> 00:39:06,634
Right. Can l go to bed now, please?
813
00:39:06,761 --> 00:39:08,803
No, no, no, no.
We're going to stay here
814
00:39:08,929 --> 00:39:11,431
and you are going to rehearse
saying nothing.
815
00:39:12,433 --> 00:39:14,392
Am l being tortured?
816
00:39:15,728 --> 00:39:17,437
TOBY:
You look worried.
817
00:39:17,563 --> 00:39:20,815
lt's the paper that l wrote for Karen.
818
00:39:20,941 --> 00:39:23,943
lt's called PWlP PlP, it's about war.
819
00:39:24,070 --> 00:39:27,280
The pros and cons,
and l came up with too many cons.
820
00:39:27,406 --> 00:39:29,991
l'm, like, fucking worried because. . .
821
00:39:30,117 --> 00:39:33,411
this is, like, my career on the line.
822
00:39:34,413 --> 00:39:37,791
l thought you were worried,
because you were looking worried.
823
00:39:37,917 --> 00:39:42,003
But you know, don't. . .
l mean, don't. . . don't worry.
824
00:39:44,006 --> 00:39:45,882
- Thank you.
- OK.
825
00:39:46,008 --> 00:39:48,051
- Sure.
- Thank you.
826
00:39:49,595 --> 00:39:51,596
LlZA:
God damn it!
827
00:39:53,265 --> 00:39:56,309
TOBY: Are you OK?
- Yeah, l'm just taking off my shoes.
828
00:39:56,435 --> 00:39:58,395
Why is that? ls it a mosque?
829
00:39:58,521 --> 00:40:00,438
lt's just, like. . .
830
00:40:00,564 --> 00:40:02,440
ls it. . . ls it a bouncy castle?
831
00:40:02,566 --> 00:40:04,609
(laughter)
832
00:40:08,948 --> 00:40:10,782
(kissing)
833
00:40:10,908 --> 00:40:13,076
Can l just say,
what happens in Washington,
834
00:40:13,202 --> 00:40:15,245
stays in Washington, yeah?
835
00:40:16,247 --> 00:40:20,667
Well, l live in Washington, so that
doesn't, like, really work for me.
836
00:40:21,419 --> 00:40:22,794
TOBY:
Yeah?
837
00:40:38,894 --> 00:40:41,813
A number for a cab company
in Washington DC, please.
838
00:40:43,315 --> 00:40:46,651
Just straight through, straight through.
Hi, l need a cab.
839
00:40:47,820 --> 00:40:53,450
Well, l don't know.
l'm outside number 1 427, moving on. . .
840
00:40:53,576 --> 00:40:56,161
l don't know,
it's a nice street, it's quite leafy,
841
00:40:56,287 --> 00:40:58,329
federal houses.
842
00:41:04,128 --> 00:41:05,753
Marcel's is nice.
843
00:41:05,880 --> 00:41:07,547
l like their wraps.
844
00:41:07,673 --> 00:41:11,134
And you should go to La Taverna,
the Greek place, that's fantastic.
845
00:41:11,260 --> 00:41:13,386
They do that thing
where they set fire to the cheese.
846
00:41:13,512 --> 00:41:15,263
What's that called? lt's a lot of fun.
847
00:41:15,389 --> 00:41:17,682
Yes, it sounds fun.
848
00:41:21,103 --> 00:41:25,773
And, well, there's the Aerospace
Museum and the National Gallery.
849
00:41:25,900 --> 00:41:27,942
Do they set fire to the pictures?
850
00:41:29,528 --> 00:41:31,529
Yeah.
851
00:41:33,741 --> 00:41:39,537
Hi, sorry l'm so late for the meeting.
One or two issues getting here, but. . .
852
00:41:39,663 --> 00:41:41,706
- l'm Karen.
- Hi. Toby.
853
00:41:41,832 --> 00:41:43,374
Pull an all-nighter?
854
00:41:45,252 --> 00:41:49,088
- Well, l . . . l was led astray.
- Oh. By who?
855
00:41:50,299 --> 00:41:54,594
l . . . l just ran into some people
from the MoD and. . .
856
00:41:54,720 --> 00:41:56,554
Not Penny Grayling?
857
00:41:56,680 --> 00:41:58,389
No.
858
00:41:58,516 --> 00:42:01,392
Another. . .gang.
859
00:42:01,519 --> 00:42:04,395
Wow, l didn't realise we had
so many delegations in town.
860
00:42:04,522 --> 00:42:07,357
No, well. . ."The British are coming !"
861
00:42:13,239 --> 00:42:14,906
So. . .
862
00:42:15,032 --> 00:42:18,618
Yeah, you know what? l have a lot
of things to check on just now.
863
00:42:18,744 --> 00:42:22,247
So this would probably be
a good place to break things up.
864
00:42:22,373 --> 00:42:23,581
No problem.
865
00:42:23,707 --> 00:42:24,832
Brilliant.
866
00:42:24,959 --> 00:42:26,584
Bye.
867
00:42:29,755 --> 00:42:31,923
l've brought your bag for you.
868
00:42:32,758 --> 00:42:34,133
Cheers, man.
869
00:42:34,260 --> 00:42:37,262
Tobes, l don't want to have to
read you the riot act here,
870
00:42:37,388 --> 00:42:40,932
but l am going to have to read you
some extracts from the riot act.
871
00:42:41,058 --> 00:42:46,020
Like section one, paragraph one: don't
leave your boss twisting in the wind,
872
00:42:46,146 --> 00:42:50,942
and then burst in late
smelling like a pissed seaside donkey.
873
00:42:51,944 --> 00:42:54,487
(lamely): "The British are coming."
874
00:42:54,613 --> 00:42:57,282
All right, l was late for the meeting.
l am sorry,
875
00:42:57,408 --> 00:42:59,993
but it's not like l threw up in there, is it?
876
00:43:00,119 --> 00:43:02,161
No, you're right, l'm being unfair.
877
00:43:02,788 --> 00:43:05,790
l should be thanking you
for not throwing up.
878
00:43:05,916 --> 00:43:09,502
Well done, you're a star.
You didn't wet yourself, did you?
879
00:43:09,628 --> 00:43:13,381
You're in the right city.
You didn't say anything overtly racist.
880
00:43:13,507 --> 00:43:16,301
You didn't pull your dick out
and start plucking it
881
00:43:16,427 --> 00:43:18,845
and shouting, "Willy banjo."
882
00:43:18,971 --> 00:43:21,180
No, l'm being really unfair.
883
00:43:21,307 --> 00:43:25,310
You'd got so much right
without actually being there
884
00:43:25,436 --> 00:43:29,147
for the beginning of one of the
most important moments of my career.
885
00:43:30,149 --> 00:43:33,026
Thanks, you're a legend.
886
00:43:39,491 --> 00:43:43,244
That was just the beginning, do you
think? Are we going back in there?
887
00:43:43,370 --> 00:43:44,996
l don't know, we barely said hello.
888
00:43:45,122 --> 00:43:46,914
l've had muggings
that lasted longer.
889
00:43:47,041 --> 00:43:49,334
All we talked about
was flammable cheese.
890
00:43:49,460 --> 00:43:53,671
TOBY: What if our meeting has
finished? What if Karen comes back,
891
00:43:53,797 --> 00:43:55,715
and then we're still sitting here?
892
00:43:55,841 --> 00:43:59,844
lt's going to be embarrassing, isn't it?
We're going to look like groupies.
893
00:43:59,970 --> 00:44:01,638
What if the meeting hasn't finished?
894
00:44:01,764 --> 00:44:03,681
And she comes back
and we've disappeared?
895
00:44:03,807 --> 00:44:05,642
Maybe l could call Judy? She could. . .
896
00:44:05,768 --> 00:44:09,354
Please can we try
and just do one thing without Judy?
897
00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:10,355
Fine.
898
00:44:10,481 --> 00:44:17,528
l think we've drawn long enough
from that. . .teat.
899
00:44:19,615 --> 00:44:23,576
Surprisingly enough, a lot of the marble
in the building is not imported.
900
00:44:23,702 --> 00:44:25,703
- Really?
- lt's really interesting. . .
901
00:44:25,829 --> 00:44:28,581
- lf you study the stonework. . .
- Not at the moment.
902
00:44:28,707 --> 00:44:30,667
So, you made it in OK, right?
903
00:44:30,793 --> 00:44:33,294
Yeah, hunky-dory, thanks.
Can l get a coffee?
904
00:44:33,420 --> 00:44:35,171
Sure, sure.
905
00:44:35,297 --> 00:44:39,342
lf we just get started, my assistant
should be bringing in coffee shortly.
906
00:44:40,386 --> 00:44:42,261
Your assistant?
907
00:44:42,388 --> 00:44:44,889
Yeah. So, item.
908
00:44:45,015 --> 00:44:48,393
We need to have a conversation about
the mood of the British Parliament,
909
00:44:48,519 --> 00:44:50,978
the bumps in the road ahead
and what not.
910
00:44:51,105 --> 00:44:55,733
l'm sorry, l don't. . .
This situation here is. . . is this it?
911
00:44:55,859 --> 00:44:58,152
No offence, son,
but you look like you should still be
912
00:44:58,278 --> 00:45:00,530
at school with your head down
a fucking toilet.
913
00:45:00,656 --> 00:45:04,409
Your first point there, the offence?
l'm afraid l'm going to have to take it.
914
00:45:04,535 --> 00:45:08,287
Your second point, l'm 22, but item,
it's my birthday in nine days, so. . .
915
00:45:08,414 --> 00:45:11,207
if it will make you feel more
comfortable, we could wait.
916
00:45:11,333 --> 00:45:13,251
Don't get sarcastic with me, son.
917
00:45:13,377 --> 00:45:16,379
We burned this tight-arsed city
to the ground in 1 81 4.
918
00:45:16,505 --> 00:45:20,633
And l'm all for doing it again,
starting with you, you frat fuck.
919
00:45:20,759 --> 00:45:22,593
You get sarcastic with me again
920
00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:25,513
and l will stuff so much cotton wool
down your fucking throat
921
00:45:25,639 --> 00:45:28,307
it'll come out your arse
like the tail on a Playboy bunny.
922
00:45:28,434 --> 00:45:32,228
l was led to believe
l was attending the war committee.
923
00:45:32,354 --> 00:45:35,732
Yes, Assistant Secretary of State
Linton Barwick asked me to brief you
924
00:45:35,858 --> 00:45:38,276
on the work of
the Future Planning Committee.
925
00:45:38,402 --> 00:45:40,319
l'm away.
926
00:45:40,446 --> 00:45:42,780
And here we are.
The fucking Vice President
927
00:45:42,906 --> 00:45:44,949
has also graced us with his presence.
928
00:45:45,075 --> 00:45:47,118
Give him a bottle of milk.
929
00:45:47,244 --> 00:45:49,120
You didn't wake me up.
930
00:45:49,246 --> 00:45:52,415
The thought crossed my mind,
but you just looked so sweet there.
931
00:45:52,541 --> 00:45:54,417
You know, with the jet lag and all.
932
00:45:54,543 --> 00:45:57,044
l don't know, l thought
you knew what you were doing.
933
00:45:57,171 --> 00:46:00,131
Well, no. Obviously l didn't know
what l was doing, l was asleep.
934
00:46:00,257 --> 00:46:03,176
That's how people walk through
windows, that's how that happens.
935
00:46:03,302 --> 00:46:05,344
Hey, Liza? l've got another call
936
00:46:05,471 --> 00:46:08,598
for you about the committee
from Senator Crudden's office.
937
00:46:08,724 --> 00:46:10,767
Crudden? What is going on?
938
00:46:10,893 --> 00:46:13,144
l mean, how did CNN
know about the committee?
939
00:46:13,270 --> 00:46:17,064
Did Linton post, like,
an invite on Facebook or something?
940
00:46:17,191 --> 00:46:20,818
Liza? Everyone is so hot for this paper,
l just wanted to let you know.
941
00:46:20,944 --> 00:46:22,820
l'm about to run off another ten copies.
942
00:46:22,946 --> 00:46:25,865
- Just stop.
- lt's like a Harry Potter book,
943
00:46:25,991 --> 00:46:28,826
if Harry Potter
made people really, really angry.
944
00:46:28,952 --> 00:46:31,579
You're in hot water,
you're lobsterising.
945
00:46:31,705 --> 00:46:34,373
Do you smell lobster?
Because l smell lobster.
946
00:46:34,500 --> 00:46:37,710
Strong. . .bisque wafting this way.
947
00:46:37,836 --> 00:46:39,796
How far would you go with Linton?
948
00:46:39,922 --> 00:46:41,839
You freaky little stalker.
949
00:46:41,965 --> 00:46:45,176
Downtown?
Or all the way up Brokeback Mountain?
950
00:46:45,302 --> 00:46:47,845
Smells like bisque. Smells like bisque.
951
00:46:53,977 --> 00:46:55,686
(mobile rings)
952
00:46:55,813 --> 00:46:58,439
Where's the war committee?
l thought l was going.
953
00:46:58,565 --> 00:47:01,526
Simon's going. l thought
you were doing your one-to-one?
954
00:47:01,652 --> 00:47:03,194
Where the fuck is it happening?
955
00:47:03,320 --> 00:47:06,072
lt's in the State Department
on the seventh floor.
956
00:47:06,198 --> 00:47:08,032
- Malcolm?
- What?
957
00:47:08,158 --> 00:47:11,828
Do you like how l'm telling you
what's going on where you are?
958
00:47:11,954 --> 00:47:14,539
Let me tell you what's going on
where you are, sweetheart.
959
00:47:14,665 --> 00:47:17,416
A certain vinegar-faced,
manipulative cowbag is about
960
00:47:17,543 --> 00:47:19,377
to discover that she's out of a fucking...
961
00:47:19,503 --> 00:47:23,506
job. Fucking hung up, haven't you?
You fucking hoity-toity fucking. . .
962
00:47:23,632 --> 00:47:26,050
Hey, buddy?
Enough with the curse words, all right?
963
00:47:26,176 --> 00:47:29,011
Kiss my sweaty balls, you fat fuck.
964
00:47:31,682 --> 00:47:34,350
- There's the grenade.
- l know, l'm looking at it.
965
00:47:34,476 --> 00:47:37,937
He's got "Climb the mountain
of conflict" on his picture.
966
00:47:38,063 --> 00:47:40,106
TOBY:
He's picked up on that?
967
00:47:41,108 --> 00:47:43,234
l'm a bumper sticker.
968
00:47:43,360 --> 00:47:45,319
Shit, there's Karen Clark.
969
00:47:45,445 --> 00:47:47,238
Have a meeting, have a meeting.
970
00:47:51,076 --> 00:47:54,704
What about the dialectic, as it spreads
across the different territories?
971
00:47:54,830 --> 00:47:56,873
- lnteresting dialectic. . .
- Oh, hi.
972
00:47:56,999 --> 00:47:59,375
Hi. l'll see you at the committee.
973
00:47:59,501 --> 00:48:01,669
We're just sorting out a bit of prep. . .
974
00:48:01,795 --> 00:48:04,088
Very good, that's great.
975
00:48:04,214 --> 00:48:07,383
- Liza. They're still here.
- l know. l told them where it was.
976
00:48:07,509 --> 00:48:09,093
OK, let's go, let's go. Come on.
977
00:48:09,219 --> 00:48:12,263
Quick, we've got to keep up
with them, now. Let's roll.
978
00:48:12,389 --> 00:48:15,391
No, you can't say "let's roll",
they don't like it here.
979
00:48:15,517 --> 00:48:19,395
That's just who asked to be in
on the committee, it's crazy.
980
00:48:19,521 --> 00:48:22,106
- Yeah.
- Hello.
981
00:48:22,232 --> 00:48:25,276
Are you joining us
or shall we see you there?
982
00:48:25,402 --> 00:48:27,194
Oh, l'm so sorry. No, see you there.
983
00:48:27,321 --> 00:48:30,114
l don't need to do any of the things
984
00:48:30,240 --> 00:48:33,117
that you need to go in there to do,
so l'll just see you there.
985
00:48:33,243 --> 00:48:35,286
- Toby, do you need to use the. . .?
- No, no, no.
986
00:48:35,412 --> 00:48:38,456
- l don't need the restroom.
- All right, OK.
987
00:48:39,499 --> 00:48:41,417
Yeah, they're insane.
988
00:48:41,543 --> 00:48:43,461
Where is it?
989
00:48:43,587 --> 00:48:45,504
l don't know. We can wait here.
990
00:48:45,631 --> 00:48:49,133
Wait round here. When they come out,
we'll follow them again.
991
00:48:57,142 --> 00:48:58,976
Plenty of room down the back.
992
00:48:59,102 --> 00:49:03,773
We seem to be
overrun with insurgents, Bob, huh?
993
00:49:03,899 --> 00:49:06,442
BOB: There must have been a leak.
- Really, no kidding?
994
00:49:06,568 --> 00:49:10,571
- Unbelievable!
- ls this the wrestling? ls that the ring?
995
00:49:10,697 --> 00:49:12,156
There's General Miller.
996
00:49:12,282 --> 00:49:16,661
l think it's best that we move,
reconvene to a bigger, a larger venue.
997
00:49:16,787 --> 00:49:19,163
- lf you follow my lead. . .
- Take an agenda.
998
00:49:19,289 --> 00:49:21,832
Please take an agenda,
we want to stick to that.
999
00:49:21,959 --> 00:49:26,003
KAREN: This is a cluster fuck.
How did CNN know about this?
1000
00:49:26,129 --> 00:49:29,340
- Hold onto that one!
- Could you get Miller to sign it?
1001
00:49:29,466 --> 00:49:32,551
lf we could do this
with a certain amount of energy.
1002
00:49:32,678 --> 00:49:34,595
Just this way, folks.
1003
00:49:34,721 --> 00:49:36,764
Moo!
1004
00:49:43,021 --> 00:49:45,189
Find a chair,
wherever you're comfortable.
1005
00:49:45,315 --> 00:49:46,774
More this way.
1006
00:49:46,900 --> 00:49:49,402
Excellent. l'm room meat again.
1007
00:49:49,528 --> 00:49:53,406
This is a massive abattoir
of room meat.
1008
00:49:54,658 --> 00:49:57,201
Just so you know,
Karen and l did not appreciate
1009
00:49:57,327 --> 00:49:59,578
having to skulk around
like Mulder and Scully
1010
00:49:59,705 --> 00:50:01,372
to find out about the committee.
1011
00:50:01,498 --> 00:50:04,709
Well, you're both here now, huh,
John and Yoko?
1012
00:50:04,835 --> 00:50:06,460
We need to talk.
1013
00:50:06,586 --> 00:50:09,463
How about my office,
1 2:30 tomorrow, huh?
1014
00:50:09,589 --> 00:50:11,048
OK, off you go.
1015
00:50:11,174 --> 00:50:13,551
- What do you mean?
- l've got this covered.
1016
00:50:13,677 --> 00:50:17,221
Go and find the next thing. Talk to that
Chad boy, the boy from The Shining.
1017
00:50:17,347 --> 00:50:18,723
He knows things.
1018
00:50:18,849 --> 00:50:21,892
- Don't make me pump Chad.
- No, l'm making you pump Chad.
1019
00:50:22,019 --> 00:50:24,478
Go on, it'll be easy-peasey
lemon-squeezy.
1020
00:50:24,604 --> 00:50:29,316
No, it won't. lt'll be difficult, difficult,
lemon difficult, that is what it'll be.
1021
00:50:29,443 --> 00:50:31,736
Have a lovely afternoon.
Stop a war for me.
1022
00:50:31,862 --> 00:50:35,823
So, welcome
to the somewhat engorged
1023
00:50:35,949 --> 00:50:39,076
session of
the Future Planning Committee.
1024
00:50:39,202 --> 00:50:41,912
KAREN:
Yes, Assistant Secretary, on point six,
1025
00:50:42,039 --> 00:50:45,750
it feels like there's already been
an assumption that we're invading
1026
00:50:45,876 --> 00:50:50,713
and don't you think that we should
discuss the practical implications?
1027
00:50:50,839 --> 00:50:53,632
l mean, this is,
after all, the war committee.
1028
00:50:53,759 --> 00:50:56,260
This is the Future Planning Committee.
1029
00:50:56,386 --> 00:50:59,430
Well, unofficially,
it is called the war committee.
1030
00:50:59,556 --> 00:51:03,059
Well, Karen, unofficially,
we can call anything whatever we want.
1031
00:51:03,185 --> 00:51:07,938
l mean, unofficially, this is a shoe, but
it's not, Karen, it is a glass of water.
1032
00:51:08,065 --> 00:51:11,275
And this is
the Future Planning Committee.
1033
00:51:11,401 --> 00:51:14,278
Well, unofficially,
this appears to be bullshit.
1034
00:51:16,281 --> 00:51:18,532
Hey.
1035
00:51:18,658 --> 00:51:20,951
- What's all this?
- "Climb the mountain of conflict!"
1036
00:51:21,078 --> 00:51:23,788
We're just choosing a font
for what looks appropriate.
1037
00:51:23,914 --> 00:51:25,748
What about that font the SS used?
1038
00:51:25,874 --> 00:51:27,917
Have you thought about
using that one?
1039
00:51:28,043 --> 00:51:30,294
Er. . .well,
that obviously has bad connotations.
1040
00:51:30,420 --> 00:51:32,296
Heavy metal?
1041
00:51:32,422 --> 00:51:34,298
- No, the SS.
- Oh, right.
1042
00:51:37,969 --> 00:51:44,141
Has a decision already been made,
in principle, to advocate invasion?
1043
00:51:44,267 --> 00:51:46,519
l would refer you
to the recent comments
1044
00:51:46,645 --> 00:51:51,565
of our colleague from the UK,
Mr Simon Foster, in that regard.
1045
00:51:51,691 --> 00:51:56,320
Yes, l think that Mr Foster
would have something to say to that.
1046
00:51:56,947 --> 00:51:59,740
l'm. . . l'm certainly hearing both sides.
1047
00:52:01,159 --> 00:52:05,830
ln England we have a saying
for a situation such as this,
1048
00:52:06,873 --> 00:52:10,501
which is that it's difficult, difficult. . .
1049
00:52:12,003 --> 00:52:14,004
. . lemon difficult.
1050
00:52:16,967 --> 00:52:21,137
You betcha. Huh?
l do think a consensus is forming.
1051
00:52:21,263 --> 00:52:24,807
No, No, it's not,
and you have no basis for saying that.
1052
00:52:24,933 --> 00:52:26,642
LlNTON:
Karen, calm down.
1053
00:52:26,768 --> 00:52:29,728
Because we don't want you
to have another haemorrhage.
1054
00:52:33,525 --> 00:52:35,526
MALCOLM:
Linton ! Linton !
1055
00:52:36,528 --> 00:52:39,405
Mr Tucker, isn't it?
Nice to see you again.
1056
00:52:39,531 --> 00:52:41,574
Are you fucking me about?
1057
00:52:43,869 --> 00:52:45,744
ls there a problem, Mr Tucker?
1058
00:52:45,871 --> 00:52:49,081
l've just come from a briefing
with a nine-year-old child.
1059
00:52:49,207 --> 00:52:51,959
You're talking about AJ.
AJ is one of our top guys.
1060
00:52:52,085 --> 00:52:54,962
He's a Stanton College Prep, Harvard.
1061
00:52:55,088 --> 00:52:56,797
One of the brightest and best.
1062
00:52:56,923 --> 00:52:59,884
Well, his briefing notes
were written in alphabetti spaghetti.
1063
00:53:00,010 --> 00:53:02,970
When l left, l nearly tripped up
over his fucking umbilical cord.
1064
00:53:03,096 --> 00:53:05,181
l'm sorry it troubles you
that our people
1065
00:53:05,307 --> 00:53:07,558
achieve excellence
at such an early age.
1066
00:53:07,684 --> 00:53:10,853
But could we just move on
to what's important here?
1067
00:53:10,979 --> 00:53:14,231
Now, l understand that
your Prime Minister has asked you
1068
00:53:14,357 --> 00:53:20,237
to supply us with some, say,
fresh British intelligence, is that true?
1069
00:53:20,363 --> 00:53:23,741
Yeah, apparently, your fucking
master race of highly-gifted toddlers
1070
00:53:23,867 --> 00:53:26,202
- can't quite get the job done. . .
- All right.
1071
00:53:26,328 --> 00:53:29,038
. .between breast feeds
and playing with their Power Rangers.
1072
00:53:29,164 --> 00:53:31,999
So, an actual grown-up
has been asked to fucking bail you out.
1073
00:53:32,125 --> 00:53:35,836
Ah, Minister. Thank you so much
for your support, we appreciate it.
1074
00:53:35,962 --> 00:53:39,256
And what did you say,
that "Climb the mountain of conflict"?
1075
00:53:39,382 --> 00:53:43,135
- Right, that's terrific.
- lt's quite complicated in terms of my. . .
1076
00:53:43,261 --> 00:53:46,430
lt's early days, my friend.
All roads lead to Munich.
1077
00:53:46,556 --> 00:53:49,266
"All roads lead to Munich"?
What the fuck does that mean?
1078
00:53:49,392 --> 00:53:52,603
l think it just means. . .
Actually, l don't know what it means.
1079
00:53:54,397 --> 00:53:57,274
TOBY: You see that?
Pull that out, America deflates.
1080
00:53:57,400 --> 00:54:01,153
Yeah, very easy to mock. The closest
you'll come to getting one of those
1081
00:54:01,279 --> 00:54:03,239
is buying a fucking Toblerone.
1082
00:54:03,365 --> 00:54:05,950
l'll meet you in the car.
Come on, back to London.
1083
00:54:06,076 --> 00:54:07,993
So, what are we going back to
1084
00:54:08,119 --> 00:54:10,955
apart from a nice cup of tea
and some knife crime?
1085
00:54:11,081 --> 00:54:13,958
Constituency surgery in Northampton.
1086
00:54:14,084 --> 00:54:16,085
Oh, great.
1087
00:54:16,211 --> 00:54:18,128
Meeting my constituents.
1088
00:54:18,255 --> 00:54:22,216
lt's like being Simon Cowell
but without the ability to say,
1089
00:54:22,342 --> 00:54:24,718
"Fuck off you're mental."
1090
00:54:33,645 --> 00:54:35,521
SlMON:
It's stuck.
1091
00:54:35,647 --> 00:54:37,940
WOMAN:
Simon, do you mind?
1092
00:54:38,066 --> 00:54:41,652
lf you just kick it at the bottom
really hard, that should do it.
1093
00:54:43,571 --> 00:54:46,573
l'm just going to go
and deal with that guttering.
1094
00:54:46,700 --> 00:54:48,742
We've just come back from America,
Roz.
1095
00:54:48,868 --> 00:54:51,996
Right. How was the President?
1096
00:54:52,122 --> 00:54:53,539
Good, actually. Yeah.
1097
00:54:54,582 --> 00:54:55,916
Good.
1098
00:54:58,128 --> 00:55:02,006
Oh, dear, how the mighty have fallen.
From White House to shitehouse.
1099
00:55:03,008 --> 00:55:06,593
Actually, mate, sorry, fuck this,
could you get under there?
1100
00:55:08,221 --> 00:55:10,222
- ls that any better?
- No.
1101
00:55:11,683 --> 00:55:15,602
This septic tank, if we didn't even know
it was there in the first place,
1102
00:55:15,729 --> 00:55:18,063
how come we're responsible for it now?
1103
00:55:18,189 --> 00:55:20,149
l think what's causing the problem
1104
00:55:20,275 --> 00:55:23,235
is that it's not actually
a council septic tank.
1105
00:55:23,361 --> 00:55:26,613
- You should leave this to us now.
- Really?
1106
00:55:26,740 --> 00:55:29,450
Certainly, l'm completely on board.
1107
00:55:29,576 --> 00:55:31,410
- ls he?
- Thanks for coming in.
1108
00:55:31,536 --> 00:55:33,537
- All right?
- Right, yes, thank you.
1109
00:55:33,663 --> 00:55:35,581
- Thank you.
- Thanks very much.
1110
00:55:35,707 --> 00:55:37,166
Thanks.
1111
00:55:37,292 --> 00:55:38,792
- Hello.
- Hello.
1112
00:55:38,918 --> 00:55:40,836
- Mr Foster.
- Call me Simon.
1113
00:55:40,962 --> 00:55:42,838
- Right, OK.
- You've met Roz.
1114
00:55:42,964 --> 00:55:44,465
- l know l have.
- Lovely.
1115
00:55:44,591 --> 00:55:47,468
l'll keep it brief, l know you're
a busy man. There's a fellow there
1116
00:55:47,594 --> 00:55:51,221
who wants to stop people talking
in foreign languages in shops.
1117
00:55:52,223 --> 00:55:54,391
Yeah. Well, this sometimes
can be a magnet
1118
00:55:54,517 --> 00:55:57,436
for people who are
slightly mentally dispossessed.
1119
00:56:00,023 --> 00:56:03,275
And also very sensible people,
like yourself, Paul.
1120
00:56:03,401 --> 00:56:06,653
- Paul, why don't you just. . .
- Don't you fucking patronise me, mate.
1121
00:56:06,780 --> 00:56:11,492
Paul, why don't you
just outline the whole issue?
1122
00:56:11,618 --> 00:56:13,494
Right, OK, l'll tell you again.
1123
00:56:13,620 --> 00:56:17,498
Your constituency side wall. . .
1124
00:56:17,624 --> 00:56:20,084
- Uh-huh.
- . . is falling down.
1125
00:56:20,210 --> 00:56:24,671
Your wall. . . is falling
into my mother's garden.
1126
00:56:24,798 --> 00:56:27,674
She tried to call the office,
but she was fobbed off.
1127
00:56:27,801 --> 00:56:31,053
Fobbed off by your people, because
she's not Lord Snooty in a posh car
1128
00:56:31,179 --> 00:56:33,097
or Madonna on a horse.
1129
00:56:33,223 --> 00:56:36,642
Well, that l . . . l find that sort of thing
incredibly irritating myself.
1130
00:56:36,768 --> 00:56:40,938
lt's a patch from London,
it's Karen Clark. Urgent.
1131
00:56:41,064 --> 00:56:44,066
- Hello? Sorry, l'm not here.
- Sorry, Paul.
1132
00:56:44,192 --> 00:56:46,527
- l have to take this.
- Am l being fobbed off?
1133
00:56:46,653 --> 00:56:47,694
Absolutely not.
1134
00:56:47,821 --> 00:56:50,864
What's the difference between
being fobbed off and what happened?
1135
00:56:50,990 --> 00:56:53,033
You won't be able to forget me, Simon.
1136
00:56:53,159 --> 00:56:54,660
What's going on there, Simon?
1137
00:56:54,786 --> 00:56:57,913
lt's. . . lt's departmental business.
lt's about a wall.
1138
00:56:58,039 --> 00:57:00,082
- Oh, Gaza?
- Uh-huh.
1139
00:57:00,208 --> 00:57:02,709
l'm wondering where you were
in committee, Simon.
1140
00:57:02,836 --> 00:57:06,255
l called for back-up and you sat there
like a dumb sack of shit.
1141
00:57:06,381 --> 00:57:09,550
Only maybe worse,
because, actually, on a molecular level,
1142
00:57:09,676 --> 00:57:11,927
shit is probably fizzling with energy.
1143
00:57:12,053 --> 00:57:14,721
l have to say, Karen, l do have
a clear strategy on this,
1144
00:57:14,848 --> 00:57:17,099
which is l'm playing. . .
playing the long game.
1145
00:57:17,225 --> 00:57:18,725
PAUL:
Still here, Simon.
1146
00:57:18,852 --> 00:57:22,271
They've bounced us into a short game,
and you just sat there like a. . .
1147
00:57:22,397 --> 00:57:25,149
What do you call it in England?
A wanker.
1148
00:57:25,275 --> 00:57:27,192
No, we don't call it that.
1149
00:57:27,318 --> 00:57:29,069
ROZ:
Paul. Paul.
1150
00:57:29,195 --> 00:57:32,114
Perhaps if l had a bomb strapped
to my chest, l'd get more attention.
1151
00:57:32,240 --> 00:57:34,324
He's mentioned the matter of a bomb.
1152
00:57:34,451 --> 00:57:37,744
l'm not going to let a bomb off,
l work for the National Trust.
1153
00:57:37,871 --> 00:57:40,205
How do l know
you're not going to let a bomb off?
1154
00:57:40,331 --> 00:57:45,419
Listen, Paul, why don't l give
you, the details of my cell
1155
00:57:45,545 --> 00:57:48,172
- so that you. . .
- Mobile phone details.
1156
00:57:48,298 --> 00:57:51,008
- Mobile phone details.
- Have you got a mobile, Paul?
1157
00:57:51,134 --> 00:57:53,218
- Of course l've got a fucking mobile!
- Roz.
1158
00:57:53,344 --> 00:57:54,595
What is wrong with you?
1159
00:57:54,721 --> 00:57:56,430
Five megapixels.
1160
00:57:56,556 --> 00:57:58,474
Can we see the wall?
Would that satisfy you?
1161
00:57:58,600 --> 00:58:01,602
- Well, it's a start.
- Friends again? Let's go and do it.
1162
00:58:01,728 --> 00:58:04,771
l'm not. . . not your friend,
and l'm not your friend.
1163
00:58:04,898 --> 00:58:06,773
Thank you.
1164
00:58:06,900 --> 00:58:08,484
That's a pleasure.
1165
00:58:08,610 --> 00:58:10,652
Thank you.
1166
00:58:11,696 --> 00:58:13,363
Done. l'm done, l'm done.
1167
00:58:13,490 --> 00:58:15,991
- Thank you.
- Let's go have a good look at that wall.
1168
00:58:16,117 --> 00:58:19,453
Four more constituents. How many
do you think are going to be like that?
1169
00:58:19,579 --> 00:58:21,330
OK, hang on.
1170
00:58:21,456 --> 00:58:26,043
Also the committee got leaked and
that leak came from your department.
1171
00:58:26,169 --> 00:58:30,339
I want a head on a plate, to go.
1172
00:58:31,341 --> 00:58:34,801
You're not my boss. Er. . .fuck off!
1173
00:58:35,637 --> 00:58:37,804
You can't make me sack people.
1174
00:58:37,931 --> 00:58:39,806
Why does she want someone sacked?
1175
00:58:39,933 --> 00:58:41,975
Ah, she said there's a leak. . .
1176
00:58:42,810 --> 00:58:46,355
The detail of the committee meeting
in America was made public.
1177
00:58:46,481 --> 00:58:49,066
There shouldn't have been
as many people there.
1178
00:58:49,192 --> 00:58:51,818
Right, and who does she want sacked?
1179
00:58:51,945 --> 00:58:54,821
- Somebody from our office.
- Right.
1180
00:58:54,948 --> 00:58:57,115
Let's forget it. Come on, next person.
1181
00:58:58,117 --> 00:59:00,994
- Could it have been Judy?
- Probably.
1182
00:59:03,540 --> 00:59:06,166
SlMON: Judy, can you come
into my office, l need a word?
1183
00:59:06,292 --> 00:59:08,210
One second. Tobes, that's for you.
1184
00:59:08,336 --> 00:59:10,003
What is it?
1185
00:59:10,129 --> 00:59:12,506
- lt's that madman about the wall.
- The war?
1186
00:59:12,632 --> 00:59:15,050
Wall ! Eugh.
1187
00:59:15,176 --> 00:59:18,428
Will you please come into my office
so l can give you a bollocking?
1188
00:59:18,555 --> 00:59:20,764
JUDY: Yeah, OK, OK, what?
- Hello.
1189
00:59:20,890 --> 00:59:22,683
- Argh ! Fucker!
- l want a word with you.
1190
00:59:22,809 --> 00:59:24,685
And you, Charlotte fucking Brontë.
1191
00:59:24,811 --> 00:59:26,687
What can l do for you, Paul?
1192
00:59:26,813 --> 00:59:31,858
You know those buttresses
that you had put up for the wall?
1193
00:59:31,985 --> 00:59:33,777
They are utterly insubstantial
1194
00:59:33,903 --> 00:59:36,697
to even the untrained eye,
and l'm looking at them.
1195
00:59:36,823 --> 00:59:38,824
And my eye's trained.
1196
00:59:38,950 --> 00:59:41,785
No, l get that, l do. . . l understand that.
1197
00:59:41,911 --> 00:59:44,580
lf that wall collapsed
and my mother was in the greenhouse,
1198
00:59:44,706 --> 00:59:46,290
that could crush her to death.
1199
00:59:46,416 --> 00:59:49,459
Do you know how old she is?
Tell the reporter how old you are.
1200
00:59:49,586 --> 00:59:50,836
l'm 60.
1201
00:59:50,962 --> 00:59:52,879
She's 60. . . You're not fucking 60!
1202
00:59:53,006 --> 00:59:56,466
lf it's going in the newspaper, l'm 60.
1203
00:59:56,593 --> 00:59:59,886
Olivia Newton-John's 60 and she's not
on the fucking statins, is she?
1204
01:00:00,013 --> 01:00:03,056
- l didn't leak anything.
- Don't you fucking walk out on me.
1205
01:00:03,182 --> 01:00:05,684
- l'm just getting my tea.
SlMON: Let her get a cup of tea.
1206
01:00:05,810 --> 01:00:09,563
Could you just get your mum to stay
away from the wall for the time being?
1207
01:00:09,689 --> 01:00:11,898
She can't stay away,
she's got to water her plants.
1208
01:00:12,025 --> 01:00:15,902
Could she maybe do it with a hose,
from a distance?
1209
01:00:16,029 --> 01:00:18,155
She's got a watering can !
1210
01:00:18,281 --> 01:00:19,656
Calm down, Paul, calm down.
1211
01:00:19,782 --> 01:00:22,826
l'm not. . . l'm fucking Zen.
1212
01:00:25,204 --> 01:00:27,372
l've brought my nunchucks
if you need them, sir.
1213
01:00:27,498 --> 01:00:29,333
See how the meeting goes.
1214
01:00:31,502 --> 01:00:33,503
1 2:30.
1215
01:00:33,630 --> 01:00:35,672
Hold on. General?
1216
01:00:36,841 --> 01:00:41,345
Yeah. . . Secretary Linton Barwick
asked me to let you know
1217
01:00:41,471 --> 01:00:44,640
that his last meeting
looks like it's overrunning,
1218
01:00:44,766 --> 01:00:46,183
He sends his apologies.
1219
01:00:46,309 --> 01:00:47,684
When will he be here?
1220
01:00:47,810 --> 01:00:50,312
l don't have that information
at this moment.
1221
01:00:50,438 --> 01:00:52,147
What the fuck?
1222
01:00:52,273 --> 01:00:53,940
Huh?
1223
01:00:54,067 --> 01:00:56,943
- Did he stand me up?
- No, no, sir.
1224
01:00:57,070 --> 01:01:00,280
- You're more than welcome to wait.
- Do you know what l'm going to do?
1225
01:01:00,406 --> 01:01:02,783
l'm going to take
a nice big shit on his desk,
1226
01:01:02,909 --> 01:01:05,744
just to let him know that l was here.
ls that OK with you?
1227
01:01:05,870 --> 01:01:08,246
l don't think he'd like that too much, sir.
1228
01:01:10,249 --> 01:01:14,127
You can wait. We have
some very interesting periodicals.
1229
01:01:14,253 --> 01:01:17,464
- There's um. . .
- Oh, yeah.
1230
01:01:26,474 --> 01:01:30,352
You want me to read a periodical
at this time of national crisis? Huh?
1231
01:01:30,478 --> 01:01:32,979
Sit here with my thumb up my ass
reading a paper?
1232
01:01:33,106 --> 01:01:36,775
Finding out what? Which little starlet
fucked some guy this week?
1233
01:01:36,901 --> 01:01:39,986
No, l wasn't suggesting that, sir.
1234
01:01:42,699 --> 01:01:44,491
Give this to your boss.
1235
01:01:46,411 --> 01:01:47,536
Yeah.
1236
01:01:50,081 --> 01:01:52,082
Get out of my way.
1237
01:02:09,892 --> 01:02:13,019
KAREN:
Oh, my God. What's up?
1238
01:02:13,146 --> 01:02:15,147
Fucking Linton stood me up.
1239
01:02:15,273 --> 01:02:18,191
He's playing me
like a turkey stick on a bass drum.
1240
01:02:18,317 --> 01:02:20,736
Do you know where he is?
He's playing squash.
1241
01:02:20,862 --> 01:02:23,613
MlLLER:
With this little fucking twit?
1242
01:02:23,740 --> 01:02:26,575
No, not with. . . No, that's Chad.
1243
01:02:26,701 --> 01:02:30,954
He just carries that every day,
because he's hoping to play squash.
1244
01:02:31,080 --> 01:02:34,666
l was going to eat lunch in here. Can
you digest? Do you want some food?
1245
01:02:34,792 --> 01:02:36,501
Oh, yes, l can digest, yes.
1246
01:02:36,627 --> 01:02:38,044
Chinese OK?
1247
01:02:38,171 --> 01:02:40,630
Why don't you order me
some little mammals?
1248
01:02:40,757 --> 01:02:43,592
A little bunny and a little puppy,
and a little cat,
1249
01:02:43,718 --> 01:02:46,887
so l can twist their fucking neck off
and drink their blood.
1250
01:02:47,013 --> 01:02:48,764
My, my. All right.
1251
01:02:48,890 --> 01:02:52,434
While Foster jets around
at the taxpayers' expense,
1252
01:02:52,560 --> 01:02:55,896
his constituency wall is collapsing
and he doesn't give a shit.
1253
01:02:56,022 --> 01:02:57,606
lt doesn't say that?
1254
01:02:57,732 --> 01:02:59,816
No. But it does say
"Wall-ace And Gromit".
1255
01:02:59,942 --> 01:03:02,194
Wall-ace, though.
1256
01:03:02,320 --> 01:03:05,447
You're being portrayed as
the biggest twat in Northamptonshire.
1257
01:03:05,573 --> 01:03:07,532
l've got bigger fish to fry, believe me.
1258
01:03:07,658 --> 01:03:10,827
l'm giving this to somebody else.
Jamie!
1259
01:03:10,953 --> 01:03:13,246
Ah, the crossest man in Scotland.
1260
01:03:14,707 --> 01:03:16,625
Well, if it isn't Humpty Numpty.
1261
01:03:16,751 --> 01:03:18,627
What is this? Surround bollocking?
1262
01:03:18,753 --> 01:03:20,921
Hey, with due respect, l hadn't finished.
1263
01:03:21,047 --> 01:03:24,090
lf it isn't Humpty Numpty
sitting on top of a collapsing wall
1264
01:03:24,217 --> 01:03:27,302
like some clueless egg cunt.
1265
01:03:27,428 --> 01:03:28,804
Now, l'm finished.
1266
01:03:28,930 --> 01:03:30,847
Hi, Jamie, this is Toby.
1267
01:03:30,973 --> 01:03:34,518
Oh, um. . .Toby Rice, l'm Simon's aide.
1268
01:03:34,644 --> 01:03:37,854
Hi, Toby, Toby. Very pleased
to meet you. Please sit down.
1269
01:03:37,980 --> 01:03:41,107
Now, right, that's enough of all
the fucking Oxbridge pleasantries.
1270
01:03:41,234 --> 01:03:44,820
- What's Oxbridge about saying hello?
- Shut it, Love Actually!
1271
01:03:44,946 --> 01:03:46,863
Do you want me
to hole punch your face?
1272
01:03:46,989 --> 01:03:50,075
Right, l'm off to deal
with the fate of the planet.
1273
01:03:50,201 --> 01:03:52,118
Be gentle with them.
1274
01:03:52,245 --> 01:03:55,914
Oh, you know me, Malc. Kid gloves. . .
but made from real kids.
1275
01:03:56,999 --> 01:03:59,960
Right, Butch and Gaydance,
this wall story is playing badly.
1276
01:04:00,086 --> 01:04:02,128
There's a cartoon
of you in here as a walrus.
1277
01:04:02,255 --> 01:04:04,256
A walrus?
1278
01:04:04,382 --> 01:04:06,842
l'm not fat,
l don't even have a moustache.
1279
01:04:07,844 --> 01:04:09,678
Fuck, they've given me tusks.
1280
01:04:09,804 --> 01:04:11,721
- Wal-rus.
- Yes, l know.
1281
01:04:11,848 --> 01:04:13,390
You get it? Wal-rus, wal-rus.
1282
01:04:13,516 --> 01:04:17,143
We called some builders. They didn't
turn up when they said they would.
1283
01:04:17,270 --> 01:04:19,145
What did you expect?
1284
01:04:19,272 --> 01:04:20,981
They're builders!
1285
01:04:21,107 --> 01:04:24,693
Have you ever seen a film
where the hero is a builder?
1286
01:04:24,819 --> 01:04:28,321
No, no, because they never
fucking turn up in the nick of time.
1287
01:04:28,447 --> 01:04:30,407
Bat-builder? Spider-builder? Huh?
1288
01:04:30,533 --> 01:04:33,952
That's why you never see
a superhero with a hod.
1289
01:04:34,078 --> 01:04:36,329
You know, my theory
is Malcolm built him in a lab
1290
01:04:36,455 --> 01:04:38,540
out of bits of old psychopath.
1291
01:04:38,666 --> 01:04:40,375
Hello, ladies.
1292
01:04:40,501 --> 01:04:42,711
OK, well,
l'm just going to go to the bar.
1293
01:04:42,837 --> 01:04:44,713
Good idea, we're on the Sancerre.
1294
01:04:44,839 --> 01:04:47,966
- lf you can afford that.
- lf you can get served at the bar.
1295
01:04:48,092 --> 01:04:51,177
- Yes, thank you, Oscar Wilde.
- He might not get served, bless him.
1296
01:04:51,304 --> 01:04:53,346
Toby's got a message. Hang on.
1297
01:04:56,058 --> 01:04:58,018
What's that?
1298
01:04:59,061 --> 01:05:02,188
- Oh, fucking wow, l don't believe it.
- What?
1299
01:05:02,315 --> 01:05:05,108
l don't fucking. . . l don't believe it,
he's done it again.
1300
01:05:06,152 --> 01:05:08,778
Little shit, he's such a shit.
1301
01:05:10,364 --> 01:05:11,907
What?
1302
01:05:12,950 --> 01:05:14,326
- Here he is.
- There you are.
1303
01:05:14,452 --> 01:05:16,786
The finest Sancerre
in the Westminster reach.
1304
01:05:16,913 --> 01:05:19,956
So, this Liza, you shagged her, yeah?
1305
01:05:20,082 --> 01:05:21,374
What? No.
1306
01:05:21,500 --> 01:05:24,669
Were you aware he was ball-deep
in some Washington wonk?
1307
01:05:24,795 --> 01:05:27,339
- Suzy!
- l didn't know anything about his balls.
1308
01:05:27,465 --> 01:05:30,967
Can we not discuss my balls
and accusations in. . .
1309
01:05:31,093 --> 01:05:34,596
Just tell me why. Huh?
1310
01:05:37,099 --> 01:05:41,895
l don't know, Suzy. lt was very weird
over there, very intense.
1311
01:05:42,021 --> 01:05:43,063
Right.
1312
01:05:43,189 --> 01:05:47,817
Maybe, l don't know,
on some level, subconsciously,
1313
01:05:47,944 --> 01:05:52,572
it was like a. . . it was just. . .
it was a last-ditch attempt to. . .
1314
01:05:53,616 --> 01:05:58,620
. .stop this. . .awful war, you know?
1315
01:06:00,247 --> 01:06:03,041
Just on a. . . l mean, you know,
l don't mean, obviously, to try. .
1316
01:06:03,167 --> 01:06:05,085
- Wow.
- That's classic.
1317
01:06:05,211 --> 01:06:06,836
. . .to try and actually stop it.
1318
01:06:06,963 --> 01:06:09,589
Toby, did you just say
that you had sex to stop the war?
1319
01:06:09,715 --> 01:06:10,632
No, no, no.
1320
01:06:10,758 --> 01:06:14,970
An anti-war shag? ls that what you
thought, Toby? Because, that's. . . Wow.
1321
01:06:15,096 --> 01:06:16,680
Can we just go and discuss this
1322
01:06:16,806 --> 01:06:19,808
somewhere where there aren't
enormous children eating snacks?
1323
01:06:19,934 --> 01:06:23,812
He's got his little cannons
and he's got his little guns, and. . .
1324
01:06:25,064 --> 01:06:28,233
. .this is the problem
with civilians wanting to go to war.
1325
01:06:28,359 --> 01:06:30,652
Once you've been there,
once you've seen it,
1326
01:06:30,778 --> 01:06:33,989
you never want to go again,
unless you absolutely fucking have to.
1327
01:06:35,032 --> 01:06:37,033
lt's like France.
1328
01:06:38,411 --> 01:06:39,995
ls there anything besides this to eat?
1329
01:06:40,121 --> 01:06:43,123
Have something else.
This has got a little protein, have that.
1330
01:06:43,249 --> 01:06:45,208
What's this, fish ass?
1331
01:06:45,334 --> 01:06:48,420
- So, you read Liza's paper, l guess?
- Yeah,
1332
01:06:48,546 --> 01:06:50,672
l'm a voracious reader.
1333
01:06:50,798 --> 01:06:53,299
l am the Gore Vidal of the Pentagon.
1334
01:06:53,426 --> 01:06:54,426
Gore's gay.
1335
01:06:54,552 --> 01:06:55,468
No, he's not.
1336
01:06:55,594 --> 01:06:57,470
l beg to differ, but. . .
1337
01:06:57,596 --> 01:07:00,849
He's gay? Because l've been saying
that Gore Vidal line.
1338
01:07:00,975 --> 01:07:02,308
He is gay.
1339
01:07:03,394 --> 01:07:05,437
Guess, l'd better stop saying that, then.
1340
01:07:05,563 --> 01:07:07,147
lt's ridiculous.
1341
01:07:07,273 --> 01:07:10,442
The case against war
is far stronger than the case for war
1342
01:07:10,568 --> 01:07:12,902
and the case for war
is caveated all to hell.
1343
01:07:13,029 --> 01:07:15,155
"Most analysts
believe the state is looking
1344
01:07:15,281 --> 01:07:17,782
to expand aggressively
beyond its borders."
1345
01:07:17,908 --> 01:07:20,493
Then you look down the caveats.
"The only source is "lce Man".
1346
01:07:20,619 --> 01:07:23,997
A possible alcoholic" - he probably does
ten bags of methamphetamine a day.
1347
01:07:24,123 --> 01:07:25,331
The lce Man.
1348
01:07:25,458 --> 01:07:27,167
lf he even exists.
1349
01:07:27,293 --> 01:07:31,504
"The lNR says we can't trust him."
We're disputing our own intelligence.
1350
01:07:31,630 --> 01:07:33,465
We should leak this, you know.
1351
01:07:33,591 --> 01:07:35,175
When do you wanna leak it?
1352
01:07:36,218 --> 01:07:37,260
Me?
1353
01:07:37,386 --> 01:07:39,679
- lsn't that what you were suggesting?
- No.
1354
01:07:39,805 --> 01:07:41,723
You don't have to say
that it came from you.
1355
01:07:41,849 --> 01:07:43,892
No, l'm not leaking it.
1356
01:07:46,062 --> 01:07:48,063
Liza looks good today.
1357
01:07:52,902 --> 01:07:56,529
- l mean, has Linton read this thing?
- l don't think Linton reads.
1358
01:08:00,534 --> 01:08:03,078
MAN: Why don't you give it
a couple of weeks to settle down?
1359
01:08:03,204 --> 01:08:06,164
SUZY: Oh, great, just what we need.
Old Anti-war Fuck is back.
1360
01:08:06,290 --> 01:08:09,084
- What the fuck's Cocoon doing here?
- What are you doing here?
1361
01:08:09,210 --> 01:08:11,753
- Well, l live here.
- Well, you don't, actually, Toby.
1362
01:08:11,879 --> 01:08:15,090
- Want another cup of tea, Michael?
- Yes, please. l'd love one.
1363
01:08:15,216 --> 01:08:17,842
OK, right, l'm taking
all my stuff from the kitchen.
1364
01:08:17,968 --> 01:08:19,803
- Do you want me to go?
- No, you stay there.
1365
01:08:19,929 --> 01:08:22,555
He's just getting his brie
and his peri-peri.
1366
01:08:22,681 --> 01:08:25,517
- Do you want me to help him pack?
- And certainly my quince paste.
1367
01:08:25,643 --> 01:08:27,560
Quince paste, he's such a prick.
1368
01:08:27,686 --> 01:08:29,938
Just going to gather up his shit clothes.
1369
01:08:30,064 --> 01:08:31,272
Shut up.
1370
01:08:33,400 --> 01:08:36,152
That's not how you fold them.
1371
01:08:36,278 --> 01:08:39,531
l'm not going to fucking Fiji,
l'm getting chucked out of my house.
1372
01:08:39,657 --> 01:08:41,574
They're all going in bin liners.
1373
01:08:41,700 --> 01:08:43,952
lt makes all the difference
at the other end.
1374
01:08:44,078 --> 01:08:46,579
There is no other end, that's the point.
1375
01:08:46,705 --> 01:08:48,957
- Has she got big tits?
- Oh, Christ alive.
1376
01:08:49,083 --> 01:08:51,584
Yes, actually, she has.
She's got massive tits. Yes.
1377
01:08:51,710 --> 01:08:54,671
Look them up on Google Earth.
They've got their own postcode.
1378
01:08:54,797 --> 01:08:57,006
They're so enormous
that they actually
1379
01:08:57,133 --> 01:08:59,259
suck in other tits
from the surrounding area.
1380
01:08:59,385 --> 01:09:01,427
Like you?
1381
01:09:04,056 --> 01:09:05,765
Thanks. See you, then.
1382
01:09:05,891 --> 01:09:07,600
OK.
1383
01:09:07,726 --> 01:09:09,435
Um. . .
1384
01:09:09,562 --> 01:09:14,149
Suzy, this is probably going to sound a
bit odd under the circumstances, but. . .
1385
01:09:14,275 --> 01:09:15,817
A quickie?
1386
01:09:15,943 --> 01:09:19,237
No. Thank you, but no.
1387
01:09:19,363 --> 01:09:21,698
lt's about Liza.
1388
01:09:21,824 --> 01:09:24,033
Liza wrote a paper, it's called PWlP PlP.
1389
01:09:24,160 --> 01:09:26,077
- PWlP what?
- PWlP PlP.
1390
01:09:26,203 --> 01:09:28,872
Who wrote that? Charles Dickens?
1391
01:09:28,998 --> 01:09:31,916
- Post War Planning lmplications. . .
- Yeah, all right.
1392
01:09:32,042 --> 01:09:36,421
Right. l think, it could, if it was leaked,
stop this kind of rush towards a war,
1393
01:09:36,547 --> 01:09:38,798
you know, too quickly, that sort of thing.
1394
01:09:38,924 --> 01:09:42,302
- Just if it was leaked.
- You are such a coward.
1395
01:09:42,428 --> 01:09:46,598
Take your backlog of Mojo
and your shit clothes,
1396
01:09:46,724 --> 01:09:49,642
and your eighth of dope
and your flute and piss off.
1397
01:09:51,187 --> 01:09:54,063
OK, l'll just leave it there.
1398
01:10:00,779 --> 01:10:03,323
- l need advice myself.
- Let's take care of the car.
1399
01:10:03,449 --> 01:10:06,284
This should not be here.
This should not be here.
1400
01:10:06,410 --> 01:10:08,453
MAN:
Sir. Everyone.
1401
01:10:09,121 --> 01:10:11,664
- The car is ready?
- All taken care of, sir.
1402
01:10:11,790 --> 01:10:14,626
- l'm handling travel.
- Why are people running around?
1403
01:10:14,752 --> 01:10:16,669
This had better be a fucking fire drill.
1404
01:10:16,795 --> 01:10:21,174
The President just announced he's
vetoing tariffs on Chinese auto imports.
1405
01:10:21,300 --> 01:10:23,635
That means, right,
he's buttering the Chinese up?
1406
01:10:23,761 --> 01:10:27,513
That he needs the Chinese to at least
abstain on the Security Council.
1407
01:10:27,640 --> 01:10:29,515
OK, so we're going to the UN.
1408
01:10:29,642 --> 01:10:32,644
- Yes, we're going to the UN.
- Shit.
1409
01:10:32,770 --> 01:10:34,812
Why didn't you tell me, Liza?
1410
01:10:35,856 --> 01:10:37,523
Since l created the budget deficit,
1411
01:10:37,650 --> 01:10:40,693
the President doesn't tend
to run things by me any more.
1412
01:10:40,819 --> 01:10:43,279
Don't get funny with me.
l am not in the mood to joke.
1413
01:10:43,405 --> 01:10:45,698
l'm. . . l'm getting that.
1414
01:10:45,824 --> 01:10:49,994
lf you say we're leaving in ten minutes
that means we're leaving right now.
1415
01:10:50,120 --> 01:10:53,248
Not that l don't trust you,
but l don't trust you.
1416
01:10:53,374 --> 01:10:55,083
l am gonna go into Linton's office
1417
01:10:55,209 --> 01:10:57,794
and l'm gonna pull the little pin
on that fucking grenade.
1418
01:10:57,920 --> 01:10:59,712
- Don't do that.
- l'm fucking joking.
1419
01:10:59,838 --> 01:11:00,880
l'm not gonna do that.
1420
01:11:01,006 --> 01:11:02,924
We have an elevator waiting for us.
1421
01:11:03,050 --> 01:11:05,343
Good. Step in,
thank you very much, just. . .
1422
01:11:05,469 --> 01:11:07,512
l just. . .
1423
01:11:08,514 --> 01:11:11,391
This job is incredibly stressful,
you know that?
1424
01:11:11,517 --> 01:11:14,227
Simon, you're not a lion tamer,
1425
01:11:14,353 --> 01:11:17,230
you're not a snooker player.
1426
01:11:17,356 --> 01:11:20,275
l don't want to back a war, Judy.
1427
01:11:21,318 --> 01:11:25,738
Look, put some hints out there,
put some nods and some winks out
1428
01:11:25,864 --> 01:11:30,326
that l'm toying with resignation, OK?
See if the PM reacts.
1429
01:11:30,452 --> 01:11:33,413
- You want me to put out some winks?
- And nods, yeah.
1430
01:11:33,539 --> 01:11:35,248
What? Big nods?
1431
01:11:35,374 --> 01:11:37,750
No, no, just sort of. . .
that sort of size nod.
1432
01:11:37,876 --> 01:11:38,918
OK.
1433
01:11:39,044 --> 01:11:40,753
No, no, that's much too big.
1434
01:11:40,879 --> 01:11:44,340
l'm just nodding normally to say
l understand the need for a small nod.
1435
01:11:44,466 --> 01:11:46,134
Oh, yeah. No, no, sorry, yeah.
1436
01:11:46,885 --> 01:11:50,471
All right now, my lovely friends,
the bottom line is. . .
1437
01:11:50,597 --> 01:11:52,807
Oh, God, l hate that phrase.
"Bottom line."
1438
01:11:52,933 --> 01:11:54,434
l mean, we're not in retailing.
1439
01:11:54,560 --> 01:11:57,061
Sorry. Michael's quite right.
l won't use that again.
1440
01:11:57,187 --> 01:11:59,480
The bottom line is the President
is going to the UN.
1441
01:11:59,606 --> 01:12:02,567
This will be the vote to commence
military intervention.
1442
01:12:02,693 --> 01:12:03,901
(mobile rings)
1443
01:12:04,028 --> 01:12:06,988
And the Prime Minister has decided
that we should join him.
1444
01:12:07,114 --> 01:12:08,698
Rob, lnnis,
1445
01:12:08,824 --> 01:12:11,868
Little Bo Cock Jockey
and the Leakey Fucking Mingebox,
1446
01:12:11,994 --> 01:12:13,619
go back to your desks
1447
01:12:13,746 --> 01:12:15,663
and prepare to start briefing now.
1448
01:12:15,789 --> 01:12:17,915
Michael, do you mind
if we use your office?
1449
01:12:18,042 --> 01:12:19,584
- What?
- For a couple of minutes?
1450
01:12:19,710 --> 01:12:22,754
Yeah. Michael, sorry. Bottom line
is, can you come out again?
1451
01:12:22,880 --> 01:12:25,757
(operatic singing)
- Um. . .might need to turn the music off.
1452
01:12:25,883 --> 01:12:26,924
Yes.
1453
01:12:28,010 --> 01:12:29,427
- Right.
- OK.
1454
01:12:29,553 --> 01:12:31,596
So, this is all going to spin along
from here.
1455
01:12:31,722 --> 01:12:33,473
We're going to have a vote
and go to war.
1456
01:12:33,599 --> 01:12:36,434
We'll fight people, kill them.
Our children will get killed.
1457
01:12:36,560 --> 01:12:38,102
This is exactly the sort of thing
1458
01:12:38,228 --> 01:12:40,897
that l didn't want to do
when l went into politics.
1459
01:12:41,023 --> 01:12:43,608
This is the opposite
of what l wanted to be doing.
1460
01:12:43,734 --> 01:12:46,527
That's why you have to stay
in Government, to influence things.
1461
01:12:46,653 --> 01:12:49,155
ln here, you can influence things,
you can delay things.
1462
01:12:49,281 --> 01:12:50,656
Out there, you're just another
1463
01:12:50,783 --> 01:12:54,077
mouthy, shouty mad fucker who people
don't want to make eye contact with.
1464
01:12:54,203 --> 01:12:57,163
Remember Mary? Remember what
happened? She took a stand on health.
1465
01:12:57,289 --> 01:12:59,123
Everybody decided
that she was mental.
1466
01:12:59,249 --> 01:13:01,042
Because The Sun
showed a picture of her
1467
01:13:01,168 --> 01:13:03,086
with wide eyes and her head on a cow.
1468
01:13:03,212 --> 01:13:05,630
l happened to find that a particularly
powerful image.
1469
01:13:05,756 --> 01:13:08,549
Look. . .the Prime Minister
of this country,
1470
01:13:08,675 --> 01:13:10,635
he's not a fucking Viking, is he?
1471
01:13:10,761 --> 01:13:12,303
He doesn't drink blood.
1472
01:13:12,429 --> 01:13:14,180
He doesn't go around biting tramps.
1473
01:13:14,306 --> 01:13:17,141
l know the Prime Minister
isn't a Viking, Malcolm.
1474
01:13:17,267 --> 01:13:19,894
Unlike me,
he abhors physical violence.
1475
01:13:20,020 --> 01:13:22,355
Where is the intelligence,
the hard evidence?
1476
01:13:22,481 --> 01:13:24,524
We have got the fucking intelligence.
1477
01:13:24,650 --> 01:13:27,360
- l haven't seen it.
- The intelligence we've got is so deep,
1478
01:13:27,486 --> 01:13:30,279
so fucking hard,
it'll fucking puncture your kidneys.
1479
01:13:31,240 --> 01:13:32,698
Where's it coming from?
1480
01:13:32,825 --> 01:13:34,742
There is an informant.
1481
01:13:34,868 --> 01:13:36,327
lce Man.
1482
01:13:36,995 --> 01:13:38,496
lce Man?
1483
01:13:39,164 --> 01:13:41,916
l don't name them. lce Man. Yeah.
1484
01:13:42,042 --> 01:13:44,752
And the fact is,
the stuff that he's given us is. . .
1485
01:13:44,878 --> 01:13:46,504
l've seen it.
1486
01:13:46,630 --> 01:13:49,173
lt would make your blood run cold
1487
01:13:49,967 --> 01:13:53,177
and clot and turn your insides
into fucking black puddings,
1488
01:13:53,303 --> 01:13:55,179
but certain box lickers
1489
01:13:55,305 --> 01:13:57,765
are sitting on it,
but you're going to see it,
1490
01:13:57,891 --> 01:13:59,809
because the PM regards you
1491
01:13:59,935 --> 01:14:01,727
as a key player in this now.
1492
01:14:01,854 --> 01:14:05,356
Simon, the Prime Minister wants
to speak to you in ten minutes.
1493
01:14:05,482 --> 01:14:07,358
He wants you to go to the UN.
1494
01:14:07,484 --> 01:14:08,401
OK.
1495
01:14:08,527 --> 01:14:10,194
See? You're on the A list now.
1496
01:14:10,320 --> 01:14:13,114
You're there in the VlP lounge.
You're a fucking Kennedy.
1497
01:14:13,240 --> 01:14:14,365
Yeah, Malcolm. . .
1498
01:14:14,491 --> 01:14:16,701
You've got the gold card,
the complimentary drinks,
1499
01:14:16,827 --> 01:14:18,202
the fucking hard on.
1500
01:14:18,328 --> 01:14:21,539
Show me the evidence -
my bottom fucking line.
1501
01:14:21,665 --> 01:14:23,541
Don't you start, as well.
1502
01:14:26,879 --> 01:14:28,337
Should l resign?
1503
01:14:29,339 --> 01:14:33,551
l floated that l might, then l thought l
wouldn't, so it'll look convincing if l did.
1504
01:14:34,720 --> 01:14:37,972
l mean, do you think,
is it braver to just resign
1505
01:14:38,098 --> 01:14:40,141
and say, "No. No war"?
1506
01:14:41,143 --> 01:14:42,560
- Yes.
- Or. . .
1507
01:14:42,686 --> 01:14:44,228
is it braver. . .
1508
01:14:45,439 --> 01:14:47,148
. .to say, "l don't agree",
1509
01:14:47,274 --> 01:14:49,442
and just grit my teeth
and get on with it?
1510
01:14:49,568 --> 01:14:50,568
No.
1511
01:14:50,694 --> 01:14:54,238
ls the really brave thing
actually doing what you don't believe?
1512
01:14:54,364 --> 01:14:55,239
No.
1513
01:14:55,365 --> 01:14:56,741
Maybe.
1514
01:14:56,867 --> 01:14:58,159
Because. . .
1515
01:14:58,285 --> 01:15:01,787
What's actually brave
about doing the right thing?
1516
01:15:01,914 --> 01:15:02,830
Nothing.
1517
01:15:02,956 --> 01:15:04,957
You know, doing the wrong thing is. . .
1518
01:15:05,083 --> 01:15:06,459
is. . . is braver,
1519
01:15:06,585 --> 01:15:08,252
in a way, isn't it?
1520
01:15:09,254 --> 01:15:11,964
And wars do sometimes work.
1521
01:15:13,091 --> 01:15:14,425
That erm. . .
1522
01:15:14,551 --> 01:15:16,427
the War for lndependence.
1523
01:15:16,553 --> 01:15:19,430
You know, that worked
for the Americans, didn't it?
1524
01:15:19,556 --> 01:15:21,015
And. . .erm. . .
1525
01:15:22,935 --> 01:15:24,769
The Second World War.
1526
01:15:24,895 --> 01:15:28,022
l know, it's not. . .
lt wasn't a good idea, millions died.
1527
01:15:28,148 --> 01:15:29,774
No, no, l know what you mean.
1528
01:15:29,900 --> 01:15:32,193
The Crimean War.
We got nurses out of that.
1529
01:15:32,319 --> 01:15:34,237
- Nurses are good.
- Yes. Exactly.
1530
01:15:34,363 --> 01:15:36,405
So, right, well, no, exactly.
1531
01:15:39,952 --> 01:15:40,952
So. . .
1532
01:15:42,412 --> 01:15:44,205
You're not resigning?
1533
01:15:49,211 --> 01:15:51,837
ln the motorcade, can we get
a car without Judy, please?
1534
01:15:51,964 --> 01:15:53,965
You want hookers?
You like hooky fucky, sir?
1535
01:15:54,091 --> 01:15:55,466
No, l don't want. . .
1536
01:15:55,592 --> 01:15:58,010
- l want to talk about resigning.
- What again?
1537
01:15:58,136 --> 01:16:00,179
Yes, but with you and not her.
1538
01:16:05,310 --> 01:16:09,313
So, the wires are all currently reporting
that you're going to resign over the war.
1539
01:16:09,439 --> 01:16:11,440
What? That's not supposed
to get outside.
1540
01:16:11,567 --> 01:16:15,486
Well, it is outside. lt's lurking outside,
like a big hairy rapist at a coach station.
1541
01:16:16,905 --> 01:16:20,032
Do you know, if l could,
l'd fucking punch you into paralysis.
1542
01:16:23,996 --> 01:16:26,664
So, you must be Simon.
I'm the British Ambassador to the UN,
1543
01:16:26,790 --> 01:16:28,291
Sir Jonathon Tutt.
1544
01:16:28,417 --> 01:16:31,669
Well, this is it, ladies and gentlemen.
This is the United Nations.
1545
01:16:31,795 --> 01:16:33,921
We, sir, are in here.
1546
01:16:34,047 --> 01:16:36,924
So, if there's anything you need,
just give me a whistle.
1547
01:16:37,050 --> 01:16:39,302
You know how to do that, don't you?
What do you do?
1548
01:16:39,428 --> 01:16:42,847
Hm? That's right. You put your lips
together and you blow.
1549
01:16:44,016 --> 01:16:46,475
l'm going to head up to
this delegates' reception.
1550
01:16:46,602 --> 01:16:49,478
l hope there's some nibbles,
because l'm ravenous.
1551
01:16:51,440 --> 01:16:53,357
Nibbles. Who still says "nibbles"?
1552
01:16:53,483 --> 01:16:56,694
Fuck the nibbles.
What was with the homoerotic tension?
1553
01:16:56,820 --> 01:17:00,531
OK. Your phone is off,
but there's been a catastrofuck here.
1554
01:17:00,657 --> 01:17:03,784
Someone's leaked Liza Weld's
PWlP PlP paper to the BBC.
1555
01:17:03,910 --> 01:17:05,703
Jesus Christ!
1556
01:17:06,747 --> 01:17:08,331
Ah, there we go.
1557
01:17:09,333 --> 01:17:13,044
l reckon it's going to be on the six
o'clock news, one o'clock your time.
1558
01:17:13,170 --> 01:17:16,714
That is going to fucking fist
your UN vote to death.
1559
01:17:16,840 --> 01:17:17,798
Hey, you ! Freeze!
1560
01:17:17,924 --> 01:17:20,384
Right. Missing you loads.
PWlP PlP toodle-oo.
1561
01:17:20,510 --> 01:17:22,428
l want a fucking word with you.
1562
01:17:22,554 --> 01:17:24,180
OK, Jamie, two jobs.
1563
01:17:24,306 --> 01:17:28,100
Job one. Find the PWlP PlP leaker
and kill them. Job one has two parts.
1564
01:17:28,226 --> 01:17:31,354
Job two. Go to the BBC
and find out who's got it there.
1565
01:17:31,480 --> 01:17:34,065
We need them to delay
till after the vote. Yeah?
1566
01:17:34,191 --> 01:17:35,566
l love you.
1567
01:17:39,571 --> 01:17:41,739
Excuse me, l need a word with you.
1568
01:17:41,865 --> 01:17:43,949
Do not move from here
or l'll fucking stab you.
1569
01:17:44,076 --> 01:17:44,825
OK.
1570
01:17:44,951 --> 01:17:46,911
- Right. Was it you?
- No, it wasn't.
1571
01:17:47,037 --> 01:17:47,912
No. What?
1572
01:17:48,038 --> 01:17:50,122
- You know what l'm talking about.
- No.
1573
01:17:50,248 --> 01:17:52,083
And. . . And. . .whatever it was,
1574
01:17:52,209 --> 01:17:54,126
l almost certainly didn't do it.
1575
01:17:54,252 --> 01:17:56,087
- You, the baby from Eraserhead?
- No, no.
1576
01:17:56,213 --> 01:17:57,963
Then it must be you,
woman from The Crying Game.
1577
01:17:58,090 --> 01:17:59,423
lt wasn't me.
1578
01:17:59,549 --> 01:18:01,634
You've really got it in for me,
haven't you?
1579
01:18:01,760 --> 01:18:04,428
Listen, somebody has dropped
a bollock in the noodles here.
1580
01:18:04,554 --> 01:18:05,971
- And l reckon it was you.
- Oh.
1581
01:18:06,098 --> 01:18:08,432
- Nice logic.
- Yeah, no, that sounds possible.
1582
01:18:08,558 --> 01:18:10,267
Will you just keep your nib out?
1583
01:18:10,394 --> 01:18:11,936
Psychologically speaking.
1584
01:18:12,062 --> 01:18:14,021
- Springer spaniel head.
- lt's plausible.
1585
01:18:14,147 --> 01:18:17,441
You might have built up a resentment
and paid it off in some underhand way.
1586
01:18:17,567 --> 01:18:19,360
That's a thing l've observed people do.
1587
01:18:19,486 --> 01:18:21,153
Observe that.
1588
01:18:21,279 --> 01:18:23,614
- Right, Baldermort.
- Bloody hell, Malcolm.
1589
01:18:23,740 --> 01:18:25,074
Excuse us.
1590
01:18:25,200 --> 01:18:26,992
We are in a new reality here.
1591
01:18:27,119 --> 01:18:28,244
- OK?
- Right.
1592
01:18:28,370 --> 01:18:30,830
And l need you to speed things up.
1593
01:18:30,956 --> 01:18:32,665
OK. Speed what up, Malcolm?
1594
01:18:32,791 --> 01:18:35,167
- The debate.
- Right.
1595
01:18:35,293 --> 01:18:38,629
l need you to bring it
from 1 :30pm to 1 1 am.
1596
01:18:38,755 --> 01:18:43,008
Right. Let me tell you how the process
works here and why that's not possible.
1597
01:18:43,135 --> 01:18:46,220
Just fucking do it, otherwise you'll find
yourself in the Caucuses,
1598
01:18:46,346 --> 01:18:47,805
in a Medieval fucking war zone,
1599
01:18:47,931 --> 01:18:50,474
arse in the air, trying to persuade
men in balaclavas
1600
01:18:50,600 --> 01:18:54,437
that sustained sexual violence
is not the fucking way forward, OK?
1601
01:18:54,563 --> 01:18:57,857
lt cannot be done and it will not
be done. There's an end to it.
1602
01:18:57,983 --> 01:18:59,483
Ok, l'll do it. Through here?
1603
01:18:59,609 --> 01:19:02,194
You will not do it
because that is a breach of protocol.
1604
01:19:02,320 --> 01:19:04,071
- Well, you do it.
- No, l will not do it.
1605
01:19:04,197 --> 01:19:06,449
- ln there. Do it.
- l'm not dancing with you on this.
1606
01:19:06,575 --> 01:19:08,784
- Get through there and do it, now.
- l'm not.
1607
01:19:10,036 --> 01:19:11,245
Right. . .well. . .
1608
01:19:11,371 --> 01:19:13,080
Erm. . .everyone, if l could just. . .
1609
01:19:13,206 --> 01:19:14,457
ls this. . .
1610
01:19:14,583 --> 01:19:16,083
Can you hear me?
1611
01:19:16,209 --> 01:19:19,295
l just wondered if we might er. . .
ask for a. . .
1612
01:19:21,006 --> 01:19:22,423
. .a cheeky early vote,
1613
01:19:22,549 --> 01:19:24,925
a sort of a little bit of an adventure.
1614
01:19:25,051 --> 01:19:26,552
Yeah, we've got to plug that leak.
1615
01:19:26,678 --> 01:19:29,346
l don't know what else they've got
and where's this intel?
1616
01:19:29,473 --> 01:19:32,850
Are you sure you're working as hard
as me? l'm sweating spinal fluid here.
1617
01:19:32,976 --> 01:19:34,477
l'm a fucking husk.
1618
01:19:34,603 --> 01:19:35,853
Jesus.
1619
01:19:36,855 --> 01:19:40,024
- Got everything you need?
- Yeah. Yeah, thanks.
1620
01:19:40,150 --> 01:19:41,233
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
1621
01:19:41,902 --> 01:19:43,194
General Flintstone.
1622
01:19:44,446 --> 01:19:45,863
Was it you?
1623
01:19:45,989 --> 01:19:48,073
Did you leak PWlP PlP?
1624
01:19:48,867 --> 01:19:51,869
l mean, l know you can't fire a gun,
but can you use a fax?
1625
01:19:51,995 --> 01:19:54,705
No, l didn't leak PWlP PlP.
l do everything up front. OK?
1626
01:19:54,831 --> 01:19:57,875
Not like some creepy little gay
mercenary that sneaks around
1627
01:19:58,001 --> 01:19:59,585
doing other people's dirty work.
1628
01:19:59,711 --> 01:20:01,378
Hey, l am doing my own work.
1629
01:20:01,505 --> 01:20:02,755
l'm doing my job.
1630
01:20:02,881 --> 01:20:04,882
No, you're doing Linton's dirty work.
1631
01:20:05,008 --> 01:20:06,926
You're his English bitch
and you don't even know it.
1632
01:20:07,052 --> 01:20:10,095
l bet if l went into your hotel room
tonight, l'd see you on all fours,
1633
01:20:10,222 --> 01:20:12,556
little fishnets on,
him hanging onto the back of you.
1634
01:20:12,682 --> 01:20:14,225
Oh, that's nice, that's nice.
1635
01:20:14,351 --> 01:20:17,228
That's tough talk coming from
a fucking armchair general.
1636
01:20:17,354 --> 01:20:20,189
Why don't you put your feet up
on a pouf and go back to sleep?
1637
01:20:20,315 --> 01:20:23,901
Tucker, you might be a scary little
poodle fucker, back there in London,
1638
01:20:24,027 --> 01:20:25,361
but here you're nothing.
1639
01:20:25,487 --> 01:20:27,279
You know what you look like?
1640
01:20:28,281 --> 01:20:29,740
A squeezed dick.
1641
01:20:29,866 --> 01:20:33,285
You've got a little blue vein
running up the side of your head.
1642
01:20:33,411 --> 01:20:35,162
See, that's where l'd put the bullet.
1643
01:20:35,288 --> 01:20:39,083
But l'd have to stand back,
cos you look like you'd be a squirter.
1644
01:20:39,209 --> 01:20:40,918
Have you ever, even actually. . .
1645
01:20:41,920 --> 01:20:43,629
. .killed anybody, l mean, really?
1646
01:20:43,755 --> 01:20:44,922
Yeah.
1647
01:20:45,715 --> 01:20:47,800
Falling asleep on someone.
That doesn't count.
1648
01:20:47,926 --> 01:20:49,635
That's good. That's good.
1649
01:20:49,761 --> 01:20:52,012
How about you, pussy drip,
ever kill anybody?
1650
01:20:52,138 --> 01:20:54,723
Maiming is what l prefer,
psychologically.
1651
01:20:54,850 --> 01:20:56,433
Why don't you try to maim me?
1652
01:20:56,560 --> 01:20:59,728
l'll hit you so hard in the face,
you'll be shitting teeth.
1653
01:21:00,772 --> 01:21:02,147
Go right ahead.
1654
01:21:02,274 --> 01:21:04,191
l can see the headlines right now.
1655
01:21:04,317 --> 01:21:07,945
"Peace-loving general starts fight
at the UN. Swiss intervene."
1656
01:21:08,071 --> 01:21:11,782
l don't know, l'm not an expert on spin,
but that could hurt your career.
1657
01:21:11,908 --> 01:21:12,783
Yeah?
1658
01:21:12,909 --> 01:21:14,118
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
1659
01:21:17,122 --> 01:21:18,539
Now, do excuse me.
1660
01:21:18,665 --> 01:21:20,291
l've got work to do.
1661
01:21:22,127 --> 01:21:24,503
Don't ever call me
fucking English again.
1662
01:21:28,425 --> 01:21:30,301
(operatic singing)
- Suzy, well done.
1663
01:21:30,427 --> 01:21:32,136
This is absolutely superb.
1664
01:21:32,262 --> 01:21:34,597
Hey, horse of the year, was it you?
1665
01:21:34,723 --> 01:21:37,224
- Was what me?
- Answer the fucking question !
1666
01:21:37,350 --> 01:21:38,475
Was it you?
1667
01:21:38,602 --> 01:21:41,687
Was what me, Jamie? l have no idea
what you're talking about.
1668
01:21:41,813 --> 01:21:45,566
She can't answer the question,
can she? Unless she knows what it is.
1669
01:21:45,692 --> 01:21:46,859
You. . .
1670
01:21:46,985 --> 01:21:50,154
leaked Liza Weld's paper
to the BBC, right?
1671
01:21:50,280 --> 01:21:53,073
Now, tell me you leaked it.
1672
01:21:54,576 --> 01:21:56,785
No, l didn't. l didn't leak it.
1673
01:21:56,912 --> 01:21:58,412
l know. . .
1674
01:21:58,538 --> 01:22:01,165
the leak came from in here.
1675
01:22:01,291 --> 01:22:02,833
From. . .
1676
01:22:02,959 --> 01:22:06,712
this fucking fax machine right here.
1677
01:22:06,838 --> 01:22:09,340
SUZY:
No. There's no. . . There's no way.
1678
01:22:10,383 --> 01:22:11,675
Do you see. . .
1679
01:22:11,801 --> 01:22:13,510
what l'm doing to this machine?
1680
01:22:13,637 --> 01:22:15,304
- Jamie, don't.
- See?
1681
01:22:15,430 --> 01:22:16,847
Jesus Christ!
1682
01:22:16,973 --> 01:22:18,390
Fuck, Jamie.
1683
01:22:18,516 --> 01:22:21,352
You see how. . .angry l am with the. . .
1684
01:22:21,478 --> 01:22:26,231
piece of office equipment
that leaked this document?
1685
01:22:26,358 --> 01:22:27,274
Huh?
1686
01:22:27,400 --> 01:22:28,609
Michael.
1687
01:22:28,735 --> 01:22:33,864
Can you even imagine how angry l am
with the person who leaked it, can you?
1688
01:22:33,990 --> 01:22:37,034
- That's really. . .expensive, Jamie.
- Can you, Suzy?
1689
01:22:37,160 --> 01:22:39,495
Jamie, it was me.
1690
01:22:39,621 --> 01:22:42,706
Oh, don't come over
all fucking Spartacus on us now.
1691
01:22:42,832 --> 01:22:44,541
- l leaked it.
- What are you doing?
1692
01:22:44,668 --> 01:22:46,543
No, hang on, hang on. For a start. . .
1693
01:22:46,670 --> 01:22:48,629
turn that fucking racket off!
1694
01:22:48,755 --> 01:22:50,881
SUZY: Turn it off.
- lt's just vowels.
1695
01:22:51,883 --> 01:22:55,052
Subsidised foreign fucking vowels.
1696
01:22:56,054 --> 01:22:59,723
The only reason you listen to this shit
is because it's bad form
1697
01:22:59,849 --> 01:23:02,226
to actually wear a hat that says,
1698
01:23:02,352 --> 01:23:04,228
"l went to private school."
1699
01:23:04,354 --> 01:23:05,896
So, tell me now, right.
1700
01:23:06,022 --> 01:23:08,357
- Who did you leak it to?
- l just sent it.
1701
01:23:08,483 --> 01:23:10,901
l read it, l thought it was important,
so l sent it.
1702
01:23:11,027 --> 01:23:13,445
Good. Fine. See that fax?
1703
01:23:13,571 --> 01:23:14,488
Yes.
1704
01:23:14,614 --> 01:23:16,240
That is your career.
1705
01:23:17,033 --> 01:23:20,244
And l think it might be fucked,
but let's just check.
1706
01:23:21,246 --> 01:23:23,330
Yeah, yeah, it's pretty fucked.
1707
01:23:23,456 --> 01:23:25,457
Now, l hope you can play the spoons.
1708
01:23:25,583 --> 01:23:28,585
You're too old to go back
to being a gentleman's fluffer.
1709
01:23:29,754 --> 01:23:31,755
Simon? Simon.
1710
01:23:31,881 --> 01:23:34,675
Congratulations.
l didn't think you had it in you.
1711
01:23:34,801 --> 01:23:35,718
Hi.
1712
01:23:35,844 --> 01:23:37,886
- This is great, Simon.
- He's resigning.
1713
01:23:38,013 --> 01:23:40,097
- Have you seen it? lt's a good picture.
- Oh.
1714
01:23:40,223 --> 01:23:42,599
- They're running with that?
GENERAL: ln a very big way.
1715
01:23:42,726 --> 01:23:44,393
l didn't say that.
1716
01:23:44,519 --> 01:23:45,436
What?
1717
01:23:45,562 --> 01:23:47,730
- What?
- You're not resigning?
1718
01:23:47,856 --> 01:23:49,773
Are you still playing the hawk?
1719
01:23:49,899 --> 01:23:53,193
ln a way, it's. . . l'm playing a much
cleverer game than that.
1720
01:23:53,319 --> 01:23:54,528
l'm a. . .
1721
01:23:54,654 --> 01:23:56,447
l'm a fake hawk.
1722
01:23:57,449 --> 01:23:58,741
A what?
1723
01:23:59,576 --> 01:24:01,160
A fake hawk.
1724
01:24:02,704 --> 01:24:04,288
You're an idiot.
1725
01:24:05,373 --> 01:24:07,583
Or are you being a fake idiot?
1726
01:24:08,460 --> 01:24:12,629
So, we float it, anyway, tell the press
that he confirmed to us he's resigning.
1727
01:24:12,756 --> 01:24:14,506
- That's what we'll do, then.
- What?
1728
01:24:14,632 --> 01:24:17,301
- lt's decided, then.
- Sorry. No, it bloody isn't.
1729
01:24:17,427 --> 01:24:18,844
l'm me. OK?
1730
01:24:18,970 --> 01:24:20,763
You're not me.
1731
01:24:21,765 --> 01:24:24,975
l decide about all the main things
about me.
1732
01:24:25,101 --> 01:24:26,810
- Not any more.
- Not you, me.
1733
01:24:26,936 --> 01:24:32,149
Simon, the only thing that we can do
to influence events now is to resign.
1734
01:24:32,275 --> 01:24:33,609
That's it, OK?
1735
01:24:33,735 --> 01:24:36,361
- Sacrifice ourselves.
- Like a suicide bomber?
1736
01:24:36,488 --> 01:24:40,407
No, not like suicide bomber.
A suicide bomber makes a decision.
1737
01:24:48,541 --> 01:24:50,167
Are you OK?
1738
01:24:51,586 --> 01:24:54,046
l'm thinking of becoming
a suicide bomber.
1739
01:24:55,006 --> 01:24:56,006
Right.
1740
01:24:57,008 --> 01:24:58,842
- Would you like a mint?
- No.
1741
01:24:58,968 --> 01:25:03,889
They're really not that good
for the teeth, you know, rots them slowly.
1742
01:25:04,015 --> 01:25:06,058
- lt's early.
- Do you like me, Judy?
1743
01:25:08,019 --> 01:25:10,521
Well. . .you're my boss, you know.
1744
01:25:10,647 --> 01:25:12,439
But do you really like me?
1745
01:25:14,192 --> 01:25:15,651
Yeah.
1746
01:25:16,694 --> 01:25:19,696
l'll. . . l'll just leave you to your thoughts.
1747
01:25:19,823 --> 01:25:20,697
OK?
1748
01:25:20,824 --> 01:25:22,866
l haven't got any thoughts.
1749
01:25:24,536 --> 01:25:26,787
l'm just staring vacantly into space.
1750
01:25:27,872 --> 01:25:30,457
While a distant voice
in the back of my head goes,
1751
01:25:30,583 --> 01:25:32,000
"Oh, shit",
1752
01:25:32,127 --> 01:25:34,628
like a car alarm,
in the middle of the night.
1753
01:25:36,422 --> 01:25:38,298
Why? Has Jamie been round?
1754
01:25:38,424 --> 01:25:40,884
- Because he's. . .
- This is you, isn't it?
1755
01:25:41,010 --> 01:25:44,638
Suzy, can l phone you back in a few
minutes for a further bollocking?
1756
01:25:44,764 --> 01:25:46,473
l'll just deal with this one here.
1757
01:25:46,599 --> 01:25:49,810
l have got something really, really big
in my career lined up for me
1758
01:25:49,936 --> 01:25:52,396
and you're going to fuck it up
because of this leak.
1759
01:25:52,522 --> 01:25:54,439
What did you. . .?
What would be fucked up?
1760
01:25:54,566 --> 01:25:57,025
Chad, l don't need to tell you anything.
1761
01:25:57,152 --> 01:25:58,610
l want to tell you a story.
1762
01:25:58,736 --> 01:26:00,904
When the Titanic went down,
there were lifeboats.
1763
01:26:01,030 --> 01:26:04,283
They had extra room on them
and there were people in the water.
1764
01:26:04,409 --> 01:26:07,286
Some people on the boats just wanted
room to stretch their legs,
1765
01:26:07,412 --> 01:26:10,289
but people in the water froze
and that was on their conscience.
1766
01:26:10,415 --> 01:26:13,250
You talk entirely in parables.
You're like a crap Jesus.
1767
01:26:13,376 --> 01:26:16,253
Tread lightly. OK?
You are fucking with the wrong person.
1768
01:26:16,379 --> 01:26:18,922
- Oh, really?
- Yes. l've got this town on lockdown.
1769
01:26:19,048 --> 01:26:20,757
We're both and so. . .
1770
01:26:20,884 --> 01:26:22,593
- Fuck you all.
- A common enemy.
1771
01:26:22,719 --> 01:26:23,427
Hello.
1772
01:26:23,553 --> 01:26:24,469
Hello!
1773
01:26:24,596 --> 01:26:26,054
Hello, Paul.
1774
01:26:26,181 --> 01:26:29,892
- Guess what's happened to my wall?
- Could you hold on just a second?
1775
01:26:30,018 --> 01:26:32,436
The Vice President's. . . Doesn't matter.
1776
01:26:33,521 --> 01:26:35,522
Of America. Yes. That one.
1777
01:26:37,609 --> 01:26:40,569
So, we're getting a little close
to the wire, Mr Tucker.
1778
01:26:40,695 --> 01:26:42,446
Where is that intel, huh?
1779
01:26:42,572 --> 01:26:44,698
What sort of intel have you rustled up?
1780
01:26:44,824 --> 01:26:46,950
- Ah, the smoking intel?
- Yeah.
1781
01:26:47,076 --> 01:26:48,952
Well, honestly, l haven't got it.
1782
01:26:49,078 --> 01:26:50,996
You haven't got it?
1783
01:26:51,122 --> 01:26:52,789
All right. OK.
1784
01:26:52,916 --> 01:26:56,376
Well, then, can you delay the vote?
lt'd give you the time to get it.
1785
01:26:56,502 --> 01:26:58,128
l've just had it brought forward.
1786
01:27:00,965 --> 01:27:03,133
Sorry, l'm just erm. . .getting my mints.
1787
01:27:04,302 --> 01:27:06,678
l am telling you, delay the vote
1788
01:27:06,804 --> 01:27:12,142
and make yourself some time to get
the intel, because l need it, my friend.
1789
01:27:12,268 --> 01:27:14,311
Hey. OK.
Just a quick reality check here,
1790
01:27:14,437 --> 01:27:16,730
J Edgar Fucking Hoover,
l don't work for you.
1791
01:27:16,856 --> 01:27:19,024
You don't fucking tell me what to do.
1792
01:27:19,150 --> 01:27:21,652
OK. Firstly, don't raise your voice.
1793
01:27:21,778 --> 01:27:23,695
This is a sacred place.
1794
01:27:23,821 --> 01:27:26,949
Now, you may not believe that
and l may not believe that,
1795
01:27:27,075 --> 01:27:29,034
but, by God, it's a useful hypocrisy.
1796
01:27:29,160 --> 01:27:31,119
And, secondarily,
1797
01:27:31,246 --> 01:27:35,832
l believe your Prime Minister
has instructed you to work for me.
1798
01:27:37,502 --> 01:27:39,211
Take your sweeties and fuck off.
1799
01:27:40,213 --> 01:27:42,339
LlNTON:
Oh, the great Malcolm Tucker.
1800
01:27:42,465 --> 01:27:45,342
One of your guys leaks a paper.
You can't do anything.
1801
01:27:45,468 --> 01:27:48,428
Huh? We tell you to get some intel.
You can't do anything.
1802
01:27:48,554 --> 01:27:51,640
l need you to move the vote back.
You can't do anything.
1803
01:27:51,766 --> 01:27:54,393
l am afraid you are nothing
but a useless piece of
1804
01:27:54,519 --> 01:27:56,979
S star-star T.
1805
01:27:58,189 --> 01:28:00,065
What the fuck do you want?
1806
01:28:00,191 --> 01:28:01,608
Erm. . .sorry, l . . .
1807
01:28:01,734 --> 01:28:05,529
l've just heard that the constituency
wall has started to collapse.
1808
01:28:05,655 --> 01:28:08,991
A brick's fallen out. Well, that's
the news l'm getting, at the moment.
1809
01:28:09,117 --> 01:28:10,742
There'll be more to follow.
1810
01:28:10,868 --> 01:28:12,536
News and bricks.
1811
01:28:12,662 --> 01:28:16,039
My God, that sounds important.
Take care of that, Mr Tucker. Yes?
1812
01:28:16,165 --> 01:28:17,874
l think that's more your speed.
1813
01:28:18,001 --> 01:28:22,379
l can see you, with your shirt off and
a wheelbarrow, whistling a happy tune.
1814
01:28:22,505 --> 01:28:23,922
Get on that.
1815
01:28:28,386 --> 01:28:29,886
You work for him?
1816
01:28:30,888 --> 01:28:33,473
This is very fucking complicated stuff.
1817
01:28:33,599 --> 01:28:35,392
After the vote. . .
1818
01:28:36,394 --> 01:28:37,853
. . l resign.
1819
01:28:37,979 --> 01:28:39,396
Oh, fuck off!
1820
01:28:39,522 --> 01:28:40,605
Resigning?
1821
01:28:40,732 --> 01:28:42,399
How fucking impressive!
1822
01:28:42,525 --> 01:28:46,653
Resign. The horse has bolted. lt's out
there now. lt's getting fucking shot!
1823
01:28:46,779 --> 01:28:48,405
l'll see you later, Malcolm.
1824
01:28:49,949 --> 01:28:51,074
You. . .
1825
01:28:51,200 --> 01:28:52,743
You repeat. . .
1826
01:28:52,869 --> 01:28:55,245
one word of what you have heard here
1827
01:28:55,371 --> 01:28:58,874
and l'm going to fucking
take your leg off. . . l'll fucking. . .
1828
01:29:00,668 --> 01:29:02,127
The shin bone.
1829
01:29:02,253 --> 01:29:05,797
l'm going to take the shin bone,
l'm going to break it in two
1830
01:29:05,923 --> 01:29:09,926
and l'm going to fucking stab you
to fucking death with it, right?
1831
01:29:10,053 --> 01:29:11,595
So, just. . . just. . .
1832
01:29:11,721 --> 01:29:13,013
go away.
1833
01:29:13,139 --> 01:29:14,598
Go away.
1834
01:29:28,821 --> 01:29:30,697
Hi. BBC News Desk, please.
1835
01:29:30,823 --> 01:29:32,449
Malcolm Tucker.
1836
01:29:33,451 --> 01:29:34,826
Hi, Ben.
1837
01:29:34,952 --> 01:29:38,663
Listen, l hear that you might be
preparing a story that we might not like.
1838
01:29:38,790 --> 01:29:40,165
- Yeah, please.
- Ow!
1839
01:29:40,291 --> 01:29:44,127
l just wanted to say, please, this
garden-wall story, don't run with that.
1840
01:29:44,253 --> 01:29:45,170
Ow!
1841
01:29:45,296 --> 01:29:47,631
Simon Foster's constituency office wall.
1842
01:29:47,757 --> 01:29:49,674
That's what you've got, haven't you?
1843
01:29:49,801 --> 01:29:52,511
Oh, shit. l haven't let the cat
out of the bag, have l?
1844
01:29:52,637 --> 01:29:55,847
Please, don't run with that.
My reputation will be in tatters.
1845
01:29:55,973 --> 01:29:58,058
- Ow!
- And he is gone!
1846
01:29:58,184 --> 01:30:00,310
My hand is really
quite badly scalded now.
1847
01:30:00,436 --> 01:30:03,480
l know it was you who leaked
Linton's war committee.
1848
01:30:03,606 --> 01:30:05,649
Oh. Right. Erm. . .
1849
01:30:07,652 --> 01:30:09,486
- lt wasn't.
- lt wasn't?
1850
01:30:09,612 --> 01:30:10,821
That's what you'll say
1851
01:30:10,947 --> 01:30:15,450
when they fly you to Diego Garcia
and carry out a cavity search?
1852
01:30:17,078 --> 01:30:18,745
l don't actually recall.
1853
01:30:18,871 --> 01:30:20,789
lt was a very busy time.
1854
01:30:20,915 --> 01:30:22,499
That's better. OK.
1855
01:30:22,625 --> 01:30:25,001
l am putting you
on a probationary period
1856
01:30:25,128 --> 01:30:28,171
from today,
until the end of recorded time.
1857
01:30:28,297 --> 01:30:30,173
- All right.
- Do you understand?
1858
01:30:30,299 --> 01:30:32,008
- Yes.
- You're my guy now. Right?
1859
01:30:32,135 --> 01:30:36,388
l own you. You are my Kunta Kinte.
Go and get your fucking laptop.
1860
01:30:38,558 --> 01:30:42,144
Mr Ambassador, with your big, baldy
head, you are spoiling us! A word?
1861
01:30:42,270 --> 01:30:43,854
Excuse us, just for a second.
1862
01:30:43,980 --> 01:30:48,775
l'm pleased to be able to tell you that,
by some huge effort on my behalf,
1863
01:30:48,901 --> 01:30:52,863
l've brought your vote forward
by an hour and a half. Say "thank you".
1864
01:30:52,989 --> 01:30:55,949
- Great. Well, l need it delayed now.
- Very funny.
1865
01:30:56,075 --> 01:30:57,659
By an hour, at least.
1866
01:30:57,785 --> 01:31:01,663
Well, actually, two and a half hours,
now that you've brought it forward.
1867
01:31:01,789 --> 01:31:05,709
No. l will not put myself through that
humiliation again. l'm just not doing it.
1868
01:31:07,044 --> 01:31:10,380
Right. (clears throat)
What can l say? Erm. . .
1869
01:31:10,506 --> 01:31:14,092
Ah, right, Frank and Nancy Sinatra.
l've got good news for you.
1870
01:31:14,218 --> 01:31:17,304
You're notfired.
That's great news, isn't it?
1871
01:31:17,430 --> 01:31:20,891
- Well, it sounds ominous.
- We want to get Liza Weld's PWlP PlP
1872
01:31:21,017 --> 01:31:24,561
out there properly,
in the public domain.
1873
01:31:24,687 --> 01:31:26,646
We just need to refine it a bit.
1874
01:31:26,772 --> 01:31:28,857
- What do you want to refine?
- Just mess it up.
1875
01:31:28,983 --> 01:31:31,735
Move the paragraphs. Change
the name of the main informant.
1876
01:31:31,861 --> 01:31:35,447
- Well, that's a complete fabrication.
- Changing his name doesn't matter.
1877
01:31:35,573 --> 01:31:38,450
Do you think
he's reallycalled lce Man? Huh?
1878
01:31:38,576 --> 01:31:41,411
"To Mr and Mrs Man, a son. . . lce."
1879
01:31:41,537 --> 01:31:44,748
- So, change it to another name.
(on CD): # Sonata for Violin and Piano
1880
01:31:44,874 --> 01:31:46,958
What's the name
of the fuck with the fiddle?
1881
01:31:47,084 --> 01:31:48,919
- This happens to be Debussy.
- Debussy.
1882
01:31:49,045 --> 01:31:52,255
- Well, we'll change it to Debussy, then.
- No, we will not!
1883
01:31:52,381 --> 01:31:55,091
Now, your prints
are gonna be all over this, Michael,
1884
01:31:55,218 --> 01:31:57,969
but that's the only way
you can save your job, you leaky fuck.
1885
01:31:58,095 --> 01:31:59,888
- Don't make me do this.
- lt wasn't him.
1886
01:32:00,014 --> 01:32:03,808
Somebody must have come in there
and used the fax machine.
1887
01:32:03,935 --> 01:32:05,810
- lt could have been anyone.
- Fax machine?
1888
01:32:05,937 --> 01:32:09,022
Ah, no! (laughs) Don't worry about that.
1889
01:32:09,148 --> 01:32:11,233
No, l made that up.
1890
01:32:11,359 --> 01:32:13,777
No, the document
was leaked by e-mail.
1891
01:32:13,903 --> 01:32:16,780
lt's just, the fax machine was there,
and it's easier to kick.
1892
01:32:16,906 --> 01:32:19,199
Come on, Thick White Duke!
1893
01:32:19,325 --> 01:32:21,826
- Don't shout at. . .
- Come with me.
1894
01:32:21,953 --> 01:32:24,788
Right, OK. ls it up? Have you got it up?
1895
01:32:24,914 --> 01:32:26,456
Yeah, it's all fine.
1896
01:32:26,582 --> 01:32:29,000
OK. Cut the top paragraph
and paste it into page 5.
1897
01:32:29,126 --> 01:32:30,502
Right, yeah, we've done it.
1898
01:32:30,628 --> 01:32:33,004
Page 6 - get rid of the footnotes.
1899
01:32:33,130 --> 01:32:34,256
Done.
1900
01:32:34,382 --> 01:32:36,716
- Go to page 9.
- Go to page 9.
1901
01:32:36,842 --> 01:32:39,678
Highlight from that page
to the end of the document.
1902
01:32:39,804 --> 01:32:42,472
- Go on, do it.
- The caveats?
1903
01:32:42,598 --> 01:32:45,183
- OK. Delete.
- Right, OK, we're doing it. Delete it.
1904
01:32:45,309 --> 01:32:48,937
You can't delete
the arguments against the war.
1905
01:32:49,063 --> 01:32:52,649
Oh. There's a shake of the head here,
Malc. l think he's crashed.
1906
01:32:52,775 --> 01:32:54,442
Give him a thump - that usually works.
1907
01:32:54,569 --> 01:32:56,528
Let me try
a wee bit of manual override.
1908
01:32:56,654 --> 01:33:00,657
Let's see if it is possible to delete
the arguments against the war.
1909
01:33:00,783 --> 01:33:03,535
Hey! You coulddelete it, after all.
lt's done.
1910
01:33:03,661 --> 01:33:05,662
Great. Now, attach that to an e-mail.
1911
01:33:05,788 --> 01:33:07,289
Yes, done it. Done it.
1912
01:33:07,415 --> 01:33:09,332
Let's find a printer.
1913
01:33:09,458 --> 01:33:12,043
- Right.
- The Japanese. They'll have a printer.
1914
01:33:13,045 --> 01:33:15,505
- Well, we can't just present it like this.
- No, we can't.
1915
01:33:15,631 --> 01:33:17,757
Go and get me a blue folder.
1916
01:33:17,883 --> 01:33:19,968
- Well, OK. Where from?
- l don't know.
1917
01:33:20,094 --> 01:33:24,180
l've never been in a fucking stationery
cupboard. l do my shagging in hotels.
1918
01:33:24,307 --> 01:33:26,349
LlNTON:
Just take out all the conditionals.
1919
01:33:26,475 --> 01:33:31,062
Like, "might" becomes. . . lnstead of
"might have found", "have found". OK?
1920
01:33:35,109 --> 01:33:37,902
Be audacious.
Just re-write the whole damn thing.
1921
01:33:39,196 --> 01:33:40,196
Ohh. . .
1922
01:33:40,323 --> 01:33:42,866
LlNTON: Declarative sentences -
that's what l want.
1923
01:33:42,992 --> 01:33:44,868
- Take 'em all out.
- Linton, come here.
1924
01:33:44,994 --> 01:33:47,746
- What is it?
- The intel your guys couldn't find.
1925
01:33:47,872 --> 01:33:49,914
Yeah?
1926
01:33:53,544 --> 01:33:58,131
l think that l am owed
a massive, grovelling apology.
1927
01:33:58,257 --> 01:34:01,092
Congratulations, huh?
1928
01:34:01,218 --> 01:34:03,261
Maybe they'll give you a knighthood.
1929
01:34:04,263 --> 01:34:05,930
A pleasure doing business with you.
1930
01:34:06,057 --> 01:34:08,933
You know,
l've come across a lot of psychos. . .
1931
01:34:09,060 --> 01:34:12,312
but none as fucking boring as you.
1932
01:34:12,438 --> 01:34:15,482
l mean, you are a real, boring fuck.
1933
01:34:15,608 --> 01:34:18,943
- Sorry. l know you dislike swearing.
- No, that's all right.
1934
01:34:19,070 --> 01:34:25,450
So, l'll sort that out.
You are a boring F star-star cunt.
1935
01:34:29,038 --> 01:34:31,539
- Are we pretty much. . .
- Everything as you requested.
1936
01:34:31,666 --> 01:34:34,084
Fine. Good. Ah, welcome aboard, Liza.
1937
01:34:35,294 --> 01:34:37,754
l will make this brief and to the point.
1938
01:34:37,880 --> 01:34:41,299
We're gonna go in,
we're going to state our case,
1939
01:34:41,425 --> 01:34:44,844
with new British intelligence
from source Debussy,
1940
01:34:44,970 --> 01:34:47,764
we win the argument,
we get the hell out. All right?
1941
01:34:47,890 --> 01:34:51,976
CHAlR PERSON:
Resolution 2238 is passed.
1942
01:34:52,978 --> 01:34:55,313
- Yeah. That's that, then.
(mobile rings)
1943
01:34:56,357 --> 01:34:57,273
Yeah?
1944
01:34:57,400 --> 01:35:00,443
Jolly good. "That's that, then,"
is your line for the ages, is it?
1945
01:35:00,569 --> 01:35:01,945
What?
1946
01:35:03,030 --> 01:35:05,615
Well, l remember,
the day that war was declared,
1947
01:35:05,741 --> 01:35:08,618
l turned to the Minister, and he said. . .
1948
01:35:08,744 --> 01:35:12,122
"That's that, then.
Anyone want a mint?"
1949
01:35:12,248 --> 01:35:14,290
Piss off, Toby.
1950
01:35:16,043 --> 01:35:19,170
- How long before British troops...
JAMlE: Well done, Michael.
1951
01:35:19,296 --> 01:35:22,632
You did a really, really, really good job.
1952
01:35:23,676 --> 01:35:25,635
Oh, for fuck's sake, don't cry.
1953
01:35:28,180 --> 01:35:31,391
l e-mailed my resignation
five minutes ago.
1954
01:35:31,517 --> 01:35:35,228
And yours should come pretty soon,
for the biggest media impact.
1955
01:35:35,354 --> 01:35:37,063
- l've been thinking.
- Yeah?
1956
01:35:38,691 --> 01:35:41,568
This has been the hardest
political decision of my career.
1957
01:35:42,570 --> 01:35:44,904
l'm not going to resign.
1958
01:35:45,030 --> 01:35:47,991
Huh ! What the fuck, George?
1959
01:35:48,117 --> 01:35:50,118
Before the war, l was going to resign,
1960
01:35:50,244 --> 01:35:54,330
but now that there's a war on. . .
l can't resign.
1961
01:35:54,457 --> 01:35:58,126
You said that this was intolerable.
You said we would go together.
1962
01:35:58,252 --> 01:36:01,337
lt is intolerable,
but l'm going to have to tolerate it.
1963
01:36:01,464 --> 01:36:04,340
And l still agree with myself on that.
1964
01:36:04,467 --> 01:36:07,010
But my loyalty is to the kids.
l am a soldier.
1965
01:36:07,136 --> 01:36:09,095
You're not a soldier.
1966
01:36:10,389 --> 01:36:12,640
- l've been a soldier my whole life.
- Yeah?
1967
01:36:12,767 --> 01:36:15,018
What do you mean, l'm not a soldier?
l'm a soldier.
1968
01:36:15,144 --> 01:36:17,854
Look at the uniform - you think
l'm one of the Village People?
1969
01:36:17,980 --> 01:36:20,857
When did you shoot a guy last?
1970
01:36:20,983 --> 01:36:23,693
Oh, not shooting someone in 1 5 years
means l'm not a soldier?
1971
01:36:23,819 --> 01:36:26,905
You know, the Army doesn't make you
drag some bloody corpse
1972
01:36:27,031 --> 01:36:30,450
into the Pentagon every five years,
to renew your "soldier's licence".
1973
01:36:30,576 --> 01:36:34,662
lt's unnecessary! And if you were
a good general, you'd have some balls!
1974
01:36:34,789 --> 01:36:37,457
Look, shut up about my balls.
My balls have been around.
1975
01:36:37,583 --> 01:36:39,959
You've got no idea
where my balls have been.
1976
01:36:40,085 --> 01:36:43,046
l can talk about your balls all you want,
cos l remember when. . .
1977
01:36:43,172 --> 01:36:46,424
Oh, l fucked you once 20 years ago,
and l never hear the end of it!
1978
01:36:46,550 --> 01:36:50,553
Every time we're together, l hear
this shit. l don't even remember it!
1979
01:36:50,679 --> 01:36:53,473
Come on, Chad. We have to draft
resignation announcements.
1980
01:36:53,599 --> 01:36:56,768
Actually, l think l might stay
with the General, if that's OK.
1981
01:36:56,894 --> 01:37:00,730
lf he's staying, l might stay with him,
see what assistance l can furnish.
1982
01:37:00,856 --> 01:37:04,400
OK. . .General Shrek
and his faithful, talking donkey.
1983
01:37:04,527 --> 01:37:06,778
- That was nice.
- OK, well done.
1984
01:37:06,904 --> 01:37:09,739
- What are you sticking around for?
- Well, to let you know
1985
01:37:09,865 --> 01:37:11,908
that l think you've got. . .
1986
01:37:12,952 --> 01:37:14,744
. .big balls. . .
1987
01:37:14,870 --> 01:37:19,082
- lt's like. . .two-thirds of the snowman.
- Dear God.
1988
01:37:21,001 --> 01:37:23,002
- We did it, Bob, huh?
- Yes, we did, sir.
1989
01:37:23,128 --> 01:37:25,505
There were a few moments
where it got a little hairy.
1990
01:37:25,631 --> 01:37:27,090
No, there weren't.
1991
01:37:29,802 --> 01:37:31,886
No, no, no, Simon. No, no, listen.
1992
01:37:32,012 --> 01:37:34,472
Hey, hey, hey.
Look, look, look. No, no, no.
1993
01:37:37,643 --> 01:37:40,520
- You still don't need to resign.
- l do.
1994
01:37:40,646 --> 01:37:42,522
l'm resigning in an hour,
1995
01:37:42,648 --> 01:37:45,483
and there's nothing
you can do about it now.
1996
01:37:45,609 --> 01:37:47,694
- Boss. . .
BOTH: Yes?
1997
01:37:47,820 --> 01:37:50,780
Erm. . .
it's all over the BBC News websites.
1998
01:37:50,906 --> 01:37:54,117
Partial collapse of the wall.
Mrs Michaelson's greenhouse.
1999
01:37:54,243 --> 01:37:55,994
Obviously, a pane's been smashed.
2000
01:37:56,120 --> 01:37:58,496
The BBC
must have had a crew down there.
2001
01:37:58,622 --> 01:38:00,999
(laughs) God, how ridiculous!
2002
01:38:01,125 --> 01:38:03,167
And that's news?
2003
01:38:04,211 --> 01:38:06,170
lt's not ridiculous.
2004
01:38:06,297 --> 01:38:09,716
lt's not ridiculous at all. . . You're fired.
2005
01:38:10,801 --> 01:38:12,719
What?
2006
01:38:12,845 --> 01:38:16,180
Over the wall -
l mean, that's just not tolerable.
2007
01:38:16,307 --> 01:38:19,309
lt's a fucking wall, Malcolm.
2008
01:38:19,435 --> 01:38:21,185
Look. Give me the paper.
2009
01:38:21,312 --> 01:38:25,607
The Telegraph has a cartoon of you
teetering on the Great Wall of China,
2010
01:38:25,733 --> 01:38:28,818
suggesting you are the only
political fuck-up visible from space.
2011
01:38:28,944 --> 01:38:31,404
Look at this. Look at it.
2012
01:38:31,530 --> 01:38:33,573
No-one could survive this.
2013
01:38:34,533 --> 01:38:38,161
The PM's very clear about this.
You're sacked - over the wall.
2014
01:38:38,287 --> 01:38:40,371
- No.
- Yes!
2015
01:38:40,497 --> 01:38:44,417
No. You-You-You haven't
even spoken to the Prime Minister.
2016
01:38:44,543 --> 01:38:45,835
l-l-l have.
2017
01:38:45,961 --> 01:38:48,671
You fucking haven't!
l've been here in front of you.
2018
01:38:48,797 --> 01:38:52,884
l have spoken to the PM. Whether it
happenedor not is irrelevant. lt is true.
2019
01:38:53,010 --> 01:38:56,554
And he was very clear -
you've got to go.
2020
01:38:59,183 --> 01:39:00,934
Ha!
2021
01:39:02,770 --> 01:39:05,063
lf you think l'm going quietly,
Malcolm. . .
2022
01:39:06,899 --> 01:39:08,858
. .you've. . . you've made a mistake.
2023
01:39:08,984 --> 01:39:12,111
Well, if you want to turn this
into some anti-war protest,
2024
01:39:12,237 --> 01:39:16,199
expect to hear your "mountain
of conflict" sound-bite everywhere.
2025
01:39:16,325 --> 01:39:20,620
From ring-tones to fucking. . .
a dance mix on YouTube.
2026
01:39:20,746 --> 01:39:25,833
And l will marshal
all the media forces of darkness,
2027
01:39:25,960 --> 01:39:28,294
to hound you to an assisted suicide.
2028
01:39:29,546 --> 01:39:33,049
Right-ho. Let's just go and draft your. . .
"Dear Prime Minster,
2029
01:39:33,175 --> 01:39:37,011
Just a quick note to say,
'Thanks for giving me the sack,"' letter.
2030
01:39:39,014 --> 01:39:41,140
MALCOLM:
Off we trot.
2031
01:39:41,266 --> 01:39:43,309
Come on, young Simon.
2032
01:39:54,488 --> 01:39:57,949
Erm. . .General Miller. . .sorry.
l know this is an awkward time to be. . .
2033
01:39:58,075 --> 01:40:00,159
Go fuck yourself, Frodo.
2034
01:40:00,285 --> 01:40:02,161
OK.
2035
01:40:02,287 --> 01:40:04,455
(mutters):
You can fuck off yourself, then.
2036
01:40:10,963 --> 01:40:14,132
- Are you hanging, Chad?
- Just. . . hanging.
2037
01:40:14,258 --> 01:40:17,677
- Wanna play some Facebook chess?
- Yes, ma'am.
2038
01:40:17,803 --> 01:40:20,179
Just get away from the wall !
What are you doing?
2039
01:40:20,305 --> 01:40:21,931
l just want a photo near the wall.
2040
01:40:22,057 --> 01:40:25,977
Yeah, you can go back
another 1 2 inches. No, a bit further.
2041
01:40:26,103 --> 01:40:28,479
- There?
- Stop there!
2042
01:40:28,605 --> 01:40:30,314
CHAD:
Check. (chuckles)
2043
01:40:30,441 --> 01:40:32,400
KAREN:
l haven't touched it.
2044
01:40:32,526 --> 01:40:36,487
CHAD: l made a move for you, which is
the best move possible, and it's still. . .
2045
01:40:36,613 --> 01:40:39,824
KAREN: You might be Secretary
of State someday, young man.
2046
01:40:40,701 --> 01:40:42,952
CHAD: You. . . Don't say that
if you don't mean that.
2047
01:40:43,078 --> 01:40:48,124
TOBY: When, you know, all of this shit
is over, maybe, you know. . .
2048
01:40:48,250 --> 01:40:51,627
You're a woman. . . l'm not a woman.
2049
01:40:54,298 --> 01:40:56,257
You wanna have sex again?
2050
01:40:57,342 --> 01:40:59,761
Well, would it be such a terrible idea?
2051
01:40:59,887 --> 01:41:01,929
You know - one more.
2052
01:41:02,056 --> 01:41:04,307
"One more for the Gipper."
2053
01:41:04,433 --> 01:41:07,310
Well, l don't want to be accused
of micro-managing,
2054
01:41:07,436 --> 01:41:11,564
but l cannot understand
why "l Heart Huckabees"
2055
01:41:11,690 --> 01:41:16,486
is on a list of DVDs considered suitable
for armed-forces entertainment.
2056
01:41:16,612 --> 01:41:21,991
That self-indulgent crap
is not suitable for combat troops.
2057
01:41:22,117 --> 01:41:25,536
l've got a selection of the quotations
here for you.
2058
01:41:25,662 --> 01:41:29,040
l mean, they're all local building firms.
Much of a muchness.
2059
01:41:29,166 --> 01:41:31,459
You know,
to sort out the boundary wall.
2060
01:41:31,585 --> 01:41:34,712
But the. . . this septic tank. . .
2061
01:41:34,838 --> 01:41:37,590
That is rearing its pooey head again.
2062
01:41:37,716 --> 01:41:38,549
Yes.
2063
01:41:38,675 --> 01:41:42,470
l just got off the phone with Linton,
who proceeded to bitch me out,
2064
01:41:42,596 --> 01:41:46,390
for allowing "l Heart Huckabees"
on the troops' DVD roster.
2065
01:41:46,517 --> 01:41:49,852
Yeah. You know that phrase,
"l'm too old for this shit"?
2066
01:41:49,978 --> 01:41:52,230
Well, l'm too young for this shit.
You know?
2067
01:41:52,356 --> 01:41:55,525
MALCOLM: Here's the new Minister.
- Malcolm !
2068
01:41:55,651 --> 01:41:57,568
- There she is.
- Ladies and gentlemen.
2069
01:41:57,694 --> 01:42:00,530
- Look at you !
- Thank you. Thank you. How touching.
2070
01:42:00,656 --> 01:42:03,157
- Minister, how are you doing?
- Very well indeed.
2071
01:42:03,283 --> 01:42:06,035
- You've lost some weight.
- Hello. Judy Molloy.
2072
01:42:06,161 --> 01:42:10,164
- Nice to meet you. This is Dan.
- Danny. Dan. Special Advisor.
2073
01:42:10,290 --> 01:42:12,625
- Danny Dan?
- War seems to be going great guns.
2074
01:42:12,751 --> 01:42:16,170
- Oh, very cheeky! Very cheeky.
- Judy, have l got a desk out here?
2075
01:42:16,296 --> 01:42:19,882
- Careful. There's blood on the deck.
- Er. . .yeah, sure. You can use that one.
2076
01:42:20,008 --> 01:42:23,803
MALCOLM: How about this? You can't
get better than this. Very glamorous.
2077
01:42:23,929 --> 01:42:26,889
MlNlSTER: lt's a side-step
from my previous job, but that's fine.
2078
01:42:27,015 --> 01:42:29,517
MALCOLM:
l think there's a wee bit of brains there.
2079
01:42:29,643 --> 01:42:31,602
lt's the only brains that he had, actually.
2080
01:42:31,728 --> 01:42:34,063
Nice to meet you, Dan.
Where did you go to school?
2081
01:42:34,189 --> 01:42:37,316
- Erm. . .just a school in Jersey.
- ln Jersey?
2082
01:42:37,442 --> 01:42:39,193
- ls that actually Britain?
- Yeah.
2083
01:42:39,319 --> 01:42:43,072
MALCOLM: l'm sorry, but l've been
standing here for 20 minutes. . .
2084
01:45:24,818 --> 01:45:26,777
MALCOLM:
Let's see you.
2085
01:45:26,903 --> 01:45:31,782
Look at the hair on this. Who let this
woman out with fucking hair like this,
2086
01:45:31,908 --> 01:45:34,076
on national television?
2087
01:45:34,202 --> 01:45:37,955
You'd think she's got her finger
stuck in a fucking electric socket.
2088
01:45:38,081 --> 01:45:39,790
Unbelievable.
2089
01:45:39,916 --> 01:45:41,792
itfc subtitles
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