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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:32,492 Attention, please. 2 00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:35,001 Alitalia announces the immediate departure... 3 00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:41,203 of flight AZ-611 nonstop New York to Rome. 4 00:06:21,463 --> 00:06:24,660 Ladies and gentlemen, we are now approaching... 5 00:06:24,699 --> 00:06:26,827 Leonardo Da Vinci Airport near Rome. 6 00:06:26,869 --> 00:06:30,965 Please fasten your cigarettes and extinguish your seat belts. 7 00:06:31,006 --> 00:06:32,531 We thank you for your patronage... 8 00:06:32,575 --> 00:06:35,511 and sincerely hope that you have enjoyed your flight. 9 00:06:35,546 --> 00:06:36,807 Thank you. 10 00:06:57,204 --> 00:06:58,932 Your name, please. 11 00:06:58,972 --> 00:07:01,372 Armbruster. Wendell Armbruster Jr. 12 00:07:01,409 --> 00:07:03,899 - You are from where? - Baltimore. 13 00:07:03,944 --> 00:07:05,936 It says all that right on the... 14 00:07:05,980 --> 00:07:08,107 - Your profession? - Executive. 15 00:07:08,149 --> 00:07:09,810 If you must know, I'm vice president... 16 00:07:09,851 --> 00:07:11,819 of Armbruster Industries. 17 00:07:11,854 --> 00:07:14,481 What is purpose of your visit to Italy? 18 00:07:14,522 --> 00:07:16,149 To pick up a body. 19 00:07:16,191 --> 00:07:17,820 A body? 20 00:07:17,861 --> 00:07:19,828 A corpse. 21 00:07:19,863 --> 00:07:22,162 Whose corpse? Maybe Dr. Fleischmann? 22 00:07:22,199 --> 00:07:23,996 Dr. Fleischmann? 23 00:07:24,035 --> 00:07:26,502 The man whose passport you are using. 24 00:07:26,536 --> 00:07:29,199 Wait a minute. I can explain that. 25 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,867 He and I exchanged clothes. We forgot to exchange passports. 26 00:07:31,909 --> 00:07:33,878 He must be around here somewhere. 27 00:07:42,689 --> 00:07:44,554 I was on the golf course... 28 00:07:44,592 --> 00:07:46,719 when I got the bad news about my father. 29 00:07:46,759 --> 00:07:48,852 He was killed in an automobile accident in Ischia. 30 00:07:48,895 --> 00:07:50,057 I only had 30 minutes... 31 00:07:50,097 --> 00:07:51,428 to make the funeral arrangements... 32 00:07:51,465 --> 00:07:53,762 if I was to catch the plane. I had no time to change. 33 00:07:53,801 --> 00:07:55,531 And how would it look if I showed up here... 34 00:07:55,569 --> 00:07:57,561 in plaid pants and a red cardigan? 35 00:08:04,614 --> 00:08:06,172 This way, Dr. Fleischmann. 36 00:08:06,214 --> 00:08:09,844 I am not Dr. Fleischmann. I'm Mr. Armbruster! 37 00:08:09,887 --> 00:08:14,187 I'm not Mr. Armbruster. I'm Dr. Fleischmann. 38 00:08:14,224 --> 00:08:15,987 I just did this guy a favor. 39 00:08:16,026 --> 00:08:19,190 Tells me his father is dead. What am I going to do? 40 00:08:19,229 --> 00:08:21,391 There he is. 41 00:08:22,567 --> 00:08:24,365 That's him! 42 00:08:25,371 --> 00:08:27,999 What the hell did you get me into? 43 00:08:28,039 --> 00:08:29,804 I'm sorry. 44 00:08:29,842 --> 00:08:31,969 This is his passport. 45 00:08:32,011 --> 00:08:33,478 Here. 46 00:08:33,512 --> 00:08:35,276 That is mine. 47 00:08:38,417 --> 00:08:40,511 - OK? All clear? - Yes. 48 00:08:40,554 --> 00:08:42,648 - May I go now? - No. 49 00:08:42,690 --> 00:08:43,657 Why not? 50 00:08:43,691 --> 00:08:45,285 Because passport must be stamped. 51 00:08:45,327 --> 00:08:46,351 Then stamp it. 52 00:08:46,395 --> 00:08:49,523 You have to go back to end of line. 53 00:08:49,564 --> 00:08:51,429 Look, I know you foreigners. 54 00:08:51,467 --> 00:08:53,434 I know how you love to push Americans around... 55 00:08:53,469 --> 00:08:56,564 but my father's lying in a morgue someplace! 56 00:08:56,606 --> 00:08:58,540 I've got to get a train to Naples... 57 00:08:58,574 --> 00:08:59,768 and a boat to Ischia... 58 00:08:59,809 --> 00:09:01,401 and if you guys give me a bad time... 59 00:09:01,444 --> 00:09:03,538 if there is the slightest hitch... 60 00:09:03,581 --> 00:09:04,775 if I don't get him back to Baltimore... 61 00:09:04,816 --> 00:09:06,339 in time for that funeral on Tuesday... 62 00:09:06,384 --> 00:09:08,909 there's going to be such a scandal! 63 00:09:24,438 --> 00:09:26,031 God almighty. 64 00:09:38,287 --> 00:09:40,221 Eulogy, first draft. 65 00:09:42,091 --> 00:09:47,030 We have gathered here to bid good-bye to a good man... 66 00:09:47,064 --> 00:09:49,998 a rare man, a much-beloved man. 67 00:09:50,034 --> 00:09:52,559 Wendell Armbruster Sr... 68 00:09:52,603 --> 00:09:54,264 was an old-fashioned man. 69 00:09:54,305 --> 00:09:57,365 I mean that in the noblest sense of the word. 70 00:09:57,408 --> 00:10:00,104 In these days of defeatism and disillusionment... 71 00:10:00,145 --> 00:10:02,705 he was one who believed in duty to his country... 72 00:10:02,748 --> 00:10:07,550 devotion to his family, and dedication to his work. 73 00:10:07,587 --> 00:10:08,782 Not bad. 74 00:10:10,391 --> 00:10:15,727 He died suddenly and tragically... 75 00:10:15,764 --> 00:10:17,822 far away from his loved ones... 76 00:10:17,865 --> 00:10:21,165 alone in a distant land where he used to go... 77 00:10:21,201 --> 00:10:24,398 to rest his mind and heal his body. 78 00:10:33,417 --> 00:10:37,751 He was a philanthropist, a pillar of the church... 79 00:10:37,789 --> 00:10:40,655 a tireless crusader of all that is decent... 80 00:10:40,690 --> 00:10:43,660 and an ensign in the Coast Guard during World War II. 81 00:10:43,694 --> 00:10:46,924 Friends, if I may borrow... 82 00:10:46,964 --> 00:10:48,262 Yes? 83 00:10:48,299 --> 00:10:51,201 I was wondering, are you Mr. Armbruster? 84 00:10:51,237 --> 00:10:52,897 I'm certainly not Dr. Fleischmann... 85 00:10:52,938 --> 00:10:54,428 so don't you start now. 86 00:10:54,474 --> 00:10:55,805 Why are you shouting at me? 87 00:10:55,841 --> 00:10:58,436 Yes, my name is Armbruster, but what about it? 88 00:10:58,477 --> 00:11:00,036 I thought that's what you'd look like... 89 00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:02,548 but I didn't expect you to be so rude. 90 00:11:07,220 --> 00:11:08,449 What the... 91 00:11:09,991 --> 00:11:13,950 Friends, if I may borrow the words of a famous poet... 92 00:11:13,995 --> 00:11:17,363 "Lives of great men all remind us..." 93 00:11:52,839 --> 00:11:56,435 Excuse me, but are you following me? 94 00:11:56,478 --> 00:11:58,275 No, not really. 95 00:11:58,312 --> 00:12:00,839 Yes, and how come you know my name? 96 00:12:00,883 --> 00:12:02,441 I know a lot of things about you. 97 00:12:02,484 --> 00:12:05,543 You're 42, you live in Baltimore... 98 00:12:05,587 --> 00:12:07,248 you have a wife and two children... 99 00:12:07,290 --> 00:12:08,449 and you're a former president... 100 00:12:08,490 --> 00:12:11,015 of the Junior Chamber of Commerce. 101 00:12:11,059 --> 00:12:13,528 You read the Newsweek article, right? 102 00:12:13,563 --> 00:12:14,758 Business and Finance. 103 00:12:17,868 --> 00:12:19,893 Incredible, isn't it? 104 00:12:19,938 --> 00:12:21,700 The weather, I mean. 105 00:12:21,740 --> 00:12:24,106 Especially to someone who lives in London. 106 00:12:24,142 --> 00:12:25,973 Last year, summer was two days in June... 107 00:12:26,011 --> 00:12:28,412 and three days in August. 108 00:12:28,446 --> 00:12:30,312 Have you ever been to Italy before? 109 00:12:30,348 --> 00:12:32,714 - No. - Neither have I. 110 00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:36,416 As a matter of fact, I've never been anyplace. 111 00:12:36,455 --> 00:12:37,753 It's a little frightening... 112 00:12:37,791 --> 00:12:40,693 first time in a strange country. 113 00:12:40,727 --> 00:12:44,288 In Italian, everything sounds like it's from an opera. 114 00:12:47,969 --> 00:12:49,492 Do you know what that means? 115 00:12:49,537 --> 00:12:50,766 What? 116 00:12:50,805 --> 00:12:53,740 There's no soap in the bathroom. 117 00:12:53,776 --> 00:12:55,072 How about that? 118 00:12:55,109 --> 00:12:56,737 And when you're in a ristorante... 119 00:12:56,779 --> 00:12:58,611 that's a restaurant... 120 00:12:58,648 --> 00:13:02,050 do you know there are sixteen different kinds of pasta? 121 00:13:02,085 --> 00:13:04,576 Spaghetti, spagatini, macaroni... 122 00:13:04,621 --> 00:13:08,058 cannelloni, rigatoni, tortellini, fettuccini... 123 00:13:08,092 --> 00:13:11,528 manicotti, gnocchi, linguini, ravioli... 124 00:13:12,864 --> 00:13:15,730 Of course, I can't eat any of that. 125 00:13:15,767 --> 00:13:17,734 I don't know if you noticed... 126 00:13:17,769 --> 00:13:20,331 but I have this weight problem. 127 00:13:20,373 --> 00:13:22,273 I noticed that. 128 00:13:26,046 --> 00:13:29,379 And in the hotel, before a maid enters your room... 129 00:13:29,417 --> 00:13:32,316 she asks,"Permesso?" 130 00:13:32,353 --> 00:13:33,786 And if you want her to come in... 131 00:13:33,821 --> 00:13:36,256 you say, "Avanti." 132 00:13:36,290 --> 00:13:37,349 Forward. 133 00:13:38,926 --> 00:13:42,056 You should really get yourself this little book. 134 00:13:42,098 --> 00:13:45,295 I know all the Italian I need. 135 00:14:40,630 --> 00:14:43,428 My name is Carlucci. Carlo Carlucci. 136 00:14:43,467 --> 00:14:45,299 I am the director of the hotel. 137 00:14:45,336 --> 00:14:46,769 How do you do? 138 00:14:46,805 --> 00:14:48,467 I sorrow for you in your bereavement. 139 00:14:48,506 --> 00:14:49,530 Thank you. 140 00:14:49,574 --> 00:14:52,441 My deepest condolences... and my apologies. 141 00:14:52,477 --> 00:14:54,536 What are you apologizing for? 142 00:14:54,580 --> 00:14:57,639 That it should happen in Italy... 143 00:14:57,682 --> 00:14:59,617 on an Italian road in an Italian car. 144 00:14:59,653 --> 00:15:03,611 - He was a bad driver. - No. It was a bad curve. 145 00:15:03,656 --> 00:15:05,421 As Verdi said... 146 00:15:08,096 --> 00:15:10,395 An act of God. 147 00:15:10,431 --> 00:15:12,058 Where did they put him? Where is he? 148 00:15:12,101 --> 00:15:16,002 A very nice place. The municipal morgue. 149 00:15:16,038 --> 00:15:18,437 - What are we waiting for? - Your luggage. 150 00:15:18,474 --> 00:15:19,532 This is it. 151 00:15:54,482 --> 00:15:56,074 How far is the morgue? 152 00:15:56,117 --> 00:15:58,107 It is in the other direction. First we go to the hotel. 153 00:15:58,152 --> 00:15:59,586 Hold it. I want to see the old boy. 154 00:15:59,621 --> 00:16:01,179 The morgue, I'm afraid she is closed. 155 00:16:01,222 --> 00:16:03,281 It is the lunch hour. 156 00:16:03,324 --> 00:16:05,121 It's 2:30. 157 00:16:05,161 --> 00:16:07,595 In Italy, the lunch hour is from 1:00 to 4:00. 158 00:16:07,629 --> 00:16:09,496 Three hours for lunch? 159 00:16:12,102 --> 00:16:14,366 Here we do not rush to drugstore... 160 00:16:14,404 --> 00:16:17,100 for chicken sandwich and Coca-Cola. 161 00:16:17,141 --> 00:16:19,040 Here we take our time. 162 00:16:19,075 --> 00:16:22,807 We cook our pasta. We sprinkle our parmigiano. 163 00:16:22,847 --> 00:16:26,305 We drink our wine. We make our love. 164 00:16:26,350 --> 00:16:28,080 What do you do in the evening? 165 00:16:28,119 --> 00:16:31,112 In the evening, we go home to our wives. 166 00:16:41,534 --> 00:16:43,468 Crazy. 167 00:16:45,239 --> 00:16:47,867 Exactly how did the accident happen? 168 00:16:47,908 --> 00:16:49,934 I don't know exactly. 169 00:16:49,978 --> 00:16:52,709 It was a dark night, and there was that bad curve. 170 00:16:52,747 --> 00:16:55,342 Maybe he did not see it. Maybe he lost control. 171 00:16:55,384 --> 00:16:58,614 The car plunged straight down a vineyard... 200 meters. 172 00:16:58,654 --> 00:17:00,623 They must have been killed instantly. 173 00:17:00,657 --> 00:17:01,624 They? 174 00:17:01,657 --> 00:17:03,147 The police came, the fire department... 175 00:17:03,192 --> 00:17:04,557 were at the wreck. 176 00:17:04,594 --> 00:17:06,426 It took them hours to get the corpses out. 177 00:17:06,463 --> 00:17:09,762 What do you mean, corpses? How many were there? 178 00:17:11,268 --> 00:17:13,897 - Just two. - Two? 179 00:17:13,938 --> 00:17:16,907 You see, your father... 180 00:17:16,941 --> 00:17:19,240 he was not alone in the car when it happened. 181 00:17:19,278 --> 00:17:20,745 Who was with him? 182 00:17:20,779 --> 00:17:23,077 Nobody, really. Just an acquaintance. 183 00:17:23,116 --> 00:17:25,482 Another guest at the hotel. They went for a ride. 184 00:17:25,518 --> 00:17:27,418 It's beautiful out there. 185 00:17:27,454 --> 00:17:29,115 You can see the whole Bay of Naples... 186 00:17:29,155 --> 00:17:32,613 and Mount Vesuvius and Pompeii. 187 00:17:34,463 --> 00:17:36,055 Here we are. 188 00:17:53,316 --> 00:17:55,615 It sure doesn't look like a Hilton. 189 00:17:55,653 --> 00:17:57,212 I accept the compliment. 190 00:18:02,194 --> 00:18:04,423 This place will never be the same... 191 00:18:04,462 --> 00:18:07,056 now that your father has left us. 192 00:18:07,098 --> 00:18:08,430 I am Bruno, the valet. 193 00:18:08,467 --> 00:18:12,836 I hope you have a pleasant stay, considering. 194 00:18:12,871 --> 00:18:13,896 Thank you. 195 00:18:24,753 --> 00:18:26,947 I will take you to your father's suite. 196 00:18:26,988 --> 00:18:29,981 It is on the main floor because of his bad back. 197 00:18:30,025 --> 00:18:32,015 Sometimes he would get one of his spasms... 198 00:18:32,061 --> 00:18:34,255 and we had to carry him down to the mud bath. 199 00:18:34,296 --> 00:18:37,390 Poor bastard. He really suffered. 200 00:18:37,433 --> 00:18:40,962 It is the price you executives pay for success... 201 00:18:41,004 --> 00:18:43,666 decisions, pressures, anxieties. 202 00:18:43,707 --> 00:18:46,507 Naturally, the batteries wear out. 203 00:18:46,544 --> 00:18:48,808 The transistors break down. 204 00:18:51,748 --> 00:18:53,741 121-122. 205 00:18:56,387 --> 00:18:57,548 If you please. 206 00:19:24,586 --> 00:19:26,078 Nothing has been touched. 207 00:19:27,223 --> 00:19:29,556 He always had this suite for ten years... 208 00:19:29,593 --> 00:19:31,993 July 15th to August 15th. 209 00:19:56,356 --> 00:19:58,984 You must be tired. It's a long trip. 210 00:19:59,026 --> 00:19:59,993 I'm OK. 211 00:20:00,027 --> 00:20:01,254 While you are here... 212 00:20:01,295 --> 00:20:03,126 maybe you should take some mud baths. 213 00:20:03,165 --> 00:20:04,633 No, thanks. I had one on the train. 214 00:20:04,666 --> 00:20:05,792 On the train? 215 00:20:05,834 --> 00:20:07,665 I drank it. They call it espresso. 216 00:20:11,339 --> 00:20:14,968 Your father, he certainly blossomed here. 217 00:20:15,011 --> 00:20:16,501 And the day he would leave... 218 00:20:16,547 --> 00:20:19,413 he would put his arm around me and say, "Carlo..." 219 00:20:19,449 --> 00:20:21,543 He always called me Carlo... 220 00:20:21,585 --> 00:20:24,213 "What an idiot I am to go back to that rat race. 221 00:20:24,253 --> 00:20:25,812 "I wish I could stay here forever." 222 00:20:25,856 --> 00:20:27,984 To tell you the truth, when he first started coming here... 223 00:20:28,026 --> 00:20:29,493 I thought the place was a phony. 224 00:20:29,527 --> 00:20:30,755 A phony? 225 00:20:30,795 --> 00:20:33,492 All this nonsense about mud and underwater massages... 226 00:20:33,531 --> 00:20:35,693 and radioactive springs. Come on. 227 00:20:37,535 --> 00:20:39,094 You may not know it... 228 00:20:39,138 --> 00:20:42,039 but Ischia has been a health resort for 2,000 years. 229 00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:44,839 The emperor Tiberius came here for the gout. 230 00:20:44,878 --> 00:20:48,508 And De' Medici and Caruso and Sophia Loren. 231 00:20:48,549 --> 00:20:51,041 Sophia Loren has the gout? 232 00:20:51,085 --> 00:20:53,576 No. Here we cure everything. 233 00:20:53,621 --> 00:20:57,580 Take Michelangelo. He had trouble with his kidneys. 234 00:20:57,625 --> 00:20:59,752 He took the waters here and passed three stones. 235 00:20:59,794 --> 00:21:01,661 They're in the local museum. 236 00:21:11,009 --> 00:21:12,566 Shall I unpack for you? 237 00:21:12,610 --> 00:21:14,840 Just put it anywhere. 238 00:21:20,685 --> 00:21:22,653 Operator, I'd like to make... 239 00:21:22,688 --> 00:21:24,484 You're not out to lunch, are you? 240 00:21:24,523 --> 00:21:26,650 Good. I'd like to make an overseas phone call... 241 00:21:26,691 --> 00:21:28,957 to the United States... Baltimore, Maryland. 242 00:21:28,996 --> 00:21:30,691 Maryland. 243 00:21:32,365 --> 00:21:35,665 "M" as in Michelangelo. He used to stay here. 244 00:21:35,702 --> 00:21:37,671 You got it? 245 00:21:37,704 --> 00:21:40,435 Operator? Hello, operator? 246 00:21:40,475 --> 00:21:41,703 You still there? 247 00:21:43,678 --> 00:21:48,206 The number is 426-9956, area code... 248 00:21:49,718 --> 00:21:51,812 All right, I'll give it to you slowly. 249 00:21:56,726 --> 00:21:58,820 How you doing so far? 250 00:21:58,863 --> 00:22:01,889 Good. Area code 301. 251 00:22:01,933 --> 00:22:06,232 I want to speak to Mrs. Wendell Armbruster Jr. 252 00:22:08,507 --> 00:22:12,342 Yes, it was a great loss. That's very kind of you. 253 00:22:12,378 --> 00:22:14,505 Would you call me back, please? 254 00:22:21,689 --> 00:22:24,716 They must have liked my father around here. 255 00:22:24,758 --> 00:22:28,956 Yes. When the news came, everybody was crying. 256 00:22:28,997 --> 00:22:30,658 The orchestra in the restaurant... 257 00:22:30,699 --> 00:22:32,189 they stood around his empty table... 258 00:22:32,235 --> 00:22:34,169 and played all his favorite tunes. 259 00:22:34,202 --> 00:22:37,661 Is that so? As soon as the morgue opens... 260 00:22:37,707 --> 00:22:39,333 we'll go over and claim the body... 261 00:22:39,375 --> 00:22:41,003 and next, we'll make arrangements... 262 00:22:41,043 --> 00:22:42,443 First... 263 00:22:42,478 --> 00:22:43,968 there are certain formalities we must comply with. 264 00:22:44,013 --> 00:22:45,345 What formalities? 265 00:22:45,381 --> 00:22:47,509 You cannot walk into a foreign country... 266 00:22:47,551 --> 00:22:49,518 point to a body, and say, "That's my father..." 267 00:22:49,553 --> 00:22:50,850 and walk out with him. 268 00:22:50,888 --> 00:22:54,518 Why not? Do they think I go around collecting dead fathers? 269 00:22:54,559 --> 00:22:57,189 You have to fill out some official papers. 270 00:22:57,229 --> 00:22:59,629 Regulations about exporting a corpse, they are very strict. 271 00:22:59,732 --> 00:23:01,290 Everything must be in triplicate. 272 00:23:01,332 --> 00:23:03,325 A lot of crap. You fill them out, and I'll sign them. 273 00:23:03,370 --> 00:23:04,632 Certainly. And then there is... 274 00:23:04,670 --> 00:23:07,538 some additional crap to be dealt with. 275 00:23:07,573 --> 00:23:09,439 Such as? 276 00:23:09,476 --> 00:23:11,341 We will need a certificate that he did not die... 277 00:23:11,378 --> 00:23:13,813 from an infection or a contagious disease. 278 00:23:13,848 --> 00:23:15,145 Like what, mumps or measles? 279 00:23:15,183 --> 00:23:17,674 He died from driving over a cliff. 280 00:23:17,719 --> 00:23:18,810 Then we will need a certificate... 281 00:23:18,853 --> 00:23:21,516 that the body has been properly embalmed. 282 00:23:21,556 --> 00:23:24,286 We also need a mortuary passport... 283 00:23:24,326 --> 00:23:26,453 but this has to be issued by the authorities in Naples. 284 00:23:26,496 --> 00:23:28,963 Don't bother me with details. Just do it. 285 00:23:28,998 --> 00:23:32,126 You're exactly like your father. 286 00:23:32,168 --> 00:23:33,658 Then you will have to pay for the road sign... 287 00:23:33,703 --> 00:23:36,070 he knocked over... you know, "bad curve ahead." 288 00:23:36,107 --> 00:23:37,165 Pay it. 289 00:23:37,208 --> 00:23:39,676 Also, you will have to settle with the Trotta brothers. 290 00:23:39,710 --> 00:23:41,007 Who are they? 291 00:23:41,045 --> 00:23:43,173 They own the vineyard where the car went down. 292 00:23:43,214 --> 00:23:44,647 They want damages. 293 00:23:44,683 --> 00:23:46,845 Settle with them. 294 00:23:46,886 --> 00:23:48,877 They're asking 2 million lira. 295 00:23:48,921 --> 00:23:50,615 How much is that? 296 00:23:50,656 --> 00:23:52,488 $3,500. 297 00:23:52,525 --> 00:23:54,585 $3,500 for a bunch of lousy grapes? 298 00:23:54,627 --> 00:23:56,060 No. Let them sue. 299 00:23:56,095 --> 00:23:57,893 I agree. They are crooks. 300 00:23:57,931 --> 00:24:00,765 Then there is the problem with the coffin. 301 00:24:00,801 --> 00:24:02,564 What's the problem? 302 00:24:02,602 --> 00:24:05,596 For export, a special casket is required. 303 00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:07,574 It must be lined with zinc. 304 00:24:07,608 --> 00:24:10,304 It must be absolutely airtight. It must be... 305 00:24:10,346 --> 00:24:11,642 Get one. 306 00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:15,309 There are none in Ischia, but fortunately... 307 00:24:15,351 --> 00:24:17,444 I have located one in Amalfi. 308 00:24:18,454 --> 00:24:21,084 Then there's no problem, is there? 309 00:24:21,125 --> 00:24:22,649 Another thing... I want a helicopter standing by... 310 00:24:22,693 --> 00:24:24,160 to take me and the casket to Rome, so there won't be... 311 00:24:24,194 --> 00:24:25,661 any delay in catching the plane to Baltimore. 312 00:24:25,696 --> 00:24:27,095 The funeral's Tuesday. 313 00:24:27,132 --> 00:24:28,826 Tuesday? 314 00:24:28,866 --> 00:24:31,494 In the morning, 11:00, First Presbyterian Church. 315 00:24:31,536 --> 00:24:33,197 Impossible. You must postpone it. 316 00:24:34,372 --> 00:24:37,365 I what? What do you mean, postpone it? 317 00:24:38,710 --> 00:24:41,680 So many things to do. This is Saturday. 318 00:24:41,714 --> 00:24:43,876 Tomorrow is Sunday. Nobody works. 319 00:24:43,917 --> 00:24:46,214 Somebody will work. 320 00:24:46,253 --> 00:24:49,052 This is a Catholic country. 321 00:24:49,089 --> 00:24:52,149 Then we'll get a dispensation from the pope. 322 00:24:52,192 --> 00:24:54,320 For a Presbyterian? 323 00:24:54,362 --> 00:24:56,830 Get this... come hell or high water... 324 00:24:56,865 --> 00:24:58,093 I'm getting out of here by Monday... 325 00:24:58,133 --> 00:25:00,124 because at precisely 11:00 Tuesday... 326 00:25:00,168 --> 00:25:02,034 work at every Armbruster plant in the country... 327 00:25:02,071 --> 00:25:05,473 will come to a stop so that 216,000 employees... 328 00:25:05,509 --> 00:25:06,976 can watch the services... 329 00:25:07,010 --> 00:25:09,136 on closed-circuit television... in color... 330 00:25:09,179 --> 00:25:11,477 except for Puerto Rico. They get it in black and white. 331 00:25:11,516 --> 00:25:13,779 And there'll be governors there and senators and congressmen... 332 00:25:13,817 --> 00:25:16,343 and supreme court judges, the AFL-CIO... 333 00:25:16,387 --> 00:25:18,651 the glee club from the Coast Guard Academy. 334 00:25:18,688 --> 00:25:20,656 The White House is sending Dr. Kissinger... 335 00:25:20,690 --> 00:25:24,356 and you want me to postpone it? No way. 336 00:25:31,704 --> 00:25:34,173 Excuse me. I'm looking for Signore Carlucci. 337 00:25:34,207 --> 00:25:36,801 - They told me at the desk... - I am Signore Carlucci. 338 00:25:36,843 --> 00:25:39,039 How do you do? I'm Pamela Piggott. 339 00:25:41,549 --> 00:25:44,452 You are not supposed to be here. You are in 126. 340 00:25:44,486 --> 00:25:46,386 I know, but I need some help. 341 00:25:46,421 --> 00:25:48,150 All these questions, all in Italian. 342 00:25:48,190 --> 00:25:50,250 I will be glad to help, but not now. 343 00:25:50,293 --> 00:25:51,920 I will see you later. 344 00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:53,621 Damn it! 345 00:25:54,898 --> 00:25:58,333 The faucet says cold, and I burn my hands. 346 00:25:58,368 --> 00:25:59,800 So did I. 347 00:26:01,505 --> 00:26:03,631 Then I looked it up in my book. 348 00:26:03,674 --> 00:26:05,666 "C" stands for caldo... 349 00:26:05,709 --> 00:26:08,009 but that doesn't mean cold; it means hot. 350 00:26:08,046 --> 00:26:09,638 Freddo means cold. 351 00:26:09,681 --> 00:26:12,378 - It's you again. - Hello. 352 00:26:12,418 --> 00:26:14,715 - You know each other? - No, we don't. 353 00:26:14,753 --> 00:26:17,153 Yes, we do. We've been traveling together. 354 00:26:17,190 --> 00:26:19,658 On a train or a boat, there's nothing I can do about it... 355 00:26:19,692 --> 00:26:21,660 but when you come barging into my room... 356 00:26:21,694 --> 00:26:25,256 I assure you, I'm not trying to pick you up. 357 00:26:25,298 --> 00:26:27,823 I'm here to pick up my mother. 358 00:26:27,869 --> 00:26:30,862 They tell me I can't see her until after lunch. 359 00:26:30,905 --> 00:26:33,898 That's right. The place opens at 4:00. 360 00:26:35,277 --> 00:26:37,745 I hate going there. 361 00:26:37,779 --> 00:26:41,476 I'd much rather remember her the way she was... 362 00:26:41,517 --> 00:26:43,383 but I suppose it has to be done. 363 00:26:46,055 --> 00:26:48,114 Wait a minute. 364 00:26:52,230 --> 00:26:55,028 Your mother... where is she? 365 00:26:55,065 --> 00:26:56,829 In the morgue. 366 00:26:56,868 --> 00:26:59,530 What's she doing in the morgue? 367 00:26:59,571 --> 00:27:01,470 What do people usually do in the morgue? 368 00:27:01,506 --> 00:27:03,338 She's lying there... 369 00:27:03,375 --> 00:27:06,401 side by side with your father, I expect. 370 00:27:06,444 --> 00:27:09,643 Side by side with my father? Why? 371 00:27:09,683 --> 00:27:12,049 Because that's the way they were in the car... 372 00:27:12,085 --> 00:27:13,677 when the accident happened. 373 00:27:13,720 --> 00:27:16,155 I told you he was not alone. Don't you remember? 374 00:27:16,190 --> 00:27:17,783 My father and your mother? 375 00:27:17,824 --> 00:27:20,726 Why not? You know how it is in a resort hotel. 376 00:27:20,762 --> 00:27:23,424 People meet in the dining room or play backgammon or... 377 00:27:23,463 --> 00:27:26,661 I'm terribly sorry. I had no idea. 378 00:27:26,702 --> 00:27:28,168 Of course you didn't. 379 00:27:28,203 --> 00:27:30,229 I must have seemed like some sort of monster. 380 00:27:30,272 --> 00:27:32,605 Please forgive me, Miss... I don't even know your name. 381 00:27:34,544 --> 00:27:37,412 If there's anything at all that I can do for you... 382 00:27:37,447 --> 00:27:39,813 There is. Could I have some Kleenex? 383 00:27:39,849 --> 00:27:41,545 I will get it. 384 00:27:41,587 --> 00:27:44,180 Would you like some brandy? Perhaps you'd like to lie down. 385 00:27:44,222 --> 00:27:45,689 Please, don't worry about me. 386 00:27:45,723 --> 00:27:48,317 I don't know what to say. Somehow I feel responsible... 387 00:27:48,360 --> 00:27:50,759 because if my father hadn't been driving the car... 388 00:27:50,796 --> 00:27:52,731 You mustn't feel that way. 389 00:27:53,733 --> 00:27:56,395 If it had to happen, it was more or less ideal. 390 00:27:57,570 --> 00:28:02,167 Warm night, full moon, island in the Mediterranean. 391 00:28:02,208 --> 00:28:05,007 At the height of the season. What more could anyone ask? 392 00:28:06,013 --> 00:28:08,812 Of course, I'm completely at your disposal. 393 00:28:08,849 --> 00:28:11,409 Any difficulties, any expenses involved... 394 00:28:11,453 --> 00:28:12,477 Thank you. 395 00:28:12,520 --> 00:28:14,216 Wait until you hear about all the red tape. 396 00:28:14,258 --> 00:28:15,383 I heard. 397 00:28:15,425 --> 00:28:18,120 For instance, you need a coffin lined with some sort of metal. 398 00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:20,527 Zinc. You better get a couple of those. 399 00:28:20,564 --> 00:28:21,997 I had trouble finding one. 400 00:28:22,031 --> 00:28:24,761 Come on. You can dig up a couple of coffins. 401 00:28:24,801 --> 00:28:26,860 You want secondhand coffins? 402 00:28:30,107 --> 00:28:32,099 Is that Mrs. Armbruster Sr.? 403 00:28:32,142 --> 00:28:35,910 Yes. They would've been married forty-five years this fall. 404 00:28:35,947 --> 00:28:37,745 How sad. 405 00:28:38,717 --> 00:28:41,584 That's my wife Emily and the two boys. 406 00:28:42,589 --> 00:28:44,989 That's one thing I envy you Americans for. 407 00:28:45,025 --> 00:28:48,688 You're all so thin. How do you manage it? 408 00:28:48,729 --> 00:28:51,219 Swimming, horseback riding, golf. 409 00:28:51,264 --> 00:28:52,993 I've tried jogging on Hampstead Heath... 410 00:28:53,034 --> 00:28:54,898 at seven o'clock in the morning in a sweat suit... 411 00:28:54,935 --> 00:28:59,066 but I never worked up a sweat. I just worked up an appetite. 412 00:29:01,677 --> 00:29:03,668 Worked up an appetite. 413 00:29:06,182 --> 00:29:07,672 What's that? 414 00:29:08,684 --> 00:29:10,949 It's a nightgown. 415 00:29:11,854 --> 00:29:13,822 What's the meaning of that? 416 00:29:13,856 --> 00:29:15,484 - Of what? - That. 417 00:29:15,526 --> 00:29:18,256 That. It's a mistake. 418 00:29:22,300 --> 00:29:23,892 Here's another mistake. 419 00:29:23,935 --> 00:29:26,496 I want to know what those things are doing in here. 420 00:29:26,538 --> 00:29:28,166 If I am to get that second coffin... 421 00:29:28,207 --> 00:29:29,401 I had better call Amalfi. 422 00:29:29,441 --> 00:29:31,102 Hold it. I want an explanation. 423 00:29:31,142 --> 00:29:34,044 An explanation? Now, let me think. 424 00:29:34,080 --> 00:29:35,741 I'll help you. 425 00:29:35,781 --> 00:29:37,305 The valet forgot to pack these things... 426 00:29:37,350 --> 00:29:40,548 when he moved my mother's suitcases into room 126. 427 00:29:40,588 --> 00:29:41,576 Right? 428 00:29:42,723 --> 00:29:44,955 You just cannot get decent help these days. 429 00:29:44,992 --> 00:29:45,981 Time! 430 00:29:48,463 --> 00:29:49,988 You mean her mother and my father... 431 00:29:50,032 --> 00:29:51,192 were shacked up together? 432 00:29:51,233 --> 00:29:53,701 I don't particularly care for your choice of words. 433 00:29:53,735 --> 00:29:56,705 All right, they were making it. Is that any better? 434 00:29:56,739 --> 00:29:59,037 Just because two people are sharing the same suite... 435 00:29:59,074 --> 00:30:00,634 or the same... 436 00:30:00,678 --> 00:30:03,340 that does not mean there was anything improper going on. 437 00:30:03,380 --> 00:30:06,282 Now you're being insulting to my mother. 438 00:30:06,318 --> 00:30:08,547 She was a very beautiful woman. 439 00:30:08,587 --> 00:30:09,814 She was. 440 00:30:09,854 --> 00:30:11,880 And a lady. 441 00:30:11,923 --> 00:30:13,515 And your father was a gentleman. 442 00:30:13,557 --> 00:30:17,256 No matter how bad things look, you must believe me. 443 00:30:17,295 --> 00:30:19,286 I have an uncle who is in the college of cardinals. 444 00:30:19,331 --> 00:30:20,491 Would I lie to you? 445 00:30:20,532 --> 00:30:23,025 You're goddamned right. 446 00:30:25,304 --> 00:30:27,033 They were making it. 447 00:30:27,074 --> 00:30:29,474 Son of a bitch! 448 00:30:31,578 --> 00:30:33,308 Do you know how old he was? 449 00:30:33,348 --> 00:30:36,317 67. A grandfather... with a bad back, yet. 450 00:30:36,351 --> 00:30:38,045 I would be proud if my father was... 451 00:30:38,086 --> 00:30:39,816 Shut up. 452 00:30:39,854 --> 00:30:42,791 As for your mother, she ought to be ashamed of herself. 453 00:30:42,825 --> 00:30:44,384 My mother had nothing to be ashamed of. 454 00:30:44,428 --> 00:30:46,225 She was the perfect lady. 455 00:30:46,263 --> 00:30:47,890 Meets a rich elderly American in the lobby. 456 00:30:47,931 --> 00:30:49,831 One hour later, she's having drinks with him in the bar. 457 00:30:49,867 --> 00:30:51,663 Two hours later, she moves her things into his suite... 458 00:30:51,702 --> 00:30:52,998 and then... 459 00:30:53,036 --> 00:30:56,268 They didn't meet in the lobby. They met in the souvenir shop. 460 00:30:56,307 --> 00:30:59,139 What the hell difference does it make? 461 00:31:00,077 --> 00:31:02,238 That was ten years ago. 462 00:31:06,018 --> 00:31:07,452 Ten years? 463 00:31:09,422 --> 00:31:12,119 This has been going on for ten years? 464 00:31:12,159 --> 00:31:16,390 Every summer, July 15th to August 15th. 465 00:31:16,430 --> 00:31:17,692 You mean all the time that we thought... 466 00:31:17,731 --> 00:31:20,256 he was over here getting cured, he was getting laid? 467 00:31:21,402 --> 00:31:24,099 This is neither the time nor the place. 468 00:31:24,138 --> 00:31:26,437 Goddamn fool! 469 00:31:26,475 --> 00:31:28,670 Didn't he care what people think or say? 470 00:31:28,711 --> 00:31:30,611 Not to worry. It was all handled very discreetly. 471 00:31:30,646 --> 00:31:32,636 They were registered as Mr. And Mrs. Armbruster. 472 00:31:32,682 --> 00:31:34,980 Mr. And... Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. 473 00:31:35,018 --> 00:31:36,416 Yes? 474 00:31:36,453 --> 00:31:38,478 What? Am I ready to talk to Baltimore? 475 00:31:38,521 --> 00:31:40,080 No, I'm not ready to talk to Baltimore. 476 00:31:40,123 --> 00:31:42,751 Who's calling? I'm calling. 477 00:31:42,792 --> 00:31:44,761 Put her on. 478 00:31:46,465 --> 00:31:48,126 Hello, Emily. I'm fine. 479 00:31:49,133 --> 00:31:51,125 The trip? It's fine. 480 00:31:53,272 --> 00:31:55,899 It was just one of those unfortunate accidents. 481 00:31:55,941 --> 00:31:57,739 For whatever it's worth, you can tell mother... 482 00:31:57,776 --> 00:31:59,607 he didn't suffer towards the end. 483 00:32:00,814 --> 00:32:02,372 I'm working on it. 484 00:32:02,415 --> 00:32:04,474 There's no problems, just red tape. 485 00:32:04,518 --> 00:32:07,488 Questionnaires, permits. 486 00:32:07,521 --> 00:32:09,786 Where do you suddenly find two zinc-lined coffins? 487 00:32:11,727 --> 00:32:14,196 Two? I didn't say two! It must be the connection! 488 00:32:14,229 --> 00:32:16,094 What would I do with two coffins? 489 00:32:17,933 --> 00:32:19,424 No! I'm sorry. 490 00:32:19,469 --> 00:32:21,130 No, I didn't call the embassy. 491 00:32:21,169 --> 00:32:22,261 They're in Rome, and I'm in Ischia. 492 00:32:22,305 --> 00:32:23,965 What are they going to do for me? 493 00:32:24,007 --> 00:32:26,601 How's mother holding up? 494 00:32:28,111 --> 00:32:29,807 And how are the kids? 495 00:32:29,847 --> 00:32:32,475 - Good-bye. - Good-bye. 496 00:32:32,516 --> 00:32:34,108 Just a minute. Where are you going? 497 00:32:36,656 --> 00:32:38,646 See you at the morgue. 498 00:32:43,296 --> 00:32:45,286 How are the funeral arrangements coming? 499 00:32:47,099 --> 00:32:49,465 What? Who's Miss who? 500 00:32:49,502 --> 00:32:50,902 Piggott? 501 00:32:53,308 --> 00:32:56,141 She's... in the hotel. 502 00:32:56,176 --> 00:32:57,268 Works here. 503 00:32:58,446 --> 00:33:00,812 As an interpreter. 504 00:33:00,848 --> 00:33:02,145 Of course you need an interpreter... 505 00:33:02,183 --> 00:33:03,673 even when you go to the bathroom. 506 00:33:03,719 --> 00:33:06,244 In this country, caldo means hot. 507 00:33:19,604 --> 00:33:21,071 This is the morgue? 508 00:33:21,105 --> 00:33:23,437 Yes, sir. Seventeenth century. 509 00:33:23,474 --> 00:33:28,105 The walls are that thick. The coolest place in town. 510 00:33:57,480 --> 00:34:00,415 Good afternoon. 511 00:34:00,450 --> 00:34:03,612 So nice to see you again. 512 00:34:03,653 --> 00:34:05,144 How do you feel? 513 00:34:06,590 --> 00:34:10,721 That's a silly question. You feel the way I feel... rotten. 514 00:34:15,099 --> 00:34:17,159 We will have to wait. He is not here yet. 515 00:34:17,202 --> 00:34:19,261 - Who? - The... 516 00:34:21,941 --> 00:34:23,306 How do you say it? 517 00:34:23,343 --> 00:34:24,742 - The coroner? - That's it. 518 00:34:24,777 --> 00:34:26,074 Don't tell me he's still at lunch. 519 00:34:26,112 --> 00:34:27,238 Very likely. 520 00:34:27,281 --> 00:34:30,875 A coroner, he eats very well. He knows all the widows. 521 00:34:33,287 --> 00:34:35,755 Pretty flowers. What are they? 522 00:34:35,789 --> 00:34:37,759 In Italian, they're called tromboncini. 523 00:34:37,792 --> 00:34:40,762 You don't say. What are they called in English? 524 00:34:40,796 --> 00:34:42,229 Daffodils. 525 00:34:48,336 --> 00:34:50,272 Now... 526 00:34:50,306 --> 00:34:53,276 when it comes to dealing with the authorities... 527 00:34:53,309 --> 00:34:56,143 whatever happened between your mother and my father... 528 00:34:56,180 --> 00:34:58,444 we're going to have to be a little careful, aren't we? 529 00:34:58,483 --> 00:35:00,041 Don't worry about the hotel register. 530 00:35:00,084 --> 00:35:02,145 We fixed it. No more "Mr. And Mrs." 531 00:35:02,188 --> 00:35:05,452 Let me ask you... moneywise, how are you fixed? 532 00:35:05,490 --> 00:35:07,356 What do you do for a living? 533 00:35:07,393 --> 00:35:09,588 I work in a boutique on the Kings Road. 534 00:35:11,597 --> 00:35:13,292 I'm sure you could use a little money. 535 00:35:13,332 --> 00:35:14,993 I mean, anything within reason. 536 00:35:15,034 --> 00:35:16,092 You'll find I'm pretty generous. 537 00:35:16,135 --> 00:35:18,161 You will keep in mind, won't you... 538 00:35:18,205 --> 00:35:19,537 what's been happening to the stock market? 539 00:35:19,574 --> 00:35:21,064 Since January, Armbruster Industries... 540 00:35:21,109 --> 00:35:23,100 has dropped 141/2 points. 541 00:36:09,363 --> 00:36:10,955 Like music. 542 00:36:21,276 --> 00:36:22,334 OK. 543 00:37:18,542 --> 00:37:20,134 Do you, Wendell Armbruster Jr... 544 00:37:20,178 --> 00:37:22,304 swear that you are Wendell Armbruster Jr... 545 00:37:22,345 --> 00:37:24,314 and this is the body of your father... 546 00:37:24,347 --> 00:37:25,975 Wendell Armbruster Sr.? 547 00:37:34,293 --> 00:37:35,452 I do. 548 00:37:36,463 --> 00:37:37,622 OK. 549 00:37:42,302 --> 00:37:44,031 Do you, Pamela Piggott... 550 00:37:44,070 --> 00:37:45,765 swear that you are Pamela Piggott... 551 00:37:45,805 --> 00:37:48,970 and this is the body of your mother, Catherine Piggott? 552 00:38:01,758 --> 00:38:04,090 It is necessary for you to swear. 553 00:38:13,337 --> 00:38:15,169 I do. 554 00:38:17,042 --> 00:38:18,566 OK. 555 00:39:29,123 --> 00:39:31,785 - Thank you. - Not at all. 556 00:39:52,483 --> 00:39:54,815 I'm sorry. Go right ahead. 557 00:39:54,851 --> 00:39:55,910 OK. 558 00:40:07,835 --> 00:40:09,597 Any luck with the coffins? 559 00:40:09,637 --> 00:40:12,834 Yes, sir. My brother-in-law in Bologna... 560 00:40:12,873 --> 00:40:14,397 who happens to be an undertaker... 561 00:40:14,442 --> 00:40:15,874 he has two of those caskets... 562 00:40:15,910 --> 00:40:17,902 and he is sending them out on the first train. 563 00:40:20,283 --> 00:40:21,841 You can sign now. 564 00:40:36,934 --> 00:40:39,301 Come on. Just sign, please. 565 00:41:22,987 --> 00:41:25,183 Not if I can help it. 566 00:41:43,677 --> 00:41:45,508 All right, what happens next? 567 00:41:45,546 --> 00:41:48,310 The red papers go to Naples for the export license. 568 00:41:48,349 --> 00:41:50,442 The white papers go to Dr. Galupo... 569 00:41:50,484 --> 00:41:53,113 to certify there are no communicable diseases. 570 00:41:53,154 --> 00:41:54,883 And the green papers, they stay here... 571 00:41:54,923 --> 00:41:57,357 until we get the coffins from Bologna. 572 00:41:57,391 --> 00:42:00,589 That's all. But we have a small problem with Naples. 573 00:42:00,629 --> 00:42:01,686 Like what? 574 00:42:01,729 --> 00:42:03,322 They are closed on Sunday. 575 00:42:03,365 --> 00:42:05,425 But fortunately, I have a nephew... 576 00:42:05,468 --> 00:42:07,629 who knows an official in the license bureau... 577 00:42:07,670 --> 00:42:11,438 and if he can get him to open the office right after mass... 578 00:42:11,474 --> 00:42:14,410 If you ask me, any foreigner who dies in Italy... 579 00:42:14,445 --> 00:42:16,845 is out of his friggin' skull. 580 00:42:16,881 --> 00:42:20,146 - May I make a suggestion? - No. 581 00:42:20,185 --> 00:42:22,482 - I have a super idea, I think. - Save it. 582 00:42:22,521 --> 00:42:23,851 With all this nasty business... 583 00:42:23,889 --> 00:42:25,858 zinc coffins and health certificates... 584 00:42:25,893 --> 00:42:28,918 and export licenses... why subject them to that? 585 00:42:28,963 --> 00:42:31,227 Why don't we bury them here? 586 00:42:31,265 --> 00:42:33,129 Why don't we what? 587 00:42:33,167 --> 00:42:36,158 There's a lovely old cemetery up on the hill. 588 00:42:36,202 --> 00:42:37,830 They could be there together. 589 00:42:37,871 --> 00:42:39,736 - They'd like that. - They would? 590 00:42:39,773 --> 00:42:41,535 It would solve all the headaches. 591 00:42:41,575 --> 00:42:44,272 Absolutely. The Carlucci family... 592 00:42:44,311 --> 00:42:47,771 we have a large plot up there. They would be welcome. 593 00:42:47,818 --> 00:42:50,342 Better yet, why don't we bury them... 594 00:42:50,386 --> 00:42:52,684 in the blue grotto at high tide... 595 00:42:52,722 --> 00:42:54,519 or in Venice, like Romeo and Juliet? 596 00:42:54,558 --> 00:42:55,546 Verona. 597 00:42:55,591 --> 00:42:56,888 Or we could build a shrine for them... 598 00:42:56,927 --> 00:42:58,257 with an eternal flame. 599 00:42:58,294 --> 00:42:59,489 It was just an idea. 600 00:42:59,530 --> 00:43:01,554 They were not the unknown soldier. 601 00:43:01,598 --> 00:43:03,189 They were the unknown lovers. 602 00:43:03,233 --> 00:43:05,327 Let's just keep it that way, shall we? 603 00:43:09,340 --> 00:43:10,831 Let's go. 604 00:43:17,716 --> 00:43:20,913 Ask fat-ass if she wants a ride. 605 00:43:20,953 --> 00:43:22,923 Tell him no, thank you. 606 00:44:40,512 --> 00:44:44,846 He died suddenly and tragically... 607 00:44:44,883 --> 00:44:47,613 far from his loved ones... 608 00:44:47,652 --> 00:44:51,282 alone in a distant land where he used to go... 609 00:44:51,324 --> 00:44:53,986 to rest his mind and heal his body. 610 00:44:54,025 --> 00:44:55,357 Bullshit. 611 00:44:55,395 --> 00:44:58,854 He was a philanthropist, a pillar of the church... 612 00:44:58,899 --> 00:45:02,392 a tireless crusader for all that is decent... 613 00:45:02,437 --> 00:45:05,132 and an ensign in the Coast Guard during... 614 00:45:05,172 --> 00:45:07,403 Dirty old man. That's what he was. 615 00:45:07,442 --> 00:45:09,034 Eulogy, second draft. 616 00:45:12,180 --> 00:45:15,548 Friends, coworkers, stockholders... 617 00:45:15,584 --> 00:45:18,611 we come to bury Wendell Armbruster Sr... 618 00:45:18,655 --> 00:45:20,054 not to praise him. 619 00:45:20,090 --> 00:45:24,493 The evil men do... Ignore that. 620 00:45:26,229 --> 00:45:30,529 Wendell Armbruster Sr. Was a man for all seasons. 621 00:45:33,703 --> 00:45:35,069 I mean, avanti. 622 00:45:40,547 --> 00:45:42,742 The suit, I pressed it. 623 00:45:42,782 --> 00:45:44,806 The shirt, it's like new. 624 00:45:44,851 --> 00:45:47,844 Drip and dry... great invention. 625 00:45:47,887 --> 00:45:52,791 Like electric toothbrush, roller derby, Alka-Seltzer. 626 00:45:52,827 --> 00:45:55,057 I love America. 627 00:45:55,095 --> 00:45:57,188 That's a switch. 628 00:45:57,231 --> 00:46:01,168 I lived in America. Wonderful people. 629 00:46:01,203 --> 00:46:03,604 So friendly, so kind. 630 00:46:03,639 --> 00:46:06,107 When I left New York... 631 00:46:06,142 --> 00:46:08,475 they took me to airport in limousine. 632 00:46:08,511 --> 00:46:12,072 They put me on plane. They waved good-bye. 633 00:46:12,115 --> 00:46:15,573 - Who's they? - The immigration department. 634 00:46:15,619 --> 00:46:19,077 - You were deported? - Yes, but first-class. 635 00:46:19,122 --> 00:46:23,026 In America when they deport you, they know how to do it. 636 00:46:23,061 --> 00:46:25,860 Big 747. 637 00:46:25,898 --> 00:46:27,388 Window seat. 638 00:46:27,433 --> 00:46:30,368 Beautiful blond stewardess... 639 00:46:30,403 --> 00:46:34,463 feeding me with a spoon all the way across. 640 00:46:34,507 --> 00:46:36,032 Handcuffs, you know? 641 00:46:36,076 --> 00:46:39,136 Who'd you work for over there... Mafia, Cosa Nostra? 642 00:46:39,179 --> 00:46:40,738 Only part-time. 643 00:46:40,781 --> 00:46:43,979 By profession, I am a photographer. 644 00:46:44,019 --> 00:46:45,883 That's very interesting. 645 00:46:47,956 --> 00:46:51,790 You are exactly like your father. 646 00:46:51,826 --> 00:46:53,727 Not exactly! 647 00:46:53,763 --> 00:46:56,390 I mean the size. 648 00:46:56,431 --> 00:46:59,265 So I thought if you wanted to change... 649 00:46:59,303 --> 00:47:01,496 here are all your father's clothes. 650 00:47:02,506 --> 00:47:04,566 This is what he wore? 651 00:47:04,609 --> 00:47:06,906 Plaids, bellbottoms, two-tone shoes? 652 00:47:06,945 --> 00:47:08,741 He had one conservative suit... 653 00:47:08,780 --> 00:47:11,715 but he's wearing it now. 654 00:47:11,751 --> 00:47:14,218 He was a real sport. 655 00:47:14,252 --> 00:47:16,153 See this watch? 656 00:47:16,187 --> 00:47:20,056 He left it for me last year. Spiro Agnew. 657 00:47:20,091 --> 00:47:25,326 And he gave me this lighter. Zippo. 658 00:47:25,365 --> 00:47:27,663 - And a camera. - Is that so? 659 00:47:27,702 --> 00:47:32,765 A Polaroid. Never served a nicer guy. 660 00:47:32,807 --> 00:47:36,333 And as for the lady, she was a pussycat. 661 00:47:36,377 --> 00:47:40,610 Natural blonde. Skin like vanilla ice cream. 662 00:47:40,648 --> 00:47:43,277 Here they are all like black olives. 663 00:47:43,320 --> 00:47:46,983 I prefer vanilla ice cream. 664 00:47:48,392 --> 00:47:50,724 Here. Get yourself some ice cream. 665 00:47:51,729 --> 00:47:57,326 They were such a swell couple. Always laughter, always wine... 666 00:47:57,368 --> 00:48:01,669 and always the sign outside the door, "No disturbare." 667 00:48:01,707 --> 00:48:03,503 They never get up until four in the afternoon. 668 00:48:03,542 --> 00:48:07,240 What's there to get up for? Nothing's open. It's lunchtime. 669 00:48:07,280 --> 00:48:11,547 And every night, the orchestra would have to work overtime... 670 00:48:11,584 --> 00:48:14,110 because they would dance until dawn. 671 00:48:14,154 --> 00:48:16,520 And then you know what they would do? 672 00:48:16,557 --> 00:48:18,355 No, and I don't care. 673 00:48:18,392 --> 00:48:21,225 When the sun came up over Mount Vesuvius... 674 00:48:21,261 --> 00:48:25,460 they would go swimming... no bathing suit, no nothing. 675 00:48:25,499 --> 00:48:26,558 No nothing? 676 00:48:26,600 --> 00:48:28,468 Like the man says on TV... 677 00:48:28,504 --> 00:48:31,029 "In life you only go around once... 678 00:48:31,074 --> 00:48:33,872 "so grab all the gusto you can." 679 00:48:35,379 --> 00:48:38,838 They were swimming naked right outside this hotel? 680 00:48:38,882 --> 00:48:40,372 Why not? 681 00:48:44,555 --> 00:48:47,956 Everybody asleep. Nobody watching. 682 00:48:50,596 --> 00:48:52,496 Except you, I imagine. 683 00:48:52,531 --> 00:48:54,863 I always get up very early to shine the shoes. 684 00:48:54,899 --> 00:48:57,801 And that's where the Polaroid comes in, I guess. 685 00:48:57,837 --> 00:49:01,238 I couldn't help it. It was so spectacular... 686 00:49:01,275 --> 00:49:03,868 the sun coming up on the Bay of Naples. 687 00:49:03,911 --> 00:49:07,005 I know, yes, and Mount Vesuvius and Pompeii. 688 00:49:07,048 --> 00:49:10,212 I am not a landscape man. 689 00:49:10,251 --> 00:49:11,948 Only portraits and figures. 690 00:49:11,987 --> 00:49:13,181 How is your focus? 691 00:49:13,221 --> 00:49:15,382 Perfect. Color perfect. 692 00:49:15,424 --> 00:49:19,862 And the water here, it is perfectly transparent. 693 00:49:19,895 --> 00:49:21,362 So are you, buddy. 694 00:49:22,364 --> 00:49:24,425 Maybe you want to see the pictures. 695 00:49:24,468 --> 00:49:26,834 - Maybe. - Maybe I can find them. 696 00:49:26,869 --> 00:49:28,838 I'll bet you a hundred bucks you can. 697 00:49:28,872 --> 00:49:30,840 It's not a question of money. 698 00:49:30,874 --> 00:49:32,843 I just think that any time one American... 699 00:49:32,877 --> 00:49:35,506 can help another American... 700 00:49:38,384 --> 00:49:40,181 I'm sorry to intrude... 701 00:49:40,219 --> 00:49:42,209 but there are important developments. 702 00:49:44,889 --> 00:49:46,415 What is it now? 703 00:49:46,459 --> 00:49:48,394 I have good news, and I have bad news. 704 00:49:48,427 --> 00:49:51,522 About the coffins, there is a railroad strike in Bologna... 705 00:49:51,564 --> 00:49:53,193 so they put the coffins on a plane... 706 00:49:53,234 --> 00:49:54,860 and now the airport is fogged in. 707 00:49:54,902 --> 00:49:57,370 - Naturally. - But they say it will fog out. 708 00:49:57,406 --> 00:49:59,532 About the health certificate, I finally reached Dr. Galupo... 709 00:49:59,575 --> 00:50:01,269 on the phone in the operating room. 710 00:50:01,310 --> 00:50:02,607 He cannot come. 711 00:50:02,644 --> 00:50:04,737 Why not? How long does it take him to operate? 712 00:50:04,780 --> 00:50:07,111 You do not understand. They are operating on him. 713 00:50:07,149 --> 00:50:08,447 Double hernia. 714 00:50:08,485 --> 00:50:11,385 So now we are trying to get the municipal doctor from Capri. 715 00:50:11,420 --> 00:50:14,414 - About the export license... - Go ahead. Pour it on. 716 00:50:14,458 --> 00:50:15,789 You know my nephew in Naples. 717 00:50:15,826 --> 00:50:17,885 He is not in Naples. He is in Firenze. 718 00:50:17,927 --> 00:50:19,395 But he is going to help us. 719 00:50:19,431 --> 00:50:22,332 So he will take a plane from Firenze to Naples... 720 00:50:22,366 --> 00:50:25,063 that is, unless the fog moves from Bologna to Firenze. 721 00:50:25,103 --> 00:50:27,094 All right, let's have the good news. 722 00:50:27,139 --> 00:50:30,939 That was the good news. The bad news is... 723 00:50:31,943 --> 00:50:33,911 Something mysterious has happened. 724 00:50:33,945 --> 00:50:34,912 What? 725 00:50:34,946 --> 00:50:37,576 You remember the bodies in the mortuary? 726 00:50:37,618 --> 00:50:39,449 Of course I remember them. 727 00:50:41,456 --> 00:50:43,286 They're not there anymore. 728 00:50:45,392 --> 00:50:48,624 What do you mean, "They're not there anymore"? 729 00:50:50,530 --> 00:50:52,362 They are missing. 730 00:50:52,398 --> 00:50:55,162 Signore Cipriani informs me that when he locked up the place... 731 00:50:55,201 --> 00:50:56,499 the bodies were gone. 732 00:50:56,538 --> 00:50:59,302 Gone? Gone where? 733 00:50:59,340 --> 00:51:00,807 That is the mystery. 734 00:51:00,842 --> 00:51:03,403 When he looked in at 5:00, the bodies were still there... 735 00:51:03,446 --> 00:51:04,776 and so was Miss Piggott. 736 00:51:17,260 --> 00:51:19,821 He saw her pull up the shade and open the window. 737 00:51:21,632 --> 00:51:27,196 That kook. That sentimental idiot. 738 00:51:27,238 --> 00:51:30,401 Please. You don't really think she took the bodies? 739 00:51:30,441 --> 00:51:31,841 That's preposterous. 740 00:51:31,877 --> 00:51:33,606 Preposterous to you, preposterous to me... 741 00:51:33,645 --> 00:51:35,636 but not to her, because she's off her rocker! 742 00:51:35,681 --> 00:51:37,479 Hello. Get me Miss Piggott's room. 743 00:51:37,516 --> 00:51:40,112 - I don't know the number. - 126. 744 00:51:40,153 --> 00:51:41,450 Just get her. 745 00:51:41,488 --> 00:51:43,957 Let us be logical. How could she manage? 746 00:51:43,991 --> 00:51:46,551 A little girl like that? Two bodies? 747 00:51:46,594 --> 00:51:48,460 Little girl? She's built like a Japanese wrestler. 748 00:51:48,497 --> 00:51:50,829 What? Try the lobby. Try the souvenir shop. 749 00:51:50,865 --> 00:51:52,959 How the hell should I know? Get her paged! 750 00:51:53,001 --> 00:51:54,434 Signore Cipriani tells me... 751 00:51:54,469 --> 00:51:55,834 he will have to report this to the police. 752 00:51:55,871 --> 00:51:57,168 No police. We don't want any police. 753 00:51:57,205 --> 00:51:58,502 We don't want any reports. 754 00:51:58,539 --> 00:51:59,940 We're gonna handle this ourselves. 755 00:51:59,975 --> 00:52:02,377 Here. Get yourself some ice cream. Bye-bye. 756 00:52:02,412 --> 00:52:03,605 You'd better start checking... 757 00:52:03,647 --> 00:52:05,512 on that family plot up at the cemetery. 758 00:52:05,550 --> 00:52:06,641 I don't believe it. 759 00:52:06,683 --> 00:52:07,843 There must be some other explanation. 760 00:52:07,885 --> 00:52:09,045 What other explanation? 761 00:52:09,086 --> 00:52:11,111 Who the hell else is gonna want those two bodies... 762 00:52:11,156 --> 00:52:12,554 Dr. Christian Bernard? 763 00:52:13,991 --> 00:52:16,187 Goddamn you, Miss Piggott. 764 00:52:16,227 --> 00:52:18,218 Hello, Emily. How are you? 765 00:52:18,263 --> 00:52:19,287 It's Baltimore. 766 00:52:20,731 --> 00:52:24,635 I'm sorry. I thought you were Miss Piggott... 767 00:52:24,671 --> 00:52:27,196 the interpreter. Ding-a-ling. 768 00:52:27,240 --> 00:52:29,071 She keeps fouling everything up. 769 00:52:29,110 --> 00:52:31,100 I can't fire her. I need her. 770 00:52:32,746 --> 00:52:35,544 No problems. Just a few loose ends here and there... 771 00:52:35,583 --> 00:52:37,711 but I am on top of the situation. 772 00:52:37,753 --> 00:52:41,711 Yes, I'm positive. There will be no postponement. 773 00:52:41,756 --> 00:52:43,315 The State Department? Don't bother. 774 00:52:43,359 --> 00:52:46,157 I don't need any help from the State Department. 775 00:52:46,195 --> 00:52:49,963 Yes. I saw him this afternoon at the mortuary. 776 00:52:49,999 --> 00:52:52,160 I haven't seen him lately. 777 00:52:52,202 --> 00:52:54,067 How's mother? 778 00:52:54,103 --> 00:52:56,594 I hope she's all right for the services. 779 00:52:56,640 --> 00:52:57,936 We certainly don't want any hysterics... 780 00:52:57,975 --> 00:53:00,001 with television and everything. 781 00:53:00,045 --> 00:53:01,602 Thank God it'll be a closed casket. 782 00:53:01,645 --> 00:53:03,169 Have you heard from Billy Graham? 783 00:53:03,214 --> 00:53:04,842 That's good. Listen. 784 00:53:04,883 --> 00:53:07,750 What do you think if he did the eulogy? 785 00:53:07,787 --> 00:53:09,777 Because I'm so emotionally involved. 786 00:53:09,821 --> 00:53:12,950 Ask him. What's all the noise in the background? 787 00:53:12,992 --> 00:53:15,688 Kids are watching the Baltimore Orioles. 788 00:53:15,728 --> 00:53:17,390 What's the score? 789 00:53:19,066 --> 00:53:21,659 Give them my love... between innings. 790 00:53:21,702 --> 00:53:23,294 And kiss-kiss. 791 00:53:24,371 --> 00:53:26,068 Where the hell is that Piggott? 792 00:53:29,245 --> 00:53:31,008 I checked with the cemetery. 793 00:53:31,045 --> 00:53:32,478 No bodies. As for Miss Piggott... 794 00:53:32,514 --> 00:53:34,482 - What about her? - She's in her room. 795 00:53:34,517 --> 00:53:35,847 She will not answer the telephone. 796 00:53:35,886 --> 00:53:37,216 She will not open the door. 797 00:53:37,253 --> 00:53:39,415 She won't? 798 00:53:44,629 --> 00:53:48,066 Please, no violence. This is a first-class hotel. 799 00:53:48,099 --> 00:53:49,157 Sure. 800 00:53:49,200 --> 00:53:52,227 And if she really is a kook, one wrong move, one push... 801 00:53:52,271 --> 00:53:54,364 and she will fall off that rocker. 802 00:53:54,405 --> 00:53:56,170 God knows what she will do. 803 00:53:56,208 --> 00:53:59,006 I better play it cool. Watch me. Caldo. 804 00:53:59,044 --> 00:54:01,343 I mean, freddo. 805 00:54:09,290 --> 00:54:10,553 Go away. 806 00:54:12,059 --> 00:54:15,518 Would you please open the door? 807 00:54:15,563 --> 00:54:16,587 Go away. 808 00:54:16,631 --> 00:54:18,428 I have this problem... 809 00:54:18,467 --> 00:54:21,230 because there's no saponi in my bagno. 810 00:54:21,270 --> 00:54:22,930 There's no soap in my bathroom. 811 00:54:22,971 --> 00:54:24,405 Please. 812 00:54:24,439 --> 00:54:25,532 No. 813 00:54:25,574 --> 00:54:26,700 No? 814 00:54:39,023 --> 00:54:40,616 Cool. 815 00:54:40,659 --> 00:54:42,388 You promised. 816 00:54:47,800 --> 00:54:49,358 Where are you? 817 00:54:53,040 --> 00:54:55,234 Did I wake you up? 818 00:54:55,275 --> 00:54:59,644 If you don't leave immediately, I shall call the concierge. 819 00:54:59,680 --> 00:55:03,980 I've been giving a great deal of thought to our relationship. 820 00:55:04,019 --> 00:55:05,007 Operator. 821 00:55:05,052 --> 00:55:06,280 And I have a sneaking suspicion... 822 00:55:06,320 --> 00:55:07,548 there's something wrong with it. 823 00:55:07,588 --> 00:55:09,113 Operator, get me the concierge. 824 00:55:09,157 --> 00:55:11,556 The trouble is, we got off on the wrong foot. 825 00:55:11,593 --> 00:55:13,824 I've been called plump, I've been called pudgy... 826 00:55:13,864 --> 00:55:15,354 I've been called chubby... 827 00:55:15,399 --> 00:55:17,559 but I've never been called fat-ass! 828 00:55:21,271 --> 00:55:24,034 - Did I say that? - You certainly did. 829 00:55:24,074 --> 00:55:26,703 Shame on me. 830 00:55:26,744 --> 00:55:28,644 The truth of the matter is... 831 00:55:28,680 --> 00:55:30,944 I kind of like girls with a little upholstery... 832 00:55:30,982 --> 00:55:33,383 here and there. I think most men do. 833 00:55:33,419 --> 00:55:36,321 I know we have this chemical plant in New Jersey. 834 00:55:36,355 --> 00:55:39,483 And you know what our fastest-moving item is? 835 00:55:39,525 --> 00:55:42,051 Silicone for injections. 836 00:55:45,499 --> 00:55:49,994 Take those models in "Vogue," like Twiggy and all the rest... 837 00:55:50,038 --> 00:55:51,664 nothing but skin and bones. 838 00:55:51,705 --> 00:55:55,006 A man gets lucky, and he ends up black and blue. 839 00:55:55,044 --> 00:55:56,671 You could even cut yourself. 840 00:55:56,712 --> 00:55:59,375 Like making it with a pogo stick. 841 00:56:01,750 --> 00:56:03,514 Are you looking for something? 842 00:56:03,553 --> 00:56:07,182 When you first brought up this notion... 843 00:56:07,222 --> 00:56:08,850 in the morgue this afternoon... 844 00:56:08,892 --> 00:56:09,917 What notion? 845 00:56:09,960 --> 00:56:11,825 About having the two buried together. 846 00:56:11,861 --> 00:56:15,059 I didn't think you were really serious. 847 00:56:15,099 --> 00:56:17,432 I'm as sentimental as the next man... 848 00:56:17,469 --> 00:56:18,936 but we're grownup people... 849 00:56:18,970 --> 00:56:20,905 and if you look at this thing realistically... 850 00:56:30,249 --> 00:56:33,047 What I'm trying to say is I can take a joke. 851 00:56:33,087 --> 00:56:35,714 A joke? Lovers resting in peace, side by side? 852 00:56:35,755 --> 00:56:37,554 Is that your idea of a joke? 853 00:56:37,592 --> 00:56:39,219 All right, damn it! Where are they? 854 00:56:39,260 --> 00:56:40,727 What the hell did you do with them? 855 00:56:40,762 --> 00:56:41,956 I don't know what you mean. 856 00:56:41,996 --> 00:56:43,828 Yes, you do! Come on! Quit horsing around! 857 00:56:43,865 --> 00:56:45,332 I am not to be shouted at. 858 00:56:45,367 --> 00:56:47,527 I am under orders of my psychiatrist. 859 00:56:47,569 --> 00:56:49,697 You got a psychiatrist. I'm not surprised. 860 00:56:49,738 --> 00:56:51,103 It's because of my weight problem. 861 00:56:51,140 --> 00:56:53,165 He's got me on a diet and pills... 862 00:56:53,209 --> 00:56:54,677 and self-hypnosis and sleep therapy. 863 00:56:54,711 --> 00:56:56,110 He wants me to sleep a lot... 864 00:56:56,145 --> 00:56:57,703 because you can't eat while you're sleeping. 865 00:56:57,747 --> 00:56:59,215 Sometimes I sleep around the clock. 866 00:56:59,251 --> 00:57:01,650 Good for you. Right now all I want to know... 867 00:57:01,686 --> 00:57:04,177 Right now, I'm going to have my dinner... 868 00:57:04,222 --> 00:57:05,588 I'm going to hypnotize myself... 869 00:57:05,624 --> 00:57:07,523 and if you want to have any further discussion... 870 00:57:07,559 --> 00:57:08,957 come back tomorrow afternoon. 871 00:57:08,994 --> 00:57:11,463 Tomorrow afternoon? For Christ's sake! 872 00:57:11,497 --> 00:57:13,465 Don't you understand? I'm on a schedule! 873 00:57:13,499 --> 00:57:15,228 You're shouting again. 874 00:57:15,267 --> 00:57:18,168 And in my weakened condition... an apple three times a day... 875 00:57:18,204 --> 00:57:20,069 and a teaspoonful of honey. 876 00:57:28,716 --> 00:57:30,343 Get me the dining room. 877 00:57:30,385 --> 00:57:33,183 Please call from your own phone. 878 00:57:34,489 --> 00:57:36,957 I'd like to make a reservation for two. 879 00:57:36,992 --> 00:57:39,985 The name is Armbruster... Armbruster Jr. 880 00:57:40,029 --> 00:57:43,727 Really? That would be nice. 881 00:57:43,767 --> 00:57:46,429 Shall we say in about 20 minutes? 882 00:57:47,905 --> 00:57:49,498 Guess what table we got. 883 00:57:49,540 --> 00:57:51,600 Just turn off the light and go. 884 00:57:51,642 --> 00:57:53,167 Where they had dinner every night. 885 00:57:53,211 --> 00:57:54,803 I thought that would be kind of nice... 886 00:57:54,847 --> 00:57:58,509 if we had the same table, same wine, same music. 887 00:57:58,550 --> 00:58:00,347 You should have heard the maitre d'... 888 00:58:00,385 --> 00:58:01,853 when I made the reservation. 889 00:58:01,887 --> 00:58:03,913 He had tears in his voice. 890 00:58:06,726 --> 00:58:09,695 This is no time to be stubborn or selfish. 891 00:58:09,729 --> 00:58:11,698 This has nothing to do with you or me. 892 00:58:11,732 --> 00:58:15,690 It's more like a farewell gesture to them. 893 00:58:15,735 --> 00:58:17,533 They would like that! 894 00:58:24,447 --> 00:58:26,744 Shall we say in about 20 minutes? 895 00:58:48,940 --> 00:58:51,467 The fog in Bologna, it has moved out... 896 00:58:51,511 --> 00:58:53,172 and the coffins are on the way. 897 00:58:53,212 --> 00:58:55,043 Great. First we had bodies and no coffins. 898 00:58:55,081 --> 00:58:56,515 Now we have coffins and no bodies. 899 00:58:56,550 --> 00:58:59,212 I have searched the hotel with fine-tooth comb... 900 00:58:59,253 --> 00:59:01,049 even the mud baths. 901 00:59:16,739 --> 00:59:19,208 Of course, you must be. 902 00:59:19,242 --> 00:59:21,107 Same face, same suit. 903 00:59:21,143 --> 00:59:22,270 Good evening. 904 00:59:22,311 --> 00:59:23,335 The table is ready. 905 00:59:23,380 --> 00:59:25,110 Not yet. I'm waiting for the young lady. 906 00:59:25,148 --> 00:59:27,309 Of course. You will wait at the bar. 907 00:59:27,351 --> 00:59:29,752 Everything has been anticipated. 908 00:59:31,256 --> 00:59:33,087 - Here you are. - What's that? 909 00:59:33,125 --> 00:59:35,458 A whisky sour on the sour side... 910 00:59:35,494 --> 00:59:38,292 and for the lady, a Bacardi on the sweet side. 911 00:59:38,330 --> 00:59:40,891 - That's what they used to have? - Always. 912 00:59:40,933 --> 00:59:42,400 Always. 913 01:00:16,774 --> 01:00:19,242 That's Baron Forshmetelli. 914 01:00:19,277 --> 01:00:20,802 He's ninety years old. 915 01:00:20,846 --> 01:00:24,008 Been coming here since before World War I. 916 01:00:24,048 --> 01:00:26,950 Remarkable. This place must take years off your life. 917 01:00:26,985 --> 01:00:28,384 It certainly does. 918 01:00:28,420 --> 01:00:33,188 Every year his nurses, they keep getting younger and younger. 919 01:01:04,796 --> 01:01:06,456 I'm sorry to be late. 920 01:01:06,498 --> 01:01:09,261 I had trouble getting into my dress. 921 01:01:09,300 --> 01:01:11,325 Actually, it's my mother's dress. 922 01:01:11,369 --> 01:01:14,134 That's only fair. Actually, this is my father's suit. 923 01:01:14,173 --> 01:01:16,267 Here's your drink. 924 01:01:16,309 --> 01:01:17,776 What's this? 925 01:01:17,810 --> 01:01:20,278 It's a Bacardi for you and a whiskey sour for me. 926 01:01:20,313 --> 01:01:21,837 That's what they always had. 927 01:01:21,882 --> 01:01:23,440 I don't drink. 928 01:01:23,483 --> 01:01:26,509 Look, Miss Piggott... Pamela... 929 01:01:26,554 --> 01:01:29,852 if this evening is to be a salute to them... 930 01:01:29,891 --> 01:01:31,755 then please don't louse it up. 931 01:01:31,792 --> 01:01:33,351 Of course not. 932 01:01:37,666 --> 01:01:39,794 To mother and father. 933 01:01:39,835 --> 01:01:42,236 Wherever they may be. 934 01:01:56,689 --> 01:02:00,750 I think the captain is signaling. Table twelve. 935 01:02:00,793 --> 01:02:02,454 Yes. Thank you. 936 01:02:08,501 --> 01:02:10,594 Welcome. I welcome you. 937 01:02:10,636 --> 01:02:12,468 The orchestra welcomes you. 938 01:02:12,505 --> 01:02:14,769 That was their favorite tune. 939 01:02:14,808 --> 01:02:16,640 How very thoughtful. 940 01:02:30,626 --> 01:02:33,187 Madam always sat on your father's left. 941 01:02:33,230 --> 01:02:35,993 Of course. It was his good ear. 942 01:02:41,272 --> 01:02:44,036 Shall we start with a little pasta? 943 01:02:44,074 --> 01:02:47,169 We have spaghetti, spaghettini, spaghettoni, macaroni... 944 01:02:47,212 --> 01:02:49,578 cannelloni, rigatoni, tortellini, fettuccine... 945 01:02:49,614 --> 01:02:52,175 tagliarini, buccatini, manicotti, bumbalotti... 946 01:02:52,217 --> 01:02:54,276 cappelotti, crosetti, fuccitti, tranetti... 947 01:02:54,319 --> 01:02:56,151 pappadelli, tagliatelli... 948 01:02:56,189 --> 01:02:58,622 Tell me, what would they have had? 949 01:02:58,658 --> 01:03:01,561 A few gnocchi, a few ravioli... 950 01:03:01,595 --> 01:03:03,928 and some green noodles for color. 951 01:03:03,964 --> 01:03:04,931 Perfect. 952 01:03:04,965 --> 01:03:06,262 As for the wine... 953 01:03:06,300 --> 01:03:09,862 they would always have a Bianco Lela 1961 with the pasta... 954 01:03:09,904 --> 01:03:14,137 and the Carba De Salaparucta with the entree. 955 01:03:14,175 --> 01:03:16,268 Any special entree that they liked? 956 01:03:16,311 --> 01:03:18,974 Indeed. I have taken the liberty... 957 01:03:19,015 --> 01:03:20,949 of ordering duck a I'orange for two. 958 01:03:20,982 --> 01:03:23,145 Super. 959 01:03:23,187 --> 01:03:26,383 Not for me. I brought my dinner. 960 01:03:32,529 --> 01:03:34,499 In that case, I'll have the duck a I'orange... 961 01:03:34,532 --> 01:03:35,864 for two for one. 962 01:03:35,900 --> 01:03:39,097 Would madam like a little cheese with that? 963 01:03:39,137 --> 01:03:40,867 No, thank you. 964 01:03:40,906 --> 01:03:43,842 Shall I take it out to the kitchen and have it peeled? 965 01:03:43,877 --> 01:03:45,139 I'll manage. 966 01:03:45,177 --> 01:03:46,611 Very good. 967 01:03:55,122 --> 01:03:57,750 I admire your willpower. 968 01:03:57,792 --> 01:04:00,920 Do you know how much I weigh? 969 01:04:00,962 --> 01:04:05,025 91/2 stone. That's 133 pounds. 970 01:04:05,068 --> 01:04:07,764 I'm determined to lose at least 2 stone. 971 01:04:07,804 --> 01:04:11,467 You came to the right place. Michelangelo lost 3 stones here. 972 01:04:19,817 --> 01:04:21,786 Bertram and I, we used to go... 973 01:04:21,819 --> 01:04:23,685 to an Italian restaurant in Soho... 974 01:04:23,721 --> 01:04:26,487 but it was nothing like this. 975 01:04:26,525 --> 01:04:29,653 The waiters were all Greek, and the cook was Chinese. 976 01:04:31,331 --> 01:04:33,526 Who's Bertram? 977 01:04:33,566 --> 01:04:35,626 My boyfriend. 978 01:04:35,669 --> 01:04:37,796 We've been together now for a year and a half. 979 01:04:37,838 --> 01:04:39,829 What you would call shacked up. 980 01:04:39,873 --> 01:04:42,536 Would you like to see his picture? 981 01:04:42,576 --> 01:04:43,702 Sure. 982 01:04:43,744 --> 01:04:45,939 That's Bertram, the one in the middle. 983 01:04:45,979 --> 01:04:48,745 - Plays lead guitar. - Is that so? 984 01:04:48,784 --> 01:04:50,775 They're a terrific group. 985 01:04:50,819 --> 01:04:52,753 They call themselves the Four Apostles. 986 01:04:52,789 --> 01:04:54,346 Matthew, Mark, Luke... 987 01:04:54,390 --> 01:04:56,382 And Bertram. 988 01:04:56,426 --> 01:04:58,758 He's also a terrific composer. 989 01:04:58,795 --> 01:05:03,254 Right now, he's writing a rock musical called Splash. 990 01:05:03,299 --> 01:05:04,960 Splash? 991 01:05:05,002 --> 01:05:07,697 Yes. It's about the sinking of the Titanic. 992 01:05:27,060 --> 01:05:32,227 You know, I must admit, I feel rather guilty. 993 01:05:32,267 --> 01:05:33,495 Why? 994 01:05:33,535 --> 01:05:35,400 You're not eating. 995 01:05:35,436 --> 01:05:36,962 I mean about mother and father. 996 01:05:37,006 --> 01:05:39,372 Really? Why? What about them? 997 01:05:39,407 --> 01:05:41,399 Here we are at their table... 998 01:05:41,444 --> 01:05:44,936 enjoying ourselves while they're lying there... 999 01:05:44,980 --> 01:05:47,676 Yeah, lying where? 1000 01:05:47,716 --> 01:05:49,242 On the other hand... 1001 01:05:49,286 --> 01:05:52,084 they would have hated tears and wailing. 1002 01:05:52,122 --> 01:05:54,217 They weren't exactly a conventional couple... 1003 01:05:54,258 --> 01:05:55,556 were they? 1004 01:05:55,593 --> 01:05:59,086 Maybe I'll just have one ravioli. 1005 01:05:59,131 --> 01:06:01,031 Certainly. 1006 01:06:06,171 --> 01:06:08,605 You know what they would do sometimes at dawn? 1007 01:06:08,639 --> 01:06:10,268 Go swimming in the bay. 1008 01:06:10,310 --> 01:06:13,438 Yes, I heard. In the bay and in the nude. 1009 01:06:13,481 --> 01:06:15,210 Then they'd lie on a rock... 1010 01:06:15,248 --> 01:06:17,877 basking in the sun like two baby seals. 1011 01:06:17,919 --> 01:06:19,044 Baby seal... 1012 01:06:19,086 --> 01:06:22,682 That gray-haired, self-righteous son of a... bitch. 1013 01:06:22,723 --> 01:06:24,783 You keep calling him that. 1014 01:06:24,825 --> 01:06:28,557 I have nothing against sex... premarital, extramarital. 1015 01:06:28,597 --> 01:06:30,292 You name it, and I'm for it. 1016 01:06:30,332 --> 01:06:33,302 Just because a man's married, that doesn't... 1017 01:06:33,336 --> 01:06:35,305 mean that he can't have a... 1018 01:06:35,339 --> 01:06:36,805 thing, you know, with a secretary... 1019 01:06:36,840 --> 01:06:38,433 or with an airline stewardess. 1020 01:06:38,476 --> 01:06:40,238 Let's say that you're at a convention in Hawaii... 1021 01:06:40,277 --> 01:06:41,574 and you meet some chick. 1022 01:06:41,612 --> 01:06:43,443 OK, swell. You swing for a couple of nights... 1023 01:06:43,480 --> 01:06:45,472 but then aloha. 1024 01:06:45,517 --> 01:06:50,045 I see. You can swing with ten chicks a year. That's OK. 1025 01:06:50,088 --> 01:06:51,988 But if you're in love with the same woman for ten years... 1026 01:06:52,023 --> 01:06:53,786 that makes you a son of a bitch. 1027 01:06:53,825 --> 01:06:56,159 Love is for filing clerks... 1028 01:06:56,195 --> 01:06:57,527 but not for the head of a conglomerate. 1029 01:06:57,563 --> 01:06:58,895 Thirty-seven companies the man had. 1030 01:06:58,931 --> 01:07:01,424 Can I have a couple of those green noodles? 1031 01:07:01,468 --> 01:07:02,492 For color? 1032 01:07:49,622 --> 01:07:51,614 That's Italian for my mother's name. 1033 01:07:52,793 --> 01:07:54,760 Figures. 1034 01:07:54,795 --> 01:07:56,888 Your father used to call her Kate... 1035 01:07:56,930 --> 01:07:59,628 and she called him Willie. 1036 01:08:03,439 --> 01:08:06,134 What do you know? 1037 01:08:06,175 --> 01:08:07,837 Sorry you never met her. 1038 01:08:07,877 --> 01:08:09,868 She was a bloody marvelous woman. 1039 01:08:09,912 --> 01:08:12,780 Yes, I'm sure she was. Look, Miss Piggott... 1040 01:08:12,816 --> 01:08:15,784 I appreciate how you feel about your mother. 1041 01:08:15,819 --> 01:08:17,844 If you want to bury her in Ischia, why not? 1042 01:08:17,887 --> 01:08:20,517 But when it comes to Willie... when it comes to my father... 1043 01:08:20,558 --> 01:08:22,389 Basically, it's a question of weather. 1044 01:08:22,426 --> 01:08:25,521 In England, people should be buried indoors. 1045 01:08:25,564 --> 01:08:28,088 How's the weather in Baltimore? 1046 01:08:28,133 --> 01:08:29,896 Not very good, really. 1047 01:08:29,936 --> 01:08:30,993 There you are. 1048 01:08:31,036 --> 01:08:33,800 Here you have the sun twelve months a year. 1049 01:08:33,839 --> 01:08:36,866 There's no need to lie in a damp grave. 1050 01:08:36,910 --> 01:08:41,041 It gets so cold and... so lonely. 1051 01:09:34,175 --> 01:09:37,145 Do you mind if we speak English? 1052 01:09:37,178 --> 01:09:38,941 Why English? 1053 01:09:38,980 --> 01:09:42,314 I do not want anybody to hear this. 1054 01:09:42,351 --> 01:09:44,785 It is confidential. 1055 01:09:44,820 --> 01:09:46,049 Who are you? 1056 01:09:46,089 --> 01:09:47,717 Let us say I am... 1057 01:09:47,758 --> 01:09:49,748 from the lost-and-found department. 1058 01:09:49,793 --> 01:09:52,352 From where? 1059 01:09:52,396 --> 01:09:58,096 Tell me, Mr. Armbruster... is he perhaps, by any chance... 1060 01:09:58,135 --> 01:10:00,161 missing something? 1061 01:10:00,204 --> 01:10:04,471 Or should I say two somethings from the morgue? 1062 01:10:15,555 --> 01:10:18,490 I hate to break the spell... 1063 01:10:18,525 --> 01:10:20,492 but before you've lost yourself completely... 1064 01:10:20,527 --> 01:10:23,725 could I ask you just for one moment to be reasonable? 1065 01:10:23,764 --> 01:10:25,164 I'll try. 1066 01:10:25,198 --> 01:10:27,759 Just think. 1067 01:10:27,802 --> 01:10:30,794 Come Tuesday, there will be 216,000 people... 1068 01:10:30,839 --> 01:10:32,808 watching that funeral in Baltimore. 1069 01:10:32,841 --> 01:10:35,811 What will it look like if there's no corpse? 1070 01:10:35,844 --> 01:10:37,312 That would look bad. 1071 01:10:37,347 --> 01:10:39,144 It would be a catastrophe. 1072 01:10:43,721 --> 01:10:45,279 Hello. 1073 01:10:45,321 --> 01:10:47,381 Mr. Carlucci's trying to catch your eye. 1074 01:10:50,662 --> 01:10:52,653 You don't know the people in Baltimore. 1075 01:10:52,696 --> 01:10:54,859 What was a beautiful romance... 1076 01:10:54,901 --> 01:10:57,199 they'd twist into something ugly and sordid. 1077 01:10:57,235 --> 01:10:58,828 We can't let that happen. 1078 01:10:58,870 --> 01:11:01,533 I'm glad you're beginning to see things my way. 1079 01:11:03,376 --> 01:11:05,572 But why should there be no corpse? 1080 01:11:05,611 --> 01:11:08,409 No reason, if you'll just cooperate. 1081 01:11:08,449 --> 01:11:10,416 But what can I do? 1082 01:11:15,290 --> 01:11:17,953 Excuse me. 1083 01:11:19,894 --> 01:11:21,623 What's so important? 1084 01:11:21,663 --> 01:11:23,292 I was finally getting somewhere. 1085 01:11:23,332 --> 01:11:25,766 You're wasting your time. She didn't take the bodies. 1086 01:11:25,801 --> 01:11:26,768 What? 1087 01:11:26,801 --> 01:11:28,270 I kept telling you. 1088 01:11:28,305 --> 01:11:30,796 But there is a man in the lobby. He knows where they are. 1089 01:11:30,841 --> 01:11:33,812 He assured me they are in excellent condition... 1090 01:11:33,845 --> 01:11:35,142 and he wants to know if you're interested... 1091 01:11:35,180 --> 01:11:36,476 in getting them back. 1092 01:11:36,514 --> 01:11:38,482 - Who is he? - He won't say. 1093 01:11:38,517 --> 01:11:40,576 He won't? He won't? 1094 01:11:54,234 --> 01:11:56,465 You must not antagonize him, or the price will go up. 1095 01:11:56,504 --> 01:11:57,596 What price? 1096 01:11:57,638 --> 01:11:59,629 I don't know yet, but I'm sure there is a price. 1097 01:12:00,876 --> 01:12:02,809 All right, you creep, where are they? 1098 01:12:02,844 --> 01:12:04,505 It's going to be more expensive. 1099 01:12:04,545 --> 01:12:09,415 If you'd care to come with me... my car is outside. 1100 01:12:36,983 --> 01:12:39,008 This is where the accident happened. 1101 01:12:46,561 --> 01:12:49,257 We were all asleep in the house... 1102 01:12:49,296 --> 01:12:51,959 when there was this terrible noise. 1103 01:12:52,000 --> 01:12:53,992 So we ran to bottom of vineyard... 1104 01:12:54,035 --> 01:12:56,664 and the car, it was smashed. 1105 01:12:56,705 --> 01:12:59,868 And the two, they are dead. 1106 01:12:59,910 --> 01:13:02,811 And she is holding him like this. 1107 01:13:02,846 --> 01:13:06,839 And the radio, it's playing "Hello, Dolly." 1108 01:13:09,554 --> 01:13:11,249 I think that's very touching. 1109 01:13:11,288 --> 01:13:13,281 It sure is. 1110 01:13:13,325 --> 01:13:14,553 This way, please. 1111 01:13:39,320 --> 01:13:40,811 This is Alberto Trotta. 1112 01:13:49,699 --> 01:13:51,724 This is Papa Trotta. 1113 01:13:51,767 --> 01:13:53,702 And Uncle Trotta. 1114 01:13:53,737 --> 01:13:56,865 This is Grandpapa Trotta. 1115 01:13:56,907 --> 01:13:58,842 And I am Armando Trotta. 1116 01:13:58,875 --> 01:14:00,571 That's a lot of Trottas. 1117 01:14:00,611 --> 01:14:03,582 You bet your sweet patootie. 1118 01:14:03,617 --> 01:14:06,244 Arnoldo and I... 1119 01:14:06,285 --> 01:14:10,552 we used to work with American armed forces. 1120 01:14:10,589 --> 01:14:12,489 Black market. 1121 01:14:12,524 --> 01:14:14,959 What's your racket now? Body-snatching? 1122 01:14:16,895 --> 01:14:20,298 We sit down and write you nice business letter... 1123 01:14:20,333 --> 01:14:23,895 asking for damages, and the Signore Carlucci... 1124 01:14:23,938 --> 01:14:27,272 he calls on telephone and tells me to "screw." 1125 01:14:27,309 --> 01:14:33,544 I did not say screw. I said sue. 1126 01:14:33,582 --> 01:14:38,316 Sue? You take bodies out of country... 1127 01:14:38,354 --> 01:14:40,219 we take case to court. 1128 01:14:40,256 --> 01:14:43,522 It takes many years, and in the end... 1129 01:14:43,561 --> 01:14:45,495 all the money, it goes to lawyers. 1130 01:14:45,529 --> 01:14:46,894 So you just stole them? 1131 01:14:46,931 --> 01:14:50,059 Stole? That is such an ugly word. 1132 01:14:50,101 --> 01:14:54,095 Let us say we are keeping them temporarily in... escrow? 1133 01:14:54,140 --> 01:14:55,128 Where? 1134 01:14:55,173 --> 01:14:58,165 They are very comfortable... 1135 01:14:58,210 --> 01:15:01,509 with candles all around and a baby-sitter. 1136 01:15:01,547 --> 01:15:04,608 And you will get them back as good as new... 1137 01:15:04,650 --> 01:15:06,483 for 2 million lira. 1138 01:15:06,520 --> 01:15:08,920 2 mil... They think I'm some kind of a sucker. 1139 01:15:08,956 --> 01:15:11,356 2 million lira for a piece of broken wall... 1140 01:15:11,392 --> 01:15:12,757 and some crushed grapes? 1141 01:15:12,794 --> 01:15:14,159 That's nothing. 1142 01:15:14,194 --> 01:15:17,188 But when there has been death in vineyard... 1143 01:15:17,232 --> 01:15:20,029 the wine turns sour. 1144 01:15:20,068 --> 01:15:23,368 - Who says so? - Is old Italian proverb. 1145 01:15:23,405 --> 01:15:25,032 I never heard of it. 1146 01:15:25,074 --> 01:15:26,633 All right, all right. 1147 01:15:26,677 --> 01:15:29,237 Let us ask some old Italians. 1148 01:15:35,720 --> 01:15:37,483 Don't believe a word they say. 1149 01:15:37,521 --> 01:15:40,217 Neapolitans, you know. Let me deal with them. 1150 01:15:40,258 --> 01:15:41,623 Neapolitans? That's bush-league. 1151 01:15:41,659 --> 01:15:43,457 I've bargained with the teamsters union. 1152 01:15:43,496 --> 01:15:45,053 Watch me handle this. 1153 01:15:45,097 --> 01:15:47,258 Hey, you. Big Trotta. 1154 01:15:49,770 --> 01:15:51,566 There you are. 1155 01:15:51,605 --> 01:15:52,902 They know the proverb. 1156 01:15:52,939 --> 01:15:54,635 The hell with that. I'm a very busy man. 1157 01:15:54,676 --> 01:15:56,006 I don't want any haggling or dickering. 1158 01:15:56,044 --> 01:15:59,376 Here's my offer, fast, firm, nonnegotiable. 1159 01:15:59,413 --> 01:16:00,505 A million lira. 1160 01:16:03,785 --> 01:16:05,878 Our family, it is big. 1161 01:16:05,920 --> 01:16:09,981 Our vineyard, it is small. It cannot support us. 1162 01:16:10,025 --> 01:16:13,324 Three of our brothers, they work in Carrara... 1163 01:16:13,363 --> 01:16:14,886 digging for marble... 1164 01:16:16,098 --> 01:16:17,760 With all the dust in the lungs. 1165 01:16:20,904 --> 01:16:23,032 All right, a million and a half. 1166 01:16:23,074 --> 01:16:27,874 Two of our sisters are prostitutes in Milano. 1167 01:16:27,912 --> 01:16:29,140 Other prostitutes... 1168 01:16:29,180 --> 01:16:31,649 they use Ferraris and Alfa Romeos... 1169 01:16:31,683 --> 01:16:35,517 but our sisters, they have to work on bicycles. 1170 01:16:35,555 --> 01:16:39,958 OK, 2 million lira, but not one cent more. 1171 01:16:44,330 --> 01:16:47,027 I could not have handled it better myself. 1172 01:16:51,606 --> 01:16:55,235 And now we'll have some wine and some goat cheese... 1173 01:16:55,277 --> 01:16:57,370 and play bocce, yes? 1174 01:17:00,315 --> 01:17:02,216 All right, here you are. 1175 01:17:03,886 --> 01:17:05,513 $3,500? 1176 01:17:05,555 --> 01:17:07,352 That's 2 million lira, isn't it? 1177 01:17:07,391 --> 01:17:09,551 We cannot take this from you. 1178 01:17:09,593 --> 01:17:11,288 Why not? 1179 01:17:11,327 --> 01:17:17,461 You are such a good man, so simpatico. 1180 01:17:17,502 --> 01:17:19,130 We do not want this. 1181 01:17:19,170 --> 01:17:21,298 What do you mean, you don't want it? Come on. 1182 01:17:21,339 --> 01:17:24,605 We want it, but not in dollars. 1183 01:17:24,644 --> 01:17:27,237 We take Swiss francs, we take German marks... 1184 01:17:27,280 --> 01:17:28,906 we take Japanese yens... 1185 01:17:28,948 --> 01:17:33,579 but with your economy sick like a dog, no dollars. 1186 01:17:49,738 --> 01:17:54,438 To repeat... at noon, we meet behind the morgue. 1187 01:17:54,477 --> 01:17:56,708 You will bring the German marks. 1188 01:17:56,747 --> 01:17:58,544 We will bring bodies. 1189 01:17:58,583 --> 01:18:02,450 We will also bring fresh flowers... no charge. 1190 01:18:10,729 --> 01:18:13,858 Do you realize I've gone forty hours without sleep? 1191 01:18:13,900 --> 01:18:16,095 I'm gonna hit the sack and just flake out. 1192 01:18:16,135 --> 01:18:17,865 - I envy you. - When do you sleep? 1193 01:18:17,905 --> 01:18:19,395 In the winter. 1194 01:18:59,886 --> 01:19:02,582 Your crepes suzette. I've kept them warm. 1195 01:19:09,095 --> 01:19:10,428 Good morning. 1196 01:19:18,974 --> 01:19:20,943 I hope you're not angry with me. 1197 01:19:20,978 --> 01:19:22,877 Angry with you? 1198 01:19:22,912 --> 01:19:25,210 I ordered some champagne for the gentlemen. 1199 01:19:25,246 --> 01:19:26,339 Why not? 1200 01:19:26,383 --> 01:19:28,351 I'm sorry I suddenly disappeared like that. 1201 01:19:28,384 --> 01:19:29,545 It was a minor crisis. 1202 01:19:29,585 --> 01:19:31,052 As long as you're not too late. 1203 01:19:31,087 --> 01:19:33,386 Yes, I had to straighten something out. 1204 01:19:33,423 --> 01:19:35,983 The curve in the road where the accident happened... 1205 01:19:36,026 --> 01:19:37,550 You don't happen to have a shoehorn, do you? 1206 01:19:37,594 --> 01:19:39,586 - What? - Never mind. 1207 01:19:40,764 --> 01:19:44,395 I've been thinking about that funeral in Baltimore. 1208 01:19:44,437 --> 01:19:46,131 Where's it going to be? 1209 01:19:46,171 --> 01:19:47,899 First Presbyterian Church. Why? 1210 01:19:47,940 --> 01:19:49,670 Because I want to send a wreath. 1211 01:19:49,708 --> 01:19:51,108 A wreath? 1212 01:19:51,143 --> 01:19:54,546 With some ribbons and something printed on it in gold. 1213 01:19:54,581 --> 01:19:55,980 Like what? 1214 01:19:56,016 --> 01:19:57,847 I thought you might have some suggestions. 1215 01:19:57,884 --> 01:19:59,853 - No. - What, no suggestions? 1216 01:19:59,886 --> 01:20:01,353 No wreath. 1217 01:20:01,389 --> 01:20:04,291 How about a simple, "Ciao, Willie"? 1218 01:20:04,325 --> 01:20:05,851 Nobody would ever know. 1219 01:20:05,894 --> 01:20:08,361 The family has specifically requested... 1220 01:20:08,397 --> 01:20:10,365 Why don't you just give a small contribution... 1221 01:20:10,399 --> 01:20:12,333 to your favorite charity? 1222 01:20:12,368 --> 01:20:14,096 Shall I serve the crepes suzette? 1223 01:20:14,136 --> 01:20:15,194 Not now. 1224 01:20:15,237 --> 01:20:17,536 If we don't hurry, we'll miss it. 1225 01:20:17,573 --> 01:20:20,666 - What? Miss what? - The sunrise. 1226 01:20:20,710 --> 01:20:22,007 I don't know why I'm bothering with these. 1227 01:20:22,046 --> 01:20:23,536 I'll just have to take them off anyway. 1228 01:20:23,580 --> 01:20:25,548 What was that with the sunrise? 1229 01:20:25,583 --> 01:20:28,678 Over Mount Vesuvius and swimming out to the rock. 1230 01:20:28,720 --> 01:20:30,846 You mean, you and me... 1231 01:20:30,889 --> 01:20:32,516 Wasn't that the whole idea? 1232 01:20:32,557 --> 01:20:33,855 Fat chance! 1233 01:20:33,892 --> 01:20:35,621 I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way. 1234 01:20:35,661 --> 01:20:38,094 It's nothing personal, you understand. 1235 01:20:43,937 --> 01:20:45,963 Could you help me with my zip, please? 1236 01:20:46,006 --> 01:20:47,200 Certainly. 1237 01:20:48,915 --> 01:20:50,849 If you'll just give me a minute... 1238 01:20:50,883 --> 01:20:53,010 I'm sure I could find us a couple of bathing suits. 1239 01:20:53,052 --> 01:20:54,383 But why bother? 1240 01:20:55,789 --> 01:20:58,848 I don't want you to think that I'm stuffy or uptight. 1241 01:20:58,891 --> 01:21:00,884 I'm considered a pretty groovy catch. 1242 01:21:00,929 --> 01:21:02,520 You know, tuned in. 1243 01:21:02,564 --> 01:21:04,997 Like when I'm on business in Los Angeles... 1244 01:21:05,032 --> 01:21:08,060 I always have lunch at a topless... place. 1245 01:21:09,737 --> 01:21:12,037 Just because I don't have the long sideburns... 1246 01:21:12,074 --> 01:21:14,042 that doesn't mean that... 1247 01:21:14,076 --> 01:21:15,771 Did you ever hear of "Old Calcutta"? 1248 01:21:15,811 --> 01:21:20,215 I've seen it twice, and "Carnal Knowledge," too. 1249 01:21:20,250 --> 01:21:21,615 Yeah, the permissive society... 1250 01:21:21,650 --> 01:21:23,642 age of Aquarius, sexual revolution... 1251 01:21:23,687 --> 01:21:25,848 I'm into all of that. 1252 01:21:25,889 --> 01:21:27,880 Take the secretaries in our home office... 1253 01:21:27,924 --> 01:21:29,860 always wearing those hot pants. 1254 01:21:29,895 --> 01:21:31,385 There's nothing wrong with that... 1255 01:21:31,430 --> 01:21:35,231 just as long as they're worn by consenting adults. 1256 01:21:35,267 --> 01:21:38,327 Please keep in mind that it's Sunday... 1257 01:21:38,370 --> 01:21:39,998 and this is a Catholic country... 1258 01:21:40,039 --> 01:21:42,906 and they may think it's in very poor taste. 1259 01:21:50,050 --> 01:21:52,143 Can you hear me? 1260 01:22:07,269 --> 01:22:08,794 Oh, my God. 1261 01:23:48,351 --> 01:23:50,319 Are you all right? 1262 01:23:50,353 --> 01:23:53,015 I'm fantastic. 1263 01:23:53,056 --> 01:23:55,025 I'll give you one minute to catch your breath. 1264 01:23:55,059 --> 01:23:56,651 Then we're gonna swim back. 1265 01:23:56,694 --> 01:23:58,492 What's the rush? 1266 01:23:58,530 --> 01:24:02,125 No rush. Just a little cold in here in the water. 1267 01:24:02,167 --> 01:24:04,966 Nice and warm here, just lying in the sun... 1268 01:24:05,004 --> 01:24:07,029 with your eyes closed. 1269 01:24:07,073 --> 01:24:09,041 Yeah? Are your eyes closed? 1270 01:24:09,075 --> 01:24:10,168 Why? 1271 01:24:10,210 --> 01:24:13,576 Nothing. Just asking. 1272 01:24:30,399 --> 01:24:33,027 Here we are... 1273 01:24:33,069 --> 01:24:36,163 basking like two baby seals. 1274 01:24:42,313 --> 01:24:46,148 Wonder what they talked about... Willie and Kate. 1275 01:24:46,184 --> 01:24:48,517 I'm sure they didn't talk at all. 1276 01:24:48,553 --> 01:24:50,420 They would just listen. 1277 01:24:50,456 --> 01:24:52,447 To the wind and the waves... 1278 01:24:52,490 --> 01:24:56,189 and the beat, beat, beat of their foolish hearts. 1279 01:24:56,229 --> 01:24:58,025 Why not? 1280 01:24:58,064 --> 01:25:00,532 When you're in love, you don't need words. 1281 01:25:00,567 --> 01:25:05,369 A look, a touch, a sigh... you've said it all. 1282 01:25:06,708 --> 01:25:10,610 That's not bad. I should try that on my wife. 1283 01:25:10,644 --> 01:25:12,545 Every time I come home from work completely pooped... 1284 01:25:12,581 --> 01:25:16,243 she always wants to know why I don't talk to her. 1285 01:25:18,154 --> 01:25:22,215 Do you and Bertram... 1286 01:25:22,259 --> 01:25:24,124 Do you communicate much? 1287 01:25:24,161 --> 01:25:25,856 We haven't talked for six months. 1288 01:25:25,896 --> 01:25:29,458 Beautiful. You must really dig each other. 1289 01:25:29,500 --> 01:25:30,865 The fact of the matter is... 1290 01:25:30,902 --> 01:25:33,564 we haven't seen each other for six months. 1291 01:25:33,605 --> 01:25:35,596 The bastard walked out on me... 1292 01:25:35,640 --> 01:25:37,767 stole my telly, two Picasso posters... 1293 01:25:37,809 --> 01:25:39,744 and my hairdryer. 1294 01:25:39,777 --> 01:25:41,769 There's an apostle for you. 1295 01:25:41,814 --> 01:25:45,808 Moved in with some skinny girl in Kensington. 1296 01:25:45,852 --> 01:25:47,581 When I found out, would you believe... 1297 01:25:47,622 --> 01:25:49,418 I tried to commit suicide? 1298 01:25:49,456 --> 01:25:51,755 - No. - Yes. 1299 01:25:51,791 --> 01:25:53,349 I took my week's salary... 1300 01:25:53,394 --> 01:25:55,487 bought myself a suitcase full of fish and chips... 1301 01:25:55,529 --> 01:25:57,362 and a dozen bottles of Guinness stout... 1302 01:25:57,398 --> 01:25:59,525 and tried to eat myself to death. 1303 01:25:59,567 --> 01:26:01,763 Took them hours to pump my stomach out. 1304 01:26:01,802 --> 01:26:04,033 Was it worth it for a guy like that? 1305 01:26:04,071 --> 01:26:07,531 It was stupid, but I've learned my lesson. 1306 01:26:07,577 --> 01:26:08,635 Good. 1307 01:26:08,678 --> 01:26:10,669 No more fish and chips. 1308 01:26:14,585 --> 01:26:16,279 I guess there is something... 1309 01:26:16,319 --> 01:26:18,482 to what it says in the tourist guide. 1310 01:26:18,522 --> 01:26:20,854 What does it say? 1311 01:26:20,891 --> 01:26:24,019 It says, "ltaly is not a country. 1312 01:26:24,062 --> 01:26:25,586 "It's an emotion." 1313 01:26:25,629 --> 01:26:28,395 It's certainly been an experience. 1314 01:26:36,709 --> 01:26:39,941 I'm afraid we have some sightseers. 1315 01:26:59,703 --> 01:27:03,400 Please. Where's your British reserve? 1316 01:27:13,652 --> 01:27:15,052 Here. 1317 01:27:15,087 --> 01:27:16,748 Maybe you can use these. 1318 01:28:00,439 --> 01:28:03,931 That was quite the loveliest night of my life. 1319 01:28:03,976 --> 01:28:05,341 Thank you. 1320 01:28:05,377 --> 01:28:08,072 You're entirely welcome. See you around. 1321 01:28:44,456 --> 01:28:45,615 What's up? 1322 01:28:45,656 --> 01:28:47,590 It's an emergency. The Baron Forshmetelli's suite. 1323 01:28:47,624 --> 01:28:49,388 I hope it's not a heart attack. 1324 01:28:49,427 --> 01:28:50,792 That old crock, I wouldn't be surprised. 1325 01:28:50,829 --> 01:28:54,732 No, it's not the baron. It's one of the nurses. 1326 01:29:19,929 --> 01:29:21,453 Good night, Willie. 1327 01:29:23,833 --> 01:29:24,993 Good night, Kate. 1328 01:30:07,383 --> 01:30:09,317 Good morning, sir. Are you all right? 1329 01:30:09,351 --> 01:30:10,375 What? 1330 01:30:10,419 --> 01:30:11,852 Because they told me, at seven this morning... 1331 01:30:11,888 --> 01:30:13,549 you asked for two bottles of aspirin. 1332 01:30:13,590 --> 01:30:15,785 Oh, that. I just needed the cotton. 1333 01:30:15,825 --> 01:30:17,794 Damn bells. You talk about noise pollution. 1334 01:30:17,828 --> 01:30:21,390 There are 68 churches in Ischia. They all want the business. 1335 01:30:21,432 --> 01:30:22,763 How's that nurse? She all right? 1336 01:30:22,801 --> 01:30:24,324 Yes. Just a slipped disk. 1337 01:30:24,369 --> 01:30:27,098 The three of them, they were playing frogleap. 1338 01:30:27,139 --> 01:30:28,572 The word is leapfrog. 1339 01:30:28,608 --> 01:30:30,837 I would rather not know. 1340 01:30:30,876 --> 01:30:32,275 I have come to give a progress report. 1341 01:30:32,311 --> 01:30:34,506 - How we doing? - We are making progress. 1342 01:30:34,547 --> 01:30:36,411 I have met with the Trotta brothers. 1343 01:30:36,449 --> 01:30:37,915 I gave them German marks. 1344 01:30:37,950 --> 01:30:39,578 The bodies are back in the morgue. 1345 01:30:39,620 --> 01:30:40,586 Good. 1346 01:30:40,620 --> 01:30:42,088 The doctor from Capri has examined them. 1347 01:30:42,122 --> 01:30:43,487 I have the health certificates right here. 1348 01:30:43,524 --> 01:30:44,582 What about the coffins? 1349 01:30:44,625 --> 01:30:47,220 They arrived this morning, all three of them. 1350 01:30:47,262 --> 01:30:48,388 Three? 1351 01:30:48,430 --> 01:30:50,591 The two from Bologna and that first one... 1352 01:30:50,632 --> 01:30:53,294 that I ordered from Amalfi, remember? 1353 01:30:53,336 --> 01:30:55,269 There is no refund, no exchange. 1354 01:30:55,303 --> 01:30:58,329 No big deal. Make a lamp out of it. 1355 01:30:58,374 --> 01:30:59,704 About my nephew. 1356 01:30:59,742 --> 01:31:01,208 He got to Naples, and his friend... 1357 01:31:01,244 --> 01:31:02,768 let him into the license bureau... 1358 01:31:02,812 --> 01:31:04,247 even though it's closed on Sunday... 1359 01:31:04,281 --> 01:31:05,612 and he got the export license. 1360 01:31:05,649 --> 01:31:06,946 Then we're all set. 1361 01:31:06,984 --> 01:31:09,953 Yes and no, because this nephew... 1362 01:31:09,988 --> 01:31:12,013 he gets tickets for speeding all the time... 1363 01:31:12,055 --> 01:31:13,524 and while he was in that empty building... 1364 01:31:13,558 --> 01:31:14,855 he got to the file... 1365 01:31:14,894 --> 01:31:17,293 and he removed ten of his traffic citations... 1366 01:31:17,328 --> 01:31:18,762 and now he's in jail. 1367 01:31:18,797 --> 01:31:20,230 What about the export license? 1368 01:31:20,266 --> 01:31:21,631 They're holding that as evidence. 1369 01:31:21,667 --> 01:31:22,861 But not to worry. 1370 01:31:22,902 --> 01:31:25,031 When the court opens in the morning... 1371 01:31:25,072 --> 01:31:26,333 I have a cousin who is a lawyer. 1372 01:31:26,373 --> 01:31:28,341 I will get to him straightaway. 1373 01:31:28,375 --> 01:31:30,571 He is the worst lawyer in Naples... 1374 01:31:30,610 --> 01:31:32,135 but fortunately, he and the judge... 1375 01:31:32,179 --> 01:31:33,611 they have the same mistress. 1376 01:31:33,648 --> 01:31:37,380 Is that what you call Italian justice? 1377 01:31:37,418 --> 01:31:40,877 What about Sacco and Vanzetti? 1378 01:32:58,911 --> 01:33:00,309 When are you people going to learn... 1379 01:33:00,346 --> 01:33:01,813 how to make a decent cup of coffee? 1380 01:33:01,847 --> 01:33:03,872 You know what I had for breakfast? 1381 01:33:03,915 --> 01:33:05,816 Hot Pepsi-Cola. 1382 01:33:05,853 --> 01:33:07,877 - What's that? - Your shorts. 1383 01:33:07,920 --> 01:33:09,684 They washed up on the beach. 1384 01:33:09,723 --> 01:33:12,158 My shorts? What makes you think they're my shorts? 1385 01:33:12,193 --> 01:33:13,318 Maybe I am wrong. 1386 01:33:13,361 --> 01:33:15,557 Maybe they belong to the young lady. 1387 01:33:15,598 --> 01:33:17,326 Just put them down, will you? 1388 01:33:18,666 --> 01:33:20,999 About those photographs I mentioned... 1389 01:33:21,037 --> 01:33:23,130 your father and his friend. 1390 01:33:23,172 --> 01:33:26,141 I have searched and searched and searched... 1391 01:33:26,175 --> 01:33:28,769 - And? - I found them. 1392 01:33:28,811 --> 01:33:32,179 Of all places, they were inside my mattress. 1393 01:33:35,887 --> 01:33:37,514 Is this the complete set? 1394 01:33:37,556 --> 01:33:40,354 Absolutely. That's the beauty of Polaroid... 1395 01:33:40,391 --> 01:33:42,757 no negatives and just one print. 1396 01:33:42,795 --> 01:33:45,355 Fair enough. What was our deal? I owe you a hundred bucks? 1397 01:33:45,397 --> 01:33:46,421 No, please... 1398 01:33:46,465 --> 01:33:48,262 You want Swiss francs or German marks? 1399 01:33:48,300 --> 01:33:50,791 I told you, it's not a question of money. 1400 01:33:50,836 --> 01:33:54,068 I don't need money. What I need is... 1401 01:33:55,776 --> 01:33:57,767 A visa. 1402 01:33:57,812 --> 01:33:59,279 A visa? 1403 01:33:59,312 --> 01:34:01,679 Yes. I want to go back to America... 1404 01:34:01,716 --> 01:34:03,148 and you can help me. 1405 01:34:03,185 --> 01:34:04,481 How? 1406 01:34:04,518 --> 01:34:06,282 You know all the big shots... 1407 01:34:06,321 --> 01:34:08,152 senators, the State Department... 1408 01:34:08,190 --> 01:34:10,714 Dr. Kissinger. You can pull strings. 1409 01:34:10,759 --> 01:34:11,784 Not a chance. 1410 01:34:11,828 --> 01:34:13,419 Not once you've been deported as a criminal. 1411 01:34:13,463 --> 01:34:15,454 A criminal? I'm not a criminal. 1412 01:34:15,498 --> 01:34:17,160 I'm a patriot. 1413 01:34:17,201 --> 01:34:19,396 You know why they deported me? 1414 01:34:19,435 --> 01:34:21,597 There were all these hippies... 1415 01:34:21,638 --> 01:34:24,107 demonstrating in Washington Square... 1416 01:34:24,141 --> 01:34:26,575 calling our President filthy names... 1417 01:34:26,610 --> 01:34:29,273 and burning the American flag... 1418 01:34:29,314 --> 01:34:34,081 on July 4th, with police all around doing nothing. 1419 01:34:34,120 --> 01:34:36,884 So I got pissed off... 1420 01:34:36,923 --> 01:34:40,154 and pulled my gun out of my holster... 1421 01:34:40,193 --> 01:34:42,525 and what do you think happened? 1422 01:34:42,562 --> 01:34:47,829 The cops arrested me. It was a bum rap. 1423 01:34:47,868 --> 01:34:51,100 Give me all the details, and then when I get back... 1424 01:34:51,139 --> 01:34:53,107 This can't wait. 1425 01:34:53,141 --> 01:34:56,771 You know that maid Anna... with the mustache? 1426 01:34:56,811 --> 01:34:59,941 - What about her? - She wants me to marry her. 1427 01:34:59,982 --> 01:35:00,950 Congratulations. 1428 01:35:00,984 --> 01:35:02,315 God forbid. 1429 01:35:02,352 --> 01:35:05,116 If there is one thing worse than a Sicilian woman... 1430 01:35:05,155 --> 01:35:08,319 it's a Sicilian woman who's pregnant. 1431 01:35:08,358 --> 01:35:11,794 I must get out of here fast. 1432 01:35:11,828 --> 01:35:14,855 I sympathize with you, and I'll do all I can... 1433 01:35:14,899 --> 01:35:17,299 but I can't make you any promises. 1434 01:35:17,334 --> 01:35:20,669 I am counting on you. 1435 01:35:22,874 --> 01:35:24,775 Because, you see... 1436 01:35:24,810 --> 01:35:27,677 I have other photographs... 1437 01:35:27,713 --> 01:35:30,547 taken this morning. 1438 01:35:30,584 --> 01:35:34,350 Same rock, same sunrise... 1439 01:35:34,389 --> 01:35:37,222 different bodies. 1440 01:35:37,257 --> 01:35:40,820 So you better try very hard. 1441 01:35:44,967 --> 01:35:46,992 Wait a minute. 1442 01:35:49,138 --> 01:35:50,435 Where are those pictures? 1443 01:35:50,472 --> 01:35:52,100 They are not in my mattress. 1444 01:35:52,142 --> 01:35:55,133 You miserable little crook, I'll beat the bejesus out of you! 1445 01:35:57,647 --> 01:35:59,172 What a day. Do you believe it? 1446 01:35:59,217 --> 01:36:02,118 And how about all those bells? Smashing, aren't they? 1447 01:36:02,154 --> 01:36:03,746 Smashing is right. 1448 01:36:03,789 --> 01:36:06,155 If you need me, just ring. 1449 01:36:07,658 --> 01:36:09,786 Is it all right if I go into your bathroom? 1450 01:36:09,828 --> 01:36:11,159 Yeah, by all means. 1451 01:36:13,833 --> 01:36:15,801 Don't let me interrupt. Go ahead and finish your breakfast. 1452 01:36:15,835 --> 01:36:18,325 Isn't the coffee here fabulous? 1453 01:36:24,211 --> 01:36:25,543 What happened? 1454 01:36:27,214 --> 01:36:29,307 What's the matter? Did you burn yourself? 1455 01:36:29,351 --> 01:36:30,477 Guess what. 1456 01:36:30,519 --> 01:36:31,780 I weighed myself on my own scales... 1457 01:36:31,820 --> 01:36:34,050 but I didn't believe it, so I came here to check. 1458 01:36:34,089 --> 01:36:36,217 - I've lost three pounds. - Really? 1459 01:36:36,259 --> 01:36:37,920 After that enormous meal last night... 1460 01:36:37,959 --> 01:36:39,655 and strawberries and cream this morning... 1461 01:36:39,694 --> 01:36:42,323 and bacon and eggs and croissant and butter. 1462 01:36:42,365 --> 01:36:43,832 Wait till I see Dr. Shaftsbury. 1463 01:36:43,866 --> 01:36:45,335 They should defrock him or disbar him... 1464 01:36:45,369 --> 01:36:46,667 or whatever they do. 1465 01:36:46,704 --> 01:36:48,603 - Who's Dr. Shaftsbury? - My psychiatrist. 1466 01:36:48,640 --> 01:36:49,606 Him, yeah. 1467 01:36:49,641 --> 01:36:52,633 He kept telling me I was unhappy because I was overweight. 1468 01:36:52,677 --> 01:36:54,543 Rubbish! Obviously I was overweight... 1469 01:36:54,579 --> 01:36:56,137 because I was unhappy. See what I mean? 1470 01:36:56,180 --> 01:36:57,670 Yes, I do. I think I do. 1471 01:36:57,715 --> 01:36:58,876 How long will it take you? 1472 01:36:58,917 --> 01:37:00,214 Because I can be ready in no time. 1473 01:37:00,252 --> 01:37:01,219 Why? 1474 01:37:01,253 --> 01:37:02,845 You know those carts with the horses... 1475 01:37:02,887 --> 01:37:04,321 with the feathers on their heads? 1476 01:37:04,357 --> 01:37:06,258 I thought maybe we could take a ride around the island... 1477 01:37:06,293 --> 01:37:09,457 and stop for a late lunch somewhere. 1478 01:37:09,497 --> 01:37:10,589 I'm starved again. 1479 01:37:10,631 --> 01:37:12,462 I'd like to, but there's so many things... 1480 01:37:12,500 --> 01:37:15,230 I have to take care of here at the hotel. 1481 01:37:15,270 --> 01:37:18,136 - It's our last day. - There's still tonight. 1482 01:37:18,173 --> 01:37:19,639 Same program? 1483 01:37:19,674 --> 01:37:21,666 Dinner downstairs and sunrise and... 1484 01:37:23,178 --> 01:37:24,974 Last night, that was their thing. 1485 01:37:25,013 --> 01:37:26,811 I thought maybe tonight we'd do something different... 1486 01:37:26,850 --> 01:37:28,408 an our thing. 1487 01:37:28,452 --> 01:37:30,009 Surprise me. 1488 01:39:23,015 --> 01:39:25,506 You can do my room now. 1489 01:45:50,422 --> 01:45:51,946 Here you are. 1490 01:45:51,991 --> 01:45:53,960 You call this a first-class hotel? 1491 01:45:53,994 --> 01:45:55,961 If it is about the bed not being made, I can explain. 1492 01:45:55,996 --> 01:45:57,463 Who cares about the bed? 1493 01:45:57,496 --> 01:45:59,227 It's about the valet on this floor... Bruno. 1494 01:45:59,267 --> 01:46:00,564 You know about it? 1495 01:46:00,601 --> 01:46:02,068 I know he's a goddamn blackmailer. 1496 01:46:02,103 --> 01:46:03,435 I ought to kill that dirty little fink. 1497 01:46:03,472 --> 01:46:06,032 - It has all been taken care of. - What has? 1498 01:46:06,073 --> 01:46:08,942 - The dirty little fink is dead. - Dead? 1499 01:46:08,977 --> 01:46:10,274 Murdered. He's lying in room 126... 1500 01:46:10,312 --> 01:46:11,575 with three bullets in his chest. 1501 01:46:11,613 --> 01:46:13,377 Miss Piggott's room? 1502 01:46:13,415 --> 01:46:15,907 She had nothing to do with it. It was the maid Anna. 1503 01:46:15,952 --> 01:46:17,419 She killed him, and then she ran away. 1504 01:46:17,452 --> 01:46:19,421 That is why your bed has not been made. 1505 01:46:19,455 --> 01:46:20,423 Terrible. 1506 01:46:20,458 --> 01:46:21,925 It's a tragedy. 1507 01:46:21,959 --> 01:46:23,824 If you lose a guest, you can always replace him. 1508 01:46:23,861 --> 01:46:26,854 But to lose a valet and a maid in the middle of the season... 1509 01:46:26,898 --> 01:46:29,992 Listen, that character Bruno, he took some photographs. 1510 01:46:30,035 --> 01:46:31,936 Perfectly innocent, mind you... 1511 01:46:31,970 --> 01:46:33,699 but if they fell into the wrong hands... 1512 01:46:33,739 --> 01:46:37,334 Don't worry. They fell into the right hands. 1513 01:46:37,376 --> 01:46:40,140 I'm sorry. I had to look just for a second... 1514 01:46:40,178 --> 01:46:44,014 but I had to make sure who they belonged to. 1515 01:46:44,051 --> 01:46:45,144 Thanks. 1516 01:46:45,185 --> 01:46:48,019 There is just one thing that puzzled me. 1517 01:46:48,056 --> 01:46:50,456 The black socks... 1518 01:46:50,491 --> 01:46:52,822 Is it because you are in mourning? 1519 01:47:08,011 --> 01:47:10,572 - What's this? - Miss Piggott's things. 1520 01:47:10,614 --> 01:47:13,105 We are moving them in here temporarily, as a precaution. 1521 01:47:13,150 --> 01:47:15,585 - What precaution? - The police will arrive... 1522 01:47:15,620 --> 01:47:17,086 and we do not want her involved. 1523 01:47:17,121 --> 01:47:19,590 They will start asking all kinds of questions. 1524 01:47:19,623 --> 01:47:21,922 And who knows what may come out. 1525 01:47:21,960 --> 01:47:24,156 What would I do without you? 1526 01:47:24,197 --> 01:47:26,792 I have often wondered about that. 1527 01:49:01,874 --> 01:49:05,173 I'm sorry, but you have been moved. 1528 01:49:05,211 --> 01:49:06,769 Moved? Why? 1529 01:49:06,811 --> 01:49:10,715 I just follow orders. You are now in 121-122. 1530 01:49:10,751 --> 01:49:12,616 But I was perfectly happy... 1531 01:49:13,788 --> 01:49:15,312 121-122? 1532 01:49:15,356 --> 01:49:16,983 Mr. Armbruster's suite. 1533 01:49:23,833 --> 01:49:27,290 I'm sorry for the inconvenience. 1534 01:49:27,336 --> 01:49:28,462 Don't be. 1535 01:50:15,458 --> 01:50:17,323 It's me... Pamela. 1536 01:50:17,360 --> 01:50:18,520 Hi! 1537 01:50:22,332 --> 01:50:25,166 I'm in the tub. Make yourself at home. 1538 01:50:26,670 --> 01:50:30,608 I must say, you do have some cheek. 1539 01:50:30,641 --> 01:50:32,666 I do? 1540 01:50:32,710 --> 01:50:35,771 Aren't you taking rather a lot for granted? 1541 01:50:35,814 --> 01:50:37,783 Just what made you think that I would have... 1542 01:50:37,817 --> 01:50:41,378 the slightest interest in this arrangement? 1543 01:50:41,421 --> 01:50:43,447 Did you say something? 1544 01:50:43,489 --> 01:50:45,753 Not that I expected any subtlety from you. 1545 01:50:45,792 --> 01:50:47,260 After all, you're American. 1546 01:50:47,294 --> 01:50:50,092 You're accustomed to having everything your own way. 1547 01:50:50,129 --> 01:50:53,930 You see something you want, and you just grab it. 1548 01:50:53,968 --> 01:50:55,161 Come again? 1549 01:50:55,202 --> 01:50:57,398 London Bridge, for instance. 1550 01:50:57,439 --> 01:51:00,034 You simply took it apart stone by stone... 1551 01:51:00,076 --> 01:51:02,636 and shipped it off to someplace in the wild west. 1552 01:51:02,677 --> 01:51:05,739 Or the Queen Mary, with all that tradition... 1553 01:51:05,781 --> 01:51:08,272 sitting there off the coast of California... 1554 01:51:08,317 --> 01:51:10,878 reduced to a floating cafeteria. 1555 01:51:10,921 --> 01:51:12,354 What the hell are you talking about? 1556 01:51:12,389 --> 01:51:15,415 Such conceit, such arrogance. 1557 01:51:15,460 --> 01:51:17,985 You act as though you own the world. 1558 01:51:18,029 --> 01:51:21,466 Playing golf on the moon. Now, really. 1559 01:51:21,500 --> 01:51:24,025 Me, I play golf at the country club. 1560 01:51:24,068 --> 01:51:25,127 Twelve handicap. 1561 01:51:25,170 --> 01:51:28,139 And then you wonder why people don't like you. 1562 01:51:28,174 --> 01:51:30,368 Because you're like spoiled children... 1563 01:51:30,409 --> 01:51:33,868 no manners, no consideration. 1564 01:51:33,913 --> 01:51:36,608 You don't just pick up the phone and say... 1565 01:51:36,649 --> 01:51:39,745 "Move that bird in here from 126." 1566 01:51:39,787 --> 01:51:41,755 If I'm to have an affair with someone... 1567 01:51:41,789 --> 01:51:43,257 I'd like to know it first... 1568 01:51:43,291 --> 01:51:46,419 and not hear about it from the concierge. 1569 01:51:48,530 --> 01:51:50,465 Oh, my god. The bags. 1570 01:51:50,499 --> 01:51:51,966 Wait a minute! 1571 01:51:52,001 --> 01:51:53,194 A girl likes to be asked. 1572 01:51:53,235 --> 01:51:55,227 She should be given a chance to say no. 1573 01:51:55,270 --> 01:51:56,238 Miss Piggott... 1574 01:51:56,271 --> 01:51:58,069 She wants to be talked into it. 1575 01:51:58,107 --> 01:52:01,100 What we have here is a failure of communication. 1576 01:52:06,751 --> 01:52:09,719 It's not that I'm women's lib or anything. 1577 01:52:09,754 --> 01:52:13,054 I don't mind being treated as a sex object... 1578 01:52:13,091 --> 01:52:15,026 but it's like any other game. 1579 01:52:15,059 --> 01:52:16,925 You have to play according to the rules... 1580 01:52:16,962 --> 01:52:18,589 or it takes all the fun out of it. 1581 01:52:18,631 --> 01:52:22,363 Hang on a minute before things get out of hand! 1582 01:52:33,148 --> 01:52:36,275 Hello? Hello? 1583 01:52:36,318 --> 01:52:37,284 Baltimore? 1584 01:52:37,318 --> 01:52:40,311 Yes, this is Mr. Armbruster's suite. 1585 01:52:40,355 --> 01:52:43,290 Could you speak up a bit, please? 1586 01:52:43,326 --> 01:52:45,294 I'm sorry. Wendell can't come to the phone right now. 1587 01:52:45,329 --> 01:52:47,160 He's in the bathroom. 1588 01:52:47,197 --> 01:52:49,028 Can I help you? 1589 01:52:49,065 --> 01:52:51,261 This is Miss Piggott. 1590 01:52:51,302 --> 01:52:53,133 Am I the what? 1591 01:52:53,170 --> 01:52:55,001 The interpreter? 1592 01:52:56,006 --> 01:52:59,203 Whatever gave you that idea? 1593 01:52:59,243 --> 01:53:02,543 Hello? Hello? 1594 01:53:31,982 --> 01:53:34,473 - This... - You're dripping. 1595 01:53:36,987 --> 01:53:39,455 Whatever you may think of Americans... 1596 01:53:39,488 --> 01:53:41,458 I do not consider you "a bird." 1597 01:53:41,491 --> 01:53:43,460 - I do not take you for granted... - Thank you. 1598 01:53:43,493 --> 01:53:44,960 About your things being here... 1599 01:53:44,995 --> 01:53:46,463 there was no time to ask you. 1600 01:53:46,497 --> 01:53:48,466 You were out of the hotel, and under the circumstances... 1601 01:53:48,500 --> 01:53:50,127 it seemed the most practical thing to do. 1602 01:53:50,168 --> 01:53:52,637 - I understand. - No, you don't. 1603 01:53:52,671 --> 01:53:54,434 You were moved out of your room... 1604 01:53:54,473 --> 01:53:56,466 for your own protection, for our protection. 1605 01:53:56,509 --> 01:53:58,306 We do have to be very careful. 1606 01:53:58,345 --> 01:54:01,905 I said surprise me, and you certainly did. 1607 01:54:01,949 --> 01:54:03,917 You're taller than I thought. 1608 01:54:09,190 --> 01:54:11,920 What... The bed. 1609 01:54:11,960 --> 01:54:13,588 Have you noticed it's not been made up? 1610 01:54:13,629 --> 01:54:14,926 I'll do it later. 1611 01:54:14,963 --> 01:54:16,430 That's because of Anna, the maid. 1612 01:54:16,465 --> 01:54:19,434 It seems that she was pregnant by Bruno, the valet. 1613 01:54:19,468 --> 01:54:22,562 The things that go on on this floor. 1614 01:54:22,605 --> 01:54:24,436 She wanted to get married, but he didn't. 1615 01:54:24,474 --> 01:54:26,441 He wanted to go back to America... 1616 01:54:26,476 --> 01:54:28,443 but there was a problem because he'd been deported. 1617 01:54:28,478 --> 01:54:31,039 So he wanted me to help him, and she found out about it... 1618 01:54:31,083 --> 01:54:33,312 Is this going to be a long story? 1619 01:54:33,351 --> 01:54:36,377 Anyway, the maid... she's Sicilian, you know... 1620 01:54:36,422 --> 01:54:38,787 she got a gun, and she shot him just like that. 1621 01:54:38,824 --> 01:54:40,985 Three bullets right through the photographs. 1622 01:54:41,027 --> 01:54:42,994 And that's why your bags... 1623 01:54:46,666 --> 01:54:48,633 All clear. The body has been removed. 1624 01:54:48,668 --> 01:54:50,762 The police have left the hotel. 1625 01:54:50,804 --> 01:54:52,966 So we can now take Miss Piggott's luggage... 1626 01:54:53,008 --> 01:54:54,498 back to her room. 1627 01:54:56,010 --> 01:54:58,002 I'll take care of that. 1628 01:55:06,022 --> 01:55:08,489 As I was trying to tell you... 1629 01:55:08,523 --> 01:55:10,492 The murder... She shot him in your room. 1630 01:55:10,526 --> 01:55:12,495 We had to move you out of there fast... 1631 01:55:12,528 --> 01:55:14,997 before the police got there. 1632 01:55:15,033 --> 01:55:19,560 Then this was not exactly an... invitation? 1633 01:55:19,603 --> 01:55:20,628 Not really. 1634 01:55:20,672 --> 01:55:24,300 As a matter of fact, it was Carlucci's idea. 1635 01:55:24,341 --> 01:55:25,674 How stupid. 1636 01:55:25,710 --> 01:55:27,837 No, it wasn't. Because the Italian police... 1637 01:55:27,879 --> 01:55:29,608 once they start asking questions... 1638 01:55:29,648 --> 01:55:32,116 Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! 1639 01:55:32,151 --> 01:55:35,451 It's just one of those things. It's nobody's fault. 1640 01:55:35,489 --> 01:55:37,788 Fortunately, I'm only half unpacked. 1641 01:55:39,494 --> 01:55:41,393 These things happen. 1642 01:55:42,830 --> 01:55:45,024 I remember I was invited... 1643 01:55:45,066 --> 01:55:47,534 to a New Year's Eve party in New York. 1644 01:55:47,568 --> 01:55:50,537 3 East 72nd Street. I had a ball! 1645 01:55:50,571 --> 01:55:52,198 It wasn't until the next morning... 1646 01:55:52,240 --> 01:55:54,141 I found out I was at the wrong party. 1647 01:55:54,176 --> 01:55:56,907 It was 3 West 72nd Street. 1648 01:55:56,945 --> 01:56:00,109 Don't you think that's funny? 1649 01:56:07,692 --> 01:56:09,922 Put it through. Baltimore. 1650 01:56:09,961 --> 01:56:12,190 They called you before. 1651 01:56:14,532 --> 01:56:16,195 Hello. 1652 01:56:16,235 --> 01:56:18,260 Hello, Emily. How are you? 1653 01:56:19,671 --> 01:56:21,664 Is something wrong? 1654 01:56:21,709 --> 01:56:23,904 What was that? 1655 01:56:23,943 --> 01:56:25,638 Wait a minute. Miss Piggott? 1656 01:56:25,678 --> 01:56:28,113 I told you before, she's the interpreter. 1657 01:56:28,148 --> 01:56:30,616 Who says she isn't? 1658 01:56:30,651 --> 01:56:31,776 She did? 1659 01:56:33,020 --> 01:56:35,546 I can explain that. 1660 01:56:38,894 --> 01:56:42,022 She's English, and we're in Italy. 1661 01:56:42,064 --> 01:56:43,622 She can't get a labor permit... 1662 01:56:43,666 --> 01:56:45,532 and naturally, she's not going to admit... 1663 01:56:45,568 --> 01:56:49,027 What do you mean, she's in my room all the time? 1664 01:56:49,072 --> 01:56:51,563 I don't mind you getting a little jealous now and then... 1665 01:56:51,607 --> 01:56:52,972 but isn't this ridiculous? 1666 01:56:53,009 --> 01:56:55,409 Do you think that I, at a time like this... 1667 01:56:55,446 --> 01:56:57,037 What music? 1668 01:56:57,081 --> 01:56:58,480 OK, all right! 1669 01:56:58,516 --> 01:57:00,179 Go ahead! Have it your way! 1670 01:57:00,219 --> 01:57:02,187 I've got a gypsy band up here... 1671 01:57:02,221 --> 01:57:04,382 incense is burning, the booze is flowing! 1672 01:57:04,422 --> 01:57:07,881 Miss Piggott and I are playing frogleap bare-assed! 1673 01:57:07,927 --> 01:57:09,689 Is that any better? 1674 01:57:14,367 --> 01:57:17,030 Just to put your mind at rest... 1675 01:57:17,070 --> 01:57:18,867 you needn't be worried one bit... 1676 01:57:18,906 --> 01:57:21,375 because if you saw me, I'm short, I'm fat... 1677 01:57:21,408 --> 01:57:23,877 and I'm not very attractive. OK? 1678 01:57:27,215 --> 01:57:29,911 All right, Emily, you satisfied now? 1679 01:57:29,951 --> 01:57:33,148 Let's just forget the whole incident. 1680 01:57:33,189 --> 01:57:35,316 Yes, I should be out of here by tomorrow. 1681 01:57:35,358 --> 01:57:36,847 Everything's all wrapped up. 1682 01:57:36,893 --> 01:57:40,021 One small snag in Naples... the export license. 1683 01:57:40,062 --> 01:57:42,657 Blodgett? Jo Jo Blodgett? 1684 01:57:42,699 --> 01:57:45,635 Yes, I know he's with the State Department. 1685 01:57:45,670 --> 01:57:47,296 A friggin' bore. 1686 01:57:47,338 --> 01:57:49,635 He's stationed in Paris? 1687 01:57:49,674 --> 01:57:52,405 There is no reason to contact... 1688 01:57:52,443 --> 01:57:54,911 all right, if worse comes to worst. 1689 01:57:54,946 --> 01:57:56,881 Yeah, I'll tell her. 1690 01:57:56,916 --> 01:57:58,178 Kiss-kiss. 1691 01:58:02,189 --> 01:58:04,420 Mrs. Armbruster said to apologize to you. 1692 01:58:04,457 --> 01:58:05,516 No need. 1693 01:58:05,560 --> 01:58:07,425 Personally, I thought you overdid it a little. 1694 01:58:07,461 --> 01:58:08,792 I was just telling the truth. 1695 01:58:08,830 --> 01:58:10,490 Come on. Stop putting yourself down. 1696 01:58:10,531 --> 01:58:11,998 I'm sure there's any number of men... 1697 01:58:12,033 --> 01:58:13,660 who'd find you very attractive. 1698 01:58:13,702 --> 01:58:17,138 Oh, yes. No-good bastard Bertram... 1699 01:58:17,171 --> 01:58:19,538 and some sex-starved sardine fishermen... 1700 01:58:19,575 --> 01:58:22,237 and the local coroner, who took me for a ride on his scooter... 1701 01:58:22,277 --> 01:58:24,144 and then pinched my behind. 1702 01:58:26,382 --> 01:58:28,179 If it's of any interest to you... 1703 01:58:28,219 --> 01:58:31,677 you know who finds you attractive? Me. 1704 01:58:31,722 --> 01:58:33,553 I find you attractive. 1705 01:58:33,591 --> 01:58:35,253 Don't bother. I'll survive. 1706 01:58:35,292 --> 01:58:38,228 This isn't the first time I've made a fool of myself. 1707 01:58:47,140 --> 01:58:48,401 Excuse me. 1708 01:58:48,442 --> 01:58:50,410 Would you consider it impertinent... 1709 01:58:50,443 --> 01:58:53,379 if I asked you to step on the scales? 1710 01:58:53,414 --> 01:58:55,745 - Yes, I would. - Please? 1711 01:58:55,782 --> 01:58:57,250 I really don't care anymore. 1712 01:58:57,285 --> 01:59:00,583 It's not the weight, it's the height. 1713 01:59:09,532 --> 01:59:11,499 Why don't you just make a contribution... 1714 01:59:11,534 --> 01:59:13,365 to your favorite charity? 1715 01:59:54,616 --> 01:59:57,552 Are you guys sure this is Ischia? 1716 01:59:57,585 --> 01:59:59,452 Reasonably sure, sir. 1717 01:59:59,488 --> 02:00:01,854 Because I don't want to land in Africa. 1718 02:00:01,891 --> 02:00:04,156 That would be bigger, sir. 1719 02:00:04,194 --> 02:00:06,788 Maybe it's one of those Greek islands. 1720 02:00:06,830 --> 02:00:10,130 No, sir. Greece is way to the left. 1721 02:00:10,169 --> 02:00:13,467 Not as long as I'm with the State Department. 1722 02:00:51,347 --> 02:00:54,181 Go away! Go away! 1723 02:00:54,219 --> 02:00:56,414 What the hell is the name of this place? 1724 02:00:56,453 --> 02:00:59,548 Ischia, but you cannot land. 1725 02:00:59,591 --> 02:01:01,525 What do you mean, we can't land? 1726 02:01:01,558 --> 02:01:04,995 It is lunchtime. Come back later. 1727 02:01:05,031 --> 02:01:08,261 My good man, do you know to whom you're talking? 1728 02:01:08,300 --> 02:01:10,427 I do not talk to anybody. 1729 02:01:10,469 --> 02:01:11,958 Lunchtime! 1730 02:01:12,004 --> 02:01:14,098 Let me make one thing perfectly clear. 1731 02:01:14,141 --> 02:01:16,702 I am Joseph J. Blodgett... 1732 02:01:16,743 --> 02:01:19,109 United States Government, State Department... 1733 02:01:19,146 --> 02:01:21,307 and I'm here on an emergency mission... 1734 02:01:21,348 --> 02:01:24,341 concerning an American citizen. 1735 02:01:24,384 --> 02:01:26,512 OK, boys, stand by. 1736 02:01:26,553 --> 02:01:28,920 And you better start clearing some of these seats out... 1737 02:01:28,957 --> 02:01:30,924 so we have room for the coffin. 1738 02:01:30,959 --> 02:01:32,516 Roger. 1739 02:01:32,560 --> 02:01:37,589 Tell me, how far is this hotel? 1740 02:01:37,634 --> 02:01:40,364 Grand Hotel Excelsior, five kilometers. 1741 02:01:40,404 --> 02:01:43,862 OK, OK. What do we do about transportation? 1742 02:01:43,908 --> 02:01:47,843 No transportation. Lunchtime! 1743 02:01:47,878 --> 02:01:51,575 What the hell is going on in this country? 1744 02:01:51,616 --> 02:01:55,245 This wouldn't have happened in the old days. 1745 02:01:55,287 --> 02:02:00,385 You remember Mussolini? 1746 02:02:05,198 --> 02:02:07,430 Christ. 1747 02:02:07,468 --> 02:02:08,594 What's the matter? 1748 02:02:08,635 --> 02:02:10,068 Just thinking about going back home. 1749 02:02:10,104 --> 02:02:11,902 I hate the whole idea. 1750 02:02:11,939 --> 02:02:13,999 - Thank you. - Right after the funeral... 1751 02:02:14,041 --> 02:02:16,009 there's going to be a board of directors meeting... 1752 02:02:16,043 --> 02:02:17,511 and probably a proxy fight... 1753 02:02:17,545 --> 02:02:19,513 and I'll have to spend a week in Washington... 1754 02:02:19,548 --> 02:02:22,516 because they're investigating the Armbruster Foundation. 1755 02:02:22,551 --> 02:02:24,019 And there's that strike... 1756 02:02:24,053 --> 02:02:26,352 at our electronics plant in Wisconsin. 1757 02:02:26,388 --> 02:02:28,381 And we'll probably have to recall... 1758 02:02:28,426 --> 02:02:31,019 250,000 square feet of artificial turf... 1759 02:02:31,060 --> 02:02:32,528 because they said... 1760 02:02:32,562 --> 02:02:35,031 there's too much lead in the green paint. 1761 02:02:35,065 --> 02:02:37,033 Goddamn Ralph Nader. 1762 02:02:37,067 --> 02:02:38,558 Who asked him? 1763 02:02:40,606 --> 02:02:43,040 Guess we all have our problems. 1764 02:02:43,075 --> 02:02:46,044 I have to pick up my cat from the vet's in Bayswater. 1765 02:02:46,079 --> 02:02:50,038 Hope the garage will have my Mini Morris fixed by now. 1766 02:02:50,083 --> 02:02:52,517 And I really should repaint my kitchen. 1767 02:02:54,120 --> 02:02:55,712 Can I have your croissant? 1768 02:02:55,755 --> 02:02:59,350 Of course. You can have anything you want. 1769 02:03:02,197 --> 02:03:03,960 About your flat in London... 1770 02:03:03,999 --> 02:03:06,490 Won't you need a new television and hairdryer... 1771 02:03:06,534 --> 02:03:09,732 all that stuff that your apostle ran off with? 1772 02:03:09,771 --> 02:03:12,433 Don't bother. I dry my hair in the oven... 1773 02:03:12,475 --> 02:03:13,999 and I really don't watch the telly. 1774 02:03:14,043 --> 02:03:15,510 It's always the same... 1775 02:03:15,545 --> 02:03:17,012 northern Ireland and Princess Anne... 1776 02:03:17,046 --> 02:03:18,480 and the Common Market. 1777 02:03:23,988 --> 02:03:26,650 Pamela... my father and your mother... 1778 02:03:26,691 --> 02:03:32,062 Now, during all those years, didn't he ever give her any... 1779 02:03:33,832 --> 02:03:37,700 He must have helped her out from time to time. 1780 02:03:37,736 --> 02:03:38,930 Financially. 1781 02:03:41,041 --> 02:03:44,671 You want to know whether my mother was a kept woman? 1782 02:03:44,711 --> 02:03:48,045 After all, a man likes to show his gratitude. 1783 02:03:48,082 --> 02:03:50,050 Maybe an occasional present? 1784 02:03:50,084 --> 02:03:52,053 Every Christmas, he would send her... 1785 02:03:52,087 --> 02:03:55,488 a dozen long-stemmed roses to the Savoy hotel. 1786 02:03:55,523 --> 02:03:57,389 Your mother was well-to-do? 1787 02:03:57,426 --> 02:04:01,590 No. She was making £15 a week and tips. 1788 02:04:01,630 --> 02:04:04,897 On £15 a week, she was living at the Savoy? 1789 02:04:04,935 --> 02:04:07,335 She wasn't living there. She was working there... 1790 02:04:07,370 --> 02:04:08,861 as a manicurist. 1791 02:04:14,212 --> 02:04:15,474 Did my father know that? 1792 02:04:15,513 --> 02:04:18,379 She didn't want him to know. 1793 02:04:18,416 --> 02:04:20,179 Why not? 1794 02:04:20,219 --> 02:04:22,186 I told you the first day. 1795 02:04:22,221 --> 02:04:25,418 She loved him. She didn't want any tips. 1796 02:04:34,901 --> 02:04:36,529 That'll be Carlucci. 1797 02:04:36,571 --> 02:04:38,300 "I have good news. 1798 02:04:38,339 --> 02:04:41,866 "The arrangements, they have all been made." 1799 02:04:45,747 --> 02:04:48,616 I guess it's checking-out time. 1800 02:04:52,488 --> 02:04:53,456 Yes. 1801 02:04:53,490 --> 02:04:56,823 Did Miss Piggott enjoy her kippers? 1802 02:04:56,860 --> 02:04:58,487 No, that's not why I called. 1803 02:04:58,529 --> 02:05:01,293 I called to tell you that Anna the maid... 1804 02:05:01,332 --> 02:05:03,391 she has been arrested by the police... 1805 02:05:03,434 --> 02:05:05,926 in a rowboat trying to escape to Sicily. 1806 02:05:05,971 --> 02:05:08,303 And the bodies, they are in the coffins... 1807 02:05:08,340 --> 02:05:10,240 and all ready for shipment. 1808 02:05:10,276 --> 02:05:12,072 Let me see... there was something else. 1809 02:05:12,111 --> 02:05:15,170 The judge in Naples, he has had a slight stroke. 1810 02:05:15,214 --> 02:05:17,183 Wait a minute. What judge? 1811 02:05:17,216 --> 02:05:18,774 I don't know any judge in Naples. 1812 02:05:18,818 --> 02:05:21,549 Yes, you do. 1813 02:05:21,588 --> 02:05:24,580 The one with the same mistress as my cousin the lawyer... 1814 02:05:24,625 --> 02:05:26,753 who was going to get my nephew out of jail. 1815 02:05:26,795 --> 02:05:29,559 She was going to help him, but she helped him too hard... 1816 02:05:29,597 --> 02:05:32,123 and the judge, he always had high blood pressure. 1817 02:05:32,168 --> 02:05:35,137 What are you trying to tell me? 1818 02:05:36,137 --> 02:05:38,471 We have no export license, is that it? 1819 02:05:40,077 --> 02:05:41,771 More or less. 1820 02:05:41,812 --> 02:05:44,110 Now they will have to appoint a new judge. 1821 02:05:44,147 --> 02:05:45,842 That may take a day or two. 1822 02:05:45,881 --> 02:05:48,578 We sure are running in bad luck. 1823 02:05:48,618 --> 02:05:50,985 It's not your fault. It's the way it goes. 1824 02:05:52,990 --> 02:05:56,119 Don't worry about it. I still like you. 1825 02:05:56,161 --> 02:05:57,991 Problems? 1826 02:05:58,030 --> 02:06:00,555 We may be stuck here for another couple of days. 1827 02:06:00,599 --> 02:06:02,066 That's terrible. 1828 02:06:02,102 --> 02:06:03,568 Yeah. 1829 02:06:03,602 --> 02:06:05,069 What about the funeral? 1830 02:06:05,104 --> 02:06:07,573 Oh, boy! All those people... 1831 02:06:07,607 --> 02:06:10,734 the closed-circuit TV, glee club... 1832 02:06:10,777 --> 02:06:12,747 I'll just have to call Baltimore. 1833 02:06:12,780 --> 02:06:15,578 If it has to be postponed, it has to be postponed. 1834 02:06:15,616 --> 02:06:17,585 - I'm so sorry. - What can I do? 1835 02:06:17,619 --> 02:06:20,086 You've certainly done everything you could. 1836 02:06:20,122 --> 02:06:22,181 How about you and your plans? 1837 02:06:23,792 --> 02:06:26,590 We're not that busy in the shop. 1838 02:06:26,628 --> 02:06:29,598 I'm sure mother won't mind. She's in no hurry... 1839 02:06:29,632 --> 02:06:31,896 to get back to the rain and the cold. 1840 02:06:34,939 --> 02:06:37,430 I guess dad wouldn't mind, either. 1841 02:06:37,475 --> 02:06:39,602 They deserve another couple of days together... 1842 02:06:39,644 --> 02:06:41,133 don't you think? 1843 02:07:00,734 --> 02:07:02,134 Thank you. 1844 02:07:02,170 --> 02:07:03,535 My pleasure! 1845 02:07:19,722 --> 02:07:21,087 What room is he in? 1846 02:07:21,124 --> 02:07:25,084 Just a moment. Your name, please? 1847 02:07:25,130 --> 02:07:28,758 Here. I'll talk to him. 1848 02:07:28,800 --> 02:07:30,461 Wendell, boy? 1849 02:07:30,502 --> 02:07:32,594 Jo Jo Blodgett, State Department. 1850 02:07:32,636 --> 02:07:35,606 How are you, kid? Emily called me last night... 1851 02:07:35,640 --> 02:07:37,267 told me about your little problem. 1852 02:07:37,310 --> 02:07:40,280 Damn it. I told her not to bother you. 1853 02:07:40,313 --> 02:07:42,281 I'm sorry, Jo Jo. I realize you've got... 1854 02:07:42,315 --> 02:07:44,215 more important things to do in Paris. 1855 02:07:44,251 --> 02:07:45,718 Sure do. That's why I grabbed... 1856 02:07:45,752 --> 02:07:47,152 the first plane to Rome this morning. 1857 02:07:47,187 --> 02:07:49,451 Borrowed a helicopter from the sixth fleet. 1858 02:07:49,490 --> 02:07:53,120 You're on Ischia? Where? At the airport? 1859 02:07:53,161 --> 02:07:56,323 Better than that, kiddo. I'm right here in the lobby. 1860 02:07:56,363 --> 02:07:59,732 You're in the lobby! 1861 02:07:59,768 --> 02:08:01,234 That's great. 1862 02:08:01,270 --> 02:08:03,067 That's what I really call service. 1863 02:08:03,106 --> 02:08:05,403 Why don't you just check in, wash up... 1864 02:08:05,442 --> 02:08:07,342 and we'll have a drink later in the afternoon. 1865 02:08:07,376 --> 02:08:09,346 What drink? What later? 1866 02:08:09,379 --> 02:08:11,142 I got to get back to Paris tonight. 1867 02:08:11,181 --> 02:08:13,650 I'm taking Julie and David Eisenhower... 1868 02:08:13,683 --> 02:08:17,085 to dinner at Maxim's. So we got to get cracking. 1869 02:08:17,120 --> 02:08:18,919 We haven't got a minute to lose. Be right with you. 1870 02:08:18,956 --> 02:08:21,619 What's that room number? 1871 02:09:01,104 --> 02:09:03,095 What are we going to do with this? 1872 02:09:04,109 --> 02:09:06,269 What are we going to do with you? 1873 02:09:10,883 --> 02:09:13,579 I am Carlo Carlucci, director of the hotel. 1874 02:09:13,618 --> 02:09:15,587 Such a pleasure to have you here. 1875 02:09:15,621 --> 02:09:16,747 Thank you. 1876 02:09:16,789 --> 02:09:18,586 It may interest you to know we once had... 1877 02:09:18,624 --> 02:09:20,593 another famous American diplomat staying here once... 1878 02:09:20,627 --> 02:09:22,424 Mr. Benjamin Franklin. 1879 02:09:22,461 --> 02:09:24,590 Franklin? Yes, Ben Franklin. 1880 02:09:24,631 --> 02:09:26,190 A good man for his time. 1881 02:09:26,233 --> 02:09:27,700 Of course, today I'm not sure... 1882 02:09:27,735 --> 02:09:29,134 he could pass the security check. 1883 02:09:29,170 --> 02:09:30,762 Would you like to see his room? 1884 02:09:30,805 --> 02:09:32,603 It is in the old part of the building. 1885 02:09:32,640 --> 02:09:34,165 Not now! 1886 02:09:34,209 --> 02:09:36,677 Excuse me. I would like your advice about something... 1887 02:09:36,711 --> 02:09:38,681 straight from the horse's mouth. 1888 02:09:38,714 --> 02:09:41,148 Do you think there will be a war in the Middle East? 1889 02:09:42,317 --> 02:09:45,447 We don't give out that kind of information. 1890 02:09:45,489 --> 02:09:46,956 I have been offered a job... 1891 02:09:46,990 --> 02:09:50,552 with a chain of American hotels... the Sheraton. 1892 02:09:50,594 --> 02:09:53,894 There are a couple of openings, and one of them is in Damascus. 1893 02:09:57,068 --> 02:09:59,400 Don't quote me on this, but with the Russian presence... 1894 02:09:59,437 --> 02:10:01,065 escalating in the Mediterranean... 1895 02:10:01,106 --> 02:10:03,074 and the military posture of the Arabs stiffening... 1896 02:10:03,108 --> 02:10:06,306 and the first-strike capability of the Israelis at its peak... 1897 02:10:06,345 --> 02:10:08,075 the whole place is a powder keg. 1898 02:10:08,114 --> 02:10:10,083 Could blow up in your face any second. 1899 02:10:10,116 --> 02:10:12,085 My advice is forget Damascus. 1900 02:10:12,119 --> 02:10:15,577 Thank you. In that case, I had better take the other job. 1901 02:10:15,622 --> 02:10:19,582 - What's that? - The Sheraton in New York. 1902 02:10:19,627 --> 02:10:21,561 Take the one in Damascus. 1903 02:10:24,132 --> 02:10:26,795 - One more question. - No more questions! 1904 02:10:30,807 --> 02:10:32,330 Come in. 1905 02:10:34,010 --> 02:10:36,808 Jo Jo Blodgett, if I ever saw one. 1906 02:10:36,846 --> 02:10:38,838 Hi there. 1907 02:10:40,851 --> 02:10:43,115 How are you? Been a long time. 1908 02:10:43,154 --> 02:10:46,021 I haven't been back to the States since '67. 1909 02:10:46,058 --> 02:10:48,025 That's it. Halloween of '67. 1910 02:10:48,060 --> 02:10:51,121 Party at the country club. You came dressed as Batman. 1911 02:10:51,164 --> 02:10:54,496 I'm sorry about what happened to your father. 1912 02:10:56,170 --> 02:11:00,072 Look, it's 2:00 in the afternoon. 1913 02:11:00,106 --> 02:11:01,802 At 11:00 tomorrow morning... 1914 02:11:01,842 --> 02:11:04,071 you have a funeral 4,000 miles away... 1915 02:11:04,111 --> 02:11:06,170 and you're sitting here getting a manicure? 1916 02:11:09,049 --> 02:11:14,387 This is Miss Tromboncino. She works in the barber shop. 1917 02:11:18,427 --> 02:11:20,952 Could you possibly speed it up a little? 1918 02:11:22,866 --> 02:11:25,800 She doesn't speak any English. 1919 02:11:29,072 --> 02:11:30,597 I get that all over the world. 1920 02:11:30,641 --> 02:11:32,109 Mind you, I don't object... 1921 02:11:32,143 --> 02:11:34,112 to foreigners speaking a foreign language. 1922 02:11:34,146 --> 02:11:37,309 I just wish they'd all speak the same foreign language. 1923 02:11:41,620 --> 02:11:43,815 - Odd. - What's odd? 1924 02:11:43,856 --> 02:11:47,418 If I didn't know how straight-laced you were... 1925 02:11:47,460 --> 02:11:50,429 and if I didn't know that you were in mourning... 1926 02:11:50,464 --> 02:11:53,627 and if that dame were about 20 pounds lighter... 1927 02:11:53,668 --> 02:11:56,136 - I would sort of suspect... - Suspect what? 1928 02:11:56,171 --> 02:12:00,574 Mr. Blodgett, please. That dame, she is my niece. 1929 02:12:00,609 --> 02:12:03,602 She was brought up by the Carmelite sisters. 1930 02:12:07,950 --> 02:12:09,679 I was only kidding. 1931 02:12:09,719 --> 02:12:11,812 It is forgotten. 1932 02:12:27,639 --> 02:12:29,369 How many more fingers has she got to go? 1933 02:12:29,408 --> 02:12:31,103 Relax, will you? 1934 02:12:31,143 --> 02:12:33,611 Relax nothing. You're screwing up my timetable. 1935 02:12:33,645 --> 02:12:35,616 I've got that helicopter standing by. 1936 02:12:35,649 --> 02:12:37,948 - Can I use your can? - What for? 1937 02:12:37,984 --> 02:12:39,451 To wash my hands. 1938 02:12:39,487 --> 02:12:40,955 I mean, what's the helicopter for? 1939 02:12:40,988 --> 02:12:43,286 To pick up the old boy. We're going to fly him to Rome. 1940 02:12:43,324 --> 02:12:45,485 Then I'm going to put you on the night plane to Baltimore. 1941 02:12:47,896 --> 02:12:49,829 - Tonight? - Sure. 1942 02:12:49,865 --> 02:12:51,332 That's what you think. 1943 02:12:51,365 --> 02:12:53,129 This is Italy. Nothing's that simple. 1944 02:12:53,168 --> 02:12:54,863 We're still hassling over the export license. 1945 02:12:54,903 --> 02:12:56,302 Emily told me all about that. 1946 02:12:56,338 --> 02:12:58,069 It looks like we can't get out of here before Wednesday. 1947 02:12:58,175 --> 02:13:00,574 I was about to phone home, tell them to postpone the ceremony. 1948 02:13:00,611 --> 02:13:03,580 Postpone nothing. Batman is here. 1949 02:13:03,614 --> 02:13:05,582 We don't need an export license. 1950 02:13:05,616 --> 02:13:07,379 We're gonna bypass all that bull. 1951 02:13:07,418 --> 02:13:08,886 Bypass? How can you do it? 1952 02:13:08,920 --> 02:13:11,387 No sweat. We're appointing your father... 1953 02:13:11,423 --> 02:13:13,721 commercial attaché to the embassy in Rome. 1954 02:13:13,757 --> 02:13:16,090 And that entitles him to all the rights... 1955 02:13:16,127 --> 02:13:17,788 and immunities of a diplomat. 1956 02:13:17,829 --> 02:13:20,095 Wait a minute. You're going to appoint him... 1957 02:13:20,132 --> 02:13:22,101 - Why not? - A dead man? 1958 02:13:22,134 --> 02:13:25,104 Just proves that we don't discriminate against anybody... 1959 02:13:25,138 --> 02:13:29,006 for reasons of race, creed, color, or state of health. 1960 02:13:29,042 --> 02:13:33,002 You mean we handle him just like a diplomatic pouch? 1961 02:13:33,046 --> 02:13:35,606 You bet. He goes right through customs... 1962 02:13:35,649 --> 02:13:39,781 sealed coffin, no inspection, no formalities at either end. 1963 02:13:39,822 --> 02:13:42,121 - That's kind of cute. - That's nothing. 1964 02:13:42,158 --> 02:13:45,650 Someday I'll tell you how we got Batista out of Cuba. 1965 02:13:47,029 --> 02:13:49,828 First on the agenda... 1966 02:13:49,866 --> 02:13:51,595 First, you wanted to go to the can. 1967 02:13:51,635 --> 02:13:53,160 Can. That's right. 1968 02:14:00,445 --> 02:14:05,383 I'm sorry. Mother would never forgive me. 1969 02:14:05,417 --> 02:14:09,217 Look at the wretched job I did on your nails. 1970 02:14:22,804 --> 02:14:24,272 Tell me something. 1971 02:14:24,306 --> 02:14:26,103 Bruno's body. What did they do with it? 1972 02:14:26,141 --> 02:14:28,609 It is lying in the morgue, unclaimed. No family. 1973 02:14:28,644 --> 02:14:30,111 - Interesting. - In what way? 1974 02:14:30,145 --> 02:14:31,875 We may have a use for that third coffin. 1975 02:14:31,915 --> 02:14:33,779 That is very generous of you. 1976 02:14:33,817 --> 02:14:36,876 Your family plot, does that offer still stand? 1977 02:14:36,919 --> 02:14:38,683 You're not suggesting we bury Bruno there! 1978 02:14:38,721 --> 02:14:41,155 The Carluccis, they would turn over in their graves. 1979 02:14:41,191 --> 02:14:43,753 I wasn't thinking of Bruno. 1980 02:14:43,795 --> 02:14:45,127 No? 1981 02:14:45,163 --> 02:14:47,324 You were thinking of somebody else? 1982 02:14:48,500 --> 02:14:51,333 Maybe... two somebody elses? 1983 02:14:57,176 --> 02:15:00,146 My ancestors, they will be honored. 1984 02:15:00,180 --> 02:15:02,148 We're not there yet. There's a time element. 1985 02:15:02,181 --> 02:15:04,150 And we'll need some transportation. 1986 02:15:04,183 --> 02:15:05,653 Transportation? No sweat. 1987 02:15:05,687 --> 02:15:07,176 I will call the Trotta brothers. 1988 02:15:09,690 --> 02:15:11,158 You know you got... 1989 02:15:11,193 --> 02:15:13,161 a plate of scrambled eggs in the bathtub? 1990 02:15:13,194 --> 02:15:15,856 - I do? - And half a herring. 1991 02:15:15,896 --> 02:15:19,333 Now you understand why I want that job with Sheraton. 1992 02:15:19,368 --> 02:15:23,203 OK, kid, here is the game plan. 1993 02:15:24,974 --> 02:15:27,910 You get dressed and packed. Next, we collect your father. 1994 02:15:27,946 --> 02:15:30,675 Sure thing. As soon as they open the morgue. 1995 02:15:30,714 --> 02:15:33,183 And I want some officials at that airport. 1996 02:15:33,218 --> 02:15:35,686 I want the mayor and what-have-you. 1997 02:15:35,720 --> 02:15:37,187 Of course. Right after lunch. 1998 02:15:37,222 --> 02:15:39,190 - That will be 4:00. - 4:00? 1999 02:15:39,225 --> 02:15:41,693 That's when they open the mortuary. 2000 02:15:41,726 --> 02:15:44,195 That goddamn lunchtime again. 2001 02:15:44,230 --> 02:15:48,190 We pour in millions of dollars of foreign aid... 2002 02:15:48,235 --> 02:15:51,728 just so they can sit on their butts and... 2003 02:15:56,744 --> 02:16:00,145 What the hell is there to do around here for two hours? 2004 02:16:00,181 --> 02:16:02,308 Tell him about the mud baths. 2005 02:16:02,351 --> 02:16:03,840 Mud baths? 2006 02:16:03,886 --> 02:16:05,648 World-famous. 2007 02:16:05,687 --> 02:16:07,814 For rheumatism, arthritis, neuritis, phlebitis... 2008 02:16:07,856 --> 02:16:12,658 urinary complaints, hyperacidity, male potency. 2009 02:16:12,696 --> 02:16:14,186 Is that so? 2010 02:16:15,699 --> 02:16:18,668 Come to think of it, I do have a slight acid condition. 2011 02:16:18,702 --> 02:16:20,169 Maybe I'll give that a little whirl. 2012 02:16:20,204 --> 02:16:21,671 By all means. 2013 02:16:21,705 --> 02:16:24,174 It is downstairs. I will show you. 2014 02:16:24,208 --> 02:16:26,074 Be right back. 2015 02:16:27,445 --> 02:16:29,437 Where do we meet? 2016 02:16:29,481 --> 02:16:33,076 Let me put it all together, and we'll meet at the airport. 2017 02:16:33,119 --> 02:16:34,747 Right-o. 2018 02:16:37,323 --> 02:16:40,691 That mud business... does it really help? 2019 02:16:40,727 --> 02:16:42,695 I assure you, after one bath... 2020 02:16:42,729 --> 02:16:45,563 you will have the acidity of a man of twenty. 2021 02:16:56,446 --> 02:16:57,776 Thank you. 2022 02:17:00,850 --> 02:17:02,512 It was your idea. 2023 02:17:06,690 --> 02:17:09,125 What's the name of that orchestra here? 2024 02:17:09,159 --> 02:17:11,423 Sergio... something. Why? 2025 02:17:11,462 --> 02:17:13,158 We might as well go all the way. 2026 02:17:13,198 --> 02:17:14,665 I'm sure he'd enjoy it more... 2027 02:17:14,700 --> 02:17:17,167 than that glee club in Baltimore... 2028 02:17:17,202 --> 02:17:18,932 the son of a bitch. 2029 02:18:02,854 --> 02:18:07,188 The marble, do you want it white or pink? 2030 02:18:07,226 --> 02:18:08,317 Pink. 2031 02:18:09,828 --> 02:18:12,262 Very good. And the inscription? 2032 02:18:14,567 --> 02:18:17,560 I guess..."Willie and Kate." 2033 02:18:18,638 --> 02:18:21,802 "Willie and Kate." That is all? 2034 02:18:21,842 --> 02:18:25,745 We don't want any weeping angels or hearts intertwined. 2035 02:18:25,781 --> 02:18:27,681 Or do we? 2036 02:18:27,716 --> 02:18:31,311 How about "Willie and Kate Carlucci"? 2037 02:18:31,353 --> 02:18:32,615 I'll go for that. 2038 02:18:34,990 --> 02:18:36,480 You make me very happy. 2039 02:18:38,294 --> 02:18:42,128 And there will be tromboncini every Sunday. 2040 02:18:42,166 --> 02:18:47,263 After all, we are now one big family. 2041 02:18:48,740 --> 02:18:50,206 Hold it, boys. 2042 02:18:50,242 --> 02:18:53,039 My father goes on the other side. 2043 02:18:53,078 --> 02:18:55,740 Very important. It's his good ear. 2044 02:19:12,834 --> 02:19:14,028 Damn! 2045 02:19:26,482 --> 02:19:28,417 What the hell took you so long? 2046 02:19:28,452 --> 02:19:31,420 Signore, in Italy, when a coffin passes by... 2047 02:19:31,454 --> 02:19:33,218 people cross themselves. 2048 02:19:33,257 --> 02:19:35,156 They kneel down sometimes in the middle of the road. 2049 02:19:35,192 --> 02:19:36,419 You just cannot... 2050 02:19:36,460 --> 02:19:37,928 All right, all right. 2051 02:19:37,962 --> 02:19:40,727 Over here, boys! Let's get this thing down! 2052 02:19:52,412 --> 02:19:53,879 Poor Bruno. 2053 02:19:53,913 --> 02:19:55,541 If he knew what was happening to him... 2054 02:19:55,582 --> 02:19:57,049 What do you mean, "poor Bruno"? 2055 02:19:57,084 --> 02:20:00,713 This is what he always wanted... to go back to America. 2056 02:20:03,491 --> 02:20:05,687 Come on, boys. Snap it up, will you? 2057 02:20:05,728 --> 02:20:07,218 Come on. It's getting late. 2058 02:20:09,164 --> 02:20:12,259 Will the witnesses please step forward? 2059 02:20:19,175 --> 02:20:22,772 Raise your right hand and repeat after me. 2060 02:20:22,813 --> 02:20:27,683 I, Wendell Armbruster Sr., do solemnly swear... 2061 02:20:27,719 --> 02:20:30,689 that I will uphold and defend... 2062 02:20:30,722 --> 02:20:33,248 the Constitution of the United States... 2063 02:20:33,292 --> 02:20:36,625 against all enemies foreign and domestic... 2064 02:20:36,663 --> 02:20:40,690 and that I will perform the duties of my office... 2065 02:20:40,733 --> 02:20:45,969 to the best of my ability, so help me God. 2066 02:20:47,943 --> 02:20:49,967 Congratulations, sir. 2067 02:21:14,205 --> 02:21:16,035 And salute! 2068 02:21:20,578 --> 02:21:22,877 Ready, hup! 2069 02:21:24,617 --> 02:21:27,643 Thank you, gentlemen. That concludes the ceremonies. 2070 02:21:27,686 --> 02:21:29,848 All right, load her up. 2071 02:21:29,891 --> 02:21:31,518 Here. You'll need this. 2072 02:21:31,558 --> 02:21:33,924 It's your father's diplomatic passport. 2073 02:21:33,961 --> 02:21:35,189 You don't miss a trick, do you? 2074 02:21:35,230 --> 02:21:37,197 The C.I.A. Ran it off for me last night. 2075 02:21:37,231 --> 02:21:38,528 The C.I.A.? 2076 02:21:38,566 --> 02:21:40,558 Never heard of them. Let's go. 2077 02:21:53,650 --> 02:21:57,451 Good-bye, Pamela Piggott. 2078 02:21:57,488 --> 02:21:59,649 Have a good flight. Don't work too hard. 2079 02:21:59,689 --> 02:22:01,658 Suppose I do? The worst that can happen... 2080 02:22:01,691 --> 02:22:04,457 is I'll wind up with a bad back. 2081 02:22:04,495 --> 02:22:07,021 The suite, it will be ready. 2082 02:22:07,065 --> 02:22:09,693 July 15th to August 15th. 2083 02:22:19,379 --> 02:22:21,870 If we should run into each other again... 2084 02:22:21,915 --> 02:22:23,678 in the lobby or the souvenir shop... 2085 02:22:23,717 --> 02:22:26,584 I promise you I'll be so thin. 2086 02:22:26,621 --> 02:22:31,217 You lose one pound, just one pound... 2087 02:22:31,260 --> 02:22:33,228 and it's all over between us. 145862

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