Original subtitles

I suppose there are a few compensations about living here.

Bea is pretty good, and there's always Hazel.

You go be late.

Oh, come on, Hazel. Just a quick one.

You must go for work.

Three years in the tropics, and still no sign of a tan.

I'll just have to wait until all my freckles join up.

I wonder what London did with my file.

Lost it, I suppose.

I'll be here forever.

*

Hi. Hi, sir.

Watchum car? Yes. Watchum good.

See you next time. Bye.

Fill in the form, and bring it back by Monday. Don't forget.

What the hell's going on, Kojo?

Christmas is coming, sir. The birth of our Lord Jesus.

Down, all of it. Down? You mean--

Every last ribbon. Every... strip of tinsel.

But I thought all white men like Christmas, sir. You were misinformed.

I loath and despise Christmas. I... abominate Christmas!

- Morning! - Hello, Dickie.

Cutting it a bit fine, aren't you? What?

Aren't you meant to be at the airport?

Everything's under control. I'm allowing for African flight schedules.

Ah! Masterful.

Oh, ah, these need your signature.

Visa applications.

Step on it, Peter, we're late! Yes, sir.

Why are you bloody stopping? Sir, the street, I must--

Drive on, man, for Christ's sake!

[ Brakes Squealing, Horn Honking ]

You maniac! Watch where you're going!

You're not in the bloody bush now!

And move that wreck. This is an official car on--

You aren't talking to me, are you, sonny?

Ah... yes, well, perhaps I was a little hasty--

You dosey bastard.

You're very lucky you're not mincemeat.

Sorry.

All right.

Jesus!

That's Alex Murray, isn't it? Yes, sir. That's him.

A very good man.

- That's me, of course. - It's not valid.

Not valid? How could it be bloody invalid?

I'm a diplomat! He's the British High Commissioner, you idiot.

He must go back to London for residence permit.

Go back? Don't be bloody stupid! It's out of the question.

I'll have your job. I happen to be the British High Commissioner.

Oh, Leafy, thank God. Talk to this fellow, will you?

I can't enter the bloody country. Don't even want to enter the damn place.

This wouldn't have happened in the old days. Damn right.

It appears this problem of the visa can be overcome...

Ah! With a payment of 50 pounds.

What? Impossible! Absolutely out of the question.

It might be advisable, Arthur.

He did mention the possibility of an anal search.

Oh.

Welcome.

*

Oh, no! No, no. I thought, who wants Paris or Washington?

Africa's where it's all happening. So exciting!

There's all the... bush!

The animals!

I thought you'd been applying for a transfer. Transfer?

Don't be bloody silly. Been trying to extend my term.

Enjoying yourself, darling?

Mind if I steal this one for a minute?

Leafy.

So, you were at Rodean! My sister was at Rodean.

You know this chap Sam Adekunle?

Adekunle. Head of the K.N.P. No, not personally.

They found these bloody huge oil reserves off the coast. Vast!

And we don't want the French or the Yanks or the Germans...

pumping the stuff out. What do you propose to do about it?

- Not me. You. - Sorry, Arthur. What do I propose to do about it?

Get to know Adekunle socially. Influence him.

I need hardly tell you that success here...

will be our passport out of this place.

I'd like something harsh, cruel and inexplicable to happen to Fanshawe.

Something shocking and arbitrary just to put him in touch with real life again.

Supercilious twit!

Umbrella!

Friday!

Umbrella!

Jesus Christ! Bloody--

Merde!

Mon dieu! Ca va pas, monsieur?

Evening, Friday. I'm home! Je suis ici.

When I call for an umbrella, mon parapluie,

I expect you-- I always put your umbrella on backseat of car, sir.

Every day I tell you. Oh. Well, keep telling me.

Anyway, I want a gin and tonic tres vite--

Chop ready? I'm starving.

No, sir. No chop. Why not? Pourquoi?

Last night you never come home.

Today you never call me. Oh.

It's just a few minutes, sir. I do les oeufs.

The K.N.P. will stamp out the taking of bribes and political corruption.

Do some sausages with those oeufs, will you?

The K.N.P. will bring Kinjanja pride and prosperity in Africa.

Ah... shit!

Bloody hell! Stupid, fucking asshole!

[ Fanshawe Clears Throat ]

Hello, Arthur, Chloe, Priscilla.

Just showing Priscilla around the nerve center.

What super Christmas decorations! What?

Oh! Just one of my talents.

Cheers the place up... bit of the Christmas spirit. They're so artistically done!

Really? I just supervised it all actually. The uh--

Good God! What are you doing, man?

Sir, yesterday you said to me...

to take down all the Christmas decorations. I said what?

Oh, nonsense! Kojo, just leave them. Now, come on.

Put that back up. Come on, Kojo.

Chloe and I were years in the East.

A beautiful elegant person, your oriental.

Harmony, you know. That's the back of it all.

The yin and yang. Yin and yang, eh, Chloe?

Quite.

Of course such incidents as the Tiananmen Square massacre...

could be said to detract somewhat...

from the oriental reputation for harmony.

In fairness, Mr. Adekunle, Africa could hardly be said to be a peaceful continent.

What of Europe, Mr. Fanshawe?

Two world wars in one century, and how many minor conflicts?

The Royal House of Windsor.

[ Movie Continues Indistinct ]

Not enjoying the show?

I, uh--

I thought I'd sit it out. It's not very British of you.

Nor of you! I'm not British... anymore.

Anyway, it makes me homesick.

How are your plans coming along with Sam Adekunle?

Oh! Um... not too well actually.

Perhaps your Mr. Fanshawe is something of a drawback.

That's always been the case.

No, it's getting anywhere near Adekunle that's the problem.

We won't be getting him back here again. The Royal film should see to that.

Well, maybe I could arrange something. You could?

I mean... you could?

I think so. I'm Celia Adekunle,

Sam's wife.

Now the queen, with pages behind her, goes down this royal gallery.

People bow as she passes. Women of the Bedchamber on the right,

the Mistress of the Robes, the Duchess of Grafton--

Ha! That's it! Nine-zero.

Yes, sir? I coming, sir.

Morgan? Mmm?

Just between us, Chloe and I are a bit concerned about Priscilla.

Priscilla? Yes. She was engaged to a chap.

Simon Latimer-Harvey. Very good family. Father's a rear admiral.

Would that be Rear Admiral Latimer

The very same!

Then out of the blue, last month he announces it's all over,

and he's going to marry this Malaysian girl.

In Singapore! Can you imagine?

Incredible. Yes.

So this trip's really a bit of serious therapy for her.

You know your way around here. Show her the sights.

Just leave it to me, Arthur.

I'll see she gets a taste of the local culture.

No, Morgan. Not now.

Did daddy tell you, by any chance, the real reason I came this Christmas?

No. Actually... I thought you just wanted a holiday.

No. I--

Well, I was engaged to this chap, Simon Latimer-Harvey.

And one day, I just knew it was all wrong.

I told him, "Simon, it's over." Just like that.

How long was it? How long was what?

The engagement. Oh! Two years.

But as I told him, if you fall out of love... you fall out of love!

You're an incredibly attractive girl, Priscilla.

Incredibly.

You're the sweetest man.

But I'm not ready for another involvement... yet.

Oh, Jesus Christ! Who the fuck are you?

What are you-- Hi, man. I'm Sonny.

What are you doing here?

I go be Hazel's brother. She say I can go stay here for this night.

Hazel's brother? I didn't know she had one.

Yeah, man. Same father, different wife.

Oh. Well, you can't stay here I'm afraid.

This isn't Hazel's flat. It's mine.

That's okay, man. If you don't want me, I go.

So long. Where's Hazel, anyway?

She's for here.

Look, just what the hell's going on?

Can't you ever keep this bloody place tidy? Where's Sonny?

Sonny's gone. Sonny's been kicked out.

For why? "For why?" Because this is my flat which I pay for.

Not some transit camp. Sonny done be my friend!

All the time I here by myself and my friend come to greet me.

You done shame for me.

Yes. Well, haven't you got any women friends?

Why we never go out like man and woman? You tell me this.

Well--

Well, we will... soon.

It's just that--

I don't like going out much because--

Well, because I find we have...

much more fun when we stay in.

Oh. Ow.

Oh, my God!

Can I help you, sir? Emergency.

You can't go up there. British High Commission. Emergency.

Ah! Excuse me, I need to see the doc--

Dr. Murray!

I'm Morgan Leafy,

First Secretary of the High Commission. Oh, yes, the diplomat.

Mr. Leafy.

Sorry we've not had a chance to get to know each other,

properly, that is.

Have you been out here long?

Twenty-three years.

Oh. [ Murray speaking Kinjanjan ]

Now, what can I do for you?

Well, actually, it's a little embarrassing.

You didn't see all the people waiting outside?

Well--

yes, but I was a little concerned, so--

So you just jumped the queue of 150 people!

What's your problem?

Well... last night I went to the lavatory and it was...

excruciatingly painful.

And there was, I think,

in fact there definitely was some... discharge.

But it's only happened once. Hasn't recurred.

Right. Let's have a look.

What, you mean-- Here.

Come on. Breeks down, the lot.

Um... see anything?

Nothing significant.

Any cankers?

Any what? Sores, boils, rashes.

Crabs Good God, no!

All right. You can get dressed.

What do you think? Hopefully it's nongonococcal.

That sounds ghastly.

It's probably not too serious.

Here. Shake the dew off the lily.

Over there.

Are you having sex with anyone out here? What?

Sex? Mmm.

Oh, yes, there's, um... there's this girl.

Girl? A local girl...

that I see, I mean... I have been seeing for some while.

Do you use a sheath?

I think she's on the pill. In fact, I'm sure she is.

You should always use a sheath. It's a barrier against infection.

This girl is perfectly respectable!

So much the better.

We're all walking on thin ice.

All of us. Every little precaution helps.

Kinjanja!

I guess that's the end of that.

So you made it! Of course!

That's all very fetching.

Thank you. Sam likes me to wear it at political rallies.

Come with me.

All these political parties in Kinjanja. There must be 30!

At least I made a big effort to learn as little as possible about them.

Incredible to think British government policy could be based on my report.

Wonderful speech!

Do you speak Kinjanjan? No.

But the... the tone, the mood!

Sit.

So?

Yes, um, we... my government...

would be pleased to arrange your travel and accommodation...

if you could see your way...

to visiting Britain in the near future.

First-class air tickets and a suite at Claridges?

Business-class, we thought.

Oh, no, no! No, first-class, of course.

My God.

Mr. Fanshawe must think of us Africans in simplistic terms. Yes!

Oh, no, no! I mean...

simplistic in the sense that...

we hold you in the highest regard.

We'll see if my staff can fit your offer into my itinerary.

Itinerary? You mean-- When I've visited Paris, Rome, Washington, Berlin,

there might be time for a day or two in London.

Rome, Berlin, Washington and Paris? That's what he said.

If we don't get him to London, I'll be spending my life in this place!

It could be worse. You could be in New Zealand!

That's it! That's where they'll send me.

Do stop whingeing, Arthur. Have another drink.

Aren't you dancing, Morgie?

Me? Who with? Me, of course.

Come on, silly.

You know, the other day I was a bit... standoffish.

Yes.

I feel different tonight. More relaxed.

We could slip back to your place for a drink.

I'm tired of dancing.

Right.

I'll just go and powder my nose.

* Sounds of Africa

* Music, music out of Africa *

* Music sounds of Africa *

* Music, music out of Africa *

* Music sounds of Africa *

* Music, music out of Africa *

Evening, Doc!

Ah! Good evening.

By the way, I'm feeling great.

No recurrence of my little problem.

You obviously didn't get my note.

Note? No.

My initial diagnosis was wrong about it being nongonococcal. So it probably was.

Never mind, Doc, you can't win 'em all. You don't understand.

It's not... nongonococcal.

What?

It is... gonococcal.

What does that mean?

You have an unfamiliar bacillus.

Bacillus? Sounds like the plague or something.

It could be a rare strain of gonorrhea.

What?

What did you say?

A rare strain of-- No, no, no, I understand.

I'll be doing further tests, but meanwhile there has to be a complete ban.

Ban? Ban on what?

Alcohol. Sex. Your two favorite pastimes.

Ready?

Morgie?

Some nights I just want to do the wildest things.

Climb mountains barefoot.

Swim in phosphorus seas.

Search for lost cities.

Don't you ever feel like that, Morgie?

Morgie, you're not listening. Sorry, Priss, I--

Look, maybe I should just drop you off at home. It's not far.

Very funny!

Stop teasing.

Oh... look at that moon!

Africa! Africa!

Bloody Africa.

*

*

* The night is like a lovely tune * Morgie?

* Beware

* My foolish heart

* How wide the ever constant moon *

Priscilla, there's something I-- * Take care

* My foolish heart

I never thought I'd feel like this again...

after Simon.

Never thought a man would attract me again...

until you.

Priscilla,

I... I don't think your parents...

would approve of us.

Oh, my God. Don't you think I'm beautiful?

I feel beautiful!

Oh, please!

I want you, Morgie.

I want to give myself to you. Oh, Priscilla.

Oh, no. Oh, please.

No. No, don't touch it! Whatever you do,

don't touch it! What? What's going on?

What is it? Priscilla, I--

I can't explain. You see, I--

I thought it would be better if we, you know, got to know each other.

Take me home.

There is an explanation for all this.

Please don't think-- I feel sorry for men like you.

I'm just furious I didn't see it earlier. You're pathetic creatures,

with your big talk, your sexy swagger.

Pathetic, weak, feeble creatures!

I don't hate you, Morgan. I pity you.

Yes!

Oh, yes, hello, Arthur.

What can I do for you?

What

What's going on?

No, no. No, no. I'll-- yes.

Innocence is dead.

Innocence is dead?

Do you mean we're all guilty? Original sin, that sort of thing?

Innocence, the maid! She's dead.

Struck by lightning. Absolutely ghastly. Poor Innocence.

It's too, too ghastly. Oh, yes, of course! It's horrible!

What am I meant to do about it?

There's a problem. Kojo knows about it.

I can't deal with it. I want you to sort it out.

Me? But-- Yes, you!

I can't make any sense of the African mind. None. Now the oriental--

Arthur, for goodness sake!

He's terribly upset.

Poor darling. I'm afraid this has ruined your lovely evening.

Good evening, Isaiah.

Don't touch the body, sir!

Never touch her, sir. This be Shango killing. Never touch the body.

Shango killing? Who the hell is Shango?

Shango is god in sky. Shango's the god of thunder, the god of storm and lightning.

Shango has killed this woman.

Come on, Kojo, you don't believe all that?

If anybody touch this woman, it brings much trouble, plenty Wahallah.

Plenty, sir.

You no go die well.

Ah, here come the undertakers. Sorry, chaps.

It's out of your hands now.

Shango! Shango! This be Shango killing!

Shango!

Shango! Shango!

Shango! Shango!

I don't believe it.

So, what do we do?

You must make one big Juju. Bring the fetish priest here for Shango.

All right, Kojo, find me a fetish priest.

The family must do it, sir.

All right. Where's the family?

This is Ijeoma, sir, the sister to Innocence.

But, sir, she's got no money.

Well, I'll... I'll lend her a few bob. How much does she need?

Sir, a Juju man could be 20 thousand Janjans! Twenty thousand?

Yes, sir. She must find all her relatives, and they put the money together.

How long will that take? Maybe a week, sir.

But what about the body? It must stay, sir.

Shango. Shango!

Shango! Shango!

- Yes. Died instantly.

The idea is that you come to the doctor while the patient is still alive.

What do you mean? You need an undertaker!

But, listen. I just told you-- No! No way!

-Well, it's the opposite of yes.

But you don't understand. I can't get anyone to move the body.

Some crazy religious idea. Shango.

Nothing will happen until the rites are performed. Absolutely nothing.

All right?

Take a look around you, Leafy.

Ask a few questions. Find out about the place you're living in.

What about the fucking Hippocratic oath, eh?

You're meant to be a fucking doctor, aren't you?

You mean-spirited, selfish Scottish bastard!

Watch it, Murray. I warn you. I won't be held responsible for--

Aaah!

Never ever talk to me like that, you little English shit!

Or I'll rip your fucking tongue out!

It's unbelievable! A pagan religion at the end of the 20th century.

Well, Arthur, I mean,

really at the end of the day, is it any more ridiculous than our religious notions?

Our sky God is tortured to death and miraculously comes back to life.

Bread and wine become his flesh and blood.

I will not stand out here and listen to you spout heresy, Leafy!

All I'm concerned about is the visit.

What visit? The royal visit.

What... royal visit?

In a few days, a close relative of the queen...

will be staying in the residence's guest suite.

And I don't want her staring out of her bedroom window at a festering corpse!

What member of the royal family?

The Duchess of Ripon.

Never heard of her. That is irrelevant.

She is 42nd in line to the throne. A royal!

Now, get that body removed!

My knighthood's at stake, and I'm holding you responsible.

Poor Innocence.

And to think she's just lying there.

Such a terrible business.

Go on, give it a little twirl.

I hope there's some cut-price Juju men hanging around Nkongsamba these days.

Now, put the beard on.

Not bad. Not bad at all.

Just... take your trousers off a minute.

I want to alter them. Come on! I haven't got all day.

I've, uh--

I've just remembered something very important.

Something I must... do.

Oh... God!

Oh... blast!

Ah! You found the Juju man?

No, sir, not yet.

This come for you, sir. Hmm?

So nice of you to come over, Mr. Leafy.

I thought over your proposal...

and decided to accept your kind offer.

You'll visit London. Excellent!

I'll arrange-- London... tomorrow.

Tomorrow? That's a bit difficult. I mean--

No, no, no, no, no. Tomorrow will be fine. First-class of course.

Yes, of course. A suite at the Savoy, I think. A suite overlooking the river.

Savoy. River. Mm-hmm.

- And adjacent suites for my assistants.

- Yes, assistants.

- Four. - And they'll require tickets too?

If I'm correct in assuming that it's still a requirement of British Airways.

One moment please. Professor Adekunle.

So good doing business with you, Mr. Leafy.

Something wrong? No, no, no.

No. Apart from everything else, I've just picked up...

this bloody suppurating sexual disease...

because you've been knocking off that bloody Sonny on the side, I wouldn't wonder.

He's my brother! I go tell you a hundred time.

How am I supposed to know that, eh?

But what of you? You go sleep with plenty, plenty woman!

You go after that English girl! That Priscilla.

What I do is my own business!

I go then.

You keep your apartment for you and your sick-looking white girls.

Hazel. Hazel!

Hazel!

She wants me to take her to some of the Embassy parties, that's what she wants.

Disaster! I can imagine Fanshawe's prissy voice...

when he finds out I met her in a downtown bar!

Just a bit upset, that's all. Lots of things going wrong.

You think I be just a tap-tap girl.

Now, Hazel, I never called you a tap

There.

Now that's better.

Hazel, you don't believe in that witch doctor stuff do you?

That old stuff? No!

That's for Bush people. I modern girl!

What do you think of all this Shango business? Shango? He most powerful god.

Don't make him angry. He make plenty wahallah for you.

I think he already has.

Mr. Leafy, the doctor will see you now.

How-- how serious is this?

I mean, will there be any facial disfigurement?

I hear nostrils are the first thing to go, sort of rot away.

Or loss of sanity. That sort of thing.

No. Good news.

You're all clear.

Oh, thank God! I--

But I... I don't understand.

The pain was-- it was agonizing, excruciating.

Well, we found nothing significant except-- Except what?

The urine had an unusually high alcohol content.

Oh, that! Ha! I can handle that.

It's the other stuff that terrified me.

I see.

Listen, if you go around indiscriminately dipping your wick,

you get infected!

What is it about Murray that makes me want to dash out his brains?

Run him over with his car? Hack him into dog meat with a machete?

Who do you think you are, my father? Some sort of moral storm trooper?

I'm not a child. You can't lecture me. Yes, I can!

If you listen to what I have to say, I might never have to see you again.

That would be better than money in the bank.

Perish the thought.

Your gin and tonic, sir.

Drowning your sorrows?

Ah! I, uh... I think I'm celebrating.

I had some tropical bug, but it's all gone now.

What about you? Working hard?

Hard as usual.

Sam's out of town on business. I know.

What do you mean? He's in London.

London? Yes. Well, we invited him. I--

I'm sorry. I assumed you knew.

So I'm even more at a loose end than I thought.

Anyway, what are you doing on Friday evening?

I thought I'd write a chapter or two of my novel.

Absolutely nothing.

Why don't you come and have a drink with me then? 7:00?

I was just scraping by on a student grant.

And suddenly there was Sam on the staff, and we all fell in love with him.

Anyway, we were all after him, and I got him!

After a while, we went to America.

That was okay.

And then we came here... and things changed.

Why? Oh, come on, you must've noticed! Here they treat him like a god!

And that makes him different.

It's just so hard.

And then there are the women who are everywhere.

I suppose he'll be taking one of his girlfriends to London, one of his assistants.

Mmm.

Let's not talk about Sam anymore.

Everyone's always talking about Sam.

Let's talk about you...

and me.

What--

You're back.

How perceptive of you, Mr. Leafy.

And how nice of you... to entertain my wife in my absence.

I don't want you to think-- Don't... tell me what to think, Mr. Leafy.

Are you familiar, perhaps, with the local phrase "plenty wahallah"?

Hmm?

That's what you're in now!

I know you!

You're Sonny. You're-- You're right, man. I go be Hazel's brother.

Look over there, Mr. Leafy.

The University of Kinjanja? Correct.

And they plan to expand to over here.

New hall of residence.

Conference center. Swimming pools.

Fascinating. But there's one small problem.

One of the members of the governing board has decided to veto the proposal.

Spoilsport.

But... what's that got to do with you? I happen to own the land.

I'm also president of the construction company.

In fact, my family once owned all of this land,

almost all of Kinjanja.

Until you British of course came and bought it from my grandfather for...

a hundred pounds, I think.

I think it was called a... compulsory purchase.

And now you're... taking it all back.

I can see why the veto must be inconvenient. Most.

But what you can do for me...

is to convince this person to change his mind.

I can? Yes.

I assure you, the most appalling things will happen to you if you refuse.

I don't refuse. Oh, good! Wise decision.

Now, to make it easier for you,

you can offer this gentlemen... a financial inducement, if you will.

Say, a 100,000 pounds to help him change his mind.

A hundred grand? Yes.

Who do I have to bribe? Sorry... convince.

Perhaps you're already friends.

His name is Murray. Dr. Alex Murray.

Hmm?

Murray. Somehow everything comes back to Murray.

Even poor Innocence! He could easily have solved that problem for me.

Sent one of his fleet of shiny new ambulances!

What a preposterous idea!

I've never heard anything so outrageous! Do you know what you're saying?

Twenty thousand janjans is only about 200 pounds...

for God's sake! Have you gone completely mad?

Her majesty's government can't possibly be involved in paying for some...

mumbo jumbo Juju ceremony!

What's that going to look like in the report to Whitehall?

I'm only trying to solve the bloody problem!

You're not going to solve it that way. You hear?

Just because you've managed to get Adekunle on a visit to London...

doesn't mean you can rest on your laurels.

You're responsible for this innocence business. You alone!

I want it sorted out!

Thanks a lot.

I never go like this, monsieur.

Jamais, Jamais!

I beg you. Please don't do this.

You go make Shango angry! And no go die well!

Look, you go die now if you don't pull yourself together!

"Movez-vous" vite!

Mon dieu. C'est pas vrai. Non.

Shut up! Take the feet.

The, uh, the--

the, the, um, um--

the... pieds! Pieds!

Watch it!

Maman.

Maman.

Come on.

Merde! Shut up, Friday!

Merde!

I think I give my notice, monsieur.

I think I go die now. Oh, shut up. Don't be so pathetic.

God, I just remembered.

Merry Christmas, Friday.

A merry bloody Christmas to us both!

Arthur! Merry Christmas.

Come in, Leafy.

Notice anything unusual, Leafy?

Unusual? No.

I suppose it's not quite as hot as it was. The staff, man, the staff!

There's not a single member of staff on duty. They're all on strike!

Why?

Because the body is gone! Disappeared in the night.

I'm deeply disappointed in you, Leafy.

You've let me down shockingly! Shockingly!

You did tell me to get rid of the body, Arthur. Top priority!

I requested that you solve a problem of protocol with the African staff.

Damn it, man! You're employed as the First Secretary,

not our resident tomb robber!

Disaster! Utter, utter disaster!

Well, at least the duchess won't have a view of a corpse!

But I can't cope with her visit without a staff, you idiot! My god!

What have you done with the body?

Well, it's in my deep freeze.

How macabre.

Next thing, you'll be practicing black magic.

Innocence will come back to work as a zombie, poor thing.

Well, it's only temporary for Christ's sake!

The deep freeze. Well, I didn't know what to do with the bloody thing!

Will you stop beginning all your sentences with "well."

It's intensely irritating.

Once that old dragon sees...

there's no one here to bring her breakfast in bed, and no one to wash out her knickers,

I'll have as much chance of a knighthood as... the head of the I.R.A.!

They'll leave me out here to rot in this godforsaken country.

I'll be gin-sodden, malarial.

Chloe will leave me.

I'll be living with some lubricious black girl...

down African township.

For God's sake, pull yourself together, Arthur!

Look, when does the duchess actually arrive? In a few hours.

It's over. It's all over! But she won't be coming here directly, right?

She'll be going to the recreation club first. Yes.

And this evening there's a dinner with that bloody Adekunle.

And the Yanks, the Frogs, the Krauts, and the Wops.

*

*

Carolyn, what would you like for Christmas?

A present? Yes?

How about--

A present for a big, beautiful girl! There we are.

I was here in '38.

It was a different story then. Quite different. We ran the place.

Things were properly looked after.

Independence was given far too early.

Oh, dear. Let's help you. Oh, that's all right.

Let's give you a nice present.

Do you think I could have another "G" & "T"? No ice. Of course.

Hello! And who are you?

Trilby. Trilby? What a lovely name.

You having a good Christmas? Very good. Yes.

Innocence!

Oh, fuck! I mean... golly, gosh.

Silly Santa.

Adekunle.

one whom we assume will be President, and his wife Celia.

Charmed.

And you, my dear, do you really enjoy living in this country?

Of course. It's my home.

Yes!

Help yourselves, children! There you are. Everybody in! Yes!

Dr. Murray!

Ah, excuse me, Dr. Murray.

It seems stupid to say "Who are you?" but who are you?

Leafy!

How very festive. On government business?

This is my son, Will.

How do you do? I was just handing out presents for the kiddies.

Season of goodwill and all that. Ho, ho, ho.

Merry Christmas, et cetera.

I didn't realize you're a golfer, Doctor.

I wondered, that is, if you've nothing else on,

if you'd fancy a game... tomorrow, say?

With who? With me.

I thought we should bury the hatchet.

I've never seen you on a golf course.

I, uh, play very odd hours.

Yes, because of the job. Crack of dawn some days.

What do you say?

All right. Tomorrow, 4:00... p.m. Fabulous.

See you on the first green.

- Tee. Before we start?

The first tee. The green is what we aim for.

Of course we do! What am I thinking of?

All this Christmas spirit, I must be losing my mind.

See you tomorrow. I can't wait.

What do you think, Ezekial?

What do you think of this Christmas thing?

Do you like it? I like it, sir.

My father didn't like it. Always rushed off his feet.

He was a barman too at Heathrow Airport.

Is a good job, sir.

He died at Christmas.

Heart attack.

To think I spent three years...

at that rotten university...

working my bloody guts out.

And then, three years more...

facing those dickheads...

at the Civil Service Selection Board...

just so I could end up out here,

dressed as father bloody Christmas,

rat-assed and miserable...

with a dead--

Good night!

And a merry bloody Christmas to you all.

Aaah!

Ah, Innocence!

Is that fire out?

Can't imagine what was going on! Bloody natives.

Something idiotic, that's certain.

I'd like to know what we're doing here in this slum.

I understand that there's a marvelous guest suite on the far side of the building.

Mr. Fanshawe probably didn't think we warranted it.

Ghastly type he is.

Common as dirt.

That accent doesn't fool me. And that wife!

Ha! Hard-faced harridan.

The daughter's sweet, though.

Hmm. Manipulative little vixen, I'd say.

Just going to have a quick shower.

Fix up a couple "G" & "Ts".

Aah! Good evening, Duchess.

I promise I won't say anything to anyone about this if you don't.

Ouch! God's sake!

Oh, my... back!

Mr. Leafy!

Monsieur! [ Groaning, Mumbling ]

Oh, thanks! You were a great bloody help tonight, weren't you?

Well, I don't like that Shango, monsieur. All right!

Where did this lot come from? Christmas present, monsieur.

Huh? From Professor Adekunle.

Oh, no!

Good afternoon, Leafy. Ah!

Well, who won?

Oh! Slight accident with my gas cooker. Blow back, I think they call it.

- Longing for it. God, yes!

You thinking of turning pro?

Uh... treated myself. Christmas present.

Well, I'm in trouble if your game is on a par with your equipment.

Oh, wonderful putt!

Oooh!

Wonderful game, golf. Yes. You must try it sometime.

* A good man in Africa knows what's good for me and you *

* You better be good

* You better be good I mean what I'm sayin' *

Aaah!

Ahh.

I hope you don't mind me asking, Alex,

but do you like it out here?

I mean, in Africa?

Oh, well enough. There's good and bad everywhere.

You're completely content then?

Show me the man who's completely content, and I'll show you the lobotomy scar.

Oh, yes. Thin ice and all that.

But you're not going to retire here.

Are you? No.

Back to Scotland?

No.

In fact,

I'm thinking of Portugal.

Houses-- houses in Portugal...

don't come cheap, I would imagine. No.

I bet a hundred thousand pounds would come in useful.

A hundred thousand pounds? Yes.

Cut to the chase, Leafy.

I will give you 100,000 pounds if...

if you do something.

And what do I have to do?

Uh... you have to put in a positive report on the university extensions.

So...

Adekunle's got the English to carry out his garbage now.

What has he got on you? Nothing. Anyway...

it's not Adekunle. Come on.

Look, couldn't you, you know, just turn a blind eye?

I-If this doesn't come off, he'll--

You're in the wrong game. Why don't you just get yourself out of here?

And what about my bloody career? Your career?

You have more chance on the P.G.A. Tour.

I know I've been a bloody fool.

Well, at least we agree on something.

Why oppose his plans? What's wrong with the university extensions?

Adekunle will make millions from the deal,

and that's nothing to what he'll steal when he's President.

And I'm not endorsing crooked politicians in Africa nor anywhere else.

You won't be endorsing him, just not opposing him.

One way or another, he's gonna get what he wants. So why not take his money?

Christ! You've worked out here for years for a pittance.

I'm sorry you don't understand.

I'll be using my veto.

I'd been rude, sulking,

bullying, selfish, unpleasant, hypocritical, cowardly and conceited.

A normal sort of week? Yes.

But am I...

any different from anyone else in this country,

in this wide, swarming world?

Hazel, where are you going? I go to vote.

Oh, Jesus! The election.

How long have I been here? You come yesterday.

You be drunk. Who are you going to vote for?

Mmm-hmm! As if I didn't know.

Vote K.N.P. for a united Kinjanja! For a united Kinjanja.

Yes, yes, I know. I know.

It is a day of celebration throughout Nkongsamba...

as the K.N.P. party led by professor Sam Adekunle has taken power,

ousting the ruling K.I.P. party...

with a swing of 14%.

Professor Adekunle, seen here arriving this afternoon at the downtown Hilton...

has stressed in his campaign the elimination of corruption in Nkongsamba.

He has promised that the country will undergo an unprecedented year of prosperity.

We hope to bring you an interview with him later in the program.

What would I do without you, Friday?

I don't know, monsieur.

You look tres elegant, tres chic.

Thank you, Friday. Nice of you to say so.

But your face, monsieur. Thank you, Friday.

But for the moment, there's nothing I can do about that.

Adekunle has come through with the oil lease.

All signed.

How does it sound? Sir Arthur Fanshawe.

Richly deserved... sir.

Thank you, Morgan. Ah! Here we are.

Here he is, Duchess, the only member of my team you haven't met.

First Secretary Morgan Leafy.

He's a good man.

How do you do, ma'am? How do you do, Mr. Leafy?

You know, you seem oddly familiar to me.

Have we met before? Don't think so, ma'am.

Perhaps you once had a beard. Facial hair so alters a man's appearance.

Another "G" & "T" please, Arthur.

No ice. Morgan!

Whatever happened to your face?

Uh, cigarette lighter.

Adjusted the flame the wrong way, and... whoomph! Dear me!

I just wanted to say I thought you were a success as Father Christmas.

Oh! Oh, right, Chloe. Yes. Well, look, thanks a lot.

It was-- It was so much fun.

Yes, it was, uh, most interesting.

Mr. President, I must congratulate you on your victory.

Thank you, Mrs. Fanshawe. May I borrow your First Secretary for a moment?

We have some business. Of course.

So, I assume your discussion with Dr. Murray...

was satisfactory, huh? Um--

No, actually. No.

There's a slight problem there.

He is going to veto the project. What?

Listen, Mr. Leafy, increase the offer.

Make it 200,000 pounds. It wouldn't do any good.

He's just... one of those people. Maybe the last one left.

An incorruptible. Oh.

In that case, Mr. Leafy, I would not advise you to invest in any pension plans.

Your career could be short,

as well as inglorious.

Coming.

Celia! Where have you been?

Celia, be careful. I've been trying to find you for days.

What happened to your face? Well--

there was this child trapped in a burning house, and--

No, no. It was just an accident.

I'm leaving him, Morgan. Who?

Sam, of course. And I need your help.

My help? Why would-- You have to get me a British passport.

What are you talking about? You know the situation.

When I married Sam, I had to give up my British citizenship.

And now to get a British passport I need his permission in writing.

He'll never give it.

But you can get one for me, Morgan. It's easy for you.

I see.

I think I... see a lot of things.

Let's face it. If I'd just come to your office and applied,

you'd have told me to get Sam's authorization.

Wasn't my method more exciting?

Yes.

Well, it's going to be a bit difficult. I'm leaving, resigning.

Resigning? Ooh!

Oh, Morgan. Oh.

Don't worry, Celia.

You'll get your passport.

We want Fanshawe!

English out!

Come out, Fanshawe!

Fanshawe! Fanshawe! Fanshawe! Fanshawe!

Fanshawe! Fanshawe!

Fanshawe is doer of the imperialists.

Imperialist dog?

Fanshawe! Fanshawe! Fanshawe!

British out of Kinjanja!

Fanshawe out of Kinjanja!

Fanshawe! Fanshawe! Fanshawe!

Put out the lights! Put out the lights!

Leafy! This is your doing, Leafy!

I'm holding you responsible! It's my fault?

How can it be my fault?

It seems to me as if Mr. Fanshawe is the object of their hatred.

If he goes, perhaps they'll leave us alone.

Don't be ridiculous. Go out there? They'll lynch me.

But it is I think our only chance. Next they'll take the house.

Muller is right. You... should leave. Take him out.

What the fuck do you think you're doing?

How dare you! Get your hands off my husband!

This common African country of yours is finished!

Hold it! Hold it! Listen!

I-I've got an idea.

This better be good, Leafy. They want Arthur, right?

So, we'll give them Arthur!

- Morgan! - Leafy, are you out of your mind?

No, not you, Arthur. Me! I'll go in your place.

What? No!

Yes. You're too valuable a man for the diplomatic corps to lose.

- That's true. - Come on. We'll change clothes here.

In the dark, they'll never know!

Well, come on! We all look the same to them anyway!

Nonsense. Mr.--

Mr. Dalmire should go. Me?

He more closely resembles Mr. Fanshawe.

[ Crowd Outside Whistling, Cheering ]

Fanshawe! Fanshawe!

Morgan, you need a mustache.

My darling, heroic Morgie.

Priss!

See you soon,

if you're not torn to pieces.

Wait! I'm coming with you.

I forbid it. Chloe, I really don't think--

Oh, shut up, Arthur. It'll be more convincing if we both go.

Arthur would never make a dash for it without me.

Fanshawe! Fanshawe!

Morgan?

- I shall never forget this. - Neither will I.

Fanshawe! Fanshawe!

Right!

I'll change it. I'll give you a hand.

Oh, my God!

Come on, Chloe!

There's Fanshawe! C'mon! Shit!

Come on!

God! No!

Over here! Over here!

Shit!

[ Machinegun Fire Continues ]

Chloe!

*

We-- We request your assistance.

Mon dieu! Say, monsieur Leafy.

Friday, what are you doing here? Tonight is my night off.

And this be my friend's bar. This is Friday, my cook.

Friday, we need a lift into town.

Morgie, do you remember that day?

What day?

That day you came to try on the Santa Claus outfit.

Well, what about it?

I've been thinking about you since then.

A lot.

Have you, Chloe?

You... Ahh! Ahh!

Stallion.

Chloe, my God! Wha-- I can't leave you tonight without--

I want our loins to mingle.

Ah! Mon dieu!

Who are you? What you do here?

British High Commission.

We have been attending your President's victory celebrations.

Sorry. We had demonstrators here.

We've got to be vigilant. Of course, Officer.

So, what's happened here?

We collided with that ambulance. Anyone hurt?

Yes, sir. The driver was killed, one man hurt.

Most serious.

One white man.

Murray!

I don't believe it!

Happens just when... you least expect it.

Silly little... accident.

We've got to move you, get you out of here. No, no.

Can't be moved.

What are you up to now?

I-- I was at Adekunle's--

It's all too complicated.

But listen, I'm following your advice.

Really? Yes, really.

I'm sorry about what I've done and said.

You were right.

Alex, this is so fucking unfair!

Aah, you're right this time.

Thin ice.

Thanks... for being here, Morgan.

It's very good of you.

I'm gonna turn in Adekunle. They'll all know about your veto.

We'll get him! We'll finish him in politics.

Don't you worry-- Some other time, eh?

I haven't got all night.

- I have to say this.

You look bloody ridiculous in that outfit.

Why Murray?

Why Murray, a good man like that?

There aren't many of 'em around.

Kojo, Isaiah, Friday, Murray.

Poor Murray.

Dead... like innocence.

Bloody Shango.

Bastard!

Morgie!

Chloe! Forgot about her. Morgie!

Not so sure about this at all.

Murray said I was in the wrong game.

Time to find a new one, I think.

So, Kojo, everything ready?

Some person moved the body three days ago, sir. Yes.

Mr. Fanshawe told me. Bad business.

There's never been respect. Never, sir.

I know, I know. That's why I've decided to do something.

Tell Ijeoma it's a gift.

Thank you, sir. You're a good man, Mr. Leafy.

Think so?

Well, better late than never.

*

*