All language subtitles for Unfaithfully Yours 1948 Rex Harrison & Linda Darnell

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♪♪

I tell you, you've got nothing
to worry about.

- The plane is perfectly safe.
- Can I have –

- It ran a little low on gas when it got
into all that fog, that's all.
- Thank you.

So they had to set down in –
Give me that one again, Max.

A rooster? Oh, Aroostook.

Aroostook. And where is Aroostook
supposing to be it shouldn't happen?

It's in the general neighborhood
of Nova Scotia.

And from this general neighborhood,
maybe you can tell me...

how tonight at philharmonic
he is a concert conducting?

By “telewision,” I am presuming.

Is it a very bad fog?

- Make him tell me the truth, Hugo.
- Of course it ain't.

- Don't worry, honey.
- It's hardly a fog at all, madam.

It's – It's more of a mist, really.
More of a –

- Yes, Max?
- Just something to make the engines run better.

- Don't worry, darling.
- Correction, please.

- What is it?
- It was not Aroostook. It was Antigonish.

And where is this mudhole,
if I ain't too optimistic?

In the general neighborhood
of Nova Scotia, I believe.

- What a neighborhood.
- Hugo, do try to find out.

- Correction, please.
- Shh.

It turns out it wasn't Antigonish after all.

It was Apohaqui.
And it didn't get there, it left there.

- Apohaqui!
- Then where is it now?

In the general neighborhood of Nova Scotia.
Where else?

Far, far from it, my friend.

As a matter of fact, there it is, coming in...

- Hooray!
- directly behind you right now.

- What an airline.
- There is one reassuring thing about airplanes...

- they always come down.
- Come on, stupid.

Am I glad to see you, Alfie.
Again Wolfgang is sick.

So our concert got to be shoved up.
Tonight we are giving it yet.

Did you think of me every night?

Of course I did, my love.

Did you take my picture to bed with you?

Of course I did, my darling.

Are they kidding? If she wasn't my own sister,
I'd have a name for her that'd make –

Dream of me after you went to sleep?

Every single night, my love.

- Only I – I didn't sleep very well.
- Will somebody get me an ice pack?

Put 'em back on your nose
and learn something.

At least did you get some rest
on the plane last night?

- Frankly, not a particle.
- Oh.

Then I'm going to take you
right straight home...

put you into a nice hot tub –

I really don't think
they ought to do this in public.

Of course, it's better to do it in public
than not to do it at all.

And then we'll have our little nap.

And then I'll wake you up with a nice
frosted bottle of brut champagne.

I found same Pol Roger '34.

- And then –
- You see, some men just naturally...

make you think of brut champagne.

With others, you think of prune juice.

You have nothing to laugh at.

So then you'll go down
and rehearse your men.

- Oughtn't that to be time enough, Hugo?
- Look...

it ain't as if you was
a rehearser anyway.

He's a hypnotist. Out of what dogs
have I seen him coax it out of.

Of course it'll be soon enough.
It's the men who really count.

All I do is wave a little wand a little,
and out comes the music.

A little magic wand, darling,
dipped in a little stardust.

♪♪

♪♪

Don't that drive you nuts, always leaving
you hanging up on the meat hook like that?

I confess, it is quite irritating, sir.

I suppose I ought to wake him up
if he's gonna see anyone before the concerts.

Oh, give him a couple of minutes.
Ain't you ever been in love?

♪ Da, da, da, da, da, dee ♪

♪ Da, da, da, dee ♪

♪♪

- I'm so sorry.
- Oh, isn't it customary to knock
before coming into a bedroom?

- Or am I just old-fashioned?
- I did knock, Sir Alfred.

- Extremely sorry. I didn't hear you.
- I just wanted to make sure you were awake...

and ask you what to do about
the morning delegation of crackpots.

Oh, dear.

Among them a lady reporter who wants
to know why you conduct with a stick.

What's she expect me to use,
an umbrella?

- She says Stokie uses just his hands.
- Ah, but they're so beautiful.

So large. So white. So free and easy on the draw.
Mine look more like nutcrackers.

- Here, darling.
- Thank you, sweetheart.

She also wants to know why
you conduct from a score.

Because I can actually read music.
I also play an instrument, the flageolet.

- Don't forget to tell her that.
- Certainly, Sir Alfred.

- I'll get you a light.
- Thanks.

Also, Mr. Pedasta, your concert master,
would like to discuss with you...

the fingering in the fourth, fifth
and sixth bars before letter “H”...

in the Tannhäuser overture.

Oh, dear. The fingering's standard.
What's the matter with him?

He says because it's the Paris version
with the Venusberg music.

- Do you want the French fingering?
- That old story.

Tell Mr. Pedasta I'll walk with him
to the rehearsal and discuss it on the way.

- I've got to get dressed now.
- Certainly, Sir Alfred.

Then there is a citizen
who wants you to endow...

the De Carter Foundation
for the Diffusion of Serious Music.

Well, throw him out.
Nothing serious about music.

It should be enjoyed flat on the back
with a sandwich in one hand...

and a bucket of beer in the other
and as many pretty girls around as possible.

- Oh, Tony, if you repeat one word of this stuff.
- I won't.

You know, the only trouble with you is
I never feel like getting up...

I never feel like getting dressed...

I never feel like going out into the world
to wrestle it and bring it to its knees.

I think the successful, energetic men must all
have been married to women who looked like –

Oh. Well, I will now leap
into a cold shower.

I'll take it.

Some flowers for Lady de Carter.

- Oh, how nice.
- I'll take 'em.

Say – Oh, there you are.

- Give him a dollar, Hugo.
- A dollar?

Well, it's only 62 and one-half cents,
you know, at the moment.

- There's 62 and a half cents for you.
- Thank you, Sir Alfred.

I'll pretend it's a dollar.

I wonder who sent her these.

Why don't you grab yourself a look
and treat yourself to a surprise?

'Cause it's none of my business.
They're probably from some poor devil...

who was madly in love with her,
nearly perished when she married me...

and once a year, on the anniversary
of their last farewell...

sends her this little bunch of snapdragons.

- Or could they be hollyhocks?
- In this box it could be a skeleton.

- He could've sent himself.
- Don't be gruesome, Hugo.

- Oh, I see they came, Sir Alfred.
- Hmm?

I tried to get all long-stemmed roses...

but they must have filled out
with a few chrysanthemums.

Oh, these are the flowers that I – Lovely!

That you asked me to send
on the way in this morning.

- Of course.
- I scratched out the name on one of your cards...

and wrote instead, “For my love.”

Remarkably efficient.
Thank you very much.

And have this razor honed for me, will you?

- It's duller than one of my brother-in-law's jokes.
- Certainly, Sir Alfred.

- Mr. Henschler is on his way up, by the way.
- Oh, what does he want?

- He did not inform me.
- I've already seen him once today.

I mean, just 'cause he's married
to my wife's sister doesn't entitle him to –

- Really, what a bore he is.
- Look, he's got one hundred million dollars.

Don't be expecting also Mickey Mouse.

I have a few million myself, you know.
It doesn't entitle me to –

You ain't got a hundred million.
It's that last zither that cooks the goose.

That miser. Every fur coat he gives his wife
he inherited from his grandmother.

Every pearl from his aunt.
Every diamond from his blasted –

- Stop. You're breaking my heart.
- It's silly of me to allow him to annoy me so...

but do I haunt his hotel constantly
sending messages I'm on my way up to see him?

Do I use the vaguest of all relationships...

two strangers who marry sisters,
as a wedge for the purpose of –

Mr. August Henschler, sir.

Good morning again, August.
I've never seen you looking better.

- Well, I, uh –
- Do you want to see me alone or in committee?

Or is it really necessary
for you to see me at all?

Well, if it wouldn't be too much trouble –
Good morning.

How do you do?
Remember, you have a lot of other jerks...

waiting for you in front room
after you get through in here.

I'll take the razor down to the barbershop.

Now, my dear August,
what happy updraft wafts you hither?

Thank you.
Now let me see. How to begin.

- At the beginning.
- Yes, quite so.

You are no doubt aware, Alfred,
that I have a deep sense of family obligation.

I wasn't aware of it,
but I'm willing to take your word for it.

- We are brothers-in-law, aren't we?
- I'm afraid we are.

There's not a blasted thing
we can do about it.

Oh? It may come as quite a shook to you
to realize that I don't actually relish...

being your brother-in-law
any more than you relish being mine.

- No?
- Yes.

In the first place, I hate music,
which doesn't relieve me from having to snore...

through every confounded soiree
that you promulgate.

- Soiree.
- Precisely.

And in the second place,
I am embarrassed about the product...

that your family made its money out of.

- And in the third place –
- Just as good as sucking mortgages,
if you should happen to ask me.

It may be, but I prefer mortgages.
And lastly, as a humble American...

the only titles that I have any use for...

are in my vault in
the Guaranty Title and Trust Company.

I see. Well, you have
my deepest sympathy, August...

but I am a baronet, I am a bandleader...

and my family's product has
kept England on time since Waterloo.

There it is. Now, if I may inquire again
for the reason for this happy visitation.

I'll come to the point at once.
When you left for England...

and asked me to keep an eye
on your wife during your absence –

- Keep an eye on my wife?
- I naturally accepted in the same spirit...

that I'd expect you to display
had I asked you to keep an eye on my wife...

- while taking off, let us say, for Zanzibar.
- When are you leaving?

- I said “if.”
- Oh.

What I didn't know, and I don't see
very well how I could have...

was that my dear mother, who is probably
public hypochondriac number one...

would wire me the same day asking
me to join her in Palm Beach...

- because of a slight indisposition.
- Oh, I'm distressed to hear it.

I suppose she's related
to me also in some way.

- So faintly it's hardly worth mentioning.
- Good.

- I'm sorry anyway.
- Oh, we're quite used to it.

If it isn't one part of her that's ailing,
it's another.

And she seems to have so many parts,
for a woman of her age, that is.

However, to return to our muttons –
you asked me to keep an eye on your wife...

and I assure you that had it been possible
for me to do so, I would gladly have done so.

I don't doubt it for a second. But if it was
any trouble, or inconvenient in any way –

Nothing is too much trouble
for the busy man.

If you ever want anything done, always ask
the busy man. The others never have time.

Now, you asked me to keep an eye on your wife,
and I assure you that –

You keep repeating “keep an eye on your wife,”
as if it had some special meaning.

I don't know that you're leading up to,
but for some reason I feel my back hair rising.

Well, you see Alfred, being a little nearsighted,
I couldn't keep an eye on her from Palm Beach.

Nevertheless, I did not fail you.

Again, something's happening
to my back hair.

I don't recollect saying anything to you
at the airport except possibly good-bye.

But if I did say keep an eye on my wife for me,
I meant see if she's lonely some evening.

And if she is, take her to the movies,
you and Barbara.

But you didn't say that.
You said, “Keep an eye on my wife for me.”

Well, supposing I did,
how could you do it from Palm Beach?

- With detectives.
- With detectives.

With detectives!
You stuffed moron!

Control yourself, Alfred. Control yourself. This
is entirely uncalled for. Kindly release my scarf.

You dare to inform me you had
vulgar footpads in snap-brim fedoras...

sluicing after my beautiful wife?

I believe it's called “sleuthing.”
Kindly let go of my shirt. You're tearing it.

There's nothing to be so upset about.
I merely had her tailed.

You merely had her what?
I give you my solemn word, August...

if I don't regain control of myself
in a few minutes, concert or no concert...

I'll take this candelabrum, and I'll beat that walnut
you use for a head into a nutburger...

- I believe they're called.
- Please try to k-k-keep cool, Alfred.

K-K-Keep cool, Alfred, my sainted aunt!
I am outraged!

- Please, Alfred.
- Low as my opinion has always been of you...

little as I ever expected of chivalry
or even common dignity...

today you've sunk below even yourself.

This is the sewer,
the nadir of good manners.

I really think you're exaggerating
a little, Alfred.

I've always used detectives to some extent,
and so has my whole family.

One of my aunts even married one,
although I admit she was elderly at the time.

Then your whole family is contaminated.

No man who employs detectives
should ever be disappointed.

I hope every time
you've engaged these vermin...

you've discovered that you had antlers
out to here...

that you were the laughingstock
of the city...

that you came crawling out
of the agency, your face aflame...

your briefcase stuffed with
undeniable evidence of your multiple betrayal...

dishonor dripping from your ears
like garlands of seaweed.

I forgive your insults on the grounds
that you are excited.

I forbid you to forgive me anything
on any grounds whatsoever...

and I may still punch you
in the nose at any instant!

Get out of here and never speak to me
again unless it's in some public place...

where your silence might cause comment
or embarrassment to our wives!

Oh, dear.

I don't imagine that you'd be much interested
in the operator's report.

- Yes, I would!
- Although it contained a couple of passages...

- that I, for one –
- That you for one what?

Now get out of here
before I do the same to you.

I suppose I'll see you at the concert this evening.
I've already bought two tickets.

I suppose so.
I'm usually there on the nights I conduct.

I see.

What is that supposed to be?
You angel.

It's supposed to contain flowers.
It might easily turn out to be a rowing machine.

You sweet love.

Well, I just wonder where we're going
to find anything big enough to put them in.

- I wonder if the kitchen would have anything.
- You really do love me, don't you?

- What?
- You really do love me, don't you?

I don't know what I'd be doing here if I didn't.

I don't either.

By the way, you didn't do anything
you shouldn't while I was away, did you?

I mean, like, falling in love with anyone else,
or anything like that.

How could I fall in love with anyone else
when you took my heart with you?

No man ever had a better answer than that.

Will you meet me at La Lotte's about 1:00
on the way to lunch?

- La Lotte's? What for?
- 'Cause you haven't a thing to wear.

I'd like to buy you a little something.
Would you do that for me?

- But, darling, I have closets full of –
- And then lunch with me?

Of course I will. But I don't really need a thing.

- I have –
- It says here in very small type.

- I'll see you at La Lotte's.
- All right, darling.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

And now, gentlemen, merely to follow
the wishes clearly expressed by the composer...

pizzicato con molto vibrato.

Like a dentist chipping out an old filling.

♪♪

Keep playing, gentlemen.
I don't want to waste your time.

- Dr. Schultz.
- Yes, Sir Alfred?

Yours is my favorite instrument
in the entire orchestra.

I've been looking at you,
but I can't hear you.

I was afraid of being a little loud, Sir Alfred.
You know, vulgar.

As a small boy I was learned always
never to be vulgar.

Be vulgar, by all means,
but let me hear that brazen laugh.

♪♪

♪♪ Okay. Follow your nose to first door...

open door, walk through,
come to wall, stop.

♪♪

Shh.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Splendid, gentlemen. Splendid.
It's already much too good for them.

Besides which I've got an appointment
with a beautiful young lady.

I'll see you later.

♪♪

This gentleman says
he has something for you.

- He's from the hotel.
- And I ain't a gentleman. I'm the detective there.

- You remember me, don't you, Sir Alfred?
- Yes, I think I've seen you skulking around.

You're what's known
as the house dick, aren't you?

That's me.
Can I see you alone a minute?

I suppose so. I shan't enjoy it.

Hot work.

I'd like to make this alone,
if it's all the same to you, buddy.

Oh, very well.

- Beautiful music, sir.
- Thank you.

Just beautiful.

Thank you very much, Jules.

Now what do you want?
I'm sorry to sound sharp...

but I feel extremely unsympathetic
towards all detectives this morning.

All in the line of duty for me, boss.

Just shows you the kind of service
we're giving you at the Towers, that's all.

We don't know just how it got in the hall.
We're investigating that.

But we found it and saved it for you.

It's a detective's operator's report.

- I glued it together myself.
- I see.

- You, uh, read it, I presume?
- Just enough to glue it together.

I see. You concluded
that when I tear papers up into small bits...

and throw the bits into a wastebasket
and kick the wastebasket out of the door...

it's because I wish to keep the papers
that go to make up the document, correct?

Well, we didn't know, Sir Alfred.
The head maid seen this basket come flying out...

and she called me,
and I just used my own judgment, that's all.

Very astute. Do you customarily shove your nose
this deep into other people's business?

- Look, boss, as far as I'm concerned –
- Have you a match, at least?

- Huh?
- A match. One of those little wooden things...

that you strike on the side of a box.

- Yes, sir.
- Light it, please.

Yes, sir.

Now get it going well.
That's fine.

Now hold it steady.

- Nix, boss.
- You see? It was very important to me.

Cut it out, boss.
Take it easy, will you?

- I hope you don't know any way
of bringing it back to life this time.
- No, sir.

Now watch closely.

You see? Now why don't you
go back to your work at the hotel.

There may be
some important things for you to do...

like spying on decent people
through looking through keyholes...

and standing on ladders
and picking through the garbage.

Look, boss, I'm sorry.
I only meant to –

Look out!

Ow! Ow! I'll get something.

- You'd better come out, Jules.
There's been a bit of trouble here.
- I'll get the extinguisher, sir.

Turn on the water!

I am turning it on.

Watch what you're doing!

I'll be careful.

Bring it over here.

Not over there!
Over here!

I've got it!

Wonderful. Beautiful.

Would you take the telephone, please?
It's Sir Alfred.

- Oh, thank you.
- What a lollipop.

Hello. Hello, sweetie love.
Where are you? You're late.

I'm dreadfully sorry.
There's been a little excitement down here.

I'll join you as soon
as I get into some dry trousers.

Darling, I can't hear a thing you're saying
with all those bells going off.

Some silly ass set fire to my dressing room.

Uh, who'd you say set fire to it?

No. He set fire to it himself.

- Insurance.
- Oh, shh.

I said if you see anything pretty,
be sure to buy it.

- But I don't want to buy anything.
- Well, buy several.

It's always nice to have a change.
And I've told Tony to pick you up for lunch.

Are you the party that started this “confloration”?

Yes. Just one minute, Colonel.
I've just got to answer some questions, darling.

There's a nobleman in a white hat
waiting outside the booth for me.

You didn't get in any trouble, did you?
I'll come right over.

- You didn't get burned?
- What are you talking –

On the contrary, I'm sloshing wet,
and I don't think I'm in the slightest trouble.

Uh, I'll be with you
in one second, General.

Good-bye, my darling.
I'll join you at the earliest possible moment.

♪♪

- Hello, Annie.
- Hello, Sir Alfred.

Thank you.

- Hello, Louie. Is my bride here?
- Certainly, Sir Alfred. She's in 44.

Hi, darling.

- I think I'll have a quick brandy.
- Certainly, Sir Alfred.

- I was in a slight fire.
- Sir?

- Put that on my check, will you?
- Yes, sir.

- Conduisez monsieur au 44.
- Thank you.

- Sir Alfred.
- Hello, Josef.

What are you two doing here?
Why aren't you all lunching together?

- We didn't wish to intrude.
- They look so cute together.

Well, why shouldn't they look cute together?

See you later, pretty one.

May I?

Oh. Excuse me.

♪♪

- So sorry, my darling.
- Ah.

- Thank you so much, Tony, for bringing her.
- Not at all, Sir Alfred.

- Thank you.
- I was simply famished, sweetie love. I had to eat.

And you were awful to buy me those dresses,
and I adore you for it.

Tell me about the fire. Did you burn
down the whole thing or only the back half?

Sorry to disappoint you – it was just
a curtain and part of a venetian blind.

I think they broke the leg off a piano.
It was very unimportant.

Why aren't Barbara and August sitting with you?

I haven't the slightest idea.
They seemed quite cool.

- They seemed or he seemed?
- They both seemed.

- What's she got to be cool about?
- What's he got to be cool about?

That's another matter. He may have misunderstood
something I said, taken it the wrong way.

- By Jove.
- What's the matter, darling?

Excuse me one second, darling.
I'll be right back.

Excuse me, Barbara, I've just had a – sit down –
revolting thought, August.

Would those people who shall be nameless
be apt to have additional copies...

of that which I did you know what with
this morning?

- 'Cause I will not have them around.
- Uh –

If you can figure that out,
you're smarter than I think you are.

Why not forget the whole thing, Alfred,
and concentrate on your music?

I will tell them to dispose
of those things at the earliest opportunity.

I'll tell them myself.
Give me one of their cards.

- I suppose you carry them around with you
in case of emergency.
- I –

What's all the mystery? Did he –

The mystery is you're married to a square from
Delaware, if you're familiar with the appellation.

That's no mystery.
The whole world knows it.

- There you are, Alfred, but I still think that –
- Thank you very much indeed.

Thank you.

Well, what's the matter with him?
He's getting nuttier than you are.

You weren't challenging August to a duel,
were you, darling?

- I saw you passing cards around.
- A duel?

I'll take him by the back of the neck
and drop him into a dustbin.

I've just remembered something I've got to
attend to at once, so if you'll excuse me –

- Take care of lunch, Tony.
- But you haven't had anything to eat, darling.

I don't want anything to eat at the moment.

Perhaps you'll have
a sandwich for me at the hotel later.

Of course I will. You're all nervous, darling.
It's that plane flight.

I feel a lot better already.
I'll see you in a little while, my love.

All right, dearest.

- You are Mr. Sweeney?
- Who me?

Why not O'Brien?
What do you want to see him about?

About business, I suppose.
I suppose you'd call this a business.

- Well, what would you call it?
- I'd call it a criminal invasion...

of the rights of decent people –

an assault upon the very privacy
which is the cornerstone of self-respect –

an infamous pursuit
without shame or ethics –

a vile calling, masquerading
in the cloak of respectability...

but actually sprung
from the cesspools of humanity.

- Look, mister –
- Seepage of civilization.

- Does that answer your question?
- Look, mister, I'm the tailor from next door.

I'm just here to eat my lunch.

I mean, I was trying to eat my lunch
and answer the telephone.

A favor, that's all.

With much of what you got to say –
and believe me...

whatever you are doing,
you are wasting your time...

you should be in Congress –
confidentially I agree...

but what good is that going to do you?

About a blue serge suit,
my opinion is worth something.

- But from ethics –
- Then where is the director of this enterprise?

Here he is now climbing. Tell him.

- Good day.
- Good day.

A gentleman to see you, Ed.

- You at last are Mr. Sweeney, I trust.
- And you are Sir Alfred de Carter.

How I've looked forward
to this moment, Sir Alfred.

I was at your maiden concert in this country –
your “de-butt” – down there at Aeolian Hall.

People said, “What do you want
to hear that limey for?

“What does he know about music?

It takes an Italian or a Russian
or a Dutchman to bring it out good.”

But something inside of me said,
“Give the limey a chance.”

- And I did.
- Did you?

And am I glad I did.
That hunch has paid off in golden dividends.

I've never missed one of your concerts –
within the metropolitan area, of course.

I'm no millionaire, and I can't afford
to travel around the country after you...

to South Dakota and places like that.

Here's to the world's greatest living conductor.

This is hardly what
I came to see you about, Mr. –

The way you handle Handel, Sir Alfred.

For me there's nobody handles Handel
like you handle Handel.

- Really?
- There's you up here.

And then there's nobody –
no second, no third.

Maybe way down here Arturo – a poor fourth.

That is largely debatable.
In any case, what I came to see you about –

And your Delius – delirious.

I usually have my tickets
as soon as they're printed.

That change in schedule
loused me up a little, but I'll get in somehow.

I'm bitterly sorry to hear
that you're a music lover.

I live for music.
Without music I wouldn't –

I had always hoped that music had
a certain moral and antiseptic power...

quite apart from its obvious
engorgement of the senses...

which elevated and purified its disciples...

- lifting them out of professions like this infamy.
- You're just hurt. I can see it.

- Oh, Sir Alfred –
- So spare me your compliments.

The flattery of a footpad
is an insult in itself.

You mean a flatfoot, don't you, Sir Alfred?

- You don't mean a footpad.
- I mean a footpad!

And now that I know that you like them,
I shall probably cut Handel and Delius
out of my program forever.

- Don't talk like that.
- Please refrain from mentioning
any other of your musical favorites...

and poisoning those for me also!

You're just hurt. I can see it.

You read that report,
and naturally it upset you.

Aw, we fall for these little dames
and try to believe they're in love with us...

when every morning
our shaving mirror yells, “They can't be”...

till one day we find out that youth
belongs to youth, like you just done.

- And then –
- Take your hands off me!

Aw, don't be sore at me.
What have I got to do with it?

I suppose it was me that went down to
3406 in the middle of the night...

wearing only a negligee
and stayed for 38 minutes.

I suppose that's the part that bothered you.

It usually is.

3406.

Yeah, I think that was the number.

I got it here someplace if you want it.

But it's only circumstantial evidence.

Why don't we give her the benefit of the doubt?

Maybe she couldn't open her toothpaste.
You was in England...

so she goes down
and gets this guy to do it for her.

Or maybe she seen a mouse in her room,
and it upset her and she wanted company.

Aw, of course, that one's kind of thin.

Aw, why don't we give her
the benefit of the doubt anyway?

Maybe she woke up out of a bad dream,
and without thinking...

where she was going,
slipped into a negligee and –

Are you presuming
to discuss Lady de Carter, my wife?

Well – Well, you read it, didn't you?

Oh, I thought that's why
Henschler said he wanted –

Holy Moses.

Uh – Here, sit down someplace.

- Is this the only copy?
- Yeah, that's the original.

You're a wise man. I been through it.

Only I wasn't as smart as you are.

So I lost my piano and my savings...

and a little shack I had down at the beach –

and her.

So what have I got now?

Maybe I shouldn't be saying it,
but if it was me...

I'd never have 'em tailed.

I'd never try to find out nothing.

I'd just be grateful for whatever
they was willing to give me –

a year, a week, an hour.

For tonight.

Sir Alfred.

I'm sure I would know about it, sweetie, although
this joint is a little like Grand Central Station.

- Well, I just thought he might be, that's all.
- Well, I'm sure he isn't.

But wait a minute.
I'll go and ask Casanova.

- Oh.
- Daphne wants to know if you've seen Alfred.

- He seems to have disappeared.
- No, I haven't.

But we're not exactly
on the best of terms anyway, so –

Okay.

No, he isn't, sweetie. There's nobody here but
Sitting Bull counting his money in the other room.

What time do you want us to pick you up?

If he doesn't show up pretty soon,
there may not be any concert.

Wait a minute.

The great man is just coming in now.

Make it about 7:30, will you, darling?

That is, unless we want to get some
hamburgers or something on the way.

Okay. You do whatever you like.

Oh, and what fur are you going to wear?
So that I won't wear the same.

Right. Okay, baby. Bye.

Darling, what happened to you?
Tony and I have been awfully worried.

I finally had to send him
to get dressed anyway.

Really?

I've had your nice sandwich all ready, and –

and the ice all ready for your drink...

and the bed all ready for your nap.

Where have you been?
I – I bet you've been out with some girls.

Girls, hah!

Well, then where have you been, darling?
Honestly, I've been awfully worried.

- I've been to the movies.
- The movies?

I saw a very long picture about a dog...

the moral of which was that
a dog is a man's best friend.

And a companion feature which questioned
the necessity of marriage for eight reels...

- and then concluded it was essential in the ninth.
- Alfred.

Also something about “time marching on”
and a newsreel of the royal family...

christening something
extremely out of focus –

a lot of people being saved
from a sinking freighter...

and a cat which had its kittens
in a harmonium...

which made ghostly music and frightened
a Harlem congregation nearly out of its wits.

- You feel quite hot.
- I feel anything but quite hot!

Well, why didn't you take me to the movies?
I love the movies.

Because there are times
when a man wishes to be alone.

This was one of those times.
Any further questions?

Well, no, of course not, darling.

- I hate dry white bread.
- I'm sorry.

Oh, would you like me to run
a nice hot bath for you?

Do I appear to need one?

Well, no, of course you don't, darling. I –

If I decide that I need a nice hot bath,
I will draw one.

If I don't, I won't.

Alfred, you're going to make me cry.

Oh, darling, please, eat some
of your sandwich anyway, won't you?

You can't go all day and all night
without eating.

Thank you for your solicitude.

I hate breast of turkey.

Oh. Oh.

Good evening, Sir Alfred.

Come in.

Sir Alfred.

Was there something, Sir Alfred?

♪♪

♪♪

I don't know what's the matter with you.

And I don't know what's the matter
with my zipper either.

Will you see if you can close it for me?

Turn around.

Suck in a little.

What's the matter with you?
That's a fine thing.

- I'll have to change into something else.
- Change into something else!

You aren't suffering from any shortage.

The women of England
would be lucky to have one dress.

- What's that to do with me?
- You are married to an Englishman.

I didn't ask you to buy me all these dresses.
I can't stop you from buying me dresses.

You're always saying meet me at so-and-so's
and I'll buy you a dress. You know you do.

If you're so worried about
how Englishwomen are dressed...

there's nothing to stop you
from sending them all to them instead.

It wouldn't make any difference to me.
I don't like clothes!

- I've sent the women of England plenty!
- Then shut up about it.

- I forbid you to speak to your husband in that tone!
- That's right. Strike me, you brute.

- So, you don't dare.
- Go and get dressed for the concert.

This is certainly going to be
the most magnificent concert!

- Maybe I'll go to the movies instead.
- Culturally that might suit you better.

And I thought my sister had married the jerk!

Oh – Oh, give me that zipper!

Ohh!

Next aisle over.
The usher will give you a program.

Straight ahead, please.

Last aisle over.
The usher will give you a program.

It is remarkable how many people
will pay out good money for this sort of thing.

Give me the quiet fireside
and an overstuffed chair.

- It isn't quite so quiet when you start snoring.
- Barbara.

Five and six.

- You ever been in love, Jules?
- Oh, devotedly, sir.

Hmm.

What would you do if you discovered
that your wife had, uh –

this is purely hypothetical, of course –

had, uh –
I wish I could think of a softer word –

uh, been untrue to you?

Untrue to me, sir?
Oh, I think it's most unlikely.

First of all,
where would she find anybody, sir?

And in the second place, if she'd wanted
somebody better looking than me...

she could've had him easy enough.

I was awful ugly when I was young, sir.

- Three minutes, Sir Alfred.
- Thanks, Herbert.

Look! Look!

♪♪

Why don't you be more careful?
Why don't you look what you're doing?

Thank you, Jules.
Here we go.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

I, uh, trust you enjoyed the concert.

I thought you were wonderful, darling.

Thank you.
I felt quite inspired tonight.

I know it sounds absurd,
but did you have a peculiar feeling...

that you were watching me conduct
for the last time?

For the last time?

Women get premonitions
about things sometimes –

such as if their husbands
are going to die or –

or even that they are going to, uh,
pass on, I believe it's called...

in refined circles,
or things of that nature.

Why should I have any thoughts like that?

Well, it could have been the music,
which does strange things sometimes.

Very strange things.

You know, after all this
somber music of mine...

I think you ought to hear something
a little lighter, something gayer...

something a little nearer your age
as a sort of antidote.

How would you like to go dancing?

Oh, wouldn't that be wonderful.

Yes. Wouldn't it?

I've got to talk to Hugo about
the South American tour for a while.

I might be able to join you later.
Certainly I'll try very hard.

Join who later?

Oh, you and whoever's
fortunate enough to take you dancing.

At my expense, of course.

I insist upon paying.

Oh, I don't think I should like
to go dancing without you.

I can't think of anyone
I'd care to go out with.

Think hard.

I am thinking hard, but I –
I can't think of anybody.

What about Tony?

Tony?

Oh, you mean Tony.

Well, why should I want to
go out with Tony?

I merely suggested Tony because
he's my secretary and therefore convenient...

'cause he's a fine-looking young man...

and you must look well together,
especially dancing...

and because, uh, being seen with him...

since it's well known that he is my secretary,
would cause no raised eyebrows...

or remarks behind the napkins...

and finally because he has
my complete confidence.

Oh, but he's such a bore.

Oh, he's obviously not as amusing as I am.

I'm not asking you
to fall in love with the young man.

I'm only asking you
to let him take you dancing.

Well, if you really want me to.

I really want you to.

I don't suppose there could be
much harm to it.

How could there be?

I'll go and call him then.

Do you know his room number?

I could get it
from the operator, I guess.

Oh, yes. Of course.

Now, what will you wear?

Oh, do you think I should change
just for Tony?

Tony's a very handsome young man.
You mustn't talk about him in that way.

- I never noticed it.
- I'm sure you haven't.

Nevertheless, I'd wear something younger,
something a little less conservative.

It's not as though you were
going out with, uh, me.

Oh, you mean like that purple one
with the plumes at the hips?

Yes. Why not the one
with the plumes at the hips?

Now go and call Tony
and tell him to pick you up in, uh...

15 minutes exactly.

And then put on the purple one
with the plumes at the hips.

- Run along.
- All right, darling.

Thank you.

♪♪

♪♪

Help. Help.

Help!

Stop! Tony, stop!

Help. Help.

Help! Stop! Tony, stop!

Oh! Oh!

Help! Murder! Police!

Murder!

No, I tell you. It was his own idea.

You're sure you –
you won't mind, Tony?

Sure it won't be
too, too much trouble?

♪♪

All right, honey.

He said in 15 minutes exactly, but –

Well, that was about five minutes ago.

So if you're in any hurry.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm!

♪♪

Alfred, stop, please!

Oh, forgive me, Alfred.

No! No!

Stop, Alfred!

♪♪

♪♪

Come in.

Good evening.

Ah, there you are, my boy.

Extremely kind and devoted of you
to take my place for tonight with Daphne.

Which I hardly presume amuses you,
as no doubt you like older women.

You know as I told you
when I first engaged you...

24 hours a day and not a minute less
would be the least I would need you.

I'm very glad to be of service, Sir Alfred.
Any service any time.

I don't doubt it for an instant, my boy.

Maybe I can do something
for you someday. Who knows?

Darling, Tony's here.

Ah, she didn't hear me.

But you know what women are like
when they're dressing...

and putting on something extra special
to go dancing with handsome young men like you.

I wish I hadn't got to talk business
with Hugo. You are lucky.

However –

Oh, I don't think the barber did
an awfully good job on that razor.

- You did ask him to hone it, didn't you?
- Of course I did. Have you tried it?

- Well, not actually, but –
- Of course, I don't know much about
these old-fashioned razors.

Naturally. Not at your age.

Isn't there something about
taking a hair from your head?

Yes, that's right.

Oh, that's splendid.

No, no, no, no.
Hold the – Hold the blade in your hand.

Along your hand.

That's right. Hold it firm.

That's fine. Now, run the –
run the hair along the razor's edge.

- It cut it.
- By Jove, I am surprised.

That must be sharp enough for almost anything.

Now put it away in the case,
and, uh, not a word to the barber.

I don't want him to cut my throat
next time I go down there.

Thank you very much.

I must be off.
I don't want to keep Hugo waiting.

Maybe I'd just better
tell Daphne you're here.

Sometimes these girls
keep you waiting all night.

Darling, Tony's waiting.

♪♪

Good night, darling.

Well, now she's playing music.
She won't be long.

She's put on a wonderful gown
for you, Tony.

- Purple... with plumes at the hips.
- I am lucky.

Yes, I think you'll be quite bowled over
when first you see her in it.

But don't be impatient.
It's really quite worth waiting for.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Thank you so much again.

♪♪

Good night.

♪♪

Thank you.

- Good evening.
- Good evening, Sir Alfred.

Have you seen anything of
my manager, Mr. Hugo Standoff?

- Well, no, I ain't, boss, but, uh –
- I'll ask the operator. Maybe he's called. Thank you.

Good evening.

- Oh, good evening, Sir Alfred.
- Been any calls for me?

I've been expecting my manager,
Mr. Hugo Standoff.

No, Sir Alfred. I haven't had any.

- Maizie, have you had any calls?
- No, I haven't, Sir Alfred.

He should be here by now.

There's been plenty of time.

Help! Stop!

- Number, please.
- Daphne!

Oh! Oh!

Stop! Tony! Oh!

Daphne! Daphne!

- What is it?
- Wait a minute. It's your apartment, Sir Alfred.

It's Lady Daphne.
She's calling for help.

She said, “Tony, stop! Tony!”

- Do something! Do something!
- Stop, Tony! Stop!

- What's the matter?
- Call the police. Quick, follow me upstairs.

No, Tony! Police! Murder!

Daphne! Daphne!

Get the police, quick!
I want a policeman.

There's been a murder!

Oh, Tony.
Tony, what have you done?

I tell you. I had nothing to do with it.
You know that, Sir Alfred.

♪♪ Somebody turn off that lousy music.

- Yes.
- But, Sir Alfred, you know I speak the truth.

♪♪ I was just where you left me waiting for her
when I heard the screaming.

- Then I ran in here.
- Oh, Tony, Tony.

What's that on the floor?

Oh, it's the razor.

Don't touch that. Might have fingerprints on it.

Oh, Tony, Tony. What have you done?

The sentence of the court is
that you are to be taken from this place...

to a lawful prison
and thence to a place of execution.

No, I didn't do it!
I didn't do it! No!

I didn't do it!

♪♪

♪♪

Bravo!

Bravo!

Bravo!

Hooray!

- Bravo!
- Bravo!

Bravo!

- Never.
- What?

Never since the “inwention” of that
most beautiful of all musical instruments –

- Come on, Jules.
- the symphony orchestra –

has it been played like you just done.

- Don't flatter me.
- Flatter you?

Compared to the truth,
I am insulting you.

What did you have in your head?
What visions of eternity?

Armageddon, the final battle of
the planets and the end of creation...

to bring music like that
from that bunch of cat scratchers?

You'd be enormously surprised
if you knew, Hugo.

Hooray! Hooray!

Oh!

Oh!

I'll get them.

♪♪

♪♪

- Poor baby.
- Why?

'Cause you know that I know.

You can feel it. It's made you all small
and ashamed and unhappy.

As if we could control our love –
lead it by the hand like an obedient child...

and order it to do our bidding.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Yes, you know what I'm talking about.

'Cause love took you
by the hand and led you...

albeit shyly and reluctantly, into the presence
of this beautiful young man and said...

“See, little Daphne,
what I had intended for you.

“Gaze upon your destiny.

“See how gently the tendrils
of his lustrous hair curl behind his ears.

“See how respectfully he lowers
his silken lashes when addressing you.

But notice the spark that leaps from his skin
to yours when accidentally your hands meet.”

Oh, no. No.

I don't blame you, darling.

You didn't want to.

I'm the one to blame.

Entirely and alone.

I'm deeply ashamed, Daphne,
for what I've done to you.

You? Ashamed?

- I'm the one.
- No, darling.

The one who knows the most
carries the responsibility.

He, and he alone, must judge
the chances of success...

or failure.

A union between a man of the world –
a seasoned traveler –

and a child from Porthole, Michigan...

I suppose was doomed from the start.

Porthaul.

I'll never remember it.

A baby with bows in her hair.

That wonderful night.

Pity we couldn't keep it up.

Oh, don't cry, my darling.

I couldn't understand music
as well as I do...

if I didn't understand
the human heart a little.

Neither of you has done anything wrong.

Youth belongs to youth.

And beauty... to beauty.

I want you to be rich,
comfortable and free.

I don't want you
to have to worry about...

rent or clothing or food.

Any of the unromantic things
which should always be provided for you.

♪♪

That little head was never made to worry.

Nor these little hands to work.

Only to love.

To love so dearly.

♪♪

♪♪

Hooray!

Magnificent.

Bravo!

Bravo!

Bravo! Bravo!

Oh, darling.

Darling, I simply couldn't
wait until the end.

I had to tell you now how wonderful it is.
It's just wonderful.

- Absolutely wonderful.
- I'm relieved to hear it.

Personally, I thought every emotion
was enormously exaggerated.

- Darling, it was just wonderful.
- Yes, you've already said that – both of you.

- If you'll forgive me, I've got a dry shirt waiting.
- Can I help you, darling?

I've got Jules for that, thank you.

Why – Why, you –

Oh, come on.

- You look exceptionally pretty tonight.
- What did you say?

- I said you look exceptionally pretty tonight.
- I can't imagine why I should.

- Maybe it's the music.
- With me music goes in one ear and out the other.

- Oh, there you are.
- How is he?

I don't know what's
the matter with him tonight.

Too much temperament.
Give me the simple viewpoint.

- You've got it, boy. You don't have to yearn for it.
- Barbara.

♪♪

♪♪

Well, what is it, Alfred?

First of all, I want to
apologize to you both...

for being so abrupt with you
backstage at the concert...

but somehow when you happen to be
perfectly aware of the fact...

- that your wife is your secretary's mistress –
- Alfred.

- Sir Alfred!
- Didn't you know that I knew?

Don't try and hide behind Daphne, Tony.
You'll never hide from me.

I – I – I don't know
what you're talking about.

You know precisely
what I'm talking about, both of you.

You've been dreading this moment,
hoping against hope it would never happen...

but knowing in your secret hearts
that it would.

And now the moment's arrived
you're wondering what I'm going to do, aren't you?

Knowing that I hold all the cards and that
the unwritten law will protect me to the end.

I thought of killing you, my dear.

I cut your throat with my razor.
Your head nearly came off.

- Oh!
- But it was your fingerprints
they found on the razor, Tony...

and you they burned,
screaming your innocence.

- Alfred.
- It's a relief to hear that in the past tense, isn't it?

Then, such is human idiocy,
I forgave you.

Wrote you an enormous check.

Grew maudlin over the necessity
of youth for youth.

Where and why is this necessity?
By what logic does it flourish?

What's so precious about the young female?

No, no, Daphne.

You shall have no money, and fate
will decide which man you are to have...

and how much of a man he is.

- Here we have all the necessary apparatus
for a genuinely amusing game, Tony.

Invented by some czarist officers
who cared little for their lives...

but much for bravery
and the conquest of emotion.

The idea is for each of us
to pull the trigger once...

aiming it at our own temples
with a perfectly steady hand.

Of the six bullets, I remove five.

One only I put back in the cylinder...

which I spin like this...

for the lucky winner.

The odds then are 1-to-5 for,
5-to-1 against.

Better than I've had in many a casino.

So, you see, Tony, it's not really
a very dangerous game at all...

and will vouchsafe you a magnificent opportunity
to show Daphne how brave you are...

how icy cool in the face of
this, uh, small adventure.

- No.
- I'll spin it once more now, just in case you peeked.

And then, as the seducer of my wife
and the destroyer of my home...

you shall have the honor
of playing the first hand...

of this enthralling little game
called Russian roulette.

- Oh, no.
- No!

- Exciting, isn't it?
- Alfred, stop it. Stop it.

What a fuss we're making.
Here, Tony.

No, no. Not at me.
At your temple.

That's right.
Now, cool and collected...

with nerves of steel,
with steady hand and cheerful eye...

Mr. Anthony Windborn,
the celebrated wife-stealer, will demonstrate –

- Sir Alfred, please, no. Sir Alfred, please!
- Alfred, I beseech you.

Can it be that I detect a thread of saffron
in this otherwise perfect fabric?

Come, come, Tony.
You, the fearless cavalier? You hesitate?

Then watch me closely
while I show you how it's done.

I spin the wheel of fortune once more.

You see?
Then, with a rigidly steady hand...

and without any quaverings
or sniveling yammerings –

I would ask you to notice, Daphne –
I place the muzzle here.

And with a simple “Godspeed”
in case I should be unfortunate...

I pull the trigger –

♪♪

♪♪

Bravo! Bravo!

Bravo!

Anybody there?

♪♪

♪♪

Number, please.

Number, please.

Number, please.

Hello. Who is this?

Some jerk on the line.
Hello. Are you trying to get a number?

Number, pl –

Are you trying to get a number?

- Did you want a number?
- I don't want a number.

What makes you think
I want a number?

Number, please.

I do not want a number!

Ah.

Hello. Hello?

Hello, who is this?

Sounds like a talking dog.

- Oh.
- What's the matter?

- Well, it sounded like an explosion.
- Hello. Hello, Alfie. Where are you?

Where do you think I am?
Since I'm here answering the phone.

- What happened to you?
- Is he all right?

Yes, I merely felt a slight –

Hello, Alfred. We'll be right up.

I don't want you up here. Perhaps you'll be
kind enough to send my wife home...

if she's nothing better to do.

He don't want nobody but you.

- Then take me home quickly, Tony.
- Certainly.

We'll take a cab.

Is there any insanity in his family?

I don't know,
but there's plenty in mine.

Help. Help. Oh!

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Help. Help. Oh! Oh!

Aaah –

Help. Help. Help!

Murder! Police!

Spare me! Spare me!

Tony, what did I ever do to you?

Tony. Tony!

Help. Help.

Police! Murder!

Help. Help.

Help. Help.

Help! Murder!

Police!

Spare me!

Spare me!

Tony, what did I ever do to you?

Tony. Tony!

Help! Help!

- Police!
- Alfred?

Alfred, darling.
Darling, are you all right?

- Alfred, are you all right?
- Why shouldn't I be all right?

What are you doing down here on the floor
in the middle of all this disaster?

I was making an experiment.
People do, you know.

Without them, there'd be
very little progress in this world.

I think I'm well within my own rights.
I'm doing what I like in my own house.

They say in England
that an Englishman's home is his castle.

Of course you're within
your rights, darling, but –

Well, you've made kind of
a mess out of your castle.

Oh, bless you, darling.

What are you laughing about?
Did I invite you here?

Have you got to be in my house
morning, noon and night?

Please go back to 3406
and wait till I send for you.

- Certainly, Sir Alfred. I was only –
- Spare me your explanations until I ask for them.

- What's he done?
You're acting like a bear with a sore paw.
- That's right. Side with him.

- Well, why shouldn't I side with him?
- I'll be in 3406.

- Hmm. Craven.
- Darling, let me feel your head.

I don't wish to have
my head felt, thank you.

- Apart from marrying you, my head's been
perfectly all right for quite a long time.

Alfred! Oh. Oh.

Alfred. Heavens.

Bless you.

Alfred, what in heaven's name
is the matter with you?

I mean, even if you are a musician
and an Englishman...

don't you think that you're carrying things
just a little bit too far?

I mean, you walk out with 2,000 people
standing up and yelling for you...

and you've completely
wrecked the apartment and...

now you've probably broken
your glasses.

You have.

By the way, I will not be able to
take you dancing tonight.

Why? Who are you taking?

I mean you'll have to be taken
by somebody else. I have other plans.

- Taken where?
- Dancing.

Who told you I wanted
to go danc – uh, dancing?

You're coming down with a heavy cold,
and I feel about as much like going dancing as –

Really. Wouldn't you like to
go dancing with Tony?

With Tony?

Have you ever seen Tony dance?

I saw him once with Barbara,
and he gets up on his toes like a rooster...

and he pushes you over sideways...

and then he shoves your head back
till you think it's gonna drop off.

Why, compared to him,
you look like Arthur Murray.

- I don't need any compliments, thank you.
- You are not getting any.

Besides, the way
you've been acting tonight...

I feel about as much like going dancing
as I feel like cutting my throat.

All I feel like doing is crying.

How did you happen to use that simile?

What's a simile?

A simile is a –

A simile is a –

Oh, bless you. What you need to do is
get out of that wet shirt and into a nice hot bath.

Why are you always trying to put me in
a nice hot bath? I begin to find it sinister.

Well, would you like
a nice hot toddy then?

I don't want anything nice and hot.
I'm sweating like a bull now.

- You mean perspiring, darling.
- I do not mean perspiring.

If I say I'm sweating, I'm sweating.

Now kindly go into your own room.
I would like to disrobe.

- Are you talking to me?
- Unless you have somebody
concealed under the rug, I imagine I am.

Well, go ahead and disrobe.
Since when did –

Oh, really, Alfred!
You're getting nuttier than a fruitcake!

Hah!

Darling.

- Darling.
- Oh!

Oh, Alfred.
Did you hurt yourself? Oh.

Nothing of the slightest importance,
thank you.

Oh, yes, you did too.
You cut your thumb.

- Oh. I'll bandage it for you.
- I'll bandage it myself.

- What'd you say, dear?
- I said I can manage quite nicely, thank you.

Oh, heavens, Alfred.
Darling, those things are so sharp.

Here, darling. I'll do it for you.

Darling, you ought to be
more careful.

I'm being quite careful, thank you.

People get blood poisoning.
All kinds of –

- Gently now.
- All right.

Oh!

- Oh!
- Well, hold it still, darling.

There. Does it hurt very much?

- No.
- Oh, I'm so glad.

Well, what are you shaving
at this time of the night for anyway?

You'd be enormously surprised –

Bless you.

Well, if you won't take a bath,
at least don't take your death of cold.

You do like to do little things
for me, don't you?

Not when you're like this I don't.

I'll forgive you anyway.

Forgive me for what?

You know perfectly well what I'm forgiving you for,
so kindly hold your tongue!

- What?
- Lest I change my mind.

Well, go ahead and change your mind.

I'll change my mind
if I wish to change my mind.

If I don't wish to change my mind,
I shan't change my mind. Is that clear?

Alfred. What do you want to start
paying bills for at this hour?

Bills? Hah!

- Can I help you, darling?
- I can manage quite nicely, thank you.

If it were possible for once
to have a little ink...

in the fountain pens in this house
like they do in well run houses –

- I know. Like in England.
- Precisely. Like in England.

Try the other one.
We drive on the right-hand side over here.

That's a bright remark.

Oh. Oh, Alfred.

Oh, I'll try to find something.

Very well. I will not forgive you.

Suit yourself.

- What's the matter with you?
- You're not laughing quite so hard now.

- What are you going to do with that?
- Have you ever heard of Russian roulette?

Why, certainly.
I used to play it all the time with my father.

I doubt that you played Russian roulette
all the time with your father.

I most certainly did.
You play it with two packs of cards, and –

That is Russian bank.
Russian roulette's a very different amusement...

which I can only wish your father
had played continuously before he had you.

- Where are the –
- Oh, Alfred, what is the matter with you?

You're acting like a crocodile
with a toothache.

- Where are the bullets for my revolver?
- I don't know.

You never seem
to be able to find anything.

Why don't you call Tony and ask him?
He's supposed to look after your things.

And how he does. What devotion.

And how you've thanked him for it tonight.
Honestly, Alfred, of all the boors –

- Just give me one reason why
I should thank him, and I'll call him at once.
- Well, I wish you would.

- What's his room number?
- 3406.

- How'd you know that?
- Why shouldn't I know it?

He's your secretary, isn't he?
I must have called him 9,000 times.

- But you've never been there?
- Yes, I have.

- When, may I ask?
- I don't think I want to tell you that.

- I shouldn't think you would.
- Because it's really my problem. I –

- Well, unless you want to help me with it.
- I shall be charmed!

You don't look very charmed.

- It happened while you were in England.
- Naturally.

He called me up one night, about 1:30,
to find out if Barbara was here...

because she'd told him that she was –
but she wasn't.

- How was that his business?
- He's married to her, isn't he?

- Who is married to who?
- August.

- Don't try and change the subject. We're not –
- I'm not trying to change the subject.

I'm trying to tell you August called me here
to find out if Barbara was with me...

because she told him she was –
only she wasn't.

- Who cares where Barbara is?
- August, I suppose.

- Oh, very well. Where was she?
- Well, I had this –

this awful suspicion
that I didn't want to have.

After all, she is my kid sister, and I always hoped
that when she said those things about August...

- that she was just trying to be funny.
- It wouldn't be very difficult.

Anyway, I didn't dare tell August
that she wasn't here...

and I didn't dare call her
where I thought she was...

because the kind of a man
who checks up on his wife...

is the kind of a man who hires detectives
to help him and has telephones tapped.

You're describing August
down to the last moth in his wallet.

Anyway, I told him that she had been here
with me and had just left.

Then I threw on a negligee
and hurried down there, just in case.

- Hurried down where?
- To 3406.

3406.

3406! Of course!

Well, of course,
since that's Tony's room.

The door was open a little, so I marched right in
ready to give her a piece of my mind...

but there wasn't anybody there,
which certainly made me feel a lot better...

and I started to leave a lot happier
than I had felt when I arrived.

Then I suddenly realized how terrible it would look
if anybody saw me coming out of that room.

Because Tony's about my age and –

To anybody who didn't understand how
you and I feel about each other, it would look –

- Well, you know how dumb some people are.
- Do I.

Just before I opened the door
I peeked through the keyhole...

and right there, near the freight elevator, I saw
this great big old jerk squinting around the corner.

- A large lumpy man with a face like an orangutan?
- Right. Like a gorilla.

- Sweeney, the detective! August's detective!
- That's what I was afraid of.

Anyway, he stood there, and so I waited...

and he waited and we waited –

For 38 minutes!
He kept you there himself!

Well, it felt more like 38 years.

Why, I actually began to feel guilty. I'd never been
in a man's room before – except yours.

You wonderful, wonderful,
wonderful child.

- Why? What's so wonderful about that?
- Telling me this tonight, of all nights.

Telling you what, my darling?
I have no secrets from you.

Will you do me a very great favor?

I'll do anything you like
as long as you ask me that way.

Will you put on your lowest cut,
most vulgarly ostentatious dress...

with the largest and vulgarest jewels
that you possess?

- I thought you weren't feeling –
- Then accompany me...

to the vulgarest,
most ostentatious, loudest...

and hardest-to-get-into
establishment this city affords?

- But your cold, darling –
- There's nothing the matter with me that
a couple of magnums of champagne won't cure.

I happen to want to celebrate.
I want to be seen in your exquisite company.

I want the whole world to know
that I'm the most fortunate of men...

in the possession of
the most magnificent of wives.

I want to swim in champagne and paint the whole
town not only red, but red, white and blue.

I want everybody to see
how much I adore you...

always have adored you,
revere you and – and trust you.

Also how much I hope
you have of warmth for me.

But, my darling, I worship you.

Then put on your most outrageous dress.

Shall I wear the purple
with the plumes at the hips?

- The purple with the plumes at the hips?
- Yes. You know.

It's cut down on one shoulder, and the coq feathers
shoot off one hip like a tail of a comet.

I know it only too well.

Wear the purple with the plumes
at the hips, by all means.

- And let it be a purple lesson to me.
- All right, my darling.

- Shh!
- What was the matter with you tonight, Alfred?

Something so vulgar, so utterly contemptible
and unworthy of a love like yours...

I beg of you never to make me tell you.

But of course I won't, my darling.

I know what it's like to be a great man.

That is, I don't really, but...

having so many responsibilities and...

so much tenseness...

watching out for
and protecting so many people.

Shh!

A thousand poets dreamed
a thousand years.

Then you were born, my love.

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