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♪ ♪
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00:00:17,225 --> 00:00:20,812
♪ Bitch, jump in that,
ha, ha, jump in that fire ♪
3
00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:23,523
♪ Jump in that bitch,
hitting that fire ♪
4
00:00:23,565 --> 00:00:24,983
♪ Jump in that whip ♪
5
00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:26,192
♪ Thumb in that bitch ♪
6
00:00:26,234 --> 00:00:27,694
♪ Come in that bitch, ho ♪
7
00:00:27,736 --> 00:00:30,530
♪ Drumming that, ha, ha,
drumming that bitch ♪
8
00:00:30,572 --> 00:00:31,906
♪ Chopper doing circles ♪
9
00:00:31,948 --> 00:00:34,367
♪ It's a bird, bird ♪
10
00:00:34,409 --> 00:00:36,244
♪ Take him to the party ♪
11
00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:38,455
♪ He's a nerd, pop out ♪
12
00:00:38,496 --> 00:00:40,081
♪ I ain't seen niggas
hit corners ♪
13
00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:41,708
♪ In the motherfucking burbs ♪
14
00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:43,084
♪ Pop out ♪
15
00:00:43,126 --> 00:00:44,395
♪ Done politicking
with the competition ♪
16
00:00:44,419 --> 00:00:46,046
♪ What's the word, yeah ♪
17
00:00:46,087 --> 00:00:47,815
♪ Put that on my mama, nigga,
eight in the process ♪
18
00:00:47,839 --> 00:00:50,050
♪ Nigga tryin' to tippy-toe
through the progress ♪
19
00:00:50,091 --> 00:00:52,218
♪ Tongue-tied when the truth
is an object ♪
20
00:00:52,260 --> 00:00:55,388
♪ What's the pros and the cons
of this next check ♪
21
00:00:55,430 --> 00:00:57,557
♪ Wasn't nobody round,
I was independent ♪
22
00:00:57,599 --> 00:00:59,410
♪ In the '90s, sitting bum
with the windows tinted ♪
23
00:00:59,434 --> 00:01:02,103
♪ Jump in that, ha, ha,
jump in that fire ♪
24
00:01:02,145 --> 00:01:04,939
♪ Jump in that bitch,
hitting that fire ♪
25
00:01:04,981 --> 00:01:06,566
♪ Jump in that whip ♪
26
00:01:06,608 --> 00:01:07,525
♪ Thumb in that bitch ♪
27
00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:08,985
♪ Come in that bitch, ho ♪
28
00:01:09,027 --> 00:01:11,529
♪ Drumming that, ha, ha,
drumming that bitch ♪
29
00:01:11,571 --> 00:01:13,156
♪ Chopper doing circles ♪
30
00:01:13,198 --> 00:01:15,200
♪ It's a bird, bird ♪
31
00:01:18,703 --> 00:01:21,247
♪ Pop out, I ain't seen niggas
hit corners ♪
32
00:01:21,289 --> 00:01:22,957
♪ In the motherfucking burbs ♪
33
00:01:22,999 --> 00:01:24,459
♪ Pop out ♪
34
00:01:24,501 --> 00:01:25,603
♪ Done politicking
with the competition ♪
35
00:01:25,627 --> 00:01:27,253
♪ What's the word, yeah ♪
36
00:01:27,295 --> 00:01:29,547
♪ Put that on my mama, nigga,
eight in the process ♪
37
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Aw, damn.
38
00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:40,642
Thank you.
Thank you.
39
00:01:42,727 --> 00:01:45,397
Y'all see this fucking bat
in my hand.
40
00:01:47,148 --> 00:01:48,376
Bring your ass up to the stage,
41
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:49,693
I'ma knock
your fucking head off.
42
00:01:49,734 --> 00:01:51,444
I swear to God.
43
00:01:51,486 --> 00:01:53,446
OK?
We're sick of your shit.
44
00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:55,907
We're fighting back.
Don't you come up here.
45
00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:59,285
Knock your goddamn head
to the top of this arena.
46
00:01:59,327 --> 00:02:01,246
Don't you come up here.
47
00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:04,725
We're about to have a good time.
48
00:02:04,749 --> 00:02:06,960
I'm excited.
I'm fucking excited.
49
00:02:11,047 --> 00:02:13,800
All right, listen.
I'ma be up here for a while.
50
00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:16,302
I'ma talk about a lot
of shit while I'm up here.
51
00:02:16,344 --> 00:02:18,430
Some of the shit I say tonight
is gonna be mean.
52
00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:20,849
Let it happen.
Unclench your ass.
53
00:02:20,890 --> 00:02:23,476
Have a good time.
That's why you're here.
54
00:02:26,521 --> 00:02:28,940
I think I want to start off
by talking about people.
55
00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:30,316
That's where I want to start,
56
00:02:30,358 --> 00:02:32,610
'cause I feel like people
are going backwards.
57
00:02:32,652 --> 00:02:34,292
We're taking steps
in the wrong direction.
58
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,322
People don't want
to be themselves anymore.
59
00:02:36,364 --> 00:02:38,992
People are goddamn
losing fucking confidence.
60
00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:41,494
People are trying to change,
shape, and mold
61
00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:43,496
into shit
that doesn't even exist.
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00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:45,206
I'm talking
about plastic surgery.
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00:02:45,248 --> 00:02:48,001
Let's get into it.
I want to talk about it.
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00:02:48,043 --> 00:02:50,003
I want to talk about it.
65
00:02:50,045 --> 00:02:52,422
What the fuck is going on, man?
66
00:02:52,464 --> 00:02:56,885
What the fuck is going on?
67
00:02:56,926 --> 00:02:59,679
Plastic surgery
is at an all-time high.
68
00:02:59,721 --> 00:03:01,032
I don't even know if you know
this, but back in the day,
69
00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:02,432
plastic surgery was a secret.
70
00:03:02,474 --> 00:03:03,576
Like, nobody wanted anybody
to know that they
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00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:04,809
were getting work done.
72
00:03:04,851 --> 00:03:07,354
It was all nose jobs
and titty jobs.
73
00:03:07,395 --> 00:03:09,814
Nose, titties.
Nose, titties.
74
00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:12,442
Nose, titties.
That's all it was.
75
00:03:12,484 --> 00:03:14,569
Back in the day,
people got mad at they doctor.
76
00:03:14,611 --> 00:03:16,771
You better not say shit about
what happened here today.
77
00:03:17,989 --> 00:03:19,949
Only two people that we knew
that got work done
78
00:03:19,991 --> 00:03:21,117
back in the day
79
00:03:21,159 --> 00:03:22,827
was Dolly Parton
and Michael Jackson.
80
00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:24,079
That's a fucking fact.
81
00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:26,206
Those are the only two people.
82
00:03:26,247 --> 00:03:27,665
Mike showed up
with that new nose.
83
00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:29,334
We knew.
That's not your nose, Mike.
84
00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:31,920
Something happened.
85
00:03:31,961 --> 00:03:33,797
That's not the same nose.
86
00:03:35,256 --> 00:03:36,901
Today it's different.
Everybody's getting work done.
87
00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:38,385
Men, women.
88
00:03:38,426 --> 00:03:39,779
Women have taken it
to a new level, though.
89
00:03:39,803 --> 00:03:42,722
The new shit that the women
are doing is the BBL.
90
00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:44,224
The BBL.
91
00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:46,434
What the fuck?
92
00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:48,645
Jesus Christ.
93
00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:50,730
These bitches look like ants.
94
00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:53,024
That's right.
I said it.
95
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:56,236
They look like ants.
96
00:03:56,277 --> 00:03:57,862
Somebody's gotta say it.
97
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:02,409
Somebody's gotta say it.
98
00:04:02,450 --> 00:04:03,761
And if you don't believe me,
I challenge you
99
00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:05,453
to go look
at a picture of an ant
100
00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:06,955
and tell me I'm fucking lying.
101
00:04:08,581 --> 00:04:10,792
Big-ass head, little neck.
102
00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:13,420
Hard chest,
skinny waist, fat ass.
103
00:04:13,461 --> 00:04:15,964
You ever see an ant ass?
104
00:04:16,006 --> 00:04:19,592
Ants got ass.
You ever see an ant ass?
105
00:04:19,634 --> 00:04:21,177
If I was an insect,
I'd fuck an ant.
106
00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:22,929
Swear to God, I'd do it.
107
00:04:24,597 --> 00:04:26,141
Everybody wants change.
108
00:04:26,182 --> 00:04:28,768
Everybody's looking for change.
109
00:04:28,810 --> 00:04:31,062
A friend of mine's got
a huge forehead, right?
110
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:33,249
One of the worst foreheads I've
ever seen in my fucking life.
111
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Huge.
112
00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:36,043
He told me the other day,
he said, "Kev,
113
00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:38,528
I'm thinking about
getting my forehead reduced."
114
00:04:38,570 --> 00:04:39,946
This is what he said to me.
115
00:04:39,988 --> 00:04:41,549
I couldn't believe
what the fuck I heard.
116
00:04:41,573 --> 00:04:43,050
I said, "What the fuck
you just say to me?"
117
00:04:43,074 --> 00:04:45,702
He said, "I'm thinking about
getting my forehand reduced.
118
00:04:45,744 --> 00:04:47,763
"I already talked to my doctor.
He said he can do it.
119
00:04:47,787 --> 00:04:50,749
"The average forehead
is 4 fingers wide.
120
00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:54,711
"He said I got an 8-to
12-finger situation going on.
121
00:04:54,753 --> 00:04:57,547
But he can flip it down.
He said he can flip it down."
122
00:04:57,589 --> 00:05:00,467
Flip it down?
123
00:05:00,508 --> 00:05:01,634
Nigga, that's not a hat.
124
00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:03,511
What are you talking about?
125
00:05:03,553 --> 00:05:06,139
It's your fucking
forehead, bitch.
126
00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:07,390
What about your brain?
127
00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:09,559
He said,
"Oh, he can push that back.
128
00:05:09,601 --> 00:05:11,478
"He gonna push that back.
129
00:05:11,519 --> 00:05:13,563
Raise my eyes up
so I can see better."
130
00:05:13,605 --> 00:05:15,357
I bet you fucking will.
131
00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:19,486
Everybody wants change.
132
00:05:19,527 --> 00:05:22,280
LeBron James,
real good friend of mine.
133
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,615
Well, he was.
134
00:05:23,656 --> 00:05:25,116
He hasn't heard this joke yet.
135
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:26,451
We'll see what happens.
136
00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:30,121
We'll see what happens.
137
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:32,082
I remember in the beginning
of LeBron career,
138
00:05:32,123 --> 00:05:33,416
he was going bald.
139
00:05:33,458 --> 00:05:35,293
His hair was real thin up top.
140
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:39,422
You could count the hairs
on top of his fucking head.
141
00:05:39,464 --> 00:05:40,674
You know how I know that?
142
00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:42,717
Because I was the one
counting the hairs
143
00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:45,428
on top of his fucking head.
144
00:05:45,470 --> 00:05:47,097
One.
145
00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:01,736
Two-ish-ish.
146
00:06:03,780 --> 00:06:05,407
I didn't see Bron
for, like, three weeks.
147
00:06:05,448 --> 00:06:07,450
I didn't see him,
and I didn't talk to him.
148
00:06:07,492 --> 00:06:09,411
Bron showed up
at a wedding I was at.
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00:06:09,452 --> 00:06:11,621
He had a head full of hair.
150
00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:13,623
Walked in that bitch
with all this confidence
151
00:06:13,665 --> 00:06:15,059
like I didn't see him
three weeks ago
152
00:06:15,083 --> 00:06:17,419
with the fucking truth
on his goddamn head.
153
00:06:18,461 --> 00:06:20,356
He walked in, he was like,
"What up? What up? What up?
154
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,173
"What up? What up?
What up? What up?
155
00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:24,175
What up? What's going on?"
156
00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:28,096
I said, "What the fuck
is going on with you?
157
00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:30,515
The fuck is that
on your goddamn head?"
158
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:32,159
People start kicking me.
"Chill, Kev. Chill."
159
00:06:32,183 --> 00:06:34,477
I said, "Get your
fucking feet off of me.
160
00:06:34,519 --> 00:06:35,937
"Ain't no chill.
161
00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:38,189
I want to know what the fuck
that is on Bron head."
162
00:06:38,982 --> 00:06:41,317
I'll tell you what it's not.
I knew what it wasn't.
163
00:06:41,359 --> 00:06:42,986
I knew it wasn't
a goddamn toupee.
164
00:06:43,028 --> 00:06:44,154
I knew that much.
165
00:06:44,195 --> 00:06:46,031
You know how I knew
it wasn't a toupee?
166
00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:48,450
Because they don't
make nigga toupees.
167
00:06:48,491 --> 00:06:50,076
They never have.
168
00:06:50,994 --> 00:06:53,455
They never have.
169
00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:55,707
The fuck is that
on your head, LeBron?
170
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:58,126
Is it alive?
Is it alive?
171
00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:02,130
Snatch it off right now.
172
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,550
I wanted to.
173
00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:07,594
He's tall. I can't get...
No way I'm getting that,
174
00:07:07,635 --> 00:07:09,596
but you get what I'm saying.
175
00:07:11,014 --> 00:07:13,641
Everybody's looking for change.
176
00:07:13,683 --> 00:07:14,851
I got an email from a guy
177
00:07:14,893 --> 00:07:16,227
I went to high school with,
right?
178
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:17,538
Email said, "Kev, it's time
for you to get yours."
179
00:07:17,562 --> 00:07:18,772
I open up the email.
180
00:07:18,813 --> 00:07:20,565
It's two pictures in the email.
181
00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:23,443
One picture was a real little
man standing next to a doctor.
182
00:07:23,485 --> 00:07:24,903
He was angry.
183
00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:28,323
Next picture,
that same little man
184
00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:29,574
was taller than the doctor.
185
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:32,869
He was giving a thumbs-up.
186
00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:34,305
Bottom of the email said,
"Kev, it's time for you
187
00:07:34,329 --> 00:07:36,247
to get yours."
188
00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:38,958
I'm confused.
What the fuck is going on?
189
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:40,227
I call him.
"Yo, I got your email.
190
00:07:40,251 --> 00:07:41,395
"What the fuck
are you talking about?
191
00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:42,671
What are you trying to say?"
192
00:07:42,712 --> 00:07:43,898
Said, "What do you mean,
what am I trying to say?"
193
00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:44,839
Said, "Exactly what I said.
What is this?
194
00:07:44,881 --> 00:07:45,983
What are you trying to say?"
195
00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:47,068
He said,
"They're giving out height.
196
00:07:47,092 --> 00:07:48,843
Go get you some."
197
00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:51,322
"The fuck you mean,
they giving out height?"
198
00:07:51,346 --> 00:07:53,306
"Exactly what I said.
They're giving out height.
199
00:07:53,348 --> 00:07:55,642
"They're taking the fat
out of people backs,
200
00:07:55,684 --> 00:07:58,186
putting it in their knees."
201
00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:06,820
"They taking the fat
out of people backs,
202
00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:08,905
putting it in their knees."
203
00:08:08,947 --> 00:08:10,657
He said, "Go get rid
of your back fat.
204
00:08:10,699 --> 00:08:13,451
Get yourself some inches."
205
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:16,329
I said,
"I will do no such thing."
206
00:08:16,371 --> 00:08:18,665
Get rid of my goddamn back fat.
207
00:08:18,707 --> 00:08:20,959
43 years old.
208
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:23,169
I've been 5'5" my whole life...
209
00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:27,007
5'4 "... 5'2 1/2"
my whole fucking life.
210
00:08:29,592 --> 00:08:32,178
Don't have to do no shit
like that.
211
00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:34,889
You gotta remember, I ain't
been on tour, like, four years.
212
00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:37,809
I can't just walk out
this bitch 6'6"
213
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,311
and not say shit about it.
214
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:42,439
I just walk out.
What up? What up? What up?
215
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:43,624
What up? What up?
What up? What up?
216
00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:45,358
What up?
What up?
217
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,610
What's going on?
218
00:08:47,652 --> 00:08:50,447
What the fuck
is going on with you?
219
00:08:50,488 --> 00:08:51,698
Look at his goddamn knees.
220
00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:54,117
What he do to his knees?
221
00:08:54,159 --> 00:08:55,827
Why he got all them holes
in his back?
222
00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:57,912
What the fuck he do to his back?
223
00:09:00,915 --> 00:09:02,208
You know what I want?
224
00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:04,502
I want people to start
thinking shit through.
225
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:07,213
I want to get back to the times
when people had patience.
226
00:09:07,255 --> 00:09:09,674
You gotta slow down,
start thinking shit through.
227
00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:11,176
Stop acting on impulse.
228
00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:12,802
Let's say
I go get the procedure.
229
00:09:12,844 --> 00:09:16,014
I come out of it with these new
knees and these long-ass legs.
230
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,265
I'm 6'6".
231
00:09:17,307 --> 00:09:20,727
Look at my fucking knees
and these long-ass legs.
232
00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:22,103
But I still got the same arms.
233
00:09:22,145 --> 00:09:26,066
I didn't do shit
to my fucking arms.
234
00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:28,902
I didn't judge it right.
235
00:09:28,943 --> 00:09:30,296
Now I can't put
my hands in my pocket
236
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,155
'cause I done fucked up.
237
00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:35,408
I'm out this bitch
looking like a T. rex,
238
00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:37,660
touching my chest all the time.
239
00:09:39,537 --> 00:09:40,765
Why Kev always
rubbing his chest?
240
00:09:40,789 --> 00:09:42,248
Bitch, 'cause I misjudged it.
241
00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:44,334
I can't get my hands
in my pockets.
242
00:09:45,877 --> 00:09:47,212
You gotta think shit through.
243
00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:48,880
Let's say
I go get the procedure.
244
00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:51,800
I got these goddamn new knees,
long-ass legs.
245
00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:53,778
My fucking frame, look at
my chest and my shoulders.
246
00:09:53,802 --> 00:09:57,347
I'm 6'6", but I still
wear a size 7 sneaker.
247
00:09:57,389 --> 00:09:59,933
I didn't do shit to my feet.
248
00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:01,768
Now I can't support
the new body.
249
00:10:01,810 --> 00:10:04,020
My balance is off.
250
00:10:04,062 --> 00:10:06,523
I look like that thing
that be at the car dealerships,
251
00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:09,484
that man... that air man.
252
00:10:09,526 --> 00:10:11,820
Look at me.
253
00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:14,948
You gotta think shit through.
254
00:10:14,989 --> 00:10:17,075
Stop acting on impulse.
255
00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:20,912
We're in a crazy time right now.
256
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:23,581
We're in a real crazy time.
By the way, rightfully so.
257
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:24,833
We've been through a lot.
258
00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:26,292
Pandemic hit us hard.
259
00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:28,086
Pandemic sat us all down
with nothing to do,
260
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,921
gave us nothing
but time to think.
261
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:31,131
That's when people get weird,
262
00:10:31,172 --> 00:10:33,133
when they fucking think
all goddamn day.
263
00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:35,593
Just thinking about shit
with nothing to do.
264
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:38,304
That's why a lot of weird shit
happened after the pandemic.
265
00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:39,764
I'ma tell you
the weirdest invention
266
00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:41,450
in my opinion that came
out of the pandemic,
267
00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:42,600
this Metaverse shit.
268
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:43,995
I don't even know
if you know what it is.
269
00:10:44,019 --> 00:10:45,413
For those who do not know
what the Metaverse is,
270
00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:47,147
I'll do my best
to explain it to you.
271
00:10:47,188 --> 00:10:49,983
The Metaverse was created
for people that don't want
272
00:10:50,025 --> 00:10:52,360
to be here in the real world.
273
00:10:52,402 --> 00:10:54,237
So they can go there
and do shit there
274
00:10:54,279 --> 00:10:55,905
with the people
that don't like them here
275
00:10:55,947 --> 00:10:57,883
but they don't know that
they are who they are there.
276
00:10:57,907 --> 00:10:59,659
That's what the fuck it is,
right?
277
00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:01,036
It's some weird shit.
278
00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:03,413
It's a lot of weird shit
happening in the Metaverse.
279
00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:05,057
There was a story about a woman
who says she got
280
00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:07,500
sexually assaulted
in the Metaverse.
281
00:11:07,542 --> 00:11:09,020
This is real shit.
You can Google this.
282
00:11:09,044 --> 00:11:11,212
This is Googleable information.
283
00:11:11,254 --> 00:11:12,756
Says she got sexually assaulted.
284
00:11:12,797 --> 00:11:13,965
They gave it time and energy.
285
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:15,133
They interviewed her.
286
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:17,010
"Are you OK?
How do you feel?"
287
00:11:17,052 --> 00:11:19,346
That's what they said.
"How do you feel?"
288
00:11:19,387 --> 00:11:21,097
Nobody said,
289
00:11:21,139 --> 00:11:24,768
"Bitch, why didn't you
close the laptop, huh?
290
00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:26,186
"Huh?
291
00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:28,063
"Why didn't you take
the headset off?
292
00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:30,482
You just sitting there
letting it happen."
293
00:11:37,447 --> 00:11:39,949
"Make it stop."
294
00:11:39,991 --> 00:11:42,827
Bitch, take the goddamn
headset off.
295
00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:47,874
Close the laptop,
with your stupid ass.
296
00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:49,918
Sitting there taking
a virtual assaulting,
297
00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:51,920
with your stupid as.
298
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,381
You know what I want to do?
299
00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:55,900
I want to get back
to the times when you can
300
00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:57,425
tell people, shut the fuck up.
301
00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:58,718
Sit your dumb ass down.
302
00:11:58,760 --> 00:11:59,928
I want to go back there.
303
00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:02,806
Yeah. Yeah.
304
00:12:02,847 --> 00:12:04,557
I want to go back
to those times.
305
00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:05,600
Shut the fuck up.
306
00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:08,561
Sit your dumb ass down.
307
00:12:08,603 --> 00:12:11,272
We're giving too much
too much attention.
308
00:12:11,314 --> 00:12:13,983
We're entertaining
the crazy way too much.
309
00:12:14,025 --> 00:12:15,211
Let me tell you
something, people.
310
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,696
The crazy are only
going to get crazier.
311
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:18,905
That's not fiction.
312
00:12:18,947 --> 00:12:20,448
That's a fact.
It's a fact.
313
00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:22,951
You gotta stop
entertaining the shit.
314
00:12:22,992 --> 00:12:25,161
I don't entertain it
personally, right?
315
00:12:25,203 --> 00:12:26,454
I don't.
I really don't, man.
316
00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:27,956
Like, I'ma tell you what.
317
00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:30,458
I feel like I live in the crazy.
318
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:32,377
I'm in the fucking crazy.
319
00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:34,087
I do.
I really do feel like that.
320
00:12:34,129 --> 00:12:36,089
Like, there's times
where I actually,
321
00:12:36,131 --> 00:12:38,383
like, want to know if I'm crazy
322
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:42,137
or why I'm not as crazy
as I feel like I should be.
323
00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:43,280
'Cause I've been
through a lot of shit.
324
00:12:43,304 --> 00:12:46,141
On paper, I should
be fucking crazy.
325
00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:47,576
On paper, all the shit
I've been through?
326
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,519
I should be fucking crazy.
And who knows?
327
00:12:49,561 --> 00:12:50,687
Maybe it's coming.
328
00:12:50,729 --> 00:12:53,106
Maybe I got crazy waiting on me.
329
00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:54,274
'Cause you don't expect it.
330
00:12:54,315 --> 00:12:56,776
Nobody plans to be crazy.
It just happens.
331
00:12:56,818 --> 00:12:58,945
Crazy just sneaks up on you.
332
00:12:58,987 --> 00:13:00,697
Look at Will Smith.
He didn't plan that.
333
00:13:00,739 --> 00:13:02,323
That just happened.
334
00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:05,410
What?
He didn't plan that.
335
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:07,454
It just fucking happened.
336
00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:09,914
"Keep my wife's name
out your motherfucking mouth."
337
00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:11,958
Come on, man.
338
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,835
He didn't fucking plan that.
339
00:13:15,170 --> 00:13:20,633
"Keep my wife's name
out your motherfucking mouth."
340
00:13:20,675 --> 00:13:23,053
He jumped out his goddamn body.
341
00:13:25,597 --> 00:13:27,241
You have any idea how crazy
you gotta be to make
342
00:13:27,265 --> 00:13:28,850
Samuel L. Jackson jump back?
343
00:13:28,892 --> 00:13:31,019
Do you have any idea?
344
00:13:32,103 --> 00:13:33,313
"Keep my wife's name"...
345
00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:34,373
"Say,
what the fuck happening, Jack?
346
00:13:34,397 --> 00:13:36,524
Goddamn."
347
00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:39,986
I'm next.
348
00:13:40,028 --> 00:13:43,156
I know it.
I feel like I'm next.
349
00:13:43,198 --> 00:13:44,425
It's a lot of shit
going on, man.
350
00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:46,368
I'm fucking stressed
the fuck out.
351
00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:47,410
I'm about to pop.
352
00:13:47,452 --> 00:13:49,454
I'm telling y'all ahead of time.
353
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:50,997
Y'all gonna see me
at a gas station
354
00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:52,183
with my dick in the tank soon.
355
00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:53,458
Something stupid gonna happen.
356
00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:55,835
"Kev, what you doing?"
357
00:13:55,877 --> 00:13:56,878
"Getting gas.
358
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,672
Mind your fucking
business, bitch."
359
00:13:58,713 --> 00:14:03,051
"Keep my wife's name
out your motherfucking mouth."
360
00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:04,469
It's coming.
361
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,306
You know the crazy thing?
362
00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,183
I've realized
that I live in the crazy.
363
00:14:10,225 --> 00:14:11,643
Like, I live in Los Angeles.
364
00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:13,663
I feel like Los Angeles
is the craziest place ever.
365
00:14:13,687 --> 00:14:15,689
I call Los Angeles
the land of the lost,
366
00:14:15,730 --> 00:14:16,856
and here's the thing.
367
00:14:16,898 --> 00:14:18,209
It's not the people
from Los Angeles.
368
00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:19,567
They're fine.
It's not them.
369
00:14:19,609 --> 00:14:20,920
It's the people
that move out there,
370
00:14:20,944 --> 00:14:23,363
the people with dreams,
goals, ambitions.
371
00:14:23,405 --> 00:14:24,840
'Cause they want
all this shit to happen.
372
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:26,634
They move out there,
and then it doesn't happen,
373
00:14:26,658 --> 00:14:28,952
and they go, welp,
it's time to be nuts.
374
00:14:28,993 --> 00:14:31,079
They fucking lose it.
375
00:14:31,121 --> 00:14:34,040
They lose it.
376
00:14:34,082 --> 00:14:35,393
You gotta watch the news
in Los Angeles.
377
00:14:35,417 --> 00:14:37,085
I've never seen
anything like it.
378
00:14:37,127 --> 00:14:38,562
There was a story
on the news about a guy
379
00:14:38,586 --> 00:14:39,879
who was going to Denny's,
380
00:14:39,921 --> 00:14:43,133
putting his dick in people
breakfast at 7:00 a.m.
381
00:14:43,174 --> 00:14:45,844
7:00 a.m., slamming his dick
in people grits.
382
00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:51,742
They call him the dick slammer.
383
00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:54,436
This is true shit.
384
00:14:54,477 --> 00:14:56,896
Fucking up Grand Slams
nationwide.
385
00:14:59,691 --> 00:15:01,568
They reported it live
from Denny's.
386
00:15:01,609 --> 00:15:05,739
There was a news anchor
live in front of Denny's.
387
00:15:05,780 --> 00:15:07,407
He said,
"Welp, he did it again."
388
00:15:07,449 --> 00:15:09,993
What?
389
00:15:10,035 --> 00:15:11,178
"You're at Denny's,
watch your back,
390
00:15:11,202 --> 00:15:12,287
and watch your breakfast."
391
00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:14,122
What?
392
00:15:14,164 --> 00:15:15,975
Telling me I can't eat
breakfast without looking
393
00:15:15,999 --> 00:15:17,625
over my shoulder for stray dick?
394
00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:19,669
Are you kidding me?
395
00:15:19,711 --> 00:15:22,380
It's too much crazy.
396
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:25,300
The reason why I feel
like honestly I could be
397
00:15:25,342 --> 00:15:27,552
or, like, I have the potential
to be crazy,
398
00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:28,720
'cause I'm around it.
399
00:15:28,762 --> 00:15:30,764
Crazy friends, crazy family.
400
00:15:30,805 --> 00:15:32,057
My brother just got crazy.
401
00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:33,641
It just happened.
402
00:15:33,683 --> 00:15:34,684
He turned 50.
403
00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:35,953
The next day,
the nigga got weird.
404
00:15:35,977 --> 00:15:37,937
He got fucking weird.
405
00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:39,773
Called me with some weird shit.
406
00:15:39,814 --> 00:15:41,459
He's like, "Kev, I'm thinking
about getting a dog.
407
00:15:41,483 --> 00:15:42,359
I'm lonely."
408
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:43,360
I said, "You should get a dog.
409
00:15:43,401 --> 00:15:44,903
A dog would be good for you."
410
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:46,213
He's like, "Yeah, but I don't
know if I'd be a good owner.
411
00:15:46,237 --> 00:15:47,322
"You know what I'ma do?
412
00:15:47,364 --> 00:15:48,716
"I'ma act like a dog
for two weeks,
413
00:15:48,740 --> 00:15:50,325
see how that go."
414
00:15:55,789 --> 00:15:58,333
You ever hear somebody you love
say some crazy shit to you
415
00:15:58,375 --> 00:16:00,269
and you don't say nothing back
'cause you hope they say,
416
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:02,629
"I'm just fucking with you,"
and they never do?
417
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:05,524
I didn't know what to say.
I just got off the phone.
418
00:16:05,548 --> 00:16:07,568
I was like, "All right.
Well, let me let you go, man.
419
00:16:07,592 --> 00:16:08,778
Hit me when you figure it out."
420
00:16:08,802 --> 00:16:11,304
I just got off the phone.
421
00:16:11,346 --> 00:16:13,598
He called me a week later,
6:00 in the morning.
422
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:14,641
"Kev, you up?"
423
00:16:14,683 --> 00:16:16,559
I said, "I am now.
What's going on?"
424
00:16:16,601 --> 00:16:20,146
He said, "Ain't shit.
I'm out here walking this dog."
425
00:16:20,188 --> 00:16:21,207
I said, "You got the dog?"
426
00:16:21,231 --> 00:16:22,190
He said, "No, but if I had it,
427
00:16:22,232 --> 00:16:23,334
"this when I'd be walking it.
428
00:16:23,358 --> 00:16:24,943
I'm just trying to see
how it feel."
429
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:27,404
He said, "I'm mad 'cause
he won't go to the bathroom."
430
00:16:27,445 --> 00:16:30,407
What the fuck is going on?
431
00:16:30,448 --> 00:16:31,676
Now I'm worried,
but it's my brother,
432
00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:34,077
so I don't want
to fuck with him too much.
433
00:16:34,119 --> 00:16:35,805
So I participate.
This is what fucked me up.
434
00:16:35,829 --> 00:16:39,165
I go... I said, "Are you
walking him on grass?"
435
00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:42,085
This is what fucked me up.
436
00:16:42,127 --> 00:16:44,129
I said, "Are you
walking him on grass?"
437
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:46,047
My brother said,
"Ah, that's what it is.
438
00:16:46,089 --> 00:16:47,048
I'll call you back."
439
00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:48,299
Oh!
440
00:16:49,426 --> 00:16:51,344
Oh!
441
00:16:51,386 --> 00:16:53,763
He's a fucking psychopath!
442
00:16:53,805 --> 00:16:56,057
It's Jeffrey Dahmer
all over again.
443
00:16:56,099 --> 00:16:59,227
The lights are on.
Nobody's home.
444
00:17:02,230 --> 00:17:03,541
A week later, he called me
and said, "Kev,
445
00:17:03,565 --> 00:17:05,650
it's not gonna work.
I'm not getting a dog."
446
00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:07,253
I said, "Why not?"
He said, "'Cause he got loose.
447
00:17:07,277 --> 00:17:08,570
He ran away."
448
00:17:10,321 --> 00:17:11,424
Do you know how crazy
you gotta be
449
00:17:11,448 --> 00:17:12,866
to lose an imaginary dog?
450
00:17:12,907 --> 00:17:16,202
Do you have any idea
how fucking crazy you gotta be?
451
00:17:16,244 --> 00:17:17,704
I said, "Just act
like he came back.
452
00:17:17,746 --> 00:17:20,373
Pretend like the dog
came back."
453
00:17:20,415 --> 00:17:22,709
He said, "It's not
that easy, Kevin.
454
00:17:22,751 --> 00:17:26,379
"Plus, I just put the signs up
around the neighborhood
455
00:17:26,421 --> 00:17:27,881
trying to see if I get a call."
456
00:17:27,922 --> 00:17:29,424
Oh!
457
00:17:29,466 --> 00:17:31,134
He's a fucking psychopath!
458
00:17:35,263 --> 00:17:37,474
My dad is crazy.
459
00:17:37,515 --> 00:17:39,201
For those who do not know,
I just lost my dad,
460
00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:40,143
like, a week and a half ago.
461
00:17:40,185 --> 00:17:41,227
My dad just passed away.
462
00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:43,271
Not a sad moment.
Don't do that.
463
00:17:43,313 --> 00:17:44,582
We're not gonna make it
a sad moment.
464
00:17:44,606 --> 00:17:46,274
This is a celebration.
Here's why.
465
00:17:46,316 --> 00:17:47,734
Because of what I do
for a living,
466
00:17:47,776 --> 00:17:49,861
I get to fucking let the legend
of my dad live on.
467
00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:51,654
So we talk about my dad.
468
00:17:51,696 --> 00:17:53,114
We celebrate my dad.
469
00:17:53,156 --> 00:17:54,657
OK?
470
00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:56,659
It's a celebration.
471
00:17:56,701 --> 00:17:58,137
For those who have
followed my comedy,
472
00:17:58,161 --> 00:17:59,847
you know I've talked about
my dad throughout my career.
473
00:17:59,871 --> 00:18:01,039
Everything I said is true.
474
00:18:01,081 --> 00:18:03,208
It's all true, all the sayings.
475
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:04,268
All right, all right, all right.
476
00:18:04,292 --> 00:18:05,210
You gonna learn today.
Long dick.
477
00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:06,169
Say it with your chest.
478
00:18:06,211 --> 00:18:07,879
It's all fucking true.
479
00:18:09,381 --> 00:18:11,591
My dad passed away from COPD,
right?
480
00:18:11,633 --> 00:18:13,259
For those who do not know
what COPD is,
481
00:18:13,301 --> 00:18:14,861
it's like an elevated
version of asthma.
482
00:18:14,886 --> 00:18:16,388
My dad was on oxygen.
He had the tube
483
00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:18,932
hooked up to his nose,
oxygen tank in the corner.
484
00:18:18,973 --> 00:18:21,101
You go over his house,
this is all you saw.
485
00:18:21,142 --> 00:18:23,728
Just a bunch of fucking tube.
486
00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:25,206
He was an old man
that couldn't breathe
487
00:18:25,230 --> 00:18:26,398
that talked shit all day.
488
00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:28,441
That's all he did.
489
00:18:28,483 --> 00:18:30,694
Told the bitch
don't come over here.
490
00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:34,614
My dad thought
everybody had COVID.
491
00:18:34,656 --> 00:18:37,075
Don't let that bitch
in here with COVID.
492
00:18:37,117 --> 00:18:38,660
It's all on the hands.
493
00:18:38,702 --> 00:18:39,744
Look at the hands.
494
00:18:41,496 --> 00:18:42,455
Funny thing about
my dad is that he
495
00:18:42,497 --> 00:18:43,623
still thought he was tough.
496
00:18:43,665 --> 00:18:44,934
My friends would
fuck with him just
497
00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:46,376
to get a reaction out of him.
498
00:18:46,418 --> 00:18:47,812
My friend Wayne said,
"Spoon, I'll come over there
499
00:18:47,836 --> 00:18:49,716
and whup your ass,
knock that oxygen tank over."
500
00:18:49,754 --> 00:18:50,755
My dad got mad.
501
00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:52,149
He said, "Bitch,
say something else.
502
00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:54,843
I'll turn this tank up 20%,
give myself a boost."
503
00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:58,179
He started fucking
with the tank.
504
00:19:01,683 --> 00:19:03,309
20 seconds.
Start the clock right now.
505
00:19:03,351 --> 00:19:05,186
I'll fuck your ass up.
506
00:19:07,522 --> 00:19:08,940
He's a character.
507
00:19:08,982 --> 00:19:11,043
The thing about my dad is,
because he couldn't breathe,
508
00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:12,235
there was a rule.
509
00:19:12,277 --> 00:19:13,987
The rule was,
no surprising my dad.
510
00:19:14,029 --> 00:19:15,155
No surprising him.
511
00:19:15,196 --> 00:19:16,656
He couldn't take it.
It's too much.
512
00:19:18,408 --> 00:19:20,285
He couldn't take.
513
00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:24,998
He couldn't take it.
514
00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:28,877
I saw him almost die
one time, one time.
515
00:19:28,918 --> 00:19:30,128
We was in the kitchen.
516
00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:31,314
The tube got caught
under the stove.
517
00:19:31,338 --> 00:19:32,964
I didn't see it.
518
00:19:33,006 --> 00:19:34,632
I thought he had the hiccups.
519
00:19:37,052 --> 00:19:38,970
I did.
520
00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:41,890
That's what he did.
521
00:19:43,892 --> 00:19:46,019
Fuck wrong with you?
522
00:19:46,061 --> 00:19:48,188
You want some water?
523
00:19:48,229 --> 00:19:51,691
For a second,
for a quick second,
524
00:19:51,733 --> 00:19:53,169
I thought my brother dog
was in there.
525
00:19:53,193 --> 00:19:54,527
For a quick second.
526
00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:57,614
I said, that dog came here.
527
00:19:57,655 --> 00:20:00,450
I think that dog is in here.
528
00:20:00,492 --> 00:20:01,886
Then I realized
he couldn't breathe.
529
00:20:01,910 --> 00:20:03,220
I said, "Oh, shit, Dad,
you can't breathe.
530
00:20:03,244 --> 00:20:04,371
I got you."
531
00:20:04,412 --> 00:20:05,705
I started chasing the tube.
532
00:20:05,747 --> 00:20:07,749
I found a little kink
in the tube this big.
533
00:20:07,791 --> 00:20:08,875
I straightened it out.
534
00:20:08,917 --> 00:20:10,460
I got you, Dad.
535
00:20:10,502 --> 00:20:12,063
You would've thought somebody
shot my dad in the ass
536
00:20:12,087 --> 00:20:13,380
with adrenaline.
537
00:20:13,421 --> 00:20:14,381
I've never seen anybody
take a deeper breath
538
00:20:14,422 --> 00:20:15,715
in my fucking life.
539
00:20:19,594 --> 00:20:23,098
He said, "You see what
the devil tried to do to me?"
540
00:20:23,139 --> 00:20:25,809
Ain't no goddamn devil.
It's too much tube.
541
00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:29,872
I'll talk a lot of shit
about my dad,
542
00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:31,523
but it come
from a place of love.
543
00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:33,149
My dad had good qualities too.
544
00:20:33,191 --> 00:20:34,984
My dad is by far one of the best
545
00:20:35,026 --> 00:20:36,403
nickname givers on the planet.
546
00:20:36,444 --> 00:20:37,922
When it comes
to giving out nicknames,
547
00:20:37,946 --> 00:20:38,863
there's nobody better.
548
00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:40,240
Every nickname that he has given
549
00:20:40,281 --> 00:20:41,616
has lasted a lifetime.
550
00:20:41,658 --> 00:20:43,258
Keep in mind,
everybody wants a nickname.
551
00:20:43,284 --> 00:20:45,704
You just don't have the right
people giving them to you.
552
00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:48,039
Everyone has fucking landed.
553
00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:49,249
Here's a secret.
554
00:20:49,290 --> 00:20:50,518
The secret to giving out
good nicknames
555
00:20:50,542 --> 00:20:51,686
is that they gotta come
from a mean place.
556
00:20:51,710 --> 00:20:53,753
Good nicknames
are mean-spirited.
557
00:20:55,505 --> 00:20:57,549
I got an uncle.
My uncle had a stroke.
558
00:20:57,590 --> 00:20:58,776
His whole left side
is shut down.
559
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:01,594
His whole left side is dead,
can't move it.
560
00:21:01,636 --> 00:21:02,971
My dad called him Right Foot.
561
00:21:03,013 --> 00:21:05,724
This is a true story.
562
00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:07,034
It's not rocket science.
It's simple.
563
00:21:07,058 --> 00:21:08,435
It was actually too simple.
564
00:21:08,476 --> 00:21:09,912
I said, "Dad, why you
call him Right Foot?"
565
00:21:09,936 --> 00:21:11,163
He said, "You ever see him
move his left?"
566
00:21:11,187 --> 00:21:13,356
"No."
"All right.
567
00:21:13,398 --> 00:21:15,150
"There it is.
568
00:21:15,191 --> 00:21:17,110
There it is."
569
00:21:17,152 --> 00:21:19,029
Called my uncle Right Foot.
He get excited.
570
00:21:19,070 --> 00:21:20,613
"Right foot, what it is?"
571
00:21:20,655 --> 00:21:22,508
"Hey, you already know what the
fuck going on, god damn it."
572
00:21:22,532 --> 00:21:24,659
My uncle turned
into a human typewriter.
573
00:21:24,701 --> 00:21:25,701
Goddamn.
574
00:21:27,871 --> 00:21:28,955
I got an aunt.
575
00:21:28,997 --> 00:21:31,708
I got an aunt.
He calls my aunt Wings.
576
00:21:31,750 --> 00:21:32,876
Wings.
577
00:21:32,917 --> 00:21:34,836
She got that stuff
under her arm.
578
00:21:34,878 --> 00:21:36,314
You know that stuff
that women can't get rid of,
579
00:21:36,338 --> 00:21:37,881
that little piece?
580
00:21:37,922 --> 00:21:38,983
You know what I'm talking about,
581
00:21:39,007 --> 00:21:41,551
that piece that be up
under there?
582
00:21:41,593 --> 00:21:43,470
I never knew why he
called her Wings.
583
00:21:43,511 --> 00:21:45,221
One day, she was
in the kitchen going off.
584
00:21:45,263 --> 00:21:47,116
"Tired of y'all coming over
here, not closing the doors,
585
00:21:47,140 --> 00:21:48,141
eating up all the food."
586
00:21:48,183 --> 00:21:49,327
It was making a bunch of noise.
587
00:21:49,351 --> 00:21:51,436
Pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat.
588
00:21:53,188 --> 00:21:54,481
He tapped me, said, "Kev.
589
00:21:54,522 --> 00:21:56,125
"Look, look, look, look,
look, look, look, look.
590
00:21:56,149 --> 00:21:57,275
"She about to take off.
591
00:21:57,317 --> 00:21:59,819
"Fly, Wings.
592
00:21:59,861 --> 00:22:01,112
Fly."
593
00:22:02,405 --> 00:22:04,532
"Yeah."
594
00:22:06,284 --> 00:22:07,786
I love it when I tell that joke,
595
00:22:07,827 --> 00:22:10,121
'cause I can see some women
in the front grab they arm.
596
00:22:11,539 --> 00:22:12,665
Shut up, Kevin.
Shut up.
597
00:22:12,707 --> 00:22:14,417
You don't even... shut up.
598
00:22:16,878 --> 00:22:18,356
There's only one nickname
that he gave out
599
00:22:18,380 --> 00:22:19,398
that fucked me up a little bit.
600
00:22:19,422 --> 00:22:21,049
One.
601
00:22:21,091 --> 00:22:22,509
He got a little nephew.
602
00:22:22,550 --> 00:22:23,635
Little boy name is Calvin.
603
00:22:23,677 --> 00:22:25,470
My dad called him Crazy Horse.
604
00:22:25,512 --> 00:22:27,389
"Crazy Horse, come here.
605
00:22:27,430 --> 00:22:29,641
Crazy Horse, get over here."
606
00:22:29,683 --> 00:22:31,483
Now, before I go on
with the rest of the joke,
607
00:22:31,518 --> 00:22:33,228
I'ma tell you right now,
hand on the Bible,
608
00:22:33,269 --> 00:22:36,147
swear to God, I had no idea
that this boy was special.
609
00:22:36,189 --> 00:22:38,024
OK?
610
00:22:38,066 --> 00:22:39,651
I did not know.
611
00:22:39,693 --> 00:22:40,652
I'm getting that out the way.
612
00:22:40,694 --> 00:22:42,862
I'm telling you that now,
613
00:22:42,904 --> 00:22:44,215
'cause I don't want you
to think I'm a dickhead
614
00:22:44,239 --> 00:22:45,657
after I say what I say.
615
00:22:47,033 --> 00:22:48,386
I'm still gonna tell you
what the fuck I saw,
616
00:22:48,410 --> 00:22:50,995
but I wanted to get that out.
617
00:22:51,037 --> 00:22:52,372
Kept calling the boy
Crazy Horse.
618
00:22:52,414 --> 00:22:53,873
"Crazy Horse, come here."
619
00:22:53,915 --> 00:22:55,685
"I said, dad, why you keep
calling that boy Crazy Horse?"
620
00:22:55,709 --> 00:22:58,920
He said, "You never
seen him do it?"
621
00:22:58,962 --> 00:23:00,505
I said, "Do what?"
622
00:23:06,177 --> 00:23:07,929
I said, "Do what?"
623
00:23:07,971 --> 00:23:09,073
He said, "Crazy Horse,
come here."
624
00:23:09,097 --> 00:23:10,390
It was quick.
625
00:23:10,432 --> 00:23:11,867
If you blinked, you would
have fucking missed it.
626
00:23:11,891 --> 00:23:13,744
If you blink, I swear to God,
you would've missed it.
627
00:23:13,768 --> 00:23:14,853
"Crazy Horse, come here."
628
00:23:14,894 --> 00:23:16,771
The boy got up, he's like...
629
00:23:17,856 --> 00:23:19,107
Took off.
630
00:23:28,241 --> 00:23:29,576
No!
631
00:23:30,410 --> 00:23:31,745
No!
632
00:23:31,786 --> 00:23:34,664
Can't call that boy
no fucking Crazy Horse.
633
00:23:36,166 --> 00:23:37,476
He said, "Why not?
That's my nephew."
634
00:23:37,500 --> 00:23:39,252
I don't give a fuck who he is.
635
00:23:39,294 --> 00:23:41,379
'Cause of the times, you can't
treat people like that
636
00:23:41,421 --> 00:23:43,298
because of the times.
637
00:23:43,340 --> 00:23:45,550
He got mad, started
adjusting his oxygen tank.
638
00:23:47,969 --> 00:23:49,596
"Yell at me again,
I'll fuck your ass up.
639
00:23:49,637 --> 00:23:51,639
20 seconds.
Start the clock right now."
640
00:23:53,183 --> 00:23:55,935
Crazy Horse.
641
00:23:55,977 --> 00:23:57,580
You know, man, my dad
is such a character.
642
00:23:57,604 --> 00:23:59,373
Like, when I think about
my dad and my brother,
643
00:23:59,397 --> 00:24:00,624
the thing that I've realized now
644
00:24:00,648 --> 00:24:02,817
is that we represent
one generation, right?
645
00:24:02,859 --> 00:24:05,278
We're a generation
of men in our family.
646
00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:07,614
And I'm like, damn, now
I got four kids, two sons.
647
00:24:07,655 --> 00:24:09,783
Holy shit.
That's the next generation.
648
00:24:09,824 --> 00:24:11,802
Had to give myself a reality
check, because I've realized
649
00:24:11,826 --> 00:24:14,537
I don't think I'm doing my job
preparing them
650
00:24:14,579 --> 00:24:16,223
to be a better generation
than what we are.
651
00:24:16,247 --> 00:24:17,916
I'm passing down bad habits.
652
00:24:17,957 --> 00:24:19,417
This is not a hypothetical.
653
00:24:19,459 --> 00:24:21,294
This is a fact.
I know I am.
654
00:24:21,336 --> 00:24:23,713
My bad habits are being
passed down, like my patience.
655
00:24:23,755 --> 00:24:24,964
I don't have patience.
656
00:24:25,006 --> 00:24:26,233
This is one
of my worst qualities.
657
00:24:26,257 --> 00:24:27,276
I get irritated very fast.
658
00:24:27,300 --> 00:24:28,718
Small things make me mad.
659
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:29,969
This is not a joke.
660
00:24:30,011 --> 00:24:31,238
This is an example,
'cause I want you
661
00:24:31,262 --> 00:24:32,138
to understand what I'm saying.
662
00:24:32,180 --> 00:24:33,366
I don't like it when people eat
663
00:24:33,390 --> 00:24:34,516
and sweat at the same time.
664
00:24:34,557 --> 00:24:36,226
I don't fucking like it.
665
00:24:36,267 --> 00:24:37,227
I don't fucking like it.
666
00:24:37,268 --> 00:24:38,395
Like, if somebody's eating
667
00:24:38,436 --> 00:24:39,955
and while they eat,
they be like, whew.
668
00:24:39,979 --> 00:24:41,439
I'll punch you
in the fucking face.
669
00:24:41,481 --> 00:24:42,857
If I'm there, I swear to God,
670
00:24:42,899 --> 00:24:44,043
I'll punch you
in the fucking face.
671
00:24:44,067 --> 00:24:46,069
Slow down!
672
00:24:46,111 --> 00:24:47,588
Ain't nobody gonna take
that food from you.
673
00:24:47,612 --> 00:24:48,988
Slow down!
674
00:24:50,657 --> 00:24:51,950
Tell you what else I don't like.
675
00:24:51,991 --> 00:24:53,761
You're not gonna like it,
but I'ma tell you anyway.
676
00:24:53,785 --> 00:24:55,721
I've recently realized
that I don't have any patience
677
00:24:55,745 --> 00:24:56,996
for unattractive people.
678
00:24:57,038 --> 00:24:58,665
There. I said it.
That's how I feel.
679
00:24:59,874 --> 00:25:01,477
I know when you first
hear it, it's a blow.
680
00:25:01,501 --> 00:25:02,961
It's a blow at first.
681
00:25:03,003 --> 00:25:04,462
I ask that you stay with me.
682
00:25:04,504 --> 00:25:06,548
OK?
Stay with me until the end.
683
00:25:06,589 --> 00:25:07,817
I feel like they're very needy.
684
00:25:07,841 --> 00:25:09,884
Unattractive people
are very needy.
685
00:25:09,926 --> 00:25:11,428
They always want something.
686
00:25:11,469 --> 00:25:14,055
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
687
00:25:15,890 --> 00:25:17,767
Excuse me.
You know where I can...
688
00:25:17,809 --> 00:25:20,186
No, I don't.
No.
689
00:25:20,228 --> 00:25:21,938
No. No.
690
00:25:21,980 --> 00:25:23,398
I treat them like fucking cats.
691
00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:24,774
Get your ass out of here.
692
00:25:26,484 --> 00:25:28,695
Get out of here!
You better get!
693
00:25:31,197 --> 00:25:32,699
It's too much.
694
00:25:32,741 --> 00:25:33,867
It's too fucking much.
695
00:25:33,908 --> 00:25:35,011
Let me tell you
where the joke came from
696
00:25:35,035 --> 00:25:36,870
so you don't think
I'm a dick, OK?
697
00:25:36,911 --> 00:25:39,122
I was at the bank, right?
I get done at the bank.
698
00:25:39,164 --> 00:25:40,206
I'm in my car.
699
00:25:40,248 --> 00:25:41,600
I'm about to pull out
the parking lot.
700
00:25:41,624 --> 00:25:43,019
You gotta stop at the little
parking booth, right?
701
00:25:43,043 --> 00:25:44,103
You gotta give the guy
your ticket.
702
00:25:44,127 --> 00:25:45,354
I go to give the guy my ticket.
703
00:25:45,378 --> 00:25:46,897
He slide the glass back,
sticks his head out.
704
00:25:46,921 --> 00:25:49,257
Very unattractive man.
Whatever.
705
00:25:49,299 --> 00:25:51,551
He sees me.
When he saw me, he lost it.
706
00:25:51,593 --> 00:25:52,802
He got excited.
707
00:25:52,844 --> 00:25:54,888
He's like, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.
708
00:25:56,931 --> 00:25:59,934
Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh-uh.
709
00:25:59,976 --> 00:26:02,687
Made that ugly-ass face
right in my fucking face.
710
00:26:03,980 --> 00:26:06,358
Kevin Hart in my bank?
You got to be kidding me.
711
00:26:06,399 --> 00:26:07,877
He said, "I'm not letting you
out of here until you
712
00:26:07,901 --> 00:26:09,486
"tell me why you chose us.
Why us?
713
00:26:09,527 --> 00:26:10,904
"Why you bank with us?
714
00:26:10,945 --> 00:26:14,366
Why'd you choose us
as your financial institution?"
715
00:26:14,407 --> 00:26:15,843
I couldn't believe
what the fuck I heard.
716
00:26:15,867 --> 00:26:18,328
I said, "I don't have time
for this shit.
717
00:26:18,370 --> 00:26:20,210
"Press the button.
Let me the fuck out of here.
718
00:26:20,246 --> 00:26:21,831
I don't have time."
719
00:26:21,873 --> 00:26:24,876
He did it again.
Uh-uh, uh-uh-uh, uh-uh.
720
00:26:25,710 --> 00:26:27,271
"I ain't letting you out of
here till you tell me why us.
721
00:26:27,295 --> 00:26:28,463
"Why'd you choose us?
722
00:26:28,505 --> 00:26:30,674
Why us?
Why'd you choose us?"
723
00:26:30,715 --> 00:26:31,925
Kept saying us.
724
00:26:31,966 --> 00:26:33,194
I told you
I don't have any patience.
725
00:26:33,218 --> 00:26:34,427
I fucking lost it.
I snapped.
726
00:26:34,469 --> 00:26:35,845
I said, "Stop saying us.
727
00:26:35,887 --> 00:26:37,323
"You don't got shit to do
with that goddamn bank.
728
00:26:37,347 --> 00:26:39,808
"This parking lot ain't got
shit to do with that bank.
729
00:26:39,849 --> 00:26:41,101
"Hit the button.
730
00:26:41,142 --> 00:26:43,978
Let me the fuck up
out of here."
731
00:26:44,020 --> 00:26:45,665
This when I got mad.
He looked me dead in the eye.
732
00:26:45,689 --> 00:26:47,148
He said, "I got all day,
Kevin Hart.
733
00:26:47,190 --> 00:26:49,109
All day."
734
00:26:49,150 --> 00:26:51,087
I realized he's not playing.
He's not gonna let me out.
735
00:26:51,111 --> 00:26:52,505
I gotta answer
his fucking question.
736
00:26:52,529 --> 00:26:54,572
"OK, fine, you want to know
why I chose this bank?
737
00:26:54,614 --> 00:26:57,117
"Your customer service,
loan rates, free checking.
738
00:26:57,158 --> 00:26:59,619
There you go. That's why.
That's why I chose y'all."
739
00:26:59,661 --> 00:27:00,787
This is what pissed me off.
740
00:27:00,829 --> 00:27:02,098
He goes, "That's all
you had to say,
741
00:27:02,122 --> 00:27:03,623
with your little ugly ass."
742
00:27:03,665 --> 00:27:05,792
I said, "What'd you just say?
743
00:27:05,834 --> 00:27:06,936
The fuck did you
just say to me?"
744
00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:08,420
"Get your ugly ass
out my line."
745
00:27:10,005 --> 00:27:11,548
He hit the button.
I had to pull off.
746
00:27:13,258 --> 00:27:14,718
Now I'm pissed.
747
00:27:14,759 --> 00:27:15,677
I'm not ugly.
748
00:27:15,719 --> 00:27:17,137
You ugly!
749
00:27:19,264 --> 00:27:20,974
Fucking pissed.
750
00:27:21,016 --> 00:27:24,102
I stopped at Chipotle
two blocks up.
751
00:27:24,144 --> 00:27:25,812
It's a long line in Chipotle.
752
00:27:25,854 --> 00:27:27,022
Now I'm even more irritated.
753
00:27:27,063 --> 00:27:28,398
I'm only in this long-ass line
754
00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:31,484
because of that
unattractive-ass conversation.
755
00:27:31,526 --> 00:27:33,653
While I'm standing in line,
the woman behind me goes,
756
00:27:33,695 --> 00:27:34,654
"Oh, my God,
today's such a nice day.
757
00:27:34,696 --> 00:27:35,822
It's so beautiful outside."
758
00:27:35,864 --> 00:27:37,198
I'm about to fucking snap.
759
00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:38,324
I'ma lose it.
760
00:27:38,366 --> 00:27:39,784
I'ma fucking snap.
I'ma turn around.
761
00:27:39,826 --> 00:27:40,970
I'ma let this goddamn woman
have it.
762
00:27:40,994 --> 00:27:42,287
I turn around.
I see her.
763
00:27:42,328 --> 00:27:44,205
This is by far one
of the most attractive women
764
00:27:44,247 --> 00:27:45,391
I've ever seen
in my fucking life.
765
00:27:45,415 --> 00:27:47,095
She was gorgeous.
Immediately, instantly...
766
00:27:48,668 --> 00:27:50,670
I had time.
I had fucking time.
767
00:27:50,712 --> 00:27:52,297
I said, "You know what?
768
00:27:52,339 --> 00:27:54,466
It is a nice day.
It's so nice outside."
769
00:27:55,884 --> 00:27:56,944
I turned into
a fucking weatherman.
770
00:27:56,968 --> 00:27:58,219
I said, "What we need is rain.
771
00:27:58,261 --> 00:28:00,764
We ain't had no rain
in a minute."
772
00:28:00,805 --> 00:28:02,366
She said, "I wasn't even
talking to you."
773
00:28:02,390 --> 00:28:04,517
Turned her back on me.
774
00:28:04,559 --> 00:28:06,186
What the fuck?
775
00:28:06,227 --> 00:28:08,438
Oh, no. No.
That is not acceptable.
776
00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:11,107
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
777
00:28:11,149 --> 00:28:13,777
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
778
00:28:13,818 --> 00:28:16,071
She turned around.
"What?"
779
00:28:16,112 --> 00:28:18,656
Aha!
780
00:28:18,698 --> 00:28:20,241
Ah.
781
00:28:23,828 --> 00:28:25,413
Ah.
782
00:28:27,957 --> 00:28:30,126
I just want...
783
00:28:30,168 --> 00:28:32,212
"I just want to know
what made you choose Chipotle
784
00:28:32,253 --> 00:28:34,422
as your place for lunch today."
785
00:28:36,049 --> 00:28:37,234
She said,
"I'm not telling you that."
786
00:28:37,258 --> 00:28:39,719
I said, "Uh-uh, uh-uh,
uh-uh-uh."
787
00:28:39,761 --> 00:28:44,057
I was the unattractive person
in that conversation.
788
00:28:44,099 --> 00:28:45,284
Guy flipped it on me that fast.
789
00:28:45,308 --> 00:28:46,494
Let me tell you
something, people.
790
00:28:46,518 --> 00:28:48,061
No matter how good
you think you look,
791
00:28:48,103 --> 00:28:51,231
I promise you that you don't
look that fucking good.
792
00:28:51,272 --> 00:28:53,191
I promise you
something will happen
793
00:28:53,233 --> 00:28:56,152
in life to show you that you
don't look that fucking good.
794
00:28:56,194 --> 00:28:58,113
My wife gave me a reality check.
795
00:28:58,154 --> 00:29:00,115
We was in the bed, watching TV.
796
00:29:00,156 --> 00:29:01,908
Commercial came on
with the little monster
797
00:29:01,950 --> 00:29:03,094
from "Lord of the Rings,"
Smeagol.
798
00:29:03,118 --> 00:29:04,494
I think that's his name.
799
00:29:04,536 --> 00:29:05,888
Smeagol, he was doing
this shit right here.
800
00:29:05,912 --> 00:29:07,247
You know the little monster?
801
00:29:07,288 --> 00:29:08,724
That's what he did.
He was doing this shit.
802
00:29:08,748 --> 00:29:10,917
My wife said, "Oh, my God,
babe, you be doing that."
803
00:29:10,959 --> 00:29:14,004
I said, "Bitch,
what did you just say to me?
804
00:29:14,045 --> 00:29:15,380
The fuck did you just say?"
805
00:29:15,422 --> 00:29:17,090
"You be doing that
in the mornings."
806
00:29:17,132 --> 00:29:18,925
"Bitch, I ain't never did
no shit like that
807
00:29:18,967 --> 00:29:20,760
in my goddamn life!"
808
00:29:21,594 --> 00:29:24,472
Called me a fucking monster
to my goddamn face.
809
00:29:26,391 --> 00:29:29,477
Self-esteem was fucking dead
after that.
810
00:29:29,519 --> 00:29:31,563
Crushed my soul.
811
00:29:31,604 --> 00:29:34,441
I'll tell you what really
destroyed my self-esteem,
812
00:29:34,482 --> 00:29:36,276
what destroyed it.
813
00:29:36,317 --> 00:29:39,279
Fan art.
814
00:29:39,320 --> 00:29:40,572
That's right.
815
00:29:40,613 --> 00:29:42,032
Fan art.
816
00:29:42,073 --> 00:29:44,784
The pictures that you
are drawing of me
817
00:29:44,826 --> 00:29:47,662
and have given to me in person.
818
00:29:47,704 --> 00:29:49,789
The nerve of some of you.
819
00:29:49,831 --> 00:29:52,083
Like, listen, I... fuck you.
820
00:29:52,125 --> 00:29:54,461
And I mean that.
Like, I stand on that.
821
00:29:54,502 --> 00:29:57,839
Fuck you,
acting like these pictures
822
00:29:57,881 --> 00:29:59,507
come from a place of love.
823
00:29:59,549 --> 00:30:02,010
It's got to be... it's the most
irritating shit in the world.
824
00:30:02,052 --> 00:30:03,571
You think... let me
show you something.
825
00:30:03,595 --> 00:30:05,239
Put one of them pictures up.
Look at this shit.
826
00:30:05,263 --> 00:30:07,140
Look.
Look at this.
827
00:30:07,182 --> 00:30:08,409
These are real pictures,
by the way.
828
00:30:08,433 --> 00:30:10,185
These are real fucking pictures.
829
00:30:10,226 --> 00:30:11,686
Look at my goddamn mouth.
830
00:30:11,728 --> 00:30:13,021
When did I have a stroke?
831
00:30:13,063 --> 00:30:15,273
Does anybody know
when I had a stroke?
832
00:30:15,315 --> 00:30:17,108
Show another one.
Show another... look.
833
00:30:17,150 --> 00:30:18,610
Look at this shit.
834
00:30:18,651 --> 00:30:21,029
Look at this shit.
Now I'm Frankenstein, huh?
835
00:30:21,071 --> 00:30:22,614
I'm fucking Frankenstein?
836
00:30:22,655 --> 00:30:23,907
Look at my fucking forehead.
837
00:30:23,948 --> 00:30:25,408
Goddamn.
838
00:30:25,450 --> 00:30:27,369
What the fuck?
Look at the next one.
839
00:30:27,410 --> 00:30:28,745
What color am I?
840
00:30:28,787 --> 00:30:30,538
What the fuck color am I?
841
00:30:32,374 --> 00:30:33,458
Cut it off.
842
00:30:33,500 --> 00:30:35,043
I mean, it's just...
It's so much, man.
843
00:30:35,085 --> 00:30:36,294
I'ma tell you who drew, like,
844
00:30:36,336 --> 00:30:37,396
one of the worst pieces
of fan art.
845
00:30:37,420 --> 00:30:38,421
You should know.
846
00:30:38,463 --> 00:30:39,464
Who do you think gave me
847
00:30:39,506 --> 00:30:40,524
one of the worst pieces
of fan art
848
00:30:40,548 --> 00:30:41,424
that I've ever seen?
849
00:30:41,466 --> 00:30:43,802
Think.
850
00:30:43,843 --> 00:30:45,762
No.
No.
851
00:30:45,804 --> 00:30:47,013
Crazy Horse.
852
00:30:47,055 --> 00:30:50,183
Crazy Horse gave me
a picture so bad.
853
00:30:50,225 --> 00:30:52,143
This bitch left
my goddamn body out.
854
00:30:52,185 --> 00:30:54,145
He drew my face and my neck
855
00:30:54,187 --> 00:30:56,189
and then put a boot
underneath it.
856
00:30:56,231 --> 00:30:58,233
Look... look... look at this.
857
00:30:58,274 --> 00:31:00,068
Where the fuck is my body at,
Crazy Horse?
858
00:31:00,110 --> 00:31:02,445
He said,
"You live in the boot."
859
00:31:02,487 --> 00:31:03,613
He took off.
860
00:31:03,655 --> 00:31:05,865
I couldn't catch him.
861
00:31:05,907 --> 00:31:07,117
Son of a bitch.
862
00:31:08,743 --> 00:31:10,245
I'm trying to do things
that actually
863
00:31:10,286 --> 00:31:12,622
work on my levels of patience.
864
00:31:12,664 --> 00:31:14,916
I'm trying to do things
that allow me
865
00:31:14,958 --> 00:31:16,918
time to think for me, right,
866
00:31:16,960 --> 00:31:18,670
like stepping away
from the pack,
867
00:31:18,712 --> 00:31:19,963
giving myself some me time.
868
00:31:20,005 --> 00:31:21,440
I recommend you guys
do it too, right?
869
00:31:21,464 --> 00:31:23,109
Step away from the pack
every once in a while.
870
00:31:23,133 --> 00:31:25,552
Go do some shit for you,
an activity for you.
871
00:31:25,593 --> 00:31:27,137
It's a good stress reliever.
It is.
872
00:31:27,178 --> 00:31:28,471
It really is.
873
00:31:29,723 --> 00:31:30,825
One thing I used to do,
I used to play
874
00:31:30,849 --> 00:31:32,225
a lot of basketball, right?
875
00:31:32,267 --> 00:31:34,769
I would go up to gyms
and just do open runs.
876
00:31:34,811 --> 00:31:36,271
I had to stop going to one gym
877
00:31:36,312 --> 00:31:38,523
because they turned it
into a picture fest.
878
00:31:38,565 --> 00:31:39,959
Everybody wanted
to take fucking pictures.
879
00:31:39,983 --> 00:31:41,085
I ain't here to take pictures.
880
00:31:41,109 --> 00:31:42,193
I'm here to play ball.
881
00:31:42,235 --> 00:31:43,945
I'm not coming back to this gym.
882
00:31:43,987 --> 00:31:45,572
I'll go find another gym,
where they do
883
00:31:45,613 --> 00:31:47,741
three-on-three basketball
Tuesdays and Thursdays,
884
00:31:47,782 --> 00:31:48,992
6:00 a.m. to 8:00 a.m.
885
00:31:49,034 --> 00:31:50,594
It's much better.
This where I need to be.
886
00:31:50,618 --> 00:31:51,703
It's more intimate.
887
00:31:51,745 --> 00:31:52,763
Keep in mind,
when I play basketball,
888
00:31:52,787 --> 00:31:54,039
I talk a lot of shit.
889
00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:55,623
Fuck outta here, bitch, ah.
890
00:31:56,958 --> 00:31:58,418
You're too small.
891
00:31:58,460 --> 00:32:00,146
I'll put you in my back pocket,
with your little ass.
892
00:32:00,170 --> 00:32:01,212
You're too fucking small.
893
00:32:01,254 --> 00:32:03,006
Put you right in my back pocket.
894
00:32:03,048 --> 00:32:04,049
I'm about to get buckets.
895
00:32:04,090 --> 00:32:05,133
It's time to eat.
896
00:32:05,175 --> 00:32:06,968
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
897
00:32:08,470 --> 00:32:10,281
Keep in mind, when I talk shit,
I don't like it
898
00:32:10,305 --> 00:32:11,639
when you don't talk shit back.
899
00:32:11,681 --> 00:32:13,284
You messing up the competitive
nature in the game.
900
00:32:13,308 --> 00:32:15,393
If I talk shit, talk shit back.
901
00:32:15,435 --> 00:32:16,704
We playing three-on-three
basketball.
902
00:32:16,728 --> 00:32:18,331
They treating it like
it's the goddamn NBA.
903
00:32:18,355 --> 00:32:20,648
Calling plays,
setting picks and shit.
904
00:32:20,690 --> 00:32:22,108
It was too much.
We lost.
905
00:32:22,150 --> 00:32:25,236
I quit.
I'm not playing anymore.
906
00:32:25,278 --> 00:32:26,922
I walked out.
There was a sign in the lobby.
907
00:32:26,946 --> 00:32:28,740
The sign in the lobby said,
"Deaf run
908
00:32:28,782 --> 00:32:31,117
Tuesdays and Thursdays,
6:00 a.m. to 8:00 a.m."
909
00:32:31,159 --> 00:32:32,786
Yeah, they were deaf.
910
00:32:32,827 --> 00:32:33,787
They didn't hear shit I said.
911
00:32:33,828 --> 00:32:35,663
Now... no, they didn't.
912
00:32:35,705 --> 00:32:37,540
They weren't calling plays.
913
00:32:37,582 --> 00:32:38,541
They were communicating.
914
00:32:38,583 --> 00:32:39,727
They were talking
to one another.
915
00:32:39,751 --> 00:32:42,045
Now, this isn't a joke
about deaf people.
916
00:32:42,087 --> 00:32:43,189
That's not what
the joke is about.
917
00:32:43,213 --> 00:32:44,464
It's about what I looked like.
918
00:32:44,506 --> 00:32:47,300
What the fuck did I
look like back there?
919
00:32:47,342 --> 00:32:48,444
'Cause I know what I was saying.
920
00:32:48,468 --> 00:32:51,304
I'm talking shit.
"Yeah, bitch.
921
00:32:52,514 --> 00:32:54,641
"Yeah, bitch.
Yeah. You're too small.
922
00:32:54,683 --> 00:32:56,911
"Put you in my fucking back
pocket, with your little ass.
923
00:32:56,935 --> 00:32:58,061
"Yeah.
Come on, bitch.
924
00:32:59,604 --> 00:33:01,165
"I'm about to get buckets
of barbecue chicken.
925
00:33:01,189 --> 00:33:03,400
Mmm, mmm, mmm."
That's what I said.
926
00:33:04,150 --> 00:33:07,320
What does that look like
without the volume, hmm?
927
00:33:07,362 --> 00:33:09,531
What does it look like
without the volume?
928
00:33:34,889 --> 00:33:36,325
I just told that man
that I want to eat his ass.
929
00:33:36,349 --> 00:33:38,351
That's what I just said.
930
00:33:38,393 --> 00:33:39,453
I don't want to eat your ass.
931
00:33:39,477 --> 00:33:41,271
That's barbecue chicken, bitch.
932
00:33:41,312 --> 00:33:42,480
Barbecue chicken.
933
00:33:42,522 --> 00:33:44,274
I'm not trying to eat your ass.
934
00:33:46,234 --> 00:33:48,236
Had to leave a note, apologize.
935
00:33:50,238 --> 00:33:52,449
I am working on my shit, man.
936
00:33:52,490 --> 00:33:54,218
Certain things I just can't do
anymore, not like I used to.
937
00:33:54,242 --> 00:33:55,368
I stopped drinking.
938
00:33:55,410 --> 00:33:56,911
I don't drink
as much as I used to.
939
00:33:56,953 --> 00:33:58,264
Not because I had a problem,
just 'cause I'm getting older.
940
00:33:58,288 --> 00:33:59,497
I still drink.
941
00:33:59,539 --> 00:34:00,623
I love to drink.
942
00:34:00,665 --> 00:34:02,018
I have a fucking tequila,
Gran Coramino.
943
00:34:02,042 --> 00:34:04,377
You guys should know
that I love to fucking drink.
944
00:34:04,419 --> 00:34:06,019
That Mino Lino.
You need it in your life.
945
00:34:06,046 --> 00:34:07,213
Trust me.
946
00:34:07,255 --> 00:34:08,649
I just can't drink
the way I used to.
947
00:34:08,673 --> 00:34:11,676
When I was 22, 23 years old,
I'd take shots for days.
948
00:34:11,718 --> 00:34:13,345
Bow, bow, bow.
949
00:34:13,386 --> 00:34:15,430
Dance afterwards.
Yeah, bitch, uh.
950
00:34:17,057 --> 00:34:19,726
43 is different.
951
00:34:19,768 --> 00:34:21,353
It's different at 43.
952
00:34:21,394 --> 00:34:23,438
One shot.
Bow.
953
00:34:26,941 --> 00:34:30,570
Some...
954
00:34:30,612 --> 00:34:32,739
Somebody put something
in my drink.
955
00:34:34,115 --> 00:34:37,577
Somebody trying to do something
to me here tonight.
956
00:34:38,953 --> 00:34:40,080
I'm a blackout drunk too.
957
00:34:40,121 --> 00:34:41,414
I'll black out.
958
00:34:41,456 --> 00:34:43,583
In a heartbeat,
I'll black the fuck out.
959
00:34:43,625 --> 00:34:45,418
Mid-conversation.
960
00:34:45,460 --> 00:34:47,462
What we doing?
We going... we going club...
961
00:34:47,504 --> 00:34:49,565
Hey, we go... everybody...
Everybody go club... we all...
962
00:34:49,589 --> 00:34:50,799
I'm out.
963
00:34:52,050 --> 00:34:53,385
It's a wrap.
964
00:34:53,426 --> 00:34:54,928
I don't like my friends.
965
00:34:54,969 --> 00:34:57,472
These son of a bitches never
take me home when I black out.
966
00:34:57,514 --> 00:35:01,351
They just prop me up in the
corner, keep the party going.
967
00:35:01,393 --> 00:35:03,144
'Cause they need my face
to get into places.
968
00:35:03,186 --> 00:35:05,605
They need my fucking face.
969
00:35:05,647 --> 00:35:07,583
They treat me like Bernie
from "Weekend at Bernie's."
970
00:35:07,607 --> 00:35:11,152
They just keep showing
my face at the door.
971
00:35:13,988 --> 00:35:14,948
Get in there, Kev.
972
00:35:14,989 --> 00:35:15,949
Bitch, I'm dead.
973
00:35:15,990 --> 00:35:17,701
Check my pulse.
974
00:35:20,995 --> 00:35:22,580
My friends are hilarious, man.
975
00:35:22,622 --> 00:35:24,791
I recently had to have
a conversation with my friends.
976
00:35:24,833 --> 00:35:26,102
Had a big conversation
with them.
977
00:35:26,126 --> 00:35:27,395
Had to explain to my friends
that I'm no longer
978
00:35:27,419 --> 00:35:28,795
the friend of old.
979
00:35:28,837 --> 00:35:31,172
I'm no longer the all-for-one,
one-for-all friend.
980
00:35:31,214 --> 00:35:32,942
I'm no longer the "we ride
together, we die together."
981
00:35:32,966 --> 00:35:35,552
I'm no longer the "if one
go down, we all go down."
982
00:35:35,593 --> 00:35:37,804
I'm no longer that friend.
983
00:35:37,846 --> 00:35:39,514
43 years old,
I'm at a point in my life
984
00:35:39,556 --> 00:35:42,267
where I'm not choosing to deal
with the world of bullshit
985
00:35:42,308 --> 00:35:43,369
that comes with my friends.
986
00:35:43,393 --> 00:35:45,020
I no longer want your bullshit.
987
00:35:45,061 --> 00:35:46,312
I'm not embracing it anymore.
988
00:35:46,354 --> 00:35:47,605
I'm at a point in my life...
989
00:35:47,647 --> 00:35:50,066
I'm very serious, very serious.
990
00:35:50,108 --> 00:35:52,444
I'm at a point in my life
where I'll tell on you.
991
00:35:52,485 --> 00:35:54,154
I'll fucking tell.
I told them.
992
00:35:54,195 --> 00:35:55,613
That's where I'm at.
993
00:35:55,655 --> 00:35:57,383
You do something
around me that involves the law
994
00:35:57,407 --> 00:35:59,701
in any way, shape, or form,
I'll fucking tell.
995
00:35:59,743 --> 00:36:00,910
I'll tell.
996
00:36:00,952 --> 00:36:03,329
It doesn't make me
a snitch or a bitch.
997
00:36:03,371 --> 00:36:04,873
You know why?
You know why?
998
00:36:04,914 --> 00:36:07,375
'Cause I'm telling you ahead
of time what the fuck I'll do.
999
00:36:07,417 --> 00:36:08,853
That means I'm giving you
an opportunity
1000
00:36:08,877 --> 00:36:10,337
to make better decisions
around me
1001
00:36:10,378 --> 00:36:11,647
so that I don't have
to tell on you.
1002
00:36:11,671 --> 00:36:14,341
I don't want to have
to fucking tell on you.
1003
00:36:14,382 --> 00:36:15,633
They thought I was lying.
1004
00:36:15,675 --> 00:36:17,135
I wasn't.
1005
00:36:17,177 --> 00:36:18,511
We went to Mexico.
1006
00:36:18,553 --> 00:36:20,680
Keep in mind, we fly private,
right?
1007
00:36:20,722 --> 00:36:21,931
We go to Mexico.
1008
00:36:21,973 --> 00:36:23,183
We're on the plane.
1009
00:36:23,224 --> 00:36:24,535
While we're on the plane,
my friends,
1010
00:36:24,559 --> 00:36:26,770
they love to bring weed,
love the flower weed.
1011
00:36:26,811 --> 00:36:27,812
Go right ahead.
1012
00:36:27,854 --> 00:36:28,956
Bring all the fucking weed
you want.
1013
00:36:28,980 --> 00:36:31,232
It's all fun and games
until it's not.
1014
00:36:32,567 --> 00:36:33,902
I said, I don't
want to hear shit
1015
00:36:33,943 --> 00:36:36,196
when we land and them little
Mexican dogs get active,
1016
00:36:36,237 --> 00:36:38,073
start sniffing your bags.
1017
00:36:38,114 --> 00:36:39,717
I don't want to see you
looking up like you
1018
00:36:39,741 --> 00:36:41,052
don't know what the fuck
they smell,
1019
00:36:41,076 --> 00:36:42,202
'cause guess what I'ma do.
1020
00:36:42,243 --> 00:36:43,328
Guess what I'ma do.
1021
00:36:43,370 --> 00:36:44,371
I'ma solve the case.
1022
00:36:44,412 --> 00:36:46,122
That's what I'ma do.
1023
00:36:46,164 --> 00:36:47,874
I'ma solve the goddamn case.
1024
00:36:47,916 --> 00:36:49,209
Oh!
1025
00:36:49,250 --> 00:36:50,585
That dog found it, Officer.
1026
00:36:50,627 --> 00:36:52,879
That dog got it right there.
1027
00:36:52,921 --> 00:36:55,423
Mark, raise your hand
so they know who bag that is.
1028
00:36:55,465 --> 00:36:57,217
You probably gotta go with them.
1029
00:36:57,258 --> 00:36:58,802
Yeah.
You want him to go with y'all?
1030
00:36:58,843 --> 00:37:02,222
Yep, they said you gotta
go with them, Mark.
1031
00:37:02,263 --> 00:37:04,557
I'ma solve the goddamn case.
1032
00:37:06,351 --> 00:37:07,394
I'll never forget it.
1033
00:37:07,435 --> 00:37:09,145
We're on the plane
going to Mexico.
1034
00:37:09,187 --> 00:37:12,023
First of all, it's always
the person with the drugs
1035
00:37:12,065 --> 00:37:13,900
that's got the worst ideas
in the world.
1036
00:37:13,942 --> 00:37:15,151
Always.
1037
00:37:15,193 --> 00:37:16,945
That's Joey's stupid ass.
1038
00:37:16,986 --> 00:37:18,947
Keep using the word "we."
1039
00:37:18,988 --> 00:37:20,156
"This what we gonna do.
1040
00:37:20,198 --> 00:37:22,075
"This how we gonna make it work.
1041
00:37:22,117 --> 00:37:23,576
"When we get off
the plane, look.
1042
00:37:23,618 --> 00:37:25,262
"If they want to go through
your bags, all you gotta do
1043
00:37:25,286 --> 00:37:26,663
"is grab the bag
without the drugs.
1044
00:37:26,705 --> 00:37:28,432
"If they don't, then grab
the bag with the drugs.
1045
00:37:28,456 --> 00:37:29,600
"That's how we get
the drugs through.
1046
00:37:29,624 --> 00:37:31,167
We alternate it like that."
1047
00:37:31,209 --> 00:37:33,336
Everybody on the plane
was like, "Bet, dope, yeah.
1048
00:37:33,378 --> 00:37:34,921
Let's do it."
1049
00:37:34,963 --> 00:37:37,590
I said, "That don't work for
me. I don't like that plan.
1050
00:37:37,632 --> 00:37:39,110
"I don't fucking like it.
My name on my bag.
1051
00:37:39,134 --> 00:37:40,135
"Don't touch my bag.
1052
00:37:40,176 --> 00:37:41,195
"You touch my bag, I'll tell.
1053
00:37:41,219 --> 00:37:42,387
I'll fucking tell."
1054
00:37:43,972 --> 00:37:45,598
I'll never forget it.
This a true story.
1055
00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:47,517
We're landing in Mexico.
Plane go down.
1056
00:37:50,103 --> 00:37:51,998
I look out the window, looked
like an episode of "Narcos."
1057
00:37:52,022 --> 00:37:54,941
I've never seen more Mexican
officers in my goddamn life.
1058
00:37:54,983 --> 00:37:56,693
They standing there.
They got the dogs.
1059
00:37:56,735 --> 00:38:01,072
I've never seen dogs look
through the window of a plane.
1060
00:38:01,114 --> 00:38:03,616
The dogs.
1061
00:38:03,658 --> 00:38:05,410
When I saw that,
When I saw the dogs,
1062
00:38:05,452 --> 00:38:08,204
I said, "Oh, boy.
1063
00:38:08,246 --> 00:38:12,042
"Y'all going to jail.
Y'all going to fucking jail.
1064
00:38:12,083 --> 00:38:14,794
They smell it.
The dogs smell it already."
1065
00:38:16,379 --> 00:38:19,424
Little Mexican man comes on the
plane after the door go down.
1066
00:38:19,466 --> 00:38:20,884
He starts speaking Spanish.
1067
00:38:20,925 --> 00:38:22,594
Keep in mind,
I don't know Spanish.
1068
00:38:22,635 --> 00:38:24,721
I know a couple words,
and I know the rhythm.
1069
00:38:24,763 --> 00:38:26,890
I know the rhythm of Spanish.
1070
00:38:26,931 --> 00:38:30,060
For the purpose of this joke,
I'ma hit you with the rhythm.
1071
00:38:30,101 --> 00:38:31,912
The reason why is because
I want you to feel like
1072
00:38:31,936 --> 00:38:32,771
you were there.
1073
00:38:32,812 --> 00:38:35,357
I'm telling you ahead of time
1074
00:38:35,398 --> 00:38:38,485
these are not real words, OK?
1075
00:38:38,526 --> 00:38:39,861
They're not real words.
1076
00:38:39,903 --> 00:38:43,073
It's gonna sound like it,
but it's just a rhythm.
1077
00:38:43,114 --> 00:38:44,324
But don't make me laugh,
1078
00:38:44,366 --> 00:38:45,509
'cause I gotta stay
in the character.
1079
00:38:45,533 --> 00:38:47,118
Don't make me fucking laugh.
1080
00:38:52,082 --> 00:38:53,541
So he started off...
1081
00:38:53,583 --> 00:38:55,377
He started off calm
and then escalated.
1082
00:38:55,418 --> 00:38:57,462
This is exactly what he did, OK?
1083
00:39:08,264 --> 00:39:11,142
Dónde, hmm?
1084
00:39:11,184 --> 00:39:13,103
Hmm?
1085
00:39:13,144 --> 00:39:16,231
Dónde... dónde... dónde está?
1086
00:39:16,272 --> 00:39:17,941
Hmm?
1087
00:39:38,795 --> 00:39:39,963
He looking right at me.
1088
00:39:40,005 --> 00:39:41,065
He looking me dead
in the fucking eye.
1089
00:39:41,089 --> 00:39:43,341
He go, "Qué?
1090
00:39:43,383 --> 00:39:45,135
Qué?"
1091
00:39:45,176 --> 00:39:47,554
I don't know what the fuck
"qué" mean,
1092
00:39:47,595 --> 00:39:48,722
but he want an answer.
1093
00:39:48,763 --> 00:39:49,907
He looking right at me.
I panicked.
1094
00:39:49,931 --> 00:39:51,433
I didn't know
what to fucking do.
1095
00:39:51,474 --> 00:39:53,018
I panicked.
I said, "Queso."
1096
00:39:53,059 --> 00:39:56,855
I just said it.
I said, "Queso."
1097
00:39:56,896 --> 00:39:58,857
I thought about the cheese,
queso cheese.
1098
00:39:58,898 --> 00:40:01,067
I don't know what the fuck.
1099
00:40:01,109 --> 00:40:02,610
"Queso."
1100
00:40:03,945 --> 00:40:05,613
He thought I was being
a smart-ass.
1101
00:40:05,655 --> 00:40:07,866
He said, "Oh."
1102
00:40:10,285 --> 00:40:13,079
"Queso, ah.
1103
00:40:13,121 --> 00:40:14,289
Hmm."
1104
00:40:16,916 --> 00:40:18,793
You ever hear Spanish people
talk real fast
1105
00:40:18,835 --> 00:40:22,047
and it just sound like
a bunch of clicks?
1106
00:40:22,088 --> 00:40:23,131
This is what he said.
1107
00:40:45,153 --> 00:40:46,738
Fuck.
1108
00:40:46,780 --> 00:40:48,007
This is it.
This is my nightmare.
1109
00:40:48,031 --> 00:40:48,990
We going to jail.
1110
00:40:49,032 --> 00:40:51,451
I get up.
Ah!
1111
00:40:51,493 --> 00:40:52,452
I got my hands up.
1112
00:40:52,494 --> 00:40:54,120
I'm cooperating.
1113
00:40:54,162 --> 00:40:55,413
We get off the plane.
1114
00:40:55,455 --> 00:40:56,557
They got a security booth
right there.
1115
00:40:56,581 --> 00:40:58,124
You gotta get in the booth
one by one.
1116
00:40:58,166 --> 00:40:59,852
When you get in the booth,
you gotta press a button.
1117
00:40:59,876 --> 00:41:02,545
When you press the button,
it go red light or green light.
1118
00:41:02,587 --> 00:41:03,814
Let me tell you something
right now.
1119
00:41:03,838 --> 00:41:06,424
If you press that button
and you get a red light,
1120
00:41:06,466 --> 00:41:08,051
ho, you can cancel Christmas.
1121
00:41:08,093 --> 00:41:09,135
It's over for you.
1122
00:41:09,177 --> 00:41:10,345
You hear me?
1123
00:41:10,387 --> 00:41:12,305
It's over for you.
1124
00:41:12,347 --> 00:41:14,557
They get dark as fuck
when you press that button
1125
00:41:14,599 --> 00:41:16,309
and it's red.
1126
00:41:21,231 --> 00:41:22,416
You press the button
and it's green,
1127
00:41:22,440 --> 00:41:24,067
they're a different person.
1128
00:41:24,109 --> 00:41:27,070
"Qué pasa?"
1129
00:41:27,112 --> 00:41:29,030
Put a fucking hat on you,
start dancing.
1130
00:41:31,658 --> 00:41:33,177
You don't want to dance,
but you're scared,
1131
00:41:33,201 --> 00:41:35,245
so you do it anyway, ah.
1132
00:41:36,746 --> 00:41:38,665
Please don't kill me.
1133
00:41:40,041 --> 00:41:41,126
I'm first.
1134
00:41:41,167 --> 00:41:42,353
I gotta press
the fucking button.
1135
00:41:42,377 --> 00:41:43,377
He looking right at me.
1136
00:42:01,813 --> 00:42:03,231
I almost said...
1137
00:42:05,150 --> 00:42:07,068
I almost said,
"They got drugs."
1138
00:42:07,110 --> 00:42:08,820
I swear to God.
1139
00:42:08,862 --> 00:42:10,589
I was fucking nervous.
My stomach was bubbling.
1140
00:42:10,613 --> 00:42:13,241
My ass was wet.
I was farting.
1141
00:42:13,283 --> 00:42:14,242
It was too much.
1142
00:42:14,284 --> 00:42:15,744
I was nervous.
1143
00:42:25,045 --> 00:42:26,546
I hit that bitch.
Bow.
1144
00:42:26,588 --> 00:42:29,257
Backed up, looked up like
it was the "Wheel of Fortune."
1145
00:42:29,299 --> 00:42:31,926
It said red, green,
1146
00:42:31,968 --> 00:42:35,388
red, green, red, green.
1147
00:42:35,430 --> 00:42:36,681
It stopped on green.
1148
00:42:36,723 --> 00:42:37,783
Let me tell you
how childish I am.
1149
00:42:37,807 --> 00:42:39,601
When it stopped
on green, I went.
1150
00:42:39,642 --> 00:42:41,478
I grabbed my bag.
I didn't look at nobody.
1151
00:42:41,519 --> 00:42:44,522
I just walked off the tarmac.
1152
00:42:44,564 --> 00:42:47,150
I walked the fuck
off the tarmac.
1153
00:42:47,192 --> 00:42:48,902
I saved myself.
1154
00:42:49,944 --> 00:42:51,321
I could hear my friends.
1155
00:42:51,363 --> 00:42:53,365
They was like, "Kev,
grab the bag with the drugs.
1156
00:42:53,406 --> 00:42:55,116
"Get the bag with the drugs.
1157
00:42:55,158 --> 00:42:56,409
"Get the bag with the drugs.
1158
00:42:56,451 --> 00:42:57,911
Get the bag with the drugs."
1159
00:42:57,952 --> 00:43:01,247
I said, "No hable ingles."
1160
00:43:02,791 --> 00:43:07,212
"No hable ingles.
1161
00:43:07,253 --> 00:43:09,422
"Y'all going to jail.
1162
00:43:09,464 --> 00:43:10,965
Jail-io, all y'all."
1163
00:43:12,967 --> 00:43:14,177
"I'm going to the resort.
1164
00:43:14,219 --> 00:43:16,638
"Maybe I'll see you there.
Maybe I won't.
1165
00:43:16,680 --> 00:43:19,474
I didn't bring the drugs.
You did."
1166
00:43:19,516 --> 00:43:22,310
That's what I did.
I went to the fucking resort.
1167
00:43:22,352 --> 00:43:25,105
I was at that bitch
for two hours by myself.
1168
00:43:25,146 --> 00:43:26,606
At that point, I just figured.
1169
00:43:26,648 --> 00:43:27,833
You know, I guess
it is what it is.
1170
00:43:27,857 --> 00:43:30,276
I don't know.
1171
00:43:30,318 --> 00:43:32,570
They all got there in, like,
two hours and 30 minutes.
1172
00:43:32,612 --> 00:43:33,780
Nobody went to jail.
1173
00:43:33,822 --> 00:43:35,824
Everybody made it through.
1174
00:43:35,865 --> 00:43:36,884
Here's why I gotta
do better as a friend,
1175
00:43:36,908 --> 00:43:38,284
'cause I'm the first one.
1176
00:43:38,326 --> 00:43:40,704
I'm the first person
after everybody gets settled.
1177
00:43:40,745 --> 00:43:41,847
Everybody gets situated,
settled,
1178
00:43:41,871 --> 00:43:43,248
and everybody's relaxed.
1179
00:43:43,289 --> 00:43:44,416
I'm the first one to go,
1180
00:43:44,457 --> 00:43:45,583
"Yo.
1181
00:43:45,625 --> 00:43:48,003
"Hey.
1182
00:43:48,044 --> 00:43:49,129
"Look.
1183
00:43:49,170 --> 00:43:51,047
"Yo.
1184
00:43:51,089 --> 00:43:53,591
"Let me...
1185
00:43:53,633 --> 00:43:54,819
"Let me get a little bit
of that weed.
1186
00:43:54,843 --> 00:43:56,177
Where the weed at?"
1187
00:43:57,887 --> 00:44:01,474
"We did it!
1188
00:44:01,516 --> 00:44:04,102
"We made it through, man.
1189
00:44:04,144 --> 00:44:07,522
Teamwork made
the dream work, baby."
1190
00:44:07,564 --> 00:44:08,690
"Shut the fuck up, Kev."
1191
00:44:08,732 --> 00:44:10,233
"All right, I understand."
1192
00:44:12,027 --> 00:44:14,279
My friends are special.
1193
00:44:14,320 --> 00:44:16,781
I got a good group, man.
I got a real good group.
1194
00:44:16,823 --> 00:44:18,116
I do.
1195
00:44:18,158 --> 00:44:19,301
Every time that they have had
to be there,
1196
00:44:19,325 --> 00:44:20,535
they've been there.
1197
00:44:20,577 --> 00:44:21,679
My friends have never
not been there for me.
1198
00:44:21,703 --> 00:44:22,871
There's only one time
1199
00:44:22,912 --> 00:44:24,414
where they had to, like,
reel me back,
1200
00:44:24,456 --> 00:44:26,833
where I was in too deep
and they had to, like, grab me
1201
00:44:26,875 --> 00:44:28,585
and make me get ahold of myself.
1202
00:44:28,626 --> 00:44:32,005
This is when social media
in the beginning stages, like,
1203
00:44:32,047 --> 00:44:33,399
was getting out of hand
a little bit,
1204
00:44:33,423 --> 00:44:35,383
when the live feature
had first started.
1205
00:44:35,425 --> 00:44:36,968
You can go live.
1206
00:44:37,010 --> 00:44:38,154
You can click
on somebody's live.
1207
00:44:38,178 --> 00:44:40,305
The whole world
can watch your live.
1208
00:44:40,347 --> 00:44:41,615
Gotta remember,
I got a lot of followers
1209
00:44:41,639 --> 00:44:42,640
on social media.
1210
00:44:42,682 --> 00:44:43,850
200-some million people.
1211
00:44:43,892 --> 00:44:45,143
That shit can go to your head.
1212
00:44:45,185 --> 00:44:46,620
I was treating it
like a fucking weapon.
1213
00:44:46,644 --> 00:44:49,356
I wish you would tell me
you couldn't do something.
1214
00:44:49,397 --> 00:44:50,607
I was snapping,
1215
00:44:50,648 --> 00:44:52,984
showing up in restaurants
with no reservation.
1216
00:44:53,026 --> 00:44:55,236
Kevin Hart.
I need a table for 25.
1217
00:44:55,278 --> 00:44:56,404
Did you call?
1218
00:44:56,446 --> 00:44:57,798
Bitch, you want me
to go live right now?
1219
00:44:57,822 --> 00:45:00,158
Shut this whole
fucking place down.
1220
00:45:00,200 --> 00:45:01,326
Kev, chill.
Shut up, bitch,
1221
00:45:01,368 --> 00:45:02,369
before I go live on you.
1222
00:45:02,410 --> 00:45:03,411
Everybody back up.
1223
00:45:03,453 --> 00:45:04,371
Back the fuck up right now.
1224
00:45:04,412 --> 00:45:05,622
Get back.
1225
00:45:05,663 --> 00:45:07,957
Everybody get the fuck back
before I go live.
1226
00:45:07,999 --> 00:45:10,460
I lost my mind.
1227
00:45:10,502 --> 00:45:12,837
What it was is, social media
was getting so negative.
1228
00:45:12,879 --> 00:45:14,756
It was way too negative.
1229
00:45:14,798 --> 00:45:17,467
I was consuming
too much negativity.
1230
00:45:17,509 --> 00:45:19,070
I'ma tell you the video
that really made me back off
1231
00:45:19,094 --> 00:45:20,720
social media,
made me put it down.
1232
00:45:20,762 --> 00:45:22,573
When you guys leave, I want you
to Google this as well.
1233
00:45:22,597 --> 00:45:24,891
This is Googleable as well.
1234
00:45:24,933 --> 00:45:26,810
It's a video
of a barista arguing
1235
00:45:26,851 --> 00:45:28,228
with a woman in a coffee shop.
1236
00:45:28,269 --> 00:45:29,413
She's arguing with the woman
'cause the woman's
1237
00:45:29,437 --> 00:45:30,438
not wearing a mask.
1238
00:45:30,480 --> 00:45:31,523
Woman without a mask goes,
1239
00:45:31,564 --> 00:45:32,833
"Can I get a little cup
of coffee?"
1240
00:45:32,857 --> 00:45:33,775
Says, "I can't serve you
'cause you're not
1241
00:45:33,817 --> 00:45:34,984
wearing a mask."
1242
00:45:35,026 --> 00:45:36,045
She says,
"I just want a little cup."
1243
00:45:36,069 --> 00:45:37,445
"Don't matter what you want.
1244
00:45:37,487 --> 00:45:38,798
You're not wearing a mask.
I can't give you nothing."
1245
00:45:38,822 --> 00:45:39,924
She said, "Come on,
don't be a bitch."
1246
00:45:39,948 --> 00:45:41,199
"Don't call me a bitch."
1247
00:45:41,241 --> 00:45:42,677
"Well, you being a bitch."
"Fuck you, bitch."
1248
00:45:42,701 --> 00:45:44,035
"Fuck you, bitch."
"Dumb bitch."
1249
00:45:44,077 --> 00:45:45,745
"Stupid bitch."
"Ho bitch."
1250
00:45:45,787 --> 00:45:46,913
"Slut bitch."
1251
00:45:46,955 --> 00:45:48,474
Out of nowhere,
the woman without a mask
1252
00:45:48,498 --> 00:45:50,125
pulls her pants down,
takes a shit,
1253
00:45:50,166 --> 00:45:52,752
starts throwing it
behind the person.
1254
00:45:52,794 --> 00:45:54,254
Yeah. Don't believe me?
Google it.
1255
00:45:54,295 --> 00:45:57,257
Google it
when you fucking leave.
1256
00:45:57,298 --> 00:45:58,967
Now, your reaction
is different from mine.
1257
00:45:59,009 --> 00:46:00,510
I was blown away.
1258
00:46:00,552 --> 00:46:03,054
I was blown away
by this woman's ability
1259
00:46:03,096 --> 00:46:04,973
to shit on command.
1260
00:46:05,015 --> 00:46:07,267
I've never seen
anything like it.
1261
00:46:07,308 --> 00:46:09,978
She didn't shit on the floor
and pick it up and throw it.
1262
00:46:10,020 --> 00:46:11,438
These were individual nuggets.
1263
00:46:11,479 --> 00:46:12,814
Bow!
1264
00:46:13,732 --> 00:46:14,983
Bow!
1265
00:46:15,775 --> 00:46:17,152
Bow!
1266
00:46:17,193 --> 00:46:18,236
Three.
1267
00:46:18,278 --> 00:46:20,447
Three solid rockets
out of the ass.
1268
00:46:21,865 --> 00:46:23,283
You gotta watch
the fucking video.
1269
00:46:23,324 --> 00:46:25,910
In the middle of the video,
a Black girl just run by.
1270
00:46:25,952 --> 00:46:27,954
"They throwing shit in here."
1271
00:46:29,456 --> 00:46:30,874
You can hear her.
1272
00:46:30,915 --> 00:46:34,044
"They don't pay me enough
for this shit."
1273
00:46:34,085 --> 00:46:36,004
You gotta watch
the fucking video.
1274
00:46:37,547 --> 00:46:39,883
Shit that really made me laugh
is the guy taping it,
1275
00:46:39,924 --> 00:46:41,301
'cause he in the corner.
1276
00:46:41,343 --> 00:46:43,345
You can't see him.
This is what he says.
1277
00:46:43,386 --> 00:46:46,931
He goes, "This the best angle
I could get, y'all."
1278
00:46:49,476 --> 00:46:53,063
Who asked for this footage, sir?
1279
00:46:53,104 --> 00:46:55,815
They're throwing shit in there.
1280
00:46:55,857 --> 00:46:57,251
I don't know about y'all,
but if I get hit
1281
00:46:57,275 --> 00:46:59,903
with a piece of shit,
my life is over.
1282
00:46:59,944 --> 00:47:01,863
It's over for me.
1283
00:47:01,905 --> 00:47:04,199
A piece of human shit
1284
00:47:04,240 --> 00:47:07,535
to the temple at 7:00 a.m.?
1285
00:47:07,577 --> 00:47:10,246
Fuck that.
Fuck that.
1286
00:47:10,288 --> 00:47:12,165
Put your dick in my grits.
1287
00:47:12,207 --> 00:47:16,169
I'll take dick in grits all day.
1288
00:47:16,211 --> 00:47:21,049
Slam your dick in my grits,
Mr. Dick Slammer.
1289
00:47:21,091 --> 00:47:22,926
I don't want to get hit
with a piece of shit
1290
00:47:22,967 --> 00:47:25,345
in the goddamn temple.
1291
00:47:25,387 --> 00:47:28,348
You're never gonna
live that down.
1292
00:47:28,390 --> 00:47:31,685
7:00 a.m., you in the best mood
of your fucking life.
1293
00:47:31,726 --> 00:47:33,061
Good morning.
1294
00:47:33,103 --> 00:47:34,562
How y'all doing?
1295
00:47:34,604 --> 00:47:36,314
Hey, Carl, let me get
two vanilla lattes
1296
00:47:36,356 --> 00:47:38,566
and two extra pumps of syrup.
1297
00:47:38,608 --> 00:47:40,026
Yeah.
1298
00:47:40,068 --> 00:47:41,695
You too, man.
I know that's right.
1299
00:47:41,736 --> 00:47:43,863
Yeah.
1300
00:47:43,905 --> 00:47:45,448
The fuck just happened?
1301
00:47:47,742 --> 00:47:49,619
The fuck just happened in here?
1302
00:47:54,582 --> 00:47:56,102
Something just hit me
in the fucking head.
1303
00:47:56,126 --> 00:47:58,211
What the fuck?
1304
00:47:58,253 --> 00:47:59,379
What the fuck is this?
1305
00:47:59,421 --> 00:48:01,464
What the fuck
is going on with this?
1306
00:48:01,506 --> 00:48:02,507
Now, hold on, now.
1307
00:48:02,549 --> 00:48:04,384
Now, hold on.
1308
00:48:04,426 --> 00:48:06,511
This better not be what
the fuck I think it is.
1309
00:48:09,639 --> 00:48:10,807
This is shit.
1310
00:48:10,849 --> 00:48:13,852
Somebody just hit me
with a piece of shit.
1311
00:48:13,893 --> 00:48:15,788
You gotta ask the question
you thought you would never
1312
00:48:15,812 --> 00:48:17,939
ask in your goddamn life.
1313
00:48:17,981 --> 00:48:22,277
Who just threw
that piece of shit at me?
1314
00:48:22,318 --> 00:48:24,571
I want to see everybody hands.
1315
00:48:24,612 --> 00:48:27,741
If I see shit on anybody hands,
I swear to God.
1316
00:48:27,782 --> 00:48:29,909
"Hey, I got grits on my dick.
1317
00:48:29,951 --> 00:48:32,996
"That's as far as I go.
1318
00:48:33,038 --> 00:48:35,248
I ain't that nasty.
That's nasty, now."
1319
00:48:35,290 --> 00:48:36,541
"Throwing shit is disgusting.
1320
00:48:36,583 --> 00:48:38,168
"I'll put my dick
in grits all day.
1321
00:48:38,209 --> 00:48:40,462
That's where I draw the line."
1322
00:48:41,796 --> 00:48:43,089
Social media.
1323
00:48:43,131 --> 00:48:45,008
Social media had me fucked up.
1324
00:48:45,050 --> 00:48:46,426
Social media had me believing
1325
00:48:46,468 --> 00:48:49,346
that I was an activist
for one day.
1326
00:48:49,387 --> 00:48:51,598
For one day I, got caught up.
1327
00:48:51,639 --> 00:48:53,224
I got caught up bad, man.
1328
00:48:53,266 --> 00:48:55,101
This is when the George Floyd
stuff happened.
1329
00:48:55,143 --> 00:48:57,145
Black Lives Matter protests
was going on.
1330
00:48:57,187 --> 00:48:59,439
I was pissed.
I was emotional.
1331
00:48:59,481 --> 00:49:01,232
Went on Twitter,
tweeted some shit.
1332
00:49:01,274 --> 00:49:03,443
Sick of this shit.
1333
00:49:08,573 --> 00:49:10,825
Tweet.
1334
00:49:10,867 --> 00:49:11,951
People start retweeting it.
1335
00:49:11,993 --> 00:49:13,453
Fuck yeah, Kev.
Hell yeah, Kev.
1336
00:49:13,495 --> 00:49:15,538
That's what I'm talking about.
Talk your shit.
1337
00:49:15,580 --> 00:49:17,058
Say it again for the people in
the back that didn't hear you.
1338
00:49:17,082 --> 00:49:19,709
Fine, I will.
1339
00:49:23,797 --> 00:49:25,048
Tweet.
1340
00:49:25,090 --> 00:49:26,633
Hell yeah, Kev.
1341
00:49:26,675 --> 00:49:28,635
That's what I'm talking about,
Black man.
1342
00:49:28,677 --> 00:49:30,595
Way to talk your shit,
Black man.
1343
00:49:30,637 --> 00:49:32,889
Way to be there
for your people, Black king.
1344
00:49:35,725 --> 00:49:36,935
He called me a Black king.
1345
00:49:36,976 --> 00:49:39,020
I ain't never been called
a Black king before.
1346
00:49:39,062 --> 00:49:40,397
Shit went right to my head.
1347
00:49:40,438 --> 00:49:41,815
Yeah.
1348
00:49:41,856 --> 00:49:44,067
Yeah.
1349
00:49:45,610 --> 00:49:46,945
My people need me.
1350
00:49:46,986 --> 00:49:48,780
They need me.
1351
00:49:48,822 --> 00:49:51,491
Sent out, like,
1,000 fucking tweets.
1352
00:49:51,533 --> 00:49:53,660
I was doing a movie
for Universal at the time.
1353
00:49:53,702 --> 00:49:55,078
Universal called me.
1354
00:49:55,120 --> 00:49:56,579
Whoa.
1355
00:49:58,707 --> 00:50:00,333
Whoa.
1356
00:50:00,375 --> 00:50:03,837
They're like, "Kev, hey.
1357
00:50:03,878 --> 00:50:05,088
"We saw your tweets.
1358
00:50:05,130 --> 00:50:06,357
"Listen, first of all,
we're with you.
1359
00:50:06,381 --> 00:50:07,757
"OK?
We're your partners.
1360
00:50:07,799 --> 00:50:09,467
We're here for you.
We got your back."
1361
00:50:09,509 --> 00:50:10,778
By the way, they're talking
to me like this
1362
00:50:10,802 --> 00:50:12,321
because they believe
that I'm an activist.
1363
00:50:12,345 --> 00:50:13,847
Once again, I'm not an activist.
1364
00:50:13,888 --> 00:50:15,140
I'm just caught up in the shit.
1365
00:50:15,181 --> 00:50:16,951
When you start the shit,
you can't stop the shit
1366
00:50:16,975 --> 00:50:18,018
till you finish the shit.
1367
00:50:18,059 --> 00:50:19,811
I'm in the shit.
1368
00:50:19,853 --> 00:50:21,062
They said, "Kev, listen.
1369
00:50:21,104 --> 00:50:22,289
"You want to take
the company plane,
1370
00:50:22,313 --> 00:50:23,791
"go down there
to the memorial service?
1371
00:50:23,815 --> 00:50:25,251
"You want to take
your friends, family?
1372
00:50:25,275 --> 00:50:27,193
"You can, all right?
We'll send some partners.
1373
00:50:27,235 --> 00:50:28,379
"We'll make it
a teachable moment.
1374
00:50:28,403 --> 00:50:29,630
"All you gotta do
is say the word.
1375
00:50:29,654 --> 00:50:31,215
"Do you want the plane?
Say the word, Kev.
1376
00:50:31,239 --> 00:50:33,158
It's yours.
Do you want the plane?"
1377
00:50:38,830 --> 00:50:41,249
Fuck yeah, I want the plane.
1378
00:50:41,291 --> 00:50:43,209
They gave me the goddamn plane.
1379
00:50:43,251 --> 00:50:44,294
This is big.
1380
00:50:44,336 --> 00:50:45,628
I show up at the plane.
1381
00:50:45,670 --> 00:50:47,547
By the way, I didn't know
what to bring.
1382
00:50:47,589 --> 00:50:49,608
I didn't pack any bags.
This is my first activist trip.
1383
00:50:49,632 --> 00:50:51,718
I just showed up.
1384
00:50:51,760 --> 00:50:53,404
When I get there,
the first two people I see
1385
00:50:53,428 --> 00:50:55,764
is Tyrese and Ludacris, right?
1386
00:50:55,805 --> 00:50:57,223
First two people.
Yeah.
1387
00:50:57,265 --> 00:50:58,683
When I saw them, I knew.
1388
00:50:58,725 --> 00:51:00,161
I knew off the bat that this
was a fucking mistake.
1389
00:51:00,185 --> 00:51:01,686
"I want to go home."
1390
00:51:01,728 --> 00:51:02,812
I said that.
1391
00:51:02,854 --> 00:51:05,357
I want to go home.
It don't look right.
1392
00:51:05,398 --> 00:51:07,209
Why the fuck they send
the cast of "Fast & Furious"
1393
00:51:07,233 --> 00:51:08,193
out this bitch?
1394
00:51:08,234 --> 00:51:10,111
It don't look right.
1395
00:51:12,113 --> 00:51:13,239
I get on the goddamn plane.
1396
00:51:13,281 --> 00:51:14,574
T.I. come out the bathroom.
1397
00:51:14,616 --> 00:51:15,575
He looked at me.
1398
00:51:15,617 --> 00:51:16,719
He said, "Kev,
you think they got
1399
00:51:16,743 --> 00:51:18,012
metal detectors
where we're going?"
1400
00:51:18,036 --> 00:51:19,638
I said, "Why the fuck
would you ask me that?"
1401
00:51:19,662 --> 00:51:20,890
He said, "'Cause I want to know
if I should bring my bag."
1402
00:51:20,914 --> 00:51:22,332
I said, "What's in your bag?
1403
00:51:22,374 --> 00:51:24,751
"And before you tell me,
you should know that I'll tell.
1404
00:51:24,793 --> 00:51:27,420
"I'll fucking tell.
1405
00:51:27,462 --> 00:51:29,839
Ain't got time to deal
with your shit, Tip."
1406
00:51:31,424 --> 00:51:32,568
We on the plane,
they want to talk.
1407
00:51:32,592 --> 00:51:34,344
I don't want to talk.
I had a long day.
1408
00:51:34,386 --> 00:51:35,762
I'm going to sleep.
1409
00:51:35,804 --> 00:51:37,722
I wake up, nobody's dressed
the way they were
1410
00:51:37,764 --> 00:51:39,474
when I got on the goddamn plane.
1411
00:51:39,516 --> 00:51:41,267
Everybody's got on
activist wear.
1412
00:51:41,309 --> 00:51:42,352
They're wearing all black.
1413
00:51:42,394 --> 00:51:44,145
By the way, nobody told me.
1414
00:51:44,187 --> 00:51:48,608
I got a goddamn salmon-colored
V-neck on and some khakis.
1415
00:51:48,650 --> 00:51:50,318
Looking like Carlton
in his prime.
1416
00:51:50,360 --> 00:51:51,486
Nobody told me.
1417
00:51:53,321 --> 00:51:55,740
Tyrese got on the black beret,
black sunglasses,
1418
00:51:55,782 --> 00:51:57,784
black turtleneck,
black leather trench coat,
1419
00:51:57,826 --> 00:52:00,120
these black cargo pants,
and these combat boots
1420
00:52:00,161 --> 00:52:01,371
that came above his knee.
1421
00:52:01,413 --> 00:52:02,956
He looked like a male
Mary J. Blige.
1422
00:52:02,997 --> 00:52:06,710
I've never seen anything
like it in my fucking life.
1423
00:52:06,751 --> 00:52:09,713
I've never seen nothing like it.
1424
00:52:09,754 --> 00:52:11,339
Luda had his Afro picked out.
1425
00:52:11,381 --> 00:52:13,299
Tip got a fucking jumpsuit on.
1426
00:52:13,341 --> 00:52:15,677
It's ridiculous.
1427
00:52:15,719 --> 00:52:16,594
We get in an SUV.
1428
00:52:16,636 --> 00:52:17,697
We go to the memorial service.
1429
00:52:17,721 --> 00:52:19,514
When we pull up,
they outside protesting.
1430
00:52:19,556 --> 00:52:20,932
Black people all in the street.
1431
00:52:20,974 --> 00:52:22,684
Cops lined up
down the side of the street
1432
00:52:22,726 --> 00:52:24,060
with riot gear on.
1433
00:52:24,102 --> 00:52:26,646
Black man in the middle
with a bullhorn going off.
1434
00:52:26,688 --> 00:52:28,499
Black Lives Matter, and if you
don't think they matter,
1435
00:52:28,523 --> 00:52:29,625
then you're part of the problem.
1436
00:52:29,649 --> 00:52:30,984
And today we find a solution.
1437
00:52:31,026 --> 00:52:32,402
The solution is death.
1438
00:52:32,444 --> 00:52:34,130
Every Black person
that showed up here today
1439
00:52:34,154 --> 00:52:35,155
is willing to die.
1440
00:52:35,196 --> 00:52:37,282
We will all die today.
1441
00:52:37,323 --> 00:52:38,742
We don't give a fuck about life.
1442
00:52:38,783 --> 00:52:40,845
If you Black and you here,
it's 'cause you came to die.
1443
00:52:40,869 --> 00:52:43,329
If you Black and you
in this circle around me,
1444
00:52:43,371 --> 00:52:44,998
it's 'cause you ready
to die first.
1445
00:52:45,040 --> 00:52:46,332
I look down.
1446
00:52:46,374 --> 00:52:47,876
I'm in the fucking circle.
1447
00:52:47,917 --> 00:52:50,545
I said, "Wait a minute.
1448
00:52:50,587 --> 00:52:52,106
"That's not why I came.
I didn't come for that.
1449
00:52:52,130 --> 00:52:54,215
"That's not why I'm here.
1450
00:52:54,257 --> 00:52:55,901
"Once again, I don't think
y'all have my email address,
1451
00:52:55,925 --> 00:52:57,153
"'cause I'm not getting
these messages.
1452
00:52:57,177 --> 00:52:58,511
I'm not getting
these messages."
1453
00:52:58,553 --> 00:53:00,513
But I don't want to stop
what they got going on,
1454
00:53:00,555 --> 00:53:01,806
so I try to back out the circle
1455
00:53:01,848 --> 00:53:03,767
without drawing attention
to myself.
1456
00:53:03,808 --> 00:53:04,642
He see me.
1457
00:53:04,684 --> 00:53:06,019
He go, "Oh, shit, Kev Hart."
1458
00:53:06,061 --> 00:53:07,687
"I see you, Black king.
1459
00:53:07,729 --> 00:53:09,373
"Way to come out here
and be with your people.
1460
00:53:09,397 --> 00:53:10,583
Say something to your people."
1461
00:53:10,607 --> 00:53:11,858
He throw me the bullhorn.
1462
00:53:13,401 --> 00:53:16,321
I catch it.
1463
00:53:16,363 --> 00:53:18,281
Now I gotta give a speech.
1464
00:53:18,323 --> 00:53:19,467
I've never given
an activist speech.
1465
00:53:19,491 --> 00:53:21,034
I don't know what the fuck
to say,
1466
00:53:21,076 --> 00:53:22,369
but I cannot say nothing.
1467
00:53:22,410 --> 00:53:24,537
I have to say something.
1468
00:53:24,579 --> 00:53:27,916
Tyrese stupid ass
standing behind me
1469
00:53:27,957 --> 00:53:29,876
saying lines
from "Fast & Furious"
1470
00:53:29,918 --> 00:53:31,419
in my fucking ear.
1471
00:53:33,713 --> 00:53:36,049
"We family,
and we gonna be family."
1472
00:53:36,091 --> 00:53:37,592
"What?"
1473
00:53:37,634 --> 00:53:39,386
"All we got is family."
1474
00:53:39,427 --> 00:53:41,471
"Get the fuck back, Tyrese!"
1475
00:53:42,597 --> 00:53:44,766
He gonna back up just like Mary.
1476
00:53:50,563 --> 00:53:52,273
Now I gotta give a speech.
1477
00:53:52,315 --> 00:53:54,377
You ever say something and
while you're saying something,
1478
00:53:54,401 --> 00:53:55,586
you realize you're not
saying nothing
1479
00:53:55,610 --> 00:53:56,754
but you gotta keep trying
to say something
1480
00:53:56,778 --> 00:53:59,030
even though you know
it's nothing?
1481
00:53:59,072 --> 00:54:00,156
That was my fucking speech.
1482
00:54:00,198 --> 00:54:01,300
This is my speech word-for-word.
1483
00:54:01,324 --> 00:54:02,659
Verbatim, this is my speech.
1484
00:54:05,286 --> 00:54:06,788
A'ight.
1485
00:54:08,623 --> 00:54:11,376
Y'all already know what it is,
1486
00:54:11,418 --> 00:54:13,378
and what it is
is what it's gonna be.
1487
00:54:15,171 --> 00:54:17,841
'Cause at the end
of the day, hey.
1488
00:54:17,882 --> 00:54:19,009
Come on, now.
1489
00:54:20,927 --> 00:54:23,346
Don't make me sad.
1490
00:54:23,388 --> 00:54:27,767
1 plus 1 gonna be 2 every day.
1491
00:54:27,809 --> 00:54:29,269
I got enemies.
1492
00:54:29,310 --> 00:54:31,104
I got a lot of enemies,
1493
00:54:31,146 --> 00:54:33,815
but if I tell you a duck could
pull a truck, strap it up.
1494
00:54:33,857 --> 00:54:35,608
Shut the fuck up.
1495
00:54:37,318 --> 00:54:38,611
I panicked.
1496
00:54:38,653 --> 00:54:39,946
I ran out of shit to say.
1497
00:54:39,988 --> 00:54:41,322
I panicked.
1498
00:54:44,325 --> 00:54:46,953
T.I. got a gun
in his bag right now.
1499
00:54:50,206 --> 00:54:52,042
He a repeat offender.
1500
00:54:52,083 --> 00:54:54,336
Repeat offender.
1501
00:54:56,796 --> 00:54:58,274
I felt bad,
'cause they locked him up.
1502
00:54:58,298 --> 00:55:00,925
They locked his ass up
right there.
1503
00:55:00,967 --> 00:55:02,510
But at the same time,
I did my job.
1504
00:55:02,552 --> 00:55:04,155
That's one less bad person
on the streets.
1505
00:55:04,179 --> 00:55:06,639
You're welcome.
1506
00:55:06,681 --> 00:55:07,974
I asked God for another chance.
1507
00:55:08,016 --> 00:55:09,327
I said, "God, please
give me another chance
1508
00:55:09,351 --> 00:55:11,561
to be an activist,
'cause I did that one wrong."
1509
00:55:11,603 --> 00:55:12,937
God gave me another chance.
1510
00:55:12,979 --> 00:55:14,665
They were doing a peaceful
protest in Beverly Hills.
1511
00:55:14,689 --> 00:55:16,816
Black people were marching.
I'm going.
1512
00:55:16,858 --> 00:55:18,461
I need to be out there
with my fucking people.
1513
00:55:18,485 --> 00:55:20,278
This time, I'ma do it right.
1514
00:55:20,320 --> 00:55:22,655
I brought a glove.
I made a sign.
1515
00:55:22,697 --> 00:55:24,657
Spent all day
making my goddamn sign.
1516
00:55:24,699 --> 00:55:27,160
Put blood, sweat, and tears
into this goddamn sign.
1517
00:55:27,202 --> 00:55:30,205
I wanted people to read my sign
and get an immediate feeling
1518
00:55:30,246 --> 00:55:31,414
attached to emotion.
1519
00:55:31,456 --> 00:55:33,875
I wanted that sign
to have an impact.
1520
00:55:33,917 --> 00:55:35,293
Made that sign.
1521
00:55:35,335 --> 00:55:36,854
I went out there and marched,
held my sign up high.
1522
00:55:36,878 --> 00:55:38,296
I'll never fucking forget it.
1523
00:55:38,338 --> 00:55:39,673
Marching.
1524
00:55:39,714 --> 00:55:41,299
While I'm marching,
I hear this noise.
1525
00:55:41,341 --> 00:55:42,676
Psss.
1526
00:55:42,717 --> 00:55:43,843
That's what I heard.
1527
00:55:43,885 --> 00:55:45,637
Psss.
1528
00:55:45,679 --> 00:55:47,198
When I first heard it,
first thing I thought is,
1529
00:55:47,222 --> 00:55:48,348
somebody pissed my dad off.
1530
00:55:48,390 --> 00:55:49,349
He giving himself a boost.
1531
00:55:49,391 --> 00:55:51,184
That's my dad, right?
1532
00:55:51,226 --> 00:55:52,394
He about to fuck somebody up.
1533
00:55:52,435 --> 00:55:54,562
20 seconds.
It's going down.
1534
00:55:54,604 --> 00:55:55,998
But then somebody
yelled out, "Oh, my God.
1535
00:55:56,022 --> 00:55:57,249
"They're throwing
tear gas at us.
1536
00:55:57,273 --> 00:55:58,525
Run!"
"What?"
1537
00:55:58,566 --> 00:56:00,402
"They throwing tear gas.
Run!"
1538
00:56:00,443 --> 00:56:01,986
I see it.
1539
00:56:02,028 --> 00:56:03,655
That's real tear gas.
Fuck.
1540
00:56:03,697 --> 00:56:05,240
I'm in it.
I'm in the shit.
1541
00:56:05,281 --> 00:56:06,282
I start running.
1542
00:56:06,324 --> 00:56:07,450
This is real chaos.
1543
00:56:07,492 --> 00:56:08,451
This is not a joke.
1544
00:56:08,493 --> 00:56:10,036
I'm in the middle of it.
1545
00:56:10,078 --> 00:56:11,871
While I'm running,
fucking I'm in there,
1546
00:56:11,913 --> 00:56:13,206
the Black guy in the front goes,
1547
00:56:13,248 --> 00:56:14,666
"Hey, y'all know the drill.
1548
00:56:14,708 --> 00:56:15,709
We ain't new to this.
1549
00:56:15,750 --> 00:56:18,086
Mask up.
Put your goggles on."
1550
00:56:23,758 --> 00:56:24,819
Ain't nobody tell me to bring...
1551
00:56:24,843 --> 00:56:25,903
I don't have no goddamn goggles.
1552
00:56:25,927 --> 00:56:27,303
Where I'm supposed
to get goggles?
1553
00:56:27,345 --> 00:56:29,407
Once again, I don't think
y'all have my email address.
1554
00:56:29,431 --> 00:56:32,392
I'm not getting these messages.
1555
00:56:32,434 --> 00:56:33,619
While we running,
Black guy next to me
1556
00:56:33,643 --> 00:56:34,662
gets shot with a rubber bullet.
1557
00:56:34,686 --> 00:56:36,479
Bow!
I'm right here.
1558
00:56:36,521 --> 00:56:37,772
I see it.
Bow!
1559
00:56:37,814 --> 00:56:41,192
He said, "Fuck!"
1560
00:56:41,234 --> 00:56:42,902
He said...
He looked right at me.
1561
00:56:42,944 --> 00:56:45,405
He said...
"I hate this part."
1562
00:56:45,447 --> 00:56:49,117
I said, "Excuse me, sir?"
1563
00:56:49,159 --> 00:56:51,411
"This part?
1564
00:56:51,453 --> 00:56:54,414
Well, how many parts
are there, sir?"
1565
00:56:54,456 --> 00:56:56,666
Now I'm fucking scared.
1566
00:56:56,708 --> 00:56:58,918
I pick up the pace.
I start running.
1567
00:56:58,960 --> 00:57:00,104
I catch up to the Black guy
in the front.
1568
00:57:00,128 --> 00:57:03,298
I grab his arm.
I said, "Hey, man. Hey!
1569
00:57:03,340 --> 00:57:04,424
"What's the plan?
1570
00:57:04,466 --> 00:57:06,343
What's the fucking plan?"
1571
00:57:06,384 --> 00:57:08,237
He looked me dead in the eyes.
I'll never forget it.
1572
00:57:08,261 --> 00:57:09,596
I said, "What's the plan?"
1573
00:57:09,637 --> 00:57:12,098
He said,
"Nigga, you better go home."
1574
00:57:12,140 --> 00:57:14,351
I said, "What?"
1575
00:57:14,392 --> 00:57:16,561
"Nigga, you better take
your stupid ass home,
1576
00:57:16,603 --> 00:57:19,064
"out here running around
in them dumb-ass khakis,
1577
00:57:19,105 --> 00:57:21,775
"holding up
that stupid-ass sign.
1578
00:57:21,816 --> 00:57:23,085
"What the fuck
does that sign say?
1579
00:57:23,109 --> 00:57:24,611
Does that say,
'Black people rock'?"
1580
00:57:24,652 --> 00:57:26,571
I said, "Yes, it does."
1581
00:57:27,405 --> 00:57:29,342
He said, "What the fuck
that got to do with anything?"
1582
00:57:29,366 --> 00:57:31,659
I said, "Mm-mm-mm."
1583
00:57:31,701 --> 00:57:32,887
He said,
"Take your stupid ass home
1584
00:57:32,911 --> 00:57:34,013
before you get yourself
killed."
1585
00:57:34,037 --> 00:57:36,331
I got emotional.
I start crying.
1586
00:57:36,373 --> 00:57:37,749
"I can't.
It's not that easy.
1587
00:57:37,791 --> 00:57:39,501
I can't just leave.
I can't."
1588
00:57:39,542 --> 00:57:41,127
He said, "Why not?"
1589
00:57:41,169 --> 00:57:42,688
I said, "Because I don't know
where I parked at.
1590
00:57:42,712 --> 00:57:44,964
We been running
for a long time."
1591
00:57:45,006 --> 00:57:46,800
I took out my valet ticket.
I gave it to him.
1592
00:57:46,841 --> 00:57:49,803
I said, "Can you help me
find my car, please?
1593
00:57:49,844 --> 00:57:51,596
"I'll tip you
if you help me find my car.
1594
00:57:51,638 --> 00:57:52,972
I'll tip you."
1595
00:57:53,014 --> 00:57:54,367
He said, "I don't know
where your fucking car at.
1596
00:57:54,391 --> 00:57:56,643
You better ask
one of them niggas over there."
1597
00:57:56,685 --> 00:57:59,020
I said, "Excuse me.
1598
00:57:59,062 --> 00:58:00,271
"Excuse me.
1599
00:58:00,313 --> 00:58:02,524
"Niggas over there,
1600
00:58:02,565 --> 00:58:04,067
can y'all help me find my car?"
1601
00:58:04,109 --> 00:58:05,985
One of them turned around.
He was Mexican.
1602
00:58:06,027 --> 00:58:10,532
He looked at me.
He said, "Oh.
1603
00:58:10,573 --> 00:58:13,827
Queso, huh?"
1604
00:58:13,868 --> 00:58:15,346
Ladies and gentlemen,
that will do it for me.
1605
00:58:15,370 --> 00:58:17,372
That is my time.
Thank you all.
1606
00:58:19,124 --> 00:58:20,583
I appreciate you, Vegas.
1607
00:58:20,625 --> 00:58:23,211
Thank you so much.
1608
00:58:23,253 --> 00:58:27,090
From the top of this bitch
to the bottom, thank you all.
1609
00:58:27,132 --> 00:58:29,175
I love you.
1610
00:58:29,217 --> 00:58:31,678
I thank you.
1611
00:58:31,720 --> 00:58:33,346
There's no me without you.
1612
00:58:33,388 --> 00:58:34,931
This was dope as fuck.
1613
00:58:34,973 --> 00:58:36,182
Peace.
1614
00:58:36,224 --> 00:58:38,893
♪ He's a nerd, pop out ♪
1615
00:58:38,935 --> 00:58:40,437
♪ I ain't seen niggas
hit corners ♪
1616
00:58:40,478 --> 00:58:41,688
♪ In the motherfucking burbs ♪
1617
00:58:41,730 --> 00:58:43,189
♪ Pop out ♪
1618
00:58:43,231 --> 00:58:44,542
♪ Done politicking
with the competition ♪
1619
00:58:44,566 --> 00:58:46,192
♪ What's the word, yeah ♪
1620
00:58:46,234 --> 00:58:48,278
♪ Put that on my mama, nigga,
eight in the process ♪
1621
00:58:48,319 --> 00:58:50,280
♪ Nigga tryin' to tippy-toe
through the progress ♪
117624
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