All language subtitles for E.B.C.S01E12.Barely Tamed Grizzly - A Sexy Shapeshifter Hunts for His Mate

- Hello and welcome to Erotic Book Club,

the book club where we read erotic books.

I am your host Jess Ross.

With me as sometimes is my
special guest host Janie.

Hi,

so, glad to be here
thank you for having me.

- Thank you for being here.

- So excited.

Now, I have two erotic
books under my belt,

so, I'm an expert.

- Well, holy fuck, we've
got three experts, today.

My goodness.

Well, before I introduce our experts,

thank you so much for being here.

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where you get to talk directly to us.

I have some fun things from there.

Quincho says the white faux
fur chairs make them look

like naughty little angels
sharing sinful thoughts.

- Sinful.
- Oh.

- And I thought that was very cool.

Pro-tip, I am just watching
Shared by Lumberjacks

are we just going to brush over the fact

that Jess said she was chased by a moose.

I was chased by a moose.

If you want the whole story
you got to go to the Discord,

I wrote it in there.

I have, I don't know how
to pronounce this, Mkeyhan,

loves when Raika gets excited

and waves her arms back and forth.

That is a classic Raika
move anybody who knows Raika

knows this is her signature excited move.

It's one of my favorite
things about Raika, too.

And then, Quint, I can't
pronounce anybody's names,

but, somebody Cat, Qcat, is in the Discord

catching up on all of
the Erotic Book Clubs

and writing big long
synopsis's about each one

and it's very cute.

I love reading them and
hearing their thoughts

'cause they know a lot about erotica,

so, I learned from them, as well.

And so if you are on the Discord you get

to be a part of these fun conversations,

but, we have a different
fun conversation for today.

We are talking about our book, The BEARly,

B E A R, all capitalized, Tamed Grizzly

a part of the bear clan
series, it's number three

in the series as I'm sure
we all know, by Janica Snow.

It was a USA Today best
selling author, she is,

I don't know if this particular book was,

but hey, that's pretty exciting.

- That's exciting.

- And to help us really
dive into this book

we of course needed some experts with us,

in the book the two main
characters you find out

are virgins who are going
to mate together for life

so, we had to bring on
some virgin experts.

Our first virgin expert is Andy.

- Hello.

- Thank you so much for being here.

- Thanks for having me.

- Any virgin facts you'd like to share or.

- A couple of tips to stay a virgin,

keep your pants on.

Sure.

- Never say hi.

- Oh wow.
- Never say hi,

you never know.

- I noticed when I said hello to you,

you threw hot coffee in my face.

- Yeah, that's how I would stay a virgin.

- And.
- Alyssa.

- Hello, hello yes happy to be here.

Happy to be a co-virgin expert with Andy.

We've never locked eyes once, Andy and I.

- I refuse.
- It's part of the code.

Part of the code, yes.

- Virgin code.

- Oh yes, there's a virgin code.

You never lock eyes.

- You never lock pelvises or eyes.

Never lock, you,

that's it, that's it.

And we all have those tattoos.

- Wow.

Wonderful, yeah.

And now you're a erotica expert.

- And now I'm erotica expert.

- So this will be great.

- But I know nothing about virgins.

- Famously never was one.

- No, you're in the group,
you come to all the meetings.

- Never say hi, never say hi.

- So, if you did not have
the wonderful chance to read

BEARly Tamed Grizzly, the
characters, to catch you up

are Oli, is that how you guys
are pronouncing the name?

O-L-I, okay, wonderful.

And India, who I thought was
going to be one of our first

person of color, female protagonists.

Turns out she's another beautiful,

pale-skinned, blonde-eyed,

Delicate-ankled

- Delicate-ankled goddess.

Too big for her face.

- Wow.

- Too big.

- Too big.
- So there you have it.

- Our story starts off.

We have have a little bit of a prologue.

We meet Oli and he's at the
beach and he's just kind of

sniffing around for a mate.

He's like right at it.

He's just like, "I had to
leave the forest and I gotta

come here and find a mate.

And then we also, it
changes point of view.

We get Oli's point of view and India's

in pretty much each chapter.

India is a foster child
all alone in this world.

She has no family.

But she has so much goodness in her heart.

So she has a medical van
that she drives up and down

the coast to help homeless people.

She gives them like
bandages for their boo-boos.

Literally a scene in the book.

- She's like that's all I
can do is give band-aids

and vitamins.

I'm trying to help people.

- Sexy as Hell.
- The woman is crying.

- The little, the woman
with the daughter is like,

"Oh you saved her life".

- The little girl is covered in band-aids.

Yeah

- It's the least that she can do.

And then the kind of, chapter's
leading up to when they

actually meet.

It's just somewhat repetitive.

It's just him saying how
much he wants a mate.

So he is a bear.

We should mention that, as well.

That's the bear part of all of this.

He's a shifter so he's
just sometimes a bear

and sometimes he's a dude.

And sometimes the bear comes out a bit

and his eyes turn yellow.

And that's when you know
he's really on the prowl.

- Sounds like every man.

Right?

- Craziness
- It's six A.M.

It's six A.M.

- And here we are.

Well also one that, oh
we will talk about this,

but like it was confusing
why he wasn't a bear

- some other times
- Uh huh, sure.

Like he would have these
qualities like he really wanted

to mark her neck.

- Yes.
- Mmm Hmm.

- And he could smell great.

Like he had a sense of
smell on this guy, wow.

- Wow
- Yeah

- Was I turned on by that, or what?

- Oh yeah.
- Woo!

I know you're being sarcastic

but when we talked about this earlier,

I have a really bad sense of smell.

So hearing somebody get off
on smells a lot is like,

ooh that's sounds kinda fun.

- The author described
her vagina as like a musk.

And like when the smell
quality is coming through,

we're like, not hot.

- I'm like I don't want anyone
to be able to smell, at all.

Nevermind like a
heightened sense of smell.

Are you kidding?

- Smelled mildewy.

It's like, whoa

Let me get in the shower.

God!

Hold on!

- And he's not like a were-wolf
type of bear situation

where he's kind of like a bear who

then could talk to you a bit.

He's just a flat out bear.
- He's a bear.

Right.

- And it never, spoiler,
never gets to the point where

she has sex with a bear.

But I thought that that may be happening.

I thought so, too.

- I was waiting for it.

- Because his bear, he
claims, is always going to be

almost coming out.

- Yeah and every other line
is like, "It almost happened".

But I didn't turn into a bear.

- It's a real bear tease.

- He's constantly teasing
about being a bear.

- Yeah.

- And also, is he
enormous as a regular man?

- Right.
- He's 6'3".

- Okay so he's like pretty big.

- I casted him as Jason Momoa.

Me, too.

Immediately.

- Really?

Oh that woulda helped me.

- Jason Momoa is Aquaman.

- Never saw it.

- Game of Thrones
- I know who you're talking

- Also never seen it.

- Oh my goodness.

- I wonder if you saw him,
like yeah he is an imposing

figure on the red carpet.

- I mean he's a big 'ol guy.
- On the red carpet

- You know when you see those arrivals,

he's got a scrunchie on his hand.

- See and my boyfriend is
6'6" so I'm looking at a 6'3"

and I'm like you call that a bear, bitch?

That's a dog.

That's a dog.

Move along, move along.

- Damn do you relate a
lot to this character?

- No.

- You do have a licensed medical van where

for some reason
- That was weird.

- I do have a licensed medical van

and my boyfriend does sniff
me and say, "She's fertile".

and that's when we avoid having sex.

- Yeah I know that was another part, too.

We'll get to that but it
was like, he really liked it

when she was fertile.

Which is not helping if you
know you don't wanna a baby, but

- Yep.

- Hey, we'll get to that we're
really spoiling this one.

We're excited to get to, well
because the book is a bit

of a tease, too.

A lot of the beginning
is waiting and wanting.

- 47 percent was no sex.

- It's a lot of yearning for your mate

and they both feel kind of empty inside.

And that their looking for
something and they know

something is out there.

So he's at a diner.

And he's never been to this
part of the world before.

He's always been just in the woods.

So the beach is new to him,
the diner is new to him.

And he gets a little smell
from across the street

and he sees the medical van
but they don't meet quite

just then.

And he fucks it.

- He fucks the van.
- He fucks the little gas pipe

- As a bear

- Bears are so scary.

If a man turned into a bear
while we were having sex

I would be scared.

Terrified.

- And is a bear attractive?

- Do you ever think,
- They're just like roundish.

- They're roundish, they're cute.

But like
- no they're cute.

- Isn't it weird when you see
those videos of like a bear

on its hind legs walking around?

They're really like people.

It's really weird.
- That's true.

- I've never seen a
penis on a bear, have I?

- Do bears have penises?
- Only you would know.

Only I would know.

- Wait I don't think I have, either.

- Like when they're standing up when you,

Like a horse you see
you're like, here we are.

Can we do an internet search for

bear bits
- You only get to see the

undercarriage of a

- You just don't.

- Of a bear much.

- Interesting
- It's not part of the

Hmmm

- Let's go to the zoo and take a look.

For discord there's
also fan art.

So if anyone wants to maybe draw

an anatomically correct bear.

- Yes.

- From like the standing up.

- Join us,
- Send us your

- we're going to the zoo.
- Bear pics

- Yeah let's do a trip.

- Most bears you meet like
Pooh, Yogi, they're just

- Smooth and round.
- Round at the bottom.

- They're desexualized.

- But that's funny 'cause Winnie
the Pooh didn't wear pants.

He wore a little crop top.

He did.

Oh my God, I watched some
of the Winnie the Pooh movie

that just came out.

He is so fucking cute in it.

I was losing my mind.

- I didn't know a movie came out.

How's Eeyore doing?

- How is Eeyore doing?
- Oh he was okay in it.

- He's still like
- I worry for him.

He's just too much.

It's like 'cause at a certain point

you have to help yourself.

Right yeah

- So I can't be here for Eeyore anymore.

Oh she goes home,

so she's done her med
van drive for the day.

She goes home, has a bottle
of wine and some marshmallows.

Which I was like, get it.

I love that.

But she's feeling lonelier and lonelier

and she's flipping through photos of her,

I guess dead family.

She talks about her big,
beautiful, blue eyes,

her lavender-scented bath,
which I love lavender,

I was really feeling this chapter.

And then she's naked looking
at herself in the mirror

and she feels like a tingle,
she's like touching herself

with her, as we all do when we
kind of have some alone time

really just to get in there.

And she touches her neck and
she feels a bit of a jolt.

And so that you discover later

is where the bear is going to,

the way that they mate is they,

I guess it's kind of like a vampire.

They also talk about
the saliva a lot, too.

The bear latches in and
puts his saliva in you.

- Ewww.

- And then you're mated for life.

- Yeah and then like the marks stay

and so someone sees it they're like, no!

- Yeah it's always like
so if any dude comes by

- They know!
- They know you're mine.

- Do bears do that?

Do bears, I've never seen bears fuck.

When bears fuck do they bite necks?

Let's go to the zoo.

Let's go to the zoo.

- We need a zoo trip.

Can we go and then come back?

I don't know that, I would
imagine they just insert

their penises into the vagina.

I don't know how much biting happens.

- I guess kinda like a hickey.

It was kinda like a hickey

of sorts.
- That's what

it made me think of.

- God I'd be pissed.

- God I'd be, the turtlenecks we'd have to

incorporate.
- Oh can you imagine?

I do not look
good in turtlenecks.

- You would have to adapt.

I think you would
look great in a turtleneck.

- Thank you.

- Speaking of, Oli's back in the diner.

Nice segue.

He maybe is gonna go surfing.

But then he senses
something bad is happening.

So he, and he sees the med van again

so he runs over to the
med van and there she is.

So fragile, so they always
in the book talk about how

fragile and dainty and tiny this woman is.

She's a little porcelain doll.

- She's like a little
chihuahua, she's always like

a chihuahua

Very small.

- Like a little, tiny

oh it does make sense
why her eyes are so big.

- She has bulging eyes.

- She's really is.
- What if she's a shifter?

- Into a chihuahua!
- Yes!

- So this little chihuahua
is having sex with a bear!

- I think so.

- That makes sense.

- So the little chihuahua is
on the ground and she's just

so sad and shivering and
he instantly is like,

this is my mate.

And he is all about that.

It's a little bit less of like,

like he is concerned if she's okay

but he also just
immediately wants to hug her

and kiss her and say
you're my mate for life.

Yes.

- Which would be a lot
if I was just attacked

in my med van.

Oh my God.

- Now can I say what I loved though?

He just started cleaning.

Yes.

- He didn't, he just, he did the work.

I liked that, too.

- He didn't ask, "How can I help?"

He just did the work.

- I could've had the book go
that way the rest of the book

and been okay.
- Same.

He just cleans the entire van?

- Just does like sorta like
handles the emotional labor

without being asked.
- You know what babe?

Let me check the oil,
too, while I'm at it.

And I'm wet.

- Yeah I'm sliding, I'm sliding.

Yeah this tire
pressure is really low babe.

And you're just like, Oh Fuck!

- Like him asking,
"what else do you need?"

- OOOOOH

- Woo!

Wow.

I am edging.

- I don't know if I
felt quite the same way.

Oh okay, okay.

- But that's okay.

That shows there's different
things for everyone.

You liked the smell stuff.

- I was more into smells, yeah.

It's something I don't have

so it's a little forbidden for me.

Yeah this deviated septum of mine.

It won't allow me to
have any erotic smells.

So she, oh but she likes it.

Even weird, she's a little freak for it.

She is like kind of freaked out
by everything that happened.

Her van has just been robbed
and everything has been like

torn up to shit.

He's helping her out.

She's, of course, classic
erotic, licking her lips.

I did a lick lips count and
also a count of how many times

he calls himself a bastard.

He refers to his bear inside as a bastard

a total of eight times, I believe.

- It also referred to
sexual parts as mounds.

- Yes.
- Mounds.

- I'm gonna throw up.

A million times.

- He called her boobies
once cotton-covered mounds.

That was the funniest thing.

And her butt is mounds.

Everything's mounds.

Everything's mounds.

- If there was anything to
be mounds, I'd say butt.

Front, I don't want mounds.

I don't think mounds frontal is

Cotton-covered mounds sounds
like a ride or something

at like Dollywood, right?

- Is Dollyland different from Dollywood?

- Yeah it's the California one.

- Oh okay, okay.

- Has anyone ever like licked their lips?

- No.

- It just feels so over the top.

- It would look so weird if
I was about to kiss someone

and went

Oh God

- It would be, I would be horrified.

- I definitely think when I was younger

and first trying to be sexy,

I would do it like 'cause it
was a learned behavior thing.

It's like oh, that's what people do.

So you'd do little things like

- You would do what?

- Magazines always had tips for like

how to look sexy and flirt.

And I remember one was like,
brush the back of his arm

and without gaining concent
first, I was like brushing

so many backs of arms.

Just like, they're gonna want me.

I must have looked insane.

- Hey!
- People are like,

can I help you?

- Don't go near Jamie she just pets you.

- This will do it.

- Oh it was biting the bottom

of your lip, too.
- Oh that was it.

- No one ever does that.

- No.

If I did maybe it's unknowingly.

Maybe I'm so in the throws of passion.

- Bear passion.

- But definitely not to my
knowledge have I done this.

So she's licking her lips.

She's all about it.

They go to the diner
and he's flat out like

this bastard inside of
me wants you real bad.

You are my mate.

So it's right on the table.

I thought there was gonna be a bit of like

No discussion, nothing.

- And she's like, I'm a little
scared but I'm feeling it.

I think, I get it and you're my mate, too.

And she's getting like
wet right at the table

from hearing that.

- The diner, around families.

- Yeah.
- Oh true.

- And I wasn't feeling this
at first but then I was like

she's super into intimacy.

And that really gets her off.

And that's pretty cool.

- That's probably true
- They really built

- for a lot of people.
- that up in the beginning.

Of like she had a real
something missing in her life.

- Yeah.
- Yes.

- So I think that maybe sold it.

- There's a couple books
now where I've read there's

a foster care systems backstory.

And then also bad people
screwing with the female

and then the male is like,
"I wanna protect you".

Those seem like themes in
some of these books now.

- I think it's always to
pit the person to us like,

I have nothing and now
you are my everything."

and like instantly,
which kind of, I guess,

is what I'm always adverse to.

'cause I just want young girls to be like,

you gotta have your own thing going on.

Keep the med van going, which she does.

So I did like that part of it.

She grows the business

which we'll get to.
- Not only that

she goes on Shark Tank.

She's gonna get two more med vans.

Yeah.

And Barbara's her shark.

Ooh oh I have this direct
quote from the scene.

So they're pretty much just
like getting to know you

and he says to her, they're kinda talking

about different things,
"it makes me wonder"

"what you'll smell like
when I'm deep within you,"

"claiming you, marking you."

Someone you've known less than 24 hours

You just licked your teeth!

- Yeah I did lick my teeth.

Not lips but

Whoa!

- All day baby, all day.

- I wanna be marked inside.

- That's a tough quote,
yeah that's a tough quote.

That is intense.

Yeah.

- That language was intense.

There was a lot of that.

- It was very intense the entire time

and some of it was like, woo!

I mean I didn't hate it, at all.

Just the marking stuff.

I don't want saliva in my neck.

- Yeah.
- No!

- They said it gets in
your bloodstream, right?

That's like the whole thing?

Taking a bite.
- Yeah.

- I don't know if you should have

saliva in your bloodstream.
- There's a lot of bacteria.

- I don't think that's good.

- Too much bacteria.
- Especially as a

medical expert she should know.

- Well that's the luck.

She has the band-aids so
she can kind of

- Put a band-aid on it, right away.

- And that's it so I think yeah.

- That's a good point.

- Oh my god.

She also, she mentions
that her panties get damp,

her nipples get hard over
like her medical scrubs.

Which I thought that was a funny detail.

And they decide all right,

so I guess we're kinda together now.

And they go to their separate homes.

They're thinking about each other.

It's a little bit of a
summer nights moment.

And then they're like, "we're
gonna go to the movies".

So then they

go to the movies
- That's such a jarring

- That was the hard part.
- It was a cut to.

- I'm still seeing a bear.

It's hard to not imagine
the bear at the movies,

the bear surfing.
- I agree.

And we're in like this world
where I kinda felt like

they were in the wilderness.

Like this van is going to
rural places, which is,

like she's serving underserved communities

with her medical van.

He's in the woods.

They're like, let's go to the movies

was like too urban for me.

- I can feel that.

Although, I mean, the
thought of taking Jason Momoa

to a movie and then you're
just like, I thought

they were gonna do it in the movie theater

and I was really bummed when they didn't.

- 47 percent of the book, no sex.

- No sex.

But when they get to it,
I think it does deliver.

We'll get to that.

So they're at the movies
but they can't concentrate

on the movies.

His thighs are described
as like tree trunks,

thick, powerful, unwavering.

- She's eating a ton of popcorn.

There's a part where she's
like, I'm eating so much

popcorn.

- Looks at his crotch, no doubt
what he's packing is huge.

- Also it's dark in the
movie, she cannot tell how big

his crotch was in the movie theater.

She's have to get so close.

She's a liar.

- You're a liar.

- You're a damn liar.

- And they just do a
little kiss in the movies.

And they're like, no no
no we can't do this here.

So then they go out to his truck.

And then they drive up in his
truck for a really long time.

Relatable.

- I loved this part.

Hell yeah.

'Cause that's how your first,
kinda when you have a like

intense connection with
somebody, and then you're just

in a car.

I feel like that's where it
goes down a lot of the time.

- Totally, it was very high school.

- I loved it.

He wants to bite her neck.

And this is when, oh our
fourth bastard comes,

my bastard inside of me.

He's very proud of himself for
not tearing off her clothes.

Yeah, I thought this scene was really hot.

They're just kinda
rubbing up on each other.

Oh she notices the flashes
of yellow in his eyes.

That the bear might come out.

And this is when I thought, I was like,

is there about to be a bear in this truck?

- I know.

- That would be crazy.

- It would ruin the car.
- Animal control would

have to come down

and she's like naked
in the car with a bear.

What a dark ending if
that happened.

I'm about to come in her

In her own med van with the

- What's the Werner Herzog movie?

- What is it?

Which one?

- The Werner Herzog movie
where he, the documentary

with the end is the
saddest thing in the world.

- Oh Grizzly man?

- Grizzly man!

Oh he did that?

Oh my God, this is like Grizzly Man.

This is like that.

- Damn.
- Oh my God.

In the end, she's dead.

- Well there was, we can talk
about Grizzly Man off air.

I feel like I shouldn't get into that.

- We can talk about Grizzly Man.

- That was just a strange
relationship for people who

haven't seen.

This man really loved bears,

it was kind of a beautiful thing.

But it was a little too close.

- A little too close, yeah.

- I know so, not so many,

but anyone I know from Alaska though,

has like a different relationship
with nature in that way.

They are like, oh yeah
there's moose in my backyard.

And like I know them.

You know there's like a respect

but also like a kinship with animals

like that
- Right.

- I mean I wouldn't be chilling out

with fucking bears and moose.

- Yeah 'cause bears are
like, you know, I mean that's

the whole sexy thing about them, I guess.

Is that their kinda gonna kill ya.

Yeah, yeah.

- A bear will kill you.

- Kill you.
- I'm not lying, not lying.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Oh for sure.

- We've talked about The Revenant, I feel

so much on this podcast.

But if you haven't seen it,

you gotta see it for that bear scene.

My God.

- And these chairs, in a way,

are very bearlike.
- Cool!

- I do like feeling like I'm
in a giant, warm like bear paw.

That is a nice feeling.

I guess I can understand.

- I've never thought of
them as little bear paws.

I love that.

They're dry-humping in
the van and he's like,

no no no, I want to mark your neck.

I wanna put my saliva in your
neck but we have to wait.

I wanna do it in a bed.

Like a gentleman.

- Yeah he says, not in
a fucking parking lot.

There's like a line

that said that.
- He gets mad.

- All of a sudden this
bear wants, he's like,

I'm an indoor guy.

Come on, we got standards.

This guy probably lives in a tree.

What's the problem?

Excuse me, sorry.

- Bears don't live in trees.

- Okay we're not hibernating.

I mean let's get outta
here and do some fun stuff.

- Oh God.
- That is true.

- It would have made more sense to say,

I wanna make love to you

- In my den.
- In my den.

- In the den, yeah not in the bedroom.

- I have twigs laid out for you.

- So they, oh wait, I'm on the wrong page.

So they go back to the house.

And they have one of these
moments where you're kinda like

making out in front of the door and then

go through the door and the
neighbors like looking like,

Oh my!

- I like that the neighbor
- She's like, I don't even

give a shit.

And then, oh she felt a fresh
goosh of moisture leave her.

- It says goosh?

- Goosh, that was what it said,

which I thought was very funny.

- Wait you mean gush?

- Oh I pronounced it as goosh.

- Goosh is not a word!

Your whole life?

- The snacks, gooshers?

- Oh my God.

G-U-S-H your
whole life has been goosh?

What what a fun,

what a joy.
- She showed it to me

and it's spelled G-U-S-H.

The word gush.

- Wow.
- Goosh.

- What a beautiful gooshing waterfall.

I've never seen something like that.

- Goosh is like

a taint at that point.
- I woulda said it's

a gushing waterfall.

- Goosh is a nickname for a gross dude.

- Oh it's the goosh over there.

- The goosh is here.

- Here comes the goosh.

- Goosh is always playing a
ping pong ball, beer pong.

I'm a virgin, I'm a virgin!

- Oh I forgot, yes we're virgins.

- I forgot we're virgins.
- I'm a virgin!

- Never forget.

- They make it back to the bed.

She blossoms for him, like a
flower opening under the sun.

Take me, claim me, mate.

They continue to call each
other mate from this point on.

Which I wasn't into.

Are bears?

We also have to keep going to the zoo.

Are bears very monogamous?

It felt like this like when
I mate, I mate for life.

I thought that, too.

Like penguins.

- Yeah but I never heard that about bears.

- Yeah me neither.
- I feel like

anytime I see bears, it's
like a mom bear on her own.

- Having to do it all

on your own.
- That's the truth.

- Then the male bears are
running out and finding humans

leaving the female bears
to fend for themselves.

- That's the origin of what?

This is why the mama bears
are protecting their cubs.

'cause the papa's are fucking,

- Shifting and fucking!
- Shifting and fucking!

- Your daddy's out shifting and fucking.

- A little chihuahua's
smoking a cigarette.

- Oh he cleans for her.

- And he, oh describes,
they often describe, too,

the sensation of burning
alive as like a sexy thing.

But that didn't come across as
- You gotta go

to the doctor then.

Yeah.

- That's when you get stuff checked out.

- She is the doctor.

She should know.

- Oh he also, so this is when we find out

that he's a virgin.

He's never been with anyone.

We find out she's never been with anyone.

He also says he's never gotten
hard for anyone else before.

Which I appreciate the sentiment,

I guess that's supposed to be there.

But that's just not true.
- That can't be true.

When he was a teen shifter
you know he was running around

with a boner.

Honestly though,
'cause like, if you think about

well okay, let's talk
about wet dreams, sure.

So if you're hibernating,

there's gotta be one or two in there.

- Yeah.
- And probably very long.

- Bears have 100 erections
every hibernation.

Fact.

Try to fight me on it.

- And it's pretty remarkable
if they were both virgins,

that this was their first experience.

I mean talk about,

- They do a great job.

- A great job.
- Stars lining up.

- From start to finish.

- Straight up penetration
and she comes immediately

- Yeah and it's like, are you kidding?

My first thing was like, it didn't go in.

It was like, this isn't working.

This can't, okay.

- That's true, yeah.

- Or it just hurts.

You're like, oh God no!

No more.

- Exactly.
- Why do people like this?

- Why do people like this?

- I hit a little exchange between them

he says, tell me what you want.

Oh she says, tell me what
you want me to do to you.

Fuck.

She went there.

Said those words.

It might frighten you.

It won't.

It'll turn me on.

I'm going to have my dick
so deep inside of you.

Fuck you so hard.

Every time you sit down,
you'll think of only me, baby.

- Oh God.

- Now we're not only marking the neck,

- Destroying her vagina.
- Destroying this woman's life

- Beat the pussy up.

- Every time you sit?

- Imagine if you went, every
time for the rest of your life.

- 'Cause see that's not a good thing.

- She's has to deal with patients

and she's gonna be unable to sit.

- But that did feel like,

I know it's meant to be hot and horny,

but it does feel like more
of something that a virgin

would say or stuff like,

Oh I wanna pound you so hard and so fast.

- I'm gonna get my balls inside of you.

- I'm gonna put my balls inside of you.

- My ass is even gonna get up in there.

- Let's rub butts.
- My whole body.

Butts gonna all the way

up your pussy.
- I'm gonna put

my elbow in there.

- He shows his cock off a bit.

Hey!

- Get's on his hind legs
and shows his bear dick.

- He's so proud.
- You like my bear penis?

- He does he like

gives a little reveal.
- You like my bear penis?

- And she does, she's like,
Oh my God that's so huge!

How will it ever fit?

I'm going to fuck you, make you scream

and cream all over my cock.

That sounds like an 80's
like hair metal lyric.

Scream and cream

My God.

So then yeah they, oh and then
finally at the height of this

he claims her.

He gives her a little saliva hickey.

And then they're mated
and they're so in love.

Next day.

So on the phone with
his bro, talking about,

and his bro Asher is like,
ugh couples who mate, right?

They suck, they're the worst.

And he's like, yeah I
don't think that anymore

'cause I mated.

And then he gets a little
whiff, and he whiffs out

the two robbers who robbed his girlfriend,

India's medical van.

My pages are all over the place.

So he goes over and he becomes a bear?

This part confused me.

- Some form of a bear.

His bear instincts, at
the very least, kicked in.

- I think there's a
line where he said like

his bones start to break or something.

- Oooh
- I think that's when he

turns into a bear, no?

Maybe I misread that.
- Either that

or he got very injured.

- Or he fell down and
walked over to the robbers.

Hey you guys, oh fuck!

I'm getting old!

- So he goes over and I
thought he was gonna kill them

and they're very much
like the Wet Bandits.

They're like, so what are
we gonna rob now, Tony?

- There's an old lady
over there we can rob.

- It'll be almost as fun
as the time we robbed

that girl's medical van.

- That's what they say exactly.

Yeah they get off on it.

It's not about robbing stuff,
yeah it's not about the money,

- They say their addicts, too, right?

They're like drug addicts.

- Oh no.
- Yeah.

- It's like kinda sad.

- Sad!
- They were just looking for

like drugs 'cause they were like

getting sick, they needed a fix.

- I don't know if we needed that detail.

- And this fucking bear dude is gonna go

beat the shit out of them.

- I didn't even remember that
- Gonna put the book down then

- I'm dry, I'm dry, I'm dry.

- So he goes into bear mode.

The scent of their fear was putrid.

It pleased me.

And I wrote, "that was metal as fuck".

- Scream and cream.

Smell of their fear, putrid!

and he's just like you
better, if you ever fuck

with that medical van
again I'm gonna kill you.

Oh and he does fuck them up a bit.

He scratches them up.

'cause he comes home and
he's covered in blood.

And she's a little upset but she also like

really gets off on it.

And then they do it again,

in a pretty similar way as the first time.

They hit most of the same beats.

- Yeah pretty similar sex scenes, I'd say.

- It was kind of, yeah a bit of bulge,

there's always a bulge.

- Bulge and then a pickup.
- Bulge and some mounds.

- Grabbing a butt.
- We did get an eat out scene.

Which I always love.

Oh this was the cotton-covered mounds.

I love that phrase.

Her cotton-covered mounds.

- He's a southern belle.
- Oh my, my.

Don't talk like that!

- Right on.

- Her mounds?

We don't talk about mounds around here.

yeah so they have sexy sex again.

He sucked on my bundle of nerves.

- Oh right that's what
everyone calls a clit, like

- I hate that!
- Her nerves.

I hate that!

- Bundle of nerves is like the

- It's four o'clock in the morning!

- He sucked on my goosh.

- That's just so much better.
- He sucked on my nerves

and my goosh!

- My nerves and my goosh.

Oh here comes the two
boys, Nerves and Goosh.

They're at it again!

- Nerves and Goosh!

Just playing some beer pong.

- Scream and cream!

- Nerves and Goosh.

Oh my God.

So then, yeah what else happens?

Oh he shifts, what the fuck?

My brain just stopped.

Oh they're hanging out
with their bear bros later.

Oh yeah it was
just like a nice dinner party.

Yeah then they
go to a dinner party

with his bear bros.

Asher's there, his other bro is there.

And they're all loving India.

She fits in with the bear clan perfectly.

They love her med van and
they wanna hear all about it.

Then they're like, okay we're
gonna go off into the woods.

So and then this was good because yeah,

this was his natural habitat.

- But also, when they
all go into the woods,

does that mean they're all
gonna have sex in the woods?

Or that's just where they
go to sleep at night?

- I didn't even think of that
I just assumed they had like

a beautiful, mid-century
cabin for some reason.

- Well, does he work in construction?

- I don't think he has a job.

Oh maybe he does.

- He lives off the land, the rabbits.

- The rabbits, the fish.

- The rabbits, the fish, the berries.

for the summa.

- For sangria.

- The sangria?

- The sangria.

- Yeah there are a lot
of questions I had like,

in this shifting world,
like do you pay taxes,

are you like a human?

They say its like a normal thing.

- Janie your poor brain.

It's like that erotica,
it's hot and you're like

so what's the tax?

- What's the exact situation?
- Do they have accountants

that they go to?

- Do they have insurance?

What's happening?

- Yeah what is the insurance?

'cause I was also thinking
a lot about that van like

honestly is she private?

Why is our healthcare system
like having people fall

through the cracks where she
like needs to have this van?

There's a lot of things where I was like,

I am very turned on

reading this book.

- I did like, at first I
was like oh she's just like

kind of a Snow White belle,
just like so beautiful and nice.

But the more she talked
about her van, I was like

I feel like she really does
like her job and what she does.

- Yeah

- And she does care about helping people.

Especially at the end
when she gets more vans

and keeps doing it and
doesn't just like go

into the forest with him.

I'm like, oh that's awesome.

- He's looking for this mate and it's like

a lot of pressure on her,
like you were saying,

to just be everything to him.

Like she has her own life.

She should not be like,
I guess it would not work

for me to be excited by a mate saying,

you are my everything and my one.

It's like, look, I gotta van, okay?

I got stuff to do.

I can't be that for you.

- Totally.

- That's not sexy.

I would agree with that.

- But it was nice that he seemed
like to, and the brothers,

they all seemed to let
her business flourish.

They helped grow it.

- That's true.

- Yeah.

- I guess that's hot.

I guess that's hot.

It doesn't have to be hot.

- It's not for me.

- They go into the woods
and make love again

against a tree.

And they just feel so whole
and complete together.

- That also has to hurt.

- Oh my God.
- I know.

- 'Cause like a rug burn is one thing.

But like a fucking bark burn?

- A bark burn?

Now you're gonna be marked.

- And there's like ants and
stuff that'll crawl on you.

Dirt.

And then where are you supposed to like,

and then you have to pee afterwards.

- Well I would almost say that
that's kind of the nice part.

I'm with you Andy.
- The only upside to wood sex.

Just piss wherever the hell you want.

- What's sexier than you
two have sex against a tree

and then you just pop a squat

in a really close spot?
- Immediately piss

down your leg.

Don't even squat.

Just stand and piss.

And you have your pants
and you try to

Every time I've tried to pee
outside and I do the thing

where you pull the pants, so you, I just

always pee on the pants.
- Me too.

Oh I take mine off.

- I have to take mine off
or its going everywhere.

- There's no way because,
and then when you think

I'll try to aim here, you aim.

- It's like something in
the back of your brain

will always find the pants.

and then you have to walk
back and you're like, well.

- The piss finds the pants.
- I have pee on my pants.

- The piss finds the pants.

- It always finds the pants.

Men have it so, or people
with penises have it so easy

because it's really,
you could go anywhere.

When I was living in New York,
I'd constantly see people

just peeing on buildings.

I'm like that is the life.
- Constantly!

- Every time I've peed on
a building, which is a lot,

It always rolls back onto my feet.

Everything is always angled
and I always happen to piss

at an upward angle so it always
just rolls right back down

and then I'm stepping in my own damn piss.

- Piss finds the shoe.

- Yep the piss finds the shoe.

- Piss finds the pants.

Piss finds the shoe.

- It really does.

So these two are making love on this tree.

But in the distance, our almost
final chapter in the book,

we get a whole new point
of view from Asher,

Oli's brother.

Who is watching them, jealous
that he doesn't have a mate.

And also, creepy.

- Very Creepy.

Violently jacking off.

He's the house-flipper.

He flips houses for a living.

Oh that's where I got that.

- And yeah I don't know if Oli has a job.

Okay.

- All right, but they
might all flip houses.

- I mean, yeah, if he flips
houses, then they must

all have jobs.

I imagine, they're not like

Oh that'd be a fun TV show.

I would find
flipping a house erotic.

- Bearflip

- A bunch of brothers flipping houses.

- Literally flipping houses.

- Physically.

- When they're not
shifting, they're flipping.

- Where they're bears, they
come in, scare the family out,

and just shift and like

tear everything apart.
- Move things around.

And then they turn into
humans and fix it again.

- Like a beautiful marble floor.

- Yes!

- Oh that'd be great.

- Bearflippers

He's feeling a little bit too old.

He's feeling like Danny
Glover in Lethal Weapon.

He's too old for this shit.

He says that.

- Yeah he said it, he's like,
I'm just like Danny Glover

Too old for this shift.

Nice!

- Thank you!
- Perfect joke.

- I do comedy.

and he's saying that
being mated is overrated.

But in his heart he knows
he's just saying that

'cause he's lonely.

And everyone astutely realized
that that was probably

setting up the next book.

I just thought it was a
very odd, random chapter

out of nowhere.

- He was like, I'm gonna go to the bar.

Not to find a mate, just to have fun.

And it's like, oh you're gonna find a mate

at the bar in the next book.

We have the epilogue.

India is in a cabin.

She's no longer in California.

Now she's in Colorado.

She's got two more vans.

Oli's out hunting for rabbits.

So I guess he's a bear right now.

He comes home with a rabbit in his mouth?

- I think it's something like that.

- Is he a bear at that time?

- I guess.

- It's hard to tell really.

Wouldn't it be easier
to hunt rabbits as a person?

'Cause you just set up a
bunch of traps and just

collect the dead rabbits?

- It would definitely be
easier as a bear, I think.

- 'Cause he doesn't have hands.

He's gotta just put one in
his mouth and take it home.

And then hunt another
one and then take it.

As a person he could
put some in his pocket,

put some his hands.

Some around the neck.

Yeah bears don't have pockets.

- Unless of course he has pants.

- But they never do.
- That'd be really cute.

- That would be fun.

- That would be nice.
- They only wear t-shirts.

- I saw a picture of a dog
wearing overalls the other day.

And it was so cute.

That's really cute.

- It was really cute.

- Se we shift our animals
into people all the time.

That is true.

And I was like, damn that dog is hot.

I wanna fuck that
dog in those overalls.

- What's under those overalls?

- It's eyes are too big for its head.

We were in a movie theater
and then I had a

- That corgi is packing.

- Oh this is the first
time she refers to Oli

as not having a classically handsome face.

And I was like, yes Jason
Momoa does, you idiot.

And then he sniffs her up and
can tell that she's fertile.

So usually these books
end with a pregnancy

but this one ends with a pre-pregnancy.

And he likes that.

He's ready to have a baby.

And when you've mated, you
wanna have a baby right away.

And she's like into it.

She's ready to do it.

- Also, one thing I forgot.

He says the word precum maybe 88 times

in the whole book.
- He does mention his

precum a lot.

- He constantly says, I
think I precummed again.

Precummed, oh.

Knock, Knock, who's there?

Precum.

Constantly saying precum.

- He was very in tune with
the moisture level around

his penis, for sure.

- You would hear a lot about that.

- I felt like the book was
very good at describing

his internal senses, like
his precum, the way that

his body like felt and then a lot of times

hers was more about him.

And less about what was
going on in her body.

I wish I heard a bit a both but, yeah.

Is pre-cum a very big thing
for people with penises?

- I feel like I've never
been like, oh I'm precumming.

Never once felt it, noticed it,

so I don't think so.

- And it's also not
- Maybe I'm just making out

with someone, I'm not
like, here comes the pre.

- Like of all the things that
happened in the sexual lead up

and that anticipation,

I personally don't think that I've heard

that as a big sexual factor

like that's sexy.
- I agree.

Even in my life, yeah I agree
no guy has ever used precum

as sort of like a

- It's like a biological
- Come on, I'm already

precomming.
- I'm already pre'd.

- Come on.
- Let's finish the deed.

I've pre'd.

- Oh my God.

Yeah anything else about the sex scenes?

Any other thoughts that people had?

- One line, "I'd make
her need my dick like

she needed to breathe."

Oh I didn't like that.

That one bothered me.

- I'm suffocating, I'm suffocating.

Give me the dick.

Oh thank God!

Someone give her a dick, anyone!

- She's choking!

- In a restaurant

- She's choking, my
God, okay she's choking.

- I know the Heimlich.

Stay out of the way.

Heimlich.

- It won't do.

- Oh my God.

I mean I pointed out all the
crazy stuff but I genuinely

thought the sex scenes were very hot.

- They were hot.

- Once we finally got to them,

they were
- Did you goosh?

- Are you asking if I precame?

- Oh is goosh precum?

That's actually fun

if that's what
- Goosh is a female precum.

It's a female version of a precum.

- When you do the thing, yeah.

Is this a Scrubs reference?

To the song Scrubs?

- No it's a diva is a
female version of a hustler.

- Right, that's what it is.

Thank you.

It was in the back of my head somewhere.

Scrubs.

When I'm singing Scrubs, you'll know.

Yeah I just thought that
they were both really sexy

and I liked how much they
were into each other.

- It really felt funny
to me that it was like a,

it was such a story.

I'm, yeah.

- That's true because this is
both of your first eroticas.

- Yes.

- Yes.

- I've read clips, so when
you read clips you usually

just get to the heart of it very quickly.

So the idea that this was
a whole, almost like a,

an episode of a TV show,
you really got the whole

You know, it's like at the end

Yeah at the end it really
felt like an episode

of full house at the end
when they were all eating

at the dinner table and she
was like, and everyone was

listening to me and I really
thought, wow, I have a family.

I was like wow, this is so nice.

- That's so true.

- And then in the next
episode they like swap places

or something for the day, you know?

- Totally

- You never know what
kind of wacky situations

are gonna come up next.
- We follow Uncle Joey

going to the bar to pick up women.

Andy, yeah how was your first erotica?

- It was fun.

I've never read it before.

I'm also a virgin.

So I read it with one eye, like this.

I only read certain parts of the page.

Every time there was
something dirty I prayed.

But it was fun.

I would say I don't think I
would ever read erotica again

'cause I'd just watch porn.

Yeah sure.

I think it's like the,
just for time's sake,

if I'm just, you know.

He's got a lot to do.

- I got things to do.

I can't be pre-ing all night.

So just, you know.

- Erotica was like a fun
thing I discovered when I had,

like back in like college days.

You know when you don't have
as much privacy to watch,

you know.
- Sure, oh yeah.

That makes sense.

- Oh that makes sense.

Yeah it's weird, I've
mentioned this before,

but like reading it at work.

We had a graphic novel once
and that was a little harder

to read, yeah.

It's kinda fun reading it at
work when it's just the book

and it's like somebody
walks by and they don't know

that your reading this thing, but,

- Yeah when it's like
- But then when they

- a gaping asshole
- make eye contact

- It's like, oh hey!
- It's like, It's for work!

Watching porn for work.

- I don't, how do you guys
feel about reading versus

watching porn?

- I actually enjoy, 'cause
the read feels like your

like it's different.

It's very different.

- I like the read because I
think I can take it however

I want it and it can become
my own and I can become the

like the person in the story.

More so than in porn.

And porn, it's more like
I'm watching other people.

So I'd like to read it.

- And also like, you know, I
won't make a blanket statement

about an industry but there's
a lot in porn that's like

troubling sometimes,

so if you're reading erotica
- That's the thing, it's like

I don't know the age.

I don't know if everybody
is safe right now.

So it takes me out of it
a lot when I watch porn.

'Cause I'm like, Is everybody okay?

- I'm like yeah the acting is
- I know there's a bunch

of different, you know
it's a huge thing to say

- I usually prefer Xtube because
it's like they posted it.

Hopefully everyone was consenting.

It's like a cute couple who
just gets off doing that.

- Yeah and there's like feminist porn.

And there's all these
different, you know you can find

what works for you.

But yeah the erotica feels
like, okay well I can just

kinda get in someone's fantasy
and then your just kinda

dipping in and out.

It feels very light to me which I enjoy.

I like that, too.

- It's hard to find bear porn, I've tried.

I've tried, believe me I've tried.

- All right well let's rate this bad boy.

One being a drought and
five being slide off of your

fuzzy bear claw chair.

And anyone can start.

- I'd start with drought
to mild goosh because

I really didn't enjoy the 47 percent.

Every time I advanced on my
reading device and it showed me

the percent progress I'd
made I felt resentful

of how far we had gone before
the mounds were revealed.

I needed those mounds baby
and I felt like the book just,

I needed the sex to start faster

'cause I'm a straight up perv.

Damn.

- Wow.

You know I'm gonna go with
mild goosh to goosh because

yes it took awhile but once
it got there it paid off.

If it had taken that
long and then I got there

and I was like all that for this?

I would have been with you.

But I think that they made up,

I forgot about the wait once I got to it.

I was like, okay I'm not
thinking about how long

it took us to get here.

We're in the movie
theater, we're in the car,

we're in the bedroom, getty-up.

- Getty-up
- Yeah, yeah

As soon as we got to that
movie theater I was like

I am so in.

I love that they might do
it in this movie theater.

And then it traveled the whole day,

like that like,

horniness that takes you
from one location to the next

and then you get to the
house and you're still horny.

And that whole sequence I really loved.

I'm gonna give this one a four.

A goosh-tastic.

I took care of business
when I read this book.

I don't know if that's
too personal but I did.

I thought it was a great one.

- Goosh-tastic.

- Andy?

- It was one to five?

- Or it can be any number.

- I'd say it was like a two.

- Wow!
- Wow.

- A pre-goosh.

Yeah it was like too much build up.

And when it happens, it's
like can't we do a flashback

every once in awhile,
like you know what I mean?

I was looking for my mate,
and then I was fucking.

And then I was at the beach,
and then I was fucking.

Something to keep us, you know,

it was too linear.

I needed some flashbacks.

- Okay.
- Maybe a bit of time travel?

- So that really would
have done it for you?

- Flashbacks is the
only way I can get off.

- Give me one flashback, you get a five.

- Flashback to him, he's getting
like salmon from a stream.

- I feel like bears would
get off on violence.

Don't you think?

- Oh God.
- Like they would get

like boners from killing something?

- Yeah I don't find bears sexy.

- Yeah that's true.

I don't

- I don't think bears
- I'm glad he didn't

- I don't know.
- become a bear.

- That wouldn't have done it for me.

- They're not on the fence.
- But when they stand

they look doof, like when
stand and walk they look doofy.

- They do.

- They're kinda like clumsy.

- They're all like this.

- You're thinking of a circus bear.

We're talking about in
like Yosemite National Park

bear, who knows his stuff.

- Yeah Andy, yeah.

- We're talking about
- I'm sorry I didn't know

- a cultured bear.
- What kind of hot ass

bear you guys were talking about.

- Yeah he's got glasses.

- They break every day.

Because of his dumb hands.

- To me they're either cute or terrifying

and nothing in the middle.

- I can see that.

But I think they're, I saw
this picture of a gorilla once,

that hot gorilla.

Do you guys remember this going around?

- Hot gorilla?

- It was a really hot gorilla.

I forget his name but I thought he would,

Do you know what I'm talking about?

- Like a ripped one?
- I forget his name.

- The freaky ripped one?

- Are you thinking about the kangaroo?

The ripped kangaroo?
- Oh that's what I'm thinking

I'm thinking about the freak kangaroo.

- Jacked kangaroo.

- Oh my God.
- That's disgusting.

- I'm thinking about a gorilla.

I forget his name.

- But there's a photo where
- but he, there was a

viral sensation where it
was like this hot gorilla.

- 'cause he, look it's
a photo, it was a photo,

he looked really hot in the photo,

like his expression was like a model.

- Like he could be in Ocean's Eleven.

They're really expanding
the cast every year.

And like you see the poster.

And then it's like George
Clooney, Matt Damon,

the Hot Gorilla.

The Hot Gorilla.

- The Hot Gorilla.
- I wish I could

remember his name.

Paul, are you looking it up?

Hot Gorilla.

- Shabani?

- That's him!

He's always brooding,
he's a very sexy gorilla.

- I don't find him attractive.
- Oh yeah I mean I guess.

- Can you get a, get a bod pic.

Yeah I want the body

he looks a little overweight.

- Oh my God.
- He's washed up.

- He looks old.
- If I were a gorilla

I might be attracted.

- Yeah I want the ripped,

well I'm thinking of the ripped kangaroo.

That guy is
- Yeah the ripped kangaroo is

- I don't know that I'd
find a kangaroo attractive.

- But look at you with this gorilla.

- Think he's talking about Kangaroo Jack?

- Yeah that wily little dude.

- Thank you all so much for listening.

If you're still listening out there.

If you have any sexy animal
pictures, please share them.

If you would like to share fan
art of some sexy

- Yeah I got a folder, got a folder.

- We got that dropbox.

If you are reading along
with us, our assignment

for next week we had a
special request for some more

step family books so we
have Cream for Stepfather.

Scream and cream.

Scream and cream

Cream for Stepfather by Celia Styles.

You can get that on Amazon.

It costs like four bucks so it is a bit,

you know it's a little
pricier but hopefully it will

be worth the four bucks.

The best latte you've had all month.

Now that's some cream

- Cream for Stepfather.

Thank you so much for listening.

Have a sexy week everybody.

We love you.

- We love you.

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