Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:16,083 --> 00:00:18,875
(techno music playing)
2
00:00:32,625 --> 00:00:35,750
♪ ♪
3
00:00:45,667 --> 00:00:49,542
♪ Play it, say it,
say it, say it... ♪
4
00:00:49,542 --> 00:00:51,917
♪ Play it, say it,
say it, say it... ♪
5
00:00:51,917 --> 00:00:53,583
Woman:
Ladies and gentlemen,
6
00:00:53,583 --> 00:00:57,208
please welcome
Whitney Cummings!
7
00:00:57,208 --> 00:00:59,458
(cheering)
8
00:01:04,417 --> 00:01:07,333
I have to pee.
I'm good!
9
00:01:31,708 --> 00:01:34,667
What is up, bitches? Come on!
10
00:01:34,667 --> 00:01:37,500
(cheering)
11
00:01:41,291 --> 00:01:43,000
Thank you so much
for being here.
12
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:46,708
I'm shooting my HBO special,
no big deal.
13
00:01:48,667 --> 00:01:51,000
This has been a dream
of mine for a very long time,
14
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:53,041
so thank you for being here,
for showing up.
15
00:01:53,041 --> 00:01:54,458
I really appreciate it.
16
00:01:54,458 --> 00:01:56,667
Thank you for
wearing shorts, sir.
17
00:01:59,667 --> 00:02:01,333
You were getting ready,
18
00:02:01,333 --> 00:02:04,333
you're like, "I'm going
to Whitney's dream come true,
and I'm gonna--
19
00:02:04,333 --> 00:02:07,291
"I'm gonna wear
these seersucker--"
20
00:02:07,291 --> 00:02:12,250
operative word:
suck-- "shorts.
21
00:02:12,250 --> 00:02:16,125
"I just want her to look
at my scrotum the whole night
22
00:02:16,125 --> 00:02:19,917
to let her know what I think
of her accomplishments."
23
00:02:21,708 --> 00:02:23,542
You know, just that thigh.
24
00:02:23,542 --> 00:02:26,917
You know, that weird part
of your thigh that just looks
like a swollen vagina?
25
00:02:26,917 --> 00:02:28,542
That's what I'm looking at.
26
00:02:30,291 --> 00:02:32,500
Really appr--
Thanks for shaving, sir.
27
00:02:34,208 --> 00:02:36,750
And where's the camera.
Is there a camera in the--
28
00:02:36,750 --> 00:02:40,667
And for you guys at home,
if you're watching this
on YouTube,
29
00:02:40,667 --> 00:02:42,625
fuck you,
30
00:02:42,625 --> 00:02:45,667
Go to HBO Go,
like an adult,
31
00:02:45,667 --> 00:02:49,417
so I can get ten cents,
okay, out of this view.
32
00:02:49,417 --> 00:02:51,500
(cheers, applause)
33
00:02:51,500 --> 00:02:52,625
Thank you.
34
00:02:54,583 --> 00:02:58,041
I'm wearing heels tonight,
it's the least you could
fucking do.
35
00:02:59,250 --> 00:03:01,917
I like you guys.
You guys are hot, sexy.
36
00:03:01,917 --> 00:03:04,208
Sexy people.
Are you guys young? Young?
37
00:03:04,208 --> 00:03:07,083
Yeah? Yeah?
Anyone in their 20s?
38
00:03:07,083 --> 00:03:08,375
20s?
Audience: Whoo!
39
00:03:08,375 --> 00:03:11,750
That's what you do
in your 20s, you "whoo."
40
00:03:11,750 --> 00:03:12,875
Hold old are you?
41
00:03:12,875 --> 00:03:13,917
27.
27.
42
00:03:13,917 --> 00:03:15,542
Well, you're 30.
43
00:03:15,542 --> 00:03:17,959
(laughter, applause)
44
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,750
Younger than 27?
45
00:03:21,750 --> 00:03:24,750
Woman: 24.
24! (laughing)
46
00:03:24,750 --> 00:03:27,458
Yeah, life's about
to fuck you up real bad.
47
00:03:30,625 --> 00:03:33,458
I love seeing girls
in their 20s. It cracks
me up, man.
48
00:03:33,458 --> 00:03:34,959
It reminds me
of when I was in my 20s.
49
00:03:34,959 --> 00:03:37,250
'Cause when I was in my 20s,
I was such an idiot.
50
00:03:37,250 --> 00:03:40,792
Like, when I was in my 20s,
I was the worst
combination of--
51
00:03:40,792 --> 00:03:44,875
I was arrogant, but I was
also, like, delusional,
you know?
52
00:03:44,875 --> 00:03:48,458
Like, when I was in my 20s,
I thought that I was a catch.
53
00:03:48,458 --> 00:03:52,166
I thought I was funny
and interesting and smart,
54
00:03:52,166 --> 00:03:55,083
but I wasn't. You're not.
55
00:03:55,083 --> 00:03:58,750
Okay? It's just that guys want
to have sex with you, right?
56
00:03:58,750 --> 00:04:01,875
So they laugh
at your stupid jokes.
57
00:04:01,875 --> 00:04:04,250
They listen to your
boring-ass stories.
58
00:04:04,250 --> 00:04:08,208
And then you start getting
an ego. You start thinking
you're awesome.
59
00:04:08,208 --> 00:04:11,834
Then you turn 30,
and guys stop wanting
to have sex with you,
60
00:04:11,834 --> 00:04:18,375
and then you're just left
with a terrible personality.
61
00:04:18,375 --> 00:04:21,208
That's what happened to me.
I got enabled in my 20s,
62
00:04:21,208 --> 00:04:25,166
now I'm in my 30s,
and I'm just a... dick.
63
00:04:25,166 --> 00:04:29,125
I'm the worst. I'm loud.
I'm obnoxious. I'm bossy.
64
00:04:29,125 --> 00:04:31,917
You know? But I think I got
confused about what guys like.
65
00:04:31,917 --> 00:04:35,583
'Cause you remember there was
a rumor going around
for a while
66
00:04:35,583 --> 00:04:39,542
that men like
strong women?
67
00:04:41,250 --> 00:04:43,750
People would say that.
They'd be like,
"Men like strong women.
68
00:04:43,750 --> 00:04:46,417
Men like independent,
strong women."
69
00:04:46,417 --> 00:04:48,708
Yeah, no they don't.
70
00:04:48,708 --> 00:04:50,667
Okay, I've seen porn.
71
00:04:53,208 --> 00:04:58,208
Men like Asian schoolgirls
72
00:04:58,208 --> 00:05:01,375
with duct tape
over their mouths.
73
00:05:01,375 --> 00:05:04,000
(laughter, applause)
74
00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:05,542
That's what men like.
75
00:05:05,542 --> 00:05:08,875
Literally, in porn they have
categories you can pick from.
76
00:05:08,875 --> 00:05:10,625
There's a menu on the side.
It's like,
77
00:05:10,625 --> 00:05:13,208
"girl-on-girl, college girls,"
78
00:05:13,208 --> 00:05:15,583
there's no "CEO."
79
00:05:15,583 --> 00:05:17,333
(laughter)
80
00:05:17,333 --> 00:05:19,375
Guys aren't watching
porn, like,
81
00:05:19,375 --> 00:05:22,750
"Yeah, girl, get
that promotion, yeah."
82
00:05:28,417 --> 00:05:30,041
It sucks.
83
00:05:30,041 --> 00:05:33,208
It sucks because I feel like
I worked my ass off
to accomplish my goals,
84
00:05:33,208 --> 00:05:34,375
to accomplish my dreams.
85
00:05:34,375 --> 00:05:36,750
Now I feel like
I have the best life ever.
86
00:05:36,750 --> 00:05:38,834
I have the career I want,
but guys are not into that.
87
00:05:38,834 --> 00:05:41,250
Guys aren't into
self-sufficient girls,
88
00:05:41,250 --> 00:05:43,083
you know, who are independent.
89
00:05:43,083 --> 00:05:45,625
That's not a turn-on.
I'm not a sexy woman.
90
00:05:45,625 --> 00:05:47,750
My dirty talk is not sexy.
91
00:05:47,750 --> 00:05:50,542
I'm like, "Hey, wanna
come back to my house...
92
00:05:50,542 --> 00:05:52,333
that I own?"
93
00:05:52,333 --> 00:05:54,208
(laughter)
94
00:05:54,208 --> 00:05:55,959
Not a turn-on.
95
00:05:55,959 --> 00:05:59,291
Guys like girls to be, like,
vulnerable and coy.
96
00:05:59,291 --> 00:06:02,667
Guy's like girls
to be like "Mmm...
97
00:06:02,667 --> 00:06:05,500
"I'm lost.
98
00:06:05,500 --> 00:06:08,959
"Can you help me? Mmm...
99
00:06:08,959 --> 00:06:14,083
Your dick's too big,
it hurts. Mmm..."
100
00:06:18,083 --> 00:06:19,583
It doesn't.
101
00:06:19,583 --> 00:06:22,000
(laughter, applause)
102
00:06:25,959 --> 00:06:29,291
I'm in my 30s.
Nothing fucking hurts anymore.
103
00:06:35,250 --> 00:06:37,041
My lower back kind of hurts.
104
00:06:37,041 --> 00:06:40,959
(laughter)
That's another...
105
00:06:40,959 --> 00:06:44,000
That's a different story.
106
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:47,458
So, I don't know what
to do, you know? I can't stop
achieving my goals, right?
107
00:06:47,458 --> 00:06:49,208
I can't stop
doing what I love.
108
00:06:49,208 --> 00:06:52,125
So I feel like what I need
to start doing is when I meet
a guy that I like,
109
00:06:52,125 --> 00:06:56,291
I just need to acknowledge
what they find unattractive
about me
110
00:06:56,291 --> 00:06:59,834
and just straight up
negotiate with them.
111
00:06:59,834 --> 00:07:04,542
I'm gonna be like, "Look,
I know I'm not 24, but...
112
00:07:04,542 --> 00:07:06,291
"I have a pool."
113
00:07:08,583 --> 00:07:12,667
"I know I'm not adorable
and coy, but I can pay
all your bills.
114
00:07:12,667 --> 00:07:15,458
I can get you out
of debt today!"
115
00:07:22,208 --> 00:07:24,500
I think even you guys are
confused about what you want.
116
00:07:24,500 --> 00:07:26,959
Like, I think consciously
you guys want strong women,
117
00:07:26,959 --> 00:07:28,792
but subconsciously,
maybe you don't,
118
00:07:28,792 --> 00:07:30,333
like on a primal,
human nature level.
119
00:07:30,333 --> 00:07:32,500
'Cause every time
I ask a guy what they
look for in a girl,
120
00:07:32,500 --> 00:07:34,083
they always say
the same thing.
121
00:07:34,083 --> 00:07:36,208
I'll be like,
"What do you look for
in a girl?" Guys are like,
122
00:07:36,208 --> 00:07:38,166
"You know what I look for
in a girl? I just want a girl
123
00:07:38,166 --> 00:07:40,041
who can carry on
a conversation."
124
00:07:43,667 --> 00:07:45,083
Excuse me?
125
00:07:45,083 --> 00:07:49,750
Have you ever met
a woman who can't carry on
a conversation?
126
00:07:49,750 --> 00:07:52,041
It's, like, the only thing
we're fuckin' good at.
127
00:07:52,041 --> 00:07:53,708
What are you talking about?
128
00:07:53,708 --> 00:07:56,834
And that's literally
the only fight I've never
gotten into with a guy.
129
00:07:56,834 --> 00:07:58,208
No guy's ever been like,
"Hey, Whitney,
130
00:07:58,208 --> 00:08:01,542
can we just have longer
conversations, please?"
131
00:08:01,542 --> 00:08:03,083
(sighs)
132
00:08:06,667 --> 00:08:08,083
You guys are very confusing.
133
00:08:08,083 --> 00:08:10,041
You also say weird shit
when I ask about, like,
134
00:08:10,041 --> 00:08:11,875
what guys find sexy
in a woman.
135
00:08:11,875 --> 00:08:13,542
Every time
I ask that question,
guys'll be like,
136
00:08:13,542 --> 00:08:16,667
"You know what's sexy?
Confidence is sexy."
137
00:08:16,667 --> 00:08:18,250
You sure about that?
138
00:08:18,250 --> 00:08:21,375
Can you imagine
if all of the sudden,
women woke up tomorrow morning
139
00:08:21,375 --> 00:08:24,500
and had high self-esteem
and confidence?
140
00:08:24,500 --> 00:08:28,333
That would be
your worst fuckin' nightmare.
141
00:08:28,333 --> 00:08:31,500
First of all,
we would never talk to you.
142
00:08:31,500 --> 00:08:34,083
We would all be lesbians.
143
00:08:35,291 --> 00:08:38,250
My leg hair would
just be in cornrows.
144
00:08:39,583 --> 00:08:42,041
The entire economy
would collapse, right?
145
00:08:42,041 --> 00:08:45,375
Because capitalism is hinged
on women hating themselves.
146
00:08:45,375 --> 00:08:48,917
If all of a sudden women
had high self-esteem
and confidence,
147
00:08:48,917 --> 00:08:51,041
there would be
two businesses left.
148
00:08:51,041 --> 00:08:54,166
Auntie Anne's Pretzel Stand...
149
00:08:54,166 --> 00:08:56,708
and PajamaJeans.com.
150
00:08:56,708 --> 00:08:58,291
That would be...
151
00:09:00,291 --> 00:09:03,000
the mall.
152
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:08,041
There's so much evidence
in our culture that you guys
like tiny, fragile women.
153
00:09:08,041 --> 00:09:09,625
You know, especially
in our vernacular.
154
00:09:09,625 --> 00:09:12,291
Even the fact that you guys
call us "baby."
155
00:09:12,291 --> 00:09:14,041
No one else
think that's weird?
156
00:09:14,041 --> 00:09:16,208
Especially in
a sexual connotation.
157
00:09:16,208 --> 00:09:19,875
Baby is the only
socially acceptable
increment of age
158
00:09:19,875 --> 00:09:21,625
you can say to a woman
in bed, you know?
159
00:09:21,625 --> 00:09:25,959
You can't be like, "Yeah,
bend over toddler, yeah."
160
00:09:25,959 --> 00:09:29,959
"Yeah, you like that,
preteen? Uhn!"
161
00:09:33,208 --> 00:09:36,250
I don't like it.
I think it's creepy.
162
00:09:36,250 --> 00:09:39,000
That's when a guy calls me
"baby" in bed, I'll be like,
163
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:42,166
"Waah!"
164
00:09:42,166 --> 00:09:45,375
And then I just shit
my pants just to make a point.
165
00:09:50,333 --> 00:09:53,708
Like, you want a baby,
you got one, weirdo.
166
00:09:56,583 --> 00:09:59,834
Guys like girls to be babies,
and guys like girls to be bad.
167
00:09:59,834 --> 00:10:02,708
Right? You guys
like "bad girls."
168
00:10:02,708 --> 00:10:04,208
So bizarre.
169
00:10:04,208 --> 00:10:06,041
It always happens,
you start dating a guy,
170
00:10:06,041 --> 00:10:08,458
it's only a matter of time
before you're having sex
and he's like,
171
00:10:08,458 --> 00:10:11,000
"Are you a bad girl?"
172
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:12,333
I'm always like,
173
00:10:12,333 --> 00:10:14,667
"No.
174
00:10:14,667 --> 00:10:18,667
I pay my taxes on time."
175
00:10:18,667 --> 00:10:21,125
It's like I feel like
I've worked so hard to be
a responsible adult,
176
00:10:21,125 --> 00:10:24,667
I don't even know
how to improvise being
a "bad girl" anymore.
177
00:10:24,667 --> 00:10:28,208
Like, I don't
know what I'd say.
I'm just like, "Uh, yeah.
178
00:10:28,208 --> 00:10:32,333
I had some gluten
today? I don't know.
What do you want?"
179
00:10:32,333 --> 00:10:36,083
And, also, I feel like
before we play this game
of Are You a Bad Girl,
180
00:10:36,083 --> 00:10:39,667
we should agree on
a definition of bad that works
for both of us, okay?
181
00:10:39,667 --> 00:10:42,041
I'm a comedian,
my taste is a little bit off.
182
00:10:42,041 --> 00:10:45,041
If I was really gonna
double down on the
bad girl game, I'd be like,
183
00:10:45,041 --> 00:10:50,250
"Yeah, I'm a bad girl,
I have herpes and I didn't
tell you, yeah."
184
00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:51,959
Man:
No!
"No"?
185
00:10:51,959 --> 00:10:55,667
"It's not--
That's not an aphrodisiac,
okay, right.
186
00:10:55,667 --> 00:10:58,166
We'll circle back,
I'll work on that."
187
00:11:00,708 --> 00:11:03,417
Guys like girls
to be babies, guys like
girls to be bad,
188
00:11:03,417 --> 00:11:05,083
and guys like girls
to be exotic.
189
00:11:05,083 --> 00:11:06,625
Guys are into
exotic girls now.
190
00:11:06,625 --> 00:11:08,208
I know this because
a girlfriend of mine
191
00:11:08,208 --> 00:11:10,000
set me up on a blind date
with this guy,
192
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:12,125
then she called me
and rescinded the date.
193
00:11:12,125 --> 00:11:13,667
She was like, "Yeah,
it's not gonna work out.
194
00:11:13,667 --> 00:11:16,083
I found out he's
only into Cuban girls."
195
00:11:16,083 --> 00:11:19,542
I was like, "All right,
I can put on some self-tanner,
196
00:11:19,542 --> 00:11:23,208
and drink out of
a fucking coconut.
What do you want?"
197
00:11:23,208 --> 00:11:25,250
And she was like, "No,
it's not about the skin color.
198
00:11:25,250 --> 00:11:28,417
"He's not into Brazilian
girls, he's not into Spanish,
it's just Cuban."
199
00:11:28,417 --> 00:11:33,583
And I was trying to figure out
like, what is the fetish of
the island of Cuba? Just Cuba.
200
00:11:33,583 --> 00:11:37,250
The only thing I could deduce
is that Cuban girls must be
super fun to date
201
00:11:37,250 --> 00:11:38,583
'cause they're
super easy to impress
202
00:11:38,583 --> 00:11:40,917
'cause they've never had
American products before.
203
00:11:40,917 --> 00:11:43,667
So, he's like,
"I got you a Coca-Cola."
204
00:11:43,667 --> 00:11:47,083
She's like, "Oh my God,
he's a millionaire!"
205
00:11:52,166 --> 00:11:54,834
Yeah, you guys have to read
the news to get that one.
206
00:11:57,750 --> 00:11:59,500
I think it's gonna be
harder and harder for you guys
207
00:11:59,500 --> 00:12:01,959
to find these kind of weak,
submissive women.
208
00:12:01,959 --> 00:12:04,291
'Cause women aren't like
that anymore. Women are
badasses now.
209
00:12:04,291 --> 00:12:08,000
All my girlfriends are strong,
self-sufficient, have
awesome jobs, you know?
210
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:10,083
And I-- Here's the thing.
211
00:12:10,083 --> 00:12:11,625
I think feminism is working,
212
00:12:11,625 --> 00:12:13,375
but I don't know
if you guys like it.
213
00:12:13,375 --> 00:12:15,917
I think you guys
are mad at us about it,
214
00:12:15,917 --> 00:12:17,917
and it's coming out
in nefarious ways.
215
00:12:17,917 --> 00:12:21,083
Like, the way guys talk
about women has gotten
more aggressive.
216
00:12:21,083 --> 00:12:25,000
The way guys talk about
having sex with women has
gotten super violent.
217
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:27,291
I was talking to a guy
friend of mine a couple
weeks ago,
218
00:12:27,291 --> 00:12:28,750
and he goes,
219
00:12:28,750 --> 00:12:30,875
"I hooked up with
this girl the other night.
220
00:12:30,875 --> 00:12:32,875
Destroyed that shit."
221
00:12:35,166 --> 00:12:37,000
It's like,
"Excuse me?"
222
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:40,583
He goes, "Yeah, dude,
I murdered that shit, bro."
223
00:12:40,583 --> 00:12:43,959
It's like, first of all,
you did not murder her.
224
00:12:43,959 --> 00:12:45,458
She's fine.
225
00:12:45,458 --> 00:12:49,500
She's at home. She might be
a little disappointed,
226
00:12:49,500 --> 00:12:51,291
but she's gonna...
227
00:12:51,291 --> 00:12:57,000
She's gonna get through it.
She survived the wrath
of your murderous dick.
228
00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:59,834
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!
229
00:12:59,834 --> 00:13:01,500
You did not kill her.
230
00:13:01,500 --> 00:13:04,000
You might have given her
a urinary tract infection,
231
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:08,750
but she's gonna--
She's gonna bounce back.
232
00:13:08,750 --> 00:13:11,250
I don't think that's
a healthy way to talk
about women.
233
00:13:11,250 --> 00:13:14,333
And my theory is that
women have gotten stronger,
234
00:13:14,333 --> 00:13:16,000
and as they get
more self-sufficient,
235
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:18,625
you guys are getting
more aggressive towards us.
236
00:13:18,625 --> 00:13:21,333
'Cause 10-15 years ago,
you guys didn't talk
that way about women.
237
00:13:21,333 --> 00:13:24,875
You guys would say, you know,
like, "I'm gonna tap that."
238
00:13:24,875 --> 00:13:26,417
Right? "I'm gonna hit that."
239
00:13:26,417 --> 00:13:28,792
Now it's like,
"I'm gonna murder it."
240
00:13:28,792 --> 00:13:32,166
I feel like in 10 years,
it's gonna be so disgusting.
241
00:13:32,166 --> 00:13:34,542
Guys, you'll be like,
"Hooked up with this
girl the other night.
242
00:13:34,542 --> 00:13:37,708
"Scalped the bitch, bro.
243
00:13:37,708 --> 00:13:40,500
"She's a full amputee now.
244
00:13:40,500 --> 00:13:43,375
"Motherfucking no legs.
245
00:13:43,375 --> 00:13:46,125
"Eats from a tube.
246
00:13:46,125 --> 00:13:48,959
"My dick.
247
00:13:48,959 --> 00:13:51,875
You know Helen Keller?
My dick did that."
248
00:13:55,542 --> 00:13:57,291
It's too much.
249
00:13:57,291 --> 00:13:58,583
I don't think
music is helping.
250
00:13:58,583 --> 00:14:01,083
Music has gotten
so rude towards women.
251
00:14:01,083 --> 00:14:03,500
Have you guys
heard the song "Fight Night."
252
00:14:03,500 --> 00:14:05,417
No black people here?
That's embarrassing.
253
00:14:07,500 --> 00:14:10,417
Santa Monica.
Hashtag Santa Monica.
254
00:14:10,417 --> 00:14:13,250
(laughter, applause)
255
00:14:13,250 --> 00:14:16,542
Are you applauding?
Like, some kind of
white power rally?
256
00:14:16,542 --> 00:14:18,417
Don't applaud that!
257
00:14:18,417 --> 00:14:20,875
Oh, God.
258
00:14:22,291 --> 00:14:25,875
The song goes,
"I'm gonna knock
that pussy out
259
00:14:25,875 --> 00:14:27,583
like it's fight night."
260
00:14:27,583 --> 00:14:29,083
That's a song.
261
00:14:29,083 --> 00:14:31,792
There's another song that says
"I'm gonna beat
that pussy up."
262
00:14:31,792 --> 00:14:35,917
I'm like, I'm sorry,
what did our vaginas
ever do to you?
263
00:14:35,917 --> 00:14:38,166
Besides give you life
264
00:14:38,166 --> 00:14:41,667
and make you feel amazing
all the time?
265
00:14:41,667 --> 00:14:44,667
How 'bout instead
of beating it up
and knocking it out,
266
00:14:44,667 --> 00:14:47,625
how 'bout maybe, I don't know,
giving it an orgasm?
267
00:14:47,625 --> 00:14:49,125
I don't know.
268
00:14:49,125 --> 00:14:51,750
(cheering, applause)
269
00:14:53,750 --> 00:14:56,875
I would like
to hear that song.
270
00:14:56,875 --> 00:14:59,083
"I'm gonna make you
climax, girl.
271
00:14:59,083 --> 00:15:01,291
I'm gonna make you
trust me."
272
00:15:01,291 --> 00:15:02,542
I...
273
00:15:02,542 --> 00:15:04,083
(laughter)
274
00:15:04,083 --> 00:15:06,750
I would like
to hear that song.
275
00:15:07,625 --> 00:15:09,542
I feel like we need
more music
276
00:15:09,542 --> 00:15:11,875
that's promoting
women's pleasure
or something,
277
00:15:11,875 --> 00:15:15,458
because I feel like it's--
guys don't even care if girls
have orgasms anymore.
278
00:15:15,458 --> 00:15:18,333
Maybe it's just 'cause I'm 30.
I don't know. Maybe you
don't have that problem.
279
00:15:18,333 --> 00:15:21,125
But... I dated
a guy for three months,
280
00:15:21,125 --> 00:15:23,333
did not have
an orgasm one time.
281
00:15:23,333 --> 00:15:24,667
So, finally I said to him--
282
00:15:24,667 --> 00:15:26,834
I was like, "Hey, should we
maybe talk about me
283
00:15:26,834 --> 00:15:28,917
(mumbles)
having an orgasm?"
284
00:15:28,917 --> 00:15:35,500
And his genuine response,
he goes, "Ohhh. You're not?"
285
00:15:35,500 --> 00:15:39,583
I was like, "Dude.
If I was having an orgasm,
you would know. Okay?
286
00:15:39,583 --> 00:15:43,834
'Cause afterwards,
I would be crying and
planning our wedding."
287
00:15:46,041 --> 00:15:51,125
I'd be on the computer--
TheKnot.com-- very busy.
288
00:15:53,291 --> 00:15:54,750
I blame rappers.
289
00:15:54,750 --> 00:15:57,417
It's not just male
rappers, female rappers
are just as bad.
290
00:15:57,417 --> 00:15:58,792
You guys know Nicki Minaj?
291
00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:00,417
Yeah, big Nicki Minaj fans?
292
00:16:00,417 --> 00:16:02,458
I used to love Nicki Minaj.
293
00:16:02,458 --> 00:16:04,708
But then I heard her talk,
294
00:16:04,708 --> 00:16:07,208
and it wasn't good.
295
00:16:07,208 --> 00:16:09,750
So, she sounded like
such a hypocrite,
296
00:16:09,750 --> 00:16:12,375
and I think she's a bad
role model 'cause she was up
there, and she was like,
297
00:16:12,375 --> 00:16:15,875
"You know, men don't
respect me in the rap game
because I'm a woman,
298
00:16:15,875 --> 00:16:17,583
and people don't respect me
'cause I'm a woman."
299
00:16:17,583 --> 00:16:21,667
I was like, no, no, no.
Uh, not at all.
300
00:16:21,667 --> 00:16:26,834
We don't respect you
'cause we can see
your asshole.
301
00:16:28,917 --> 00:16:32,000
Has nothing to do
with the fact that you're
a woman, okay?
302
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:35,125
We respected Mary J. Blige
just fine.
303
00:16:35,125 --> 00:16:36,542
Here's my point.
304
00:16:36,542 --> 00:16:38,625
I think that women
should be able
to be sexy and glamorous,
305
00:16:38,625 --> 00:16:40,125
and feminine and professional.
306
00:16:40,125 --> 00:16:41,458
You could be
a myriad of things.
307
00:16:41,458 --> 00:16:43,583
But as you're getting
dressed for your album cover,
308
00:16:43,583 --> 00:16:48,875
you also have to acknowledge
basic human nature
and neurology, okay?
309
00:16:48,875 --> 00:16:54,250
You have to acknowledge
the fact that men's brains are
basically only designed
310
00:16:54,250 --> 00:16:56,917
to look for holes.
311
00:16:56,917 --> 00:17:00,000
It's pretty much
all they're doing
at any given moment,
312
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:02,792
just scanning for crevices.
313
00:17:02,792 --> 00:17:07,667
They're like gophers,
just looking for holes
to get into.
314
00:17:07,667 --> 00:17:11,708
Counting, like, two, four...
eight, that's a golf course.
315
00:17:11,708 --> 00:17:13,625
Constantly adding them up.
316
00:17:15,417 --> 00:17:17,250
So, sometimes we have
to help you guys out.
317
00:17:17,250 --> 00:17:19,125
You get very
distracted by that, right?
318
00:17:19,125 --> 00:17:21,000
When I look
at Nicki Minaj's ass,
319
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:24,041
I think awful, terrible,
shameful things.
320
00:17:24,041 --> 00:17:26,959
I'll be like, "Yeah, I bet
if I hit that from behind
that shit would pop."
321
00:17:26,959 --> 00:17:28,500
I'm like,
"Oh, my God!"
322
00:17:28,500 --> 00:17:31,250
So, I can't even imagine
what you guys are thinking,
you know?
323
00:17:31,250 --> 00:17:32,542
And here's the thing,
I'm a comedian.
324
00:17:32,542 --> 00:17:34,166
I want you guys to listen
to what I'm saying,
325
00:17:34,166 --> 00:17:36,208
I want you to think
I'm funny, I want you
to focus.
326
00:17:36,208 --> 00:17:39,625
So, I'm not gonna do stand-up
like this...
327
00:17:39,625 --> 00:17:41,291
(laughter)
328
00:17:43,125 --> 00:17:44,750
(cheering)
329
00:17:44,750 --> 00:17:47,458
This is not the most
effective way to do
stand-up, right?
330
00:17:47,458 --> 00:17:50,458
I'm not gonna be like,
"Hey, guys, did you see that
election coverage last night?
331
00:17:50,458 --> 00:17:52,500
"Yeah!" No.
332
00:17:52,500 --> 00:17:55,291
You can't focus because
if I'm standing like this,
333
00:17:55,291 --> 00:17:57,458
you're either looking
at my ass,
334
00:17:57,458 --> 00:17:58,959
which you're not,
335
00:17:58,959 --> 00:18:01,583
which is very insulting.
336
00:18:01,583 --> 00:18:03,291
Is that your girlfriend?
337
00:18:03,291 --> 00:18:04,625
Right there?
338
00:18:04,625 --> 00:18:05,834
Yes?
339
00:18:05,834 --> 00:18:07,125
She-- He goes,
340
00:18:07,125 --> 00:18:10,500
"Clearly."
341
00:18:10,500 --> 00:18:12,500
Why, because you're not
allowed to look at an ass
342
00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:13,834
that's two feet
in front of your face?
343
00:18:13,834 --> 00:18:16,375
I like her. She runs
a tight ship. I respect that.
344
00:18:17,792 --> 00:18:20,625
He did not even look.
345
00:18:20,625 --> 00:18:23,166
So regardless,
you're either looking
at my ass,
346
00:18:23,166 --> 00:18:26,500
or worrying about my knees,
one of the two.
347
00:18:26,500 --> 00:18:28,458
So, that's not
the best position,
348
00:18:28,458 --> 00:18:30,959
and I think that that's
just a hypocritical way
to operate
349
00:18:30,959 --> 00:18:33,583
because guys can't have
their dicks out, you know?
350
00:18:33,583 --> 00:18:35,625
Like, male rappers can't
rap with their dicks out.
351
00:18:35,625 --> 00:18:38,583
If I saw a male rapper
with his dick out, I wouldn't
be respecting him either,
352
00:18:38,583 --> 00:18:40,333
or listening
to what he was saying.
353
00:18:40,333 --> 00:18:43,458
If I saw a male rapper
with his dick out, I would
be calling the police,
354
00:18:43,458 --> 00:18:46,708
which is such a testament
to the nature of man.
355
00:18:46,708 --> 00:18:49,208
That when a woman is naked,
you're like, "Look at
that beautiful woman,"
356
00:18:49,208 --> 00:18:54,417
and when a man is naked,
you're like, "There was
a crime.
357
00:18:54,417 --> 00:18:57,250
Something horrible
happened over there, guys."
358
00:18:59,625 --> 00:19:02,542
It's an interesting time.
We're living in
a fascinating time.
359
00:19:02,542 --> 00:19:05,125
We're living in a time
where women have money, okay?
360
00:19:05,125 --> 00:19:07,000
Which is-- Do you realize
how new that is, right?
361
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:08,875
That's like
30 years old, or something,
362
00:19:08,875 --> 00:19:10,708
and there's no blueprint
for how to operate,
363
00:19:10,708 --> 00:19:12,750
and I think it's really
messing up the power dynamic.
364
00:19:12,750 --> 00:19:15,542
Like, the fact that I can
pay my own bills, that's
such a big deal for me.
365
00:19:15,542 --> 00:19:18,208
I thought that making money
was gonna solve
all my problems,
366
00:19:18,208 --> 00:19:19,792
especially my
relationship problems.
367
00:19:19,792 --> 00:19:22,625
'Cause when I was in my 20s,
I had to date guys that
had money
368
00:19:22,625 --> 00:19:23,750
'cause I didn't have any.
369
00:19:23,750 --> 00:19:25,208
But now that I make
my own money,
370
00:19:25,208 --> 00:19:30,834
I felt like it opened up
this whole new pool
of broke guys
371
00:19:30,834 --> 00:19:32,959
that I couldn't date before,
372
00:19:32,959 --> 00:19:34,875
so I've been doing that.
373
00:19:34,875 --> 00:19:37,375
They're much nicer.
374
00:19:37,375 --> 00:19:40,792
And the last guy I dated,
I paid for everything.
375
00:19:40,792 --> 00:19:42,583
I paid for trips,
I paid for dinners,
376
00:19:42,583 --> 00:19:45,417
and now that I've sort of
been the man in
the relationship,
377
00:19:45,417 --> 00:19:47,208
now that I've been
in your shoes,
378
00:19:47,208 --> 00:19:51,917
I now understand why
you guys hate us.
379
00:19:51,917 --> 00:19:56,917
It's 'cause we owe you
so much fucking money.
380
00:19:56,917 --> 00:20:00,375
And something
happens psychologically
381
00:20:00,375 --> 00:20:02,959
when you start to pay
for someone where you start
to hate them.
382
00:20:02,959 --> 00:20:05,166
Start to hate everything
about them. You resent them.
383
00:20:05,166 --> 00:20:07,792
You start keeping score
of everything they do.
384
00:20:07,792 --> 00:20:10,792
One day he came home.
He was drinking
a coconut water.
385
00:20:15,041 --> 00:20:19,458
It's like, "Coconut water?
What are you, the queen
of fucking England?
386
00:20:19,458 --> 00:20:24,000
"How 'bout you drink out
of the tap like a goddamn
man, how 'bout that?"
387
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,625
And then they nag you.
They always need something
from you, you know?
388
00:20:26,625 --> 00:20:29,792
He'd be like, "Do you wanna go
to dinner?" I'm like,
"You just ate yesterday.
389
00:20:29,792 --> 00:20:35,000
Do you have a tapeworm?
What's the problem?"
390
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:38,291
I feel like I now understand
why you guys are always so
disappointed in us, too.
391
00:20:38,291 --> 00:20:40,625
'Cause something happens
when you start paying
for someone
392
00:20:40,625 --> 00:20:43,625
where you start to get
these high expectations
for their behavior.
393
00:20:43,625 --> 00:20:45,125
Like, as soon as I started
paying for him,
394
00:20:45,125 --> 00:20:49,625
I started expecting him
to like, do chores out
of nowhere.
395
00:20:49,625 --> 00:20:52,291
Like, one night we went
to dinner, I spent $200
on dinner,
396
00:20:52,291 --> 00:20:55,166
the next morning I woke up,
I was like, "This is weird,
397
00:20:55,166 --> 00:20:59,333
"it's 8:00 a.m.,
and I don't smell eggs.
398
00:21:00,959 --> 00:21:03,542
Yeah, chop-chop, bitch.
Mommy's hungry."
399
00:21:09,166 --> 00:21:10,708
It's tricky.
400
00:21:10,708 --> 00:21:13,875
I also started noticing
all these, like,
unspoken rules that happen
401
00:21:13,875 --> 00:21:15,834
with the expectations
based on who pays.
402
00:21:15,834 --> 00:21:17,917
Like, the expectation if
the man pays for the woman
403
00:21:17,917 --> 00:21:20,333
is that she's gonna
have sex with you, right?
404
00:21:20,333 --> 00:21:21,792
But when I was
paying for the man,
405
00:21:21,792 --> 00:21:25,166
the expectation was I am not
gonna have sex with you,
406
00:21:25,166 --> 00:21:30,166
and we're gonna stay up
all night talking about
my dreams.
407
00:21:30,166 --> 00:21:33,542
We're gonna read some
horoscopes tonight, bitch.
408
00:21:35,542 --> 00:21:39,500
And then I saw, like,
all the insidious
institutionalized sexism.
409
00:21:39,500 --> 00:21:40,875
Like, every time
we would go to dinner,
410
00:21:40,875 --> 00:21:43,625
the waiter would
automatically give
him the check.
411
00:21:43,625 --> 00:21:45,542
And then he would
fucking take it,
412
00:21:45,542 --> 00:21:48,166
and then when the waiter
would leave, he would slide
it over to me.
413
00:21:48,166 --> 00:21:52,125
I was like,
"Oh, hell no!"
414
00:21:52,125 --> 00:21:53,917
If you take the check,
you're paying.
415
00:21:53,917 --> 00:21:56,750
You better find yourself
a Groupon real fast.
416
00:22:01,041 --> 00:22:04,166
And now I feel like
I fully understand the term
that "money is power."
417
00:22:04,166 --> 00:22:06,250
That's such a cliche thing
to say, but it really is true
418
00:22:06,250 --> 00:22:09,250
that whoever has
the money in the relationship
has the power,
419
00:22:09,250 --> 00:22:11,875
and has the leverage,
and can behave however
they want.
420
00:22:11,875 --> 00:22:14,625
Like, you know this is true.
'Cause every time you see
a super ugly guy
421
00:22:14,625 --> 00:22:17,291
with a hot girl,
what's the first thing
you think?
422
00:22:17,291 --> 00:22:19,083
Yeah. Homeboy's rich.
423
00:22:19,083 --> 00:22:20,750
And she's about
to get evicted.
424
00:22:20,750 --> 00:22:23,291
You know exactly
what's happening there.
425
00:22:23,291 --> 00:22:24,750
And then they just
let it all go.
426
00:22:24,750 --> 00:22:26,834
And when as soon as I realized
I had that power,
427
00:22:26,834 --> 00:22:29,083
I just let everything go.
I was just, like...
428
00:22:29,083 --> 00:22:32,417
no thongs,
just wearin' men's boxers.
429
00:22:32,417 --> 00:22:34,250
Just stopped
plucking my eyebrows.
430
00:22:34,250 --> 00:22:36,625
Just had
one Frida Kahlo eyebrow.
431
00:22:36,625 --> 00:22:38,583
Just dreadlocks
comin' out of my armpits.
432
00:22:38,583 --> 00:22:41,250
I was a monster.
It was awesome.
433
00:22:42,625 --> 00:22:46,041
I also get now
why people stay
in relationships too long.
434
00:22:46,041 --> 00:22:48,625
Because money makes
things stickier.
435
00:22:48,625 --> 00:22:51,000
Like, I feel like I stayed
in that relationship three
months too long
436
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:53,792
just 'cause I didn't want
to get a bad return
on my money.
437
00:22:53,792 --> 00:22:57,333
Because dating is such
a terrible investment.
438
00:22:57,333 --> 00:23:00,458
Which made me think, like,
I can't believe we just run
around spending money
439
00:23:00,458 --> 00:23:02,458
on relationships that we don't
know is gonna work out.
440
00:23:02,458 --> 00:23:04,208
It's a terrible investment.
441
00:23:04,208 --> 00:23:07,458
I feel like there should be
some kind of insurance
in place to protect us.
442
00:23:07,458 --> 00:23:11,458
Like, I feel like dating
should be like checking
into a hotel.
443
00:23:11,458 --> 00:23:13,500
Okay, you and I are gonna
start dating.
444
00:23:13,500 --> 00:23:17,458
As soon as we start dating,
you have to put your credit
card down.
445
00:23:17,458 --> 00:23:19,166
Three months later,
if you want to break up,
446
00:23:19,166 --> 00:23:21,834
I'll be like, "All right,
well, let's look at your bill.
447
00:23:23,125 --> 00:23:29,208
Yeah, you owe me $3,200
or you can't fucking leave."
448
00:23:29,208 --> 00:23:33,417
And now that I've spent
my hard-earned money on
someone that I never see,
449
00:23:33,417 --> 00:23:36,250
I can't stand that it's
just assumed that you guys
pay for everything.
450
00:23:36,250 --> 00:23:38,542
I think that is so messed up.
I'm on your guys' side
about this.
451
00:23:38,542 --> 00:23:42,500
I think it's insane that it's
just socially constructed
that you pay for everything.
452
00:23:42,500 --> 00:23:44,000
I think that's nuts.
453
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,166
I actually think if you guys
take a girl to dinner
three times
454
00:23:46,166 --> 00:23:47,917
and you pay,
and then you never hear
from her again,
455
00:23:47,917 --> 00:23:50,166
I think you should be able
to call the police.
456
00:23:52,208 --> 00:23:54,000
That's some bullshit.
457
00:23:56,291 --> 00:23:59,583
I am very ashamed
of how the relationship
ended, though.
458
00:23:59,583 --> 00:24:02,667
I'm embarrassed about it,
but I think it's important
to talk about.
459
00:24:02,667 --> 00:24:04,542
I think I just lost
respect for him
460
00:24:04,542 --> 00:24:07,041
because he wasn't contributing
in any way financially.
461
00:24:07,041 --> 00:24:09,917
Which is messed up because
I feel like women don't
contribute to relationships
462
00:24:09,917 --> 00:24:11,333
all the time,
and that's okay.
463
00:24:11,333 --> 00:24:13,959
But I think the problem
is human nature.
464
00:24:13,959 --> 00:24:17,000
I think for evolutionary
purposes, we are hardwired
465
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:20,500
to stop being sexually
attracted to men when they
show any kind of weakness.
466
00:24:20,500 --> 00:24:24,125
And I know this is true
'cause one time I was dating
this guy,
467
00:24:24,125 --> 00:24:27,125
I was madly in love with him.
Like, I thought that we were
gonna get married.
468
00:24:27,125 --> 00:24:28,959
We're walking down
the street,
469
00:24:28,959 --> 00:24:32,375
and he tripped and fell.
470
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:39,250
And I instantly fell out
of love with him.
471
00:24:39,250 --> 00:24:43,959
I just-- Like, I couldn't--
Like, I was embarrassed
to even be near him.
472
00:24:43,959 --> 00:24:46,959
Like, I was disgusted by him.
473
00:24:46,959 --> 00:24:48,875
I think my primal brain
was like,
474
00:24:48,875 --> 00:24:51,583
"No, he is not a provider.
475
00:24:51,583 --> 00:24:53,500
"He cannot protect you.
476
00:24:53,500 --> 00:24:56,875
"He's a danger to you
and the whole tribe.
477
00:24:56,875 --> 00:24:59,375
The whole species
is in trouble."
478
00:25:01,083 --> 00:25:02,917
It's cold-blooded, man.
479
00:25:02,917 --> 00:25:04,708
Cold-blooded.
480
00:25:04,708 --> 00:25:07,708
I love that women have
money now. It's so cool.
481
00:25:07,708 --> 00:25:09,750
But I feel like there's still
this residual stereotype.
482
00:25:09,750 --> 00:25:13,083
Even though women have money,
there's this stereotype that
all women are gold-diggers.
483
00:25:13,083 --> 00:25:15,542
You know, like all my guy
friends truly believe
484
00:25:15,542 --> 00:25:18,583
that women want to have sex
with them, get pregnant
with their baby,
485
00:25:18,583 --> 00:25:20,875
and just take everything
for all they're worth.
486
00:25:20,875 --> 00:25:24,583
Take them for
all their... shorts.
487
00:25:24,583 --> 00:25:27,625
I don't want your shorts.
Okay? I'm not interested.
488
00:25:27,625 --> 00:25:30,458
I know that this is true,
'cause last year I dated a guy
489
00:25:30,458 --> 00:25:33,083
who treated me
like I was a gold-digger.
490
00:25:33,083 --> 00:25:36,083
Backstory: First of all,
he did not have a job.
491
00:25:36,083 --> 00:25:37,041
That's important.
492
00:25:37,041 --> 00:25:39,000
The second is kind of graphic,
493
00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:41,750
which is that something
happened to me when
I turned 30
494
00:25:41,750 --> 00:25:44,291
where I just could not
use condoms anymore.
495
00:25:44,291 --> 00:25:45,959
I'd--
(cheering)
496
00:25:45,959 --> 00:25:49,417
Oh, okay. Well, that's
really aggressive.
497
00:25:52,792 --> 00:25:54,625
Just... troubling.
498
00:25:54,625 --> 00:25:58,333
No, I think
it's actually because
I got health insurance.
499
00:25:58,333 --> 00:26:01,792
Something happens when you
get health insurance.
It's very liberating.
500
00:26:01,792 --> 00:26:04,583
I was like, "This is
Obamacare's problem now.
501
00:26:04,583 --> 00:26:07,458
It's not my problem."
502
00:26:07,458 --> 00:26:10,375
So, I said to him,
I was like, "Hey, I don't
have anything,
503
00:26:10,375 --> 00:26:12,792
so if you don't have
anything, let's just not
use condoms."
504
00:26:12,792 --> 00:26:15,500
And he's like, "Yeah, but
I feel like we should still
use condoms, you know,
505
00:26:15,500 --> 00:26:16,792
like, so you don't
get pregnant."
506
00:26:16,792 --> 00:26:18,959
I was like, "Oh, no.
We're good. I'm on the pill."
507
00:26:18,959 --> 00:26:20,750
He was like,
"Yeah, but the pill,
508
00:26:20,750 --> 00:26:23,125
it's only 98% effective."
509
00:26:24,125 --> 00:26:25,708
I was like, "I'm sorry.
510
00:26:25,708 --> 00:26:32,708
"Do you think that I want
your broke-ass fucking baby?
511
00:26:32,708 --> 00:26:36,959
"You think I'm scamming
to get your shitty kid?
512
00:26:36,959 --> 00:26:39,125
"So I can take you
for all you're worth?
513
00:26:39,125 --> 00:26:42,750
"What am I gonna take,
your fucking roommates?
514
00:26:42,750 --> 00:26:47,166
"The five grown-ass
men you live with
in a studio apartment?
515
00:26:48,959 --> 00:26:52,500
"I'm not a gold-digger.
I'm the one with
the gold, dummy.
516
00:26:52,500 --> 00:26:55,041
"Okay, trust me, if I got
pregnant with your child,
517
00:26:55,041 --> 00:27:00,000
"my lawyer would come over,
and they would... terminate
that shit himself, okay?
518
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:01,959
We're good.
We're fine."
519
00:27:03,250 --> 00:27:06,208
Ridiculous.
520
00:27:06,208 --> 00:27:09,208
I don't want a white baby.
What am I gonna do
with a white baby?
521
00:27:09,208 --> 00:27:12,041
That's embarrassing.
522
00:27:12,041 --> 00:27:15,208
I'd like to think
I'm a little more
successful than that.
523
00:27:21,125 --> 00:27:23,583
Brings me to a topic
I'm very passionate about,
524
00:27:23,583 --> 00:27:26,250
which is birth control options
that are available to women.
525
00:27:26,250 --> 00:27:30,250
I can't believe that we don't
have better options for
birth control.
526
00:27:30,250 --> 00:27:32,542
They all drive me crazy.
What are you on?
527
00:27:32,542 --> 00:27:34,667
What are you taking?
It's an IUD.
528
00:27:34,667 --> 00:27:37,500
You have an IUD. Come up here,
we're gonna take it out.
529
00:27:39,417 --> 00:27:40,667
I hate this product.
530
00:27:40,667 --> 00:27:42,792
Is yours plastic or metal?
531
00:27:42,792 --> 00:27:44,500
Plastic.
Yours is plastic.
532
00:27:44,500 --> 00:27:49,750
Okay, well, she's got
a McDonalds toy in her body
right now.
533
00:27:49,750 --> 00:27:51,792
Most of them are metal,
some are plastic.
534
00:27:51,792 --> 00:27:54,834
Most of them are a little
piece of metal they put
inside your uterus.
535
00:27:54,834 --> 00:27:57,583
I'm like, I don't want
metal inside my body.
536
00:27:57,583 --> 00:28:01,125
I don't wanna be going through
airport security
537
00:28:01,125 --> 00:28:03,458
and having the guys behind
the x-ray machine like,
538
00:28:03,458 --> 00:28:06,959
"Oh, look at this slut
coming through.
539
00:28:06,959 --> 00:28:11,125
"This bitch had to put
a tin can up in there
540
00:28:11,125 --> 00:28:14,750
to stop all that sperm."
541
00:28:14,750 --> 00:28:17,083
No, I don't want
metal in my body.
542
00:28:17,083 --> 00:28:18,750
What if there's a storm?
543
00:28:21,625 --> 00:28:24,792
"Guys, I can't make it
tonight, it's raining."
544
00:28:26,125 --> 00:28:27,583
I hate this product.
545
00:28:27,583 --> 00:28:30,125
Mostly because, like,
they would never develop
that product for men.
546
00:28:30,125 --> 00:28:32,417
That would never be a product
on the market for men.
547
00:28:32,417 --> 00:28:33,917
Right? You and I would
never be dating,
548
00:28:33,917 --> 00:28:36,166
and you'd be like,
"Babe, what should we do
for birth control?"
549
00:28:36,166 --> 00:28:38,708
I'd be like,
"I have an idea.
550
00:28:38,708 --> 00:28:45,458
"How about we take a metal rod
and put it up your dick hole,
551
00:28:45,458 --> 00:28:49,125
"and leave it there
for about five years,
552
00:28:49,125 --> 00:28:53,250
or until it gets infected.
Is that a good idea?"
553
00:28:54,917 --> 00:28:56,291
I hate this product.
554
00:28:56,291 --> 00:28:58,250
And it has like,
three pages of side effects.
555
00:28:58,250 --> 00:29:01,583
I can't believe that they
release a product with
three pages of side effects.
556
00:29:01,583 --> 00:29:03,708
I'm like,
"Go back, it's not ready."
557
00:29:03,708 --> 00:29:05,959
I looked at the side effects
for the IUD.
558
00:29:05,959 --> 00:29:10,375
It was like migraines,
abdominal pain,
and depression.
559
00:29:10,375 --> 00:29:12,792
I was like, "I might as well
have a fucking kid."
560
00:29:18,875 --> 00:29:21,458
What about you?
What are you up to?
561
00:29:21,458 --> 00:29:22,375
Pill.
562
00:29:22,375 --> 00:29:24,083
The pill.
Do you know which one?
563
00:29:24,083 --> 00:29:25,667
No?
564
00:29:25,667 --> 00:29:27,166
This fucking generation, man.
565
00:29:27,166 --> 00:29:29,667
They don't even--
They'll just put anything
in their mouths.
566
00:29:29,667 --> 00:29:32,708
They don't even care.
Like, "Oh, poison? Fine."
567
00:29:32,708 --> 00:29:34,917
You don't even--
Do you know what color
the box is, at least?
568
00:29:34,917 --> 00:29:36,208
It's pink.
It's pink.
569
00:29:36,208 --> 00:29:38,875
Motherfuckers.
570
00:29:38,875 --> 00:29:40,708
I hate that.
That drives me nuts.
571
00:29:40,708 --> 00:29:43,500
Like, that is so--
Everything about the pill
is insulting to me.
572
00:29:43,500 --> 00:29:46,166
The fact they make
the box pink.
The pill is pink,
573
00:29:46,166 --> 00:29:49,000
as if all women
just like, love pink.
574
00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:50,959
And if the pill being pink
575
00:29:50,959 --> 00:29:53,542
affects your decision
of whether you're gonna
take it or not,
576
00:29:53,542 --> 00:29:59,208
that means you're 10 years old
and you're too young to be on
birth control anyway, okay?
577
00:29:59,208 --> 00:30:02,708
Second of all, if you want
me to remember to take my pill
every day, don't make it pink.
578
00:30:02,708 --> 00:30:06,375
Make it in the shape
of tiny crying babies.
579
00:30:13,208 --> 00:30:14,667
I can't stand the pill.
580
00:30:14,667 --> 00:30:16,875
I actually just
read this article
about how the pill works.
581
00:30:16,875 --> 00:30:21,000
Basically, the way the pill
works is it tricks your body
into thinking you're pregnant.
582
00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:24,750
Your brain starts producing
the same neurochemicals
and hormones
583
00:30:24,750 --> 00:30:26,917
as if your body
is pregnant, you know this.
584
00:30:26,917 --> 00:30:28,917
You watch Oprah. Good girl.
585
00:30:28,917 --> 00:30:32,041
And then you start being
attracted to more alpha males.
586
00:30:32,041 --> 00:30:34,041
Their pheromones start
smelling stronger,
587
00:30:34,041 --> 00:30:35,625
and you're attracted
to alpha males,
588
00:30:35,625 --> 00:30:38,208
the kind of man that could
protect your future offspring.
589
00:30:38,208 --> 00:30:39,917
The problem
is that in modern times
590
00:30:39,917 --> 00:30:43,500
alpha males are signified
by tattoos and motorcycles,
591
00:30:43,500 --> 00:30:48,083
which explains why I've been
dating such assholes since
I'm 15 years old.
592
00:30:48,083 --> 00:30:50,708
The way that it works is that
I meet a nice, sensitive guy
593
00:30:50,708 --> 00:30:52,417
I want to share
my future with.
594
00:30:52,417 --> 00:30:54,417
I start taking birth control
to plan it,
595
00:30:54,417 --> 00:30:58,083
and then all of a sudden,
I only can have an orgasm
if I smell Axe body spray.
596
00:30:58,083 --> 00:31:00,834
That's not fair.
597
00:31:00,834 --> 00:31:05,959
And it's an example of how
biology has not yet caught up
with modern technology.
598
00:31:05,959 --> 00:31:09,333
It's the 21st century,
I don't need an alpha male
to protect me.
599
00:31:09,333 --> 00:31:11,125
We have street lights, okay?
600
00:31:11,125 --> 00:31:13,792
We have alarm systems.
I don't need an alpha male.
601
00:31:13,792 --> 00:31:18,542
I need a guy with fast Wi-Fi,
so I can google "Can I take
Xanax while pregnant?"
602
00:31:18,542 --> 00:31:22,125
That's my baby's father.
603
00:31:22,125 --> 00:31:25,542
Okay? I don't need a big,
strong man to fight off
a tiger.
604
00:31:25,542 --> 00:31:28,959
I need a geek who can get
my naked photos off the cloud.
605
00:31:33,375 --> 00:31:34,917
I hate the pill.
606
00:31:34,917 --> 00:31:37,458
Everything about the packaging
of the pill is so insulting.
607
00:31:37,458 --> 00:31:41,750
Like, even the fact that it's
the only medication that comes
with a calendar.
608
00:31:41,750 --> 00:31:45,291
Like we're too stupid
to remember to take our
pill every day.
609
00:31:45,291 --> 00:31:48,834
The guys that developed it
are like, "They can't handle
taking their pill every day,
610
00:31:48,834 --> 00:31:52,458
"so let's make it look like
a tiny advent calendar,
611
00:31:52,458 --> 00:31:55,208
"and we'll trick them into
taking it. They'll be like,
612
00:31:55,208 --> 00:31:58,792
"'Ooh, chocolate?
Gobble, gobble, gobble.'"
613
00:32:01,375 --> 00:32:03,542
I feel like the calendar's
actually for you guys.
614
00:32:03,542 --> 00:32:07,041
'Cause I know you guys like,
go and look at our pill
at 2:00 in the morning,
615
00:32:07,041 --> 00:32:11,458
and you're like,
"Oh, Wednesday's empty,
thank God."
616
00:32:11,458 --> 00:32:15,083
And then the packaging
annoys me also, because
they try to disguise it.
617
00:32:15,083 --> 00:32:17,166
Like, they always try to make
the pill box look like--
618
00:32:17,166 --> 00:32:21,500
like a makeup compact
or something that would be
camouflaged in your purse.
619
00:32:21,500 --> 00:32:24,000
Like, guess what?
If I'm on birth control,
I don't wanna hide it.
620
00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:26,000
I want everyone
to know about it.
621
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:28,000
Okay? When I'm
on birth control,
I walk into a bar,
622
00:32:28,000 --> 00:32:32,333
and I'm like, "Bitches,
I can't get pregnaaaant!"
623
00:32:32,333 --> 00:32:35,375
Just free drinks all night.
That's how you roll.
624
00:32:37,834 --> 00:32:42,417
They put so much effort into
trying to make sure we don't
forget to take our pill.
625
00:32:42,417 --> 00:32:43,917
Like, they make a patch.
626
00:32:43,917 --> 00:32:45,375
Have you heard of
the birth control patch?
627
00:32:45,375 --> 00:32:47,875
It's like a sticker
you put on your shoulder
628
00:32:47,875 --> 00:32:50,333
that administers
the medication for you.
629
00:32:50,333 --> 00:32:52,375
It's like, can you imagine
getting a girl naked
630
00:32:52,375 --> 00:32:55,708
and seeing a giant patch?
631
00:32:55,708 --> 00:32:59,500
Like, "Ooh, she's slutty
and she has a bad memory.
632
00:33:00,667 --> 00:33:04,875
That's wifey material.
Put a ring on that shit."
633
00:33:08,041 --> 00:33:11,125
So, I told my doctor
I didn't want to use
birth control pills anymore,
634
00:33:11,125 --> 00:33:13,834
and she was like,
"Oh, well, you should use
the morning after pill.
635
00:33:13,834 --> 00:33:16,417
You know,
the plan B pill is now
available over-the-counter."
636
00:33:16,417 --> 00:33:19,208
I'm just like,
"How lazy can you be?"
637
00:33:19,208 --> 00:33:22,041
The guy's like,
"Do you have a condom?"
I'm like, "Ugh.
638
00:33:22,041 --> 00:33:24,917
Let's just deal
with it in the morning."
639
00:33:28,834 --> 00:33:31,291
Which, by the way,
we're not gonna deal
with it in the morning.
640
00:33:31,291 --> 00:33:32,875
I'm the one that has
to deal with it.
641
00:33:32,875 --> 00:33:35,750
I'm the one who has
to wake up at 6:00 a.m.
and go stand in line.
642
00:33:35,750 --> 00:33:39,750
And you realize the morning
after pill is $49?
643
00:33:39,750 --> 00:33:42,792
I have never had sex
with a guy and the next
morning been like,
644
00:33:42,792 --> 00:33:45,959
"Yeah, that was
worth 50 bucks."
645
00:33:50,166 --> 00:33:54,250
And it's not just 50 bucks
'cause you can't just buy
a morning after pill alone
646
00:33:54,250 --> 00:33:56,875
or the cashier's gonna
think you're a slut.
647
00:33:56,875 --> 00:34:02,834
So, you gotta buy a bunch
of other products to put
on top of it to hide it.
648
00:34:02,834 --> 00:34:05,667
You know? You gotta crowd it
with like, Q-tips and floss,
649
00:34:05,667 --> 00:34:08,625
and a bunch of other shit
you're never gonna use.
650
00:34:10,959 --> 00:34:12,708
What else is there?
Am I missing anything?
651
00:34:12,708 --> 00:34:14,792
NuvaRing? That's not still
happening, is it?
652
00:34:14,792 --> 00:34:16,834
NuvaRing? What are you doing?
653
00:34:16,834 --> 00:34:18,875
The pill.
What kind? Do you know?
654
00:34:18,875 --> 00:34:20,583
You're on Ortho Tri-Cyclen?
655
00:34:20,583 --> 00:34:24,792
That's some '90s shit.
I was taking that in the '90s!
656
00:34:24,792 --> 00:34:27,166
Bitch, you are loyal.
I like that.
657
00:34:29,959 --> 00:34:31,792
Are you still on AOL?
658
00:34:34,375 --> 00:34:38,959
Jamming out with a Walkman,
she's like, "Unh!"
with her CD, "Mmm."
659
00:34:43,667 --> 00:34:46,041
NuvaRing. No NuvaRing?
Woman: Yes!
660
00:34:46,041 --> 00:34:48,667
Yes, okay. Let's--
Do you have it in right now?
661
00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:51,500
Yes?
Yes!
662
00:34:51,500 --> 00:34:54,792
Yeah, okay. Good to know.
I just wanted to get
a visual, thank you.
663
00:34:54,792 --> 00:34:57,041
I gotta have some fun
up here, too, guys.
664
00:34:57,041 --> 00:34:59,708
I just-- To me, the NuvaRing,
that is just proof
665
00:34:59,708 --> 00:35:02,291
that doctors get stoned
out of their minds
666
00:35:02,291 --> 00:35:05,250
and just start brainstorming
ideas for women's
birth control.
667
00:35:05,250 --> 00:35:07,667
They're like,
"Oh my God, oh my God,
I have an idea.
668
00:35:07,667 --> 00:35:11,125
"What if we took
a piece of tupperware
669
00:35:11,125 --> 00:35:14,166
"and made it in the shape
of our dicks
670
00:35:14,166 --> 00:35:17,542
"so when we're having sex
we can, like, play
basketball with our dicks?"
671
00:35:17,542 --> 00:35:20,667
They'll be like,
"Yeah, two points!
Two points! Two points!"
672
00:35:20,667 --> 00:35:23,959
The only logical
explanation for that.
673
00:35:27,834 --> 00:35:29,583
I know a lot about
birth control right now
674
00:35:29,583 --> 00:35:32,542
because I recently had to do
something kind of cool.
675
00:35:32,542 --> 00:35:35,417
I have an announcement
to make. Do you guys
want to hear it?
676
00:35:35,417 --> 00:35:37,000
Audience: Yeah!
677
00:35:37,000 --> 00:35:39,959
Last month I froze my eggs.
678
00:35:39,959 --> 00:35:42,250
(cheers)
679
00:35:42,250 --> 00:35:44,041
I always love
this reaction from people.
680
00:35:44,041 --> 00:35:47,417
'Cause the women always clap
and the guys just panic.
681
00:35:47,417 --> 00:35:50,542
Like, they just--
They think they're
in trouble or something.
682
00:35:50,542 --> 00:35:53,834
Which is so weird to me
because I thought guys would
love that I froze my eggs.
683
00:35:53,834 --> 00:35:55,834
I thought I would be, like,
the sexy, awesome girl
684
00:35:55,834 --> 00:35:57,583
who doesn't want
to get pregnant right now.
685
00:35:57,583 --> 00:35:59,208
But no, it's not hot.
686
00:35:59,208 --> 00:36:01,083
It's not an aphrodisiac.
Guys aren't into it.
687
00:36:01,083 --> 00:36:03,750
You can't be hooking up
with a guy and he's like,
"Hey, do you have a condom?"
688
00:36:03,750 --> 00:36:08,083
I'm like, "Don't worry,
boo, my shit's on ice
down by the airport."
689
00:36:11,250 --> 00:36:12,834
Guy's aren't into it.
690
00:36:12,834 --> 00:36:15,417
Maybe it's 'cause you guys
don't know what it is?
That's what I think.
691
00:36:15,417 --> 00:36:16,583
Do you know what it is?
692
00:36:16,583 --> 00:36:17,625
No idea.
693
00:36:17,625 --> 00:36:21,542
Just based on the words
egg freezing?
694
00:36:22,667 --> 00:36:25,542
Just freeze 'em?
Just freeze 'em?
695
00:36:25,542 --> 00:36:29,083
Just-- That's--
What's that move?
696
00:36:29,083 --> 00:36:30,750
Just freeze 'em.
697
00:36:30,750 --> 00:36:32,917
You mean, like--
They're not in my freezer.
698
00:36:32,917 --> 00:36:36,041
It's not like
a freezer drawer.
699
00:36:36,041 --> 00:36:39,417
Just put 'em in the fridge.
700
00:36:39,417 --> 00:36:41,667
Just-- You know
what this guy is?
701
00:36:41,667 --> 00:36:43,417
Just based on your
response to that,
702
00:36:43,417 --> 00:36:46,583
you seem like you're,
like, "literal guy," you know?
703
00:36:46,583 --> 00:36:48,125
Like, everyone's
dated literal guy.
704
00:36:48,125 --> 00:36:51,708
The guy who in an argument
just sticks to the facts.
705
00:36:51,708 --> 00:36:55,000
You're the guy who's like,
"No, I didn't say you
were a bitch,
706
00:36:55,000 --> 00:36:57,458
I said you were
being a bitch."
707
00:36:59,917 --> 00:37:03,166
And then you're like,
"Shit, I gotta regroup.
Hold on."
708
00:37:03,166 --> 00:37:05,417
What about you?
Do you know what it is,
egg freezing?
709
00:37:05,417 --> 00:37:07,583
Yes, you do? What?
710
00:37:07,583 --> 00:37:08,959
Cryopreserve your eggs.
711
00:37:08,959 --> 00:37:11,667
Whoa, good!
You cryopreserve your eggs.
712
00:37:11,667 --> 00:37:15,959
That was good.
You've been watching
some weird porn, obviously.
713
00:37:15,959 --> 00:37:19,417
Yeah, so basically, I just
realized that most guys
don't know what it is.
714
00:37:19,417 --> 00:37:22,000
I found this out
because the week
that I froze them,
715
00:37:22,000 --> 00:37:23,917
I had to be on
bed rest for a couple days,
716
00:37:23,917 --> 00:37:25,458
and I had to cancel a gig.
717
00:37:25,458 --> 00:37:27,959
So, I told my agent
can you tell the manager
I need to reschedule it.
718
00:37:27,959 --> 00:37:30,500
I go to the reschedule date,
the manager runs up to me,
719
00:37:30,500 --> 00:37:35,834
he's like,
"Are you okay? I heard
your ovaries were removed!"
720
00:37:35,834 --> 00:37:38,417
I was like, "Okay,
let's just talk about this."
721
00:37:38,417 --> 00:37:40,000
So, essentially,
you freeze your eggs
722
00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:42,166
if you want to get
pregnant at some point,
but just not right now.
723
00:37:42,166 --> 00:37:44,750
Like, I'm not ready.
I would like to have
a kid at some point,
724
00:37:44,750 --> 00:37:46,834
but I'm not
responsible enough yet.
725
00:37:46,834 --> 00:37:49,750
I still leave coffee
on the top of my car
like twice a day.
726
00:37:49,750 --> 00:37:53,166
I should not
be a mother right now.
727
00:37:53,166 --> 00:37:55,750
And biology is again
completely backwards.
728
00:37:55,750 --> 00:38:00,208
Like, it's ridiculous to me
that a 15-year-old girl
can get pregnant easily,
729
00:38:00,208 --> 00:38:02,166
but a 45-year-old woman can't.
730
00:38:02,166 --> 00:38:05,208
Like, I have never met
a 15-year-old girl
and been like,
731
00:38:05,208 --> 00:38:08,000
"You would make
a great mom.
732
00:38:08,000 --> 00:38:10,000
"Love your Instagram selfies.
733
00:38:10,000 --> 00:38:14,417
I think you're ready
to be responsible
for a human life."
734
00:38:14,417 --> 00:38:17,792
No. And all
my girlfriends in their 40s
are fucking awesome.
735
00:38:17,792 --> 00:38:19,667
They're all like superheroes,
they can do anything.
736
00:38:19,667 --> 00:38:21,375
I have a girlfriend
the other day had a splinter,
737
00:38:21,375 --> 00:38:23,542
she ripped it out
with her teeth...
738
00:38:23,542 --> 00:38:25,542
like it was nothing.
739
00:38:25,542 --> 00:38:29,542
I have a girlfriend,
she's 45, she can
return things at a store
740
00:38:29,542 --> 00:38:31,208
without a receipt.
741
00:38:34,875 --> 00:38:39,166
That's like some
Jason Bourne shit right there.
742
00:38:40,708 --> 00:38:42,375
I'm really glad
that I did it.
743
00:38:42,375 --> 00:38:45,375
I feel like it took off
all this pressure
that I had on me, you know?
744
00:38:45,375 --> 00:38:47,041
Like, I realized
before I froze my eggs,
745
00:38:47,041 --> 00:38:49,166
there was just this
constant inner monologue
746
00:38:49,166 --> 00:38:51,000
that was like, "Is this
the guy you're gonna be with?
747
00:38:51,000 --> 00:38:52,708
If not, you have to move on
to someone else."
748
00:38:52,708 --> 00:38:55,375
And I felt like I had
to accomplish all my
professional goals
749
00:38:55,375 --> 00:38:56,917
by the time I was, like, 35.
750
00:38:56,917 --> 00:38:59,208
And it was just in
the back of my mind
all the time.
751
00:38:59,208 --> 00:39:01,583
Like, I'd be in traffic,
and I'd be like,
"You guys, let's go!
752
00:39:01,583 --> 00:39:03,583
"I'm rotting
from the inside!
753
00:39:03,583 --> 00:39:05,542
"We gotta move, okay?
754
00:39:05,542 --> 00:39:09,291
Uterus is molding,
let's move!"
755
00:39:12,250 --> 00:39:14,750
I feel like
you guys will never
understand that pressure
756
00:39:14,750 --> 00:39:16,583
because you guys
don't have that clock.
757
00:39:16,583 --> 00:39:18,125
Guys can have kids
as late as they want.
758
00:39:18,125 --> 00:39:20,583
Clint Eastwood had a kid
at like, 70 years old.
759
00:39:20,583 --> 00:39:22,917
Robert De Niro had one
at like, 68,
760
00:39:22,917 --> 00:39:24,417
which is so weird to me.
761
00:39:24,417 --> 00:39:26,750
The idea of having a kid
at 68 years old.
762
00:39:26,750 --> 00:39:31,125
That's like being like,
"I really want a kid,
but only for, like, 10 years.
763
00:39:33,333 --> 00:39:36,750
"And I want to be deaf
for most of it. That's..."
764
00:39:39,959 --> 00:39:42,166
I'm so glad I did it.
It took all this pressure off.
765
00:39:42,166 --> 00:39:45,625
Like, I used
to be this stress case,
now I'm just chilling, man.
766
00:39:45,625 --> 00:39:47,041
So easy.
767
00:39:47,041 --> 00:39:49,083
Like, my agent
calls me up, he's like,
"Where's that script?"
768
00:39:49,083 --> 00:39:51,667
I'm like, "I don't
know, I'm high as fuck.
769
00:39:53,333 --> 00:39:56,625
"Call Sarah Silverman
or some shit, man.
770
00:39:56,625 --> 00:40:00,959
'Cause I'm watching
'Game of Thrones'
again today."
771
00:40:00,959 --> 00:40:03,125
Hey, camera.
772
00:40:06,625 --> 00:40:08,125
I-- Thank you.
773
00:40:10,333 --> 00:40:12,083
You freeze your eggs
for a couple of reasons.
774
00:40:12,083 --> 00:40:13,792
If you want
to postpone having kids,
775
00:40:13,792 --> 00:40:15,667
also if you want to get
a surrogate at some point,
776
00:40:15,667 --> 00:40:18,083
which I'm kind of obsessed
with the idea of getting
a surrogate.
777
00:40:18,083 --> 00:40:20,333
It's like you hire a woman
to carry your kid for you,
778
00:40:20,333 --> 00:40:22,125
which I really
want to do at some point.
779
00:40:22,125 --> 00:40:24,000
But I feel kind of
guilty about that idea
780
00:40:24,000 --> 00:40:25,792
because when you
get a surrogate,
781
00:40:25,792 --> 00:40:29,834
you're essentially, like,
asking another woman to do
your dirty work for you.
782
00:40:29,834 --> 00:40:31,792
It's like, worse
than a guy getting a hooker.
783
00:40:31,792 --> 00:40:34,792
'Cause when you get a hooker,
you guys just want to use
a woman's body for an hour.
784
00:40:34,792 --> 00:40:36,458
I want to use it
for nine months,
785
00:40:36,458 --> 00:40:37,792
and totally wreck it.
786
00:40:37,792 --> 00:40:40,834
I'm literally gonna
destroy that shit.
787
00:40:46,333 --> 00:40:48,000
Not nice.
788
00:40:48,000 --> 00:40:54,000
I just feel like I would
like my kid so much more
if I didn't carry my kid.
789
00:40:54,000 --> 00:40:56,000
Does that make sense?
790
00:40:56,000 --> 00:40:59,125
Like, I totally support
those "Toddler & Tiara" moms.
791
00:40:59,125 --> 00:41:00,750
I think those
kids should work.
792
00:41:00,750 --> 00:41:03,041
I think they should
have to tap dance
to pay for all the damage
793
00:41:03,041 --> 00:41:06,125
they did to those poor women.
794
00:41:06,125 --> 00:41:08,708
After I carry
my kid for nine months,
by the time it comes out,
795
00:41:08,708 --> 00:41:11,500
I'm gonna be like, "Bitch,
you book a Pampers commercial.
796
00:41:11,500 --> 00:41:14,667
Mommy needs a tummy tuck."
797
00:41:14,667 --> 00:41:17,417
Although I feel
like if you have
a surrogate have your kid
798
00:41:17,417 --> 00:41:19,375
you can't control
the kid as well. You know?
799
00:41:19,375 --> 00:41:22,000
Like, the way my mom used
to guilt me into doing things
800
00:41:22,000 --> 00:41:25,250
was she'd be like,
"I carried you
for nine months."
801
00:41:25,250 --> 00:41:26,917
I'd be like, "Oh...
802
00:41:26,917 --> 00:41:28,875
That's a good point."
803
00:41:28,875 --> 00:41:31,041
But if, like,
I had a surrogate,
what am I gonna say?
804
00:41:31,041 --> 00:41:36,542
I'm gonna be like,
"I had to drive 10 minutes
to pick you up.
805
00:41:36,542 --> 00:41:39,000
Traffic was a nightmare."
806
00:41:41,708 --> 00:41:44,417
Yeah, it's not as good.
807
00:41:44,417 --> 00:41:48,375
When you freeze your eggs,
the doctor asks you if you
want to get a donor,
808
00:41:48,375 --> 00:41:49,583
like a sperm donor.
809
00:41:49,583 --> 00:41:51,583
Because if you want
to freeze embryos, you know?
810
00:41:51,583 --> 00:41:55,458
Like, basically it's if you
freeze an embryo, that means
a sperm fertilizes the egg,
811
00:41:55,458 --> 00:42:00,542
and I was like, "I don't
have any sperm available
in my house at the moment."
812
00:42:00,542 --> 00:42:03,750
So, he's like, "Maybe you
should get a donor." And I
wasn't really ready for that,
813
00:42:03,750 --> 00:42:07,583
but I got super obsessed
with the kind of person who
would become a sperm donor.
814
00:42:07,583 --> 00:42:09,625
So, I went online
and I was, like,
on the donor site.
815
00:42:09,625 --> 00:42:12,500
You'd think that sperm donors
were complete losers.
Not true.
816
00:42:12,500 --> 00:42:16,333
In order to be a sperm donor,
you have to be at least 5'8."
817
00:42:16,333 --> 00:42:22,166
I was like, I'm sorry,
what shallow bitch
was 45 years old,
818
00:42:22,166 --> 00:42:24,041
not married, no options,
819
00:42:24,041 --> 00:42:25,708
goes into the sperm bank,
is like,
820
00:42:25,708 --> 00:42:27,917
"Oh, 5'7"? Never mind.
821
00:42:27,917 --> 00:42:32,792
"I'm gonna get on Farmers Only
and take my chances.
822
00:42:32,792 --> 00:42:35,625
Fuck that weirdo midget."
823
00:42:38,500 --> 00:42:40,125
And in order
to be a sperm donor,
824
00:42:40,125 --> 00:42:43,000
you have to have at least
four years of college.
825
00:42:43,000 --> 00:42:46,000
I was like, I don't want
my sperm donor to have
four years of college.
826
00:42:46,000 --> 00:42:47,792
'Cause if you have
four years of college
827
00:42:47,792 --> 00:42:51,458
and you're jerking off
into a cup for $100,
828
00:42:51,458 --> 00:42:54,166
you're a drug addict.
829
00:42:54,166 --> 00:42:56,708
And if you don't have
four years of college
830
00:42:56,708 --> 00:42:59,083
and you're jerking off
into a cup for $100,
831
00:42:59,083 --> 00:43:02,834
you're an entrepreneur
and I like your hustle.
832
00:43:02,834 --> 00:43:06,000
You can be
my baby daddy any day.
833
00:43:06,000 --> 00:43:08,625
Man: I will!
You will?
834
00:43:08,625 --> 00:43:09,667
I'm good.
835
00:43:12,917 --> 00:43:14,000
Pass.
836
00:43:20,083 --> 00:43:22,166
I have to think about
stuff like this right now,
837
00:43:22,166 --> 00:43:23,834
because I'm not dating anyone.
838
00:43:23,834 --> 00:43:25,750
And I'm not gonna date
for a little while,
839
00:43:25,750 --> 00:43:29,041
because I got a diagnosis
from my therapist.
840
00:43:29,041 --> 00:43:31,250
Ready for another
weird announcement?
841
00:43:31,250 --> 00:43:34,083
Man: Yay!
Pfft!
842
00:43:34,083 --> 00:43:36,708
Don't push it.
843
00:43:36,708 --> 00:43:40,667
My therapist diagnosed me
as a love addict.
844
00:43:40,667 --> 00:43:42,500
Anyone heard of that shit?
845
00:43:42,500 --> 00:43:47,333
OK. A love addiction is
basically when you date guys
that you know are bad for you,
846
00:43:47,333 --> 00:43:49,375
the same way
that a drug addict
will do drugs,
847
00:43:49,375 --> 00:43:52,792
even though they know
on a cerebral level that drugs
are bad for them.
848
00:43:52,792 --> 00:43:56,875
And, I mean,
she does kind of have a point.
I date terrible, awful people.
849
00:43:56,875 --> 00:43:59,792
I date horrible--
I dated a professional
athlete last year.
850
00:43:59,792 --> 00:44:01,750
Which is, like,
how stupid can you be?
851
00:44:01,750 --> 00:44:05,417
But my main point
for arguing against dating
a professional athlete
852
00:44:05,417 --> 00:44:07,375
is that, if you're dating
a professional athlete,
853
00:44:07,375 --> 00:44:10,875
that means that they've been
playing sports since they're
literally 10 years old
854
00:44:10,875 --> 00:44:12,750
in order to make it
in the NBA or the NFL.
855
00:44:12,750 --> 00:44:15,375
Like, I really
don't think I should be giving
my heart to a man
856
00:44:15,375 --> 00:44:20,208
whose inner monologue
for the past 20 years
has been, "Where's the ball?
857
00:44:21,667 --> 00:44:23,041
"Oh, there's the ball!
858
00:44:23,041 --> 00:44:25,917
"Oh, no, it's goin' back!
Where's the ball?"
859
00:44:25,917 --> 00:44:27,708
"Oh, there it is, there it is!
Okay, there it is."
860
00:44:27,708 --> 00:44:31,083
Like, my dog has
more complicated goals.
861
00:44:33,834 --> 00:44:37,708
They wanna bury the ball.
They wanna give it back to me.
862
00:44:39,417 --> 00:44:43,000
Another thing you do
if you're a love addict is
that you don't see red flags.
863
00:44:43,000 --> 00:44:44,708
Like, you don'--
you have a blind spot
864
00:44:44,708 --> 00:44:46,291
for negative traits
about people,
865
00:44:46,291 --> 00:44:47,708
which I totally do.
866
00:44:47,708 --> 00:44:50,208
Every time I meet a guy,
and I see something
negative about him,
867
00:44:50,208 --> 00:44:53,250
my brain will turn it
into a positive
868
00:44:53,250 --> 00:44:56,333
to justify being in a bad
relationship. You know?
869
00:44:56,333 --> 00:44:59,375
I'll be like,
"Ugh, he's married.
870
00:44:59,375 --> 00:45:03,834
"Hmmm. Not afraid
of commitment!
871
00:45:03,834 --> 00:45:06,083
This is gonna be great."
872
00:45:07,083 --> 00:45:08,542
Got me into some trouble.
873
00:45:08,542 --> 00:45:09,959
I got cheated on.
874
00:45:09,959 --> 00:45:12,125
Has anyone been cheated on?
875
00:45:12,125 --> 00:45:14,208
Okay, well,
you've all been cheated on,
876
00:45:14,208 --> 00:45:16,125
just so you know.
877
00:45:16,125 --> 00:45:18,917
Sorry you have
to find out like this.
878
00:45:23,792 --> 00:45:25,458
I fond out in
the stupidest way.
879
00:45:25,458 --> 00:45:28,959
We were at a movie theater
and I dropped my phone
in between the seats.
880
00:45:28,959 --> 00:45:32,125
So, I asked him
if I could use his phone
to call my phone.
881
00:45:32,125 --> 00:45:35,333
I'm holding his phone
for maybe eight minutes.
882
00:45:35,333 --> 00:45:40,500
He gets three different
text messages from a girl
he had programmed in his phone
883
00:45:40,500 --> 00:45:43,750
as "Sandylicious."
884
00:45:43,750 --> 00:45:47,917
Think about this.
Really think about
how hot a girl has to be
885
00:45:47,917 --> 00:45:53,542
for a guy to take the time
to program in that long
of a fucking name.
886
00:45:53,542 --> 00:45:59,291
He was like, "S-A-N-D-
Y-L-I-C-I--"
887
00:45:59,291 --> 00:46:01,708
And you know that shit
autocorrected like six times,
888
00:46:01,708 --> 00:46:03,959
so he had to go
back to the beginning.
889
00:46:03,959 --> 00:46:06,834
"S-A-N-D, shit.
890
00:46:06,834 --> 00:46:09,750
"S-A-- Still worth it--
891
00:46:09,750 --> 00:46:12,583
D-I-L-I..."
892
00:46:12,583 --> 00:46:14,500
So, I had to confront
him about it. I was like,
893
00:46:14,500 --> 00:46:17,917
"Hey, why is some girl
named Sandylicious texting
you at midnight on a Friday?"
894
00:46:17,917 --> 00:46:20,708
And he goes,
"Oh, she's my friend."
895
00:46:20,708 --> 00:46:22,792
Why don't you just
punch me in the tit?
896
00:46:22,792 --> 00:46:26,875
It would be less
insulting to my intelligence.
897
00:46:26,875 --> 00:46:30,834
Like, I'm just curious,
has that ever worked
in the history of time?
898
00:46:30,834 --> 00:46:33,208
Has any girl ever
been jealously freaking out
899
00:46:33,208 --> 00:46:35,708
and the guy was like,
"Oh, she's my friend,"
and the girl was like,
900
00:46:35,708 --> 00:46:39,125
"Oh my God, I am so sorry!
901
00:46:39,125 --> 00:46:41,708
"I was totally overreacting.
902
00:46:41,708 --> 00:46:45,959
"Go back to texting
your bro, Sandylicious."
903
00:46:45,959 --> 00:46:47,792
No! I have a lot
of guy friends in my phone,
904
00:46:47,792 --> 00:46:51,208
none of them are programmed in
under "Joey smooth dick."
905
00:46:51,208 --> 00:46:53,500
That's not my friend.
906
00:46:53,500 --> 00:46:55,542
We're not friends.
907
00:46:58,125 --> 00:46:59,667
I feel like
you guys don't know this.
908
00:46:59,667 --> 00:47:01,875
It's also
so obvious when you're
getting lied to by a guy
909
00:47:01,875 --> 00:47:04,458
'cause you guys all lie
the same exact way.
910
00:47:04,458 --> 00:47:08,875
You guys need to have
a meeting, or start
a chatroom or something.
911
00:47:08,875 --> 00:47:11,375
Because you know you're
getting lied to by a guy
912
00:47:11,375 --> 00:47:17,000
because he will repeat
the question you ask him
in the answer
913
00:47:17,000 --> 00:47:19,959
to buy time
to make up the lie.
914
00:47:19,959 --> 00:47:22,583
So, I'll be like,
"Hey, where were you
till 3:00 in the morning?"
915
00:47:22,583 --> 00:47:28,834
"Where was I? Until 3:00?
916
00:47:28,834 --> 00:47:31,959
"In the morning?"
917
00:47:31,959 --> 00:47:36,375
It's like, can you just make
up your lie in the car
like an adult, please?
918
00:47:36,375 --> 00:47:38,583
Can I at least
get that respect?
919
00:47:38,583 --> 00:47:40,417
And you know you're getting
lied to when a guy goes,
920
00:47:40,417 --> 00:47:43,625
"Ugh, well--
Well, what do you
want me to say right now?"
921
00:47:46,166 --> 00:47:49,667
You want me
to make up your lie?
922
00:47:49,667 --> 00:47:51,875
How lazy can you be?
923
00:47:51,875 --> 00:47:54,083
And then you know you're
getting cheated on when
a guy goes,
924
00:47:54,083 --> 00:47:57,708
"Well, what's
your definition of cheating?"
925
00:47:57,708 --> 00:48:01,125
I'm like, "Uh, if you had fun
without me, you cheated.
926
00:48:01,125 --> 00:48:03,000
It's very simple."
927
00:48:05,875 --> 00:48:09,667
Another announcement
to make, which is...
928
00:48:09,667 --> 00:48:12,667
being cheated on now
is extra hard for me
929
00:48:12,667 --> 00:48:15,834
because when I was in my 20s--
no one ever admits this,
930
00:48:15,834 --> 00:48:17,917
but when I was in my 20s,
I cheated.
931
00:48:17,917 --> 00:48:20,125
Now's your time, girl.
Live it up.
932
00:48:21,708 --> 00:48:24,250
I was-- I cheated in my 20s
because I was an idiot.
933
00:48:24,250 --> 00:48:26,125
I was insecure
and I was worried
934
00:48:26,125 --> 00:48:28,500
the guy I was with was gonna
leave me for someone else.
935
00:48:28,500 --> 00:48:32,291
Who cares the reason.
The point is getting cheated
on now is even worse
936
00:48:32,291 --> 00:48:35,708
because I know
what you're doing
because I've done it,
937
00:48:35,708 --> 00:48:37,000
and you're gross.
938
00:48:37,000 --> 00:48:40,333
I used to do the shadiest
things when I used to cheat.
939
00:48:40,333 --> 00:48:43,917
I used to program guys' names
in my phone as other things
940
00:48:43,917 --> 00:48:46,667
so the guy I was dating
didn't know what was
going on, you know?
941
00:48:46,667 --> 00:48:52,125
And then he's be like, "Hey,
why is Bank of America calling
you at 2:00 in the morning?"
942
00:48:58,834 --> 00:49:02,291
"That is weird.
943
00:49:02,291 --> 00:49:05,333
"You know,
they've really stepped up
their customer service.
944
00:49:05,333 --> 00:49:08,000
"They really wanna
make sure my check clears.
945
00:49:08,000 --> 00:49:11,000
I am gonna
thank them in the morning."
946
00:49:11,000 --> 00:49:16,500
He's like, "All right, well,
why did Rite Aid just text you
a photo of a dick?"
947
00:49:18,458 --> 00:49:20,750
"Bizarre!
948
00:49:20,750 --> 00:49:22,542
"That's disgusting.
949
00:49:22,542 --> 00:49:25,875
We are switching
to Walgreens tomorrow!"
950
00:49:28,000 --> 00:49:30,542
You guys have
gotten ungrateful.
That's my theory.
951
00:49:30,542 --> 00:49:33,750
You guys are ungrateful
and you're being bratty
or some shit.
952
00:49:33,750 --> 00:49:35,458
Because there's
too many women available.
953
00:49:35,458 --> 00:49:37,125
That's the problem.
There's too many women.
954
00:49:37,125 --> 00:49:39,750
Now women actually
outnumber men, so you guys
are getting spoiled.
955
00:49:39,750 --> 00:49:42,041
It used to be,
like, 300 years ago,
956
00:49:42,041 --> 00:49:45,208
there was like
one woman every 20 miles,
957
00:49:45,208 --> 00:49:48,375
and she could die
of polio any minute.
958
00:49:48,375 --> 00:49:51,417
So you guys met her,
married her, and that was it.
959
00:49:51,417 --> 00:49:53,625
But now, it's like there's
so many women available,
960
00:49:53,625 --> 00:49:55,291
you guys are just
on Tinder. You're just, like,
961
00:49:55,291 --> 00:49:57,250
swipe, swipe, swipe,
swipe, swipe, swipe...
962
00:50:04,458 --> 00:50:06,041
I mean,
you are so spoiled!
963
00:50:06,041 --> 00:50:08,959
Literally, on Tinder,
you can set a radius.
964
00:50:08,959 --> 00:50:10,917
On this dating app,
you can literally say,
965
00:50:10,917 --> 00:50:14,041
"I only want to see people
within a mile of me,"
966
00:50:14,041 --> 00:50:18,583
which is such
a testament to how lazy
this generation is.
967
00:50:18,583 --> 00:50:20,291
Lazy and slutty.
968
00:50:20,291 --> 00:50:21,625
They're like,
"I'll suck a dick,
969
00:50:21,625 --> 00:50:24,250
"but I'm not drivin'
two miles!
970
00:50:26,041 --> 00:50:29,417
"Pfft! I only suck
that close dick.
971
00:50:29,417 --> 00:50:31,417
"That dick comes to me!"
972
00:50:33,333 --> 00:50:36,583
I-I like Tinder.
I'm into it. I'm into it.
973
00:50:36,583 --> 00:50:39,959
I got on Tinder as a joke,
but now it's real.
974
00:50:42,000 --> 00:50:43,041
And...
975
00:50:44,792 --> 00:50:47,625
I like getting on Tinder,
because I love seeing
976
00:50:47,625 --> 00:50:50,583
what the photos guys post are,
977
00:50:50,583 --> 00:50:54,000
because it says so much to me
about what you guys think
978
00:50:54,000 --> 00:50:56,875
we are attracted to.
And it's so...
979
00:50:56,875 --> 00:50:58,708
off. It's so off.
980
00:50:58,708 --> 00:51:02,333
I would say
there's four genres
of photos on Tinder.
981
00:51:02,333 --> 00:51:04,583
And I would say
the first genre is
982
00:51:04,583 --> 00:51:09,000
guys taking pictures
in front of cars.
983
00:51:09,000 --> 00:51:12,166
Like, posing on fancy cars.
984
00:51:12,166 --> 00:51:14,500
It's mostly
Persian guys, but...
985
00:51:15,583 --> 00:51:17,166
They're chilling.
986
00:51:19,625 --> 00:51:22,291
Then there's photos
of guys at the gym,
987
00:51:22,291 --> 00:51:26,542
like, taking
a selfie in the mirror
at the gym, posing.
988
00:51:26,542 --> 00:51:29,083
I think you guys think that
says, "I'm in good shape."
989
00:51:29,083 --> 00:51:31,333
All I see is that
you're unemployed.
990
00:51:31,333 --> 00:51:33,333
That's the major take-away.
991
00:51:35,417 --> 00:51:39,166
Then there's photos
of guys with wild animals.
992
00:51:39,166 --> 00:51:41,792
Guys posing with tigers!
993
00:51:41,792 --> 00:51:44,625
Which-- do you expect me
to believe that
994
00:51:44,625 --> 00:51:46,542
you wrangled that tiger?
995
00:51:46,542 --> 00:51:48,500
And trained it
into submission?
996
00:51:48,500 --> 00:51:50,875
No! I know you spent
$15 at the zoo,
997
00:51:50,875 --> 00:51:55,458
like an asshole,
and were scared shitless
the entire time.
998
00:51:55,458 --> 00:51:58,834
All I can picture is
you guys like, "Take it,
take it, take it, take it!
999
00:51:58,834 --> 00:52:01,375
"Oh, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck!"
1000
00:52:03,417 --> 00:52:06,291
Now I'm stressed out
thinking about it.
1001
00:52:06,291 --> 00:52:10,041
And then I would say
about half of all the photos
I see on Tinder
1002
00:52:10,041 --> 00:52:15,500
are guys in their cars,
in the driver's seat,
with the seat belt on.
1003
00:52:15,500 --> 00:52:18,708
Like, a seat belt selfie.
Selfie seat belt?
1004
00:52:18,708 --> 00:52:21,875
To me, all this says is
that your wife is in the house
1005
00:52:21,875 --> 00:52:24,583
and this is
the only time you have...
1006
00:52:26,750 --> 00:52:28,875
to take your photo.
1007
00:52:28,875 --> 00:52:30,542
Get a divorce.
1008
00:52:33,208 --> 00:52:35,959
It's just so much
smoke and mirrors
on there, you know?
1009
00:52:35,959 --> 00:52:38,792
It's like, I'll see guys with,
you know, athletic equipment.
1010
00:52:38,792 --> 00:52:42,625
There's guys,
like, holding footballs
or a guy holding a basketball,
1011
00:52:42,625 --> 00:52:46,166
which is, like,
"That doesn't tell me anything
about your level of skill."
1012
00:52:46,166 --> 00:52:49,041
Just 'cause you're holding
a basketball, doesn't mean
you're good at basketball.
1013
00:52:49,041 --> 00:52:52,542
Okay? I can hold
a bottle of olive oil.
That doesn't mean I can cook.
1014
00:52:56,667 --> 00:53:02,250
I just feel like we're so--
we're so off about what we
want and what you guys want.
1015
00:53:02,250 --> 00:53:04,000
Like, I feel like you--
I feel bad for you guys,
1016
00:53:04,000 --> 00:53:07,166
'cause I feel like
you think that we want
these super macho, tough guys.
1017
00:53:07,166 --> 00:53:10,667
We don't! We don't need
you guys at the gym
lifting weights,
1018
00:53:10,667 --> 00:53:12,125
and with cars and tigers.
1019
00:53:12,125 --> 00:53:16,583
All we want is
for you to listen to us.
That's literally it.
1020
00:53:16,583 --> 00:53:20,708
I just wanna see a photo
of a guy just on a phone.
1021
00:53:23,750 --> 00:53:27,250
Phones don't look
like that anymore,
so it'll be like that.
1022
00:53:30,875 --> 00:53:35,125
I feel like the same way
you guys think that women
dress to impress other women,
1023
00:53:35,125 --> 00:53:38,208
I think you guys post photos
to impress other men.
1024
00:53:38,208 --> 00:53:40,250
Because that's
the kind of stuff
guys would like. Okay?
1025
00:53:40,250 --> 00:53:43,000
We don't need you guys
at the gym and with tigers.
1026
00:53:43,000 --> 00:53:44,291
Guys are into
that kind of stuff.
1027
00:53:44,291 --> 00:53:46,125
If you want to post photos
of yourself at the gym,
1028
00:53:46,125 --> 00:53:47,959
maybe you should be on Grindr,
1029
00:53:47,959 --> 00:53:50,834
because that's where
they would appreciate...
1030
00:53:52,750 --> 00:53:54,458
Hashtag Santa Monica.
1031
00:53:59,834 --> 00:54:02,125
Tinder can be
very eerie, though,
1032
00:54:02,125 --> 00:54:03,959
because sometimes you're
scrolling through, you know?
1033
00:54:03,959 --> 00:54:07,625
Every, like, 50th photo is
something perverted and weird.
1034
00:54:07,625 --> 00:54:11,625
It's a guy in a leather mask
looking for a "submissive"
or something.
1035
00:54:11,625 --> 00:54:14,333
Like, zipper mouth.
Like, something weird.
1036
00:54:14,333 --> 00:54:15,834
And you're like-- oh, like...
1037
00:54:15,834 --> 00:54:19,875
I don't know if,
in general, as a society
we're getting grosser,
1038
00:54:19,875 --> 00:54:22,667
or if the Internet's just
bringing it to the surface,
1039
00:54:22,667 --> 00:54:26,166
but I just think, in general,
there's a movement
towards perversion
1040
00:54:26,166 --> 00:54:27,667
that feels new to me.
1041
00:54:27,667 --> 00:54:31,834
The first thing that
made me think this was
a couple months ago,
1042
00:54:31,834 --> 00:54:33,125
I went on a date
with a guy,
1043
00:54:33,125 --> 00:54:34,625
then we went
on a second date.
1044
00:54:34,625 --> 00:54:39,000
On the second date,
he asked me if I could squirt.
1045
00:54:42,583 --> 00:54:44,708
Let's talk about it.
1046
00:54:47,166 --> 00:54:50,333
Look, first of all,
I do not squirt.
1047
00:54:50,333 --> 00:54:55,667
Just so you know,
I am not a squirter.
I am not squirting.
1048
00:54:55,667 --> 00:54:58,250
I am not
a squirting lady.
1049
00:54:58,250 --> 00:55:03,000
I don't know
if I'm just dehydrated?
1050
00:55:03,000 --> 00:55:05,583
If I need
more Gatorade in my life?
1051
00:55:05,583 --> 00:55:07,542
I'm not squirting, okay?
1052
00:55:07,542 --> 00:55:10,208
I mean, if you want,
I will compromise,
1053
00:55:10,208 --> 00:55:13,166
and I will pee on you.
1054
00:55:13,166 --> 00:55:15,875
I'd rather not,
but if that's your thing,
1055
00:55:15,875 --> 00:55:19,458
I'm sure I could
fashion some pee.
1056
00:55:19,458 --> 00:55:23,166
I'm gonna have to
turn on the faucet.
I'm not into it.
1057
00:55:23,166 --> 00:55:24,708
Here's the--
This is new.
1058
00:55:24,708 --> 00:55:27,291
This is a new thing.
Five years ago, I never
heard about squirting.
1059
00:55:27,291 --> 00:55:29,166
Okay? Five years ago,
I feel like
1060
00:55:29,166 --> 00:55:32,166
the gross, taboo thing
everyone wanted
their girl to do was anal.
1061
00:55:32,166 --> 00:55:33,500
It was all about anal, right?
1062
00:55:33,500 --> 00:55:37,000
Now anal's just like--
You just have to do that now.
1063
00:55:37,000 --> 00:55:39,417
It's not even
weird anymore.
1064
00:55:39,417 --> 00:55:41,291
It's just, like, on the menu.
1065
00:55:41,291 --> 00:55:44,875
It's not just
for birthdays anymore.
It's happening.
1066
00:55:46,750 --> 00:55:50,166
Which, I do not think
that's okay. I think we need
to make it weird again.
1067
00:55:50,166 --> 00:55:52,333
I think we need
to make it taboo again.
1068
00:55:52,333 --> 00:55:54,542
This is how I know
anal sex has gone mainstream.
1069
00:55:54,542 --> 00:55:57,417
I have a girlfriend,
she has a daughter
who is 16 years old.
1070
00:55:57,417 --> 00:55:59,083
She goes to
a Catholic school,
1071
00:55:59,083 --> 00:56:02,583
and she said her girlfriends
in the Catholic school
at 16 years old
1072
00:56:02,583 --> 00:56:06,083
are now having anal sex
instead of regular sex
1073
00:56:06,083 --> 00:56:08,667
so that they don't technically
lose their virginity.
1074
00:56:08,667 --> 00:56:10,250
Right? Have you heard of that?
1075
00:56:10,250 --> 00:56:15,250
My thing is if you're having
anal sex at 16 years old
1076
00:56:15,250 --> 00:56:17,458
to stay right with God,
1077
00:56:17,458 --> 00:56:20,500
I have news for you.
1078
00:56:20,500 --> 00:56:22,333
There is no God.
1079
00:56:22,333 --> 00:56:26,834
Get a new religion, 'cause
your God fucking hates you.
1080
00:56:26,834 --> 00:56:30,959
No. No. Stay away
from my butt. I have a house.
1081
00:56:32,625 --> 00:56:34,083
No.
1082
00:56:34,083 --> 00:56:36,875
I have worked too hard.
1083
00:56:36,875 --> 00:56:38,959
That's my point. You guys
are getting ungrateful.
1084
00:56:38,959 --> 00:56:40,750
You guys have
lost sight of the fact
1085
00:56:40,750 --> 00:56:44,125
that our bodies were
perfectly designed to have
sex with you, anatomically.
1086
00:56:44,125 --> 00:56:47,959
Whatever you believe in.
Say, it's evolution or God.
Say you believe in God.
1087
00:56:47,959 --> 00:56:52,625
God perfectly
designed the female body
to have sex with you.
1088
00:56:52,625 --> 00:56:55,875
Right? Vagina here.
Perfect placement.
1089
00:56:55,875 --> 00:56:59,458
Boobs here if you want
a little...
1090
00:56:59,458 --> 00:57:01,166
Perfect.
1091
00:57:01,166 --> 00:57:04,291
The head moves back
and forth in case you don't
want to look at her face.
1092
00:57:06,125 --> 00:57:08,834
God thought of everything.
1093
00:57:08,834 --> 00:57:11,250
And then God was putting
the female body together
and was like,
1094
00:57:11,250 --> 00:57:14,834
"Ugh, there's
this other hole.
1095
00:57:14,834 --> 00:57:17,291
"It's a terrible hole.
1096
00:57:17,291 --> 00:57:19,708
"Horrible things
come out of it.
1097
00:57:19,708 --> 00:57:21,500
"It's awful.
1098
00:57:21,500 --> 00:57:27,667
We can't put it in the front
or else men would never
have sex with women."
1099
00:57:27,667 --> 00:57:30,542
God's like,
"You know what I'm gonna do?
1100
00:57:30,542 --> 00:57:33,500
"I'm gonna hide it.
1101
00:57:33,500 --> 00:57:36,500
"I'm gonna put it in the back
1102
00:57:36,500 --> 00:57:40,667
"in, like, a ravine.
1103
00:57:43,500 --> 00:57:48,208
"I'm gonna put big pieces
of fat on either side of it.
1104
00:57:48,208 --> 00:57:52,208
"He'll never even know
it's there. She can walk away
naked, he'll never see it.
1105
00:57:52,208 --> 00:57:55,500
"It's genius. Genius!
1106
00:57:55,500 --> 00:57:58,208
"The female body is complete."
1107
00:58:01,834 --> 00:58:06,250
Cut to God looking down now.
A guy's like, "Eh, eh, ehh..."
1108
00:58:06,250 --> 00:58:09,959
God's like,
"Oh, my God!
1109
00:58:09,959 --> 00:58:12,750
"How did they even find it?
1110
00:58:12,750 --> 00:58:15,917
"I hid that thing pretty well.
1111
00:58:15,917 --> 00:58:18,542
They're animals!"
1112
00:58:18,542 --> 00:58:21,583
No. Uh-uh.
Nope. Nope. Nuh-uh.
1113
00:58:21,583 --> 00:58:23,583
No. Not squirting. Nope.
1114
00:58:23,583 --> 00:58:27,000
We're starting
a movement here tonight.
Hashtag no squirting.
1115
00:58:27,000 --> 00:58:29,333
Get it going.
1116
00:58:29,333 --> 00:58:32,250
No. You know why? It's--
You guys are pushing it now.
1117
00:58:32,250 --> 00:58:34,417
You're ungrateful,
you're spoiled,
and you're pushing it.
1118
00:58:34,417 --> 00:58:37,417
Like, do our bodies not
do enough amazing things?
1119
00:58:37,417 --> 00:58:39,083
Enough miraculous things?
1120
00:58:39,083 --> 00:58:43,208
We can make a life.
We can get pregnant.
We can breastfeed our babies.
1121
00:58:43,208 --> 00:58:47,041
We can give you orgasms.
Now you want us
to put out fires?
1122
00:58:47,041 --> 00:58:49,000
It's too much.
1123
00:58:49,000 --> 00:58:51,417
That's too much.
1124
00:58:51,417 --> 00:58:53,375
And I'm a pretty
slutty person.
1125
00:58:53,375 --> 00:58:56,458
The fact that there's
something I won't do,
that's bad.
1126
00:58:56,458 --> 00:58:59,500
That is off the grid, okay?
1127
00:58:59,500 --> 00:59:02,750
I'll do anything.
I will literally do anything
'cause I'm fun.
1128
00:59:02,750 --> 00:59:04,750
I am fun.
1129
00:59:04,750 --> 00:59:07,166
I'll do anything.
What do you want?
Spank me? Great.
1130
00:59:07,166 --> 00:59:09,458
Go for it.
I will try not to laugh,
1131
00:59:09,458 --> 00:59:10,959
but go for it.
1132
00:59:10,959 --> 00:59:13,875
Choking, that's
the new thing. Everyone's
gotta get choked now?
1133
00:59:13,875 --> 00:59:15,625
Choke me. Great. Choke me.
1134
00:59:15,625 --> 00:59:18,625
I'll even throw in
a little "Ehh..."
1135
00:59:22,583 --> 00:59:26,000
I'm fun! I'm fun.
1136
00:59:26,000 --> 00:59:28,000
But you're pushing
it now, okay?
1137
00:59:28,000 --> 00:59:30,667
I'm not squirting.
Who has time for that?
1138
00:59:30,667 --> 00:59:33,875
Okay? I'm not gonna
clean up squirt. No.
1139
00:59:33,875 --> 00:59:36,750
I have a job.
I don't have time for that.
1140
00:59:36,750 --> 00:59:40,917
You gotta go to Home Depot,
you gotta get a tarp,
1141
00:59:40,917 --> 00:59:46,542
you gotta put the tarp down.
My bedroom looks like
Dexter's garage.
1142
00:59:46,542 --> 00:59:48,291
I'm not living that way.
1143
00:59:49,834 --> 00:59:53,041
Was sex not awkward
enough before squirting?
1144
00:59:53,041 --> 00:59:54,667
Do you remember the awkward
talk before sex?
1145
00:59:54,667 --> 00:59:56,875
Used to be like
"Hey, do you have a condom?"
1146
00:59:56,875 --> 01:00:01,542
Now it's like,
"Hey, do you have a ShamWow?
1147
01:00:04,625 --> 01:00:07,333
Shit's about to get crazy."
1148
01:00:08,625 --> 01:00:10,000
You don't want me to squirt.
1149
01:00:10,000 --> 01:00:12,000
You do not want me to squirt
because if I could squirt,
1150
01:00:12,000 --> 01:00:15,583
I would use it
for evil all the time.
1151
01:00:15,583 --> 01:00:17,166
Any time I was in
my boyfriend's car,
1152
01:00:17,166 --> 01:00:21,291
I'd be like, "You sure you
want to text that girl back?
1153
01:00:23,875 --> 01:00:26,000
I didn't think so."
1154
01:00:28,875 --> 01:00:32,708
I'm worried. I'm worried for
the next generation of boys.
1155
01:00:32,708 --> 01:00:34,500
'Cause now guys in their--
1156
01:00:34,500 --> 01:00:38,625
Teenage kids, they watch porn
now before they ever actually
see a naked woman.
1157
01:00:38,625 --> 01:00:41,333
Before they ever
actually have sex,
they're watching porn.
1158
01:00:41,333 --> 01:00:43,041
And they think
that's gonna happen.
1159
01:00:43,041 --> 01:00:48,583
They think that women
are just these human
Bellagio fountains,
1160
01:00:48,583 --> 01:00:51,542
just squirting constantly.
1161
01:00:51,542 --> 01:00:53,291
They think they're
gonna walk into that.
1162
01:00:53,291 --> 01:00:54,750
Remember our
generation of boys,
1163
01:00:54,750 --> 01:00:57,917
they would show up
to lose their virginity
with like, a rose.
1164
01:00:57,917 --> 01:01:02,333
Now kids show up to lose
their virginity with just
a snorkel, an umbrella,
1165
01:01:02,333 --> 01:01:04,542
just flippers.
1166
01:01:06,792 --> 01:01:08,083
It's not healthy.
1167
01:01:08,083 --> 01:01:11,250
It's all just escalated
way too far, way too fast.
1168
01:01:11,250 --> 01:01:13,583
Do you remember, like,
the good old days, like
our generation,
1169
01:01:13,583 --> 01:01:17,208
we used to have, like,
first base and second
base, remember?
1170
01:01:17,208 --> 01:01:19,750
It used to be like
first base was, like, kissing.
1171
01:01:19,750 --> 01:01:22,917
Remember? Second base was,
you know, hand up the shirt.
1172
01:01:22,917 --> 01:01:25,166
Now it is so escalated.
It is so extreme.
1173
01:01:25,166 --> 01:01:28,166
Now, like,
first base is just sex.
1174
01:01:28,166 --> 01:01:31,500
Second base, squirting.
1175
01:01:31,500 --> 01:01:34,542
Third base, gangbang.
1176
01:01:34,542 --> 01:01:39,959
A home run, he just takes you
out in the alley, murders you,
jerks off on your dead body.
1177
01:01:43,959 --> 01:01:46,667
It's a war zone
out there, man.
1178
01:01:46,667 --> 01:01:50,291
'Cause one day,
you guys will become
desensitized to squirting.
1179
01:01:50,291 --> 01:01:52,750
One day, that will be
boring to you, and then
what are we gonna do?
1180
01:01:52,750 --> 01:01:57,166
We just gonna have to
pull out our intestines
and throw 'em in your face?
1181
01:02:04,375 --> 01:02:05,834
It's not good.
1182
01:02:05,834 --> 01:02:07,166
I think we ought
to draw a line.
1183
01:02:07,166 --> 01:02:09,125
We gotta just take it down.
It's getting too intense.
1184
01:02:09,125 --> 01:02:12,959
It's like every week you guys
come out with a new way
to humiliate us.
1185
01:02:12,959 --> 01:02:15,625
You guys wanna have sex
with our boobs now.
1186
01:02:18,375 --> 01:02:22,667
You guys wanna squeeze
our boobs and fuck 'em?
1187
01:02:27,792 --> 01:02:29,500
What are you doing?
1188
01:02:30,917 --> 01:02:33,542
What guy was ever having sex
with a woman and was like,
1189
01:02:33,542 --> 01:02:38,834
"Ugh, this vagina
feels terrible, ugh.
1190
01:02:38,834 --> 01:02:44,291
"I wish I had another one
that was completely dry.
1191
01:02:44,291 --> 01:02:46,000
I know what to do."
1192
01:02:48,166 --> 01:02:51,208
No, that's
my heart, you idiot!
1193
01:02:51,208 --> 01:02:54,625
Get your dick
off my heart.
1194
01:02:59,166 --> 01:03:01,375
You guys have gotten spoiled.
You have too many options.
1195
01:03:01,375 --> 01:03:04,291
That's the problem,
you have too many options.
You guys are like...
1196
01:03:12,417 --> 01:03:14,333
It's not Whac-A-Mole.
1197
01:03:16,667 --> 01:03:19,792
I'm a human being.
1198
01:03:19,792 --> 01:03:22,917
I have feelings and dreams.
1199
01:03:22,917 --> 01:03:25,041
And parents.
1200
01:03:28,500 --> 01:03:30,458
You guys are pushing it.
1201
01:03:30,458 --> 01:03:34,542
It's getting more--
Like, I just feel like
you never come back from that,
1202
01:03:34,542 --> 01:03:37,708
having a man's...
1203
01:03:37,708 --> 01:03:42,708
torso in your...
1204
01:03:42,708 --> 01:03:44,083
face.
1205
01:03:44,083 --> 01:03:46,917
I feel like one day,
one day I will be
a mother, right?
1206
01:03:46,917 --> 01:03:49,041
Thanks to the miracles
of egg freezing.
1207
01:03:49,041 --> 01:03:52,583
One day I will be a mother.
I will be holding
my beautiful baby,
1208
01:03:52,583 --> 01:03:56,041
I'll be looking down
at my beautiful baby's eyes,
1209
01:03:56,041 --> 01:03:59,166
we'll be having this beautiful
mother-daughter bond,
1210
01:03:59,166 --> 01:04:03,917
and then I'm just gonna have
a flashback to just a dick,
just a dick, just a dick...
1211
01:04:10,250 --> 01:04:13,917
It's not how I wanted
motherhood to go down.
1212
01:04:13,917 --> 01:04:17,417
Excuse me, I have
to fix my hair after
my dick hit it.
1213
01:04:19,291 --> 01:04:22,250
You guys are getting
desensitized, and it's like,
I feel like you guys
1214
01:04:22,250 --> 01:04:24,291
are getting more violent
towards us, also.
1215
01:04:24,291 --> 01:04:28,750
It's like, the new thing
you guys want to do is
the gagging thing?
1216
01:04:28,750 --> 01:04:34,792
(gagging)
1217
01:04:38,333 --> 01:04:39,458
Is that sexy to you?
1218
01:04:39,458 --> 01:04:42,708
(resumes gagging)
1219
01:04:42,708 --> 01:04:46,000
You into that, sir?
1220
01:04:56,750 --> 01:04:59,917
You into that?
Is that your thing?
1221
01:05:03,834 --> 01:05:06,583
You like that, Internet?
1222
01:05:11,417 --> 01:05:15,000
If you're into that,
just go to jail now.
1223
01:05:15,000 --> 01:05:17,250
You're gonna end up
there eventually.
1224
01:05:17,250 --> 01:05:23,917
What, you want to put
your dicks in our throats
until we...
1225
01:05:23,917 --> 01:05:28,667
That's where
I breathe out of. You wanna
fuck my oxygen supply now?
1226
01:05:28,667 --> 01:05:31,917
Is that what it's come to?
1227
01:05:31,917 --> 01:05:35,000
Do you even like me?
Should I leave?
1228
01:05:37,166 --> 01:05:38,834
Like, what is the psychology?
1229
01:05:38,834 --> 01:05:41,875
The psychology of it is like,
"Yeah, my big dick's
gonna make her gag."
1230
01:05:41,875 --> 01:05:45,834
You know what else
makes me gag? A NyQuil gelcap.
1231
01:05:49,250 --> 01:05:51,333
It's not that big of a deal.
1232
01:05:56,875 --> 01:05:58,333
I asked a guy friend
of mine about this.
1233
01:05:58,333 --> 01:05:59,917
I was like, "What's up
with the gagging thing?
1234
01:05:59,917 --> 01:06:01,417
What's happening
with the gagging thing?"
1235
01:06:01,417 --> 01:06:05,166
He goes, "Oh, gagging's
awesome 'cause it makes
the girl cry."
1236
01:06:05,166 --> 01:06:06,875
What?!
1237
01:06:06,875 --> 01:06:09,083
I thought guys hated it
when we cried?
1238
01:06:09,083 --> 01:06:11,291
Now I know when guys leave
the room when I'm crying.
1239
01:06:11,291 --> 01:06:14,375
They're going to
the bathroom to jerk off.
1240
01:06:14,375 --> 01:06:16,500
Weirdos.
1241
01:06:16,500 --> 01:06:18,750
I don't like it.
1242
01:06:18,750 --> 01:06:21,000
I just think about all this
and I'm like, you know what?
1243
01:06:21,000 --> 01:06:23,500
I just feel like women,
we're always the ones
1244
01:06:23,500 --> 01:06:28,208
having to do the gross,
kinky, nasty, tricks
in the bedroom.
1245
01:06:28,208 --> 01:06:31,375
I feel like you guys
need to come up with
a couple fucking tricks.
1246
01:06:32,959 --> 01:06:35,250
(cheering)
1247
01:06:35,250 --> 01:06:36,959
Thank you.
1248
01:06:36,959 --> 01:06:39,083
I will strike
a deal with you, okay?
1249
01:06:39,083 --> 01:06:41,625
I will learn to squirt
1250
01:06:41,625 --> 01:06:46,959
if you teach your dicks
how to blow bubbles.
1251
01:06:49,375 --> 01:06:53,000
Thank you guys
so much for coming out
to the show, everybody!
1252
01:06:53,000 --> 01:06:55,166
Thank you!
1253
01:06:55,166 --> 01:06:57,750
(cheering)
1254
01:07:04,500 --> 01:07:05,917
Thank you!
1255
01:07:05,917 --> 01:07:08,250
Hi, cuties!
1256
01:07:13,417 --> 01:07:14,708
Thank you!
1257
01:07:14,708 --> 01:07:17,792
First and foremost...
1258
01:07:21,083 --> 01:07:23,917
I just want to say thank you
so much for coming out.
1259
01:07:23,917 --> 01:07:26,959
It's always been such a big
dream of mine to have
an HBO special,
1260
01:07:26,959 --> 01:07:28,792
so this is a very
big deal for me.
1261
01:07:28,792 --> 01:07:32,083
Thank you. Thank you.
1262
01:07:32,083 --> 01:07:36,875
Um, and I would like
to dedicate this special
to my father
1263
01:07:36,875 --> 01:07:38,959
who is right now
going through something.
1264
01:07:38,959 --> 01:07:41,291
Keep fighting, Dad,
I love you very much.
1265
01:07:48,792 --> 01:07:51,708
And, as promised,
1266
01:07:51,708 --> 01:07:53,667
I will now take some
pictures with you guys
1267
01:07:53,667 --> 01:07:58,625
because I know that the only
reason you guys came here
was to get a fucking selfie,
1268
01:07:58,625 --> 01:08:01,583
and you haven't been listening
this entire show,
1269
01:08:01,583 --> 01:08:05,291
and you're just trying
to figure out how this
is gonna benefit you
1270
01:08:05,291 --> 01:08:06,959
and your Instagram feed.
1271
01:08:06,959 --> 01:08:09,834
So... (laughing)
1272
01:08:09,834 --> 01:08:13,208
So, what we'll do is
you guys can put your phone
in selfie mode.
1273
01:08:13,208 --> 01:08:15,834
I think you probably know
how to do that, you live
in Los Angeles,
1274
01:08:15,834 --> 01:08:17,208
all you do is take selfies.
1275
01:08:17,208 --> 01:08:20,166
So, hold it up
and I'll get in
the background of it.
1276
01:08:20,166 --> 01:08:21,875
So, uh, let's do it.
1277
01:08:21,875 --> 01:08:25,041
Thank you, guys. I love you.
1278
01:08:30,166 --> 01:08:35,000
♪ ♪
101125
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.