All language subtitles for Watermelon Man (1970) REMUX.eng.hi

[rhythmic thumping]

[thumping continues]

Seventy-nine, 80, 81,

82, 83, 84,

85, 86...

[man breathing heavily]

Come on! Harder!
[heavy breathing continues]

Come on, yell!

♪ Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care ♪

♪ Jimmy crack com, and I don't care
My master's gone away ♪

[man] Take that, my good man!

Oh, you are fast, Muhammad Ali.
You are fast, all right.

[groans] Rabbit punch!

Jesus, ref, are you blind?

You're a credit to your race.

Man on TV ...injured
and damage estimated in the millions.

It is the third such outbreak
in this area this month

and reflects the unrest that has plagued
the area since early last year,

when similar conflagrations arose
all across the country.

- Morning, troops.
- Many attribute the action

- to a predictable seasonal unemployment...
- Hello, sweetheart.

Hey, Burton. [Mutters]

Should another such incident occur,
he would be compelled

to ask for special federal riot troops,
an action that no one wants...

Least of all the White House,
which has been hopeful

that such disturbances were over,
at least for the time being.

That's gotta be
the smallest screen in the world.

They look like ants.

They're getting very dangerous.

Screen that size ought to only have
15-minute shows.

[chuckles] Get it?
Small screen, small shows?

[chuckles]

You said that yesterday.

You didn't get it yesterday either.

It wasn't funny yesterday
any more than it'll be funny tomorrow.

Critics everywhere.

Aren't you concerned
with the civil rights issue?

Yeah, sure.

Most people are just crazy.
They think that any moment

a Negro's gonna hit 'em over the head
with a watermelon

and steal their high school ring.

I think white people have to show greater
interest and understanding. How else —.

-Look, Althea —
-Your bus'll be coming by soon.

I like to give 'em a head start.
Makes a contest out of it.

It is now post time.

Thank you, my dear.

Off to another smash week
in the insurance game.

I want you to know that I feel
I'm leading a boring life.

I am so advised.

You were so advised
yesterday.

It wasn't funny
yesterday either.

Don't kiss me.

I wasn't gonna kiss you.
It's just that my shorts are too tight.

Mommy, can we watch Daddy
run out the door?

- No, you may not.
- Oh, boy.

There goes your stupid bus.

Doesn't stand a chance.

- There he is, the son of a bitch!
- Step on it! You've got him by 50 yards!

Sorry, folks.
I gotta make a stop at this corner.

Have your exact change ready, folks.

[excited chattering, shouting]

[passengers chattering, exclaiming]

[chattering, exclaiming continue]

[woman] Hurry up!

[passengers groaning, booing]

[man] Go, go, go, go, go!

[passengers cheering, chanting]

[chattering, exclaiming continue]

[passengers] Oh, shit!

[exhales forcefully]
Winner and still undefeated, folks.

Pay some respectful homage, please.
Some applause, please.

[chuckles]
Shows you have good taste, lady.

Fare, please.

Arrogant, arrogant. They're all arrogant.

In the good old days, in the old South,
you'd have to drive from back here.

[laughing] Get it? Back of the bus?

Why don't you take
all the money you save racing this bus

and race a cab?

[man] That is very funny. [Laughing]

Hey, driver, you hear that?

They're only good for short distances.

Hundred yards, maybe.

But over a long haul,

they just don't have it in 'em.

♪ Camptown racetrack, five miles long
Doo-dah, doo-dah ♪

♪ Camptown racetrack, five miles long... ♪

[man] See you tomorrow, fans.
Same time, same station.

Not such a big shot when it rains, are ya?

- When it rains, you ride.
- No, no. When it rains, it pours.

[laughs]

Come on, Joe.
Hey, Joe, come on, come on, come on!

Morning, Mr. Gerber.

- Morning, Joe. How goes it?
- Oh, okay.

Any rioting in the neighborhood
last night?

Uh, I don't see any broken windows.

[chuckles] What's the matter?
This place ain't good enough to loot?

[both laughing]

Oh, Mr. Gerber!

- The usual, Mr. Gerber?
- Oh, yes.

But make mine a double.
I'm feeling a bit under par this morning.

One double Polynesian health juice,
coming up.

[laughing]

Hey, no offense
about that looting remark, you know.

Oh, no, Mr. Gerber. [Laughs]

I know you don't go
for that sort of thing. [Chuckles]

No, okay.

And of course, if you did,

it'd be very hard for the police
to identify you.

I mean, an hour later... [chuckles]
...all you cats look alike.

All us guys look — Oh, Mr. Gerber!
[laughing]

Here's to your health.

- [phone rings]
- Oh, excuse me, Mr. Gerber.

Hello. No. Goodbye.

Hey, Joe, there's an extra nickel
in there for you.

- Oh, thank you, Mr. Gerber. [Laughs]
- A tip.

- Thank you, Mr. Gerber.
- Forget it.

[no audible dialogue]

Okay, buddy. This is a hijack.

Take this elevator to Harlem!

[laughing]

Hey, how'd you do in the poker game, Andy?

[stammers] Okay. Fine.

Hey, uh, when are you and Dottie

coming over to the house
to try out my new barbecue?

Oh, uh, s-soon, soon. R-Real soon.

Five Saturdays in a row I asked you.

I'm beginning to think
you all don't like us.

- Don't be silly. It's just that, uh...
- Okay.

Then we'll expect you
next Saturday at 5:00,

and no more excuses
about the children being sick.

Actually, uh,
Dottie hasn't been feeling well.

Get her cured by the weekend.

Sluts, sluts! All of you, sluts!

Next thing you know,
you'll be smoking cigarettes.

Hello there, Erica,
you gorgeous hunk of Sweden.

- [Erica] Norway.
- Norway, Sweden.

What difference does it make
as long as you're a blonde?

[chuckles] Are you?

Just curious.

I mean, how many girls
are really blonde all the way?

Collars and cuffs? [Chuckles]

Excuse me, Mr. Gerber,
but I must get back to my desk.

A dollar if you walk fast and stop short,

two dollars if you trot,
five dollars if you run,

and ten dollars if you're really a blonde.

[chuckles]

Gerber, in here!

Yassuh, Mr. Townsend!

And $50 if you're a fella.

[Irish accent] Top of the morning to you,
Mr. Townsend. And how are you?

Sit down and stop being so damned happy.

- It's depressing.
- Yes, Sir.

Gerber, I am not going to mince words.

You have turned in
a very disappointing month.

I agree with you,
but considering the time of year...

I'm pointing out it's a sub-productive
month. I'm not asking why.

It's income tax time,
and though people die, they seldom buy.

Gerber, I may as well come
right out and say this.

It's time somebody told you...

I've got bad breath. Bad breath.

You've got something much worse than that.

Offensive perspiration? Midriff bulge?

Uh, dingy dentures? Asiatic crud?

There!
That's exactly that kind of a remark.

You, Gerber, are a smart-ass.

A number-one, king-size smart-ass.

I'm the best salesman in this office.

You were, but your rate
of new policies is dropping.

Here I've been going about

particularly trying to sell policies
only to younger men,

who can live longer
and pay premiums longer,

and you don't appreciate it.

Anybody can sell a policy to a 90-year-old
man with a cough and the shingles.

Listen, Gerber,
your customers curl up their toes

at the same rate
as all our other customers.

Of course, if 23 of my customers go down
in a sailing boat accident,

that's bound to raise the mortality rate.

- What sailing boat?
- Uh, in the squall.

What squall?

Oh, no, it was a train.
Thirty-three went right off the trestle.

What train?

Would you believe
a tidal wave in Kansas City?

A volcano in Poughkeepsie?

- Mass suicides on Fire Island?
- Gerber!

Okay. Mr. Townsend, about your breath —
[chortling]

[laughs]

Hey, look. Make it easy on yourself.

Home? Office? Your house.

Okay, then. Tuesday, 5:30.

Very good. Good show. See you then, John.

[laughs]

Six out of six. The kid does tricks.

[humming]

Clark Dunwoodie, please.

Oh, hi. Hey, Clark.

Jeff Gerber, Superior Standard Life.

Hey, how about that lunch
I've been promising you, huh?

Good show.

Anytime you say.

[man on TV]
...local black leaders doing their utmost

to keep their pledge to the mayor.

The police are ready
should violence suddenly erupt.

[sighs]

What are you trying to prove
with all that running?

Don't bug me, Althea.
I had a traumatic day.

Thirteen appointments out of 15 calls.
[chuckling]

- Is that all you watch? Race riots?
- [man on TV continues speaking]

What are you, perverse?

It's an important problem.

It was announced that should a request
be made for federal intervention,

army units would be immediately
made available...

- [switches off]
- I was watching!

I'm gonna have my dinner without
watching a bunch of uppity darkies

jigging up and down on my TV screen.

- Why are you so hateful?
- I'm not hateful.

And don't start telling me
I have a personality problem.

I said no such thing.

I merely tried to point out that
there's an issue in this country today

that has to do with
the equal rights of man.

What kind of dinner is this?
What kind of dinner is this, huh?

Eskimos chew on blubber.

There's your old persecution complex.
Whenever you're hurt, attack.

- Well, that's what this is all about.
- [switches on]

[man on TV]
...and our best-informed newsmen.

[Althea] I don't want you staying up
too late, Burton.

You should've done that this afternoon.

Go to sleep, dear.

Maybe tomorrow morning I'll let you
watch your father run out of the house.

[Burton] Why can't he walk
like everybody else?

Perhaps he's afraid
somebody will catch him.

Kids at school laugh at him.
They call me "Son of Speedy."

Why does Daddy race buses, Mommy?

Nobody seems to know, dear.

Is it like some people save stamps?

[Althea] Yes, exactly.

Some people save stamps,
some make model airplanes,

some drink, some smoke pot.

Well, your father races buses.

If he smoked pot, he'd get there faster.

Good night, children.

Uh, our house is worth $37,000
on the open market.

[Althea] Mm, that's nice.

[Jeff] That's 17% more
than we paid for it.

[Althea chuckles] You need a haircut.

Are we gonna get ready for bed
early tonight? It's Wednesday.

- Wednesday?
- Mm-hmm.

[Jeff] It's Monday.

- [Althea] Let's pretend it's Wednesday.
- [scoffs]

- [Jeff sighs]
- Forget it.

I'm going to bed.

You'll know where to find me.

Yes.

[rhythmic inhaling, exhaling]

How come you're not watching the riots?

Haven't started yet.

What's the movie?

I don't know.

What's the commercial?

I don't know.

Keep yourself pretty well informed,
don't you?

- I think we have to face up to something.
- Oh, look. Don't start.

- You can't stand the sight of me.
- I can so.

You can't stand to touch me.

Wrong again.

- There's no passion in our life.
- There's plenty of passion in our life.

Let's pretend it's Wednesday.

What?

- Look, sweetie, I've had a hard day.
- I know you're tired.

But at least let me wake up
on your side of the bed

like we used to Thursday mornings.

[sighs]

As soon as Janice was born,
we stopped going to bed.

Now, that's an exaggeration.

We can't afford more than two children

unless we have six at one time.

That way, everything's free.

And we can give them all away,
except the spotted one.

We can make love
without having children, you know.

- There are methods. There are devices.
- They're not foolproof.

They are if you use them
all at the same time.

I'm not making love to any heavy tank.

I've still got some good years left, Jeff.

Oh, Jesus.

I take something,

and I wear something,

and I keep count,

-and if you —
-[snoring]

Jeff!

Jeff.

[TV: PA announcement, faint]

[sighs]

[TV: Train chugging]

[man on TV] We were so right
to come here, dearest.

To get away.

[woman] Yes, Ralph. I know.

It's lovely.

[man] Being with you, Sylvia.

[woman] Being with you, Ralph.

[man on TV] It marks the first time

federalized troops have been used
in this city.

Black leaders have warned
that should such a situation...

[TV clicks off]

[screaming]

How now,

brown cow?

[grunts]

It's a nightmare.
That's what it is, old buddy.

A nightmare.

Must've been something you ate.

That's right, something you ate.

[chuckling nervously]

Put up yo' hands!

Gimme your high school ring.

A nightmare...

or too much sunlamp.

Boy, what a great sunlamp.

[groaning]

Althea, I'm having a nightmare
about my sunlamp.

So don't wake up...

and try and talk me out of it.

It's just a little nightmare
about a great sunlamp.

I'm going back to bed now.

And I know that when I wake up
again in the morning,

my skin will be lovely and white.

So just stay asleep, Althea.

Because as long as you're asleep,
it's a nightmare.

But if you wake up and begin screaming,

it won't be a nightmare anymore.

And I don't want that to happen.

So just stay asleep, Althea.

As long as you're asleep,
it's a nightmare.

And all night long, it'll be a nightmare.

It's a nightmare.

It's a nightmare.

It's not a nightmare.

Sure is an even tan.

What a great sunlamp. [Chuckling]

What a great nightmare
about a great sunlamp.

That's an old wives' tale.

[shower running]

Daddy?

Mommy says I can watch you
run out of the house today.

Dad, you in the shower?

[Jeff] Yes. I'm having a nightmare.

Can we watch you run out of the house?

Uh, no, sweetheart.
Uh, I won't be going to work today.

I'm not feeling well.

But Mommy said.

Dad, the whole house
is getting steamed up.

So's your old man!

- Listen, Burton.
- Yeah?

Uh, tell your mother to get you both
off to school, and then come in here.

You mean,
you won't be racing the bus today?

Don't ever bring up the race issue again.

[door closes]

[Jeff] O Lord,
I've never been a religious man.

I won't try to kid you about that.

I don't go to church, and I only pray
when I'm feeling scared or rotten.

I meant to pray last night.

Perhaps you're angry because I didn't.

Anyway, Lord, I'm in trouble now,
which is why I'm trying to make contact.

Please, Lord,
make it all be a terrific nightmare,

and will you see a nice person
come out of this shower.

I want you to know
that I am a true believer.

There are no atheists in this shower.

I'm praying now, Lord. Do you hear me?

If you hear me, don't say or do anything.

Good.

Okay, Lord,

I'm coming out now.

And I wouldn't care if
I gained 20 pounds...

as long as I'm white.

Here I come, Lord.

[both scream]

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff!
There's a Negro in your shower!

[Jeff] It is not a Negro!

[Althea] Yes, yes! It is! I saw him!
Call the police! He'll kill us!

[Jeff] I am not a Negro! I'm me!

- If this is another one of your jokes...
- Now, look, Althea.

I'm coming out of the shower again,
and I want no screaming. You hear?

Now, there's a logical answer to this,
but we'll never find out

if I dry up into a prune in this shower.

Now, I'm coming out again, you hear? Okay?

Yes. Okay.

[Jeff] Now, hand me a towel.

All right. Here I come, ready or not.

Open your eyes, Althea.
I need a friendly opinion.

[screams]

Did you have to give me a white towel,
you simp?

Boy, you sure have
a warped sense of humor, baby.

Oh, my God! Oh, my good God!

Oh, shut up. There is no God.
He don't give a damn.

- You-You look like a Negro.
- I know what I look like. Shut up.

I mean, a dark one.
I mean, if I didn't know you —.

- Will you shut up, Althea?
- [exclaims]

Should I hide the money?

Oh, you are hilarious.

[stammering] How do you know you're you?

That's the dumbest thing you've ever said.
Of course I know it's me.

I can tell from my bridge work.
Look. See? Huh? Huh?

- Your teeth are very white.
- That's the contrast.

- And your hair.
- My hair's always been naturally curly.

What about your birthmarks?

I can't find them anymore.

Maybe I've been overdoing
the sunlamp a bit.

[Althea] A bit!
If you spent as much time in bed

as you do under that sunlamp,
maybe we would have more children.

This is no time to discuss
additional children.

I should say not.
What would the neighbors think?

A lot of half-colored kids running around!

- I am not colored!
- Well, that's your story.

When's the last time
you looked in the mirror?

It's the sunlamp, isn't it?

Because you wouldn't be
teasing me like that

if it wasn't the sunlamp,
'cause you're not a cruel person.

- [screams] Don't you touch me.
- Oh, boy. You are a treat.

You're something to have around
in an emergency.

You know — You know, it's very strange.

My mother always thought
you were a little on the dark side.

She never came right out and asked me —.

Your mother is in no position
to judge other people's races.

The way her eyes slant up, my mother
always thought she was Chinese.

- Silliest thing I ever heard.
- Oh, yeah?

Well, then,
how come her feet are so small?

And how come whenever you ask her
when she was born,

she always says, "The year of the dragon"?

And how come she was always
so anxious to wash my shirts?

Does that sound like
a white woman to you? Huh?

My mother has almond-shaped eyes.

So has Mao Tse-TUNG.

And she eats too much rice. If you ask me,
she's a member of the Red Guard.

All right, Jeff, but it isn't
a Chinese issue we are discussing.

We're discussing a Negro issue.

It's a sunlamp issue!

Well, that may very well be,

but you certainly can't go
to the office like that.

Oh, my God. What time is it?

Gladys is in the office now.

That's the first thing.
I gotta report in sick.

[muttering]

You can't tell her
that you woke up sunburned.

Sometime, Althea, sometime...

Look, I won't be coming in today.

Well, I'm, uh, feeling a bit off-color.
[chuckles]

[stammering] Anyway, uh, Gladys,

look, just cancel all my appointments
for the day, okay?

Tell 'em I'll call 'em tomorrow.
Okay? Okay. Thank you.

Now, the trick is to be logical
and rational.

I got a warranty around here
for that sunlamp.

Let's see. Logical and rational. Yeah.

You really think it's the sunlamp,
don't you?

Oh, you'd like me to be colored,
wouldn't you?

Not really. But it would serve you right
with that attitude of white supremacy.

I didn't see you exactly runnin' over

to hug and kiss me
when you thought I was a Negro.

I was upset
because I thought you were a stranger.

Oh, beans. If it was a white stranger
came out of that shower,

you'd have humped him.

Ah, here it is.

They're a reputable company.
I'm sure this has happened before.

[Althea] Yeah, all over Africa.

Oh, just keep it up, baby.
Just keep it up.

[spits]

Hello. I'd like to speak —
To speak to somebody

with regard to your sunlamp model LT34X.

Oh, it's working, all right.
A little bit too well. Uh, thank you.

They're switching me to the manager.

Hello. My name is Gerber.

I've got one of your model LT34X sunlamps.

Uh, serial number 36677231.

Uh, yeah. Well, the problem is —
That's an old wives' tale. Excuse me.

Uh, the problem is, uh,
it's made me rather dark.

Whew!

Well, a little darker than was necessary.

Uh, yes. Once in the morning
and, uh, once at night.

Uh, yes, I-I use a lotion.
Uh, well, it's kind of my own concoction.

Uh, baby oil, cocoa butter,
iodine and soy sauce.

[Althea chuckles]

About one-third soy sauce.

Well, of course you never heard of it.
It's my own formula. [Chuckles]

Look, you don't seem to understand.
It's left me very tan.

Yes, very.

Dark.

Very dark.

Yes, very.

You stupid — [whimpering]

No, it's not a joke.
I am not Sid Percival pulling your leg.

42 Tangerine Lane,
and I'm a dissatisfied customer.

- Hello? Hello — Hello?
- [clicking phone cradle switch]

Can you beat that?

They want to send me a new sunlamp.

[Althea chuckles]
That's very sporting of them.

What the hell am I gonna do
with a new sunlamp?

Well, maybe you could mate them.

You're just having a dandy time, boy.

- Oh, relax, Jeff.
- Althea.

You wouldn't hug me unless
you really thought I was white, right?

Oh, poor baby. Don't worry.
You'll be white again.

- Hey, wait a minute.
- What is it?

There are things we can do.

What do they do
when they want to look white?

-They must use salves and creams —
-Hair straighteners.

I don't want my hair straightened!
I want my skin straightened!

- What the hell else are we talkin' about?
- Where are you going?

To one of their drugstores. Call me a cab.

Your cab's here.

What are you doing?

The door's not open on the cab.
Go on out and open the door on the cab.

[gasps]

[sighs]

[knocking]

[scoffs]

[car door closes]

Take me to the colored section.

Nice neighborhood.
What do you do there? Mow the lawn?

What do they pay you?

I get to sleep with the lady of the house.

Would you put your hands down?
All I want is a pair of sunglasses.

Now, look. I got a skin problem.

What's this? And this? Get me a paper bag.

No, better yet, get me a box.
A box. A big box.

There you go. All right. Let's see, now.
Uh-huh. White, yeah.

Okay, give me some of these.
Yeah, Afro Sheen.

Uh-huh. All right. Now, let's see.

Ah! Let me try
some of this white-folk stuff here.

Let's see here. That's good.

Beautiful Bleach. That probably
is great stuff. Miracle Wash.

Hair straightener. That'll help.

More processing stuff there.

All right.

You remember, if anybody asks you
if you ever saw me in here,

you never laid eyes on me.

Okay. Mum's the word.

[Jeff] Any change?

No.

But I don't imagine it would be immediate.

I don't think any intelligent Negro
expects it to be immediate.

- Don't be so militant.
- It's different.

I'm not militant, I'm white.
I expect it to be immediate.

We've rubbed in four different brands.
Don't you think we ought to stop?

Come on. Put on some more
hair straightener. Come on. Here.

Jeff, I —
I don't want you to get all excited,

but I do think you're a little lighter.

It's hard to tell through the cream, but —.

Uh, yeah. I-I think you're right.
Around the neck here, right?

- Especially around the neck.
- Uh-huh. And around the chin?

Yes, the chin too.

- A-And around the nose? Hmm?
- Yes.

You're lying to me, Althea!

Don't lie to me, Althea!
Just don't lie to me!

Oh, this is crazy.
I don't want to be this color!

What are you doing up there?

- Calm down.
- Oh, I'll yell all I want!

He can't hear me!
He's the white man's God!

- Jeff, you are not a Negro.
- Oh, my goodness. I'm getting darker.

Come on. Get all this crap off me.
Come on. Quick.

Oh, my — 'Cause I need more —.

- Ooh! I'm getting darker! I can see it!
- Jeff, calm down.

I can't take a — I can't take a shower,

"cause if I take a shower,
my body will shrink

and the skin I have won't...

- [muffled yelling]
- Will you calm down?

The children will be home from school soon
and I don't want you getting them upset.

Upset? Wait until they find out
they have a colored daddy.

Huh? Wait till I get down my knee
and I sing "Mammy."

- [groaning]
- Gonna talk yourself into it, Jeff.

Oh, my goodness. These creams don't work.

No wonder Negroes riot.

I mean, these are worthless hoaxes.

[Jeff] Hi.

Hi.

I'm your father.

- Sure. Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Dad.

Um, don't you have anything
you want to say to me?

Your face is dirty.

That's a nice thing to say to your father.

Sure is a heck of a tan you got, Dad.
You look like a colored man.

That's very good. Thank you, Burton.
We could use you at the UN.

- Come on, kids. I'll get dinner ready.
- What are we having?

Black-eyed peas, hominy grits,
corn bread, ham hocks.

[Burton] What's with him?

Didn't get to race his bus this morning.
He's a little upset.

Why are you doing that, Daddy?

- Doing what, sweetheart?
- Racing buses.

[Althea] Come on, Janice. You don't
want your ham hocks to get cold.

In here or in the dining room?

What is it?

I gotta see.
Maybe it's the lighting in here.

Maybe in the daylight,
I'll look less colored.

What are you going to do?

I'm gonna go for a walk.

Where to?

In the backyard.

How brave of you.

You're certainly getting whiter whites
these days, aren't you, Mrs. Johnson?

[Mrs. Johnson]
Oh, yes. I'm using a new detergent.

Well, I wish you'd tell my wife the brand,

because we have a few things
around our house

that really need whitening.

- [screams]
- [screaming]

- Jeff, are you all right?
- Yeah.

You're hardly breathing.

I don't want to ruin it.

You look like a birthday cake.

It's getting very late.
Can't you at least lie down in bed?

No, I'm afraid I'll roll over
and destroy the mold.

Well, all right.

- Althea?
- Yes?

My last words:

Pray for me.

[rooster crowing]

Jeff?

Jeff, are you asleep?

My God, you've set!
Jeff! Jeff! Are you breathing?

Have to do this.

I'll try not to hurt you.

I'm sorry about that.

Jeff, can you speak?
How do you feel? Can you speak?

Like a broken leg.

Oh, thank God you're all right!

My God. It's growing and strangling me.

I'll have you out in a jiffy.

- [Jeff groaning]
- [Althea grunting]

Be careful with that chisel, or you'll —.

Careful with that chisel.
I got enough dimples.

[Althea exclaims]

I think I'm getting the hang of it now.

[Jeff sighing] What color am I?

Uh, well, uh —
Uh, I'll have to open the blinds.

Wait a moment. Do it gradually.
Remove a little around the ears.

All righty.

Wh-What color am I?

Uh, did you drink any more milk?

Yeah, I had another quart,
and then my hand was paralyzed.

Oh. Poor thing.

If we'd only known, I could've
rigged you up a tube or something.

- What color am I, Althea?
- Uh, well, uh — [chuckles]

Let's see.

Tell me the truth,
but tell me I'm white, Althea.

You're white.

Oh, God.

Dark white.

What?

Well, I'm sure you're white,
but you're a little on the dark side.

Get me to a mirror.

[screaming]

I'm Black! I'm Black!

I'm Black!

I'm Black!

[groaning]

I'm a nigger!

- I'm a nigger!
- Jeff, you'll have a stroke!

I want a stroke! I want appendicitis!

I want to throw myself under a bridge,
out of a window!

I want earaches! I want headaches!

Althea, I want my whiteness back!

Oh! Where is that schmucky white knight
on that schmucky white horse?

Stick me! Stick me! Turn me white!

Rinso-white! Rinso-white!

Jeff, the neighbors!

The neighbors, the neighbors,
the neighbors!

The neighbors will crap when they see me!

There goes the neighborhood!
There it goes!

- Jeff, stop that!
- I'm Black!

I'm Black!

[exclaims, gasps]

Oh, milk.

Oh, cleanse me, O great milk.

[groans] Oh, clean me, great milk.

Make me free again.

You're white.
You're a nut, but you're white.

I want all the mirrors removed
from this house, woman.

That's a direct order
from your husband, Othello. [Wailing]

You stupid little boy!
Is this the way you face a problem?

-Well —
-Shut up!

You've abused your skin.
You've dyed your skin.

Yes. Yes, I did.
W-Wasn't that silly of me?

It was stupid.

Yeah, stupid. Uh, i-insane.

Insane.

- Crazy.
- Crazy.

- Idiotic.
- Shut up.

Well, I gotta get back to work.

You might as well forget this day.

So just relax. The kids are off to school.

Come down,
and I'll make you some breakfast.

I am not sure this emotionalizing
isn't retarding your skin

from returning to its normal color.

You're making great sense, Althea.

I don't know, maybe... maybe we needed
this little emergency to, uh,

make us realize how much
we need and love each other.

[chuckles]

I'd hate to think every married couple
has to get all shook up like this

to see how much they're in love.

No riots yesterday.
Maybe that's a good omen.

- [doorbell rings]
- Jeff!

The Ku Klux Klan never rings the bell.

- Uh, Gerber?
- Yes.

Couple packages here.
I want you sign right here.

- We didn't order anything.
- Sunlamp. Just put it right on here...

- [Jeff screaming]
- [Althea] Oh, Jeff!

- Jeff, stop it!
- Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

- Jeff!
- [screaming continues]

- Wait a minute!
- Jeff! Jeff!

Back! Back! Back! Back! Back! Back!

- I don't think I know you!
- [Althea] Back, back! I said back!

- [man] Help! Somebody!
- Jeff! Jeff!

[screaming continues]

Back, back! I said, back! Back! Back!

- Hey!
- Back! Back, Jeff, back!

- Back! Back!
- Get him off!

Stay back! Back!

Way back! Just get back!

[Althea] Back! Back! Back! Back!

Back, back, back, back!
I say, Jeff, back! Down!

[gasping]

Jesus. Talk about Black power.

- I'm-I'm terribly sorry.
- That's all right.

Gimme my — No, m-my cap — Never mind.

I must have the wrong address.
Put it on my head.

- Why?
- Huh? "Why"?

That guy needs a sunlamp
like Fred Astaire needs dancing lessons.

Just close the door behind me, that's all.
Let me go.

[sighs]

I heard. I heard him.

- So you heard.
- He thinks I'm colored.

[chuckles] So what?
You thought you were colored.

Until you learned the facts,
you thought you were colored, right?

- So?
- So why shouldn't he think you're colored?

You're right again, Althea.

I tell you, you're a growing source
of strength to me.

You could've killed that man.

I suppose so.

Negroes in this city have enough trouble
without your killing a white man.

And what is that supposed to mean?

What's wrong with Dad, Mom?

Too much sunlamp.

[Jeff] Ooga-booga-doo.

I'm getting whiter and whiter.

Ooga-booga-dooga-doo.

Ooga-booga-dooga-do.

Me friend.

[Jeff] Not funny.

You got enough milk?

- Yeah.
- You think you're getting any whiter?

No, but my skin is getting
lovely and soft.

You know, you've been in there
three hours. You're going to marinate.

- Isn't it cold?
- Yeah, a little.

- Want me to warm it up a little?
- You know I hate warm milk.

Have you decided whether or not
you're going to work tomorrow?

I'm going to work.

I promised the kids they could watch you
run out of the house.

Did you promise them they could stay up
and watch the cross burn on our lawn?

Well, is there anything I can get you?

A box of graham crackers? Or some Bosco?

[sighs] I don't need companionship.
I've got my book.

Yes, I know.
Voodoo Without Killing Chickens.

They told me at the library
it's number one in Haiti.

- [Althea sighs]
- "Ooga-booga-dooga-doo."

[Althea] Ooga-booga-dooga-doo. Bon voyage.

Ooga-booga-dooga-doo.

Ooga-dooga-booga-doo.

- [Althea scoffs]
- The bus! The bus is coming! Yay!

[Jeff humming]

[children] Yay!

[man] There he is! Back in action!

[passengers clamoring]

- Is that him? What happened to him?
- [man laughing]

Of course it's him! Has to be him!
What happened to him?

Son of a bitch! Look, somebody
might've killed him by now!

- It's him!
- [passengers chattering]

- [clamoring]
- Move this thing!

[man] Come on!
He's catching up! He's catching up!

He's catching up! He's catching up!

[passengers continue clamoring]

[passengers clapping rhythmically,
chanting]

[screams] Police!

[women screaming]

[all shouting]

[shouting, chattering]

[excited chattering]

Stop! Thief!

[people exclaiming, shouting]

Where are you running, Seabiscuit?

Police violence!

Sure. What's in the case?

Shoes.

Whose?

Mine!

[woman] Neighborhood isn't safe anymore.

[Jeff] I didn't do anything!

[woman] Neighborhood isn't safe anymore.

- [woman 2] It's terrible. Just terrible.
- Break it up.

- [policeman] Shoes.
- [Jeff] I told you.

- Try 'em on, Cinderella.
- What?

- Well, they're yours, all right.
- I told you!

[policeman] Somebody got a complaint
against this man?

Somebody see him steal anything? Speak up.

[man] I didn't see him, but he must have.

[driver] What is it, Officer?
What did this man do?

- [woman] Oh, they stick together, they do.
- What did he do?

[woman 2] He stole something.

What did I steal?
Who saw me steal something?

[policeman]
Anybody see this man steal anything?

A purse? A wallet?
How about a brand-new color TV set?

You know this man?

This man's a regular passenger on my bus.
He was runnin' for the bus.

Since when is there a law
against runnin' for the bus?

All right, break it up, folks.

Break it up. Shoo, shoo!

Come on.

Hey, uh, what happened to you, man?

How come I never noticed
you were colored before?

Because I was never colored before.

- Oh, it happened just like that, huh?
- Just like that!

Well, when you get back on the bus,
just sit down and cool it.

- They don't love you, you know?
- Nobody loves me. Big deal.

- Well, just don't make any trouble.
- Listen, I am not colored!

I know. I'm Spanish, myself.

♪ Sometimes I feel
Like a motherless child ♪

Hasta la vista.

[sighs]

Hey.

Health drink. Double.
And don't be a wise guy.

Hey. Don't I know you from somewhere?

I'm Mr. Gerber. Jeff Gerber.

Well, I ain't Gunga Din.

I never noticed.

Hurry up with my health drink.
I'm late as it is now.

- [fingers snap]
- Slow your roll, man.

I told the owner
the lights in here wasn't no good.

Hey, Jeff.

You certainly set a good example.

A good job like you got.

What's draggin' you, brother?

I'm wondering what's, uh,
in this health drink.

Oh, that.

Orange juice,

papaya juice,

lime juice and soy sauce.

Soy sauce? What the hell
are you puttin' in soy sauce for?

Well, we was all out
of Worcestershire sauce.

- What?
- Cool it, Jeff.

That's why they don't want us
in these places now.

"Us"?

[scoffs] I'll sue the entire NAACP.

Look at my skin!

I don't have to look at your skin.
I can look at my own.

Here, now. What's goin' on?

I'm gonna have this entire place shut down
as a homosexual hangout.

- Who is that gentleman?
- Soy sauce. [Scoffs]

Oh, now look, Mr. Soy Sauce,
I don't want any trouble.

I've always gotten along well
with members of your race.

Ask Joe here.

I'm not Negro, I'm Spanish! Soy sauce!

Not one word.

Not one word.

"US."

Can I help you?

No one can help me.

Whom is it you wish to see about what?

I'd like to see Abe Lincoln
about this equality bullshit.

[gasps] Mr. Gerber!

Well, it ain't soy sauce.

What happened to you?

I'm pledging for a fraternity.

- Mr. Gerber!
- Never heard of him.

But, Mr. Gerber —.

Get out of my way, Erica, unless you
want to feel the wrath of my switchblade.

I would like to feel
the wrath of your switchblade.

- Morning, Gladys.
- Mr. Gerber, what happened?

[door shuts]

Is there anything I can do?

Hide your high school ring.

Mr. Townsend said for you to see him
as soon as you come in.

All right.

- All right?
- [chuckling] All right.

[intercom buzzes]

Yes?

[woman] Mr. Townsend is waiting.

Yes.

Okay.

[Jeff] I'm colored, Mr. Townsend.
I'm a Negro.

What the hell have you been doing?
Sitting under a sunlamp?

Oh, that's the nicest thing
you ever said to me, sir.

Did you get that tan
in the two days you were out?

Yes, yes, I did. The secret is soy sauce.

Lots and lots of soy sauce.

- Don't you think you overdid it a bit?
- Yes. Yes, I do. I really do.

It was a frightening experience.

I should think so.

Look, there's no need to come apart at
the seams. It'll fade, and you'll be fine.

You still have got to pick up your sales.

Until I spoke to you, Mr. Townsend,
I must confess, I was pretty shook up.

All right. Go on back to your desk,
and don't let me down.

All right, sir. God bless you, sir.

There still is a God, you know, sir?

[Jeff chortles]

Miss Regan.

[gasps] Yes, Mr. Townsend?

Would you get my optometrist on the phone?

These tinted contact lenses he gave me...

I think they're a bit on the dark side.

Hello, palefaces. Come on, girls.

Get back to work, or you'll be back
on the streets working for real money.

What's the matter, fella?
Ain't you never seen an Aztec before?

What the hell have you done
to yourself, Jeff?

How do you like my golden glow, Andy?

- Don't I look like a Friggin' bronze god?
- That's not what they're sayin'.

I have it on no less an authority
than D.J. Townsend

that I have a glorious tan.

I gotta tell you, Jeff,
if I didn't know you, I'd have to say —.

Look, Andy, if you have inherent
racial prejudice, that's your hang-up.

I personally think
I have a beautiful color.

Gladys, bring in my appointment book,
please, dear.

[Jeff humming]

♪ There'll be pennies from heaven
For you and me ♪

Clark Dunwoodie, please.

[humming] ♪ Pennies from heav — ♪

Hello, Clark? Jeff Gerber.

I hopped down to the islands
for a couple days.

Get that old tan in shape, you know?
How's about today, lunch?

Well, you name it.

Okay. Your club, 12:30. See you then.

Where do you think you're going?

- I'm lunching with Clark Dunwoodie.
- Not in here, you're not.

Hey, come on. You're kidding.

You know me. Jeff Gerber.
Mr. Dunwoodie's expecting me.

Come on, fella. I got my orders.
Now, this club has got rules.

Fun is fun, but don't make me angry.
You better let me pass.

- What's your name, sir?
- Uh, Jeff Gerber.

Uh, I'm having lunch with, uh,
Clark Dunwoodie.

Oh, yes. Mr. Gerber.

Mr. Dunwoodie wanted me
to give you his apologies.

He had to go back to the office.
Some kind of an emergency board meeting.

He's going to call you later
this afternoon and explain it.

Don't pull that crap on me!

Well, I'm very sorry
for the inconvenience.

- Now, move along, please.
- There must be some mistake.

- Move along.
- Hey, hey.

I ask you, is this America?
Is this America?

Yeah, man.

[man] ♪ Nah, this ain't America
You can't fool me... ♪

- Why do you wanna go in there anyway?
- I belong in there!

♪ If you don't fit the right image ♪

♪ They just pull out their DDT ♪

♪ If they just don't like
The way you look ♪

[tires screech]

♪ They just law and order and tricks ♪

- ♪ Just trickin' me ♪
- [siren wails]

Come in.

- Excuse me. Mr. Townsend?
- Yes.

This man says he works for you.

Good grief!

Gerber, is that you?

Uh... yes, Officer, h-he works for me.

Very well. I'll leave him in your charge.

He stole something.
We don't know what it is yet.

- [Jeff] Brutality. Brutality.
- You can leave him with me, Officer.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Gerber, wh — what happened?

-If I didn't know you myself, I'd —
-I'm Black. I've become Black.

You ask anyone on the street, they'll say,

"That man, he's Black.
Mm-hmm. Sure, he's Black."

Get a hold of yourself.

[chuckles] Yassuh.
I'm gonna get a hold of myself.

Yassuh, boss. [Chuckles]

[chuckles]

You know, this could work
to both our advantages.

Boss have heap big sense of humor,

Stop that foolish vaudeville routine
and listen to me a minute.

Look, I don't care what color you are.

You're an intelligent, educated man,

and damn it, Gerber,
there is a whole market out there

that has never even been approached
by our company

because we have never had
a Negro salesman.

Why, you can make yourself a fortune.

That Negro insurance market
is virtually untapped.

Tell you what you do.
You run back to your office...

I can't run anywhere. They'll arrest me
before I get halfway down the hall.

Go back to your office and wait for me.
I'll bring you the statistics.

They're shocking.

I'll just shuffle along.

Uh, give me 15 minutes.

Oh, you don't have to hurry yourself
over little old, poor little me,

Mr. Townsend.

Make a list of all those articles
that have been stolen,

and any of you who have been raped,

please report to the dispensary.

Any of you who are interested
in tap dancing, gospel singing,

boxing lessons,
please come into my office.

Gladys? [Chuckles]

Dr. Wainwright, please.
Jeff Gerber. Thank you.

Dr. Wainwright,
I gotta see you right away.

Unclean! Unclean!

Beware the Black scourge!

Double trouble, boil in trouble!

Take your children! Gather them!
Take them to the high ground!

Doctor, uh, Mr. Gerber's here.

- But, uh...
- [Wainwright] Well, show him in.

No swelling.

If it were overexposure,
there'd be swelling.

Your lips, as I recall,
were always rather full.

High cheekbones. Wide face.

- You tryin' to tell me somethin'?
- Uh-huh.

I don't see how it could be the sunlamp.

Anything unusual in your diet?

Crow.

I've laid a lot of crow, Doc.

It could be some kind of an allergy.

But it's more apt to be something else.

Well, go ahead, tell me. I won't blab.

Well, it's more apt to be something
in your family lineage.

You mean like insanity?

It's quite possible
that somewhere in your lineage,

there is a Negro strain.

You're lookin' at a strained Negro
right now, Doc.

If that were the case,
it would be apparent from birth,

not in your middle years.

And it would seem logical
that your parents

would have said something to you about it.

They never called me a nigger.

No matter how angry they got,
they never called me a nigger.

Well, they might have revealed it
in other ways.

Ways more Freudian.

Um, what's your full name, Jeff?

- Jefferson W. Gerber.
- Mm-hmm.

What's the W for?

Washington.

Jefferson Washington Gerber?

Do you realize
that when the slaves were set free

and they were allowed to pick
any names they wanted,

many of them chose
the names of presidents?

Jefferson Washington Gerber!

Uh, what's your wife's name?

- Althea Jemima Gerber.
- Althea —.

You're kidding me.

- What are your children's names?
- Beulah and Rastus.

You're trying to prove that I'm a Negro,
and I'm trying to prove that I'm not!

I am only trying to compile some facts.

All right, facts. What about my skin, huh?

That's a fact, isn't it?

Look, something happened
to cause this phenomenon.

Somewhere there's a medical explanation
for this, and we'll find it.

When do you want to do that, Doc?

- Right now.
- 'Bout how long you think it'll take?

Maybe three hours. The rest is up
to the laboratory technicians.

Hello, Althea?

Guess who's coming to dinner.

[exhales]

The children are in bed. Even Burton.

I thought it best.

What's wrong?

Wrong? Wrong?

[chuckling nervously]
Wrong? Nothing's wrong.

- Well, how come you're on fire?
- [phone ringing]

Don't answer it.

I beg your pardon?

Don't answer it.

May I ask why?

It's a wrong number.

Oh, then by all means,
let's not answer it. [Chuckles]

But I feel I should ask you this, Althea.
How do you know it's a wrong number?

It has a different sound.

Wrong numbers sound more neurotic
because the circuits are confused.

- I see.
- And it just upsets it if you answer it.

Uh-huh. Strange, but it sounds
like a right number to me.

- No, you're wrong.
- You're nuts.

Hello?

- [man] Jeff Gerber?
- Yes?

Move out, nigger.

It was a wrong number.

They've been calling all day.

What "they"? It was one voice.

Don't make it sound like
the entire West Point glee club.

- Well, who do you think it is?
- It's Avon calling, and the bell's stuck.

Jeff, I have to tell you, I'm frightened!

You don't have to tell me.
It's fairly noticeable.

Well, how did it go today?

Oh, it was the usual day.

I was thrown out
of one of the better clubs.

I was picked up twice for purse-snatching.

What?

Nothing.

Well, did they notice
anything different at the office?

There were a few remarks.

- What about Townsend?
- Oh, he seemed quite pleased.

It seems I'm one
of his hottest Negro salesmen.

You hungry?

Yeah, I guess so.

What?

Are you crazy?

Is that supposed to be funny?

I didn't realize until after —.

Well, listen, Jemima, you're in this too!

Jemima?

Your middle name, baby.

- My middle name is Janine.
- Oh?

So don't you "Jemima" me, Jeff Gerber.

If you've been keeping some racial secret
about yourself from me,

well, just don't you "Jemima" me!

Oh, I get it!
You're getting a little worried.

You're just not certain about things
anymore, are you?

Well, there are children to consider.

[phone ringing]

What do you think? Right number or wrong?

I don't care anymore.
It's been ringing all day.

Every bigot in this town
is honing in on us.

Hello?

Jeff? It's Dr. Wainwright.

- Yes. What is it?
- It's not hay fever.

- Oh, good.
- Thought I'd let you know.

Yes. Thank you. Let me know
as soon as you find out about ragweed.

I call you immediately.

Dr. Wainwright.

You'll be happy to know
I'm not suffering from hay fever.

I'm a nervous wreck. I'm going to bed.

Oh, I thought we'd stay up a while
and do a little humming.

I'm going to sleep.
You can turn off the phone if you like.

Can't. Might be my ragweed calling in.

Suit yourself.

Don't be frightened.
It's just me, Black Bart.

- Have something to eat?
- Just chicken.

Watermelon doesn't taste good to me
unless it's freshly stolen.

Mind if I get in bed?

[man on TV] This is Tom Harkness
in the downtown business area

where police are just now
bringing under control a riot.

- Althea?
- It began about noon today.

Within minutes, the area was overrun
with pickets, militants

and housewives for lower food prices

when an unidentified drunken Negro
was denied admission

to the Hagstrom Yacht Club.

Though the actual identity of the man
is not known for certain...

- If only they wouldn't be so pushy.
- [TV switches off]

[phone rings]

- Hello?
- [man] Jeff Gerber?

- Yes.
- Move out, nigger.

- Was it Dr. Wainwright?
- I certainly hope not.

Look, Althea.

It's Wednesday night.
Why don't we have a little drink?

Wednesday? No, it's Thursday.

Let's pretend it's Wednesday.

I'm in need of some human affection.

I understand. But not tonight, okay?

I hate to tell you this, but I'm beginning
to feel just a little bit unloved.

I mean, it may be old-fashioned,
but where I come from,

a guy's wife sticks real close to him
in time of stress.

Well, uh, not tonight.

Something I said?

We could change sides if you'd like.

That's damn white of you.

[phone rings]

Hello?

[Wainwright]
Jeff, it's not ragweed, asthma,

or anything to do with the kidneys.

- Good. Keep me posted.
- I'm staying with it all night.

Thanks, Doc. Appreciate it.

[phone rings]

- Hello?
- [man] Jeff Gerber?

He's out baling cotton.
Can I take a message?

Move out, nigger.

Jeff, don't anger them.
Just don't anger them.

Don't anger them?
You mean, they're not angry already?

What must I do to get 'em angry?
Try and get into one of their yacht clubs?

Good morning, Mr. Gerber.

Morning, Erica.

When do I get to see your switchblade?

For God's sake, call me.

Uh, m-morning, Gladys.

Mr. Townsend's waiting to see you.
He's fit to be tied.

And Dr. Wainwright called twice and
wants you to call as soon as you come in.

Thank you, Gladys.

[Wainwright] Jeff, it's no longer a joke.

It has nothing to do with allergies,
blood counts or electrocardiograms.

And it has nothing to do with soy sauce.

We've run 18 different tests
on soy sauce, and the opinion is that

soy sauce is more apt
to make you Oriental than Negro.

C'est la Guerre.

[Jeff] That's logical.

I spent the entire night in the trenches
with Doctors Carson, Harcourt,

Whittemore, O'Neil and Hamilton,

and they're firmly of the opinion that...

Jeff, I'm not one of those doctors

who believes in keeping the truth
from a patient.

Did you know that the first man
to die in an American war

was a Black man, Crispus "Atticus"?

What I'm getting at is,

Jeff, you're a Negro.

When do you want to see me again?

I don't think it's necessary.

Closing the book on me, huh?

Now, with your approval,

I'd like to turn your case over
to an outstanding young doctor

who is a member of... your own race.

Dr. John L. Catlin.
You may have heard of him.

What's the I for? Lincoln?

You do understand, don't you, Jeff?

Of course.

Good.

Well, perhaps we'll bump into
each other again someday.

Maybe at the Newport regatta.

Mr. Townsend is waiting.

You disappeared on me yesterday, Gerber.

[Jeff] I'm sorry.
I thought it was important. It wasn't.

Look, I want a Negro representative,

but I will not tolerate
any lack of diligence.

- I understand.
- Good.

Now, I want you to turn over
all your files to Brandon.

He'll service them.
You can still get the commissions.

This is the area I want you to work in.
Sooner you get started, the better.

Any questions, come directly to me.

Oh, uh, by the way, Gerber,

I notified the NAACP and CORE
that we have a Negro on our staff.

They're both quite pleased.
Don't let 'em down.

These policies aren't quite correct
for a man in your bracket.

I'd recommend that you set aside
a bit more

for your future children's education.

I'm very happy to say
that for the first time today,

I'm gonna recommend that somebody
buy an insurance policy from me.

I'd strongly suggest that you, uh, invest
some of your widow's pension

in income-earning stocks and bonds.

And I'd be glad to recommend a man.
He's white.

Many people are.

Well, Gerber, it looks to me as though

you've been giving out quite a bit
of free advice these past few days.

[Jeff] That's part of the job, isn't it?

Maybe, but on your first day,
you made nine calls and sold one policy.

Three policies you did nothing about,
and five policies you rearranged so that...

so that our company loses $363
in annual premiums.

But eventually, all of those people
will become good customers

-only because I took the time —
-Oh, nonsense.

Gerber, those people don't know
the first thing about insurance.

You would be doing the community
a public service

to sell them all the insurance you could

so that they would never become
a drain on our society.

Every one of those homes I visited
in the last few days was occupied

by personable, responsible —.

Horse crap!

Look...

[piano playing intro]

[drums, bass join in,
piano continues playing]

- [man] ♪ Excuse me, buddy, but ♪
- [no audible dialogue]

♪ Excuse me, lady, but ♪

♪ You foolin', ain't ya? ♪

♪ Where can I be? ♪

♪ This ain't America, is it? ♪

♪ O Lord, where can I be? ♪

♪ This ain't America, is it? ♪

♪ No, this ain't America ♪

♪ You can't fool me ♪

[song stops]

[man] You're wrong to go on
trying to fool yourself.

♪ This here is the home of the sheriff ♪

♪ Not the land of the free ♪

♪ In America
Folks don't run through the streets ♪

♪ Blood streaming
From where they been beat ♪

♪ And the parks is for the people... ♪

Quite a background.

Dean's list three times, college graduate,
excellent service record.

Seventeen years
in the insurance profession.

♪ And the cops in the good old USA ♪

♪ Don't think
They some kind of gods either ♪

♪ Nah, this ain't America ♪

♪ You can't fool me... ♪

[engine rumbling]

[no audible dialogue]

I'm not kidding, man.

Take Jamie over there. He's got 13 years.

And a hell of a good bowler too.

Course, they always make him bowl
on the far lane.

Kinda downwind, so to speak. [Chuckling]

I'm not kidding.

- [man] Love!
- [female backup singers] ♪ Love ♪

- ♪ That's America ♪
- Open arms for every creature!

- Love!
- ♪ Love ♪

Open arms for every man!

[backup singers] ♪ that's America ♪

- Love!
- ♪ Love ♪

- ♪ That's America ♪
- Joy and peace and harmony!

- Love!
- ♪ Love ♪

- ♪ That's America ♪
- Children with laughing eyes!

- Love!
- ♪ Love ♪

- ♪ That's America ♪
- Yes, love! That's America!

- Love!
- ♪ Love ♪

- ♪ That's America ♪
- The old eagle soarin'!

- Love!
- ♪ Love ♪

- ♪ That's America ♪
- The old eagle wearin' a grin!

- Love!
- ♪ Love ♪

- ♪ That's America ♪
- The old eagle soarin'!

[song ends]

Jeff, you know our neighbors.

Well, the vigilantes.

[Althea] I've got the coffee on.

[Jeff] Well, then,
what can I do for you gentlemen?

Jeff, we may as well get
right to the point.

Everybody else does.

We feel your presence in the neighborhood

can undermine the value of our homes,
and we're concerned.

[Jeff] Yes, I've gotten
a couple of your phone calls.

- Oh, that wasn't us, Jeff.
- Shut up, Fred.

As nicely as we can put it, Jeff,
we'd like you to move out

before it becomes common knowledge
that there's a Negro family in the area.

- Is that as nicely as you can put it?
- We're concerned.

Oh, perfectly understandable.

Especially since I've taken
spot announcements on radio.

And wait until you see the skywriting.

We're prepared to offer a very fair deal.

Walter has the figures. Walter?

Your house is worth about $40,000
on the open market.

- 37,000.
- Well, give or take —.

Twelve dollars as soon as
the word gets out that I'm a nigger.

We represent a group of people, Jeff,

and we have the backing
of three local banks.

So we're prepared to offer you $50,000.

Oh, I do declare,
that sho am a great pile of money!

We'll sell your house to a good family
and absorb the loss among ourselves.

[chuckles]

Oh, my goodness! 50,000 simoleons!

Heavens to Uncle Remus!

But I can't accept it.

We're prepared to pay it right now.
Tonight.

Oh, I know you're prepared to pay it.

But I'm not prepared to accept it.

I mean, uh, me and my family,

we've looked forward to living here
all our lives.

We like it here.

All those friendly phone calls.

And at any time, a nice rock
can come crashing through the window

to remind us
that people are still thinking of us.

60,000. That's as high as we can go.

Oh, come on. Try harder. Seventy-five.

-All right, 75, but that's as —
-You see that?

You went higher. Now try 80.

Seventy-five.

Oh, come on.

I'll make more than that from
my watermelon patch in just one year.

Not to mention the admissions
from the revival meetin'.

- Eighty.
- [chuckling]

Now try 90.

Unless of course you don't mind
the smell of fried chicken

and ham bones just wafting
through your lovely neighborhood.

Ninety.

Oh, that sho am a lot of money!

But I like something with, uh,
more, uh, naughts to it.

Somethin' a bit rounder.
Somethin' with more naughts.

You know, zeros.

[man] 100,000.

And that's as high
as we're authorized to go.

You turn it down, we're not responsible.

Oh, I'll take it, I'll take it.
Where do I sign?

You'll find everything in order.

As you know,
Walter's an officer with the bank.

It's all pretty standard,
if you care to read it over.

I think this is the best thing
for everybody all around.

Oh, I think so too.

I was gonna sell this house. I think
the neighborhood's a bit too Jewish.

[pen scratching on paper]

Well, good night, Jeff.

Good luck.

- It's nothing personal.
- Oh, it never is.

If it was personal, well,
I'd feel real bad.

Good night, Jeff. You have two weeks.

Look, if you have any trouble
and need to store your stuff,

please call my secretary.

She'll give you the necessary assistance.

Good night, Jeff.
You've gotten a very good deal.

Perhaps — Perhaps it'll make us seem
less villainous in your eyes.

Good night, Jeff.

Villainous? Don't be silly.

I know who my friends are.

And the next nice neighborhood
I move into,

you guys'll get first crack at me.

[door shuts]

[laughing]

A hundred thousand dollars! [Laughing]

Now all I gotta do is turn white.

Boy, would their faces be red.

[laughing]

You took advantage of them
because you're colored.

- How's that?
- Those people were our friends!

What should have I done?
Given them a discount?

Pushing your way! Just pushing,
pushing, pushing! Is that the answer?

They wanted us out of the neighborhood!

Where do you get that "us" stuff?
You, not us!

Would you repeat that again?
I don't think I heard that right.

It's very confusing.

Forgive me. There's been a great deal
of pressure on me lately.

I mean, just answering the phone...

Well, I haven't been exactly winning
any popularity contests myself!

Well, it's different with you.
You weren't liked before this happened.

I was liked!
Everybody liked me! Everybody!

I hate to tell you this,
but you're supposed to be on my side!

The marriage contract said,
"Till death do us part."

It said that in black and white,
I believe.

When we got married, I had no idea
it was going to be an interracial thing.

- You never told me.
- Well, I just got wind of it myself.

If I had known what was gonna happen,

I would have put an escape clause
in your marriage contract —.

"If my husband becomes a Negro,
all bets are off."

How dare you be sarcastic with me.
I'm the one who was compromised.

Oh, I'm not angry. How could I be angry?
I have a $100,000 suntan!

Why do you insist on being Negro?

I don't insist! I accept it!

What would you have me do,
dye my hair and insist I'm white?

You know what I'd look like
with blonde hair, Althea?

Like a grilled-cheese sandwich.

Negro humor always escaped me.

Well, we're learning a lot
about each other, aren't we?

Yes, we are.

What happened to
the flaming liberal I was married to?

I'm still liberal. But to a point.

[sighs]

I'm sorry, baby.

[sighs] I didn't realize
you were under as much pressure as me.

Let's forget it tonight.

Because tonight it's Wednesday.

It's Wednesday, and I love you.

- No, it's Tuesday.
- It's Wednesday.

I'm sorry, Jeff.

I have to get my bearings.

It won't be Wednesday until...

Until I get my bearings.

I-I'm going to go to sleep. Okay?

Okay.

Jeff, I sent the kids to my sister's.

Your sister lives in Indianapolis.

They'll be there by morning.
Margaret said she'd meet the train.

I'm sorry, but I wanted them
away from all this,

if and when the newspapers find out.

[women] ♪ Where are the children? ♪

♪ Where are the children? ♪

[moaning]

You were not disappointment.

You were wonderful.

[chuckles] Thank you very much.

[coughing]

In Norway, we have very few Negroes.

Oh, well, uh, I'll tell my buddies.

Uh, then you'll have a lot of them
in no time at all.

[chuckles]

Negroes have beautiful bodies.

Yeah, well, uh, I've been workin' out.

And when all those Black muscles

all work together to make love,

it is so very marvelous.

Yeah, well, they all work together.
You know, we're noted for that.

The thigh bone connected to the hip bone,
you know.

They're all hooked up just right.

And the way a Negro makes love...

I can never make love
to a white man again.

Well, I guess there'll be a few girls
to take up the slack.

We must make love every night

and during lunch hours.

Every spare moment.

I think we should take time off to vote.

Where are you going? Is there voting now?

No. I'm, uh — I'm leaving.

All right.

Will I see you tomorrow?

Oh, yeah. Probably at the office.

Probably I'll give you a pinch in the ass.
You know, give you a little thrill.

- I have disappointed you?
- No.

Not quite the way you think.

But, yes, you have disappointed me.

There's something I didn't do?

Uh, no.

Offhand, there's nothing I can think of
that, uh, we forgot.

Then why are you leaving?

Well, I can't expect you
to understand, Erica.

Explain. I will try.

I will try anything to please you.

Okay.

Well, try and understand that, uh,

beauty is only skin deep.

I want you to love me
because of what I am,

not because I'm a Negro.

You're a very nice man.

Very courteous.

You say "please" and "thank you."

So I like you.

Then why are you leaving? Did I hurt you?

Oh, my God, if I hurt you —.

You're such a great bang.

But you're a bigot, Erica.

A big, blonde bigot.

So thank you...

but no, thank you.

- You Black bastard!
- You're really getting to it.

My goodness. In no time at all,
you'll qualify for American citizenship.

Get out of here, you — you nigger!

[exclaims] By Jove, she's got it.
I really think she's got it.

[laughing] Hey.

Don't worry about running out
of new words to call me, Erica,

'cause in a few years,
you'll know 'em all.

Get out, nigger!

I'm going. Bye, Erica.

[men grunting]

[Erica] Rape!

Bye, Erica.

Rape!

Rape!

[Althea's voice] Jeff...

[women] ♪ Where are the children? ♪

Jeff, I'm sorry.

I'm ashamed of myself, and I'm sorry.

But I can't help it.
I'm going to Indianapolis.

Please try to understand. Althea.

[Gladys] Good morning, Mr. Gerber.

Goodness, you've been getting phone calls
this morning requesting appointments.

They started coming in at 8:30.

And, oh, let's see. Dr. Catlin called.

And, uh, well,
Mr. Townsend would like to see you.

Thank you, Gladys.

- That's a nice tie, Mr. Gerber.
- Thank you.

Mr. Townsend.

Yes, Gerber, I sent for you.
Sit down and shut up.

Screw you. I'm opening up my own office.

What?

I said, "Screw you.
I'm opening up my own office."

Serves you right.
You'll be broke in a week.

I don't think so. Neighbors chipped in,
and I won't have to worry for a while.

- Townsend.
- Yes?

About your breath... [shorts]

[door closes]

[man] ♪ Girl, we gotta make
Some kind of deal ♪

♪ Everything you got gives me a thrill ♪

♪ Don't say no, or I'm gonna die ♪

♪ Don't you know
You're skinning me alive? ♪

♪ Lord knows I gotta get through to you ♪

[women] ♪ Gotta get to you ♪

[man] ♪ 'Cause there's something
That I gotta do ♪

[women] ♪ Gotta do, yes, gotta do ♪

[man] ♪ Don't throw my love
In a Briar patch ♪

♪ You got the key
And you got the latch ♪

[women] ♪ You go! The key ♪

♪ I'm soul'd on you ♪

♪ Soul'd on you ♪

♪ I'm soul'd on you ♪

[man] ♪ Oh, they called me
Mr. Cool before ♪

♪ But you got me poundin'
On your front door ♪

♪ Yes, child, I used to be Mr. Cool ♪

♪ But, girl, I'm ready to be your fool ♪

♪ It's just realizin' it makes me bold ♪

♪ Your lovin' makes me bold ♪

♪ You do somethin' to my soul ♪

[women] ♪ To my soul
Yeah, to my soul ♪

[man] ♪ Don't throw my love
In the Briar patch ♪

♪ You got the key
And you got the latch ♪

♪ I'm soul'd on you, soul sister ♪

♪ I'm soul'd on you ♪

♪ My crazy love ♪

♪ I'm soul'd on you ♪

[women] ♪ I'm soul'd on you ♪

♪ Lord, you got me down on bended knee ♪

♪ Let me hip you to the birds and bees ♪

♪ Come on, girl
Let's make it down the trail ♪

♪ Lord knows I sure wish you well ♪

- ♪ You know I can't live without you ♪
- ♪ I can't live without you ♪

♪ Let me do that thing I just gotta do ♪

[women] ♪ Gotta do, just gotta do ♪

[man] ♪ Don't throw my love
In the Briar patch ♪

♪ You got the key
And you got the latch ♪

- ♪ You got the key ♪
- ♪ I'm soul'd on you, soul sister ♪

- ♪ Soul'd on you ♪
- ♪ I'm soul'd on you, my sister ♪

[women] ♪ Soul'd on you ♪

♪ I'm soul'd on you ♪

♪ Soul'd on you ♪

♪ Soul'd ♪

♪ Soul'd on you ♪

♪ Soul'd ♪

- [man] ♪ Soul'd on you, soul sister ♪
- ♪ Soul'd on you ♪

- ♪ Soul'd ♪
- ♪ Soul'd o you, Black beauty ♪

- [phone ringing]
- ♪ Soul'd ♪

♪ Soul'd on you, brown sugar ♪

- ♪ Soul'd on you ♪
- ♪ Soul'd ♪

♪ Soul'd on you ♪

- [ringing continues]
- [song fades]

Hello.

- [Althea] Jeff?
- Yes? '

It's Althea.

Althea? Althea, my wife?

I've been calling everywhere.
The phone's been turned off.

When I moved out of our house,
I had the phone disconnected.

Where are you?

I finally got you through Information.
I'm in Indianapolis.

- What's wrong? The kids all right?
- The kids are fine.

Thanks for sending so much money.
It was very generous.

Well, they're still my kids, aren't they?

Yes, and I'm never going to let them
forget their father.

Thank you. It's so nice to be
so well remembered before I die.

Jeff, hearing your voice —
I mean, on the phone...

It's like it never happened.

Not on this end, baby.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know
that I was thinking of you,

and I hope you're taking care of yourself.

Well, I'm fine.

- Still getting your exercise?
- Yes.

Althea, you don't have to worry about me.

- I'm working out in the evenings now.
- Promise me that you are.

Oh, I are. I are.

You are?

I are.

Hah!

[all] Hah!

Hah!

Hah!

Hah!

- Hee...
- [all] Hah!

- Hee..
- —Hah'

-Hee..
—Hah'

-Hee..
—Hah'

-Hee..
—Hah'

[man] ♪ Nah, this ain't America ♪

♪ You can't fool me ♪

[women] ♪ You can't fool me
You can't fool me ♪

- [man] ♪ Excuse me, but seriously ♪
- ♪ You can't fool me ♪

♪ Which way is the good old USA? ♪

♪ You can't fool me ♪

♪ This ain't nothing
Like the place I wanna be ♪

♪ Not as far as I can see ♪

[women] ♪ You can't fool me ♪

- [man] ♪ I don't care what you say ♪
- ♪ You can't fool me ♪

- ♪ Hey, why you pointin' that this way? ♪
- ♪ You can't fool me ♪

♪ This sure ain't America, is it?
Nah, this ain't America ♪

- ♪ You can't fool me ♪
- ♪ You can't fool me ♪

[women] ♪ You can't fool me
You can't fool me ♪

♪ Nah, this ain't America ♪

- ♪ You can't fool me ♪
- ♪ You can't fool me ♪

[woman] ♪ Ooo-Oooh ♪