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1
00:00:02,710 --> 00:00:05,040
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
2
00:00:10,210 --> 00:00:15,050
Okay, all basted and ready
for the home stretch.
3
00:00:24,980 --> 00:00:26,190
Why didn't you
just open the oven
4
00:00:26,230 --> 00:00:29,360
before you picked up
the turkey?
5
00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:30,780
Okay, you know what?
Now that you're here,
6
00:00:30,820 --> 00:00:32,490
why don'tyouopen
the oven before I dump
7
00:00:32,530 --> 00:00:35,950
hot turkey juice
all over your privates?!
8
00:00:35,990 --> 00:00:37,990
I do believe some one's
flirtin' with me.
9
00:00:38,030 --> 00:00:40,160
Okay. Thank you.
10
00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:43,500
All right.
Well, that's it.
11
00:00:43,540 --> 00:00:45,120
Now, if you'll
excuse me, those yams
12
00:00:45,170 --> 00:00:47,580
are not gonna
candy themselves.
13
00:00:47,630 --> 00:00:49,040
Wow, this is amazing.
14
00:00:49,090 --> 00:00:50,300
You're cookin' a meal,
15
00:00:50,340 --> 00:00:52,170
and there's no
smoke alarms goin' off,
16
00:00:52,210 --> 00:00:54,920
no dogs howlin'
in the alley.
17
00:00:54,970 --> 00:00:58,390
I know! I'm just
as surprised as you are!
18
00:00:58,430 --> 00:01:00,220
Can you believe that
I'm actually gonna pull off
19
00:01:00,260 --> 00:01:02,640
A home-cooked Thanksgiving
dinner for 10 people?
20
00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:07,520
I mean, that beats
my previous record by 10.
21
00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:08,560
[TIMER RINGS]
22
00:01:08,610 --> 00:01:09,860
Oh, gravy's done.
23
00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:11,730
-Oh, sweet!
-No, no. Off, off, off!
24
00:01:11,780 --> 00:01:14,940
Sorry. I heard a bell.
I'm like a fighter that way.
25
00:01:14,990 --> 00:01:16,280
So whatcanI have?
26
00:01:16,320 --> 00:01:18,160
You can eat anything
over here, all right?
27
00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:20,240
Just get something
out of the refrigerator.
28
00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:21,870
So any word
from your dad upstate?
29
00:01:21,910 --> 00:01:23,450
Yes, um, apparently
30
00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:25,040
he had a fight
with his cousin-in-law,
31
00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:26,580
and they have to eat
Thanksgiving dinner
32
00:01:26,620 --> 00:01:28,420
in shifts.
33
00:01:28,460 --> 00:01:30,090
It's gonna be weird
having our Thanksgiving
34
00:01:30,130 --> 00:01:31,250
without him, right?
35
00:01:31,290 --> 00:01:32,750
Yeah, I'm really
gonna miss the sight
36
00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:37,050
of a 10-course meal gettin'
caught in the man's moustache.
37
00:01:37,090 --> 00:01:38,970
Ah, leftover pizza,
38
00:01:39,010 --> 00:01:41,810
just under
the 5-day limit.
39
00:01:43,350 --> 00:01:45,060
Wait, whoa. What
are you doing? No.
40
00:01:45,100 --> 00:01:46,230
Gonna reheat the pizza.
41
00:01:46,270 --> 00:01:48,100
No. The broccoli
is cooking in there.
42
00:01:48,140 --> 00:01:50,230
So? Can't I grab a ride
for 30 seconds?
43
00:01:50,270 --> 00:01:53,230
No! Then the broccoli's
gonna taste like pepperoni!
44
00:01:53,270 --> 00:01:55,570
And a parade will
be thrown in your honor.
45
00:01:55,610 --> 00:01:59,240
Okay, here's what I need
you to do:
46
00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:00,780
first, leave.
47
00:02:00,820 --> 00:02:01,990
Second,
set the table.
48
00:02:02,030 --> 00:02:03,740
You think
you can manage that?
49
00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:05,580
-What's this?
-The silver place settings
50
00:02:05,620 --> 00:02:07,620
your parents gave us
for our wedding.
51
00:02:07,660 --> 00:02:09,960
Why is it in this?
Am I taking them on vacation?
52
00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:11,130
Okay.
You're killing me here.
53
00:02:11,170 --> 00:02:12,460
Please, just go.
54
00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:15,170
I'm gonna go get some
sodas out of the garage.
55
00:02:23,220 --> 00:02:24,930
Oh, wow.
56
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:29,520
I'm eatin'
with this one.
57
00:02:31,190 --> 00:02:34,190
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
58
00:02:37,860 --> 00:02:39,150
Oh, hello.
59
00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:41,870
Finally, somebody home.
Hey, sorry to bother you.
60
00:02:41,910 --> 00:02:43,910
Any way I could
use your phone?
61
00:02:43,950 --> 00:02:45,490
Uh, what's up?
62
00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:47,160
My car died a couple
of blocks from here.
63
00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:48,540
Engine seized up.
64
00:02:48,580 --> 00:02:50,330
That's rough. I mean,
I'm not much of a car guy,
65
00:02:50,370 --> 00:02:53,880
But I know when I seize up,
I not feel so good.
66
00:02:55,550 --> 00:02:57,130
-Sure, come on in.
-Thanks, man.
67
00:02:57,170 --> 00:02:58,550
It's gettin'
cold out there.
68
00:02:58,590 --> 00:03:00,220
I picked the wrong day
to lose my chapstick.
69
00:03:00,260 --> 00:03:02,680
Oh, been there.
That's why I keep mine
70
00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:04,180
in the little pocket
above the big pocket.
71
00:03:04,220 --> 00:03:05,310
That's for chapstick.
72
00:03:05,350 --> 00:03:07,350
A lot of people
don't know that.
73
00:03:07,390 --> 00:03:08,600
Phone's right there.
74
00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:10,310
Thanks.
75
00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:17,980
Whoa! Hello.
76
00:03:18,030 --> 00:03:19,400
And you are?
77
00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:21,820
That guy said
I could use the phone.
78
00:03:21,860 --> 00:03:23,780
Oh, okay.
79
00:03:27,830 --> 00:03:30,290
Doug? What is a man
with an eye patch
80
00:03:30,330 --> 00:03:31,460
doing in our kitchen?
81
00:03:31,500 --> 00:03:33,170
His car broke down.
82
00:03:33,210 --> 00:03:34,540
And you just
let him in here?
83
00:03:34,580 --> 00:03:36,540
Yeah, he was stranded.
What do you expect me to do?
84
00:03:36,590 --> 00:03:38,130
Have you ever
met this man before?
85
00:03:38,170 --> 00:03:40,300
-No.
-And have you seen this "car"
86
00:03:40,340 --> 00:03:41,630
that supposedly broke down?
87
00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:42,680
No.
88
00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:44,140
Can you offer me
any assurance
89
00:03:44,180 --> 00:03:46,930
that we're
not about to die?
90
00:03:46,970 --> 00:03:48,390
Will you relax?
It's fine.
91
00:03:48,430 --> 00:03:51,310
I let people in here
all the time.
92
00:03:51,350 --> 00:03:53,850
Oh! Okay,
that's a relief.
93
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:55,520
Excuse me, what's
your address here?
94
00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:57,820
Oh, it's 3121 Aberdeen.
95
00:03:57,860 --> 00:03:59,150
Thanks.
96
00:03:59,190 --> 00:04:01,530
Ow!
97
00:04:01,570 --> 00:04:04,820
You don't just give
a stranger our address.
98
00:04:04,860 --> 00:04:07,240
It's on the door!
99
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:10,330
It's not like I gave him
my pin number.
100
00:04:10,370 --> 00:04:12,750
Actually, I do use that
as my pin number.
101
00:04:12,790 --> 00:04:16,460
You know what?
Just get rid of him, okay?
102
00:04:20,630 --> 00:04:22,380
Okay, my buddy's
coming to pick me up.
103
00:04:22,420 --> 00:04:23,970
Uh, there's a diner
on the corner.
104
00:04:24,010 --> 00:04:25,930
Why don't you wait
for your buddy over there, okay?
105
00:04:25,970 --> 00:04:27,140
It's closed.
106
00:04:27,180 --> 00:04:28,600
Everything around here's
closed.
107
00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:31,310
-You mind if I wait here?
-Sure.
108
00:04:32,430 --> 00:04:35,810
I mean, outside,
if you don't mind.
109
00:04:35,850 --> 00:04:37,020
Okay.
110
00:04:37,060 --> 00:04:38,270
Inside would be fine
normally,
111
00:04:38,310 --> 00:04:39,650
but we're gettin' ready
for company,
112
00:04:39,690 --> 00:04:41,150
and we're gonna be
vacuuming.
113
00:04:41,190 --> 00:04:42,610
It's gonna be
real noisy in here.
114
00:04:42,650 --> 00:04:44,400
I think you'll like it
better out here.
115
00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:45,780
So just make yourself
comfortable,
116
00:04:45,820 --> 00:04:47,870
although I'd avoid
that chair unless
117
00:04:47,910 --> 00:04:50,660
you like getting poked
by something cold and rusty.
118
00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:53,370
Right.
119
00:04:53,410 --> 00:04:55,120
So how long
till your buddy gets here?
120
00:04:55,170 --> 00:04:56,620
Uh, well, he's coming
from Baltimore,
121
00:04:56,670 --> 00:04:59,380
so I guess
about 4 hours.
122
00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:04,670
Okay, then.
123
00:05:09,550 --> 00:05:13,390
Okay, here she is!
Happy Thanksgiving!
124
00:05:18,060 --> 00:05:19,310
CARRIE: Yoo-hoo!
125
00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:20,400
Hello! Hi!
126
00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:23,360
[EVERYONE COMPLIMENTING TURKEY]
127
00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:26,320
Right.
Well, I got mine.
128
00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:29,530
What are the rest
of you havin'?
129
00:05:29,570 --> 00:05:31,080
All right, let me carve
this bad boy up.
130
00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:32,200
Okay, in the meantime,
131
00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:33,330
everybody
serve yourselves.
132
00:05:33,370 --> 00:05:35,080
I got
some stuffing...
133
00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:36,460
All right.
134
00:05:36,500 --> 00:05:38,170
And some
sweet potatoes.
135
00:05:38,210 --> 00:05:39,250
-You got that?
-I'll get that.
136
00:05:39,290 --> 00:05:41,840
And some fresh
green beans.
137
00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:44,670
Son of an ass!
138
00:05:44,710 --> 00:05:46,510
Obviously
not a bean guy.
139
00:05:46,550 --> 00:05:48,760
No, he's watching the football
game on his little TV.
140
00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:52,060
The man has
a serious gambling problem.
141
00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:55,770
Well, as long as he's
having a good time.
142
00:05:55,810 --> 00:05:57,640
Okay, everybody,
in the meantime,
143
00:05:57,690 --> 00:05:59,650
here you go. Come on.
Scoop and pass.
144
00:05:59,690 --> 00:06:01,150
-Scoop and pass! Let's go.
-All right
145
00:06:01,190 --> 00:06:02,980
Move it along.
146
00:06:03,020 --> 00:06:06,150
[WIND HOWLING]
147
00:06:09,660 --> 00:06:11,870
Wow,
he looks cold.
148
00:06:11,910 --> 00:06:14,290
They say it's gonna
get below 30 tonight,
149
00:06:14,330 --> 00:06:15,660
not counting wind chill.
150
00:06:15,700 --> 00:06:18,960
Is that man
going to freeze, Daddy?
151
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:20,750
I don't know, son.
152
00:06:23,090 --> 00:06:25,340
No! Don't worry.
153
00:06:25,380 --> 00:06:26,880
I noticed
when he came inside,
154
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,050
he had a whole thermal thing
underneath his clothes.
155
00:06:29,090 --> 00:06:32,100
He's actually warmer out there
than we are in here.
156
00:06:32,140 --> 00:06:33,390
[CHUCKLING]
157
00:06:33,430 --> 00:06:34,430
Carve.
158
00:06:34,470 --> 00:06:36,390
Okay, so enough about him.
159
00:06:36,430 --> 00:06:38,480
Let's enjoy each other's
company, shall we?
160
00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:40,600
Yeah. Hey, let's
change the subject.
161
00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:44,440
Um, anyone seen the new
Wim Wenders film?
162
00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:49,400
Well, it's better than
talking aboutthatguy.
163
00:06:49,450 --> 00:06:51,530
Man, he give me
the creeps.
164
00:06:51,570 --> 00:06:54,030
Really? I kind of think
he's cute.
165
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,490
What?!
166
00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:57,580
Yeah, when I came in,
I saw that he has a nice smile,
167
00:06:57,620 --> 00:07:01,620
and his eye
is so blue.
168
00:07:01,670 --> 00:07:04,290
Hey, anyone see
the Thanksgiving Parade
169
00:07:04,340 --> 00:07:05,840
this morning?
See that rockette?
170
00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:07,760
She took a nose-dive
right off the side
171
00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:09,260
of the float.
So funny.
172
00:07:09,300 --> 00:07:11,090
-HOLLY: I didn't see it.
-I couldn't stop laughing.
173
00:07:11,130 --> 00:07:13,550
HOLLY: I didn't see it.
Sounds funny though.
174
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:16,810
[WIND HOWLING]
175
00:07:23,940 --> 00:07:27,150
Hey, try the stuffing.
No raisins.
176
00:07:28,150 --> 00:07:29,280
-What?
-Fix this.
177
00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:30,610
Fix what?
178
00:07:30,650 --> 00:07:32,030
Okay, in case you
haven't noticed, idiot,
179
00:07:32,070 --> 00:07:33,910
everybody's obsessed
with your porch pal out there.
180
00:07:33,950 --> 00:07:35,950
Nobody's eating.
It's completely awkward.
181
00:07:35,990 --> 00:07:37,790
What do you want me to do?
The guy's waiting for his buddy
182
00:07:37,830 --> 00:07:39,870
to pick him up,
he's got nowhere else to go.
183
00:07:39,910 --> 00:07:42,790
The only other option
is to let him wait inside here.
184
00:07:42,830 --> 00:07:45,750
Inside? Are you really
that stupid?
185
00:07:45,790 --> 00:07:47,670
Stupid withkindness.
186
00:07:47,710 --> 00:07:50,220
Doug, please, just
close the curtains then.
187
00:07:50,260 --> 00:07:51,590
I'm not doing that.
It's rude.
188
00:07:51,630 --> 00:07:53,260
Rude?
Okay, I'm sorry.
189
00:07:53,300 --> 00:07:55,640
I guess I'm not up to speed
on the rules of etiquette
190
00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:59,390
involving one-eyed
porch psychos.
191
00:07:59,430 --> 00:08:01,480
Now, look,
I worked my ass off
192
00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:02,940
to make a nice
Thanksgiving meal,
193
00:08:02,980 --> 00:08:04,310
and I want people
to enjoy it,
194
00:08:04,350 --> 00:08:05,770
so you're gonna
march in there,
195
00:08:05,810 --> 00:08:07,110
you're gonna
close the curtains,
196
00:08:07,150 --> 00:08:08,690
and then you're gonna
make a funny joke
197
00:08:08,730 --> 00:08:10,320
to get everybody in
a good mood again, okay?
198
00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:11,400
Now go!
199
00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:12,700
Fine, but for the record,
200
00:08:12,740 --> 00:08:15,570
you're way scarier
than patchy.
201
00:08:17,370 --> 00:08:18,830
Hey, how's it goin'?
202
00:08:18,870 --> 00:08:20,200
It's just a little bright
in here.
203
00:08:20,250 --> 00:08:23,870
Gonna close the curtains.
204
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,500
Here we go.
205
00:08:25,540 --> 00:08:26,710
All right.
206
00:08:26,750 --> 00:08:28,670
Okay, that's good.
207
00:08:28,710 --> 00:08:32,630
Ahem,
here we are.
208
00:08:32,670 --> 00:08:35,590
Might as well
get this one, too. Sure.
209
00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:38,140
All right! Who wants
some turkey now?
210
00:08:38,180 --> 00:08:40,180
Show of drumsticks,
huh?
211
00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:42,930
[GOBBLING]
212
00:08:49,940 --> 00:08:51,610
SPENCE: Everything
is so delicious, Carrie.
213
00:08:51,650 --> 00:08:52,740
KELLY:
It's so good.
214
00:08:52,780 --> 00:08:53,950
Yeah, and free.
215
00:08:53,990 --> 00:08:55,200
[LAUGHTER]
216
00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:58,200
Yes, but tipping
is appreciated.
217
00:08:58,240 --> 00:08:59,990
Pass me the broccoli,
please.
218
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,950
[WIND HOWLING]
219
00:09:06,460 --> 00:09:10,380
What a wonderfully awkward
Thanksgiving you've created.
220
00:09:10,420 --> 00:09:13,010
Major, Major, get back
to the table.
221
00:09:13,050 --> 00:09:14,420
Please do something
about your son.
222
00:09:14,470 --> 00:09:15,970
He just wants to look
at the freak outside.
223
00:09:16,010 --> 00:09:18,640
We all do.
224
00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:19,930
Just get him back here.
225
00:09:19,970 --> 00:09:22,310
Major, you heard
your mother. Major.
226
00:09:22,350 --> 00:09:24,980
I just want to see
if the pirate is dead.
227
00:09:25,020 --> 00:09:28,480
DEAC: He's not a pirate
and he's not dead.
228
00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:30,610
Is he?
229
00:09:30,650 --> 00:09:32,730
Okay, who's ready for the
second round of stuffing?
230
00:09:32,780 --> 00:09:33,860
Lou?
231
00:09:33,900 --> 00:09:35,360
Look, it's not my place
to say this,
232
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,570
but have you considered
letting that man
233
00:09:37,610 --> 00:09:39,160
wait inside the house?
234
00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:40,990
Inside the house.
235
00:09:41,030 --> 00:09:44,160
Huh. What a kind
and generous thought.
236
00:09:45,330 --> 00:09:47,460
We don't think
it's a good idea, Lou.
237
00:09:47,500 --> 00:09:48,630
-Why not?
-Well,
238
00:09:48,670 --> 00:09:50,250
because we've never met
this man before.
239
00:09:50,290 --> 00:09:52,960
For all we know,
he could be an ax murderer.
240
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,880
Who needs
another roll?
241
00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:56,010
SPENCE:
I will take one,
242
00:09:56,050 --> 00:09:57,130
and I'll tell you
something.
243
00:09:57,180 --> 00:09:58,680
I agree with you,
sister.
244
00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:01,010
You work in the subway,
you see a lot of sickos,
245
00:10:01,050 --> 00:10:05,020
and this guy has
my spidey-sense tingling.
246
00:10:06,020 --> 00:10:07,230
Really?
247
00:10:07,270 --> 00:10:09,060
He doesn't seem
like a sicko at all to me,
248
00:10:09,100 --> 00:10:11,150
and I've known
my share of sickos.
249
00:10:11,190 --> 00:10:13,780
I still keep in touch
with some of them.
250
00:10:13,820 --> 00:10:17,110
Well, Holly, you make
a persuasive case. You do.
251
00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:19,740
Um, but we're still
not gonna let him in.
252
00:10:19,780 --> 00:10:23,450
Oh! You fumblin' bitch!
253
00:10:23,490 --> 00:10:24,660
Sorry.
254
00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:27,040
Happy Thanksgiving.
255
00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:28,370
Listen, Car,
for what it's worth,
256
00:10:28,420 --> 00:10:29,920
I wouldn't let
a raggedy-looking stranger
257
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:31,210
in my house
on Thanksgiving.
258
00:10:31,250 --> 00:10:33,550
Thank you. See?
It's not just me.
259
00:10:33,590 --> 00:10:35,300
No. Lou and Holly,
they agree with me.
260
00:10:35,340 --> 00:10:36,510
Deac, what about you?
I mean,
261
00:10:36,550 --> 00:10:38,220
you'd be okay
letting this guy in, right?
262
00:10:38,260 --> 00:10:40,180
Well, if he was
a brother I would,
263
00:10:40,220 --> 00:10:42,220
but not this dude.
264
00:10:42,260 --> 00:10:44,010
Isn't that
just a form of racism?
265
00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:45,350
Look, I'm just looking
at the facts.
266
00:10:45,390 --> 00:10:46,680
Black dude
might steal your wallet,
267
00:10:46,730 --> 00:10:48,730
but the psychos
who chop up families?
268
00:10:48,770 --> 00:10:50,940
All white boys.
269
00:10:50,980 --> 00:10:53,360
Honkies! Yes!
270
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:54,900
All right,
the bottom line here is,
271
00:10:54,940 --> 00:10:56,780
I assume the best
about people,
272
00:10:56,820 --> 00:10:57,820
you assume the worst.
273
00:10:57,860 --> 00:11:01,070
You build walls,
I build bridges.
274
00:11:02,070 --> 00:11:04,370
You couldn't
build a TV stand.
275
00:11:04,410 --> 00:11:07,040
The instructions
were in Japanese.
276
00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:09,120
Face it, Doug, you're way off
on this one.
277
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:10,790
I mean, did you
get a look at this guy?
278
00:11:10,830 --> 00:11:12,210
I mean,
the way he's dressed
279
00:11:12,250 --> 00:11:13,380
and the eye patch?
280
00:11:13,420 --> 00:11:14,670
What the hell does
his eye patch
281
00:11:14,710 --> 00:11:16,000
have to do
with anything?
282
00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:18,210
Maybe a missile was headed
for an elementary school,
283
00:11:18,260 --> 00:11:20,180
and he threw his eye
in the way!
284
00:11:20,220 --> 00:11:23,850
It was like, zzz! "Aah!"
Man's a hero.
285
00:11:23,890 --> 00:11:24,890
SPENCE: I'm just saying,
286
00:11:24,930 --> 00:11:26,260
a normal guy
loses an eye,
287
00:11:26,310 --> 00:11:27,470
he doesn't go
with a patch.
288
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,350
I mean, uh,
a glass eye, maybe.
289
00:11:29,390 --> 00:11:31,600
Or a pair of
dark raybans.
290
00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:33,230
I mean, you don't
see Ray Charles,
291
00:11:33,270 --> 00:11:35,520
walking around wearing
an eye patch, do you?
292
00:11:35,570 --> 00:11:38,990
Actually, he would
need two eye patches.
293
00:11:39,030 --> 00:11:40,530
That's a bad look
right there.
294
00:11:40,570 --> 00:11:42,910
SPENCE: Okay, think about
who wears an eye patch?
295
00:11:42,950 --> 00:11:44,120
Captain Hook,
296
00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:46,030
the villain from
the James Bond movie--
297
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:47,700
all bad guys.
298
00:11:47,740 --> 00:11:49,160
What about Bazooka Joe?
299
00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:50,580
Bazooka Joe.
Couldn't be nicer.
300
00:11:50,620 --> 00:11:52,250
SPENCE: Please! Have
you read those comics?
301
00:11:52,290 --> 00:11:53,420
He's very sarcastic.
302
00:11:53,460 --> 00:11:55,250
CARRIE: All right,
come on, you guys.
303
00:11:55,290 --> 00:11:57,960
This has nothing to do
with the guy's eye patch.
304
00:11:58,000 --> 00:11:59,380
Okay, maybe he is a nice guy
305
00:11:59,420 --> 00:12:02,050
who got a missile
in the eye, all right?
306
00:12:02,090 --> 00:12:04,010
But maybe he's not!
307
00:12:04,050 --> 00:12:05,260
And if there's a 1% chance
308
00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:07,010
that he could be
a demented killer,
309
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:08,600
why should we take the risk?
310
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:10,430
The guy is freezing
out there, all right?
311
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:12,230
You want the headline
inThe Postto read tomorrow,
312
00:12:12,270 --> 00:12:14,980
"Man dies on porch of
Happy Thanksgiving dinner"?
313
00:12:15,020 --> 00:12:16,560
How about this
for a headline?
314
00:12:16,610 --> 00:12:19,030
"10 people carved in
Thanksgiving massacre."
315
00:12:19,070 --> 00:12:21,780
I mean,
it writes itself!
316
00:12:21,820 --> 00:12:25,280
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
317
00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:28,410
Oh, God. Do you
think he heard us?
318
00:12:28,450 --> 00:12:29,790
Even so,
how would he know
319
00:12:29,830 --> 00:12:30,870
we were talking
about him?
320
00:12:30,910 --> 00:12:31,960
Maybe the fact
that we said,
321
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:34,870
eye patch about
600 times.
322
00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:37,250
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
323
00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:38,630
What are you--
what are you doing?!
324
00:12:38,670 --> 00:12:40,090
I'm gonna see
what he wants, okay?
325
00:12:40,130 --> 00:12:41,510
It's a little late
to pretend we're not home.
326
00:12:41,550 --> 00:12:43,510
All right, well,
keep the chain on the door.
327
00:12:43,550 --> 00:12:47,260
Yeah, cause' no one
can get through one of these.
328
00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:48,560
-Yeah?
-Hey, uh,
329
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:50,310
any chance
I could use your bathroom?
330
00:12:50,350 --> 00:12:51,640
Oh, yeah, sure,
no problem.
331
00:12:51,680 --> 00:12:54,440
Um, one second, please.
I'm in my bra.
332
00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:57,650
Okay, this is
where I draw the line, okay?
333
00:12:57,690 --> 00:12:59,190
I'm not gonna insult
the man's dignity
334
00:12:59,230 --> 00:13:01,320
by making him take a pee
in our bushes!
335
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:03,150
Why not? You do.
336
00:13:03,190 --> 00:13:05,410
Not in the front!
337
00:13:05,450 --> 00:13:06,950
-I'm lettin' him in.
-All right, okay.
338
00:13:06,990 --> 00:13:08,490
But wait a minute.
339
00:13:08,530 --> 00:13:10,490
You follow him upstairs,
he goes to the bathroom,
340
00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:12,830
and then he's right back
outside, okay?
341
00:13:12,870 --> 00:13:15,250
All right, everybody,
keep eating, look normal.
342
00:13:15,290 --> 00:13:17,500
Hey, man, come on in.
Sorry about that.
343
00:13:17,540 --> 00:13:18,920
Hey, you got a nice
little set-up there, huh?
344
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:23,010
Just sittin' there, watchin'
the pretty girls walk by?
345
00:13:23,050 --> 00:13:24,170
It's at the top
of the stairs.
346
00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:25,340
Great.
347
00:13:25,380 --> 00:13:27,720
What are you, blind?!
348
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:33,390
SPENCE: Uh, football
referee's blind.
349
00:13:33,430 --> 00:13:36,900
I like your coat.
350
00:13:36,940 --> 00:13:39,520
I like your pants.
I'm Holly, hi.
351
00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:41,230
Hi.
352
00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:44,530
[SOFTLY]
Okay. Go. Go!
353
00:13:44,570 --> 00:13:45,950
Deac, you go, too.
Check on him.
354
00:13:45,990 --> 00:13:47,740
Okay, okay.
355
00:13:51,910 --> 00:13:54,830
What's he doin'?
356
00:13:54,870 --> 00:13:56,580
Number one.
357
00:14:00,750 --> 00:14:04,050
Jeez, what'd he have,
a Big Gulp?
358
00:14:04,090 --> 00:14:05,260
Now he's washin'
his hands.
359
00:14:05,300 --> 00:14:06,470
How many
psycho killers you know
360
00:14:06,510 --> 00:14:08,220
wash their hands
after they pee?
361
00:14:08,260 --> 00:14:09,680
Couldn't tell you.
362
00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:10,800
He's comin'.
363
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:12,970
Uh, there. How's that?
Is that any better?
364
00:14:13,010 --> 00:14:14,220
Uh, up a little
on the left.
365
00:14:14,270 --> 00:14:15,350
All right,
there you go.
366
00:14:15,390 --> 00:14:16,560
Now, stop worryin'
about our pictures
367
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,230
and enjoy
your dinner already.
368
00:14:18,270 --> 00:14:20,480
Well, now I can.
369
00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:24,280
[FOOTSTEPS]
370
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:29,570
Well,
thanks a lot.
371
00:14:29,610 --> 00:14:31,450
Sorry to disturb
your dinner.
372
00:14:31,490 --> 00:14:35,750
What? No,
no, no, no.
373
00:14:35,790 --> 00:14:37,040
Hey, mister. Mister.
374
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:38,250
-Major?
-Why do you have
375
00:14:38,290 --> 00:14:41,920
to be outside?
Are you a pirate?
376
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:44,300
Yes. Yes,
I am a pirate.
377
00:14:44,340 --> 00:14:47,010
I just came ashore
for a few days to fix my ship.
378
00:14:47,050 --> 00:14:48,760
Can you fix
my Game Boy?
379
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:51,850
Major, leave the man alone.
He's...
380
00:14:51,890 --> 00:14:54,180
busy.
381
00:14:54,220 --> 00:14:56,310
Let me see.
382
00:14:56,350 --> 00:14:57,770
Oh, you might
just need to poke
383
00:14:57,810 --> 00:15:00,850
the little reset button
with somethin' sharp.
384
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,730
[GASPS] Ca--
385
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:09,860
There you go.
Good as new.
386
00:15:09,900 --> 00:15:11,490
Thanks.
387
00:15:15,330 --> 00:15:18,330
Okay. Well, I guess
I'll go back out there.
388
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,170
Oh, this
is ridiculous.
389
00:15:26,210 --> 00:15:28,210
The guy's
obviously harmless.
390
00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:29,340
You don't
know that.
391
00:15:29,380 --> 00:15:30,630
He just fixed
a child's Game Boy
392
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:32,050
and washed
his hands after making.
393
00:15:32,090 --> 00:15:33,550
How much proof
do we need?!
394
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,140
SPENCE: Hey, no amount of
proof is gonna change my gut
395
00:15:36,180 --> 00:15:37,640
tellin' me
this guy isn't right.
396
00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:38,930
Oh, will you
knock it off?
397
00:15:38,980 --> 00:15:40,480
It's not this guy
you're scared of.
398
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:41,850
It's the whole world!
399
00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:43,650
That's why the subway's
a perfect job for you.
400
00:15:43,690 --> 00:15:45,610
You can hide in your little
glass booth all day.
401
00:15:45,650 --> 00:15:46,820
Do they even need
you, by the way,
402
00:15:46,860 --> 00:15:48,320
with the whole
MetroCard thing?
403
00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:51,360
Shut up.
Shut up!
404
00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:54,740
What are you doin'?
405
00:15:54,780 --> 00:15:56,370
You know what? If we're
not letting him in here,
406
00:15:56,410 --> 00:15:57,790
I'm goin' out there.
That's what happened
407
00:15:57,830 --> 00:15:59,330
on the first Thanksgiving.
The pilgrims
408
00:15:59,370 --> 00:16:00,830
didn't know the Indians,
but they decided
409
00:16:00,870 --> 00:16:03,500
to trust them
and bring them food.
410
00:16:03,540 --> 00:16:07,000
Yes, and then
the Indians scalped them.
411
00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:10,130
I think you both have
the story pretty wrong.
412
00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:11,470
You know what?
The point is,
413
00:16:11,510 --> 00:16:12,880
sometimes you gotta
do the right thing,
414
00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:14,300
and that's exactly
what I'm doin'--
415
00:16:14,340 --> 00:16:15,640
the right thing.
416
00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:19,060
And I don't care if
I have to do it alone!
417
00:16:19,100 --> 00:16:21,810
Deac, could you, uh,
help me with the door handles?
418
00:16:24,230 --> 00:16:25,860
Thank you!
419
00:16:25,900 --> 00:16:27,270
Do you want to
just grab my jacket?
420
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,440
Oh.
421
00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:32,490
Yeah.
Thank you!
422
00:16:34,740 --> 00:16:36,620
You know what?
I agree with Doug.
423
00:16:36,660 --> 00:16:38,910
I mean, it reallyis
the right thing to do,
424
00:16:38,950 --> 00:16:43,500
and I think when
you have a chance to do...
425
00:16:43,540 --> 00:16:45,540
to do the right thing,
you should do it. You know?
426
00:16:45,580 --> 00:16:47,540
'Cause at the end
of the day, the, uh...
427
00:16:47,590 --> 00:16:50,300
the right thing...
428
00:16:50,340 --> 00:16:53,130
is right. Okay.
429
00:16:53,170 --> 00:16:54,470
I'm just gonna...
430
00:16:54,510 --> 00:16:56,760
take this wine
with me, too.
431
00:16:56,800 --> 00:16:58,600
We wanna go,
too, Mama!
432
00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:01,060
Yeah! We wanna eat
with the pirate!
433
00:17:01,100 --> 00:17:02,310
No.
Absolutely not.
434
00:17:02,350 --> 00:17:03,560
Dad, can we?
435
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:06,560
Um, look,
maybe it's all right.
436
00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:08,400
No, that man
could be dangerous!
437
00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:11,440
I know, but they're
just gonna keep nagging.
438
00:17:13,450 --> 00:17:14,900
Deacon, that's not
a good enough reason.
439
00:17:14,950 --> 00:17:16,660
You know, maybe we should
take them out there. Okay?
440
00:17:16,700 --> 00:17:17,820
I mean, look, do you
want 'em to grow up
441
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,240
to be afraid
of the world?
442
00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:21,330
They could end up
like...like...
443
00:17:21,370 --> 00:17:23,460
uhh...
444
00:17:25,790 --> 00:17:27,250
Okay, coats
and mittens.
445
00:17:27,290 --> 00:17:28,960
-Yay!
-Yay!
446
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:30,460
All right.
But if you guys go outside,
447
00:17:30,500 --> 00:17:32,210
you can say
good-bye to desserts.
448
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:33,970
I'm serious.
449
00:17:34,010 --> 00:17:35,260
[DOOR CLOSES]
450
00:17:35,300 --> 00:17:36,590
[SIGHS]
451
00:17:36,630 --> 00:17:39,300
They're right.
452
00:17:39,350 --> 00:17:40,600
All of them. I...
453
00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:42,930
Iamafraid
of the world.
454
00:17:42,970 --> 00:17:45,940
I sit behind my bulletproof
glass every day,
455
00:17:45,980 --> 00:17:49,650
all day, and...
my only thought is...
456
00:17:49,690 --> 00:17:53,030
God, I hope the glass
reallyisbulletproof.
457
00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:58,240
Well, I'm through
living in fear!
458
00:17:58,280 --> 00:18:00,490
I'm going
out there, damn it!
459
00:18:03,540 --> 00:18:07,460
You're...coming,
too, right, Lou?
460
00:18:07,500 --> 00:18:08,670
I have to follow
my heart.
461
00:18:08,710 --> 00:18:11,540
Yeah. Follow your
friggin' heart, Lou.
462
00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:16,510
Oh, come on, baby!
Go! Go, go, go!
463
00:18:16,550 --> 00:18:19,470
No one to beat
but the kicker! Go!
464
00:18:19,510 --> 00:18:20,720
Oh, my God!
465
00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:23,770
How do you get tackled
by a guy from Sweden?!
466
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:28,020
[SIGHS ANGRILY]
467
00:18:28,060 --> 00:18:30,020
Ohhh! God!
468
00:18:32,770 --> 00:18:34,690
Where is everybody?
469
00:18:34,730 --> 00:18:36,320
CARRIE: Ahh, don't
worry about them.
470
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:37,490
It's just you and me,
Danny boy.
471
00:18:37,530 --> 00:18:39,280
What do you need?
Stuffing?
472
00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:40,620
Uh, broccoli?
473
00:18:40,660 --> 00:18:43,160
Nah. Just lost a fortune.
474
00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:44,870
Need some air.
475
00:18:55,420 --> 00:18:57,800
[LAUGHTER OUTSIDE]
476
00:18:57,840 --> 00:19:00,680
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
477
00:19:03,140 --> 00:19:04,180
I can't
believe that.
478
00:19:04,220 --> 00:19:05,390
[LAUGHTER AND CHATTER]
479
00:19:05,430 --> 00:19:07,930
-Live and learn, huh?
-Yeah.
480
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:09,730
Uh, I...I haven't
seen 'em for years.
481
00:19:09,770 --> 00:19:12,400
Um, hi.
482
00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:16,030
I just wanted to tell you,
Mr. Stranger...
483
00:19:16,070 --> 00:19:18,240
that I was the,
uh, the main person
484
00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:21,780
who didn't want you
to come in tonight.
485
00:19:21,820 --> 00:19:23,700
I guess I've just
never been a...
486
00:19:23,740 --> 00:19:25,790
a trusting person.
487
00:19:25,830 --> 00:19:28,120
I'm one of those
few people who, um...
488
00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:31,290
actually uses
the ATM rearview mirror.
489
00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:34,380
Anyway...
490
00:19:34,420 --> 00:19:35,920
in the true spirit
of Thanksgiving,
491
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:39,470
I'd like to invite you
insidewith us.
492
00:19:39,510 --> 00:19:43,090
For the rest of our dinner,
if you'd like.
493
00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:45,760
Well, I... I don't, uh...
know what to say.
494
00:19:45,810 --> 00:19:48,390
I mean, before
any of you came out,
495
00:19:48,430 --> 00:19:51,480
I was thinkin' about
how nice you people were...
496
00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:53,440
just to let a perfect
stranger use your phone
497
00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:54,400
and your bathroom
498
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:56,520
and to wait out here
on your porch?
499
00:19:56,570 --> 00:19:59,570
I certainly never
expected any of this.
500
00:19:59,610 --> 00:20:02,860
I--I'd just love
to make a toast to you...
501
00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:03,910
a Thanksgiving toast.
502
00:20:03,950 --> 00:20:05,120
That'd be great.
503
00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:06,450
-Absolutely.
-Yeah.
504
00:20:06,490 --> 00:20:07,450
Whoops.
505
00:20:07,490 --> 00:20:08,790
There's my buddy's car
right now,
506
00:20:08,830 --> 00:20:10,250
stoppin' at
that traffic light.
507
00:20:10,290 --> 00:20:12,420
I recognize
the bad paint job.
508
00:20:12,460 --> 00:20:13,630
[LAUGHTER]
509
00:20:13,670 --> 00:20:14,960
Uh, we got
a long drive,
510
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:16,460
so if I could just use
your bathroom one more time,
511
00:20:16,500 --> 00:20:18,250
then I'll make my toast
and be on my way?
512
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:19,630
Oh. Absolutely.
Sure.
513
00:20:19,670 --> 00:20:21,680
You know, I'll get the wine
poured in the meantime.
514
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:22,880
Can I have some wine?
515
00:20:22,930 --> 00:20:25,350
Sure you can...
in about 14 years.
516
00:20:25,390 --> 00:20:28,010
[LAUGHTER]
517
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,310
See? Turns out
he's a great guy.
518
00:20:32,350 --> 00:20:33,810
And you want to hear
the kicker?
519
00:20:33,850 --> 00:20:35,360
-Jets fan.
-Oh.
520
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,440
Hey, Holly, did you get
his number yet?
521
00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:39,150
Uh, no, not yet,
but when he comes back out,
522
00:20:39,190 --> 00:20:41,440
if you all could just
talk amongst yourselves...
523
00:20:41,490 --> 00:20:42,360
Ohhh...
524
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,950
-You bad girl.
-All I can say
525
00:20:44,990 --> 00:20:47,080
this has turned out
to be one of the nicest
526
00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:48,740
Thanksgivings I've ever had.
527
00:20:48,790 --> 00:20:51,660
-Ohhh.
-Ohhh.
528
00:20:51,710 --> 00:20:52,710
Hey, here comes
his friend.
529
00:20:52,750 --> 00:20:54,000
The guy
caught a break.
530
00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:55,710
There's a parking space
right in front.
531
00:21:13,850 --> 00:21:17,020
Crap!
532
00:21:17,060 --> 00:21:19,320
He got our silverware,
our stereo,
533
00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:22,400
her purse, her purse,
and his little TV.
534
00:21:23,110 --> 00:21:25,320
Told you
he wouldn't kill us.
535
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:28,780
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
536
00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:36,120
I will wait for you
I promise.
537
00:21:36,170 --> 00:21:38,590
But in the main
time, um...
538
00:21:38,630 --> 00:21:40,960
can I get my purse back?
539
00:21:43,630 --> 00:21:46,970
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
38025
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