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1
00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:04,420
* My eyes aregettin' weary*
2
00:00:04,460 --> 00:00:07,130
*My back is gettin' tight*
3
00:00:07,170 --> 00:00:09,170
*I'm sittin' herein traffic*
4
00:00:09,210 --> 00:00:11,800
*On the Queensboro Bridgetonight*
5
00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:17,470
*But I don't care,'cause all I want to do*
6
00:00:17,510 --> 00:00:21,390
*Is cash my check and driveright home to you*
7
00:00:23,230 --> 00:00:24,730
*'Cause, baby,all my life*
8
00:00:24,770 --> 00:00:28,770
*I will be drivin' hometo you*
9
00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:36,160
So guys,
tell Uncle Doug
10
00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:37,450
what you did
in school today.
11
00:00:37,490 --> 00:00:39,950
What'd you--did you
write in cursive?
12
00:00:39,990 --> 00:00:41,240
Did you climb
the ropes?
13
00:00:41,290 --> 00:00:43,290
Eat some paste?
What went down?
14
00:00:45,210 --> 00:00:47,210
I wrote a book
about Thanksgiving.
15
00:00:47,250 --> 00:00:50,090
You did?
Can I see?
16
00:00:50,130 --> 00:00:53,380
Oh, wow. Hey,
nice use of macaroni.
17
00:00:54,340 --> 00:00:56,720
Oh, and pictures, too.
18
00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:58,180
What's this?
19
00:00:58,220 --> 00:01:01,220
That's the Pilgrims
killing a turkey.
20
00:01:02,770 --> 00:01:05,100
Huh. Little graphic.
21
00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:08,310
You might want to ease
up on the red crayon.
22
00:01:09,190 --> 00:01:10,440
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
23
00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:11,780
Come in.
24
00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:14,900
-Hey, guy.
-DEACON: Hey.
25
00:01:14,940 --> 00:01:16,200
Thanks for
picking up my kids.
26
00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:17,450
Your kids?
Was that today?
27
00:01:17,490 --> 00:01:19,070
-What?!
-I'm kidding.
28
00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:20,780
In the kitchen, bud.
29
00:01:20,830 --> 00:01:22,080
Don't do that, man.
30
00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:23,410
All right. Calm down.
Dinner's on the way.
31
00:01:23,450 --> 00:01:25,540
Carrie's picking up
a bucket of KFC.
32
00:01:25,580 --> 00:01:26,670
S'all good!
33
00:01:26,710 --> 00:01:27,920
Sorry. I'm dying here.
34
00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:29,380
O'Boyle stuck me
on the 8:00 shift.
35
00:01:29,420 --> 00:01:31,170
He knows I got
my kids all week.
36
00:01:31,210 --> 00:01:32,500
Did you talk
to him about it?
37
00:01:32,550 --> 00:01:34,420
Yeah. He suggested
I ship them somewhere.
38
00:01:34,460 --> 00:01:37,090
Then at least they could
be in the truck with me.
39
00:01:37,130 --> 00:01:38,430
-Hi, Dad.
-Hey.
40
00:01:38,470 --> 00:01:40,890
Hey, what's up,
little men?
41
00:01:40,930 --> 00:01:42,260
-Hey, guys.
-Oh!
42
00:01:42,310 --> 00:01:45,390
Okay, chicken in the house.
43
00:01:45,980 --> 00:01:47,020
Oh, what the--?
44
00:01:47,060 --> 00:01:48,690
Where the hells's
the bucket?
45
00:01:48,730 --> 00:01:50,110
What?
46
00:01:50,150 --> 00:01:52,270
I didn't go to KFC.
I went to that new place,
47
00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:55,440
the Fresh 'n Healthy
Chicken Cafe.
48
00:01:55,490 --> 00:01:58,110
Fresh 'n Healthy
Chicken Cafe?
49
00:01:58,150 --> 00:01:59,280
Yeah.
50
00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:00,320
What's wrong with that?
51
00:02:00,370 --> 00:02:03,870
A: Fresh, B: Healthy,
C: Cafe!
52
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:06,000
Okay, you know what?
53
00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:07,370
Let's take
some of this passion
54
00:02:07,410 --> 00:02:09,670
and cure a disease
or something.
55
00:02:09,710 --> 00:02:11,210
Here. Let me give you
some money for the food.
56
00:02:11,250 --> 00:02:12,460
No, no, no, no.
Don't you pay her for this.
57
00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:13,960
Don't you
reward her.
58
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,210
Come on, guys.
59
00:02:16,260 --> 00:02:17,840
Deacon, you and the boys
are still coming over
60
00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:18,970
for Thanksgiving
dinner, right?
61
00:02:19,010 --> 00:02:21,140
-Yep, we are all over it.
-Okay.
62
00:02:21,180 --> 00:02:23,300
I'll tell you who's
all over Thanksgiving...
63
00:02:23,350 --> 00:02:25,310
Major here.
He wrote a book
about it and everything.
64
00:02:25,350 --> 00:02:26,520
Did you, Major?
65
00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:28,060
You want to read it
to everybody?
66
00:02:28,100 --> 00:02:29,230
No.
67
00:02:29,270 --> 00:02:30,810
-You want me to read it for you?
-Okay.
68
00:02:30,850 --> 00:02:32,310
Okay!
69
00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:36,110
Thanksgiving
by Major Palmer.
70
00:02:36,150 --> 00:02:37,490
"I like Thanksgiving.
71
00:02:37,530 --> 00:02:40,030
You get to have turkey
and potatoes and gravy
72
00:02:40,070 --> 00:02:42,370
and pumpin pie..."
73
00:02:43,580 --> 00:02:45,910
I think he means
"pumpkin pie."
74
00:02:45,950 --> 00:02:47,370
Thanks.
75
00:02:47,410 --> 00:02:49,710
"We used to have Thanksgiving
with my mommy and daddy,
76
00:02:49,750 --> 00:02:52,580
but then they yelled
and got di-borced.
77
00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:55,300
Now we don't
have a family,
78
00:02:55,340 --> 00:02:58,340
so we're having Thanksgiving
with some white people."
79
00:03:02,970 --> 00:03:04,720
Hey, that's us.
80
00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:10,390
I can't even give my kids
a decent family Thanksgiving.
81
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:13,770
I'm a horrible,
horrible father.
82
00:03:13,810 --> 00:03:15,360
I've never felt worse.
83
00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:18,230
Does this mean you're
not gonna dry or...?
84
00:03:21,030 --> 00:03:23,530
I should be having Thanksgiving
over at my place,
85
00:03:23,570 --> 00:03:24,660
bring all my relatives in.
86
00:03:24,700 --> 00:03:25,780
That's what
a good father would do.
87
00:03:25,830 --> 00:03:27,410
-So do it.
-How?
88
00:03:27,450 --> 00:03:28,870
I can't even find someone
to pick up my kids from school.
89
00:03:28,910 --> 00:03:32,040
How am I gonna pull off
a whole big Thanksgiving?
90
00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:33,540
I need a wife.
91
00:03:48,470 --> 00:03:50,230
What are you looking at?
92
00:03:50,270 --> 00:03:51,850
[SWEETLY] You.
93
00:03:52,980 --> 00:03:54,730
Now, look, I'm gonna throw
something out here.
94
00:03:54,770 --> 00:03:56,480
Now, don't shoot it
down right away.
95
00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:59,440
Just let it
wash over you.
96
00:04:00,110 --> 00:04:01,360
Okay.
97
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:04,030
I'm thinking of
loaning you out to Deacon.
98
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:08,410
What?
99
00:04:08,450 --> 00:04:09,910
Yeah. He's real upset.
100
00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:11,200
He decided
he wants to have
101
00:04:11,250 --> 00:04:12,620
a big Thanksgiving
at his place,
102
00:04:12,660 --> 00:04:14,580
but he's crazy with work
and the kids and--
103
00:04:14,620 --> 00:04:16,920
Look, bottom line is...
104
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:18,170
he needs a wife,
105
00:04:18,210 --> 00:04:19,460
so I thought I'd loan
you to him, you know,
106
00:04:19,500 --> 00:04:21,420
like I lent him
my drill.
107
00:04:22,420 --> 00:04:24,800
Okay, couple of things.
108
00:04:25,890 --> 00:04:30,390
First of all,
I am not a power tool,
109
00:04:30,430 --> 00:04:33,810
and second, if I ever do
become someone else's wife,
110
00:04:33,850 --> 00:04:36,730
it ain't gonna be
another truck driver.
111
00:04:37,810 --> 00:04:39,320
Come on,
Deacon's desperate.
112
00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:40,650
It would just be
for the week.
113
00:04:40,690 --> 00:04:42,440
You gotta just pick the kids up,
make 'em dinner,
114
00:04:42,490 --> 00:04:44,280
and then help him
get Thanksgiving organized.
115
00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:45,320
I don't know.
116
00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:47,280
It's the spirit
of Thanksgiving!
117
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:49,120
For God's sakes,
the Pilgrims,
118
00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:51,240
they gave their wives
to the Indian!
119
00:04:51,290 --> 00:04:52,660
That's not
what happened.
120
00:04:52,700 --> 00:04:55,290
Well, they gave out maize.
I know that.
121
00:04:55,330 --> 00:04:57,420
Do you even know
what maize is?
122
00:04:57,460 --> 00:04:59,960
Some kind of food
that was amazing.
123
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,300
Oy.
124
00:05:01,340 --> 00:05:02,760
Come on, Carrie.
You told me yourself.
125
00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:04,300
You got
an easy work week.
126
00:05:04,340 --> 00:05:06,130
Your dad's out of town.
127
00:05:06,180 --> 00:05:07,680
Come on.
128
00:05:08,890 --> 00:05:09,970
[SIGHS]
129
00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:12,140
All right.
I'll do it.
130
00:05:12,180 --> 00:05:14,930
I'll be your
best friend's wife.
131
00:05:15,850 --> 00:05:17,440
Sweet.
132
00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:21,690
No, Uncle Fred.
133
00:05:21,730 --> 00:05:23,150
I can't pick you up
at the airport,
134
00:05:23,190 --> 00:05:24,490
'cause I have to
pick up Nana Letty
135
00:05:24,530 --> 00:05:25,820
from the nursing home.
136
00:05:25,860 --> 00:05:27,660
Just take the shuttle
from the airport.
137
00:05:27,700 --> 00:05:30,030
It'll drop you off
right here.
138
00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:31,450
No, the shuttle.
139
00:05:31,490 --> 00:05:32,540
When you get off
the plane,
140
00:05:32,580 --> 00:05:34,450
just look
for the sign.
141
00:05:35,500 --> 00:05:38,170
The sign'll say,
"Shuttle."
142
00:05:38,210 --> 00:05:39,830
[DOORBELL RINGS]
143
00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:41,710
Hang on a sec.
144
00:05:44,590 --> 00:05:46,930
Someone requested
a mail-order bride?
145
00:05:46,970 --> 00:05:48,260
[CHUCKLES] Yeah.
146
00:05:48,300 --> 00:05:49,390
Come on in.
147
00:05:49,430 --> 00:05:50,470
Look, thanks so much
for coming.
148
00:05:50,510 --> 00:05:51,680
You are saving my life.
149
00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:52,890
Now, are you sure
you're up for this?
150
00:05:52,930 --> 00:05:54,350
I gotta be honest
with ya, Deac.
151
00:05:54,390 --> 00:05:55,850
I think we should have
done this swap
152
00:05:55,890 --> 00:05:57,690
a long time ago.
153
00:06:00,860 --> 00:06:01,690
All right, honey,
154
00:06:01,730 --> 00:06:02,730
where do you
want me to start?
155
00:06:02,770 --> 00:06:03,860
You want me to
make some dinner?
156
00:06:03,900 --> 00:06:05,150
Chase you around
with a rolling pin?
157
00:06:05,190 --> 00:06:06,150
What do you like?
158
00:06:06,190 --> 00:06:07,360
Well, uh,
159
00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:08,530
I'm actually making
some travel plans,
160
00:06:08,570 --> 00:06:09,610
trying to get
my family in,
161
00:06:09,660 --> 00:06:10,820
so dinner
would be great.
162
00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:12,080
I picked up
some ground beef.
163
00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:13,280
The kids
love meatloaf.
164
00:06:13,330 --> 00:06:15,750
One loaf of meat
coming right up.
165
00:06:17,660 --> 00:06:19,040
DEACON:
Wow, this looks great.
166
00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:20,250
Thank you.
167
00:06:20,290 --> 00:06:21,380
-[DOORBELL RINGS]
-I'll get it.
168
00:06:21,420 --> 00:06:23,130
I'll get it.
169
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:26,840
Hello!
170
00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:27,630
DEACON: Hey, man.
171
00:06:27,670 --> 00:06:28,720
What are you
doing here?
172
00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:29,760
I just thought
I'd drop off
173
00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:31,260
a little
housewarming gift,
174
00:06:31,300 --> 00:06:34,010
get the new couple
off on the right foot.
175
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:35,310
A fern.
176
00:06:35,350 --> 00:06:37,770
Yeah, they sell everything
at gas stations now.
177
00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:39,770
Hey, you wanna
stay for dinner?
178
00:06:39,810 --> 00:06:41,230
On your first night
together?
179
00:06:41,270 --> 00:06:42,560
Yeah, I'm sure
you want
180
00:06:42,610 --> 00:06:44,690
the loser best friend
hanging around.
181
00:06:45,780 --> 00:06:47,570
Actually, I'm gonna
go catch a movie.
182
00:06:47,610 --> 00:06:48,780
Oh--oh, that thing
is dripping.
183
00:06:48,820 --> 00:06:50,200
Let me throw
a plate under this.
184
00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:51,530
Oh, okay.
185
00:06:51,570 --> 00:06:53,240
So, everything
going okay?
186
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:54,490
Yeah, it's great.
187
00:06:54,530 --> 00:06:55,740
You know, I know
I fought you on this one,
188
00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:56,700
but I--
189
00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:57,870
I really feel good,
you know?
190
00:06:57,910 --> 00:06:59,410
I really feel
like I'm helping him.
191
00:06:59,460 --> 00:07:00,500
You are. You're doing
a really good thing.
192
00:07:00,540 --> 00:07:01,750
I'm very, very
proud of you.
193
00:07:01,790 --> 00:07:03,000
Now...
194
00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:04,250
if I'm gonna make
a movie and a strip club,
195
00:07:04,290 --> 00:07:05,840
-I gotta scoot.
-All right.
196
00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:07,130
Bye, baby.
197
00:07:08,340 --> 00:07:09,590
All right, come on,
you guys. Dig in.
198
00:07:09,630 --> 00:07:11,180
All right, what do you
guys say to Carrie?
199
00:07:11,220 --> 00:07:13,090
-KIRBY: Thank you, Carrie.
-MAJOR: Thanks, Carrie.
200
00:07:13,140 --> 00:07:14,970
You're welcome.
201
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:22,480
Thanks, Car.
Yeah.
202
00:07:32,950 --> 00:07:34,870
Are you making
Thanksgiving dinner?
203
00:07:34,910 --> 00:07:35,990
No, honey.
204
00:07:36,030 --> 00:07:37,240
Thanksgiving isn't
till Thursday.
205
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:39,540
I'm just making
a regular dinner.
206
00:07:41,370 --> 00:07:44,210
Were there
any black Pilgrims?
207
00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:47,670
Black Pilgrims, no.
208
00:07:47,710 --> 00:07:49,300
I don't think there were.
209
00:07:49,340 --> 00:07:50,420
Why not?
210
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,550
Well, because the Pilgrims
were all white.
211
00:07:52,590 --> 00:07:55,510
They came to America
from England on theMayflower.
212
00:07:55,550 --> 00:07:58,390
Then how did
the black people get here?
213
00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:03,650
Would you like a cupcake?
214
00:08:03,690 --> 00:08:06,020
-Yeah!
-Yeah!
215
00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:12,320
Hey, Maj.
216
00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:13,610
What are you
eating there?
217
00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:15,490
Carrie gave me
a cupcake.
218
00:08:15,530 --> 00:08:17,330
Oh, okay.
219
00:08:18,580 --> 00:08:20,370
-Hey.
-Hey.
220
00:08:20,410 --> 00:08:21,830
Listen, I picked up
the turkey.
221
00:08:21,870 --> 00:08:23,210
There was only
one big one left.
222
00:08:23,250 --> 00:08:24,420
I had to throw
a few elbows,
223
00:08:24,460 --> 00:08:26,460
-but I got it.
-[CHUCKLES] Great.
224
00:08:26,500 --> 00:08:28,880
Uh, look, I just saw
Major eating a cupcake.
225
00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:30,210
Has he had dinner yet?
226
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:31,420
Oh, no.
227
00:08:31,460 --> 00:08:33,550
Yeah, he was yammering on
about something.
228
00:08:33,590 --> 00:08:35,720
You know, throw one of those
in their mouth and...
229
00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:37,430
[FFFTT]
230
00:08:37,470 --> 00:08:38,560
Yeah.
231
00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:40,560
It's just I kind of
have a no dessert
232
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:42,060
before dinner thing,
233
00:08:42,100 --> 00:08:43,270
but, you know,
it's cool.
234
00:08:43,310 --> 00:08:45,560
No, you know what?
It is not cool.
235
00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:46,600
I'm sorry.
236
00:08:46,650 --> 00:08:48,360
I'll be right back.
237
00:08:56,820 --> 00:08:58,320
Damn!
238
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,200
Okay...
239
00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:04,290
I got the cupcake
back from him.
240
00:09:04,330 --> 00:09:05,620
-Great, thanks.
-Everything's cool.
241
00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:07,580
-DEACON: Alright, thanks.
-Yeah, the thing is
242
00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:09,290
I had to give him something
to get it back,
243
00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:11,500
so I sort of promised
he could stay up late tonight
244
00:09:11,550 --> 00:09:13,050
and watchThe Sopranos.
245
00:09:14,630 --> 00:09:16,470
And I think a couple of people
are getting whacked tonight,
246
00:09:16,510 --> 00:09:19,140
so you may have to have
a sit-down with him afterwards.
247
00:09:20,510 --> 00:09:23,980
[**]
248
00:09:24,980 --> 00:09:26,310
CARRIE:
So Kaplan comes down
249
00:09:26,350 --> 00:09:28,190
to say who gets to work
on the Fennerman case,
250
00:09:28,230 --> 00:09:29,480
and guess who he picks?
251
00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:31,440
Not me. Gina.
252
00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:33,320
She is so sickening.
253
00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:36,820
[ARROGANTLY IMITATING GINA]
"Oh, I would love to make
extra copies for you."
254
00:09:36,860 --> 00:09:38,410
"Oh, I would
love to pick out
255
00:09:38,450 --> 00:09:41,080
your wife's
birthday present for you."
256
00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:42,450
You know what
I would love?
257
00:09:42,490 --> 00:09:46,500
I would love to beat her
with a toner cartridge.
258
00:09:47,330 --> 00:09:48,380
What are you doing
over there?
259
00:09:48,420 --> 00:09:49,790
Uh, just trying
to figure out
260
00:09:49,830 --> 00:09:50,960
when my family's
coming in,
261
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:52,300
you know,
who's staying where.
262
00:09:52,340 --> 00:09:56,170
Oh, and the way
she dresses.
263
00:09:56,220 --> 00:09:57,470
I mean, it's not like
I have to wear
264
00:09:57,510 --> 00:09:59,930
a push-up bra
to justify my paycheck.
265
00:09:59,970 --> 00:10:01,140
You know,
I'm good at what I do.
266
00:10:01,180 --> 00:10:02,350
-Mmm, yeah.
-You done with that?
267
00:10:02,390 --> 00:10:03,970
Uh, with the glass?
Not yet.
268
00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:05,640
I'll take it in there
when I'm done.
269
00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:07,350
Oh, great, so should I hold off
on running the dishwasher?
270
00:10:07,390 --> 00:10:09,770
-Yeah, just a couple of minutes.
-Okay.
271
00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:21,200
CARRIE: Like today...
272
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:23,700
Guess what
she was wearing.
273
00:10:23,740 --> 00:10:24,740
Take a guess!
274
00:10:24,790 --> 00:10:27,580
Um, something
inappropriate?
275
00:10:27,620 --> 00:10:30,170
Not if you're on
The Dukes of Hazzard.
276
00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:33,000
Capital "H",
capital "O",
277
00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:34,420
you know what
I'm saying?
278
00:10:34,460 --> 00:10:36,130
[LAUGHS] Right.
279
00:10:36,170 --> 00:10:37,170
How ya doing on
that glass there, buddy?
280
00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:40,050
Uh, you know what?
Here.
281
00:10:40,090 --> 00:10:41,590
All done--
you know what?
282
00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:43,100
Actually, why don't I
throw this in the dishwasher?
283
00:10:43,140 --> 00:10:44,680
I'm sure you probably
gotta get going.
284
00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:45,680
It's almost 9:00.
285
00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:46,980
No, what are you
talking about?
286
00:10:47,020 --> 00:10:48,180
I have a lot of stuff
to do around here.
287
00:10:48,230 --> 00:10:49,520
[PLAYFUL]
Oh, you've done enough.
288
00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:51,440
Get out of here.
289
00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:52,690
No.
290
00:10:52,730 --> 00:10:54,730
It's no problem, really.
291
00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:58,650
You mind if I step out
for a few minutes?
292
00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:00,660
No. That's why I'm here.
293
00:11:00,700 --> 00:11:01,870
All right, uh...
294
00:11:01,910 --> 00:11:04,080
-Catch ya later.
-Okay.
295
00:11:08,910 --> 00:11:10,460
Welcome back
to live coverage
296
00:11:10,500 --> 00:11:13,380
of the Queens
Indoor Golf Classic.
297
00:11:14,750 --> 00:11:16,880
Brought to you by...
298
00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:18,590
Frito-Lay.
299
00:11:22,090 --> 00:11:24,600
Put a little crunch
back into your life.
300
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:27,060
Heffernan just had
a beautiful up and down
301
00:11:27,100 --> 00:11:28,520
into the hamper.
302
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:30,230
He's set himself up
for the win with this shot.
303
00:11:30,270 --> 00:11:32,690
He's just gotta get it up
over the couch...
304
00:11:33,900 --> 00:11:35,610
and into the cup
on the landing
305
00:11:35,650 --> 00:11:37,110
for the win.
306
00:11:48,620 --> 00:11:50,410
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
307
00:11:52,370 --> 00:11:53,920
-Hey, man.
-What's up?
308
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:55,750
Not much.
What are you up to?
309
00:11:55,790 --> 00:11:57,250
Just a little
indoor golf,
310
00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:58,760
a little stuffed pizza,
311
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,010
and at 9:00 on ESPN,
312
00:12:01,050 --> 00:12:02,340
the National
Spelling Bee.
313
00:12:02,380 --> 00:12:03,890
There's an Indian kid
with a lisp
314
00:12:03,930 --> 00:12:05,800
who is kicking ass!
315
00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:14,520
You got
the life here, man.
316
00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:16,820
It do not suck.
317
00:12:17,980 --> 00:12:19,280
So, how's the wife?
318
00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:22,320
[CHUCKLES DERISIVELY]
319
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:24,910
Oh ho, trouble
in paradise?
320
00:12:26,830 --> 00:12:28,080
She's driving me crazy.
321
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:29,450
Yeah, well, you should
have thought of that
322
00:12:29,490 --> 00:12:31,660
before you slapped
the ring on her finger.
323
00:12:33,250 --> 00:12:35,210
I'm serious!
324
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:37,130
What's the problem?
325
00:12:37,170 --> 00:12:39,000
Well, first of all,
she's really not--
326
00:12:39,050 --> 00:12:40,380
She's not
great with kids.
327
00:12:40,420 --> 00:12:41,920
That's not her fault.
We don't have any kids.
328
00:12:41,970 --> 00:12:44,130
She hasn't had a chance
to get good with them.
329
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:47,180
Okay, but she has had
the chance to cook.
330
00:12:48,010 --> 00:12:50,520
You don't like
her cooking?
331
00:12:50,560 --> 00:12:52,100
Do you?
332
00:12:52,140 --> 00:12:53,850
Exhibit "A".
333
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:57,900
Huh?
334
00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:01,820
She can whip up some
pretty good stuff.
335
00:13:01,860 --> 00:13:02,990
What'd
she make for you?
336
00:13:03,030 --> 00:13:04,490
Meatloaf.
337
00:13:08,990 --> 00:13:10,540
And the way she goes
on and on
338
00:13:10,580 --> 00:13:12,200
about all the people
she hates at work,
339
00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:14,080
which, as far as
I can tell, is everyone.
340
00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:15,330
All right,
she does not do that.
341
00:13:15,370 --> 00:13:17,000
Guy, last week,
342
00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:18,460
you told me you were
slicing a bagel,
343
00:13:18,500 --> 00:13:20,050
and she was babbling on
about her boss,
344
00:13:20,090 --> 00:13:21,170
and it was so brutal
345
00:13:21,210 --> 00:13:22,460
that you actually
cut into your hand
346
00:13:22,510 --> 00:13:24,220
just to make her stop.
347
00:13:25,550 --> 00:13:27,180
Look, all right,
I'm lending you my wife, man.
348
00:13:27,220 --> 00:13:28,760
Not a lot of guys
would do that,
349
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:30,140
and, you know,
she's trying her best.
350
00:13:30,180 --> 00:13:31,390
So instead of
complaining,
351
00:13:31,430 --> 00:13:32,850
maybe you should
start appreciating.
352
00:13:32,890 --> 00:13:33,850
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
353
00:13:33,890 --> 00:13:35,230
[SIGHS]
354
00:13:35,890 --> 00:13:36,980
Hello?
355
00:13:37,020 --> 00:13:38,360
Oh, hey, Car.
356
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:40,570
[WHISPERING]
I'm not here!
357
00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:59,000
-Hey.
-Oh, hey.
358
00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:00,500
What's going on?
359
00:14:00,540 --> 00:14:03,210
Well, I was, uh, making
a sweet potato casserole
360
00:14:03,250 --> 00:14:05,760
but I ran out
of marshmallow so...
361
00:14:09,300 --> 00:14:11,430
Picking out
some of the Lucky Charms.
362
00:14:11,470 --> 00:14:13,100
They're a little crunchy
but I bet you,
363
00:14:13,140 --> 00:14:15,520
they're gon' be
magically delicious.
364
00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:18,690
Great.
365
00:14:18,730 --> 00:14:20,110
[DOORBELL RINGS]
366
00:14:20,150 --> 00:14:21,770
Excuse me.
367
00:14:26,820 --> 00:14:29,450
Hey, bud.
Everything okay down there?
368
00:14:29,490 --> 00:14:32,450
I think Carrie gave me
Major's underwear.
369
00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:34,330
Go change.
370
00:14:34,370 --> 00:14:36,290
Thank you.
371
00:14:39,620 --> 00:14:42,170
-Hi.
-Hey, Holly.
What are you doing here?
372
00:14:42,210 --> 00:14:43,380
I walk a dog in
your building now,
373
00:14:43,420 --> 00:14:44,630
so I thought
I'd stop by.
374
00:14:44,670 --> 00:14:45,920
Listen, I heard
that you're hosting
375
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:47,220
Thanksgiving
for your kids,
376
00:14:47,260 --> 00:14:49,090
and I just think
that is so sweet.
377
00:14:49,130 --> 00:14:50,800
I made you this.
378
00:14:59,270 --> 00:15:01,440
There's someone else.
379
00:15:03,980 --> 00:15:05,190
What are you
talking about?
380
00:15:05,230 --> 00:15:07,990
Holly.
I want Holly.
381
00:15:08,030 --> 00:15:09,280
What?!
382
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:10,530
I didn't look
for this to happen.
383
00:15:10,570 --> 00:15:11,530
I didn't plan for it,
384
00:15:11,570 --> 00:15:13,200
but she came
to my door
385
00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:15,120
with the best apple pie
I've ever tasted,
386
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:16,830
and she's great
with my kids,
387
00:15:16,870 --> 00:15:18,290
and she's quiet.
388
00:15:18,330 --> 00:15:20,460
But you...
389
00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:22,960
But you just
can't dump Carrie.
390
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:24,130
She loves
being with you.
391
00:15:24,170 --> 00:15:26,670
I've never
seen her happier.
392
00:15:26,710 --> 00:15:29,510
I got my whole family
coming in.
393
00:15:29,550 --> 00:15:30,760
I got my kids
counting on me
394
00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:32,260
for a perfect
Thanksgiving.
395
00:15:32,300 --> 00:15:33,470
I can't give 'em
sweet potatoes
396
00:15:33,510 --> 00:15:35,560
with Lucky Charms
in 'em!
397
00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:38,140
Oh, my God!
That sounds great!
398
00:15:38,180 --> 00:15:39,810
It's over, player.
399
00:15:39,850 --> 00:15:41,310
Amazing.
400
00:15:41,350 --> 00:15:42,980
Amazing. Okay.
401
00:15:43,020 --> 00:15:45,480
Fine, whatever.
402
00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:48,320
I guess I'll tell her
tonight after dinner...
403
00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:50,400
or maybe before dinner.
404
00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:52,360
You know what?
405
00:15:52,410 --> 00:15:54,700
This whole thing
was my idea.
406
00:15:54,740 --> 00:15:56,990
I'll tell her.
I just--
407
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,450
I gotta figure out a way
to let her down easy.
408
00:16:00,790 --> 00:16:02,000
Okay.
409
00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:03,540
Thanks.
410
00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:07,800
Couldn't you just stay with her
through the holidays?
411
00:16:15,430 --> 00:16:16,890
Yeah, just a table for 2.
412
00:16:16,930 --> 00:16:18,930
Sure, I'll hold.
413
00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:21,230
Hey, babe!
414
00:16:21,270 --> 00:16:22,190
Hey...
415
00:16:22,230 --> 00:16:23,520
-Turkey Day tomorrow.
-Uh-huh.
416
00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:24,980
You wanna discuss what pants
you're gonna wear?
417
00:16:25,020 --> 00:16:26,520
Because the last
3 years,
418
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:28,110
you've chosen poorly.
419
00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:32,070
Great, thank you.
Okay, I will see you then.
420
00:16:32,110 --> 00:16:34,110
-Pack your bags.
-What?
421
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:37,120
Where have you
always wanted to go?
422
00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:38,790
Spain?
423
00:16:39,950 --> 00:16:43,250
How about the Spain
of America?
424
00:16:43,290 --> 00:16:45,750
Massachusetts.
425
00:16:45,790 --> 00:16:47,210
You know that place
in Stockbridge
426
00:16:47,250 --> 00:16:49,050
you're always talking about?
The Red Lion Inn?
427
00:16:49,090 --> 00:16:50,340
Well, tomorrow night,
428
00:16:50,380 --> 00:16:51,920
we're gonna have
a gourmet meal there
429
00:16:51,970 --> 00:16:54,010
followed by
a beautiful stay
430
00:16:54,050 --> 00:16:56,340
in a standard room.
431
00:16:56,390 --> 00:16:58,260
What are you talking about
tomorrow night?
432
00:16:58,300 --> 00:16:59,430
It's Thanksgiving.
433
00:16:59,470 --> 00:17:00,770
I have to help
Deacon out.
434
00:17:00,810 --> 00:17:01,980
You already made him
plenty of stuff.
435
00:17:02,020 --> 00:17:03,270
He's well on his way.
436
00:17:03,310 --> 00:17:05,020
When's the last time
we had a romantic
437
00:17:05,060 --> 00:17:06,400
Thanksgiving together,
438
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:07,440
just the two of us?
439
00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:08,650
You know what they say:
440
00:17:08,690 --> 00:17:10,980
"Thanksgiving
is for lovers."
441
00:17:12,650 --> 00:17:13,950
What's going on here?
442
00:17:13,990 --> 00:17:15,280
Nothing. I just...
443
00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:17,280
wanna spend Thanksgiving
alone with my wife.
444
00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:18,700
Is that so crazy?
445
00:17:18,740 --> 00:17:19,990
Wait a minute.
446
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:21,620
Are you jealous
of all the time
447
00:17:21,660 --> 00:17:24,330
I've been spending
with Deacon?
448
00:17:24,370 --> 00:17:27,000
Uh, yeah.
449
00:17:29,250 --> 00:17:31,630
But you were the one
who loaned me out to him
450
00:17:31,670 --> 00:17:32,880
in the first place.
451
00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:34,920
I mean, you practically
dragged me over there.
452
00:17:34,970 --> 00:17:35,880
You gave us a fern.
453
00:17:35,930 --> 00:17:38,090
And I was
dying inside.
454
00:17:39,180 --> 00:17:40,760
You know what?
I can't believe
455
00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:42,220
how selfish you're being.
456
00:17:42,270 --> 00:17:44,810
I can't back out
on Deacon now.
457
00:17:44,850 --> 00:17:46,520
He needs me.
458
00:17:50,190 --> 00:17:53,070
* Doesn't need you really *
459
00:17:56,820 --> 00:17:58,530
[QUICK KNOCKS ON DOOR]
460
00:18:00,530 --> 00:18:01,490
Hey, man!
461
00:18:01,530 --> 00:18:02,660
Carrie! She's parking!
462
00:18:02,700 --> 00:18:03,750
Ran up here! Has turkey!
463
00:18:03,790 --> 00:18:05,210
I tried to stop her.
I couldn't.
464
00:18:05,250 --> 00:18:06,830
Has turkey!
465
00:18:06,870 --> 00:18:08,380
[PANTING]
466
00:18:08,420 --> 00:18:09,540
Okay, slow down.
467
00:18:09,580 --> 00:18:10,840
What's going on?
468
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:13,380
I tried to get her off
this thing all night.
469
00:18:13,420 --> 00:18:15,010
I tried to tell her
I was jealous.
470
00:18:15,050 --> 00:18:16,300
I--I--I tried to take her
to Massachusetts.
471
00:18:16,340 --> 00:18:18,340
She just
won't give you up!
472
00:18:18,390 --> 00:18:19,760
She still thinks
we're on for tonight?
473
00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:20,890
Yeah.
474
00:18:20,930 --> 00:18:21,850
I can't believe you!
475
00:18:21,890 --> 00:18:22,890
This is
important to me.
476
00:18:22,930 --> 00:18:24,180
It's important
to my kids.
477
00:18:24,220 --> 00:18:25,680
Oh, enough of
your kids already, okay?
478
00:18:25,730 --> 00:18:28,270
We get it!
You reproduce!
479
00:18:28,310 --> 00:18:30,060
Y-y-y-you're
killing me here.
480
00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:31,730
I've got Holly in the kitchen
basting a turkey.
481
00:18:31,770 --> 00:18:32,980
Yeah, well, I got
Carrie coming up
482
00:18:33,020 --> 00:18:34,190
with another turkey.
483
00:18:34,230 --> 00:18:35,320
-So what are we gonna do?
-I don't know!
484
00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:37,570
We got 2 broads
with 2 birds!
485
00:18:38,910 --> 00:18:41,570
-Hey, Doug.
-Hi.
486
00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:42,660
Hey, guys.
487
00:18:42,700 --> 00:18:44,620
-Hey.
-Hey.
488
00:18:45,580 --> 00:18:47,410
Holly.
489
00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:48,870
What are you doing?
490
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:50,000
I don't know.
491
00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:51,380
Deacon, what's going on?
492
00:18:51,420 --> 00:18:52,790
I don't know. Doug?
493
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:55,130
I don't know. Carrie?
494
00:18:56,550 --> 00:18:58,680
Deacon asked me
to help out with Thanksgiving.
495
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:00,930
No, Deacon asked me
496
00:19:00,970 --> 00:19:03,640
to help out
with Thanksgiving.
497
00:19:09,770 --> 00:19:12,230
Actually, I never
asked you, Carrie.
498
00:19:12,270 --> 00:19:14,070
Doug offered,
and I accepted,
499
00:19:14,110 --> 00:19:15,400
and you were great.
500
00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:17,440
It's just that Holly
might be a slightly,
501
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:18,740
slightly better cook,
502
00:19:18,780 --> 00:19:20,070
so I asked her
to step in.
503
00:19:20,110 --> 00:19:21,990
So you just stuck me in
at the last minute
504
00:19:22,030 --> 00:19:23,910
when you realized you didn't
like Carrie's cooking?
505
00:19:23,950 --> 00:19:25,910
And you just let me
walk in here
506
00:19:25,950 --> 00:19:28,200
like a friggin' idiot?
507
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:31,250
And--and now, Carrie,
who I work for, hates me?
508
00:19:31,290 --> 00:19:33,250
Ladies, ladies, ladies!
509
00:19:33,290 --> 00:19:35,300
We can eat both dinners.
510
00:19:35,340 --> 00:19:37,090
Like the Pilgrims
and the Indians,
511
00:19:37,130 --> 00:19:40,970
we'll meet and
trade beads for land.
512
00:19:42,140 --> 00:19:43,430
Or-or-or something.
513
00:19:43,470 --> 00:19:46,220
No, no, I'm leaving.
Excuse me.
514
00:19:46,260 --> 00:19:48,100
But I'll tell
you guys one thing:
515
00:19:48,140 --> 00:19:49,770
The Johnson Beagles
are about to have
516
00:19:49,810 --> 00:19:51,640
the best dinner
of their lives.
517
00:19:53,270 --> 00:19:55,150
Well, that's cleared up.
518
00:19:56,230 --> 00:19:58,320
Let me just tell you
something, okay?
519
00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:00,320
I just spent
my entire week
520
00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:02,110
taking care
of your kids,
521
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:03,490
cooking your meals,
522
00:20:03,530 --> 00:20:05,450
sharing stories
with you about my job,
523
00:20:05,490 --> 00:20:07,240
but it's over
for you, buddy,
524
00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:08,750
'cause I have a man,
525
00:20:08,790 --> 00:20:10,160
and he likes
my cooking,
526
00:20:10,210 --> 00:20:11,330
and he likes
my stories,
527
00:20:11,370 --> 00:20:12,960
and he's gonna
hear all of 'em
528
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:14,580
on the way up
to Massachusetts.
529
00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:16,170
Come on, baby!
530
00:20:20,670 --> 00:20:22,180
Yeah.
531
00:20:44,570 --> 00:20:46,240
Hi. Can I help you?
532
00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:48,370
Table for 14, please.
533
00:20:57,540 --> 00:20:59,500
So, Caplan comes down
and gives Renee
534
00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:01,340
a stack of papers to file.
535
00:21:01,380 --> 00:21:03,010
And you know she's gonna
fall flat on her face,
536
00:21:03,050 --> 00:21:04,180
because she's like...
537
00:21:04,220 --> 00:21:06,340
[DOPEY VOICE]
"Uh, which letter comes first?
538
00:21:06,390 --> 00:21:08,600
I worked down by you."
539
00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:10,220
[NORMAL VOICE]
And I can't say anything,
540
00:21:10,270 --> 00:21:11,520
because I'm gonna look bitchy,
541
00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:13,440
but who's gonna have
to read you everything
542
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:14,890
after she's done with it?
543
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:16,270
Hellooo!
544
00:21:16,310 --> 00:21:18,310
So, while she's at lunch,
545
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:20,530
I re-file everything
the right way,
546
00:21:20,570 --> 00:21:22,860
and she comes back
and catches me doing it.
547
00:21:22,900 --> 00:21:24,900
And now things are so awkward
between us,
548
00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:26,450
I don't really know
what to say to her,
549
00:21:26,490 --> 00:21:28,410
-but the truth is--
-DOUG: Oh, God!
550
00:21:28,450 --> 00:21:31,580
-Oh, my God!
-Yeah, I tripped
and I hit the door with--!
551
00:21:31,620 --> 00:21:33,870
-Are you all right?
-I killed my funny bone.
552
00:21:33,910 --> 00:21:35,620
I better go downstairs
and put some ice on it.
553
00:21:35,670 --> 00:21:37,830
-Ah!
-CARRIE: I can't believe it.
554
00:21:41,130 --> 00:21:44,590
[**]
37795
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