All language subtitles for The King of Queens (2001) - S03E24 - Pregnant Pause - pt1_track3_[eng]

[KNOCKS]

ARTHUR:
I'm in here.

Dad, it's the middle
of the night.

What are you doin' up?

ARTHUR:I didn't realize
I had a curfew.

I--I'm sorry.
I just, uh,

I need to get something.

ARTHUR:Tell me
what it is,

and I'll slide it
under the door.

Yeah. Won't work.

Um, are you gonna be long?

[NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYS]

Could be a few minutes!

SINGER: *My eyes
are gettin' weary*

*My back is gettin' tight*

*I'm sitting here
in traffic*

*On the Queensboro
Bridge tonight*

*But I don't care*

*'Cause all I want to do*

*Is cash my check and
drive right home to you*

*'Cause baby,
all my life*

*I will be driving
home to you*

Gimme somethin'
to punch.

What? What's wrong?

Gimme somethin'
to punch now!

Not a friend.

All right, don't beat up
our groceries.

Just tell me
what's wrong.

Your father's
what's wrong.

I'm tryin'
to get ready for work,

I can't even get
in the freakin' bathroom.

He spends the whole day in
there, like he's at Six Flags.

Doug, he's old.

His machinery just
takes a little longer

to rev up, that's all.

You--you--that's not all.
He's in there messin' around

with a stupid foot massager
for half an hour.

For your information,
it was a Waterpik.

Forgive me for not being
a bigger fan of gum disease.

Fine, it was
a Waterpik. My mistake.

Oh, and by the way,
one time,

try not aiming it
at the mirror.

It might work out for
you. Give her a shot.

Well, I'd probably
do better

if someone wasn't
banging on the door,

spewing hateful
invectives at me.

CARRIE: All right, Dad.

Stop taunting Doug with
words he doesn't know.

Now, both of you count to 10,
let me get out the door,

and you can start
your slap fight.

Sure, you can run
out the door,

but you can't run away

from your responsibility
in this matter.

Me? What did I do?

When you insisted
I come live here with you,

you specifically
promised me

a furnished room
with private bath.

I never said that.

You said it
with your eyes.

Doug, can we just build

a bathroom
downstairs for him?

What? No!

Why not? It's not like
he doesn't need it.

He doesn't need it.

One bathroom is fine
for this house

if he didn't nap in there.

I don't plan them.

So who's gonna
pay for this, Carrie?

Well, we can dip
into our savings.

I betcha we do the whole thing
for less than 1,000.

Oh, just a thou?
Oh, well, in that case--no.

Oh, I'm sorry, Douglas.

Were you
saving that money

for yet another
50-foot television set?

What I save my money for
is none of your business.

Fine, but bear in mind,

my bladder has me up
7 or 8 times a night,

and that laundry sink
down there

is starting to look
awfully good to me.

And checkmate! Dad wins!
Good-bye and good-bye.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

DEACON: Yeah,
come on in.

Hey, come on, man.
Let's get goin', huh?

What's up with you?

I had a crappy morning.

I gotta shell out
1,000 bucks

to build a bathroom for Arthur.
You believe that?

You never built him
a bathroom?

Hmm, that's cold.

Anyway,

it kills me the way
he manipulates Carrie.

He knows what he's doin'.

"Oh, I'm old.

I have different smells."

Well, he is pretty old.

I'm so not into you today.

Listen, don't take it
out on me, man.

I'm not havin' such
a great day myself.

-Yeah? What's up?
-Man, I went out

to marriage counseling
with Kelly last night,

and--and
it went pretty well,

so we decided to go out
to dinner after,

you know, to keep
talking, right?

-So?
-So...

so he gets all bent out
of shape just because--

Hehas a name.
Thank you.

And perhaps
Doug would like

to hear both sides
of the story, hmm?

Not that much, no.

Just let it go,
all right?

Oh, me?
I should let it go?

Um, was I the one
that said,

"I'll be home at 8:00.
Order a pizza." Was that me?

I'm tryin' to reconcile
with my wife, man.

Fine.
This is a telephone,

and it was invented
so that people

could call other people

and tell them
not to order a pizza

they have no intention
of eating.

It's a pizza. Look, just get
my half out of the fridge,

and I'll pay you
for it, all right?

-Forget it.
-No, come on, here.

I wanna end this.
Take this

and give me the rest
of the pizza. Come on.

Come on.
Come on. Come on.

I ate it, all right?

In a fit
of self-loathing,

I wolfed down an entire
large pizza by myself,

and you just made me admit
it in front of Doug!

Thank you!

[DOOR SLAMS]

-You all set?
-Yeah.

[UKRAINIAN ACCENT] And after I
finish with the framing,

I put up half-inch Greenboard.
That's very good.

Half-inch Greenboard, huh?
Is that cheapest you have?

Well, no. There
is quarter-inch.

You want that?

You know what?
That'll be fine.

Quarter-inch?
That's not very thick.

-So?
-What if you get mad at me

and try to punch
your way in?

I wanna feel
secure in there.

Quarter-inch.

-I want half-inch.
-You don't need half-inch.

I do need half-inch.

H-h-how about three-eights?

Can I have
four-eights?

Three-eights
will be fine.

If you're looking to save
some money elsewhere,

I can get for you
a deal on the toilet.

Whoa! Whoa there, Trotsky.

I already picked out what
I want in that department.

King of Prussia

in Pacific blue
or sandstone.

Arthur, this toilet
is 600 bucks!

It's ergonomically correct.

I'm not paying
600 bucks for a toilet!

Fine!

Why don't we just
dig a hole in the ground,

line it with newspapers?

Or is a nickel
still too much?

Carrie!

[FOOTSTEPS
RUNNING UPSTAIRS]

Carrie, you got to go down

and talk to your father
right now.

I'll talk to him later.

No, later's too late.
I gotta get to work,

and he's outta control
on this bathroom thing.

It took me 20 minutes
to explain

to him why
he can't have a view.

I'll deal with it later.

-I don't feel well.
-Wh-what's the matter?

I don't know.
My--my stomach's weird.

You think it's that crab taco
you had at the drive-thru?

Youhad that.

You had a bite.

No. You wouldn't
give me one.

They're
not that big.

Whatever!
It's not from that!

I gotta go. I'm so late.

Just talk to your dad
when you can, okay?

And take
some Pepto-Bismol.

It's not
that kind of thing.

-Well, then what is it?
-I don't know!

Okay! Good-bye!

[SLAM]

What the hell is it?

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Oh, wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait.

I forgot
to put my thingy in.

I'll be right back, okay?

All right.
I'll get started.

You work your way in,
like double dutch.

[HANDLE DOESN'T TURN]

[KNOCKS]

ARTHUR:
I'm in here!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

-ARTHUR:Carrie!
-Uh, yeah, Dad?

If you've got a moment,
I'd like your thoughts

on some wallpaper samples.

Uh, I'll be out
in a minute.

The contractor
likes the striped pattern,

but I'm leaning
toward the seagulls.

They're a marvelous bird,
don't you think?

Uh, Dad, I just--
I just need a minute.

Right-o. I'll wait downstairs
with the contractor.

Oh, boy.

[WHISTLING]

So, where are you
from exactly?

I was born in Kiev.

Ah, yes! Kiev.

Jewel of the Ukraine.

-You have been there?
-No.

But I hear good things

Oh, darling, good.

Here's a third
wallpaper choice

I'm also considering.

Lively cartoons of
various people in the John.

What do you think?

Uh, it's--it's fine.

I'm sensing
some hesitation.

Too randy?

Think it might
cause a stir?

I-I'm sorry, Dad.

I really can't focus
on that right now.

Alex, I think we might
have to put a pin in this

till next time.

Okay. I'll see you
tomorrow.

Hmm!

Look at this drunken fella.

Doesn't even realize
the lid's down.

Marvelous!

I'm--I'm pregnant.

Hmm?

I'm sorry, dear.
What?

I'm...

I'm...

I'm pregnant, Dad.

Well, that's terrific!

No! No,
it's not terrific!

We weren't--we weren't
trying for this now, Dad.

We just--
we just got careless.

So what, darling?

Nature works in
its own wonderful way.

This has nothing
to do with nature.

I couldn't get in the bathroom
and get what I needed,

because you were locked in
there listening to Enya!

Well, I offered to slip
your doohickey under the door.

Yeah, well, I didn't want
you to touch my doohickey.

Okay?
But that's not the point.

The point is we're not
prepared for this, Dad.

We--we barely have
enough money in the bank

to--to build you
your bathroom.

A kid is like
10 bathrooms!

And that's if we don't
let it go to college!

Oy!

Darling, many years ago,

I anticipated that
this day would come,

so I put together a plan
that would help you kids out

with your financial needs.

-You did?
-Yes.

Looking back, I wish I had
followed through on that plan.

But in my defense...

the dog races
are terribly fixed.

Dad, you know what?

It's not
your responsibility.

Doug and I made a dumb
mistake, and now--

well, I don't
even know what now.

I'll tell you one thing.

You got to talk
to Douglas right away.

I can't. I have
to go to work.

Work, schmerk!
This is your life!

You need
to hold each other.

Dad, my boss has a huge
deposition today

which starts in--

less than an hour!
I got to go.

I will tell him when I get
home from work tonight,

and don't you tell him
if he gets home first, okay?

Fine, whatever.

Dad, this is
a personal matter, okay?

I need you to look me in the
eye and swear on mom's grave

that you
won't tell him.

Pick a different grave.
How about Aunt Lottie?

Dad!

Fine. I won't tell him.

Thank you.
I love you.

Love you, too,
sweetheart.

Okay, kids,
last time I checked,

packages don't deliver
themselves. Chop, chop.

All right,
I'm outta here.

Where do you want
to meet for lunch?

Anywhere as long as it's a
castle and it's white.

-1:00?
-See you then.

Hello, Douglas!

Arthur, what
are you doing here?

Ah, nothing special.
I may be sending a package soon,

and I wanted your outfit to get
first crack at the business.

So far,
I like what I see.

Okay, once again,
what are you doing here?

Is this about
your stupid bathroom?

Not at all, but, hey, since fate
has thrown us together,

what say we pop into
the city and see Carrie?

Come on. Road trip!

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa! Whoa.

-Is Carrie okay?
-She's fine. She's fine,

but I do think you should
speak to her immediately.

There's a bit
of a situation.

Well, what is it?

I am forbidden to tell.

-Would you just tell me?!
-I'm forbidden!

Heffernan.

That thing
I said before,

that was just
chummy boss talk,

but the fact is packages really
don't deliver themselves.

I'm sorry, Mr. O'Boyle.

It's just that I have
a little family crisis.

More of a situation
actually.

-A situation, right.
-What is it?

I don't know.
He won't tell me.

I've been forbidden.

Who are you?

A concerned citizen.

He's my father-in-law.

Is it all right if I go into the
city and talk to my wife?

What?
Oh, come on, Heffernan.

I mean, I got
wife problems as well.

You don't see me
runnin' outta here

just 'cause she took
the kids back to India.

Sir, the man has a legitimate
situation to deal with at once.

Well, what the hell
is it?

Come here.

-[WHISPERING]
-Really?

Well,
that's terrific.

ARTHUR:
Wait. There's more.

Ohhh! Ooohh.

That's a shame.

All right, Heffernan,
you can go.

Come on!

W-w-w...

-What is it?!
-I'm forbidden!

BERENSON: Now, Mr. Mazzeo,
in your testimony

before the securities
and exchange commission,

you specifically mentioned
that you had no knowledge

of the pending merger.

And you signed an affidavit
to that effect as well.

Could I see that,
please, Carrie?

-Carrie?
-Hmm? I'm sorry. What? What?

Could I please see Mr. Mazzeo's
affidavit, please?

Oh. Sure, you can.

Okay, affi...affi...

affi...davit.
There you go.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

Now, Mr. Mazzeo, if I
can refer you to page 51,

specifically paragraph 5...

Oh, God, would you look
at this gas bill?

Can we put this
on a credit card?

We could if it hadn't been
scissored in half at McDonalds.

[SIGHS] What about all these
frequent flyer miles?

Can we use them
for anything?

Yeah, that's
a minus sign.

We owe them miles.

[CRASH]

Could you deal
with that, please?

Your turn!

[BABY CRYING]

CARRIE: Doug
Junior--

Oh!

Oh, okay--oh,
that's not good--

sweetie, no, no--

There we go. There we go.
There we go.

Oh! Oh!

Ooh! No, no, that's
mama's-- mama's--

no, mama's sad--
mama's sad--

[BABY TALK]

No, no, no.
No, no, no.

Dougie--
sweetie--

sweetie,
be careful--

you gotta
be careful--

play nice--
no, no--

play--
no, no--

I need that--
neat, please--

yeah, okay, baby--

[GROANING]

It's okay,
it's okay--

[GROANS]

Doug Jr., it's time to go home.

Come on, sweetie.

We have to leave now.

Hey, Dougie,

you want some ice cream?

Yeah, yeah, come on,
come on baby.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, come on.
Come on, baby.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh!

It... honey, it's OK,

ice cream. Ice cream. Yeah.

Yeah. Come get it, baby.

Honey, slow...
you gotta slow down, baby.

Baby, you gotta slow down.
Yeah.

Slow down. Slow down.

Whoo.

-BERENSON: Carrie!
-Hmm? Oh!

Can I see the transcript,
please?

Oh! Sure, I'm sorry.
There you go.

Now, Mr. Mazzeo,

on the 14th of August, you--

uh, excuse me
one moment, please.

What's going on?

Hi, I'm
Carrie's husband.

Any chance I could just
speak to her for a moment?

We're in the middle
of a deposition.

Can it wait?

I'm pretty sure
it can't,

but I'm
not positive.

I don't understand.

It's a very
sensitive matter

he's not privy to
at the moment.

You see--

-come here.
-Stop telling people!

Look, tell me!

I'm forbidden.

Doug? Dad?

Here's your husband.

Now talk to him.

I'll be
waiting in there.

Carrie, what the hell
is going on?

He won't tell me
anything.

Dad, why did you
bring him down here?

I am working.

This is more important.
Now tell him.

Doug, I--I really
can't talk right now.

The thing is,
um, I'm pregnant.

And I'm terrified
we're gonna be broke,

and I love you,
and we'll talk at home.

So, in the mood
for a knish?

They asleep?

Finally. Kirby put up
a helluva fight, though.

Had to read him
Everyone Poops4 times.

God, he's obsessed
with that book.

I think I know it
by heart now.

It's a good book, though.
I actually never realized

that everyone poops.

Yeah, well, the title
does give it away.

Anyway, I guess I should
head on back to Spence's.

Sure. Okay.

So, I'll, uh--
I'll, uh--

see you at counseling
on Thursday, right?

-Right.
-Right.

All right.

Deacon...

Yeah?

Look, I have half
a lasagna from yesterday.

I could heat it up
if you haven't already eaten.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

-Hello?
-Hey, man, it's me.

Oh, hey. Where are you?

I'm at home and I'm just gonna
hang out here for dinner, okay?

SPENCE:No problemo.

Probably be home
about 10:00.

I'll see you then.

And, hey, thanks
for the phone call.

Not so hard, was it?

You're right,
you're right. My bad.

Listen,
have a good dinner.

I'll catch you later,
buddy boy.

[TELEPHONE BEEPS OFF]

CARRIE: I'm not ready.
I'm not ready.

I am so not ready.

All right, come on,
will you just calm down.

Doug, this is
not a situation

that calls
for calming down, okay?

As a matter of fact,
why don't you calm up?!

OK, there's no such thing.

You can only calm
in one direction.

Well then maybe they
should change that.

Why are you so upset?

We wanted to have
a baby eventually, right?

Yes, eventually, Doug.
Not today.

It's like being offered
a job on Monday,

but you have
to start on Tuesday.

"Congratulations, you're
our new pregnant person!

See you at 9 A.M.!"

and I can't even tell them
that I don't want the job

because I've already
been fired from my old job

as a not-pregnant person.

I'm not even allowed
near the building!

Okay, will you stop
straightening up for a second?

I can't!
We're having a baby!

Yeah, well, he's not
dropping by tonight.

[SIGHS]
Now, listen to me.

What?

Everything
is gonna be fine.

But you have
to stop worrying.

How can I stop
worrying, Doug?

We're--we're broke,
we're unprepared,

and I drop things.

You know
your Jets mug?

That wasn't my dad.
That was me.

Come here. Will you
just listen to me?

From this moment

until the moment
Bruce is born...

Bruce?

-After Springsteen, no?
-No, but go on.

Until the moment he is born,

all the burden
is on me.

Okay, I'm gonna work overtime,
I'll get a job at night,

we'll sock away
a lot of money, okay?

And if anything comes up,
I'll take care of it.

Anything.

Well, what do I do?

You just think
happy thoughts

and grow a baby.
That's your only job.

Not counting your regular job.
We need that.

I'll try.

But I'm gonna freak out,
Doug, sometimes.

-I can't help that.
-So then you freak out.

But then you call me, okay?

'cause I'm always
wearing my phone, huh?

Oh.

Other side.
It's on the other side.

Look, it'll ring, I'll find it,
trust me.

Are we
on the same page?

I just feel bad giving
you the whole burden.

Don't feel bad.
Burden me up!

Grrrr!

All right?

Fine.

Well? Give it to me.

What? You want me
to, like,

mime giving it to you?

I think it would be a nice
symbolic gesture, yes.

All right.

That's it?

Yes.

You're lying.
I know there's more!

I know there's more.
Come on, you're holding!

Aha!

Ohhh!

Oh, that is
pure burden.

You're an idiot.

I love you.

So, should I conclude that

the storm has passed?

Yes, Dad.

And break.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]