Original subtitles

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Doug, what are you doing, it's 5:30 in the morning?

They closed down Union Turnpike,

I gotta leave for work now if I'm gonna beat the traffic.

Just go to sleep, shhhh.

Curl up like a baby bear. There you go.

OK, shhh...

It's not bad. I'm OK.

Without waking up...

do you have any idea where my work shirt would be?

Check the floor.

I got it. I got it. Go back to sleep.

You're dreaming, you're dreaming!

You're rollerblading naked with Tony Danza.

Then you're ironing his shirt.

SINGER: *My eyes are gettin' weary*

*My back is gettin' tight*

*I'm sittin' here in traffic*

*On the Queensboro Bridge tonight*

*But I don't care*

*'Cause all I want to do*

*Is cash my check*

*And drive right home to you*

*'Cause, baby, all my life*

*I will be drivin' home to you*

[NEIGHBOR'S CAR PARKS]

-Hey, Carrie. -Oh, hey, Lou.

What have you got there?

I finally decided to spring for an air conditioner.

Between my Dad and Doug, that living room can get

pretty ripe in August. You know what I'm saying?

You need any help?

Oh, no, I think I can--

actually, you're strong for a living, right?

I got it.

Thanks. You got it?

-Where do you want it? -Oh, right there is fine.

It's just gonna go in that window.

I could put it in for you. I'm free all day tomorrow.

Oh, no, no, no. That's way too nice.

Please, it's no problem.

My God, you are such a sweetheart.

And listen, if there's ever anything I can do for you--

Can you get your husband to stop making hulk jokes?

I don't think so. I'm sorry.

Although, there is one thing.

You know what? I shouldn't bother you.

No, no, no! Come on, what is it?

Well, my wife usually does it for me,

but she's out of town.

Okay...

No, nothing like that.

It's just that I have to do a posing

at a gym opening next week, and it's a last-minute thing,

and, uh--

and...come on. What is it?

Would you spread tanning cream on my body?

Attention. I.P.S. Driver in the house.

But don't worry. I come in peace.

Hey, I'm looking for Chip Diggins?

Thanks.

Chip?

Hey, man, I got a package for you.

Oh. Great.

How's it feel to be on the other side?

Hmm?

You and I, we're used to giving packages,

but now you're getting one.

It feels pretty much like you'd expect.

What, you never got a package?

Just making conversation, guy.

Doug!

Mitch! Hey, man. I haven't seen you since I.P.S.

I know, I know.

Clean up nice.

Yeah, well, I'm in personnel now.

Gotta look my best.

What brings you by?

Oh, I just had a delivery.

Really? Out here in the boonies?

Can't believe they still got you working zone 12.

Yeah. Why?

Well, it's just you were working zone 12

when I left 2 years ago.

You took some time off? Were you injured?

Oh, no, no. It's a tough route,

but, hey, they only give the tough routes

to the tough drivers, am I right?

Why? You think I should have a better route?

I don't know. But I tell you one thing.

If you worked here, hell,

you'd write your own ticket, my friend.

Really?

You kidding me? With all your experience,

hell, you'd be working Kew Gardens by now.

Kew Gardens? They got trees.

Anyway, just one man's opinion.

Ooh, Doug, love to stay and chat,

but Rodriguez ain't gonna fire himself.

Hey, it's good to see you.

Have a mug.

This is very sweet of you.

Hey, it's what neighbors do.

Don't forget my obliques.

Ok, kitten.

Hey.

So, what's for dinner?

I don't know, but whatever it is

it's gonna have a gorgeous tan.

What's the matter?

What's the matter? All these years at I.P.S.,

I'm still delivering in zone 12.

So?

12. 12!

12!

I'm familiar with the number,

but why is it bad?

Because it's the crap zone.

It's far away, it's full of potholes,

there's hookers on every corner,

and P.S., most of them are pretty skanky.

Honey, you've had this same route for years.

What's the deal today?

The deal is, you know, I ran into an old friend of mine

who works in personnel at FedEx,

and you know what he told me? If I was over there,

I could write my own ticket.

My own ticket.

I never had my own ticket!

Really? That's great.

It's just not fair, you know?

I'm at I.P.S. 8 years,

and they still treat me like a pack mule.

You know, I'm at FedEx 5 minutes,

they treat me like a valuable person,

and they give me a beautiful mug.

Where is it?

Handle snapped off.

Driving over a zone 12 pothole.

Doug, maybe it's time to think about making a move.

What do you mean?

Going to work for FedEx.

-No, no, no-- -Why not?

No, that'd be-- it's like a big deal.

I'd have to empty out my locker and...

bring home my George Foreman Grill.

All right. You know what? Fine. Do whatever you want.

LOU: Carrie?

Excuse me. I have to go finish off Lou.

Now, come on, Carrie.

I wasn't sayin' I wanted to change jobs.

I was just blowin' off steam.

You know, I'm pretty happy where I am.

Now you're happy. Five seconds ago

you were ranting about how they treat you like an animal.

-The beer's kicked in. -All right, you know what?

I don't want to get involved, because when I do,

you just drive me crazy. So, you drink your beer,

and I'll spread my tanning cream.

Fine.

Besides, I just don't think I'd fit in over at FedEx.

What are you talkin' about?

It's the same exact job you do now.

Only in a blue uniform.

There you go. I can't wear blue.

You said yourself, I'm an autumn.

All right. Maybe you don't have

to actually take the job at FedEx,

but could you at least... Forget it.

-What? -No, never mind. Forget it.

Doug, I think Carrie's sayin' that you could use the heat

from FedEx to put the screen on I.P.S.

Thank you.

Doug, you're hot. You're in play.

-Use it. -It works.

I got a nice rate on the hulk

when they wanted me on the bionic woman.

Huh, huh? The bionic woman.

-Hey. -Hey, man.

So, the new boy seems okay, huh?

Yeah. Good-lookin' guy.

I guess. Just seems to me,

if you're secure in your manhood,

you don't need to look all...

attractive.

Zone one. All right!

Zone one?

He's been here a week, he gets zone one?!

It took me 4 years to get zone one.

I never had it!

I gotta tell you, man, I am so fed up

with the way I get treated around here.

O'BOYLE: Hey, how you doing?

Don't tell me. Tell O'Boyle.

-Maybe I will. -Go ahead.

Oh, I'm gonna go. I'm going.

-Okay, go! -Oh, it's on, baby.

Do it, man!

It's done.

Just give me a little push.

Oh!

-Sorry. -How 'bout dinner and drinks

before you get that close, huh, Chief?

-Supervisor O'Boyle? -Yeah, Doug, what up?

Uh...it just happened to come to my attention

that you assigned the new guy to zone one.

Yeah?

Well, it's just that that's the best zone.

I mean, is that like a welcome to the company kind of thing

instead of a basket or...?

No. No, that's his zone.

Although, he did get the basket, too.

Plus, I think, some coupons for loews theaters.

I guess I just don't understand

why the new guy lucks out with a zone

that's all light packages for suburban housewives?

Well, look at the guy, Doug.

Come on. He's gorgeous.

Listen, I gotta jump on the horn.

Somehow 100 pints of plasma

wound up at tavern on the green.

I got a very angry maitre d' to deal with.

-I'm in play. -Pardon?

Yeah. You know, I didn't want to say anything,

but I got a lot of heat on me.

Lotta heat.

What are you saying?

You saying there's another company interested in you?

Ah, yes, there is.

Who?

Well, I'm really not at liberty

to disclose that information.

Let's just say it ends in "X."

Gas-x?

-FedEx. -Whoa. FedEx. Wow.

Now, if we could come to some kind of agreement,

you know, regarding my route,

I'd be happy to tell FedEx

to overnight their offer

to where the sun don't shine.

Ha ha ha.

Puttin' the squeeze on the ol' boss, huh?

Maybe just a touch.

Well, you're a good worker, Doug, and I'd hate to lose you,

so what's it gonna take to make you happy?

-Zone one. -No can do. Anything else?

Zone 2?

2? That's right next to one.

Then zone 3 or 4. It doesn't matter.

Anything with single digits.

Mmm, nope. Nope. No way.

Tell you what? If you can wait a year,

I can get you 13.

I'm in 12 now!

Well, listen, Doug. I'm trying to work with you.

What do you want from me?

I want the respect that I deserve. You know?

I've been here 8 years, and I'm a good driver.

I should have zone one.

And if I don't get it, I'll--

You'll what?

I'll, you know-- I'm gonna quit.

Ok, Doug. You win.

Boy, I'm gonna catch hell for this,

but here's what I'm gonna do.

From now on, zone 12 renamed zone one

and vise versa.

That's the same zone! That doesn't help at all!

Well, I'm all out of ideas, Doug.

Listen, you gotta do what you gotta do, okay?

So, good luck over there at gas-x.

FedEx.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hey, there, Louis.

Is this a good time for me to put in the air conditioner?

Yeah, you bet. Come on in.

Oh, by the way,

how do you like my tan?

Hmm... I don't like it.

-Really? Iloveit!

No kidding.

Lou, you look fantastic.

A dark, rich, even tan in March?

God, that stuff is amazing.

The best you can buy.

God, look at me compared to you.

I look so pale and pasty.

-You look fine. -No, I'm white as a sheet.

I look like I'm touring with mummenschanz.

You want me to get you a couple bottles?

Really?

Yeah, thank you.

-Hey. -Hey, honey.

-Hey, Lou. -Doug.

Uh, honey, could I talk to you

in the kitchen alone... or something?

Oh, you don't have to go anywhere.

You know I'm hard of hearing,

and I won't read your lips. I promise.

All right. Fine. I lost my job today.

What?!

Sorry.

You lost your job?

-Yeah. -What happened?

I tried to bluff O'Boyle with the FedEx thing,

and he didn't bite. He just let me walk out.

Well, why the hell were you talking to O'Boyle?

'cause you kept saying how much heat I had on me,

that I was in play!

I thought you wanted me to talk to him!

Not without preparation,

some rehearsal, some index cards!

For the love of God, I didn't want you to just wing it!

Well, too late. It's already...wung.

Well, you know what?

So, you just go back

and tell O'Boyle it was a mistake.

You know what? You tell him

that you were dehydrated and exhausted.

Oh, better yet, tell him you mixed pills and booze

and you had a bad reaction.

You do understand my job is driving?

All right.

Well, you know what? Maybe this is not so bad.

I mean, they still love ya at FedEx.

Go, FedEx! Woof!

Yeah!

Hey, Mitch.

Doug! Hey, you got another delivery for us?

Yup. A 250-pound package of Doug Heffernan.

-What? -I left I.P.S.

Really! Why?

Well, let's just say they pushed

and I pushed back. Shall we talk?

Come on. Sure. Come on in my office.

Gonna be great if I can get a route in Rego Park.

That way, I could stop home for lunch.

But...hey. Not a deal-breaker.

So...why should the FedEx company hire Doug Heffernan?

What?

What would a Doug Heffernan bring to FedEx?

I-I'd bring myself.

And my lunch if I don't get Rego Park.

[CHUCKLING]

No, I think I'd, uh...

hey,cast away.Whoa...

No, I'd bring a lot of things.

I'm a real good,

dependable driver, you know, um...

I've got a pleasant personality. I'm relatively hygienic.

And I've been told I'm quite the cutup.

Cutup. Uh-huh.

And where do you see yourself in the future?

You got a 5-year plan?

5 years? Uh, yeah.

I hope to be still delivering packages,

only in a hovercraft. [ENGINE SOUND]

Hey, package for Mr. Spacely!

You are quite the cutup. Here's the thing, though.

We're really not hiring at the moment.

-What? -Yeah.

We're a little lean and mean right now, so...

You just told me how great I was,

how if I was here, I could write my own ticket!

That was just friends talking. What am I gonna say,

you're the heaviest I've ever seen you?

I quit my job!

Doug, look, tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'll leave your application on file.

I don't want my application on file, man.

That's a death warrant! Look, Mitch,

I can do this job. I want this job.

Look at this. See? Hey, FedEx calling. Rrrah!

Mitchell, Mitch, Mitch, listen to me.

I am not leaving this building until you hire me.

Now, we both know I'm the man for the job.

Look in my eyes! See the passion?

I know you're thinking deep down inside,

I'm gonna roll the dice on this kid.

Security.

Morning, baby.

What ya doing?

-Looking through the want ads. -Doug--

I'm looking through the want ads. Leave me alone!

Would you just call O'Boyle?

He's dead to me.

You are just so damn stubborn!

Just crawl back and take your crap.

I do it.

For God's sakes, my boss, he throws his shoes at me!

I just duck and get on with my life.

That's you, okay? I want more out of my job, okay?

I want happiness, I want respect,

and I'm gonna get it, even if that means...

slaughtering pigs for 6 bucks an hour.

All right. You know what, Doug?

If you wanna find a new job,

then--then I support you.

Thank you.

Honey, didn't Lou tell you

to go easy on that tanning cream?

Yeah? So?

So? How many coats is that?

One!

Okay, maybe 3.

Doug, you don't understand.

People have been telling me I've never looked better.

This stuff is magic!

Well, Dougie ain't got no job now,

and that magic costs 18 bucks a bottle,

so slap on a coat of sealant and call it a day!

Fine!

Besides...I can live without the smeared brown handprints

all over the house.

It's starting to look like a crime scene.

I said fine!

Aha! Look at this right here! Look! Look!

Look what I found, miss doubting Thomasina!

"Metro Courier service in Midtown Manhattan.

"experienced delivery personnel needed immediately.

Good pay. Flexible hours."

Well, looks like daddy landed back on his feet!

-[BLOWS WHISTLE] -[CAR HORNS HONKING]

Respect the signal, dude!

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Doug?

Carrie?

Hey, honey!

My God! How much of that tanning stuff are you using?

-None. -None?

You look like seal!

For your information,

I had lunch outside today.

Well, unless you had it 8 feet from the sun,

I'd say you got a roaring tanning cream addiction.

Can we forget about me, please? What are you doing?

Whose bike is this?

Metro Courier's.

You're a... bike messenger?

A bike courier,

and I happen to enjoy it.

Oh, come on. You can't be enjoying this.

Yeah, well, I do.

Doug, I am begging you,

let's cut you outta those pants

and get you back to I.P.S., please!

No. You know what?

If they can live without me,

I can live without them. All right?

Now, if you will excuse me,

I need to figure out a way

to pedal through the midtown tunnel.

[YELLS] No seat!

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

-Hey, there! -Hey, Doug!

What brings you by?

I just wanted to drop off all my uniforms.

I had 'em martinized for you.

I don't know what that means, but it cost me a buck extra.

Well, thanks.

So how's your job there at FedEx?

Actually, you know what? I passed on 'em. Yeah.

You know what it is?

Didn't quite work into my 5-year plan.

Didn't see it happening. Went over to metro courier.

Good outfit.

Oh. Those the guys deliver on skates?

No, no, no, no. They stopped doin' that years ago

when they lost a few guys.

It's all scooters and bikes. I'm on a bike.

It's very pleasant, actually. Verypleasant.

You want your job back, don't ya?

Certainly do. Yes.

What about this...

respect thing? You still into that?

Not so much. No. No.

I think once you been violated by a 10-speed,

your priorities kinda change.

I heard that. All right.

You can come back, Doug. See you in the morning.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

You know that thing you said about,

you know, calling zone 12 zone 1?

I think I might be willing to go for that after all.

Nah. You see, Doug, if I let you do it,

then everybody's gonna want to rename their zone zone 1.

You know, it's a slippery slope, my friend.

Okay, what if... you and I just call it zone 1

when we're alone?

Alone? What are you getting at?

Forget it.

How about giving me a welcome basket?

Doug, again with the slippery...

Well, look, man, I been here 8 years!

You gotta give me something!

Movie passes?

All right. What the hell?

All right.

Welcome back, Doug.

Well, thank you. It's nice to be back, sir.

And good to be appreciated.

Wait a sec. These... these passes have expired.

It's cool. It's cool. It's cool. It's cool.

You know what? If they can live without me,

I can live without them.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need a way to--

MAN: One more time!

No, no. If they can live without me,

I can live without them.

Okay? Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to figure out a way to p--

I'm laughing at--

You know what?

If they can't live without me,

then I can't live without them.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]