All language subtitles for The King of Queens (2000) - S03E10 - Work Related_track3_[eng]

* My eyes
are gettin' weary *

* My back is gettin' tight *

* I'm sittin' here
in traffic *

* On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight *

* But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do *

* Is cash my check and drive
right home to you *

* 'Cause, baby,
all my life *

* I will be drivin' home
to you *

Check it out.

Whips and Chains.

What's the matter?
My back rub's not doing it
for you anymore?

Page 24.

Oh, my God!

What is he
doing to him?

Oh, I'm sorry, 42.

Yeah, but whatis
he doing to him?

Come on! 42! Page 42.

OK, all right.
Come on...

There it is.
Look right there.

"Ebony God seeks

dominant professional
type for late-night
spank sessions."

"Full dungeon."

Where are we at
here, Doug?

The phone number.
Look. It's Deacon's
phone number.

I put the ad in there
to get back at him.

Are you two still
having that stupid
practical joke war?

You bet your
sweet bananas we are.

How great is this?
He's probably getting
calls from S&M freaks...

oh...right about now.

Doug, the man
has children.

And he should have
thought of that

before he put a sign
on my back that said
"I love butter."

Actually, it said
"I heart butter,"

but that's what it meant.

But you do heart butter.

That's my business,
not the whole world's, OK?

Morning, all.

Morning.
Hey.

Whips and Chains.

Good for you, kids.

Just be safe.

Good-bye.
Bye.

Darling, I have a legal matter
I need your assistance with.

What are you
talking about?

I was down
on the boardwalk
last night,

and I paid a fellow
$12 to draw my portrait.

Look at this.
Look!

Heh. That's funny.

It's not funny.
It's humiliating.

People were gathered around
laughing, having a great time
at my expense.

All right, so what do
you want to do? You want
to sue the artist?

Well, I estimate
I endured $1 million worth
of pain and suffering.

Between you and me,
I'd settle out of court
for 8 grand.

Well, good luck
with that.

So, you're not
gonna help me?

Dad, how am I supposed
to help you?

I'm not a lawyer,
and I think
the picture's hilarious.

Oh, so that how
it's going to be.

Well, thank you
very little!

Uh...excuse me, but what
do you think I do there?

I'm a secretary.
The lawyers handle the law.

I type and make sure
they're not thirsty.

Would it kill you
to show them this picture
as you hand them a Snapple?

Dad...would you stop it?
I mean, for God's sakes,

you've never expressed any
interest in my job until now,

when you need something.
That's not true!

Oh, really?
Have you ever once
come down to visit me?

Do you have any idea
what I actually do there?

How I actually spend my day?
No, you don't.

Well, you have no idea
how I spend my day.

You sit around
in your underwear, and you
make crank phone calls.

Those were inquiries!

Hey, Carrie...
Hmm?

Can you tell
if this milk is good?

[SNIFFS]

What's the date on it?
Yesterday.

I don't know.
Who's it for?

Delpozzo.
It's fine.

Here she is,
Mr. Spooner.

Well, thank you,
young man.

Dad, what are
you doing here?

Does this have anything to do
with that stupid caricature?

No, no. I was
just reflecting on
your comments earlier,

and I realized
you were right.

I should take
a more active interest
in your life.

So, here I am.

Really?
Absolutely.

Dad, that's...
That's so sweet.
Thank you.

Well, instead of
thanking me, how about
giving me a grand tour?

OK, well, I don't know
how grand it is,
but here goes!

Wow me.

OK, um...
All right, well...

this whole area here
is where we keep files

relating
to our pending cases.

Uh-huh, and you file
them alphabetically or...

Alphabetically, yes.

That's a marvelous
sorting system.

And, uh, this is
the coffee area.

This is where
I get my boss,
you guessed it, coffee.

Tell me, do you use
a percolator?

Drip.
Drip.

Fancy!

And then we're back
at my desk, and that's
basically the tour.

Well, thank you for that
behind-the-scenes peek.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]
Oh, that's my phone.

I have to get that.

Good. Now I get
to see you in action.

Mr. Grossman's office.

Oh, he's at lunch.
May I take a message?

You're good.

Take the ad out, now.

Ad? I don't have any
time to place any ads.

I'm too busy
hearting butter.

Just cancel it, OK?

There they are...
Butch Cassidy and
the dumb-ass kid.

Hey, Spero.
How's it going, man?

Oh, terrible. My deliveries
are spread all over town.

Kind of like your mother,
Heffernan.

You know, guy,
enough.

Listen, Rico just
pulled out of the calendar.

Now we're gonna need
a new Mr. April.

What calendar?

The Men of IPS
Calendar.

You know, to raise money
for some juvenile
something-or-other.

You know.
What do you say,
guys, huh?

Well, I'm assuming you
want to sell a couple
of these things,

so that let's him out.
Sure. I'll do it.

Whoa, whoa,
what the hell's that
supposed to mean?

It's supposed to mean
that ebony god is probably
a better choice

than pasty doughboy.

So that's how
it's gonna be, huh?

You know what?
I'll do the calendar.

Yeah, well, I want to do it.

Whoa, whoa, if you're
both interested,

I'm going to have to let
the guys upstairs decide.

They're gonna need snapshots,
and you gotta fill out
this bio stuff.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

All right,
whoever gets it should know

the shoots gonna be here
Friday night after work.
I'm doing it.

Well, let the games
begin, Mr. Palmer.

That's Mr. April to you.

No, no, no, no, no.
I'm Mr. April.

You're Mr. March-
Your-Cocoa-Buns-
Out-of-Here, yeah.

Yeah. What's up?
What's up?

I hate it when
they get stuck.
[LAUGHS]

Well, thanks for lunch, Dad.
That was really nice.

Yeah, those Chinese
make a delightful bowl
of rice.

Actually, it was Benihana.
It's Japanese.

6 of 1.

Well, I'm off.
Got a boatload of things
to put in my diary.

All right. Well, thanks
for coming, Dad.
That was great.

Pleasure was all mine.
Enjoy the rest
of your day.

OK.

Give that gal
a promotion!

Your dad seems to be
an OK fella.

He is. Thanks.

Treasure him, Carrie.
Do you know,

sometimes we hear
what our elder
statespeople say,

but we don't listen.

Uh...what's the difference?

Well, to hear
is just to hear,
but to listen, that's...

hearing and then some.

Got it.

By the way,
I wanted to mention
if he's interested,

we've started
a senior jobs program
here. You know,

something to give
the old people a sense
of dignity and purpose.

Pays 3.50 an hour.

So, wh-what are you saying?
You want my dad to work here?

Every day?
If he's interested.

Oh, that's awfully nice,
but no...I don't...no.

You sure?

Y-y-yeah, he wouldn't
be interested. N-no, yeah.

Well, it's out there.

OK.
OK.

What ya got going
there, Fonzie?

Ah, there's this IPS
Calendar for charity.

Deacon and I are both
going for the last spot.

Doug, uh, can I bounce
something off you?

Yeah, you know what?
Take my picture first,
though.

I just--I need it
for a, uh--

There you go.
Whoa!

What the hell!
You got, like,
half my face!

Well, honey,
I need to talk to you
about something.

All right, but I need
a good picture.

All right.
Well, stand over there.
The light's better.

Over there.
Over there.

OK, but don't
take it yet.
I'm not ready yet.

Let me get set here.
So, what's the problem?

All right. So, there's
this part-time job
available at my office,

and Mr. Pruzan said
my dad could have it
if he wanted it.

Are you ready yet?
Yeah, yeah.

OK.
Wait!

W-wait!
What's my best look?

Should I smile?

Or pout, like this...

All right, well,
if those are my choices,
I reluctantly take pout.

I said pout,
not constipated.

All right, so what do you
think I should do?

Do you think I should
let dad work at my office?

No!

[SEDUCTIVELY]
No...

I did say no, but I feel
terrible about it.

I mean, he has nothing else
going on in his life.

I mean, nothing.
Sure he does.

He gets that magazine
now, right?

He'd love to work there,
too. I mean, you should
have seen him today.

He had this
little peppy bounce
in his step,

like--like after he
takes his blue pills.

So then let him work there.

I can't!
Because every second

I'll be worried
if he's going
to say something

or do something
to embarrass me.

You know he tipped
one of the partners
today...

and not a lot.

OK, and it's just about up,

and here we come,
comin' into focus now.

And...

wow.

Time to cram some fake crap

into my bio.

I can't let him work there.
You know why?

Because if he works there,
then I'll go crazy.

If I go crazy,
then they fire me.

If they fire me,
we lose the house

and he has to live in a crate.

So really,

I'm doing this for him.

Right?

Okay, good.

Morning, Dad.

Morning, cupcake.

See, you're busy,
that's great.

It's great to be busy,
isn't it?

You're a busy,
busy little bee, huh?

Heh. Well, I am
just gonna head out to work,

and let you get back
to your reading.

What are you reading,
an instruction book?

Yeah.
For the electric knife.

Do we have an electric knife?
I didn't see one,

but if it ever turns up,
I'll be ready.

Great. Great.

Now, where are my glasses?

The print on this
warranty card is so tiny.

Here you go.
Oh, thank you, darling.

You're a good daughter.

Please, it's...

Well, okay.

Bye-bye.

Have a good day at work.
Okay.

Dad...

...get your coat.

ARTHUR:
* Oh, ba boppity beep beep *

* Boppity boo boo
be ba ba ba ba baaaah *

Here you go, young lady.
Your mail, and what's this
in your ear?

A mint, for you!

Uh, OK, thank you.
You're very welcome.

Oh, hello, miss.

I'm sorry,
I forget the name.

What do you got there, Dad?

You got some mints?

I'm giving them out
to everyone with the mail.

It's an ice breaker.

You start off
by talking about the mints,

the next thing you know,
you're pals.

I learned that
on an airplane

sitting next
to a Mr. Gil Gerard.

I guess I just wish you weren't
reaching into people's ears.

Darling, you are so cute.

It's not really
in their ear.

I palm it.

Even so.

Pardon me,
my duties await.

Hey, Eddie,
got an airmail for ya.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, it's
Doug Half-a-man.

Half-a-man instead of
Heffernan. That's funny.
I like that. That's good.

Hey, what you got there,
peanut butter?

Yep.

I like peanut butter.
It spreads nice and easy.

Speaking of which,
my mother says hi.

What do you want?

Actually, you know what?
It's about the calendar.

I just thought that, you
know, if you could put
in a good word for me

with the PR guys,
and while you were
doing that,

I could load your truck
or do your rounds.

Doug, save your breath.
You're in.

Really? I got it?
Yeah, I don't know

what the guys up there
are sniffing,

but it's all you there,
Lumpy.

All right, thanks.

Hey, Spero, I forgot.

Who did you say
they were picking
for the calendar?

You the man.

What?!

I'm the man.

Now, I'm confused, see.
So you're saying
that Mr. Palmer here...

not the man.
That's right.

Well, I can't believe it.
What the hell are
they thinking upstairs?

It wasn't what they were
thinking, I don't think,

so much as what
they were feeling.
You know what I'm saying?

'Cause sexy is sexy!

You drive safe, now.

Carrie? Have you seen
your father?

I've got a bunch
of outgoing mail.

Oh, you're looking
for Arthur?

He just went into
the conference room.

Now? But...I thought
the partners
were in there

meeting with
those congressmen from
the Finance Committee.

All I know is Arthur
just walked in there
with a big bag of mints.

All right.
You're dreaming, Carrie.
Just wake up!

Wake up!
Wakey, wakey!
OK...

Crap!

And then another time--

Ah, excuse me.
Hi, Dad.

Listen, uh, people
are out there asking
for their mints.

Sweetheart, I was
in the middle--

Yeah, he gets a little
confused sometimes.
Come on, buddy.

Let's not bother these
nice people anymore.

He's not bothering us.
We just asked him to
recommend a good deli.

Oh...OK, good.

You've got the right guy
here, I'll tell ya.

You know what we call
him: the Deli Lama.
That's him, OK.

All right...
Oh--Oh. You don't--
Yeah, OK, good. Bye...

Darling, I'm going now.

Going? I thought
you worked until 4:00.

Actually, I was let go.

What? They fired you?

Apparently
there wasn't room
in the budget for me.

Dad, that's absurd.
They pay you less
than minimum wage.

Excuse me.
Uh, Mr. Pruzan, why did
you guys fire my dad?

We didn't.
He quit.

Oh, you must
be mixed up.
I was let go.

Sir, you just came up to me
and said, "I quit."

It was merely
to save face
after I was fired.

Who fired you?

Why, Boss Terwilliger.

Dad, what are you
talking about?

Look, I was fired, OK?
Fired.

And that's all I have
to say on the subject.

There is
no Boss Terwilliger.

I know.
OK.

Doug, come on.
I'm growing
a beard here.

There he is.
Very nice.

I don't know.
You don't think
it looks too stupid?

It's for a charity.
Every month
has a gimmick.

You're
the April-Showers Guy.

Just be happy you're
not Baby New Year.

Yeah, I guess
I caught a break there.

All right.
Nice and loose here.
Nice and loose.

Ready to work?
OK, you're thinking,

"Boy, I've got
a special delivery for you!"

That's it! Right.
Give me that precious look.

Work the dolly.
Work the dolly.

Work the umbrella.
Come on, work the umbrella.

Kind of scoot around it.
That's it. That's it.

Give me that--
A little more precious.

Not that, no.
That! That's the money!

That's the money. Yes!

OK. Good. Good.
Your--Your tie's
a little crooked there.

OK.

Just a little--
Like this?

No, no,
the other side.
Here. Let me get it.

It's going so well.
Yeah. That's better.

Now, I want you to let
all your natural charm
just seep out, huh?

OK, yeah.

Man, are you firm!

Wow. Working out, huh?
Nice traps.

Huh?

Nice traps.

Yeah. Ahem.
Mmm!

How about, uh...

we get back
to the calendar there?

We got some juveniles
to save, huh?

Wow! That's
a lot of boy.

Yeah.

Doug, uh...

I got to level with you.

There's no juveniles.

N-no juveniles?
No juveniles.

No juveniles,
no calendar...

Just you, me...

[SIGHS]

...and a whole lot
of sexual tension.

Not gettingthat.
Come on, Doug.

Wrap those
linebackin'
meathooks around me

and pull me
into the huddle.

What's going on here, man?
Whoa! What are you telling me?

Are you telling me
you're gay?

I'm notgaygay.

I'm what you call
bi-curious.

Right, whatever.
Look, I got to go, man.

I'm really late
for something...not gay.

Oh, God! I should've
never done this.

Hey, don't tell anybody
about this, huh?

All right, look, Spero,
I'm not going to tell
anybody you're gay, OK?

Thanks, Doug.
Thanks, man.

OK.

Hey, Doug, thanks.

OK. All right, man.
OK. There you go.

Gotcha!

[ALL LAUGHING]

Hey, Heffernan.

You are looking good!

DEACON: Oh, man! You
should've seen your face.

"I got to go
somewhere...not gay."

[LAUGHTER]

All right, guys,
knock it off.

Enough, enough,
all right?

Leave him alone.
You all right, pal?

Yeah, I'm OK.

Good. Want to go
to the prom with me?

Yeah, funny, man!
You guys are funny.
Funny stuff, guys!

It was a goof, Porks.

I'd tell you
to lighten up,

but that might be
hard for you.

You know what, man?
I had enough of
your crap, man!

Hey, keep your hands
off me.

Oh! God, oh!

What the hell
did you do?

He came at me.
You saw it.

Oh, God. Oh, God,
it's broken, man.

Oh, my God.
He's really hurt.

It's broken!

Somebody get some help now!
Now!

Look, it was just
a joke, man. You OK?

Just a joke.

It's catsup.
Mmm!

But it tastes
like victory!

Man!

You knew
the whole time!

Oh, yeah, man!
You kiddin' me?

Spero told me
this morning.

See, you thought
you were getting me,

but I flipped her
around on you!

Yabba dabba!

Nice work. Can I
get the film now?

Eh. It's digital.
That way, it'll go
right on the Internet.

Sweet!

[ELEVATOR BELL RINGS]

Hello.

Dad, where have you been?

I have been trying
to call you for hours!

Uh, I just went up
to the roof to think.

Gets a little breezy
86 floors up,

especially when
the helicopters
are landing.

Dad, look,
about what happened today,

I want--

Darling, can I tell you
a little story?

Sure.

Look, when I was
8 years old,

I was chosen
from dozens of boys

to sing a solo
fromAve Maria

at my church
choir recital.

It was
the greatest honor
of my young life.

The night
of the recital,

my father was
sitting right
in the second row.

He heckled me.

Heckled you?

Oh, yeah.

He called it
tough love,

said it would
make be a better
choir singer.

But I was
mortified.

Yeah. Dad, that's--
That's terrible.

Today you had
the same look
on your face as I did

at my recital.

I'm sorry if
I embarrassed you, Carrie.

Dad, no.
No, no, no, no.

You didn't do anything wrong.

I completely overreacted.

I guess sometimes I feel
like I have to walk around
apologizing for you,

but that's--
That's my problem.

That's all me.

Well, perhaps
my prior antics

have left you
a bit gun-shy.

Well, true.
I could've done
without your bomb jokes

at La Guardia last month.

But even so, I'm sorry
about the way I acted.

I--I was touched that you
wanted to, you know,
be part of my life.

I love you, sweetheart.

I love you, too, Dad.
You know what?

Why don't we forget
about all this
and start fresh?

Tomorrow I will talk
to Pruzan

and get your job back.

No, no.
I wouldn't hear of it.

To be honest, I find
this place mind-numbing.

How you work here

and not put
a bullet in your head
is beyond me.

Well, can I at least
buy you a hot dog
on the corner?

I'll go for that.
OK.

[ELEVATOR BELL RINGS]

[SOPRANO VOICE]
* Ave Maria *

CARRIE: Dad!

You call that
singing?!

[BOY CONTINUES
SINGING BEAUTIFULLY]

You sound like
a little girl!

[BOY CONTINUES SINGING]

Nice haircut!

Use a bigger bowl
next time!

That's my boy.

[**]