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1
00:00:02,500 --> 00:00:04,580
[**]
2
00:00:04,620 --> 00:00:06,210
[CHANGES CHANNEL]
3
00:00:06,250 --> 00:00:08,290
Whoa, wait a minute.
Leave that.
[DRAMATIC THEME PLAYING ON TV]
4
00:00:08,340 --> 00:00:11,260
-What is it?
-I don't know,
but Jimmy Smits is in it.
5
00:00:11,300 --> 00:00:13,220
That's all I need to know.
6
00:00:13,260 --> 00:00:15,550
Ah, so you likee Jimmy,
do ya?
7
00:00:15,590 --> 00:00:18,010
Honey, I love you more
than anyone in the world,
8
00:00:18,050 --> 00:00:19,510
but if I actually had
a shot at him,
9
00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:22,020
I'd have to shove you
in front of a bus.
10
00:00:22,060 --> 00:00:23,690
OK, fair enough.
11
00:00:23,730 --> 00:00:24,730
So, uh, do I get one?
12
00:00:24,770 --> 00:00:27,190
-One what?
-A fantasy person.
13
00:00:27,230 --> 00:00:28,770
You know, it's like
we each get to pick
14
00:00:28,820 --> 00:00:30,860
that one person on the planet
15
00:00:30,900 --> 00:00:33,030
that if by some crazy fluke,
16
00:00:33,070 --> 00:00:34,570
we actually got a chance
to be with them,
17
00:00:34,610 --> 00:00:38,200
the other just has to grin
and let it happen.
18
00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:40,870
All right, I like it.
19
00:00:40,910 --> 00:00:42,080
So, you're goin' with Jimmy?
20
00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:44,370
Ah-- Gimme a second,
will ya?
21
00:00:45,330 --> 00:00:48,590
It's a big planet.
I don't want to blow it.
22
00:00:48,630 --> 00:00:50,670
OK, do the Baldwin brothers
count as one?
23
00:00:50,710 --> 00:00:53,720
No.
OK...
24
00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:56,050
Um, Mel Gibson.
25
00:00:56,090 --> 00:00:57,970
-You sure?
-Yeah, yeah, I'm sure.
26
00:00:58,010 --> 00:00:59,930
You can't go wrong
with Mel.
27
00:00:59,970 --> 00:01:01,310
OK.
28
00:01:01,350 --> 00:01:03,020
All right, who's yours?
[CLEARS THROAT]
29
00:01:03,060 --> 00:01:06,390
Um, Julia Roberts...?
30
00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:07,940
Nah.
31
00:01:07,980 --> 00:01:09,730
I think I'm just gonna go with
that girl that does your nails.
32
00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:11,150
Good night!
33
00:01:14,650 --> 00:01:17,240
[**]
34
00:01:27,620 --> 00:01:29,830
Ahem. All right,
are you comfortable?
35
00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:31,090
Ready to go?
I'm ready.
36
00:01:31,130 --> 00:01:35,170
OK. Got the movie,
got a box of Dots,
37
00:01:35,220 --> 00:01:36,510
a box of Milk Duds,
38
00:01:36,550 --> 00:01:39,550
and...a backup box
of Dots.
39
00:01:39,590 --> 00:01:43,640
Doug, when you plan
a Saturday night,
look out!
40
00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:46,890
Dot me, baby.
OK, there you are.
41
00:01:48,270 --> 00:01:49,440
Oh, I didn't know
42
00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:51,610
we were gonna watch
a motion picture.
43
00:01:51,650 --> 00:01:52,900
Hi, Dad.
44
00:01:52,940 --> 00:01:55,400
You should warn a fella
when it's movie night.
45
00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:59,700
Actually, we, uh,
we assumed that
you had other plans.
46
00:01:59,740 --> 00:02:00,700
Well, you're in luck.
47
00:02:00,740 --> 00:02:03,870
Tonight, my dance card
is wide open.
48
00:02:04,830 --> 00:02:05,950
All right.
49
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:09,080
So what have we here--
shoot 'em up, sci-fi,
50
00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:11,960
erotic thriller?
51
00:02:15,420 --> 00:02:17,050
It's a mystery,
I think.
52
00:02:17,090 --> 00:02:19,260
Oh, nothing like
a good whodunit.
53
00:02:19,300 --> 00:02:22,050
Shh. OK,
here we go. Come on.
54
00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:23,510
"FBI warning,
55
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:27,730
federal law
provides severe
civil and criminal--"
56
00:02:27,770 --> 00:02:28,980
Fast forwarding.
57
00:02:29,020 --> 00:02:31,520
All right.
Here we go.
58
00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:32,940
[DRAMATIC THEME PLAYING ON TV]
59
00:02:32,980 --> 00:02:36,480
"Pentagon, October 1962.
60
00:02:36,530 --> 00:02:39,320
On the eve of the Cuban
missile crisis--"
61
00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:41,200
Arthur...
62
00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:42,870
we can read.
63
00:02:42,910 --> 00:02:45,040
A thousand pardons.
64
00:02:49,540 --> 00:02:52,580
Why is that guy
shaving his beard?
65
00:02:52,630 --> 00:02:54,750
Did I get here
before you?
66
00:02:54,790 --> 00:02:57,460
I'm just trying
to follow the story,
Douglas.
67
00:02:57,510 --> 00:02:59,170
Well, that's fine.
Just follow it
without talking.
68
00:02:59,220 --> 00:03:00,180
Could you do that?
69
00:03:00,220 --> 00:03:01,760
Shh.
Not me, him. Shh!
70
00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:02,890
Shh.
Shh.
71
00:03:02,930 --> 00:03:03,930
Shhhh!
Shhhh!
72
00:03:03,970 --> 00:03:05,640
Hey!
73
00:03:13,980 --> 00:03:16,820
[WHISPERING]
What did he put
into that bag?
74
00:03:18,530 --> 00:03:20,990
Arthur, every time
you ask me a question,
75
00:03:21,030 --> 00:03:22,070
I can't watch the movie.
76
00:03:22,110 --> 00:03:23,370
Then I don't know
what's going on!
77
00:03:23,410 --> 00:03:24,990
Then you should
get a simpler movie!
78
00:03:25,030 --> 00:03:26,660
Oh, I'm getting a beer.
79
00:03:26,700 --> 00:03:28,790
Crack one for me,
will ya?
80
00:03:28,830 --> 00:03:30,500
Yeah.
81
00:03:34,250 --> 00:03:35,670
Aw, look at you.
82
00:03:35,710 --> 00:03:38,210
Babe, you're
missing the movie.
83
00:03:38,250 --> 00:03:40,630
God, the universe is so big.
84
00:03:40,670 --> 00:03:43,260
Why did he have
to end up here?
85
00:03:43,300 --> 00:03:45,470
Why couldn't he be...
86
00:03:46,850 --> 00:03:48,310
like, there?
87
00:03:48,350 --> 00:03:49,970
OK, you know what?
88
00:03:50,020 --> 00:03:51,390
Tonight,
when he's sleeping,
89
00:03:51,430 --> 00:03:54,480
I'm gonna hold
a pillow over his face.
90
00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:56,150
What--
nothing for that?
91
00:03:56,190 --> 00:03:59,150
I just wish we had
the house to ourselves
one time.
92
00:03:59,190 --> 00:04:01,490
Believe me,
I would love that, too.
93
00:04:01,530 --> 00:04:03,240
Know when we first
bought the place?
94
00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:08,030
Every weekend we'd just
bunker in, get take-out,
and walk around naked.
95
00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:09,290
Yeah.
96
00:04:09,330 --> 00:04:12,830
And you told me
to put some clothes on.
97
00:04:12,870 --> 00:04:14,250
Yeah.
98
00:04:14,290 --> 00:04:15,330
Well, that party's over.
99
00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:17,170
Honey, I'm sorry
he's gotta be here.
100
00:04:17,210 --> 00:04:19,170
He's not a bad guy.
It's just...
101
00:04:19,210 --> 00:04:20,510
I wish we could,
you know,
102
00:04:20,550 --> 00:04:22,510
get rid of him.
103
00:04:22,550 --> 00:04:23,880
For a weekend.
104
00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:25,090
Well, you know what?
105
00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:26,180
Maybe we can.
106
00:04:26,220 --> 00:04:27,180
What do you mean?
107
00:04:27,220 --> 00:04:28,350
Well, maybe we
can ask somebody
108
00:04:28,390 --> 00:04:29,850
to take him
for a couple of days,
109
00:04:29,890 --> 00:04:31,310
you know, as a favor.
110
00:04:31,350 --> 00:04:32,730
You ever save
anybody's life?
111
00:04:32,770 --> 00:04:36,940
No. Damn it, I had
so many chances, too.
112
00:04:36,980 --> 00:04:38,020
OK, you know what?
113
00:04:38,060 --> 00:04:39,690
Tomorrow we'll just
start asking people.
114
00:04:39,730 --> 00:04:40,820
I mean, there's
gotta be somebody.
115
00:04:40,860 --> 00:04:42,190
Absolutely. You
know what we'll do?
116
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:43,280
We'll get everyone
we know drunk
117
00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:45,360
and just see
where he sticks.
118
00:04:45,410 --> 00:04:46,530
It's a plan.
119
00:04:46,570 --> 00:04:49,700
Next weekend, it's
just you and me, bub.
120
00:04:49,740 --> 00:04:51,950
ARTHUR: Why did he put
the bag in the locker?
121
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:54,040
I'm not even in there!
122
00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:00,380
Hey, man, so you OK?
You need another beer?
123
00:05:00,420 --> 00:05:02,800
Moose, it's 4:00
in the afternoon.
124
00:05:02,840 --> 00:05:05,550
What are you trying to do,
get me drunk?
125
00:05:05,590 --> 00:05:07,140
Whoa, look at this.
We caught a break.
126
00:05:07,180 --> 00:05:08,470
Arthur's here.
127
00:05:08,510 --> 00:05:09,970
Captain Artie, is it OK
if we hang with you?
128
00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:11,600
I don't give a crap.
129
00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:14,770
So, you wanna hang?
130
00:05:15,770 --> 00:05:17,900
Whatever.
131
00:05:17,940 --> 00:05:20,480
I don't know why this guy
insists on buying a Ute.
132
00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:23,490
Some people have their brains
in their asses!
133
00:05:23,530 --> 00:05:26,070
[LAUGHS] Brains in the ass.
134
00:05:26,110 --> 00:05:27,860
That's not even possible.
135
00:05:27,910 --> 00:05:30,530
Where does he come up
with this stuff?
136
00:05:30,580 --> 00:05:33,500
Cup holder!
It's "cup holder"!
137
00:05:33,540 --> 00:05:36,620
Oh, this guy
ought to be shot.
138
00:05:37,460 --> 00:05:38,750
Shot.
139
00:05:38,790 --> 00:05:40,540
Oh, man, once he gets going,
you know what you do?
140
00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:42,590
You just pull up a chair
and enjoy the show.
141
00:05:42,630 --> 00:05:45,260
Thought you said
he always drives you nuts.
142
00:05:45,300 --> 00:05:48,800
Well, sure I did,
but that was until I spent
the weekend with him.
143
00:05:48,840 --> 00:05:52,680
Then, you know,
I got it! You know.
144
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:55,270
You know, I just
got a crazy idea.
145
00:05:55,310 --> 00:05:56,730
What?
146
00:05:56,770 --> 00:05:58,810
You should take him for,
like, a weekend, you know?
147
00:05:58,850 --> 00:06:00,440
Keep him at your place.
Hey, I'm cool with it.
148
00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:01,940
You need another beer?
149
00:06:01,980 --> 00:06:04,730
Sorry, Moose, I ain't taking
the old man off your hands.
150
00:06:04,780 --> 00:06:06,780
Oh, come on, Rich,
just for one weekend?
151
00:06:06,820 --> 00:06:08,910
Forget it. I'm heading
down to the firehouse.
152
00:06:08,950 --> 00:06:11,160
Hopefully, there's
a fire somewhere.
153
00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:12,450
Hey, he likes fires, huh?
154
00:06:12,490 --> 00:06:13,620
He starts 'em,
you put 'em out.
155
00:06:13,660 --> 00:06:16,500
There's a weekend right there!
156
00:06:19,500 --> 00:06:21,210
Dad, you want
any dessert?
157
00:06:21,250 --> 00:06:22,420
No, thanks.
158
00:06:22,460 --> 00:06:23,960
I'm stuffed
to the gills
with lasagna.
159
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:27,260
Now it's time
to go upstairs
and pay the band.
160
00:06:32,970 --> 00:06:35,270
So, did you
find anybody yet?
161
00:06:35,310 --> 00:06:36,730
No. How about you?
162
00:06:36,770 --> 00:06:38,020
No.
163
00:06:38,060 --> 00:06:40,310
I made
the mistake of asking
my Aunt Patti first,
164
00:06:40,350 --> 00:06:41,810
and she must have
tipped people off,
165
00:06:41,860 --> 00:06:44,770
because I can't get
a phone call returned.
166
00:06:44,820 --> 00:06:47,150
Can we just drive him
out to the country and...
167
00:06:47,190 --> 00:06:49,530
let him go?
168
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:55,450
Nah, he'll
find his way back.
169
00:06:55,490 --> 00:06:56,620
I guess.
170
00:06:56,660 --> 00:06:58,500
Well, everybody
said no, huh?
171
00:06:58,540 --> 00:07:00,000
Even your
Cousin Danny?
172
00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:01,210
Oh, I didn't ask him.
173
00:07:01,250 --> 00:07:03,420
What? Why not?
He idolizes you.
174
00:07:03,460 --> 00:07:04,500
He'd do anything
for you.
175
00:07:04,540 --> 00:07:06,000
I know. That's
the exact problem.
176
00:07:06,050 --> 00:07:07,920
My whole life
the guy's been trying
to be my best friend.
177
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:10,430
He's, like, one of
those little fish that
glom onto the bigger fish.
178
00:07:10,470 --> 00:07:11,430
What do you call those?
179
00:07:11,470 --> 00:07:13,430
Uh, plankton?
No.
180
00:07:13,470 --> 00:07:14,430
Barnacles?
181
00:07:14,470 --> 00:07:15,970
No...what else ya got?
182
00:07:16,010 --> 00:07:17,640
Just call him!
183
00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:19,020
No, I don't wanna
call him. All right!
184
00:07:19,060 --> 00:07:20,520
I've worked very hard
at keeping my distance.
185
00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:21,980
I wanna keep it that way.
186
00:07:22,020 --> 00:07:25,230
All right, don't get
your panties in a bunch.
187
00:07:25,270 --> 00:07:26,820
Douglas, I forget.
188
00:07:26,860 --> 00:07:30,610
Is your toothbrush
the green one
or the blue one?
189
00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:32,410
Blue.
190
00:07:32,450 --> 00:07:34,280
Oh, my God.
191
00:07:38,540 --> 00:07:40,160
All right.
All right. All right.
192
00:07:44,210 --> 00:07:45,290
Dad.
193
00:07:46,130 --> 00:07:47,380
Dad.
194
00:07:47,420 --> 00:07:48,460
Dad.
[STARTLED] Huh?
195
00:07:48,510 --> 00:07:49,880
Sorry. Didn't mean
to scare you.
196
00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:52,550
Oh, you're lucky
I didn't throw a kick.
197
00:07:52,590 --> 00:07:53,590
What are
you listening to?
198
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,640
Oh, it's my
self-help tape.
199
00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:58,100
Do you realize
I'm the one who
gets in my own way?
200
00:07:58,140 --> 00:08:00,060
Yes, I do.
201
00:08:00,100 --> 00:08:04,190
Uh, Dad, Doug and I
are having, uh,
sort of a problem.
202
00:08:04,230 --> 00:08:05,230
Um, yeah, uh...
203
00:08:05,270 --> 00:08:06,400
you know
my Cousin Danny
204
00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:08,320
who owns
the pizza place?
205
00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:10,740
No, but press on.
206
00:08:10,780 --> 00:08:13,570
Well, anyway,
he's got a guy
out sick this weekend.
207
00:08:13,610 --> 00:08:14,950
Do you happen
to know anyone
208
00:08:14,990 --> 00:08:17,620
who could
possibly fill in?
209
00:08:17,660 --> 00:08:19,040
Hmm, let me see.
210
00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:20,580
Oh, I knew
a fella in the army
211
00:08:20,620 --> 00:08:22,330
who would be
perfect for this.
212
00:08:22,370 --> 00:08:26,380
The only thing is,
his legs were blown off
by Nazi mortar,
213
00:08:26,420 --> 00:08:28,290
and he's dead.
214
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,300
Sorry.
215
00:08:33,470 --> 00:08:34,590
Nice going.
216
00:08:34,630 --> 00:08:35,930
I was trying to be subtle.
217
00:08:35,970 --> 00:08:37,720
He didn't
even know what you
were talking about.
218
00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:38,720
Oh, he knew. He knew.
219
00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:39,890
You knew. You knew.
220
00:08:39,930 --> 00:08:41,520
All right. Stop it.
All right. Stop it.
221
00:08:41,560 --> 00:08:43,100
Let me handle this.
222
00:08:43,980 --> 00:08:45,020
[STARTLED]
223
00:08:45,060 --> 00:08:46,770
Still us, Dad.
224
00:08:46,810 --> 00:08:49,610
So, you find anyone yet?
225
00:08:49,650 --> 00:08:51,940
Uh, no.
226
00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:55,160
But, you know,
actually, Doug and I
had this crazy idea.
227
00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:58,580
Uh, why don't you,
uh, help Danny
at the pizza place?
228
00:08:58,620 --> 00:09:00,830
Me? I'm flattered.
229
00:09:00,870 --> 00:09:04,870
So, I guess I gotta wear
some sort of leotard?
230
00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:10,090
Did you hear
"pizza place"?
231
00:09:13,210 --> 00:09:15,260
Listen, Danny, thanks again
for, uh, helping
out with Arthur.
232
00:09:15,300 --> 00:09:18,050
Oh, come on.
This is great. I mean,
just to see you again.
233
00:09:18,090 --> 00:09:21,310
Gotta tell this guy
to call me back
once in a while.
234
00:09:21,350 --> 00:09:24,520
I know, I'm bad.
I don't call back.
I'm not a phone guy.
235
00:09:24,560 --> 00:09:27,230
Aw, I'm just
kidding around with ya,
giving you a hard time.
236
00:09:27,270 --> 00:09:29,980
Listen, we're--we're
throwing together
a dart league,
237
00:09:30,020 --> 00:09:31,900
and, uh, we got some room.
238
00:09:31,940 --> 00:09:33,070
Can I sign you up?
239
00:09:33,110 --> 00:09:36,320
You know, I think
I'm already in one.
240
00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:37,160
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
241
00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:38,700
Oh, uh, just--
just a second.
242
00:09:38,740 --> 00:09:41,240
[ITALIAN ACCENT]
Yo, Angelo's.
How ya do?
243
00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:47,170
OK, large pie,
right half pepperoni. OK.
244
00:09:47,210 --> 00:09:51,540
Hey, Giuseppe,
when you gonna bocce ballie?
245
00:09:51,590 --> 00:09:55,760
OK, 15 minutes.
246
00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:58,930
Listen, you can never be
in too many dart leagues.
247
00:09:58,970 --> 00:10:00,220
Right.
248
00:10:00,260 --> 00:10:01,680
OK, I think we
should get going,
what do ya say?
249
00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:03,010
Ooh, wait, wait, wait.
Before you do, here...
250
00:10:03,060 --> 00:10:07,190
why don't you take home
a couple of pies, huh?
251
00:10:07,230 --> 00:10:08,270
Uh, you don't have to.
252
00:10:08,310 --> 00:10:10,690
I know, I don't
have to. I want to.
253
00:10:10,730 --> 00:10:12,270
Let me give
you some money.
254
00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:14,610
He wants to give me money.
255
00:10:14,650 --> 00:10:16,440
Would you get outta
here with the money!
256
00:10:16,490 --> 00:10:17,650
Just take me to a Met game
257
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:20,070
like you promised me
6 years ago, huh?
258
00:10:20,780 --> 00:10:22,700
Right. OK.
259
00:10:22,740 --> 00:10:25,700
So, what are those,
toppings?
260
00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:27,870
Uh, Dad,
we're leaving now.
261
00:10:27,910 --> 00:10:30,540
Now I want you
to listen to Danny
and do what he says, OK?
262
00:10:30,580 --> 00:10:31,580
Gimme a kiss good-bye.
263
00:10:31,630 --> 00:10:33,750
Not at work.
264
00:10:34,750 --> 00:10:36,880
OK, bye-bye.
265
00:10:38,930 --> 00:10:40,430
I wanna watch movies.
266
00:10:40,470 --> 00:10:42,180
I wanna--I wanna
take a bath.
267
00:10:42,220 --> 00:10:43,390
I wanna, I wanna--
268
00:10:43,430 --> 00:10:44,390
Write it down.
Write it down.
269
00:10:44,430 --> 00:10:45,390
Make a list.
Make a list.
270
00:10:45,430 --> 00:10:46,730
OK, I wanna, um...
271
00:10:46,770 --> 00:10:48,600
I wanna blast the stereo.
272
00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:50,850
I wanna have sex
in the kitchen.
273
00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:53,110
Oh, yeah, put me
down for that, too.
274
00:10:53,940 --> 00:10:56,070
Oh, man, I--I--I
wanna eat pizza.
275
00:10:56,110 --> 00:10:58,450
I wanna
run around naked.
I wanna, I wanna...
276
00:11:29,350 --> 00:11:31,100
Dougie...
277
00:11:31,140 --> 00:11:34,610
Well, I guess we're
in the living room,
278
00:11:34,650 --> 00:11:37,480
so we can't fool around.
279
00:11:38,190 --> 00:11:42,030
Oh, wait a minute.
Yes, we can.
280
00:11:42,070 --> 00:11:46,120
For the sweet love of God,
you gotta get off me.
281
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:51,290
OK, now I feel sexy.
282
00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:54,290
I ate too much.
283
00:11:54,330 --> 00:11:57,380
Oh, my God, Doug,
how many slices
did you have?
284
00:11:57,420 --> 00:12:00,840
Put it this way,
I shattered my old record.
285
00:12:02,340 --> 00:12:04,010
Your father wasn't here,
I got excited.
286
00:12:04,050 --> 00:12:06,810
Doug, you
can eat pizza
when he's here.
287
00:12:06,850 --> 00:12:08,430
I know, it just tastes
better when he's gone.
288
00:12:08,470 --> 00:12:09,560
I was in a zone.
289
00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:12,230
So what about us?
I mean, the whole reason
290
00:12:12,270 --> 00:12:13,650
for getting rid
of my father
291
00:12:13,690 --> 00:12:15,980
was so we could
do stuff together.
292
00:12:16,020 --> 00:12:17,770
It's OK. It's OK.
It's only Friday,
you know?
293
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:19,480
Just let me
sleep this off,
294
00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:24,160
and tomorrow, I promise,
we'll--we'll go crazy.
All right? I swear.
295
00:12:37,540 --> 00:12:38,840
Oh, hey, baby,
you're up.
296
00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:40,590
I was just gonna
go out for a few hours.
297
00:12:40,630 --> 00:12:41,590
Do you mind?
298
00:12:41,630 --> 00:12:42,670
What? Where
are you going?
299
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:43,800
I wanna get my hair done.
300
00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:45,180
But this is the big day.
301
00:12:45,220 --> 00:12:47,510
Come on, I made us
a great breakfast.
302
00:12:47,550 --> 00:12:48,930
Huh? There's
food to be had,
303
00:12:48,970 --> 00:12:51,060
orgasms to be faked.
304
00:12:53,230 --> 00:12:55,190
Oh, honey,
that is so sweet.
305
00:12:55,230 --> 00:12:58,610
Look, you made
the whole pound of bacon.
306
00:12:58,650 --> 00:13:01,280
I had to. It
expires in 3 weeks.
307
00:13:01,900 --> 00:13:03,700
Come on, stay.
308
00:13:03,740 --> 00:13:05,410
Honey, I already
made the appointment.
309
00:13:05,450 --> 00:13:08,450
Come on, you know
I always feel sexier
after I get my hair done.
310
00:13:08,490 --> 00:13:09,700
Yeah, same here.
311
00:13:09,740 --> 00:13:11,830
All right.
I'll grab a shower
while you're gone.
312
00:13:11,870 --> 00:13:12,870
You know,
clean myself up,
313
00:13:12,910 --> 00:13:14,210
bang out a couple
of pushups.
314
00:13:14,250 --> 00:13:15,750
Hey, why don't you
start with the shower
315
00:13:15,790 --> 00:13:17,250
and see how you feel, OK?
316
00:13:20,210 --> 00:13:21,210
ARTHUR: Who's next?
317
00:13:21,250 --> 00:13:23,300
Who's next? Yes, sir.
318
00:13:23,340 --> 00:13:25,430
Gimme a slice
with, uh, mushrooms.
319
00:13:25,470 --> 00:13:28,470
All right. Oh,
got you a beauty here.
320
00:13:28,510 --> 00:13:30,560
Throw a little
red pepper on that,
321
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:31,770
and it's gonna sing.
322
00:13:31,810 --> 00:13:33,430
That'll be $2.00.
323
00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:39,730
OK, they're legit.
324
00:13:39,770 --> 00:13:42,110
Thank you for
coming to Angelo's.
325
00:13:44,110 --> 00:13:48,200
Uh, Arthur, you
probably don't have
to check the ones.
326
00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:50,370
I see I've upset you.
327
00:13:50,410 --> 00:13:52,950
Shall I consider this
a formal reprimand?
328
00:13:52,990 --> 00:13:55,040
Oh, no.
No, no. No, no.
329
00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:56,500
You're doing
a great job here.
330
00:13:56,540 --> 00:13:59,130
Thank you. I must say
your cousin was right.
331
00:13:59,170 --> 00:14:00,920
You are a terrific guy.
332
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:02,210
He said that?
333
00:14:02,250 --> 00:14:03,920
Oh, yeah,
in the car ride
over here.
334
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:05,840
He was going on and on.
335
00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:09,140
I started getting
a little nauseous.
I had to tune him out.
336
00:14:09,180 --> 00:14:12,100
Really? I--I--
I can't believe it.
337
00:14:12,140 --> 00:14:14,100
All my life, I thought
he just didn't like me.
338
00:14:14,140 --> 00:14:16,140
Well, that's the
way it is with Doug.
339
00:14:16,180 --> 00:14:18,850
He has a hard time
showing his love.
340
00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:20,810
I mean,
sometimes he acts like...
341
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:23,570
he doesn't
wantmearound.
342
00:14:25,650 --> 00:14:30,070
[**]
343
00:15:19,660 --> 00:15:21,580
Hey.
344
00:15:21,620 --> 00:15:22,830
[DOOR SLAMS]
345
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,630
OK, it's showtime.
346
00:15:38,430 --> 00:15:40,390
I can't believe
these people.
347
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,060
They totally
ruined my hair.
348
00:15:42,100 --> 00:15:44,520
I am so pissed!
349
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:47,230
Heeyyy.
350
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:48,860
It's horrible, right?
351
00:15:48,900 --> 00:15:50,200
What's wrong with it?
352
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:52,240
OK, how about
it's totally uneven,
353
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:54,490
and he made
this part way too light.
354
00:15:54,530 --> 00:15:56,790
Well, if it bothers
you that much,
355
00:15:56,830 --> 00:15:59,040
put on a wig.
356
00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:00,500
A blond one.
357
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:03,710
Would you stop it?
358
00:16:03,750 --> 00:16:04,920
I look horrible.
359
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:05,920
No, you don't.
360
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:06,960
Yes, I do.
361
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:08,420
Look, I know
what you need.
362
00:16:08,460 --> 00:16:13,550
You just need
yourself a nice climb
up Mount Dougmore.
363
00:16:13,590 --> 00:16:16,260
Doug, I am not
even close to being
in the mood.
364
00:16:16,300 --> 00:16:17,390
You can't see this?
365
00:16:17,430 --> 00:16:18,720
Carrie, I'm all
set to go here.
366
00:16:18,770 --> 00:16:20,430
Well, I'm sorry.
What do you
want me to do,
367
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:23,190
just lie down and go
through the motions?
368
00:16:23,230 --> 00:16:25,310
If you want to.
369
00:16:26,770 --> 00:16:28,440
All right,
all right, all right,
here's the deal.
370
00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,360
Why don't you take
yourself a nice, hot shower,
371
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:33,070
and then after,
you can redo your hair
the way you like it,
372
00:16:33,110 --> 00:16:35,870
like, all sexy. OK?
373
00:16:35,910 --> 00:16:37,080
Yeah, lemme do that.
374
00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:38,240
All right, that's a girl.
375
00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:39,490
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, you go suds up.
376
00:16:39,540 --> 00:16:41,710
I'll get rid
of whoever this is.
377
00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:48,090
You!
378
00:16:48,130 --> 00:16:49,750
Me?
379
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:51,210
You!
380
00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:53,300
What?
381
00:16:53,340 --> 00:16:55,090
Arthur told me
what you said.
382
00:16:55,140 --> 00:16:56,890
A-a-about?
383
00:16:56,930 --> 00:16:58,430
That I'm a terrific guy.
384
00:16:58,470 --> 00:17:00,600
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mentioned that, yeah.
385
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:02,390
Come on, let me
buy you a beer
in your kitchen.
386
00:17:02,430 --> 00:17:03,770
Let's go.
Uh, actually,
387
00:17:03,810 --> 00:17:05,270
C-Carrie's upstairs.
388
00:17:05,310 --> 00:17:07,020
Oh, don't worry.
I gotta get back
to the shop, anyway.
389
00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:08,400
Come on, quick beer.
390
00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:09,520
OK.
391
00:17:09,570 --> 00:17:10,900
Remember when
we were kids,
392
00:17:10,940 --> 00:17:13,320
we would, uh,
pin those towels
around our necks?
393
00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:15,570
Yeah, I...think
I remember that.
394
00:17:15,610 --> 00:17:18,410
Oh, sure you do, sure you do.
You'd pretend to be,
uh, Superman,
395
00:17:18,450 --> 00:17:20,120
and I was your sidekick...
396
00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:21,830
Towel boy.
397
00:17:21,870 --> 00:17:23,960
Towel boy,
that's right! Yeah!
398
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:26,500
Ah, those were fun times.
399
00:17:27,330 --> 00:17:28,420
So, Doug, what--
what went wrong?
400
00:17:28,460 --> 00:17:30,630
How did we drift apart?
Was it me?
401
00:17:30,670 --> 00:17:33,550
Because I know
I can come on
like a ton of bricks.
402
00:17:33,590 --> 00:17:35,590
No, no, you're fine.
I mean, you were
403
00:17:35,630 --> 00:17:37,300
a bit of a pain
in the ass
when we were kids,
404
00:17:37,340 --> 00:17:39,050
but I guess,
you know,
I never let it go.
405
00:17:39,100 --> 00:17:41,010
You know what?
I'm sorry.
406
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:42,520
Well, whatever happened,
407
00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:45,270
I'm just glad
we were able to hang out
a little, you know.
408
00:17:45,310 --> 00:17:46,600
Well, listen, I'm--
I'm gonna get going.
409
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:48,690
And you know what?
Maybe, sometime,
410
00:17:48,730 --> 00:17:50,190
we'll do that
Mets game together, huh?
411
00:17:50,230 --> 00:17:52,320
Yeah, whenever.
I'm not pushing.
412
00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:54,490
Hey, remember
the last one we
went to back in '86?
413
00:17:54,530 --> 00:17:56,950
Oh, yeah, right.
When you threw my keys
in the urinal.
414
00:17:56,990 --> 00:17:59,120
Right, right.
But I made it up
to you, though, right?
415
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:01,870
Remember I took you
to Tracy Matello's
birthday party, huh?
416
00:18:01,910 --> 00:18:02,870
You remember that?
417
00:18:02,910 --> 00:18:04,250
Yeah, I remember.
418
00:18:04,290 --> 00:18:06,500
That's the night
everyone started
calling me Stumpy.
419
00:18:06,540 --> 00:18:08,790
Yeah, that was
because of me.
I started that.
420
00:18:08,830 --> 00:18:10,500
Remember, you were wearing
that stupid turtleneck,
421
00:18:10,540 --> 00:18:12,250
dancing on the floor
out there,
422
00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:16,840
and I was like, "Hey,
nice move there, Stumpy!"
423
00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:18,340
That was all me.
424
00:18:18,390 --> 00:18:20,050
Do you know that people
still call me that?
425
00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:23,010
Oh, really? That's funny.
426
00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:24,430
It is. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
427
00:18:24,470 --> 00:18:26,020
Did you ever
try to get a girl
to go out with you
428
00:18:26,060 --> 00:18:27,520
when your nickname
is Stumpy?
429
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:30,060
God! I can't
believe that was you!
430
00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:31,860
You did that to me!
431
00:18:33,020 --> 00:18:34,530
No, actually,
it was Rick Usher.
432
00:18:34,570 --> 00:18:36,570
That's who it was,
Rick Usher, I remember.
433
00:18:36,610 --> 00:18:38,660
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Blame the dead kid.
434
00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:39,950
It was you!
435
00:18:39,990 --> 00:18:41,030
Now, wait
till my therapist
436
00:18:41,070 --> 00:18:43,580
gets this piece
of the puzzle!
437
00:18:51,420 --> 00:18:53,090
It was just a nickname.
438
00:18:53,130 --> 00:18:55,380
Oy! Can I get
a little focus here?
439
00:18:55,420 --> 00:18:57,920
How can I focus?
I ruined the guy's life.
440
00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,680
Stumpy's funny though, right?
441
00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:02,390
Doug, if you're
trying to get me hot,
442
00:19:02,430 --> 00:19:05,180
repeating
the word "Stumpy"
is not gonna help.
443
00:19:05,220 --> 00:19:07,560
I just feel so guilty.
444
00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:09,390
OK, well,
look at it this way.
445
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:12,230
Now he hates you.
Now he won't
call you as much.
446
00:19:12,270 --> 00:19:13,570
I don't want
him to hate me.
447
00:19:13,610 --> 00:19:16,070
I want him to love me
and not call me.
448
00:19:16,110 --> 00:19:17,240
So what
are you saying?
449
00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:18,610
Are we gonna
fool around or not?
450
00:19:18,650 --> 00:19:19,990
Look, I'll do
whatever you want.
451
00:19:20,030 --> 00:19:21,240
I'm just
telling you right now,
452
00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:23,700
I can't give you
all the engines.
453
00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:27,040
Doug...
454
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:28,960
it's Saturday, OK?
455
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:32,420
Our weekend
without my father
is over tomorrow.
456
00:19:32,460 --> 00:19:35,800
Fine. We'll fool around
in the morning, OK?
457
00:19:36,500 --> 00:19:39,590
Just go to sleep now.
458
00:19:39,630 --> 00:19:42,010
It's 7:30.
459
00:19:42,050 --> 00:19:44,640
Shut up, weird hair.
460
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:56,230
Hey, it's
Sunday morning.
461
00:19:56,270 --> 00:19:58,780
You wanna have sex?
462
00:19:58,820 --> 00:20:02,200
Do ya? Do ya? Do ya?
463
00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:04,320
Do ya?
Stop!
464
00:20:04,370 --> 00:20:05,950
Hey, come on.
Wake up, I want sex.
465
00:20:05,990 --> 00:20:08,500
Your hair
looks good now.
466
00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:12,870
Doug, I'm sleeping.
467
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:15,960
Did you feel that?
468
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:19,210
Oh, no.
469
00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:21,130
Oh, honey!
470
00:20:21,170 --> 00:20:23,390
It's a Dougquake!
471
00:20:23,430 --> 00:20:25,140
Oh, no!
472
00:20:25,180 --> 00:20:26,140
Oh, boy!
473
00:20:26,180 --> 00:20:27,970
Quick,
under a doorjamb!
474
00:20:28,010 --> 00:20:29,350
Under a doorjamb!
475
00:20:29,390 --> 00:20:30,980
Find one!
476
00:20:31,020 --> 00:20:32,980
Stop it.
477
00:20:37,190 --> 00:20:39,030
Aftershocks!
478
00:20:41,530 --> 00:20:44,160
[LAUGHING]
You are so dead.
479
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:46,370
You are so dead!
480
00:20:47,700 --> 00:20:49,370
You want a piece of me?
481
00:20:49,410 --> 00:20:51,710
Come on,
sex in the kitchen.
482
00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:52,960
Aah!
483
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:54,870
Aah!
484
00:20:57,170 --> 00:20:58,500
Dad, what are you doing?
485
00:20:58,550 --> 00:21:00,510
I thought you weren't
coming home until tonight.
486
00:21:00,550 --> 00:21:02,010
Danny gave me the boot.
487
00:21:02,050 --> 00:21:03,170
What? Why?
488
00:21:03,220 --> 00:21:04,340
I don't know.
489
00:21:04,380 --> 00:21:06,470
Something about
Doug being an idiot.
490
00:21:06,510 --> 00:21:09,600
So, what
are you kids up to?
491
00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:14,390
You wanna have sex
in the kitchen?
492
00:21:19,610 --> 00:21:22,150
I see. So, tell me...
493
00:21:22,190 --> 00:21:25,070
what exactly do you
remember about that day?
494
00:21:25,110 --> 00:21:28,490
Well, Danny and I were
at this birthday party,
495
00:21:28,530 --> 00:21:32,910
and I, uh,...I just
called him Stumpy.
496
00:21:32,950 --> 00:21:35,870
[LAUGHING]
497
00:21:42,550 --> 00:21:44,050
You think
that's funny?
498
00:21:44,090 --> 00:21:46,720
I told ya. Right?
It's funny, right?
499
00:21:57,150 --> 00:22:00,980
[**]
34834
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