All language subtitles for Rita.Sue.and.Bob.Too.1987.1080p.BluRay.x265-RARBG

J“ Rita and sue

j“ and Bob, too

j“ what'll we do
with Rita and sue...

J“ and Bob, too?

J“ once you've bitten
that soft centre

j“ oh, you mustn't put it back
in the box

j“ it's the old, sad story

j“ about the three bears
three bears and goldilocks

j“ who's been messing
with my Rita and sue

j“ and Bob, too

(d09 yads)

J“ what” we do
with Rita and sue...

J“ and Bob, too?

Bog off!

J“ Rita and sue

j“ and Bob, too (dogs growl)

J“ Rita and sue, Rita and sue,
Rita and sue...

- Where you going?
- Mind your own business.

- Don't be out all fucking night!
- I'll be back when I want.

(Cackling)

J“ everybody's talking 'bout

j“ Rita and sue, Rita and sue

j“ and Bob, too

j“ Rita and sue

- j“ and Bob, too
- j“ Rita and sue

- j“ Rita and sue
- j“ and Bob, too

- j“ and Bob, too
- j“ Rita and sue

j“ Rita and sue

j“ and Bob, too

J“ Rita and sue

j“ Rita and sue, Rita and sue

(laughter)

J“ Rita and sue, Rita and sue

j“ Rita and sue and Bob, too j“

(Doorbell)

J“ welcome to the house of fun
now I've come of age

j“ welcome to the house of fun

j“ welcome to the lion's den
temptation's on his way

j“ welcome to the house of fun

J“ n-n-n-n-n-n-no, no, miss
you misunderstood

j“ sixteen, big boy
full pint in my manhood

(door opening)

J“ I'm up to date
and the date's today... j“

has everything been ok?

- (Both) Yeah.
- Good.

Here's your money.
Can you come again next Friday?

Thanks, yeah.

Bob's going to give you a lift home.

- Aren't you, Bob?
- I'm ready to go when they are.

Right, we'll see you Friday, then.

- Thanks a lot. Bye.
- Bye.

(Door closes)

- Did the wife give you your money?
- (Both) Yeah.

Here's two quid.
Get yourselves some cigs.

- Are you sure?
- Course I'm sure.

- Here, take it.
- Thanks.

Thanks.

- Are you two courting yet?
- (Both) No!

(Muffled giggling)

I'd have thought two young Lasses
like you would be courting by now.

- (Sue) You know what thought did.
- (Rita and sue laugh)

- (Rita) No, thanks.
- Thanks.

If I give you two a ride round,
will your mams say owt?

(Both) No.

What about your dad?
I know your dad.

He's done a fewjobs for me.

He's a bit of a twat,
don't you think?

Ifind him ok.

Is there anywhere you want to go?

(Rita) Where can we go at this time?

You been round the moors?
We can go there if you want.

We'll go there then. We're not fussy.

Ok, then. The moors it is.

(Ska plays)

J“ uppah!

(Rita and sue laugh)

(Tyres screech)

J“ la, la, la, la, ia-ia

j“ la, la, la, la, ia-ia

j“ la, la, la, la, ia-ia

j“ la, la, la, la, la j“

- Are you both virgins?
- You what?

- What do you want to know for?
- Just curious, that's all.

- Well, are you?
- (Rita) You're nosey, aren't you?

Nosey, no. Curious, yes.

I often wonder what young Lasses
get up to nowadays.

Well, that's not much. There's never
nowt to do where we live.

You still haven't answered
me question.

Are you or not?

Yeah, we both are.

Ohh.

- J“ la, la, la, la, ia-ia
- j“ c'est si bon, c'est si bon

- j“ la, la, la, la, ia-ia
- j“ c'est la vie, c'est la vie

- j“ la, la, la, la, ia-ia
- j“ c'est ie temps

j“ la, la, la, la, la

j“ la, la, la, la, la

j“ la, la, la, la, la

j“ la, la, la, la, la

- j“ cha-cha-cha - j“ oooh j“

can either of you two put a durex on?

- What's a durex?
- I think he means a rubberjohnny.

- That's right.
- What you calling it a durex for?

- Durex is t'proper name for 'em.
- (Sue) Oh, I didn't know.

I've never had
any use for 'em meself.

Can you put one on?

I wouldn't know what to do with one.

Would either of you like to try?

- Not me.
- Or me.

You can just tell us.

I thought you might like
to try for yourselves.

No, I don't think we should.

- First you need an erection.
- An e-what-tion?

- An erection.
- What's that?

I don't know.

- Do you know what an 'ard-on is?
- (Both) Yeah.

Ok, first you need an 'ard-on,

and then you take
the rubberjohnny...

As you call it...

Out the packet.

You didn't think we thought
you could put packet on, did ya?

So, what happens if it tears?

Not good, then. The sperm can get out
and fertilise the egg.

We haven't got eggs inside us.

We're not ducks, you know.

- Can this come off inside you?
- No.

What do mean exactly
when you say "the sperm"?

It's what a man ejaculates.

Shoots his muck, you'd say.
Nobody ever tell you that?

- No.
- All we did at school

were drawings of the male
and female sex organs.

Didn't your mam or dad tell you owt?

Talk like that's dirty in our house.
If say owt like that, I get a belt.

My mam never wants
to talk about it neither.

(Sue) Anyway, what have
we stopped here for?

And what we talking
about rubber johnnies for?

You were supposed
to take us for a ride.

We stopped cos I just wanted
to talk to you.

- Find out more about you.
- What for?

Well, things haven't been going
too well with me and the wife.

Tell us another one.

It's got reclining seats, this car.

What you want us to do about it?

What do you think, then?

I'll let you know.

Try laying on it if you want.

Might as well.

What do you think you're doing?

- Don't you like it?
- Yeah.

- Why don't you do it to her?
- I will...

After I finish with you.

- Are you sure you can manage two?
- You bet your boots I can.

Get your knickers off.

- Do I have to?
- I can't do nothing with them on.

- Can't I put 'em halfway down?
- You won't be able to move.

I'll tell you what,
I'll take 'em off on one leg.

I'll just watch if it's all right.

Right. Lay down.

Jesus, fllooks
like a frozen sausage.

- Shift your burn up a bit.
- You what?

- I'm talking to sue.
- I'm sorry.

That's not much better, but it'll do.

- How long will you be?
- As long as it takes.

Ok. Ok!

- Can you shift your leg, sue?
- What you doing?

I'm trying to get it in, if you'd
shut your mouth for a minute.

(Rita tuts) Can I turn
the cassette on?

For fuck's sake!
What do you want that on for?

I want to listen to it.

- (Music starts)
- Rita! (Music stops)

- What?
- Shut up, or you'll stand outside.

I'm sorry, but I'm bored.

You won't be when I've finished here.

Well, go on then, get on with it!

(Sue breathes heavily)

(Sue moans)

(Moaning intensifies)

(Car horn)

- Go on!
- (Moaning)

(Moaning increases)

Yeah! (Gasps)

(Bob breathes rapidly, then grunts)

(They chuckle)

Ohh.

Did you enjoy that, sue?

Yeah.

(Cows bellow)

Right, come on then, moaning minnie!

(Rita) I'm coming!

Hey, you haven't got much room
to do it in here, have you?

- It's all me and sue had.
- I'm not complaining, just saying.

- Will you get your head off me leg!
- I'm sorry!

Come on now, Rita,
if you don't want to do it, just say.

I do want to do it.

Hey, reet, I should move your leg
over, it'll hurt you like mad.

Go on, Bob, get stuck in there!

(Moaning)

- (Bob) Go on!
- (Rita groans)

(Cows bellow, Rita and Bob moan)

(Bob) Go on! Go on!

- (Moaning intensifies)
- (Bob) Yes, yes!

- (Bob) Ohh, ohh, oh.
- (Rita groans)

Is that all she's getting?

I thought I were great.

(Urine splashes)

- (Sue whispers) Did you like it?
- (Rita) His legs weren't half hairy.

(They snigger)

I think he's great.

He certainly knows
how to give a lass a good time.

Can't half go like t'clappers.

I wonder if he'll bring us
here again.

Oh, he will.
Make no mistake about that.

(Whistling)

(Door creaks)

- Where the fuck have you been?
- Babysitting.

Not till two o'clock in the fuckin'
morning you haven't.

- Don't lie to me, lass.
- I'm not. You ask me mum.

Well, your mum's
a lying bastard an' all.

- I'll wrap this round your neck.
- Oh!

- Mum!
- What?

- Come and tell him!
- (Dad) You're a lying little shit!

Oh, I'm fucking fed up on him.
I wish he'd take his bloody hook.

- (Sue) Don't we all?
- What are you playing at?

Do not try to tell me that she's been
babysitting till this fucking time.

- (Mum) How do you know she hasn't?
- Because there's nowt open.

- There is!
- Nightclubs.

I don't fucking believe you, and next
time I will wrap it round your neck.

Just be careful I don't
bloody wrap it around yours.

Why don't you fuck off back to bed?

I'm sleeping in here.
You're sleeping on your bloody own.

- Do what you like.
- I bloody will. Don't worry.

Anyhow.

- Fuck it, I'm going to bed.
- Oh, go on.

Aren't you going to bed?

I'm not getting in with him.
I've summat to say to you.

- What's that?
- You're up to summat, you are.

I'm not.
I've been babysitting, that's all.

Not till this time you haven't.

Anyway, get off to bed,
I'll see you in't morning.

You're a lying swine, so you must
think I fell out the bloody tree.

- Mum!
- (Dad mumbles drunkenly)

- Can I borrow ya cardigan?
- No.

Oh, mum, where's me homework gone?

- It's on there, in't it?
- Please!

- Oh, it's not, it's gone!
- It were on there when I got up.

- Go on, sue.
- Well, it can't just disappear.

- Are you gonna lend it?
- No!

See if it's dropped down t'back.

(Brother) I'm having a 5p round Robin.

(Toilet flushes)

- Any of you two seen me homework?
- I'll try yankee.

Oi, is this it?

- Yeah, it fucking is. Give it back.
- We're using it.

Oh, mum, tell him, I'll get done.
I've got to hand it in.

Can I have me cookery money?

What fucking cookery money?
No, you can't.

If that teacher wants you to make
buns, tell her to give you t'money.

I'm not gonna tell her that.

- I'll tell her.
- You bloody won't!

I don't want everybody to know
what I can and cannot afford.

Fuck it!

(Dog barking)

Thank you. I thank you.

Thank you, all. Thank you.

Thank you, now. Morning.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

(Tinny music through headphones)

Thank you. I thank you.

I thank you. Thank you, thank you.

- I've got mine, have you got yours?
- Thank you.

What's this?

2.45, miss love, ripon.

- (Rita) Horse-racing, sir.
- (Laughter)

Horse-racing?

(Sue) Me brothers were using it
to write their bets on, sir.

(Laughter)

This looks like a lively piece, sue.

Should be. Took me long enough to do.

(Giggling)

Is it worth me putting anything
on miss love, do you think?

Well, it's strongly fancied.

(Laughter)

What are we going
to do tonight, then?

Oh, fuck knows.
Not much we can do, is there?

So we'll just be walking round again.

Well, can you come up
with any better ideas?

- Bob's really nice, in't he?
- (They chuckle)

I could live with a fella like that,
as long as he weren't doing wi' me

what he's doing with his wife.

Ooh, you can't expect owt else,
can you?

Cor, if I had a fella like him,
I'd expect him to do it.

You wouldn't be bothered if he was
goin' with all t'Lasses he could get?

Well, what you don't know
don't hurt you, does it?

(Both laugh)

(Pop on car radio)

(Taxi control radio)

(Radio off)

(Phone)

Luna kars.

Yeah, where do you want to go?

Right, it's on its way.

Driver three, a passenger
at the exchange called Saunders.

Wants to go to Leeds.

What are you staring at?

- Just looking at you.
- Don't bother.

You wouldn't like me staring at you,
would ya?

That's what you're doing now.

- She's all right, in't she?
- I wanna take her to bed.

You wouldn't know
what to do with her.

(Man) I want a taxi now.

- Where do you want to go?
- Take me to thorpe edge.

- Bet I get her first.
- Bet you don't.

- (Sue) Driver five, thorpe edge.
- How much?

- Fiver.
- (Sue) Luna kars.

All right, you're on.

Where do you want to go?

What time do you want it for?
It's on its way.

- Can I take you out tonight?
- Why? So you can get me in bed?

He sleeps on a bed of nails. Spikes.

You'll wake up covered in little pricks.
You're better off with me.

A big one, don't you mean?

I'm serious, you know.
I'm not like him.

You can get lost.

(Phone)

Luna kars?
Yeah, where'd you want to go?

Ok, it's on its way. Bye.

Here, have a swig of that.

- No, thanks.
- Get it down you. It's good for you.

- (Splutters)
- (Laughter)

(Background chatter, whistle blows)

(Both hum)

(Girl) I'm going to teacher.

(Whistle blows)

(Rita groans)

(Whispers) Rita. Rita. Bob.

Go on.

Hello, sue. You all right?

- What do you want?
- Miss, can I go to toilet, please?

You should have gone
before the lesson.

- Ahh, take no notice of her.
- I'd be pleased if you'd shut up.

And you can go back
and get on with the game.

- Let me go to toilet, miss, please.
- Get back to your game.

I can't. Rita's not there.
I haven't got a partner.

- You'd better play with Sylvia.
- Aw, do I have to?

Yes. Now get going, the pair of you.

Well, come on then!

(Girl) Ow! That was my hand!

Go on, girls, keep it going!

That's it you two.
Just keep it going!

Are you sure they won't mind us
being here?

No, or they wouldn't
have given me t'key.

- Where'd you say they'd gone?
- Spain.

They must have a fair bit of money
to have a house like this.

They're not short of a Bob or two.

(He snorts)

Are we going to do something then,
cos I've got to get home soon?

- I'm not bothered.
- That's what we came for, in't it?

Yeah.

Go on, then. Get undressed.

Not if you're gonna watch me.

You haven't got nothing
I haven't seen before. Have you?

Pull the curtains, then,
so nobody can see us.

Them over t'road
might find it strange,

seeing someone
pulling curtains this time of day.

Might think we're burglars.

Well, what we going to do, then?

We could, erm...
Get under the bed clothes.

Yeah, why not?

(Giggling)

(They laugh)

(Radio) 'Janet would like to say
happy birthday to her husband Jim.

'They've been married four years,
and not a day of it she regrets.

'Happy birthday, Jim.
He's that many years old.

'I'm not one to say.

'Also from twins...'

(radio drowned out
by clattering iron)

'...husband Jim, daughter Sarah...'

(Tuts)

J“ yeah, yeah

j“ dancing, dancing

j“ we're dancing in the street

j“ dancing, dancing

j“ in places friends can meet

j“ dancing, dancing

j“ get your dancing shoes
and come along

j“ the party's here... j“

what the bloody hell
are you doing with a packet of these?

Me and Joe were having a laugh
at the pub blowing them up.

- Sorry, but I don't believe you.
- Go and ask Joe yourself.

You're a lying bastard.
You've been out and about again.

- Don't be silly.
- Do you think I'm thick?

I know you been pissing about.

How do you know anything?

Staying out till all hours
in the morning.

- Making stupid excuses.
- So what?

I bet it was that dirty little bitch
you were screwing before.

The trouble with you, Bob,
is you're sex mad.

- Oh, don't be daft, woman.
- (Doorbell)

It'd better not be Susan or Rita...

What's the...? Do you think
I'd play about with those two?

Well, it's funny.
When you take them home,

you take a long time
for such a shortjourney.

I'll tell you why I went with someone
else, but let's get one thing clear.

It's not Susan or Rita.

(Doorbell)

And I'm blaming you for this.

Blaming me? What for?

For me having ask for sex off other
people, cos I don't get any off you.

Don't tell lies.

Ok, I try,

but when we have sex,
it feels like shagging a bag of spuds.

You just lay there
like a bit of wet rag.

- You didn't used to be like that.
- What do you expect?

I want us to enjoy it.

What's the use of doing it
if you're not going to enjoy it?

- It's not dirty. Everybody does it.
- I know, but you expect too much.

You what? Once a week?

- Is that too much?
- I think it is.

- Well, I don't.
- Please don't argue with me, Bob.

I'll try. I promise you. But why
couldn't you talk to me about it?

What's the use?
You wouldn't have listened.

It's only when I do something
you listen to me.

Well, I'm sorry, but it's not
an easy subject for me to talk about.

There's nowt to be ashamed of.

(Footsteps going upstairs)

(Doorbell)

Well, don't just stand there.
Come in.

- Didn't you hear us?
- I'll have to fix that door bell.

I keep telling Michelle to remind me,
but does she? She forgets.

- Where is she, anyway?
- In the bedroom.

Go up if you want.

She might start asking you questions,
so be careful what you say.

I'll tell you
when I take you home later.

(TV) 'So, quarter of an hour to go,
nil-nil.'

don't you think it's a bit low
at the bust.

Is it 'ell. I think it'd look better
if you didn't have a bra on.

I'll have to wear a bra.

When I'm dancing, all the fellas'll
be watchin' me tits wobblin'.

- I can't do with that.
- (All laugh)

I think I'll wear this one.

(Both) Mm.

Yes, that's better.

What time does Bob
usually drop you off home?

- 'Bout a quarter past eleven.
- Yeah, something like that.

Why, is there something wrong?

Don't say anything to Bob, will you?

- We hardly talk to him, do we?
- No.

I think he's playing about.

Found a packet of durex
in his pocket tonight.

- He might've bought 'em for you.
- If he did, there was no need.

I was sterilised
two and a half years ago.

- Oh.
- I've dreaded this happening again.

- (Both) He's done it before?
- Only the once.

Did you know her?

She used to babysit for me.

To look at her, you wouldn't think
butter would melt in her mouth.

You know what they say,
quietest are t'worst.

How did you find out?

- She left her bracelet in the bed.
- Your bed?

Otherwise, I still wouldn't
have known to this day.

- Who'd you think it is this time?
- Same one.

What you going to do about it?

- Nothing.
- Nothin'?

That's the best thing I can do.

I don't want Bob to leave me.

I love him too much.

I know he didn't mean it.

He'd never leave me.

Or if he did, he'd be back
in a couple of days.

J“ I can't disguise it
I'm so excited

j“ hey, boy, ooh... j“

imagine being married
to a woman who won't have sex.

(Rita) Did you hear her say,
"Bob will never leave me"?

- Yeah!
- I'd piss meself laughing if he did.

Oh! Oh, no. I don't think I would.

I don't think I'd actually like
to see 'em split up meself.

J“ he said, "what you doin' to me?"

J“ I said, "you wait and see"

j“ deep down

j“ down inside

j“ it's a matter of fact

j“ baby, I'm waiting, anticipating

j“ this is more than physical

j“ I can't disguise it
I'm so excited

- j“ hey, boy - j“ ooh, yeah

j“ baby, I'm waiting, anticipating

j“ this is more than physical j“

what would you do
if she did find out?

I'd deny it.

If it came to it,
and she stood there and asked me,

I think I'd tell her.

I'd worm me way out of it.

Well, it'd save a lot of trouble
all round, wouldn't it?

(Giggling)

(Door opens)

Would either of you
like a cup of tea?

- Yes, please.
- Yes, please.

Are we going to have
a jump tonight?

Shh. Keep your voice down.

- Well, are we?
- I'll see what I can do.

We know what you can do.

- Right, sue?
- Right, reet.

Shh, shh, shh.

Can you babysit for us
a week on Wednesday?

Er, yeah, what time?

Well, we'll be going out
between 7.30 and 8:00,

so if you could come over
between 7:00 and 7.30.

It's our Julie's engagement party.

Oh, was she here
the first time we babysat?

- That was Angela.
- Is she married?

She was. She got divorced
about a year or so ago.

Two of my brothers are also divorced.

There's three divorced
in the same family?

There might be four yet.

- Don't be so bloody funny.
- Ooh, you're a moody sod.

- I was only joking with you.
- You shouldn't say things like that.

- Not in front of other people.
- Sorry, I didn't mean nothing wrong.

Watch what you say. You and me
will fall out with one another.

I said sorry. Will you keep quiet?
You'll start an argument again.

- That won't be nowt fresh, will it?
- You love to do this to me.

Do what?

Make me look small
in front of other people.

And I don't know what you two
are grinning about.

I don't find it so funny.

(Bob) Stop getting funny with them.

Well, if you'd keep your mouth shut,

they wouldn't need to laugh at me,
would they?

Don't be silly.
They're not laughing at you.

It's just a nervous laugh, because
they don't know what else to do.

Make your own fucking tea.

(Alarm rings)

That Michelle pissed it right up,
didn't she?

Never mind. We'll see him soon.

We're not babysitting
till next Wednesday.

- We won't get a jump for a week.
- You're not that desperate, are you?

- No.
- Well, shut up then.

(Bob) Can't you turn
that bloody light off?

I want to go to sleep.

I'll turn it off in a minute, love.

Just let me finish reading this page.

I don't see why I should
after the way you behaved tonight.

Look, Bob, I didn't mean that.

I just thought you were going
with Susan and Rita.

Oh, how many times
do I have to tell you?

I am not and have never been
with Susan or Rita.

- Do we have to talk about this?
- Yes, we do.

If you've got anything to ask,
you better do it, now.

Do you love me, Bob?

- You what?
- I said, do you love me?

Oh, Michelle, course I do.
If I didn't I wouldn't be here, would I?

I don't know. Would ya?

- Don't be silly.
- I'm not being silly.

You know what I think about you.

I know.

But you got to realise,
all this is very hard for me.

Getting accused of going
with other people. It's not very nice.

I know you like sex, but why'd you
have to go with somebody else?

Let's face it. You're not being
very good about it, are you?

I just don't seem to like it nowadays.

I know I should try.

It's not hard to do.

Just relax. Enjoy it.

Ok, I'll try.

Give us a kiss.

Turn the lamp off, Bob.

(Michelle) I wish you wouldn't
put your tongue in my mouth.

(Girls giggle)

Come on, girls.
Keep going, now. No talking.

Give me those cigarettes!

- (Rita) Oh, look at state of that.
- Crap, innit?

Can you imagine trying
to have a jump wi' that on?

Forgot to ring me boyfriend.
He'll do his nut.

- Rung mine earlier.
- I'll be glad to see him.

Why? Can't you wait
to get to bed with him?

- We don't do things like that.
- Haven't you been to bed with him?

We don't believe
in sex before marriage.

I'm still a virgin.
They don't call me Susan.

Watch what you say
or I'll knock your head off.

Yeah? You and whose army?

I don't need nobody.
I can do it meself.

- Don't argue with her.
- Keep out of it, you.

At least I don't do it
with married men.

- Nor do I.
- Liar. I've seen you get in his car.

What's it to do with you anyway?
Do you want him?

I wouldn't touch him with
a barge pole. He's been near you.

You're only jealous.
He'd take one look at you and run.

Who'd you think you are? Miss world?

- I'm the best, so don't forget it.
- (All) Oooooh!

(Church bell)

- Look at that slut.
- Don't. She's not worth it.

She's a stuck-up bastard.

She won't be
with my fist down her throat.

- You're a pair of dirty slags!
- Don't call me a slag, you bitch!

- Take your 'ands off me!
- What you going to do about it?

- Someone'll get the teacher.
- Go on. See if I'm bothered.

You can't do it now!

Can't I? How do you like that, then?

- Sir!
- Call me a slag if you dare.

- Slag!
- What?

- Susan's just hit me.
- What for?

I told her I know she's bothering
with a married man.

Is this true?

Take no notice, sir. She's dreaming.

She called me a slag so I hit her.

(Teacher) Get back to the coach.
I'm sick of this.

- Come on, girls, it's a disgrace.
- Come on, back to the coach.

Call this a day out? You've wrecked it.
Get a move on! Come on!

- Come on, girls, get a move on!
- (Laughter)

Get a move on, girls, come on!

Never mind talking.
Move yourselves down.

(Laughter)

I hope my mum doesn't find out
I'm off school.

- She'll keep me in all week.
- She won't. Hurry up.

I've never seen you move so quick.
Are you that desperate for a jump?

- I could be.
- I could shag the arse off him too.

I bet you could!

(Sue) Right, last one over the wall's
an ugly cow! Whoo!

- (Bob) Come on, Rita.
- (Rita) That's not fair!

You had a better start.

(Bob and sue laugh)

(Bob) Come on, Rita, we're over here!

- (Bob and sue) Boo!
- (Rita yelps, sue laughs)

Why do you two always
leave me behind?

- We don't mean to, do we, sue?
- Course not. She's knows that.

- Ooh, what's that on your shoe?
- It's cow shit!

Oh, where the bleeding hell
did that come from?

- It didn't fall out of sky.
- Ohhh!

- Wipe your shoe on the grass.
- Dirty pissing cow.

- (Bob) Watch where you walk.
- Cows shouldn't shit everywhere.

(Sue) What do you expect them to do?
Go in one corner of the field?

Or shall I ask the farmer to install
a toilet and train 'em to shit in it?

I wish they bleedin' would.
God, it don't half pong. Here, sue!

- Oh, piss off, Rita.
- Bob!

I don't want to smell it, thanks.

- He don't want to smell it, thanks.
- Well, I don't!

Anyway, you might have sweaty feet.

You cheeky bleeder! I had a bath
last night, I'll have you know!

You'll be needing another one when
you get home with t'cow shit here.

I hope I don't get any on me
and Michelle sees it.

Oh, look,
there's a fresh dollop of shit.

Look at all t'flies on it.

Next time, you know,
they'll be in your house.

Walking all over your tea.

Give over, Rita.

- (Rita) Bob?
- What?

Are we gonna... well, you know?

What's "well, you know?"

What's she means is,
are we going to have a jump?

- Why?
- That's what we're here for, innit?

- Oh, it is, it is, yeah.
- I'm going first.

- Why can't I?
- Because you can't.

I always have to go second!

What difference does it make?
You get the same thing.

- That's not fair. I wanna go first.
- Why?

Because when I go second,
it's not so good. You're knackered.

- Why can't sue go second?
- Will you go second, sue?

If it'll stop her complaining,
I suppose I'll have to.

- Why should you always get the best?
- There's no need to argue.

- I only wanna go first for a change.
- (Sue) Nobody's stoppin' you.

One of you stop outside t'car.
I'm sick of getting squashed.

(Sue) Let Rita go first.
I'll wait outside t'car.

You Randy little basket.

- Reet.
- Ohh.

(Laughter)

(Rita) Oh.

I hope you're not going
to be all day.

(Bob muffled) I can't do it
like this. I'm too squashed.

(Rita) Can you take the weight
off me legs? They're killing me.

- What you doing?
- (Bob) Trying to get comfortable.

I can't hear a word you're saying!

I said I'm trying to get comfortable.

What's the matter, Bob?

I can't get an 'ard-on.

- Course you can.
- I'm telling you I can't.

Why not?

It don't seem to want to.

- Does that mean I can't have a jump?
- Looks that way.

- What's going on in there?
- He can't get an 'ard-on!

(Laughs)

It's not bloody funny!

- I find this rather embarrassing.
- Never mind. At least you tried.

For the first time I get to go first
and you can't get an 'ard-on.

- I'm sorry.
- Never mind.

Get dressed. I want to go home.

- Better luck next time, reet.
- Shut your face, you!

- I'm glad I didn't go first now.
- I'm sorry. I really am.

I feel so embarrassed.

I wouldn't let it worry you.
Poor Rita.

Will you get lost, you?
It's not bleeding funny!

You wouldn't like it
if it happened to you!

It didn't, did it? You should've let
me go first. We'd have been ok then.

- Piss off.
- Poor little Rita.

- Bob, tell her.
- Give over now. It's not funny.

- (Sue) I know it's not.
- Don't joke about it then!

(Sue) I'm sorry.

(Sue stifles laughter)

I don't know why it is.

Just feeling a bit off today.

(Sue giggles)

(Both laugh)

(Laughter continues)

J“ we're having a gang bang
we're having a ball

j“ we're having a gang bang
against the wall

j“ we'd like you to join us
it's part of the fun

j“ ooh, a gang bang
is the thing to do

j“ but it takes more than one

j“ a gang bang is a game we play
it's something of a joke

j“ it's lots of hokey-pokey
less hokes and lots of pokes

j“ it's for the girls and for the boys

j“ it livens up the night

j“ it's better when you're crowded
and when you're packed in tight

j“ we're having a gang bang
we're having a ball

j“ we're having a gang bang
against the wall

j“ we'd like you to join us
it's part of the fun

j“ oh, a gang bang
is the thing to do

j“ and it takes more than one

j“ and now the action's taking place
I'm ready for my fill

j“ it's up to expectations
and it's going further still

j“ but don't be greedy, share it out
it's time to try some more

j“ so find a friend, play the game

j“ that's what a gang bang's for

j“ we're having a gang bang
we're having a ball

j“ we're having a gang bang
against the wall

j“ we'd like you to join us
it's part of the fun

j“ ooh, a gang bang
is the thing to do

j“ but it takes more than one

j“ we're having a gang bang
we're having a ball

j“ we're having a gang bang
against the wall

j“ we'd like you to join us
it's part of the fun

j“ oh, a gang bang
is the thing to do

j“ but it takes more than one

j“ we're having a gang bang
we're having a ball

j“ we're having a gang bang
against the wall

j“ we'd like you to join us
it's part of the fun

j“ oh, a gang bang is the thing
to do

j“ but it takes more than one

j“ a gang bang is the thing to do
we'd like to give you one j“

(cheering)

(Whistling)

(Bob) More!

More!

Hi, Bob! Enjoying yourself, are you?

(Crowd chant) More! More! More!

Don't go talking to people.
Mum'll be here in a minute.

- It's ok. I know him.
- What you doing here?

Well, I'm not waiting for you.

We'll take you for a ride round.

- Go on...
- You're out of luck.

(Shouting, car horns blare)

(Car horns)

(Tyres screech)

(Laughter)

(Blast of music, then music stops)

- (Rita) What's up with you?
- Everything.

I'm taking you two straight home.

Michelle's mate were in there.

Fat fucking mavis.

She has got a right mouth on her.

(Church bells peel)

(Doorbell)

(Mavis) Yoo-hoo!

- (Michelle) Hello, mavis.
- Can I have a word with you?

Yes, come in.

Will you fucking let go?

Open the back door,
would you, mavis?

- Where the hell are we going?
- To see that slut, sue.

(Barking)

(Electric guitar solo plays)

(Tyres screeching)

And where the fuck are the kids?

With your mother.
Where do you think?

- What's going on here?
- That's Rita.

What are they doing here?

What the fuck have you been up to?

- Pinching husbands!
- You dirty little bastard.

- (Sue) What have you said?
- (Rita) Nowt!

That's what you get
for mixing with sluts like her.

You tell her! Go on, sue!

- Give over shouting, you!
- I want you.

- What a fucking daughter you've got.
- What about your dirty husband?

What the fuck's been...
You with these two?

- I haven't been doin' fuck all.
- My husband is not a dirty bastard.

It's your daughter and her mate.

Are you satisfied now?

Stop blaming me.
It's as much your fault as it is mine.

- (Dad) It's all you's fault.
- It's your husband.

It's your daughter. If it's put there
on a plate, he's going to take it.

He wouldn't be much of a man
if he did owt else.

All of you's to blame. I want
to find out what's been going on!

(Man on balcony)
Go on, Kevin, you tell them!

Ha-ha! Up the ira!

Don't you stick your oar in.
I'll flatten you, you bastard!

You tell him, man, you tell him!

It's your fault! If you had sex
with him, he wouldn't go elsewhere.

- Keep your mouth shut!
- Well...

Is that what you've been saying,
you dirty bastard?

See what you've tried to cause.
Now you've done it.

- (Sue) Get fucked, will you?
- Fuck you and your mate.

21 manningham Lane!

- It's the best place for 'em!
- It's the best place for you!

- Will you let me go?
- Can't stand trouble you've caused?

Me and sue's caused.
No, that's why I'm going.

You're not. I 'aven't finished
wi' you yet, you slut.

(Man on balcony whistles)

(Bob) Let her fucking go.

Better than match of the day, this.

(Both) Well?

(Both) Well?

(Horn)

(Horns blaring, shouting)

(Screaming and yelling)

Come on, Rita! Get on.

(Dogs barking,
yelling, horns blaring)

Mavis, we're going home.

You dirty, mucky,

filthy, lying,
fucking bastard of a husband!

I hate you.

(Car horn)

Is that the lot?
You won't get much more in there.

That'll do for now.

(Tyres screech)

Michelle?

Michelle!

You bitch!

- Reet!
- Oh, hiya, come in!

Oh, get ready.
We're going to be late.

Oh, fuck school.
I'm not going any more.

- Why not?
- Because I'm not.

Oh, and don't start getting on at me.
I had enough yesterday.

We've only got two weeks
and then we leave.

Well, I'm leaving two weeks early.

Anyway, I've got summat
to tell you about Bob.

What? In't he meeting us no more?

- I'm moving in with him.
- You're what?

- He asked me and I said yeah.
- The dirty bastard!

He wants me to go today.

Well, of all the dirty tricks.

- I never thought he'd do this.
- I never thought he'd ask me.

You maybe, but me?
I can hardly believe it.

- And are you going?
- Course I am.

- You dirty cow.
- Why am I?

- Just leaving me like that.
- He asked me.

Anyway, what's your mum
have to say about this?

Only the usual crap. I'm too young.
It won't last. All that stuff.

I thought she might have stopped it.

Well, it's a bit late now, sue.

I'm pregnant.

Don't talk bleeding daft.

How can you be?
He always used johnnies.

Oh, no, he didn't.

I used to meet him, many a time,
and never told you.

- Didn't he tell you that?
- No, he fucking didn't, the sly bastard!

Do what you want! I'm not bothered!

Don't be like that, sue.
We can still be friends.

No point. You'll only be accusing me
of getting off wi' him.

Don't be silly.

How would you feel
if it were the other way round?

Bet you wouldn't be chuffed,
would you?

No, you're right. I wouldn't.
I'm sorry, sue.

(Car horn)

Jesus, it's Bob.

I'm not even dressed.

You better hurry up then.

Huh. You don't want him
to see you like that.

Why not?

From now on, he'll see me like this
every morning.

(Car horn)

- Has she told you, then?
- Yeah, why?

- Well, aren't you bothered?
- Should I be?

- I thought you would've been.
- Course I'm fucking bothered.

That's my best mate
you're going off with.

Well, you can still see her.

And me... if you'll still meet me.

No, thanks.
I won't be meeting you no more.

- Why not?
- I'm not doing the dirty on Rita.

And I don't think you should.

- Well, it's ta-ra, then.
- Never mind the ta-ras, get gone.

- See you, sue.
- (Sue) Yeah, sure.

See ya, reet.
Wish ya all the luck in the world.

(Speaking urdu)

What they saying, aslam?

He's just telling her
how much he loves her.

Why can't it have subtitles?

Because it's a Pakistani cinema.

What's she doing that for?

As soon as she stops,
they kill her boyfriend.

- Does she stop?
- Don't talk while film's showing.

- Does she?
- I don't know.

- Would you do that for me?
- Would I hell.

(Audience) Shh!

Sue?

Will you be me girlfriend?

I don't know yet.
We'll think about it.

I like you a lot.

That's nice.

- Will you, then?
- We'll see.

There's plenty of time
to think about it.

I won't bother you that much.

I've never been out
with a paki before.

Then again, I don't suppose
you'd be different from any other man.

Can I, er, put my arm round you?

- What for?
- I just want to. That's all.

Well, go on, then.

If you want to.

You don't mind, do you?

Not really.

How about a... lay down now?

(Aslam rubs his hands)

Can I kiss you?

Why do ya keep asking me
if you can do this or do that?

- Just do it if you must.
- Thanks.

I don't mean you can strip me naked
or anything like that.

(He chuckles)

(They giggle)

(Thumping rock music)

Get out! Go on! Get out!

Get out!

Bloody mutt.

(Dog barks)

(TV) '...And the fight is all about
man's best friend.

'This danger to our children's health
is a threat.

'We've asked the council
to do something,

'we go to endless meetings,
nothing has been done.'

(mum) Watch me ornaments.

They're all right.

You'll not get a bleeding job
sitting on your arse in here.

Listen who's talking. You haven't
done a day's work in years.

There's no way
I'm workin' all week

for £27.30
on some bleedin' trainin' scheme.

You should be thankful for it.

(Mum) Give over.
Even I wouldn't work for that.

I used to work for 18 shillings.

That were in t'days of methuselah.
Money were worth more then.

You get nowt for 27.30 nowadays.

(Aslam) Yes, I must say,
I agree with sue.

You keep out of this,
you black bastard.

- There's no need for that.
- Get out! Go on! Get out!

And don't come back!

Else I'll smash them fucking
black brains out your black head!

- I can't help being a paki.
- Yes, you fucking can.

- You shouldn't interfere.
- Nor should you.

You always tell folk what they should do
and you haven't done it yourself.

I've done some things.

You've done nowt
and you've been nowt all your life.

Anyhow...

I'm going to have a lie down.

And when I get up,
I want them two out of it.

Oh, go to bed!

Fucking going.

Come on, aslam. We're going.

He won't remember what he said
when he gets up.

I don't care. I'm not stopping around
to listen to him every time

he's been out drinking.

If you want,
we can go to me sister's.

At least we'll be welcome there.

(Toilet flushes)

(Farting)

(Speaks urdu)

You like Pakistan?
You go with aslam? Yes?

I don't know.
I've never been abroad.

(Aslam translates)

(Speaks urdu)

Nice place. Nice people.
See aslam mum.

- I don't like flying.
- (Aslam translates)

(Speaks urdu)

Nice, not hurt.

I don't know. I might go some day.

(Aslam translates)

(Speaks urdu)

Ok, think.

Why won't you come to Pakistan?

Cos I've read it in t'paper,
about paki fellas

taking their women and children over
and fucking leaving them.

- Don't be silly.
- I 'ave!

You'd probably sell me
to some old paki who couldn't walk.

I wouldn't sell you.

Nobody'll 'ave you.

Well, you'll never get me there
anyway, will you?

(Both laugh)

- So, what you doing now then?
- I'm living with a lad, aslam.

- Who?
- A paki?

- We live at his sister's.
- Do you like it?

Not really. It's not the place.
It's his sister I can't stand.

She won't let us sleep together.

- When you coming out?
- Tomorrow, I hope.

- Sorry you lost the baby, reet.
- It's all right.

Course it is.
We'll be able to have others.

Oh, have you 'eard it?

I know. He'd love it for me
to be banged up all t'time.

Yeah, think about
all t'family allowance we'd get.

Fuck the family allowance.
It's not you that'd look after 'em.

You tell him, reet.

I've missed you, you know.

I bet you have.

I'm not taking you straight home.

- I'm taking you up on t'moors.
- You are not!

Come on, don't be so rotten.
I'm dying for a jump.

That's your problem. Not mine.

I like you. A lot.

Don't talk rubbish.
Just take me home.

Vvhoo!

- (Car horn)
- Go on!

You thought I didn't see you,
didn't you?

See what?

You've been with that fella,
haven't you?

You haven't been to the hospital.
It were just an excuse!

That was Rita's fella. He was giving me
a lift home from t'hospital.

I bet he was.

Ask Rita when you see her
if you don't believe me.

- I will.
- Ow!

Don't let me see you with
another fella or I'll break your neck.

Fucking hell.

(Laughter)

(Music plays)

J“ Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday

j“ Thursday, Friday, too

j“ Saturday and Sunday
means that I love you

- j“ c'est si bon, c'est si bon
- j“ c'est si bon, c'est si bon

- j“ c'est la vie, c'est la vie
- j“ c'est la vie, c'est la vie

- j“ c'est ie temps, c'est ie temps
- j“ c'est ie temps, c'est ie temps

j“ for you and me

j“ la, la, la, la, ia-ia j“

(Bob moaning)

Oh, sue.

(Rita) What did you say?
(Bob) What's up?

(Rita) You called me sue.

(Bob) Did I? (Rita) Yes.

(Bob) I didn't mean to.

- (Rita) Get away from me!
- Owwww! I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to say that.
I don't know why I did.

I know why!
You've been going with her.

- No!
- I'll find out.

Look, Rita, I swear!
I haven't done anything!

Well, we'll see about that, won't we?

Reet!

Rita! Rita!

Reet! Rita!

Oh, shit.

Shh.

Where the fucking hell
have you been?

- Nowt to do wi' you.
- Don't tell me. I'm not bothered.

- (Aslam) I got something for you.
- What?

- (Aslam) This!
- What were that for?

You, you dirty bastard!

I don't know
what you're talking about!

Don't you? Right!

Oi! You can come in now!

- What's all this he's on about?
- Nothing. It doesn't matter.

It does. I want to know the truth.

- What about?
- You know, you dirty little slag.

(Rita) Aslam! Stop it! Stop it!
(Aslam) Aaaah!

Oof!

Sue, wait for me! I'm sorry!

Sue, come back! It were an accident!

You bastard!

(Sobbing)

Sue! Come back.

It were an accident!

Sue, no, wait for me! I'm sorry!

(Sobbing)

I'm sorry.

I really didn't mean
for that to happen!

(Sue giggles)

What...? What's wrong wi' you?

I'm just laughing.

What?

His face when you kicked him.

(Both laugh)

(Doorbell)

- Who the bloody hell can that be?
- I haven't got a clue.

Here y'are.

Who is it? I said who is it?
Who's there?

It's me, aslam!

- Ask him what he wants.
- What do you want?

Can I speak to susie?

Please open the door. I only want
to talk to her for a minute.

Please, open the door. I beg of you.

(Mouths words)

Please, I promise, I won't try owt.

She's not opening that door.

Go on, please. Just for one minute.

- (Sue) Why'd you want me to?
- So I can speak to you.

(Rita) Speak to her
through the window.

What do you want
to speak to me about?

Please. Come back.
I won't do it again.

Please.

Sure. You've said that before,
you lying bastard.

I know. I promise you this time.

Take no notice. They all say that.

Please, you're breaking my heart!

Quick! Run!

Aah!

I hope somebody breaks yours one day!

Yeah, but it won't be you, will it?

Please come back.
I'll give you anything.

Can't you get it into your head
she don't want to? Now, get lost!

I'll do something
to meself if she doesn't.

(Sue) Like what?

I've got tablets. I'll take 'em
if you don't come back.

Well, go on, then.
See if I'm bothered.

Pass us some water, then.

It'll be my pleasure.
Rita, get 'im some water.

Go on. Go on.

Come on, to the back door. Come on.

(Chuckles)

(Laughs)

Here's your water.

Where's your tablets?

In me hand. I'm gonna take 'em.

Go on then. Rita didn't get you
the water for nowt.

- What's he doing?
- Taking tablets.

- What's he take tablets for?
- He doesn't.

- He reckons he's taking an overdose.
- Oh!

I'm takin' 'em.

You'll stand there
and watch me do it, won't you?

Yeah, if! Bloody had to!

I've got a stomach ache.
Call me an ambulance.

I will not. There's a phone round
the corner. Go your fucking self!

- You've got no heart, have you?
- For you? No.

(Groaning)

(Sirens wail)

You lying bastard!

(Giggling)

What a fucking...

(Door slams)

What were that cop car doin'?

They came for you,
but I told them you weren't in.

It's all right, though.
They're coming back in an hour.

I have summat to tell you, Bob.

I've taken in a lodger.

- You what?
- Sue. She's coming to live here.

- Are you?
- Yeah, you don't mind, do you?

- Whose idea were this, then?
- Well, not yours, was it?

Where are you going to sleep?

In bed wi' Rita. Where else?

Well, where am I gonna sleep?

- In t'dog basket.
- We haven't got a dog.

Well, you'd better
go out and get one, then.

Come on, sue. Let's go.

- What about me tea?
- (Rita) What about it?

(Door closes)

(Sighs)

(Both) You took your fucking time,
didn't you!

(Laughter)

J“ three will do

j“ caught in time's grip

j“ he's the man in the middle

j“ and the man in the middle
can't afford to slip

j“ Rita and sue

j“ Rita and sue...

J“ and Bob, too

j“ what'll we do with Rita and sue

j“ and Bob, too?

J“ now once you've bitten
that soft centre

j“ no, you mustn't put it back
in the box

j“ it's the old sad story
about three bears

j“ three bears and goldilocks

j“ who's been messing
with my Rita and sue

j“ lavender blue

j“ and Bob, too?

J“ what'll we do with Rita and sue

j“ and Bob, too?

J“ Rita and sue

j“ Rita and sue, Rita and sue

j“ Rita and sue, Rita and sue

j“ Rita and sue

j“ and Bob, too j“