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1
00:00:02,556 --> 00:00:04,856
( audience cheering )
2
00:00:06,189 --> 00:00:09,189
( hip-hop music playing )
3
00:00:31,956 --> 00:00:35,056
Whoa!
4
00:00:36,156 --> 00:00:39,823
Yeah, Cleveland.
5
00:00:39,856 --> 00:00:41,823
What's up, Cleveland?
How you all feeling?
Everybody good?
6
00:00:41,856 --> 00:00:43,856
Y'all good?
Everybody straight?
7
00:00:43,889 --> 00:00:46,423
Cold as shit out
this bitch, ain't it?
8
00:00:46,456 --> 00:00:49,089
I don't like that--
All this snow.
9
00:00:49,123 --> 00:00:51,256
I don't like that shit.
Y'all got that slushy shit,
10
00:00:51,289 --> 00:00:53,923
that slipping snow.
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00:00:53,956 --> 00:00:55,956
Hey, look--
God damn it.
12
00:00:55,989 --> 00:00:59,123
There's slush.
There's slush right there.
Watch the slush.
13
00:00:59,156 --> 00:01:00,722
I don't like that shit.
Y'all ain't supposed to
have snow out here.
14
00:01:00,723 --> 00:01:02,023
I don't like that shit.
Y'all ain't supposed to
have snow out here.
15
00:01:02,056 --> 00:01:04,189
Good year for y'all though.
Right now got--
16
00:01:04,223 --> 00:01:06,189
Before I even get started,
shouts out to--
17
00:01:06,223 --> 00:01:08,423
-
( woman shouts )
- Hey, sugar foot.
How you doing?
18
00:01:08,456 --> 00:01:10,923
How you doing, sweetie?
Get it out now.
19
00:01:10,956 --> 00:01:12,856
Before we get started,
shouts out to my man Shaq
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00:01:12,889 --> 00:01:15,989
up front showing love.
The cavs.
21
00:01:16,023 --> 00:01:18,223
( cheering )
22
00:01:18,256 --> 00:01:20,223
My man LeBron in the house.
23
00:01:20,256 --> 00:01:21,956
Shout out to our boy
LeBron in the house.
24
00:01:24,389 --> 00:01:27,523
It's a good year for y'all.
A good year for y'all.
25
00:01:27,556 --> 00:01:30,722
Y'all might do it.
Y'all might do it.
26
00:01:30,723 --> 00:01:31,356
Y'all might do it.
Y'all might do it.
27
00:01:31,389 --> 00:01:33,523
All right, y'all got me
up here for a while, all right?
28
00:01:33,556 --> 00:01:36,223
And this time--
About an hour.
29
00:01:36,256 --> 00:01:37,989
I'm gonna be up here
about an hour.
30
00:01:38,023 --> 00:01:39,523
Now in this time y'all gonna
hear a lot of stuff.
31
00:01:39,556 --> 00:01:41,289
I'm not gonna lie to y'all.
Don't judge me.
32
00:01:41,323 --> 00:01:44,023
I don't want nobody
judging me.
33
00:01:44,056 --> 00:01:45,756
I love to be honest
when I'm on stage.
34
00:01:45,789 --> 00:01:48,089
I talk about things that
I know-- My family, my kids.
35
00:01:48,123 --> 00:01:49,423
I love to talk
about my babies.
36
00:01:49,456 --> 00:01:51,256
Two babies--
Little boy and little girl.
37
00:01:51,289 --> 00:01:53,389
Now I used to talk about
my son being a dumb baby.
38
00:01:53,423 --> 00:01:55,023
I used to.
I'm serious, I did.
39
00:01:55,056 --> 00:01:57,056
I thought my baby
was a dumb baby.
40
00:01:57,089 --> 00:02:00,089
But now I've realized he's not
dumb, he just does dumb shit.
41
00:02:00,123 --> 00:02:00,722
Like, I don't like the way
my son throws his tantrums.
42
00:02:00,723 --> 00:02:03,189
Like, I don't like the way
my son throws his tantrums.
43
00:02:03,223 --> 00:02:05,089
You know, when a baby
throws a tantrum
44
00:02:05,123 --> 00:02:07,256
he's supposed to fall out,
cry, roll on the ground.
45
00:02:07,289 --> 00:02:09,489
That's a tantrum.
This is not a joke,
this is for real.
46
00:02:09,523 --> 00:02:11,456
This is what my son does
when he gets mad.
47
00:02:11,489 --> 00:02:13,856
I'm not lying.
Don't make me laugh. Look.
48
00:02:13,889 --> 00:02:16,223
This is what he do.
He goes...
49
00:02:17,989 --> 00:02:19,856
This is what he do.
He go...
50
00:02:23,456 --> 00:02:26,523
It's the most retarded thing
I've ever seen in my life.
51
00:02:26,556 --> 00:02:28,523
I can't say nothing.
I got to wait till he's finished
52
00:02:28,556 --> 00:02:30,722
then explain to people
what happened.
53
00:02:30,723 --> 00:02:30,823
then explain to people
what happened.
54
00:02:30,856 --> 00:02:33,889
He got an attitude
'cause he can't get no candy.
55
00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:37,256
My baby is weird, man.
56
00:02:37,289 --> 00:02:39,156
When he gets mad
he gets in the oven.
57
00:02:39,189 --> 00:02:41,489
I swear to God.
He gets in the oven.
58
00:02:41,523 --> 00:02:43,756
Then get an attitude with me
when I get him out.
59
00:02:43,789 --> 00:02:46,223
Boy, get your ass
out of the damn oven.
60
00:02:47,889 --> 00:02:51,056
Get your ass out of the oven
before I turn it on.
61
00:02:51,089 --> 00:02:53,823
When I say that he go,
"hot. Hot.
62
00:02:53,856 --> 00:02:57,789
That thing hot, daddy."
63
00:02:57,823 --> 00:02:59,356
I love him
to death though, man.
64
00:02:59,389 --> 00:03:00,722
Two-- A little boy
and little girl.
Now my daughter,
65
00:03:00,723 --> 00:03:01,756
Two-- A little boy
and little girl.
Now my daughter,
66
00:03:01,789 --> 00:03:03,989
my daughter's
a different ballgame.
My daughter's spoiled, man.
67
00:03:04,023 --> 00:03:05,523
About to be five.
Spoiled. I'm not gonna lie.
68
00:03:05,556 --> 00:03:07,156
I spoil her.
That's what I'm supposed to do.
69
00:03:07,189 --> 00:03:10,023
She's at that age now
though where she knows.
70
00:03:10,056 --> 00:03:13,023
She knows how to play me
and her mom against each other.
She knows how to make us fight.
71
00:03:13,056 --> 00:03:14,923
Here's how she got me
in trouble the other day.
72
00:03:14,956 --> 00:03:17,223
She came in the room,
she hit me with the soft voice.
73
00:03:17,256 --> 00:03:18,856
She's like, "dad,
can I have a cookie?"
74
00:03:18,889 --> 00:03:20,789
I said, "yeah, baby.
Let's go get a cookie."
75
00:03:20,823 --> 00:03:22,289
I start walking
towards the kitchen.
76
00:03:22,323 --> 00:03:24,189
Out of nowhere
all I hear is,
77
00:03:24,223 --> 00:03:27,089
"don't give her
no goddamn cookie!"
78
00:03:27,123 --> 00:03:29,756
Scared the shit out of me.
I stopped.
79
00:03:29,789 --> 00:03:30,722
I didn't know what it was.
I thought it was Jesus at first.
80
00:03:30,723 --> 00:03:33,156
I didn't know what it was.
I thought it was Jesus at first.
81
00:03:33,189 --> 00:03:35,423
I went, "why can't she
have a cookie, Jesus?
82
00:03:35,456 --> 00:03:37,856
What did she do?"
83
00:03:37,889 --> 00:03:40,756
But here's how smart she is.
She knew how to get a reaction
out of me.
84
00:03:40,789 --> 00:03:43,423
She looked at me.
She said, "dad, I thought you
was the king of the house."
85
00:03:43,456 --> 00:03:45,289
When she said that,
it set me off.
86
00:03:45,323 --> 00:03:47,356
It riled me up.
So I snapped.
87
00:03:47,389 --> 00:03:50,356
I said, "what the fuck
you mean she can't have
no goddamn cookie?
88
00:03:50,389 --> 00:03:53,189
Why'd you buy the cookies
if can't nobody eat a cookie?
89
00:03:53,223 --> 00:03:55,856
That makes you stupid for
buying uneatable cookies.
90
00:03:55,889 --> 00:03:57,156
Ain't nobody
getting a cookie."
91
00:03:57,189 --> 00:03:58,456
I shut the whole cookie
operation down.
92
00:03:58,489 --> 00:04:00,356
I grabbed the cookies,
got my ladder,
93
00:04:00,389 --> 00:04:00,722
put them on top
of the refrigerator.
Then I hid my ladder.
94
00:04:00,723 --> 00:04:03,456
put them on top
of the refrigerator.
Then I hid my ladder.
95
00:04:03,489 --> 00:04:06,423
It wasn't a big ladder.
96
00:04:06,456 --> 00:04:08,389
Three steps.
It's a ladder for thugs.
97
00:04:08,423 --> 00:04:10,456
Pap pap pap,
real quick.
98
00:04:10,489 --> 00:04:12,889
Little thug ladder.
99
00:04:12,923 --> 00:04:15,756
This parenting thing is hard.
You need patience.
100
00:04:15,789 --> 00:04:17,423
Got to have a lot of patience
to deal with these kids.
101
00:04:17,456 --> 00:04:19,823
I'm not gonna lie,
I don't have a lot of patience.
102
00:04:19,856 --> 00:04:21,356
I'm learning.
I'm trying.
103
00:04:21,389 --> 00:04:23,323
Certain things
make me mad.
104
00:04:23,356 --> 00:04:25,456
Like, I don't like it
when I tell my kids
to do stuff
105
00:04:25,489 --> 00:04:27,289
and they do
exactly what I say.
106
00:04:27,323 --> 00:04:28,989
I want you to do
what I say,
107
00:04:29,023 --> 00:04:30,722
but I want you to do it how
I pictured you doing it.
108
00:04:30,723 --> 00:04:31,923
but I want you to do it how
I pictured you doing it.
109
00:04:31,956 --> 00:04:33,523
Don't do it the way
you want to do it.
110
00:04:33,556 --> 00:04:35,889
Do it the way I saw you doing it
when I told you to do it.
111
00:04:35,923 --> 00:04:38,456
It might be confusing,
but this is serious to me.
112
00:04:38,489 --> 00:04:41,089
The other day my son,
he's suped up off candy.
113
00:04:41,123 --> 00:04:43,256
He's running
all over the house.
I got mad.
114
00:04:43,289 --> 00:04:45,123
"Hey, that's it.
Come here.
115
00:04:45,156 --> 00:04:47,023
Shut it down.
Go to bed."
116
00:04:47,056 --> 00:04:48,923
Swear to God,
this is what he did.
This made me so mad.
117
00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:50,256
Standing up,
this is what he did.
118
00:04:50,289 --> 00:04:52,256
I said, "go to bed."
He said, "ah"
119
00:04:52,289 --> 00:04:55,089
( snoring )
120
00:04:55,123 --> 00:04:57,423
I was so mad.
"Wake your damn ass up.
121
00:04:57,456 --> 00:05:00,423
You don't sleep standing up.
122
00:05:00,456 --> 00:05:00,722
You're not no vampire."
123
00:05:00,723 --> 00:05:03,756
You're not no vampire."
124
00:05:03,789 --> 00:05:06,489
I was mad 'cause I didn't know
how to explain why I was mad.
125
00:05:06,523 --> 00:05:09,456
You don't close your eyes till
your brain tells your body
126
00:05:09,489 --> 00:05:11,889
to shut everything down.
127
00:05:15,189 --> 00:05:18,456
I got a lot of fears, man.
I got a lot of fears
as a parent.
128
00:05:18,489 --> 00:05:20,423
Let me tell you guys
one of my biggest fears.
129
00:05:20,456 --> 00:05:23,856
One of my biggest fears is my
son growing up and being gay.
130
00:05:23,889 --> 00:05:26,489
That's a fear.
Keep in mind I'm not homophobic.
131
00:05:26,523 --> 00:05:29,423
I have nothing against
gay people. Be happy,
do what you wanna do.
132
00:05:29,456 --> 00:05:30,722
But me being
a heterosexual male,
133
00:05:30,723 --> 00:05:31,456
But me being
a heterosexual male,
134
00:05:31,489 --> 00:05:34,056
if I can prevent my son
from being gay, I will.
135
00:05:34,089 --> 00:05:36,756
Now with that being said,
I don't know
136
00:05:36,789 --> 00:05:41,189
if I handled my son's
first gay moment correctly.
137
00:05:41,223 --> 00:05:44,256
Every kid has a gay moment.
Okay? Every kid.
138
00:05:44,289 --> 00:05:46,123
But when it happens,
you've got to nip it
in the bud.
139
00:05:46,156 --> 00:05:49,156
You got to stop it right then.
"Hey, stop! That's gay!"
140
00:05:49,189 --> 00:05:52,156
It's quick.
"No!"
141
00:05:52,189 --> 00:05:56,823
I don't know if I handled
my son's situation right.
142
00:05:56,856 --> 00:05:58,756
Okay? He's at
a birthday party, right?
143
00:05:58,789 --> 00:06:00,722
My son's at a birthday party,
he's playing.
144
00:06:00,723 --> 00:06:00,889
My son's at a birthday party,
he's playing.
145
00:06:00,923 --> 00:06:03,189
You know when kids play,
they just play.
146
00:06:03,223 --> 00:06:04,923
You don't know what
they're doing but they're
having a good time.
147
00:06:04,956 --> 00:06:07,256
They're just doing
a bunch of stuff, right?
148
00:06:07,289 --> 00:06:09,789
They're moving around.
I said, "okay, he's good."
149
00:06:09,823 --> 00:06:12,489
I finished talking,
I turn back around to
check on my son again,
150
00:06:12,523 --> 00:06:17,089
a little boy was grinding
on my son's ass.
151
00:06:17,123 --> 00:06:18,856
He was like this.
I didn't know what to do.
152
00:06:18,889 --> 00:06:21,289
I panicked.
I knocked them both down.
153
00:06:21,323 --> 00:06:24,423
"Hey, what's going on here?
What kind of party is this?
154
00:06:24,456 --> 00:06:27,423
Huh? What kind
of party is this?
155
00:06:27,456 --> 00:06:30,223
What's going on here?"
This lady came out.
156
00:06:30,256 --> 00:06:30,722
She was like,
"what are you doing?
They're kids, let them play."
157
00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:32,823
She was like,
"what are you doing?
They're kids, let them play."
158
00:06:32,856 --> 00:06:36,756
I said, "you show me another
kid getting fucked in the ass
and I'll calm down."
159
00:06:36,789 --> 00:06:40,189
My son had on corduroys.
That's why I had attitude.
160
00:06:40,223 --> 00:06:42,156
I didn't see it,
I heard it.
161
00:06:42,189 --> 00:06:44,223
All I heard was...
Brr brr brr.
162
00:06:44,256 --> 00:06:48,156
"What the? Who the hell
is playing with cards?
163
00:06:48,189 --> 00:06:51,756
What is that?
Is somebody shuffling cards?
164
00:06:51,789 --> 00:06:55,289
They're too young
for spades here."
165
00:06:55,323 --> 00:06:57,856
The thing
that pissed me off--
166
00:06:57,889 --> 00:06:59,856
Here's what
pissed me off, man.
167
00:06:59,889 --> 00:07:00,722
I was eating a buffalo wing
when it happened.
168
00:07:00,723 --> 00:07:02,389
I was eating a buffalo wing
when it happened.
169
00:07:02,423 --> 00:07:04,356
I should have dropped
the wing and ran over there,
170
00:07:04,389 --> 00:07:06,423
but I licked
my fingers first.
171
00:07:06,456 --> 00:07:08,456
I didn't mean it.
I said, "hey!
172
00:07:08,489 --> 00:07:11,289
Boy!"
173
00:07:11,323 --> 00:07:14,189
The black in me came out.
174
00:07:14,223 --> 00:07:16,256
There's a lot of pressure
dealing with kids, man.
175
00:07:16,289 --> 00:07:18,023
But I'm learning.
Here's one thing I've learned.
176
00:07:18,056 --> 00:07:19,956
Here's why my patience
is getting better.
177
00:07:19,989 --> 00:07:22,356
I'VE REALIZED THIS:
My kids are gonna
make mistakes.
178
00:07:22,389 --> 00:07:24,956
The reason why--
When I was a kid
I made mistakes.
179
00:07:24,989 --> 00:07:26,889
I did a lot
of stupid stuff as a child.
180
00:07:26,923 --> 00:07:29,023
My blood's in them.
They're gonna follow suit.
181
00:07:29,056 --> 00:07:30,722
With that being said,
I don't get as mad
as I used to.
182
00:07:30,723 --> 00:07:31,523
With that being said,
I don't get as mad
as I used to.
183
00:07:31,556 --> 00:07:34,489
I'm calming down.
My daughter cursed for
the first time the other day.
184
00:07:34,523 --> 00:07:36,856
I didn't get mad.
We was watching "SpongeBob."
185
00:07:36,889 --> 00:07:38,456
Something happened
to Patrick.
186
00:07:38,489 --> 00:07:41,056
Out of nowhere she got mad.
She's like, "shit!"
187
00:07:41,089 --> 00:07:44,056
I said, "wait, what?
What did you say?"
188
00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:47,189
She's like, "shit!
They got Patrick, dad.
You not watching?"
189
00:07:47,223 --> 00:07:50,856
I said, "whoa.
All right."
190
00:07:50,889 --> 00:07:53,256
Here's why I didn't
get an attitude.
191
00:07:53,289 --> 00:07:55,456
I'm gonna tell you why
I didn't get an attitude.
192
00:07:55,489 --> 00:07:57,923
I didn't give her
attitude because I remember
my first time cussing.
193
00:07:57,956 --> 00:08:00,722
My first time cussing
was 'cause my mom smacked me
in front of company.
194
00:08:00,723 --> 00:08:01,123
My first time cussing
was 'cause my mom smacked me
in front of company.
195
00:08:01,156 --> 00:08:03,223
My friends
was over my house.
I'm downstairs.
196
00:08:03,256 --> 00:08:04,956
We're playing,
we're having a good time.
197
00:08:04,989 --> 00:08:06,789
My mom comes downstairs,
she said, "hey.
198
00:08:06,823 --> 00:08:08,856
I told you to keep it down.
You don't run this house,
199
00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:11,523
I do, okay?
With that being said,
that's it.
200
00:08:11,556 --> 00:08:13,323
You're done.
Go to bed."
201
00:08:13,356 --> 00:08:15,256
Smacked me.
Sent me up to my room.
202
00:08:15,289 --> 00:08:17,189
Now you know
when you get smacked
when you're a kid
203
00:08:17,223 --> 00:08:19,256
you get hyped
when you get by yourself.
204
00:08:19,289 --> 00:08:22,423
"You gonna smack me, bitch?
205
00:08:22,456 --> 00:08:24,789
( shrieking )
In front of my friends?
206
00:08:24,823 --> 00:08:27,423
You gonna smack me?!"
207
00:08:27,456 --> 00:08:30,722
I was emotional.
I was an emotional-ass kid.
208
00:08:30,723 --> 00:08:31,989
I was emotional.
I was an emotional-ass kid.
209
00:08:32,023 --> 00:08:34,956
"I'm running away!
That's it!"
210
00:08:34,989 --> 00:08:36,989
I packed a bag
and everything.
211
00:08:37,023 --> 00:08:39,456
You know how many times
I packed a bag with a toy?
212
00:08:39,489 --> 00:08:41,756
I packed a bag
with one toy.
213
00:08:41,789 --> 00:08:43,423
"I'm out.
I'm sick of it.
214
00:08:43,456 --> 00:08:46,489
Me and He-Man are out."
215
00:08:49,089 --> 00:08:52,823
My mom gave me permission
to cuss one time.
216
00:08:52,856 --> 00:08:54,756
One time she gave me
permission to cuss.
217
00:08:54,789 --> 00:08:56,423
I'm in school,
I'm being bad.
218
00:08:56,456 --> 00:08:58,489
My teacher got mad.
Said, "Kevin, come here."
219
00:08:58,523 --> 00:09:00,856
Told me to come to
the front of the class.
Wrote a note,
220
00:09:00,889 --> 00:09:02,789
stapled the note
to my chest.
221
00:09:02,823 --> 00:09:04,423
Said, "make sure your mother
reads the note."
222
00:09:04,456 --> 00:09:06,156
I get home,
my mom reads the note.
223
00:09:06,189 --> 00:09:08,489
The note said, "maybe if
you showed your son
224
00:09:08,523 --> 00:09:11,889
some more attention
at home, he wouldn't act
like a fool in school."
225
00:09:11,923 --> 00:09:14,889
My mom read the note.
She said, "let me tell
you something.
226
00:09:14,923 --> 00:09:17,889
You tell her
mind her damn business
227
00:09:17,923 --> 00:09:18,833
before I come down there
and I beat her ass."
228
00:09:18,834 --> 00:09:21,756
before I come down there
and I beat her ass."
229
00:09:21,789 --> 00:09:24,389
I said, "okay. You want me
to say it like that?
230
00:09:24,423 --> 00:09:26,156
Or do you want me
to take some stuff out?"
231
00:09:26,189 --> 00:09:30,156
"What I say?
Tell her mind
her damn business
232
00:09:30,189 --> 00:09:32,756
before I come down there
and I beat her ass."
233
00:09:32,789 --> 00:09:34,956
I said, "no,
I heard what you said.
I just want to make sure
234
00:09:34,989 --> 00:09:37,123
that you know that
you're telling me to say
the same thing."
235
00:09:37,156 --> 00:09:39,823
"Kevin, if I tell you
again I'm gonna smack
the shit out of you."
236
00:09:39,856 --> 00:09:43,356
"Okay. No, I got it.
Okay, I got it.
237
00:09:43,389 --> 00:09:45,189
Okay, I got it.
No, I got it.
238
00:09:45,223 --> 00:09:46,989
All right, okay."
239
00:09:47,023 --> 00:09:48,833
Keep in mind it's a lot
of pressure, all right?
240
00:09:48,834 --> 00:09:49,256
Keep in mind it's a lot
of pressure, all right?
241
00:09:49,289 --> 00:09:52,123
My mom just gave me
permission to go to school
and cuss my teacher out.
242
00:09:52,156 --> 00:09:53,889
I didn't feel comfortable
with the situation.
243
00:09:53,923 --> 00:09:55,756
So I wanted to practice.
I wanted to go upstairs,
244
00:09:55,789 --> 00:09:57,289
I wanted to go
over my lines.
245
00:09:57,323 --> 00:10:00,323
So I'm in the mirror,
I'm going over my lines.
246
00:10:00,356 --> 00:10:03,189
I'm like, "okay, all right.
Okay, all right. Okay.
247
00:10:03,223 --> 00:10:06,856
My mom told me
to tell you
248
00:10:06,889 --> 00:10:08,423
to mind your damn--
249
00:10:08,456 --> 00:10:10,856
No, that's too loud.
That's way too loud.
250
00:10:10,889 --> 00:10:13,289
That's not believable.
It's too loud."
251
00:10:13,323 --> 00:10:15,456
Finally I go over it.
I get it down.
252
00:10:15,489 --> 00:10:18,389
I'm like, you know what?
I'm gonna go to bed early,
get some rest.
253
00:10:18,423 --> 00:10:18,833
'cause I got a big day
ahead of me tomorrow.
254
00:10:18,834 --> 00:10:20,323
'cause I got a big day
ahead of me tomorrow.
255
00:10:20,356 --> 00:10:22,489
I don't want
to mess this up.
256
00:10:22,523 --> 00:10:25,256
So I go to bed.
I wake up, get dressed.
257
00:10:25,289 --> 00:10:27,523
Put on my pants and my shirt.
I get on the school bus.
258
00:10:27,556 --> 00:10:28,956
All my friends see me.
They get hyped.
259
00:10:28,989 --> 00:10:31,489
"Ooh, Kevin's on the bus.
260
00:10:31,523 --> 00:10:34,289
Everybody look.
Kevin's on the bus.
What up, Kev?"
261
00:10:34,323 --> 00:10:36,489
I was like,
"yo, not today, y'all.
262
00:10:36,523 --> 00:10:38,423
I got a lot of stuff
on my mind.
263
00:10:38,456 --> 00:10:40,989
I can't really have
y'all throwing me off."
264
00:10:41,023 --> 00:10:42,856
My friends was like,
"what are you talking about?"
265
00:10:42,889 --> 00:10:44,756
"I can't really get into it.
All I can tell y'all
266
00:10:44,789 --> 00:10:47,056
is that it's about
to go down."
267
00:10:47,089 --> 00:10:48,833
He was like, "what?"
I said, "look, man.
268
00:10:48,834 --> 00:10:49,423
He was like, "what?"
I said, "look, man.
269
00:10:49,456 --> 00:10:51,923
It's about to go down.
Just be behind me when
I walk in class."
270
00:10:51,956 --> 00:10:54,223
He said,
"all right, cool."
I walk in class,
271
00:10:54,256 --> 00:10:57,123
miss green my teacher,
she starts speaking
to everybody.
272
00:10:57,156 --> 00:11:00,189
"Hello. Good morning.
Good morning. Hello.
273
00:11:00,223 --> 00:11:03,056
Hello. Good morning."
She sees me, she was like,
274
00:11:03,089 --> 00:11:05,756
"Kevin."
I said, "miss green."
275
00:11:05,789 --> 00:11:07,856
She said, "did you let
your mother read the note?"
276
00:11:07,889 --> 00:11:10,289
I said, "yes I did."
277
00:11:10,323 --> 00:11:12,789
She said, "well, what did
your mother say?"
278
00:11:12,823 --> 00:11:14,756
I took a deep breath.
I looked at my friends.
279
00:11:14,789 --> 00:11:17,456
I was like,
"it's about to go down."
280
00:11:17,489 --> 00:11:18,833
I said, "well...
281
00:11:18,834 --> 00:11:21,156
I said, "well...
282
00:11:21,189 --> 00:11:24,189
My mom told me to tell you
283
00:11:24,223 --> 00:11:28,356
to mind your damn
motherfucking business, bitch.
284
00:11:28,389 --> 00:11:30,256
Little stupid bitch.
285
00:11:30,289 --> 00:11:32,423
Little dumb teacher bitch.
286
00:11:32,456 --> 00:11:35,856
2+2 not knowing what
the fuck it is bitch.
287
00:11:35,889 --> 00:11:39,956
Cross-eyed, crying down
your back fat foot ass bitch.
288
00:11:39,989 --> 00:11:43,389
Long tittied, no nipple
having ass bitch."
289
00:11:43,423 --> 00:11:46,256
The shit was crazy.
290
00:11:46,289 --> 00:11:48,833
My friends was in the back
and they was like, "oooh!
291
00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:50,223
My friends was in the back
and they was like, "oooh!
292
00:11:51,523 --> 00:11:54,956
He said she ain't had
no nipples."
293
00:11:56,389 --> 00:11:58,923
I got suspended.
I got suspended
294
00:11:58,956 --> 00:12:00,823
and an ass whipping.
295
00:12:00,856 --> 00:12:02,889
My mom beat the shit
out of me when I got home.
296
00:12:02,923 --> 00:12:05,089
"I told you to say
two cuss words.
297
00:12:05,123 --> 00:12:07,856
You said 76 of them."
298
00:12:07,889 --> 00:12:10,256
I thought I was
Samuel L. Jackson.
299
00:12:10,289 --> 00:12:12,323
I'm sick and tired of these
motherfucking teachers in this
motherfucking school.
300
00:12:12,356 --> 00:12:14,489
I had a trench coat on
and I flapped it.
301
00:12:16,523 --> 00:12:18,523
You know when you flap it,
you got to get that
air under it.
302
00:12:18,556 --> 00:12:18,833
Like fuck
everybody in this bitch.
I don't give a shit.
303
00:12:18,834 --> 00:12:21,056
Like fuck
everybody in this bitch.
I don't give a shit.
304
00:12:21,089 --> 00:12:23,723
I'm a goddamn thug.
305
00:12:26,489 --> 00:12:29,056
You can't be so hard
on your kids, man.
306
00:12:29,089 --> 00:12:31,156
One of my friends
got a teenage daughter.
307
00:12:31,189 --> 00:12:33,789
He too strict.
I told him, "you got to relax.
308
00:12:33,823 --> 00:12:35,989
That girl gonna do
what she want to do when
you're not around anyway.
309
00:12:36,023 --> 00:12:38,389
Relax, man."
He said, "Kev, let me
tell you something.
310
00:12:38,423 --> 00:12:39,956
Do what you want to do
with your kids.
311
00:12:39,989 --> 00:12:41,323
Don't tell me how
to raise my kids."
312
00:12:41,356 --> 00:12:43,089
I said, "you're right.
I apologize."
313
00:12:43,123 --> 00:12:45,989
Now this isn't funny,
but it made me laugh, okay?
314
00:12:46,023 --> 00:12:48,756
He goes to his daughter's
phone and he finds a picture
315
00:12:48,789 --> 00:12:48,833
of a little boy's thing
on the phone. Right?
316
00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:51,789
of a little boy's thing
on the phone. Right?
317
00:12:51,823 --> 00:12:55,123
Now it's my friend, okay?
Tells me everything.
318
00:12:55,156 --> 00:12:58,156
It's not funny that he
found a picture of a little
boy's thing on the phone.
319
00:12:58,189 --> 00:12:59,856
It was funny
the way he told me.
320
00:12:59,889 --> 00:13:01,856
He confides in me.
He tells me everything.
321
00:13:01,889 --> 00:13:04,189
He comes on the tour bus,
he mad as shit.
322
00:13:04,223 --> 00:13:06,223
He says, "Kev, you're
not gonna believe this.
I go through Tiffany's phone.
323
00:13:06,256 --> 00:13:09,189
I found a picture of a little
boy's, uh, situation
324
00:13:09,223 --> 00:13:11,289
on the phone."
325
00:13:11,323 --> 00:13:13,056
I said, "what?
What?"
326
00:13:13,089 --> 00:13:15,056
"I found a picture
of the hot dog
327
00:13:15,089 --> 00:13:17,323
without the bun
on the phone."
328
00:13:17,356 --> 00:13:18,833
"What are you talking--"
"A tallynackle. She had--
329
00:13:18,834 --> 00:13:20,856
"What are you talking--"
"A tallynackle. She had--
330
00:13:20,889 --> 00:13:24,223
It's a dick on the phone!
She got a dick on the phone!"
331
00:13:24,256 --> 00:13:27,523
I didn't know what to say
so I just kept repeating
what he said.
332
00:13:27,556 --> 00:13:29,756
I said, "so you're telling me
he is a dick on the phone?"
333
00:13:29,789 --> 00:13:31,923
He said, "there's a dick
on the phone."
334
00:13:31,956 --> 00:13:34,189
"So right now if I look
in the phone there's gonna
be a dick in it?"
335
00:13:34,223 --> 00:13:36,423
I said,
"well, what you gonna do?"
336
00:13:36,456 --> 00:13:38,056
He said, "what you
think I'm gonna do?
I'm about to go to the school."
337
00:13:38,089 --> 00:13:40,123
I said, "why you going
to the school?"
338
00:13:40,156 --> 00:13:42,423
He said, "why you think?
I'm about to find out
whose dick it was.
339
00:13:42,456 --> 00:13:44,389
That's why I'm going
to the school."
340
00:13:44,423 --> 00:13:46,123
I said, "yo, I don't think
that's a good look.
341
00:13:46,156 --> 00:13:47,956
I don't think
you should do that.
342
00:13:47,989 --> 00:13:48,833
I don't think you should
go to the school
with a picture
343
00:13:48,834 --> 00:13:49,456
I don't think you should
go to the school
with a picture
344
00:13:49,489 --> 00:13:51,389
of a little boy's dick
in the phone
345
00:13:51,423 --> 00:13:53,823
and try to match it up
to other little boys.
346
00:13:53,856 --> 00:13:56,256
That's a little pedophile-ish,
don't you think?
347
00:13:56,289 --> 00:13:59,889
You'll be in jail
before 3:00."
348
00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:02,023
He said,
"well, what would you do?"
349
00:14:02,056 --> 00:14:04,189
By far the most difficult
question I've ever been
asked in my life.
350
00:14:04,223 --> 00:14:06,389
He said, "what would you do?"
I thought about it.
I don't know.
351
00:14:06,423 --> 00:14:09,089
I don't know what I would
do if I found a picture
352
00:14:09,123 --> 00:14:11,023
of a little boy's thing
on my daughter's phone.
I don't know what I'd do.
353
00:14:11,056 --> 00:14:13,756
I'd probably
punch her in the throat.
I don't know.
354
00:14:13,789 --> 00:14:15,423
'cause I got a son too, okay?
355
00:14:15,456 --> 00:14:17,423
If I found out that my son is
pulling his thing out at school,
356
00:14:17,456 --> 00:14:18,833
when his mother's around
I'm gonna have an attitude.
357
00:14:18,834 --> 00:14:19,389
when his mother's around
I'm gonna have an attitude.
358
00:14:19,423 --> 00:14:21,323
I'm gonna have a lot
of stuff to say.
359
00:14:21,356 --> 00:14:25,956
"Really? Really, dude?
That's what you
do at school?
360
00:14:25,989 --> 00:14:29,089
So you don't need pants
'cause your dick is out,
361
00:14:29,123 --> 00:14:31,123
that's what
you're telling me?"
362
00:14:31,156 --> 00:14:33,156
As soon as his mom leaves--
"Hey, come here.
363
00:14:33,189 --> 00:14:35,389
What she say
when she saw it?
364
00:14:35,423 --> 00:14:37,789
Give me some.
Give me some. Yes!
365
00:14:37,823 --> 00:14:40,789
Hell yeah! Sometimes
you got to put it
on the table, son.
366
00:14:40,823 --> 00:14:42,489
Let 'em see it.
We small but we big
367
00:14:42,523 --> 00:14:45,089
at the same time.
Let 'em know."
368
00:14:47,889 --> 00:14:48,833
I'm a different type
of parent.
369
00:14:48,834 --> 00:14:50,123
I'm a different type
of parent.
370
00:14:50,156 --> 00:14:52,123
I am a different
type of parent.
371
00:14:52,156 --> 00:14:55,423
I'm not gonna lie.
Certain things I do
differently.
372
00:14:55,456 --> 00:14:57,423
I don't like babysitting.
I can admit that.
373
00:14:57,456 --> 00:14:59,456
I don't like watching
my kids by myself--
374
00:14:59,489 --> 00:15:01,356
Too much pressure.
375
00:15:01,389 --> 00:15:04,756
No man does.
No man in this room
is a good babysitter.
376
00:15:04,789 --> 00:15:07,089
I can tell you how
every man in this room
watches kids.
377
00:15:07,123 --> 00:15:09,289
We sit on the couch
378
00:15:09,323 --> 00:15:12,389
and listen for shit.
379
00:15:12,423 --> 00:15:15,089
That's how we watch our kids.
Kids do whatever they want
when they're with dad.
380
00:15:15,123 --> 00:15:17,156
"Hey! Hey!
381
00:15:24,289 --> 00:15:27,189
I know y'all
not in that toilet.
382
00:15:27,223 --> 00:15:30,089
Y'all better not
be in that toilet!"
383
00:15:30,123 --> 00:15:31,889
We ain't
gonna do nothing.
384
00:15:35,456 --> 00:15:40,156
I definitely don't like
watching other people's kids.
It's too much pressure.
385
00:15:40,189 --> 00:15:42,023
There's nothing worse
than watching somebody
else's baby
386
00:15:42,056 --> 00:15:44,123
and you give them
their baby back
in a condition
387
00:15:44,156 --> 00:15:46,423
that they didn't
give you their baby in.
388
00:15:46,456 --> 00:15:48,833
Like you ever have
to explain something
before they see their baby?
389
00:15:48,834 --> 00:15:49,056
Like you ever have
to explain something
before they see their baby?
390
00:15:49,089 --> 00:15:51,189
"Hey, real quick before
you look at your baby.
391
00:15:51,223 --> 00:15:54,489
Uh, your baby had two eyes
for sure,
right?
392
00:15:54,523 --> 00:15:57,356
Okay, so it
happened here.
393
00:15:57,389 --> 00:16:00,189
LONG STORY SHORT:
Gas went off in the kitchen,
394
00:16:00,223 --> 00:16:02,123
blew the back
of your baby's face out.
395
00:16:02,156 --> 00:16:04,089
It was crazy.
My baby knew what to do.
He got in the oven.
396
00:16:04,123 --> 00:16:06,123
Your baby just stood there.
397
00:16:06,156 --> 00:16:09,056
Y'all don't run in your house?
Don't nobody run in your house?"
398
00:16:11,089 --> 00:16:12,923
I had one little girl
get hurt over at my house.
399
00:16:12,956 --> 00:16:15,323
Scariest thing ever, man.
One little girl, right?
400
00:16:15,356 --> 00:16:18,289
My daughter got
real big bunk beds.
401
00:16:18,323 --> 00:16:18,833
I'm in the living room.
I'm watching TV.
402
00:16:18,834 --> 00:16:19,989
I'm in the living room.
I'm watching TV.
403
00:16:20,023 --> 00:16:21,989
Her and her friends,
they in the room playing.
404
00:16:22,023 --> 00:16:23,923
Out of nowhere,
I hear a loud bang.
405
00:16:23,956 --> 00:16:25,989
Bang!
Little girl start crying.
406
00:16:26,023 --> 00:16:28,189
Aah! Aaaaaah!
407
00:16:30,189 --> 00:16:33,156
I come in the room,
the girls are standing
around her.
408
00:16:33,189 --> 00:16:35,189
They all standing
around her. One girl
is on her knee
409
00:16:35,223 --> 00:16:38,056
looking at her face to face.
This is what almost
MADE ME LAUGH:
410
00:16:38,089 --> 00:16:41,223
When I came in the room,
the girl looked at me
like "hm hm hm."
411
00:16:41,256 --> 00:16:43,889
But I can't laugh
'cause I'm in daddy mode.
412
00:16:43,923 --> 00:16:46,189
I've got to figure out
what happened. I go
to my daughter.
413
00:16:46,223 --> 00:16:47,789
It's her room.
She's responsible.
414
00:16:47,823 --> 00:16:48,833
I said, "heaven, c'mere.
Come here.
415
00:16:48,834 --> 00:16:49,856
I said, "heaven, c'mere.
Come here.
416
00:16:49,889 --> 00:16:53,323
It's your room.
You're responsible.
What happened?"
417
00:16:53,356 --> 00:16:56,123
It's very hard to take
a kid out of play mode.
418
00:16:56,156 --> 00:17:00,223
When kids are playing,
they don't know that shit
just got real.
419
00:17:00,256 --> 00:17:04,223
They don't know.
In her mind it's still a game.
I said, "what happened?"
420
00:17:04,256 --> 00:17:08,123
This is what my daughter did.
She said, "ho!
421
00:17:08,156 --> 00:17:09,956
Daddy!
422
00:17:09,989 --> 00:17:12,023
( shrieks )
Daddy!"
423
00:17:12,056 --> 00:17:15,223
You ever see kids
do that shake shit?
( shrieks )
424
00:17:15,256 --> 00:17:18,023
"What is wrong with--
Stop. Stop shaking your face.
425
00:17:18,056 --> 00:17:18,833
Stop.
What happened?"
426
00:17:18,834 --> 00:17:20,223
Stop.
What happened?"
427
00:17:20,256 --> 00:17:21,923
This is the story
my baby told me.
428
00:17:21,956 --> 00:17:24,156
She said,
"we got monsters, daddy.
429
00:17:24,189 --> 00:17:26,089
There's a bunch
of monsters in here.
The prince came out,
430
00:17:26,123 --> 00:17:27,523
told us to get
in the castle.
431
00:17:27,556 --> 00:17:29,389
The castle was at the top
of the bunk bed.
432
00:17:29,423 --> 00:17:31,856
We got up there,
there was too many
people in the castle,
433
00:17:31,889 --> 00:17:33,856
so...
434
00:17:33,889 --> 00:17:36,989
Somebody had to go.
435
00:17:39,156 --> 00:17:41,156
We took a vote and she lost.
I kicked her off."
436
00:17:41,189 --> 00:17:44,223
"Wait, what?
What?"
437
00:17:44,256 --> 00:17:46,389
"I kicked her off, dad.
It could've been anybody."
438
00:17:46,423 --> 00:17:48,356
( chuckles )
439
00:17:48,389 --> 00:17:48,833
My baby made
an executive decision.
I said, "all right.
440
00:17:48,834 --> 00:17:51,056
My baby made
an executive decision.
I said, "all right.
441
00:17:51,089 --> 00:17:53,089
She had to go.
I get it.
442
00:17:53,123 --> 00:17:55,189
I understand."
443
00:17:55,223 --> 00:17:56,463
I'll tell you
another fear of mine.
444
00:17:56,464 --> 00:17:57,023
I'll tell you
another fear of mine.
445
00:17:57,056 --> 00:17:59,089
Here's another
fear of mine.
446
00:17:59,932 --> 00:18:02,298
My biggest fear
is getting knocked out
447
00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:06,032
in front of my babies.
That's a fear, man!
448
00:18:06,065 --> 00:18:09,265
As a dad, what do you do?
What do you do when your
kids come get you?
449
00:18:09,298 --> 00:18:12,565
"Dad, they messin' with me?"
"Who?" "Them!"
450
00:18:12,598 --> 00:18:16,032
As a dad, you gotta go
whip whoever them's ass is.
451
00:18:16,065 --> 00:18:18,165
That's your job as a dad.
What do you do
452
00:18:18,198 --> 00:18:20,298
when you go down there
and get your ass whipped?
453
00:18:20,332 --> 00:18:22,932
What do you say?
What do you say to your kids?
454
00:18:22,965 --> 00:18:25,865
"Dad, they messin' with me?"
"Who?" "Them!"
455
00:18:25,898 --> 00:18:26,463
"Stay right here.
Hey, motherf--
456
00:18:26,464 --> 00:18:28,098
"Stay right here.
Hey, motherf--
457
00:18:30,665 --> 00:18:32,665
Come on, come on!
Let's go!
458
00:18:32,698 --> 00:18:35,732
These niggas are real!
Let's go!
459
00:18:35,765 --> 00:18:37,798
Hurry up!
Get in the car!
460
00:18:39,665 --> 00:18:42,032
Was that a kid?
Was that a kid?
461
00:18:42,065 --> 00:18:44,332
When we get home,
I'm whippin' your ass
462
00:18:44,365 --> 00:18:46,565
for putting me
in that situation.
463
00:18:46,598 --> 00:18:48,898
I had nothing
to do with that.
464
00:18:48,932 --> 00:18:51,265
I woke up this morning
as a Christian.
465
00:18:51,298 --> 00:18:53,265
You don't do that to me."
466
00:18:58,132 --> 00:19:00,132
It's a different ballgame.
467
00:19:02,732 --> 00:19:05,098
See, me?
I'm gonna be honest
with you guys, man.
468
00:19:05,132 --> 00:19:07,932
I'm not that guy.
I'm not a fighter, man.
469
00:19:07,965 --> 00:19:10,565
I'm not.
I won't act like I am.
470
00:19:10,598 --> 00:19:13,332
I won't. Seen too many
bad things happen.
471
00:19:13,365 --> 00:19:15,765
I saw my dad
get knocked out one time.
472
00:19:15,798 --> 00:19:18,198
I was 13.
It traumatized me.
473
00:19:18,232 --> 00:19:20,832
This guy hit my dad
twice in the same spot--
Uhn uhn--
474
00:19:20,865 --> 00:19:24,265
Quick as hell.
Quickest two punches
I've ever seen in my life.
475
00:19:24,298 --> 00:19:26,463
I've never seen
anything like it.
Hit my dad so fast
476
00:19:26,464 --> 00:19:26,665
I've never seen
anything like it.
Hit my dad so fast
477
00:19:26,698 --> 00:19:29,965
in the middle of the fight
my dad stopped and asked me
what happened.
478
00:19:29,998 --> 00:19:32,965
In the middle of the fight.
He's like, "shit! Hey!
479
00:19:32,998 --> 00:19:36,798
Kevin, hey!
He just hit me twice?"
480
00:19:36,832 --> 00:19:38,798
"Yes.
Yes he did."
481
00:19:38,832 --> 00:19:40,965
"Are you sure it was him?"
482
00:19:40,998 --> 00:19:42,898
"It's only y'all
two out here, dad.
483
00:19:42,932 --> 00:19:44,232
Ain't nobody else
out here with y'all."
484
00:19:44,265 --> 00:19:45,965
"So you telling me
he that fast?
485
00:19:45,998 --> 00:19:48,965
They not jumping me?
Ain't nobody jumping me?"
486
00:19:48,998 --> 00:19:51,232
"No, nobody jumping you.
It's just him."
487
00:19:51,265 --> 00:19:55,132
"Well, he must be an octopus.
I saw a lot of stuff
goin' by my face."
488
00:19:55,165 --> 00:19:56,463
"Really?
Really, dad?
489
00:19:56,464 --> 00:19:57,865
"Really?
Really, dad?
490
00:19:57,898 --> 00:20:00,565
An octopus?
That's what you just fought?
491
00:20:00,598 --> 00:20:04,198
A human octopus?
Really?"
492
00:20:04,232 --> 00:20:06,265
When my dad called
another grown-ass man
an octopus,
493
00:20:06,298 --> 00:20:09,032
that was the day
he stopped being my dad.
I lost all respect.
494
00:20:09,065 --> 00:20:11,065
He didn't understand that.
495
00:20:11,098 --> 00:20:13,132
He was still trying
to discipline me.
496
00:20:13,165 --> 00:20:15,898
"Kevin! Hey!
Didn't I tell you
to get the trash out?
497
00:20:15,932 --> 00:20:18,932
Get up, get the trash out
before I crack your damn face."
498
00:20:18,965 --> 00:20:21,965
"Shut up. Shut up! You get the trash out
499
00:20:21,998 --> 00:20:24,865
before I get Steve over here,
put his damn hands
on you again."
500
00:20:24,898 --> 00:20:26,463
"Oh. Oh.
501
00:20:26,464 --> 00:20:27,865
"Oh. Oh.
502
00:20:27,898 --> 00:20:30,165
Oh, you gonna
get Steve, huh?
503
00:20:30,198 --> 00:20:32,698
You are something else,
you know that?
504
00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:34,998
You are something else.
Give me the trash.
505
00:20:35,032 --> 00:20:37,632
I'll take the trash out.
Give me the trash."
506
00:20:37,665 --> 00:20:39,598
He didn't want to see
Steve again.
507
00:20:39,632 --> 00:20:41,965
Steve beat the shit
out of my dad.
508
00:20:41,998 --> 00:20:45,065
You ever see somebody
lose a fight and talk
like they won?
509
00:20:45,098 --> 00:20:47,698
That's my dad.
After he got knocked out,
510
00:20:47,732 --> 00:20:50,832
he's like, "you good?
Are you good now?"
511
00:20:50,865 --> 00:20:52,798
I said, "dad, I don't think
that's your lines.
512
00:20:52,832 --> 00:20:54,798
I think the winners
say that.
513
00:20:54,832 --> 00:20:56,463
I think the guy
who won say that.
514
00:20:56,464 --> 00:20:56,732
I think the guy
who won say that.
515
00:20:56,765 --> 00:20:58,598
You just lay down
for a second and let him
516
00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:00,832
finish his speech.
I think you got up
too fast anyway.
517
00:21:00,865 --> 00:21:02,998
You gonna be dizzy."
518
00:21:05,365 --> 00:21:07,732
When I saw my dad
get knocked out
519
00:21:07,765 --> 00:21:09,765
and I saw my brother
get knocked out,
520
00:21:09,798 --> 00:21:11,832
it made me feel like,
as a family,
521
00:21:11,865 --> 00:21:15,665
we're not good at this
particular activity.
522
00:21:15,698 --> 00:21:18,998
We're not fighters.
We're readers. We're good
readers in my family.
523
00:21:19,032 --> 00:21:22,998
HERE'S WHY I DON'T FIGHT:
You don't know what people
are capable of now.
524
00:21:23,032 --> 00:21:25,032
Too many people know
too many different things.
525
00:21:25,065 --> 00:21:26,463
I'm serious.
Know what I'm scared of?
526
00:21:26,464 --> 00:21:27,232
I'm serious.
Know what I'm scared of?
527
00:21:27,265 --> 00:21:29,732
U.F.C. Fighters.
You know why?
528
00:21:29,765 --> 00:21:31,965
Because they're real.
529
00:21:31,998 --> 00:21:34,065
That is not a game, people.
They are here.
530
00:21:34,098 --> 00:21:37,265
They exist.
They know shit.
531
00:21:37,298 --> 00:21:39,765
Touch a pressure point,
shuts your whole body down.
532
00:21:39,798 --> 00:21:43,232
Pow. "It's a wrap.
Can't move none of that."
533
00:21:43,265 --> 00:21:45,265
"Fight back!"
"I can't.
534
00:21:45,298 --> 00:21:48,032
Everything is shut down.
I don't know what he did.
535
00:21:48,065 --> 00:21:49,932
Everything.
I can't move anything."
536
00:21:52,065 --> 00:21:54,632
You know who gonna get
their asses beat by these guys?
537
00:21:54,665 --> 00:21:56,463
Thugs.
I'm gonna tell you why.
538
00:21:56,464 --> 00:21:56,665
Thugs.
I'm gonna tell you why.
539
00:21:56,698 --> 00:21:58,998
Thugs, y'all don't know
how to just fight.
540
00:21:59,032 --> 00:22:01,265
Thugs always got to give you
a speech before they fight.
541
00:22:01,298 --> 00:22:03,198
You ever see how long
it take a thug to fight?
542
00:22:03,232 --> 00:22:05,632
Gotta give you his whole
background before he fight.
543
00:22:05,665 --> 00:22:08,265
It take too long.
"Yeah. Real niggas.
544
00:22:08,298 --> 00:22:10,865
All day. Just me.
By myself.
545
00:22:10,898 --> 00:22:12,698
On the block.
Holding it down.
546
00:22:12,732 --> 00:22:14,898
Gun at my waist.
Straight face.
547
00:22:14,932 --> 00:22:16,665
All day.
Not a game.
548
00:22:16,698 --> 00:22:18,565
In jail.
By myself!
549
00:22:18,598 --> 00:22:20,665
One bed.
No pillowcase.
550
00:22:20,698 --> 00:22:23,065
One pillow.
Didn't nobody write me.
551
00:22:23,098 --> 00:22:25,565
It was early. Woke up.
Went back to sleep.
552
00:22:25,598 --> 00:22:26,463
Took a nap.
You ever go night night, nigga?
553
00:22:26,464 --> 00:22:27,932
Took a nap.
You ever go night night, nigga?
554
00:22:27,965 --> 00:22:29,832
You ever
go night night, nigga?!
555
00:22:29,865 --> 00:22:32,065
Everybody goes
night night, nigga!"
556
00:22:32,098 --> 00:22:34,832
"What?
557
00:22:34,865 --> 00:22:36,598
What does this
have to do with the fight?
558
00:22:36,632 --> 00:22:39,098
Are we fighting or not?"
"You didn't write me."
559
00:22:39,132 --> 00:22:41,698
"I don't know you."
560
00:22:41,732 --> 00:22:45,898
These guys are gonna be
the ones, man.
561
00:22:45,932 --> 00:22:47,865
Everybody can't be a thug.
562
00:22:47,898 --> 00:22:50,665
Everybody cannot
be a thug.
563
00:22:50,698 --> 00:22:52,665
I can't stand TV thugs.
564
00:22:52,698 --> 00:22:54,298
You know what
a TV thug is?
565
00:22:54,332 --> 00:22:56,332
Those the guys
who do what they see on TV
566
00:22:56,365 --> 00:22:56,463
all day, every day.
All day, every day.
567
00:22:56,464 --> 00:22:58,565
all day, every day.
All day, every day.
568
00:22:58,598 --> 00:23:01,265
You ever see those guys.
"Yeah, nig'. What, nig'?"
569
00:23:01,298 --> 00:23:03,932
You never seen
the dancing thugs?
Get out the car...
570
00:23:03,965 --> 00:23:05,998
( babbles high-pitched )
571
00:23:06,032 --> 00:23:08,265
"It ain't a game.
You think it's a game
around here?"
572
00:23:08,298 --> 00:23:10,332
I don't like those guys.
573
00:23:10,365 --> 00:23:12,632
I know real thugs.
574
00:23:12,665 --> 00:23:15,732
My uncle is a real thug.
575
00:23:15,765 --> 00:23:18,665
Certified.
Put a stamp on him.
576
00:23:18,698 --> 00:23:20,298
Locked up 15 years.
577
00:23:20,332 --> 00:23:22,565
Got out of jail,
ain't nothing changed.
578
00:23:22,598 --> 00:23:26,132
Very serious.
When my uncle talk,
this is how he look.
579
00:23:26,165 --> 00:23:26,463
I don't care what
he's talking about.
This is how he looks...
580
00:23:26,464 --> 00:23:28,732
I don't care what
he's talking about.
This is how he looks...
581
00:23:32,698 --> 00:23:34,965
I don't care
what he's sayin'.
582
00:23:34,998 --> 00:23:38,298
"Put the goddamn jelly
on the motherfuckin' sandwich.
Do it! Spread it!"
583
00:23:38,332 --> 00:23:41,265
He's crazy.
He's crazy.
584
00:23:41,298 --> 00:23:43,265
He's institutionalized, man.
585
00:23:45,065 --> 00:23:46,998
Understand when you've been
in jail 15 years,
586
00:23:47,032 --> 00:23:49,032
all you know is jail.
587
00:23:49,065 --> 00:23:51,065
Your mannerisms,
your language--
588
00:23:51,098 --> 00:23:53,598
You eat, sleep
and think jail.
589
00:23:53,632 --> 00:23:56,265
Okay? Your threats
aren't even the same.
590
00:23:56,298 --> 00:23:56,463
When you threaten somebody,
they should know what's
about to happen.
591
00:23:56,464 --> 00:23:59,865
When you threaten somebody,
they should know what's
about to happen.
592
00:23:59,898 --> 00:24:01,632
It's a transition
into a fight.
593
00:24:01,665 --> 00:24:03,298
"I'm sick of your ass.
Get up."
594
00:24:03,332 --> 00:24:05,865
When they get up, they know
there's gonna be a fight.
595
00:24:05,898 --> 00:24:09,165
Stuff my uncle says
leaves you in suspense.
596
00:24:09,198 --> 00:24:11,998
They're like the worst
jail metaphors I've ever
heard in my life.
597
00:24:12,032 --> 00:24:13,732
I don't even know
how to explain 'em.
598
00:24:13,765 --> 00:24:15,565
He gets out of jail,
my brother calls me.
599
00:24:15,598 --> 00:24:17,298
"Kevin, uncle Richard
just got home."
600
00:24:17,332 --> 00:24:19,565
"I'm on the first flight.
I'll be there in the morning."
601
00:24:19,598 --> 00:24:21,565
I ain't seen him in 15 years.
I got to see him.
602
00:24:21,598 --> 00:24:23,898
I get there,
my uncle's in the middle
of the living room.
603
00:24:23,932 --> 00:24:26,098
I'm hyped to see him.
"Uncle Richard, what up, baby?
604
00:24:26,132 --> 00:24:26,463
15 years. That's a long time.
How you been?"
605
00:24:26,464 --> 00:24:28,632
15 years. That's a long time.
How you been?"
606
00:24:28,665 --> 00:24:30,265
I swear to God
this is what he said.
607
00:24:30,298 --> 00:24:32,865
"Say it with your chest,
little-ass nigga!"
608
00:24:43,198 --> 00:24:45,698
I didn't know what to say.
My brother grabbed me.
609
00:24:45,732 --> 00:24:47,832
He was like, "chill.
He's been saying this all day.
610
00:24:47,865 --> 00:24:50,132
We don't know what it means.
Wait till we figure it out."
611
00:24:50,165 --> 00:24:52,765
Here's the thing, right?
612
00:24:52,798 --> 00:24:54,698
I said, "I'm not gonna chill.
I'm gonna talk to him.
613
00:24:54,732 --> 00:24:56,463
Y'all not talkin' to him."
I pulled him to the side
614
00:24:56,464 --> 00:24:56,898
Y'all not talkin' to him."
I pulled him to the side
615
00:24:56,932 --> 00:24:59,865
and said, "look, unc,
a lot of stuff has changed
since you've been gone.
616
00:24:59,898 --> 00:25:01,832
I'm doing well.
I'm making good money.
617
00:25:01,865 --> 00:25:03,832
Let me take you out,
put you around some women,
618
00:25:03,865 --> 00:25:05,698
get some drinks.
We'll have a good time."
619
00:25:05,732 --> 00:25:07,932
He said, "all right, cool."
I take him to a lounge, right?
620
00:25:07,965 --> 00:25:10,265
I'm at the bar. I'm drinking.
There's women around me.
621
00:25:10,298 --> 00:25:12,632
I'm having a good time
I can't see him,
622
00:25:12,665 --> 00:25:14,732
but I can hear him.
623
00:25:14,765 --> 00:25:16,765
I can't see him,
but I can hear him.
624
00:25:16,798 --> 00:25:18,965
Out of nowhere
all I hear is
625
00:25:18,998 --> 00:25:21,098
"I'm sick of this
motherfucker, man.
626
00:25:21,132 --> 00:25:23,298
Kev, pin the tail
on his ass!"
627
00:25:26,298 --> 00:25:26,463
"Is it his birthday?
Why would I do that?
628
00:25:26,464 --> 00:25:29,598
"Is it his birthday?
Why would I do that?
629
00:25:29,632 --> 00:25:31,665
W-why would I do that?
What do you mean?"
630
00:25:31,698 --> 00:25:34,298
"Peel this motherfucker's
muffin cap back blue."
631
00:25:36,598 --> 00:25:38,932
"Is that drink?
That's probably a drink.
632
00:25:38,965 --> 00:25:41,032
Can I get a peel his
muffin cap back blue?"
633
00:25:41,065 --> 00:25:43,265
"Say it with your chest!"
634
00:25:43,298 --> 00:25:45,898
"Can I get a peel
his muffin cap--"
635
00:25:45,932 --> 00:25:49,765
I didn't know what to do.
I was confused.
636
00:25:49,798 --> 00:25:52,665
My family threw him
on me, man.
637
00:25:52,698 --> 00:25:54,665
They threw him on me.
638
00:25:54,698 --> 00:25:56,463
They said, "Kev, look,
you're making money.
Give him a job.
639
00:25:56,464 --> 00:25:57,198
They said, "Kev, look,
you're making money.
Give him a job.
640
00:25:57,232 --> 00:25:59,332
Give him a second
chance at life."
I said, "fine.
641
00:25:59,365 --> 00:26:01,332
I'm gonna
let him train me, okay?"
642
00:26:01,365 --> 00:26:03,798
I was about
to go to Australia.
I was gonna film a movie.
643
00:26:03,832 --> 00:26:05,898
I wanted to
get a little bigger.
Let him train me.
644
00:26:05,932 --> 00:26:08,832
Reason why?
My uncle had that jail body.
645
00:26:08,865 --> 00:26:13,065
Up top, solid.
Not a game. Rock hard.
646
00:26:13,098 --> 00:26:15,898
Didn't work
on his legs that much.
647
00:26:15,932 --> 00:26:18,798
Sometimes you could see him
struggling to keep
the top half up--
648
00:26:18,832 --> 00:26:20,798
The stick legs.
649
00:26:24,865 --> 00:26:26,463
Looked like this nigga was
tip drilling all the time.
650
00:26:26,464 --> 00:26:27,698
Looked like this nigga was
tip drilling all the time.
651
00:26:29,798 --> 00:26:32,598
"What are you doing, unc?
Why you keep shakin' your ass?
652
00:26:32,632 --> 00:26:35,232
What are you doing?
Relax your ass, man."
653
00:26:35,265 --> 00:26:37,632
"I ain't shakin' it.
It's my legs."
654
00:26:41,198 --> 00:26:44,898
Now for those of you
who do not understand the job
of a personal trainer,
655
00:26:44,932 --> 00:26:46,732
I'll explain it to you.
656
00:26:46,765 --> 00:26:48,732
A personal trainer's job
is to do what?
657
00:26:48,765 --> 00:26:50,965
Motivate you, people,
make you feel
658
00:26:50,998 --> 00:26:53,232
like you could do things
you never thought you could do.
659
00:26:53,265 --> 00:26:55,965
Here's an example
of a personal trainer's
conversation.
660
00:26:55,998 --> 00:26:56,463
"Come on, man.
You can do it.
661
00:26:56,464 --> 00:26:58,665
"Come on, man.
You can do it.
662
00:26:58,698 --> 00:27:01,165
Push it.
You got it.
663
00:27:01,198 --> 00:27:03,332
Breathe.
Three more.
664
00:27:03,365 --> 00:27:06,132
Last two.
Get it up.
665
00:27:06,165 --> 00:27:08,565
Last one.
Good set.
666
00:27:08,598 --> 00:27:11,265
Go wipe off."
That's a trainer
conversation.
667
00:27:11,298 --> 00:27:13,932
Once again,
I didn't like the way
668
00:27:13,965 --> 00:27:16,232
that he talked
to me, okay?
669
00:27:16,265 --> 00:27:18,765
We're at the gym.
I'm on a weight bench.
I'm not gonna lie.
670
00:27:18,798 --> 00:27:20,332
I'm struggling.
I couldn't get it.
671
00:27:20,365 --> 00:27:24,632
( mimics grunting )
I couldn't get it.
672
00:27:24,665 --> 00:27:26,463
Out of nowhere,
he came up behind me.
"Close your mouth
673
00:27:26,464 --> 00:27:26,998
Out of nowhere,
he came up behind me.
"Close your mouth
674
00:27:27,032 --> 00:27:29,298
before somebody come up,
put their dick in it
on the yard."
675
00:27:33,198 --> 00:27:35,332
"What'd he say?
What'd he just say?
676
00:27:35,365 --> 00:27:37,732
Somebody get the weights.
I just wanna ask him something.
677
00:27:37,765 --> 00:27:39,765
Somebody get the weights.
Let me ask him something.
678
00:27:39,798 --> 00:27:42,765
Uh, is that a dick
out behind me for real
or is he just joking?
679
00:27:42,798 --> 00:27:45,265
No, if it is,
that's gotta change.
Somebody's got to put that up.
680
00:27:45,298 --> 00:27:47,632
I'm not gonna work out
if that's gonna stay out.
681
00:27:47,665 --> 00:27:50,665
I pay my membership
like everybody else.
I don't need to see that.
682
00:27:50,698 --> 00:27:53,632
Fix it."
683
00:27:53,665 --> 00:27:55,932
That's when I stopped
messing with him.
684
00:27:55,965 --> 00:27:56,980
Hey, real quick.
This is not a joke.
685
00:27:56,981 --> 00:27:57,965
Hey, real quick.
This is not a joke.
686
00:27:57,998 --> 00:27:59,698
I just want to know
what you guys think.
687
00:27:59,732 --> 00:28:01,232
Be honest.
You don't gotta lie, okay?
688
00:28:01,265 --> 00:28:03,198
This is true.
It's me being honest.
689
00:28:03,232 --> 00:28:04,865
I'm opening up to y'all
for a second.
690
00:28:04,898 --> 00:28:07,998
Does this make me gay?
I was at the mall, right?
691
00:28:08,032 --> 00:28:11,732
Some guy saw me.
He was like, "oh, Kev Hart.
What up, man?
692
00:28:11,765 --> 00:28:13,765
I'm a big fan.
I love you, dude.
693
00:28:13,798 --> 00:28:16,265
Funny as hell.
Keep doing you, man.
Swear to God. Funny."
694
00:28:16,298 --> 00:28:20,132
( blows kiss )
And I caught it.
Does that make me gay?
695
00:28:20,165 --> 00:28:22,698
Does that
make me gay?
696
00:28:23,732 --> 00:28:25,965
Does it make me gay?
697
00:28:25,998 --> 00:28:26,980
I thought he was waving.
Put yourself in my shoes.
I thought he was waving.
698
00:28:26,981 --> 00:28:28,965
I thought he was waving.
Put yourself in my shoes.
I thought he was waving.
699
00:28:28,998 --> 00:28:30,932
By the time I realized
it wasn't a wave,
it was too late.
700
00:28:30,965 --> 00:28:33,198
I was like, "hey, man.
No no no. I got it.
Too late. Okay.
701
00:28:33,232 --> 00:28:35,232
Ummm."
702
00:28:35,265 --> 00:28:37,732
It was weird.
What do I do now?
I held it until he left
703
00:28:37,765 --> 00:28:39,265
and then I set it down.
704
00:28:39,298 --> 00:28:41,165
I didn't use it.
I set it down.
705
00:28:41,198 --> 00:28:43,632
I swear to God.
I'll tell you the truth.
I didn't use it.
706
00:28:43,665 --> 00:28:45,998
I didn't put it in my pocket.
I just set it down.
707
00:28:48,998 --> 00:28:50,965
I wanted to be like
my uncle for a minute.
708
00:28:50,998 --> 00:28:53,665
I did.
This is me being
honest with you guys.
709
00:28:53,698 --> 00:28:55,965
Reason why? My uncle got
so much respect, man.
710
00:28:55,998 --> 00:28:56,980
People feared my uncle.
I was like I want that fear.
711
00:28:56,981 --> 00:28:58,198
People feared my uncle.
I was like I want that fear.
712
00:28:58,232 --> 00:29:01,898
Don't nobody fear me.
People think I'm a bitch.
713
00:29:01,932 --> 00:29:06,232
They do.
My lady think I'm a bitch.
Call me a bitch all the time.
714
00:29:06,265 --> 00:29:08,565
"You a bitch!"
Right to my face.
715
00:29:08,598 --> 00:29:10,598
THIS IS MY ANSWER:
"So? Now what?
716
00:29:10,632 --> 00:29:12,865
What happens now?"
717
00:29:12,898 --> 00:29:14,965
It's not that I'm a bitch.
I'm just smart.
718
00:29:14,998 --> 00:29:17,565
I don't put myself in situations
where I'm not gonna win.
719
00:29:17,598 --> 00:29:20,265
That don't make me a bitch.
Here's what really
PISSES ME OFF:
720
00:29:20,298 --> 00:29:23,898
If I am a bitch,
that's our business.
721
00:29:23,932 --> 00:29:26,198
Don't nobody know me.
You don't know me, man.
722
00:29:26,232 --> 00:29:26,980
If me and you
get into an argument,
it don't matter what I say,
723
00:29:26,981 --> 00:29:28,898
If me and you
get into an argument,
it don't matter what I say,
724
00:29:28,932 --> 00:29:31,632
you got to believe me
'cause you don't know
what I'm capable of.
725
00:29:31,665 --> 00:29:34,298
Same thing vice-versa.
Only way you could tell
if I was a bitch
726
00:29:34,332 --> 00:29:37,632
is if somebody close
to me says something to set
an alarm off in your head.
727
00:29:37,665 --> 00:29:39,932
That's the type of shit she do.
We're at dinner.
728
00:29:39,965 --> 00:29:41,998
I'm a little drunk.
I'm not gonna lie.
729
00:29:42,032 --> 00:29:44,798
I get into an argument
with this guy, hit him
with some thug shit.
730
00:29:44,832 --> 00:29:46,865
"Say something else to me,
I'm gonna go to my car,
731
00:29:46,898 --> 00:29:48,932
I'ma pop the trunk
on your bitch ass."
732
00:29:48,965 --> 00:29:51,598
That means I'm gonna
go to my car, get a gun,
733
00:29:51,632 --> 00:29:53,632
come back,
shoot this shit up.
734
00:29:53,665 --> 00:29:56,032
When I said it,
she was like, "what you
gonna get, the car seat?"
735
00:29:56,065 --> 00:29:56,980
"Bitch, what--
736
00:29:56,981 --> 00:29:58,065
"Bitch, what--
737
00:29:58,098 --> 00:30:00,098
Oh my God.
738
00:30:00,132 --> 00:30:03,698
Why would you say that
out loud? Way to go.
739
00:30:03,732 --> 00:30:06,132
Congratulations on messing this up for me.
740
00:30:06,165 --> 00:30:07,798
Congratulations."
741
00:30:10,232 --> 00:30:12,232
Women, y'all make me
mad with that.
742
00:30:12,265 --> 00:30:14,298
I'm gonna tell you what
pisses me off, ladies.
743
00:30:14,332 --> 00:30:18,032
I hate the fact, women,
that you cannot control
your anger.
744
00:30:18,065 --> 00:30:19,932
I hate it.
I really hate it.
745
00:30:19,965 --> 00:30:23,198
Women, you need to learn
to put a cap on your anger.
746
00:30:23,232 --> 00:30:25,898
You know what I mean
when I say "cap,"
sweetie? A cap.
747
00:30:25,932 --> 00:30:26,980
It means a point
that you will never go above.
748
00:30:26,981 --> 00:30:27,998
It means a point
that you will never go above.
749
00:30:28,032 --> 00:30:31,098
That's a cap.
Men, we have a cap.
750
00:30:31,132 --> 00:30:33,032
What's the worst thing
you'll ever say to a woman?
751
00:30:33,065 --> 00:30:34,932
- Shouldn't take
that long, fellas.
- MAN: Bitch.
752
00:30:34,965 --> 00:30:37,998
"Bitch." There you go.
Come in different levels.
753
00:30:38,032 --> 00:30:40,265
( increasing pitches )
"Bitch! Hey! Bitch! Bitch!"
754
00:30:40,298 --> 00:30:42,698
Different levels.
755
00:30:42,732 --> 00:30:44,732
Different levels.
( chuckles )
756
00:30:44,765 --> 00:30:47,132
Women, y'all don't
have a cap.
757
00:30:47,165 --> 00:30:49,898
Y'all try to cut so deep
when you get mad.
758
00:30:49,932 --> 00:30:52,598
You want to mess with
a man's pride, his goals.
759
00:30:52,632 --> 00:30:54,832
Y'all say stuff that
ain't nobody's business.
760
00:30:54,865 --> 00:30:56,980
It's Christmas.
My mother's here.
761
00:30:56,981 --> 00:30:57,698
It's Christmas.
My mother's here.
762
00:30:57,732 --> 00:30:59,965
You bring up personal stuff
'cause you got an attitude.
763
00:30:59,998 --> 00:31:02,232
"Yeah, whatever.
Yeah, whatever.
764
00:31:02,265 --> 00:31:04,898
Whatever. Fuck you,
pissin'-in-the-bed boy.
765
00:31:04,932 --> 00:31:07,865
Uh-huh! What now?
That's right.
766
00:31:07,898 --> 00:31:10,098
Go upstairs,
flip the mattress.
767
00:31:10,132 --> 00:31:13,265
It's a big-ass piss stain
on the other side
768
00:31:13,298 --> 00:31:15,098
'cause you don't know
how to control your bladder.
769
00:31:15,132 --> 00:31:17,998
Boo-ya!
Right in front of your ma."
770
00:31:18,032 --> 00:31:20,265
Now you gotta sit there
with the "she lyin'" face.
771
00:31:20,298 --> 00:31:23,932
"What?
You're a liar.
772
00:31:23,965 --> 00:31:26,980
No, you're a liar.
You're a liar.
773
00:31:26,981 --> 00:31:27,932
No, you're a liar.
You're a liar.
774
00:31:27,965 --> 00:31:30,298
That's Mountain Dew.
I didn't pee on anything."
775
00:31:33,598 --> 00:31:36,832
That's the difference.
Ladies, y'all go too far.
776
00:31:36,865 --> 00:31:39,132
When you get mad,
y'all see red.
777
00:31:39,165 --> 00:31:41,865
Y'all go to the point
of no return, man.
778
00:31:41,898 --> 00:31:44,298
Why do you grab
the steering wheel
while a man is driving?
779
00:31:44,332 --> 00:31:46,298
Why? Why?!
780
00:31:46,332 --> 00:31:48,932
We both in the car.
You're gonna kill us both.
781
00:31:48,965 --> 00:31:51,598
But you don't care
'cause you see red.
782
00:31:51,632 --> 00:31:53,265
( falsetto )
"Fuck you!
783
00:31:53,298 --> 00:31:55,098
( screams )
784
00:31:55,132 --> 00:31:56,980
Kill us!
Kill us both!"
785
00:31:56,981 --> 00:31:57,232
Kill us!
Kill us both!"
786
00:31:57,265 --> 00:31:59,598
"Hey. Hey!
787
00:31:59,632 --> 00:32:02,132
Kill your side, bitch.
Ain't no 'kill us.'
788
00:32:02,165 --> 00:32:04,898
us ain't mad.
You got the attitude."
789
00:32:07,132 --> 00:32:10,998
I know women.
I can break women down.
790
00:32:11,032 --> 00:32:13,265
I'm gonna
tell you guys something
791
00:32:13,298 --> 00:32:15,898
that you're not gonna like,
but you need to hear it.
792
00:32:15,932 --> 00:32:18,698
You need to hear it.
Not one woman in this room
793
00:32:18,732 --> 00:32:21,598
likes for her man
to have a good time
when she's not around.
794
00:32:21,632 --> 00:32:23,165
Not one.
795
00:32:23,198 --> 00:32:25,232
It's a true statement.
796
00:32:25,265 --> 00:32:26,980
I see some of y'all lookin'
at me with attitude.
797
00:32:26,981 --> 00:32:28,898
I see some of y'all lookin'
at me with attitude.
798
00:32:28,932 --> 00:32:31,732
"Not true. I don't care.
Have fun. Shut up.
Kill yourself."
799
00:32:31,765 --> 00:32:33,732
Let me tell you why.
Just listen.
800
00:32:33,765 --> 00:32:35,832
Let me tell you why
I feel like this, okay?
801
00:32:35,865 --> 00:32:37,898
I don't say anything
that I cannot prove.
802
00:32:37,932 --> 00:32:39,732
That's your lady
right there, right?
803
00:32:39,765 --> 00:32:41,765
If I'm wrong, sweetie,
tell me I'm wrong.
804
00:32:41,798 --> 00:32:44,265
You ever been
out with your boys?
You're with your boys.
805
00:32:44,298 --> 00:32:46,565
You ain't doing nothing wrong.
Ain't no women around.
806
00:32:46,598 --> 00:32:49,198
You're having a good time
with your boys.
807
00:32:49,232 --> 00:32:51,632
She call you
while you out.
808
00:32:51,665 --> 00:32:54,698
When you pick up the phone,
she hears fun
809
00:32:54,732 --> 00:32:56,965
in the background.
810
00:32:56,998 --> 00:32:58,965
That's why they
get an attitude.
'cause she hears fun.
811
00:32:58,998 --> 00:33:00,998
You pick up the phone
having a good time.
812
00:33:01,032 --> 00:33:04,198
( laughs )
"Hey, shut up, Steve!
813
00:33:04,232 --> 00:33:06,832
Hey! No, hey,
I ain't gonna take
another shot.
814
00:33:06,865 --> 00:33:10,165
No, hey!
( screeches )
815
00:33:12,865 --> 00:33:16,732
Yo, I swear to God
that was like the best
night of my life.
816
00:33:16,765 --> 00:33:18,765
I swear to God.
817
00:33:18,798 --> 00:33:20,298
Hey.
Hey, what's up, babe?"
818
00:33:21,864 --> 00:33:23,864
( flatly )
"You know what?
Nothing. Do you.
819
00:33:23,897 --> 00:33:26,130
I haven't
got time for this.
820
00:33:26,164 --> 00:33:26,980
Do you, boo boo.
Do you,
boo boo.
821
00:33:26,981 --> 00:33:29,130
Do you, boo boo.
Do you,
boo boo.
822
00:33:29,164 --> 00:33:31,764
You know why?
'cause I'ma do me!
823
00:33:31,797 --> 00:33:33,764
( shrieks )
Do you, boo boo!
824
00:33:33,797 --> 00:33:35,797
Do you!
825
00:33:35,830 --> 00:33:37,830
Every time I call
you always laughing.
826
00:33:37,864 --> 00:33:40,730
( shrieks )
What the fuck
is so funny?!
827
00:33:40,764 --> 00:33:42,497
You laughing
at my stretch marks?"
828
00:33:42,530 --> 00:33:45,564
"What? Nobody knows
you have stretch marks."
829
00:33:45,597 --> 00:33:48,130
( shrieks )
"Whatever!"
830
00:33:48,164 --> 00:33:49,730
Y'all crazy, man.
831
00:33:49,764 --> 00:33:51,564
Y'all are crazy.
832
00:33:51,597 --> 00:33:53,564
I'm very serious, man.
833
00:33:53,597 --> 00:33:56,797
I'll-- I'll go
a step further.
834
00:33:56,830 --> 00:33:56,980
For those people that
are not believers yet,
I'll go a step further.
835
00:33:56,981 --> 00:34:00,364
For those people that
are not believers yet,
I'll go a step further.
836
00:34:00,397 --> 00:34:02,797
Fellas, you ever
have a genuine laugh
around your lady?
837
00:34:02,830 --> 00:34:04,830
I'm talking about
to where your stomach hurt.
838
00:34:04,864 --> 00:34:07,364
You know the good laughs?
One of them.
839
00:34:07,397 --> 00:34:09,564
( mimics laughter )
840
00:34:09,597 --> 00:34:11,597
You ever look
at your lady's face?
See how mad she get
841
00:34:11,630 --> 00:34:14,097
'cause she's not
a part of the laugh?
842
00:34:14,130 --> 00:34:16,197
Look at her face.
You think I'm lying?
843
00:34:16,230 --> 00:34:18,330
( mimics laughter )
844
00:34:22,397 --> 00:34:25,297
"What the hell
are you laughing at?"
"I don't know.
845
00:34:25,330 --> 00:34:26,980
I thought everything was cool.
I didn't know."
846
00:34:26,981 --> 00:34:28,397
I thought everything was cool.
I didn't know."
847
00:34:28,430 --> 00:34:30,730
I know what
I'm talking about.
848
00:34:30,764 --> 00:34:33,097
Ladies, I know what
you guys are thinking.
You're like, "whatever.
849
00:34:33,130 --> 00:34:35,397
Men, you do
the same thing too.
850
00:34:35,430 --> 00:34:37,864
Y'all get an attitude
with us when we go out."
851
00:34:37,897 --> 00:34:40,397
I'll tell you something, ladies.
We don't really give a fuck.
852
00:34:40,430 --> 00:34:43,297
Let me tell you why.
Hey, listen. Listen.
853
00:34:43,330 --> 00:34:46,130
We don't.
It's all an act, okay?
854
00:34:46,164 --> 00:34:49,530
If you guys could
see how much fun we have
when you leave the house
855
00:34:49,564 --> 00:34:52,864
and we're alone--
There's so much fun stuff
that happens.
856
00:34:52,897 --> 00:34:56,497
You'll never know
about this stuff.
It's just a good time.
857
00:34:56,530 --> 00:34:56,980
We got to put on that show
so you feel like we care.
858
00:34:56,981 --> 00:34:59,597
We got to put on that show
so you feel like we care.
859
00:34:59,630 --> 00:35:01,597
It's all a show.
860
00:35:01,630 --> 00:35:03,797
"Babe, no.
Come on, babe.
861
00:35:03,830 --> 00:35:06,730
Babe, please.
Every night with them.
862
00:35:06,764 --> 00:35:09,564
Come on.
Spend time with me,
your man--
863
00:35:09,597 --> 00:35:12,197
And the bitch is gone.
Yeah! Yeah!
864
00:35:12,230 --> 00:35:14,330
♪ Oh oh, I'm by myself ♪
865
00:35:14,364 --> 00:35:16,330
♪ What?
Oh, I'm by myself ♪
866
00:35:16,364 --> 00:35:18,297
♪ What I'm gonna do?
What I'm gonna do? ♪
867
00:35:18,330 --> 00:35:20,297
♪ I'ma beat my dick,
I'm gonna beat my dick ♪
868
00:35:20,330 --> 00:35:22,164
♪ I'ma get it,
I'ma get it ♪
869
00:35:22,197 --> 00:35:24,297
♪ Where the laptop at?
Where the laptop at? ♪
870
00:35:24,330 --> 00:35:26,364
♪ I'ma get it,
I'ma get it. ♪"
871
00:35:26,397 --> 00:35:26,980
That's what we do.
872
00:35:26,981 --> 00:35:28,464
That's what we do.
873
00:35:28,497 --> 00:35:31,430
Soon as you leave,
there's so much filth
that goes down.
874
00:35:39,364 --> 00:35:41,564
If you don't believe me--
If you don't believe me,
ladies,
875
00:35:41,597 --> 00:35:43,730
next time you leave the house,
come back in five minutes.
876
00:35:43,764 --> 00:35:46,797
I bet you catch him
doing nasty shit.
877
00:35:46,830 --> 00:35:48,764
Bet money.
Bet money you catch him.
878
00:35:48,797 --> 00:35:50,197
Soon as you leave,
come back in.
879
00:35:50,230 --> 00:35:53,664
"Hey! Get the--
Hey, girl.
880
00:35:53,697 --> 00:35:55,830
I thought you said
you was going to work.
God damn it.
881
00:35:57,697 --> 00:35:59,797
You got somebody with you?
Is somebody with you?
882
00:35:59,830 --> 00:36:01,797
Wait a minute.
Let me clean up.
883
00:36:01,830 --> 00:36:03,597
Let me blow
these candles out.
884
00:36:03,630 --> 00:36:05,530
( blowing )
God damn it.
885
00:36:05,564 --> 00:36:08,230
I thought you was
gonna be gone all day.
886
00:36:08,264 --> 00:36:10,264
( blows )
Set up an evening
for myself,
887
00:36:10,297 --> 00:36:12,097
you gonna come back
all fast.
888
00:36:12,130 --> 00:36:14,264
Why didn't you ring a bell?
You don't ring bells?
889
00:36:14,297 --> 00:36:16,797
You just gonna use a key
'cause you live here.
890
00:36:16,830 --> 00:36:19,130
You are something else.
891
00:36:19,164 --> 00:36:21,197
( chuckles )
Something else."
892
00:36:23,730 --> 00:36:23,778
I know what
I'm talking about.
893
00:36:23,779 --> 00:36:26,397
I know what
I'm talking about.
894
00:36:26,430 --> 00:36:29,497
Ladies, I'm gonna be honest.
I understand you guys.
895
00:36:29,530 --> 00:36:32,164
I really do.
I understand you guys.
896
00:36:32,197 --> 00:36:35,330
Your biggest fear
is not being fun.
897
00:36:35,364 --> 00:36:38,397
You don't ever want
your man to think that
you're not fun.
898
00:36:38,430 --> 00:36:40,330
That's why you're always
looking for validation.
899
00:36:40,364 --> 00:36:42,297
Always. You're always
looking for validation.
900
00:36:42,330 --> 00:36:44,264
"Babe, I'm fun, right?
901
00:36:44,297 --> 00:36:46,530
Huh? Babe, look.
Remember?
902
00:36:46,564 --> 00:36:49,264
Right?
Remember that time?
Remember? Jump shot.
903
00:36:49,297 --> 00:36:51,864
Remember, I was like,
'ahhh, in your face.
904
00:36:51,897 --> 00:36:53,778
Michael jordaaan.'
remember? No?"
905
00:36:53,779 --> 00:36:55,264
Michael jordaaan.'
remember? No?"
906
00:36:55,297 --> 00:36:57,497
See? That's why we try
to make you feel fun.
907
00:36:57,530 --> 00:36:59,464
That's why we listen
to your stories.
908
00:36:59,497 --> 00:37:01,797
To be honest,
I can't stand when
women tell stories.
909
00:37:01,830 --> 00:37:03,830
I hate it.
It makes my balls itch.
910
00:37:03,864 --> 00:37:06,497
I hate it.
I swear.
911
00:37:06,530 --> 00:37:10,130
It's just a bunch of words
with no plot, no middle,
912
00:37:10,164 --> 00:37:12,597
no ending
and it's always angry.
913
00:37:12,630 --> 00:37:15,164
Why are all your stories
so angry?
914
00:37:15,197 --> 00:37:17,364
Everything about work is mean.
915
00:37:17,397 --> 00:37:19,430
How come nothing good
ever happens at work?
916
00:37:19,464 --> 00:37:21,464
It's always bad.
917
00:37:21,497 --> 00:37:23,778
"Babe, let me tell you
about this bitch Sabrina
at the office today.
918
00:37:23,779 --> 00:37:24,497
"Babe, let me tell you
about this bitch Sabrina
at the office today.
919
00:37:24,530 --> 00:37:27,630
First of all,
she comes in the office
with white stockings on
920
00:37:27,664 --> 00:37:31,497
and black shoes.
Uh, excuse me, bitch,
Labor Day is over.
921
00:37:31,530 --> 00:37:33,830
Huh? 'scuse me. Boop.
Thank you.
922
00:37:33,864 --> 00:37:37,297
Backspace.
Delete that. Huh-uh."
923
00:37:37,330 --> 00:37:41,297
They start talking about
problems in the office.
We don't fuckin' know.
924
00:37:41,330 --> 00:37:43,464
"Let me tell you
what she did, baby.
She come to me
925
00:37:43,497 --> 00:37:45,530
talking about,
'can you go print this
out the fax machine?'
926
00:37:45,564 --> 00:37:49,330
'uh, no.
I am an executive
administrative assistant,
927
00:37:49,364 --> 00:37:51,697
not your assistant.'"
we got to act like we know
what's going on.
928
00:37:51,730 --> 00:37:53,778
"Whaaaat?
929
00:37:53,779 --> 00:37:54,197
"Whaaaat?
930
00:37:54,230 --> 00:37:57,297
She told you to print it
out the fax machine?
931
00:37:57,330 --> 00:37:59,630
Huh-uh.
No, she didn't.
932
00:37:59,664 --> 00:38:02,764
That bitch is crazy.
Not my baby."
"Thank you."
933
00:38:02,797 --> 00:38:04,830
They all turn
into the computers.
"Thank you.
934
00:38:04,864 --> 00:38:07,364
I told the bitch, 'boop.
Backspace. No. L-o-l.
935
00:38:07,397 --> 00:38:10,397
R-t-o-f-m-a-o.
Thank you.
936
00:38:10,430 --> 00:38:14,330
Delete that.
M-t-f-o-m-o-f-o-h-s."
937
00:38:16,564 --> 00:38:18,764
"What did you just say?"
"Get the fuck out of my face.
938
00:38:18,797 --> 00:38:20,797
We can't curse in the office."
"Okay."
939
00:38:20,830 --> 00:38:23,530
I don't understand
you guys.
940
00:38:23,564 --> 00:38:23,778
I love you, but I don't
understand you.
941
00:38:23,779 --> 00:38:25,697
I love you, but I don't
understand you.
942
00:38:25,730 --> 00:38:27,830
But as men,
we have to.
943
00:38:27,864 --> 00:38:29,797
I'm not gonna lie.
We're not perfect.
944
00:38:29,830 --> 00:38:32,364
We are not perfect.
I know I'm not perfect.
945
00:38:32,397 --> 00:38:35,664
The reason why, ladies?
You've got a little
to do with that.
946
00:38:35,697 --> 00:38:38,264
You put men on too high
of a pedestal.
947
00:38:38,297 --> 00:38:40,697
Whatever pedestal
you have us on,
take us off.
948
00:38:40,730 --> 00:38:43,397
It's too high.
We're never gonna meet
your expectations.
949
00:38:43,430 --> 00:38:45,697
Take us off.
I'm serious.
950
00:38:45,730 --> 00:38:47,730
HERE'S THE THING ABOUT MEN:
951
00:38:47,764 --> 00:38:49,797
Once you realize
we do dumb shit,
952
00:38:49,830 --> 00:38:52,264
we're dumb sometimes,
953
00:38:52,297 --> 00:38:53,778
we're gonna fuck up--
That's our nature as a man.
954
00:38:53,779 --> 00:38:55,197
we're gonna fuck up--
That's our nature as a man.
955
00:38:55,230 --> 00:38:57,630
Once you guys realize that
we'll get along so much better.
956
00:38:57,664 --> 00:39:00,230
If you don't believe me
that men do dumb shit
and don't realize it,
957
00:39:00,264 --> 00:39:02,464
listen to 'em.
Listen to the answers
we give you
958
00:39:02,497 --> 00:39:04,430
when we do dumb shit.
959
00:39:04,464 --> 00:39:07,364
You ever hear how dumb
our answers are when
we do dumb shit?
960
00:39:07,397 --> 00:39:09,664
"So you just gonna
sit down there at the pool
with all them naked bitches?"
961
00:39:09,697 --> 00:39:12,264
"Well, I thought it was cool.
( mumbles )
962
00:39:12,297 --> 00:39:15,730
I'm waitin' on you
to come down."
963
00:39:17,530 --> 00:39:19,797
This right here is the national
dumb nigga stance.
964
00:39:19,830 --> 00:39:23,230
Whenever your man--
Whenever he get bow-legged
and touch his face...
965
00:39:23,264 --> 00:39:23,778
"I'm waitin'
on everybody else.
966
00:39:23,779 --> 00:39:25,097
"I'm waitin'
on everybody else.
967
00:39:25,130 --> 00:39:27,630
I'm thinkin' everybody
gonna eat the chips."
968
00:39:27,664 --> 00:39:29,530
"What?
969
00:39:29,564 --> 00:39:31,564
What are you
talking about, man?"
970
00:39:32,830 --> 00:39:34,697
I know I'm not perfect.
971
00:39:34,730 --> 00:39:37,164
I know I do dumb shit.
I do.
972
00:39:37,197 --> 00:39:39,864
I can admit that.
I've never done
crazy stuff.
973
00:39:39,897 --> 00:39:42,464
I ain't never put
my hands on my lady.
I never went that far.
974
00:39:42,497 --> 00:39:44,430
I plunked her one time.
I did do that.
975
00:39:44,464 --> 00:39:47,097
Right in the forehead.
Mm, it was solid.
976
00:39:47,130 --> 00:39:50,430
It just jumped out my body.
I don't know where
it came from.
977
00:39:50,464 --> 00:39:53,778
She was driving,
I'm like, "bitch,
you think it's a game?"
978
00:39:53,779 --> 00:39:54,164
She was driving,
I'm like, "bitch,
you think it's a game?"
979
00:39:54,197 --> 00:39:56,430
You would've thought
I'd hit her in the head
with a bat.
980
00:39:56,464 --> 00:39:58,764
She went...
( screams )
981
00:39:58,797 --> 00:40:00,697
I was scared.
I thought I was going to jail.
982
00:40:00,730 --> 00:40:03,130
"Hey, I'm sorry.
Get your plunk back.
Here. Get it.
983
00:40:03,164 --> 00:40:04,830
Plunk me back.
Let's be even.
984
00:40:04,864 --> 00:40:06,864
Come on.
Plunk me back.
I just wanna be even.
985
00:40:06,897 --> 00:40:10,297
Please please?
Can you please plunk me back?"
986
00:40:14,230 --> 00:40:17,730
That's just me being honest.
There are certain things
I'm not good at.
987
00:40:17,764 --> 00:40:21,330
I'm not a good
storm-outter, people.
I can admit that.
988
00:40:21,364 --> 00:40:22,797
For those who do not know
what storming out is,
989
00:40:22,830 --> 00:40:23,778
that's when you
leave the house angry.
990
00:40:23,779 --> 00:40:24,597
that's when you
leave the house angry.
991
00:40:24,630 --> 00:40:26,597
"I'm sick of this! I'm gone!"
Slam the door.
992
00:40:26,630 --> 00:40:28,630
Boom!
The purpose of storming out
993
00:40:28,664 --> 00:40:30,530
is to leave the illusion
in your lady's head
994
00:40:30,564 --> 00:40:32,330
that you're never
coming back.
995
00:40:32,364 --> 00:40:34,464
When you slam the door,
she's supposed to break down.
996
00:40:34,497 --> 00:40:36,464
Soon as you slam the door.
"I'm gone!" Boom!
997
00:40:36,497 --> 00:40:39,497
She breaks down.
This is my impression
of a woman breaking down.
998
00:40:39,530 --> 00:40:41,697
"No. Oh my God,
please don't.
999
00:40:41,730 --> 00:40:44,464
No. No,
don't do this to me.
1000
00:40:44,497 --> 00:40:47,130
No, every time I do this,
you do this.
1001
00:40:47,164 --> 00:40:49,497
No."
( mumbles )
1002
00:40:51,664 --> 00:40:53,397
I hate when women cry
and try to talk.
1003
00:40:53,430 --> 00:40:53,778
I can't stand that shit.
1004
00:40:53,779 --> 00:40:55,330
I can't stand that shit.
1005
00:40:55,364 --> 00:40:57,430
"I ain't wanna do that.
I ain't tryin' to do nothing."
1006
00:41:01,897 --> 00:41:04,764
I look like the first
slave to ever walk.
1007
00:41:04,797 --> 00:41:08,130
"I don't want to do nothing.
I was just trying..."
( mumbles )
1008
00:41:09,730 --> 00:41:11,697
It's too much.
1009
00:41:11,730 --> 00:41:13,864
I'm gonna tell you why
I'm not a good storm-outter.
1010
00:41:13,897 --> 00:41:16,564
You know why?
I forget stuff.
1011
00:41:16,597 --> 00:41:18,430
You can't storm out
and forget shit,
1012
00:41:18,464 --> 00:41:20,730
'cause you got to go back,
get the shit you forgot.
1013
00:41:20,764 --> 00:41:23,564
You look stupid.
Trust me, fellas.
I know from experience.
1014
00:41:23,597 --> 00:41:23,778
You leave angry--
"I'm sick of this, man!
I'm done!
1015
00:41:23,779 --> 00:41:26,597
You leave angry--
"I'm sick of this, man!
I'm done!
1016
00:41:26,630 --> 00:41:28,597
I don't care!
I'm done! Forget you!
1017
00:41:28,630 --> 00:41:30,697
Forget the house.
I'm out!" Boom!
1018
00:41:30,730 --> 00:41:32,864
"Don't give a shit, man.
My keys. God damn it.
1019
00:41:32,897 --> 00:41:35,230
My keys on the thing.
1020
00:41:37,764 --> 00:41:39,530
Babe, let me get my keys
on the top of the thing.
1021
00:41:39,564 --> 00:41:41,597
I left my keys up
on the top of the thing.
Please."
1022
00:41:41,630 --> 00:41:43,797
I need my keys.
1023
00:41:43,830 --> 00:41:46,130
I need my keys
'cause I got to
get in my car.
1024
00:41:46,164 --> 00:41:48,164
When I get in my car,
I get my car on,
1025
00:41:48,197 --> 00:41:49,830
step on the gas,
make the tires burn out.
1026
00:41:49,864 --> 00:41:52,430
( mimics tire screech )
Reason why I do that?
1027
00:41:52,464 --> 00:41:53,778
Women, you can't handle it.
You break down
after a while.
1028
00:41:53,779 --> 00:41:55,297
Women, you can't handle it.
You break down
after a while.
1029
00:41:55,330 --> 00:41:57,497
"Oh my God, no.
He's gonna kill himself.
1030
00:41:57,530 --> 00:41:59,397
No no.
Don't do it.
1031
00:41:59,430 --> 00:42:01,297
Do the speed limit,
please. No.
1032
00:42:01,330 --> 00:42:03,397
Every time..."
1033
00:42:03,430 --> 00:42:05,764
( chuckles )
That's my impression
of women.
1034
00:42:08,264 --> 00:42:11,164
Had to get out of there.
Tell you another reason why
1035
00:42:11,197 --> 00:42:13,197
I can't storm out
of the house correctly.
1036
00:42:13,230 --> 00:42:15,730
My son always
want to come.
1037
00:42:15,764 --> 00:42:18,497
Can't storm out with a kid.
It take too long.
1038
00:42:18,530 --> 00:42:20,164
A storm out's
gotta be fast.
1039
00:42:20,197 --> 00:42:21,797
In and out.
Boom boom, quick.
1040
00:42:21,830 --> 00:42:23,664
My son be at the door.
"Mm mm."
1041
00:42:23,697 --> 00:42:23,778
"No! No!
Stay with your mother."
( mimics fussing )
1042
00:42:23,779 --> 00:42:26,597
"No! No!
Stay with your mother."
( mimics fussing )
1043
00:42:26,630 --> 00:42:29,197
"Boy, God damn it,
stay with your ma."
1044
00:42:31,197 --> 00:42:33,397
This is when women
try to use kids
as ammunition.
1045
00:42:33,430 --> 00:42:36,697
"Look at you.
You can't even take
your son with you.
1046
00:42:36,730 --> 00:42:39,764
He want to go with his dad,
but you can't even take
your son with you."
1047
00:42:39,797 --> 00:42:42,664
Now I can't be
a piece of shit.
I've got to prove a point.
1048
00:42:42,697 --> 00:42:44,797
I got to take him.
I'll tell you something, fellas,
1049
00:42:44,830 --> 00:42:47,130
you look stupid when you
try to keep your attitude
1050
00:42:47,164 --> 00:42:48,730
and get a baby's
shit together.
1051
00:42:48,764 --> 00:42:50,164
You look dumb.
1052
00:42:50,197 --> 00:42:51,730
From experience,
you look stupid.
1053
00:42:51,764 --> 00:42:53,697
"I don't give a shit.
I'll take him.
1054
00:42:53,730 --> 00:42:53,778
Get the diaper bag.
Put the sippy cup and shit
in the bag.
1055
00:42:53,779 --> 00:42:56,197
Get the diaper bag.
Put the sippy cup and shit
in the bag.
1056
00:42:56,230 --> 00:42:57,730
Put the change of clothes
and shit in the bag."
1057
00:42:57,764 --> 00:42:59,164
This is when I knew
I looked stupid.
1058
00:42:59,197 --> 00:43:00,597
When I did this
with the diaper bag,
1059
00:43:00,630 --> 00:43:02,497
"bitch, you think
I give a fuck about you--
1060
00:43:02,530 --> 00:43:05,297
Let me tell you something,
you got another thing coming."
1061
00:43:05,330 --> 00:43:08,397
When I swung the diaper bag
over my shoulder--
1062
00:43:08,430 --> 00:43:11,797
"You got another
goddamn thing coming
1063
00:43:11,830 --> 00:43:13,830
if you think
I give a shit."
1064
00:43:15,664 --> 00:43:18,564
It wasn't good, man.
1065
00:43:18,597 --> 00:43:21,164
This is me
speaking the truth.
1066
00:43:21,197 --> 00:43:23,164
See, I can talk
about relationships.
1067
00:43:23,197 --> 00:43:23,778
I've been in one for years.
I know relationships.
1068
00:43:23,779 --> 00:43:25,530
I've been in one for years.
I know relationships.
1069
00:43:25,564 --> 00:43:27,564
I see a lot of couples
here together.
1070
00:43:27,597 --> 00:43:29,697
You guys don't understand
what you're in.
1071
00:43:29,730 --> 00:43:31,730
You don't know
how serious it is.
1072
00:43:31,764 --> 00:43:34,530
I don't mind seeing couples.
I don't like seeing new couples.
1073
00:43:34,564 --> 00:43:36,697
I can't stand new love.
I hate it.
1074
00:43:36,730 --> 00:43:38,730
That's me being honest.
It's too much.
1075
00:43:38,764 --> 00:43:40,664
I don't like over love.
1076
00:43:40,697 --> 00:43:44,430
You ever see those couples
that go too far,
that's too much?
1077
00:43:44,464 --> 00:43:48,130
You ever see a couple
that's newly in love
try to share?
1078
00:43:48,164 --> 00:43:49,864
You ever witness that?
1079
00:43:49,897 --> 00:43:52,530
"Hey, babe.
Hey. Babe.
1080
00:43:52,564 --> 00:43:53,778
Hey, love button.
1081
00:43:53,779 --> 00:43:55,664
Hey, love button.
1082
00:43:55,697 --> 00:43:58,130
Hey, I got a little bit
of juice left.
1083
00:43:58,164 --> 00:43:59,864
You want some juice?
1084
00:43:59,897 --> 00:44:02,364
Yeah? You wanna take a sip,
I'll take a sip,
you take a sip?
1085
00:44:02,397 --> 00:44:04,264
You want to do it
like that?
1086
00:44:04,297 --> 00:44:05,830
You wanna go
'sip sip sip' like that
back and forth?
1087
00:44:05,864 --> 00:44:07,597
Yeah? Go ahead.
Take a sip.
1088
00:44:07,630 --> 00:44:09,330
Ah. Give it to me.
1089
00:44:09,364 --> 00:44:11,297
( babbles )
You do it.
1090
00:44:11,330 --> 00:44:14,397
( babbles )
1091
00:44:14,430 --> 00:44:16,164
Same time. Do it.
Your nose is in the way.
1092
00:44:16,197 --> 00:44:18,297
No, your nose
is in the way.
( babbles )
1093
00:44:18,330 --> 00:44:20,364
I love you."
( babbles )
1094
00:44:20,397 --> 00:44:23,364
Too much.
I fuckin' hate it.
1095
00:44:23,397 --> 00:44:23,778
I like older couples.
1096
00:44:23,779 --> 00:44:25,197
I like older couples.
1097
00:44:25,230 --> 00:44:27,297
I like couples
that's got time in, man.
1098
00:44:27,330 --> 00:44:29,464
You know why?
I like to see those
couples argue.
1099
00:44:29,497 --> 00:44:33,697
Couples with time in,
small problems become
big problems.
1100
00:44:33,730 --> 00:44:36,364
If you've got time in,
1101
00:44:36,397 --> 00:44:38,797
juice can become a problem.
1102
00:44:38,830 --> 00:44:42,330
Let you go buy some juice
and she's with you while
you buy the juice.
1103
00:44:42,364 --> 00:44:45,430
You go outside,
open up the juice,
she asks for a sip.
1104
00:44:45,464 --> 00:44:48,730
Bet money you lose your mind
over that sip of juice.
1105
00:44:48,764 --> 00:44:51,764
Bet money you snap.
Soon as you get outside,
"babe, let me get a sip."
1106
00:44:51,797 --> 00:44:53,778
"Uh, bitch, didn't you
just see me buy the juice
when I was inside?
1107
00:44:53,779 --> 00:44:54,630
"Uh, bitch, didn't you
just see me buy the juice
when I was inside?
1108
00:44:54,664 --> 00:44:57,097
So if you wanted some juice,
why didn't you ask
for some juice?
1109
00:44:57,130 --> 00:44:58,797
Now you want
a sip of my juice,
fuck around,
1110
00:44:58,830 --> 00:45:00,664
take a double sip,
I'm left with a little ass sip
1111
00:45:00,697 --> 00:45:02,797
'cause your over-thirsty ass
want to take a double sip.
1112
00:45:02,830 --> 00:45:05,564
No, get your own juice.
Walk your fat ass inside,
1113
00:45:05,597 --> 00:45:07,397
you sippin'-juice bastard.
1114
00:45:07,430 --> 00:45:10,397
You wasn't even
thinking about juice."
1115
00:45:10,430 --> 00:45:12,197
That'll be
on your mind all day.
1116
00:45:12,230 --> 00:45:14,264
Seven hours later,
you'll bring it back up.
1117
00:45:14,297 --> 00:45:18,530
"A sip of my goddamn juice.
You are something else,
you know that?
1118
00:45:18,564 --> 00:45:21,497
You are something else.
You weren't even thinking
about the juice."
1119
00:45:25,020 --> 00:45:28,553
I got into an argument
over mashed potatoes one time.
1120
00:45:28,586 --> 00:45:30,520
We almost broke up.
1121
00:45:30,553 --> 00:45:32,553
I'm very serious.
You know what I don't play?
1122
00:45:32,586 --> 00:45:34,786
I don't play that picking off
my plate stuff, ladies.
1123
00:45:34,820 --> 00:45:37,420
Don't pick off my plate.
I'm very serious.
1124
00:45:37,453 --> 00:45:40,786
I don't like it.
In the beginning, men,
we have to do it.
1125
00:45:40,820 --> 00:45:43,920
The reason why?
We're still trying
to impress you.
1126
00:45:43,953 --> 00:45:46,653
So we go overboard.
"Hey, you want a little piece?
1127
00:45:46,686 --> 00:45:48,620
Yeah?
You want me to cut it?
1128
00:45:48,653 --> 00:45:50,653
Yeah, I'll cut it.
I'll give you all this.
1129
00:45:50,686 --> 00:45:52,620
I'll just leave this
little piece for myself.
1130
00:45:52,653 --> 00:45:55,553
Yeah. No no no.
I probably should eat
the whole thing
1131
00:45:55,586 --> 00:45:57,853
'cause I'm a diabetic,
but no, I just want you
to be happy.
1132
00:45:57,886 --> 00:45:59,886
Yeah. You should
definitely drive home.
1133
00:45:59,920 --> 00:46:01,753
I can't see.
It's a little blurry."
1134
00:46:03,553 --> 00:46:05,820
We go overboard.
I'm gonna tell you
why I got mad.
1135
00:46:05,853 --> 00:46:08,553
We're at a restaurant
getting ready to eat dinner.
1136
00:46:08,586 --> 00:46:10,753
Her food comes
out before mine.
"You want me to wait?"
1137
00:46:10,786 --> 00:46:12,686
I said, "no, eat your food.
Mine'll be out.
1138
00:46:12,720 --> 00:46:14,053
Don't worry about it."
She's eating.
1139
00:46:14,086 --> 00:46:15,553
I don't ask
for any of her food.
1140
00:46:15,586 --> 00:46:17,953
"Enjoy your food, babe."
My food comes out.
1141
00:46:17,986 --> 00:46:20,120
He says, "enjoy your meal."
I said, "thank you, sir."
1142
00:46:20,153 --> 00:46:22,120
I take my napkin, fop,
put it on my lap.
1143
00:46:22,153 --> 00:46:22,650
The reason I go fop, it's big
to me 'cause I'm small.
1144
00:46:22,651 --> 00:46:25,486
The reason I go fop, it's big
to me 'cause I'm small.
1145
00:46:25,520 --> 00:46:27,453
It takes up a lot of space.
1146
00:46:27,486 --> 00:46:29,453
So I bow my head
to say my grace.
1147
00:46:29,486 --> 00:46:32,453
As I'm saying my grace,
I hear a metal fork
on my plate.
1148
00:46:34,486 --> 00:46:36,520
"Uh, bitch, you can't
wait till I'm done
talking to Jesus
1149
00:46:36,553 --> 00:46:38,520
before you touch
my goddamn plate?"
1150
00:46:38,553 --> 00:46:42,420
You know how mad that made me?
"Take the goddamn food, bitch!"
1151
00:46:42,453 --> 00:46:44,420
I snapped.
I get mad fast.
1152
00:46:44,453 --> 00:46:47,686
Little shit pisses me off.
Takes a lot of patience, man.
1153
00:46:47,720 --> 00:46:49,986
Whole lot of patience
to be in a relationship.
1154
00:46:50,020 --> 00:46:52,650
I'm understanding that now.
I'm understanding that
in a relationship,
1155
00:46:52,651 --> 00:46:53,553
I'm understanding that now.
I'm understanding that
in a relationship,
1156
00:46:53,586 --> 00:46:56,053
things will change, people.
Nothing stays great forever.
1157
00:46:56,086 --> 00:46:58,620
Sex will change.
1158
00:46:58,653 --> 00:47:00,420
In the beginning,
it's amazing.
1159
00:47:00,453 --> 00:47:02,920
You know why?
Men, we're creative.
1160
00:47:02,953 --> 00:47:05,720
We're spontaneous.
We've got a bunch of stuff
we want you to do.
1161
00:47:05,753 --> 00:47:07,586
"Come on,
let's do this.
Let's try this."
1162
00:47:07,620 --> 00:47:09,020
We've got a whole
bunch of stuff.
1163
00:47:09,053 --> 00:47:11,086
But after a while, fellas,
we get repetitive.
1164
00:47:11,120 --> 00:47:14,120
We start to do the same thing
over and over again.
1165
00:47:14,153 --> 00:47:16,020
Your lady will never
tell you this.
1166
00:47:16,053 --> 00:47:18,120
You got to be a real man.
You got to check your ego
1167
00:47:18,153 --> 00:47:20,586
to figure this out.
I'm gonna tell you how
you can tell
1168
00:47:20,620 --> 00:47:22,520
if you've been doing
the same stuff for years.
1169
00:47:22,553 --> 00:47:22,650
She ever get into a position
before you put her in it?
1170
00:47:22,651 --> 00:47:25,020
She ever get into a position
before you put her in it?
1171
00:47:25,053 --> 00:47:27,620
Think about it.
1172
00:47:27,653 --> 00:47:30,453
Just think about it a second.
That's how you can tell.
1173
00:47:30,486 --> 00:47:32,686
That's how
they mess with you.
You'll be having sex,
1174
00:47:32,720 --> 00:47:34,720
she's like...
( moaning )
1175
00:47:39,553 --> 00:47:41,386
"You want me
to turn over, right?
I knew it.
1176
00:47:41,420 --> 00:47:43,453
Same thing since '88.
You ain't changed."
1177
00:47:45,020 --> 00:47:47,053
She start answering questions
before you ask 'em.
1178
00:47:47,086 --> 00:47:49,120
"It's yours."
"I ain't say shit."
"You're about to.
1179
00:47:49,153 --> 00:47:51,653
You say the same thing
every time my ass
get up in the air.
1180
00:47:51,686 --> 00:47:52,650
You're about to come.
Watch, here it come.
1181
00:47:52,651 --> 00:47:53,886
You're about to come.
Watch, here it come.
1182
00:47:53,920 --> 00:47:55,853
You came?
I told you. High-five.
1183
00:47:55,886 --> 00:47:57,853
What'd I tell you?
I know my man.
Give it to me.
1184
00:47:57,886 --> 00:48:00,620
Up top."
Your dumb ass
get up dancing.
1185
00:48:00,653 --> 00:48:02,753
"You're goddamn right.
I tore that thing up."
1186
00:48:02,786 --> 00:48:04,653
No, you didn't.
No, you didn't.
1187
00:48:04,686 --> 00:48:07,586
It's the same dumbass moves
that you've been doing.
1188
00:48:10,020 --> 00:48:12,620
I know I'm not good
at sex anymore.
I know it.
1189
00:48:12,653 --> 00:48:16,553
No need for me to lie.
We've been together
too long.
1190
00:48:16,586 --> 00:48:19,053
I'm not gonna lie.
I've tried to rekindle
this flame, people.
1191
00:48:19,086 --> 00:48:21,386
I have.
I tried to spice it up.
1192
00:48:21,420 --> 00:48:22,650
Tried having
phone sex and stuff,
1193
00:48:22,651 --> 00:48:23,420
Tried having
phone sex and stuff,
1194
00:48:23,453 --> 00:48:25,953
but it's hard for me.
I've got too many people
in my house.
1195
00:48:25,986 --> 00:48:28,120
I got kids,
I got a nanny.
1196
00:48:28,153 --> 00:48:29,553
I got to call
at the right time.
1197
00:48:29,586 --> 00:48:31,120
I call one time,
she picked up.
1198
00:48:31,153 --> 00:48:33,753
I was like, "what you doin'?"
"Nothing. Laying down"
1199
00:48:33,786 --> 00:48:36,420
I said, "why don't you
lick your finger and touch
your nipple?"
1200
00:48:36,453 --> 00:48:39,053
She said, "what?"
I said, "shut up.
Just do it."
1201
00:48:39,086 --> 00:48:40,953
Out of nowhere,
all I heard was,
1202
00:48:40,986 --> 00:48:42,820
"daddy, you want me
to do mine too?"
1203
00:48:42,853 --> 00:48:46,353
"Hello? Hello?
1204
00:48:46,386 --> 00:48:48,353
Hello?
1205
00:48:48,386 --> 00:48:50,353
Is that the baby
on the phone?
1206
00:48:50,386 --> 00:48:52,650
Well, what the hell
is the baby doing on
the goddamn phone?"
1207
00:48:52,651 --> 00:48:53,053
Well, what the hell
is the baby doing on
the goddamn phone?"
1208
00:48:53,086 --> 00:48:55,686
When I came home,
it's like, "daddy!"
1209
00:48:55,720 --> 00:48:58,420
"Hey, no!
1210
00:48:58,453 --> 00:49:00,786
No! Come here.
That's gay!
1211
00:49:00,820 --> 00:49:02,986
Come here.
Let me tell you something!"
1212
00:49:03,020 --> 00:49:05,020
I didn't know what to do.
1213
00:49:05,053 --> 00:49:07,986
I did not know
what to do.
1214
00:49:08,020 --> 00:49:10,386
It's a difficult time
for me.
1215
00:49:12,853 --> 00:49:14,753
I'm gonna
tell you something.
1216
00:49:14,786 --> 00:49:17,853
I'm gonna tell you where
all of my sex advice comes from.
1217
00:49:17,886 --> 00:49:21,386
My grandpop.
My grandpop gives me
the best advice ever.
1218
00:49:21,420 --> 00:49:22,650
I love my grandpop to death.
I wish everybody could
meet my grandpop.
1219
00:49:22,651 --> 00:49:23,786
I love my grandpop to death.
I wish everybody could
meet my grandpop.
1220
00:49:23,820 --> 00:49:26,353
If you're lucky enough
to have your grandparents
in your life,
1221
00:49:26,386 --> 00:49:28,853
and you wanna laugh--
Listen to me.
1222
00:49:28,886 --> 00:49:30,886
Shouts out to all y'all
with grandparents.
1223
00:49:30,920 --> 00:49:33,620
If you got a grandparent
in your life
1224
00:49:33,653 --> 00:49:36,486
and want to laugh,
ask your grandpop--
Just see what he say--
1225
00:49:36,520 --> 00:49:38,353
Say, "grandpop,
when's the last time
you had some ass?"
1226
00:49:38,386 --> 00:49:41,053
Just to see--
Just to see what he says.
1227
00:49:41,086 --> 00:49:45,920
I promise you it'll be
the funniest shit you ever
heard in your life.
1228
00:49:45,953 --> 00:49:48,553
My grandpop never answered.
He just said a bunch of stuff.
1229
00:49:48,586 --> 00:49:51,886
This is not a joke.
I said, "grandpop, when's
the last time you had some ass?"
1230
00:49:51,920 --> 00:49:52,650
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID:
"Hey hey, look at me.
1231
00:49:52,651 --> 00:49:54,386
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID:
"Hey hey, look at me.
1232
00:49:54,420 --> 00:49:56,586
Okay?
Hey hey.
1233
00:49:56,620 --> 00:49:58,753
Hey. What'd I do?
You know what I did.
1234
00:49:58,786 --> 00:50:01,486
All right? Okay?
Let me tell you something.
1235
00:50:01,520 --> 00:50:04,553
I put that key in that door
and locked that motherfucker,
didn't I?
1236
00:50:04,586 --> 00:50:07,520
Hey. Okay? Hey. Gave her
that goddamn 'wha-whan,'
1237
00:50:07,553 --> 00:50:11,386
yes, I did. Yes, I did!
Look at my eyes.
Roll 'em."
1238
00:50:11,420 --> 00:50:14,853
"What? What does
any of that mean?
1239
00:50:14,886 --> 00:50:16,720
What did you just say?
1240
00:50:16,753 --> 00:50:19,686
What did you say,
grandpop?"
1241
00:50:25,386 --> 00:50:27,353
I'm telling you, man,
he's funny.
1242
00:50:27,386 --> 00:50:31,753
My grandpa's one of those
old down-south old men.
1243
00:50:31,786 --> 00:50:35,486
When my grandpa cuss,
he pronounce every letter
in the cuss word.
1244
00:50:35,520 --> 00:50:38,486
"Sh-ee-it-tt!"
Like he's serious.
1245
00:50:38,520 --> 00:50:40,520
He's serious old, man.
1246
00:50:40,553 --> 00:50:44,053
Let me tell you.
This is what he does
every day.
1247
00:50:44,086 --> 00:50:46,853
All my grandpop do every day--
He just stand at the
screen door
1248
00:50:46,886 --> 00:50:48,920
and just complain
and shit.
1249
00:50:48,953 --> 00:50:50,720
He just fuss all day.
1250
00:50:50,753 --> 00:50:52,650
"Look look look look
look look look.
1251
00:50:52,651 --> 00:50:53,020
"Look look look look
look look look.
1252
00:50:53,053 --> 00:50:55,586
Look look look at this.
Somebody come look at this.
1253
00:50:55,620 --> 00:50:59,086
Look at this.
Somebody come look at this.
1254
00:50:59,120 --> 00:51:01,120
Look at this.
1255
00:51:01,153 --> 00:51:04,853
Goddamn cat drinking milk
out the bowl.
1256
00:51:04,886 --> 00:51:07,753
Get out the bowl!"
This is what makes me laugh.
1257
00:51:07,786 --> 00:51:11,086
After he yell at somethin',
he stare at it for a long time.
1258
00:51:11,120 --> 00:51:13,320
"Get out the bowl!"
1259
00:51:34,753 --> 00:51:36,853
He was asleep.
He fell asleep.
1260
00:51:39,086 --> 00:51:41,586
I wish y'all
could see him.
1261
00:51:41,620 --> 00:51:43,120
Kids be teasin' him.
1262
00:51:43,153 --> 00:51:45,020
Kids are mean, man.
1263
00:51:45,053 --> 00:51:47,686
Why are kids so mean?
1264
00:51:47,720 --> 00:51:50,453
'cause they know he can't
get out the screen door.
1265
00:51:51,786 --> 00:51:52,650
They tease him.
They come up to the door.
1266
00:51:52,651 --> 00:51:53,820
They tease him.
They come up to the door.
1267
00:51:55,386 --> 00:51:57,386
Shit.
He gets so mad.
1268
00:51:57,420 --> 00:51:59,420
( mimics splutter )
1269
00:51:59,453 --> 00:52:02,486
Have you ever seen
an old person
1270
00:52:02,520 --> 00:52:05,020
get real pissed off
till they start making
them noises?
1271
00:52:05,053 --> 00:52:07,053
( mimics splutter )
1272
00:52:07,086 --> 00:52:09,353
"What?
What'd he say?"
1273
00:52:09,386 --> 00:52:11,486
"He's just angry.
1274
00:52:11,520 --> 00:52:14,053
He's an angry old man."
1275
00:52:15,520 --> 00:52:17,586
I saw my grandpop fall
one time.
1276
00:52:19,420 --> 00:52:20,953
Funniest shit I've ever
seen in my life.
1277
00:52:20,986 --> 00:52:22,650
Took my grandpop
47 seconds to fall.
1278
00:52:22,651 --> 00:52:23,920
Took my grandpop
47 seconds to fall.
1279
00:52:25,786 --> 00:52:28,553
It took too long.
It took way too long.
1280
00:52:28,586 --> 00:52:30,920
It's funny,
but it's not funny.
1281
00:52:30,953 --> 00:52:32,786
I'm gonna show you
exactly what I saw.
1282
00:52:32,820 --> 00:52:36,620
This is how my grandpa fell.
This is exactly what I saw.
1283
00:52:36,653 --> 00:52:38,586
Ahh...
1284
00:52:50,153 --> 00:52:52,650
I got tired of watching.
I just kicked it.
"Stop. Let go.
1285
00:52:52,651 --> 00:52:53,486
I got tired of watching.
I just kicked it.
"Stop. Let go.
1286
00:52:53,520 --> 00:52:56,053
Stop it. Stop it.
It could have been over.
1287
00:52:56,086 --> 00:52:58,020
You've not even
got that far. Stop.
1288
00:52:58,053 --> 00:53:00,886
It's too much,
grandpop."
1289
00:53:06,920 --> 00:53:09,020
Watching people fall
is funny.
1290
00:53:09,053 --> 00:53:11,420
When was the last time
you really fell?
1291
00:53:11,453 --> 00:53:13,620
"Oh oh oh!"
One of those.
1292
00:53:13,653 --> 00:53:16,320
"Oh no no!"
1293
00:53:17,653 --> 00:53:19,720
Hey, Shaq, when you fall
during the games,
1294
00:53:19,753 --> 00:53:21,820
it's the funniest shit
I've ever seen in my life.
1295
00:53:23,586 --> 00:53:26,086
Hey, you ever see his legs
after he fall?
1296
00:53:26,120 --> 00:53:28,120
Next time, look.
I'm telling you, y'all.
1297
00:53:28,153 --> 00:53:30,053
Next time you watch
a game and he fall,
this exactly what he do.
1298
00:53:30,086 --> 00:53:32,020
Look, it's always
something stupid.
1299
00:53:32,053 --> 00:53:34,320
He go up to get a rebound,
he don't get it.
"Oh. No."
1300
00:53:51,386 --> 00:53:52,650
LeBron. This is LeBron.
Look at him.
1301
00:53:52,651 --> 00:53:53,020
LeBron. This is LeBron.
Look at him.
1302
00:53:53,053 --> 00:53:56,353
"God damn it, Shaq.
Get your ass-- Shit, man.
1303
00:53:56,386 --> 00:53:59,786
Get up."
"I didn't know.
I didn't know."
1304
00:53:59,820 --> 00:54:03,453
( laughing )
1305
00:54:06,686 --> 00:54:08,586
Okay, one more, one more.
1306
00:54:08,620 --> 00:54:11,120
Shaq, this is how
you fall frontwards.
1307
00:54:11,153 --> 00:54:13,086
"Hey, no.
Oh God, please."
1308
00:54:26,486 --> 00:54:30,086
Holy shit!
Holy shit!
1309
00:54:30,120 --> 00:54:33,520
Oh, y'all got to look
at the coach's face.
1310
00:54:33,553 --> 00:54:35,586
Y'all don't watch
the right shit, man.
1311
00:54:36,953 --> 00:54:39,386
This is Shaq falling
and this is the coach.
1312
00:54:41,520 --> 00:54:43,620
"Somebody help his ass up.
1313
00:54:43,653 --> 00:54:46,386
LeBron, get him up!"
1314
00:54:46,420 --> 00:54:48,453
( mumbles gruffly )
1315
00:54:53,553 --> 00:54:55,486
"No no no.
1316
00:54:55,520 --> 00:54:57,720
I pushed him too hard."
1317
00:55:00,453 --> 00:55:02,720
I told you I was gonna
fuck with you.
1318
00:55:05,686 --> 00:55:08,053
I'm gonna tell y'all,
the fucked-up part
about that joke?
1319
00:55:08,086 --> 00:55:10,953
I fucked my knee up just now.
That shit hurt.
1320
00:55:10,986 --> 00:55:14,120
That shit hurt
so goddamn bad.
I tried to run it off.
1321
00:55:14,153 --> 00:55:16,120
That shit locked up
on me, didn't it?
1322
00:55:16,153 --> 00:55:19,586
That age is coming out.
That shit hurt like hell.
1323
00:55:21,586 --> 00:55:22,650
Talking about people falling.
1324
00:55:22,651 --> 00:55:23,953
Talking about people falling.
1325
00:55:23,986 --> 00:55:25,920
Tell you who else is funny
to watch fall.
1326
00:55:25,953 --> 00:55:29,086
Women, you don't fall,
you buckle.
1327
00:55:29,120 --> 00:55:31,653
I like watching
you guys buckle--
That heel.
1328
00:55:31,686 --> 00:55:33,653
Fop fop.
I like that.
1329
00:55:33,686 --> 00:55:37,020
That heel get hold of y'all.
Fop fop real quick.
1330
00:55:37,053 --> 00:55:39,386
Oh, that's the funniest
shit ever to me.
1331
00:55:39,420 --> 00:55:41,086
Y'all don't know
how to play it off.
1332
00:55:41,120 --> 00:55:43,053
Y'all don't know--
1333
00:55:43,086 --> 00:55:45,453
They don't know
what to do so they try
to stay regular.
1334
00:55:45,486 --> 00:55:47,686
It's always
on a cute night. "No, girl.
They talkin' 'bout--
1335
00:55:47,720 --> 00:55:49,886
Tonight-- No no, bitch.
1336
00:55:49,920 --> 00:55:51,986
Please, get the--
Get the heel.
1337
00:55:52,020 --> 00:55:52,650
No, it's slushy.
Get the heel.
1338
00:55:52,651 --> 00:55:54,020
No, it's slushy.
Get the heel.
1339
00:55:54,053 --> 00:55:56,653
Get the heel
back there, please."
1340
00:56:00,486 --> 00:56:02,620
Or y'all do--
Or y'all do that shit--
1341
00:56:02,653 --> 00:56:05,486
Or y'all do that shit
where y'all miss a step.
1342
00:56:05,520 --> 00:56:07,653
You ever see a girl
miss a step?
1343
00:56:07,686 --> 00:56:09,620
She don't fall down the steps.
Y'all ride 'em.
1344
00:56:09,653 --> 00:56:11,553
"N-n-no."
Y'all do that right there?
1345
00:56:11,586 --> 00:56:13,553
"N-n-no no no.
N-n-no."
1346
00:56:13,586 --> 00:56:17,353
You ever notice there's always
a pervert guy to catch you?
1347
00:56:17,386 --> 00:56:19,386
"N-n-no."
"I got you.
God damn. I got you.
1348
00:56:19,420 --> 00:56:21,920
Oh, damn it.
God damn.
1349
00:56:21,953 --> 00:56:22,650
You almost fell,
didn't you?
1350
00:56:22,651 --> 00:56:23,920
You almost fell,
didn't you?
1351
00:56:23,953 --> 00:56:26,753
I got you.
No, I got you
by your titties.
1352
00:56:26,786 --> 00:56:29,020
That's what I caught
you by-- Your titties.
1353
00:56:29,053 --> 00:56:30,820
Jesus.
1354
00:56:30,853 --> 00:56:33,486
I've never seen
anybody fall like that.
1355
00:56:33,520 --> 00:56:35,753
That was good.
I caught her right there.
1356
00:56:35,786 --> 00:56:37,986
Did you see how I caught her?
Her titty was in my hand."
1357
00:56:43,120 --> 00:56:45,886
I'm joking around
and making fun of
people falling,
1358
00:56:45,920 --> 00:56:47,920
old people and stuff,
but I can do that.
1359
00:56:47,953 --> 00:56:50,820
Know why?
I have old people
in my life that I'm close to.
1360
00:56:50,853 --> 00:56:52,920
My road manager and I
are very close.
1361
00:56:52,953 --> 00:56:56,653
He's older. He's old.
We fight a lot though.
1362
00:56:56,686 --> 00:56:58,953
It's kind of
like a relationship.
Been around me for years.
1363
00:56:58,986 --> 00:57:01,086
He was with me before money
even came into the picture.
1364
00:57:01,120 --> 00:57:02,720
He's the one scrambling
up for me.
1365
00:57:02,753 --> 00:57:04,586
When you're around
somebody for so long,
1366
00:57:04,620 --> 00:57:05,986
naturally you start
to butt heads.
1367
00:57:06,020 --> 00:57:07,553
Little shit annoy you.
1368
00:57:07,586 --> 00:57:09,553
I don't like
the way he sneezes.
1369
00:57:09,586 --> 00:57:11,486
I don't like it.
1370
00:57:11,520 --> 00:57:11,620
I swear to God,
when he sneeze,
it's a close call.
1371
00:57:11,621 --> 00:57:14,453
I swear to God,
when he sneeze,
it's a close call.
1372
00:57:14,486 --> 00:57:16,086
You think
he's about to die.
1373
00:57:16,120 --> 00:57:18,120
This is how he sneeze.
I'm not bullshitting.
1374
00:57:18,153 --> 00:57:20,520
It's the scariest shit
I've ever heard in my life.
1375
00:57:20,553 --> 00:57:22,720
( mimics raucous sneeze )
1376
00:57:28,453 --> 00:57:30,953
I've never seen nobody
catch their breath
from a sneeze.
1377
00:57:32,886 --> 00:57:34,753
He's old though, man.
1378
00:57:34,786 --> 00:57:36,786
He does so much shit
that pisses me off.
1379
00:57:36,820 --> 00:57:40,853
I don't like it
when people are slow.
He's very slow.
1380
00:57:40,886 --> 00:57:41,620
When you get in the car,
how long does it take
you to pull off?
1381
00:57:41,621 --> 00:57:43,720
When you get in the car,
how long does it take
you to pull off?
1382
00:57:43,753 --> 00:57:45,753
A couple seconds, right?
1383
00:57:45,786 --> 00:57:48,453
Okay.
It took him 25 minutes
to pull off the other day.
1384
00:57:48,486 --> 00:57:50,886
I'm dead serious.
I can't--
1385
00:57:50,920 --> 00:57:53,486
I can't tell you.
I got to show you.
1386
00:57:53,520 --> 00:57:55,553
But don't make me
laugh, okay?
1387
00:57:55,586 --> 00:57:57,420
I'm gonna show you
exactly what he did.
1388
00:57:57,453 --> 00:58:00,120
Okay.
I'm in the car.
I'm in the passenger seat.
1389
00:58:00,153 --> 00:58:02,020
I got my seatbelt on.
I'm ready for him.
1390
00:58:02,053 --> 00:58:04,053
All he's got to do
is get in, pull off.
1391
00:58:04,086 --> 00:58:06,653
I'm gonna show you.
Don't make me laugh though.
1392
00:58:09,586 --> 00:58:11,453
"All right.
Let's go.
1393
00:58:12,886 --> 00:58:14,920
( grunts )
Okay.
1394
00:59:19,520 --> 00:59:21,420
( mimics sneeze )
1395
00:59:26,953 --> 00:59:29,820
Oh. Oh no.
1396
00:59:29,853 --> 00:59:31,853
Okay.
Hey hey.
1397
00:59:31,886 --> 00:59:33,753
Hey, Kevin.
1398
00:59:33,786 --> 00:59:36,353
Hey, Kevin.
Hey, Kevin.
1399
00:59:36,386 --> 00:59:38,986
Hey.
Hey hey, Kevin.
1400
00:59:39,020 --> 00:59:41,420
Look where they at."
1401
00:59:51,886 --> 00:59:54,720
Now I don't wanna laugh
'cause I wanna see what
he's gonna say
1402
00:59:54,753 --> 00:59:56,920
about taking so long.
This is exactly what he did.
1403
00:59:56,953 --> 00:59:59,353
I'm not bullshitting.
"Oh God. All right.
1404
00:59:59,386 --> 01:00:01,420
All right, let's go.
All right.
1405
01:00:01,453 --> 01:00:04,486
Got it.
All right, got it.
1406
01:00:04,520 --> 01:00:06,620
Got it.
1407
01:00:07,620 --> 01:00:09,386
Got it.
1408
01:00:09,420 --> 01:00:11,620
You ready? You ready
to get on out of here?"
1409
01:00:11,621 --> 01:00:11,853
You ready? You ready
to get on out of here?"
1410
01:00:11,886 --> 01:00:14,586
"What the f-- Yes.
I'm waiting on you.
Come on."
1411
01:00:14,620 --> 01:00:17,553
This is the shit
that pissed me off.
He's all, "let's go.
1412
01:00:17,586 --> 01:00:19,986
Gotcha gotcha gotcha."
1413
01:00:20,020 --> 01:00:21,920
What the fuck is this?
1414
01:00:23,886 --> 01:00:26,553
"Why are you shooting at me?"
That shit made me so mad.
1415
01:00:26,586 --> 01:00:29,453
Like "what the fuck?
Don't put your hands
in my face.
1416
01:00:29,486 --> 01:00:31,453
You're being an asshole.
Just drive, man.
1417
01:00:31,486 --> 01:00:33,453
Don't say shit to me.
Just drive the car."
1418
01:00:33,486 --> 01:00:35,486
That is the only time
I've ever cussed at Nate.
1419
01:00:35,520 --> 01:00:37,120
He'd never got mad
to the point where
he'd cuss back.
1420
01:00:37,153 --> 01:00:38,920
This is the first time
he ever cussed back at me.
1421
01:00:38,953 --> 01:00:41,620
I could tell how old he was
by the way he cussed at me.
1422
01:00:41,621 --> 01:00:41,653
I could tell how old he was
by the way he cussed at me.
1423
01:00:41,686 --> 01:00:44,053
THIS IS WHAT HE SAID:
"Let me tell you
something, sucka.
1424
01:00:44,086 --> 01:00:46,586
Hey! Listen, Jack,
1425
01:00:46,620 --> 01:00:48,686
you ain't nothing
but a piece of cheese
without the corners.
1426
01:00:48,720 --> 01:00:50,953
In other words,
you ain't never gonna be
a slice, bitch."
1427
01:00:55,386 --> 01:00:56,553
"What did you
just say to me?"
1428
01:00:56,586 --> 01:00:58,886
"You heard what
the fuck I said."
1429
01:00:58,920 --> 01:01:01,653
Here's the thing--
I give Nate a lot of shit.
1430
01:01:01,686 --> 01:01:03,486
I tease Nate a lot, okay?
1431
01:01:03,520 --> 01:01:05,886
But at the end of the day,
he's got my back.
1432
01:01:05,920 --> 01:01:08,053
I know he does.
Nate'd take a bullet
for me if he had to.
1433
01:01:08,086 --> 01:01:10,686
How do I know this?
It's been confirmed.
All right?
1434
01:01:10,720 --> 01:01:11,620
We was in Dallas, Texas--
1435
01:01:11,621 --> 01:01:12,720
We was in Dallas, Texas--
1436
01:01:12,753 --> 01:01:15,820
Me, Nate, my boy Harry,
1437
01:01:15,853 --> 01:01:18,053
Wayne, spank--
My lady was with me.
1438
01:01:18,086 --> 01:01:20,853
We having a good time.
We do a show, we're at
the after party.
1439
01:01:20,886 --> 01:01:23,120
We gettin' it in.
♪ Mmm mmm ♪
1440
01:01:23,153 --> 01:01:25,353
♪ Get money,
mmm mmm ♪
1441
01:01:25,386 --> 01:01:27,786
♪ Get money. ♪
We gettin' it in, right?
1442
01:01:27,820 --> 01:01:30,086
I look up,
the owner of the club,
1443
01:01:30,120 --> 01:01:32,386
he got my lady by the arm,
her girlfriend by the other arm,
1444
01:01:32,420 --> 01:01:34,586
he's throwing them out.
I saw it happen,
1445
01:01:34,620 --> 01:01:36,653
but I acted like I didn't
'cause I didn't want to
be a part of it.
1446
01:01:36,686 --> 01:01:38,586
I didn't want
to be involved.
1447
01:01:38,620 --> 01:01:40,520
My boy Wayne
was like, "yo, he got
your girl by the arm."
1448
01:01:40,553 --> 01:01:41,620
"What? Chill.
Don't nobody do shit.
I got it."
1449
01:01:41,621 --> 01:01:42,486
"What? Chill.
Don't nobody do shit.
I got it."
1450
01:01:42,520 --> 01:01:44,586
I run up to him.
I say, "don't put your
hands on my lady, man."
1451
01:01:44,620 --> 01:01:46,753
I pushed him.
He didn't go back that far,
1452
01:01:46,786 --> 01:01:49,620
but it was
a good push for me.
It was all I had.
1453
01:01:49,653 --> 01:01:51,520
When I did it,
he was like, "security!"
1454
01:01:51,553 --> 01:01:53,886
Security came up,
grabbed me, put me in
a full-Nelson.
1455
01:01:53,920 --> 01:01:56,486
Now you know how
you think you making
somebody struggle?
1456
01:01:56,520 --> 01:01:57,820
You think you
give 'em a hard way to go?
1457
01:01:57,853 --> 01:01:59,353
I thought I was,
but I wasn't.
1458
01:01:59,386 --> 01:02:01,386
I was just moving my face.
I was like...
1459
01:02:01,420 --> 01:02:03,420
( grunts )
1460
01:02:03,453 --> 01:02:05,986
So now in my mind, I'm like,
"where is Wayne at?"
1461
01:02:06,020 --> 01:02:09,020
That's my security guard.
That's who I pay for shit
like this not to happen.
1462
01:02:09,053 --> 01:02:11,620
On cue, Wayne and my boy
spank come running up,
1463
01:02:11,621 --> 01:02:12,420
On cue, Wayne and my boy
spank come running up,
1464
01:02:12,453 --> 01:02:14,386
they grab
the security guards.
They're like, "get off him.
1465
01:02:14,420 --> 01:02:16,420
Let him go."
Now I hear 'em.
1466
01:02:16,453 --> 01:02:18,886
I'm still in a full-Nelson,
but I hear my friends
1467
01:02:18,920 --> 01:02:21,053
so I feel better.
I know I'm safe now.
1468
01:02:21,086 --> 01:02:24,053
But before they let me go,
the owner mushes me!
1469
01:02:24,086 --> 01:02:27,353
He puts his hand on my face.
"I said get the fuck
outta here."
1470
01:02:27,386 --> 01:02:29,853
Mushed me.
I never had nobody
put their hand on my face.
1471
01:02:29,886 --> 01:02:32,086
I didn't know what to do.
I didn't know how
to get it off.
1472
01:02:32,120 --> 01:02:34,786
I panicked.
I panicked.
1473
01:02:34,820 --> 01:02:37,486
I licked his palm.
1474
01:02:37,520 --> 01:02:38,986
I licked the shit
out of his palm.
1475
01:02:39,020 --> 01:02:40,886
"Get your hands...
Off my face."
1476
01:02:40,920 --> 01:02:41,620
He was like...
( guttural grunt )
1477
01:02:41,621 --> 01:02:43,753
He was like...
( guttural grunt )
1478
01:02:43,786 --> 01:02:46,053
Then they let me go.
Now I'm free,
1479
01:02:46,086 --> 01:02:48,520
but I'm not leaving
'cause I don't want him
to think I'm a bitch.
1480
01:02:48,553 --> 01:02:51,120
So I run back up to him.
"Yo, man, don't put your
hands on my face.
1481
01:02:51,153 --> 01:02:53,486
You don't know me like that."
As I'm talking to him,
1482
01:02:53,520 --> 01:02:55,520
I'm like, "oh shit,
he's in a fighting stance.
1483
01:02:55,553 --> 01:02:57,586
Kev, he about to hit you.
Protect yourself.
1484
01:02:57,620 --> 01:02:59,720
Better yet,
hit him first."
1485
01:02:59,753 --> 01:03:01,820
I throw a punch.
Punched him right in the face.
1486
01:03:01,853 --> 01:03:03,720
Bow! Never hit nobody
in the face before.
1487
01:03:03,753 --> 01:03:05,786
I was excited.
I celebrated.
1488
01:03:05,820 --> 01:03:07,820
I was like,
"yeah, bitch.
You don't want it.
1489
01:03:07,853 --> 01:03:09,653
Real niggas.
All day.
1490
01:03:09,686 --> 01:03:11,420
D-block. All day.
1491
01:03:11,453 --> 01:03:11,620
By myself.
Gun on my waist.
1492
01:03:11,621 --> 01:03:13,386
By myself.
Gun on my waist.
1493
01:03:13,420 --> 01:03:15,553
Smile on my face.
In jail.
1494
01:03:15,586 --> 01:03:17,453
One bed.
One blanket.
1495
01:03:17,486 --> 01:03:18,720
You wanna go
night night, nigga?
1496
01:03:18,753 --> 01:03:21,020
You wanna
go night night, nigga?"
1497
01:03:22,620 --> 01:03:24,986
So now he tries
to tackle me.
1498
01:03:25,020 --> 01:03:26,886
As I'm in my speech,
he tackles me.
1499
01:03:26,920 --> 01:03:28,953
Why would you tackle me?
I'm small.
1500
01:03:28,986 --> 01:03:30,820
I got a low
center of gravity.
I get him off me.
1501
01:03:30,853 --> 01:03:32,820
I start uppercutting him.
Mmm mmm mmm.
1502
01:03:32,853 --> 01:03:35,020
Whipping his ass.
He realizes that he's losing.
1503
01:03:35,053 --> 01:03:36,953
He tries to call
his security guard back.
1504
01:03:36,986 --> 01:03:38,920
"Thomas, Thomas,
come help."
1505
01:03:38,953 --> 01:03:41,520
I look over.
Wayne, my security guard--
1506
01:03:41,553 --> 01:03:41,620
Wayne got a real big stomach.
Wayne had Thomas
on the wall.
1507
01:03:41,621 --> 01:03:44,420
Wayne got a real big stomach.
Wayne had Thomas
on the wall.
1508
01:03:44,453 --> 01:03:46,953
When I looked over,
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I SAW:
1509
01:03:46,986 --> 01:03:49,753
Wayne was like,
"what you doin'?
Where you goin'?
1510
01:03:49,786 --> 01:03:52,453
No, what you doin'?
Where you gonna go?
What you doin'?"
1511
01:03:52,486 --> 01:03:56,053
It didn't look good.
I didn't know if he
was helping me
1512
01:03:56,086 --> 01:03:58,586
or helping his self.
I never brought it back up.
1513
01:03:58,620 --> 01:04:01,886
I didn't want to know.
So now reality has kicked in.
1514
01:04:01,920 --> 01:04:03,920
"Oh shit,
I'm in Dallas, Texas.
1515
01:04:03,953 --> 01:04:05,920
If I get arrested out here,
I'm not getting out of jail
1516
01:04:05,953 --> 01:04:07,920
till, like, Tuesday."
I'm like, "yo, let's go.
1517
01:04:07,953 --> 01:04:10,753
Get the car.
Nate, get the car!
Let's go!"
1518
01:04:10,786 --> 01:04:11,620
This is how I knew
Nate was O.G.
1519
01:04:11,621 --> 01:04:12,453
This is how I knew
Nate was O.G.
1520
01:04:12,486 --> 01:04:14,486
Nate got the car,
pulled the car up on the curb,
1521
01:04:14,520 --> 01:04:16,620
blocked the whole
curb off, right?
1522
01:04:16,653 --> 01:04:19,853
I've never seen Nate
this hype in my life.
He was hype as shit.
1523
01:04:19,886 --> 01:04:22,386
He's like, "hey!
Get Kev in the car!
1524
01:04:22,420 --> 01:04:24,653
Hurry up, man!
Hurry up before the cops come.
1525
01:04:24,686 --> 01:04:27,386
Somebody grab his head,
push his head down so
they don't see him."
1526
01:04:27,420 --> 01:04:30,520
When he said that,
I was like, "oh shit.
Nate used to be a killer.
1527
01:04:30,553 --> 01:04:32,420
How else would
he know what to do
1528
01:04:32,453 --> 01:04:34,453
in a situation
like this?
1529
01:04:34,486 --> 01:04:36,953
I don't even know
who he is anymore."
Then he snaps on me.
1530
01:04:36,986 --> 01:04:39,353
"I can't believe you, Kevin.
You got a career!
1531
01:04:39,386 --> 01:04:40,886
You doin' television,
you doin' movies.
1532
01:04:40,920 --> 01:04:41,620
You gonna jeopardize that shit
for a street fight?
1533
01:04:41,621 --> 01:04:42,953
You gonna jeopardize that shit
for a street fight?
1534
01:04:42,986 --> 01:04:44,786
That's stupid!
Let's go!
1535
01:04:44,820 --> 01:04:47,020
Hurry up, man!
Hurry up 'fore the cops come.
1536
01:04:47,053 --> 01:04:49,453
We don't have time.
Y'all wanna do what
y'all wanna do.
1537
01:04:49,486 --> 01:04:52,453
We got to get the hell
out of here.
1538
01:04:52,486 --> 01:04:54,753
We don't have
this type of time."
1539
01:05:00,720 --> 01:05:03,586
( mimics siren )
We never pulled off.
We got locked up on the spot.
1540
01:05:03,620 --> 01:05:06,086
Cleveland, I love y'all.
My name's Kev Hart.
Thank you.
1541
01:05:17,120 --> 01:05:19,320
( music playing )
126923
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