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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,833 --> 00:00:02,375 ♪♪ 2 00:00:02,375 --> 00:00:05,250 -Dot com. 3 00:00:05,250 --> 00:00:09,167 [ "Like a Rolling Stone" by Bob Dylan playing ] 4 00:00:09,167 --> 00:00:15,292 ♪♪ 5 00:00:15,292 --> 00:00:17,750 -♪ Once upon a time you dressed so fine ♪ 6 00:00:17,750 --> 00:00:21,417 ♪ Threw the bums a dime in your prime ♪ 7 00:00:21,417 --> 00:00:23,042 ♪ Didn't you? ♪ 8 00:00:23,042 --> 00:00:25,333 ♪♪ 9 00:00:25,333 --> 00:00:27,542 ♪ People call, say: Beware, doll ♪ 10 00:00:27,542 --> 00:00:28,750 ♪ You're bound to fall ♪ 11 00:00:28,750 --> 00:00:31,167 ♪ You thought they were all ♪ 12 00:00:31,167 --> 00:00:32,875 ♪ A-kidding you ♪ 13 00:00:32,875 --> 00:00:36,375 ♪♪ 14 00:00:36,375 --> 00:00:41,500 ♪ You used to laugh about ♪ 15 00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:45,917 ♪ Everybody that was hanging out ♪ 16 00:00:45,917 --> 00:00:50,875 ♪ Now you don't talk so loud ♪ 17 00:00:50,875 --> 00:00:55,208 ♪ Now you don't seem so proud ♪ 18 00:00:55,208 --> 00:00:59,042 ♪ About having to be scrounging ♪ 19 00:00:59,042 --> 00:01:03,875 ♪ Your next meal ♪ 20 00:01:03,875 --> 00:01:05,958 ♪ How does it feel ♪ 21 00:01:05,958 --> 00:01:08,750 [ Cheering and applause ] 22 00:01:08,750 --> 00:01:10,958 ♪ How does it feel ♪ 23 00:01:10,958 --> 00:01:13,333 ♪♪ 24 00:01:13,333 --> 00:01:15,750 ♪ To be without a home ♪ 25 00:01:15,750 --> 00:01:18,417 ♪♪ 26 00:01:18,417 --> 00:01:21,125 ♪ Like a complete unknown ♪ 27 00:01:21,125 --> 00:01:23,500 ♪♪ 28 00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:26,083 ♪ Like a rolling stone ♪ 29 00:01:26,083 --> 00:01:33,417 ♪♪ 30 00:01:33,417 --> 00:01:36,583 [ Cheering and applause ] 31 00:01:39,250 --> 00:01:43,208 [Chanting] -Louis! Louis! Louis! 32 00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:52,458 -[ Clears throat ] 33 00:01:52,458 --> 00:01:55,958 [ Laughter ] 34 00:01:55,958 --> 00:01:57,958 Well... 35 00:01:57,958 --> 00:02:02,417 [ Cheering and applause ] 36 00:02:10,458 --> 00:02:14,917 M-my -- my favorite sex position... 37 00:02:14,917 --> 00:02:18,167 [ Laughter ] 38 00:02:21,917 --> 00:02:27,250 My favorite sexual position is, uh, reverse cowgirl -- 39 00:02:27,250 --> 00:02:29,042 but I'm on top. 40 00:02:29,042 --> 00:02:31,292 [ Laughter ] 41 00:02:35,333 --> 00:02:37,500 Are you picturing that? It's good. 42 00:02:37,500 --> 00:02:39,333 It's really good. Nobody gets pregnant. 43 00:02:39,333 --> 00:02:42,625 It's a lot of fun. 44 00:02:42,625 --> 00:02:45,958 I'm trying to learn things about myself. 45 00:02:45,958 --> 00:02:49,375 Um, I got a scale for my bathroom. 46 00:02:49,375 --> 00:02:53,000 I'm not trying to lose weight, I'm just interested in the data. 47 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:54,625 [ Laughter ] 48 00:02:54,625 --> 00:02:56,667 And I did learn something, I learned this -- 49 00:02:56,667 --> 00:02:59,625 because I weigh myself every night before I go to bed; 50 00:02:59,625 --> 00:03:01,833 and then I also weigh myself on the morning when I get up 51 00:03:01,833 --> 00:03:03,250 and I -- here's what I learned -- 52 00:03:03,250 --> 00:03:06,583 I weigh two pounds less every morning 53 00:03:06,583 --> 00:03:08,333 than when I went to bed -- and I found out why, 54 00:03:08,333 --> 00:03:10,583 it's because I shit in my bed every night. 55 00:03:10,583 --> 00:03:13,000 [ Laughter ] 56 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:18,167 I do -- I take a full two-pound dump in bed, 57 00:03:18,167 --> 00:03:20,958 and then I turn out the lights and I go to sleep. 58 00:03:23,292 --> 00:03:25,333 Because I don't want to sleep alone. 59 00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:29,708 Your needs change when you get older -- 60 00:03:29,708 --> 00:03:32,333 at my age, a big -- big pile of shit's as good as anybody. 61 00:03:32,333 --> 00:03:34,833 [ Laughter ] 62 00:03:37,625 --> 00:03:39,250 I actually have a girlfriend, 63 00:03:39,250 --> 00:03:41,792 but we're struggling, because she lives in France, 64 00:03:41,792 --> 00:03:44,000 uh, she's French, she lives all the way over there, 65 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:45,875 and we haven't been able to see each other for a year 66 00:03:45,875 --> 00:03:47,708 because of the disease. 67 00:03:47,708 --> 00:03:49,000 I have AIDS. 68 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:50,083 And, uh -- 69 00:03:50,083 --> 00:03:53,833 [ Laughter ] 70 00:03:53,833 --> 00:03:56,500 She's great, though, she sends me presents all the time. 71 00:03:56,500 --> 00:03:58,083 That's how she keeps it going. 72 00:03:58,083 --> 00:04:00,542 She sends me gifts in the mail. 73 00:04:00,542 --> 00:04:02,208 I get something from her every week. 74 00:04:02,208 --> 00:04:04,458 Sometimes it's chocolate from France or a shirt 75 00:04:04,458 --> 00:04:07,375 she wishes I would wear instead of things like this. 76 00:04:09,208 --> 00:04:11,125 And sometimes she sends something to make fun of me 77 00:04:11,125 --> 00:04:12,708 because she's a little fucked up, 78 00:04:12,708 --> 00:04:17,042 so last time she sent me a pair of little girl's panties. 79 00:04:17,042 --> 00:04:20,583 And, uh -- yeah, I was like, "That's not funny," 80 00:04:20,583 --> 00:04:23,250 because these are in my house now. 81 00:04:23,250 --> 00:04:26,333 I can't get rid of 'em! It's like nuclear waste! 82 00:04:26,333 --> 00:04:28,208 Think of it, I can't throw them out 83 00:04:28,208 --> 00:04:31,958 because I can't have people find little girl's panties 84 00:04:31,958 --> 00:04:36,083 in my garbage with coffee grounds and butter on 'em. 85 00:04:36,083 --> 00:04:39,792 [ Laughter ] 86 00:04:39,792 --> 00:04:41,458 And every solution I think of makes it worse, 87 00:04:41,458 --> 00:04:43,500 like, if I -- if I put 'em in a bag 88 00:04:43,500 --> 00:04:46,167 inside another bag and... 89 00:04:46,167 --> 00:04:50,500 Layers of duct tape, wrapped in tinfoil. 90 00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:56,458 Or if I put him in a coffee can and I nail it shut 91 00:04:56,458 --> 00:04:59,750 and I bury it in the park in the middle of the night. 92 00:05:03,750 --> 00:05:06,000 Or if I cut 'em into tiny pieces... 93 00:05:08,292 --> 00:05:12,167 ...and throw away one piece each week 94 00:05:12,167 --> 00:05:14,083 in a different town. 95 00:05:19,833 --> 00:05:21,417 My friend tried to help me, he's like, 96 00:05:21,417 --> 00:05:22,625 "Why don't you just burn them?" 97 00:05:22,625 --> 00:05:24,333 I'm like, Do you understand? 98 00:05:24,333 --> 00:05:26,083 Even if there's a one-in-a-million chance 99 00:05:26,083 --> 00:05:29,125 I get caught burning little girl's panties... 100 00:05:29,125 --> 00:05:31,500 [ Laughter ] 101 00:05:35,833 --> 00:05:37,875 So I'm wearing them right now. So... 102 00:05:37,875 --> 00:05:40,583 [ Laughter and applause ] 103 00:05:40,583 --> 00:05:44,542 Yep -- it's the only solution I could come up with, 104 00:05:44,542 --> 00:05:47,250 I wear 'em every day... 105 00:05:47,250 --> 00:05:50,917 And I hand-wash them. 106 00:05:50,917 --> 00:05:52,500 And then I dry them like this -- [ Blowing ] 107 00:05:59,417 --> 00:06:01,792 Just right on the little strawberries. 108 00:06:01,792 --> 00:06:06,250 [ Laughter ] 109 00:06:06,250 --> 00:06:08,125 Here's the thing: men... 110 00:06:08,125 --> 00:06:10,250 our biggest fear in life is that we're going to get caught 111 00:06:10,250 --> 00:06:12,583 being a kid fucker, that's every guy's biggest fear. 112 00:06:12,583 --> 00:06:15,333 Even if you would never do it, every guy's like, 113 00:06:15,333 --> 00:06:18,792 "That's what's going to happen to me, I know it." 114 00:06:20,417 --> 00:06:22,667 It's like being afraid of sharks when you live in the desert, 115 00:06:22,667 --> 00:06:26,208 like, "I don't go to the ocean, but it's going to happen." 116 00:06:26,208 --> 00:06:28,500 'Cause it's a fear not based in its likelihood, 117 00:06:28,500 --> 00:06:31,833 but in how horrible it would be if it happened. 118 00:06:31,833 --> 00:06:34,917 Because when they catch a pedophile, holy fuck. 119 00:06:34,917 --> 00:06:39,250 Holy shit! 120 00:06:39,250 --> 00:06:40,875 It's brutal -- because we're scared, 121 00:06:40,875 --> 00:06:42,458 we're so scared of pedophilia 122 00:06:42,458 --> 00:06:44,875 because it's here and it's not going anywhere. 123 00:06:44,875 --> 00:06:48,333 That's a fact -- it's not like there's a finite amount 124 00:06:48,333 --> 00:06:51,292 of pedophiles, and, "We got the last one!" 125 00:06:53,458 --> 00:06:55,250 No, they keep -- it keeps happening; 126 00:06:55,250 --> 00:06:57,667 every generation, there's more. 127 00:06:57,667 --> 00:07:01,000 Some of you have kids and some of them are going to grow up, 128 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:04,417 and fuck kids, they might, you know? 129 00:07:04,417 --> 00:07:05,917 Okay, no, I'm -- of course -- 130 00:07:05,917 --> 00:07:09,042 of course not yours, for some reason, but -- 131 00:07:09,042 --> 00:07:10,750 [ Laughter ] 132 00:07:10,750 --> 00:07:13,750 They're coming from someplace. 133 00:07:13,750 --> 00:07:16,958 So any real solution 134 00:07:16,958 --> 00:07:19,333 has to start with the basic reality 135 00:07:19,333 --> 00:07:22,500 that there will always be pedophiles. 136 00:07:22,500 --> 00:07:24,208 Not a great thought, I understand, 137 00:07:24,208 --> 00:07:26,583 it's not an uplifting... 138 00:07:26,583 --> 00:07:29,083 You wouldn't put that on a fridge magnet. 139 00:07:29,083 --> 00:07:32,333 [ Laughter ] 140 00:07:32,333 --> 00:07:35,000 Or on your screensaver at the office. 141 00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:41,125 "There will always be pedophiles." 142 00:07:44,625 --> 00:07:47,083 "Hey, where's Jim? He's not at his desk." 143 00:07:52,458 --> 00:07:54,375 We do -- we have to start with that reality, 144 00:07:54,375 --> 00:07:56,583 because our solutions that we have so far don't really work. 145 00:07:56,583 --> 00:07:58,958 Here is our current solution to pedophilia: 146 00:07:58,958 --> 00:08:01,417 We wait till somebody fucks about 10,000 kids, 147 00:08:01,417 --> 00:08:05,167 and then we go, "All right, you, you better cut that out." 148 00:08:05,167 --> 00:08:07,125 That's pretty much it. 149 00:08:07,125 --> 00:08:09,250 There is no measures for preventing it. 150 00:08:09,250 --> 00:08:11,708 None! We have no policy to prevent it pe-- 151 00:08:11,708 --> 00:08:16,292 No, we're not even just -- like a street sign. 152 00:08:16,292 --> 00:08:18,625 There's a street sign for everything! 153 00:08:18,625 --> 00:08:22,292 "No hunting," "no spitting," "no skateboarding." 154 00:08:22,292 --> 00:08:24,292 I've never seen a "Don't fuck a child" sign in the w-- 155 00:08:24,292 --> 00:08:26,000 I've been all over the world! 156 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:28,458 Not even just like a picture of a guy fucking a kid 157 00:08:28,458 --> 00:08:30,292 with a line through it, 158 00:08:30,292 --> 00:08:32,000 so that it... 159 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:35,333 transcends language barriers. 160 00:08:35,333 --> 00:08:37,292 I mean, try it! 161 00:08:37,292 --> 00:08:41,292 You won't get most of them with the sign. 162 00:08:41,292 --> 00:08:43,333 But even if one out of 50 of them is like, 163 00:08:43,333 --> 00:08:46,000 "Oh, shit, I'm sorry, I didn't know it was an issue," 164 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:47,667 that's money well spent! 165 00:08:52,292 --> 00:08:54,833 There's things that might work, and we don't even try them. 166 00:08:54,833 --> 00:08:59,042 Like, is anybody working on very realistic child sex dolls? 167 00:09:00,917 --> 00:09:02,625 Okay, then let 'em fuck your kids forever, 168 00:09:02,625 --> 00:09:04,292 is th-- if that's better! 169 00:09:04,292 --> 00:09:06,667 I'm so sorry... 170 00:09:06,667 --> 00:09:09,292 for suggesting something that might actually work. 171 00:09:09,292 --> 00:09:11,625 "Oh, no! 172 00:09:11,625 --> 00:09:16,917 Let 'em fuck both my sons, but don't make a doll. 173 00:09:16,917 --> 00:09:19,375 That would be distasteful." 174 00:09:26,542 --> 00:09:29,042 The thing is that this -- I'm still talking about it -- 175 00:09:29,042 --> 00:09:31,708 this -- this problem... 176 00:09:31,708 --> 00:09:34,583 We lose things because we won't really face it, 177 00:09:34,583 --> 00:09:37,625 you know, that are important us, like the Boy Scouts. 178 00:09:37,625 --> 00:09:40,708 Boy Scouts -- wonderful thing, being sued out of existence 179 00:09:40,708 --> 00:09:44,750 'cause of all the kid fuckery that goes on. 180 00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:47,000 And I know it's upsetting, because, look, 181 00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:49,292 here's the thing: the Boy Scouts is a wonderful thing for kids. 182 00:09:49,292 --> 00:09:51,250 They go to the woods, they work together, 183 00:09:51,250 --> 00:09:53,708 they learn skills, they get in touch with nature. 184 00:09:53,708 --> 00:09:55,750 What could it be better for a boy than that? 185 00:09:55,750 --> 00:09:58,375 But some of those guys want to fuck the kids. 186 00:09:58,375 --> 00:10:00,875 I don't think they do it a lot. 187 00:10:00,875 --> 00:10:03,750 It's not like there's just a shit-load of kids 188 00:10:03,750 --> 00:10:05,958 being fucked in the Boy Scouts; 189 00:10:05,958 --> 00:10:07,375 I think it's mostly that 190 00:10:07,375 --> 00:10:09,667 they find out that the guy wants to... 191 00:10:09,667 --> 00:10:11,750 I don't actually know, though. 192 00:10:11,750 --> 00:10:13,958 I don't. Do you know why I don't know? 193 00:10:13,958 --> 00:10:15,583 Because I'm afraid to look it up! 194 00:10:15,583 --> 00:10:18,375 I'll go to prison for typing it 195 00:10:18,375 --> 00:10:20,500 into a Google! 196 00:10:20,500 --> 00:10:22,208 How do you solve a problem 197 00:10:22,208 --> 00:10:24,958 if you're afraid to fucking look it up? 198 00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:26,833 "How many Boy Scouts get fucked on a --" 199 00:10:26,833 --> 00:10:29,333 [ Imitating alarm blaring ] "Oh, shit!" 200 00:10:29,333 --> 00:10:32,292 [ Laughter and applause ] 201 00:10:34,542 --> 00:10:36,333 Every time I move, I've got to tell my neighbors 202 00:10:36,333 --> 00:10:38,250 that I looked that up. 203 00:10:43,500 --> 00:10:45,458 Here's what happens -- every few years you find out 204 00:10:45,458 --> 00:10:48,458 there's some pedophile-type people in the Boy Scouts 205 00:10:48,458 --> 00:10:52,083 and then they announce, "We got -- we got 'em all, 206 00:10:52,083 --> 00:10:53,792 we're good." 207 00:10:53,792 --> 00:10:56,625 And then a year later, "Whoa, there's a bunch more!" 208 00:10:56,625 --> 00:10:59,792 [ Harrumphs ] 209 00:10:59,792 --> 00:11:02,375 "What's going on here?!" 210 00:11:02,375 --> 00:11:05,292 At some point, you've got to wake up to the basic fact 211 00:11:05,292 --> 00:11:08,625 that the -- maybe the people who are best suited 212 00:11:08,625 --> 00:11:11,083 to give your kids these wonderful experiences 213 00:11:11,083 --> 00:11:12,500 are folks that want to fuck them. 214 00:11:12,500 --> 00:11:14,125 Maybe that's -- 215 00:11:14,125 --> 00:11:15,833 Maybe that's why they're good at it. 216 00:11:15,833 --> 00:11:18,625 Maybe that's -- if you want that, that's where you go. 217 00:11:18,625 --> 00:11:21,458 Maybe that's just the way that goes. 218 00:11:21,458 --> 00:11:23,167 Who else would want to take a bunch of kids 219 00:11:23,167 --> 00:11:24,875 to the fucking woods?! 220 00:11:24,875 --> 00:11:27,875 Who wants to take your shit kid to the fucking woods?! 221 00:11:27,875 --> 00:11:29,542 You don't want to take 'em! 222 00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:32,792 Who else would want to do that, 223 00:11:32,792 --> 00:11:34,333 except people that are barely containing 224 00:11:34,333 --> 00:11:37,167 that they want to fuck every kid in the face? 225 00:11:37,167 --> 00:11:39,042 That's why they're good at it. 226 00:11:39,042 --> 00:11:41,208 That's what makes them good at it. 227 00:11:41,208 --> 00:11:45,208 I'm not saying that all Scoutmasters are pedophiles. 228 00:11:45,208 --> 00:11:47,625 I might be saying that the best ones are. 229 00:11:47,625 --> 00:11:49,667 I might be saying that. 230 00:11:49,667 --> 00:11:53,167 That sounds right. 231 00:11:53,167 --> 00:11:55,583 So I don't know -- you have to lose the whole thing? 232 00:11:55,583 --> 00:11:57,625 Just tell your kids, "Some of those guys want to fuck you, 233 00:11:57,625 --> 00:12:00,375 just be careful, have a good time." 234 00:12:02,375 --> 00:12:05,875 Take the contribution from where it comes. 235 00:12:05,875 --> 00:12:07,792 Michael Jackson -- wonderful music, 236 00:12:07,792 --> 00:12:09,583 blessed us with wonderful music -- 237 00:12:09,583 --> 00:12:12,667 did some other things, too. 238 00:12:12,667 --> 00:12:14,042 What -- look, what's worse: 239 00:12:14,042 --> 00:12:16,083 a pedophile who makes beautiful music, 240 00:12:16,083 --> 00:12:19,250 or one that doesn't? 241 00:12:19,250 --> 00:12:21,750 This is the choices. 242 00:12:23,833 --> 00:12:26,667 "No pedophiles" is not on the menu. 243 00:12:35,917 --> 00:12:38,708 So how've you all been enjoying living the way 244 00:12:38,708 --> 00:12:41,667 I already was for a couple of years before all this shit? 245 00:12:41,667 --> 00:12:46,000 [ Laughter and applause ] 246 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:48,792 Welcome to my life. 247 00:12:48,792 --> 00:12:52,333 Can't work, can't go outside, 248 00:12:52,333 --> 00:12:53,917 can't show your face, 249 00:12:53,917 --> 00:12:56,125 gotta wash your groceries. 250 00:12:56,125 --> 00:12:58,542 [ Laughter ] 251 00:13:01,875 --> 00:13:04,042 'Cause I got cum on the groceries. 252 00:13:04,042 --> 00:13:06,583 That's why I just -- in my mind, that's what it means. 253 00:13:06,583 --> 00:13:08,750 Maybe that's not what you're thinking, but... 254 00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:13,458 I have a solution for the pandemic, by the way, 255 00:13:13,458 --> 00:13:14,750 for COVID, I have it. 256 00:13:14,750 --> 00:13:16,583 This is it: We test everybody, 257 00:13:16,583 --> 00:13:19,583 first of all, and every time we find somebody who has COVID, 258 00:13:19,583 --> 00:13:20,833 you kill them. 259 00:13:20,833 --> 00:13:22,583 That's it. That's the solution. 260 00:13:22,583 --> 00:13:24,083 You won't need another one after that one. 261 00:13:24,083 --> 00:13:25,750 That's the final one. 262 00:13:31,042 --> 00:13:34,042 It's been pretty amazing to be alive during this thing, 263 00:13:34,042 --> 00:13:37,042 during COVID, because you're not going to see this again, 264 00:13:37,042 --> 00:13:39,042 and, wow, did we learn some shit. 265 00:13:39,042 --> 00:13:41,167 That's really -- the things that teach you in life 266 00:13:41,167 --> 00:13:44,083 are things you never would have chosen to do for yourself. 267 00:13:44,083 --> 00:13:47,292 I mean, think about your life as far as it's been, 268 00:13:47,292 --> 00:13:48,917 where you had the choices, where you're like, 269 00:13:48,917 --> 00:13:51,292 "I'm going to do this, I'm going to pursue this." 270 00:13:51,292 --> 00:13:53,042 It all goes to shit, every bit of it. 271 00:13:53,042 --> 00:13:54,708 And even when it goes right, you're like, 272 00:13:54,708 --> 00:13:57,667 "Why don't I like it? It's what I wanted. 273 00:13:57,667 --> 00:14:01,167 But why don't I like it?!" 274 00:14:01,167 --> 00:14:04,500 Because it's your choice and your choices are based on fear 275 00:14:04,500 --> 00:14:08,667 and fucking just thin, stupid, shitty hopes. 276 00:14:08,667 --> 00:14:11,500 But when life just kicks you in the balls and you're like, 277 00:14:11,500 --> 00:14:13,500 "Oh, fuck, everything's different now," 278 00:14:13,500 --> 00:14:15,417 and you... 279 00:14:15,417 --> 00:14:17,708 It shows you shit you wouldn't have looked at otherwise. 280 00:14:17,708 --> 00:14:19,458 That's the great joy in it. 281 00:14:19,458 --> 00:14:21,500 And what I thought was really interesting 282 00:14:21,500 --> 00:14:24,250 about COVID, and still is, 283 00:14:24,250 --> 00:14:26,500 is that it's the first thing I've seen 284 00:14:26,500 --> 00:14:29,000 where everyone on Earth had the same problem. 285 00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:32,833 Every human being on Earth had the same problem, 286 00:14:32,833 --> 00:14:34,458 and we never had that before. 287 00:14:34,458 --> 00:14:36,333 That's why we don't give a shit about each other, 288 00:14:36,333 --> 00:14:38,583 because you read, like, "Oh, there's floods in Houston," 289 00:14:38,583 --> 00:14:40,000 you're like, "It's fucking water! 290 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,333 What is it? What's your problem? Floods... 291 00:14:42,333 --> 00:14:43,833 What does that? Just walk like this. 292 00:14:43,833 --> 00:14:46,667 What's -- what, you can't handle some water? 293 00:14:46,667 --> 00:14:48,333 My basement floods -- what the fuck? 294 00:14:48,333 --> 00:14:50,042 Who gives a shit? 295 00:14:50,042 --> 00:14:51,625 Like, he's on a canoe in the street -- 296 00:14:51,625 --> 00:14:53,958 that looks like fun. Why is that an issue?" 297 00:14:56,542 --> 00:14:58,625 There's fires in California. What -- 298 00:14:58,625 --> 00:15:00,083 [ Blows ] Blow it out. 299 00:15:00,083 --> 00:15:02,667 What, you can't fucking blow out a fire? 300 00:15:02,667 --> 00:15:05,667 Get the water from Houston and dump it on California. 301 00:15:05,667 --> 00:15:07,542 Fuckin' deal with it. 302 00:15:10,208 --> 00:15:12,000 But we all had the same problem, 303 00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:19,042 every person from Zimbabwe to Tokyo to Newark to Honolulu, 304 00:15:19,042 --> 00:15:20,917 everybody was doing the same dumb shit. 305 00:15:20,917 --> 00:15:24,583 Every person had the same stupid fucking moment 306 00:15:24,583 --> 00:15:28,125 at the same -- just trying to get the mask out of the well 307 00:15:28,125 --> 00:15:31,042 of your car door, trying to... 308 00:15:31,042 --> 00:15:33,417 "I got to go in Walgreen's, where's my fucking mask?" 309 00:15:33,417 --> 00:15:35,125 You try to... 310 00:15:35,125 --> 00:15:39,458 It's got pistachio shells in it and pennies. 311 00:15:43,208 --> 00:15:46,333 Shake it -- "I'm sure it's still effective." 312 00:15:51,250 --> 00:15:52,958 I actually like the masks, 'cause it just -- 313 00:15:52,958 --> 00:15:55,208 everybody looked nice. 314 00:15:55,208 --> 00:15:58,000 Everybody did, 'cause it's just their eyes. 315 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,167 Eyes are nice. 316 00:16:00,167 --> 00:16:02,542 You never hear somebody say, "That guy's got gross eyes." 317 00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:07,125 It's really -- we should hide these, we should keep the masks, 318 00:16:07,125 --> 00:16:09,458 because this is disgusting, how do we just -- 319 00:16:09,458 --> 00:16:11,958 with no shame, "Look inside my face! 320 00:16:11,958 --> 00:16:14,417 Ha-ha-ha!" 321 00:16:14,417 --> 00:16:16,458 Spit and tongue and teeth? 322 00:16:16,458 --> 00:16:18,833 It's fucking gross! Cover your mouth! 323 00:16:18,833 --> 00:16:20,667 Don't -- 324 00:16:20,667 --> 00:16:22,083 I'd rather look at your asshole than your mouth. 325 00:16:22,083 --> 00:16:23,708 I really would, 326 00:16:23,708 --> 00:16:26,500 I'd rather stare into your asshole 327 00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:28,458 than glance at your mouth. 328 00:16:30,542 --> 00:16:33,667 Assholes aren't that bad, not to look at. 329 00:16:33,667 --> 00:16:35,458 We don't like to think about assholes, 'cause, like, 330 00:16:35,458 --> 00:16:38,875 you know, the shit and the farts and the diarrhea. 331 00:16:38,875 --> 00:16:41,417 But that's a small portion of their time. 332 00:16:45,917 --> 00:16:47,333 You ever really look at an ass-- 333 00:16:47,333 --> 00:16:48,708 you ever really look? 334 00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:51,250 [ Laughter ] 335 00:16:51,250 --> 00:16:53,167 [ Blowing ] 336 00:16:57,042 --> 00:16:59,000 Mmm. 337 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:00,875 Once you see it, like in nature, 338 00:17:00,875 --> 00:17:02,833 it's just -- it's a little -- 339 00:17:02,833 --> 00:17:05,500 [ Squeaks ] That's all. 340 00:17:05,500 --> 00:17:07,375 That's your asshole. 341 00:17:07,375 --> 00:17:08,833 It's like -- you know what it is? 342 00:17:08,833 --> 00:17:10,750 It's just an aperture, that's all it is. 343 00:17:10,750 --> 00:17:12,333 That's your asshole. 344 00:17:12,333 --> 00:17:15,458 It's like a camera shutter, that's all it is. 345 00:17:15,458 --> 00:17:17,792 It's like the opening to the James Bond movies, 346 00:17:17,792 --> 00:17:19,208 That's what your asshole's -- 347 00:17:19,208 --> 00:17:22,958 [ Imitating James Bond theme ] 348 00:17:22,958 --> 00:17:26,625 [ Laughter ] 349 00:17:26,625 --> 00:17:28,125 [ Imitates gunshot, flatulence ] 350 00:17:32,208 --> 00:17:33,833 You ever go to lick somebody's asshole 351 00:17:33,833 --> 00:17:36,042 and there's a little guy with a gun in there? 352 00:17:36,042 --> 00:17:38,958 [ Laughter ] 353 00:17:41,375 --> 00:17:42,750 It was bad. 354 00:17:46,250 --> 00:17:48,250 But it really was an interesting social experiment, 355 00:17:48,250 --> 00:17:50,042 COVID, because everybody got told the same thing -- 356 00:17:50,042 --> 00:17:51,958 the whole world got told the same thing. 357 00:17:51,958 --> 00:17:55,667 If you go out unnecessarily, millions will die. 358 00:17:57,875 --> 00:17:59,500 And a lot of us said, 359 00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:00,833 "Oh, I'm going out." 360 00:18:00,833 --> 00:18:03,708 [ Laughter ] "Yeah... 361 00:18:03,708 --> 00:18:05,958 I'm going now and a lot." 362 00:18:08,417 --> 00:18:10,583 Yeah, and millions died. 363 00:18:14,083 --> 00:18:17,833 Just, we're not that different from the turtles 364 00:18:17,833 --> 00:18:21,167 that you're trying to get them not to cross the fucking highway 365 00:18:21,167 --> 00:18:22,958 and they're like this, "Where I fuck, 366 00:18:22,958 --> 00:18:24,583 I fucked over there, fuck you." 367 00:18:24,583 --> 00:18:26,708 And we're like, "Please stop!" 368 00:18:26,708 --> 00:18:28,458 Putting little signs up -- "Don't go!" 369 00:18:28,458 --> 00:18:30,208 And he's, "Fuck you. I'm a turtle --" 370 00:18:30,208 --> 00:18:31,625 [ Imitates splatting ] It doesn't -- 371 00:18:31,625 --> 00:18:33,292 We're not that different. 372 00:18:33,292 --> 00:18:36,500 We're just a fuckin' species, 373 00:18:36,500 --> 00:18:38,250 and we're just rolling along. 374 00:18:38,250 --> 00:18:41,542 Yeah, many dying old ladies died. 375 00:18:41,542 --> 00:18:43,208 That's what happened. 376 00:18:43,208 --> 00:18:47,250 Many dying old ladies finished dying. 377 00:18:47,250 --> 00:18:48,917 [ Laughter ] 378 00:18:53,792 --> 00:18:55,750 Here's the way you got to look at it, okay? 379 00:18:55,750 --> 00:18:57,875 We're still making more. 380 00:18:57,875 --> 00:18:59,875 We're making new old ladies. every day. 381 00:18:59,875 --> 00:19:03,542 There's a fresh batch coming, they're going to be great. 382 00:19:06,958 --> 00:19:08,792 I was having sex with a woman once, 383 00:19:08,792 --> 00:19:11,583 and she was so beautiful, I was having trouble not cumming, 384 00:19:11,583 --> 00:19:15,458 so I pictured her face at 80 years old, 385 00:19:15,458 --> 00:19:17,208 and then I came immediately. 386 00:19:17,208 --> 00:19:21,625 [ Laughter ] 387 00:19:21,625 --> 00:19:23,708 Because she was 92. 388 00:19:23,708 --> 00:19:26,125 [ Laughter ] 389 00:19:26,125 --> 00:19:27,792 Anyway. 390 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:33,792 One thing I found very interesting 391 00:19:33,792 --> 00:19:35,417 was that during the pandemic, 392 00:19:35,417 --> 00:19:37,833 a lot of people really liked counting the dead people. 393 00:19:37,833 --> 00:19:41,208 That got very popular, was counting the amount 394 00:19:41,208 --> 00:19:42,792 of the dead and dying. 395 00:19:42,792 --> 00:19:44,500 "Do you know how many people... 396 00:19:44,500 --> 00:19:48,958 Just today! Just today! 397 00:19:48,958 --> 00:19:55,000 Do you know how many people died of COVID-19?!" 398 00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,667 Just today!" 399 00:19:59,500 --> 00:20:01,208 When -- why -- wh-- 400 00:20:01,208 --> 00:20:03,292 Keeping a daily tally? 401 00:20:03,292 --> 00:20:05,958 We don't do this -- a lot of shit going on 402 00:20:05,958 --> 00:20:08,917 that we don't keep a daily tally of how many... 403 00:20:08,917 --> 00:20:12,125 babies were dropped in a bucket of paint. 404 00:20:14,125 --> 00:20:16,125 And I looked that up! I'm not kidding you. 405 00:20:16,125 --> 00:20:18,125 It's 30 a day, it's a real problem. 406 00:20:18,125 --> 00:20:19,417 I'm serious! 407 00:20:19,417 --> 00:20:23,083 A steady 30 babies a day 408 00:20:23,083 --> 00:20:26,833 are dropped in buckets of paint. 409 00:20:26,833 --> 00:20:30,292 It's not random, it's one guy that won't stop doing it. 410 00:20:30,292 --> 00:20:31,833 [ Laughter ] 411 00:20:36,333 --> 00:20:39,333 Yeah, we liked counting them, we liked counting the dead. 412 00:20:39,333 --> 00:20:41,083 And when it got really high, we didn't know 413 00:20:41,083 --> 00:20:43,000 how to count them anymore, people trying to find 414 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:45,708 different ways to express the number or take it in. 415 00:20:45,708 --> 00:20:47,333 Remember January? 416 00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:49,417 It was really b-- it was 3,000 people every day 417 00:20:49,417 --> 00:20:50,958 were dying of COVID, 418 00:20:50,958 --> 00:20:52,000 so people started saying this -- 419 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:54,333 "This is 9-11 every day." 420 00:21:01,208 --> 00:21:06,917 "This is literally 9-11 every day." 421 00:21:06,917 --> 00:21:09,958 When did we start measuring deaths in "9-11s"? 422 00:21:09,958 --> 00:21:12,875 When did that become the new, 423 00:21:12,875 --> 00:21:17,083 "how many football fields long is it," 424 00:21:17,083 --> 00:21:18,333 for mass death? 425 00:21:18,333 --> 00:21:20,250 "How many 9-11s was World War II? 426 00:21:20,250 --> 00:21:23,125 Can we look it up?" 427 00:21:23,125 --> 00:21:26,375 I know the Holocaust was 2,000 9-11s. 428 00:21:28,417 --> 00:21:31,083 9-11 wasn't that bad, it was just one. 429 00:21:31,083 --> 00:21:34,292 [ Laughter and applause ] 430 00:21:34,292 --> 00:21:39,208 Only one 9-11 of people died on 9-11. 431 00:21:39,208 --> 00:21:41,333 That's like nobody died that day. 432 00:21:46,792 --> 00:21:49,458 See, it's all relative, because then you have those -- 433 00:21:49,458 --> 00:21:51,583 later -- remember, January was really bad, 434 00:21:51,583 --> 00:21:53,542 January was the worst, and then in April, 435 00:21:53,542 --> 00:21:55,833 March/April, we all felt better, everybody's like, 436 00:21:55,833 --> 00:21:58,750 "Oh, it's way better now, it's way better, 437 00:21:58,750 --> 00:22:00,625 way better than January" -- I looked it up, 438 00:22:00,625 --> 00:22:03,542 it was 1,500 people a day... 439 00:22:03,542 --> 00:22:05,333 and everybody's like, "It's way better than January." 440 00:22:05,333 --> 00:22:09,833 Really?! It's half a 9-11 every single day. 441 00:22:09,833 --> 00:22:11,625 But that's way better. That would be like 442 00:22:11,625 --> 00:22:14,208 if on 9-11, after the first tower went down, you're like, 443 00:22:14,208 --> 00:22:16,000 "Eh, that's not that bad... 444 00:22:20,917 --> 00:22:23,125 It's just one. 445 00:22:23,125 --> 00:22:25,833 Still got the other one, that's why they made two." 446 00:22:31,583 --> 00:22:33,417 It's okay, it's all right to... 447 00:22:33,417 --> 00:22:36,167 make fun of 9-11, it was a hoax. 448 00:22:36,167 --> 00:22:38,333 Uh -- [ Laughter ] 449 00:22:41,375 --> 00:22:43,042 All right. 450 00:22:46,542 --> 00:22:48,042 Sorry. Anyway... 451 00:22:48,042 --> 00:22:50,875 [ Laughter and applause ] 452 00:22:50,875 --> 00:22:53,333 [ Cheering and applause ] 453 00:22:57,417 --> 00:22:59,458 I thought I had COVID about three times, 454 00:22:59,458 --> 00:23:00,875 I'm one of those idiots, I was like, 455 00:23:00,875 --> 00:23:03,167 "I think I have it. 456 00:23:03,167 --> 00:23:05,750 Can you feel?" 457 00:23:05,750 --> 00:23:07,208 I'm bad with pain too, 458 00:23:07,208 --> 00:23:09,542 like, the other day I hit my elbow 459 00:23:09,542 --> 00:23:12,125 right on that spot where if I had a gun, 460 00:23:12,125 --> 00:23:13,875 I'd be dead now, you know, that s-- 461 00:23:13,875 --> 00:23:15,333 I can't do pain. 462 00:23:15,333 --> 00:23:17,125 That's why I could never be a cop. 463 00:23:17,125 --> 00:23:19,625 I couldn't walk around with a gun right here. 464 00:23:19,625 --> 00:23:21,208 There's 50 things a day where I'd be like, 465 00:23:21,208 --> 00:23:23,333 "Fuck that, that ain't worth..." 466 00:23:28,500 --> 00:23:30,208 That's my main problem, by the way, 467 00:23:30,208 --> 00:23:33,208 with the whole "defund the police" idea: 468 00:23:33,208 --> 00:23:35,708 What about people who want to commit suicide by cop? 469 00:23:35,708 --> 00:23:37,417 What about them? 470 00:23:40,792 --> 00:23:42,917 Anyway, we'll put a pin in that, but... 471 00:23:45,542 --> 00:23:47,250 We had a lot of protests in New York, 472 00:23:47,250 --> 00:23:51,125 and now we have protesters that just live here. 473 00:23:51,125 --> 00:23:54,458 They're not at a protest, they're just here. 474 00:23:54,458 --> 00:23:56,958 I saw a protester in Washington Square Park. 475 00:23:56,958 --> 00:23:59,292 She had green hair and dirty legs. 476 00:24:01,375 --> 00:24:03,708 And she's holding a little piece of cardboard, 477 00:24:03,708 --> 00:24:05,292 and it's -- with a Sharpie -- 478 00:24:05,292 --> 00:24:09,583 it said "Abolish billionaires." 479 00:24:09,583 --> 00:24:11,375 She's standing there. 480 00:24:14,833 --> 00:24:17,042 And I thought, "I don't think that's going to do it. 481 00:24:17,042 --> 00:24:18,542 I don't --" 482 00:24:18,542 --> 00:24:22,500 It doesn't feel like that's going to result... 483 00:24:22,500 --> 00:24:25,542 in Jeff Bezos going, 'What's happening to me?'" 484 00:24:25,542 --> 00:24:28,333 [ Laughter ] 485 00:24:28,333 --> 00:24:31,292 Sadly, it's going to be okay for him. 486 00:24:32,958 --> 00:24:35,000 I think that -- I thought it was good how p--- 487 00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:37,792 how young people got out there and they expressed themselves, 488 00:24:37,792 --> 00:24:40,375 they went out there to solve a lot of problems. 489 00:24:40,375 --> 00:24:42,625 Not all the problems, but some of them. 490 00:24:42,625 --> 00:24:45,917 They went out there to stop discrimination. 491 00:24:45,917 --> 00:24:47,625 Uh, not all discrimination. 492 00:24:47,625 --> 00:24:50,500 Just some of it, which is a weird form of discrimination. 493 00:24:50,500 --> 00:24:53,708 But there are groups... 494 00:24:53,708 --> 00:24:55,875 There are groups that are discriminated against, 495 00:24:55,875 --> 00:24:57,583 the -- who don't have any protesters 496 00:24:57,583 --> 00:24:59,667 or any people working for them. 497 00:24:59,667 --> 00:25:02,000 And we all discriminate against these people, like ugly people. 498 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:04,125 Everybody discriminates against ugly people. 499 00:25:04,125 --> 00:25:06,167 They do, and it's awful -- I mean, I'd rather be 500 00:25:06,167 --> 00:25:10,000 discriminated against for my race than for being ugly 501 00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:12,167 because you might not lose a job or a promotion, 502 00:25:12,167 --> 00:25:13,708 but nobody kisses you on the lips, 503 00:25:13,708 --> 00:25:16,333 like, your whole fucking life, like, try that. 504 00:25:16,333 --> 00:25:17,875 This is what we say to ugly people -- 505 00:25:17,875 --> 00:25:19,708 "We don't like your face. 506 00:25:19,708 --> 00:25:22,125 Just don't like it. 507 00:25:22,125 --> 00:25:23,750 So no one's going to fall in love with you, 508 00:25:23,750 --> 00:25:26,542 and it's unanimous -- sorry." 509 00:25:26,542 --> 00:25:28,333 And we just expect ugly people to be like, 510 00:25:28,333 --> 00:25:32,333 "Oh, no, I understand. I mean, sure, my head shape 511 00:25:32,333 --> 00:25:35,333 is no good for you, so I'll -- I'll with -- 512 00:25:35,333 --> 00:25:38,250 I'll go without the things that matter in life." 513 00:25:38,250 --> 00:25:40,333 [ Laughter ] 514 00:25:40,333 --> 00:25:42,875 Also, overweight people -- overweight people deal with 515 00:25:42,875 --> 00:25:44,625 things that none of us deal with -- 516 00:25:44,625 --> 00:25:46,708 because I'm not overweight. 517 00:25:46,708 --> 00:25:48,792 There's people -- [ Laughter ] 518 00:25:48,792 --> 00:25:51,625 who are discriminated against because of their weight. 519 00:25:51,625 --> 00:25:55,583 I read a story once about a woman who was 600 pounds 520 00:25:55,583 --> 00:25:57,667 and she couldn't get medical care, 521 00:25:57,667 --> 00:25:59,250 because everything -- she goes to the doctor, 522 00:25:59,250 --> 00:26:01,708 he just says it's because she's fat -- everything. 523 00:26:01,708 --> 00:26:03,083 She's like, "My knees hurt," he's like, 524 00:26:03,083 --> 00:26:04,625 "Yeah, my knees hurt just looking at you, 525 00:26:04,625 --> 00:26:07,458 what'd you think was going to happen?" 526 00:26:07,458 --> 00:26:09,083 She's like, "I have chest pains," 527 00:26:09,083 --> 00:26:11,250 he says, "Yeah, 'cause your organs are over capacity, 528 00:26:11,250 --> 00:26:13,875 so they are hurting." 529 00:26:13,875 --> 00:26:15,333 She's like, "I got shot in the head," 530 00:26:15,333 --> 00:26:16,917 he's like, "Yeah, because you're fucking fat, 531 00:26:16,917 --> 00:26:19,167 somebody shot you in the fucking head 'cause you're fat." 532 00:26:21,083 --> 00:26:23,167 It's a terrible story. 533 00:26:23,167 --> 00:26:24,417 Here's the worst part of the story, 534 00:26:24,417 --> 00:26:26,333 and this is true, this is true: 535 00:26:26,333 --> 00:26:29,750 she needed an MRI because she had something serious; 536 00:26:29,750 --> 00:26:32,500 she's 600 pounds, she doesn't fit in the machine. 537 00:26:32,500 --> 00:26:34,000 Do you know what they did? 538 00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:36,250 They sent her to the zoo. 539 00:26:36,250 --> 00:26:39,292 I'm not kidding, they sent her to the fuckin' zoo! 540 00:26:41,708 --> 00:26:45,250 That's what we do for fat people... 541 00:26:45,250 --> 00:26:47,542 who need an MRI! 542 00:26:49,375 --> 00:26:53,083 "Hey, here's your prescription -- go to the zoo. 543 00:26:54,667 --> 00:26:57,083 Yeah, that's where you should go. 544 00:26:57,083 --> 00:26:59,583 You should go to the zoo." 545 00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:03,583 By the way, you know how many fat people 546 00:27:03,583 --> 00:27:05,167 we have in this country? 547 00:27:05,167 --> 00:27:09,625 About 600 trillion-billion- thousands of 'em! 548 00:27:09,625 --> 00:27:11,250 You know how many trans people there are? 549 00:27:11,250 --> 00:27:14,083 About 38. 550 00:27:14,083 --> 00:27:17,208 But if you're trans and you need a restroom and it's awkward, 551 00:27:17,208 --> 00:27:18,833 we'll change every restroom! 552 00:27:18,833 --> 00:27:21,125 But if you're fat and you need an MRI, 553 00:27:21,125 --> 00:27:24,917 you go to the zoo, you fat bitch. 554 00:27:24,917 --> 00:27:27,500 Just go to the zoo. 555 00:27:29,500 --> 00:27:32,542 You go experience that today. 556 00:27:36,167 --> 00:27:40,583 What happens when she gets to the zoo? 557 00:27:40,583 --> 00:27:43,792 What actually fucking happens 558 00:27:43,792 --> 00:27:48,500 when she arrives at the zoo?! 559 00:27:48,500 --> 00:27:50,250 "Hi... 560 00:27:50,250 --> 00:27:51,917 Are you here to see the monkeys?" 561 00:27:51,917 --> 00:27:54,125 "No, I'm here for an MRI." 562 00:27:56,375 --> 00:27:59,167 "Oh, shit. All right. Yeah. 563 00:27:59,167 --> 00:28:03,167 Uh-Huh. Okay, just stand in the straw over here. 564 00:28:04,958 --> 00:28:09,125 Yeah, you're after the walrus who has lymphoma." 565 00:28:09,125 --> 00:28:12,625 [ Laughter ] 566 00:28:15,417 --> 00:28:20,500 By the way, why is there an MRI machine at the fuckin' zoo?! 567 00:28:20,500 --> 00:28:22,125 Who was it developing that 568 00:28:22,125 --> 00:28:24,333 instead of a fat-human-being MRI? 569 00:28:24,333 --> 00:28:26,875 Who's paying for this shit? 570 00:28:26,875 --> 00:28:28,750 You don't give an elephant 571 00:28:28,750 --> 00:28:32,500 a fucking magnetic resonance image test! 572 00:28:32,500 --> 00:28:34,167 Are you fuckin' high? 573 00:28:34,167 --> 00:28:36,292 That's obscene! 574 00:28:36,292 --> 00:28:38,375 If an elephant is sick, you just listen. 575 00:28:38,375 --> 00:28:40,250 You do this thing. 576 00:28:45,833 --> 00:28:48,083 "Me-sa thinks she gonna die today." 577 00:28:50,625 --> 00:28:53,042 I'm saying this out of respect for elephants, by the way, 578 00:28:53,042 --> 00:28:55,292 because we're supposed to respect how they live. 579 00:28:55,292 --> 00:28:57,958 They don't fucking cure their diseases. 580 00:28:57,958 --> 00:29:00,208 This is not their culture, this is our weird -- 581 00:29:00,208 --> 00:29:02,625 "Let's fix it! Oh, he's sick!" 582 00:29:02,625 --> 00:29:04,667 That's not how elephants live! 583 00:29:04,667 --> 00:29:06,667 An elephant in the Serengeti isn't like, 584 00:29:06,667 --> 00:29:10,208 "I have a lump, I have to see my oncologist." 585 00:29:13,875 --> 00:29:15,917 When an elephant gets cancer, he falls over 586 00:29:15,917 --> 00:29:19,542 and takes his fuckin' turn and becomes food. 587 00:29:19,542 --> 00:29:22,375 You don't put an elephant in a state-of-the-art -- 588 00:29:22,375 --> 00:29:25,875 [ Imitates beeping ] 589 00:29:25,875 --> 00:29:27,542 What if you find cancer? 590 00:29:27,542 --> 00:29:30,583 What, are you going to give them chemotherapy? 591 00:29:30,583 --> 00:29:33,667 Think a skinny elephant with a pink baseball hat. 592 00:29:33,667 --> 00:29:38,042 [ Laughter and applause ] 593 00:29:38,042 --> 00:29:40,958 [ Labored breathing ] 594 00:29:45,083 --> 00:29:47,208 "Each day is a gift." 595 00:29:47,208 --> 00:29:48,875 [ Laughter ] 596 00:29:57,125 --> 00:29:59,667 I love animals, I do... I do. 597 00:29:59,667 --> 00:30:02,708 We have a weird relationship to animals -- 598 00:30:02,708 --> 00:30:05,333 we name them and we play with them, 599 00:30:05,333 --> 00:30:07,250 and we kill them and we eat them, 600 00:30:07,250 --> 00:30:09,708 and we stuff them. 601 00:30:09,708 --> 00:30:11,375 And we draw them. 602 00:30:11,375 --> 00:30:13,167 I have a dog -- I love my dog, 603 00:30:13,167 --> 00:30:14,792 but I don't know my dog. 604 00:30:14,792 --> 00:30:17,625 We've never had a conversation, not one time. 605 00:30:17,625 --> 00:30:21,167 I talk and she just hears -- [ Gibberish ] 606 00:30:21,167 --> 00:30:24,458 [ Gibberish ] 607 00:30:34,500 --> 00:30:36,375 She looks at me, I'm like, "Yes!" 608 00:30:36,375 --> 00:30:37,875 She's like, "What, you don't know what the fuck I'm think -- 609 00:30:37,875 --> 00:30:39,958 fuck you" -- I don't know this bitch, 610 00:30:39,958 --> 00:30:41,333 I have no idea what she's thinking. 611 00:30:41,333 --> 00:30:42,875 I really wish I did, I wish I knew 612 00:30:42,875 --> 00:30:44,833 what she was thinking, it's my biggest wish, 613 00:30:44,833 --> 00:30:48,750 maybe, in life, is that I knew, 'cause I know she has thoughts. 614 00:30:48,750 --> 00:30:50,125 I know she does. 615 00:30:50,125 --> 00:30:53,583 There's no way she's just like, "Dog." 616 00:30:53,583 --> 00:30:58,167 There's stuff going on in here. I've seen it. 617 00:30:58,167 --> 00:31:00,875 You ever watch your dog make a decision? 618 00:31:03,083 --> 00:31:05,458 You ever d-- watch your dog just walk in the room 619 00:31:05,458 --> 00:31:07,958 and then look around, like... 620 00:31:14,417 --> 00:31:16,333 "I'm going to go over here." 621 00:31:16,333 --> 00:31:18,708 Why?! 622 00:31:18,708 --> 00:31:20,542 Please tell me why! 623 00:31:24,625 --> 00:31:27,708 I think my dog thinks I'm insane 624 00:31:27,708 --> 00:31:30,250 because I look at my life through her -- through her eyes, 625 00:31:30,250 --> 00:31:32,875 like, I'll watch TV for four hours, 626 00:31:32,875 --> 00:31:35,792 and from my dog's point of view, I'm just sitting there. 627 00:31:42,208 --> 00:31:45,917 [ Sustained laughter, scattered applause ] 628 00:31:50,792 --> 00:31:53,958 [ Exaggerated laughing ] 629 00:31:53,958 --> 00:31:56,458 "What -- the fuck is he laughing, what happened?" 630 00:32:01,042 --> 00:32:03,708 My dog is my life now because my kids are grown up, 631 00:32:03,708 --> 00:32:05,875 my kids are in college and they're all, you know -- 632 00:32:05,875 --> 00:32:08,125 I'm an empty nester. 633 00:32:08,125 --> 00:32:10,167 That's what you call it when your kids are gone -- 634 00:32:10,167 --> 00:32:12,625 'cause they grow up, not if they're dead. 635 00:32:14,833 --> 00:32:17,083 It's not used that way. 636 00:32:17,083 --> 00:32:19,250 "My daughter died of leukemia." 637 00:32:19,250 --> 00:32:21,000 "Hey, you're an empty nester!" 638 00:32:21,000 --> 00:32:22,542 [ Laughter ] 639 00:32:28,375 --> 00:32:30,292 I miss it, I miss having little kids. 640 00:32:30,292 --> 00:32:32,167 I think about it all the time, I think about it -- 641 00:32:32,167 --> 00:32:33,750 maybe adopting, you know, 642 00:32:33,750 --> 00:32:35,958 I could adopt a baby from a Third World country. 643 00:32:35,958 --> 00:32:37,542 That's a good thing to do because you can just 644 00:32:37,542 --> 00:32:39,583 leave 'em outside, you don't have to... 645 00:32:39,583 --> 00:32:41,458 [ Laughter ] 646 00:32:45,125 --> 00:32:47,417 You know, it's interesting -- we've been adopting babies 647 00:32:47,417 --> 00:32:49,750 from other countries in America for a long time. 648 00:32:49,750 --> 00:32:51,292 You know, other countries do it too, but I live here, 649 00:32:51,292 --> 00:32:52,833 so I'll talk about that, but... 650 00:32:52,833 --> 00:32:54,542 It's an interesting thing. 651 00:32:54,542 --> 00:32:56,125 It's not a biological imperative 652 00:32:56,125 --> 00:32:58,458 to go get a baby from thousands of miles away, 653 00:32:58,458 --> 00:33:00,583 but we've been doing that in large numbers here 654 00:33:00,583 --> 00:33:01,917 for a long time, 655 00:33:01,917 --> 00:33:03,875 and not always for the same reasons. 656 00:33:03,875 --> 00:33:05,875 There's been different reasons why we've done it. 657 00:33:05,875 --> 00:33:07,875 In the early, like, in the '70s, when I grew up, 658 00:33:07,875 --> 00:33:09,667 sometimes you'd meet a couple 659 00:33:09,667 --> 00:33:12,042 who had an African baby that they brought 660 00:33:12,042 --> 00:33:14,667 because there are those kind of, you know, 661 00:33:14,667 --> 00:33:16,583 these kinds of people, you know, 662 00:33:16,583 --> 00:33:18,208 the kind of couples that hold hands 663 00:33:18,208 --> 00:33:20,417 when they announce things. 664 00:33:20,417 --> 00:33:22,250 You know those kind of people? 665 00:33:22,250 --> 00:33:25,042 They gather their friends and they're like, 666 00:33:25,042 --> 00:33:29,125 "We've decided" -- you know those...? 667 00:33:29,125 --> 00:33:33,500 They have a farm table with a clay pot of honey on it. 668 00:33:35,250 --> 00:33:37,083 And their apple juice is cloudy. 669 00:33:37,083 --> 00:33:39,833 You know what I'm talking about? 670 00:33:39,833 --> 00:33:43,875 Those are the kind of people that make a trip to Zimbabwe 671 00:33:43,875 --> 00:33:46,500 and get a baby and name him Kevin 672 00:33:46,500 --> 00:33:48,750 and send him to Boston College, whatever. 673 00:33:51,167 --> 00:33:52,917 That was like the '70s and '80s; 674 00:33:52,917 --> 00:33:55,792 then in the '90s, it became very popular with gay couples, 675 00:33:55,792 --> 00:33:57,792 started to adopt babies from China 676 00:33:57,792 --> 00:33:59,167 because they want to have a baby, 677 00:33:59,167 --> 00:34:00,917 but they can't -- they both have dicks. 678 00:34:00,917 --> 00:34:03,875 I don't know if you know that. Did you know that? 679 00:34:03,875 --> 00:34:06,750 Gay couples have two dicks, 680 00:34:06,750 --> 00:34:08,375 so they can't make a baby. 681 00:34:08,375 --> 00:34:10,208 You can try. You can... 682 00:34:12,208 --> 00:34:13,833 This is really fuckin'... 683 00:34:13,833 --> 00:34:15,625 You could -- [ Laughs ] 684 00:34:15,625 --> 00:34:18,500 You could try to cum into one dick with the other, 685 00:34:18,500 --> 00:34:22,000 like, if you line up to dick holes 686 00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:25,083 and you could cum, and the sperm goes up this dick 687 00:34:25,083 --> 00:34:28,042 and down that one. 688 00:34:28,042 --> 00:34:30,042 And then this sperm gets to the balls 689 00:34:30,042 --> 00:34:32,167 and he -- and they're like, "What the fuck? Where...?" 690 00:34:34,333 --> 00:34:37,417 "Did we turn around? 'Cause we're in the balls again. 691 00:34:41,875 --> 00:34:44,708 Whose balls are these?! These aren't even his balls! 692 00:34:48,250 --> 00:34:53,083 Oh, he's gay. Fuck. All right. Okay, all right. 693 00:34:53,083 --> 00:34:55,500 Well, just swim around until we're dead." 694 00:34:58,208 --> 00:35:00,208 It's just the way it is, you're not going to -- 695 00:35:00,208 --> 00:35:03,583 A baby will never come out of a penis. 696 00:35:03,583 --> 00:35:05,333 Which is good. It's a good thing. 697 00:35:05,333 --> 00:35:08,042 Because it's hard for women. 698 00:35:08,042 --> 00:35:13,583 Imagine pushing a whole baby out of your penis, dickhole. 699 00:35:13,583 --> 00:35:15,375 Even just the hand. 700 00:35:15,375 --> 00:35:17,000 Yeah. 701 00:35:19,750 --> 00:35:22,625 Anyway, so that's why gay couples adopt. 702 00:35:25,250 --> 00:35:26,500 That's why. 703 00:35:26,500 --> 00:35:30,417 [ Cheering and applause ] 704 00:35:30,417 --> 00:35:32,250 And often from China, 705 00:35:32,250 --> 00:35:34,542 because they make a lot of stuff there. 706 00:35:34,542 --> 00:35:36,583 Uh... 707 00:35:36,583 --> 00:35:39,792 [ Laughter ] 708 00:35:39,792 --> 00:35:41,292 So that was that, that was -- 709 00:35:41,292 --> 00:35:43,167 the gay couples were adopting Chinese babies 710 00:35:43,167 --> 00:35:45,292 because they couldn't have babies, 711 00:35:45,292 --> 00:35:47,708 and then -- and then a lot of other couples 712 00:35:47,708 --> 00:35:51,292 started doing it more around the turn of the century. 713 00:35:51,292 --> 00:35:54,375 I used to live in Hollywood, which is a pretty awful place, 714 00:35:54,375 --> 00:35:56,458 and everybody there gets Chinese babies. 715 00:35:56,458 --> 00:35:57,958 It's very popular. 716 00:35:57,958 --> 00:35:59,458 They go -- because -- and it's not because 717 00:35:59,458 --> 00:36:01,000 they can't have babies, and it's not because 718 00:36:01,000 --> 00:36:02,583 they're trying to help somebody from far away; 719 00:36:02,583 --> 00:36:05,542 it's because they're just busy; they're busy... 720 00:36:05,542 --> 00:36:07,500 They want to have a baby, but they don't want to have a baby. 721 00:36:07,500 --> 00:36:09,208 You know what I mean? That thing where 722 00:36:09,208 --> 00:36:11,042 you can't have your baby and eat it too, 723 00:36:11,042 --> 00:36:13,125 or what -- I don't know how... 724 00:36:13,125 --> 00:36:14,917 They want to get pregnant is the point, 725 00:36:14,917 --> 00:36:17,000 so they go to China -- they don't even go to China, 726 00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:18,333 they go to the airport 727 00:36:18,333 --> 00:36:20,250 and somebody from China meets them, 728 00:36:20,250 --> 00:36:21,792 gives them a baby -- it's true. 729 00:36:21,792 --> 00:36:23,167 They just take it home 730 00:36:23,167 --> 00:36:24,958 and then they get a Jamaican nanny 731 00:36:24,958 --> 00:36:28,000 to watch their Chinese baby, 732 00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:29,500 and they go to cocktail parties. 733 00:36:29,500 --> 00:36:32,667 "We have this Chinese baby, it's amazing." 734 00:36:32,667 --> 00:36:35,250 And meanwhile, the Chinese baby and the Jamaican nanny 735 00:36:35,250 --> 00:36:37,375 are just alone, looking at each other like, 736 00:36:37,375 --> 00:36:41,583 "What are we doing? What is...? What is this? 737 00:36:41,583 --> 00:36:44,917 Why can't either of us see our families? Why...? 738 00:36:46,833 --> 00:36:48,875 What the fuck is the point of this?" 739 00:36:52,375 --> 00:36:54,708 So, yeah, my dog, I got a dog, my kids are, eh, 740 00:36:54,708 --> 00:36:56,583 and I just sit around and watch, uh, 741 00:36:56,583 --> 00:36:59,917 watch YouTube a lot -- that's my favorite...pastime. 742 00:36:59,917 --> 00:37:03,583 Um... 743 00:37:03,583 --> 00:37:04,750 I was watching YouTube today; 744 00:37:04,750 --> 00:37:06,083 I was watching one of the ads 745 00:37:06,083 --> 00:37:08,083 that comes on before the video 746 00:37:08,083 --> 00:37:09,417 I wa-- I don't skip those. 747 00:37:09,417 --> 00:37:11,375 I think that's rude. 748 00:37:11,375 --> 00:37:13,000 It is. It's mean. 749 00:37:13,000 --> 00:37:15,500 Somebody worked hard on that ad. 750 00:37:15,500 --> 00:37:19,042 They trained a cheetah to run alongside a Jeep Cherokee. 751 00:37:21,208 --> 00:37:24,083 And you're at home like, "Three, two, one -- fuck off." 752 00:37:24,083 --> 00:37:26,208 [ Laughter ] 753 00:37:26,208 --> 00:37:29,042 Fucking mean -- what if you made something, dick? 754 00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:34,333 Anyway, the ad was a PSA. 755 00:37:34,333 --> 00:37:37,417 It was a, uh, anti-smoking message. 756 00:37:37,417 --> 00:37:39,417 It was a Puerto Rican man 757 00:37:39,417 --> 00:37:41,083 with a hole in his throat, he was like -- 758 00:37:41,083 --> 00:37:43,958 [Imitating electrolarynx] "My father smoked. 759 00:37:43,958 --> 00:37:46,083 And my mother smoked. 760 00:37:48,667 --> 00:37:50,792 I wish I never smoked in my life. 761 00:37:53,125 --> 00:37:56,708 Please don't smoke cigarettes. 762 00:37:56,708 --> 00:37:59,375 Cigarettes are very, very bad for you." 763 00:38:02,292 --> 00:38:04,250 First thought I had was, 764 00:38:04,250 --> 00:38:06,917 why does he still have an accent? 765 00:38:06,917 --> 00:38:09,667 [ Laughter ] 766 00:38:13,917 --> 00:38:15,917 It's coming out... 767 00:38:15,917 --> 00:38:18,333 Feels like if you bypass the mouth... 768 00:38:20,250 --> 00:38:22,417 You shouldn't have an accident anymore. 769 00:38:24,958 --> 00:38:28,708 Does the machine have a setting for "Puerto Rican"? 770 00:38:32,167 --> 00:38:34,500 Is that just how air sounds coming out of this guy? 771 00:38:34,500 --> 00:38:37,042 Does he fart with an accent? 772 00:38:37,042 --> 00:38:39,500 [ Imitates flatulence ] "Senor, I'm farting!" 773 00:38:45,042 --> 00:38:47,083 Anyway, after the ad, I watched the video 774 00:38:47,083 --> 00:38:50,792 that I was looking for, which was a scene from a movie, 775 00:38:50,792 --> 00:38:52,292 and it's a scene that I really hate -- 776 00:38:52,292 --> 00:38:53,792 every time I see it, it makes me angry, 777 00:38:53,792 --> 00:38:57,625 which is why I was looking for it on YouTube. 778 00:38:57,625 --> 00:39:00,333 And it's a movie I like -- I actually like the movie. 779 00:39:00,333 --> 00:39:02,708 It's called "Good Will Hunting," remember "Good Will Hunting"? 780 00:39:02,708 --> 00:39:04,167 [ Cheering and applause ] Of course, right? 781 00:39:04,167 --> 00:39:06,417 Matt Damon played -- a great performance. 782 00:39:06,417 --> 00:39:09,375 He plays a very complicated young man 783 00:39:09,375 --> 00:39:11,667 w-wearing a tight T-shirt for a whole movie. 784 00:39:11,667 --> 00:39:13,958 And here's the thing -- here's my issue 785 00:39:13,958 --> 00:39:16,958 with "Good Will Hunting" -- Matt Damon also wrote the movie. 786 00:39:16,958 --> 00:39:20,000 Okay? So he basically sat down, he's like, 787 00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:22,500 "First of all, I am amazing." 788 00:39:22,500 --> 00:39:25,625 [ Laughter ] 789 00:39:25,625 --> 00:39:29,917 "I'm a construction worker, I'm, like, working-class, 790 00:39:29,917 --> 00:39:31,792 and I drink beer and I get in fights, 791 00:39:31,792 --> 00:39:35,333 I get into so many fights. 792 00:39:35,333 --> 00:39:37,292 My friends are like, 'You're out of control, man,' 793 00:39:37,292 --> 00:39:40,875 and I'm like, 'Shut up this is the way I am.' 794 00:39:42,708 --> 00:39:46,625 But then also, I'm a genius. 795 00:39:46,625 --> 00:39:48,833 Ooh! 796 00:39:48,833 --> 00:39:51,250 I'm not -- I didn't even go to school, I just know things, 797 00:39:51,250 --> 00:39:53,500 I don't know why -- I just know them. 798 00:39:53,500 --> 00:39:57,625 And all the nerdy geniuses that studied for years are like, 799 00:39:57,625 --> 00:40:02,583 'He's so much smarter than us, it's making it upset'." 800 00:40:02,583 --> 00:40:07,250 It's insane! It's fucking insane. 801 00:40:07,250 --> 00:40:11,167 It only makes sense if he wrote it for himself to be the guy. 802 00:40:14,083 --> 00:40:15,583 So the scene I was looking for, 803 00:40:15,583 --> 00:40:17,542 it's the worst example of that in the movie. 804 00:40:17,542 --> 00:40:19,208 Here's what happens. 805 00:40:19,208 --> 00:40:22,250 He goes to a bar and he meets a woman and he likes her. 806 00:40:22,250 --> 00:40:24,125 And another guy likes her too. 807 00:40:24,125 --> 00:40:26,500 But she picks Matt Damon... 808 00:40:26,500 --> 00:40:27,917 because he wrote the fucking movie! 809 00:40:27,917 --> 00:40:30,083 Because he decided, you understand?! 810 00:40:31,292 --> 00:40:33,167 "She doesn't like him, she likes me, 811 00:40:33,167 --> 00:40:34,917 you better believe it!" 812 00:40:34,917 --> 00:40:38,417 [ Laughter ] 813 00:40:38,417 --> 00:40:41,208 So he gets her phone number and then he goes outside 814 00:40:41,208 --> 00:40:44,375 and he sees the other guy in the window of a restaurant, 815 00:40:44,375 --> 00:40:46,167 and he decides to taunt him, 816 00:40:46,167 --> 00:40:48,042 so he goes over -- he tells his friends, 817 00:40:48,042 --> 00:40:51,042 "Hey, come here, watch this." 818 00:40:51,042 --> 00:40:55,708 And he says to the guy, "Hey, do you like apples?" 819 00:40:55,708 --> 00:40:58,250 [ Laughter ] 820 00:40:58,250 --> 00:41:00,792 And the guy says, "Yes." 821 00:41:04,000 --> 00:41:07,375 And Matt Damon goes, "Well, I got her number. 822 00:41:07,375 --> 00:41:10,917 How do you like them apples?" 823 00:41:10,917 --> 00:41:14,375 And all Matt Damon's friends go, "Oh-ho! 824 00:41:14,375 --> 00:41:16,792 Ho-ho! 825 00:41:16,792 --> 00:41:19,333 This was amazing! 826 00:41:19,333 --> 00:41:22,042 Oh! 827 00:41:22,042 --> 00:41:25,167 Oh-ho, my God! 828 00:41:25,167 --> 00:41:27,542 Oh, my God! 829 00:41:27,542 --> 00:41:30,208 You were ready with that! 830 00:41:32,167 --> 00:41:33,625 How?!" 831 00:41:35,917 --> 00:41:37,542 You know how he did it? 832 00:41:37,542 --> 00:41:39,167 He wrote the whole fucking movie, okay?! 833 00:41:39,167 --> 00:41:42,625 He made everybody say all the things. 834 00:41:46,708 --> 00:41:48,083 Otherwise, this doesn't happen. 835 00:41:48,083 --> 00:41:51,542 I mean, he hinges the whole fucking prank 836 00:41:51,542 --> 00:41:56,375 on the guy likin' apples; the guy must like apples. 837 00:41:56,375 --> 00:41:59,958 Who the fuck -- who would say "yes"... 838 00:41:59,958 --> 00:42:02,333 to, "Do you like apples?" -- 839 00:42:02,333 --> 00:42:05,333 coming from a clear antagonist... 840 00:42:08,292 --> 00:42:12,125 who's setting him up -- gathered his friends. 841 00:42:15,792 --> 00:42:18,542 "Do you -- ha, wait, guys watch this --- 842 00:42:18,542 --> 00:42:21,458 do you like apples?" 843 00:42:23,875 --> 00:42:26,375 [Sighs] God damn it, I do. 844 00:42:29,542 --> 00:42:32,625 I wish I didn't. 845 00:42:32,625 --> 00:42:35,625 'Cause I can tell this is not going to go my way. 846 00:42:37,708 --> 00:42:40,375 But I just -- I can't lie. 847 00:42:40,375 --> 00:42:41,542 They'll know it. 848 00:42:41,542 --> 00:42:43,083 They'll know it's because, boy, 849 00:42:43,083 --> 00:42:45,125 do I like apples. 850 00:42:47,083 --> 00:42:48,708 Do you understand if he says "no," 851 00:42:48,708 --> 00:42:50,208 Matt Damon is fucked. 852 00:42:50,208 --> 00:42:53,542 He's fucked in the face for life. 853 00:42:53,542 --> 00:42:55,458 He's got nothin'! 854 00:42:55,458 --> 00:42:58,417 "Do you like apples?" 855 00:42:58,417 --> 00:42:59,542 "No." "D--" 856 00:42:59,542 --> 00:43:01,042 [ Stammers ] 857 00:43:01,042 --> 00:43:04,667 [ Laughter ] 858 00:43:04,667 --> 00:43:06,083 "What... 859 00:43:06,083 --> 00:43:08,292 Dude. Fuckin' guy. 860 00:43:08,292 --> 00:43:09,750 No, come on, seriously. 861 00:43:09,750 --> 00:43:11,917 Seriously, you fuckin' -- don't fuckin'... 862 00:43:11,917 --> 00:43:15,458 Don't fuckin'... 863 00:43:15,458 --> 00:43:18,333 [ Labored breathing ] 864 00:43:18,333 --> 00:43:22,250 Do -- do -- do -- do you like bananas? 865 00:43:22,250 --> 00:43:23,792 Do -- 'cause I thought -- 866 00:43:23,792 --> 00:43:27,500 'cause the woman gave me her telephone number, 867 00:43:27,500 --> 00:43:29,625 and isn't that bananas? 868 00:43:29,625 --> 00:43:32,167 [ Laughter ] 869 00:43:39,417 --> 00:43:41,208 I saw a guy... 870 00:43:44,292 --> 00:43:47,042 I saw a guy peeling a banana the other day. 871 00:43:47,042 --> 00:43:49,083 It's another banana joked, because... 872 00:43:49,083 --> 00:43:51,250 Did you hear the other one ended with "banana"? 873 00:43:51,250 --> 00:43:54,792 Banana -- I got three banana jokes, by the way. 874 00:43:54,792 --> 00:43:56,625 This is number two. 875 00:43:56,625 --> 00:43:58,458 Okay. 876 00:43:58,458 --> 00:44:00,958 I saw a guy peeling a banana on Sixth Avenue, 877 00:44:00,958 --> 00:44:02,792 and it bothered me. 878 00:44:02,792 --> 00:44:05,250 I'll tell you why, because it's the way he -- 879 00:44:05,250 --> 00:44:07,500 when I peel a banana, I hold around here, 880 00:44:07,500 --> 00:44:10,292 I peel down to my hand, right? 881 00:44:10,292 --> 00:44:13,917 This guy holds the banana at the bottom. 882 00:44:13,917 --> 00:44:18,333 And he just peels the whole thing all the way down. 883 00:44:21,792 --> 00:44:24,833 It felt like a guy at a urinal pulling his pants 884 00:44:24,833 --> 00:44:27,292 all the way to his ankles. 885 00:44:32,125 --> 00:44:35,250 I was like, "Dude, TMI with that banana right now. 886 00:44:35,250 --> 00:44:37,167 What are you making a smoothie on Sixth Avenue? 887 00:44:37,167 --> 00:44:39,042 What are you doing?" 888 00:44:41,125 --> 00:44:43,583 The banana was like, "Hey! 889 00:44:46,917 --> 00:44:50,083 You don't even know how much you're going to eat. 890 00:44:53,958 --> 00:44:56,417 I have a bruise right here." 891 00:45:05,750 --> 00:45:08,500 Kind of got lost in the banana shame there. 892 00:45:11,792 --> 00:45:13,750 You wanna hear the other banana one now? 893 00:45:13,750 --> 00:45:17,000 [ Cheering and applause ] All right. 894 00:45:17,000 --> 00:45:20,083 Okay, so... 895 00:45:20,083 --> 00:45:23,208 I was at the grocery store... 896 00:45:23,208 --> 00:45:26,208 and I needed bananas. 897 00:45:26,208 --> 00:45:29,250 So I go over to where the bananas are, 898 00:45:29,250 --> 00:45:32,458 and there's a Black woman at the bananas. 899 00:45:32,458 --> 00:45:34,792 It's going to be okay. 900 00:45:34,792 --> 00:45:37,542 It's going to be okay, I swear. 901 00:45:37,542 --> 00:45:40,333 [ Applause ] 902 00:45:40,333 --> 00:45:43,083 I understand. 903 00:45:43,083 --> 00:45:45,167 White people are very scared of discussing 904 00:45:45,167 --> 00:45:48,292 bananas and Black people in the same conversation. 905 00:45:48,292 --> 00:45:50,167 I understand -- if I have a Black friend over, 906 00:45:50,167 --> 00:45:51,708 I would never offer him a banana. 907 00:45:51,708 --> 00:45:53,375 I just, I don't know why, I just wouldn't do it. 908 00:45:53,375 --> 00:45:55,542 "Hey, you want a banana?" "Why the fuck you asking me?" 909 00:45:55,542 --> 00:45:57,333 "Hey, man, sorry, you have an apple? 910 00:45:57,333 --> 00:45:59,500 I'm really sorry." 911 00:45:59,500 --> 00:46:01,250 These are just the facts of the case. 912 00:46:01,250 --> 00:46:03,125 All right? 913 00:46:03,125 --> 00:46:05,208 I was in a store, 914 00:46:05,208 --> 00:46:07,750 looking for bananas and there's a Black woman in the bananas, 915 00:46:07,750 --> 00:46:09,625 and I wanted to -- 916 00:46:09,625 --> 00:46:11,292 I didn't want to go there while she's there because of COVID. 917 00:46:11,292 --> 00:46:13,417 We're all giving each other space. 918 00:46:13,417 --> 00:46:16,625 So I -- I -- but I do want to be next. 919 00:46:19,750 --> 00:46:21,417 So I'm waiting. 920 00:46:21,417 --> 00:46:25,000 And she's kind of takin' a long time. 921 00:46:25,000 --> 00:46:29,833 And the longer she takes, the longer I'm a white man 922 00:46:29,833 --> 00:46:32,875 watching a Black woman choose bananas. 923 00:46:36,042 --> 00:46:37,875 And this is an awful thing about the world today, 924 00:46:37,875 --> 00:46:40,125 because I know I'm not doing anything wrong, 925 00:46:40,125 --> 00:46:42,375 but I feel fucking bad. 926 00:46:42,375 --> 00:46:46,333 I feel fucking bad. 927 00:46:46,333 --> 00:46:48,458 So I went to the strawberries. 928 00:46:49,792 --> 00:46:51,792 [ Chuckles ] 929 00:46:51,792 --> 00:46:54,375 And there's a fuckin' Jew at the strawberries. 930 00:46:54,375 --> 00:46:58,667 [ Laughter and applause ] 931 00:47:01,875 --> 00:47:04,208 "Here's a nice one!" 932 00:47:06,542 --> 00:47:08,208 [ Laughs, clears throat ] 933 00:47:08,208 --> 00:47:12,167 That's the Jew. 934 00:47:12,167 --> 00:47:14,875 I'm not going to do the Black woman. 935 00:47:14,875 --> 00:47:17,208 No, not -- you know why? Because I'm not afraid of Jews. 936 00:47:17,208 --> 00:47:18,917 That's really... 937 00:47:18,917 --> 00:47:21,333 That's the bottom line. 938 00:47:21,333 --> 00:47:24,500 I'm not scared of Jews. 939 00:47:24,500 --> 00:47:27,000 I don't find Jews to be frightening... 940 00:47:27,000 --> 00:47:31,333 unless you're in Palestine, then they're terrifying. 941 00:47:31,333 --> 00:47:33,625 It's very different. 942 00:47:35,500 --> 00:47:37,542 Over there, they're like, "The Jews are killing us!" 943 00:47:37,542 --> 00:47:39,625 And here, we're like, "Really? The Jews?" 944 00:47:39,625 --> 00:47:41,833 [ Laughter ] 945 00:47:46,750 --> 00:47:49,625 "We've been slapping them around for years." 946 00:47:54,167 --> 00:47:55,833 Anyway. 947 00:47:58,417 --> 00:48:00,042 "This banana's too hard!" 948 00:48:00,042 --> 00:48:03,708 [ Laughter and applause ] 949 00:48:05,458 --> 00:48:07,750 "Well, this banana's soft, but I'm not gon' have it 950 00:48:07,750 --> 00:48:09,625 till Tuesday, so... 951 00:48:09,625 --> 00:48:12,417 I'm gonna buy the hard one and wait." 952 00:48:12,417 --> 00:48:15,875 Just trying to be fair. 953 00:48:15,875 --> 00:48:17,625 Just trying to be fair to the Jews. 954 00:48:24,917 --> 00:48:26,375 "Lawd, have mercy." Anyway... 955 00:48:26,375 --> 00:48:29,208 [ Cheering and applause ] 956 00:48:31,000 --> 00:48:33,958 Don't worry, I'm an old man, I'll be gone very soon. 957 00:48:36,042 --> 00:48:37,708 I worry about getting old 958 00:48:37,708 --> 00:48:39,333 only 'cause I don't want to lose my memory, you know? 959 00:48:39,333 --> 00:48:41,750 I mean, some of it I would love to lose. 960 00:48:41,750 --> 00:48:42,833 [ Laughter ] 961 00:48:42,833 --> 00:48:45,500 But it doesn't work that way. 962 00:48:45,500 --> 00:48:47,583 You got to take it all or none, I guess. 963 00:48:47,583 --> 00:48:49,667 But I lose -- I forget things, you know, 964 00:48:49,667 --> 00:48:52,750 like, remember Fonzie from "Happy Days"? 965 00:48:52,750 --> 00:48:55,000 I don't remember him. 966 00:48:55,000 --> 00:48:58,250 I don't even know what you're talking about. 967 00:48:58,250 --> 00:49:00,667 I forget weird things, you know? 968 00:49:00,667 --> 00:49:02,333 Like I was walking down the street once in New York 969 00:49:02,333 --> 00:49:04,708 and there was a guy in a van 970 00:49:04,708 --> 00:49:06,417 and he roll down the window and he said, 971 00:49:06,417 --> 00:49:10,333 "Hey, get in the van and suck my dick." 972 00:49:10,333 --> 00:49:13,458 And I said, "All right," you know, so... 973 00:49:13,458 --> 00:49:15,750 I got in the van and, you know, 974 00:49:15,750 --> 00:49:18,042 I was trying to pull the door, the sliding door, 975 00:49:18,042 --> 00:49:20,125 but it kept -- and he's like, "It just shuts, don't -- 976 00:49:20,125 --> 00:49:22,458 You don't have to... I was like, "Sorry." 977 00:49:22,458 --> 00:49:26,125 He's like, "Everybody does that, it's okay." 978 00:49:26,125 --> 00:49:30,042 So I'm kneeling on the floor of the van 979 00:49:30,042 --> 00:49:32,583 on like a purse, and there's no lady in there, but I'm like, 980 00:49:32,583 --> 00:49:34,333 "I came here to suck this guy's dick, 981 00:49:34,333 --> 00:49:36,833 not, like, take inventory. 982 00:49:36,833 --> 00:49:40,083 I should just get to work," so I started suckin' his dick, 983 00:49:40,083 --> 00:49:41,833 and about halfway through -- 984 00:49:41,833 --> 00:49:43,917 I'm guessing -- 985 00:49:43,917 --> 00:49:46,833 I remembered... 986 00:49:46,833 --> 00:49:48,875 that, I don't really like doing that. 987 00:49:48,875 --> 00:49:50,833 [ Laughter ] 988 00:49:55,417 --> 00:49:57,625 So, senior moment. 989 00:49:57,625 --> 00:49:59,625 [ Laughter ] 990 00:50:03,708 --> 00:50:06,000 Some people worry about getting old because they think it means 991 00:50:06,000 --> 00:50:09,417 that they're dying, which it does. 992 00:50:09,417 --> 00:50:11,542 But this doesn't worry me -- I don't worry about dying 993 00:50:11,542 --> 00:50:13,417 because I think it's necessary. 994 00:50:13,417 --> 00:50:15,208 I think it's something that you just have to do. 995 00:50:15,208 --> 00:50:16,667 You should do it. 996 00:50:16,667 --> 00:50:18,333 It's -- when it's your turn, you should do it. 997 00:50:18,333 --> 00:50:20,000 If somebody you know, your doctor says you're dying, 998 00:50:20,000 --> 00:50:21,875 just say, "Okay," and die -- don't, you know, 999 00:50:21,875 --> 00:50:23,958 "May be a miracle?" Fuck you, get in the ground, 1000 00:50:23,958 --> 00:50:25,542 just take your turn. 1001 00:50:25,542 --> 00:50:27,917 I really think that way now -- I didn't used to, 1002 00:50:27,917 --> 00:50:29,917 but I do, because I -- you know when I started 1003 00:50:29,917 --> 00:50:31,667 thinking that way was when my mom died. 1004 00:50:31,667 --> 00:50:34,792 My mom died a couple of years ago of anorexia. 1005 00:50:34,792 --> 00:50:38,000 She was 300 pounds. She was bad at it. 1006 00:50:38,000 --> 00:50:41,917 [ Laughter ] 1007 00:50:41,917 --> 00:50:43,833 I know it's fucked up, right? 1008 00:50:43,833 --> 00:50:44,958 [ Laughter ] 1009 00:50:48,875 --> 00:50:53,083 Hmm. What a piece of shit. 1010 00:50:53,083 --> 00:50:55,292 Anyway -- She would have liked that joke. 1011 00:50:55,292 --> 00:50:58,083 She would have! My mom, fuckin', she was gross. 1012 00:50:59,917 --> 00:51:01,833 And I remember when she was dying, 1013 00:51:01,833 --> 00:51:02,917 I was -- I was alone with her, 1014 00:51:02,917 --> 00:51:04,208 and the nurse said, 1015 00:51:04,208 --> 00:51:05,500 "This is -- this is imminent." 1016 00:51:05,500 --> 00:51:07,125 I was like, "What does that mean?" 1017 00:51:07,125 --> 00:51:09,333 She goes, "It's -- she's going to die in a minute." 1018 00:51:09,333 --> 00:51:13,125 I'm like, "Just say, 'in a minute'. 1019 00:51:13,125 --> 00:51:15,375 It's so close." 1020 00:51:15,375 --> 00:51:17,333 Anyway, I was alone with her and she died, and I was like, 1021 00:51:17,333 --> 00:51:20,042 "Fuck, they're going to think I did it, obviously." 1022 00:51:23,042 --> 00:51:24,875 I didn't want to lose my mom, I really didn't, 1023 00:51:24,875 --> 00:51:26,500 but I -- but we had this one conversation, 1024 00:51:26,500 --> 00:51:28,375 like, two weeks before she died, when we were -- 1025 00:51:28,375 --> 00:51:29,792 we were talking about it and I said, 1026 00:51:29,792 --> 00:51:31,125 "Mom, I don't want you to die." 1027 00:51:31,125 --> 00:51:33,792 And she said, "You'll get over it." 1028 00:51:33,792 --> 00:51:36,292 That's what she said! 1029 00:51:36,292 --> 00:51:38,583 And I did. 1030 00:51:38,583 --> 00:51:40,375 But in the moment, I wasn't willing to accept it, 1031 00:51:40,375 --> 00:51:41,792 I was like, "I don't want you to go," 1032 00:51:41,792 --> 00:51:43,417 she said, "But we're going in order. 1033 00:51:43,417 --> 00:51:45,708 Do you understand? This makes sense. 1034 00:51:45,708 --> 00:51:48,417 I'm your mother," I'm like, "Mom, stop talking like that. 1035 00:51:48,417 --> 00:51:50,667 This is sad," she goes, "No, it's not. 1036 00:51:50,667 --> 00:51:53,333 Look at it this way, would -- do you want me to never die?" 1037 00:51:53,333 --> 00:51:55,667 I was like, "No, I don't want that at all." 1038 00:51:58,292 --> 00:52:00,833 And it helped me get in touch with an important idea, 1039 00:52:00,833 --> 00:52:02,833 which is that dying is important, 1040 00:52:02,833 --> 00:52:06,583 it's every generation's greatest contribution to history 1041 00:52:06,583 --> 00:52:09,042 is that they die. 1042 00:52:09,042 --> 00:52:12,000 It's the only thing that keeps things moving; 1043 00:52:12,000 --> 00:52:14,958 it's the only reason there's any progress in the human race 1044 00:52:14,958 --> 00:52:17,458 is that folks keep fucking dying. 1045 00:52:17,458 --> 00:52:20,125 Every generation has had a mix of douche bags 1046 00:52:20,125 --> 00:52:23,167 and amazing people and boring, great, good, whatever, 1047 00:52:23,167 --> 00:52:25,042 but they're all fucking dead. 1048 00:52:25,042 --> 00:52:26,750 Every fuckin' one. 1049 00:52:26,750 --> 00:52:29,542 Thank God, they're all fucking dead. 1050 00:52:29,542 --> 00:52:32,292 There's a limit to how much any of the good ones did, 1051 00:52:32,292 --> 00:52:34,792 and the shitty ones got to stop being shitty. 1052 00:52:34,792 --> 00:52:36,750 It's a great system. 1053 00:52:36,750 --> 00:52:38,042 Now, when you look at the Internet 1054 00:52:38,042 --> 00:52:39,667 and all these people, you're like, 1055 00:52:39,667 --> 00:52:40,833 "What the fuck is happening?" They' -- it's okay. 1056 00:52:40,833 --> 00:52:43,208 They're all going! Every th-- 1057 00:52:43,208 --> 00:52:45,458 All of them are going to die. 1058 00:52:45,458 --> 00:52:47,875 I mean, you don't want to die. [ Cheers and applause ] 1059 00:52:47,875 --> 00:52:50,500 You don't want to die, you don't want your loved ones to die, 1060 00:52:50,500 --> 00:52:52,417 but that's a selfish wish when you think about 1061 00:52:52,417 --> 00:52:53,958 what would happen if nobody died -- 1062 00:52:53,958 --> 00:52:56,000 what kind of world would this be if there was no -- 1063 00:52:56,000 --> 00:52:58,667 nobody d-- if we still had people here 1064 00:52:58,667 --> 00:53:01,167 from the 1100s? 1065 00:53:01,167 --> 00:53:05,000 It's hard enough having people here from the '50s! 1066 00:53:05,000 --> 00:53:08,708 "Sir, just scan the code on the table, there's no menu." 1067 00:53:08,708 --> 00:53:11,625 "What?! I don't understand!" 1068 00:53:11,625 --> 00:53:14,417 Jesus Christ! 1069 00:53:14,417 --> 00:53:18,042 You want to go through that with Pontius Pilate and Charlemagne? 1070 00:53:18,042 --> 00:53:19,917 [ Laughter ] 1071 00:53:19,917 --> 00:53:21,833 Fucking pain in the ass. 1072 00:53:23,833 --> 00:53:25,750 Fucking old people that don't want to fucking, 1073 00:53:25,750 --> 00:53:27,833 just, when you get older and you start going, 1074 00:53:27,833 --> 00:53:29,375 "Everything's so crazy now" -- 1075 00:53:29,375 --> 00:53:31,250 no, it's fine, just get the fuck out. 1076 00:53:31,250 --> 00:53:32,958 It's great. 1077 00:53:32,958 --> 00:53:35,167 They're not going to make it work for you, 1078 00:53:35,167 --> 00:53:38,167 you're here for 10 more minutes, just get the fuck out. 1079 00:53:40,417 --> 00:53:42,667 If you're in an airport and you're looking at the toilet 1080 00:53:42,667 --> 00:53:45,167 and you're like, "I don't understand how this works," 1081 00:53:45,167 --> 00:53:49,125 it's time for you to die, that's what that means. 1082 00:53:49,125 --> 00:53:51,542 These toilets are for the next people, get the fuck out. 1083 00:53:55,375 --> 00:53:58,083 That's the way I look at my life now. 1084 00:53:58,083 --> 00:54:00,208 I had some good, I had some bad, but I'm done. 1085 00:54:00,208 --> 00:54:04,167 I mean, I'm -- I'll hang around 'cause I'm curious. 1086 00:54:04,167 --> 00:54:06,458 But I'm so interested in the way things are going, 1087 00:54:06,458 --> 00:54:09,083 I really am, it's such an interesting time, 1088 00:54:09,083 --> 00:54:10,875 such a -- we're on a hinge, it's such a cool thing 1089 00:54:10,875 --> 00:54:12,292 to experience that. 1090 00:54:12,292 --> 00:54:14,292 I'm excited about a lot of what's coming, 1091 00:54:14,292 --> 00:54:16,708 there's things that are hard now, but that's the way it is. 1092 00:54:16,708 --> 00:54:18,542 Things are going to get -- I think it's exciting 1093 00:54:18,542 --> 00:54:20,625 what's happening; I think young people today 1094 00:54:20,625 --> 00:54:22,208 have some great ideas. 1095 00:54:22,208 --> 00:54:23,917 They're being a little cunty about some of them, 1096 00:54:23,917 --> 00:54:25,792 but the ideas are good. 1097 00:54:25,792 --> 00:54:27,417 The ideas are good. 1098 00:54:27,417 --> 00:54:29,583 Like, when I was growing up, we had two genders -- 1099 00:54:29,583 --> 00:54:30,958 male and female. 1100 00:54:30,958 --> 00:54:32,375 Now you have all these expansion teams. 1101 00:54:32,375 --> 00:54:34,042 I think it's very exciting. 1102 00:54:34,042 --> 00:54:36,333 It is! 1103 00:54:36,333 --> 00:54:39,083 And the best idea is this gender fluid thing. 1104 00:54:39,083 --> 00:54:41,583 This is a great fucking idea. 1105 00:54:41,583 --> 00:54:44,833 Gender fluid. the idea, the way I barely understand it, 1106 00:54:44,833 --> 00:54:47,917 is that you -- you just -- something in the middle. 1107 00:54:47,917 --> 00:54:49,333 It's like a fretless bass. 1108 00:54:49,333 --> 00:54:51,083 You don't have to be... 1109 00:54:51,083 --> 00:54:53,417 The specific pictures... 1110 00:54:53,417 --> 00:54:55,083 What a dumb way to do it. 1111 00:54:55,083 --> 00:54:57,750 "These are the kinds of people you can be, 1112 00:54:57,750 --> 00:54:59,208 which one are you?" 1113 00:54:59,208 --> 00:55:00,750 "I don't feel like any of those people." 1114 00:55:00,750 --> 00:55:03,292 "Then you're a failure. You have to fi-- 1115 00:55:03,292 --> 00:55:06,208 Start acting like these people 1116 00:55:06,208 --> 00:55:08,250 so we know what to call you." 1117 00:55:08,250 --> 00:55:11,792 Why?! Just make it a -- It's just a -- pbbt, 1118 00:55:11,792 --> 00:55:14,042 What, just... 1119 00:55:14,042 --> 00:55:16,292 A la carte, "I like dicks, I don't like balls, 1120 00:55:16,292 --> 00:55:18,167 I'm a... 1121 00:55:18,167 --> 00:55:20,417 this and -- moving through it, 1122 00:55:20,417 --> 00:55:22,667 changing when it feels like it." 1123 00:55:22,667 --> 00:55:24,875 I wish -- what I'm saying is I wish we had that 1124 00:55:24,875 --> 00:55:27,625 when I was a kid, because I think our generation 1125 00:55:27,625 --> 00:55:30,333 got hurt by the rigidity of identities 1126 00:55:30,333 --> 00:55:32,125 and how you had to just stick to them. 1127 00:55:32,125 --> 00:55:33,542 You didn't pick one right away. 1128 00:55:33,542 --> 00:55:35,333 You're eight years old, "What are you?" 1129 00:55:35,333 --> 00:55:36,708 "I'm a -- I'm a boy." 1130 00:55:36,708 --> 00:55:39,000 "What do you like?" "Uh, girls... 1131 00:55:39,000 --> 00:55:41,958 Vaginas! 1132 00:55:41,958 --> 00:55:43,500 Love vaginas!" I'm eight years old, 1133 00:55:43,500 --> 00:55:45,208 I never saw one, 1134 00:55:45,208 --> 00:55:48,792 but I'm committing my life to them right now. 1135 00:55:48,792 --> 00:55:52,000 I don't even get to smell one for a second! 1136 00:55:52,000 --> 00:55:53,958 Just a sniff! [ Sniffs ] 1137 00:56:00,500 --> 00:56:02,167 "All right, what else you got?" 1138 00:56:02,167 --> 00:56:06,500 [ Laughter and applause ] 1139 00:56:11,083 --> 00:56:13,750 Ten years old, "Are you gay?" "No, no, no, I hate dicks, 1140 00:56:13,750 --> 00:56:16,208 hate 'em." 1141 00:56:16,208 --> 00:56:17,625 What do I know? I didn't even get to 1142 00:56:17,625 --> 00:56:19,625 fidget with one for a minute! 1143 00:56:19,625 --> 00:56:22,208 [ Laughter ] 1144 00:56:26,500 --> 00:56:28,208 "This banana's too hard!" 1145 00:56:28,208 --> 00:56:30,542 [ Laughter and applause ] 1146 00:56:33,625 --> 00:56:36,000 I'm not saying I wish I could have blown all my friends 1147 00:56:36,000 --> 00:56:37,958 to see what it's like. 1148 00:56:37,958 --> 00:56:40,375 But on 4th of July, there were fireworks, 1149 00:56:40,375 --> 00:56:42,667 I was with Matt, there was a feeling -- 1150 00:56:42,667 --> 00:56:44,917 I don't know what could have happened. 1151 00:56:44,917 --> 00:56:46,958 I have no idea -- 1152 00:56:46,958 --> 00:56:48,542 because we were so scared. 1153 00:56:48,542 --> 00:56:50,917 We were so -- we were afraid to seem gay 1154 00:56:50,917 --> 00:56:53,167 when I was a kid, 'cause in the '70s, 1155 00:56:53,167 --> 00:56:55,208 the stereotypes showed you what everybody is like. 1156 00:56:55,208 --> 00:56:57,042 [ Deep voice ] Men are like this. 1157 00:56:57,042 --> 00:56:58,917 [ Falsetto ] And then the women have to act like this, 1158 00:56:58,917 --> 00:57:00,792 and then gay people are like... 1159 00:57:00,792 --> 00:57:02,000 they're just tired. 1160 00:57:02,000 --> 00:57:03,792 That was gay people in the '70s. 1161 00:57:03,792 --> 00:57:05,375 "I'm gay. 1162 00:57:05,375 --> 00:57:08,833 Help, I'm gay, I can't even do anything." 1163 00:57:08,833 --> 00:57:10,500 That's what gay men were in the '70s. 1164 00:57:10,500 --> 00:57:11,958 You ever meet a gay person? 1165 00:57:11,958 --> 00:57:14,167 You don't fuck with gay people, not today. 1166 00:57:14,167 --> 00:57:16,958 They're all athletes, first of all. 1167 00:57:16,958 --> 00:57:18,500 And they -- they got their shit together. 1168 00:57:18,500 --> 00:57:21,125 They're fucking -- their motherfuckers, gay people. 1169 00:57:21,125 --> 00:57:22,917 Your landlord's gay. 1170 00:57:22,917 --> 00:57:24,750 They're billionaires! They own Apple. 1171 00:57:24,750 --> 00:57:27,708 They're in the cabinet, they're in the Navy. 1172 00:57:27,708 --> 00:57:29,917 They're -- they're -- they're cowboys and Indians 1173 00:57:29,917 --> 00:57:31,750 and construction workers. 1174 00:57:31,750 --> 00:57:33,542 Gay men are men. 1175 00:57:33,542 --> 00:57:36,333 You ever go in a gay-owned business? 1176 00:57:36,333 --> 00:57:37,458 He's like, "Can I help you?" 1177 00:57:37,458 --> 00:57:39,292 Like, the gay's in there, 1178 00:57:39,292 --> 00:57:41,833 but he's fucking tough now. 1179 00:57:41,833 --> 00:57:45,958 "This is my store, motherfucker, what do you want?" 1180 00:57:45,958 --> 00:57:47,417 Gay men are men now. 1181 00:57:47,417 --> 00:57:49,125 They're -- they're fathers, they're husbands, 1182 00:57:49,125 --> 00:57:50,542 they're men. 1183 00:57:50,542 --> 00:57:53,917 Today's heterosexual men are faggots. 1184 00:57:53,917 --> 00:57:55,792 I don't know how that happened! 1185 00:57:55,792 --> 00:57:58,708 [ Cheering and applause ] And I -- but they're fags! 1186 00:57:58,708 --> 00:58:00,292 [ Cheering and applause ] 1187 00:58:00,292 --> 00:58:03,125 I'm saying that with love and as an old man 1188 00:58:03,125 --> 00:58:06,375 on his way out the door, but they're fucking fags! 1189 00:58:06,375 --> 00:58:08,167 They're intelligent and they're evolved, 1190 00:58:08,167 --> 00:58:10,583 but they're fags, with the pajama shorts?! 1191 00:58:10,583 --> 00:58:14,958 And the -- just pale, almost blue. 1192 00:58:14,958 --> 00:58:18,458 "Mm, my wife got a promotion today." 1193 00:58:18,458 --> 00:58:20,583 Oh, good for you, faggot. I'm so happy. 1194 00:58:20,583 --> 00:58:23,208 I am! I'm happy for him! Sounds like a good -- 1195 00:58:23,208 --> 00:58:25,167 they have a good life together. 1196 00:58:27,417 --> 00:58:28,917 But it takes some getting used to for me -- 1197 00:58:28,917 --> 00:58:30,833 when I see a progressive young couple, 1198 00:58:30,833 --> 00:58:33,208 I always want to stop them and ask her, 1199 00:58:33,208 --> 00:58:36,333 "Is that turning you on? Please tell me, is that sexy?" 1200 00:58:36,333 --> 00:58:40,750 He -- with the Tin Man's hand pipe, just... 1201 00:58:40,750 --> 00:58:43,042 Strawberry smoke. "Pbbt!" 1202 00:58:45,250 --> 00:58:47,000 She's like, Well, he's very intelligent 1203 00:58:47,000 --> 00:58:49,417 and he's conscientious" -- but does he make your pussy wet? 1204 00:58:49,417 --> 00:58:51,125 "Fuck, no, he's a fag. 1205 00:58:51,125 --> 00:58:52,917 But I love him." 1206 00:58:54,542 --> 00:58:57,333 And again, great, it's another kind of dude, 1207 00:58:57,333 --> 00:58:59,958 "faggy straight dude," it's another kind of guy. 1208 00:58:59,958 --> 00:59:02,667 Welcome! 1209 00:59:02,667 --> 00:59:04,875 We should have all of it, the whole spectrum, 1210 00:59:04,875 --> 00:59:07,208 the whole alphabet, all of it. 1211 00:59:07,208 --> 00:59:10,208 But somebody does have to be just a straight fucking. 1212 00:59:10,208 --> 00:59:12,042 You have to have that. 1213 00:59:12,042 --> 00:59:13,708 It doesn't have to be the most important, but you do need it 1214 00:59:13,708 --> 00:59:16,292 because it's where it all fuckin' comes from. 1215 00:59:16,292 --> 00:59:17,917 Until they figure out some other shit, 1216 00:59:17,917 --> 00:59:19,583 this is where life still starts. 1217 00:59:19,583 --> 00:59:23,333 If -- if you want to eat local and organic, 1218 00:59:23,333 --> 00:59:26,625 you got to respect that someone's got to have 1219 00:59:26,625 --> 00:59:28,375 a hard dick fucking a pussy. 1220 00:59:28,375 --> 00:59:32,292 That's -- that's where every trans, every gay person, 1221 00:59:32,292 --> 00:59:36,042 came from -- two boring straight people fucking. 1222 00:59:36,042 --> 00:59:39,500 I mean, that's just -- for now, 1223 00:59:39,500 --> 00:59:41,542 it's -- someone needs -- you could -- 1224 00:59:41,542 --> 00:59:44,542 With an original dick, not a turned-inside-out pussy 1225 00:59:44,542 --> 00:59:46,417 wrapped in thigh flesh -- 1226 00:59:46,417 --> 00:59:49,542 which is wonderful! Wonderful! 1227 00:59:49,542 --> 00:59:51,750 You got to respect that! You do! 1228 00:59:51,750 --> 00:59:53,500 Somebody who wants to be themselves so bad 1229 00:59:53,500 --> 00:59:57,167 they rip their balls off -- that takes balls to do that. 1230 00:59:57,167 --> 01:00:00,333 It does! Fuckin' respect! 1231 01:00:00,333 --> 01:00:04,958 But someone's got to have a factory dick 1232 01:00:04,958 --> 01:00:07,958 with matching numbers, 1233 01:00:07,958 --> 01:00:10,625 fucking a wet, farm-raised pussy. 1234 01:00:10,625 --> 01:00:12,500 [ Laughter and applause ] 1235 01:00:15,417 --> 01:00:17,917 Thank you very much. Good night, everybody. 1236 01:00:17,917 --> 01:00:21,250 Thank you. 1237 01:00:21,250 --> 01:00:24,917 -♪ Ah, you never turned around to see the frowns ♪ 1238 01:00:24,917 --> 01:00:27,958 ♪ On the jugglers and the clowns when they all did ♪ 1239 01:00:27,958 --> 01:00:30,250 ♪ Tricks for you ♪ 1240 01:00:30,250 --> 01:00:32,792 ♪♪ 1241 01:00:32,792 --> 01:00:35,000 ♪ You never understood that it ain't no good ♪ 1242 01:00:35,000 --> 01:00:38,042 ♪ You shouldn't let other people get your ♪ 1243 01:00:38,042 --> 01:00:40,500 ♪ Kicks for you ♪ 1244 01:00:40,500 --> 01:00:43,333 ♪♪ 1245 01:00:43,333 --> 01:00:47,875 ♪ You used to ride on a chrome horse with your diplomat ♪ 1246 01:00:47,875 --> 01:00:52,625 ♪ Who carried on his shoulder a Siamese cat ♪ 1247 01:00:52,625 --> 01:00:57,792 ♪ Ain't it hard when you discovered that ♪ 1248 01:00:57,792 --> 01:01:03,125 ♪ He really wasn't where it's at ♪ 1249 01:01:03,125 --> 01:01:06,750 ♪ After he took from you everything ♪ 1250 01:01:06,750 --> 01:01:11,708 ♪ He could steal ♪ 1251 01:01:11,708 --> 01:01:13,542 ♪ How does it feel? ♪ 1252 01:01:13,542 --> 01:01:16,708 ♪♪ 1253 01:01:16,708 --> 01:01:18,542 ♪ How does it feel? ♪ 1254 01:01:18,542 --> 01:01:21,417 ♪♪ 1255 01:01:21,417 --> 01:01:26,125 ♪ To have on your own ♪ 1256 01:01:26,125 --> 01:01:31,042 ♪ With no direction home ♪ 1257 01:01:31,042 --> 01:01:36,125 ♪ Like a complete unknown ♪ 1258 01:01:36,125 --> 01:01:38,750 ♪ Like a rolling stone ♪ 1259 01:01:38,750 --> 01:01:44,000 ♪♪ 1260 01:01:44,000 --> 01:01:49,250 ♪♪ 1261 01:01:49,250 --> 01:01:54,208 ♪ Ah, princess on a steeple and all the pretty people ♪ 1262 01:01:54,208 --> 01:01:56,750 ♪ They're all drinking, thinking that they've ♪ 1263 01:01:56,750 --> 01:02:00,958 ♪ Got it made ♪ 1264 01:02:00,958 --> 01:02:02,000 ♪ Exchanging all... ♪ 95858

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