Original subtitles

LOIS: Malcolm! Reese!

No playing ball in the house!

LOIS: No playing ball on the house!

LOIS: No playing ball through the house!

This isn't even fun.

That stopped being the point a long time ago.

♪ Yes, no, maybe

♪ I don't know

♪ Can you repeat the question?

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ Life is unfair.

Oh, for God's sake, Malcolm.

This is the last time I'm going to tell you.

Get up right now!

I'll get up when the world stops being a cruel joke,

which is never!

Malcolm,

you smell like a locker room.

This has got to stop.

You've wasted your entire summer

lying in bed feeling sorry for yourself.

Your father thinks we sent you away to camp.

You're right. I'm a pathetic loser.

: Honey...

this is just a phase.

Every teenager goes through it.

I did, your father did.

Francis cried in the shower every day for six months.

Reese wouldn't get out of the dryer.

It's awkward and it's painful

and you think it's never going to end.

Now get out of bed! We're going to the zoo.

Why are we going to go stare

at a bunch of pathetic, caged animals

and fat, suburban yahoos pointing and laughing at them?

Because I have a coupon.

Is the zoo one of the places where you have

to be this tall to do the good stuff?

I don't know.

I've never been there when it's open.

This is going to be so much fun.

I'm so glad I ran into Matt.

Yeah, that was quite a lucky break.

Good old, good old Matt.

It has been 20 years since I was dating the both of you.

I can't believe you're still jealous.

I am not jealous.

I'm not even the jealous type.

I was just trying to read the meter!

Not in those shorts, Tarzan!

Why don't you just marry Tom Cruise?!

Okay, that's enough. Break it up.

Hello.

FRANCIS: Hi, Dad.

Francis!

How's it going?

Couldn't be going better, Dad.

We're seeing the country, meeting great people.

This is the best time of our lives.

Well...

I guess your mom and I were really wrong

about your cross-country plan.

We thought it would be a disaster.

I'm not going to rub your face in it, Dad.

We're having too much fun!

No, thanks, Joe,

I couldn't take another bite of pie.

This trip has been so good for us.

We have seen so many things.

Majestic mountains, quiet little towns,

emergency opportunities for charitable giving...

That's great.

It sounds like you are really making it out there.

Yeah, so, about these charitable...

Listen, we're on our way to the zoo right now,

but you call us back next week, okay?

Love to Piama.

Oh, look how nice this is.

And it's such a beautiful day.

You have to stop making that noise.

Fine, Mom, I won't breathe.

You know, son, I hate to see you like this.

I tell you what. Why don't we get you a wax crocodile?

DEWEY: Can we see the tigers?

I'm going to go hit the monkeys.

I mean, go see the monkeys.

Look, Matt's Animals of the Rain Forest show

starts in 20 minutes.

Gee, don't want to miss that.

Can I just go wait in the car?

I mean, it's technically at the zoo.

No. And since you're so committed to being miserable,

you can be in charge of your little brother for the day.

No. Great. Let's look

at every animal first,

then decide which ones we want to go back to.

Meet back here at 5:00!

Let go of me. I don't want to be your baby-sitter.

I just want to be by myself.

Are you mad?

I'm not mad.

You sound mad.

Fine, I'm mad!

Who are you mad at?

I'm not mad!

Look, you wouldn't understand.

Yes, I would. No, you wouldn't.

You're still living in your kiddie dream world.

You don't realize you're nothing

but an insignificant speck of dust

lost in an uncaring universe full of random tragedy.

What's a lemur?

Oh, look, there's Matt. Hi, Matt!

Lo-lo!

Hi!

Hey, Matt.

Quite a zoo you got here.

I got to tell you,

this is an exciting day for us.

We don't often get a chance to spend time with the family.

You know how it is-- work, work, work!

But to tell you the truth, it's mostly my boss.

He gets off on cracking the whip.

You know, he's a real bastard.

But I got a feeling

that he's about to get the axe.

At least that's what Jimbo in marketing says.

So good to see you, Matt. Yeah.

I knew you'd end up doing something like this.

You always had all those cute animals.

Well, you didn't think Monty was so cute.

I hated that snake!

Remember the time I found him in the shower?

Hey, are your kids here?

I'd love to meet them.

Oh, yeah, yeah, they're around.

You'll recognize them.

They all look like me.

So, who's this little guy, huh?

Do you want this?

Too slow.

Hey, watch where you're going.

Big mistake, pal!

You want to go? We'll go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?

He started it.

Goats don't start it.

Get out.

Guess what I get to do.

Leave.

If we push the car till we find a mechanic,

we can pay with aluminum cans...

Francis, we've been pushing the car for two days.

I'm tired and I'm hungry.

I'm going to buy something to eat.

No, no, no! Get lottery tickets.

This is exactly the kind of time

when these things pay off.

Honey, we're not spending our last five dollars

on lottery tickets. That's crazy.

Now I'm going in there and I'm buying food. Food.

Like adults eat.

No wonder you were $3,000 under blue book.

: Cadillac? Yeah. 1974?

If you say so.

She is a beauty!

I love your American cars.

BMW could learn a thing or two

but no, everything has to be about perfect engineering.

Otto, what are you doing?

Who is this handsome boy?

Hi, I'm Francis.

I am talking cars with my new American friend.

And yes, he is very handsome.

So, Francis, you also come to the Circle K

for the wonderful hot dogs?

Actually, we were just sort of passing through

and our car broke down.

This is so lucky for you.

This is a wonderful place.

We own a dude ranch just nearby

with cows and horses and people.

We don't own the people.

We call it "The Grotto."

She is Gretchen, I am Otto-- Grotto.

You should come and visit, eh?

Oh, thanks, but

I'm out of work and we're kind of broke right now.

Wait!

I am having a thought!

Eh, it's gone.

He could work for us at the ranch.

That was my thought!

We need a ranch foreman.

Wait. I don't know the first thing about ranching.

Ah, you will learn.

I can tell you are clever.

Really, I've never...

Look me in the eye.

Yeah, I can tell. It is the job for you.

Pays $200 a week plus free room and board.

Done.

I have one question.

Yeah?

This isn't going to end up

with me cut up into little pieces

and buried in a secret basement, is it?

Nope.

You got a deal.

Okay, I got lottery tickets.

We don't need 'em.

Go away!

Get out of here!

I'm warning you.

I'm not falling for your goat mind games.

If nothing I do ever has any meaning,

then I can't care about anything,

which makes me feel even worse.

How am I supposed to ever feel happy?

Kid, I'm a zoo clown.

Now buy a giraffe or go to hell.

See, Dewey, there's a guy who understands.

Malcolm, you're at the zoo.

You have a Popsicle.

How can you be unhappy?

I wanted grape.

Tigers!

Where are they? They're not here.

What a gyp!

See, that's what I mean.

The one thing you were excited about, closed.

Maybe they're down here.

Or maybe there never were any tigers

and they just put up the signs

to build a sense of disappointment...

Dewey!

I'm okay.

You idiot,

what the hell's wrong with you?

Come on.

Let's get out of here before we get caught.

Okay, Cookie, it's payday.

Oh, that must happen a lot in the rain forest.

Okay, if I could have another volunteer.

He was pointing at me.

Oh, uh... okay.

Uh...

Could you tell everyone your name, sir?

I'm Hal. Lois's husband.

Well, Hal, are you feeling adventurous?

Would you like to meet another friend from the rain forest?

HAL: Ooh, I don't know.

Animals that can withstand rain...

Well, we better hurry, because the needless destruction

of the rain forest is going on at an alarming rate.

It's threatening thousands of helpless species each year

like... the beautiful and gentle

bird-eating tarantula.

Now I know Victor looks dangerous,

but the tarantula is actually a very gentle

and timid creature.

I am so sorry.

Victor's never done anything like that before.

Once the swelling goes down, the fangs should fall out.

This is where you will stay.

It's a guest cabin,

but you can do whatever you want to make it feel homey.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Move your furniture, put up pictures.

If you want to hammer a sandwich to the wall,

you can do it.

So, Francis, tell me,

you like horses?

I honestly have no idea.

I love horses.

Their bodies are so big and their feet are so tiny,

they make me laugh.

This is just

so generous and nice of you.

This place is so beautiful.

I never want to leave.

Oh, this is what happened to Otto.

We were on vacation and Otto was so happy

to be away from

the stress of running the factory.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

25 heart-lung machines per day,

and if you make one teeny little mistake,

boy, do you hear about it.

Don't move, don't move, don't move...

You've been saying that for 20 minutes.

I still mean it.

Do you think he's mad?

I don't know.

I don't think it matters.

Just stay quiet and try not to look like meat.

Hey, I don't think you kids

are supposed to be messing around down there.

Yeah, thank you.

Would you mind going to tell somebody

that we're down here, please?

Oh, for the love of God.

I don't think those kids are supposed to be down there.

Get us out of here!

Okay, okay...

calm down.

We train for situations like this,

and there are standard procedures we follow.

What's the limit on our liability?

No, the press release has to sound sympathetic to the boys.

But make it clear it's their fault.

No, I gave you back the key to the rifle closet.

Oh, yes I did!

Hey, you folks see the koalas?

Okay, let's take a look.

How is it?

It's much better.

It stopped weeping.

Someone wants to say he's sorry.

Apology accepted.

Okay, I'm going to go take another look for the boys.

Why don't you just rest?

Hal, I don't know what to say.

I just feel awful about what happened.

Do you really?

Of course I do.

Come on, man, I think we both know

that you've been holding a grudge

because Lois chose me over you.

Lois chose...

Wait a minute.

Is that what you think?

I just hope this makes us even,

because I can't feel my feet and you're kind of upside-down.

Hal, you've got it all wrong.

I wasn't angry at you.

The whole situation was just too much for me,

so I backed off.

What?

I mean, Lois is great,

but I wanted to be exclusive and she didn't.

On any given weekend,

I didn't know if she was with you or me or Dennis...

Dennis? Who's Dennis?

No one.

I got to go.

20 minutes ago, I was worried about which one of us

was going to be eaten by a tiger.

Now I can relax.

Okay, kids, the tigers didn't go for the steaks we threw down.

The problem is

they're attracted to you because you're alive,

like their natural prey.

There's a "but" coming, right?

Well, no.

But we have things under control.

We're going to fire tranquilizer darts at the tigers.

How long do they take to work?

Less than two minutes.

So, the plan is

to piss them off and keep them awake

just long enough so they can take it out on us?

Hold on a sec.

Okay, these people are idiots.

Malcolm, it'll be okay.

Yeah, Dewey, I hope so, too, but...

I'm not hoping.

I know it'll be fine.

You can't know that.

Yes, I can.

No, you can't.

Yes, I can.

I do. I know we'll be fine.

Okay, just sit tight a few more minutes.

Apparently they had a similar situation in D.C.,

and we're trying to find out exactly what went wrong there.

But the main thing is everything's going to be okay.

See?

Sorry. Excuse me.

Excuse me, I need to get through.

I'm looking for my kids.

There's no kids here, that's for sure.

Lois? Hal?

What are you doing here? You should be lying down.

Yes, I should, but then I had a conversation with Matt

who informed me that there was another guy you were dating

while you were dating us.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God... Hal...

Hal, I'm sorry.

I... I meant to tell you.

I-I should have told you.

I just-- I could never find the right time,

and I was never that serious about Larry anyway.

Who the hell is Larry?

I'm talking about Dennis!

Dennis, right, that's who I meant.

Oh, my God, who are you?

Hal, please... can we discuss this tonight?

Well, I don't know, Lois.

Maybe you have a date.

Okay, in the first place, this was all over 20 years ago.

And second, it doesn't matter because I love you.

And third, you were the one dating that slut manicurist!

Here is where we put the houses for the horses.

And here will be your office.

You have pens in one drawer and paper in the other.

First, I put them in the same drawer together,

but no, that did not work.

But if you want to try it that way, you're the boss, huh?

Ah, here is Zeke.

Zeke, meet Francis.

Howdy. How y'all doing?

He is the new ranch foreman.

He will be in charge of the livestock,

of the feeding schedules,

of the equipment rental...

well, everything.

I must go and set up the buffet.

I'm sure you have lots of cowboy things to talk about, huh?

All right, look, I might as well tell you now,

'cause you're going to find out in about 30 seconds anyway.

I'm not a real cowboy.

My name isn't even Zeke, it's Murray,

and I have no idea what in the hell I'm doing around here.

You have no idea?

I've never worked on a ranch in my life.

Really? Yeah. I've never even been

near a horse you don't put quarters in.

Oh, that's great.

Listen, you know, you stepped into a gold mine here.

I mean, the people who run this place are absolute idiots.

Oh, I don't know. They seem really nice.

"Nice" isn't the word for it.

I mean, you don't have to do a lick of work

and they'll still pay you.

You're kidding? I'm telling you,

all we got to do is watch each other's backs

and we can milk these people for all they're worth.

What do you think?

I think you're fired.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to find out if this is for me or the horse.

HAL: You broke our agreement!

What agreement?!

We never had an agreement!

It was a mutual understanding!

At least on my end!

You are overreacting.

So, I was dating a few guys when we met--

what difference does it make?

A few? Well, how many were there, Lois?

Don't you get it? It doesn't matter.

You won! It's history. It's over.

Your engagement ring is not a family heirloom.

What?

I lied to you. I bought it.

So you bought it.

For someone else.

Someone else?

I'm sorry.

I have kept that secret for so many years.

It's haunted me.

Look, I always knew

that I had to tell you, but I didn't know how.

Who was it?

Farrah Fawcett.

I was 15.

I knew there were a lot of guys after her,

but I thought that if I had an actual ring to give her

that I would stand apart from those other idiots.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you this before now.

Well, why don't we just call it even.

: Hey, Randy, it's Bill.

Are those two kids still trapped in the tiger den?

Okay, everybody, calm down.

Calm down.

I'm obviously just picking up a transmission

from the zoo down the road.

Reese and Malcolm?

Malcolm and Dewey.

Reese wouldn't last 30 seconds.

I think Stanley's getting angry.

You named them?

That's Stanley.

That's French Fry.

Dewey, I want to tell you something.

I love you.

Don't say that!

It's true.

I love you so much.

You're just saying that

'cause you think we're going to die.

This is all part of your hating life thing.

You're wrong. I love life.

I realize that now.

It's imperfect, but I love that, too.

And I love Mom and Dad and Francis

and even Reese. I love you all.

Stop it. We're going to be fine.

Why don't you stop it, Dewey?

Why don't you stop pretending everything's great

and tell me you love me, okay?

We're not going to die!

Yes, we are! We're going to die!

This is the ultimate proof that I was right all along!

And I don't need some stupid little kid

giving me fake reassurances!

Well, I don't need some crybaby brother

taking all the fun out of being at the zoo!

Oh, my God!

You're just in a bad mood.

We'll get out of this.

No, we won't. Give it up, Dewey.

Superman isn't going to fly in here and save us.

In your face, goat! Who's laughing...

Open up, open up!

Ever since the zoo, I've had a new lease on life.

It's amazing how something as simple

as almost being eaten by tigers can put things in perspective.

It just feels so good to be happy again.

Of course, why do I

always have to learn my lessons the hard way?

No one else does.

I mean, why does the universe think it has to almost kill me

to get a point across?

My life sucks.

I'm going to bed.

No, Francis, everything turned out fine.

We agreed not to sue them,

and they agreed not to throw Reese in jail.

Enough about that. Tell me about your new job.

Oh, it's great.

I've learned so much already.

Say, while you were at the zoo,

you didn't happen to see any animals giving birth, did you?

No. Why?

Just curious.

Never mind.

Almost there, sweetie. Just one more push.