Original subtitles

But, Dad, if Paul Crap was a real player, why would anyone sign him?

He was signed by Awful FC,

but that's when they were managed by Barry Rubbish.

How rubbish is Barry Rubbish? Plays a 2-4-3 system.

But that doesn't add up to ten. That's how rubbish he is.

They were 2-0 down once, after no minutes.

Do you think they'd have been better off if they hadn't signed

Geoff Always Stuck In The Toilet? Absolutely. One, two, three, woo!

Right, let's go swimming.

This programme contains some strong language.

You ready to get wet? Are you ready to get wet? You ready to get wet? Come on, darling.

We're going to go swimming. Swimming!

Come on, Rosie. ROSIE WHINES

Mummy and Daddy are wet.

Come on, we're all wet now.

ROSIE WHINES

Rosie, you love swimming, come on.

Come on. Time to have fun, come on.

Let's just get our feet wet, look.

One foot, one foot, one foot. Come on, just one foot. That's it.

OK. Wahey!

That's it. Come on, darling. Let's have some splashy fun.

There's a good girl. You love that, don't you?

It's great, isn't it? You love swimming, don't you?

Maybe we should sing the Dingle Dangle Scarecrow Song.

Ow, ow. Rosie, don't bite Mummy.

Don't bite Mummy.

ROSIE GROANS No, no snargling. Come on.

Ah! Shall we just go?

No, she loves swimming.

We're going to stay here until she has some swimming fun.

No! Rosie. Rosie.

Start enjoying yourself, do you understand?

ROSIE GROANS

Excuse me, but Max was playing with that.

We shouldn't really be snatching.

What's wrong with some people? What's wrong? How long have you got?

ROSIE GROANS

AIR HISSES

Oh. Er...

I'm really sorry. It's OK, darling.

The little girl just didn't realise that Sharky was yours.

ROSIE SQUEALS

I think we should go. Ben, we're going to go.

Well done, Rosie. You had to ruin it again.

I don't know what you're pointing at, Rosie.

No, Rosie, come on, come on.

ROSIE WHINES

Is everything OK? Yeah, it's fine, yeah.

We brought her here for a treat.

ROSIE WHINES

If you just hold her up. I am.

You know the mistake we made?

We thought that the swimming pool was Rosie's favourite place.

It turns out, it's the place she absolutely hates most in the world.

All right. Just keep your arms down, darling. I don't understand.

Do you think her brain is going through the terrible twos...

..only with a body of an eighth-level barbarian?

Strength, constitution, dexterity, all 18.

And intelligence, three.

Yeah, but charisma, 18, and definitely alignment, chaotic good.

You've actually thought about this, haven't you?

You've probably worked out what Dungeons & Dragons characters

we'd all be. Yeah, of course. Am I an elf warlock? Well, yeah.

And is Dad something stupid like a druid? Yeah, orc druid.

Oh, you're such a sad little dork.

So lucky that I found you and took you in.

Cast a druid spell, you mean,

so Mum wouldn't be put off by your ugliness. A charm of unvomiting.

Well, she's definitely not intelligence, three.

I mean, yeah, she's never going to win The Chase,

but her cognition is way beyond her communication. Really?

Yeah, you saw when she was pointing. It's not that she hated swimming,

it's that she just wanted to go somewhere else. So we're all idiots.

Yeah, I just think we need to find better ways of problem solving

to find out what Rosie wants. What Rosie wants.

I think most psychologists would go for Mini Cheddars.

No, don't kick it.

Come on, come on. Head through.

And the noise he makes when he's eating at his desk.

How do you slurp a dry biscuit?

It sounds like he's going down on a Hobnob.

Oh! And that scent he wears. Honestly, it's like Lynx Estonia.

I'm worried the plants in the office might die. Mm.

Genuinely, he uses so much, I think he might have buried a body

and needs to mask the smell.

I need you to come back soon, mate.

Any ideas how much more maternity leave you're taking? Ohh.

I don't know, I don't know.

I don't know if I CAN come back.

SHE SIGHS HEAVILY

What a clever boy.

RINGING TONE

I'll come and play with you in a minute.

Hi, hon.

Why haven't you been answering?

Rubbish reception, sorry. What was it?

The health visitor wants to come on Thursday.

It's print day Friday, we're really up against it.

What if it's first thing?

I'm not good at those sort of meetings, some po-faced

do-gooder going through the recycling bin, counting bottles.

She wants to come check on Rosie.

I don't think I'm free.

Well, can you come to the hospital appointment on the 22nd?

What was that one?

It's the geneticist.

You have to be there because they need a DNA sample from all of us.

Well, in that case, I'll just need a cubicle and a Wi-Fi password.

It's a blood sample. It was a joke.

I could see if I can move some stuff around.

It's for Rosie. Just do it.

OK. Bye. Bye-bye.

HE SIGHS

You know those solicitors that phone you up asking

if you've had an accident that wasn't your fault?

Do you think Rosie counts?

I could get some money.

They could put a health and safety warning sign up by Emily's vagina.

All fun back at the ranch?

Och, you know.

It's like two co-workers who don't get on

running a nursery Ofsted rate as poor.

Co-workers? And you do...what?

Well, yeah, she does most of the work,

but I'm more a mood merchant. You're head of vibes.

No. It's just all so fucking serious all the time!

I think parenting is supposed to be.

What about...going away?

Like a country-hotel dirty weekend?

I'm flattered, Hels, but I don't think it would feel right

between us. You're Ben's godmother.

Hilarious misunderstanding, Si!

Hang on.

Why aren't I Rosie's godmother?

God had nothing to do with that.

Seriously, take Emily away somewhere.

If you're going to sit in tetchy silence,

you might as well do it somewhere with a nice bar.

Speaking of which, I had an insane date on Tuesday.

Guess where he suggested we meet.

A million guesses.

HMS Belfast!

Genuinely.

So we met at 6.30...

If we went away, she'd insist on bringing the kids.

Sorry, Si.

Forgot we're only allowed to talk about you.

ROSIE MOANING

All right, OK. We've stopped swimming now, Rosie.

We've stopped going swimming.

What did you WANT to do? What did you want to do, darling?

Did you want to go swimming or to the park?

Did you want to go swimming or to the park?

Good girl! Good girl.

Rosie, would you rather go to the park or eat a bucket of sick?

Rosie, who do you love more - Daddy or the Poo-Poo Monster?

She may have actually understood that one.

There must be a way of finding out what Rosie wants to do.

At school, they've got a board with pictures,

like the playground and the gym, sensory room.

Maybe we could do that. Maybe we could, you know,

find pictures of the swimming pool,

the library, the snakes' playground, the paddling pool,

Forest of Tees.

Why don't I go and take those pictures now?

I can use my new phone.

Yeah, then I can take the kids back and give them lunch!

Well, you know I can't drive, I'm being helpful.

Yeah, no. I can see that. Yeah? Yeah, yeah.

See you later, kids.

Si, I think we can just print them out and staple them in a booklet.

I don't think we're going to exhibit them anywhere.

SHUTTER CLICKS

Didn't realise there was homework.

What?

Whatever the doctor is about to tell me

will only make me love you even more.

Hello. I'm Dr Pritchard, one of the genetics doctors here.

Hello. Emily. So you're like Professor Xavier?

From The X-Men.

Please take a seat.

And...

..let's have a look at...Rosie, is it?

Rosie, if we went out again later, where would you want to go?

What does Rosie want?

COMPUTER VOICE: I want...

One.

Two.

Man.

One, two, man.

One, two, man.

One, two, man? What does that mean, Rosie?

One, two, man.

Come on. Eat your fish finger, hon.

It's full of Omega juice, it's good for the brain.

ROSIE WHINES

One, two, man. Is that songs?

# One, two, three, four, five

# Once I caught a fish alive... #

Oh, you can't just eat chips, Rosie.

Is "one, two, man" a different song?

Is it the rollover song?

# There were ten in the bed and the little one said

# "Roll over, roll over!"

# So, they all rolled over and one fell out... #

ROSIE WHINES

# There were nine in the bed and the...

Mum, I really don't think

it's the one about people falling out the bed.

Yeah, but YOU love that song, right?

I mean, I'm partially singing it for you.

PHONE ALERT

Hi. All OK?

Yeah, she keeps writing, "One, two, man" on the AAC.

Has she done that with you? Er... No, what does that mean?

I don't know. I thought it was maybe songs -

One, Two, Buckle My Shoe - but she doesn't seem terribly bothered.

"One, two, man." Maybe it IS songs.

Maybe she wants that guy that runs the group at the library.

The one that will sell his soul to be on kids' telly. Yes!

That makes sense.

Ah! Not just a pretty face.

I'm not saying I can read minds, but I think I can read hearts.

All right, Deanna - as in Troi, not Princess of Hearts.

Where are you? Just in the Forest of Tees.

May as well get some more of these pictures. I'm on a roll.

All right, then. See you in a bit.

OK. Bye. Bye-bye.

Ben...

See if you can get the library up on Street View.

ROSIE LAUGHS

It's Grandad Gandalf. Is he One, Two Man?

Oh, right. Um...

Find Albert Street Library.

Is it the library?

Mm. OK.

Put in Mark Cross - Sing-along Song Time.

That's him.

ROSIE MOANS

Fair enough. No, I suppose Daddy was wrong.

Have a look at her search history.

Let's have a look.

Oh, my God!

Maybe we shouldn't let her go on the iPad so much.

I get an hour a day! Well, you've got homework.

I think Rosie could do with it more than me. I know, sweetie.

I know life is hard.

Gosh! How does she find all this?

What's the most recent stuff she's been watching?

Alphabet songs. Mm. Anything else?

Hippo doing a poo. Mm.

Videos of sweetcorn.

More letter songs.

People at the gym.

Russian newsreaders.

More videos of sweetcorn.

Peppa Pig blog. SHE SIGHS

Anything with numbers? Yeah, number songs.

OK. Is it this?

Is it a number song?

ROSIE MOANS

Hm.

So, she's in the ninth percentile for weight and the second percentile

for height, but all her head measurements

are below the second percentile.

Yes. I think I can agree there's pronounced microcephaly.

I think there are potential indications

of dysmorphia.

Does she have circulatory issues?

Yeah, she gets cold peripheries.

OK. Thank you, Rosie.

So, the next step will be to find the cause of the microcephaly.

Now, it's standard to get the parents to complete a questionnaire.

The questions are routine - were there any infections

during the pregnancy? Any alcohol misuse?

Is that me or her?

We'd be more concerned with your wife, in that case.

We'll also do an MRI scan of your daughter's brain.

Is that to check to see if there are any structural abnormalities?

Yes. There can be rare causes, such as prenatal stroke,

that we need to rule out.

However, a genetic cause is more likely.

Now, there are no genetically inherited conditions

in your history, so...

..a random event, such as micro-deletion

or micro-duplication is more likely.

There may be a part of a chromosome missing,

or one with an extra bit of material,

or something out of sequence.

So, SHE might be an X-Man.

I don't think she's got any superpowers, though.

Unless you count really massive bowel movements.

Does she have unusual bowel movements?

No, I was just ki... I'm joking.

Sorry.

Um...

So, what would this genetic testing involve?

Let me just get some consent forms.

Don't apologise for me.

I'm trying to concentrate on what he's saying.

Now, what I would say is, there are literally billions

of potential genetic complications.

It's unlikely that these tests will provide any quick,

easy answers.

Now, our greatest diagnostic tool

when it comes to developmental delay is time.

Your daughter may just be slow or may have an abnormal condition.

If she consistently fails to meet milestones over a period of time,

then we might start getting excited.

Sorry...

Did you just say excited?

OK. Well, these are the forms. I'll need your signatures.

Hello.

Hiya.

Erm...

My daughter's mentally disabled.

Oh, no, she's not here. She's at home.

So, why are you taking pictures of these children?

I'm not. I mean...

I am, but...

It's because I need a picture of a paddling pool.

I'm making a book, erm...

I can pixelate their faces. Which ones are yours?

Do you want me to delete them?

I don't look creepy, do I?

God, I can't believe I'm married to you.

Come on, this is hardly the face of a sex monster.

Oh, I think having an iPhone full of pictures of graves and semi-naked

children doesn't help.

They are tasteful.

Inconceivable, anyone could think that of me.

Of any parent.

I mean, once you have them in bed and asleep,

the last thing anyone wants to do is wake them up.

Hmm.

Do you want to sign up for this 100,000 Genome Project?

What is it?

It's the new national programme for rare genetic conditions.

I mean, all we can hope for from the doctors,

really, is that they keep testing and testing and testing and then,

maybe one day, they'll be able to say for certain

that it's all your fault.

Mmm. Yes.

And it's so... so not my fault.

Well... I feel bad. But it really isn't.

It's far more likely that it's one of your,

you know, little, weedy little... I know.

..crappy little sperms that somehow just,

you know, through sheer effort, somehow managed to win the race.

They were a bit like the underdog, a bit like the underdog of sperm,

like the Leicester City of sperm.

It would be good to get some answers, though, wouldn't it?

Sure.

Yeah? I'll make an appointment?

I mean, all the...

The recent tests, you know, the Rubinstein-Taybi,

Angelman, are just guesswork.

What they need to do is kind of work out what lack of chromosome means

you're obsessed with videos of women on treadmills,

Croatian clips on how pasta is made and...

..songs about X-rays.

Hmm.

One, two, man.

She just, she keeps typing it.

It's not the library.

OK. Are you going to obsess about this all night?

Yeah, probably. Yeah.

Do you think it's the snakes' playground?

The snakes have got numbers on them, look.

Look.

Why "man"? Don't know. Maybe because there's no button for snake.

Do you think that's it?

Will it mean I can listen to the match analysis?

Yeah, could be the snakes' playground.

Yeah, could be, couldn't it?

You're such an adorable dork.

"Excited"? What does he mean, excited?

What, he's going to sell her to a Victorian freak show?

Like she's his Elephant Man?

No, he's just a geneticist.

He thinks he's going to get a syndrome named after him.

Well, I think there's probably already a Prichard's syndrome.

Well, boo-hoo, he's going to have to have Prichard II syndrome,

like when you're too late to get an e-mail account.

She's not some specimen to be probed and prodded.

She's our daughter. Seriously, does it, does it even matter what she's got? Well, yes.

She's just our Rosie, that's all.

Her condition might be linked to other problems,

cardiac, renal, neurological.

So we'll deal with it if it happens.

As long as we love her.

Don't need some dork trying to solve her like a sudoku.

Well, I do!

You know, all the touchy-feely bullshit, that's brilliant,

but if there's some little Rain Man somewhere who wants

to spend his time shifting through Rosie's DNA to get his

eureka moment, then, great.

So you're fine with him getting excited?

Yes, I am.

I am fine with it because I want to get excited.

I want him to solve it because I want to solve it.

Uh-hm.

So is that all this is about,

all these tables and graphs and lists?

Because it looks like you're revising for an exam. It's what I do.

I find answers, and right now, I don't even know what the fucking

questions are.

So is that all Rosie is to you, just a problem to solve?

No, I just want to know that one day, there will be something

that I CAN solve.

Well, I can't deal with this.

I just...

..can't deal with it.

ROSIE WAILS You all right, Rosie?

Mmm.

TV PLAYS

Do you want to go out?

Uhh. What?

Daddy's just watching this. Mum and Ben will be home in a bit.

We'll go out then, OK?

Ugh.

No, Rosie!

Naughty Rosie! Ugh! What's one of the rules?

Never hurt the telly. Telly's our friend.

The telly is like a parent.

You do not throw shoes at the telly.

SHE GRUNTS

Ahh! All right, all right, all right. All right, we'll go out.

Come on. Where do you want to go?

Is it one, two, man?

Is it the snakes' playground?

Hm? Shall we try the snakes' playground?

One, two, three. Mmm.

One, two, three. Ugh.

Yeah? Mmm.

I've literally no idea what you want, Honey Bunny.

No biting, no, no, no, come on. Ugh!

No.

Hey. Hi, mate.

Hey.

All right, you just stay there till you figure out what you want.

Muggins again, looking after the munchkins.

Yeah, Emily's dragged Ben out shopping for school shoes.

I just packed Claire off for a spa day. Right.

Yeah. Yeah, just grabbing some fresh air before the match starts.

Oh, right, yeah.

You know, I hear they're going to drop Farrell, bring George Ford in.

They've got to sort out that scrum-half situation

before the Tri-Nations, it's ridiculous.

Oh, right, no, I was talking about Liverpool v West Brom,

the 12.30 kick-off, the...

Oh, soccer! Yeah.

It's just, I'm more of an oval-ball man myself.

Right.

Yeah.

Right, I'd...

..better make sure she's not getting up to even more mischief. Yeah.

See you later. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, oh, it's all right.

No, it's all right.

I'll take her. This your daddy, yeah?

Yeah, I'm her dad. She can't talk.

Erm... Seriously, I'm her, I'm her dad.

I'm not a child snatcher. If I was,

I wouldn't start with her. She's a nightmare.

Ugh. It's all right, it's just a stupid joke.

Rosie, hi, are you OK? Have you hurt yourself?

Yeah, she's just had a little bump.

Sorry, I just didn't know.

No, no, no, no, it's fine. Best to check. It's just, she's mentally

disabled, so... I mean, mentally handicapped.

Learning-handicapped.

Which one is it? Learning-disabled.

Oh, oh.

DOOR OPENS

You stink of fags. How's it going, Buffy?

What?

Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

You know, with the weight of the world on your shoulders,

apparently. Yeah, well, that's how it seems.

It's a joke, Em. I just tried a little joke.

Whatever.

Oh, lighten up, just...

..lighten up!

Let's go away.

Country hotel or something.

A couple of days, just us. I can't. You know I can't.

I have to look after Rosie. What about your mum?

A couple of days. A couple of days?

You have no idea what it takes to deal with her.

I deal with her. You don't.

You CAN'T deal with her. I can deal with Rosie.

I can't fucking deal with you.

Can you not swear in front of my children?

Your children? Oh, they're YOUR children now.

Yeah. Yeah, I deal with them.

They're MY children.

What I can't deal with, I can't deal with all the data

and the lists.

Oh, Jesus Christ, these lists.

You are so fucking boring, Emily.

Yeah, yeah, I'm really boring. I'm really boring. Yeah.

I hate being boring, but, you know...

I have to do the boring stuff, Si, because you don't.

Oh, yeah, I'm useless. Fine, fine.

If I'm, if I'm so useless, why don't you leave?

Oh, I will.

No, I WILL, Si,

just not top of my list.

It's ON my list, though.

Seriously, do I look dodgy?

Do I need to start carrying around a CRB certificate?

Wear it on my arm, like bouncers do?

Oh, darling.

Yeah, if the dark vigilantes of justice come to the door,

we'll protect you, won't we? I won't. Help, help!

He's keeping us prisoner! I want my real dad!

You shut up or I'll send you out shoe shopping again.

Don't even joke about that. One, two, man.

Well, one, two, man hasn't got anything to do with the snakes'

playground, so you got that wrong.

One, two, man.

One, two, man.

I don't think that it's one, two, man.

I think...

The T goes with the one, and the woo goes with the man.

So it's like, "want woman, want woman".

Rosie, do you want woman?

ROSIE COOS

So, like, want woman? Woman.

Want woman. Want woman?

So... Oh, Rosie, do you want woman on the treadmill?

Eeee...

That's like proper cognitive thinking!

How did she get to that? You solved the problem, you clever, clever boy.

Want woman. Rosie, you clever girl!

You clever, clever, clever girl! Aren't you?

She's mentally disabled!

Oh, I mean learning-disabled!

She has a thing about watching women on treadmills!

She's loads of videos of them on her iPad.

MUSIC: Between The Devil And The Deep Blue Sea by George Harrison

# I don't want you

# But I hate to lose you

# You got me in-between

# The devil and the deep blue sea

# I should hate you

# But I guess I love you

# You got me in-between

# The devil and the deep blue sea

# You got me in-between

# The devil and the deep blue sea. #