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1
00:00:01,699 --> 00:00:04,248
Well, I think this was
a pretty successful first outing
2
00:00:04,249 --> 00:00:05,298
of the Shulman & Associates
3
00:00:05,299 --> 00:00:07,318
Musical Theater
Appreciation Society.
4
00:00:07,319 --> 00:00:08,408
Do you think so?
Do you think it was?
5
00:00:08,409 --> 00:00:10,258
Because I paid a fortune
6
00:00:10,259 --> 00:00:12,338
for two "Hamilton" tickets
and you got us kicked out
7
00:00:12,339 --> 00:00:15,208
in the first act by climbing
up on stage to freestyle.
8
00:00:15,209 --> 00:00:16,218
It is not my fault.
9
00:00:16,219 --> 00:00:17,258
All of the non-white people
were doing it.
10
00:00:17,259 --> 00:00:18,468
They were the cast!
You know what?
11
00:00:18,469 --> 00:00:21,308
Waiter, can we get
the check, please?
12
00:00:21,309 --> 00:00:22,408
That's been taken care of
for you, sir.
13
00:00:22,409 --> 00:00:24,208
Someone already paid
for your meal.
14
00:00:24,209 --> 00:00:25,248
- Oh.
- Okay.
15
00:00:25,249 --> 00:00:26,358
Cool, thanks.
Let's get out of here.
16
00:00:26,359 --> 00:00:28,268
Well, no, don't you want
to find out who paid for us?
17
00:00:28,269 --> 00:00:29,368
Okay, this has happened before.
18
00:00:29,369 --> 00:00:30,418
We need to get
the hell out of here
19
00:00:30,419 --> 00:00:32,468
before they realize
I'm not CeeLo Green, okay?
20
00:00:32,469 --> 00:00:34,198
- Okay.
- Let's ghost.
21
00:00:34,199 --> 00:00:35,338
Okay, obviously,
we have to find out
22
00:00:35,339 --> 00:00:36,418
who paid for the meal, Mindy.
23
00:00:36,419 --> 00:00:38,229
[phone buzzing]
24
00:00:38,230 --> 00:00:39,881
You're welcome for dinner,
beautiful.
25
00:00:39,882 --> 00:00:41,349
Oh, my God, they're texting me.
26
00:00:44,349 --> 00:00:45,603
[phone buzzes]
27
00:00:45,863 --> 00:00:48,038
I'll give you a hint.
He's a studly dude from your past.
28
00:00:48,039 --> 00:00:50,249
My SAT tutor
is buying us dinner.
29
00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:52,839
I'm way hotter than your SAT tutor,
babe.
30
00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:55,196
Look straight ahead, dummy!
31
00:00:56,439 --> 00:00:57,478
Mic drop.
32
00:00:57,479 --> 00:00:59,368
[utensil clatters]
33
00:00:59,369 --> 00:01:01,743
[hip-hop music]
34
00:01:01,744 --> 00:01:04,127
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/
35
00:01:07,219 --> 00:01:08,238
- Hi!
- What up, Min?
36
00:01:08,239 --> 00:01:09,368
- Hey.
- How are you?
37
00:01:09,369 --> 00:01:11,298
Looking good.
Whoa, Jeremy!
38
00:01:11,299 --> 00:01:12,438
Look like you dropped
some LBs, man.
39
00:01:12,439 --> 00:01:14,318
Thank you for noticing.
40
00:01:14,319 --> 00:01:16,288
Yes, nobody understands
my struggle.
41
00:01:16,289 --> 00:01:18,448
It... it's one man
against his food
42
00:01:18,449 --> 00:01:19,448
but with his food.
43
00:01:19,449 --> 00:01:21,398
Yeah, and Mindy, you look great.
44
00:01:21,399 --> 00:01:22,438
What?
45
00:01:22,439 --> 00:01:23,478
Yeah, motherhood
definitely suits you.
46
00:01:23,479 --> 00:01:25,398
- Thank you very much.
- Yeah.
47
00:01:25,399 --> 00:01:27,298
I found that motherhood really
48
00:01:27,299 --> 00:01:31,248
kind of, like, stretched me out
in, like, all the right places.
49
00:01:31,249 --> 00:01:33,238
- But not down there.
- Super good to know.
50
00:01:33,239 --> 00:01:35,288
- What are you doing here?
- My shoe company, Dope Feat,
51
00:01:35,289 --> 00:01:37,408
we're opening a flagship store
here in NYC,
52
00:01:37,409 --> 00:01:40,298
- so it's 'bout to be the bomb.
- [laughs]
53
00:01:40,299 --> 00:01:41,458
Only two white people
are allowed in the store
54
00:01:41,459 --> 00:01:43,398
at one time.
Apparently, that's legal.
55
00:01:43,399 --> 00:01:45,208
You know, I actually saw
some junior high kids
56
00:01:45,209 --> 00:01:46,358
wearing your sneakers,
and I was like,
57
00:01:46,359 --> 00:01:48,248
"I slept with the guy
who started that company."
58
00:01:48,249 --> 00:01:49,248
- Right.
- [whistles]
59
00:01:49,249 --> 00:01:50,338
Oh, these are my boys.
60
00:01:50,339 --> 00:01:52,348
I've been hanging
with my OG NYC crew lately.
61
00:01:52,349 --> 00:01:54,478
Awesome. I like your vibe.
Nice to meet you guys.
62
00:01:54,479 --> 00:01:56,348
Uh, we've already met.
63
00:01:56,349 --> 00:01:58,308
At you guys's
kinda sorta wedding thing.
64
00:01:58,309 --> 00:02:00,238
Yeah, got you guys
a NutriBullet.
65
00:02:00,239 --> 00:02:01,288
Never got it back.
66
00:02:01,289 --> 00:02:03,198
That's right, I returned it
for store credit
67
00:02:03,199 --> 00:02:04,228
'cause I didn't like it.
68
00:02:04,229 --> 00:02:05,368
I'm so sorry, of course,
now I remember.
69
00:02:05,369 --> 00:02:08,248
Mike, Garret, Althium.
70
00:02:08,249 --> 00:02:09,248
- My name's Marcus.
- Marcus.
71
00:02:09,249 --> 00:02:10,248
Marcus?
Both: Yeah.
72
00:02:10,249 --> 00:02:11,468
I'm really feeling
Althium for you.
73
00:02:11,469 --> 00:02:14,398
- Is that a pill?
- That's not a name, for sure.
74
00:02:14,399 --> 00:02:16,358
Could be that.
I think maybe, like,
75
00:02:16,359 --> 00:02:19,318
we'll catch up another time.
Let's get dinner and hang.
76
00:02:19,319 --> 00:02:21,248
That would be so much fun.
77
00:02:21,249 --> 00:02:24,338
Uh, yeah, I was thinking more
of, like, a one-on-one thing.
78
00:02:24,339 --> 00:02:26,408
Oh, right, yes.
Yeah, yeah, sorry.
79
00:02:26,409 --> 00:02:29,328
This is a bit awkward, Min.
It's homies' night.
80
00:02:29,329 --> 00:02:30,388
Me and Mindy.
81
00:02:30,389 --> 00:02:31,438
Really?
82
00:02:31,439 --> 00:02:33,328
No, okay.
83
00:02:33,329 --> 00:02:35,269
Have fun.
Good.
84
00:02:37,892 --> 00:02:40,198
Guys, is this weird?
85
00:02:40,199 --> 00:02:42,308
Casey's in back town
and he asked me to dinner.
86
00:02:42,309 --> 00:02:45,298
[sighs] You're always bursting
up in here, talking about,
87
00:02:45,299 --> 00:02:46,478
"Hey, guys, is this weird?"
88
00:02:46,479 --> 00:02:49,278
What about what's weird
that's going on in our lives?
89
00:02:49,279 --> 00:02:51,338
I keep seeing the number 16
everywhere.
90
00:02:51,339 --> 00:02:53,468
The thing is, guys,
I'm just still really attracted
91
00:02:53,469 --> 00:02:55,368
to his hot face and body,
you know,
92
00:02:55,369 --> 00:02:57,198
and his business is taking off.
93
00:02:57,199 --> 00:02:58,288
Maybe I should give
him another shot,
94
00:02:58,289 --> 00:02:59,348
like America did
with Chris Brown
95
00:02:59,349 --> 00:03:00,438
and wars in Iraq.
96
00:03:00,439 --> 00:03:03,208
No, no, no, no,
we're not doing that, okay?
97
00:03:03,209 --> 00:03:05,238
You never get back
with an ex, okay?
98
00:03:05,239 --> 00:03:06,428
If they didn't like you
with 20 dogs,
99
00:03:06,429 --> 00:03:08,248
they're not gonna
like you with 40.
100
00:03:08,249 --> 00:03:10,268
Yeah, it's
a losing proposition, Mindy.
101
00:03:10,269 --> 00:03:11,438
Eh, give him another shot.
102
00:03:11,439 --> 00:03:13,368
He took care of things
in the sack.
103
00:03:13,369 --> 00:03:15,368
Thanks, Beverly.
That's what I wanted to hear,
104
00:03:15,369 --> 00:03:17,218
so that's what I'm gonna
listen to.
105
00:03:17,219 --> 00:03:18,408
Guys, I'm gonna date
Casey again.
106
00:03:18,409 --> 00:03:20,288
- Great work, everybody.
- I think this is actually...
107
00:03:20,289 --> 00:03:21,418
- I think that's great.
- You know what?
108
00:03:21,419 --> 00:03:22,458
Just take my stuff
and put it in my office.
109
00:03:22,459 --> 00:03:24,428
- Exes are trick...
- [murmurs]
110
00:03:24,429 --> 00:03:27,599
You know what, I'm gonna
talk to her in private.
111
00:03:29,439 --> 00:03:34,328
[whistling]
112
00:03:34,329 --> 00:03:36,418
Someone's in a good mood,
for dating a virgin.
113
00:03:36,419 --> 00:03:39,348
Wait, how are you dating
someone without having sex?
114
00:03:39,349 --> 00:03:41,328
You can't take a plane flight
without having sex.
115
00:03:41,329 --> 00:03:44,218
We stayed up all night
talking on her fire escape.
116
00:03:44,219 --> 00:03:46,188
I asked about her hopes
and dreams,
117
00:03:46,189 --> 00:03:47,458
and I really listened
to what she said.
118
00:03:47,459 --> 00:03:48,478
That's a first for me.
119
00:03:48,479 --> 00:03:50,288
You know, I think
a relationship is ab...
120
00:03:50,289 --> 00:03:52,198
- Good-bye, everybody.
- Eh.
121
00:03:52,199 --> 00:03:54,288
[whistling]
122
00:03:54,289 --> 00:03:57,208
Oh, my God, Dr. L,
stop everything.
123
00:03:57,209 --> 00:03:58,408
- Yeah, stop.
- Wait, Tamra.
124
00:03:58,409 --> 00:04:00,318
I'm writing a letter
of complaint to Brookstone.
125
00:04:00,319 --> 00:04:02,348
Their heated toilet seat
burned my butt.
126
00:04:02,349 --> 00:04:04,268
Don't look, don't look.
I'm very embarrassed of it.
127
00:04:04,269 --> 00:04:05,318
Okay, so you're well aware
128
00:04:05,319 --> 00:04:07,228
of my award-winning
lifestyle blog, right?
129
00:04:07,229 --> 00:04:08,228
"Tamra's Shade Shack"?
130
00:04:08,229 --> 00:04:09,298
Are you kidding?
I live my life by it.
131
00:04:09,299 --> 00:04:11,258
I'm no longer number one
in web traffic
132
00:04:11,259 --> 00:04:13,338
for New York City.
Guess who's beating me?
133
00:04:13,339 --> 00:04:14,398
"Celibacy and the City,"
134
00:04:14,399 --> 00:04:17,288
the tell-all blog
of a 30-something virgin.
135
00:04:17,289 --> 00:04:18,318
Oh, my God, "Cosmo" recommended
136
00:04:18,319 --> 00:04:20,228
that I get into this site
this spring.
137
00:04:20,229 --> 00:04:22,318
Well, that and pegging.
I only have time for one.
138
00:04:22,319 --> 00:04:23,318
Obviously, I'm leaning
towards pegging.
139
00:04:23,319 --> 00:04:24,348
I think you should try pegging.
140
00:04:24,349 --> 00:04:26,188
So in her newest post
this morning,
141
00:04:26,189 --> 00:04:27,388
she's talking about
her gentleman suitor,
142
00:04:27,389 --> 00:04:29,238
"Colonel Suspenders,"
143
00:04:29,239 --> 00:04:31,468
who she stayed up all night
talking with on her fire escape.
144
00:04:31,469 --> 00:04:33,268
Does this sound familiar?
145
00:04:33,269 --> 00:04:34,378
Oh... my God.
146
00:04:34,379 --> 00:04:36,218
O... MG.
147
00:04:36,219 --> 00:04:37,278
So you know what
we have to do, right?
148
00:04:37,279 --> 00:04:38,308
Uh, yeah, he's our friend.
149
00:04:38,309 --> 00:04:39,398
We have to tell him
what's going on.
150
00:04:39,399 --> 00:04:41,318
Are you out of your mind?
We're not gonna tell him
151
00:04:41,319 --> 00:04:43,198
so we can find out
all about his love life.
152
00:04:43,199 --> 00:04:45,228
Oh, yeah, 'cause Dr. K's
the only one of y'all
153
00:04:45,229 --> 00:04:46,594
I don't have
any blackmail info on.
154
00:04:47,419 --> 00:04:48,448
You realize that meat sword's
155
00:04:48,449 --> 00:04:50,515
supposed to be shared
by the whole restaurant.
156
00:04:53,279 --> 00:04:55,258
- Hmm. Okay, okay.
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
157
00:04:55,259 --> 00:04:56,308
You know, I miss this.
158
00:04:56,309 --> 00:04:58,258
How long are you in town?
159
00:04:58,259 --> 00:05:01,298
Actually, I'm moving
to New York. Yeah.
160
00:05:01,299 --> 00:05:05,188
L.A.'s just all these hot girls
saying, "Yes, yes, yes,"
161
00:05:05,189 --> 00:05:06,338
and you know,
I had to get out of that.
162
00:05:06,339 --> 00:05:07,398
Yeah, L.A.'s tough.
163
00:05:07,399 --> 00:05:09,468
I was once tased
in Katy Perry's driveway.
164
00:05:09,469 --> 00:05:12,188
You know, it's so nice
hanging out again.
165
00:05:12,189 --> 00:05:16,328
For me, you, uh... were kind of
the one that got away.
166
00:05:16,329 --> 00:05:17,328
Me?
167
00:05:17,329 --> 00:05:18,378
Yeah.
168
00:05:18,379 --> 00:05:20,408
Really?
169
00:05:20,409 --> 00:05:22,478
I've never been the one
that got away.
170
00:05:22,479 --> 00:05:24,458
I've been the one
that won't go away, but...
171
00:05:24,459 --> 00:05:26,288
No, look, for real.
172
00:05:26,289 --> 00:05:28,348
You're the one who convinced me
to chase my passions,
173
00:05:28,349 --> 00:05:30,328
and you always call me
on my bull-sheezy, and...
174
00:05:30,329 --> 00:05:31,448
Don't say "bull-sheezy."
It's dumb.
175
00:05:31,449 --> 00:05:34,198
See?
That's what I've been missing.
176
00:05:34,199 --> 00:05:36,468
So, Dope Feat's having
a grand opening party.
177
00:05:36,469 --> 00:05:38,228
Would you want to come?
178
00:05:38,229 --> 00:05:39,478
Amber Rose is gonna drop
her new line of Aqua Socks.
179
00:05:39,479 --> 00:05:42,478
What? Me, invited to a party
with celebrities?
180
00:05:42,479 --> 00:05:44,478
- Yeah.
- Yes! Yes!
181
00:05:44,479 --> 00:05:46,398
I would love to.
Oh, my God, thank you.
182
00:05:46,399 --> 00:05:47,408
- Great.
- [sighs]
183
00:05:47,409 --> 00:05:49,338
I have to start
my beauty regimen.
184
00:05:49,339 --> 00:05:52,268
Do you think they do Brazilians
at a Brazilian restaurant?
185
00:05:52,269 --> 00:05:53,268
No.
186
00:05:53,269 --> 00:05:54,478
I'm gonna ask.
187
00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:57,358
I had a great time.
The best part is, they let me
188
00:05:57,359 --> 00:05:59,198
keep this cool meat sword.
[whooshing]
189
00:05:59,199 --> 00:06:01,188
Oh, no, I actually
paid for that, so...
190
00:06:01,189 --> 00:06:02,188
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
191
00:06:02,189 --> 00:06:03,458
Thank you.
192
00:06:03,459 --> 00:06:05,458
This was actually
one of the nicest dates
193
00:06:05,459 --> 00:06:07,328
I've been on in a long time.
194
00:06:07,329 --> 00:06:10,219
Oh, you thought this was a date?
195
00:06:11,369 --> 00:06:13,418
What?
196
00:06:13,419 --> 00:06:16,188
Yeah, I thought this was a date.
197
00:06:16,189 --> 00:06:19,198
It was hella romantic.
You paid for dinner.
198
00:06:19,199 --> 00:06:20,428
You're holding my hand.
You keep calling me "babe."
199
00:06:20,429 --> 00:06:23,268
Right, okay.
Yeah.
200
00:06:23,269 --> 00:06:26,478
Um, I can... I can see
where you're coming from, babe.
201
00:06:26,479 --> 00:06:28,208
Uh, Mindy.
202
00:06:28,209 --> 00:06:29,238
And we're gonna go up
and have sex.
203
00:06:29,239 --> 00:06:32,308
I just...
I can't date you again.
204
00:06:32,309 --> 00:06:33,478
My friends really
don't like you.
205
00:06:33,479 --> 00:06:35,328
Ex-squeeze me?
206
00:06:35,329 --> 00:06:36,438
Yeah, and they actually
straight up hate it
207
00:06:36,439 --> 00:06:37,478
when you say that.
208
00:06:37,479 --> 00:06:40,208
What?
Okay, well, that's very shallow.
209
00:06:40,209 --> 00:06:43,388
You also broke my heart
and... kept the ring.
210
00:06:43,389 --> 00:06:45,468
I sold it on eBay
to try to get a Jacuzzi.
211
00:06:45,469 --> 00:06:47,478
And that's way-baller you,
and I've always appreciated that,
212
00:06:47,479 --> 00:06:50,198
but I just... I kind of
made a promise to them
213
00:06:50,199 --> 00:06:51,228
that I wouldn't date you again.
214
00:06:51,229 --> 00:06:52,238
Just come upstairs.
215
00:06:52,239 --> 00:06:55,388
I had fun tonight, but I can't.
216
00:06:55,389 --> 00:06:57,308
I'm sorry.
217
00:06:57,309 --> 00:06:59,249
And I need the sword.
That was, like, a G.
218
00:07:01,209 --> 00:07:02,428
I was gonna use it
for s'mores. Okay.
219
00:07:02,429 --> 00:07:04,259
Stay tight.
220
00:07:09,246 --> 00:07:11,228
And then I found out
221
00:07:11,229 --> 00:07:14,298
that my biological father
is actually former...
222
00:07:14,299 --> 00:07:15,438
Oh, my God!
How was the date?
223
00:07:15,439 --> 00:07:18,428
Um, it was the worst date
in the history of dates.
224
00:07:18,429 --> 00:07:20,418
Guys, Casey says
he doesn't want to date me
225
00:07:20,419 --> 00:07:22,399
because his friends
can't stand me.
226
00:07:24,469 --> 00:07:26,278
Why is no one surprised?
227
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:28,348
Well, you are one
of the few private citizens
228
00:07:28,349 --> 00:07:29,378
who's been denounced
229
00:07:29,379 --> 00:07:31,278
by the Jewish
Anti-Defamation League.
230
00:07:31,279 --> 00:07:32,418
You want to take off
Rosh Hashanah,
231
00:07:32,419 --> 00:07:34,298
that's your New Year's, okay?
232
00:07:34,299 --> 00:07:36,298
You can't then celebrate
January 1st.
233
00:07:36,299 --> 00:07:37,378
How many New Year's do you want?
234
00:07:37,379 --> 00:07:40,188
You know I love you,
but it's harder
235
00:07:40,189 --> 00:07:41,478
to get people to like you
who you aren't paying.
236
00:07:41,479 --> 00:07:44,188
Okay, that started nice.
It took a real turn.
237
00:07:44,189 --> 00:07:46,278
This is a conspiracy, guys.
You're all insane.
238
00:07:46,279 --> 00:07:47,398
I'm extremely well-liked.
239
00:07:47,399 --> 00:07:49,448
Well, maybe the friends thing
is just an excuse, you know,
240
00:07:49,449 --> 00:07:52,188
like when mother said
she was allergic to hugs.
241
00:07:52,189 --> 00:07:54,388
When he hugged me good-bye,
I swore he had a half-chub.
242
00:07:54,389 --> 00:07:56,468
I mean, you can fake love
but you can't fake that.
243
00:07:56,469 --> 00:07:58,318
You know, Dr. L,
when you're dating a guy
244
00:07:58,319 --> 00:07:59,438
who's, like, hella crewed-up,
245
00:07:59,439 --> 00:08:01,348
you have to get in tight
with the crew.
246
00:08:01,349 --> 00:08:02,438
When I was dating
George Clooney,
247
00:08:02,439 --> 00:08:04,428
I had to be BFF
with Richard Kind.
248
00:08:04,429 --> 00:08:07,378
She fixed me up with Richard.
We still text.
249
00:08:07,379 --> 00:08:11,348
I rarely say this, but guys,
that was really useful.
250
00:08:11,349 --> 00:08:13,248
If I want to get Casey
to date me,
251
00:08:13,249 --> 00:08:15,636
I have to get Casey's friends
to like me.
252
00:08:16,459 --> 00:08:19,429
I'm gonna charm the pants
off of those guys.
253
00:08:21,419 --> 00:08:23,378
Ashley, voice-over:
I like Colonel Suspenders,
254
00:08:23,379 --> 00:08:25,448
but can I keep
going out with him?
255
00:08:25,449 --> 00:08:30,188
His wardrobe's so boring.
He might be too old-fashioned.
256
00:08:30,189 --> 00:08:32,188
I'm starting to wish
my gentleman caller were
257
00:08:32,189 --> 00:08:34,408
a little bit more
of a gentleman baller.
258
00:08:34,409 --> 00:08:37,348
Wow. Okay, say what you will
about Ashley.
259
00:08:37,349 --> 00:08:39,298
This is the best writing
I've ever read.
260
00:08:39,299 --> 00:08:41,218
I love Dr. K,
but he does kind of dress
261
00:08:41,219 --> 00:08:42,388
like the old narrator in a play
262
00:08:42,389 --> 00:08:44,338
who comes out
and explains the town.
263
00:08:44,339 --> 00:08:45,338
I kind of feel bad
going behind his back.
264
00:08:45,339 --> 00:08:47,208
- Nurses.
- Oh, hey, ah!
265
00:08:47,209 --> 00:08:49,278
Which pair of suspenders
should I wear for my date?
266
00:08:49,279 --> 00:08:52,468
Red implies power, but blue
evokes the majesty of the sea.
267
00:08:52,469 --> 00:08:55,478
Hmm.
Maybe no suspenders at all.
268
00:08:55,479 --> 00:08:58,388
[laughs] No suspenders.
269
00:08:58,389 --> 00:09:00,358
Well, I suppose I could
just wear a belt.
270
00:09:00,359 --> 00:09:02,448
Or two belts,
one over each shoulder.
271
00:09:02,449 --> 00:09:04,308
Oh, see there?
272
00:09:04,309 --> 00:09:05,448
I've just talked myself
back into suspenders, so...
273
00:09:05,449 --> 00:09:07,308
[chuckles]
274
00:09:07,309 --> 00:09:09,328
- All: Oh!
- Oh, God!
275
00:09:09,329 --> 00:09:10,468
Why you got to be
so funny, Dr. K?
276
00:09:10,469 --> 00:09:13,238
Now I've ruined your clothes,
but it's okay,
277
00:09:13,239 --> 00:09:14,438
'cause we can take you shopping
for some new ones.
278
00:09:14,439 --> 00:09:16,248
No, no, no,
I don't like shopping.
279
00:09:16,249 --> 00:09:18,208
I don't like shopping.
I inherit all my clothing.
280
00:09:18,209 --> 00:09:19,438
This jacket was worn by a juror
281
00:09:19,439 --> 00:09:21,218
from the Scopes Monkey Trial.
282
00:09:21,219 --> 00:09:23,358
Okay, if you want clothes,
I know just the alley.
283
00:09:23,359 --> 00:09:25,418
No. I have a good idea.
Let's go.
284
00:09:25,419 --> 00:09:27,268
We'll go with her,
whatever she says.
285
00:09:27,269 --> 00:09:30,268
[hip-hop music]
286
00:09:30,269 --> 00:09:33,428
287
00:09:33,429 --> 00:09:35,298
Wake up, wake up,
good morning
288
00:09:35,299 --> 00:09:37,278
Wowza.
289
00:09:37,279 --> 00:09:39,458
Mindy, thank you so much
for inviting me to this party.
290
00:09:39,459 --> 00:09:41,248
- Of course.
- I had to miss book club,
291
00:09:41,249 --> 00:09:42,478
but I was like,
"Sorry, bitches."
292
00:09:42,479 --> 00:09:44,308
Don't talk about book club
here, okay?
293
00:09:44,309 --> 00:09:45,398
Understood.
294
00:09:45,399 --> 00:09:47,258
Mindy, Jeremy, hey.
295
00:09:47,259 --> 00:09:49,358
- Oh, hey, Casey. Hi.
- What's up? Good to see you.
296
00:09:49,359 --> 00:09:50,458
- Good to see you, man, hey.
- 'Sup?
297
00:09:50,459 --> 00:09:52,308
- Um, hey...
- I'm gonna grab a drink.
298
00:09:52,309 --> 00:09:53,398
I'm surprised to see you,
299
00:09:53,399 --> 00:09:55,268
you know, after what I said.
300
00:09:55,269 --> 00:09:58,278
Oh. Oh, don't worry about it.
I'd forgotten completely.
301
00:09:58,279 --> 00:10:00,278
Just so you know,
my friends are here.
302
00:10:00,279 --> 00:10:02,428
That's great, because
I have a five-step plan
303
00:10:02,429 --> 00:10:04,288
for winning over
a guy's friends.
304
00:10:04,289 --> 00:10:06,378
Step one:
Befriend their girlfriends.
305
00:10:06,379 --> 00:10:08,318
They actually don't
have girlfriends.
306
00:10:08,319 --> 00:10:10,318
Oh. Step one-A:
307
00:10:10,319 --> 00:10:13,188
Laugh in a way
that showcases my breasts.
308
00:10:13,189 --> 00:10:14,288
[laughs]
309
00:10:14,289 --> 00:10:15,338
[hip-hop music]
310
00:10:15,339 --> 00:10:17,228
Time to make the club go up
311
00:10:17,229 --> 00:10:20,238
Step two: Talk sports
and pretend you've seen "Die Hard."
312
00:10:20,239 --> 00:10:22,348
"Die Hard" is actually
my favorite Christmas movie.
313
00:10:22,349 --> 00:10:23,478
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
314
00:10:23,479 --> 00:10:25,368
Step three: Shots.
315
00:10:25,369 --> 00:10:26,368
Time to make the club go up
316
00:10:26,369 --> 00:10:27,478
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
317
00:10:27,479 --> 00:10:30,188
Steps four and five:
Double shots.
318
00:10:30,189 --> 00:10:31,378
And it just goes on
319
00:10:31,379 --> 00:10:34,398
After all that, they'll be
eating out of my hands.
320
00:10:34,399 --> 00:10:35,468
Oh.
Yeah, that works.
321
00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:37,208
Show me around.
322
00:10:37,209 --> 00:10:38,258
Yeah, check these shoes out
over here.
323
00:10:38,259 --> 00:10:40,198
[Marian Hill's "Got It"]
324
00:10:40,199 --> 00:10:45,408
I've got this thing,
gonna blow your mind
325
00:10:45,409 --> 00:10:47,478
Pulling your string
326
00:10:47,479 --> 00:10:49,338
Oh, do I look ridiculous?
327
00:10:49,339 --> 00:10:51,268
I hid a go-bag of seersucker
down the hall.
328
00:10:51,269 --> 00:10:53,259
I'll... I'll go throw that on
and come back in...
329
00:10:55,219 --> 00:10:56,448
- Relax.
- My word.
330
00:10:56,449 --> 00:10:58,418
- I like it.
- Relaxing.
331
00:10:58,419 --> 00:11:01,418
A lot.
332
00:11:01,419 --> 00:11:04,398
[dance music]
333
00:11:04,399 --> 00:11:05,458
Something tells me you're a guy
334
00:11:05,459 --> 00:11:07,218
that likes musical theater.
335
00:11:07,219 --> 00:11:09,238
Like musical theater?
I'm obsessed with it.
336
00:11:09,239 --> 00:11:10,478
I want to imprison
musical theater
337
00:11:10,479 --> 00:11:13,398
in my phantom's lair and sing it
"Music of the Night."
338
00:11:13,399 --> 00:11:15,248
- [laughs]
- Hey!
339
00:11:15,249 --> 00:11:17,428
I'm so sorry about Jeremy,
he's kind of a nerd.
340
00:11:17,429 --> 00:11:19,338
He hasn't even seen "Die Hard."
341
00:11:19,339 --> 00:11:21,448
Yeah, me neither.
No interest.
342
00:11:21,449 --> 00:11:23,368
So hey, check it out,
I can get you tickets
343
00:11:23,369 --> 00:11:25,358
to this new musical
that I just I invested in.
344
00:11:25,359 --> 00:11:28,258
It's about, uh, James Buchanan,
"bachelor president."
345
00:11:28,259 --> 00:11:29,288
- Buchanan?
- Oh...
346
00:11:29,289 --> 00:11:30,318
BuzzFeed named it
347
00:11:30,319 --> 00:11:32,288
one of the Top 28 gay musicals
this April.
348
00:11:32,289 --> 00:11:33,298
Then you have heard of it.
349
00:11:33,299 --> 00:11:34,418
- I got you, let me know.
- Oh, my God.
350
00:11:34,419 --> 00:11:36,248
I love theater myself.
351
00:11:36,249 --> 00:11:38,408
My whole life's basically
one long "Vagina Monologue."
352
00:11:38,409 --> 00:11:39,458
Okay, you know what?
353
00:11:39,459 --> 00:11:42,318
You can cut the whole
cool girl act thing.
354
00:11:42,319 --> 00:11:43,458
You broke Casey's heart
once before,
355
00:11:43,459 --> 00:11:45,418
and I'm not letting you
near him again.
356
00:11:45,419 --> 00:11:47,308
Plus, you're not cool.
357
00:11:47,309 --> 00:11:49,228
- Oh, I'm not cool?
- No.
358
00:11:49,229 --> 00:11:51,368
Have you seen me twerk?
359
00:11:51,369 --> 00:11:53,468
That's... that's your version
of twerking?
360
00:11:53,469 --> 00:11:55,278
Can you please get an erection?
361
00:11:55,279 --> 00:11:57,328
I'm on a lot of antidepressants.
362
00:11:57,329 --> 00:11:59,358
Hey, man,
what's your problem with me?
363
00:11:59,359 --> 00:12:01,248
I don't like you
with Casey, okay?
364
00:12:01,249 --> 00:12:02,248
You're always trying
to change him...
365
00:12:02,249 --> 00:12:03,448
his clothes, his career.
366
00:12:03,449 --> 00:12:06,428
He bailed on the Slimer tattoo
that I designed for him.
367
00:12:06,429 --> 00:12:09,428
He is a 34-year-old man.
He doesn't need a Slimer tattoo.
368
00:12:09,429 --> 00:12:11,218
Says you.
369
00:12:11,219 --> 00:12:12,318
He's great.
I'm not gonna try to change him.
370
00:12:12,319 --> 00:12:14,278
I don't buy it.
I don't buy it at all.
371
00:12:14,279 --> 00:12:15,298
Oh, you know what?
You can stop
372
00:12:15,299 --> 00:12:16,408
pushing your boobs
up with your arms.
373
00:12:16,409 --> 00:12:18,198
I know that trick.
374
00:12:18,199 --> 00:12:19,408
Let me know how many tickets
you need, bro, I got you.
375
00:12:19,409 --> 00:12:20,468
- Thanks, man.
- I'm not doing a trick.
376
00:12:20,469 --> 00:12:22,378
You're just staring
at my breasts, Althium.
377
00:12:22,379 --> 00:12:24,259
That is not my name!
378
00:12:25,339 --> 00:12:28,378
Oh, shoot, our girl Ashley
put up a new blog post.
379
00:12:28,379 --> 00:12:32,198
Ooh! I bet Dr. K got
majorly Frenched last night.
380
00:12:32,199 --> 00:12:34,278
- My boy was lookin' "foine."
- Yeah.
381
00:12:34,279 --> 00:12:37,308
I love my man's new style.
382
00:12:37,309 --> 00:12:39,388
I could ride this clotheshorse
383
00:12:39,389 --> 00:12:42,218
all the way to the finish line.
384
00:12:42,219 --> 00:12:44,368
- Ooh, ooh, ooh!
- [laughs]
385
00:12:44,369 --> 00:12:46,238
- Keep reading, there's more.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
386
00:12:46,239 --> 00:12:47,368
But now there's
a bigger problem.
387
00:12:47,369 --> 00:12:50,328
My man won't stop talking
about his co-worker.
388
00:12:50,329 --> 00:12:52,218
I think he has a crush on her.
389
00:12:52,219 --> 00:12:54,248
I'm demoting him
from Colonel Suspenders
390
00:12:54,249 --> 00:12:55,388
to Major Crush.
391
00:12:55,389 --> 00:12:57,418
Wait, that's bad.
I think.
392
00:12:57,419 --> 00:13:00,208
She's overestimating
our knowledge of army rank.
393
00:13:00,209 --> 00:13:01,258
Yeah.
394
00:13:01,259 --> 00:13:03,298
Who could Dr. K
have a crush on up here?
395
00:13:03,299 --> 00:13:05,228
- That's so weird.
- It's so weird.
396
00:13:05,229 --> 00:13:07,188
It just... it's weird
is what it is.
397
00:13:07,189 --> 00:13:09,268
Well, he's always fighting
with Dr. L, so it's def not her.
398
00:13:09,269 --> 00:13:10,378
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what,
399
00:13:10,379 --> 00:13:12,238
you know what, you know what,
he hates her.
400
00:13:12,239 --> 00:13:13,298
And I don't think
he would date Beverly
401
00:13:13,299 --> 00:13:14,298
because she's Lutheran.
402
00:13:14,299 --> 00:13:15,811
Too old.
Lutheran.
403
00:13:17,189 --> 00:13:20,318
Oh, my God.
Dr. K has a crush on me!
404
00:13:20,319 --> 00:13:22,218
Yup.
405
00:13:22,219 --> 00:13:23,478
Yup, that's it!
406
00:13:23,479 --> 00:13:25,404
Y-y-you cracked it.
407
00:13:29,168 --> 00:13:30,408
Hey, yo, who's the hottie
with the body
408
00:13:30,409 --> 00:13:32,268
in the middle of the sidewalk?
409
00:13:32,269 --> 00:13:34,338
Oh, my God, wow!
410
00:13:34,339 --> 00:13:35,378
- You have a hoverboard?
- What's up?
411
00:13:35,379 --> 00:13:37,238
- That's so cool.
- What's up?
412
00:13:37,239 --> 00:13:39,448
I haven't walked in weeks.
My pedometer thinks I'm dead.
413
00:13:39,449 --> 00:13:41,318
Oh, yeah?
I threw my pedometer out,
414
00:13:41,319 --> 00:13:44,278
because it would not acknowledge
masturbation as exercise, so...
415
00:13:44,279 --> 00:13:46,188
I don't know why
my friends ever hated you.
416
00:13:46,189 --> 00:13:47,308
- Yeah, well.
- I'm kidding.
417
00:13:47,309 --> 00:13:48,458
I appreciate the effort you
put in with them. That was huge.
418
00:13:48,459 --> 00:13:50,288
Yeah, of course.
419
00:13:50,289 --> 00:13:52,288
And I don't know what you did,
but the guys love you now.
420
00:13:52,289 --> 00:13:54,328
Except for Marcus,
but Marcus hates everything.
421
00:13:54,329 --> 00:13:55,458
I mean, he doesn't
like Matt Damon.
422
00:13:55,459 --> 00:13:57,458
Ugh, I am so over Matt Damon.
423
00:13:57,459 --> 00:13:59,478
Stop coasting on your good looks
and charm and talent.
424
00:13:59,479 --> 00:14:00,478
Okay.
425
00:14:00,479 --> 00:14:02,318
Can I try your hoverboard?
426
00:14:02,319 --> 00:14:03,458
Yeah, oh, for sure.
427
00:14:03,459 --> 00:14:05,248
- Really?
- Yeah.
428
00:14:05,249 --> 00:14:07,328
All right, super easy.
Basically just step on...
429
00:14:07,329 --> 00:14:09,418
Uh, I think I'll be fine.
430
00:14:09,419 --> 00:14:11,218
Sure, yeah.
431
00:14:11,219 --> 00:14:12,218
Cool.
432
00:14:13,229 --> 00:14:14,258
Whoa, doing...
[screams]
433
00:14:14,259 --> 00:14:15,258
[thud]
434
00:14:15,259 --> 00:14:18,288
- [groans]
- Babe.
435
00:14:18,289 --> 00:14:19,478
- Really hurts.
- Yeah, really sorry.
436
00:14:19,479 --> 00:14:22,268
I've actually never seen anyone
fall off one of those before,
437
00:14:22,269 --> 00:14:24,358
and I follow an Instagram
that's mostly dogs riding them.
438
00:14:24,359 --> 00:14:25,468
Well, the truth is,
I have no balance
439
00:14:25,469 --> 00:14:28,258
ever since I lost
a swab in this ear.
440
00:14:28,259 --> 00:14:29,388
Sure, yeah, that'll do it, yeah.
441
00:14:29,389 --> 00:14:30,408
Hey, whoa.
442
00:14:30,409 --> 00:14:31,408
- [laughs]
- So you're serious?
443
00:14:31,409 --> 00:14:33,188
- Okay, yeah.
- [laughs] Sorry.
444
00:14:33,189 --> 00:14:35,328
- I got you.
- [chuckles]
445
00:14:35,329 --> 00:14:37,448
- You're okay.
- Yeah, my hero.
446
00:14:37,449 --> 00:14:40,198
I kind of miss being your hero,
447
00:14:40,199 --> 00:14:42,428
saving you from
falling off things constantly.
448
00:14:42,429 --> 00:14:44,378
- You were really good at it.
- Yeah.
449
00:14:44,379 --> 00:14:45,388
What else am I good at?
450
00:14:45,389 --> 00:14:46,428
You're good at kissing too.
451
00:14:46,429 --> 00:14:48,258
- That's your line?
- Mm-hmm.
452
00:14:48,259 --> 00:14:49,258
That's pretty good.
453
00:14:54,369 --> 00:14:55,368
Yeah.
454
00:14:56,338 --> 00:14:58,398
- Oh, my God.
- What?
455
00:14:58,399 --> 00:15:00,208
What is that?
456
00:15:00,209 --> 00:15:02,258
Pizza Rat?
From last year.
457
00:15:02,259 --> 00:15:04,248
It's, like, the hottest
viral video online.
458
00:15:04,249 --> 00:15:05,448
That's on your skin permanently?
459
00:15:05,449 --> 00:15:06,468
Had to get a tat.
460
00:15:06,469 --> 00:15:08,449
Okay, yeah.
461
00:15:11,249 --> 00:15:12,318
"Vote for Pedro"?
462
00:15:12,319 --> 00:15:13,398
It's from "Napoleon Dynamite."
463
00:15:13,399 --> 00:15:15,478
I mean, if they make
a "Nappy Dyno" sequel,
464
00:15:15,479 --> 00:15:17,408
it's gonna be off the chain.
465
00:15:17,409 --> 00:15:18,448
Okay.
466
00:15:18,449 --> 00:15:21,188
I guess it's your body,
your choice.
467
00:15:21,189 --> 00:15:23,469
Hey, tonight...
it's our body.
468
00:15:31,329 --> 00:15:32,408
Oh, my God.
469
00:15:32,409 --> 00:15:35,378
Is that a Minion
dressed as Shrek?
470
00:15:35,379 --> 00:15:37,438
You know it.
471
00:15:37,439 --> 00:15:40,091
I'm so glad we're giving this
another shot. [kiss]
472
00:15:44,249 --> 00:15:47,248
[playful music]
473
00:15:47,249 --> 00:15:51,258
474
00:15:51,259 --> 00:15:52,528
Hey, M.L.
You all right?
475
00:15:52,529 --> 00:15:54,518
Did another one
of your celebrity crushes
476
00:15:54,519 --> 00:15:55,518
come out as gay?
477
00:15:55,519 --> 00:15:57,328
None of my crushes are gay.
478
00:15:57,329 --> 00:15:58,408
Matt Bomer's just raising
three kids
479
00:15:58,409 --> 00:15:59,428
with his male best friend.
480
00:15:59,429 --> 00:16:02,388
Ooh, all right.
What's wrong?
481
00:16:02,389 --> 00:16:03,528
Nothing's wrong.
Everything's great.
482
00:16:03,529 --> 00:16:05,318
Everything with Casey is great.
483
00:16:05,319 --> 00:16:06,378
In fact, we're hanging out
tonight.
484
00:16:06,379 --> 00:16:08,258
- Okay.
- Casey invited me to his place.
485
00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:09,308
We're gonna sit on his sofa,
486
00:16:09,309 --> 00:16:10,348
I'm gonna watch him
play video games.
487
00:16:10,349 --> 00:16:11,448
What more could a girl want?
488
00:16:11,449 --> 00:16:12,508
Okay.
489
00:16:12,509 --> 00:16:15,388
You sure you still want
to be dating Casey?
490
00:16:15,389 --> 00:16:17,498
Yeah, man,
he's hot as hell, okay,
491
00:16:17,499 --> 00:16:19,329
- and he's rich as hell.
- Mm-hmm.
492
00:16:21,479 --> 00:16:23,278
I hate him.
He's so annoying.
493
00:16:23,279 --> 00:16:25,448
- Oh, Mindy.
- He's like a Garbage Pail Kid.
494
00:16:25,449 --> 00:16:28,488
Listen, backsliding is
a dangerous temptation.
495
00:16:28,489 --> 00:16:31,528
There's a reason English kings
used to behead their exes.
496
00:16:31,529 --> 00:16:34,328
Sounds to me like
you need to cut him off...
497
00:16:34,329 --> 00:16:35,388
emotionally.
498
00:16:35,389 --> 00:16:37,318
Don't you dare harm him.
He's perfect.
499
00:16:37,319 --> 00:16:38,448
Thank you.
500
00:16:38,449 --> 00:16:41,528
All right, water for me,
grape soda for you.
501
00:16:41,529 --> 00:16:43,259
- Thanks.
- There you are.
502
00:16:45,329 --> 00:16:46,478
Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
503
00:16:46,479 --> 00:16:48,508
- Damn, Daniel.
- Oh.
504
00:16:48,509 --> 00:16:50,518
Did you switch gym bags
with a hot model?
505
00:16:50,519 --> 00:16:52,458
- Can I have his number?
- Thank you.
506
00:16:52,459 --> 00:16:54,428
It's my first time wearing
a shirt with no buttons.
507
00:16:54,429 --> 00:16:56,368
I keep worrying it's gonna
just fall right off,
508
00:16:56,369 --> 00:16:57,388
but so far...
509
00:16:57,389 --> 00:16:58,448
Looks real good.
510
00:16:58,449 --> 00:17:00,378
No, no, no, no, no,
you're not sitting down yet.
511
00:17:00,379 --> 00:17:03,318
Give me a little show.
I want to see the whole look.
512
00:17:03,319 --> 00:17:04,448
- Here we are.
- Wow.
513
00:17:04,449 --> 00:17:07,278
Dr. K, I gotta talk to you.
514
00:17:07,279 --> 00:17:09,298
Dr. L, I need to speak to him
in private.
515
00:17:09,299 --> 00:17:10,348
What?
516
00:17:10,349 --> 00:17:11,468
No, say it in front of me.
I'm doing work.
517
00:17:11,469 --> 00:17:13,328
I have a ingrown hair on my ass
518
00:17:13,329 --> 00:17:14,348
that I need him to look at.
519
00:17:14,349 --> 00:17:15,348
Cool.
Peace out.
520
00:17:15,349 --> 00:17:16,418
Thank you.
It hurts to sit.
521
00:17:16,419 --> 00:17:17,458
Ah!
522
00:17:17,459 --> 00:17:18,498
What the hell's going on,
Morgan?
523
00:17:18,499 --> 00:17:20,538
Okay, listen to me.
Ashley is writing a blog
524
00:17:20,539 --> 00:17:23,308
and she's telling everyone
everything you two are doing.
525
00:17:23,309 --> 00:17:25,478
Well, that's all right.
I've been written about before.
526
00:17:25,479 --> 00:17:27,508
Dear Abby advised five
different women to leave me.
527
00:17:27,509 --> 00:17:29,378
Okay.
So you don't mind
528
00:17:29,379 --> 00:17:31,278
that she's telling everyone
that you talk about Dr. L
529
00:17:31,279 --> 00:17:32,528
obsessively and you're
basically in love with her?
530
00:17:32,529 --> 00:17:34,348
I don't talk about Mindy
all the time,
531
00:17:34,349 --> 00:17:35,478
and even if I did, so what?
532
00:17:35,479 --> 00:17:37,418
I talk about Obama all the time,
533
00:17:37,419 --> 00:17:39,278
and I am certainly not
in love with him.
534
00:17:39,279 --> 00:17:41,268
It doesn't matter.
Ashley thinks you are,
535
00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:42,468
and we're reading this blog
behind your back,
536
00:17:42,469 --> 00:17:44,298
and Dr. L's gonna find out.
537
00:17:44,299 --> 00:17:45,488
I have to go set things
straight with Ashley right now.
538
00:17:45,489 --> 00:17:47,368
- You stay here.
- Okay, I will, but listen.
539
00:17:47,369 --> 00:17:48,448
Listen... wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!
540
00:17:48,449 --> 00:17:50,248
What?
541
00:17:50,249 --> 00:17:51,368
I think you look really great
in your new outfit.
542
00:17:51,369 --> 00:17:54,468
Morgan, I don't have time
for this.
543
00:17:54,469 --> 00:17:56,338
[applause]
544
00:17:56,339 --> 00:17:59,378
Wow, America's worst president
became New York's best musical.
545
00:17:59,379 --> 00:18:01,338
And you know what,
I think I'm finally
546
00:18:01,339 --> 00:18:02,518
beginning to understand
theater etiquette.
547
00:18:02,519 --> 00:18:04,358
You threw candy onstage.
548
00:18:04,359 --> 00:18:07,268
Yuh-doi, to show
that I liked it.
549
00:18:07,269 --> 00:18:08,428
Oh, Marcus, Marcus.
550
00:18:08,429 --> 00:18:11,408
Hey, Jeremy.
Good to see you, man.
551
00:18:11,409 --> 00:18:13,268
Honest opinion so far,
what do you think?
552
00:18:13,269 --> 00:18:14,438
- We are loving the show.
- Yeah?
553
00:18:14,439 --> 00:18:17,318
And the idea to cast
Millard Fillmore as a woman?
554
00:18:17,319 --> 00:18:19,348
Groundbreaking and important.
555
00:18:19,349 --> 00:18:21,248
- I thought so too.
- Oh, God, the merch line is...
556
00:18:21,249 --> 00:18:23,529
- [groans]
- Get me a Toblerone!
557
00:18:25,369 --> 00:18:26,368
Hey.
558
00:18:27,409 --> 00:18:30,348
Okay, so...
I owe you an apology.
559
00:18:30,349 --> 00:18:32,398
I was trying to be
protective of Casey,
560
00:18:32,399 --> 00:18:33,488
wound up acting
like a real dick.
561
00:18:33,489 --> 00:18:35,498
I was wrong, I'm sorry.
562
00:18:35,499 --> 00:18:36,508
Since you guys got
back together,
563
00:18:36,509 --> 00:18:38,418
he's, like, annoyingly happy.
564
00:18:38,419 --> 00:18:40,268
Whoa, you guys talk
about that stuff?
565
00:18:40,269 --> 00:18:41,318
- Yeah.
- I thought you just hung out
566
00:18:41,319 --> 00:18:42,358
and watched
skateboarding videos,
567
00:18:42,359 --> 00:18:43,398
maybe kissed a little.
568
00:18:43,399 --> 00:18:45,498
You are such a strange person.
569
00:18:45,499 --> 00:18:47,448
Didn't know you had a kid.
570
00:18:47,449 --> 00:18:49,488
I'm completely whack
for hating on a single mom.
571
00:18:49,489 --> 00:18:51,478
You were probably raised
by a single mom, huh?
572
00:18:51,479 --> 00:18:55,288
No, my parents have been
married for about 40 years.
573
00:18:55,289 --> 00:18:56,448
- I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
574
00:18:56,449 --> 00:18:57,528
But it is hard
being a single mom.
575
00:18:57,529 --> 00:18:59,348
In fact, I've often thought
that there should be
576
00:18:59,349 --> 00:19:01,388
- a musical about me, you know?
- Really?
577
00:19:01,389 --> 00:19:02,538
"Lahiri."
578
00:19:02,539 --> 00:19:04,448
I always thought Ariana Grande
could play me.
579
00:19:04,449 --> 00:19:06,498
Nah, she's too old,
but you know.
580
00:19:06,499 --> 00:19:08,278
Well, hopefully,
your musical will be
581
00:19:08,279 --> 00:19:09,378
a little better than this one.
582
00:19:09,379 --> 00:19:10,378
You think it's bad too?
583
00:19:10,379 --> 00:19:11,438
- Mm.
- Oh, thank God.
584
00:19:11,439 --> 00:19:12,538
Yeah, I only invested
as a tax write-off.
585
00:19:12,539 --> 00:19:14,498
This is a total rip-off
of "Hamilton,"
586
00:19:14,499 --> 00:19:16,488
only our lead character was
really a crappy person
587
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,398
who literally started
the Civil War.
588
00:19:18,399 --> 00:19:19,398
[chuckles]
589
00:19:20,479 --> 00:19:22,418
Well, there we go.
[sucks in air]
590
00:19:22,419 --> 00:19:24,348
Best of luck surviving Act Two.
591
00:19:24,349 --> 00:19:26,248
- [chuckles] Okay.
- I'll see you inside.
592
00:19:26,249 --> 00:19:27,267
Bye.
593
00:19:29,509 --> 00:19:31,318
Hmm.
594
00:19:31,319 --> 00:19:33,258
Look at me right now.
595
00:19:33,259 --> 00:19:34,338
I'm a Buchanan Boy.
596
00:19:34,339 --> 00:19:35,498
How much did you spend on that?
597
00:19:35,499 --> 00:19:38,587
$500. Would have spent $1,000.
Let's take our seats.
598
00:19:39,449 --> 00:19:41,478
I demand you take down
that post, and if you don't,
599
00:19:41,479 --> 00:19:43,438
I will need to speak
to your manager at the Internet.
600
00:19:43,439 --> 00:19:45,338
Every word in there is true.
601
00:19:45,339 --> 00:19:47,248
If I wanted to lie,
I'd go back to my old job
602
00:19:47,249 --> 00:19:48,478
predicting travel times
at Google Maps.
603
00:19:48,479 --> 00:19:50,478
Why would I have feelings
for Mindy?
604
00:19:50,479 --> 00:19:52,498
She is rude, she is unladylike,
605
00:19:52,499 --> 00:19:54,408
her political views
are incoherent,
606
00:19:54,409 --> 00:19:56,408
and her hands are
bigger than mine.
607
00:19:56,409 --> 00:19:58,408
You sure can rattle off
those reasons.
608
00:19:58,409 --> 00:19:59,508
Well, if I wanted
to ask her out,
609
00:19:59,509 --> 00:20:02,298
I'd just walk in there
and ask her out. I'm not shy.
610
00:20:02,299 --> 00:20:04,438
I asked Andie MacDowell
to my prom, and she said yes.
611
00:20:04,439 --> 00:20:06,468
I almost got to third base.
612
00:20:06,469 --> 00:20:09,701
Why don't I read it to you?
613
00:20:11,429 --> 00:20:14,408
"I couldn't even tell
Colonel Suspenders about my day
614
00:20:14,409 --> 00:20:17,478
"without him launching
into a story about his coworker.
615
00:20:17,479 --> 00:20:19,528
"The sad fact is, he lights up
more when he complains
616
00:20:19,529 --> 00:20:22,348
"about how this woman
misuses the intercom system
617
00:20:22,349 --> 00:20:24,368
than he does anytime
that he looks at me."
618
00:20:24,369 --> 00:20:26,338
Well, "Guys, I'm bored."
619
00:20:26,339 --> 00:20:27,528
It's not a proper
work announcement.
620
00:20:27,529 --> 00:20:30,509
Her squeaky little voice
comes over the intercom.
621
00:20:31,529 --> 00:20:33,408
Oh.
622
00:20:33,409 --> 00:20:34,508
You might have a point.
623
00:20:34,509 --> 00:20:36,488
Still want me to take it down?
624
00:20:36,489 --> 00:20:39,398
I can't in good conscience
ask you to do that.
625
00:20:39,399 --> 00:20:42,498
If she reads it, she reads it.
It's all true.
626
00:20:42,499 --> 00:20:44,478
Except for that one part here
where I...
627
00:20:44,479 --> 00:20:46,478
My jacket is houndstooth,
not herringbone.
628
00:20:46,479 --> 00:20:48,388
Oh.
I'll change that.
629
00:20:48,389 --> 00:20:49,866
- Thank you.
- See you.
630
00:20:52,110 --> 00:20:54,508
Mindy, I need
to confess something.
631
00:20:54,509 --> 00:20:58,248
What are doing you on the floor?
Did your hip give out again?
632
00:20:58,249 --> 00:20:59,528
[tearfully] Of course it did.
633
00:20:59,529 --> 00:21:02,248
My bones are dust,
I've never had milk.
634
00:21:02,249 --> 00:21:03,268
Mindy.
635
00:21:03,269 --> 00:21:05,268
But I'm here because I'm sad.
636
00:21:05,269 --> 00:21:06,268
Oh.
637
00:21:06,269 --> 00:21:07,428
Well, I never pass up
an opportunity
638
00:21:07,429 --> 00:21:09,468
to sit criss-cross applesauce.
639
00:21:09,469 --> 00:21:11,248
[groans]
640
00:21:11,249 --> 00:21:13,308
Why don't you tell me
what's going on?
641
00:21:13,309 --> 00:21:14,378
Oh, God.
642
00:21:14,379 --> 00:21:17,894
Jody, I don't know
what I'm gonna do.
643
00:21:19,389 --> 00:21:22,378
I don't think things are gonna
work out with Casey,
644
00:21:22,379 --> 00:21:25,538
but he's as not right for me
as he was before.
645
00:21:25,539 --> 00:21:27,418
Things aren't exactly
working out well
646
00:21:27,419 --> 00:21:29,348
with Ashley either.
647
00:21:29,349 --> 00:21:31,338
What's crazy is
that the person I'm falling for
648
00:21:31,339 --> 00:21:32,868
makes even less sense.
649
00:21:34,399 --> 00:21:35,579
Can you close the door?
650
00:21:38,429 --> 00:21:39,538
I can't stop thinking about him.
651
00:21:39,539 --> 00:21:42,398
He's actually a grown-up,
and I think we have a spark.
652
00:21:42,399 --> 00:21:44,418
But I can't ask him out.
653
00:21:44,419 --> 00:21:47,248
It's Marcus.
It's Casey's friend.
654
00:21:47,249 --> 00:21:49,358
Okay, well, I guess I should go.
655
00:21:49,359 --> 00:21:51,248
Don't forget to take
your calcium supplements.
656
00:21:51,249 --> 00:21:52,358
I'm afraid you might shatter.
657
00:21:52,359 --> 00:21:54,248
Wait, that's it?
Hold on, hold on, help me up.
658
00:21:54,249 --> 00:21:55,498
- Where are you off to?
- Uh...
659
00:21:55,499 --> 00:21:57,358
What, you got a hot date
or something?
660
00:21:57,359 --> 00:21:58,508
With a model that arrived
in a shipping crate?
661
00:21:58,509 --> 00:21:59,518
Heh heh.
662
00:21:59,519 --> 00:22:01,438
No, actually, I've...
663
00:22:01,439 --> 00:22:04,308
I'm taking a self-imposed break
from romance for a while.
664
00:22:04,309 --> 00:22:06,438
Oh, she was on top,
and she bent it.
665
00:22:06,439 --> 00:22:07,438
Why is your first assumption
666
00:22:07,439 --> 00:22:09,448
always something gross
and sexual?
667
00:22:09,449 --> 00:22:11,328
What?
It's not my fault,
668
00:22:11,329 --> 00:22:12,866
I was raised
on "Three's Company."
669
00:22:16,359 --> 00:22:19,438
[scoffs] Wow.
670
00:22:19,439 --> 00:22:21,288
You really came
to see this again?
671
00:22:21,289 --> 00:22:22,338
- [chuckles]
- Nobody should have to see
672
00:22:22,339 --> 00:22:23,428
this many raps by white people.
673
00:22:23,429 --> 00:22:24,508
[laughs]
674
00:22:24,509 --> 00:22:26,278
It's actually worse
the second time
675
00:22:26,279 --> 00:22:27,468
because now I understand it.
676
00:22:27,469 --> 00:22:29,288
Yeah.
Did...
677
00:22:29,289 --> 00:22:31,458
Did you come with Casey, or...
I didn't see him.
678
00:22:31,459 --> 00:22:33,318
Casey and I actually broke up.
679
00:22:33,319 --> 00:22:34,358
Oh.
680
00:22:34,359 --> 00:22:36,278
Partly because of something
you said.
681
00:22:36,279 --> 00:22:38,408
What, that he's thinking
about giving up drinking?
682
00:22:38,409 --> 00:22:39,478
What?
No,
683
00:22:39,479 --> 00:22:41,298
although that definitely
would have ended it.
684
00:22:41,299 --> 00:22:43,388
No, you were right.
In order for us to work,
685
00:22:43,389 --> 00:22:45,388
I would have had to change
everything about myself
686
00:22:45,389 --> 00:22:47,368
or everything about him.
687
00:22:47,369 --> 00:22:50,528
But there was a bigger issue.
I like his friend.
688
00:22:50,529 --> 00:22:52,358
Mm, Jace.
689
00:22:52,359 --> 00:22:53,358
Huh?
690
00:22:53,359 --> 00:22:54,498
- Trace?
- No.
691
00:22:54,499 --> 00:22:55,498
Me?
692
00:22:55,499 --> 00:22:58,348
Okay, don't "me" me.
693
00:22:58,349 --> 00:23:00,338
I invented "me?"
694
00:23:00,339 --> 00:23:01,368
You knew it was you.
695
00:23:01,369 --> 00:23:04,349
- I had no idea, no clue.
- Come on.
696
00:23:06,279 --> 00:23:07,428
Hey, do you want to, um,
697
00:23:07,429 --> 00:23:09,278
maybe skip the second act
and get out of here?
698
00:23:09,279 --> 00:23:10,328
Yeah, I'd love to.
699
00:23:10,329 --> 00:23:11,348
- Let's go.
- This is the worst thing
700
00:23:11,349 --> 00:23:12,478
to happen in a theater
since "Lincoln."
701
00:23:12,479 --> 00:23:14,448
Ah, see?
You do know history.
702
00:23:14,449 --> 00:23:16,308
Oh, no, I'm talking
about the movie.
703
00:23:16,309 --> 00:23:17,498
- Oh.
- Ugh, so boring.
704
00:23:17,499 --> 00:23:19,368
Daniel Day-Lewis is,
like, barely naked in it.
705
00:23:19,369 --> 00:23:20,408
Oh, so nudity...
706
00:23:20,409 --> 00:23:22,398
For our Union I'll deploy
707
00:23:22,399 --> 00:23:26,509
For I am
a proud Buchanan boy
708
00:23:28,259 --> 00:23:30,104
Mindy?
Mindy?
709
00:23:30,105 --> 00:23:35,142
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/
710
00:23:35,192 --> 00:23:39,742
Repair and Synchronization by
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