All language subtitles for The Mindy Project s03e19 Confessions of a Cathoholic.eng

(Danny) Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.

I know I haven't been in here
in a while,

so I got some serious
confessing to do.

Is it masturbating again?

No, no.
It's not that.

[sighs] Okay, here we go.

I screened a phone call from Ma,

I coveted my butcher's
Mean Streets poster,

I knocked up
my live-in girlfriend,

I used the Lord's name in vain.

Wait, wait. What...
what was that one before?

The Mean Streets poster?

No. After that.

[sighs] Okay, I engaged in sex

with a pre-marital persuasion,
but it wasn't my fault.

I was... I was under a spell
of this exotic sorceress.

I mean, she wears
all these bright colors,

and she uses all this
R-rated language,

and the next thing you know,
Father,

we are going at it in bed.

This accidentally happened
a couple hundred times,

and then the Lord finally
punished us

with the precious gift of life.

But hey, you know,
it proves I wasn't

using protection, right, Father?

- Father?
- [crashing]

(Danny) Oh, God!

[hip-hip music]

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/

(Jeremy) Oh, okay.
First order of business:

Mindy, if you want
to change the screensaver

on all the computers
to your sonogram

there's a form for that.

First of all,
how dare you insult

my unborn son's
first tasteful nudes.

- Come on, man.
- Second of all,

I didn't do that.
Danny did.

He's, like, obsessed
with being a dad.

I just want to say
congratulations.

You're having a boy.

Yes, biologically she is a boy.

But who knows what
she will identify with.

I could still win.

Okay, so now some
personal business.

Uh, my one man show
has been accepted

has been accepted into
the Midtown Fringe Festival.

[applause and cheers]

Stop it, stop it.
Anyway, the show's about

a young mousy boy
who escapes to the United States

for a better life.
And, uh, maybe has

a couple of adventures
along the way.

So you're basically Fievel?

I don't know who that is.

What's the name of your play?

An American Tale.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I can't go.

Because I really
don't want to go.

See, this is the problem
with this country.

No respect for the arts.

That's why you have to
come crawling to us

for your Lincolns
and your Batmans.

I just killed My priest.

Oh, okay. Fine.
He doesn't have to come.

This is all our fault.
I was confessing

to Father Francis
and his heart couldn't take it.

- Wait, that's what happened?
- Yes.

Okay, Danny, I think you're
being a little theatrical.

There's gonna be
a memorial service.

Will you come with me?

- To church?
- Yeah.

You killed someone,
now I have to die of boredom?

Look, Father Francis
never absolved me.

Now I have to confess
to the new priest,

or when I die,
I won't get into heaven.

Besides, don't you want
to meet the guy

that's gonna baptize our baby?

Who says he's
gonna get baptized?

I kinda want to raise him Jewish
so he can get ahead in life.

Mindy, please.
Church is really important to me

and I want you
to be a part of it.

You're so adorable
when you're anxious.

Yes, I will come with you.

- You'll come?
- Yeah.

Great. Thank you.

It'll be good for the new priest
to get a visual of you

so when I talk about you
in confession he can,

you know, picture it.

Um, I don't love you
talking to a priest about me.

How'd you like it if I had
a podcast about our sex life?

Oh, come on.

Because I do have one.
For the past six months.

What?

(Danny) Great, we're late.

Now we can't sit
in the front row.

Hi.
How are you?

Oh, my God.

How old was Father Francis?

Was he Jesus' roommate?

No. Jesus didn't have
a roommate.

He lived with his Ma.

Hachi machi.
Who's the guy in the dress?

- He's hot as hell.
- Wait a minute.

I know that guy.
That's Mike O'Donnell,

from my old neighborhood.

He was the worst kid in my high
school, now he's a priest?

That guy's a virgin?
Ah, man, what a waste.

Shh.
Quiet.

275.

Any guesses on what
that number means?

How many hours
I've been sitting here?

That's the number of women
I've had sex with.

[murmuring]

Now I'm sure some of you
are saying,

"How can a man who has sinned
in so many different ways...

"and positions...

"How can a man
with a sleeve of tattoos,

"a man who did drugs,
crazy drugs,

how can that man be in charge
of your spiritual guidance?"

Wow.
Mike's done everything.

I mean, confessing to him
will be a breeze.

(Michael)
God comes to us in many ways.

For Saint Paul,
it was a bolt of lightning

on the road to Damascus.

For me, it was Keith Richards.

He found me on his
bathroom floor of his house,

which I had broken into.

And he said to me...

[mumbles indistinctly]

And as his security team dragged
me out of his house,

I knew that I had a purpose
in life,

and that was to lead people away
from sins great and small.

Because it's not always
the big sins that matter,

like when I slept
with my SAT proctor

and ruined her marriage.

No, sometimes
it's the small sins

that tarnish the soul the most.

I'm talking about birth control,

cohabiting before marriage,
and dating outside of the faith.

Trust me, these little sins

are just as straight a path
to hellfire

as all that really cool stuff
I used to do.

Really?
I feel like they're not.

Now, let's all bow our heads

for one final prayer
for Father Francis.

He was a good guy.

A good, soft guy.

May God forgive him
for his leniency.

Leniency?
We're screwed.

You're screwed.
I'm Hindu.

I'm like immortal or something.

By next Sunday you should
all know Latin.

(Danny) Let's go, come on.

You were in the bathroom for,
like, an hour.

(Mindy) There's a lot
of elderly people here, okay.

I need a new church, okay?

St. Ignatius has one of
those guitar-priests.

But you know what?
I can get over it.

- Let's get out of here.
- Danny?

Danny Castellano?

- Hey.
- Hi, Friar, I'm Mindy.

- I so enjoyed your speech.
- Sermon.

Yes, it was the best part
of the show.

- Mass.
- Yeah.

So you're Danny's girlfriend?

I've heard a lot about you.

Oh, my God!

Are you my one Twitter follower?

It is great to meet you,
@OneDirectionBot.

- I...
- Hey, Mike, good to see you...

I'm sorry.
Father Michael.

Hard to adjust.
I'm used to calling you

The Virginity Thief
of Staten Island.

Yeah, I remember you too, Danny.

You were the little altar boy
who would always snitch on me

whenever I would take the girls
back to the rectory

to fool around.

Danny here, always
such a little angel.

Sorry.
You know me.

Always walking
the straight and narrow.

(Mindy) Yeah,
I have a scriptural question.

I know that the church frowns
on masturbation...

- Mm-hmm.
- But what is their policy

on hot-tub jets?

Hey, listen, here's 5 bucks.

Why don't you go enter us
into the raffle, okay?

Okay.
[clears throat]

So wonderful to meet you,
Your Magistrate.

- Okay.
- You don't...

- She doesn't have to do that.
- You're hand...

Okay.
[chuckles]

She's different.

I gotta admit, Danny,
I've heard some rumors.

- You have?
- Yeah.

Look, the word
on the pew is that

the Golden Boy of St. Mary's
and his girlfriend

are living together
before marriage.

Oh!
That?

That's what you heard?

Yes, yes, we are,

but we are definitely
waiting before we,

you know... do it.

Look, Danny, I get it.

The Vatican's fine
with over-the-pants stuff.

I just don't want people to
think you're a bad Catholic.

People like me.

What? No way.
We're both great Catholics.

Especially her.

Oh, I had no idea
she was of the faith.

Yeah, she's of the faith.

Okay, everyone,
just stick your tongues out.

Stop.
Stop.

So, Ma, I was thinking
we should change churches.

What do you think about
The Immaculate Heart?

That's for Puerto Ricans.

What's communion?
Chips and salsa?

Why would we switch
churches anyway?

The new priest.

You remember Michael O'Donnell?

- [scoffs]
- Mikey O'Donnell?

The hooligan
from down the block?

You know, he babysat
for you and Richie once.

I come home, he's got a girl
on top of the ping-pong table.

(Danny) Yeah, I remember that.

They left a dent on the table.

Made the balls bounce weird.

And I don't know.
I don't feel comfortable

confessing my situation to him.

So don't confess.

You're not exactly winning
Catholic-of-the-year anyway.

You're divorced,
you go to a gay gym...

You don't encounter it
if you stay out of the sauna.

Plus, their bodies motivate me.

Why do you care
what Mikey thinks?

- Your mother's over it.
- Hmm.

She still hasn't forgiven me
for taping over

Princess Diana's wedding with an
episode of The Price Is Right...

that I was on.

Maybe the problem
isn't the priest.

You gotta start thinking about

why you feel so guilty
about this.

(Morgan) All right,
let's take it from the top.

Okay, so I said
to the immigration officer,

"You know who I am?
I'm Dr. Jeremy Reeve."

- Reed!
- Reed! Why can't I get that?

I'll tell you why,
and I don't mean to be cruel,

but you're the worst actor
I've ever seen in my life, okay?

No, I can act.

It's just I can't
remember the lines.

Oh, good, you're not
doing anything.

- Hey, I need your advice.
- Absolutely not.

- I'm incredibly busy.
- He's very busy.

Fine, I will buy a lousy
ticket to your loser show.

Take a seat.
How can I help?

Thank you.

When I was at church with Danny

and he introduced me
to his priest,

I felt like he was
embarrassed by me.

Come on, stop.
Danny has never even been

slightly embarrassed by you.

Really?
[sighs] Okay.

- That's a huge relief.
- See, I can act, Morgan.

Of course he's embarrassed
by you.

But the point is,
if embarrassment

was gonna ruin the relationship,
it would have happened by now.

Sounds like the problem
is this priest.

You want me to murder a priest?

Befriend the priest.

Of course.
Befriend a priest.

[typing]
Hey, Father Michael! It's Mindy!

Who?

You know, princess emoji,
sexy lady emoji.

Who?

Emoji.

Oh, Danny's girlfriend!
Hello!

I thought I could donate some
bras to the church drive.

Is it OK if they're all
a little slutty?

I don't mean to be rude,
but I took a vow of poverty,

which extends to my text plan.

Father, we should get to know
each other better.

Would you like to have dinner
with us tomorrow?

Spaghetti dinner emoji,
thumbs up.

How can I turn down a meal
from a good Catholic woman?

A what now?

(Danny)
Okay, name me the Apostles.

- John.
- Good.

- Paul.
- Excellent.

- George.
- You're naming Beatles.

- Bongo.
- That's not anything.

- Mary Margarine.
- No!

Why did you invite
Father Michael over for dinner?

Okay, look, if he asks,
we sleep in bunk beds

and your last name's McPherson.

Why would you lie and tell him
that I was Catholic?

I don't have a Catholic bone
in my body, except yours.

See? I can't stop saying
hilarious stuff like that!

I have the mind of a comedian
trapped in the body of a model

trapped in the job
of a gynecologist.

We should have just gone with
Morgan to Jeremy's stupid play.

Morgan.
That's it.

(Jeremy)
Morgan, I'm freaking out.

I don't remember any
of my lines.

Hey, easy.
I told you.

I have every single one
of the lines in the play

on my phone.
It's gonna be fine.

- [phone rings]
- Okay.

- Oh, oh.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Aye, machi hachi.

Easy, easy,
just chill one second.

I'm gonna take a personal call.

Talk to me, player.

Hey, um, what do you know
about Catholicism?

Pfft!
Only everything.

Oh, perfect.
Okay, so you know about, like,

the Popes and sacraments
and stuff?

Oh, Catholicism.

I thought you said "alcoholism."

- Yeah, I don't know anything.
- Okay, whatever.

Will you look stuff up
if I text you with questions?

Pfft!
Yeah, I'm at this boring play.

- It'll give me something to do.
- Hey.

(Mindy) Okay,
thank you, Morgan. Bye.

[door closes]

Okay, if Father Mike asks you
to say grace,

say you have laryngitis.

Okay, well, I just got off
the phone with Morgan, and...

- Yeah?
- Everything is taken care of.

- Feeling okay, sweetheart?
- Yeah.

No, I feel... I feel good.
I feel calm and grounded.

[doorbell rings]

Ah!

All right, be cool, be cool.
That's him.

- Okay.
- So be cool.

(Mindy) You be cool, psycho.

Father Michael, exactly on time.

We got nothing to hide.

Don't worry, Danny.
You couldn't.

- Ms. McPherson!
- That's me.

- Lovely to see you.
- Sorry about her.

- She's a real klutz.
- Yeah.

- What's that?
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Some people still get dressed up
for the theater.

Hey, shh.
I have to focus.

(Jeremy) London, 1985.

[mouthing silently]

(Jeremy) A little boy
walks with his father.

[child voice]
Daddy, who are those dirty men?

They look so sad.

[adult voice] They're no-good
coal miners on strike!

Throw a rock at them
or I'll swat at you.

[child voice]
But I want to help them someday,

or my name isn't...

[normal voice] Jeremy Reed.

[scattered applause]

But let's not get ahead
of ourselves.

Our story actually begins
in 1545.

Mindy, once again, thank you so
much for having me for dinner.

- [phone chimes]
- The nun that usually

cooks for me is blind, so I end
up eating a lot of candle wax.

You know,
hospitality is so important.

I think it was God that said,

"He who withholds kindness
from a friend

forsakes the fear
of the Almighty."

That's Job 6:14.

Ah, do you have a favorite verse
from The New Testament?

- The New Testament?
- The new one?

There's a sequel to The Bible,
but not to Gone Girl?

[phone chimes]
Um, The New Testament

has so many great one-liners,
but I think my favorite's

probably, "Jeremy,
you spilled my Scotch.

Go sit in your cupboard."

Afraid I don't know that one.
That's a bit of a deep cut,

even for a priest.

(Jeremy) Father, it's dark
in here and I'm afraid.

[phone chimes]

So I said, "Father, you can
lock me in the cupboard,

but you can never
lock up my spirit."

And then my father said to me...

[whispering] Morgan?

I'm sorry, Dr. Reed,
I gotta leave, gotta leave.

What?
No, Morgan, Morgan...

You need to tell me what
my father said to me.

- Excuse me.
- Mo... Morgan.

(Jeremy) We had a deal.

- Oh, I tripped!
- Ow!

- What did my father...
- Oh, my cigarette.

- Shh! Shh!
- I don't know.

- For God's sake.
- Morgan.

- Damn it to hell.
- I'm so sorry.

That was...
Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

- Oh, whoa!
- Oh! Oh, my hair!

In that moment,
I decided to go to America,

where the sun always shines.

[fire alarm blares]

[all screaming]

(Mindy) I mean, that's why
I think The Bible's on fleek.

Huh, you know,
I never thought of Eve

as one of
the "Real Housewives of Eden."

Then again,
she did love her drama.

You got a good one here, Danny.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have got to go to
the little priests' room.

Oh, it's right
over here, Father.

Hot's on the left,
cold's on the right.

Standard sink stuff.
You'll figure it out.

Hey, great job, little Catholic.

I know.

Father Michael will have no idea

that we're two sinful,
contraceptive-using...

- Oh, no.
- What?

Danny, do you remember when you
told me, like, a million times

to take the condoms out
of the medicine cabinet before

- Father Michael got here?
- Yeah.

You didn't, like,
do that because you knew

that I would flake, right?

Oh, no.

(Danny) What were you thinking?

Maybe he won't snoop.

Oh, who am I kidding?
Everybody snoops.

When I first went
to your mom's house,

I tried on her wedding dress.

There's only one thing to do.

- No.
- I'm going in.

- No!
- I'm going in.

Wait, Mindy.
Do not look at his thing.

Okay, if I see his thing,
it's an accident.

And don't get distracted by
your reflection in the mirror.

[stops urinating]

[resumes urinating]

[toilet flushes]

[clears throat]
Danny, I saw something

pretty disturbing
in your bathroom just now.

Okay, you did?

It's your Yankees poster, Danny.

You know they're
the team of sin.

- [sighs]
- A-Rod, that's lust.

CC Sabathia, gluttony.

Jeter, sloth.
He retired.

What if Jesus had retired?

You're right, Father.
I'm a Mets fan now.

Thank you so much.
What a great night.

I'll see you at church
on Sunday.

Sunday?
Come on!

Let's get some dessert.
Let's play some board games.

I'm a priest!
This is my crack!

Okay, use "nom-nom-nom"
in a sentence.

Okay.
Wasn't hungry.

I saw that corn dog,
and I was like,

"Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom!"

- Okay, fair enough.
- Yes!

- Danny, can I be honest?
- Yeah.

I came here tonight because
I heard a disturbing rumor.

I heard you were dating
a godless sex maniac.

But that must have been
an ex-girlfriend,

because it's certainly
not Mindy,

who is one of the finest women
I have ever met.

Thank you.

Yes, yes,
it was an ex-girlfriend,

and, man, she was trouble,
bad news.

(Michael) Hey, I get it.

I mean, back in the day,
I dated some crazy ones.

Oh, yeah?

(Michael) I'm talking about doing
it on the airport luggage carousel.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, yeah.

That was Madonna's idea of fun.
Go figure.

I wrote the hook for Borderline.

Well, I actually knew
Danny's ex,

and she wasn't crazy,
and she wasn't a sex maniac.

She was more sex-positive
in a way

that was very on-brand for her.

Ugh.
She sounds horrible.

She wasn't horrible.

She was super hot, bangable,

Danny loved her,
and she had huge cans.

Really? I heard that she was
pear-shaped with small breasts.

If anything, she was two pears
stacked on top of each other.

- That's a butternut squash.
- Yeah, hot as hell.

Could have sex for hours.

Looks, guys, it doesn't matter.

It didn't mean anything.

I mean, she was nothing special.

It was just fun.

It wasn't like I was gonna
marry her or anything.

Well, bottom line,
you made the right choice,

because now you're with a nice
Catholic girl like Mindy.

Exactly.
Now I have Mindy.

Well, I am tired,
and I think I'm gonna go to bed.

Next time I see you,
I'll ask you

my Da Vinci Code questions.

- Good night, Father.
- Good night.

- Well, to the bunk beds.
- Good night, babe.

- She's great.
- Yeah.

Got any cookies or dessert
or anything like that?

Main course was,
like, an hour ago.

I don't know if we have
any dessert, Father.

Could you make something?

Give me that.
Cost me 50 bucks. Dammit.

I've never been more humiliated
in my entire life.

This was meant to be
my love letter to America,

but it ended like every love
letter I've ever written...

with the authorities
being called.

Listen, listen.
I got some news for you, buddy.

The New York Times was here

and they thought it was
really great.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Which critic?

Was it Ben Brantley?
[gasps]

Oh, my God.
Was it Alessandra Stanley?

I think it was Virgil Krugg.

He's the crime reporter.

Said it was the best arson
he's ever seen.

(Michael) Glad you found
that old candy cane, Danny.

Nom-nom-nom.

Well, it was a great night,
Father.

You want me to look up
the ferry for you?

You know, sometimes when
parishioners have me for dinner,

- they drive me home.
- Uh...

But the ferry's good too,
you know?

It's not too cold or wet.

Great.
You'll need that.

I'll just look up
that ferry for you.

Is that a sonogram?

That?
That's, uh...

What am I talking about?
You're an OB-GYN.

Of course, that's for
one of your patients.

No, Father.
Look.

I've been doing
a lot of lying to you,

and I'm not gonna lie
about this little guy.

That's my son, and Mindy's
the crazy ex-girlfriend

you've been hearing a lot about.

Mindy McPherson?
My new friend?

It's Lahiri, and I asked her

to lie about being
Catholic for you.

Well, look at this.

The little boy
who played baby Jesus

in the Christmas pageant
until he was 15 years old

knocks up his girlfriend.

Yeah, you know what?
And there's something else.

I know I was supposed
to confess all this to you,

but for some reason, I don't
know why, I just couldn't.

But I think it's because
when you confess,

it's because you feel guilty
about something.

And, Father, I don't
feel guilty about this at all.

I've never been happier
about anything in my life.

Well, I guess I should go.

This has been the worst
night of my entire life.

Uh, I'll have somebody mail you
your excommunication letter.

You know you can't be buried
with your family now, right?

- Yes, I understand.
- Good.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Father Michael!

I have something to say.

No more lies.

Like saying you don't have
any dessert

when I can see there's
a cookie jar right here!

- No, no.
- Don't go in...

Oh, my God!
This is the lair of Lucifer!

Okay, I have a couple
things to say here.

One, you gots to chill, amigo.

Second, I know that Danny
is a guilty Catholic weirdo,

but his guilt is also what makes
him so kind and wonderful.

And if our kid is half
that good, then I'd be happy.

So I guess what I'm saying is,

I think I would like our baby
to be raised Catholic.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And for the record,
you need some new blood.

When we went to mass
the other day,

it was like
the Crypt Keeper's wedding.

- Jeez, Louise.
- Hmm.

Median age is 79.

Our organist died... twice.

Yeah.

Okay, heck.
I'll tell you what.

Danny, you come to confession

and we'll talk about
your absolution, all right?

And you, little disciple...

I will see you
in the baptismal font.

Well, my work here is done.

All right, I'm gonna give these
to the Greek Orthodox.

- Thank you, Father.
- Good night, Father Michael.

Looks like someone's gonna be

coming to church
a lot more with me.

[sighs] How am I ever

gonna get used
to the crushing boredom?

Well, I have an idea.

London, 1985.

A little boy walks
with his father.

[child voice]
Daddy, who are those dirty men?

They look so sad?

[adult voice] Those are
no-good miners on strike.

Throw a rock at them
or I will swat you!

[normal voice]
So it was that I, Jeremy Reed,

found myself a stranger
among my own people.

What was I to do?

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0