All language subtitles for The Mindy Project s03e04. ff

(Mindy) It's pretty amazing

that, in the most romantic city
in the world,

I just happened to have found

the most romantic boyfriend
in the world,

and every date
is full of surprises.

Danny, how can something
as disgusting as an apple

make something as delicious
as apple pie?

Mindy, I have something
really important to ask you.

Would you like
some more apple pie?

[Gasps]

That's even better
than what I thought

you were gonna ask.

Come here.
I knew you'd like it.

Hey.
Hey.

Oh, my God.
Danny.

I love it.
Yeah?

Did you also happen to remember
my nose hair trimmer?

Love you.
Love you.

I'll be out in 20.
Okay.

[Trimmer buzzes]

(Mindy)
But perhaps most surprising,

not all surprises
are equally romantic.

Oh, my God,
Danny, this is heaven.

[Both moaning]

Wait.
Danny.

Danny, that doesn't go there.

Oh, my God, Danny!

I slipped.

[Upbeat music]

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/

why is it so hard to believe me?

Because slipping is like,
"whoa, whoa, whoa.

What happened?
Not, "whoa, whoa, oh, yeah."

Okay, you're twisting my sounds.

Besides, you weren't
where I was, okay?

You didn't see
how it all went down.

Danny, this is not Benghazi.

Well, sure feels like it.

Never thought I'd sympathize

with Hillary about anything.
Who is Hillary?

Sometimes I feel like you're
just making these people up.

Okay, so you're innocent?
You had no intent?

Of course no intent.
I'm catholic.

Even if I think about that...

They promote you to cardinal?
Hey, hey.

That is all over.
It's over.

Pope Frank is on the case.

He...

Morgan, we're just in the middle
of a conversation right now.

Okay, then these cobwebs
can just clean themselves.

Get out of here.

We're having a private conversation.
Thank you.

Can we please just go
talk about this in your office?

Please?
I don't know, Danny.

Because my office
only has one entrance,

and I don't think
that's enough for you anymore.

What?

I was just walking
to the subway,

and this scout was like,
"girl, you should model."

I'm like, "I already
have a job."

That's so weird.
The same thing happened to me.

Hey, what are you guys
talking about?

Dr. Reed, if you think
you're about to sit over here

and eat breakfast with us
and share our weekend stories,

you got another thing coming.

You're not still mad at me
for dating Lauren, are you?

You mean stealing Lauren?

Sorry, I'm #teampeter.
Uh-huh.

The whole office is #teampeter,

and we got merch.

We got a website.
We have a mascot.

I'm glad to see
#teampeter's assembled.

I am furious.

Last night, I graduated
from nurse practitioner school.

None of you came.

It was sad as hell.

Morgan bought
an extra wheel of brie

just for you, Dr. L.

Aw, that's so nice.
It really set me back.

Can I still have it?
All that's left is the crust.

Put it in my office.

Morgan, I'm sorry I didn't go.

It's just that Danny and I
had a date last night.

You've changed.

You always promised me you'd
never be one of those girls

who ditches their best friend
the minute they get a boyfriend.

I would never promise that.

All I've wanted in my life is

to abandon all my friends
for a boyfriend.

Calm down.
Morgan, I'm sorry that I could not attend.

But in my defense, I thought
that he was gonna be there.

Well, I didn't come
'cause I thought

he was gonna be there.

Me too.
That's my excuse too.

I'm really caught up
in their beef.

You just said it was
'cause of your boyfriend.

No, it's because
of their emotional issues

that I didn't go.
Felt uncomfortable.

Great, now the whole
office hates me.

I'm sorry.
I can't hear you.

I think it's because
my heart has been ripped out

through my ears
and there is blood

spurting all over
innocent Tamara.

That's not scientifically sound,
and you know it!

Do you know what?
It's fine.

Be team Peter.
I don't need friends.

I spent all of form three
locked in a cupboard.

Excuse me.

(Mindy) Peter...

You know know a lot
about skeevy guy stuff, right?

I do follow
the Internet chat rooms

until the government
shuts them down.

Perfect, you're my most
perverted friend.

Be honest with me.

Have you ever
been with a girl in bed

and then accidentally slipped?

Nope.
Danny's lying.

What? Danny?
I'm not talking about Danny.

No man in the history
of time has ever been in bed

and "slipped"
and not been lying.

How do you know that?

What's the most valuable
thing in the world to you,

the thing that you treasure
above all else?

My signed photo of Kris Jenner.

Do you ever not know
exactly where that is

or exactly what's doing?

No, that thing's locked
behind plate glass in my...

That son of a...

Hey, Danny.
Hey.

Hey.

Wow, is that a smile I see?

I thought I saw
the last of those.

Well, I've been
thinking about it,

and I really want
to believe you.

Then believe me.
Just believe me.

I believe you all the time.

I believe that you floss.

I believe
that your gym is closed

for a multi-year remodel.

That's sweet.
Yeah.

You're sweet.
Thanks.

Which is why I will believe you...
Great.

If you swear to God
that it was an accident.

Oh, let's leave God out of this.

He doesn't know about us.

I told him
you were my assistant.

Okay, I'm...
I'm gonna level with you.

Yeah, level away, pervert.

Okay, here it goes.

My eyes have gotten bad,

really bad, and in the dark,

I-I can't see anything.

It's just a big...
Big jumble of parts.

Danny, why didn't
you just tell me?

Well, because you always
give me a hard time

about being old.

If you go blind,
I'm gonna get so fat.

It's not a big deal.

Let's just forget about it
and move past it.

If I don't see ever again,
I don't see.

Oh, my sweet Danny.

We're gonna go
to the ophthalmologist.

We're gonna go see Colin right now.
Now?

(Colin) Fantastic news, Danny.

You are not going blind.
Your eyes are fine.

Colin, as a doctor,

I'm gonna have to tell you
that you are wrong.

As an eye doctor,
I have to tell you I am right.

Okay, okay,
don't phone this in, man.

Come on, let's...
Let's do it again.

Danny, Mindy, I am so glad

I stepped away
from my son's second birthday

to Wade into what is clearly
a relationship issue.

I'm gonna go.

Colin, Colin, I'm so sorry.
Sorry, Colin.

Did you know that it was
Caleb's second birthday?

You think I want to hurt Caleb?
I love Caleb.

Okay, fine, you know what?
You're right.

I did it on purpose.
I did.

I knew it, you stupid sneak.
Stop, stop.

I assumed you'd done it before, okay?
What?

Yeah, you're always
bragging about

you're so crazy in the sack.

I just assumed
you'd done it before

with your long list
of companions.

Is that what you think of me?

That I'm just some, like,
gorgeous, high-class prostitute?

Look, I've seen
your cable bill, all right?

You're not pay-per-viewing
boxing matches.

I'm sorry.
That is anime pornography,

okay, which is
a victimless crime.

The only victims
are the animators.

They pay them next
to nothing in Korea.

What?
Doesn't matter.

I will not be slut-shamed
in an ophthalmologist office.

I'm gonna leave.
What are you doing?

Don't want you to get any ideas.

Oh, that's ridiculous.
Mindy.

(Mindy) Oh, cookie dough,

please solve my problems.

(Peter) Oh, Mindy.

Stress eating cookie dough?

Was I right about Danny?
Yes.

And the worst part is, Peter,

he thought it was something
I had done thousands of times,

like jaywalking
or lying under oath.

Is that what he thinks of me?

Well, I mean, all your shorts
do say "porn star"

across the back.

But that's the problem.

Look, I know
that I talk this big talk,

but really, I'm a prude.

A prude that slays dudes
like whoa,

but still.
Mm-hmm.

Danny's so sexually experienced.

He's been with a ton of women,

and I'm worried
I'm boring in bed.

Is that a big problem?
No, stop it.

Not at all.

It's a huge problem.

I almost broke up
with the girl of my dreams

because my water bed
made her seasick.

I would break up with you
for having a water bed.

Look, Danny loves you, okay?

He just expects you
to know everything

because you're old.
Hot as hell.

Well, there's plenty of
other stuff you could do

that I've seen online,

awful, nasty, depraved stuff.

I could teach you.

If I wanted to have
a hands-on sexual education,

I'd go back to computer camp.

I meant I could talk you
through it,

dispense my knowledge.

I will warn you, though.

My course is graded on a curve.

Oh, man, that was so cool.

Yeah.

[Serene banjo playing]

El, darkness, my old friend

Oh, a person,
like in the picture.

I'm actually just waiting
for everybody to leave.

I didn't want to run into Peter
in the elevator

and start a row.

Now it's just me
and the great American songbook.

Dr. Reed, would you like
to get something to eat

with me tomorrow night?

You'd have dinner with me

even though
I'm the office pariah?

Nothing would make me happier.

Oh, I know this great place.

The waitresses wear
hockey jerseys and no pants.

That's so lovely, Morgan.
I'll pick the place.

But I really appreciate you
inviting me.

And now that I'm
a nurse practitioner,

it's also my treat.

Oh.

Just have to stop at
the pawnshop on the way.

I'll pay.

Welcome to Peter Prentice's
banging in bed booty camp.

For tonight's demonstration,

I will be playing
the part of Danny,

and the part of Mindy
will be played by...

If you say Cee Lo Green,
I will kill you.

Brian the skeleton.

Oh, I get it.

'Cause I'm so skinny,
I'm like a skeleton.

Yeah.

So we'll start with the basics,

just a little "have you ever?"

Something like this. Hmm?
Of course.

Have you done this?
No.

No.
No.

How is it even sexual?
Okay.

No.

I call this the neck tie.

Let it drop,
and then it's an ascot.

Oh, my God, what is that?

It's called a bagpipe.

Mindy, help.
I'm not kidding.

Oh.

Don't get scared, the hip is
supposed to pop out.

Stop, stop, stop,
I'm just gonna do

the other thing
that Danny wants to do.

If that's what you want

and you think is empowering
for feminist reasons.

Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah.

I'm gonna do it,

because Danny
is an amazing boyfriend

and I don't want to lose him.

So what if he wants to go
to fifth base?

Maybe I'll love it.

No.
You won't.

Hey, buddy.
Yo.

Cool glasses.
Oh, thank you.

Got them at the salvation army.

About to throw them out.
I said, "I'll take those."

So I got you a little
something-something

for graduating and becoming
a nurse practitioner.

The photo of you and your dad
you keep on your desk?

That's exactly what I wanted.

Thank you.
Yeah.

Look at those two little rascals
staring at me.

Hey, I'm so sorry that I missed

your graduation party.

It was a great party.

Had three large pizzas.
Went down to the dock.

No one showed up.
The seagulls were happy.

I think I just got
wrapped up with my boyfriend,

and I forgot the relationship
that's most important,

that of a casual
work acquaintance.

Water under the bridge.

Tell me everything.

What have you been doing?
Who have you been doing?

My boyfriend that I mentioned.

Duh, my best friend.

I've always wanted to know.

Now that you're a nurse practitioner...
Yeah.

You can prescribe
medicine, right?

Oh, yeah.

Now I'm just another
drug dealer for uncle Sam.

Whatever happened
to preventative medicine,

am I right?
That's a great observation.

Thank you.

I have a lot of them,
but I don't even

have a pen to write them down.

Hey, I need you
to prescribe me something.

I'm about to do something
that I cannot be awake for,

but I also legally
can't be asleep for.

So you're using me.

I got to tell you,
I expected more

from my dog's godmother.

Morgan, come on and help me!
Ow!

Okay? If you knew what
I was about to go through,

you would understand.

You know I can't prescribe it
for myself.

Okay, fine.

I'll write you a prescription
for a very strong sedative.

I take it whenever
I have to do something scary,

like watch a scary movie
or if I hear a scary story

or, you know...

[Speaking gibberish]

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera?

You can say it both ways.
All right.

Hey, what you watching?

The history channel's
counting down

Hitler's 20 wackiest...

Whoa.

Why aren't you wearing
your grandma's bathrobe?

I love nana's bathrobe,

but I thought you would
probably like this

a little bit better.

And you're such a good boyfriend

that I thought tonight
we could do things

the way you like.

Scotch.
Yeah, a little scotch.

Okay.

[Coughs]

You okay?
Mmm, yuck.

You know what goes
really well with scotch?

Let me put on some the blues.

Blues?
Mm-hmm.

Okay, sure.
I'll put on blues.

You always complain
you don't relate

to their ethnic struggles.

I think you've probably
gotten me confused

with someone else,
because I have gone on record

to say how much
I love the blues.

[Singing hoarsely]

I love that kind of stuff,
just like real complainy-like.

It's good.

I like it better
than Taylor Swift.

What?

Are loving it.

Okay, what's going on?
What?

I love scotch
and I love the blues.

No, you don't.
You don't.

What are you doing?

Wait, is this because of what
I said in the eye doctor?

Look, I don't think
you're one of

these sexually
freaky-deaky people.

I don't think you are, okay?

The other night,
yes, I got carried away.

The giants won.
I used my pizza stone.

You were wearing
those sexy stockings.

My compression socks.

The point is, we don't have
to do that stuff.

Is it because you've done it
with so many girls

and now it's boring to you

and you want to do
something even weirder?

I will not let you pee on me.
No, that's not what I'm saying at all.

What I'm saying is,
when I'm with you, it's enough.

Cool.

That's nice.
You know?

We don't need all those,
for lack of better words,

fireworks.

I mean, we are very, very, very,

very comfortable together,
like an old shoe.

I'm an old shoe.
Yeah, like what nurses wear.

Like what Beverly would wear.

All right, I got to get
this nighttime routine going.

These chompers aren't gonna
water pick themselves.

[Sighs]

(Jeremy) Oh, Morgan,

I'm so desperately lonely.

Sometimes I wonder if I've paid
too high a price for love.

I know something about that.

I mean, Tamara and I can't walk
through Harlem together,

'cause we're in a limo.

What?

I'm out of money.

What the hell is he doing here?

Let me explain.
Let me explain.

I invited both
of you here because I...

Are you trying
to parent trap us?

Are you the Lindsay Lohan...

I said let me explain.

- But that's exactly right.
- Oh, my God.

That's actually kind
of how I would've explained it.

Okay, please, enough fighting.

Everyone's sick of it.
Sit down.

Sit down.

The three of us
are gonna be at this table.

We're gonna crack open
a nice old bottle

of red ketchup,

and we're gonna dump it
on our fries,

and we're gonna chow down,
and we're gonna eat.

And we're gonna get
to the bottom of this,

and I'm gonna mediate,
and I'm not gonna leave...

Excuse me.
Dr. L's texting me.

Dr. Prentice, Dr. Reed,
you're on your own.

[Phone blips]

[Phone blips]

Oh, my God.

I miss and love you too.

Exclam, exclam, exclam, exclam.

[Phone blips]

[Chuckles]

[Laughs]

I've actually written you
an apology poem.

It's called
master and apprentice.

Would you like to hear it?

I would love to

take that poem
and shove it down your throat

and then give you the finger
through your belly button.

Okay, that's it.
You know what?

I didn't steal Lauren.
She left you.

You know why?

'Cause you're over 30,
yet you have four roommates,

two pair of underpants,
and no toothbrush.

You were the one
that got her thinking

those things were bad.

Well, your face is bad.

Oh, my face!

Morgan, he's on fire.
My beautiful face!

Oh, my God!

Danny, I agreed to go
on vacation with Morgan, okay?

Why don't you cool it
on the drinks, all right?

You're being real funny tonight.

Yeah, I feel hilarious.
Come here.

Come here,
I'm gonna make you laugh.

I'm gonna make you laugh
all night.

Hold on a sec,
I'm still working my ears.

[Echoing]
Wow, it's gonna be a two swabber.

Huh?
Huh?

What?

Oh, boy.

Okay.

[Playful music]

Danny, Danny.

Danny, something really weird
is happening, Danny.

Danny.
What's going on?

Nothing.
I just missed you a lot.

Hey.

And I'm feeling super horny.
You okay?

Oh.
Oh, God.

[Chuckles]

Mindy.

Min.

[Shouts] Oh, my God, Mindy.

I'm Detective Olivia Penderghast.

Ma'am, we have reason to believe
that you were roofie'd

with intent by this man.

Wait a minute, I thought
you were from hospital billing.

Okay, no.
No, no, no.

He is my boyfriend.

It's always the ones you trust.
No, no.

He did not roofie me.
I roofie'd myself.

What?
Why would you do that?

Are you sure?
You want to take a minute?

'Cause I think it was this guy.

No, I'm sorry.
He's innocent.

You make me sick.

It's scum like you

that make me
drink myself to sleep.

What are you talking about?
It wasn't so bad.

What's going on here?
Okay, wait.

Now I'm gonna be
in the police blotter.

That's your thing.
Okay, I'm so sorry, Danny.

What happened?

No!

Oh, my God.

Whoa, whoa, Danny.

Your sex put her
in the hospital.

What are you packing, bwaby?

Wait a minute,
you told Pete this?

I told him because
I was very stressed out

about our situation.

He offered to...
What happened to your eyebrows?

Ask Jeremy.

It wasn't enough
he took Lauren from me.

He had to take the only straight
hairs on my body as well.

You got plenty
on your back, you...

Those are straight!
Those are straight!

The ones on my back are curled!

Okay, okay.

You guys are being
crazy dramatic.

This is coming from
the most dramatic person here.

Remember when I almost jumped
off that low bridge

because I didn't agree
with the American Idol results?

Clay Aiken.
This feud is lame, and it's unprofessional.

Yeah, you guys aren't even
famous enough to be in a feud.

You're just two basics having a bitch fest.
Yes.

Okay, come on, guys.
Let's do it.

Bury the hatchet.
Come on.

What did you say, Peter?

Should we forge
a detente de guerre?

At work, we will not fight,

but outside of work,
we'll fight constantly.

And will you please
say one sentence

like a human being?

Indubitably.
Damn it.

I look like skeletor.

What's going on?
Babe, please let me explain.

Babe, just let me explain
the details of our vacation,

which is gonna be amazing.

Hey, I bought a soda,
and two came out.

Were you not gonna get me one?

Yeah, no, I was.

Mindy, why do you think
you're not

sexually advanced enough for me?

Because you called me
an old shoe,

and you're basically
like James Caan

at the playboy mansion.

Okay, that's it.
No more lies.

You want the truth
about the other night?

Have I given you
the impression that I don't?

Okay, here's the real truth.

Didn't mean anything,

and I don't want you
to be anything.

I just tried something,
all right?

That's it.

Because America was built
on trying things.

Okay.
No, no, no, this is good.

When the pioneers went out west

on the wagon train,

they didn't know
what they were gonna find,

bears, scorpions,
but they just tried it out.

Weed.
No, not weed. Gold, the grand canyon.

I mean, California, no, thanks,

but the San Diego zoo's nice.

In America, you just go for it.

You just go for it, and, yeah,

sometimes you pay the price,

but other times...

Other times, jackpot.

Okay, I-I don't understand this,
how this is the real truth.

Because it is.

Sometimes a guy
just has to try something.

Well, why didn't you
tell me this before?

'Cause I'd never done it before.

Neither have I.
You haven't?

No.
Oh, well...

That's good.

See that, big guy?
We can work with that.

Okay, you don't have
to clear me with God.

I'm fine.
God's obsessed with me.

Hey, take it easy.
She's taken.

Just kidding.
Just kidding.

So we good?
We are.

Just if you want
to try something freaky,

just run it by me first.

Yes, I promise.

You ever have sex
in a hospital bed?

Danny, someone could walk in.

I should've just
started kissing you.

Asking sucks.
Damn it, you're right.

Yeah.
No, no.

The moment's...
Yeah, it's ruined.

Let's drink our sodas
and watch Colbert.

Okay.

Morgan, Peter and I have been
doing some thinking.

You're gonna share Lauren.

Weekdays, weekends.
This is a good plan.

No.
God, no, no.

No, no, we just
came here to say,

in the midst of our feud,

we did neglect
to give you proper due

for your new degree.

We got you something.
It's from the heart.

It's the most beautiful
thing I've ever seen.

Do you have, like,
a gift receipt?

Gift receipt?
I mean, your... it's... your name's on it.

It's monogrammed.

You know, it's tookers
with an s.

We gave it a shot.
It's the thought that counts.

I will wear it with pride.

Awesome.
At home.

You guys, I love it.

I love it.

(Mindy) Ooh, our first freaky
consensual adventure.

Yeah.

Ah!

[Groans]

You bit my tongue.
I'm so sorry.

The whipped cream
just tasted so delicious.

Ow, Mindy, God.
Ow!

God, Mindy, get off my hand!

No!
Are you kidding me?

Ow!

Mindy, let go.
Let go of my hand.

Ow!

Danny, it just tastes so good.

I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.

What's wrong with you?
We just ate.

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0