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1
00:00:07,641 --> 00:00:08,676
And now...
2
00:00:08,709 --> 00:00:11,278
It's...
3
00:00:14,582 --> 00:00:19,053
Monty python's flying circuses.
4
00:00:43,310 --> 00:00:44,879
Good evening
5
00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:47,615
And welcome to the arthur
ludlow memorial baths, newport
6
00:00:47,648 --> 00:00:49,149
For this year's finals
7
00:00:49,183 --> 00:00:51,552
Of the all-england
summarize proust competition.
8
00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:54,088
As you may remember,
each contestant has to give
9
00:00:54,121 --> 00:00:57,324
A brief summary of proust's
a la recherche du temps perdu
10
00:00:57,358 --> 00:01:01,729
Once in a swimsuit
and once in evening dress.
11
00:01:01,762 --> 00:01:03,564
The field has now narrowed
to three finalists
12
00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:05,032
And your judges tonight are
13
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:08,102
Alec and eric bedser,
ex-surrey cricketers;
14
00:01:08,135 --> 00:01:10,738
Stewart surridge,
ex-captain of surrey;
15
00:01:10,771 --> 00:01:15,142
Omar sharif;laurie fishlock,
ex-surrey opening batsman;
16
00:01:15,175 --> 00:01:17,978
Peter may, the former
surrey and england captain;
17
00:01:18,012 --> 00:01:20,581
And yehudi menuhin,
the world-famous violinist
18
00:01:20,614 --> 00:01:23,651
And the president
of the surrey cricket club.
19
00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:26,654
And right now it's time
to meet your host for tonight
20
00:01:26,687 --> 00:01:29,523
Arthur mee!
21
00:01:29,557 --> 00:01:31,292
Good evening and welcome.
22
00:01:31,325 --> 00:01:34,261
Whereas proust would say,
"le malade imaginaire
23
00:01:34,295 --> 00:01:36,864
"de recondition
et de toute surveillance
24
00:01:36,897 --> 00:01:38,666
Est bientot la meme chose. "
25
00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:41,468
Remember, each contestant
this evening
26
00:01:41,502 --> 00:01:44,772
Has a maximum of
15 seconds to summarize
27
00:01:44,805 --> 00:01:46,774
A la recherche du temps perdu
28
00:01:46,807 --> 00:01:48,876
And on the proustometer here
29
00:01:48,909 --> 00:01:51,779
You can see
exactly how far he gets.
30
00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:55,015
So let's crack straight on with
our first contestant tonight.
31
00:01:55,049 --> 00:02:01,021
He's last year's semifinalist,
from luton, mr. harry bagot.
32
00:02:01,055 --> 00:02:02,056
Hello, harry.
33
00:02:02,089 --> 00:02:04,024
Now, there's
the summarizing spot.
34
00:02:04,058 --> 00:02:06,260
You're on the
summarizing spot.
35
00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:08,862
15 seconds from... now!
36
00:02:08,896 --> 00:02:10,831
Proust's novel ostensibly tells
37
00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:12,700
Of the irrevocability
of time lost
38
00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:15,302
The forfeiture of innocence
through experience
39
00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:18,472
The reinstallment of
extratemporal values of time regained.
40
00:02:18,505 --> 00:02:20,474
Ultimately the novel
is both optimistic
41
00:02:20,507 --> 00:02:23,611
And set within the context of
a humane religious experience
42
00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:26,247
Restating as it does
the concept of intemporality.
43
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:30,084
In the first volume, swann,
the family friend, visits...
44
00:02:30,117 --> 00:02:31,252
Well tried, harry.
45
00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:32,887
A good attempt there
46
00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,356
But unfortunately he chose
a general appraisal of the work
47
00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:37,524
Before getting on to the story,
and as you can see
48
00:02:37,558 --> 00:02:38,926
He only got as far
as page one of swann's way
49
00:02:38,959 --> 00:02:40,861
The first of the seven volumes.
50
00:02:40,895 --> 00:02:43,464
A good try, though,
and very nice posture.
51
00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:45,733
Harry bagot,
you're from luton?
52
00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:46,901
Yes, arthur, yeah.
53
00:02:46,934 --> 00:02:48,702
Now, harry, what made
you first want to try
54
00:02:48,736 --> 00:02:50,404
And start
summarizing proust?
55
00:02:50,437 --> 00:02:51,539
Well, I first entered
56
00:02:51,572 --> 00:02:53,541
A seaside summarizing
proust competition
57
00:02:53,574 --> 00:02:55,276
When I was on holiday
in bournemouth
58
00:02:55,309 --> 00:02:57,511
And my doctor
encouraged me with it.
59
00:02:57,545 --> 00:03:01,181
And, harry, what
are your hobbies outside summarizing?
60
00:03:01,215 --> 00:03:04,618
Well, there's golf,
and strangling animals.
61
00:03:04,652 --> 00:03:07,254
Well, there he goes--
harry bagot.
62
00:03:07,288 --> 00:03:09,523
He must have let himself
down a bit on the hobbies.
63
00:03:09,557 --> 00:03:11,358
Golf's not very popular
around here.
64
00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:13,827
But never mind, a good try.
65
00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:17,264
Ladies and gentlemen,
mr. rutherford, from leicester.
66
00:03:17,298 --> 00:03:18,499
Are you ready, ronald?
67
00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:19,333
Yeah, yeah.
68
00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:20,668
Right, at your
summarizing spot.
69
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:23,904
You have got
15 seconds from... now!
70
00:03:23,938 --> 00:03:26,040
Er... ooh!
71
00:03:26,073 --> 00:03:27,575
Er, oh, swann, swann!
72
00:03:27,608 --> 00:03:29,043
Er, swann.
73
00:03:29,076 --> 00:03:31,979
There's this house...
there's this house, er, and...
74
00:03:32,012 --> 00:03:33,147
It's in the morning,
it's in the morning.
75
00:03:33,180 --> 00:03:34,748
No, no, no,
it's in the evening...
76
00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:36,217
In the evening,
and then there's a garden
77
00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:37,751
Uh... and, er,
this bloke comes in...
78
00:03:37,785 --> 00:03:38,852
Bloke comes in.
79
00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:40,054
What's his name?
what's his name?
80
00:03:40,087 --> 00:03:41,855
Oh, god, just said it,
just said it.
81
00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:44,692
Uh, big bloke-- swann! swann!
82
00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:45,693
Oh, out of time.
83
00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:49,496
I'm sorry,
we're out of time.
84
00:03:49,530 --> 00:03:51,465
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like you to welcome
85
00:03:51,498 --> 00:03:54,301
The last of our all-england
finalists this evening
86
00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:57,171
From bingley,
the bolton choral society
87
00:03:57,204 --> 00:03:59,607
And their leader,
superintendent mcgough.
88
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:00,741
All right, bingley.
89
00:04:00,774 --> 00:04:02,610
Remember, you've
got 15 seconds
90
00:04:02,643 --> 00:04:04,712
To summarize proust
in their entirety
91
00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:07,047
Starting from... now!
92
00:04:07,081 --> 00:04:08,249
Proust, in
his first book
93
00:04:08,282 --> 00:04:09,583
Wrote about,
wrote about, fa, la, la...
94
00:04:09,617 --> 00:04:10,584
Proust, in his first
book, wrote about...
95
00:04:10,618 --> 00:04:11,752
He wrote about...
96
00:04:11,785 --> 00:04:12,853
Proust, in his first book
97
00:04:12,887 --> 00:04:13,921
Wrote about the...
98
00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:15,089
He wrote about,
he wrote about
99
00:04:15,122 --> 00:04:16,257
He wrote about,
he wrote about
100
00:04:16,290 --> 00:04:17,424
He wrote about,
he wrote about
101
00:04:17,458 --> 00:04:18,759
Proust, in his first book
102
00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:23,264
In his first book,
wrote about the...
103
00:04:23,297 --> 00:04:24,798
Very ambitious try there
104
00:04:24,832 --> 00:04:27,134
But in fact the least
successful of the evening.
105
00:04:27,167 --> 00:04:29,470
They didn't even get
as far as the first volume.
106
00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:32,273
Well, ladies and gentlemen
107
00:04:32,306 --> 00:04:35,576
I don't think any of our
contestants this evening
108
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,444
Have succeeded in encapsulating
109
00:04:37,478 --> 00:04:40,214
The intricacies
of proust's masterwork.
110
00:04:40,247 --> 00:04:43,317
So I'm going to award
the first prize this evening
111
00:04:43,350 --> 00:04:48,055
To the girl
with the biggest tits.
112
00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:24,558
Mount everest--
113
00:05:24,592 --> 00:05:27,795
Forbidding, aloof, terrifying.
114
00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:31,932
The mountain with
the biggest tits in the world.
115
00:05:31,966 --> 00:05:34,935
Start again!
116
00:05:37,872 --> 00:05:39,473
Mount everest--
117
00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:43,010
Forbidding, aloof, terrifying.
118
00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:45,112
This year, this remote
himalayan mountain
119
00:05:45,145 --> 00:05:46,580
This mystical temple
120
00:05:46,614 --> 00:05:49,350
Surrounded by the most
difficult terrain in the world
121
00:05:49,383 --> 00:05:52,386
Repulsed yet another attempt
to conquer it
122
00:05:52,419 --> 00:05:56,490
This time by the international
hairdressers' expedition.
123
00:05:56,523 --> 00:05:57,925
In such freezing
adverse conditions
124
00:05:57,958 --> 00:05:59,994
Man comes very close
to breaking point.
125
00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:01,762
What was the real cause
of the disharmony
126
00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:03,964
Which destroyed
their chances of success?
127
00:06:03,998 --> 00:06:06,133
Well, people would
keep taking your hairdryer
128
00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:07,468
And never returning it.
129
00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:09,870
There was a lot of bitching
in the tents.
130
00:06:09,904 --> 00:06:13,073
You couldn't get
near the mirror.
131
00:06:13,107 --> 00:06:14,742
The leader of
the expedition was
132
00:06:14,775 --> 00:06:16,677
Colonel sir john
"teasy weasy" butler
133
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:20,347
Veteran of k2,
annapurna and vidals.
134
00:06:20,381 --> 00:06:23,317
His plan was to ignore the
usual route round the south col
135
00:06:23,350 --> 00:06:25,252
And to make
straight for the top.
136
00:06:25,286 --> 00:06:28,489
Well, we established
base salon here
137
00:06:28,522 --> 00:06:32,159
And climbed quite steadily
up to mario's, here.
138
00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:35,329
From here, using crampons
and cutting ice steps as we went
139
00:06:35,362 --> 00:06:38,299
We moved steadily up the lhotse
face to the north ridge
140
00:06:38,332 --> 00:06:39,833
Establishing camp iii
141
00:06:39,867 --> 00:06:42,970
Where we could get a hot meal, a
manicure and a shampoo and set.
142
00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:45,105
Could it work?
143
00:06:45,139 --> 00:06:47,474
Could this 18-year-old
hairdresser from brixton
144
00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:49,677
Succeed where
others had failed?
145
00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:51,045
The situation was complicated
146
00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:53,847
By the imminent arrival
of the monsoon storms.
147
00:06:53,881 --> 00:06:55,382
Patrice takes up the story.
148
00:06:55,416 --> 00:06:58,886
Well, we knew as well as anyone
that the monsoons were due
149
00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:00,154
But the thing was
150
00:07:00,187 --> 00:07:02,623
Ricky and I had just had
a blow-dry and rinse
151
00:07:02,656 --> 00:07:04,658
And we couldn't go out
for a couple of days.
152
00:07:04,692 --> 00:07:06,060
After a blazing row
153
00:07:06,093 --> 00:07:08,362
The germans and the italians
had turned back
154
00:07:08,395 --> 00:07:10,064
Taking with them
the last of the hairnets.
155
00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:12,833
On the third day,
a blizzard blew up.
156
00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:15,102
Temperatures fell
to minus 30 centigrade.
157
00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:18,138
Inside the little tent,
things were getting desperate.
158
00:07:18,172 --> 00:07:19,607
Well, things have
got so bad
159
00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:20,941
That we've been
forced to use
160
00:07:20,975 --> 00:07:22,743
The last of the heavy
oxygen equipment
161
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,645
Just to keep
the dryers going.
162
00:07:24,678 --> 00:07:25,679
Cup of
milo, love.
163
00:07:25,713 --> 00:07:28,549
Oh, she's a treas.
164
00:07:28,582 --> 00:07:31,585
But a new factor
had entered the race.
165
00:07:31,619 --> 00:07:33,053
A team of french chiropodists
166
00:07:33,087 --> 00:07:34,455
Working with
brand-new corn plasters
167
00:07:34,488 --> 00:07:36,090
And dr. scholl's
mountaineering sandals
168
00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:37,591
Were covering ground fast.
169
00:07:37,625 --> 00:07:40,261
The glasgow orpheus
male voice choir were tackling
170
00:07:40,294 --> 00:07:41,729
The difficult north col.
171
00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:45,399
Altogether 14 expeditions
were at his heels.
172
00:07:45,432 --> 00:07:46,433
This was it.
173
00:07:46,467 --> 00:07:48,469
Rick had to make a decision.
174
00:07:48,502 --> 00:07:51,272
Well, he decided
to open a salon.
175
00:07:51,305 --> 00:07:54,742
It was a tremendous success.
176
00:07:54,775 --> 00:07:56,510
Challenging everest?
177
00:07:56,544 --> 00:07:58,679
Why not drop in
at ricky pule's--
178
00:07:58,712 --> 00:08:01,715
Only 24,000 feet
from this cinema.
179
00:08:01,749 --> 00:08:04,285
Ricky and maurice offer
a variety of styles
180
00:08:04,318 --> 00:08:07,588
For the well-groomed climber.
181
00:08:07,621 --> 00:08:10,257
Like sherpa tenzing
and sir edmund hillary
182
00:08:10,291 --> 00:08:16,363
Be number one on top
when you're number one on top.
183
00:08:17,031 --> 00:08:20,234
This cinema is proud to present
184
00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:24,738
20th-century frog's production:
185
00:08:30,444 --> 00:08:33,247
Oh, james!
186
00:08:33,914 --> 00:08:36,951
Oh, beatrice!
187
00:08:37,985 --> 00:08:40,955
Oh... james!
188
00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:45,025
Oh... oh, beatrice!
189
00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:47,962
Oh... oh, james
190
00:08:47,995 --> 00:08:51,432
I could make such a fool
of myself over you.
191
00:08:51,465 --> 00:08:55,202
Oh, beatrice, do... do!
192
00:08:55,236 --> 00:08:58,839
Oh, yes, james, yes!
193
00:09:04,879 --> 00:09:07,681
Oh, james!
194
00:09:09,617 --> 00:09:12,286
Beatrice!
195
00:09:12,319 --> 00:09:15,289
Oh... james!
196
00:09:17,124 --> 00:09:19,860
Beatrice!
197
00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:26,033
Oh... james, I could
make such a fool of myself over you.
198
00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:29,904
Oh, beatrice, do... do!
199
00:09:30,437 --> 00:09:34,041
Oh, yes, james, yes!
200
00:09:41,882 --> 00:09:44,852
Oh... james!
201
00:09:45,653 --> 00:09:48,856
Oh... beatrice!
202
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:53,060
Oh... james!
203
00:09:55,930 --> 00:09:57,898
Oh... beatrice!
204
00:09:57,932 --> 00:09:58,899
Oh, james...
205
00:09:58,933 --> 00:10:00,067
Oh, shut up!
206
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,136
Hello, is that the fire brigade?
207
00:10:02,169 --> 00:10:04,672
No, sorry, wrong number.
208
00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:08,209
That phone's not stopped
ringing all day.
209
00:10:08,242 --> 00:10:09,910
What happens when
you've mixed the batter?
210
00:10:09,944 --> 00:10:11,545
Do you dice the ham
with the coriander?
211
00:10:11,579 --> 00:10:12,913
No, no, you put them
in separately
212
00:10:12,947 --> 00:10:15,482
When the vine leaves
are ready.
213
00:10:15,516 --> 00:10:16,517
Oh, no, not again.
214
00:10:16,550 --> 00:10:20,221
Take it off
the hook.
215
00:10:21,422 --> 00:10:23,824
I can't get
the fire brigade, mervyn.
216
00:10:23,857 --> 00:10:26,493
Here, let me try, dear.
217
00:10:26,527 --> 00:10:28,095
You go and
play the cello.
218
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,763
Oh, it doesn't do
any good, dear.
219
00:10:29,797 --> 00:10:32,933
Look, do you want
that little hamster to live or not?
220
00:10:32,967 --> 00:10:34,068
Yes, I do, mervyn.
221
00:10:34,101 --> 00:10:38,339
Well, go and play
the cello!
222
00:10:39,073 --> 00:10:40,674
Hello?
223
00:10:40,708 --> 00:10:42,643
Hello, operator?
224
00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:46,847
Yes, we're trying
to get the fire brigade.
225
00:10:46,881 --> 00:10:50,251
No, the fire brigade.
226
00:10:50,284 --> 00:10:52,119
Yes... yes...
227
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:55,756
Yes... yes... yes...
228
00:10:56,023 --> 00:10:59,627
Yes... yes... yes...
229
00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:03,364
Yes... yes... what?
230
00:11:10,571 --> 00:11:12,706
Size eight.
231
00:11:12,740 --> 00:11:16,343
Yes... yes... yes...
232
00:11:16,510 --> 00:11:20,114
Yes... yes... yes...
233
00:11:20,548 --> 00:11:22,249
No, of course not.
234
00:11:22,283 --> 00:11:23,417
Yes...
235
00:11:23,450 --> 00:11:25,786
He's gone, dear.
236
00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:26,787
What?
237
00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:29,990
He's slipped away.
238
00:11:30,024 --> 00:11:31,091
What?
239
00:11:31,125 --> 00:11:32,960
The sodding
hamster's dead!
240
00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:35,563
Oh, no!
241
00:11:35,596 --> 00:11:36,897
What were you playing?
242
00:11:36,931 --> 00:11:39,333
Some mozart
concertos, dear.
243
00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:41,001
What...? how did he...?
244
00:11:41,035 --> 00:11:42,836
His eyes just closed
245
00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:46,106
And he fell into
the wastepaper basket.
246
00:11:46,140 --> 00:11:47,575
I've covered him
247
00:11:47,608 --> 00:11:49,677
With a copy of
the charlie george football book.
248
00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:51,378
Right, you hang on.
249
00:11:51,412 --> 00:11:52,746
I must go and see him.
250
00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:54,882
There was nothing
we could do, mervyn.
251
00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:57,284
If we'd have had
the whole philharmonic orchestra in there
252
00:11:57,318 --> 00:11:59,353
He'd still have gone.
253
00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:00,588
I'm going upstairs.
254
00:12:00,621 --> 00:12:02,356
I can't bear it.
255
00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:03,524
There isn't
an upstairs, dear.
256
00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:06,260
It's a bungalow.
257
00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:07,695
Damn!
258
00:12:07,728 --> 00:12:08,996
Hello?
259
00:12:09,029 --> 00:12:10,197
Oh, I'm sorry
to keep you waiting.
260
00:12:10,231 --> 00:12:13,601
It's just that...
261
00:12:14,101 --> 00:12:16,837
Size three, yes.
262
00:12:16,871 --> 00:12:21,375
It's just, we've lost
a dear one, and my son was...
263
00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:24,445
Yes, that's right,
size eight, yes, and...
264
00:12:24,478 --> 00:12:26,113
Oh, I see.
265
00:12:26,146 --> 00:12:29,083
Yes... yes... yes...
266
00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:30,417
Yes, yes...
267
00:12:30,451 --> 00:12:33,520
Yes... yes, I see, uh...
268
00:12:33,554 --> 00:12:35,189
Yes.
269
00:12:35,222 --> 00:12:37,224
Yes, i... i...
270
00:12:37,258 --> 00:12:38,425
Yes.
271
00:12:38,459 --> 00:12:40,027
Oh, yes... no!
272
00:12:40,060 --> 00:12:42,963
No... yes... I see.
273
00:12:42,997 --> 00:12:45,366
They can't get
the fire brigade, mervyn.
274
00:12:45,399 --> 00:12:47,201
Will the boys' brigade do?
275
00:12:47,234 --> 00:12:49,136
No! they'd
be useless!
276
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:52,940
No, he doesn't want anyone
at the moment, thank you.
277
00:12:52,973 --> 00:12:55,676
No... yes.
278
00:12:55,709 --> 00:12:57,778
Yes-- no, thank you for trying.
279
00:12:57,811 --> 00:12:59,513
Yes.
280
00:12:59,547 --> 00:13:00,514
Yes...
281
00:13:00,548 --> 00:13:01,982
No, saxones.
282
00:13:02,016 --> 00:13:03,517
Yes.
283
00:13:03,551 --> 00:13:06,620
Yes, thank you, bye-bye.
284
00:13:06,654 --> 00:13:07,688
Mummy!
285
00:13:07,721 --> 00:13:10,090
Oh, eamonn!
286
00:13:10,124 --> 00:13:12,359
Mervyn, look,
it's our eamonn!
287
00:13:12,393 --> 00:13:14,828
Oh, let me look at you.
288
00:13:14,862 --> 00:13:16,096
How well you're looking.
289
00:13:16,130 --> 00:13:18,632
Tell me, how is it
in dublin?
290
00:13:18,666 --> 00:13:21,168
Well, things is pretty
bad there at the moment
291
00:13:21,202 --> 00:13:22,570
But there does
seem some hope
292
00:13:22,603 --> 00:13:24,104
Of a constitutional
settlement.
293
00:13:24,138 --> 00:13:25,606
Oh, don't talk.
294
00:13:25,639 --> 00:13:27,141
Let me just look at you.
295
00:13:27,174 --> 00:13:28,475
Great to be home, mummy.
296
00:13:28,509 --> 00:13:29,510
How are you?
297
00:13:29,543 --> 00:13:30,778
Oh, I'm fine.
298
00:13:30,811 --> 00:13:32,813
I must just go upstairs
and get your room ready.
299
00:13:32,846 --> 00:13:34,415
It's a bungalow, mummy.
300
00:13:34,448 --> 00:13:35,916
Oh, damn, yes.
301
00:13:35,950 --> 00:13:38,052
Mervyn, mervyn,
look who's here!
302
00:13:38,085 --> 00:13:39,520
It's our eamonn
303
00:13:39,553 --> 00:13:41,555
Come back to see us.
304
00:13:41,589 --> 00:13:42,556
Hello, eamonn.
305
00:13:42,590 --> 00:13:43,824
Hello, merv.
306
00:13:43,857 --> 00:13:44,959
How was dublin?
307
00:13:44,992 --> 00:13:46,293
Well, as I was
telling mummy here
308
00:13:46,327 --> 00:13:47,928
Things is pretty bad
there at the moment
309
00:13:47,962 --> 00:13:49,129
But there does seem
310
00:13:49,163 --> 00:13:54,435
Some hope of
a constitutional settlement.
311
00:13:56,203 --> 00:13:58,105
Hello?
312
00:13:58,138 --> 00:14:00,107
Yes?
313
00:14:00,140 --> 00:14:01,775
Yes.
314
00:14:01,809 --> 00:14:03,777
Yes.
315
00:14:03,811 --> 00:14:06,146
Yes.
316
00:14:06,714 --> 00:14:07,815
Yes.
317
00:14:07,848 --> 00:14:09,149
What?
318
00:14:09,183 --> 00:14:11,585
What?
319
00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:15,356
Size seven.
320
00:14:15,389 --> 00:14:16,957
Yes.
321
00:14:16,991 --> 00:14:18,225
Yes.
322
00:14:18,259 --> 00:14:19,827
Yes, yes!
323
00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:21,395
Yes.
324
00:14:21,428 --> 00:14:22,396
It's the
fire brigade.
325
00:14:22,429 --> 00:14:23,564
They want to know
326
00:14:23,597 --> 00:14:24,798
If they can come round
thursday evening.
327
00:14:24,832 --> 00:14:26,300
Oh, no.
328
00:14:26,333 --> 00:14:29,637
Thursday's the industrial
relations bill dinner dance.
329
00:14:29,670 --> 00:14:31,138
Can't they make it
another day?
330
00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:32,640
Uh, hello?
331
00:14:32,673 --> 00:14:33,974
No, thursday's...
332
00:14:34,008 --> 00:14:36,810
Right out!
333
00:14:37,578 --> 00:14:39,513
Yes.
334
00:14:39,547 --> 00:14:41,682
Yes.
335
00:14:41,715 --> 00:14:43,918
Yes.
336
00:14:43,951 --> 00:14:45,052
Yes...
337
00:14:45,085 --> 00:14:46,587
And so it was
338
00:14:46,620 --> 00:14:53,427
That the fire brigade eventually
came round on friday night.
339
00:15:02,803 --> 00:15:04,405
I'm so glad
you could come.
340
00:15:04,438 --> 00:15:06,207
What would you
like to drink?
341
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:07,641
Gin and tonic??
sherry?
342
00:15:07,675 --> 00:15:10,711
A drop of sherry
would be lovely.
343
00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:14,048
We do like being called out
to these little parties.
344
00:15:14,081 --> 00:15:18,552
They're much better than fires.
345
00:15:19,853 --> 00:15:21,455
Yes?
346
00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:22,456
Yes?
347
00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:23,791
Yes.
348
00:15:23,824 --> 00:15:26,093
Well, how was dublin, eamonn?
349
00:15:26,126 --> 00:15:28,596
Well, as I was
telling mummy and mervyn earlier
350
00:15:28,629 --> 00:15:30,731
Things is pretty bad
there at the moment
351
00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:31,765
But there does seem
352
00:15:31,799 --> 00:15:33,467
Some hope of
a constitutional...
353
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:38,272
Oh, look at them
enjoying themselves.
354
00:15:38,305 --> 00:15:40,774
You know, I used
to dread parties
355
00:15:40,808 --> 00:15:43,978
Until I watched
party hints by veronica.
356
00:15:44,011 --> 00:15:47,615
I think
it's on now.
357
00:16:09,870 --> 00:16:11,238
Hello.
358
00:16:11,272 --> 00:16:13,440
Last week on party hints
I showed you
359
00:16:13,474 --> 00:16:16,777
How to make a small plate
of goulash go round 26 people
360
00:16:16,810 --> 00:16:19,246
How to get the best
out of your canapes
361
00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:21,081
And how to unblock your loo.
362
00:16:21,115 --> 00:16:23,284
This week I'm going
to tell you what to do
363
00:16:23,317 --> 00:16:25,286
If there's an armed
communist uprising
364
00:16:25,319 --> 00:16:27,521
Near your home
when you're having a party.
365
00:16:27,555 --> 00:16:30,758
Well, obviously it'll depend how
far you've got with your party
366
00:16:30,791 --> 00:16:32,860
When the signal
for red revolt is raised.
367
00:16:32,893 --> 00:16:35,162
If you're just having
preliminary aperitifs--
368
00:16:35,195 --> 00:16:37,631
A dubonnet, a sherry,
or a sparkling white wine--
369
00:16:37,665 --> 00:16:40,668
Then your guests will obviously
be in a fairly formal mood
370
00:16:40,701 --> 00:16:42,269
And it'll be difficult to tell
371
00:16:42,303 --> 00:16:44,038
Which are
the communist agitators.
372
00:16:44,071 --> 00:16:46,140
So the thing to do is
to get some cloth
373
00:16:46,173 --> 00:16:47,541
And some bits of old paper
374
00:16:47,575 --> 00:16:50,544
Put it down on the floor
and shoot everybody.
375
00:16:50,578 --> 00:16:53,614
This will deal with the red
menace on your own doorstep.
376
00:16:53,647 --> 00:16:56,417
If you're having canapes,
as I showed you last week
377
00:16:56,450 --> 00:16:57,651
Or an outdoor barbecue
378
00:16:57,685 --> 00:16:59,587
Then the thing to do is
to set fire
379
00:16:59,620 --> 00:17:01,388
To all the houses in the street.
380
00:17:01,422 --> 00:17:03,457
This will stir up
anticommunist hatred
381
00:17:03,490 --> 00:17:05,726
And your neighbors
will be right with you
382
00:17:05,759 --> 00:17:08,195
As you organize
counterrevolutionary terror.
383
00:17:08,229 --> 00:17:10,231
So you see, if you act
promptly enough
384
00:17:10,264 --> 00:17:12,399
Any left-wing uprising
can be dealt with
385
00:17:12,433 --> 00:17:13,734
By the end of the party.
386
00:17:13,767 --> 00:17:14,869
Bye.
387
00:17:14,902 --> 00:17:18,105
Ah, she's finally gone away.
388
00:17:18,138 --> 00:17:23,344
All right, comrades,
time to go to work.
389
00:17:31,886 --> 00:17:35,022
Hello, we are selling
communist revolutions.
390
00:17:35,055 --> 00:17:37,758
Would you
by any chance be interested?
391
00:17:37,791 --> 00:17:40,127
Oh, yes, I'll take
a dozen, please.
392
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,630
Right.
393
00:17:53,374 --> 00:17:58,746
One dozen communist
revolutions coming up.
394
00:18:03,117 --> 00:18:04,985
I get it!
395
00:18:05,019 --> 00:18:06,387
Communist revolution!
396
00:18:06,420 --> 00:18:07,922
That's a good one.
397
00:18:07,955 --> 00:18:11,225
You disgusting
little piece of filth.
398
00:18:11,258 --> 00:18:12,726
God, I hate you!
399
00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:17,731
You make me want
to puke my guts out!
400
00:18:18,732 --> 00:18:20,467
Wasn't that cute?
401
00:18:20,501 --> 00:18:22,002
Remember, you too
402
00:18:22,036 --> 00:18:23,938
Can get your own
putrid peter doll
403
00:18:23,971 --> 00:18:25,839
In time to pacify
your next party.
404
00:18:25,873 --> 00:18:26,974
But why stop there?
405
00:18:27,007 --> 00:18:28,976
Why not get
a barry bigot doll, too?
406
00:18:29,009 --> 00:18:32,279
Just watch this.
407
00:18:36,817 --> 00:18:39,920
Black people, black people.
408
00:18:39,954 --> 00:18:40,921
Rrrrhodesian.
409
00:18:40,955 --> 00:18:42,590
Kill the blacks.
kill the blacks.
410
00:18:42,623 --> 00:18:43,891
Rrrrhodesian.
411
00:18:43,924 --> 00:18:45,593
Smith, smith.
412
00:18:45,626 --> 00:18:47,595
Kill the blacks within
the five principles.
413
00:18:47,628 --> 00:18:49,530
I'm afraid I cannot
comment on that
414
00:18:49,563 --> 00:18:51,465
Until it has been
officially hushed up.
415
00:18:51,498 --> 00:18:53,033
This is our
politicians' booth.
416
00:18:53,067 --> 00:18:55,436
While there's no
undue cause for concern
417
00:18:55,469 --> 00:18:58,005
There is certainly
no room for complacency.
418
00:18:58,038 --> 00:18:59,440
Ha, ha, ha, he, he, he.
419
00:18:59,473 --> 00:19:01,508
I'll go to the foot
of our stairs.
420
00:19:01,542 --> 00:19:03,043
Ee ecky thump.
421
00:19:03,077 --> 00:19:04,578
Put wood
in 'ole, muther.
422
00:19:04,612 --> 00:19:06,213
Yes, sorry?
423
00:19:06,247 --> 00:19:07,348
Ee ecky thump.
424
00:19:07,381 --> 00:19:08,716
Ee ecky thump.
425
00:19:08,749 --> 00:19:10,384
Ee ecky thump!
426
00:19:10,417 --> 00:19:11,418
Ee ecky thump!
427
00:19:11,452 --> 00:19:12,519
Excellent!
428
00:19:12,553 --> 00:19:14,622
It's a very quick
method of learning.
429
00:19:14,655 --> 00:19:16,423
Can you smell gas,
or is it me?
430
00:19:16,457 --> 00:19:17,424
Looks
jolly good.
431
00:19:17,458 --> 00:19:18,525
Hello, big boy.
432
00:19:18,559 --> 00:19:19,860
Oo, varda the ome.
433
00:19:19,894 --> 00:19:21,595
Do you want
a nice time?
434
00:19:21,629 --> 00:19:23,364
Very good.
435
00:19:23,397 --> 00:19:27,401
Thank you
very much, sir.
436
00:19:29,069 --> 00:19:30,638
And we control
everything from here.
437
00:19:30,671 --> 00:19:31,639
Superb.
438
00:19:31,672 --> 00:19:32,640
Well, what
sort of thing
439
00:19:32,673 --> 00:19:33,641
Were you
looking for?
440
00:19:33,674 --> 00:19:34,942
Well, really
something
441
00:19:34,975 --> 00:19:37,545
To make me a little
less insignificant.
442
00:19:37,578 --> 00:19:39,747
Oh, I see,
sort of...
443
00:19:39,780 --> 00:19:41,549
"now, look here,
you may be chairman
444
00:19:41,582 --> 00:19:43,717
"but your bloody
pusillanimous behavior
445
00:19:43,751 --> 00:19:44,718
Makes me vomit!"
446
00:19:44,752 --> 00:19:45,819
That sort
of thing?
447
00:19:45,853 --> 00:19:47,321
No, no, no,
not really, no.
448
00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:48,622
Oh, I see,
well, perhaps
449
00:19:48,656 --> 00:19:49,723
Something
a bit more
450
00:19:49,757 --> 00:19:51,091
Sort of
clive jenkins-ish?
451
00:19:51,125 --> 00:19:52,159
Perhaps, sort of :
452
00:19:52,192 --> 00:19:54,194
"mr. smarmy so-
called harold wilson
453
00:19:54,228 --> 00:19:55,696
"can call himself
pragmatic
454
00:19:55,729 --> 00:19:57,464
Until he's blue
in the breast!"
455
00:19:57,498 --> 00:19:59,199
No, not really.
456
00:19:59,233 --> 00:20:00,267
I really want
something
457
00:20:00,301 --> 00:20:01,268
That will
make people
458
00:20:01,302 --> 00:20:02,836
Be attracted to me
like a magnet.
459
00:20:02,870 --> 00:20:04,205
Oh, I see, well,
you want our
460
00:20:04,238 --> 00:20:06,507
"life and soul
of the party" tape then, I think.
461
00:20:06,540 --> 00:20:07,508
What's that?
462
00:20:07,541 --> 00:20:08,542
Well,
it's sort of :
463
00:20:08,576 --> 00:20:09,643
Hello, squire!
464
00:20:09,677 --> 00:20:10,878
Haven't seen you
for a bit!
465
00:20:10,911 --> 00:20:12,780
Haven't seen you
for a bit either, beryl.
466
00:20:12,813 --> 00:20:14,348
Two pints of
wallop, please, love.
467
00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:15,749
Still driving
the jensen, then?
468
00:20:15,783 --> 00:20:17,418
Cheer up, jack,
it may never happen.
469
00:20:17,451 --> 00:20:18,552
What's your
poison, then?
470
00:20:18,586 --> 00:20:19,553
Fantastic, yes.
471
00:20:19,587 --> 00:20:20,654
Right,
I'll just see
472
00:20:20,688 --> 00:20:21,956
If we've
got the tape.
473
00:20:21,989 --> 00:20:23,824
Boo boo pee doo,
boo boo pee doo
474
00:20:23,857 --> 00:20:26,327
Scoobie doobie doobie
doobie doo-oo!
475
00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:27,494
Hello, operator
476
00:20:27,528 --> 00:20:28,729
Is that the central line?
477
00:20:28,762 --> 00:20:30,965
Give me picadilly
number 9109
478
00:20:30,998 --> 00:20:32,900
Mr. operator, now,
the number's wrong
479
00:20:32,933 --> 00:20:36,070
So come on, everybody,
let's sing this song!
480
00:20:36,103 --> 00:20:37,605
Proust in
his first book
481
00:20:37,638 --> 00:20:40,174
Wrote about,
wrote about...
482
00:20:40,207 --> 00:20:43,177
Start again.
483
00:20:45,746 --> 00:20:50,251
Mount everest--
forbidding, aloof, terrifying.
484
00:20:50,284 --> 00:20:51,785
The highest place on earth.
485
00:20:51,819 --> 00:20:54,622
No, I'm sorry,
we don't go there.
486
00:20:54,655 --> 00:20:56,323
Good morning.
487
00:20:56,357 --> 00:20:58,759
Oh, good morning.
488
00:20:58,792 --> 00:21:00,394
Do you want
to go upstairs?
489
00:21:00,427 --> 00:21:01,662
What?
490
00:21:01,695 --> 00:21:03,564
Do you want to go upstairs?
491
00:21:03,597 --> 00:21:04,798
Or have you come
492
00:21:04,832 --> 00:21:06,166
To arrange a holiday?
493
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:07,668
Uh, to arrange a holiday.
494
00:21:07,701 --> 00:21:10,504
Oh, sorry.
495
00:21:10,504 --> 00:21:12,339
What's all this
about going upstairs?
496
00:21:12,373 --> 00:21:13,641
Oh, nothing, nothing.
497
00:21:13,674 --> 00:21:15,309
Now, where were you
thinking of going?
498
00:21:15,342 --> 00:21:16,243
India.
499
00:21:16,277 --> 00:21:18,078
Ah, one of our
adventure holidays.
500
00:21:18,112 --> 00:21:19,079
Yes.
501
00:21:19,113 --> 00:21:20,080
Well, you'd
better speak
502
00:21:20,114 --> 00:21:21,215
To mr. bounder
about that.
503
00:21:21,248 --> 00:21:22,383
Mr. bounder,
this gentleman
504
00:21:22,416 --> 00:21:23,951
Is interested in
the india overland.
505
00:21:23,984 --> 00:21:25,119
Ah, good morning.
506
00:21:25,152 --> 00:21:26,720
I'm bounder
of adventure.
507
00:21:26,754 --> 00:21:28,455
Morning,
my name is
508
00:21:28,489 --> 00:21:29,456
Smoke-too-much.
509
00:21:29,490 --> 00:21:31,125
What?
510
00:21:31,158 --> 00:21:34,194
My name is smoke-too-much,
mr. smoke-too-much.
511
00:21:34,228 --> 00:21:35,529
Well, you'd better
cut down a bit, then.
512
00:21:35,563 --> 00:21:37,765
What?
513
00:21:37,798 --> 00:21:39,900
You'd better cut
down a bit, then.
514
00:21:39,934 --> 00:21:41,735
Oh, I see.
515
00:21:41,769 --> 00:21:42,836
Cut down a bit
516
00:21:42,870 --> 00:21:43,904
For smoke-too-much.
517
00:21:43,938 --> 00:21:44,905
Yes.
518
00:21:44,939 --> 00:21:45,906
I expect you get people
519
00:21:45,940 --> 00:21:47,441
Making jokes about your name
all the time, eh?
520
00:21:47,474 --> 00:21:50,044
No, no.
521
00:21:51,045 --> 00:21:53,914
Actually, it never
struck me before.
522
00:21:53,948 --> 00:21:57,618
Smoke... too... much!
523
00:21:57,685 --> 00:22:00,354
Anyway, you're interested in one
of our adventure holidays, eh?
524
00:22:00,387 --> 00:22:03,190
Yes, yes, I saw your advert
in the bolor supplement.
525
00:22:03,224 --> 00:22:04,425
The what?
526
00:22:04,458 --> 00:22:05,960
The bolor supplement.
527
00:22:05,993 --> 00:22:06,961
The color
supplement?
528
00:22:06,994 --> 00:22:08,062
Yes, I'm sorry
529
00:22:08,095 --> 00:22:09,330
I can't say
the letter "b."
530
00:22:09,363 --> 00:22:10,631
"c."
531
00:22:10,664 --> 00:22:11,865
Yes, that's right.
532
00:22:11,899 --> 00:22:14,001
It's all due to
a trauma I suffered
533
00:22:14,034 --> 00:22:15,402
When I was a spoolboy.
534
00:22:15,436 --> 00:22:17,338
I was attacked by a bat.
535
00:22:17,371 --> 00:22:18,272
A cat?
536
00:22:18,305 --> 00:22:19,807
No, a bat.
537
00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:22,309
Can you say the letter "k"?
538
00:22:22,343 --> 00:22:26,480
Oh, yes, khaki, king, kettle,
kuwait, keble bollege oxford.
539
00:22:26,513 --> 00:22:29,950
Why don't you say the letter "k"
instead of the letter "c"?
540
00:22:29,984 --> 00:22:32,653
What do you mean,
spell "bolor" with a "k"?
541
00:22:32,686 --> 00:22:33,187
Yes.
542
00:22:33,220 --> 00:22:34,188
Kolor.
543
00:22:34,221 --> 00:22:35,489
Yes.
544
00:22:35,522 --> 00:22:39,426
Oh, that's very good,
I never thought of that.
545
00:22:39,460 --> 00:22:41,095
Well, I saw your advert
in the paper
546
00:22:41,128 --> 00:22:43,564
And I've been on package tours
several times, you see
547
00:22:43,597 --> 00:22:45,266
And I decided
that this was for me.
548
00:22:45,299 --> 00:22:46,333
Oh, good.
549
00:22:46,367 --> 00:22:47,701
Yes, I quite
agree with you.
550
00:22:47,735 --> 00:22:48,702
I mean,
what's the point
551
00:22:48,736 --> 00:22:49,937
Of being treated
like a sheep?
552
00:22:49,970 --> 00:22:51,405
I mean, I'm fed up
of going abroad
553
00:22:51,438 --> 00:22:52,740
And being treated
like sheep.
554
00:22:52,773 --> 00:22:54,608
What's the point
of being carted around in buses
555
00:22:54,642 --> 00:22:56,043
Surrounded
by sweaty, mindless oafs
556
00:22:56,076 --> 00:22:57,244
From kettering
and boventry?
557
00:22:57,278 --> 00:22:59,213
Their cloth caps
and their cardigans
558
00:22:59,246 --> 00:23:00,714
And their
transistor radios
559
00:23:00,748 --> 00:23:02,082
And their
sunday mirrors
560
00:23:02,116 --> 00:23:03,584
Bomplaining
about the tea--
561
00:23:03,617 --> 00:23:05,185
"oh, they don't make it
properly here, do they?
562
00:23:05,219 --> 00:23:06,620
Not like at home."
563
00:23:06,654 --> 00:23:09,790
Stopping at majorcan bodegas
selling fish and chips
564
00:23:09,823 --> 00:23:11,292
And watney's red barrel
565
00:23:11,325 --> 00:23:12,560
And calamares
and two veg
566
00:23:12,593 --> 00:23:14,228
And sitting in
cotton sun frocks
567
00:23:14,261 --> 00:23:16,030
Squirting timothy
white's sun cream
568
00:23:16,063 --> 00:23:18,666
All over their puffy,
raw, swollen, purulent flesh
569
00:23:18,699 --> 00:23:19,767
Because they
overdid it
570
00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:20,768
On the
first day!
571
00:23:20,801 --> 00:23:22,403
Yes, absolutely,
I quite agree.
572
00:23:22,436 --> 00:23:25,773
And being herded
into endless hotel miramars
573
00:23:25,806 --> 00:23:28,209
And bellvueses and bontinentals
574
00:23:28,242 --> 00:23:29,210
With their
international
575
00:23:29,243 --> 00:23:30,211
Luxury modern
roomettes
576
00:23:30,244 --> 00:23:31,212
And their
watney's red barrel
577
00:23:31,245 --> 00:23:32,213
And their
swimming pools
578
00:23:32,246 --> 00:23:33,347
Full of fat
german businessmen
579
00:23:33,380 --> 00:23:34,348
Pretending
to be acrobats
580
00:23:34,381 --> 00:23:36,917
And forming pyramids
581
00:23:36,951 --> 00:23:37,985
And frightening
the children
582
00:23:38,018 --> 00:23:39,286
Barging into
the queues
583
00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:40,654
And if you're not
at your table spot on seven
584
00:23:40,688 --> 00:23:41,789
You miss your bowl
585
00:23:41,822 --> 00:23:43,257
Of campbell's
cream of mushroom soup
586
00:23:43,290 --> 00:23:45,960
The first item on the menu
of international cuisine.
587
00:23:45,993 --> 00:23:47,228
And every thursday night
588
00:23:47,261 --> 00:23:48,862
There's bloody
cabaret in the bar
589
00:23:48,896 --> 00:23:50,564
Featuring some
tiny, emaciated dago
590
00:23:50,598 --> 00:23:51,565
With nine-inch hips
591
00:23:51,599 --> 00:23:53,067
And some big,
fat, bloated tart
592
00:23:53,100 --> 00:23:55,236
With her hair
brylcreemed down and a big arse
593
00:23:55,269 --> 00:23:56,971
Presenting flamenco
for foreigners.
594
00:23:57,004 --> 00:23:57,972
Yes, yes, quite...
595
00:23:58,005 --> 00:23:59,273
And then surrounded
596
00:23:59,306 --> 00:24:01,275
By adenoidal typists
from birmingham
597
00:24:01,308 --> 00:24:03,244
With diarrhea
and flabby white legs
598
00:24:03,277 --> 00:24:05,746
And hairy, bandy-legged
wop waiters called manuel
599
00:24:05,779 --> 00:24:06,947
And then once a week
600
00:24:06,981 --> 00:24:09,316
There's an excursion
to the local roman ruins
601
00:24:09,350 --> 00:24:11,886
Where you can buy cherryade
and melted ice cream
602
00:24:11,919 --> 00:24:13,554
And bleedin'
watney's red barrel
603
00:24:13,587 --> 00:24:14,588
And then one night
604
00:24:14,622 --> 00:24:16,423
They take you to
a local restaurant
605
00:24:16,457 --> 00:24:18,559
With local color and coloring
and they show you there
606
00:24:18,592 --> 00:24:20,461
And you sit next to
a party of people from rhyl
607
00:24:20,494 --> 00:24:22,930
Who keep singing
torremolinos!
608
00:24:22,963 --> 00:24:25,032
Torremolinos!
609
00:24:25,065 --> 00:24:26,333
And complaining
about the food.
610
00:24:26,367 --> 00:24:27,668
"oh, it's so
greasy, isn't it?"
611
00:24:27,701 --> 00:24:29,236
And then you get cornered
612
00:24:29,270 --> 00:24:32,339
By some drunken greengrocer
from luton with an instamatic
613
00:24:32,373 --> 00:24:35,175
And dr. scholl sandals
and tuesday's daily express
614
00:24:35,209 --> 00:24:36,944
And he drones on and on and on
615
00:24:36,977 --> 00:24:39,847
About how mr. smith should be
running this country.
616
00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:41,415
Quiet, please.
617
00:24:41,448 --> 00:24:42,683
And then
he throws up
618
00:24:42,716 --> 00:24:44,218
All over
the cuba libres.
619
00:24:44,251 --> 00:24:45,419
Will you be
quiet, please?
620
00:24:45,452 --> 00:24:46,620
...postcards
of places
621
00:24:46,654 --> 00:24:48,355
They don't know
they haven't even visited
622
00:24:48,389 --> 00:24:50,090
"to all at number 22,
weather wonderful.
623
00:24:50,124 --> 00:24:51,425
Our room marked
with an 'x'..."
624
00:24:51,458 --> 00:24:52,526
Shut up!
625
00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:53,527
"food very greasy
626
00:24:53,561 --> 00:24:54,762
"but we have
managed to find
627
00:24:54,795 --> 00:24:56,730
This marvelous little
place hidden away..."
628
00:24:56,764 --> 00:24:58,065
Shut up!
629
00:24:58,098 --> 00:25:00,167
"...watney's red barrel
and cheese and onion."
630
00:25:00,201 --> 00:25:01,035
Shut up!
631
00:25:01,068 --> 00:25:02,369
And the accordionist plays...
632
00:25:02,403 --> 00:25:05,072
Shut your bloody gob!
633
00:25:05,105 --> 00:25:06,473
Oh, I've had
enough of this.
634
00:25:06,507 --> 00:25:07,942
I'm going to ring
the police.
635
00:25:07,975 --> 00:25:08,943
...nothing to eat
636
00:25:08,976 --> 00:25:11,579
But dried
watney's sandwiches.
637
00:25:11,612 --> 00:25:15,616
Oh, take it
off the hook.
638
00:25:15,783 --> 00:25:17,351
...and there's
nowhere to sleep...
639
00:25:17,384 --> 00:25:18,686
Hello, operator? operator?
640
00:25:18,719 --> 00:25:22,122
Yes, operator, I'm trying
to get the police.
641
00:25:22,156 --> 00:25:24,358
Yes, yes... the police!
642
00:25:24,391 --> 00:25:27,194
Yes, what?
643
00:25:29,730 --> 00:25:32,933
Nine and a half...
nine and a half!
644
00:25:32,967 --> 00:25:34,735
...when you get
to malaga airport
645
00:25:34,768 --> 00:25:36,170
Everybody's
swallowing...
646
00:25:36,203 --> 00:25:38,606
What?
647
00:25:39,039 --> 00:25:40,975
Sorry to keep you waiting.
648
00:25:41,008 --> 00:25:45,479
Will you come this way, please?
649
00:25:53,621 --> 00:25:54,955
Here they are.
650
00:25:54,989 --> 00:25:55,956
Right.
651
00:25:55,990 --> 00:25:58,092
Just here will do fine.
652
00:25:58,125 --> 00:26:00,761
Bye-bye.
653
00:26:01,161 --> 00:26:04,198
Good evening.
654
00:26:13,541 --> 00:26:15,442
I have with me tonight
655
00:26:15,476 --> 00:26:17,444
Anne elk,
mrs. anne elk.
656
00:26:17,478 --> 00:26:19,880
Miss.
657
00:26:19,914 --> 00:26:22,583
You have a new theory
about the brontosaurus.
658
00:26:22,616 --> 00:26:25,252
Can I just say here, chris,
for one moment
659
00:26:25,286 --> 00:26:30,824
That I have a new theory
about the brontosaurus?
660
00:26:30,858 --> 00:26:33,494
Exactly.
661
00:26:40,935 --> 00:26:43,804
What is it?
662
00:26:43,971 --> 00:26:46,440
Where?
663
00:26:46,607 --> 00:26:49,109
I mean your
new theory.
664
00:26:49,143 --> 00:26:50,678
Oh, what is
my theory?
665
00:26:50,711 --> 00:26:53,147
Oh, what is
my theory, that it is.
666
00:26:53,180 --> 00:26:55,816
Well, chris, you
may well ask me
667
00:26:55,849 --> 00:26:59,286
What is
my theory.
668
00:26:59,453 --> 00:27:00,421
I am asking.
669
00:27:00,454 --> 00:27:01,555
Good for you.
670
00:27:01,589 --> 00:27:03,057
My word, yes.
671
00:27:03,090 --> 00:27:04,992
Well, chris, what
is it that it is
672
00:27:05,025 --> 00:27:06,160
This theory of mine?
673
00:27:06,193 --> 00:27:07,962
Well, this is
what it is.
674
00:27:07,995 --> 00:27:09,463
My theory
that I have
675
00:27:09,496 --> 00:27:11,565
That is to say,
which is mine
676
00:27:11,599 --> 00:27:13,100
Is mine.
677
00:27:13,133 --> 00:27:15,803
Yes, I know
it's yours.
678
00:27:15,836 --> 00:27:18,439
What is it?
679
00:27:18,472 --> 00:27:20,941
Where?
680
00:27:21,008 --> 00:27:22,276
Your theory.
681
00:27:22,309 --> 00:27:24,245
Oh, what is my...
682
00:27:24,278 --> 00:27:27,147
This is it.
683
00:27:40,694 --> 00:27:43,631
My theory that
belongs to me
684
00:27:43,664 --> 00:27:46,800
Is as follows.
685
00:27:51,438 --> 00:27:55,042
This is
how it goes.
686
00:27:58,279 --> 00:28:00,047
The next thing
I'm going to say
687
00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:01,048
Is my theory.
688
00:28:01,081 --> 00:28:03,284
Ready?
689
00:28:03,317 --> 00:28:04,418
My theory,
by a. elk--
690
00:28:04,451 --> 00:28:05,819
Brackets, miss,
brackets--
691
00:28:05,853 --> 00:28:09,056
This theory
goes as follows and begins now:
692
00:28:09,089 --> 00:28:11,325
All brontosauruses
are thin at one end
693
00:28:11,358 --> 00:28:13,494
Much, much thicker
in the middle
694
00:28:13,527 --> 00:28:17,164
And then thin again
at the far end.
695
00:28:17,197 --> 00:28:18,666
That is my theory.
696
00:28:18,699 --> 00:28:20,935
It is mine
and belongs to me
697
00:28:20,968 --> 00:28:23,637
And I own it
and what it is, too.
698
00:28:23,671 --> 00:28:25,506
That's it, is it?
699
00:28:25,539 --> 00:28:28,576
Spot on, chris.
700
00:28:28,609 --> 00:28:29,910
Well, this theory of yours
701
00:28:29,944 --> 00:28:32,012
Appears to have hit
the nail on the head.
702
00:28:32,046 --> 00:28:34,181
And it's mine.
703
00:28:34,215 --> 00:28:36,917
Yes, thank you very much
for coming along to the studio.
704
00:28:36,951 --> 00:28:38,552
My pleasure, chris.
705
00:28:38,586 --> 00:28:39,720
Next week,
britain's...
706
00:28:39,753 --> 00:28:40,888
It's been
a lot of fun.
707
00:28:40,921 --> 00:28:41,989
Yes, thank you
very much.
708
00:28:42,022 --> 00:28:43,157
Saying what
my theory is.
709
00:28:43,190 --> 00:28:44,158
Yes, thank you.
710
00:28:44,191 --> 00:28:45,159
And whose it is.
711
00:28:45,192 --> 00:28:46,994
Yes, thank you,
that's all.
712
00:28:47,027 --> 00:28:48,862
I have
another theory...
713
00:28:48,896 --> 00:28:49,863
Yes...
714
00:28:49,897 --> 00:28:50,965
Called my
second theory
715
00:28:50,998 --> 00:28:52,066
Or my theory
number two
716
00:28:52,099 --> 00:28:54,802
Which I could expound
without doubt.
717
00:28:54,835 --> 00:28:55,803
This
second theory...
718
00:28:55,836 --> 00:28:56,904
Yes?
719
00:28:56,937 --> 00:28:58,606
Which with the one
that I have said...
720
00:28:58,639 --> 00:28:59,807
I'm trying...
721
00:28:59,840 --> 00:29:00,941
Which are mine
722
00:29:00,975 --> 00:29:03,210
And which
belong to me...
723
00:29:03,244 --> 00:29:05,279
Nine and half,
wide fitting.
724
00:29:05,312 --> 00:29:06,480
Goes like this.
725
00:29:06,513 --> 00:29:08,282
Balleys of
bond street.
726
00:29:08,315 --> 00:29:10,718
What?
727
00:29:12,086 --> 00:29:14,188
No, sort of brogue.
728
00:29:14,221 --> 00:29:17,725
This is what it is.
729
00:29:18,826 --> 00:29:22,196
Eight and a half.
730
00:29:26,534 --> 00:29:27,801
This is it.
731
00:29:27,835 --> 00:29:31,338
My second theory...
732
00:29:38,045 --> 00:29:40,848
Excuse me!
733
00:29:42,416 --> 00:29:43,984
Hello,
yes, yes?
734
00:29:44,018 --> 00:29:46,487
...promises you
that the raging cholera epidemic...
735
00:29:46,520 --> 00:29:48,756
The fire brigade
are here!
736
00:29:48,789 --> 00:29:50,124
They're coming!
737
00:29:50,157 --> 00:29:51,158
Hello?
738
00:29:51,191 --> 00:29:52,560
No, no, I think
they're all
739
00:29:52,593 --> 00:29:54,695
Part of the british
shoe corporation now.
740
00:29:54,728 --> 00:29:59,533
Chris, this other
theory of mine...
741
00:30:00,901 --> 00:30:04,505
The second
theory...
742
00:30:04,772 --> 00:30:06,574
My second
theory states
743
00:30:06,607 --> 00:30:08,475
That fire
brigade choirs
744
00:30:08,509 --> 00:30:11,579
Seldom sing songs
about marcel proust.
745
00:30:11,612 --> 00:30:12,980
Proust in his first book
746
00:30:13,013 --> 00:30:14,982
Wrote about, wrote about...
747
00:30:15,015 --> 00:30:17,318
Start again.
748
00:30:17,368 --> 00:30:21,918
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