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1
00:00:03,100 --> 00:00:04,500
Narrator:
IN THE FIFTH CENTURY
2
00:00:04,500 --> 00:00:06,700
AS THE ONCE-MIGHTY
ROMAN EMPIRE CRUMBLED
3
00:00:06,700 --> 00:00:11,200
THE SOFT UNDERBELLY OF WESTERN
EUROPE LA Y INVITINGLY EXPOSED
4
00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:13,600
TO THE BARBARIAN
HORDES TO THE EAST.
5
00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:16,700
ALARIC THE VISIGOTH,
GAISERIC THE VANDAL
6
00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:20,600
AND THEODORIC THE OSTROGOTH
IN TURN SWEPT WESTWARD
7
00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:21,900
IN A REIGN OF TERROR.
8
00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:24,600
BUT NONE SURPASSED
IN POWER AND CRUELTY
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00:00:24,600 --> 00:00:27,100
THE MIGHTYATTILA THE HUN.
10
00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:31,600
Announcer:
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, IT'S THEATTILA THE HUN SHOW.
11
00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:33,800
( audience laughter )
12
00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:37,500
(The Debbie ReynoLds Show
theme song plays )
13
00:00:41,300 --> 00:00:45,000
Man:
WITH A LITTLE LOVE, JUST A LITTLE LOVE
14
00:00:45,100 --> 00:00:49,000
OPEN YOUR HEART AND
SEE WHERE IT'S NEEDED
15
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:52,400
WITH A LITTLE LOVE,
JUST A LITTLE LOVE
16
00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:56,200
FEEL IT IN YOUR HEART
WHEN YOU'VE SUCCEEDED
17
00:00:56,300 --> 00:00:59,200
MAKING ALL THE SENSE OF LIFE
18
00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:03,800
GETTING SOME SUN
IN YOUR LIFE
19
00:01:03,900 --> 00:01:06,700
MAKING ALL
THE CLOUDS ROLL BY
20
00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:10,200
GETTING SOME SUN
IN YOUR LIFE
21
00:01:10,300 --> 00:01:13,300
AND YOU CAN LIGHT
22
00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:17,000
LIGHT UP A GLOOM-CAST SKY
23
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:20,800
COLOR THE GLOOMIEST DAY
24
00:01:20,900 --> 00:01:26,400
CHASE ALL YOUR CARES AWAY
25
00:01:26,500 --> 00:01:29,200
WITH A LITTLE LOVE,
JUST A LITTLE LOVE
26
00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:30,700
WITH A LITTLE LOVE
27
00:01:30,700 --> 00:01:32,200
Chorus:
JUSTA LITTLE LOVE
28
00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:34,000
WITH A LITTLE LOVE...
29
00:01:34,100 --> 00:01:36,700
Narrator:
IN THE SECOND QUARTER OF THE FIFTH CENTURY
30
00:01:36,700 --> 00:01:39,200
THE HUNS BECAMEA BYWORD
FOR MERCILESS SA VAGERY.
31
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:42,000
THEIR KHAN WAS
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR, ATTILA.
32
00:01:42,100 --> 00:01:46,000
WITH HIS DEVASTATING ARMIES,
HE SWEPTACROSS CENTRAL EUROPE.
33
00:01:49,900 --> 00:01:53,300
( in American accent ):
OH, DARLING, I'M HOME!
34
00:01:53,300 --> 00:01:54,700
( canned laughter )
35
00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:56,100
HELLO, DARLING.
36
00:01:56,100 --> 00:01:58,600
HAVE A BUSY DAY
AT THE OFFICE?
37
00:01:58,700 --> 00:02:00,000
NOT AT ALL BAD.
38
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:03,300
ANOTHER MERCILESS SWEEP
ACROSS CENTRAL EUROPE.
39
00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:04,800
( canned laughter )
40
00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:08,100
WELL, I WON'T SAY
I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU
41
00:02:08,100 --> 00:02:11,000
BUT, BOY, AM I
GLAD TO SEE YOU!
42
00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:13,600
( canned laughter )
43
00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:18,200
( canned cheering )
44
00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:22,900
HI, DADDY.
45
00:02:22,900 --> 00:02:24,200
( canned laughter )
46
00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:25,300
HI, DADDY.
47
00:02:25,300 --> 00:02:27,700
( canned laughter )
48
00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:29,100
HI, JENNY, HI, ROBBY.
49
00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:30,400
( canned cheering )
50
00:02:30,500 --> 00:02:33,100
HEY, I'VE GOT A PRESENT
FOR YOU TWO KIDS
51
00:02:33,100 --> 00:02:35,300
IN THAT BAG.
52
00:02:35,300 --> 00:02:38,300
IN THAT BAG.
53
00:02:38,300 --> 00:02:41,200
( canned laughter )
54
00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:44,400
I WANT YOU KIDS
TO GET "A-HEAD."
55
00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:47,900
( canned laughter and cheering )
56
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:52,200
HEAH YOU ARE, MISTER HUN.
57
00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:53,800
( canned applause )
58
00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:56,800
HI, UNCLE TOM.
59
00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:59,700
THERE'S A WHOLE HORDE
O' DEM MARAUDIN' VISIGOTHS
60
00:02:59,700 --> 00:03:01,500
TO SEE Y'ALL.
61
00:03:01,500 --> 00:03:03,800
( canned laughter )
62
00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:10,000
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
63
00:03:10,100 --> 00:03:11,400
IT'S...
64
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:12,900
( canned cheering )
65
00:03:12,900 --> 00:03:15,500
( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"
playing )
66
00:03:15,500 --> 00:03:19,200
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
67
00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:27,900
[Captioning sponsored by THE
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
68
00:03:27,900 --> 00:03:31,700
and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS]
69
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:43,700
( music ends with fart )
70
00:03:46,100 --> 00:03:49,900
YES, IT'SATTILA THE NUN!
71
00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:53,900
A SIMPLE COUNTRY GIRL WHO TOOK
A VOW OF ETERNAL BRUTALITY.
72
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:56,200
( grunting, growling )
73
00:03:57,900 --> 00:03:59,300
NURSE!
74
00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:04,900
HELLO, MISS NORRIS,
HOW ARE YOU?
75
00:04:04,900 --> 00:04:06,600
NOT TOO BAD,
THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
76
00:04:06,700 --> 00:04:09,100
YES, WELL, I THINK
I'D BETTER EXAMINE YOU.
77
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,200
UM, WHAT ARE
THEY DOING HERE?
78
00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:12,900
Doctor:
UH, IT'S ALL RIGHT
79
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:14,000
THEY'RE STUDENTS.
80
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:19,000
UM... LIGHT,
PLEASE, NURSE.
81
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,900
OH, AND UH, MUSIC, TOO.
82
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,400
( striptease musicplays )
83
00:04:23,500 --> 00:04:26,400
BREATHE IN... OUT.
84
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:30,200
Doctor:
IN... OUT.
85
00:04:30,300 --> 00:04:32,000
IN...
86
00:04:33,900 --> 00:04:35,500
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
87
00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:38,400
CHARLES CROMPTON,
THE STRIPPING DOCTOR.
88
00:04:38,500 --> 00:04:42,800
AND NEXT, GENTLEMEN AND LADIES,
HERE AT THE PEEPHOLE CLUB
89
00:04:42,900 --> 00:04:46,800
FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME,
A VERY BIG WELCOME, PLEASE
90
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:50,800
FOR THE SECRETARY OF STATE
FOR COMMONWEALTH AFFAIRS.
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00:04:52,100 --> 00:04:53,000
GOOD EVENING.
92
00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:54,400
TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO RESTATE
93
00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:56,600
OUR POSITION
ON AGRICULTURAL SUBSIDIES
94
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:59,400
AND THEIR EFFECT ON OUR
COMMONWEALTH RELATIONSHIPS.
95
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:01,000
( striptease musicplaying )
96
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:03,700
NOW, ALTHOUGH WE BELIEVE,
THEORETICALLY
97
00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:06,000
IN ENDING GUARANTEED FARM PRICES
98
00:05:06,100 --> 00:05:10,200
WE ALSO BELIEVE IN THE NEED
FOR A CORRESPONDING IMPORT LEVY
99
00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:13,600
TO MAINTAIN CONSUMER PRICES
AT A REALISTIC LEVEL.
100
00:05:13,700 --> 00:05:17,400
BUT THIS WOULD HAVE
THE EFFECT OF CONSOLIDATING
101
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:21,900
OUR GAINS OF THE PREVIOUS
FISCAL YEAR PRIOR TO THE ENTRY.
102
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:26,500
BUT I PLEDGE THAT,
SHOULD WE JOIN THE COMMON MARKET
103
00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:31,100
EVEN MAINTAINING THE PRESENT
POSITION ON SUBSIDIES
104
00:05:31,100 --> 00:05:35,600
WE WILL NEVER JEOPARDIZE,
WE WILL NEVER COMPROMISE
105
00:05:35,700 --> 00:05:40,800
OUR UNIQUE RELATIONSHIP
WITH THE COMMONWEALTH COUNTRIES.
106
00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:44,800
A PRICES STRUCTURE RELATED
TO ANY IMPORT CHARGES
107
00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:50,100
WILL BE SYSTEMATICALLY ADJUSTED
TO THE PARTICULAR REQUIREMENTS
108
00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:52,500
OF OUR COMMONWEALTH PARTNERS.
109
00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:53,600
( laughter )
110
00:05:53,700 --> 00:05:56,500
SO THAT TOGETHER
WE WILL MAINTAIN
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00:05:56,600 --> 00:06:00,200
A POSITIVE AND MUTUALLY
BENEFICIAL ALLIANCE
112
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:03,000
IN WORLD TRADE
AND FOR WORLD PEACE.
113
00:06:03,100 --> 00:06:05,200
THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.
114
00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:09,100
( scattered applause )
115
00:06:09,100 --> 00:06:10,800
WASN'T HE MARVELOUS?
116
00:06:10,900 --> 00:06:15,100
THE SECRETARY OF STATE
FOR COMMONWEALTH AFFAIRS.
117
00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:20,100
AND NOW, GENTLEMEN AND LADIES,
A VERY BIG WELCOME, PLEASE
118
00:06:20,100 --> 00:06:25,000
FOR THE MINISTER OF PENSIONS
AND THE SOCIAL SECURITY.
119
00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:29,400
( belly dancing musicplays )
120
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:32,600
( "Pomp and
Circumstance"plays )
121
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:34,800
Narrator:
YES, TODA Y IN BRITAIN THERE IS
122
00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:38,600
A NEW WA VE OF INTEREST
IN POLITICSAND POLITICIANS.
123
00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:42,700
WELL, WE'RE IN IT
FOR THE LOBBYING, YOU KNOW.
124
00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:44,800
WE JUST LOVE LOBBYING.
125
00:06:44,900 --> 00:06:46,100
AND THE DEBATES.
126
00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:48,400
YOU KNOW, A GOOD DEBATE
IS JUST FABULOUS.
127
00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:52,200
WELL, I'VE BEEN GOING WITH
MINISTERS FOR FIVE YEARS NOW
128
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:55,300
AND, UH, YOU KNOW,
I THINK THEY'RE WONDERFUL.
129
00:06:55,300 --> 00:06:57,800
OH, YES, I LIKE
CIVIL SERVANTS.
130
00:06:57,800 --> 00:06:59,600
OH, YES,
THEY'RE NICE.
131
00:06:59,700 --> 00:07:01,800
I... I LIKE
THE SPEAKER.
132
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:03,100
OH, YEAH.
133
00:07:03,100 --> 00:07:05,700
I LIKE
BLACK ROD.
134
00:07:05,700 --> 00:07:07,600
WHAT DO THEIR PARENTS THINK?
135
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:10,500
WELL, SHE'S BROKEN OUR HEARTS,
THE LITTLE BASTARD.
136
00:07:10,500 --> 00:07:12,300
SHE'S BEEN NOTHING BUT TROUBLE
137
00:07:12,300 --> 00:07:15,600
AND IF SHE COMES ROUND HERE
AGAIN, I'LL KICK HER TEETH IN.
138
00:07:15,700 --> 00:07:17,000
( door closes )
139
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,600
HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO
TELEVISION AGAIN, DEAR?
140
00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:20,800
YES, I BLOODY
TOLD 'EM.
141
00:07:20,900 --> 00:07:21,800
WHAT ABOUT?
142
00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:22,800
I DON'T KNOW.
143
00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:24,200
WAS IT REGINALD
BOSANQUET?
144
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:25,200
NO, NO, NO.
145
00:07:25,300 --> 00:07:27,000
DID HE HAVE HIS
HEAD ALL BANDAGED?
146
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:28,200
NO, IT WASN'T
LIKE THAT.
147
00:07:28,300 --> 00:07:29,400
THEY HAD LOTS
OF LIGHTS
148
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:31,000
AND CAMERAS AND
TAPE RECORDERS
149
00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:32,200
ALL THAT SORT
OF THING.
150
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:33,800
OH, THAT'LL
BE RAY BAXTER
151
00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:36,800
AND THE BOYS AND GIRLS
FROM TOMORROW'S WORLD.
152
00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:38,900
OOH, I PREFER
REGINALD BOSANQUET.
153
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:40,600
THERE'S NOT SO
MANY OF 'EM.
154
00:07:40,700 --> 00:07:41,800
( doorbell rings )
155
00:07:41,900 --> 00:07:44,100
OH, THAT'LL BE
THE RATCATCHER.
156
00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:45,800
HELLO, MR. AND MRS. CONCRETE?
157
00:07:45,900 --> 00:07:47,500
YES?
158
00:07:47,500 --> 00:07:51,800
WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL,
WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL
159
00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:53,300
WELL, HOW VERY NICE.
160
00:07:53,300 --> 00:07:55,500
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
161
00:07:55,500 --> 00:07:58,900
I'M LESLIE AMES, THE CHAIRMAN
OF THE TEST SELECTION COMMITTEE
162
00:07:58,900 --> 00:08:01,200
AND I'M VERY PLEASED
TO BE ABLE TO TELL YOU
163
00:08:01,300 --> 00:08:02,900
THAT YOUR FLAT HAS BEEN CHOSEN
164
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:06,000
AS THE VENUE FOR THE THIRD TEST
AGAINST THE WEST INDIES.
165
00:08:06,100 --> 00:08:07,000
REALLY?
166
00:08:07,100 --> 00:08:08,300
NO, IT WAS JUST
A LITTLE JOKE.
167
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:09,900
ACTUALLY I'M
THE COUNCIL RATCATCHER.
168
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,300
OH, YES, WE'VE BEEN
EXPECTING YOU.
169
00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:12,400
OH, I GATHER
YOU'VE GOT
170
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:13,600
A LITTLE
RODENTAL PROBLEM.
171
00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:14,800
OH, BLIMEY!
YOU'D THINK
172
00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:16,200
HE WAS AWAKE
ALL THE NIGHT
173
00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:18,100
SCRABBLING DOWN
BY THE WAINSCOTTING.
174
00:08:18,100 --> 00:08:20,400
MMM, THAT'S AN
INTERESTING WORD, ISN'T IT?
175
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:21,400
WHAT?
176
00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:22,400
WAINSCOTTING.
177
00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,800
WAINSCOTTING, WAINSCOTTING.
178
00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:28,000
SOUNDS LIKE A LITTLE
DORSET VILLAGE.
179
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:29,000
WAINSCOTTING.
180
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:32,400
WE'VE BEEN MENTIONED ON TELLY!
181
00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:34,200
UH, WHERE IS IT WORST?
182
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:35,400
WELL, DOWN HERE
183
00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:37,300
YOU CAN USUALLY
HEAR THEM.
184
00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:38,300
SHH! SHH! SHH!
185
00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:42,200
( bleating )
186
00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:44,600
NO, THAT'S SHEEP
YOU'VE GOT THERE.
187
00:08:44,700 --> 00:08:46,300
( bleating continues )
188
00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:48,300
NO, THAT'S
DEFINITELY SHEEP.
189
00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:49,600
A BIT OF A PUZZLE, REALLY.
190
00:08:49,700 --> 00:08:51,000
IS IT?
191
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:53,100
YEAH, WELL, I MEAN IT'S
"A," NOT GOING TO RESPOND
192
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,400
TO A NICE PIECE OF CHEESE
193
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:56,800
AND "B," IT ISN'T GOING
TO FIT INTO A TRAP.
194
00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:58,000
OH, WHAT
YOU GONNA DO?
195
00:08:58,100 --> 00:09:00,200
WELL, WE'LL HAVE
TO LOOK FOR THE HOLE.
196
00:09:00,300 --> 00:09:01,200
OH, YEAH.
197
00:09:01,300 --> 00:09:03,200
UH... OOH...
198
00:09:03,300 --> 00:09:05,100
HEY! THERE'S
ONE HERE.
199
00:09:05,100 --> 00:09:07,100
NO, NO, NO,
THAT'S MICE.
200
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:10,500
( laughter )
201
00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:13,800
OH! THIS IS
WHAT WE'RE AFTER!
202
00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:17,600
( laughter )
203
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:20,800
EXCUSE ME,
IS THE THIRD TEST IN HERE?
204
00:09:20,900 --> 00:09:24,000
NO, NO, THAT WAS
A JOKE, IT'S A JOKE.
205
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:25,300
( laughter )
206
00:09:25,300 --> 00:09:28,500
RIGHT! WELL, I'M GOING
IN THE WAINSCOTTING.
207
00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:30,000
THEY SAID IT AGAIN!
208
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,600
LAY DOWN SOME
SHEEP POISON.
209
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:33,600
OOH.
210
00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:36,400
( bleating )
211
00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:37,400
( gunshot )
212
00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:42,500
( yelling in pain )
213
00:09:42,500 --> 00:09:44,600
OOH, IT'S GOT A GUN!
214
00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:46,900
OOH! BLIMEY.
215
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:48,800
NOW, NORMALLY
A SHEEP IS
216
00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:50,600
A PLACID,
TIMID CREATURE
217
00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:52,600
BUT YOU'VE GOT A KILLER!
218
00:09:52,700 --> 00:09:57,000
( laughter )
219
00:10:04,700 --> 00:10:08,200
IT'S AN ENTIRELY NEW STRAIN
OF SHEEP-- A KILLER SHEEP
220
00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:10,200
THAT CAN NOT
ONLY HOLD A RIFLE
221
00:10:10,300 --> 00:10:12,300
BUT IS ALSO
A FIRST-CLASS SHOT.
222
00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:14,600
BUT WHERE ARE THEY
COMING FROM, PROFESSOR?
223
00:10:14,700 --> 00:10:16,700
THAT I DON'T KNOW.
224
00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:18,800
I JUST DON'T KNOW.
225
00:10:18,900 --> 00:10:21,800
I REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW.
226
00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:25,100
I'M AFRAID I REALLY
JUST DON'T KNOW.
227
00:10:25,100 --> 00:10:28,800
I'M AFRAID EVEN I
REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW.
228
00:10:28,900 --> 00:10:30,000
I HAVE TO TELL YOU
229
00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:32,800
I'M AFRAID EVEN I
REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW.
230
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:35,200
I'M AFRAID I HAVE
TO TELL YOU THAT...
231
00:10:37,300 --> 00:10:38,400
THANK YOU.
232
00:10:38,500 --> 00:10:39,900
I DON'T KNOW.
233
00:10:39,900 --> 00:10:42,500
OUR ONLY CLUE IS THIS
PORTION OF WOLF'S CLOTHING
234
00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:43,900
WHICH THE
KILLER SHEEP...
235
00:10:43,900 --> 00:10:45,100
WAS WEARING...
236
00:10:45,100 --> 00:10:47,300
IN YESTERDAY'S RAID
ON SELFRIDGES.
237
00:10:47,300 --> 00:10:49,000
I'LL CARRY OUT
TESTS ON IT
238
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:50,700
STRAIGHT AWAY,
PROFESSOR.
239
00:10:50,700 --> 00:10:54,800
( inJamaican accent ):
HELLO, IS THE THIRD TEST IN HERE, PLEASE?
240
00:10:54,900 --> 00:10:57,200
( laughter )
241
00:10:57,300 --> 00:10:59,500
PROFESSOR, THERE
ARE SOME CRICKETERS
242
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:00,700
IN THE LABORATORY.
243
00:11:00,700 --> 00:11:02,500
THIS MAY BE EVEN
MORE SERIOUS
244
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:05,000
THAN EVEN I HAD
AT FIRST BEEN IMAGINING.
245
00:11:05,100 --> 00:11:08,800
WHAT A STRANGE, STRANGE LINE.
246
00:11:08,900 --> 00:11:10,200
THERE'S NO
TIME TO WASTE!
247
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,400
GET ME THE CHIEF
COMMISSIONER OF POLICE.
248
00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:13,400
YES, SIR.
249
00:11:14,500 --> 00:11:18,300
NO, NO,
ON THE PHONE!
250
00:11:18,300 --> 00:11:20,700
LOOK OF FEAR!
251
00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:22,500
ANOTHER STRANGE LINE.
252
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:24,200
LOOK OUT,
MISS GARTER OIL!
253
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:25,700
PROFESSOR,
WHAT IS IT?
254
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:27,000
WHAT HAVE YOU SEEN?
255
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:28,500
LOOK, THERE
IN THE DOORWAY!
256
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:29,600
( screams )
257
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:32,000
ARTHUR X, LEADER
OF THE PENNINE GANG.
258
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:33,400
DON'T NOBODY MOVE.
259
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:36,800
ALL RIGHT, BOYS, WE'RE PUTTIN'
PLAN "A" INTO OPERATION.
260
00:11:36,900 --> 00:11:38,400
BUGSY, LOUIE, MOVE OUT.
261
00:11:42,300 --> 00:11:48,100
( gunfire )
262
00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:53,100
NEXT-- BASIL, YOU
AND THE KID-- MOVE.
263
00:11:53,100 --> 00:11:58,600
( gunfire )
264
00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:01,300
OKAY, BOYS, THIS TIME
WE GO FOR THE HEAVY STUFF.
265
00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:07,200
( explosion )
266
00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:13,300
( banjo and bass play
"Foggy Mountain Breakdown" )
267
00:12:22,300 --> 00:12:25,200
BUT SOON THE KILLER SHEEP
BEGAN TO INFECT OTHER ANIMALS
268
00:12:25,300 --> 00:12:26,900
WITH ITS STARTLING INTELLIGENCE.
269
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:28,900
PUSSYCATS BEGAN
TO ARRANGE MORTGAGES.
270
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:31,400
COCKER SPANIELS BEGAN
TO DESIGN SUPERMARKETS.
271
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:34,900
AND PARROTS STARTED TO ANNOUNCE
TELEVISION PROGRAMS.
272
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:37,300
IT'S 8:00 AND TIME FOR THE NEWS.
273
00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:40,000
GOOD EVENING,
HERE IS THE NEWS FOR PARROTS.
274
00:12:40,100 --> 00:12:43,700
NO PARROTS WERE INVOLVED
IN AN ACCIDENT ON THE M-1 TODAY
275
00:12:43,700 --> 00:12:47,300
WHEN A LORRY CARRYING HIGH-
OCTANE FUEL WAS IN COLLISION
276
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:49,200
WITH A BOLLARD.
277
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:52,800
THAT IS A BOLLARD
AND NOT A PARROT.
278
00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:54,400
A SPOKESMAN FOR PARROTS SAID
279
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,500
HE WAS GLAD
NO PARROTS WERE INVOLVED.
280
00:12:56,500 --> 00:12:58,000
( laughter )
281
00:12:58,100 --> 00:13:02,600
THE MINISTER OF TECHNOLOGY TODAY
MET THE THREE RUSSIAN LEADERS
282
00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:05,700
TO DISCUSS A &$4 MILLION
AIRLINER DEAL.
283
00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:07,600
NONE OF THEM WENT IN THE CAGE
284
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:10,000
OR SWUNG ON THE LITTLE
WOODEN TRAPEZE
285
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:12,800
OR ATE ANY OF THE NICE
MILLET SEED-- YUM, YUM.
286
00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:14,400
THAT'S THE END OF THE NEWS.
287
00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:16,600
NOW OUR PROGRAMS
FOR PARROTS CONTINUE
288
00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:18,800
WITH PART THREE
OF A TALE OF TWO CITIES
289
00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:21,200
SPECIALLY ADAPTED
FOR PARROTS BY JOEY BOY.
290
00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:22,800
THE STORY SO FAR:
291
00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:25,900
DR. MANETTE IS IN ENGLAND,
AFTER 18 YEARS IN THE BASTILLE.
292
00:13:25,900 --> 00:13:28,900
HIS DAUGHTER, LUCY, AWAITS
HER LOVER, CHARLES DARNAY
293
00:13:28,900 --> 00:13:30,400
WHOM WE HAVE JUST LEARNED
294
00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:33,500
IS IN FACT THE NEPHEW OF
THE MARQUIS de ST. EVREMONDE
295
00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:36,300
WHOSE CRUELTY HAD PLACED
MANETTE IN THE BASTILLE.
296
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:39,700
DARNAY ARRIVES TO FIND LUCY
TENDING HER AGED FATHER.
297
00:13:48,500 --> 00:13:51,300
( imitating parrot ):
'ALLO, 'ALLO!
298
00:13:51,300 --> 00:13:52,600
'ALLO, 'ALLO, 'ALLO!
299
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:55,000
WHO'S A PRETTY
BOY, THEN?
300
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,600
WHO'S A PRETTY BOY?
301
00:13:56,600 --> 00:14:00,900
( all squawking at once )
302
00:14:00,900 --> 00:14:05,500
AND WHILE THAT'S GOING ON,
HERE IS THE NEWS FOR GIBBONS.
303
00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:07,400
NO GIBBONS WERE INVOLVED...
304
00:14:07,500 --> 00:14:10,200
Announcer:
AND WHILE THAT'S GOING ON, HERE FROM WESTMINSTER
305
00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:12,000
ISA PARLIAMENTARY REPORT
FOR HUMANS.
306
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:14,800
IN THE DEBATE, A SPOKESMAN
ACCUSED THE GOVERNMENT
307
00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:17,500
OF BEING SILLY AND DOING
NOT AT ALL GOOD THINGS.
308
00:14:17,500 --> 00:14:20,700
THE MEMBER ACCEPTED THIS
IN A SPIRIT OF HEALTHY CRITICISM
309
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:23,800
BUT DENIED THAT HE'D EVER BEEN
NAUGHTY WITH A CHOIRBOY.
310
00:14:23,900 --> 00:14:26,200
ANGRY SHOUTS OF "WHAT ABOUT
THE WATERMELON, THEN?"
311
00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:29,000
WERE ORDERED BY THE SPEAKER
TO BE STRICKEN FROM THE RECORD
312
00:14:29,100 --> 00:14:31,200
AND PUT INTO A BROWN PAPER BAG
IN THE LAVVY.
313
00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:33,600
ANY FURTHER INTERRUPTIONS
WOULD BE CUT OFF
314
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,500
AND DISTRIBUTED
AMONGST THE POOR.
315
00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:38,000
FOR THE GOVERNMENT,
A FRONT BENCH SPOKESMAN SAID
316
00:14:38,100 --> 00:14:40,700
THE AGRICULTURAL TARIFF
WOULD HAVE TO BE RAISED
317
00:14:40,700 --> 00:14:41,800
AND HE FANCIED A BIT.
318
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:43,400
FURTHERMORE, HE ARGUED
319
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:46,300
THIS WOULD GIVE A LARGE BOOST
TO FARMERS, AND A LOT OF FUN
320
00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:49,200
TO HIM, HIS FRIEND
AND MISS MOIST OF KNIGHTSBRIDGE.
321
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:50,600
FROM THE BACK BENCHES
322
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:53,000
THERE WERE OPPOSITION SHOUTS
OF "POSTCARDS FOR SALE!"
323
00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:55,400
AND A HEALTHY CRY
OF "WHO LIKES A SAILOR, THEN?"
324
00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:57,200
FROM THE MINISTER
WITHOUT PORTFOLIO.
325
00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:58,400
( laughter )
326
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,200
REPLYING,
THE SHADOW MINISTER SAID
327
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:02,000
HE COULD NO LONGER DENY
THE RUMORS
328
00:15:02,100 --> 00:15:04,300
BUT HE AND THE DACHSHUND
WERE VERY HAPPY.
329
00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:06,800
AND, IN ANY CASE, HE ARGUED,
RHUBARB WAS CHEAP
330
00:15:06,900 --> 00:15:08,900
AND WHAT WAS THE HARM
IN A SAUNA BATH.
331
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:13,100
...WERE NOT INVOLVED.
332
00:15:13,100 --> 00:15:16,000
THE MINISTER OF TECHNOLOGY MET
THE THREE RUSSIAN LEADERS TODAY
333
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:19,400
TO DISCUSS A &$4 MILLION
AIRLINER DEAL.
334
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:21,400
NONE OF THEM WERE INDIGENOUS
TO AUSTRALIA
335
00:15:21,500 --> 00:15:23,100
CARRIED THEIR BABIES IN POUCHES
336
00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:25,400
OR ATE ANY OF THOSE
YUMMY EUCALYPTUS LEAVES.
337
00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:27,100
YUM, YUM.
338
00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:31,200
THAT'S THE NEWS FOR WOMBATS,
AND NOW ATTILA THE BUN!
339
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:38,100
( shouting viciously )
340
00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:42,400
WELL, THAT'S ALL
FOR ATTILA THE BUN.
341
00:15:42,500 --> 00:15:44,400
AND NOW, IDIOTS.
342
00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:58,800
Announcer:
ARTHUR FIGGIS ISAN IDIOT, A VILLAGE IDIOT.
343
00:15:58,900 --> 00:16:01,900
TONIGHT WE LOOK
AT THE IDIOT IN SOCIETY.
344
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:03,800
( intelligently ):
WELL, I FEEL VERY KEENLY
345
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:06,100
THAT THE IDIOT IS A PART
OF THE OLD VILLAGE SYSTEM
346
00:16:06,100 --> 00:16:07,800
AND, AS SUCH, HAS
A VITAL ROLE TO PLAY
347
00:16:07,900 --> 00:16:11,400
IN THE MODERN RURAL SOCIETY,
BECAUSE, YOU SEE...
348
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:12,900
OOH, AR, OOH, AR!
349
00:16:12,900 --> 00:16:15,000
( babbling incoherently )
350
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:16,500
OOH, AR, THANKEE, VICAR.
351
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:20,000
BECAUSE THERE IS THIS
VERY REAL NEED IN SOCIETY
352
00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:24,600
FOR SOMEONE WHOM ALMOST ANYONE
CAN LOOK DOWN ON AND RIDICULE.
353
00:16:24,700 --> 00:16:26,900
AND THIS IS THE ROLE THAT...
354
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:31,300
( babbling )
355
00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:33,200
THANK YOU, MRS. THOMPSON.
356
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:36,200
THIS IS THE ROLE THAT
I AND MEMBERS OF MY FAMILY
357
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:39,500
HAVE FULFILLED IN THIS VILLAGE
FOR THE PAST 400 YEARS.
358
00:16:39,500 --> 00:16:41,200
AH, GOOD MORNING, MR. JENKINS.
359
00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:43,600
I.C.I. HAVE INCREASED THEIR
HALF-YEARLY DIVIDEND, I SEE.
360
00:16:43,700 --> 00:16:45,700
YES, SPLENDID.
361
00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:47,600
THAT'S MR. JENKINS,
HE'S ANOTHER IDIOT.
362
00:16:47,700 --> 00:16:51,000
AND SO, YOU SEE,
THE IDIOT DOES PROVIDE
363
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:55,000
A VITAL PSYCHO-SOCIAL SERVICE
FOR THIS COMMUNITY.
364
00:16:56,100 --> 00:16:57,200
OH, EXCUSE ME.
365
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:58,600
A COACH PARTY'S JUST ARRIVED.
366
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:00,800
I SHALL HAVE TO FALL
OFF THE WALL, I'M AFRAID.
367
00:17:00,900 --> 00:17:03,400
( babbling )
368
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:04,500
( crash )
369
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,600
ARTHUR TAKES IDIOTTING
SERIOUSLY.
370
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:15,500
HE IS UP AT 6::00 EVERY MORNING
371
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:17,800
WORKING ON SPECIAL
TRAINING EQUIPMENT
372
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:19,500
DESIGNED TO KEEP HIM SILLY.
373
00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:23,400
( laughter )
374
00:17:27,100 --> 00:17:30,700
AND, OF COURSE, HE TAKES
GREAT PRIDE IN HISAPPEARANCE.
375
00:17:36,100 --> 00:17:38,800
LIKE THE DOCTOR,
THE BLACKSMITH, THE CARPENTER
376
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:41,900
MR. FIGGIS ISAN IMPORTANT
FIGURE IN THIS VILLAGE.
377
00:17:41,900 --> 00:17:45,200
LIKE THEM,
HE USES THE LOCAL BANK.
378
00:17:45,300 --> 00:17:48,600
YES, WE HAVE QUITE A NUMBER
OF IDIOTS BANKING HERE.
379
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:50,200
Interviewer:
WHAT KIND OF MONEY
380
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:51,700
IS THERE
IN IDIOTTING?
381
00:17:51,700 --> 00:17:54,200
WELL, NOWADAYS, THE REALLY
BLITHERING IDIOT CAN MAKE
382
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:55,800
ANYTHING UP TO &$10,000 A YEAR
383
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:58,400
IF HE'S THE HEAD OF
SOME BIG INDUSTRIAL COMBINE.
384
00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:00,700
BUT, OF COURSE,
THE MORE OLD-FASHIONED IDIOT
385
00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:02,200
STILL REFUSES TO TAKE MONEY.
386
00:18:02,300 --> 00:18:06,200
HE TAKES BITS OF STRING, WOOD
387
00:18:06,300 --> 00:18:10,200
DEAD BUDGERIGARS,
SPARROWS, ANYTHING.
388
00:18:10,300 --> 00:18:13,100
BUT IT DOES MAKE THE CASHIER'S
JOB VERY DIFFICULT.
389
00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:15,400
BUT, OF COURSE, THEY'RE
FOOLS TO THEMSELVES
390
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:17,600
BECAUSE THE RATE OF INTEREST
OVER TEN YEARS
391
00:18:17,700 --> 00:18:19,400
ON A PIECE OF MOSS
OR A DEAD VOLE
392
00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:21,100
IS ALMOST NEGLIGIBLE.
393
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,100
Man:
MR. BRANDO!
394
00:18:22,100 --> 00:18:23,100
YES?
395
00:18:23,100 --> 00:18:24,400
HOLLYWOOD ON THE PHONE.
396
00:18:24,500 --> 00:18:26,500
I'LL TAKE IT
IN THE OFFICE.
397
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:29,600
BUTMR. FIGGIS
IS NO ORDINARY IDIOT.
398
00:18:29,700 --> 00:18:31,500
HE ISA LECTURER IN IDIOCY
399
00:18:31,500 --> 00:18:33,800
AT THE UNIVERSITY
OF EASTANGLIA.
400
00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:37,800
HERE HE IS TAKING A CLASS
OF THIRD-YEAR STUDENTS.
401
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:40,900
( babbling and singing )
402
00:18:40,900 --> 00:18:43,000
AFTER THREE YEARS OF STUDY
403
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:47,400
THESEAPPRENTICE IDIOTS RECEIVE
A DIPLOMA OF IDIOCY
404
00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:50,800
A HANDFUL OFMUD...
405
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:52,300
AND A KICK ON THE HEAD.
406
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:55,000
SOME OF THE OLDER IDIOTS RESENT
THE GRADUATE IDIOT.
407
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,500
I'M A COMPLETELY
SELF-TAUGHT IDIOT.
408
00:18:57,500 --> 00:19:00,100
I MEAN...
( mumbles incoherently )
409
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:01,600
NOBODY DOES THAT ANYMORE.
410
00:19:01,700 --> 00:19:03,400
ANYBODY WHO DID THAT
ROUND HERE
411
00:19:03,500 --> 00:19:05,300
WOULD BE LAUGHED
OFF THE STREET.
412
00:19:05,300 --> 00:19:09,000
NO, NOWADAYS, PEOPLE
WANT SOMETHING WITTIER.
413
00:19:15,300 --> 00:19:18,200
KEVIN O'NASSIS
WORKS LARGELY WITH WALLS.
414
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:20,300
WHOA!
415
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:22,800
O'Nassis:
WELL, YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
416
00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:24,600
I MEAN, SOME PEOPLE
THINK I'M MAD.
417
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:27,300
THE VILLAGERS SAY I'M MAD,
THE TOURISTS SAY I'M MAD.
418
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,400
WELL, I AM MAD,
BUT I'M NATURALLY MAD.
419
00:19:29,500 --> 00:19:31,500
I DON'T USE ANY CHEMICALS.
420
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:32,800
WHOA!
421
00:19:32,900 --> 00:19:35,000
BUT WHAT OF THE IDIOT'S
PRIVATE LIFE?
422
00:19:35,100 --> 00:19:37,400
HOWABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP
WITH WOMEN?
423
00:19:38,900 --> 00:19:41,300
WELL, I MAY BE AN IDIOT,
BUT I'M NO FOOL.
424
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:43,000
( laughter )
425
00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:46,600
BUT THE VILLAGE IDIOT'S
DIRTY SMOCKAND WALL-FALLING
426
00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:50,000
AREA FAR CRY FROM THE MODERN
WORLD OF THE URBAN IDIOT.
427
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:53,000
WHAT KINDS OF BACKGROUNDS DO
THESE CITY IDIOTS COME FROM?
428
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:57,200
( screeching unintelligibly )
429
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:03,200
UH... UH...
430
00:20:12,700 --> 00:20:16,500
( mumbling unintelligibly )
431
00:20:19,500 --> 00:20:21,900
THE HEADQUARTERS
OF THESE URBAN IDIOTS
432
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:23,700
IS HERE IN ST. JOHN'S WOOD.
433
00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:27,600
INSIDE, THEY CAN ENJOY
THE COMPANY OF OTHER IDIOTS
434
00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:31,600
AND WATCH SPECIAL PERFORMANCES
OF RITUAL IDIOTTING.
435
00:20:39,100 --> 00:20:40,700
WELL LEFT.
436
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:42,200
WELL-PLAYED.
437
00:20:42,300 --> 00:20:44,100
WELL, WELL.
438
00:20:44,100 --> 00:20:45,400
WELL-BRED.
439
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:47,400
( groans )
440
00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:51,800
Commentator:
GOOD AFTERNOON AND WELCOME TO LORDS
441
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:53,900
ON THE SECOND DAY
OF THE FIRST TEST.
442
00:20:53,900 --> 00:20:57,200
SO FAR TODAY, WE'VE HAD FIVE
HOURS BATTING FROM ENGLAND
443
00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:59,400
AND ALREADY
THEY'RE NAUGHT FOR NAUGHT.
444
00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:02,200
COWDREY IS NOT OUT NAUGHT,
AND NAUGHTON IS NOT IN.
445
00:21:02,300 --> 00:21:04,400
KNOTT IS IN AND
IS NAUGHT FOR NOT OUT.
446
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:06,800
NAUGHTON OF NORTHANTS GOT
A NASTY KNOCK ON THE NUT
447
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:09,200
IN THE NETS LAST NIGHT,
BUT IT'S NOTHING OF NOTE.
448
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:10,900
NEXT IN IS NAT NEWTON OF NOTTS.
449
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:12,800
NOT NUTTING-- NUTTING'S AT NINE.
450
00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:15,200
NUTTING KNOCKED NEATIE NIGHTIE
KNOCK... KNOCK...
451
00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:17,900
( babbling )
452
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:21,000
ANYWAY, ENGLAND HAVE PLAYED
EXTREMELY WELL FOR NOTHING--
453
00:21:21,100 --> 00:21:22,800
NOT A SAUSAGE-- IN REPLY
454
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:27,100
TO ICELAND'S FIRST INNINGS TOTAL
OF 722 FOR TWO DECLARED
455
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:30,400
SCORED YESTERDAY DISAPPOINTINGLY
FAST IN ONLY 21 OVERS
456
00:21:30,500 --> 00:21:33,000
WITH LOTS OF WILD SLOGGING
AND BOUNDARIES
457
00:21:33,100 --> 00:21:35,100
AND ALL SORTS
OF RUBBISHY THINGS.
458
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:37,600
BUT THE MAIN THING IS
THAT ENGLAND HAVE MADE
459
00:21:37,700 --> 00:21:40,000
AN ABSOLUTELY
OUTSTANDING START SO FAR.
460
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:41,400
( wheezes, then sniffs )
461
00:21:41,500 --> 00:21:42,600
PETER?
462
00:21:42,700 --> 00:21:43,700
SPLENDID.
463
00:21:43,700 --> 00:21:45,200
JUST LISTEN
TO THOSE THIGHS.
464
00:21:45,300 --> 00:21:48,600
AND NOW IT'S
THE NORTH EAST'S TURN WITH THE SAMBA-- BRIAN?
465
00:21:48,700 --> 00:21:51,200
RATHER I'M REMINDED
OF THE STORY
466
00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:53,100
OF GUBBY ALLEN
IN '32...
467
00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:55,400
OH, SHUT UP OR
WE'LL CLOSE THE BAR.
468
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:59,300
AND NOW BO WILDEBURG IS RUNNING
UP TO BOWL TO COWDREY.
469
00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:02,600
HE RUNS UP,
HE BOWLS TO COWDREY...
470
00:22:02,700 --> 00:22:03,900
AND NO SHOT AT ALL.
471
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,000
EXTREMELY WELL
NOT PLAYED THERE.
472
00:22:06,100 --> 00:22:08,600
YES, BEAUTIFULLY NOT
DONE ANYTHING ABOUT.
473
00:22:08,700 --> 00:22:10,900
A SUPERB SHOT OF
NO KIND WHATSOEVER.
474
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:12,600
I WELL REMEMBER
PLUM WARNER
475
00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:15,300
LEAVING A VERY SIMILAR
BALL ALONE IN 1732.
476
00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:18,000
OH, SHUT UP, LONG NOSE.
477
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:19,700
( laughter )
478
00:22:19,700 --> 00:22:23,000
AND NOW IT'S BO WILDEBURG
RUNNING IN AGAIN
479
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:24,500
TO BOWL TO COWDREY.
480
00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:27,200
HE RUNS IN,
HE BOWLS TO COWDREY...
481
00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:28,600
AND NO SHOT AT ALL.
482
00:22:28,700 --> 00:22:30,800
A SUPERB DISPLAY
OF INERTIA THERE.
483
00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:33,000
AND THAT'S THE END
OF THE OVER, AND DRINKS.
484
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:34,400
GIN AND TONIC, PLEASE.
485
00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:36,200
NO, NO, THE PLAYERS
ARE HAVING DRINKS.
486
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:39,200
AND NOW WHAT'S HAPPENING?
487
00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:41,500
I THINK COWDREY'S BEING TAKEN...
488
00:22:41,500 --> 00:22:43,900
YES, COWDREY
IS BEING CARRIED OFF.
489
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:45,000
WELL, I NEVER!
490
00:22:45,100 --> 00:22:46,400
NOW, WHO'S IN NEXT?
491
00:22:46,500 --> 00:22:49,200
IT SHOULD BE NUMBER THREE,
NATT NEWTON OF NOTTS.
492
00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:51,000
GET YOUR HAND
OFF MY THIGH, WEST.
493
00:22:51,100 --> 00:22:52,500
NO, I DON'T THINK IT IS.
494
00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:55,900
I THINK IT'S... IT'S THE SOFA...
NO, IT'S THE CHESTERFIELD.
495
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,900
THE GREEN CHESTERFIELD
IS COMING IN AT NUMBER THREE
496
00:22:58,900 --> 00:23:00,800
TO TAKE GUARD NOW.
497
00:23:00,900 --> 00:23:02,700
I WELL REMEMBER
A SIMILAR DIVAN
498
00:23:02,700 --> 00:23:05,100
BEING BROUGHT ON AT
HEADINGLEY IN 9 B.C.
499
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:06,400
AGAINST THE DARKIES.
500
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,000
OH, SHUT UP,
ELEPHANT SNOUT.
501
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:10,700
AND NOW THE GREEN CHESTERFIELD
HAS TAKEN GUARD
502
00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:14,200
AND, AH! ICELAND ARE PUTTING ON
THEIR SPIN DRYER TO BOWL.
503
00:23:14,300 --> 00:23:16,600
THE SPIN DRYER MOVING BACK
TO HIS MARK
504
00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:20,400
IT RUNS OUT TO THE WICKET,
BOWLS TO THE TABLE...
505
00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:23,100
A LITTLE BIT SHORT,
BUT IT'S COMING IN A BIT THERE
506
00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:24,600
AND IT'S HIT HIM ON THE PAD!
507
00:23:24,700 --> 00:23:27,800
THERE'S AN APPEAL AND THE TABLE
IS OUT-- LEG BEFORE WICKET.
508
00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:30,200
THAT IS ENGLAND NAUGHT FOR ONE.
509
00:23:30,300 --> 00:23:34,300
AND NOW WE LEA VE LORDSAND
GO OVER TO EPSOM FOR THE 3::00.
510
00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:36,600
Commentator:
WELL, HERE AT EPSOM, WE TAKE UP THE RUNNING
511
00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:38,600
WITH 50 YARDS OF
THIS MILE-AND-A-HALF RACE TO GO
512
00:23:38,700 --> 00:23:40,800
AND IT'S THE WASH BASIN IN
THE LEAD FROM W.C. PEDESTAL.
513
00:23:40,900 --> 00:23:42,800
TUCKED IN NICELY THERE
IS THE SOFA GOING VERY WELL
514
00:23:42,900 --> 00:23:44,200
WITH JOANNA SOUTHCOTT'S BOX
515
00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:45,600
MAKING A GOOD RUN
FROM HAT STAND ON THE RAILS.
516
00:23:45,700 --> 00:23:47,200
AND THE STANDARD LAMP
IS FADING FAST
517
00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:49,100
BUT IT'S WASH BASIN DEFINITELY
TAKING UP THE RUNNING NOW
518
00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:50,400
BEING STRONGLY PRESSED BY W.C.
519
00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:52,600
AT THE POST,
IT'S THE WASH BASIN FROM W.C.
520
00:23:52,700 --> 00:23:54,600
THEN SOFA, HAT STAND,
STANDARD LAMP
521
00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:56,500
AND LASTLY,
JOANNA SOUTHCOTT'S BOX.
522
00:23:56,600 --> 00:23:59,200
OPEN THE BOX!
OPEN THE BOX!
523
00:23:59,300 --> 00:24:01,300
OPEN THE BOX!
524
00:24:01,300 --> 00:24:02,800
OPEN THE BOX!
525
00:24:05,500 --> 00:24:08,200
AND COULD WE HAVE
THE NEXT CONTENDER, PLEASE?
526
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:12,900
( audience laughter )
527
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:16,800
( chuckling )
528
00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:18,200
GOOD EVENING, MADAM.
529
00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:19,400
AND YOUR NAME IS?
530
00:24:19,500 --> 00:24:20,600
YES, YES.
531
00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:21,900
AND WHAT'S
YOUR NAME?
532
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:23,400
I GO TO CHURCH
REGULARLY.
533
00:24:23,500 --> 00:24:24,800
JOLLY GOOD, I SEE.
534
00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:26,500
AND WHICH PRIZE
DO YOU HAVE
535
00:24:26,500 --> 00:24:28,400
PARTICULAR EYES ON
THIS EVENING?
536
00:24:28,500 --> 00:24:30,000
OH, I'D LIKE
THE BLOW ON THE HEAD.
537
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:31,000
THE BLOW ON THE HEAD.
538
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:32,000
JUST THERE.
539
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:33,400
JOLLY GOOD.
540
00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:34,900
WELL, YOUR
FIRST QUESTION
541
00:24:34,900 --> 00:24:37,300
FOR THE BLOW
ON THE HEAD THIS EVENING IS:
542
00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:39,800
WHAT GREAT OPPONENT
OF CARTESIAN DUALISM
543
00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:42,600
RESISTS THE REDUCTION
OF PSYCHOLOGICAL PHENOMENA
544
00:24:42,700 --> 00:24:45,000
TO PHYSICAL STATES?
545
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:46,600
I DON'T KNOW THAT!
546
00:24:46,700 --> 00:24:48,500
WELL, HAVE A GUESS.
547
00:24:48,500 --> 00:24:49,800
HENRI BERGSON.
548
00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:51,100
IS THE CORRECT ANSWER!
549
00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:52,300
OH, THAT WAS LUCKY.
550
00:24:52,300 --> 00:24:53,300
I NEVER EVEN HEARD OF HIM.
551
00:24:53,300 --> 00:24:54,300
JOLLY GOOD.
552
00:24:54,300 --> 00:24:55,300
I DON'T LIKE DARKIES.
553
00:24:55,300 --> 00:25:00,000
( chortling )
554
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:02,500
WHO DOES?
555
00:25:02,500 --> 00:25:04,300
AND NOW YOUR
SECOND QUESTION
556
00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:06,200
FOR THE BLOW
ON THE HEAD IS:
557
00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:08,800
WHAT IS THE MAIN FOOD
THAT PENGUINS EAT?
558
00:25:08,900 --> 00:25:10,200
PORK LUNCHEON MEAT.
559
00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:11,200
NO.
560
00:25:11,300 --> 00:25:12,300
SPAM?
561
00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:13,800
NO, NO, NO, WHAT
DO PENGUINS EAT?
562
00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:14,800
PENGUINS.
563
00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:15,800
PENGUINS?
564
00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:16,800
YES.
565
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:18,100
I HATE PENGUINS.
566
00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:19,200
NO, NO, NO.
567
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:20,200
THEY EAT THEMSELVES.
568
00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:21,200
NO, NO, WHAT DO
PENGUINS EAT?
569
00:25:21,300 --> 00:25:22,200
HORSES! ARMCHAIRS!
570
00:25:22,300 --> 00:25:23,300
NO, NO, WHAT DO
PENGUINS EAT?
571
00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:24,400
OH, PENGUINS.
572
00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:25,400
PENGUINS.
573
00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:26,400
CANNELLONI.
574
00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:28,600
LASAGNA, MOUSSAKA,
LOBSTER THERMIDOR
575
00:25:28,700 --> 00:25:31,400
ESCALOPES DE VEAU
A L'ESTRAGON AVEC ENDIVES
576
00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:32,800
GRATINEED WITH CHEESE.
577
00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:34,400
NO, I'LL GIVE YOU
A CLUE.
578
00:25:35,900 --> 00:25:38,400
AH! BRIAN CLOSE.
579
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:39,400
( laughter )
580
00:25:39,500 --> 00:25:40,700
NO, NO.
581
00:25:40,700 --> 00:25:43,000
BRIAN INGLIS,
BRIAN JOHNSON, BRYAN FORBES.
582
00:25:43,100 --> 00:25:44,400
NO, NO.
583
00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:46,000
NANETTE NEWMAN.
584
00:25:46,100 --> 00:25:48,200
NO, WHAT SWIMS
IN THE SEA
585
00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:50,200
AND GETS CAUGHT
IN NETS?
586
00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:51,700
HENRI BERGSON.
587
00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:52,700
NO!
588
00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:53,900
GOATS.
589
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:55,200
UNDERWATER GOATS WITH
SNORKELS AND FLIPPERS.
590
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:56,400
A BUFFALO
WITH AN AQUALUNG.
591
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:57,400
NO.
592
00:25:57,400 --> 00:25:58,600
REGINALD MAUDLING.
593
00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:00,700
YES, THAT'S NEAR ENOUGH,
I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.
594
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:03,200
RIGHT NOW, MRS. SCUM,
YOU HAVE WON YOUR PRIZE.
595
00:26:03,300 --> 00:26:05,400
DO YOU STILL WANT
THE BLOW ON THE HEAD?
596
00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:06,700
YES, YES.
597
00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:08,600
I'LL OFFER YOU
A POKE IN THE EYE.
598
00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:10,000
NO, I WANT THE BLOW
ON THE HEAD.
599
00:26:10,100 --> 00:26:11,100
A PUNCH
IN THE THROAT?
600
00:26:11,100 --> 00:26:12,200
NO!
601
00:26:12,300 --> 00:26:13,600
ALL RIGHT THEN,
A KICK IN THE KNEECAP.
602
00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:14,800
NO.
603
00:26:14,900 --> 00:26:17,500
MRS. SCUM,
I'M OFFERING YOU A BOOT IN THE TEETH
604
00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:19,000
AND A DAGGER
UP THE STRAP.
605
00:26:19,100 --> 00:26:21,100
( hesitantly ):
ER...
606
00:26:21,100 --> 00:26:23,700
Audience members ( shouting ):
TAKE THE BLOW ON THE HEAD!
607
00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:26,100
NO, I'LL TAKE
THE BLOW ON THE HEAD.
608
00:26:26,100 --> 00:26:27,700
VERY WELL THEN,
MRS. SCUM
609
00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:30,100
YOU HAVE WON
TONIGHT'S STAR PRIZE--
610
00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:31,600
THE BLOW ON THE HEAD!
611
00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:34,400
( ding )
612
00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:41,600
( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"
playing )
613
00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:44,600
[Captioning sponsored by THE
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
614
00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:46,600
and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS
615
00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:49,600
Captioned by
The Caption Center WGBH EducationaL Foundation]
616
00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:51,600
( applause )
617
00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:12,000
( music ends with fart )
618
00:27:12,050 --> 00:27:16,600
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