Original subtitles

THE CORRIDORS OF TIME

In the year 1123, men were valiant.

wizards ruled over the forests

with magic spells, potions and remedies.

Godefroy, Count of Montmirail, returned from war

with his squire, Jacquasse the Crass.

He rushed to his betrothed, sweet Frenegonde.

Bewitched by a wicked witch,

he mistook Frenegonde's father for a bear

and slew him with an arrow.

Deserted by Frenegonde, Godefroy consulted the wizard Eusabius,

who tried sending Godefroy through the Corridors of Time

to the moment before the accident.

But the wizard goofed.

He thrust our heroes into the 20th century.

The psychos!

Look at the bums!

Godefroy met his descendant, Beatrice de Montmirail.

she mistook him for her cousin Hubert,

who has the ancestral nose.

But Jacquart, Jacquasse' descendant,

denied any link with such an oaf.

Jacquasse and Godefroy met Ginette,

a hobo who mistook them for stuntmen.

But Beatrice wrongly assumed that Ginette also came

from the Middle Ages.

Before Godefroy returned to the past,

he locked up sergeant Gibbon and sedated him.

He managed to prevent his future father-in-law's death.

But Jacquasse did something dumb.

He stole the Duke'sjewels

and hid them in a statue.

By taking them into the future,

and sending Jacquart back to the past

in the coat Ginette had bought for him,

Jacquasse the Crass has left

the Corridors of Time wide open.

Out of my way!

Cousin Hubert! what's going on here?

where the hell am I?

sire! The Crass obeys you not. He flees!

Let me drag him back by his ball-sack.

He is thrilled to be home.

Let him drink the tavern dry.

He'll return soon after.

No network! what a great buy!

It's ice-cold here!

Daughter, you will not wed Count Godefroy.

His subjects are thieves.

Jewel thieves!

How can it be?

I had them this morning.

Now they're gone, as if by magic!

A spell was cast on me!

Relax thyself. I will investigate. If thief there be, he will hang!

Among the stolen family jewels is our Holy Relic.

The sacred tooth!

All that remained of saint Rolande after Caesar's lions devoured her.

It brings fertility!

woe to my daughter

if she is without it at her wedding!

she will be sterile!

I vow to find the sacred tooth, even if Hell awaits me!

My faith is in thee!

Loyal lady!

Find the relic before the new moon

or it will be paid for in blood!

Damned this icy land of yours! August approaches,

and we freeze!

what ails thee?

Sire!

why are you here, Eusabius?

You're back safe and sound?

Indeed.

Your squire too? All is back to normal?

while he drinks, someone swiped the Duke's jewels.

My crystal balls are cloudy.

My potions boil over! I'm scared!

Go now. I will call you when I need you.

It is as if the Corridors of Time were still open!

Strange dogs!

Nice doggies...

They look like wolves.

I don't believe it! They are wolves!

wolves in the woods!

Unbelievable!

Hello, sir. Call the police!

Circus animals are running loose in the woods!

It's horrific!

Look at me, man!

what bad breath! It's like a septic tank!

He looks like Jacquasse the Crass!

He's far too dainty!

Maybe he seduced a foreign princess!

He's handsomely dressed

and so cute!

You're crazy!

Get your hairy hands off me, ass breath!

Holy scrotum! Catch him!

Out of my way!

stop him!

If he flees, he must be guilty!

That hurts! Let go!

Hands off!

Grand Inquisitor, look!

Monks?

Hey! Grand Guru! Head Honcho!

Let me go and I'll keep quiet.

Just call me a taxi.

Confess and die in peace.

Look! A little catapult!

stand back!

It's not mine!

I was drugged and put in these stupid clothes!

The stake! Fire will purge him!

It's a toy! It's Jacquasse's!

Burn him!

It's a cow moo! what do you have against cows?

Hurry, my love!

My father has boils. He vomiteth pus.

The Relic!

Have you found the Relic

of saint Rolande?

He is possessed. we need an exorcist!

we found Jacquasse! The Inquisitor wants to burn him!

My Jacquasse?

what's this scuzz?

Hey there, Big Cheese!

Let me join your sect and send you

a big fat check!

Abandon satan and die forgiven.

Do you speak French?

won't you take my check?

Put that tuna down, okay?

Okayyy!

No touching the fish!

wondrous codpieces!

Our salesgirls are happy to serve you.

Mighty meats!

- Keep your cod! - so get out!

Okay?

Lady Ginette!

Juicy beans and big fat sausage!

It's locked inside! Thievery!

stop shaking the bean stew!

Give it to me!

You'll break it!

My shoes!

Eat this!

- what's that? - To make bread!

Good riddance! we don't want your kind here!

Bums!

These hurt!

- Open your window! - I prefer my bootlets!

It's vile!

- I smell nothing. - It reeks!

They reek not!

Long live the Count!

You're making a big boo-boo!

It's warming up!

There's Cousin Hubert!

I am the Count.

How dare you burn him on my land?

The life and death of my serfs is my affair.

Destroying satan is mine.

He is my loyal servant, Jacquasse.

Explain the satanic noise this box makes.

Yes? I'm waiting.

I'm getting hot!

I've had enough!

If he sinned, he will be punished.

But I'll attend the trial. Obey the law.

we'll interrogate him in your castle.

It won't take long.

I dislike your manners.

And I, yours.

while you yak away, I'm burning!

About time!

what is this madhouse? who are these crazies?

Holy scrotums! Jacquasse's descendant!

I'm not his descendant at all!

Take me to the hotel. I'm calling the police chief!

Believe me, heads will roll!

Keep quiet, peasant,

or you will die.

I want him in irons and shackles.

I agree! Gag him too!

what the hell?

Honey for my gullet!

It's chocolate, not honey!

10 Crunch Bars in 5 minutes! You'll be sick as a dog!

Crunch! Chocolate! Long live chocolate!

Let me steer!

Got a license?

Here, drive.

Careful, dummy, or we'll bite the dust!

You're zigzagging, buddy!

Keep cool, baby.

Cool!

You're a real ace!

My turn now.

Ace charioteer!

Learn to drive, asshole!

vile beggar! slug-eating rascal! Away with you!

You sound dumb! Kinda like a medieval knight!

what means "medieval"?

You don't know?

Culture-wise, you're a real dick!

what befalls?

Oh shit!

This shit heap guzzles gas!

shit heap!

we'll pawn your jewels and buy another.

No, I'll bury my jewels at Lady Beatrice's

and save them for my bastards.

Let's blow it all! That's what money's for!

Let's tan our toes in saint Tropez!

No, we'll return to our Good Mistress. we'll toil away for her.

In turn, she will pay and protect us.

Lady Beatrice is mean. she's a bimbo.

A bimbo? Yes, yes...

Yeah, a bimbo!

Let's go see Lady Beatrice the Bimbo.

Jean-Pierre, you're exhausting me!

I expected more from you than stupid skepticism.

I'm not the only skeptical one, right doctor?

Godefroy, Mr. Kass and Dame Ginette are from the Middle Ages.

I know you can be thick,

but think in terms of the Tv show "The X-Files",

which you hate and the kids love.

Sir, Madame de Montmirail is calling you back.

You told Mummy?

No, it's Cora. Hubert's wife.

I told her he's back!

That was a big mistake.

Cora? Jean-Pierre here.

How dumb! Hang up!

Your husband has turned up. Here.

How irresponsible!

I kept quiet when I thought Godefroy was Hubert

because even before he went to Borneo, he hated her.

She's your problem now.

Relax! You're tired.

Take your drops and I'll have Pizza Hut deliver.

A trumpet?

why work for these asses?

Hi, Mr. Goulard.

what now?

Sustenance and shelter!

Let us toil for Lady Beatrice the Bimbo

for food and lodging.

- what? - I won't bust my buns!

Beatrice is sick.

That asshole hurt you!

Jean-Pierre, you're awful!

Jacques Kass is a friend and you kick him out!

Come in, Mr. Kass.

Not with their rubbish!

Off'rings for my mistress, Beatrice the Bimbo.

what?

"Off'rings" is the word from back then.

It means "gifts". A thousand thanks, dear servant.

Enter with your damsel.

He called you a bimbo.

For them the meaning is different.

Not for me!

Bring your goodly victuals into the kitchen.

Hastily, Lady Beatrice the Bimbo!

She loves this bimbo stuff. Help us.

what a nice surprise!

You forgot?

Not at all. Go in. I'll join you.

Beatrice! I'm repairing a bridge. Call me if the Kasses

make any trouble.

Gentle servant, we have a grave problem.

Mr. Jacquart went back to your times.

- Understand? - Yes!

we can't leave him there.

Yes!

Let's solve this now.

Too new a word. solveth?

You understand? Let's solveth this.

'Tis an honor for him to serve

as sire Godefroy's squire.

Mr. Kass, Jacquart cannot

be a squire. He's too...

sophisticated. He'll hate the climate.

Go home and send him back.

Have you any potion left?

No more of that vile potion! Never again!

Don't spit on my floor! It took hours to get that shine!

Is Ginette medieval too?

That's what I thought.

Dame Ginette...

would you and Mr. Kass be so goodly

as to set the goodly table for my goodly family

so that we may break bread?

I must see someone

who'll send you back you-know-where.

- where? - To the land of castles

and valiant knights.

Are you feeling well, Mrs. Goulard?

You'll both eat at the table, not on the floor.

we're not dogs.

I'm tolerant. My husband's a commoner but I don't mind.

Thanks a ton!

So setteth the table.

Yeah, I get it. I'm the new slave.

Get lost!

- The peasant! - Go!

what a pain!

A new gardener?

My wife decided to help a hobo and his wife.

we all should.

If you want ours, be my guest!

sorry, it's just the gum. I can't see a thing.

Here, put this on it.

My cigars in the sink!

Did you touch these?

I see...

I have an urgent errand to run.

where?

I have to send Mr. Kass

and Dame Ginette back.

They'll be home alone?

I'll put them in front of the Tv.

It blew!

what's this mess? why did you touch the fridge?

Bea!

Kass is breaking bottles in the kitchen!

Come here.

Everything here is too unusual for you.

- Unusual? - It's all so new to you.

Bitch.

Excuse me... Back to work.

You two will be good and sit on this bench

which we call a "sofa".

surprise time!

Like minstrels?

Hark! Hark! Here they come!

Great, isn't it? Now get Mr. Kass

and show him the "minstrel box"!

Yeah, right. The minstrel box.

Old bat!

Daddy-o! Bimbo-bo left.

It's cocktail time! see if they have

cable TV.

Go look. step on it!

Devilry!

Don't move, ma'am. This is the hard part.

what the hell did they do? I knew it!

The needle's in your palate.

I'll take it right out.

Devilry!

what's wrong, Daddy-o?

God Almighty!

what on earth happened?

what happened? what did you do? The Tv imploded!

I'm deaf! I'm deaf!

It exploded in his face!

stop moving. Let me look.

I'm deaf!

His ear is full of wax!

My poor Daddy-o! Call a doctor!

I am a doctor!

I'm deaf! stone-deaf!

Try to yawn. Yawn!

Nice going, Daddy-o! Nice going!

I can hear! I can hear!

The Devil box burst into flames!

Shitty TV! was it secondhand?

shut up!

what's that smell? something's burning!

The sofas!

water, fast!

water! water!

The Fire Department!

water! water! Here comes water!

Dr. Eusebe - Medium

That hurts! The professor gave my ancestor

a time-traveling potion.

He's sick.

Let her in, Mariette!

sorry to bother you,

but I need a drop of the potion

you gave Godefroy, my ancestor?

He left his servant and his wife here

and took off with Jacquart.

Get it?

Everyone must get back into place.

Goodness gracious! Books of magic!

I'll need strength to concoct the potion.

It requires concentration.

Mariette will deliver it at dawn.

Never mention what you've seen.

No one wants to believe these things,

and the uninitiated pay for it dearly.

There are rats!

Help! Rats!

Rats!

Here's your slop, satan child!

Eat up, because tomorrow, you'll be on the rack!

It's you! Don't you recognize me?

Aren't you Jacques Kass?

You know my brother?

That toad! I'm Prosper the Manure Man.

- The what? - I collect manure.

That's what I smell!

we're family. You can't abandon me!

I have a gorgeous 18-carat gold watch.

If you let me out, it's yours!

It's chic!

Thief! Come back here!

- Piglet! - I'm sorry!

Don't go, cousin!

we found sergeant Gibbon squeezed into a cage,

half-dressed,

drugged with a massive dose of Dragonal.

I'm investigating the assault.

when can I interrogate Gibbon?

He's safe, but full of anti-depressants.

He'll be on cloud nine for weeks.

Unfortunate.

I hear he jotted things down in a notebook.

Bingo.

Unusual.

Is it a prescription drug?

Dragonal? small doses are calming.

Large doses plus alcohol make it an antidysleptic.

Lots of kids stuff themselves with it

at rave parties. They all look like him.

Rave parties, peptic antidepressants...

Psychodysleptic.

Yeah, psycho.

Thanks, but keep clear.

Leave it to us, okay?

Am I speaking Chinese? Get lost!

Ignoramus!

Gilbert! Rene!

The needle broke and I can't get it out.

Excuse me. It may be my wife.

Cora, we got cut off before.

Bad timing. The Tv imploded.

Hubert's fine.

Just amnesiac. I'll let his friend explain.

Mr. Kass! Mr. Kass!

Come here!

Gilbert!

Cousin Hube's wife.

Here he is.

Hello, sir. Are you Montmirail's friend?

Me? I'm Jacquasse!

Is this amnesia stuff for the birds?

what is it?

The birds? Bird chasing!

Must you whistle?

why did that bastard disappear from my life

for 15 years?

You're embarrassed!

The minstrel box is in flames! It is devilry!

what? who is this idiot!

- where is Montmirail? - In his fortress.

Celebrating his marriage!

He's remarrying? Perfect.

Tell him to expect some legal trouble, okay?

This guy's an ass.

Can I speak to Hubert?

Are you Hubert's friend?

Do you know him?

The idiot doesn't even know Hubert.

He hung up on me!

Philippine, your father's alive.

He is?

Look. I was five when he disappeared.

Gilbert, let her rip!

Gilbert! Let her rip!

- what happened? - A fire due to a Tv that imploded.

Hilda, are the kids okay?

we just got here.

Is the man who insists on helping a relative?

Mr. Kass? Yes, he's... kin.

Tell him to stop. He may get hurt. He'll ruin our equipment.

Dame Ginette, please tell

your goodly companion not to help the...

The helmeted foot soldiers can manage alone.

say what?

They don't need him. where is Jean-Pierre?

what a shitty day!

All done. what a day!

we don't need a second hose!

It unwinds!

Rinse!

They're flooding the house! what happened?

Kass threw vodka on the fire!

Turn it off! It's wet enough.

All my carpets are floating!

we did what we had to. You can sleep safe and sound.

Do I have to wait much longer?

Cut off the water!

Cut!

A mop!

The water's cut off, chief!

what asshole turned it on?

Shit heap!

Excuse me?

Hands off.

Dumb ass!

The bum broke the siren!

This joke is in bad taste!

I'm sorry, ma'am. I forgot about you.

Your hobo hosed me down!

I'll ruin your reputation!

Swine!

I paid to get my mouth destroyed!

I won't forget this!

Kass! why did you soak his patient?

You and your Dame must go back home.

what the hell is going on?

You're a butcher, not a dentist!

You okay?

No more ice.

That's risky, Daddy-o!

They're safer in Hot Mama's little bag.

The Duke lost his jewels?

Heal him or I shan't marry.

Take the man on the stake

back to his time, or the seven plagues of Egypt

will strike your lands.

Icy winds sweep through the open Corridors of Time.

I'll prepare the potion.

Make haste before Jacquasse's descendant

denounces us all to the Inquisitor.

The Inquisitor? Here?

I will pack my bags and leave at once!

First fix the plagues!

what is it?

It's for me. The old biddy.

Half a glass for each.

Here's the spell.

It stinks! They'll never drink this!

You can't taste it in cocoa.

And it doesn't alter the potion.

A drop of magic potion...

Rise and shine! Breakfast time!

Her again.

Hot cocoa! Have you ever had chocolate?

Hot, hot, hot, hot cocoa!

Chocolate! Crunch! Crunch!

You know Crunch Bars? This is Nesquik!

Slowly, don't choke!

I'm off!

Happy golfing! see you tonight!

Begone, peasant!

I'll handle them.

Hot cocoa! what a good idea. we never have it.

Cocoa is new to you.

The conquistadores brought it back

from Mejico ages ago.

It was the rage!

People adore it! As Jean-Pierre says:

"Try new things or you'll end up a dum-dum!"

No way, bimbo-bo! screw your Mexican snobs!

I won't puke for you.

Give me her nectar!

stop, it's not for you!

It's your turn!

Get off my back! stop hounding me!

I'm not Bimbo-bo's slave!

I'll get gas and hock the jewels.

Then it's party time!

First drink your cocoa!

My jewels!

- I'll cut her throat! - Stay here!

why are you screaming?

Per horus et per ra

per solem invictus du chere

Jean-Pierre! It works!

That proves it!

what are all these golf balls?

Dame Ginette... she's no piece of cake.

Hark! Hark! Goodly Dame Ginette!

Hear ye!

Can thou manage in this hostile world?

- You bet. - vaunt thee not!

I'm off to Bourges.

That's 500, not 50.

she talks weird. Is she a foreigner?

Pure French with a stick up her ass.

Dame Ginette!

You're blocking the corridors!

Lend me an ear!

I'll stick like glue till you try my cocoa.

Okay, Glue Girl. You can help me. Carry these.

I got a bad back. we'll talk cocoa later.

You're on!

very heavy...

Dame Ginette!

what's all this gas for?

You know about combustion?

shut up and walk!

You're a fast learner! Good for you!

Do you really think you can live without Mr. Kass?

Mrs. Goulard, I'm an emancipated woman.

I'm no guy's slave.

Me neither. I say "Halt!" when my hubby gets macho.

what am I doing here?

Help!

sire Goulard!

Mr. Kass! what's going on here?

Black magic! we're in wolfen times!

what times?

You took my gold letter-opener?

what are you doing?

Idiot! You busted my coccyx!

Hush!

I smell horses! Hide thyself!

stop playing cowboys and Indians! Answer me!

- who's that? - The Thug!

The Duke of Luigny! Burgundy scum!

what's that fortress over there?

It's Montmirail's.

- what year is this? - Follow me!

The Thug attacks!

I'm in slippers!

where are we, Mr. Kass?

I don't like this!

Jacquasse is back!

Be gentle, Boniface.

The Thug attacks!

I take this village in ransom!

what is this place?

My task is terrible, but to free you of Evil

it must be done.

what are you going to do?

The funnel!

what's that thing?

Postpone this. The alarm sounds.

I must aid my serfs.

Do your duty and I'll do mine.

water!

we will make him confess.

we'll have proof

to hang this sinner by his guts! The trial by water

will merely loosen him up.

should ever you slay him,

I'll slay you.

He's after me, Mr. Kass!

I want 9 holes of golf, not a Holy war!

The Thug!

Flee!

Let's pillage!

wait for me!

I'm clad like a fancy merchant!

Help! Jacquasse is back!

Help! Help!

why did I marry you, wench?

- who are you? - Relax!

wait for me, Mr. Kass!

Holy scrotums!

we've caught Montmirail's squire!

Long live Burgundy!

we'll drown him in a sack!

Toil, never recoil!

Prepare to die, Montmirail.

Your land will be mine.

Kneel before the Duke of Burgundy!

Never. My master is the King of France!

Jacquasse!

sire Ganelon!

I'll be back!

Confess beforehand!

Thank you, Master!

Bless you and your kin!

The Crass! You're here?

You didn't send your descendant in your place?

He is in my dungeon, with the Inquisitor.

My descendant? with the Inquisitor?

A rascal stole the Duke's jewels and the sacred tooth.

If I marry not, I will have no heirs.

who can it be?

searcheth me!

I charge you to find the evil-doer.

I'll have him skinned alive.

Alive?

we will be merciless!

Sire, do not leave me alone!

Run, Crass!

Yes, sire!

You've forgotten how to trot!

You're soft!

Like a pup!

- Lady-love! - My beloved!

Father is gravely ill.

where is the tooth?

The Crass inquires.

I do, your Ladyship.

I'll go pray.

sire!

The wretch is confessing to vile sins!

Disarm him!

I arrest you! He has divulged your devilish pact!

He burnt... the Range... Rover.

I accuse you of burning a man named

Range, Robert.

Brother, who is Robert Range?

we'll soon find out. water!

My descendant is choking!

silence! Don't interfere! Brand his tongue!

Down with the Inquisitor!

Heretics! Castle of heathens!

Devil worshipers! You'll all burn!

I'll destroy the lot of you!

Lower the portcullis.

I owe you my life.

My duty is to protect you.

My descendant! His gutlets are swollen!

stop playing with him. Change your attire.

That suits you not.

sire! Eusabius has arrived.

Jacquasse!

why must I carry your descendant alone?

I was greeting my long-lost brother.

what is his problem? The doorway is too small!

sire! He pisseth!

This is unending!

whence this to-do?

It is drafty here. You'll catcheth cold.

'Tis icy for August!

I have to piss!

He must pisseth!

He pisseth on my shoes!

Give me that.

- Drink this! - I'm full.

Drink, I say!

say the spell, before he vomits!

My descendant! He is but a pile of dung!

Emeralds on your fat fingers?

A present from a secret admirer!

Lies! You stole from the Duke!

He was dead!

- I want them! - Dame Ginette robbed me!

Dame Ginette? You mean... There?

I see! The Duke is being sucked from within.

His jewels pull him into the Corridors.

His jewels cannot stay there

if he is here.

I'll slay you, damned slug!

You owe me your life!

Calamitas! Give me the potion!

we'll find Dame Ginette and bring back the sacred tooth.

Or I'll have no heirs!

Not the potion! It twists my guts!

Drink!

I hope to see you soon, safe and sound.

That potion is dangerous.

Drinking it takes courage.

Much courage.

For our return.

I'm scared!

They're gone.

If they don't come back, I'll bury you

in the deepest dungeons.

I'm impressed! You're an ace at the wheel!

And no license!

If you had one, I'd be floored.

- where now? - Bourges.

Tell me...

what is your house like? A hut with mud walls?

No, we make bricks with our own shit.

Gracious me!

It's a great day for Jean-Pierre to play golf.

Tell my beloved we'll be at my cousin's castle.

'Tis Father's wish.

Bea! Bea!

who's this ruffian?

Another madman!

where are you going now?

To find a classy pawnbroker.

I have some hot rocks. see you at the bar.

I'll wait in this pub.

A glass of water and an empty glass.

Dame Ginette! Come drink your cocoa!

Naughty girl!

Holy scrotums!

- we're walled in! - God punished us for drinking!

silence, slug!

Any sign of them?

- Calling Clovis. - Clovis, here.

No Jacquart here. we'll dredge the pond.

- we're walled in! - Quiet, serf.

Eusabius had warned us!

Doddering clod!

we'll ram with this beam!

It's hefty!

Let's assume he wasn't kidnapped.

Did Mr. Jacquart ever go away unannounced?

sometimes he'd leave for a few days.

His little outings.

Outings? what did his outings consist of?

Biking, golf, windsurfing. Boy's stuff.

Gourmet meals...

with lots of wine. Did he have a drinking problem?

Juglets! Juglets of wine!

Come, boozehound!

To King Louis the Fat!

Long Live the Fat!

Come!

Mr. Jacquart is a wine connoisseur, that's all.

Here's to you, bumpkins!

who's the hobo?

Jacquart's brother.

He's the wino type.

They don't come running for our bags!

Anyone here?

The gypsies are back!

Don't move! what did you do with Jacquart?

silence and I'll slay thee not.

Chocolate! Crunch! Godefroy!

- Come, fool. - At once, sire!

Put back my mousse!

Thank you, good man!

Thank you, kind lady!

His hair is aIways picture-perfect!

Toil, never recoil!

what's happening?

strike not, sire! It is the minstrel box!

Hold this mousse, bawd!

And eat it not!

Give me that, wench!

Check how many stars they have.

- why? - They threw out a Tv.

Maybe it's broken.

Gisele... the guide book!

The chimney sweep yelled at me!

Here are the porters.

Look at their clothes. Not very fresh.

You're so critical.

There are more bags in the trunk.

Good man, take us in your chariot!

- Now! - I say!

- I'll complain! - Obey or die!

Be still, strumpet!

I can't breathe! This skunk is killing me!

shut up!

where does Ginette live?

He travels too hastily. I shall vomit phlegm.

sire Godefroy must phlegmeth!

- what? - Phlegm!

stop!

stop the chariot! He must phlegmeth!

Get off me!

Don't work them up!

You must drink vinegar.

start the car while they're out there!

stop screaming, numbskull!

You're stressing me!

I can steer a chariot! Dame Ginette taught me!

I'll drive less hastily!

Let me die alone!

Hurry!

we're stuck.

You stalled!

You try!

- Here we go. - Backwards!

Drive, godammit!

Hold your horses!

The chariot!

Drive! The lunatics are coming!

Faster! Get him off!

I can't!

You're hopeless! It's unbelievable!

Quiet!

Not bad.

- You shook him off! My hero! - That's enough!

Hosanna, sire!

Bravo, sire! Just like in the good old days!

so Hube de Montmirail abducted Mr. Jacquart?

I bet he strangled him with a chain!

Don't get carried away.

what century is this?

The boss!

where were you?

Force-fed putrid water!

Tortured by a mad monk!

I was in the Middle Ages!

Arrest Montmirail. He drugged me and sent me to wolfen times.

Like sergeant Gibbon?

Pee-pee!

why is he in the broom closet?

Relieving himself.

- what's downstairs? - The wine cellar.

The wine cellar. It figures.

To the left!

Drive, since you can!

At once, sire!

Nothing, not even a noise!

I am pressing the pedalette, as did Dame Ginette!

what are all these pedalettes?

Alight, knave! You are no charioteer!

Hosanna!

Hold the reigns tight!

The van!

I am a master charioteer!

All is under control. Take comfort.

we're going backwards!

Indeed, sire! But I am not to blame!

It's bolting! It's bolting!

It's the Moor, sire!

The psychos!

The psychos are back!

with this garb, we can go unnoticed.

wily ruse!

No one has remarked us yet.

The ruse works!

Officers! Officers!

Officers!

Damned bawd!

silence. Yes, woman?

My son won't do his work.

He just watches Tv. so I said:

"Do your work or I'll call the cops. "

Can you scare him a bit?

Follow me.

Eddy, the police came for you.

Go on. scare him a little.

work, little man!

Cursed minstrel box!

The neighbor's throwing Tvs now!

Here he is!

I'm innocent! I'm Beatrice's husband!

Drink this potion!

what potion?

My God! They're back!

- Godefroy, why are you here? - Let's find Dame Ginette!

The jewel thief! we'll cut off her hand!

The jewels of my future father-in-law.

what are you wearing? where did you steal those?

- we found them. - In a chariot.

If they find you, we'll be in a crunch!

Chocolate! Crunch! Crunch!

we must find Dame Ginette.

she slipped away at Bourges.

To Bourges!

Off with her hand at Bourges!

she vanished. Flew the coop!

vanish'd?

vanish'd! Calamitas!

'Tis tragedy, my child.

Only the Relic can close the Corridors of Time.

If the Duke dies, I will not marry.

I will have no heirs.

Ultra urgent! we have to hurry.

- Or 7 plagues will strike! - 7 plagues? Nasty!

Anyone home?

- A marshal! - Death to him!

Take off your jackets!

Give me that knife. You better not touch the policeman!

But he'll arrest us!

Take these stripes off.

Get moving!

Godefroy, remember you're cousin Hube.

Be on your best behavior.

Anyone home?

Hello, Colonel.

Captain.

Captain Batardet, I'm looking

for Hubert de Montmirail.

You're in luck. Hube came for tea...

with his mechanic.

Gentlemen...

Hube is a rally driver.

Not recommended for obeying speed limits.

since a near-fatal accident,

they only wear blue and white.

Fair enough.

You had a fire?

The Tv exploded. All of a sudden.

something smells really vile.

The fire.

More like... dirty feet.

Minstrel box caused great fire.

Don't you know "The Minstrel Box"?

A new Tv show of golden oldies?

very nostalgic.

I stick to the weather and traffic reports.

Mr. Jacquart claims

you drugged him and put him in a cage...

Phlegm trouble.

You know Mr. Jacquart, his brother.

The Manure Man!

A brother other than Jacquart?

He's a little Crass!

He is swine, good only for pissing.

You're exaggerating.

water torture makes him piss!

sorry to say so, but he pisses anywhere.

so you agree that his brother is a wino.

They agree.

Let us go find Dame Ginette.

- And cut her hand off! - Cut whose hand off?

she's a friend with leprosy.

she caught it in Borneo.

we're gradually cutting off her arm. It's ghastly.

God knows where it will end.

Incurable diseases are awful.

I'm sorry.

My husband!

I'm going to bed. I'm dead.

where were you? You didn't play golf? what happened?

I fell asleep.

In the woods. I had a terrible nightmare.

I'm going back to bed.

At noon? To bed?

He's back!

He was at Petronille's! Chesty Petronille!

why sleep outside?

- who's Petronille? - No idea!

stop by the precinct this week

if you wish to refute

his brother's allegations.

He's full of manure!

Things aren't kissy-kissy in the family.

Goodbye, ma'am. And call a plumber.

A pipe probably burst in the fire. It smells like a sewer in here.

I'll see you out.

what happened?

It's nothing. The lighter exploded.

The lighter?

Incredible!

Mr. Kass, tell me...

This may sound stupid

but were we together in a wet forest with wolves?

wolfens! wolfens!

wolves, idiot! Forget it.

Thanks anyway.

- Do we have a lighter? - Yes, sir.

watch out. They can rip your face off.

Beatrice! I finally found this shack of yours.

Is Hubert here?

I'll just open the gate.

Come, child! In the chariot!

we're in a pickle! It's Cora,

Hubert's wife. Hide!

No, Hubert!

You've hidden for 10 years. Not this time!

That's Dad?

Yes. He's changed. I barely recognize you.

You've gotten old.

Life hasn't spared thee. You are unrecognizable.

As rude as usual. Now I know it's you.

Cut the trollop's tongue!

- what? - silence!

Dad!

You won't kiss her?

A girl-child! Beautiful bastard!

Hube has amnesia. You have to be patient.

This is Philippine.

The daughter you had with Cora.

she's your wife.

Belle Lippine, you fill my heart with joy.

My heirs are as pure as morning dew.

I've waited so long.

You were in Borneo?

Get the bastard to a nunnery!

what is he talking about?

Did we speak yesterday?

Yes, it's him.

same old top-class friends.

Do you care about Philippine?

will you come to her wedding?

Out of the question.

My destiny awaits. I leave you, heavy-hearted.

Oh misery!

Poor whore-child!

Please, papa!

You overwhelm me, chaste wench, but I must be firm.

My body must go, but my soul stays with you.

It's sad, but that's that.

Come on. Your father's a pig.

- I could cry. - Me too. Boo-hoo...

why does he sound like an old book?

He's seeking his roots.

who's the other ass?

No idea, but they're inseparable.

Frightful!

The chariot!

It's the Flood! The Flood!

what have you done to the car?

It's only water! we are men! Get in!

what did they do now?

It's the firemen! It's full of water!

The motor must be kaput.

we must find the sacred tooth.

How strange!

It's like a big fat cow's tooth.

why set a tooth in precious stones?

since we found these gems

in someone's cookie jar,

we'll go 50-50 with you, if the price is right.

I see.

I've put your call through.

Mrs. de Montmirail?

- speaking. - Hello.

I'm a pawnbroker in Bourges. In my office

is a vulgar woman with jewels

stolen from your husband.

Please wait here while I examine these

under a microscope.

Don't go far!

My husband's car got soaked.

I need spark plugs and plaid seat covers.

A mighty chariot!

where are you from? Portugal?

what's that?

- You want a swig? - why not?

Local wine?

It's for warriors!

Have more!

And a battery.

Up!

Down!

Mr. Kass!

Help me with the battery.

12 volts. Gosh, it's heavy!

How much?

Paulo! Careful with the tools!

Damned workers!

They break everything.

Finding good help is such a chore!

Mr. Kass! That is not a toy!

what's this racket?

Don't make me come out!

Here.

There we go!

2,623. Let's just say 2,620.

That's swell of you.

Paulo, what did you do?

That's called a garage. Did you enjoy it?

we drank!

Paulo is a hearty companion!

You made friends?

Good for you.

It's her.

I'm stunned. Hube aIways liked trash,

but she's an insult to me.

- Don't you agree? - Yes...

Recognize these?

Yes. Hubert must have given them to her.

Please don't tell my daughter. she worships her father.

My lawyer will repay you for your kindness.

I wasn't asking.

I'm sure you weren't.

I'm getting cramps, gramps.

Get out!

watch your mouth, fatso!

Mrs. de Montmirail kindly did not call the police.

But I will!

Give me my rocks or I'll kick your balls off!

Mrs. de Montmirail?

- Is your cousin here? - Yes. why?

Charges have been pressed against you.

Follow me. Your mechanic too.

- Me? - No, he's the mechanic.

They're charged with locking

sergeant Gibbon in a cage.

Little Crass is back!

Little Crass! Little Crass!

I'm glad he's back too, but don't overdo it!

Kiss your brother so we can begin.

I don't kiss swine. Question him, the gang leader.

I decide who I question.

- Do you know sergeant Gibbon? - Indeed.

He claims you locked him up and beat him.

violently.

And made him swallow a huge amount of psycho...

Psychodysleptics.

- Result: fainting, delirium, vomiting... - Diarrhea.

Dehydration. Right, Gibbon?

Right. Right and right again!

He's an officer of the law.

so answer carefully.

This villain entered my room without my permission.

Gibbon searched your room without a warrant?

Get serious!

If this is how you investigate, I'll call my good friend,

the police chief.

I love thee, baby Crass!

Be nice, Mr. Ass. Oops... sorry.

Keep your cool.

I asked Gibbon to search his room.

I suspected that he and that noxious gnome

were medieval!

He's my boy! I saved him!

Look!

Is that normal? No, he's from the Dark Ages!

Cool it, Kass. I'm coming unglued.

And Muscle Man here made me drink a potion

and I woke up in the year 1000!

stinky dwarves stole my gold watch!

I was covered with tar and burnt at the stake!

And then,

a sicko priest tortured me with putrid water.

My bladder's still swollen and I pee all over.

I noticed.

Captain! I understand!

Jacquart gave me the answer

to all my questions!

- The Middle Ages! - Obviously!

It's obvious. Only a retard

couldn't figure it out!

They're stinking rats from the Middle Ages!

Body odor is no proof they're medieval.

smell our fellow officers.

It's the only way it makes sense!

"Toil, never recoil!"

The Montmirail treasure.

It all makes sense now. villains!

You're all villains!

I understand! It's all so clear!

That's enough. spare us your circus act.

I was burnt at the stake. My toe is red.

Am I making this up?

Compare my two big toes!

Look! so?

sedate him.

You're all villains...

Defrocked monk habits! Another invention?

Do I wear this on the town?

Inquisition garb!

They reek of wine and cheese.

He'll sleep for 24 hours.

Enough for a horse.

I don't want to sleep!

I'm sorry things got out of hand, sir.

we'll meet on Monday.

Hopefully they'll talk more sense.

You are a goodly man.

I promise not to seek revenge on them.

That's really smart of you.

God keep you.

Little Crass is ill. Give him vinegar!

It's obvious!

vinegar is not the solution!

was your father a wino too?

My club-footed father died frozen in a swamp

on his way to the tavern!

You must be the family's pride and joy.

Your husband's on the phone.

what's wrong? More trouble?

The bum just came back.

- Dame Ginette? - Yeah, her.

what luck!

she got beaten up by two women.

They're in pretty bad shape too!

I'm coming.

Off with her hand!

stop it.

we don't cut people here.

- Not the hands of thieves? - Nothing.

They keep thieving.

It's hard to explain. I'm out of breath.

There you are!

I haven't the time.

Your Portuguese gardener pushed the button.

My Portuguese gardener?

see?

I see. I'll speak to my husband

and I'll call you.

Call fast! I have to pay for a new van!

Not while I'm working!

They stole your gems!

what are these for?

It's their inquisition. Jean-Pierre's the torturer!

- Come! - Robberess!

You're staying?

- Get to work, torturer. - what?

Torturer! sadist!

I gave you a shot. she got in a fight.

Two fat pigs beat me up!

My jewels, bandit lady!

Or off with your hand!

sit down! settle this after!

Open your mouth!

I'll make you a nice tin tooth.

No way! It'll be ugly!

Can you afford better?

Close your mouth.

stop play-acting.

Rinse!

You hurt me!

A wee fountain!

Go away!

I'm no glamour girl.

The garage owner wants a new van.

Get out! Torture is not for women's eyes!

These nuts are driving me crazy!

we need the gems, goodly Ginette.

Hube's chick stole them.

Chick?

"Chick" means woman. Hube's chick is his wife.

- Cora. - Let's go to Chick Cora.

They must be loaded!

The chick must bleed!

It's her fault I lost a tooth.

No one must bleed. we'll use tact.

If you want your relic back,

you're Hube now.

I hate to lie, but if I must, I can.

Open up!

Relax, Mr. Kass.

what's this racket?

Hubert, why are you here?

I told everyone you were busy overseas.

- who's this rabble? - who pays for my tooth?

Later.

This fair Chick is mine. seeing you soothes my eyes.

You are morning dew.

For my gems, sweet kisses will be thine.

I get it now.

Your jewels are with my lawyer.

Fetch them!

why bother him at night?

To make this slut happy?

Me, a slut? speak for yourself, floozy!

The jewelry or we chop off your hand! Floozy!

Cora, what's keeping you?

I decanted the wine. It's divine!

- Luigny! - The Duke of Burgundy! Die!

- You're crazy! - Crazy!

Be calm. He is only Thug's heir.

He almost killed him!

Excuse him. He is uncouth. He got scared.

You stormed in so violently!

It was like an attack.

I'm the one who attacked?

In a way.

Daddy, you're here! Everyone wants to meet you.

Tact sucks! Tacky's better. Let's just ask for tooth money!

No! we'll wait, Mrs. Kass.

My in-laws are dying to meet you.

The Lumeau-Pericards, my father.

He's head of the school Board,

and a famous expert in history.

That's just... "her-story".

Beatrice de Montmirail.

- My pleasure. - Good evening!

Evenin'!

Mr. and Mrs...

Kass. Hube's help.

They won't be dining.

Holy scrotums! No reveling?

That dickwad is named Kass. I'm Ginette sarclay.

Mrs. Dickwad...

Unpaid help, I might add!

My fiance, Benoit.

It's an honor, sir.

virgin boy, be vigorous!

On your wedding night

use your skills on your beloved

to give us a male heir.

How original!

Long live the young lovers!

Hube's very big on toasts.

Rich beverage!

Chick, why is Thug on Montmirail land?

whatever you heard is surely exaggerated.

Don't justify yourself! I beg your pardon.

- He acted fast! - Philippine!

shut your mouth!

That does it! Now you die!

Burgundy swine!

Kass, drop that penknife!

Please, Daddy! Enough!

Mercy, please! Have pity!

Thou art lucky.

I'm dreadfully sorry.

Hubert, leave this house at once.

You'll have your jewels tomorrow morning.

That will be that between us.

'Tis all I ask.

Horse shit!

I obviously won't ask you to dine with us.

And lastly: your friends are an ugly lot.

Bye, folks.

It was a pleasure.

Farewell, good ladies and fair damsel.

very original.

They were snippy.

we lacked tact, clobbering the Duke de Luigny.

- He's a thief. - A shit-eating slug!

Mind your manners, Mr. Kass.

I could eat a horse!

A pit stop at Pizza Hut! I'm starving.

Leg or breast, Kass?

Leg!

Dame Ginette, white or dark?

whatever.

The rich at the table,

poor on the floor.

silence, wench.

Keep it down. Have some fries.

Fries!

You gross me out!

Fries!

I want to eat on the floor!

You're a Montmirail, not a serf.

- Never forget it. - Yes, sir.

- He's also a Goulard. - Don't nit-pick.

- we deserve our share! - Cursed jewelry!

It is not mine. Jacquasse will get rubies

if he returns with me tomorrow.

I won't go! I'll flee!

Don't be an idiot! You don't like rubies?

would you go?

Good idea! You'll all go

tomorrow and life will return to normal.

Good riddance!

Madame is expecting you.

I'll wait here.

what an outfit!

Hurry, woman.

They're all there. Check.

The sacred Tooth.

sweet Cora...

spare me your hypocrisy.

I'm not thrilled to have you for the wedding

but Philippine would love it.

I hate thee not, Corrosive Cora.

Nor do I hate thee, Hubert.

- Get the tooth? - Indeed!

we'll go home, make hot cocoa and... it's travel time!

The Corridors must shut at once.

Daddy!

- wait at the chariot! - No time!

wait in silence!

I see. If that's how you want it...

- You get the goods? - wait in silence!

You're not staying?

My heart is in tears, but I cannot remain.

Today, of all days.

You're here, so stay.

I am not your father. I must embark on a great journey home.

who are you, if not my father?

You look like him.

I am an ancestor, but I feel for you like a father.

It hurt so much to be fatherless.

Take his place today. For me.

You know not what you ask.

when I saw you,

I was so moved. so proud to introduce you to them.

Don't steal my happiness.

say you love me and you'll stay, whoever you are.

Lord, what will then happen

to my father-in-law?

Please say yes.

Please.

I love you my great, great, great grandchild.

I'll lead you to the altar. I swear on my sword.

- I'm proud to be your kin. - Me too.

- They take tradition seriously. - Are those family arms?

why must she wear that?

He said he'll take it back.

It smells like cheese in here.

Feet.

Dirty feet, honey.

where is The Crass? we must go!

I'll make cocoa.

Child! Those things are done, but never spoken!

It's a secret.

Keep a look-out, Daddy-o!

Beauteous finery!

what's that? It'll give us away!

such choice fabric! with gold!

You got the servant bug up your ass!

Have you any powdered cocoa?

I need something or it tastes like glue.

The Kasses will never swallow it.

Do you mind if I have a look?

I'm Bea, Cora's cousin.

I'll be in Bimbo-bo's car. Get the keys!

Provender!

Lush fish!

- Forgive me, sire! - It's nothing.

I know you. Jacquart's brother! How are you?

Finely, Marshal! Finely!

Parking cars for the reception?

Thank you, good sire!

Poor guy.

Oddly enough, it's a magic potion.

You couldn't understand.

Chicklet, have you seen my squire?

No, Hubert.

The villain is hiding!

Can I wash my hands?

Here I am!

what's that?

A savory fish, fresh and toothsome!

we can't eat it off the car!

Did you get the bitch's keys?

Go back, dummy! Make up a lie

to get the keys. Meanwhile, I'll guard the silver.

- The key! - Yeah!

More bass.

Crank up the reverb. Damned reverb...

Take five.

Coffee break. Then we sing our lungs out.

Let's go, girls.

Down with Burgundy!

And we'll rip off his stalk

as we did the Duke of York,

amid his shrieks and howls.

we strung him up! with his bowels!

what's that?

The band is tuning up.

some wise-ass is using our equipment.

- How indiscreet! - It's trendy.

Jacquasse!

Louis the Fat!

Godefroy!

wise guy, drop the mike! It's for pros and it's expensive.

Aye, troubadour. Gladden us with dulcet melodies.

He's sick! 4000 francs!

Mr. Kass!

Lady Beatrice! Dame Ginette wants you!

she wants... the key!

Yes, fine. In the meantime,

taste this yummy souplette.

It's chalky! It's tasteless! I'll spew my phlegm!

You're so picky.

Don't move. I'll be back.

I await... the key!

Of course. The key.

what's that noise?

- Not dancing? - with you, I'd be honored.

Me too, but... Excuse me.

Maybe later.

Lovely bride!

Leave the minstrels!

what's wrong?

It's going down!

I'm sorry. someone pushed me.

It's slipping down.

Grand Marnier! If it's good for crepes suzette,

it's good for them.

No deliveries here.

Do I look like a delivery boy? I own the Montmirail Hotel!

I came to see Captain Batardet. He's here.

Captain, at last. I was in the Middle Ages!

I have proof! I have proof!

- who's he? - Jacquart.

The mechanic's brother.

- Read this. - what is it?

A doctor's prescription. For scabies!

I have scabies! The worst case of it in years!

- It's contagious! - Terribly so.

I had to show you.

Glorious family!

show him out, Captain.

Avoid rubbing against the guests.

I'm no dermatologist.

where did I catch it?

Tell me where? In a damp dungeon!

In the Middle Ages!

I caught it from Prosper the Manure Man!

- who? - Prosper the Manure Man!

- You don't believe me? - I do!

I'm a cleanliness freak!

There's no scabies in my hotel!

Go home, take your medicine

and everything will be fine.

Arrest Montmirail!

Let go of me!

I think you're a phony cop!

Have you seen your hat?

Drink or die by my sword!

show pity, sire!

Your lot is to furbish my arms

and to fight for my glory!

Mine is a life of peril and labor!

I spend it in mud,

trampled by horses and crushed by arms.

I loved serving you. You are noble and brave,

but I'd rather be killed than go back.

stand back, or I'll cut my own throat!

so be it. I'll not have you die.

God forgive me for being weak. I am moved by your pleas.

You may stay.

sire!

Can you really mean it?

Pig droppings!

Here you are.

Taste this souplette. You'll love it, Mr. Kass.

It's nice and strong.

To you, Crass. Long life with Ginette!

To your glory, sire. And to your heirs!

You are a saintly man.

A spicy souplette, child.

A burly broth!

I really think I pulled it off.

wait for the spell. I'll get Ginette.

"Per Horus etc... "

I must go, Jacquasse,

before Philippine sees me.

Farewell, sire.

where's Jacquasse?

Hark! Dame Ginette!

Your friends loved my souplette.

Burly broth!

Drink it, then Godefroy can say the spell.

It's pure garlic! Make me puke!

I'll never drink it! The nerve of you!

Dame Ginette! Look what you've done!

Leave or I'll throw you out!

Hey, Jacquart!

she's medieval too!

It's Kass's wife!

Of course.

Ask for her papers!

Excuse me, ma'am.

Me?

show me your papers to calm him down.

I'm innocent!

Ginette sarclay. Call that medieval?

sorry, ma'am.

Can I go?

If she's from now,

where was I? where?

where was I?

You'll give me scabies, dirty wino!

Answer me!

I need to see the magician!

Dame Ginette threw away her potion.

she doesn't like Grand Marnier.

she used Grand Marnier?

- Grand Marnier? - Mistake?

This is a catastrophe.

sire! sire! wake up!

I'm here, sire.

I'm here! Calamitas!

we're still here. The magician

fouled up again.

Kill them!

what is this clamor?

who are those rascals?

My sword will calm them!

The cellar!

we can't hold them back for long!

You two! Take the trunks.

we'll find the Brunswick Army.

Hurry!

They're coming!

The door gave way!

The door gave way, sire!

what cursed age is this?

It's black magic!

who are these hordes?

Hey you!

Come join the Revolution!

Come, citizens!

He is an aristocrat!

A Crusader! His friend is English!

Hands up or I'll shoot!

You'll die!

Toil, never recoil!

Don't shoot those spies!

I'll question them, then the guillotine.

Come, Jacquouillet!

Hoche awaits my orders.

Yes, Bonaparte.

- who are they? - Bonaparte

and Jacquouillet, the prosecutor.

Peasants!

Jacquasse, be kindly to Jacquouillet.

Jacquouillet? He is a skunk!

He is your cousin!

My cousin?

Hail, cousin!

My cousin! Hail little Crass!