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That's Mom and Dad.
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Ladies and gentlemen,
Jim Gaffigan!
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Thank you!
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00:00:39,233 --> 00:00:41,704
Thank you so much.
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Thank you. Thank you.
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00:00:43,843 --> 00:00:45,411
Oh, my gosh, you make me feel
7
00:00:45,412 --> 00:00:48,852
only 20 pounds overweight.
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"Oh, look at his beard. He's..."
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He's got quite a beard.
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00:00:53,563 --> 00:00:57,670
"He looks like an out of shape
Civil War general."
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My dearest Peggy...
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it has been a fortnight
since I have had a salad.
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00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:07,556
I love my beard.
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00:01:07,557 --> 00:01:11,831
You grow a beard
and strangers are fascinated.
15
00:01:11,832 --> 00:01:13,200
I have strangers
coming up to me,
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00:01:13,201 --> 00:01:15,639
"Hey, why'd you grow
your beard out?"
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00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:18,511
"I joined Al-Qaeda."
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00:01:18,512 --> 00:01:21,383
"Don't even joke around
about that."
19
00:01:21,384 --> 00:01:24,189
But you can ask
about facial hair, right?
20
00:01:24,190 --> 00:01:25,959
You can't be like,
"Hey, how long you had"
21
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:28,765
the man boobs?
22
00:01:28,766 --> 00:01:31,036
"Are they natural?"
23
00:01:31,037 --> 00:01:33,942
Now you're looking
at my man boobs.
24
00:01:33,943 --> 00:01:36,581
To me they're beautiful.
25
00:01:36,582 --> 00:01:40,689
When do I get a Dove commercial?
26
00:01:40,690 --> 00:01:44,630
I'm talking about
the Dove ice cream bar
27
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which barely cleans your body
and is less racist.
28
00:01:52,514 --> 00:01:55,852
Thank you for coming out.
It is great to be here.
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00:01:55,853 --> 00:01:58,190
Thank you so much.
30
00:01:58,191 --> 00:02:00,763
It is...
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00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:05,572
It's been a crazy year for me.
Crazy year.
32
00:02:05,573 --> 00:02:07,613
I don't know if you know,
in April it was discovered
33
00:02:07,637 --> 00:02:10,414
my wife had a brain tumor.
I'm not even making this up.
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00:02:10,415 --> 00:02:12,018
It was removed. She's great.
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00:02:12,019 --> 00:02:15,826
Everything's good. Thank you.
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00:02:15,827 --> 00:02:19,299
I didn't remove it.
I was in the other room
37
00:02:19,300 --> 00:02:23,006
soiling myself, but...
the tumor is gone
38
00:02:23,007 --> 00:02:27,750
along with my ability
to ever win another argument.
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00:02:27,751 --> 00:02:30,321
It's not like I was winning
a lot before,
40
00:02:30,322 --> 00:02:33,494
but now I'm retired.
41
00:02:33,495 --> 00:02:35,832
And luckily my wife's
not the type to bring it up.
42
00:02:35,833 --> 00:02:37,703
Well, once she did.
She was like, "You know",
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00:02:37,704 --> 00:02:40,307
I did have brain surgery."
And I couldn't be like,
44
00:02:40,308 --> 00:02:43,213
"Yeah, that was like
a month ago."
45
00:02:43,214 --> 00:02:45,719
It's time to move on, you know?
46
00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:50,094
What about my
seasonal allergies?
47
00:02:50,095 --> 00:02:54,269
"We all have our cross to bear."
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00:02:54,270 --> 00:02:56,406
It was crazy.
49
00:02:56,407 --> 00:02:58,545
You know,
the surgeon told me the tumor
50
00:02:58,546 --> 00:03:01,450
was the size of a pear...
Which is scary,
51
00:03:01,451 --> 00:03:03,487
but also confusing.
52
00:03:03,488 --> 00:03:05,224
I was like,
"Did he go to med school
53
00:03:05,225 --> 00:03:08,130
or a farmer's market?"
54
00:03:08,131 --> 00:03:11,604
But tumors are often compared
to fruit.
55
00:03:11,605 --> 00:03:14,476
A pear, a lemon, a grapefruit.
56
00:03:14,477 --> 00:03:17,783
Interesting fact,
worst tumor, grapefruit.
57
00:03:17,784 --> 00:03:20,355
Worst fruit, grapefruit.
58
00:03:22,527 --> 00:03:24,930
When you think about it,
a grapefruit looks more
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00:03:24,931 --> 00:03:28,203
like a tumor than a fruit.
60
00:03:28,204 --> 00:03:30,207
I must feel sorry
for grapefruit.
61
00:03:30,208 --> 00:03:32,278
"Yeah, we can't win, you know?"
62
00:03:32,279 --> 00:03:33,815
We're already the worst fruit,
63
00:03:33,816 --> 00:03:36,286
now we're compared
to the worst tumor?
64
00:03:36,287 --> 00:03:39,961
"Well, at least we help
old people poop."
65
00:03:41,632 --> 00:03:45,573
That is the worst impression
of a grapefruit ever.
66
00:03:47,744 --> 00:03:50,649
It's kind of unfortunate
that there's another fruit
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00:03:50,650 --> 00:03:54,523
that's much smaller
named "grape"
68
00:03:54,524 --> 00:03:57,395
'cause you know there's
situations in doctor's offices,
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00:03:57,396 --> 00:04:00,200
"We found a tumor,
it's the size of a grape..."
70
00:04:00,201 --> 00:04:02,171
"Thank God."
71
00:04:02,172 --> 00:04:05,344
"I didn't finish...
72
00:04:05,345 --> 00:04:08,350
Grapefruit."
73
00:04:08,351 --> 00:04:11,290
"Oh, that's...
That's very different."
74
00:04:14,330 --> 00:04:16,834
It was strange.
You know, when the doctor
75
00:04:16,835 --> 00:04:19,005
told me the tumor
was the size of a pear,
76
00:04:19,006 --> 00:04:23,013
I thought, "Wow, I guess doctors
are bad at analogies."
77
00:04:23,014 --> 00:04:26,219
But I quickly realized
they're just dumbing it down
78
00:04:26,220 --> 00:04:28,290
for idiots like me.
79
00:04:28,291 --> 00:04:29,994
Like the surgeon looked at me
and thought,
80
00:04:29,995 --> 00:04:34,303
"Well, this guy's not gonna
understand centimeters."
81
00:04:35,873 --> 00:04:40,481
I don't even wanna try
and explain circumference.
82
00:04:40,482 --> 00:04:44,255
Based on appearance,
he doesn't eat fruit, but...
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00:04:44,256 --> 00:04:46,927
he's probably seen a pear...
84
00:04:46,928 --> 00:04:51,771
"when he's at the grocery store
buying ice cream."
85
00:04:51,772 --> 00:04:56,514
I don't know why the surgeon
sounds like Andy Rooney.
86
00:04:56,515 --> 00:04:58,150
You ever notice tumors
87
00:04:58,151 --> 00:05:01,557
look like fruit?
88
00:05:01,558 --> 00:05:03,278
By the way, if you don't know
89
00:05:03,302 --> 00:05:06,667
who Andy Rooney is,
you're a child.
90
00:05:06,668 --> 00:05:09,439
And if you do know
who Andy Rooney is,
91
00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:11,812
you should probably eat
more grapefruit.
92
00:05:14,551 --> 00:05:16,419
Tumors compared to fruit.
They're...
93
00:05:16,420 --> 00:05:18,457
They're sometimes
compared to balls
94
00:05:18,458 --> 00:05:20,595
like a golf ball or a softball,
95
00:05:20,596 --> 00:05:22,566
but the surgeon looked at me
and thought,
96
00:05:22,567 --> 00:05:25,003
"I'm gonna stick with food.
97
00:05:25,004 --> 00:05:28,845
I got a better shot
at this fat ass understanding."
98
00:05:28,846 --> 00:05:30,882
I joke around, but it was scary.
99
00:05:30,883 --> 00:05:33,253
We have five children
and there were moments
100
00:05:33,254 --> 00:05:34,934
when I was like,
"Oh, my gosh, if anything"
101
00:05:34,958 --> 00:05:37,696
happens to my wife,
those five kids
102
00:05:37,697 --> 00:05:39,901
are gonna be put up
for adoption.
103
00:05:42,907 --> 00:05:46,080
Some of these jokes
are just for the fathers.
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00:05:49,186 --> 00:05:51,957
My wife was so amazingly strong
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00:05:51,958 --> 00:05:54,228
and brave during
this whole experience.
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00:05:54,229 --> 00:05:56,299
For three months after
the surgery
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00:05:56,300 --> 00:05:59,940
she couldn't eat solid foods
and her friends would send us
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00:05:59,941 --> 00:06:02,646
the most delicious food.
She couldn't eat.
109
00:06:02,647 --> 00:06:05,552
So I found myself
hiding the food
110
00:06:05,553 --> 00:06:08,758
and secretly eating it.
111
00:06:08,759 --> 00:06:12,298
"This is like a whole new
eating disorder for me."
112
00:06:12,299 --> 00:06:16,472
Am I supposed to feel shame
'cause I'm helping my wife!
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00:06:16,473 --> 00:06:18,645
"Really I'm a hero."
114
00:06:20,683 --> 00:06:23,521
She mostly ate Jell-O. Jell-O.
115
00:06:23,522 --> 00:06:25,002
You know what
they make Jell-O out of?
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00:06:25,026 --> 00:06:27,261
Bones and hooves.
117
00:06:27,262 --> 00:06:29,332
I always thought
that was an urban legend.
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Bones and hooves.
What kind of mad man...
119
00:06:33,341 --> 00:06:34,843
"Let me have
the bones and hooves,"
120
00:06:34,844 --> 00:06:38,316
I've got an idea
for a kid's dessert.
121
00:06:38,317 --> 00:06:39,853
It'll be huge.
122
00:06:39,854 --> 00:06:42,659
We'll get Cosby
to do the commercials.
123
00:06:42,660 --> 00:06:45,732
Everyone trusts him.
124
00:06:45,733 --> 00:06:49,539
Anyone using the eyeballs?
I can make an abacus.
125
00:06:49,540 --> 00:06:53,013
"I've got tons of ideas."
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00:06:53,014 --> 00:06:56,620
They say laughter
is the best medicine... and it is,
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00:06:56,621 --> 00:06:59,726
after you've received
real medicine...
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00:06:59,727 --> 00:07:02,999
from a real medical
professional.
129
00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:05,505
Prior to that,
you don't want any laughter.
130
00:07:05,506 --> 00:07:08,410
You don't want a doctor
giggling during an exam.
131
00:07:08,411 --> 00:07:11,249
"Oh, my gosh,
this is your body?"
132
00:07:11,250 --> 00:07:14,389
"Wow, nice man boobs."
133
00:07:15,592 --> 00:07:18,296
My wife had the surgery
in New York City
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00:07:18,297 --> 00:07:20,601
at a hospital named Mount Sinai.
135
00:07:20,602 --> 00:07:23,039
I've noticed that
a lot of hospitals in the U.S.
136
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:27,147
are either named after Saints
or ancient places in Israel
137
00:07:27,148 --> 00:07:30,722
which is not that reassuring
when you think about it.
138
00:07:30,723 --> 00:07:32,759
It's like, "Hi,
welcome to our hospital."
139
00:07:32,760 --> 00:07:35,464
We're all about science
which is why our building
140
00:07:35,465 --> 00:07:38,002
is named after the place
God talked to Moses
141
00:07:38,003 --> 00:07:39,940
as a burning bush.
142
00:07:39,941 --> 00:07:43,647
Over here's our
Casper the Ghost wing...
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00:07:43,648 --> 00:07:46,219
next to our Astrology Center.
144
00:07:46,220 --> 00:07:49,425
Do you like UFOs? We love those.
145
00:07:49,426 --> 00:07:52,398
"We're all about science."
146
00:07:52,399 --> 00:07:54,402
Spent two weeks in the hospital.
147
00:07:54,403 --> 00:07:58,209
People what work in hospitals
are truly amazing people.
148
00:07:58,210 --> 00:08:00,213
They are.
149
00:08:00,214 --> 00:08:03,253
So nice and supportive.
150
00:08:03,254 --> 00:08:05,591
It makes you suspicious, right?
151
00:08:05,592 --> 00:08:08,531
Are they stealing the drugs?
152
00:08:08,532 --> 00:08:11,302
They're a little too excited
to be around
153
00:08:11,303 --> 00:08:14,475
sick people in pajamas.
154
00:08:14,476 --> 00:08:16,279
And when I say "sick,"
I'm not talking about
155
00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:17,916
the positive slang, right?
156
00:08:17,917 --> 00:08:20,086
'Cause that's... that's part
of our language, right?
157
00:08:20,087 --> 00:08:21,924
"That jacket is sick!"
158
00:08:21,925 --> 00:08:24,028
But you don't want
a medical professional
159
00:08:24,029 --> 00:08:27,034
to be like,
"Your test results are sick!
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00:08:27,035 --> 00:08:30,943
I mean, let me clarify,
you're dying."
161
00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:34,181
It's got to be hard
to work in a hospital.
162
00:08:34,182 --> 00:08:36,854
That hospital lighting.
Everyone looks sick
163
00:08:36,855 --> 00:08:38,724
in that hospital lighting.
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00:08:38,725 --> 00:08:42,498
I walked in, they're like,
"We should get you to the ER."
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00:08:42,499 --> 00:08:44,468
"I'm just here to see my wife."
166
00:08:44,469 --> 00:08:46,840
"Well, you have jaundice."
167
00:08:46,841 --> 00:08:50,280
See? Compared to... Oh, my gosh!
I have jaundice, too!
168
00:08:50,281 --> 00:08:53,821
"We all have jaundice!"
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00:08:53,822 --> 00:08:57,027
When my wife would nap,
I would go to the cafeteria.
170
00:08:57,028 --> 00:09:00,033
Hospitals have the most
cutting-edge medical equipment,
171
00:09:00,034 --> 00:09:03,708
but they're still serving food
like it's Shawshank Redemption.
172
00:09:05,177 --> 00:09:09,520
How about selling an MRI machine
and getting a pasta station?
173
00:09:11,223 --> 00:09:14,128
"Jim, you're a monster."
174
00:09:14,129 --> 00:09:16,700
There's different sections
in hospitals.
175
00:09:16,701 --> 00:09:19,104
There's the Emergency Room,
the Intensive Care Unit.
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00:09:19,105 --> 00:09:21,910
Which sound scary,
but I don't know why anyone
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00:09:21,911 --> 00:09:25,116
would want to stay anywhere
but the Intensive Care Unit.
178
00:09:25,117 --> 00:09:27,287
It kind of implies
the rest of the hospital's like,
179
00:09:27,288 --> 00:09:30,696
"Look, we care, but we're not
gonna be a spaz about it."
180
00:09:31,998 --> 00:09:34,903
"I get a phone call,
I'm gonna take it, right?"
181
00:09:34,904 --> 00:09:37,875
We're like
the Mediocre Care Unit.
182
00:09:37,876 --> 00:09:40,313
Which is better than
We Couldn't Care Less Unit.
183
00:09:40,314 --> 00:09:42,318
"Those guys are horrible."
184
00:09:44,422 --> 00:09:45,725
It's wild.
185
00:09:45,726 --> 00:09:47,895
My wife was in surgery
for ten hours.
186
00:09:47,896 --> 00:09:50,166
And before the surgery,
the surgeon told me, he goes,
187
00:09:50,167 --> 00:09:54,341
"Half way through I'll probably
stop and get lunch."
188
00:09:54,342 --> 00:09:57,447
I don't need to know that.
189
00:09:57,448 --> 00:09:59,451
Why even tell me that?
190
00:09:59,452 --> 00:10:03,927
Was he afraid I was gonna
run into him in the cafeteria?
191
00:10:03,928 --> 00:10:06,768
"What are you doing here?!"
192
00:10:08,304 --> 00:10:10,808
"I get these cravings.
193
00:10:10,809 --> 00:10:14,182
Those Snickers commercials
are true."
194
00:10:16,186 --> 00:10:18,590
But he was
a great brain surgeon.
195
00:10:18,591 --> 00:10:21,128
We learned later on
that he's like the best.
196
00:10:21,129 --> 00:10:23,934
I don't know how they determine
the best brain surgeon.
197
00:10:23,935 --> 00:10:26,272
You know,
maybe there's a competition.
198
00:10:26,273 --> 00:10:28,243
America's Got Tumors.
199
00:10:29,814 --> 00:10:32,384
Heidi Klum
thought he was the best.
200
00:10:32,385 --> 00:10:34,355
The best brain surgeon.
201
00:10:34,356 --> 00:10:38,597
Isn't it enough that someone's
a brain surgeon?
202
00:10:38,598 --> 00:10:41,970
None of us could even
get in Med School.
203
00:10:41,971 --> 00:10:44,709
A brain surgeon goes
to medical school,
204
00:10:44,710 --> 00:10:46,880
afterwards,
specializes in neurology,
205
00:10:46,881 --> 00:10:50,755
after that, specializes
in surgery of the brain,
206
00:10:50,756 --> 00:10:53,427
and we're like,
"Yeah, but are they any good?"
207
00:10:55,899 --> 00:10:58,971
"Yeah, they're a brain surgeon!"
208
00:10:58,972 --> 00:11:01,710
You know what they do
with the bad brain surgeons?
209
00:11:01,711 --> 00:11:05,250
They don't let them
become brain surgeons.
210
00:11:05,251 --> 00:11:09,291
Can you imagine the pressure
on a brain surgeon?
211
00:11:09,292 --> 00:11:11,830
At no point during their workday
can they say,
212
00:11:11,831 --> 00:11:15,805
"Hey, it ain't brain surgery."
213
00:11:15,806 --> 00:11:19,211
'Cause it's always
brain surgery!
214
00:11:19,212 --> 00:11:21,315
Every day!
215
00:11:21,316 --> 00:11:24,556
"What'd you do at work, honey?"
"Brain surgery!"
216
00:11:24,557 --> 00:11:26,760
"That's fun.
You want some fruit?"
217
00:11:26,761 --> 00:11:28,898
"Never!"
218
00:11:32,573 --> 00:11:35,811
My wife had a... she had
an amazing team of doctors.
219
00:11:35,812 --> 00:11:37,147
She had the brain surgeons.
220
00:11:37,148 --> 00:11:39,384
She also had
an ear, nose, and throat doctor.
221
00:11:39,385 --> 00:11:41,288
Ear, nose, and throat.
That kinda sound like
222
00:11:41,289 --> 00:11:43,927
they didn't make the cut
for brain surgeon.
223
00:11:43,928 --> 00:11:45,965
"I wanna be a brain surgeon."
"You know what?
224
00:11:45,966 --> 00:11:49,104
Let's stick with
the ears, nose, and throat.
225
00:11:49,105 --> 00:11:53,079
"You'd be better with the things
surrounding the brain."
226
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:54,749
"Can I have the eyes?"
"You know what?
227
00:11:54,750 --> 00:11:57,354
Let's stick with the ears,
nose, and throat.
228
00:11:57,355 --> 00:12:01,963
"We promised the eyes
to the nerd at LensCrafters."
229
00:12:01,964 --> 00:12:05,136
"Why pick an Optometrist?"
230
00:12:05,137 --> 00:12:06,806
Those ear, nose,
and throat doctors,
231
00:12:06,807 --> 00:12:08,476
they must look at dentists
and think,
232
00:12:08,477 --> 00:12:10,714
"Just teeth?
233
00:12:10,715 --> 00:12:12,484
That's it?
What about the tongue?"
234
00:12:12,485 --> 00:12:14,689
"Not the tongue,
just the teeth."
235
00:12:14,690 --> 00:12:17,260
"You just work on teeth?
Surgery on teeth?"
236
00:12:17,261 --> 00:12:20,300
"Oh, I don't do the surgery.
That's the orthodontist."
237
00:12:20,301 --> 00:12:23,472
I mostly scrape stuff
off of teeth...
238
00:12:23,473 --> 00:12:26,980
while I listen to '80s music.
239
00:12:26,981 --> 00:12:30,086
"I love Debbie Gibson."
240
00:12:30,087 --> 00:12:32,023
When you think about it,
dentist,
241
00:12:32,024 --> 00:12:35,263
they don't do the surgery,
they don't even clean the teeth.
242
00:12:35,264 --> 00:12:37,624
They're like, "You guys do
everything and then I'll come in"
243
00:12:37,648 --> 00:12:40,641
and jab 'em with
a sharp object...
244
00:12:40,642 --> 00:12:42,779
"while I listen to Debbie."
245
00:12:44,315 --> 00:12:46,786
I did figure out what type
of doctor I would want to be,
246
00:12:46,787 --> 00:12:48,991
which is an anesthesiologist.
247
00:12:48,992 --> 00:12:51,395
'Cause just once I'd like to
walk in a room and go,
248
00:12:51,396 --> 00:12:54,234
"Hi, I'm Dr. Gaffigan.
I'm gonna give you some drugs"
249
00:12:54,235 --> 00:12:56,405
so you can't talk or move...
250
00:12:56,406 --> 00:12:59,947
and one of these strangers
is gonna cut you open.
251
00:13:00,915 --> 00:13:03,386
"Good luck."
252
00:13:03,387 --> 00:13:06,559
What draws
someone to anesthesiology?
253
00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:09,097
It's like, "I like medicine,
but I really enjoy"
254
00:13:09,098 --> 00:13:13,372
getting people high.
If I could combine the two.
255
00:13:13,373 --> 00:13:17,213
"I also prefer
to sit during surgery."
256
00:13:17,214 --> 00:13:19,919
You ever see the
anesthesiologist during surgery?
257
00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:22,023
They're always sitting
there like...
258
00:13:22,024 --> 00:13:25,831
"I don't even know why
I have to be here."
259
00:13:25,832 --> 00:13:28,370
Yeah, they're still alive.
260
00:13:30,809 --> 00:13:32,979
"Anyone got the WiFi password?"
261
00:13:36,252 --> 00:13:38,723
But I have a newfound respect
for doctors.
262
00:13:38,724 --> 00:13:40,894
I do.
'Cause when you think about it,
263
00:13:40,895 --> 00:13:43,165
unless we're sick, we listen to
264
00:13:43,166 --> 00:13:45,938
absolutely nothing
doctors tell us.
265
00:13:45,939 --> 00:13:47,675
They're like,
"You should lose weight."
266
00:13:47,676 --> 00:13:50,948
"Never gonna happen.
267
00:13:50,949 --> 00:13:53,620
What else you got?"
268
00:13:53,621 --> 00:13:55,289
"You should exercise."
269
00:13:55,290 --> 00:13:58,129
"Does eating
French fries count?"
270
00:13:58,130 --> 00:14:00,333
"Get out of my office."
271
00:14:00,334 --> 00:14:04,474
I don't even listen when
I bring my kids to the doctor.
272
00:14:04,475 --> 00:14:06,813
The doctor's like,
"To avoid an infection..."
273
00:14:06,814 --> 00:14:10,053
I'm like, "De de de de de de de
de de de de de de de de de."
274
00:14:11,456 --> 00:14:13,392
My wife's like,
"What'd the doctor say?"
275
00:14:13,393 --> 00:14:15,964
"Don't pick the scab.
276
00:14:15,965 --> 00:14:18,604
I don't listen to nerds!"
277
00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:22,277
That was the only time
I would ever see a doctor.
278
00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:24,214
Is when I bring my kids in.
279
00:14:24,215 --> 00:14:27,387
Sometimes I'd try and horn in
on a pediatric appointment.
280
00:14:27,388 --> 00:14:29,308
The doctor'd be like,
"How's little Mikey doing?"
281
00:14:29,332 --> 00:14:31,028
"Mikey's good. He's good."
282
00:14:31,029 --> 00:14:34,202
He's a little worried about this
mole I have on my arm.
283
00:14:35,772 --> 00:14:38,108
Yeah, I explained to Mikey
that I've always had the mole,
284
00:14:38,109 --> 00:14:40,648
"but Mikey thinks it might've
changed colors."
285
00:14:42,060 --> 00:14:43,820
"Jim, would you like
to make an appointment?"
286
00:14:43,821 --> 00:14:45,757
"No, it's Mikey.
He just needs a thumbs up"
287
00:14:45,758 --> 00:14:47,561
or a thumbs down on the mole.
288
00:14:47,562 --> 00:14:50,333
I know Mikey doesn't want to
play the Hippocratic Oath card,
289
00:14:50,334 --> 00:14:53,206
"but you have to tell us,
don't you?"
290
00:14:55,210 --> 00:14:58,215
I'm mostly healthy.
I, uh, worked out today.
291
00:14:58,216 --> 00:15:00,721
I know I don't need to.
292
00:15:00,722 --> 00:15:04,695
When I'm home in New York City,
I workout at the Chinatown YMCA.
293
00:15:04,696 --> 00:15:07,501
And I realize when people hear
"the Chinatown YMCA"
294
00:15:07,502 --> 00:15:10,641
they think, "Oh, that's not like
a serious place to workout."
295
00:15:10,642 --> 00:15:13,947
And it's not. It's not at all.
296
00:15:13,948 --> 00:15:16,218
It's mostly little kids
learning how to swim
297
00:15:16,219 --> 00:15:20,093
and really old, Chinese people
with their parents.
298
00:15:21,530 --> 00:15:24,769
I didn't even know
you could live to that age.
299
00:15:24,770 --> 00:15:28,442
But I tell you, watching
a 90 year old on an elliptical,
300
00:15:28,443 --> 00:15:32,351
really inspires me
to die in my 70s.
301
00:15:34,288 --> 00:15:38,163
It looks like a machine
is eating someone's grandma.
302
00:15:39,265 --> 00:15:41,703
But I love my Y, you know?
303
00:15:41,704 --> 00:15:43,624
It's... It's different
from a normal health club.
304
00:15:43,648 --> 00:15:45,176
There's never moments
when you think,
305
00:15:45,177 --> 00:15:47,581
"Oh, my gosh, look at how much
weight that guy's lifting."
306
00:15:47,582 --> 00:15:50,655
It's more like, "Oh, my gosh,
that guy's smoking..."
307
00:15:51,957 --> 00:15:56,198
on a treadmill in dress pants."
308
00:15:56,199 --> 00:16:00,072
It's very business-casual.
309
00:16:00,073 --> 00:16:02,410
Sure my Y doesn't have
some of the amenities,
310
00:16:02,411 --> 00:16:06,018
but it also doesn't have the
normal health club distractions.
311
00:16:06,019 --> 00:16:08,122
I don't have to deal
with loud music
312
00:16:08,123 --> 00:16:11,027
or people that are in shape.
313
00:16:11,028 --> 00:16:13,132
I walk around my Y
and I'm like, "You know what?"
314
00:16:13,133 --> 00:16:15,704
I'm doing okay.
315
00:16:15,705 --> 00:16:18,977
Maybe I should teach a class.
316
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:20,747
Hi, welcome
to advanced elliptical.
317
00:16:20,748 --> 00:16:22,985
Doesn't matter if you don't
have workout clothes on,
318
00:16:22,986 --> 00:16:25,757
we're not gonna be raising
our heart rate.
319
00:16:25,758 --> 00:16:28,563
So let's step on, pick a show,
320
00:16:28,564 --> 00:16:30,232
and think about
what we're gonna eat.
321
00:16:30,233 --> 00:16:34,107
Okay,
who's having a burger, huh?
322
00:16:34,108 --> 00:16:37,147
"Let's practice eating fries."
323
00:16:39,118 --> 00:16:41,889
I'm ignored at my Y.
I'm ignored at all health clubs.
324
00:16:41,890 --> 00:16:43,492
Like, when I walk
into a fitness area,
325
00:16:43,493 --> 00:16:45,564
even in a hotel,
people always look at me like,
326
00:16:45,565 --> 00:16:49,337
"I didn't know
they serve food here."
327
00:16:49,338 --> 00:16:52,343
The only people that approach me
are personal trainers.
328
00:16:52,344 --> 00:16:54,344
They're like, "You looking for
a personal trainer?"
329
00:16:54,368 --> 00:16:56,619
"Uh, no." "You should be."
330
00:16:56,620 --> 00:16:58,923
So I've gotten to the point,
if I'm approached by
331
00:16:58,924 --> 00:17:01,929
a personal trainer, I just
act like they're hitting on me.
332
00:17:01,930 --> 00:17:03,600
They're like,
"Hey, how you doing?"
333
00:17:03,601 --> 00:17:05,571
"I'm married."
334
00:17:07,441 --> 00:17:10,680
"Uh, I don't think you unders..."
"I understand perfectly!
335
00:17:10,681 --> 00:17:13,318
You wanna get with me...
336
00:17:13,319 --> 00:17:17,060
"but I'm taken, so you can look,
but no touchie."
337
00:17:20,066 --> 00:17:22,236
I got to do some
international shows this year.
338
00:17:22,237 --> 00:17:24,708
I performed in Japan
for the first time
339
00:17:24,709 --> 00:17:27,046
which was amazing.
340
00:17:27,047 --> 00:17:29,718
I mean, I wasn't in Japan
just for stand-up,
341
00:17:29,719 --> 00:17:32,758
I was also modeling.
342
00:17:32,759 --> 00:17:35,329
I wish that wasn't that funny.
343
00:17:35,330 --> 00:17:38,101
But Japan...
The Japanese are just...
344
00:17:38,102 --> 00:17:39,939
They're... they're better
at being human.
345
00:17:39,940 --> 00:17:41,709
Can we admit that? They're...
346
00:17:41,710 --> 00:17:44,748
You know, they're more polite,
they're better at design.
347
00:17:44,749 --> 00:17:46,217
The Japanese toilet.
348
00:17:46,218 --> 00:17:48,121
Are you familiar
with the Japanese toilet?
349
00:17:48,122 --> 00:17:51,061
The Japanese took the most
disgusting experience
350
00:17:51,062 --> 00:17:54,768
of human existence and fixed it.
351
00:17:54,769 --> 00:17:58,743
The Japanese toilet
washes you, dries you,
352
00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:01,414
does your taxes...
353
00:18:01,415 --> 00:18:04,989
and that is in
a Tokyo airport bathroom.
354
00:18:04,990 --> 00:18:08,095
You leave a Japanese
public restroom
355
00:18:08,096 --> 00:18:10,165
cleaner than when you walked in.
356
00:18:10,166 --> 00:18:14,609
You leave an American
public restroom with PTSD.
357
00:18:16,212 --> 00:18:19,818
Your only thought is, "How can I
forget that experience?"
358
00:18:19,819 --> 00:18:23,526
Is there alcohol nearby?"
359
00:18:23,527 --> 00:18:25,997
The entire time I was in Japan
I felt overweight.
360
00:18:25,998 --> 00:18:28,368
Probably 'cause I am overweight,
361
00:18:28,369 --> 00:18:30,573
but generally the Japanese
are thin.
362
00:18:30,574 --> 00:18:32,811
I mean, there are people
that are overweight in Japan,
363
00:18:32,812 --> 00:18:34,213
but not like in America.
364
00:18:34,214 --> 00:18:37,688
We're better at not being thin.
365
00:18:37,689 --> 00:18:40,059
'Cause if you get
really fat in Japan,
366
00:18:40,060 --> 00:18:42,329
they make you Sumo wrestle.
367
00:18:42,330 --> 00:18:45,838
They make their fat people
fight each other...
368
00:18:47,107 --> 00:18:50,547
To entertain the thin people!
369
00:18:50,548 --> 00:18:54,487
And the fat people in Japan
go along with it!
370
00:18:54,488 --> 00:18:56,692
"Why am I doing this?"
"It's prestigious.
371
00:18:56,693 --> 00:19:00,299
Now you try and push that other
fat ass out of the circle
372
00:19:00,300 --> 00:19:03,371
while we try not to giggle...
373
00:19:03,372 --> 00:19:05,409
But first,
throw on this giant diaper
374
00:19:05,410 --> 00:19:08,817
"and put your hair in a bun.
It's very dignified."
375
00:19:12,357 --> 00:19:14,394
The Japanese are quiet
and polite.
376
00:19:14,395 --> 00:19:16,866
They're like the opposite
of my children.
377
00:19:16,867 --> 00:19:20,472
I had my kids with me and they
were always making loud noises.
378
00:19:20,473 --> 00:19:22,711
Occasionally, I would catch
a Japanese person looking at
379
00:19:22,712 --> 00:19:25,282
my poorly behaved kids
and then they would look at me
380
00:19:25,283 --> 00:19:27,019
and I'd always say
the same thing,
381
00:19:27,020 --> 00:19:29,191
"We're Canadian."
382
00:19:30,728 --> 00:19:33,398
Of course,
we're not Canadian, but...
383
00:19:33,399 --> 00:19:35,135
that is what some Americans do
384
00:19:35,136 --> 00:19:36,416
when they travel
internationally.
385
00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:37,774
They tell people
they're Canadian.
386
00:19:37,775 --> 00:19:39,343
Which I think is cowardly.
387
00:19:39,344 --> 00:19:43,018
That's why I always
tell people I'm North Korean.
388
00:19:43,019 --> 00:19:47,727
Then I get the respect
I deserve!
389
00:19:47,728 --> 00:19:50,365
How much attention
does the country
390
00:19:50,366 --> 00:19:52,169
of North Korea
need at this point?
391
00:19:52,170 --> 00:19:53,490
Every two days
North Korea's like,
392
00:19:53,514 --> 00:19:57,413
"We're gonna blow up the world!"
393
00:19:57,414 --> 00:20:00,621
Isn't there a party that's like,
"Then just do it."
394
00:20:02,190 --> 00:20:05,362
"Get it over with, you spaz."
395
00:20:05,363 --> 00:20:08,536
"Jim, don't even joke around
about that."
396
00:20:08,537 --> 00:20:12,209
What if someone from
North Korea was in the audience?
397
00:20:12,210 --> 00:20:15,683
"They have a missile program."
398
00:20:15,684 --> 00:20:17,621
It's kinda fun tracking
the North Korean
399
00:20:17,622 --> 00:20:19,658
missile program, right?
They're like, "North Korea"
400
00:20:19,659 --> 00:20:21,962
has missiles
that can reach Alaska."
401
00:20:21,963 --> 00:20:25,102
"Oh, my gosh, Alaska?!
Well, I don't know anyone
402
00:20:25,103 --> 00:20:28,008
that lives in Alaska."
403
00:20:28,009 --> 00:20:31,281
"North Korea has missiles
that can reach the West Coast."
404
00:20:31,282 --> 00:20:33,251
"Oh, my gosh, the West Coast?
405
00:20:33,252 --> 00:20:35,957
Well, I don't go there
that often."
406
00:20:35,958 --> 00:20:38,696
"North Korea has missles
that can reach the East Coast."
407
00:20:38,697 --> 00:20:41,434
"Whoa! We gotta do something
about this!
408
00:20:41,435 --> 00:20:44,575
Now we're talking about
real people!"
409
00:20:46,713 --> 00:20:49,852
Oh, thank you.
410
00:20:53,426 --> 00:20:56,431
I did some shows in China.
All in Chinese.
411
00:20:56,432 --> 00:20:59,036
I picked it up at the Y.
412
00:20:59,037 --> 00:21:01,909
It's not that hard.
It wasn't that complicated.
413
00:21:01,910 --> 00:21:04,447
You visit some places
and you think, "All right",
414
00:21:04,448 --> 00:21:06,248
there's a language barrier,
but I can get by."
415
00:21:06,272 --> 00:21:08,944
In China I was like, "Oh,
if I got lost I would die here."
416
00:21:10,728 --> 00:21:13,566
I wouldn't last a half a day.
417
00:21:13,567 --> 00:21:16,872
Everyone's looking at me
like I'm a ghost anyway.
418
00:21:16,873 --> 00:21:20,045
The Chinese were very nice.
They were fascinated
419
00:21:20,046 --> 00:21:21,982
with my pale, blonde children.
420
00:21:21,983 --> 00:21:23,953
Many of them wanted pictures
with my kids.
421
00:21:23,954 --> 00:21:27,459
They didn't really ask.
They just grabbed a kid.
422
00:21:27,460 --> 00:21:29,564
"Can I have a picture
with this one?"
423
00:21:29,565 --> 00:21:31,703
"I guess you're gonna."
424
00:21:32,872 --> 00:21:34,508
And when they were done
with the picture,
425
00:21:34,509 --> 00:21:36,879
they would rub
my blonde kid's head 'cause
426
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:41,187
you know, they're my kids,
but they're also lucky objects.
427
00:21:41,188 --> 00:21:43,358
And after this happened
a couple times I was like,
428
00:21:43,359 --> 00:21:46,900
"Hey! We should charge, right?"
429
00:21:48,937 --> 00:21:51,909
China was fascinating
and exhausting.
430
00:21:51,910 --> 00:21:53,846
I brought my kids
to The Great Wall,
431
00:21:53,847 --> 00:21:56,050
we saw the Terracotta Warriors,
we walked through
432
00:21:56,051 --> 00:21:58,589
the Forbidden City,
we rode in a ricksha,
433
00:21:58,590 --> 00:22:00,827
and when we were leaving
I asked my five year old,
434
00:22:00,828 --> 00:22:02,668
I said, "What was your favorite
part of China?"
435
00:22:02,692 --> 00:22:04,634
And he said,
"I liked that time we saw
436
00:22:04,635 --> 00:22:07,874
the truck with the pigs on it."
437
00:22:07,875 --> 00:22:10,145
'Cause at one point,
we were stuck in traffic
438
00:22:10,146 --> 00:22:14,855
and this truck pulled up
and it had pigs in cages.
439
00:22:14,856 --> 00:22:17,026
And that was his favorite part.
440
00:22:20,099 --> 00:22:22,036
After the 15 hour flight.
441
00:22:24,274 --> 00:22:25,843
And I remember when that truck
pulled up
442
00:22:25,844 --> 00:22:27,714
'cause I remember looking
at those pigs
443
00:22:27,715 --> 00:22:30,753
and feeling sorry for them,
but those pigs looked happy.
444
00:22:30,754 --> 00:22:32,657
It was almost like the pigs
were looking at me
445
00:22:32,658 --> 00:22:34,098
and my five screaming kids
and going,
446
00:22:34,122 --> 00:22:36,026
"Well,
at least we're not that slob."
447
00:22:40,072 --> 00:22:42,209
I do enjoy travelling
to other countries.
448
00:22:42,210 --> 00:22:43,546
Seeing how different,
449
00:22:43,547 --> 00:22:45,248
but essentially similar
we all are.
450
00:22:45,249 --> 00:22:48,656
Like the U.K. is not
that different from the U.S..
451
00:22:48,657 --> 00:22:50,737
You know, if anything,
you go over there and it seems
452
00:22:50,761 --> 00:22:53,298
like British people are trying
to be different from Americans.
453
00:22:53,299 --> 00:22:55,819
They're like,
"Oh, you drive on the right side"
454
00:22:55,843 --> 00:22:57,540
of the road?
Then... then we're gonna drive
455
00:22:57,541 --> 00:22:59,611
on the left side of the road.
456
00:22:59,612 --> 00:23:01,515
Oh, you call your mother 'mom'?
457
00:23:01,516 --> 00:23:04,655
Then we're gonna call ours...
'mum'.
458
00:23:05,757 --> 00:23:07,860
Oh, you call that a cookie?
459
00:23:07,861 --> 00:23:10,032
"Then we're not going
to the dentist."
460
00:23:13,472 --> 00:23:15,342
You know that's true.
461
00:23:19,694 --> 00:23:21,454
I did notice something
when I was over there.
462
00:23:21,455 --> 00:23:23,015
You know, British people,
they don't say
463
00:23:23,039 --> 00:23:24,895
"the" before "hospital."
You ever notice that?
464
00:23:24,896 --> 00:23:26,497
They're like, "Hospital?"
465
00:23:26,498 --> 00:23:29,003
I was feeling knackered
so I went to hospital."
466
00:23:29,004 --> 00:23:31,044
Whenever they
would do that, I'd say,
467
00:23:31,068 --> 00:23:32,877
"Stop that.
That's wrong and weird."
468
00:23:32,878 --> 00:23:36,752
Are you trying to sound
like a polite caveman?
469
00:23:36,753 --> 00:23:38,473
And I had a friend from London,
he was like,
470
00:23:38,497 --> 00:23:40,392
"What makes you
think you're doing it properly?"
471
00:23:40,393 --> 00:23:42,153
And I go, "'Cause I'm American"
472
00:23:42,177 --> 00:23:45,016
and we invented
the English language."
473
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:50,011
It was a pet peeve of mine.
So I did some research.
474
00:23:50,012 --> 00:23:53,318
You know why British people
don't say "the" before hospital?
475
00:23:53,319 --> 00:23:55,957
'Cause they're dicks.
476
00:23:55,958 --> 00:23:58,027
"Jim!"
477
00:23:58,028 --> 00:24:00,666
I know that sounds harsh,
but admit it!
478
00:24:00,667 --> 00:24:03,004
British people
always talk to Americans
479
00:24:03,005 --> 00:24:05,342
like we just walked
into their jewelry store
480
00:24:05,343 --> 00:24:07,847
with two full bags of garbage.
481
00:24:07,848 --> 00:24:11,188
"Ugh, may I help you?"
482
00:24:12,390 --> 00:24:15,428
Are you lost?
483
00:24:21,007 --> 00:24:22,647
Obviously, I love the Brits
484
00:24:22,671 --> 00:24:25,811
and I would never do those jokes
there.
485
00:24:28,489 --> 00:24:30,826
I have been lucky enough
to perform in the U.K.
486
00:24:30,827 --> 00:24:33,632
a couple times and one time
I was walking through.
487
00:24:33,633 --> 00:24:35,569
Piccadilly Circus...
Which, for the record,
488
00:24:35,570 --> 00:24:39,443
is a horrible circus.
There's no animals.
489
00:24:39,444 --> 00:24:41,414
No, I was walking through
Piccadilly Circus
490
00:24:41,415 --> 00:24:43,117
and I saw they had an M&M store
491
00:24:43,118 --> 00:24:45,355
and I looked at that M&M store
and it just made me think
492
00:24:45,356 --> 00:24:48,629
of all the things the British
have given the Americans.
493
00:24:48,630 --> 00:24:51,535
Like our language, Shakespeare,
494
00:24:51,536 --> 00:24:54,273
the Magna Carta,
and I looked at the M&M store
495
00:24:54,274 --> 00:24:56,612
and I thought, "Now we're even."
496
00:24:59,952 --> 00:25:02,690
When I looked at the M&M store,
I wasn't even embarrassed
497
00:25:02,691 --> 00:25:06,397
to be American,
I was ashamed to be human
498
00:25:06,398 --> 00:25:09,838
'cause has anyone at any point
in their life thought,
499
00:25:09,839 --> 00:25:13,512
"When are they gonna open
an M&M store?"
500
00:25:13,513 --> 00:25:17,587
Sure, I can buy
M&Ms absolutely anywhere,
501
00:25:17,588 --> 00:25:20,391
but I like to buy in bulk...
502
00:25:20,392 --> 00:25:24,701
"in a pro-M&M environment."
503
00:25:24,702 --> 00:25:27,005
Obviously, we don't need
an M&M store.
504
00:25:27,006 --> 00:25:30,478
We don't even need
different colored M&Ms.
505
00:25:30,479 --> 00:25:32,884
They all taste the same.
506
00:25:32,885 --> 00:25:36,959
They're just bits of chocolate
shaped like Advil.
507
00:25:38,095 --> 00:25:40,533
With an M on it.
They're not even M&Ms.
508
00:25:40,534 --> 00:25:43,037
They're Ms!
509
00:25:43,038 --> 00:25:44,807
We don't do that
with anything else.
510
00:25:44,808 --> 00:25:46,143
"You want some raisin & raisins?
511
00:25:46,144 --> 00:25:49,685
Go ahead, grab a handful
of raisin & raisins."
512
00:25:51,856 --> 00:25:54,459
No, I don't even know
how many M&Ms
513
00:25:54,460 --> 00:25:56,531
or Ms they would have to sell
in London
514
00:25:56,532 --> 00:25:59,169
to justify Piccadilly Circus
real estate,
515
00:25:59,170 --> 00:26:02,209
but this M&M store
is massive in the U.K..
516
00:26:02,210 --> 00:26:04,714
It is three levels...
Which I guess makes sense,
517
00:26:04,715 --> 00:26:07,085
'cause the first level
so you can buy M&Ms,
518
00:26:07,086 --> 00:26:09,991
the second level
so you can buy more M&Ms,
519
00:26:09,992 --> 00:26:13,899
and then the third level
so you can jump to your death
520
00:26:13,900 --> 00:26:18,240
'cause you wasted time
in an M&M store
521
00:26:18,241 --> 00:26:22,583
when you were in London!
522
00:26:22,584 --> 00:26:24,219
By the way,
I don't have any judgement.
523
00:26:24,220 --> 00:26:26,891
If you personally enjoy
going to the M&M store,
524
00:26:26,892 --> 00:26:30,299
that's fine, but, obviously,
you shouldn't vote.
525
00:26:38,348 --> 00:26:40,084
I was with my kids at the time
526
00:26:40,085 --> 00:26:41,955
and they wanted to go
to the M&M store,
527
00:26:41,956 --> 00:26:45,896
'cause little children
only wanna do horrible things.
528
00:26:45,897 --> 00:26:47,933
Kids never
wanna do something fun
529
00:26:47,934 --> 00:26:52,710
like sit in a dark bar
and drink beer.
530
00:26:52,711 --> 00:26:54,747
And I remember standing there
with my kids
531
00:26:54,748 --> 00:26:56,985
and I was aware that
there were other parents
532
00:26:56,986 --> 00:26:58,822
with their children
in the M&M store
533
00:26:58,823 --> 00:27:00,425
'cause that's what you do
as a parent.
534
00:27:00,426 --> 00:27:02,930
You do things with your kids
'cause you love them,
535
00:27:02,931 --> 00:27:07,840
but I realized in that moment
I don't love my kids that much.
536
00:27:07,841 --> 00:27:11,180
I love them enough
to walk by the M&M store.
537
00:27:11,181 --> 00:27:14,186
"Jim, you're a monster."
538
00:27:14,187 --> 00:27:16,758
But being a parent is not that
different from being a tourist.
539
00:27:16,759 --> 00:27:18,762
It's essentially
the same experience.
540
00:27:18,763 --> 00:27:21,033
In both
you walk around exhausted
541
00:27:21,034 --> 00:27:23,037
spending money you don't have
542
00:27:23,038 --> 00:27:25,209
while you look for a bathroom.
543
00:27:26,912 --> 00:27:29,584
It's the same experience.
544
00:27:29,585 --> 00:27:31,921
You know? Thank you.
545
00:27:36,832 --> 00:27:40,104
I, uh... I was recently given
a gift certificate
546
00:27:40,105 --> 00:27:45,014
for a massage which I will
never use because I'm not
547
00:27:45,015 --> 00:27:48,187
one of the Real Housewives
of Beverly Hills.
548
00:27:48,188 --> 00:27:50,358
I've gotten a massage before,
but I just...
549
00:27:50,359 --> 00:27:53,832
I find it hard
to justify a massage like,
550
00:27:53,833 --> 00:27:55,636
"You know what I deserve?"
551
00:27:55,637 --> 00:27:58,675
To have someone I don't know
rub my body.
552
00:27:58,676 --> 00:28:01,981
"Let's make that happen people."
553
00:28:01,982 --> 00:28:04,219
'Cause massages
are always from strangers.
554
00:28:04,220 --> 00:28:07,626
We get massages from strangers
'cause we can't count
555
00:28:07,627 --> 00:28:11,400
on the people who love us
to touch us.
556
00:28:11,401 --> 00:28:13,638
Right? I mean,
it could be your best friend.
557
00:28:13,639 --> 00:28:15,676
"You see that guy?
I'd take a bullet for him.
558
00:28:15,677 --> 00:28:19,115
I'm not giving him a massage.
I'm no queer."
559
00:28:19,116 --> 00:28:22,322
My wife, the woman I love,
the mother of my children,
560
00:28:22,323 --> 00:28:26,231
here's my massage, "You good?
That's... my hand's cramping."
561
00:28:27,834 --> 00:28:30,271
So we pay total strangers.
562
00:28:30,272 --> 00:28:33,277
"Hey, I know nothing about you,
why don't I take off my clothes"
563
00:28:33,278 --> 00:28:36,885
and climb on this padded
dining room table?
564
00:28:36,886 --> 00:28:39,256
"Then you can do
whatever you want."
565
00:28:39,257 --> 00:28:41,661
We know nothing
about these people.
566
00:28:41,662 --> 00:28:45,201
I don't even ask
if their a masseuse.
567
00:28:45,202 --> 00:28:48,775
"Oh, you're dressed like
an orderly in a mental ward,"
568
00:28:48,776 --> 00:28:50,812
why don't I get in the most
vulnerable position
569
00:28:50,813 --> 00:28:52,950
I can think of?
570
00:28:52,951 --> 00:28:56,023
How about face down
on the donut pillow?
571
00:28:56,024 --> 00:28:57,325
Does that work for you?
572
00:28:57,326 --> 00:28:58,862
'Cause then I can look
at your feet
573
00:28:58,863 --> 00:29:02,068
"and imagine
you're grabbing knives."
574
00:29:02,069 --> 00:29:05,274
What do we really know
about massage therapists?
575
00:29:05,275 --> 00:29:08,213
They like to rub strangers
for money
576
00:29:08,214 --> 00:29:11,921
while they listen
to the Avitar soundtrack.
577
00:29:11,922 --> 00:29:14,292
That's a red flag!
578
00:29:14,293 --> 00:29:18,267
Those are the traits
of a serial killer!
579
00:29:18,268 --> 00:29:20,271
I never know
what to say during a massage.
580
00:29:20,272 --> 00:29:22,275
Sometimes I'll try
and break the ice.
581
00:29:22,276 --> 00:29:26,283
I'll be like, "Hey, you're not
allergic to leprosy, are ya?"
582
00:29:26,284 --> 00:29:29,089
They never laugh
'cause they're busy
583
00:29:29,090 --> 00:29:32,028
imagining making a suit
out of my skin.
584
00:29:32,029 --> 00:29:33,932
'Cause they're murderers.
585
00:29:33,933 --> 00:29:37,106
They already put the lotion
in the basket.
586
00:29:39,110 --> 00:29:42,282
Thank you.
587
00:29:46,424 --> 00:29:48,394
I don't even know what type
of massage I'm getting
588
00:29:48,395 --> 00:29:50,966
when I get a massage.
"Do you want a deep tissue,
589
00:29:50,967 --> 00:29:52,970
a shiatsu,
or a Swedish massage?"
590
00:29:52,971 --> 00:29:54,640
I'm like,
"I'll take the blonde."
591
00:29:54,641 --> 00:29:56,944
I don't know.
592
00:29:56,945 --> 00:29:58,982
'Cause men view massages
differently.
593
00:29:58,983 --> 00:30:00,952
A woman gets a massage
her friends are like,
594
00:30:00,953 --> 00:30:03,525
"Good for you."
A guy gets a massage,
595
00:30:03,526 --> 00:30:07,365
"You dirty dog, eh!"
596
00:30:07,366 --> 00:30:11,607
'Cause men sexualize
all human interaction.
597
00:30:11,608 --> 00:30:13,711
"It was a therapeutic massage."
598
00:30:13,712 --> 00:30:17,485
"How therapeutic?"
"Nothing happened."
599
00:30:17,486 --> 00:30:20,559
"Yeah, that's what
we'll tell your wife, huh?"
600
00:30:20,560 --> 00:30:23,430
That's gotta be frustrating
for massage therapists.
601
00:30:23,431 --> 00:30:26,470
That double meaning.
"Did you get a massage
602
00:30:26,471 --> 00:30:29,008
or a massage?"
603
00:30:29,009 --> 00:30:31,079
No other occupation
has to deal with it.
604
00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:35,122
"Did you get a cavity filled
or a cavity filled?"
605
00:30:36,992 --> 00:30:40,499
"How many dentistry references
is he gonna have?"
606
00:30:42,136 --> 00:30:46,109
For me, a massage is just
an hour of awkwardness, right?
607
00:30:46,110 --> 00:30:48,213
She gets done,
she leaves the room,
608
00:30:48,214 --> 00:30:49,917
I put on the robe,
I step outside,
609
00:30:49,918 --> 00:30:51,654
she hands me a glass of water.
610
00:30:51,655 --> 00:30:55,629
I always look at her and go,
"You're never gonna call me.
611
00:30:55,630 --> 00:30:58,768
What a charade."
612
00:30:58,769 --> 00:31:00,505
I did have
one massage therapist,
613
00:31:00,506 --> 00:31:03,277
she told me they're allowed
to turn people down.
614
00:31:03,278 --> 00:31:06,316
I don't know
why she told me that.
615
00:31:06,317 --> 00:31:08,988
It was after a show.
616
00:31:08,989 --> 00:31:10,391
Can you imagine getting
turned down
617
00:31:10,392 --> 00:31:13,297
by a massage therapist?
That's rough.
618
00:31:13,298 --> 00:31:16,804
"Yeah, you couldn't pay me
to touch you.
619
00:31:16,805 --> 00:31:20,311
Not for all the money
on the planet."
620
00:31:20,312 --> 00:31:23,283
Massages,
that's how some people relax.
621
00:31:23,284 --> 00:31:25,822
Some people relax
in a hot sauna.
622
00:31:25,823 --> 00:31:28,060
And sure,
who doesn't love recreating
623
00:31:28,061 --> 00:31:31,935
the feeling of being trapped
inside an active volcano?
624
00:31:33,204 --> 00:31:35,174
I don't understand
the appeal of a sauna.
625
00:31:35,175 --> 00:31:37,078
Here's every experience
I've had in a sauna.
626
00:31:37,079 --> 00:31:39,115
I'm like, "Okay,
I'm gonna get a sweat going",
627
00:31:39,116 --> 00:31:40,952
it's gonna be
really good for me.
628
00:31:40,953 --> 00:31:43,791
Here we go.
It's time to get out, right?
629
00:31:43,792 --> 00:31:46,129
"I don't wanna overdo it."
630
00:31:46,130 --> 00:31:49,904
What is so relaxing
about sitting in a hot box
631
00:31:49,905 --> 00:31:53,243
next to a pile
of smouldering rocks?
632
00:31:53,244 --> 00:31:56,951
I always look at the rocks like,
"Whoever's cookin' the rocks,"
633
00:31:56,952 --> 00:31:59,122
they're done.
634
00:31:59,123 --> 00:32:02,295
"That's a wrap
on the rock cookin'."
635
00:32:02,296 --> 00:32:04,299
And to make the sauna
more enjoyable,
636
00:32:04,300 --> 00:32:07,739
you're always seated next to
a naked, 80-year-old man.
637
00:32:07,740 --> 00:32:11,747
"Oh, good, I get to sweat
next to someone's grandpa
638
00:32:11,748 --> 00:32:15,522
who's only wearing
a hand towel."
639
00:32:15,523 --> 00:32:19,062
The nudity in the sauna
seems unnecessary.
640
00:32:19,063 --> 00:32:21,233
This isn't Rome.
641
00:32:22,637 --> 00:32:24,506
I just look around
the sauna like, "Wow..."
642
00:32:24,507 --> 00:32:27,379
so this is why
we wear clothes, huh?"
643
00:32:28,849 --> 00:32:30,986
So we may eventually eat.
644
00:32:32,557 --> 00:32:35,829
In Finland... In Finland
where they invented the sauna,
645
00:32:35,830 --> 00:32:39,469
they relax in Finland
by drinking vodka in the sauna.
646
00:32:39,470 --> 00:32:41,974
Which might explain why
we've never read
647
00:32:41,975 --> 00:32:44,813
any Finnish literature.
648
00:32:44,814 --> 00:32:46,584
Vodka in the sauna?
649
00:32:46,585 --> 00:32:49,723
Actually, the Fins,
they pronounce it, "Sao-na"
650
00:32:49,724 --> 00:32:52,328
'cause they're wasted.
651
00:32:52,329 --> 00:32:54,566
"You wanna go to the 'sao-na'
652
00:32:54,567 --> 00:32:57,371
and drink some 'bodka'?"
653
00:32:57,372 --> 00:33:00,077
Drinking vodka in a sauna?
654
00:33:00,078 --> 00:33:02,014
You know what kind of
ideas you come up with?
655
00:33:02,015 --> 00:33:04,186
An M&M store.
656
00:33:05,890 --> 00:33:09,062
Thank you.
657
00:33:12,570 --> 00:33:16,075
In Finland... In Finland,
I was invited to take a sauna.
658
00:33:16,076 --> 00:33:18,548
I was also invited
to go cross-country skiing
659
00:33:18,549 --> 00:33:21,755
and I could think is,
"Is fun illegal here?"
660
00:33:23,659 --> 00:33:27,866
Like what kind of antidepressant
do you have to be on
661
00:33:27,867 --> 00:33:30,972
to enjoy cross-country skiing?
662
00:33:30,973 --> 00:33:33,477
I can't believe
cross-country skiing's
663
00:33:33,478 --> 00:33:34,780
even a sport.
664
00:33:34,781 --> 00:33:37,619
"Hey, you know that awkward part
in downhill skiing"
665
00:33:37,620 --> 00:33:41,994
where you're trying
to get over to the lift?
666
00:33:41,995 --> 00:33:44,166
What if we just did that?
667
00:33:46,605 --> 00:33:48,542
Whoo!
668
00:33:49,844 --> 00:33:52,616
This is fun!
669
00:33:52,617 --> 00:33:55,287
And to turn around..."
"You know what?
670
00:33:55,288 --> 00:33:57,491
Don't turn around.
671
00:33:57,492 --> 00:33:59,664
"Let's go across the country."
672
00:34:02,803 --> 00:34:07,145
People who enjoy winter
seem mentally unstable.
673
00:34:08,247 --> 00:34:09,983
Right?
Some of those winter activities
674
00:34:09,984 --> 00:34:11,620
should get you committed.
675
00:34:11,621 --> 00:34:13,824
It's like, "Look, we love you,
we're just worried."
676
00:34:13,825 --> 00:34:15,762
I mean, yesterday we caught you
677
00:34:15,763 --> 00:34:18,099
walking through the woods
with tennis rackets
678
00:34:18,100 --> 00:34:21,507
tied to your feet.
679
00:34:21,508 --> 00:34:26,416
This morning, we saw you
sweeping the frozen lake.
680
00:34:26,417 --> 00:34:28,921
What's next?
You sitting in a sled
681
00:34:28,922 --> 00:34:32,161
being pulled by dogs?
682
00:34:32,162 --> 00:34:34,299
"Get some help."
683
00:34:36,236 --> 00:34:38,473
Oh, I did one of those
genetic tests.
684
00:34:38,474 --> 00:34:41,180
I was surprised to find out
I'm all Asian.
685
00:34:42,650 --> 00:34:44,653
You do learn things
from those genetic tests.
686
00:34:44,654 --> 00:34:48,159
Like I discovered
I wasted 100 bucks.
687
00:34:50,599 --> 00:34:52,836
They send you information.
Mine just said,
688
00:34:52,837 --> 00:34:54,973
"Dude, you're white."
689
00:34:54,974 --> 00:34:57,077
In fact, you're very white.
690
00:34:57,078 --> 00:35:00,250
"I hope you feel guilty."
691
00:35:00,251 --> 00:35:02,354
They didn't even break down
my nationality.
692
00:35:02,355 --> 00:35:04,158
They just highlighted
all the British Isles.
693
00:35:04,159 --> 00:35:06,864
They're like,
"You're trash from here.
694
00:35:06,865 --> 00:35:10,070
Wherever people need sunscreen."
695
00:35:10,071 --> 00:35:13,176
But what do we expect to learn
from these genetic tests?
696
00:35:13,177 --> 00:35:17,620
Like, "Oh, my gosh!
I'm related to my ancestors!"
697
00:35:19,056 --> 00:35:22,829
We're only gonna find out
bad news.
698
00:35:22,830 --> 00:35:24,165
You see it in the commercials.
699
00:35:24,166 --> 00:35:26,837
I thought I was Italian,
but it ends up,
700
00:35:26,838 --> 00:35:29,509
my great-grandma was a whore.
701
00:35:31,614 --> 00:35:35,087
So I guess I'm Eastern European.
702
00:35:35,088 --> 00:35:36,924
Sometimes people think
I'm saying.
703
00:35:36,925 --> 00:35:38,728
Eastern Europeans
are whores and...
704
00:35:38,729 --> 00:35:40,565
I am. No.
705
00:35:40,566 --> 00:35:44,271
My point is,
only good family news
706
00:35:44,272 --> 00:35:45,975
is passed along.
707
00:35:45,976 --> 00:35:48,914
Like, if your great-grandfather
was Abraham Lincoln,
708
00:35:48,915 --> 00:35:50,885
you'd already know that,
709
00:35:50,886 --> 00:35:54,526
but if your great-grandfather
was the town drunk,
710
00:35:54,527 --> 00:35:59,503
your grandpa's likely to go,
"Uh, I don't remember."
711
00:35:59,504 --> 00:36:02,141
I think he worked in a bar.
712
00:36:02,142 --> 00:36:04,713
"Chief gutter inspector."
713
00:36:04,714 --> 00:36:07,384
I do know I have
some Irish ancestry,
714
00:36:07,385 --> 00:36:10,257
but, apparently, the Irish
didn't keep great records
715
00:36:10,258 --> 00:36:12,630
'cause, well,
draw your own conclusion.
716
00:36:14,232 --> 00:36:18,139
Something tells me
they weren't busy sunbathing.
717
00:36:18,140 --> 00:36:20,645
I'm Irish,
but I have blonde hair.
718
00:36:20,646 --> 00:36:22,615
Supposedly, the only reason
the Irish
719
00:36:22,616 --> 00:36:26,590
have blonde or red hair
is 'cause the Vikings invaded,
720
00:36:26,591 --> 00:36:29,361
pillaged,
and probably other stuff.
721
00:36:29,362 --> 00:36:31,499
Those Vikings,
the Scandinavians,
722
00:36:31,500 --> 00:36:33,269
I don't know if
you've been to Sweden,
723
00:36:33,270 --> 00:36:35,975
it's like a whole country
of Scarlett Johanssons.
724
00:36:35,976 --> 00:36:38,514
If I was in Ireland at that
time, I would've been,
725
00:36:38,515 --> 00:36:41,018
"Oh, no, some Viking ladies
coming to pillage me."
726
00:36:41,019 --> 00:36:45,261
I guess I'll hide on this bed
covered in rose petals.
727
00:36:47,967 --> 00:36:52,174
Hopefully she can help me
put together that table.
728
00:37:00,926 --> 00:37:03,631
They say last names
can tell you something.
729
00:37:03,632 --> 00:37:05,735
Like if your last name
is Cooper,
730
00:37:05,736 --> 00:37:08,507
that means you probably had
an ancestor who made barrels.
731
00:37:08,508 --> 00:37:10,878
If your last name is Canter,
that means somebody
732
00:37:10,879 --> 00:37:12,347
along the line was a singer.
733
00:37:12,348 --> 00:37:15,955
My last name is Gaffigan,
which is Gaelic
734
00:37:15,956 --> 00:37:17,927
for "highly anxious."
735
00:37:19,931 --> 00:37:22,635
And when I learned that,
all I could feel was...
736
00:37:22,636 --> 00:37:25,273
highly anxious. I mean...
737
00:37:25,274 --> 00:37:29,248
how anxious do you have to be
for people to go,
738
00:37:29,249 --> 00:37:32,154
"You should go with it
as your name."
739
00:37:32,155 --> 00:37:34,491
"Why's that?"
740
00:37:34,492 --> 00:37:37,230
"That's what
we call you anyway."
741
00:37:37,231 --> 00:37:39,034
It does seem like
some last names
742
00:37:39,035 --> 00:37:40,538
were chosen to impress, right?
743
00:37:40,539 --> 00:37:42,179
You know, someone's like,
"You know what?"
744
00:37:42,203 --> 00:37:43,910
I want the ladies to know
I'm successful,
745
00:37:43,911 --> 00:37:47,184
so I'm gonna go with
the last name, 'Goldman.'
746
00:37:47,185 --> 00:37:48,887
Goldman,
what are you going with?
747
00:37:48,888 --> 00:37:50,859
"Weiner."
748
00:37:52,195 --> 00:37:55,601
"I want the ladies to know
I like hotdogs."
749
00:37:55,602 --> 00:37:58,239
But who knows?
Maybe last names mean nothing.
750
00:37:58,240 --> 00:37:59,642
You know,
where I'm from in Indiana,
751
00:37:59,643 --> 00:38:02,247
there is a guy who owns
an RV dealership
752
00:38:02,248 --> 00:38:05,621
and his name is Tom Raper.
753
00:38:05,622 --> 00:38:08,026
That's his name.
And there are billboards.
754
00:38:08,027 --> 00:38:10,898
"Come see Tom Raper."
755
00:38:10,899 --> 00:38:12,836
And people go.
756
00:38:14,139 --> 00:38:15,841
"Well, we should check it out."
757
00:38:15,842 --> 00:38:18,413
Now I don't know
why we would let someone
758
00:38:18,414 --> 00:38:21,285
named Raper sell RVs.
759
00:38:21,286 --> 00:38:24,960
They are essentially
mobile crime scenes.
760
00:38:26,631 --> 00:38:30,638
If my last name were Raper,
I wouldn't leave the house.
761
00:38:30,639 --> 00:38:32,174
How do you even
go out to dinner?
762
00:38:32,175 --> 00:38:35,180
"Party of two. Raper.
763
00:38:35,181 --> 00:38:38,486
Is there a Raper here?"
764
00:38:38,487 --> 00:38:40,056
Are there family reunions?
765
00:38:40,057 --> 00:38:42,795
"Are you a Raper? I'm a Raper."
766
00:38:42,796 --> 00:38:46,770
Is this your son?
He looks just like a Raper.
767
00:38:46,771 --> 00:38:49,743
"It's so fun getting
all the Rapers together."
768
00:38:52,381 --> 00:38:56,656
In Milwaukee, I stayed in
a hotel named The Fister.
769
00:38:56,657 --> 00:38:58,694
That was the name. The Fister.
770
00:38:58,695 --> 00:39:01,215
And... And, obviously, they were
sensitive to it sounding weird,
771
00:39:01,239 --> 00:39:05,975
so they added a P at the front.
So it was The Pfister.
772
00:39:05,976 --> 00:39:09,214
Hey, it worked
for Michelle Pfeiffer.
773
00:39:09,215 --> 00:39:13,590
And that hotel was started
by a man named Guido Pfister
774
00:39:13,591 --> 00:39:15,460
who thought,
"My name's Guido Pfister,
775
00:39:15,461 --> 00:39:18,867
why don't I go
into hospitality?"
776
00:39:18,868 --> 00:39:19,869
Guido Pfister?
777
00:39:19,870 --> 00:39:22,340
His name sounds like
an ethnic slur.
778
00:39:22,341 --> 00:39:26,015
"Get outta here,
you Guido Pfister!
779
00:39:26,016 --> 00:39:29,254
Go pfist somewhere else!"
780
00:39:35,334 --> 00:39:37,304
I don't know if you can tell
by looking at me,
781
00:39:37,305 --> 00:39:41,980
but I'm kinda obsessed with
not being interested in fashion.
782
00:39:41,981 --> 00:39:45,788
It's, uh, something I care
deeply not about.
783
00:39:45,789 --> 00:39:48,226
And I'm aware that
not being into fashion
784
00:39:48,227 --> 00:39:51,432
is a fashion choice, right?
How annoying is that?
785
00:39:51,433 --> 00:39:52,993
It's like,
"Oh, you're not into fashion?
786
00:39:53,017 --> 00:39:54,639
That means you're an norm core."
787
00:39:54,640 --> 00:39:56,710
Why can't I just wear clothes
788
00:39:56,711 --> 00:39:59,949
to cover my disgusting body?
789
00:39:59,950 --> 00:40:02,254
Why must it be a choice?
790
00:40:02,255 --> 00:40:05,393
'Cause the only choice I make
when it comes to clothing
791
00:40:05,394 --> 00:40:08,432
is "does it still fit me?"
792
00:40:08,433 --> 00:40:10,571
I don't know
if you've had an opportunity
793
00:40:10,572 --> 00:40:13,644
to fat out of clothes.
794
00:40:13,645 --> 00:40:16,950
That's a special feeling.
795
00:40:16,951 --> 00:40:19,421
There are watershed moments
in your life, right?
796
00:40:19,422 --> 00:40:21,225
When you hold your newborn child
797
00:40:21,226 --> 00:40:26,001
or you fat out of a T-shirt.
It's amazing 'cause you don't
798
00:40:26,002 --> 00:40:27,905
even go to the obvious
conclusion.
799
00:40:27,906 --> 00:40:30,911
You're like,
"Well, this shirt used to fit."
800
00:40:30,912 --> 00:40:34,284
I haven't grown
since I was a teenager.
801
00:40:34,285 --> 00:40:38,259
Oh! I'm a fatass!
802
00:40:38,260 --> 00:40:40,197
"Well, time for a burrito."
803
00:40:42,669 --> 00:40:45,006
The best is when you
pack for a trip
804
00:40:45,007 --> 00:40:47,477
and you fat out of clothes,
but you don't realize
805
00:40:47,478 --> 00:40:50,383
until you get there.
806
00:40:50,384 --> 00:40:51,953
You sit there and you go,
807
00:40:51,954 --> 00:40:54,424
"Well, I guess I can wear that
as long as I don't"
808
00:40:54,425 --> 00:40:57,497
breathe out...
809
00:40:57,498 --> 00:40:59,802
"or sit down."
810
00:40:59,803 --> 00:41:02,808
You ever wear a shirt
you can't sit down in?
811
00:41:02,809 --> 00:41:05,179
"Yeah, you know what?
I'm gonna stand."
812
00:41:05,180 --> 00:41:09,454
I know it's Thanksgiving.
I'm more thankful standing.
813
00:41:09,455 --> 00:41:10,991
"Better angle for carving."
814
00:41:10,992 --> 00:41:13,195
I still have all the clothes
that don't fit me.
815
00:41:13,196 --> 00:41:16,201
They're in my closet
in case I have a dramatic
816
00:41:16,202 --> 00:41:18,507
weight loss over a weekend.
817
00:41:18,508 --> 00:41:20,611
It's ridiculous.
It's like I'm curating
818
00:41:20,612 --> 00:41:22,915
an exhibit of my weight gain.
819
00:41:22,916 --> 00:41:25,921
"Well, that suit
was from 30 pounds ago"
820
00:41:25,922 --> 00:41:28,960
and that sweater was from
last winter
821
00:41:28,961 --> 00:41:33,670
"and this shirt...
This shirt never fit."
822
00:41:33,671 --> 00:41:35,541
Have you done that?
Have you bought clothes
823
00:41:35,542 --> 00:41:37,545
that don't fit
thinking that'll be
824
00:41:37,546 --> 00:41:40,216
the incentive to lose weight?
825
00:41:40,217 --> 00:41:41,857
It's like,
"Well, I've only gained weight"
826
00:41:41,881 --> 00:41:44,090
for the last 40 years,
827
00:41:44,091 --> 00:41:47,497
"maybe this shirt'll
turn it around."
828
00:41:47,498 --> 00:41:51,071
"How'd you lose weight?"
"I bought a shirt.
829
00:41:51,072 --> 00:41:53,375
It worked."
830
00:41:53,376 --> 00:41:55,781
No, fashion's kind of wasted
on me.
831
00:41:55,782 --> 00:41:57,383
You know, like,
those fashion shows.
832
00:41:57,384 --> 00:42:00,724
To me, fashion shows
just look like skinny tennagers
833
00:42:00,725 --> 00:42:03,095
walking around
in their parent's clothes
834
00:42:03,096 --> 00:42:05,033
looking for food.
835
00:42:17,057 --> 00:42:20,029
"Ma, there's no food out there.
836
00:42:20,030 --> 00:42:24,639
All right, I'll change
my outfit and look again."
837
00:42:24,640 --> 00:42:29,080
Fashion shows are rather absurd
when you consider
838
00:42:29,081 --> 00:42:32,320
they're just people
sitting around watching people
839
00:42:32,321 --> 00:42:34,792
walk around in clothes.
840
00:42:34,793 --> 00:42:38,867
Which is what people do
in clothes everyday.
841
00:42:38,868 --> 00:42:41,438
But at fashion shows,
they're so fascinated.
842
00:42:41,439 --> 00:42:43,008
They're like, "Oh, my gosh."
843
00:42:43,009 --> 00:42:47,686
Ooh, wow, look at that person
walk in clothes.
844
00:42:49,121 --> 00:42:51,826
How do they do it?
845
00:42:51,827 --> 00:42:55,702
"If only we could watch them
do laundry."
846
00:42:56,937 --> 00:42:58,807
And we all know
what a fashion show is
847
00:42:58,808 --> 00:43:00,644
'cause we've seen it on TV.
848
00:43:00,645 --> 00:43:02,113
In December they televise
849
00:43:02,114 --> 00:43:03,883
the Victoria's Secret
Fashion Show...
850
00:43:03,884 --> 00:43:05,988
Which is excellent, by the way.
851
00:43:05,989 --> 00:43:08,660
Well, that one's different
'cause there's angels.
852
00:43:08,661 --> 00:43:11,064
So there's a spiritual aspect...
853
00:43:11,065 --> 00:43:14,037
to the thongs their peddling.
854
00:43:14,038 --> 00:43:16,308
It's interesting.
All the models are beautiful.
855
00:43:16,309 --> 00:43:18,312
You ever notice that?
You're like, "Yeah, Jim",
856
00:43:18,313 --> 00:43:20,016
that's the point."
857
00:43:20,017 --> 00:43:22,554
No, but all the models...
They pick people that would look
858
00:43:22,555 --> 00:43:24,525
good in any clothing.
859
00:43:24,526 --> 00:43:26,328
Like, if you want me
to buy a suit,
860
00:43:26,329 --> 00:43:29,368
show me Michael Moore
looking good in it.
861
00:43:31,039 --> 00:43:32,975
And I'm not picking
on Michael Moore.
862
00:43:32,976 --> 00:43:34,945
I'm friends with him.
I like Michael Moore.
863
00:43:34,946 --> 00:43:37,350
And not just 'cause he proves
you don't need to shower
864
00:43:37,351 --> 00:43:39,855
to be famous.
865
00:43:39,856 --> 00:43:41,826
You ever see Michael Moore
on television?
866
00:43:41,827 --> 00:43:46,201
He looks like he's been robbed
of everything he owns.
867
00:43:46,202 --> 00:43:49,608
"Are you the victim
of a shipwreck?"
868
00:43:49,609 --> 00:43:52,815
What happened?!
Pull it together!
869
00:43:52,816 --> 00:43:55,252
You won an Academy Award!
870
00:43:55,253 --> 00:44:00,697
"Stop shopping
at the lost and found!"
871
00:44:00,698 --> 00:44:03,235
But I understand
Michael Moore's mentality.
872
00:44:03,236 --> 00:44:05,139
Fashion's not gonna
change his life.
873
00:44:05,140 --> 00:44:07,043
It's not gonna change my life.
874
00:44:07,044 --> 00:44:10,015
I look the same whether I'm
wearing a T-shirt or a tux.
875
00:44:10,016 --> 00:44:13,155
I still look like someone
who eats fast food.
876
00:44:13,156 --> 00:44:16,094
Probably 'cause I do
eat fast food.
877
00:44:16,095 --> 00:44:18,733
I look the way I look.
Look, I didn't vote for Trump,
878
00:44:18,734 --> 00:44:20,534
but I walked around
New York City and everyone
879
00:44:20,558 --> 00:44:22,407
the week after the election
looked at me like,
880
00:44:22,408 --> 00:44:25,747
"You did it! You did it!"
881
00:44:25,748 --> 00:44:28,452
And I was like,
"I didn't do it!"
882
00:44:28,453 --> 00:44:31,827
But after a couple days
I was like, "Did I do it?"
883
00:44:34,198 --> 00:44:37,203
I know people are scared
about Trump being president,
884
00:44:37,204 --> 00:44:39,742
but I can tell you,
as a straight, white male,
885
00:44:39,743 --> 00:44:42,916
I feel like I'll be okay.
886
00:44:50,197 --> 00:44:54,605
My wife hates that joke
and I love her,
887
00:44:54,606 --> 00:44:57,310
but not enough
to get rid of that joke.
888
00:44:57,311 --> 00:45:00,784
I would do anything for my wife
I'm aware of that.
889
00:45:00,785 --> 00:45:02,621
But there are people
that are more romantic.
890
00:45:02,622 --> 00:45:07,865
Prince Edward abdicated
his right to the English throne
891
00:45:07,866 --> 00:45:09,334
for the woman he loved.
892
00:45:09,335 --> 00:45:10,837
Isn't that unbelievable?
893
00:45:10,838 --> 00:45:13,442
He was forced to choose between
the woman he loved
894
00:45:13,443 --> 00:45:15,814
or being King of England,
895
00:45:15,815 --> 00:45:19,287
and that idiot...
896
00:45:19,288 --> 00:45:22,126
chose the broad.
897
00:45:22,127 --> 00:45:24,732
Now I'm sure in that moment
it was the right decision
898
00:45:24,733 --> 00:45:26,134
and I'm happily married,
899
00:45:26,135 --> 00:45:28,606
but even in
the best relationship,
900
00:45:28,607 --> 00:45:30,877
each person has thoughts
where they go,
901
00:45:30,878 --> 00:45:33,983
"I've made an enormous mistake."
902
00:45:33,984 --> 00:45:35,720
But we never thought,
903
00:45:35,721 --> 00:45:38,927
"I could've been
King of England."
904
00:45:38,928 --> 00:45:42,801
Do you think Prince Edward
really ever got over that?
905
00:45:42,802 --> 00:45:44,404
Every time he had
to empty the trash,
906
00:45:44,405 --> 00:45:46,441
he was like,
"A King of England doesn't have"
907
00:45:46,442 --> 00:45:49,147
to empty the trash!
908
00:45:49,148 --> 00:45:53,323
"The King of England can chat
with his ex on Facebook!"
909
00:45:56,095 --> 00:45:58,933
Can you imagine
what kind of news event
910
00:45:58,934 --> 00:46:01,939
that abdication was in the U.K.?
911
00:46:01,940 --> 00:46:03,910
There must've been,
"He's gone mad.
912
00:46:03,911 --> 00:46:06,382
We should get him to hospital."
913
00:46:08,086 --> 00:46:11,793
"Jim, your British accent
is getting worse."
914
00:46:12,962 --> 00:46:14,832
Why wouldn't you take
five minutes
915
00:46:14,833 --> 00:46:16,936
and learn a good accent?
916
00:46:16,937 --> 00:46:21,513
"It's just lazy. It's just lazy."
917
00:46:22,982 --> 00:46:24,518
My wife's pretty amazing.
918
00:46:24,519 --> 00:46:26,719
She is better at things
and I'm not ashamed to say that.
919
00:46:26,743 --> 00:46:29,248
Like, her guilt trip, legendary.
920
00:46:30,330 --> 00:46:32,734
My wife is half Catholic,
half Jewish,
921
00:46:32,735 --> 00:46:35,774
so her guilt trip is like
a superpower.
922
00:46:35,775 --> 00:46:38,011
I walk in a room,
she looks at me,
923
00:46:38,012 --> 00:46:40,482
and I feel horrible.
924
00:46:40,483 --> 00:46:42,420
And that's called love.
925
00:46:42,421 --> 00:46:44,525
We've been together so long
I will get angry
926
00:46:44,526 --> 00:46:48,031
about a guilt trip
she hasn't even given me yet.
927
00:46:48,032 --> 00:46:49,992
I'll be like, "I'm gonna watch
the football game."
928
00:46:50,016 --> 00:46:50,937
She's like, "Okay."
929
00:46:50,938 --> 00:46:53,811
And I'm like,
"'Cause I want to!"
930
00:47:00,023 --> 00:47:01,992
I'm always in trouble
with my wife
931
00:47:01,993 --> 00:47:04,397
'cause I'm selfish,
I'm lazy, insensitive,
932
00:47:04,398 --> 00:47:06,202
and a bunch of other stuff.
She rattles on.
933
00:47:07,605 --> 00:47:10,409
And I understand being
in trouble for stuff I've done,
934
00:47:10,410 --> 00:47:14,551
but sometimes I get in trouble
for stuff other men have done.
935
00:47:14,552 --> 00:47:18,024
Once I got in trouble for
something a guy did in a movie.
936
00:47:18,025 --> 00:47:20,295
I was watching a movie
with my wife
937
00:47:20,296 --> 00:47:23,068
and in the movie there was
this married guy with children
938
00:47:23,069 --> 00:47:26,007
who left his family
for a 20-year-old woman
939
00:47:26,008 --> 00:47:28,880
and I knew in that moment
I should sleep on the couch.
940
00:47:32,354 --> 00:47:34,290
And the movie ended
and my wife looked at me
941
00:47:34,291 --> 00:47:37,096
and she was like,
"Why would someone do that?"
942
00:47:37,097 --> 00:47:40,571
And I was like,
"Uh, it... it was in the script?"
943
00:47:42,001 --> 00:47:43,241
I didn't say that. I just said,
944
00:47:43,242 --> 00:47:46,347
"Where do you want me to sleep?"
945
00:47:46,348 --> 00:47:48,285
I hope it doesn't sound
like I'm picking on her
946
00:47:48,286 --> 00:47:50,055
'cause I'm grateful to have her
in my life.
947
00:47:50,056 --> 00:47:51,592
It's nice to have a partner.
948
00:47:51,593 --> 00:47:53,729
Someone looking out for you,
you look out for them.
949
00:47:53,730 --> 00:47:57,069
Like I did two weeks of shows
out of town in December
950
00:47:57,070 --> 00:47:59,473
and when I came home,
my wife informed me that she
951
00:47:59,474 --> 00:48:03,081
made me an appointment
for the gastroenterologist.
952
00:48:03,082 --> 00:48:05,052
If you're unfamiliar,
that's the doctor
953
00:48:05,053 --> 00:48:07,691
that sticks the camera
up your butt.
954
00:48:07,692 --> 00:48:09,460
I mean, they do other things,
955
00:48:09,461 --> 00:48:12,166
but that's what
they're famous for.
956
00:48:12,167 --> 00:48:15,940
That's probably how they
attract people to the field.
957
00:48:15,941 --> 00:48:17,911
"You like photography?"
958
00:48:20,149 --> 00:48:23,122
"Then I got a job
that you're gonna love!"
959
00:48:25,226 --> 00:48:27,429
I didn't ask my wife
to set up this appointment.
960
00:48:27,430 --> 00:48:29,400
I wasn't sick.
I didn't have any symptoms.
961
00:48:29,401 --> 00:48:31,639
She just did it 'cause
she was looking out for me.
962
00:48:31,640 --> 00:48:34,000
So she casually brought it up.
She goes, "Just so you know",
963
00:48:34,024 --> 00:48:36,247
I made you an appointment
for the gastroenterologist.
964
00:48:36,248 --> 00:48:40,022
And I said, "Just so you know,
I won't be going."
965
00:48:40,023 --> 00:48:41,303
She's like,
"Why wouldn't you go?
966
00:48:41,327 --> 00:48:42,426
It's just a consultation."
967
00:48:42,427 --> 00:48:44,330
I said,
"Well, it's the principle."
968
00:48:44,331 --> 00:48:46,602
I'm an adult.
I make my own decisions.
969
00:48:46,603 --> 00:48:48,071
"Thank you."
970
00:48:48,072 --> 00:48:50,710
Anyway, so I'm at
the gastroenterologist...
971
00:48:53,684 --> 00:48:56,722
The doctor starts to describe
the procedure
972
00:48:56,723 --> 00:48:58,723
and I said, "Look,
I should probably let you know",
973
00:48:58,747 --> 00:49:02,466
I don't really enjoy
getting my picture taken.
974
00:49:02,467 --> 00:49:04,671
I would be open
to an ultrasound,
975
00:49:04,672 --> 00:49:06,775
I think a lot of men
are curious what the jelly
976
00:49:06,776 --> 00:49:10,148
"on the belly feels like."
977
00:49:10,149 --> 00:49:12,520
Anyway, the doctor,
he didn't think it was funny.
978
00:49:12,521 --> 00:49:16,962
And I knew it was
precautionary, so I agreed.
979
00:49:16,963 --> 00:49:18,683
So he went over
to his computer and he goes,
980
00:49:18,684 --> 00:49:20,387
"All right,
my next available appointment
981
00:49:20,388 --> 00:49:22,807
is in three months."
I was like, "Three months?!"
982
00:49:22,808 --> 00:49:24,377
This was in December.
983
00:49:24,378 --> 00:49:26,114
I didn't know if I wanted
this procedure
984
00:49:26,115 --> 00:49:28,819
hanging over my head
during the holidays.
985
00:49:28,820 --> 00:49:30,422
"Jim, you want
another piece of pie?"
986
00:49:30,423 --> 00:49:33,161
"No, I'm getting
a camera up my butt."
987
00:49:33,162 --> 00:49:35,165
I don't want some
team of doctors to be like,
988
00:49:35,166 --> 00:49:38,238
'Wow, this guy loves pie.
989
00:49:38,239 --> 00:49:41,412
"Barry, get out here.
He's got half a pie up there.'"
990
00:49:43,282 --> 00:49:47,122
I didn't know what could delay
this important procedure,
991
00:49:47,123 --> 00:49:48,826
but part of me
didn't want to find out.
992
00:49:48,827 --> 00:49:50,462
I didn't want the doctor
to be like,
993
00:49:50,463 --> 00:49:52,934
"Well, the real delay is finding
someone to clean the camera."
994
00:49:52,935 --> 00:49:54,538
That takes forever.
995
00:49:54,539 --> 00:49:56,542
Turnover in that position
is insane, you know?
996
00:49:56,543 --> 00:49:58,311
People do it once
and they're like,
997
00:49:58,312 --> 00:50:01,518
"'You know what?
I'm going back on food stamps.'"
998
00:50:01,519 --> 00:50:04,591
Then I was thinking,
maybe it's the doctor.
999
00:50:04,592 --> 00:50:07,062
Maybe he's like, "Dude,
I can only do this procedure"
1000
00:50:07,063 --> 00:50:10,068
once a month.
Then I gotta take a week off,
1001
00:50:10,069 --> 00:50:11,738
sit on the beach, and ask myself.
1002
00:50:11,739 --> 00:50:14,778
'Why keep sticking cameras
up people's butts?'
1003
00:50:14,779 --> 00:50:18,118
"I could've been a dentist."
1004
00:50:18,119 --> 00:50:21,391
"Again with
the dental reference."
1005
00:50:22,494 --> 00:50:24,497
But in February
I had the procedure
1006
00:50:24,498 --> 00:50:27,236
and I think every man in here
should get a colonoscopy
1007
00:50:27,237 --> 00:50:30,242
because I had to.
1008
00:50:30,243 --> 00:50:32,614
It's not an easy decision
'cause the best news
1009
00:50:32,615 --> 00:50:35,252
you can find out from getting
a camera stuck up your butt
1010
00:50:35,253 --> 00:50:37,322
is learning you didn't need
to have a camera
1011
00:50:37,323 --> 00:50:41,130
stuck up your butt.
That's the best news.
1012
00:50:41,131 --> 00:50:44,103
"Yeah, we didn't need
to do that.
1013
00:50:44,104 --> 00:50:48,078
We can just chalk that up,
one for fun."
1014
00:50:51,084 --> 00:50:52,687
And the day before
the procedure,
1015
00:50:52,688 --> 00:50:54,089
you can't eat anything.
1016
00:50:54,090 --> 00:50:56,394
And I'm a total pig,
so it was terrifying.
1017
00:50:56,395 --> 00:50:58,398
But after I was awake
for five hours
1018
00:50:58,399 --> 00:51:00,636
and I hadn't eaten anything,
I wasn't hungry.
1019
00:51:00,637 --> 00:51:02,707
I was suicidal.
1020
00:51:02,708 --> 00:51:04,443
I was so bored.
I was like, "What am I"
1021
00:51:04,444 --> 00:51:07,149
supposed to sit here
and feel feelings?"
1022
00:51:07,150 --> 00:51:09,854
And then at noon
and at 6:00 p.m.
1023
00:51:09,855 --> 00:51:11,290
you have to drink this serum
1024
00:51:11,291 --> 00:51:13,629
that I believe is made by
a collaboration
1025
00:51:13,630 --> 00:51:17,269
of ex-lax and Taco Bell.
1026
00:51:17,270 --> 00:51:19,808
Printed on the side of the serum
it should've just said,
1027
00:51:19,809 --> 00:51:23,014
"Drink this in the bathroom.
1028
00:51:23,015 --> 00:51:27,155
Might wanna grab a pillow
and a book."
1029
00:51:27,156 --> 00:51:31,665
'Cause I tell ya,
I've had diarrhea before...
1030
00:51:31,666 --> 00:51:33,306
This is the point where everyone
acts like
1031
00:51:33,330 --> 00:51:34,804
they've never had diarrhea.
1032
00:51:34,805 --> 00:51:37,777
"I don't even know what
Jim's talking about. Do you?"
1033
00:51:37,778 --> 00:51:40,516
Yeah, I'm the only one
who's had diarrhea...
1034
00:51:40,517 --> 00:51:42,954
in a hotel hot tub. Okay.
1035
00:51:44,290 --> 00:51:47,329
Like we're at the same hotel.
1036
00:51:47,330 --> 00:51:51,303
No, I've had diarrhea.
I don't wanna brag.
1037
00:51:51,304 --> 00:51:54,009
No, I've had diarrhea,
but calling what this serum did
1038
00:51:54,010 --> 00:51:58,719
to my body "diarrhea" is
an insult to the word diarrhea.
1039
00:51:58,720 --> 00:52:03,327
My body made noises
I didn't know existed.
1040
00:52:03,328 --> 00:52:06,568
At one point I thought
I stepped on a puppy.
1041
00:52:09,608 --> 00:52:12,880
I was in the bathroom for hours.
1042
00:52:12,881 --> 00:52:15,351
For hours. Checking email...
1043
00:52:15,352 --> 00:52:19,159
Ignoring phone calls
'cause serum or not,
1044
00:52:19,160 --> 00:52:21,464
you can't answer the phone
in the bathroom
1045
00:52:21,465 --> 00:52:23,736
'cause you can't hide the fact
you're in the bathroom
1046
00:52:23,737 --> 00:52:25,706
'cause there's an echo.
1047
00:52:25,707 --> 00:52:28,545
"Are you in a well?"
"Yes! Yes, I'm down here
1048
00:52:28,546 --> 00:52:30,950
in a well. No kids in this well!
1049
00:52:30,951 --> 00:52:33,756
"Making sure no kids fell in."
1050
00:52:33,757 --> 00:52:36,962
But I kept getting this call
from the doctor's office
1051
00:52:36,963 --> 00:52:39,399
and I thought there might be
important information
1052
00:52:39,400 --> 00:52:42,273
like someone saying,
"Do not drink the serum!"
1053
00:52:43,610 --> 00:52:45,513
So I answered it
and it was just someone
1054
00:52:45,514 --> 00:52:47,550
confirming the appointment
and I don't know how
1055
00:52:47,551 --> 00:52:50,355
someone's supposed to sound
when they confirm a colonoscopy,
1056
00:52:50,356 --> 00:52:52,058
but this person
was really casual.
1057
00:52:52,059 --> 00:52:54,597
They're like, "Hey, how are you?"
1058
00:52:54,598 --> 00:52:56,768
So, we're gonna
see you tomorrow?"
1059
00:52:56,769 --> 00:53:00,275
I'm like, "What?
Are we having brunch?"
1060
00:53:00,276 --> 00:53:03,715
I thought I was getting
a camera up my butt."
1061
00:53:03,716 --> 00:53:06,655
She gave me the address.
The next morning I went there.
1062
00:53:06,656 --> 00:53:08,224
It wasn't at a hospital
or a clinic,
1063
00:53:08,225 --> 00:53:09,561
it was at some building.
1064
00:53:09,562 --> 00:53:12,399
Just picture where you imagine
the Black Market
1065
00:53:12,400 --> 00:53:15,471
would harvest human organs.
1066
00:53:15,472 --> 00:53:17,142
"What am I doing here?"
1067
00:53:17,143 --> 00:53:18,879
And I took an elevator
to the basement.
1068
00:53:18,880 --> 00:53:21,852
There was this huge space
with all these makeshift rooms
1069
00:53:21,853 --> 00:53:24,456
with shower curtains.
And I was let into one.
1070
00:53:24,457 --> 00:53:26,160
There was all this talking...
You know when you're nervous
1071
00:53:26,161 --> 00:53:28,521
and you think you hear things?
I thought I heard someone go,
1072
00:53:28,545 --> 00:53:31,571
"I can't believe he's here.
1073
00:53:31,572 --> 00:53:35,078
I want his kidney."
And I was terrified.
1074
00:53:35,079 --> 00:53:37,215
And then eventually
an anesthesiologist walked in,
1075
00:53:37,216 --> 00:53:38,652
he gave me a shot and he goes,
1076
00:53:38,653 --> 00:53:40,388
"Just wanna go through
what's gonna happen."
1077
00:53:40,389 --> 00:53:41,958
Right now I'm giving you
some medicine
1078
00:53:41,959 --> 00:53:43,494
which will knock you out
1079
00:53:43,495 --> 00:53:46,200
and when you wake up,
you won't remember anything.
1080
00:53:46,201 --> 00:53:48,305
"You okay with that?"
1081
00:53:49,608 --> 00:53:51,608
And against every instinct
in my body, I just went,
1082
00:53:51,632 --> 00:53:53,769
"Okay."
1083
00:53:54,513 --> 00:53:56,153
And the last memory I had
is just watching
1084
00:53:56,154 --> 00:53:59,226
the anesthesiologist leave
the room as I heard someone go,
1085
00:53:59,227 --> 00:54:02,733
"I want his spleen."
1086
00:54:02,734 --> 00:54:04,704
And I woke up and I was fine.
1087
00:54:04,705 --> 00:54:06,809
I mean, I'm pregnant,
but I'm fine.
1088
00:54:10,550 --> 00:54:12,385
I'm not pregnant. My wife?
1089
00:54:12,386 --> 00:54:14,389
I haven't talked to her
in an hour.
1090
00:54:14,390 --> 00:54:16,460
You know, and...
But we got five kids
1091
00:54:16,461 --> 00:54:18,532
and that seems like a lot.
1092
00:54:18,533 --> 00:54:21,838
And, frankly, it's too many.
1093
00:54:21,839 --> 00:54:24,510
It's... It is a lot,
but what am I gonna do now?
1094
00:54:24,511 --> 00:54:28,351
It's not like they come
with free return shipping.
1095
00:54:28,352 --> 00:54:30,556
I love... I love having five kids.
1096
00:54:30,557 --> 00:54:32,860
I travel with them 'cause
I don't wanna be away from 'em
1097
00:54:32,861 --> 00:54:36,433
and also I enjoy the look
on waitstaff's faces
1098
00:54:36,434 --> 00:54:38,672
when I walk in with my family.
1099
00:54:38,673 --> 00:54:42,479
'Cause my kids are five, six,
eight, eleven, and thirteen.
1100
00:54:42,480 --> 00:54:44,884
And we walked
into a restaurant in Dallas
1101
00:54:44,885 --> 00:54:47,322
and I saw a waitress look at me
and my family
1102
00:54:47,323 --> 00:54:50,495
and quit her job.
1103
00:54:50,496 --> 00:54:52,376
I mean, she could've been
getting off her shift,
1104
00:54:52,400 --> 00:54:55,739
I just saw her look at us
and throw down her apron
1105
00:54:55,740 --> 00:54:58,411
and storm off.
1106
00:54:58,412 --> 00:55:00,550
And I felt like we won.
1107
00:55:01,585 --> 00:55:03,220
But I like being a dad,
you know?
1108
00:55:03,221 --> 00:55:06,594
It's... I try to do one-on-one
time with each of my kids,
1109
00:55:06,595 --> 00:55:09,700
but it's hard 'cause I travel
and there's a lot of 'em.
1110
00:55:09,701 --> 00:55:13,407
So sometimes that special
Daddy and Me time
1111
00:55:13,408 --> 00:55:16,246
is just doing something
mundane like going with me
1112
00:55:16,247 --> 00:55:17,883
to the Post Office.
1113
00:55:17,884 --> 00:55:20,221
It's like, "That's right,
buddy, just you and me"
1114
00:55:20,222 --> 00:55:25,231
going to find out why we got
this damn slip on our door.
1115
00:55:25,232 --> 00:55:27,636
"Stick that in the memory bank."
1116
00:55:27,637 --> 00:55:31,511
"My dad,
always making time for me."
1117
00:55:31,512 --> 00:55:34,684
Squeezing me into errands.
1118
00:55:34,685 --> 00:55:37,656
I remember walking
to the Post Office and listening
1119
00:55:37,657 --> 00:55:41,463
to him bitch and moan
about the Federal Government.
1120
00:55:41,464 --> 00:55:43,636
"What a guy."
1121
00:55:45,038 --> 00:55:48,043
I try to be a good dad.
I got my kids a dog.
1122
00:55:48,044 --> 00:55:49,881
I rescued a dog.
1123
00:55:49,882 --> 00:55:52,520
Thank you. Thank you.
1124
00:55:52,521 --> 00:55:55,659
Well, it's not like
the dog was drowning.
1125
00:55:55,660 --> 00:55:58,030
The dog wasn't a victim
of sex trafficking.
1126
00:55:58,031 --> 00:55:59,834
I just went in a building,
gave a guy money,
1127
00:55:59,835 --> 00:56:03,107
and got a dog.
That's how I rescued it.
1128
00:56:03,108 --> 00:56:05,012
After that I rescued a pizza.
1129
00:56:07,984 --> 00:56:11,123
I actually... I had to wait
to rescue the dog
1130
00:56:11,124 --> 00:56:12,593
'cause the dog was in Jamaica.
1131
00:56:12,594 --> 00:56:15,732
I don't know if it was
on vacation.
1132
00:56:15,733 --> 00:56:19,206
But I rescued a dog
from paradise
1133
00:56:19,207 --> 00:56:21,443
so it could live in my crowded.
1134
00:56:21,444 --> 00:56:23,314
New York City apartment.
1135
00:56:23,315 --> 00:56:26,153
Sometimes I put the leash on
the dog and it looks at me like,
1136
00:56:26,154 --> 00:56:28,091
"I used to run on the beach..."
1137
00:56:30,597 --> 00:56:33,835
And now I sleep in a cage.
1138
00:56:33,836 --> 00:56:36,976
"My only hope is that one day
you'll get rescued."
1139
00:56:39,648 --> 00:56:42,452
But "rescue" is the language
of today, right?
1140
00:56:42,453 --> 00:56:43,855
We mean adoption.
1141
00:56:43,856 --> 00:56:45,692
Now, people don't even say
they own dogs.
1142
00:56:45,693 --> 00:56:47,663
Now people say
they're a dog parent,
1143
00:56:47,664 --> 00:56:50,034
but I feel like dogs
are different from kids.
1144
00:56:50,035 --> 00:56:52,275
Like, you never hear a parent
say, "You know, my son had"
1145
00:56:52,299 --> 00:56:54,577
some behavior problems,
so we gave him to a friend
1146
00:56:54,578 --> 00:56:56,848
who had a farm upstate.
1147
00:56:56,849 --> 00:56:59,286
You know,
that way he could run around
1148
00:56:59,287 --> 00:57:02,158
"and we'll visit him
on weekends."
1149
00:57:02,159 --> 00:57:04,462
"Jim, you're a monster."
1150
00:57:04,463 --> 00:57:07,001
I'm no saint, but nobody is.
1151
00:57:07,002 --> 00:57:08,905
Nobody even goes
for saint today, right?
1152
00:57:08,906 --> 00:57:10,842
There's no saints.
Nobody's like,
1153
00:57:10,843 --> 00:57:13,147
"You know what I'm thinking
of, uh, I'm either gonna go
1154
00:57:13,148 --> 00:57:15,552
graphic design or saint."
1155
00:57:15,553 --> 00:57:18,123
Nobody goes for it
'cause, well, there are...
1156
00:57:18,124 --> 00:57:19,492
There are Latter Day Saints.
1157
00:57:19,493 --> 00:57:21,531
There's Mormons.
I love the Mormons.
1158
00:57:21,532 --> 00:57:23,133
I don't know
what Latter Day means.
1159
00:57:23,134 --> 00:57:26,708
Maybe that means they're,
like, devient till 3:00 p.m.
1160
00:57:26,709 --> 00:57:28,611
They're like,
"Well, kids are coming home,"
1161
00:57:28,612 --> 00:57:32,018
let's get out of these
S&M outfits, honey.
1162
00:57:32,019 --> 00:57:34,623
"Back in khakis."
1163
00:57:34,624 --> 00:57:37,195
I'm talking about
the traditional Catholic
1164
00:57:37,196 --> 00:57:38,832
sense of a... of a saint.
1165
00:57:38,833 --> 00:57:41,738
Nobody goes for saint anymore
'cause it's too hard.
1166
00:57:41,739 --> 00:57:43,575
To be considered
a Catholic Saint
1167
00:57:43,576 --> 00:57:45,579
you have to perform
two miracles.
1168
00:57:45,580 --> 00:57:47,616
I don't know why it's two.
1169
00:57:47,617 --> 00:57:49,137
It's not like half of us
would be like,
1170
00:57:49,161 --> 00:57:51,524
"You know, if it was one
I'd go for it.
1171
00:57:51,525 --> 00:57:54,664
Yeah, 'cause I can do
that thing with my elbow."
1172
00:57:56,869 --> 00:58:00,141
It's not like one miracle's
not impressive.
1173
00:58:00,142 --> 00:58:02,679
You're never in a job interview,
"Let's see here,"
1174
00:58:02,680 --> 00:58:06,486
special skills, walk on water,
Microsoft Word.
1175
00:58:06,487 --> 00:58:09,927
"Tell me about
the Microsoft Word."
1176
00:58:09,928 --> 00:58:11,964
Actually,
where I live in New York City
1177
00:58:11,965 --> 00:58:14,436
is where the soon to be first.
1178
00:58:14,437 --> 00:58:16,641
African-American Saint
is buried.
1179
00:58:16,642 --> 00:58:20,281
His name was Pierre Toussaint
and he was a hairdresser.
1180
00:58:20,282 --> 00:58:22,786
I didn't even know you could be
a hairdresser and a saint,
1181
00:58:22,787 --> 00:58:25,024
but he, apparently,
got done cutting people's hair
1182
00:58:25,025 --> 00:58:27,597
and they were like,
"This is a miracle."
1183
00:58:28,699 --> 00:58:30,702
And he was a great man.
1184
00:58:30,703 --> 00:58:32,338
And he'll... he'll be a saint.
1185
00:58:32,339 --> 00:58:35,211
He'll probably be the
Patron Saint of Hairdressers.
1186
00:58:35,212 --> 00:58:37,549
You know, 'cause saints,
they're in charge of things.
1187
00:58:37,550 --> 00:58:39,150
Like, "You're in charge
of hairdressers",
1188
00:58:39,174 --> 00:58:40,755
you're in charge
of lost objects,
1189
00:58:40,756 --> 00:58:42,793
"St. Patrick,
you're in charge of Ireland."
1190
00:58:42,794 --> 00:58:45,130
St. Patrick,
Patron Saint of Ireland.
1191
00:58:45,131 --> 00:58:49,707
Every March 17th we honor
St. Patrick by getting wasted.
1192
00:58:49,708 --> 00:58:51,978
Right?
1193
00:58:51,979 --> 00:58:53,848
But we don't know.
We don't know.
1194
00:58:53,849 --> 00:58:55,652
St. Patrick could be
up in heaven going,
1195
00:58:55,653 --> 00:58:58,725
"I didn't even drink.
What are these people doing?"
1196
00:58:58,726 --> 00:59:03,601
I like the color blue.
I made that very clear.
1197
00:59:03,602 --> 00:59:07,408
Can someone remind God
I'm from Italy?
1198
00:59:07,409 --> 00:59:08,811
I don't wanna
rock the boat here,
1199
00:59:08,812 --> 00:59:12,653
"but these Irish
are degenerates."
1200
00:59:12,654 --> 00:59:14,723
'Cause they don't get to choose
1201
00:59:14,724 --> 00:59:16,994
what they're
the Patron Saint of, right?
1202
00:59:16,995 --> 00:59:20,401
Like St. Bonaventure?
Patron Saint of bowel issues.
1203
00:59:20,402 --> 00:59:22,438
I'm not making that up.
1204
00:59:22,439 --> 00:59:23,942
Bowel issues.
1205
00:59:23,943 --> 00:59:27,114
Talk about a promotion
you don't want.
1206
00:59:27,115 --> 00:59:29,452
Bonaventure's in heaven,
St. Peter comes and goes,
1207
00:59:29,453 --> 00:59:32,158
"Bonaventure, you're a saint."
Bonaventure's like, "Yes!
1208
00:59:32,159 --> 00:59:35,197
Yes! Am I
the Patron Saint of Scholars?"
1209
00:59:35,198 --> 00:59:37,034
"Not scholars."
1210
00:59:37,035 --> 00:59:38,738
"Wha... What am I
the Patron Saint of?"
1211
00:59:38,739 --> 00:59:42,144
"Bowel issues." "Bowel issues?"
1212
00:59:42,145 --> 00:59:45,284
"Yeah, you know when someone's
getting a colonoscopy"
1213
00:59:45,285 --> 00:59:47,723
or say they're sitting
on the toilet with I.B.S.
1214
00:59:47,724 --> 00:59:50,895
or explosive diarrhea
praying to God.
1215
00:59:50,896 --> 00:59:53,968
Well, we don't want them
praying directly to God.
1216
00:59:53,969 --> 00:59:57,408
So... you would be
like a conduit.
1217
00:59:57,409 --> 01:00:01,985
"That way God's not talking to
someone who's doing number two."
1218
01:00:05,158 --> 01:00:08,030
"Uh, okay."
1219
01:00:08,031 --> 01:00:09,767
'Course I'm talking about
Catholic Saints
1220
01:00:09,768 --> 01:00:11,837
'cause I'm Catholic.
I'm not a good Catholic.
1221
01:00:11,838 --> 01:00:13,440
Like, if there was a test
for Catholics,
1222
01:00:13,441 --> 01:00:14,777
I would fail.
1223
01:00:14,778 --> 01:00:16,614
But, then again,
most Catholics would fail.
1224
01:00:16,615 --> 01:00:19,621
Which is probably why
there's not a test.
1225
01:00:20,923 --> 01:00:23,293
But since I'm Catholic
and I'm a comedian,
1226
01:00:23,294 --> 01:00:27,134
I was asked to open for the Pope
when he visited America.
1227
01:00:27,135 --> 01:00:30,675
And before you're impressed,
it didn't go well.
1228
01:00:30,676 --> 01:00:33,748
Like, I opened for the Pope, but
the Pope wasn't sitting there
1229
01:00:33,749 --> 01:00:35,852
like, "Ha ha ha ha."
1230
01:00:35,853 --> 01:00:37,556
I don't know
how the Pope laughs.
1231
01:00:37,557 --> 01:00:40,595
Hopefully not like
Jabba the Hutt.
1232
01:00:40,596 --> 01:00:44,135
But I did 15 minutes of stand-up
and then the popemobile
1233
01:00:44,136 --> 01:00:47,509
drove into this
outdoor amphitheatre space.
1234
01:00:47,510 --> 01:00:49,947
I opened for an automobile.
1235
01:00:49,948 --> 01:00:53,320
And that's not even the first
time I've opened for a car.
1236
01:00:53,321 --> 01:00:56,259
I had to cut my honeymoon short
so that I could perform
1237
01:00:56,260 --> 01:00:58,698
at the lowa State Fair
where I opened
1238
01:00:58,699 --> 01:01:01,069
for Kyle Busch's NASCAR.
1239
01:01:01,070 --> 01:01:04,475
Kyle Busch wasn't there,
just his car.
1240
01:01:04,476 --> 01:01:07,849
I did 15 minutes of stand-up
and then some stagehands
1241
01:01:07,850 --> 01:01:10,522
pushed his number 18
on the stage
1242
01:01:10,523 --> 01:01:13,493
and audience members came up
and got pictures with the car.
1243
01:01:13,494 --> 01:01:16,199
The car did better.
1244
01:01:16,200 --> 01:01:19,372
But I did open for
the popemobile in Philadelphia.
1245
01:01:19,373 --> 01:01:21,811
Philadelphia,
The City of Brotherly Love
1246
01:01:21,812 --> 01:01:23,732
and if you've been there,
you know they mean that
1247
01:01:23,756 --> 01:01:25,752
sarcastically.
1248
01:01:25,753 --> 01:01:28,056
I love Philly,
but saying Philadelphia's.
1249
01:01:28,057 --> 01:01:30,494
The City of Brotherly Love
is a little bit like saying.
1250
01:01:30,495 --> 01:01:33,134
"Syria, a place for peace."
1251
01:01:34,737 --> 01:01:36,272
But I love Philly.
1252
01:01:36,273 --> 01:01:38,009
You know,
I love the whole Northeast.
1253
01:01:38,010 --> 01:01:40,147
I'm from the Midwest,
but I choose to live
1254
01:01:40,148 --> 01:01:41,851
in the Northeast
because I love the energy
1255
01:01:41,852 --> 01:01:44,222
and I love the fact that
everyone in the Northeast
1256
01:01:44,223 --> 01:01:48,764
is angry for absolutely
no reason at all.
1257
01:01:48,765 --> 01:01:51,704
Furious!
1258
01:01:51,705 --> 01:01:54,843
From Philadelphia to Boston,
1259
01:01:54,844 --> 01:01:57,749
pissed off. Right?
1260
01:01:57,750 --> 01:02:00,087
That whole Acela Line.
1261
01:02:00,088 --> 01:02:03,093
I call it the Corridor of Hate.
1262
01:02:03,094 --> 01:02:05,832
But that is why
we are the United States.
1263
01:02:05,833 --> 01:02:08,103
Think of those initial
13 colonies.
1264
01:02:08,104 --> 01:02:10,140
Like, in Virginia, those guys...
1265
01:02:10,141 --> 01:02:12,177
Like Jefferson and Madison,
those guys were like
1266
01:02:12,178 --> 01:02:14,115
the philosophers.
Like, "We're born with these"
1267
01:02:14,116 --> 01:02:16,520
inalienable rights.
We should have representation."
1268
01:02:16,521 --> 01:02:18,441
But it was the people
in the Northeast and Boston
1269
01:02:18,442 --> 01:02:20,122
they were like, "Screw it."
1270
01:02:20,146 --> 01:02:23,834
Dump all the tea in the harbor.
Those English are dicks.
1271
01:02:23,835 --> 01:02:28,276
"They don't say 'the'
before hospital." You know?
1272
01:02:28,277 --> 01:02:31,817
Don't you wish you were there
when the Bostonians explained
1273
01:02:31,818 --> 01:02:33,778
to the Virginians,
"Yeah, we listened to all that"
1274
01:02:33,802 --> 01:02:37,829
stuff you said, so we started
a war with England.
1275
01:02:37,830 --> 01:02:40,768
"The greatest superpower
on the planet."
1276
01:02:40,769 --> 01:02:43,574
The Virginians were like, "Wha?!"
1277
01:02:43,575 --> 01:02:46,412
We were talking hypothetically."
1278
01:02:46,413 --> 01:02:49,251
Even Patrick Henry was like,
"When I said 'Give me liberty"
1279
01:02:49,252 --> 01:02:52,257
or give me death, '
I didn't mean actual death.
1280
01:02:52,258 --> 01:02:55,866
"I was talking like
death by chocolate death."
1281
01:02:57,302 --> 01:02:59,840
But so I was in Philadelphia
for the event,
1282
01:02:59,841 --> 01:03:01,710
at the soundcheck
and they had constructed
1283
01:03:01,711 --> 01:03:05,083
this huge amphitheater
next to the Ben Franklin Parkway
1284
01:03:05,084 --> 01:03:07,756
which is a highway
and the amphitheater was empty.
1285
01:03:07,757 --> 01:03:09,392
And I was up there
doing the soundcheck
1286
01:03:09,393 --> 01:03:12,498
and I looked on the highway
and it was already filled
1287
01:03:12,499 --> 01:03:14,001
with a million people.
1288
01:03:14,002 --> 01:03:15,962
And I looked at those people
and I thought, "Wow",
1289
01:03:15,986 --> 01:03:20,313
a million people that don't want
to see me do stand-up comedy."
1290
01:03:20,314 --> 01:03:22,284
'Cause they were all there
to see the Pope
1291
01:03:22,285 --> 01:03:24,556
and not one of those
million people was thinking,
1292
01:03:24,557 --> 01:03:29,365
"I hope the Pope has a comedian
open for him."
1293
01:03:29,366 --> 01:03:31,269
But I shouldn't have
been surprised.
1294
01:03:31,270 --> 01:03:33,039
In the weeks leading up
to the event,
1295
01:03:33,040 --> 01:03:34,208
there were all these interviews.
They're like,
1296
01:03:34,209 --> 01:03:35,745
"You're opening for the Pope."
1297
01:03:35,746 --> 01:03:37,386
There's gonna be millions
of people there.
1298
01:03:37,387 --> 01:03:38,989
"Are you nervous?
Are you gonna prepare?"
1299
01:03:38,990 --> 01:03:40,621
And I'm like,
"I'm definitely nervous.
1300
01:03:40,622 --> 01:03:44,395
I'm definitely gonna prepare."
Anyway, I didn't prepare.
1301
01:03:44,396 --> 01:03:46,432
So I was onstage
at the soundcheck,
1302
01:03:46,433 --> 01:03:48,233
looking at those million people
and I thought,
1303
01:03:48,257 --> 01:03:50,775
"I gotta come up
with some Philadelphia jokes."
1304
01:03:50,776 --> 01:03:52,444
But what do I know
about Philadelphia?
1305
01:03:52,445 --> 01:03:55,685
I know cheesesteaks,
Liberty Bell,
1306
01:03:55,686 --> 01:03:59,960
and I had just watched
this ESPN 30 For 30 documentary
1307
01:03:59,961 --> 01:04:03,801
about Eagles fans in 1968
throwing snowballs
1308
01:04:03,802 --> 01:04:07,441
at someone dressed like
Santa Claus.
1309
01:04:07,442 --> 01:04:11,215
That's all I knew.
So I went off and I tried
1310
01:04:11,216 --> 01:04:13,253
to think of some
Philadelphia jokes.
1311
01:04:13,254 --> 01:04:15,023
Before you knew it,
the event started
1312
01:04:15,024 --> 01:04:16,960
and I was introduced
and I walked out
1313
01:04:16,961 --> 01:04:18,401
and the amphitheatre
was still empty.
1314
01:04:18,425 --> 01:04:20,233
'Cause, you know,
the Pope wasn't there
1315
01:04:20,234 --> 01:04:23,707
and it was a Catholic event,
so everyone was at the bar.
1316
01:04:23,708 --> 01:04:27,047
So I was like, "All right,
I guess I'm just gonna do"
1317
01:04:27,048 --> 01:04:29,048
my show for no one."
So I go, "It's good to be here
1318
01:04:29,049 --> 01:04:31,009
in Philadelphia."
and I heard this roar behind me.
1319
01:04:32,027 --> 01:04:33,627
And it was all the people
on the highway.
1320
01:04:33,628 --> 01:04:35,468
And I was like, "All right,
I'll play to them."
1321
01:04:35,492 --> 01:04:37,132
I was like,
"Philadelphia loves the Pope."
1322
01:04:38,037 --> 01:04:39,597
And I was like,
"Not that I was worried,
1323
01:04:39,621 --> 01:04:42,044
but you guys
weren't that nice to Santa."
1324
01:04:42,045 --> 01:04:44,950
Nothing.
1325
01:04:44,951 --> 01:04:46,954
Silence.
1326
01:04:46,955 --> 01:04:50,126
And then I heard something
that sounded like booing
1327
01:04:50,127 --> 01:04:52,865
'cause it was booing.
1328
01:04:52,866 --> 01:04:55,136
It wasn't everyone.
It was like 10%.
1329
01:04:55,137 --> 01:04:58,476
So, 100,000 people...
1330
01:04:58,477 --> 01:05:00,848
booing my Santa joke
1331
01:05:00,849 --> 01:05:02,952
before they saw
their religious leader
1332
01:05:02,953 --> 01:05:06,560
who was gonna talk to them
about mercy.
1333
01:05:06,561 --> 01:05:09,265
So I did what anyone would do
when they're being booed,
1334
01:05:09,266 --> 01:05:11,002
I acted like
I wasn't being booed.
1335
01:05:11,003 --> 01:05:14,074
I did some jokes about
being lazy and food
1336
01:05:14,075 --> 01:05:16,178
and I kinda got the crowd back.
1337
01:05:16,179 --> 01:05:18,416
And I got off stage,
disaster averted.
1338
01:05:18,417 --> 01:05:20,621
And I pulled out my phone
and I started checking Twitter
1339
01:05:20,622 --> 01:05:24,194
and I saw the most angry,
hateful tweets I've ever seen.
1340
01:05:24,195 --> 01:05:27,702
"How dare you bring up
the Santa incident!"
1341
01:05:27,703 --> 01:05:30,173
Never come back to Philly.
1342
01:05:30,174 --> 01:05:32,010
I wish I could punch you.
1343
01:05:32,011 --> 01:05:34,214
Bringing up the Santa incident
in Philly is like
1344
01:05:34,215 --> 01:05:36,953
"bringing up the Holocaust
in Germany."
1345
01:05:36,954 --> 01:05:40,427
That was an actual tweet.
1346
01:05:40,428 --> 01:05:43,333
Of course, the difference being
that the Holocaust happened
1347
01:05:43,334 --> 01:05:46,640
and Santa has never existed.
1348
01:05:48,210 --> 01:05:50,180
At that moment there was
a tap on my shoulder
1349
01:05:50,181 --> 01:05:52,141
and it was one of the organizers
and they're like,
1350
01:05:52,165 --> 01:05:54,723
"Do you wanna meet the Pope?"
And I was like, "I'm good."
1351
01:05:54,724 --> 01:05:57,729
I was like, "Yeah, of course
I'd love to meet the Pope."
1352
01:05:57,730 --> 01:06:00,266
So I was put in this room with
some of the other performers
1353
01:06:00,267 --> 01:06:02,404
and we were lined up
and the Pope came in.
1354
01:06:02,405 --> 01:06:04,441
And they started greeting people
and I noticed
1355
01:06:04,442 --> 01:06:06,145
people that the Pope
was meeting,
1356
01:06:06,146 --> 01:06:07,582
they were saying something
to the Pope.
1357
01:06:07,583 --> 01:06:09,063
And I didn't know
what I was gonna say
1358
01:06:09,087 --> 01:06:10,521
to the Pope
and before you knew it,
1359
01:06:10,522 --> 01:06:12,482
the Pope was right in front
of me and I just said,
1360
01:06:12,506 --> 01:06:14,978
"Don't bring up
the Santa incident."
1361
01:06:23,313 --> 01:06:25,918
And the Pope,
he didn't say anything.
1362
01:06:25,919 --> 01:06:30,126
He just gave me a look of like,
"Dude, I would never do that.
1363
01:06:30,127 --> 01:06:33,767
This is Philadelphia.
They'd crucify me."
1364
01:06:33,768 --> 01:06:36,740
All right, that is all for me.
Thank you for coming out.
1365
01:06:39,814 --> 01:06:41,717
I will see you soon.
1366
01:07:25,404 --> 01:07:27,543
That's Mom and Dad.108203
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