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1
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What the hell are we doing at a bar
3
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at 10 a.m. on a Tuesday?
4
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Well, now that I'm actually,
5
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I'm on Camomile's show,
6
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I couldn't risk Sue finding out,
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so I had to cancel all TV.
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You know, maybe you're better off
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without that channel.
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No, no, no. Not... not Alt TV,
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all TV, like, all of it.
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Goodbye, old friend.
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Well, just in case.
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Man, your web of lies is spreading
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faster than Hepatitis C
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at a Maroon 5 concert.
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Oh, shush, shush, shush. It's on.
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It's on, everybody!
21
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Ten years ago,
22
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Camomile White first appeared
23
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on the Wesley Chilcott Show,
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and forever cemented her place
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in the paranormal industry.
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Your daughter, Samantha,
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isn't missing.
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She's dead.
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(gasping)
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Tonight on the premiere
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of Midtown Manhattan Medium,
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Camomile White brings joy
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to the hearts of the elderly,
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while Kevin,
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her fat, dumb, security guard,
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can't seem to handle gravity.
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Only on Alt TV,
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the alternative to reality!
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What was that... what was that crap?
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What... they... they reedited it
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to make me look dumb,
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not to mention fat!
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(groaning)
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The magic of reality TV.
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(screaming)
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- synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
49
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Hi! Hi, Camomile.
50
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I'm sorry... I'm sorry I'm late.
51
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I'm here. I just, uh,
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it's getting harder and harder
53
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to sneak away, you know?
54
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Mhm, I imagine you've got
55
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a very heavy tip-toe.
56
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No, I'm talking about all the lying.
57
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You know, Sue wants to talk to me.
58
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I just... I have no idea
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how to just blow someone off.
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You know, I suck at blowing.
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Never mind then. We've got work to do.
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Now remember, just because
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the network is forcing me
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to put you on camera,
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doesn't mean anything's changed
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with our little arrangement.
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You still have to keep the set free
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from all ghosts.
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Am I understood?
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Crystal.
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My TV show premieres tonight,
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so I'm throwing a little viewing party,
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and I've decided to treat myself.
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I'm not going to do any readings
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or talk to any ghosts.
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Today I'm just a regular gal
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going to get her hair done.
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Excuse me, Miss?
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Uh, your father wants me to tell you
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that he says hi.
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Uh, my father died a year ago, so...
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Uh, he also said...
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he loves you?
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He... he said you'd understand
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what that meant.
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My father and I always used to say
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"I love you" to each other...
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Oh my...
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Thank you.
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Oh, thank you!
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Sometimes I just can't turn it off.
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Camomile!
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- Camomile!
- Oh, Giuseppe!
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(kissing sounds)
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96
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Giuseppe Monamocce has been doing my hair
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for, oh, a couple of years now.
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He's the only person I trust
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with the outside of my head.
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A hair genius...
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nay... savant.
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Remember!
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It's not the haircut
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that makes the woman,
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but the woman who makes the haircut.
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Ow, ow! (Bleep) ow!
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Damn it.
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Ow, ow, ow!
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(shouting and cursing)
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Somebody help! Ow! (Bleep)
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Okay, I'm having
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a hard time keeping up.
113
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So now you want me to look
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directly into the camera?
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Oh man, you know what would be so funny?
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If the security guard
got a perm next to you.
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No, guys. I don't think so!
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No, I... I kinda like what's happening
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over here, you know? It's natural.
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No, no, no, no, no, no!
121
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- Yeah.
- That is a total mess.
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I need a total makeover here.
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The old inside, outside.
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Don't worry, Kevin.
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I'm going to bring out the real you,
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the special you,
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for all to see and admire.
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Oh.
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Yeah, I, I guess that could work.
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Yeah.
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(nervous laughter)
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Well, this is kinda cute.
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(wind blowing)
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Hello, fellow traveler!
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I am Trigve.
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We see that you've donned the robes
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of the Magnificent Plutonians!
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What? Is that
139
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some sort of band or something?
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We're a spiritual collective
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in search of boundless joy
142
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and inclusion for all.
143
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I'm Trigve's life mate, Marble.
144
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Oh, Marble. That's a nice name.
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(soft moan)
146
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Okay.
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00:04:59,529 --> 00:05:00,964
Yeah, yeah. Go to town.
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That's a new one.
149
00:05:04,100 --> 00:05:05,668
Okay, then, no, okay, yeah. We get it.
150
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You guys are life mates, that's great.
151
00:05:06,936 --> 00:05:08,438
You guys are really good at tonguing
152
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each other's faces; you guys do know
153
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that you're dead, right?
154
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We're not dead.
155
00:05:11,841 --> 00:05:13,543
We merely shed our Earth Shells
156
00:05:13,543 --> 00:05:14,844
when we ate the Blessed Brownie
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to ride the Northern Lights
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to the Dark Side of Pluto.
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Blessed Brownie...
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Blessed Brown... Oh, my God!
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Oh, holy shit, you guys are
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from that cult, you're from that cult
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from like 35 years ago?
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You committed mass suicide?
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Yeah, when I heard about that,
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I couldn't eat brownies for like, days.
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We've been wandering this planet
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in our post-shell form
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looking for our leader ever since.
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Mmm... Father-Daddy.
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Father-Daddy.
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That is a super creepy name.
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We need you, Father-Daddy.
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Okay, okay, stop!
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- We need you!
- Stop! Stop! Stop!
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Okay! I will help you
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with your Father-Daddy issues, okay?
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But you guys,
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you gotta shut your brownie-holes.
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Shut 'em! Okay?
181
00:05:50,546 --> 00:05:53,182
I'm trying to shoot a TV show upstairs.
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Okay, thank you.
183
00:05:54,817 --> 00:05:56,753
So, what... what can I do to help?
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When we joined the Plutonians,
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Father-Daddy made us cleanse
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our bank accounts so that we
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might be light enough to ascend.
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He then made us shed our Earth Shells,
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but...
190
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- But what?
- You see,
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00:06:10,700 --> 00:06:12,502
Father-Daddy never ate Blessed Brownie.
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I get it, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
193
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Yeah, it's all coming in clear now.
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You guys are just a bunch of regular people
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who got brainwashed by a crazy man
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and gave him all your money,
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and then he made you kill yourselves,
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and now you want to expose him
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for the fraud that he is.
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No! He's the only one
201
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that knows the way
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to the Dark Side of Pluto.
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We need the directions.
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Okay, fine. Where is this guy?
205
00:06:29,585 --> 00:06:30,787
Here.
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In this salon.
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00:06:33,990 --> 00:06:36,959
208
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Him?
209
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So? You're ready to become a new man?
210
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Him!
211
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:49,000
Look at him, will you!
212
00:06:49,572 --> 00:06:50,873
So, Mr. Kevin.
213
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What are we gonna do today?
214
00:06:52,107 --> 00:06:53,976
I guess I would like to change
215
00:06:53,976 --> 00:06:55,244
as little as possible?
216
00:06:55,244 --> 00:06:56,345
Don't be a fool, Kevin!
217
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People make appointments
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00:06:57,813 --> 00:07:00,216
months in advance to see Giuseppe!
219
00:07:00,216 --> 00:07:02,151
I know just the thing.
220
00:07:02,151 --> 00:07:03,586
I'm gonna do something that's
221
00:07:03,586 --> 00:07:04,887
gonna bring you out of your shell.
222
00:07:04,887 --> 00:07:05,988
What? No.
223
00:07:05,988 --> 00:07:07,089
No, I mean, I... I don't know.
224
00:07:07,089 --> 00:07:08,290
I sort of love my shell!
225
00:07:08,290 --> 00:07:09,692
Relax...
226
00:07:09,692 --> 00:07:12,695
You're gonna enjoy this!
227
00:07:12,695 --> 00:07:15,331
Some guys just like to wash the hair.
228
00:07:15,331 --> 00:07:19,001
I like to wash a little deeper.
229
00:07:19,001 --> 00:07:20,269
You mean...
230
00:07:20,269 --> 00:07:21,604
The brain?
231
00:07:21,604 --> 00:07:22,938
The scalp!
232
00:07:22,938 --> 00:07:24,773
(laughter)
233
00:07:24,773 --> 00:07:27,076
(scared laughter)
234
00:07:27,076 --> 00:07:28,844
Oh, that's nice.
235
00:07:28,844 --> 00:07:30,779
Ah.
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00:07:30,779 --> 00:07:31,847
Okay... All right, all right.
237
00:07:31,847 --> 00:07:33,148
Shut it off! Shut it off!
238
00:07:33,148 --> 00:07:35,084
I don't wanna shed my Earth Shell!
239
00:07:35,084 --> 00:07:39,088
240
00:07:39,088 --> 00:07:40,089
Ow, ow, ow!
241
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Ow, hot!
242
00:07:41,290 --> 00:07:43,325
Oh, hot! Giuseppe, hot!
243
00:07:43,325 --> 00:07:45,261
- It hurts!
- Okay, okay, okay.
244
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I think we've got enough B-roll
245
00:07:46,762 --> 00:07:47,863
of my security guard
246
00:07:47,863 --> 00:07:49,031
being a moron for one day.
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Okay, everybody stop.
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As for you, Giuseppe,
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you've done such a fabulous job on me,
250
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you really must come
251
00:07:55,204 --> 00:07:56,739
to the viewing party tonight.
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Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't impose.
253
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Oh, ah, that sucks!
254
00:08:00,042 --> 00:08:02,044
No, it's no imposition!
255
00:08:02,044 --> 00:08:04,280
All my dearest, most famous friends
256
00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:05,347
will be there.
257
00:08:05,347 --> 00:08:06,782
Even James McAvoy's a maybe.
258
00:08:06,782 --> 00:08:08,651
- McAvoy, really?
- Yeah.
259
00:08:08,651 --> 00:08:09,652
- All right.
- Uh-huh?
260
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I'll try to come.
261
00:08:10,719 --> 00:08:11,820
Yeah?
262
00:08:11,820 --> 00:08:13,022
I'll bring some brownies.
263
00:08:13,022 --> 00:08:14,089
No! No.
264
00:08:14,089 --> 00:08:16,125
I mean, no, no,
265
00:08:16,125 --> 00:08:17,660
because, you know, those things
266
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just go straight to Camomile's ass.
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00:08:19,695 --> 00:08:21,263
- Ah!
- No. He's right.
268
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You don't have to bring a thing.
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Ciao, Giuseppe.
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Camomile?
271
00:08:27,603 --> 00:08:30,839
Sometimes a little knowledge
272
00:08:30,839 --> 00:08:33,075
is a very dangerous thing.
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00:08:33,075 --> 00:08:34,276
Uh...
274
00:08:34,276 --> 00:08:37,012
It can be a one-way ticket...
275
00:08:37,012 --> 00:08:39,081
to the Dark Side of Pluto!
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00:08:39,081 --> 00:08:40,616
(groaning)
277
00:08:40,616 --> 00:08:44,616
278
00:08:49,024 --> 00:08:50,359
Hey, how was work?
279
00:08:50,359 --> 00:08:51,994
Hi. Uh, ahh...
280
00:08:51,994 --> 00:08:53,295
it's just, like, boring.
281
00:08:53,295 --> 00:08:54,697
Did you get your hair done?
282
00:08:54,697 --> 00:08:56,098
What? No... I... it must have been
283
00:08:56,098 --> 00:08:57,366
the way the wind was blowing.
284
00:08:57,366 --> 00:08:58,801
You don't have to be embarrassed.
285
00:08:58,801 --> 00:08:59,969
I really like it.
286
00:08:59,969 --> 00:09:01,337
It looks distinguished.
287
00:09:01,337 --> 00:09:03,238
Oh, well... Thank you.
288
00:09:03,238 --> 00:09:05,307
It's a Giuseppe Monamocce.
289
00:09:05,307 --> 00:09:06,675
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
290
00:09:06,675 --> 00:09:07,743
That guy is super famous!
291
00:09:07,743 --> 00:09:09,044
- Really?
- Yeah.
292
00:09:09,044 --> 00:09:10,646
He's a hair stylist to the stars.
293
00:09:10,646 --> 00:09:11,814
Big cult following.
294
00:09:11,814 --> 00:09:12,881
That's who Camomile uses!
295
00:09:12,881 --> 00:09:14,116
Is it? I wouldn't know that.
296
00:09:14,116 --> 00:09:15,250
How would I know that?
297
00:09:15,250 --> 00:09:16,652
It's not like I talk to Camomile
298
00:09:16,652 --> 00:09:17,686
or share beauty tips
299
00:09:17,686 --> 00:09:19,154
with her or anything.
300
00:09:19,154 --> 00:09:23,559
301
00:09:23,559 --> 00:09:24,860
Those are... those are super old.
302
00:09:24,860 --> 00:09:26,295
Those are... those are super duper old!
303
00:09:26,295 --> 00:09:27,596
They're from when I thought
304
00:09:27,596 --> 00:09:28,931
Camomile and I were soul mates,
305
00:09:28,931 --> 00:09:30,065
'cause we're both real mediums!
306
00:09:30,065 --> 00:09:31,133
Kevin, it's fine.
307
00:09:31,133 --> 00:09:31,967
I'm not worried.
308
00:09:31,967 --> 00:09:33,068
Okay. Good.
309
00:09:33,068 --> 00:09:34,069
Good, good, good, good.
310
00:09:34,069 --> 00:09:35,938
Okay, great. Uh, hey,
311
00:09:35,938 --> 00:09:37,806
I need my fancy dinner jacket...
312
00:09:37,806 --> 00:09:39,074
it's for Roofie, 'cause he wants
313
00:09:39,074 --> 00:09:40,776
to look fancier when he deals drugs.
314
00:09:40,776 --> 00:09:41,944
I don't know. Don't ask.
315
00:09:41,944 --> 00:09:43,112
Have you seen it?
316
00:09:43,112 --> 00:09:44,313
Zoila!
317
00:09:44,313 --> 00:09:46,281
Zoila, where is my fancy dinner jacket?
318
00:09:46,281 --> 00:09:48,317
Here. I iron it.
319
00:09:48,317 --> 00:09:49,652
Oh, good. Thank you.
320
00:09:49,652 --> 00:09:50,986
Thank you. Okay, also,
321
00:09:50,986 --> 00:09:52,321
I have no idea where Roofie is right now,
322
00:09:52,321 --> 00:09:53,856
so it might be a while before I find him.
323
00:09:53,856 --> 00:09:55,724
Okay, don't wait up. Bye!
324
00:09:55,724 --> 00:09:57,126
(door closes)
325
00:09:57,126 --> 00:09:58,560
Bye!
326
00:09:58,560 --> 00:09:59,728
327
00:09:59,728 --> 00:10:00,729
(laughter)
328
00:10:00,729 --> 00:10:02,231
Oh, my, my, Anastacia,
329
00:10:02,231 --> 00:10:04,099
you've had such an interesting life!
330
00:10:04,099 --> 00:10:05,200
You know what we should do?
331
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:06,935
Let's start with a Steadicam shot
332
00:10:06,935 --> 00:10:08,771
to establish Camomile's new apartment.
333
00:10:08,771 --> 00:10:10,606
It'll be fabulous. We'll pick up all...
334
00:10:10,606 --> 00:10:12,841
So McAvoy's a no-show, huh?
335
00:10:12,841 --> 00:10:14,143
What a cock.
336
00:10:14,143 --> 00:10:15,844
Take it down a notch, Biscotti.
337
00:10:15,844 --> 00:10:18,080
Please, take it down a notch, Biscotti.
338
00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:20,249
Hey, hi, nice to see you.
339
00:10:20,249 --> 00:10:23,018
There's your scotch on the rocks.
340
00:10:23,018 --> 00:10:25,054
Now what the hell are you doing?
341
00:10:25,054 --> 00:10:26,622
342
00:10:26,622 --> 00:10:28,323
He's so dreamy.
343
00:10:28,323 --> 00:10:30,225
Who?
344
00:10:30,225 --> 00:10:31,894
- Biscotti?
- Yeah.
345
00:10:31,894 --> 00:10:33,862
No talking to celebrities, Kevin.
346
00:10:33,862 --> 00:10:35,164
Can I at least show him the spec episode
347
00:10:35,164 --> 00:10:36,265
of "Felonies and Misdemeanors"
348
00:10:36,265 --> 00:10:37,299
I wrote on this napkin?
349
00:10:37,299 --> 00:10:38,534
- No!
- Yeah.
350
00:10:38,534 --> 00:10:40,135
Camomile! Camomile!
351
00:10:40,135 --> 00:10:41,704
Giuseppe!
352
00:10:41,704 --> 00:10:42,871
Darling!
353
00:10:42,871 --> 00:10:45,541
(kissing sounds)
354
00:10:45,541 --> 00:10:46,875
My blessed blondie.
355
00:10:46,875 --> 00:10:48,210
Oh, thank you.
356
00:10:48,210 --> 00:10:51,346
Oh, the haircut really suits you.
357
00:10:51,346 --> 00:10:53,749
You certainly look the role
358
00:10:53,749 --> 00:10:56,085
of the strong, silent type.
359
00:10:56,085 --> 00:10:58,353
Thank you.
360
00:10:58,353 --> 00:11:00,022
Uh, okay, Giuseppe,
361
00:11:00,022 --> 00:11:01,590
let me get you a cocktail.
362
00:11:01,590 --> 00:11:02,758
Come and try one of my...
363
00:11:02,758 --> 00:11:05,627
one of my Camomile cocktails.
364
00:11:05,627 --> 00:11:07,763
365
00:11:07,763 --> 00:11:09,031
What are... what are you guys doing here?
366
00:11:09,031 --> 00:11:10,165
We followed Father-Daddy.
367
00:11:10,165 --> 00:11:11,667
Have you made any progress?
368
00:11:11,667 --> 00:11:14,103
When will we get to the Dark Side of Pluto?
369
00:11:14,103 --> 00:11:16,038
I want to ride the Northern Lights!
370
00:11:16,038 --> 00:11:17,773
Shh! Stop!
371
00:11:17,773 --> 00:11:19,041
I'm just trying to figure out
372
00:11:19,041 --> 00:11:20,209
how you can ride the Northern Lights
373
00:11:20,209 --> 00:11:21,610
to the Dark Side of Pluto,
374
00:11:21,610 --> 00:11:22,745
and not have Father-Daddy
375
00:11:22,745 --> 00:11:24,947
make me shed my Earth Shell.
376
00:11:24,947 --> 00:11:26,682
(groaning)
377
00:11:26,682 --> 00:11:28,317
What the shit was that out there?
378
00:11:28,317 --> 00:11:30,052
I don't know. I don't know, man.
379
00:11:30,052 --> 00:11:31,220
The New York society scene
380
00:11:31,220 --> 00:11:32,254
is soo weird to me, too.
381
00:11:32,254 --> 00:11:33,956
Don't play games with me!
382
00:11:33,956 --> 00:11:35,190
I didn't spend 35 years
383
00:11:35,190 --> 00:11:36,925
reinventing myself to be taken down
384
00:11:36,925 --> 00:11:39,728
by a reality TV show security guard
385
00:11:39,728 --> 00:11:40,963
with a beautiful haircut!
386
00:11:40,963 --> 00:11:42,297
Okay, fine. You got me, all right?
387
00:11:42,297 --> 00:11:43,966
I'm not a security guard. You happy?
388
00:11:43,966 --> 00:11:45,200
I'm a medium.
389
00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:46,635
I've been talking to the ghosts
390
00:11:46,635 --> 00:11:48,103
from your weird little Pluto cult!
391
00:11:48,103 --> 00:11:50,005
- Ghosts?
- Yeah.
392
00:11:50,005 --> 00:11:51,273
You mean they followed me?
393
00:11:51,273 --> 00:11:53,675
Oh, they follow you everywhere, man.
394
00:11:53,675 --> 00:11:54,777
Are they here now?
395
00:11:54,777 --> 00:11:56,078
No, they're out in the foyer.
396
00:11:56,078 --> 00:11:57,012
Foyay.
397
00:11:57,012 --> 00:11:58,647
Foy... "foyay"?
398
00:11:58,647 --> 00:11:59,748
That sounds weird.
399
00:11:59,748 --> 00:12:01,049
Foyer.
400
00:12:01,049 --> 00:12:03,018
- You talk to ghosts?
- Yeah.
401
00:12:03,018 --> 00:12:04,019
Can you get rid of them?
402
00:12:04,019 --> 00:12:04,987
I can,
403
00:12:04,987 --> 00:12:06,054
but the only way to do that
404
00:12:06,054 --> 00:12:07,156
is to give them directions
405
00:12:07,156 --> 00:12:09,091
to the Dark Side of Pluto.
406
00:12:09,091 --> 00:12:10,726
But that's a bunch of bullshit!
407
00:12:10,726 --> 00:12:12,094
I know it's a bunch of bullshit, Giuseppe,
408
00:12:12,094 --> 00:12:13,328
but they're getting
all hopped up out there,
409
00:12:13,328 --> 00:12:14,863
and the only way to get them
410
00:12:14,863 --> 00:12:17,633
to leave you alone is to satisfy them.
411
00:12:17,633 --> 00:12:21,003
Oh, you gotta satisfy them.
412
00:12:21,003 --> 00:12:23,071
Okay...
413
00:12:23,071 --> 00:12:25,140
Okay.
414
00:12:25,140 --> 00:12:27,609
Bring 'em in here.
415
00:12:27,609 --> 00:12:30,179
416
00:12:30,179 --> 00:12:33,148
Greetings, my beautiful Plutonians!
417
00:12:33,148 --> 00:12:36,652
Your auras shine magnificently.
418
00:12:36,652 --> 00:12:39,321
419
00:12:39,321 --> 00:12:41,557
Father-Daddy did not leave you.
420
00:12:41,557 --> 00:12:43,792
Ah! I knew Father-Daddy
421
00:12:43,792 --> 00:12:45,127
would never leave us!
422
00:12:45,127 --> 00:12:46,929
Father-Daddy loves us!
423
00:12:46,929 --> 00:12:47,963
Ooh!
424
00:12:47,963 --> 00:12:49,064
(shushing)
425
00:12:49,064 --> 00:12:50,866
It's okay, shh, shh.
426
00:12:50,866 --> 00:12:53,068
Ooh.
427
00:12:53,068 --> 00:12:54,970
As revelations
428
00:12:54,970 --> 00:12:56,271
from the ever-loving,
429
00:12:56,271 --> 00:12:58,941
all-inclusive universe tell me,
430
00:12:58,941 --> 00:13:00,576
the ascent
431
00:13:00,576 --> 00:13:02,311
to the Northern Lights of Pluto
432
00:13:02,311 --> 00:13:03,879
is nigh!
433
00:13:03,879 --> 00:13:04,913
Oh...
434
00:13:04,913 --> 00:13:07,316
(grunting)
435
00:13:07,316 --> 00:13:09,117
Ooh, oh, oh.
436
00:13:09,117 --> 00:13:10,953
I'm getting another revelation.
437
00:13:10,953 --> 00:13:14,223
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
438
00:13:14,223 --> 00:13:15,691
(groaning)
439
00:13:15,691 --> 00:13:18,961
Oh, oh!
440
00:13:18,961 --> 00:13:23,265
Ye shall wander the earth for 35 years
441
00:13:23,265 --> 00:13:24,833
in your post-shell form,
442
00:13:24,833 --> 00:13:27,903
at which time a new leader will emerge.
443
00:13:27,903 --> 00:13:29,738
He will be a bit chubby,
444
00:13:29,738 --> 00:13:32,107
he will be high on the good, green plant,
445
00:13:32,107 --> 00:13:34,943
he will have a poorly manicured beard,
446
00:13:34,943 --> 00:13:36,612
and one killer bang.
447
00:13:36,612 --> 00:13:39,147
He will also be able to see you
448
00:13:39,147 --> 00:13:42,918
in your post-shell form!
449
00:13:42,918 --> 00:13:44,119
Whaaaaat?
450
00:13:47,064 --> 00:13:50,067
New Father-Daddy, we love you.
451
00:13:50,067 --> 00:13:51,435
Tell us what to do, Father-Daddy. Please!
452
00:13:51,435 --> 00:13:53,037
Stop! Stop it! I can't...
453
00:13:53,037 --> 00:13:54,505
I can't be your new Father-Daddy, okay?
454
00:13:54,505 --> 00:13:55,906
I never had either of those.
455
00:13:55,906 --> 00:13:57,741
- Lead us!
- Ugh! Okay.
456
00:13:57,741 --> 00:13:59,877
Take a good gander, okay? Look at this.
457
00:13:59,877 --> 00:14:01,946
You do not want this as your leader!
458
00:14:01,946 --> 00:14:03,414
I ate a s'mizza for breakfast today.
459
00:14:03,414 --> 00:14:04,982
Do you know what a s'mizza is?
460
00:14:04,982 --> 00:14:06,750
It's a pizza made out of s'mores!
461
00:14:06,750 --> 00:14:07,918
Good! Our new leader
462
00:14:07,918 --> 00:14:09,053
should have extra padding.
463
00:14:09,053 --> 00:14:10,221
The ride on the Northern Lights
464
00:14:10,221 --> 00:14:11,422
can be bumpy.
465
00:14:11,422 --> 00:14:13,491
What the hell is going on in here, Kevin?
466
00:14:13,491 --> 00:14:16,160
I could hear you out from the other room!
467
00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:18,562
468
00:14:18,562 --> 00:14:21,031
Is there a ghost in here?
469
00:14:21,031 --> 00:14:23,501
470
00:14:23,501 --> 00:14:26,537
Not... one.
471
00:14:26,537 --> 00:14:28,305
Good!
472
00:14:28,305 --> 00:14:29,773
'Cause dinner's starting,
473
00:14:29,773 --> 00:14:31,909
and we need it to go well.
474
00:14:31,909 --> 00:14:34,078
Mhm.
475
00:14:34,078 --> 00:14:35,880
(glass clinking)
476
00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:37,214
Toast. Toast!
477
00:14:37,214 --> 00:14:38,349
Toast.
478
00:14:38,349 --> 00:14:39,350
Toast?
479
00:14:39,350 --> 00:14:40,851
Thanks for coming, everyone.
480
00:14:40,851 --> 00:14:42,286
It's an honor to have you all here
481
00:14:42,286 --> 00:14:44,088
to watch the premiere of
482
00:14:44,088 --> 00:14:45,823
Camomile's new show,
483
00:14:45,823 --> 00:14:47,892
Midtown Manhattan Medium.
484
00:14:47,892 --> 00:14:50,027
(applause)
485
00:14:50,027 --> 00:14:51,462
(clanking dishes)
486
00:14:51,462 --> 00:14:53,097
And even though my girlfriend's show
487
00:14:53,097 --> 00:14:54,932
and my show share a time slot
488
00:14:54,932 --> 00:14:58,302
on competing, uh, networks,
489
00:14:58,302 --> 00:14:59,336
it's, uh...
490
00:14:59,336 --> 00:15:00,571
(glass clinking)
491
00:15:00,571 --> 00:15:02,439
- Ah!
- Giuseppe!
492
00:15:02,439 --> 00:15:05,142
This reminds me of a saying that I love.
493
00:15:05,142 --> 00:15:08,312
I believe it was the Maharishi Guru
494
00:15:08,312 --> 00:15:09,380
who said,
495
00:15:09,380 --> 00:15:11,949
"The golden gate of life
496
00:15:11,949 --> 00:15:16,554
is the experience of bliss."
497
00:15:16,554 --> 00:15:18,956
And there is nothing more blissful
498
00:15:18,956 --> 00:15:21,091
than watching the talents
499
00:15:21,091 --> 00:15:23,360
of Camomile White.
500
00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:25,829
When are we going to Pluto, Father-Daddy?
501
00:15:25,829 --> 00:15:27,064
I'm not Father-Daddy.
502
00:15:27,064 --> 00:15:28,299
When are we going to Pluto,
503
00:15:28,299 --> 00:15:29,767
Stepfather-Daddy?
504
00:15:29,767 --> 00:15:31,902
Are we there yet, Stepfather-Daddy?
505
00:15:31,902 --> 00:15:33,237
Shh.
506
00:15:35,306 --> 00:15:37,241
(snapping fingers)
507
00:15:37,241 --> 00:15:38,909
Shoot!
508
00:15:38,909 --> 00:15:40,511
I just remembered
509
00:15:40,511 --> 00:15:43,480
I never took my wife on a honeymoon.
510
00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:44,982
Woops!
511
00:15:44,982 --> 00:15:47,384
Oh, that's okay, Kevin.
512
00:15:47,384 --> 00:15:49,420
That is your past.
513
00:15:49,420 --> 00:15:52,389
In order to become the best possible you,
514
00:15:52,389 --> 00:15:55,993
you have to shed your old shell.
515
00:15:55,993 --> 00:15:58,362
Mhm. Former Father-Daddy is right.
516
00:15:58,362 --> 00:15:59,830
Shed your old shell,
517
00:15:59,830 --> 00:16:01,031
and lead us to Pluto!
518
00:16:01,031 --> 00:16:02,233
Just please don't shed it
519
00:16:02,233 --> 00:16:04,101
at the dinner table, am I right?
520
00:16:04,101 --> 00:16:05,469
That would put people off, yes.
521
00:16:05,469 --> 00:16:07,004
I'm sorry. What was that, Mr. Chilcott?
522
00:16:07,004 --> 00:16:08,772
I didn't quite catch it.
523
00:16:08,772 --> 00:16:10,741
No it's... it's cool,
man. It's just a joke.
524
00:16:10,741 --> 00:16:12,009
Show us how to ride
525
00:16:12,009 --> 00:16:13,844
the Northern Lights, Kevin. Show us!
526
00:16:13,844 --> 00:16:15,446
Kevin, what on earth are you doing?
527
00:16:15,446 --> 00:16:16,880
- What?
- What are you doing?
528
00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:18,315
I'm... I'm dewaxing.
529
00:16:18,315 --> 00:16:20,017
It's totally normal dinner table behavior.
530
00:16:20,017 --> 00:16:21,151
Just pay no mind.
531
00:16:21,151 --> 00:16:22,519
Oh, just put the napkin down, Kevin.
532
00:16:22,519 --> 00:16:24,021
- Come on!
- Would, uh,
533
00:16:24,021 --> 00:16:25,389
would somebody please pass the shell?
534
00:16:25,389 --> 00:16:26,957
- The what?
- Not the shell...
535
00:16:26,957 --> 00:16:28,225
The, uh, didn't mean to say shell.
536
00:16:28,225 --> 00:16:29,393
- The salt?
- Can you pass the shell?
537
00:16:29,393 --> 00:16:30,794
- The pepper?
- No, not the salt.
538
00:16:30,794 --> 00:16:31,495
The shell. I want...
539
00:16:31,495 --> 00:16:32,463
not shell, shed.
540
00:16:32,463 --> 00:16:33,530
What are you saying?
541
00:16:33,530 --> 00:16:34,999
The shed? Pass the shed?
542
00:16:34,999 --> 00:16:36,333
- Shed your shell!
- Shit!
543
00:16:36,333 --> 00:16:38,102
He's going totally crazy.
544
00:16:38,102 --> 00:16:39,436
We're gonna win an Emmy!
545
00:16:39,436 --> 00:16:42,239
Shut up! Shut the fuck up!
546
00:16:44,875 --> 00:16:47,144
Whoa!
547
00:16:47,144 --> 00:16:49,213
I, uh...
548
00:16:49,213 --> 00:16:50,481
I need to get some fresh air.
549
00:16:50,481 --> 00:16:52,316
I'll be back.
550
00:16:52,316 --> 00:16:55,786
I need to get some fresh air, excuse me.
551
00:16:55,786 --> 00:16:58,188
(panting)
552
00:16:58,188 --> 00:17:00,024
Oh, God, get it together, man.
553
00:17:00,024 --> 00:17:01,225
Get it together.
554
00:17:01,225 --> 00:17:04,061
Kevin?
555
00:17:04,061 --> 00:17:06,230
Sue?
556
00:17:06,230 --> 00:17:07,564
What are you... What are you doing here?
557
00:17:07,564 --> 00:17:08,966
You were acting so strange,
558
00:17:08,966 --> 00:17:10,401
I thought you were in trouble.
559
00:17:10,401 --> 00:17:12,269
But now it makes so much sense!
560
00:17:12,269 --> 00:17:15,072
The haircut, the sneaking around,
561
00:17:15,072 --> 00:17:16,507
those headshots?
562
00:17:16,507 --> 00:17:18,542
And now here you are, at Camomile's place.
563
00:17:18,542 --> 00:17:20,110
You still have feelings for her!
564
00:17:20,110 --> 00:17:21,312
No, no, no. Sue, I can explain.
565
00:17:21,312 --> 00:17:23,147
No! You can't.
566
00:17:23,147 --> 00:17:24,982
'Cause I can't trust you anymore.
567
00:17:24,982 --> 00:17:26,150
No, Sue. No, wait!
568
00:17:26,150 --> 00:17:27,951
Wait, Sue!
569
00:17:27,951 --> 00:17:29,253
Ugh!
570
00:17:29,253 --> 00:17:31,221
Oh, my God.
571
00:17:34,158 --> 00:17:35,392
(sighs)
572
00:17:37,861 --> 00:17:39,063
573
00:17:39,063 --> 00:17:41,198
Fuck this.
574
00:17:41,198 --> 00:17:43,767
575
00:17:43,767 --> 00:17:45,102
You! Hey.
576
00:17:45,102 --> 00:17:46,370
The whole reason I took this job
577
00:17:46,370 --> 00:17:47,871
in the first place was to save
578
00:17:47,871 --> 00:17:49,106
my relationship with Sue,
579
00:17:49,106 --> 00:17:50,407
and now this job is ruining
580
00:17:50,407 --> 00:17:52,109
that very relationship!
581
00:17:52,109 --> 00:17:53,877
So screw it! You can blackmail me
582
00:17:53,877 --> 00:17:55,479
all you want, Camomile; blackmail me
583
00:17:55,479 --> 00:17:56,847
until you're blue in the face.
584
00:17:56,847 --> 00:17:58,048
I don't care. And you can do
585
00:17:58,048 --> 00:17:59,416
your shitty TV show without me.
586
00:17:59,416 --> 00:18:01,085
Listen, listen, Kevin, you've just had
587
00:18:01,085 --> 00:18:03,020
a rough ride of it, that's all.
588
00:18:03,020 --> 00:18:04,421
You're just a little bit confused.
589
00:18:04,421 --> 00:18:05,856
- I'm confused?
- Yes!
590
00:18:05,856 --> 00:18:07,358
(laughing)
591
00:18:07,358 --> 00:18:08,826
I'm confused?
592
00:18:08,826 --> 00:18:10,027
I... I'm not the one
593
00:18:10,027 --> 00:18:11,528
who's taking life advice
594
00:18:11,528 --> 00:18:12,863
from a hair stylist,
595
00:18:12,863 --> 00:18:14,131
who 35 years ago
596
00:18:14,131 --> 00:18:15,265
used to be the leader
597
00:18:15,265 --> 00:18:16,934
of a suicide cult!
598
00:18:16,934 --> 00:18:19,370
That's ridiculous.
599
00:18:19,370 --> 00:18:20,871
Is it?
600
00:18:20,871 --> 00:18:23,774
Your blood sugar is just a little low.
601
00:18:23,774 --> 00:18:24,908
Have a brownie!
602
00:18:24,908 --> 00:18:26,143
What is that?
603
00:18:26,143 --> 00:18:28,445
I made it myself.
604
00:18:28,445 --> 00:18:30,948
I do feel a little peckish.
605
00:18:30,948 --> 00:18:32,149
No, what? No, no!
606
00:18:32,149 --> 00:18:33,283
I'm not gonna eat a brownie
607
00:18:33,283 --> 00:18:34,551
that was baked by a cult leader
608
00:18:34,551 --> 00:18:35,953
who had all of his followers
609
00:18:35,953 --> 00:18:37,221
kill themselves by eating
610
00:18:37,221 --> 00:18:38,555
a poison brownie!
611
00:18:38,555 --> 00:18:39,957
How do you know all this?
612
00:18:39,957 --> 00:18:41,358
Because the ghosts from his cult
613
00:18:41,358 --> 00:18:43,494
are standing in this room all around you,
614
00:18:43,494 --> 00:18:44,995
and they won't shut their mouths!
615
00:18:44,995 --> 00:18:46,163
I want to ride
616
00:18:46,163 --> 00:18:47,531
the Northern Lights to Pluto!
617
00:18:47,531 --> 00:18:49,800
Now, Stepfather-Daddy!
618
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:50,801
Wait, the security guard
619
00:18:50,801 --> 00:18:51,935
talks to ghosts too now?
620
00:18:51,935 --> 00:18:53,270
He most certainly does not!
621
00:18:53,270 --> 00:18:54,905
We're going to hit major traffic on
622
00:18:54,905 --> 00:18:56,173
the Northern Lights if we don't leave now.
623
00:18:56,173 --> 00:18:57,841
Oh, shut your fuckin' mouth, Trigve!
624
00:18:57,841 --> 00:18:58,909
Shut up!
625
00:18:58,909 --> 00:19:00,043
Oh, my God!
626
00:19:00,043 --> 00:19:01,845
You guys... you guys think
627
00:19:01,845 --> 00:19:04,214
that the reason you're here is because
628
00:19:04,214 --> 00:19:05,749
you need to ride the Northern Lights
629
00:19:05,749 --> 00:19:07,017
to the Dark Side of Pluto?
630
00:19:07,017 --> 00:19:08,385
That's your unfinished business?
631
00:19:08,385 --> 00:19:10,220
But that's ridiculous! It's not!
632
00:19:10,220 --> 00:19:12,222
That's not even why you joined the cult.
633
00:19:12,222 --> 00:19:14,258
We joined for...
634
00:19:14,258 --> 00:19:15,893
boundless joy and inclusion, right?
635
00:19:15,893 --> 00:19:17,795
All right, that's fuckin' horse pucky.
636
00:19:17,795 --> 00:19:18,996
Okay, Marble? And you know it.
637
00:19:18,996 --> 00:19:20,297
If I had to take a guess,
638
00:19:20,297 --> 00:19:21,999
which I don't, but I'm going to anyway,
639
00:19:21,999 --> 00:19:23,567
I would say that you were in it
640
00:19:23,567 --> 00:19:25,302
because you needed a father figure.
641
00:19:25,302 --> 00:19:26,570
You were in it because you needed,
642
00:19:26,570 --> 00:19:27,905
like, any friends at all,
643
00:19:27,905 --> 00:19:29,072
you were in it for the pussy,
644
00:19:29,072 --> 00:19:30,374
you were in it for the dick,
645
00:19:30,374 --> 00:19:31,909
you were in it for the pussy and the dick,
646
00:19:31,909 --> 00:19:33,243
and you were in it for the free brownies.
647
00:19:33,243 --> 00:19:34,778
Ta-da!
648
00:19:34,778 --> 00:19:36,413
Like 42 people died that day.
649
00:19:36,413 --> 00:19:38,048
Where are the rest of them, huh?
650
00:19:38,048 --> 00:19:39,883
They sure as shit didn't go to Pluto.
651
00:19:39,883 --> 00:19:42,186
They went into their light,
652
00:19:42,186 --> 00:19:43,987
which is where the real
653
00:19:43,987 --> 00:19:46,156
boundless joy and inclusion awaits.
654
00:19:46,156 --> 00:19:50,156
655
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:59,002
Oh, thank God.
656
00:19:59,002 --> 00:20:02,105
657
00:20:02,105 --> 00:20:04,808
Anyway, what was I saying?
658
00:20:04,808 --> 00:20:06,143
I...
659
00:20:06,143 --> 00:20:07,411
Oh yeah.
660
00:20:07,411 --> 00:20:09,046
Suck it, you limey bag!
661
00:20:09,046 --> 00:20:10,481
I quit.
662
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:21,635
(door opening)
663
00:20:21,635 --> 00:20:23,503
Sue! I wanna explain.
664
00:20:23,503 --> 00:20:24,771
No, you don't need to say anything.
665
00:20:24,771 --> 00:20:26,106
No, I do. I do, okay.
666
00:20:26,106 --> 00:20:27,908
I... I can't lie to you anymore.
667
00:20:27,908 --> 00:20:31,778
I just can't do it! The truth is,
668
00:20:31,778 --> 00:20:33,613
I don't have any feelings for Camomile,
669
00:20:33,613 --> 00:20:36,783
but I have been working for her.
670
00:20:36,783 --> 00:20:38,085
It started a couple weeks ago.
671
00:20:38,085 --> 00:20:39,786
I was picking up hours here or there,
672
00:20:39,786 --> 00:20:41,088
keeping ghosts off the set.
673
00:20:41,088 --> 00:20:42,656
But then I got roped into being
674
00:20:42,656 --> 00:20:44,591
on her show somehow, and the lies just,
675
00:20:44,591 --> 00:20:45,959
like, snowballed out of control,
676
00:20:45,959 --> 00:20:47,894
and it, like, I just feel sick about it.
677
00:20:47,894 --> 00:20:49,830
I can't... I destroyed my TV,
678
00:20:49,830 --> 00:20:51,431
Sue, so you wouldn't find out!
679
00:20:51,431 --> 00:20:53,567
I destroyed my blessed TV.
680
00:20:53,567 --> 00:20:55,469
It's gone! I'm done.
681
00:20:55,469 --> 00:20:58,004
I'm done lying. I'm done with it.
682
00:20:58,004 --> 00:21:01,808
I quit the show tonight.
683
00:21:01,808 --> 00:21:02,909
You did?
684
00:21:02,909 --> 00:21:04,578
Yeah, I did. I...
685
00:21:06,346 --> 00:21:08,548
I just wanna be honest with you
686
00:21:08,548 --> 00:21:10,584
from now on. Always.
687
00:21:10,584 --> 00:21:12,385
688
00:21:12,385 --> 00:21:14,054
Why did you go to work for Camomile
689
00:21:14,054 --> 00:21:15,822
in the first place?
690
00:21:15,822 --> 00:21:17,357
Uh...
691
00:21:17,357 --> 00:21:18,925
Well, I... I needed the money.
692
00:21:18,925 --> 00:21:20,694
What about the newsstand?
693
00:21:20,694 --> 00:21:22,762
I... I got fired.
694
00:21:22,762 --> 00:21:23,763
I thought your best friend
695
00:21:23,763 --> 00:21:24,931
owns the newsstand?
696
00:21:24,931 --> 00:21:26,032
No, he does. Yeah, he owns it.
697
00:21:26,032 --> 00:21:27,033
He just... he fired me.
698
00:21:27,033 --> 00:21:28,068
We had a fight.
699
00:21:28,068 --> 00:21:29,736
- About what?
- Uh... you.
700
00:21:29,736 --> 00:21:31,071
- Me?
- Yeah.
701
00:21:31,071 --> 00:21:32,572
I mean, I don't know. Roofie just...
702
00:21:32,572 --> 00:21:33,673
he hates you for some reason.
703
00:21:33,673 --> 00:21:34,741
What? Why?
704
00:21:34,741 --> 00:21:36,009
Because... I don't...
705
00:21:36,009 --> 00:21:37,077
Because he's probably jealous.
706
00:21:37,077 --> 00:21:38,478
We spend a lot of time together.
707
00:21:38,478 --> 00:21:39,813
It's just like stupid, classic,
708
00:21:39,813 --> 00:21:41,047
best friend bullshit, you know?
709
00:21:41,047 --> 00:21:42,749
Like, bottom line is
710
00:21:42,749 --> 00:21:44,050
we're gonna take care of it, okay?
711
00:21:44,050 --> 00:21:45,452
Together. We'll work through it.
712
00:21:45,452 --> 00:21:46,887
I will introduce you to Roofie,
713
00:21:46,887 --> 00:21:48,655
and he's gonna love you.
714
00:21:48,655 --> 00:21:50,657
Are you sure?
715
00:21:50,657 --> 00:21:52,392
716
00:21:52,392 --> 00:21:53,426
Trust me.
717
00:21:54,561 --> 00:21:56,396
718
00:21:56,396 --> 00:21:58,431
We're not actually cops.
719
00:21:58,431 --> 00:21:59,933
But we do play them on TV.
720
00:21:59,933 --> 00:22:01,635
And you're under arrest for the murder
721
00:22:01,635 --> 00:22:03,069
of 42 cult members.
722
00:22:03,069 --> 00:22:04,738
Uh, you know what, technically?
723
00:22:04,738 --> 00:22:06,840
It's, uh, it's not murder.
724
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:08,942
Well... Assisted suicide.
725
00:22:08,942 --> 00:22:10,110
And brainwashing.
726
00:22:10,110 --> 00:22:12,946
Ah! Yeah.
727
00:22:12,946 --> 00:22:14,981
You're going away for a long time, dirtbag.
728
00:22:14,981 --> 00:22:17,350
You know, this reminds me
729
00:22:17,350 --> 00:22:20,387
of a saying that I love...
730
00:22:20,387 --> 00:22:24,387
731
00:22:24,437 --> 00:22:28,987
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