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1
00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:18,634
Dads is recorded in front
of a live studio audience.
2
00:00:18,668 --> 00:00:21,103
(speaking Spanish
angrily)
3
00:00:22,505 --> 00:00:23,839
Horribl?!
4
00:00:23,873 --> 00:00:25,874
You're not the only one
who knows Spanish!
5
00:00:25,908 --> 00:00:28,277
Arroz con pollo!
Dos margaritas!
6
00:00:28,278 --> 00:00:29,778
Gloria Estefan!
7
00:00:29,812 --> 00:00:32,114
Guys, guys, I have had
a long day at work.
8
00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:33,515
I just want to watch some TV.
9
00:00:33,516 --> 00:00:35,350
I don't want to list
to you two argue.
10
00:00:35,385 --> 00:00:37,386
He do my word puzzles!
11
00:00:37,387 --> 00:00:39,254
She doesn't understand
how word searches work.
12
00:00:39,255 --> 00:00:40,722
She just circles
every letter.
13
00:00:41,958 --> 00:00:43,425
My way more fun!
14
00:00:45,128 --> 00:00:46,962
She's also drunk
on the job!
15
00:00:46,963 --> 00:00:48,530
(gasps)
16
00:00:48,531 --> 00:00:50,632
That lie!
17
00:00:51,868 --> 00:00:54,303
I drink before
I get here!
18
00:00:57,340 --> 00:00:59,925
Daddy took me to the zoo.
19
00:00:59,926 --> 00:01:03,229
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/
20
00:01:04,047 --> 00:01:05,047
Hey, guys,
21
00:01:05,081 --> 00:01:06,381
I got your coffee.
22
00:01:06,382 --> 00:01:09,084
Mmm, the last
pumpkin spice latte
23
00:01:09,118 --> 00:01:10,319
of the season.
Mm-hmm.
24
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:12,821
Tomorrow, everything
turns to peppermint.
25
00:01:14,257 --> 00:01:16,858
Mmm.
26
00:01:16,893 --> 00:01:18,360
Well, thank you
for getting 'em, Crawford.
27
00:01:18,361 --> 00:01:19,728
You got 'em so quick.
28
00:01:19,762 --> 00:01:23,065
Yeah, they give it to you faster
if you say your name is Hitler.
29
00:01:26,235 --> 00:01:28,537
Hey, guys, I'm so sorry.
30
00:01:28,571 --> 00:01:30,572
The INS busted a huge
sweatshop in the basement
31
00:01:30,573 --> 00:01:32,541
and I couldn't get up here.
What?!
32
00:01:32,575 --> 00:01:34,710
Oh, yeah, there's sweatshops
all over this country.
33
00:01:34,711 --> 00:01:36,078
It's terrible.
34
00:01:36,079 --> 00:01:39,414
That's why I always look
for that "Made in China" label.
35
00:01:41,017 --> 00:01:44,920
Anyway, uh, the INS is sweeping
the whole building
36
00:01:44,921 --> 00:01:46,088
for illegal immigrants.
37
00:01:46,122 --> 00:01:47,522
Illegal immigrants?
Sweeping?
38
00:01:47,523 --> 00:01:49,524
Oh, my God! Edna!
39
00:01:52,962 --> 00:01:55,230
It's so sad how many little
steps he needs to take
40
00:01:55,231 --> 00:01:56,465
just to go somewhere.
41
00:01:57,633 --> 00:01:59,701
Edna! No!
42
00:01:59,736 --> 00:02:01,737
I'm sorry, sir.
I have to detain her.
43
00:02:01,771 --> 00:02:04,106
No, I'm-I'm sure this
is just a misunderstanding.
44
00:02:04,140 --> 00:02:06,842
Her only form of I.D. was a
picture of a cake that said,
45
00:02:06,843 --> 00:02:09,044
"Happy Birthday, Edna."
46
00:02:10,413 --> 00:02:12,881
They let me get on plane
with it.
47
00:02:12,915 --> 00:02:15,417
I don't understand.
How did this happen?
48
00:02:15,451 --> 00:02:16,651
He turn me in!
49
00:02:16,686 --> 00:02:18,220
Yes, he did.
50
00:02:18,254 --> 00:02:21,022
He's a hero.
Thank you, sir.
51
00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:25,336
These illegal immigrants
are a danger to our way of life.
52
00:02:25,370 --> 00:02:26,937
How?
53
00:02:26,971 --> 00:02:30,074
I don't know.
54
00:02:30,075 --> 00:02:31,208
Look, Edna, Edna,
don't worry.
55
00:02:31,209 --> 00:02:34,144
We will figure
something out.
56
00:02:34,179 --> 00:02:36,246
Good-bye, Eli.
57
00:02:36,247 --> 00:02:38,415
Take care of my mop.
58
00:02:41,786 --> 00:02:44,288
Mijo, you stay with Eli.
59
00:02:50,895 --> 00:02:52,496
What the hell
did you do?
60
00:02:52,530 --> 00:02:54,331
Nothing! An officer came
to the door
61
00:02:54,332 --> 00:02:58,035
looking for illegal immigrants,
and I pointed at Edna.
62
00:02:58,069 --> 00:02:59,536
Why didn't you lie?
63
00:02:59,571 --> 00:03:01,905
Because turning in others is how
64
00:03:01,906 --> 00:03:03,807
this family has survived
every major war.
65
00:03:05,577 --> 00:03:07,845
Well, congratulations, you're
now ruining people's lives
66
00:03:07,846 --> 00:03:09,146
without even leaving the couch!
67
00:03:09,180 --> 00:03:11,949
Listen, I feel terrible!
68
00:03:11,950 --> 00:03:13,784
Mmm. Good sandwich.
69
00:03:13,785 --> 00:03:14,918
I don't know how
70
00:03:14,953 --> 00:03:16,320
you sleep at night.
71
00:03:16,354 --> 00:03:19,089
On my stomach, so no one tries
72
00:03:19,090 --> 00:03:21,759
any funny business
with my thing.
73
00:03:21,793 --> 00:03:23,427
What about your "back thing"?
74
00:03:23,461 --> 00:03:26,430
If they want to risk Vesuvius,
go ahead.
75
00:03:30,001 --> 00:03:33,003
I always thought I'd do
very well in prison.
76
00:03:34,539 --> 00:03:39,777
It's mostly reading
and avoiding eye contact.
77
00:03:39,778 --> 00:03:42,212
Both of which I enjoy.
78
00:03:42,247 --> 00:03:43,347
Are you kidding me?
79
00:03:43,348 --> 00:03:45,249
So many people would want
to stab you,
80
00:03:45,250 --> 00:03:47,751
they'd have to do it in shifts.
81
00:03:53,591 --> 00:03:55,759
Why you bring him?
82
00:03:55,794 --> 00:03:57,995
Edna...
83
00:04:00,131 --> 00:04:00,964
How are you?
84
00:04:00,965 --> 00:04:03,267
It's okay so far.
85
00:04:03,268 --> 00:04:05,235
I do a lot of push-ups.
86
00:04:07,205 --> 00:04:08,672
Did they say what's
gonna happen?
87
00:04:08,706 --> 00:04:10,774
I get deported to Mexico
tomorrow.
88
00:04:10,809 --> 00:04:12,109
What?! No!
89
00:04:12,110 --> 00:04:13,210
Well, we tried.
90
00:04:14,646 --> 00:04:17,147
Is this a big joke
to you?
91
00:04:17,182 --> 00:04:18,882
You know what?
For once in your life,
92
00:04:18,883 --> 00:04:20,603
try to think about someone
besides yourself.
93
00:04:20,618 --> 00:04:23,053
Like who?
94
00:04:23,087 --> 00:04:26,390
Like Edna...
who you put in jail!
95
00:04:26,424 --> 00:04:29,193
Like me, your son!
This hurts me!
96
00:04:29,194 --> 00:04:30,461
I love her!
97
00:04:30,495 --> 00:04:32,663
Eli, we only have
two minutes to talk.
98
00:04:32,664 --> 00:04:34,832
Hold on just one second.
Dad...
99
00:04:36,301 --> 00:04:39,503
...you left when I was five;
You took away my father.
100
00:04:39,504 --> 00:04:42,105
And now you're taking Edna away.
101
00:04:42,106 --> 00:04:43,941
How can you do this to me twice?
102
00:04:46,878 --> 00:04:48,045
Fine.
103
00:04:48,079 --> 00:04:49,713
Get out of the way.
104
00:04:53,117 --> 00:04:56,620
Edna...
105
00:04:56,621 --> 00:04:58,856
will you marry me?
106
00:05:08,566 --> 00:05:11,401
What if you're not "the one"?
107
00:05:15,473 --> 00:05:17,674
I'm an American citizen.
108
00:05:17,675 --> 00:05:19,376
I'm the one.
109
00:05:23,114 --> 00:05:24,281
Okay.
110
00:05:24,315 --> 00:05:25,749
Great.
111
00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:31,467
Okay, I'm the wedding planner.
112
00:05:31,468 --> 00:05:32,902
decisions have
to go through me.
113
00:05:32,903 --> 00:05:34,870
We have a long list
to get through
114
00:05:34,871 --> 00:05:36,539
and we're already,
like, so behind.
115
00:05:36,573 --> 00:05:39,241
Warner, baby,
please don't turn into a groomzilla
116
00:05:39,242 --> 00:05:40,676
like you did
at our wedding.
117
00:05:40,677 --> 00:05:42,545
Groomzilla?
What are you talking about?
118
00:05:42,546 --> 00:05:44,380
That was my big day.
119
00:05:44,381 --> 00:05:46,415
Any good wedding is all about
the groom... okay, whatever.
120
00:05:46,416 --> 00:05:47,883
I want to be
positive right now.
121
00:05:47,884 --> 00:05:49,885
Okay, let's talk theme.
122
00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:52,555
I'm thinking, "Havana Dusk,"
123
00:05:52,556 --> 00:05:55,791
"Butterfly Fantasia,"
or "Rustic Rumpus."
124
00:05:55,792 --> 00:05:57,627
"Rustic Rumpus."
125
00:05:57,628 --> 00:06:00,830
Uh, bridesmaids' color palette.
126
00:06:00,831 --> 00:06:02,231
Veronica, what are you
thoughts?
127
00:06:02,265 --> 00:06:03,833
No opinion?
128
00:06:03,834 --> 00:06:05,635
Great. Just another thing
for me to do!
129
00:06:06,803 --> 00:06:08,004
You know,
he's right, though.
130
00:06:08,005 --> 00:06:09,572
This wedding has
to convince the INS
131
00:06:09,573 --> 00:06:11,307
that your relationship with Edna
is real.
132
00:06:11,308 --> 00:06:13,743
It'll be real.
Watch this.
133
00:06:13,744 --> 00:06:16,145
Edna, where do you want
to go to eat tonight?
134
00:06:16,146 --> 00:06:17,580
I don't know.
135
00:06:17,581 --> 00:06:19,148
Where do you want
to eat tonight?
136
00:06:19,182 --> 00:06:20,316
I just asked you!
137
00:06:20,350 --> 00:06:21,651
Don't yell at me!
138
00:06:21,685 --> 00:06:23,953
See?
139
00:06:25,689 --> 00:06:27,056
Excuse me, Mr. Groomzilla.
140
00:06:27,090 --> 00:06:28,658
Yeah?
141
00:06:30,193 --> 00:06:35,164
Before anything, Mr. David have
to get my father blessing.
142
00:06:39,236 --> 00:06:40,736
Your father's bless...
143
00:06:40,737 --> 00:06:45,641
I'm in my 60s, and you're
somewhere between 30 and 75.
144
00:06:48,045 --> 00:06:51,280
Edna old-fashion.
Here.
145
00:06:53,550 --> 00:06:55,451
(phone ringing)
146
00:07:00,057 --> 00:07:01,590
Hola.
147
00:07:01,625 --> 00:07:04,026
Yes. My name is David.
148
00:07:04,027 --> 00:07:05,795
I want to marry
your daughter Edna.
149
00:07:05,829 --> 00:07:07,396
Yeah, okay.
150
00:07:11,601 --> 00:07:15,071
Okay, so the next thing on the
list is "Call the photographer."
151
00:07:15,105 --> 00:07:17,907
Oh, good, 'cause
the INS will want pictures.
152
00:07:17,941 --> 00:07:20,142
Hey, hey, hey!
I'm a businessman.
153
00:07:20,143 --> 00:07:22,778
Let me handle these
negotiations.
154
00:07:22,813 --> 00:07:25,581
Yeah, hello, um,
I'd like to book you
155
00:07:25,582 --> 00:07:27,683
to shoot a wedding
on the 28th.
156
00:07:27,684 --> 00:07:28,851
Mm-hmm.
157
00:07:28,852 --> 00:07:31,053
$3,000?!
158
00:07:31,054 --> 00:07:32,455
Great.
159
00:07:33,790 --> 00:07:38,027
Dad, you just took his price.
How was that a negotiation?
160
00:07:38,061 --> 00:07:42,231
Ah, the negotiations start after
the wedding, when I can't pay.
161
00:07:42,265 --> 00:07:47,103
Okay, I can't put out
that fire right now.
162
00:07:47,104 --> 00:07:49,638
Uh, the next
is tablecloth swatches.
163
00:07:49,639 --> 00:07:50,673
Come on, people!
164
00:07:50,707 --> 00:07:52,541
What is wrong with him?
165
00:07:52,542 --> 00:07:56,579
He's on one of his Chardonnay-fueled
rampages right now.
166
00:07:56,613 --> 00:08:00,015
Oh, my God,
I said sage tablecloths!
167
00:08:00,016 --> 00:08:02,418
This is moss!
168
00:08:02,452 --> 00:08:05,254
Oh, my God, I can't even
deal with this right now.
169
00:08:05,255 --> 00:08:06,856
Uh, let's talk
wedding dresses.
170
00:08:06,890 --> 00:08:08,624
Something strapless,
right, Edna?
171
00:08:08,658 --> 00:08:11,060
S?. (chuckles) Yeah.
172
00:08:11,094 --> 00:08:13,229
Ooh!
173
00:08:13,263 --> 00:08:17,466
I urge you, consider
something with straps.
174
00:08:17,467 --> 00:08:20,236
Lots and lots of straps.
175
00:08:21,938 --> 00:08:24,073
Okay, well, we'll just
leave that open.
176
00:08:24,074 --> 00:08:25,040
Uh, flowers?
177
00:08:25,041 --> 00:08:26,642
Eli, any thoughts?
178
00:08:26,676 --> 00:08:29,378
Oh, uh, I only know,
like, two flowers.
179
00:08:29,379 --> 00:08:31,614
So, uh... daisies?
180
00:08:35,252 --> 00:08:36,952
Daisies?
181
00:08:38,188 --> 00:08:40,356
(mocking laughter)
182
00:08:42,459 --> 00:08:44,727
Daisies...
183
00:08:44,728 --> 00:08:46,028
Daisies?!
184
00:08:47,297 --> 00:08:49,165
Get out of your house right now!
185
00:08:49,166 --> 00:08:51,367
I didn't do anything.
186
00:08:51,401 --> 00:08:52,802
That's exactly my point!
187
00:08:52,803 --> 00:08:54,370
Nobody's doing anything!
I'm doing everything!
188
00:08:54,404 --> 00:08:57,306
We started ten minutes ago.
189
00:08:58,809 --> 00:09:01,143
And you put yourself
in charge.
190
00:09:01,178 --> 00:09:03,245
If I weren't in charge,
who would be?! You?! Ha!
191
00:09:03,246 --> 00:09:04,980
What do you know about love?!
192
00:09:05,015 --> 00:09:07,716
Okay, honey,
honey, honey...
193
00:09:07,751 --> 00:09:10,119
Try and breathe, relax.
194
00:09:10,153 --> 00:09:12,321
I know. I just have
so much pressure right now.
195
00:09:12,322 --> 00:09:13,522
My hormones
are going crazy.
196
00:09:13,557 --> 00:09:15,224
Honey, take me home.
197
00:09:15,258 --> 00:09:17,226
I need my Fiona Apple
and my cucumber bath.
198
00:09:17,227 --> 00:09:19,895
All I wanted to do
was something beautiful!
199
00:09:21,998 --> 00:09:25,634
I afraid to tell him
I want a SpongeBob pi?ata.
200
00:09:37,347 --> 00:09:39,215
No one good is here.
201
00:09:42,919 --> 00:09:45,221
("Wedding March" plays)
202
00:09:49,125 --> 00:09:51,660
(sobbing):
Oh, God... so emotional!
203
00:09:53,864 --> 00:09:55,264
So beautiful!
204
00:09:58,602 --> 00:10:02,805
Look at these zinnias!
205
00:10:02,806 --> 00:10:05,040
Don't touch that!
206
00:10:05,075 --> 00:10:07,943
These are zinnias, Eli!
207
00:10:07,944 --> 00:10:10,479
Zinnias!
208
00:10:15,552 --> 00:10:17,686
Oh... go.
209
00:10:21,391 --> 00:10:24,578
Beerly de-loved...
(chuckles)
210
00:10:27,230 --> 00:10:31,367
Supposed to get
a two-minute laugh.
211
00:10:31,368 --> 00:10:32,835
Idiots.
212
00:10:32,836 --> 00:10:39,468
All right, uh, Camila will now
do a reading from Corinthians.
213
00:10:42,379 --> 00:10:44,265
"Love is patient..."
214
00:10:44,281 --> 00:10:45,214
Hurry up.
215
00:10:45,215 --> 00:10:47,750
All right, thank you.
216
00:10:49,219 --> 00:10:51,987
And now the couple will now
exchange vows,
217
00:10:51,988 --> 00:10:53,756
which they have written
themselves.
218
00:10:59,362 --> 00:11:02,698
Mr. David, I be your wife
here and in Mexico.
219
00:11:02,699 --> 00:11:06,745
We go to mall together
sometime.
220
00:11:06,770 --> 00:11:08,904
Good night and good luck.
221
00:11:10,173 --> 00:11:15,045
Edna, I promise to try
not yell at you today.
222
00:11:16,313 --> 00:11:17,780
I will be
a good husband
223
00:11:17,781 --> 00:11:20,549
as long as you
leave me alone.
224
00:11:20,550 --> 00:11:22,084
Also...
225
00:11:22,085 --> 00:11:24,386
don't eat food off
my plate in restaurants.
226
00:11:24,387 --> 00:11:25,389
I hate that.
227
00:11:26,690 --> 00:11:29,224
If you want something,
just order it yourself.
228
00:11:29,225 --> 00:11:31,770
Don't take advantage
of my good ordering.
229
00:11:33,363 --> 00:11:36,066
(sobbing):
Oh, my God...
230
00:11:37,133 --> 00:11:38,861
CRAWFORD:
Okay. (clears throat)
231
00:11:38,868 --> 00:11:40,903
By the power vested in me
232
00:11:40,904 --> 00:11:44,640
by SoYouWannaMarryPeople.com,
233
00:11:44,641 --> 00:11:47,810
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
234
00:11:47,811 --> 00:11:49,288
You may kiss the bride.
235
00:11:49,312 --> 00:11:50,312
It's up to you.
236
00:11:52,082 --> 00:11:53,625
Mwah!
237
00:11:57,354 --> 00:11:59,254
You know, even though
this is just
238
00:11:59,255 --> 00:12:00,656
to keep Edna
in the country,
239
00:12:00,657 --> 00:12:02,509
I still can't believe
they're going through with it.
240
00:12:02,525 --> 00:12:04,960
I always get
so emotional at weddings.
241
00:12:08,398 --> 00:12:11,101
Yeah, take it
down a notch.
242
00:12:13,069 --> 00:12:15,564
Stuff it, lady.
243
00:12:20,176 --> 00:12:21,210
Morning, Edna.
244
00:12:21,211 --> 00:12:23,212
Please call me "Mom."
245
00:12:25,181 --> 00:12:26,180
Uh...
246
00:12:26,182 --> 00:12:28,160
that's a little weird.
247
00:12:28,184 --> 00:12:31,253
Eli, I take vow
very serious.
248
00:12:31,254 --> 00:12:33,832
I your mother now.
249
00:12:35,792 --> 00:12:36,919
Dad, is she kidding?
250
00:12:36,926 --> 00:12:38,093
Are you kidding?
251
00:12:38,094 --> 00:12:39,094
No.
252
00:12:39,095 --> 00:12:40,798
No.
253
00:12:41,831 --> 00:12:43,175
Whatever.
I gotta go to work,
254
00:12:43,199 --> 00:12:44,700
so...
You take jacket.
255
00:12:44,701 --> 00:12:45,928
It's raining.
(laughs)
256
00:12:45,935 --> 00:12:47,436
No, I...
my office is downstairs.
257
00:12:47,437 --> 00:12:49,098
I don't even need
to go out of the building.
258
00:12:49,105 --> 00:12:51,600
Edna house, Edna rules.
259
00:12:53,843 --> 00:12:55,511
Okay...
Wait.
260
00:12:55,512 --> 00:12:57,856
I spit your hair down.
261
00:13:07,057 --> 00:13:08,624
Hair too messy.
262
00:13:08,625 --> 00:13:10,119
David, you help.
263
00:13:10,126 --> 00:13:11,537
(snorts, spits)
264
00:13:11,561 --> 00:13:12,895
Oh, my God!
265
00:13:25,041 --> 00:13:27,042
Hey, Paddington.
266
00:13:28,445 --> 00:13:30,446
Edna made me wear it.
267
00:13:31,948 --> 00:13:34,383
She thinks she's my mom now.
268
00:13:34,417 --> 00:13:37,354
Hey, you want to do
Pilates tonight?
269
00:13:38,588 --> 00:13:39,922
I can't.
270
00:13:39,923 --> 00:13:40,989
I'm grounded.
271
00:13:40,990 --> 00:13:43,225
I have...
What am I talking about?
272
00:13:43,226 --> 00:13:44,960
I am an adult,
273
00:13:44,961 --> 00:13:47,696
and they are living
in my house!
274
00:13:47,697 --> 00:13:49,698
I'm gonna give them
a piece of my mind.
275
00:13:51,201 --> 00:13:52,744
Da...
276
00:13:53,736 --> 00:13:54,970
(muttering)
277
00:13:56,973 --> 00:13:58,974
Ugh, the slob...
278
00:14:13,289 --> 00:14:14,641
(screams)
279
00:14:17,994 --> 00:14:19,194
DAVID:
Close your eyes,
280
00:14:19,195 --> 00:14:21,064
because we're not
at a point I can stop.
281
00:14:25,535 --> 00:14:27,703
EDNA:
Hi, Mr. Eli!
282
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:40,134
I'm glad you caught us.
283
00:14:40,135 --> 00:14:41,668
Now we can stop hiding.
284
00:14:41,703 --> 00:14:43,937
Hiding?! How much have
you been doing it?
285
00:14:43,972 --> 00:14:45,973
A lot.
286
00:14:47,142 --> 00:14:49,109
What are
you wearing?
287
00:14:49,144 --> 00:14:51,478
Who are you supposed to be,
Billy the Yid?
288
00:14:54,849 --> 00:14:56,683
Edna's dressing me now.
289
00:14:56,718 --> 00:14:59,353
He my peque?o ranchero.
290
00:15:01,523 --> 00:15:02,990
Dad, what are you doing?
291
00:15:02,991 --> 00:15:04,825
This was just supposed
to be for the INS.
292
00:15:04,859 --> 00:15:05,859
What?
293
00:15:05,860 --> 00:15:07,728
She started it.
294
00:15:07,729 --> 00:15:09,630
I was just
sitting on the couch,
295
00:15:09,631 --> 00:15:11,031
minding my own
business.
296
00:15:11,065 --> 00:15:13,634
Then suddenly, her business
was on my business
297
00:15:13,635 --> 00:15:15,569
and we were in business.
298
00:15:16,771 --> 00:15:18,772
And business is very good.
299
00:15:24,779 --> 00:15:26,814
Thank you for having me over.
300
00:15:26,815 --> 00:15:30,250
My home has become a den
of erotic nightmares.
301
00:15:30,285 --> 00:15:31,985
Well, don't look at it that way.
302
00:15:31,986 --> 00:15:33,587
Sex gets better
when you get older,
303
00:15:33,588 --> 00:15:35,589
'cause you can't get
pregnant or gonorrhea.
304
00:15:38,193 --> 00:15:40,160
What are you talking about?
305
00:15:40,161 --> 00:15:41,695
Of course you can
still get gonorrhea.
306
00:15:41,729 --> 00:15:43,630
Oh, boy.
307
00:15:46,901 --> 00:15:48,368
Well, I've got
to find a way
308
00:15:48,369 --> 00:15:49,937
to cool their relationship.
309
00:15:49,938 --> 00:15:52,372
Eli, the more you try to pull
your Dad and Edna apart,
310
00:15:52,407 --> 00:15:54,875
you realize you're just gonna
push them closer together.
311
00:15:54,876 --> 00:15:56,410
Warner and I have
so many haters
312
00:15:56,411 --> 00:15:58,078
and they just make
our marriage stronger.
313
00:15:58,079 --> 00:16:00,147
I am so through
with the haters.
314
00:16:00,148 --> 00:16:01,548
They're so bogus.
Bogus.
315
00:16:01,549 --> 00:16:02,583
(laughing)
316
00:16:02,617 --> 00:16:04,618
What are you guys
talking about?
317
00:16:04,619 --> 00:16:07,120
Nobody knows or
cares who you are.
318
00:16:07,155 --> 00:16:09,556
Oh, honey, looks like
we have another hater.
319
00:16:11,125 --> 00:16:13,560
Look, we just gotta get through
this interview with the INS
320
00:16:13,561 --> 00:16:15,629
and everything will go back
to the way things were.
321
00:16:15,663 --> 00:16:17,531
When's the interview?
It's tomorrow... and they want
322
00:16:17,565 --> 00:16:19,733
to talk to all of us,
so just tell the guy
323
00:16:19,734 --> 00:16:21,201
that Edna and my dad
are in love
324
00:16:21,236 --> 00:16:22,703
and had a nice wedding.
325
00:16:22,737 --> 00:16:24,905
A "nice wedding"?
326
00:16:24,939 --> 00:16:28,609
How much do you hate me
right now?
327
00:16:28,610 --> 00:16:31,912
So, you two are now married?
328
00:16:31,946 --> 00:16:33,947
Yes. We have frequent
sexual intercourse
329
00:16:33,948 --> 00:16:35,983
and the photos
to prove it.
330
00:16:36,017 --> 00:16:38,952
Sir, that's okay,
I don't need to s...
331
00:16:38,953 --> 00:16:40,387
Wow.
332
00:16:41,789 --> 00:16:44,992
Yeah, she's
surprisingly bendy.
333
00:16:46,594 --> 00:16:49,563
(clears throat)
I'm gonna have to interview
334
00:16:49,597 --> 00:16:51,465
each of you separately
to verify that
335
00:16:51,466 --> 00:16:53,600
this marriage is real.
336
00:16:56,604 --> 00:16:58,005
How old are you?
337
00:16:58,039 --> 00:16:59,172
Sixty-six.
338
00:16:59,207 --> 00:17:01,341
He 97.
339
00:17:02,710 --> 00:17:04,578
Did Edna
go to college?
340
00:17:04,579 --> 00:17:06,313
No way.
341
00:17:06,347 --> 00:17:09,182
I go to Arizona State.
342
00:17:09,183 --> 00:17:11,752
It's a waste of four years.
343
00:17:13,388 --> 00:17:15,989
Oh, yeah, they're very
affectionate with each other.
344
00:17:16,024 --> 00:17:19,059
They... make love...
all the time.
345
00:17:19,060 --> 00:17:20,861
(chuckles):
Oh, I know.
346
00:17:20,895 --> 00:17:22,462
They gave me these pictures.
347
00:17:22,497 --> 00:17:24,031
(gasps)
348
00:17:26,501 --> 00:17:31,004
It turns out you can
still get gonorrhea.
349
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:34,107
So then...
350
00:17:34,142 --> 00:17:35,776
I wound up putting tea lights
351
00:17:35,777 --> 00:17:38,078
in these little paper bags,
and it worked perfectly.
352
00:17:38,079 --> 00:17:40,814
Again, all me.
353
00:17:40,848 --> 00:17:42,282
You sound like a professional.
354
00:17:42,317 --> 00:17:44,151
(laughing):
Thank you.
355
00:17:46,487 --> 00:17:47,788
How'd we do?
356
00:17:47,822 --> 00:17:50,490
Well, I asked you both
20 questions about each other,
357
00:17:50,491 --> 00:17:52,960
and the only one
you both got right was:
358
00:17:52,961 --> 00:17:55,662
"Who is the best Iglesias?"
359
00:17:55,697 --> 00:17:59,499
Julio...!
Julio...!
360
00:17:59,534 --> 00:18:02,569
I'm afraid this marriage
is a sham.
361
00:18:02,604 --> 00:18:03,971
Edna, pack your bags.
362
00:18:03,972 --> 00:18:06,239
No! Are you insane?
363
00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:08,241
The fact that we know nothing
about each other
364
00:18:08,242 --> 00:18:09,876
proves we're married.
365
00:18:10,778 --> 00:18:12,212
When's your wife's birthday?
366
00:18:15,350 --> 00:18:17,250
In the fall.
367
00:18:17,285 --> 00:18:18,919
See?
368
00:18:18,953 --> 00:18:21,488
Sir, at this point,
my wife and I
369
00:18:21,489 --> 00:18:24,491
are just staying
together for the dogs.
370
00:18:25,627 --> 00:18:27,561
Edna needs to go. No!
371
00:18:27,595 --> 00:18:29,730
You can't even make
your fake marriages work!
372
00:18:29,764 --> 00:18:31,198
Wait.
373
00:18:31,232 --> 00:18:33,066
It's okay, Eli. I go.
374
00:18:33,101 --> 00:18:34,868
Edna, when we first met,
there were times
375
00:18:34,869 --> 00:18:37,571
when I wouldn't eat just
so I'd have enough to pay you.
376
00:18:37,572 --> 00:18:40,574
And-and there were weeks
where your salary
377
00:18:40,575 --> 00:18:44,544
would eat up almost all
of my unemployment checks.
378
00:18:44,545 --> 00:18:46,480
But I knew one thing...
379
00:18:46,481 --> 00:18:49,616
I did not want
to pick up after myself.
380
00:18:50,985 --> 00:18:54,388
(crying): And now you're
cleaning my penthouse.
381
00:18:54,422 --> 00:18:57,090
Edna go back to Mexico so happy
382
00:18:57,091 --> 00:18:59,793
because of the time
I spent with Eli.
383
00:18:59,794 --> 00:19:01,762
You are my son.
384
00:19:01,796 --> 00:19:04,197
Oh, Edna, you are my mom.
385
00:19:04,232 --> 00:19:06,433
(speaking soothingly in Spanish)
386
00:19:06,467 --> 00:19:07,968
Okay, let's go.
387
00:19:07,969 --> 00:19:10,070
(phone rings)
388
00:19:11,105 --> 00:19:12,539
Yeah?
389
00:19:14,042 --> 00:19:15,876
Aw, crap.
390
00:19:17,345 --> 00:19:19,312
Ma'am, you're free to go.
391
00:19:19,347 --> 00:19:21,415
Wha...?!
Oh, my gosh!
392
00:19:21,449 --> 00:19:22,683
Wait, what-what happened?
393
00:19:22,717 --> 00:19:25,218
Eh, the government
shut down again.
394
00:19:25,253 --> 00:19:27,120
(laughs)
395
00:19:27,121 --> 00:19:29,489
Which means
my paychecks have stopped.
396
00:19:29,490 --> 00:19:30,824
(laughs)
397
00:19:31,859 --> 00:19:33,994
Oh, but, uh...
398
00:19:33,995 --> 00:19:36,096
I also teach bowling.
399
00:19:38,933 --> 00:19:41,435
Don't you pretty much
just roll it at the pins?
400
00:19:42,470 --> 00:19:43,837
Yeah.
401
00:19:45,239 --> 00:19:47,607
(Edna and Eli laughing)
402
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:55,535
Hey. You know,
403
00:19:55,569 --> 00:19:57,537
I really admire
what you did for Edna.
404
00:19:57,571 --> 00:19:59,639
Oh, yeah, it's amazing...
when you don't have kids,
405
00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:02,108
it really frees up time to get
involved in your maid's life.
406
00:20:02,109 --> 00:20:03,109
Mm.
407
00:20:04,378 --> 00:20:06,513
You planned a lovely wedding.
408
00:20:06,547 --> 00:20:08,682
Well, thank you.
Thank you.
409
00:20:08,683 --> 00:20:11,751
You know, I, uh,
I-I went to the doctor,
410
00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:14,120
and I found out
that my testosterone
411
00:20:14,121 --> 00:20:16,423
was basically zero.
412
00:20:18,092 --> 00:20:20,460
So I got a prescription,
413
00:20:20,461 --> 00:20:23,063
and hopefully
I'll stop drinking appletinis
414
00:20:23,064 --> 00:20:25,465
and crying all the time.
415
00:20:28,135 --> 00:20:29,602
Hey, guys. Hi. Hey.
416
00:20:29,603 --> 00:20:30,870
Picked up the wedding pictures,
417
00:20:30,871 --> 00:20:33,039
and great news... I was able
to bargain the guy down
418
00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:34,341
to $3,000.
419
00:20:34,342 --> 00:20:36,776
Wow. Hey.
420
00:20:36,777 --> 00:20:38,611
Check these out.
Yeah.
421
00:20:38,612 --> 00:20:40,947
Aw.
Look at that.
422
00:20:40,982 --> 00:20:44,117
Oh. Aw,
look at those zinnias. Yeah.
423
00:20:44,151 --> 00:20:45,485
Yeah, it turned out great.
424
00:20:45,519 --> 00:20:47,454
Yeah, no thanks to you.
425
00:20:48,489 --> 00:20:51,791
Sorry. I'm sorry.
Let me just...
426
00:20:51,826 --> 00:20:53,860
Hola. Hola.
427
00:20:53,861 --> 00:20:56,730
Hey! What are you two
so happy about?
428
00:20:56,764 --> 00:20:57,831
We just got divorced.
429
00:21:02,703 --> 00:21:05,138
I get half his money.
430
00:21:05,139 --> 00:21:06,973
Six dollars!
431
00:21:10,644 --> 00:21:13,646
(Fiona Apple's
"Criminal" playing)
432
00:21:27,695 --> 00:21:30,530
(knocking on door)
433
00:21:30,531 --> 00:21:32,866
This is my time right now!
434
00:21:32,867 --> 00:21:34,868
This is my time.
435
00:21:36,137 --> 00:21:38,772
CAMILA: Honey, are you
taking your pills?
436
00:21:43,577 --> 00:21:46,546
(singing along):
I've been a bad, bad girl...
437
00:21:49,937 --> 00:21:52,875
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/
438
00:21:52,925 --> 00:21:57,475
Repair and Synchronization by
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