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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,319 DOORBELL RINGS All right, all right! Bloody hell! 2 00:00:04,320 --> 00:00:06,279 HE YAWNS LOUDLY 3 00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:08,759 - Here you go. - Why have you got my post? 4 00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:10,559 Have you been hassling the postman again? 5 00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:11,919 Well, he says he's a postman, 6 00:00:11,920 --> 00:00:14,679 but you can't trust anyone these days - thank you, Tony Blair. 7 00:00:14,680 --> 00:00:18,559 - Right, then, bye. - So, um, what are your plans for your birthday? 8 00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:20,959 - It's not my birthday. - You old wind-up merchant! 9 00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:24,079 My idea - you and me hit the pubs and get shitted. 10 00:00:24,080 --> 00:00:26,359 Like I say, it's not my birthday! 11 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:29,199 Then why have I got "Ken" written on the palm of my hand? 12 00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:33,159 - Because you're insane. - That's weird, I'm normally spot on with dates. 13 00:00:33,160 --> 00:00:35,320 Funny story about that. There was this little... 14 00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:42,559 - Ah, good morning! - Good morning! - Happy birthday, Dad. 15 00:00:42,560 --> 00:00:44,479 Oh, thank you! Aw! 16 00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:45,999 What's this? 17 00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:47,479 - THUD! - Ow! 18 00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:48,879 Oh, hey, Chief Ken! 19 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:51,559 - It's your birthday today - happy birthday! - Thank you! 20 00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:52,879 What are you... doing? 21 00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:55,639 Another all-night vigil, hoping for an e-mail from Ling. 22 00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:57,359 Not one phone call, not a letter, 23 00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:59,079 not a single e-mail since I left China. 24 00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:02,039 - Tea? - Tea! - Yeah. 25 00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:06,399 Oh! Is there anything there for me? Maybe from Shanghai, China? 26 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:09,719 - No, mate, just a couple of cards for the birthday boy. - Oh! 27 00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:11,759 Have you seen my shoes? 28 00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:17,079 - No. Not on this special morning! - You know, my brown ones for work. 29 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:18,679 Special for SOMEONE, anyway. 30 00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:21,639 Got a ton of meetings this morning and I've hardly slept a wink. Oh! 31 00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:24,439 There they are! I'm going to be late back. 32 00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:28,039 - I've sterilised Sid's bottles for you. - What a lovely present(!) 33 00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:29,639 It must be... 34 00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:35,239 my birthday! - See you all later. - Bye! 35 00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:36,960 DOOR CLOSES 36 00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:41,999 Oh, Ken, I completely forgot. 37 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:44,399 Car seat, in case you want to go out. 38 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:46,480 DOOR CLOSES 39 00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:03,119 - Check this out! Gold lame birthday banner! - Ho-ho! 40 00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:05,559 - This is going to be the best birthday ever! - Right. 41 00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:08,159 Tonight, we're going to party like it's 99 Red Balloons. 42 00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:11,119 - You've been listening to Lorna's CD collection again? - Yeah, I have. 43 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:14,279 - You want me to put one on? - No! God, no! 44 00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:15,959 Tonight is MY night. 45 00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:18,679 As soon as Lorna is home, we'll be having the holy trinity 46 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:20,479 of entertainment - 47 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:21,920 the quiz. 48 00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:24,279 The curry! 49 00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:27,319 And... the special anniversary edition 50 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:29,599 of The Dambusters... - ..Dambusters. 51 00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:32,879 Tri... vial Pursuit... What is this? 52 00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:35,719 It's what people did in the '80s when they didn't have television. 53 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:38,839 It's an incredible general knowledge quiz. It's the ultimate test of... 54 00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:41,040 Evening, Ken. Oh, fantastic(!) 55 00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:44,959 - Where'd you want this? - Not in my house? What is it? 56 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:49,279 Fresh batch of home-brew. Not your birthday, eh? You old rogue! 57 00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:51,079 You and me, we're going to neck this 58 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:54,119 and lock horns like two rutting stags. 59 00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:58,319 - Who let you in?! - Yes, Rachna, I'm on it. I'll sort it out first thing. 60 00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:00,319 Ah, good evening, darling! 61 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:02,839 BANGING 62 00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:06,999 - Steve? - What? - Thing is, this is a quiet occasion. 63 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,159 - For me and my family. - I am your family! 64 00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:10,719 You and me are like brothers, 65 00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:13,679 always ribbing each other, busting each other's gonads... 66 00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:17,359 - Sorry about that, love. How was your day? - Increasingly disappointing. 67 00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:19,759 I know what you mean. I've been rushed off my feet. 68 00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:23,559 - I've hardly had a chance to... - THUNDER RUMBLES 69 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:26,679 - ...wish you a happy birthday! - Thanks, love! 70 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:30,359 - I'm so glad you didn't forget. - I would never forget your birthday! 71 00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:33,319 But if I did, with a new baby and my current workload, it would 72 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:36,279 probably be forgivable. - Would it? 73 00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:37,559 BABY CRIES 74 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:41,679 I'll see to him. Don't you move! Back in a sec, birthday boy. 75 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,199 Mwah! 76 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:44,240 BANGING 77 00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:53,599 THUNDER RUMBLES Here we go... 78 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:55,160 ALL: Oh! 79 00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:57,959 Match point. 80 00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:00,719 Get this and we win. Dale, do not blurt out the answer. 81 00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:02,319 OK, I just really want to win! 82 00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:05,559 I know, and if you think you know it, and based on your past form, 83 00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:07,799 that's highly unlikely - then raise your hand. 84 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,240 Roger that. 85 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:12,279 - Right... - What's...? 86 00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:13,879 - Lichfield! - Dale! 87 00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:16,399 - I'm going to have to take his first answer. - Oh, come on! 88 00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:19,839 - All right, last chance. - What's this? 89 00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:24,679 Is it a card for a certain special someone? Happy birthday, gorgeous. 90 00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:26,199 Thank you! 91 00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:28,039 Ah. 92 00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:31,319 Lorna, did you get this out of the emergency card drawer in the bedroom? 93 00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:33,519 What emergency card drawer in the bedroom? 94 00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:37,679 - "To Ken, congratulations, you passed..." - Read on. 95 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:39,480 "..The age of 47." 96 00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:42,400 Thank you, love, it's perfect. 97 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:47,479 Do you know what would make this game even more interesting? 98 00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:48,999 A high-stakes wager. 99 00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:51,879 - Oh, no. - Your humiliation is enough for me, Steve. 100 00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:54,799 - I don't need to take your money as well. - I don't want your money, Ken. 101 00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:56,560 I want your body. 102 00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,719 Get this wrong and you have to join my dojo. 103 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:03,399 SHE TITTERS The judo club?! 104 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:07,479 - I don't think so. - Hm? - HE MAKES CHICKEN NOISES 105 00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:09,639 Blaaark, blaark, blaark! 106 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:13,039 Blaaark, blaark, blaark, blaark! BLAAARK, BLAARK! 107 00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:17,919 Go on, OK, if it'll shut you up, I'll take your little bet. 108 00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:20,479 If we get this wrong - which is highly unlikely 109 00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:26,159 because it's a blue pie, and I am the maestro of the blue - 110 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:30,279 then I'll join your pathetic little dojo. - And my hot tub club. - No. 111 00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:36,279 - All right. - However, if-- WHEN-- we get this right, you will go home. 112 00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:38,240 For ever. SHE GASPS 113 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:43,480 Deal. 114 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:47,000 - Yes! - Right, the bet is on! 115 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:49,959 HE BREATHES DEEPLY 116 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:53,679 - The question is... - Yes? 117 00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:55,400 - Nervous? - No. 118 00:05:56,960 --> 00:06:00,919 What animal comes after a horse in the Chinese calendar? 119 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:02,559 Oh, bollocks! 120 00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:04,279 MUFFLED SHOUTING 121 00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,519 SHOUTING CONTINUES 122 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:08,599 Ha! I know this one, guys! 123 00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:12,479 - You've said that every single time. - I know, but I lived in China, Ken. 124 00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:14,719 I know the language, the culture, 125 00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:17,599 I know when they put the bins out - it's Thursday. 126 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:20,479 And more than that, I know I can get this answer, 127 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:24,919 because it's linked to the most incredible experience of my life. 128 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:27,519 'I was travelling across the Far East 129 00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:30,599 'and found myself in the great city of Shanghai. 130 00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:32,519 'I needed to get a job, 131 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:37,479 'so I spent my last few yuan on a Teach Yourself Mandarin CD.' 132 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:40,439 WOMAN SPEAKS MANDARIN 133 00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:42,919 HE REPEATS 134 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:46,759 'I tell you, the Chinese do not like it when you ask for work. 135 00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:48,879 'They get super upset. 136 00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:51,559 'I was hungry and penniless.' 137 00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:53,399 KNOCK ON DOOR 138 00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:54,999 'But fate was about to...' 139 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:58,119 Fascinating as this is, Dale, can you please just tell us an answer?! 140 00:06:58,120 --> 00:06:59,879 I'm just about to, Chief Ken. 141 00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:02,199 He's stalling, thinking I'll give something away. 142 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:04,839 Well, he's wrong, I can sit like this for hours. 143 00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:07,879 Yeah, let's not put that to the test. Quick as you can, please, Dale. 144 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:10,559 - We are on a tight schedule. - Oh, shut up, Dad, I'm into this. 145 00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:12,919 Because after this, it's The Dambusters, so... 146 00:07:12,920 --> 00:07:16,279 We would be playing Trivial Pursuit in German if it wasn't for The Dambusters! 147 00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:20,279 - You might like to think about that, young lady. - (Take your time, Dale.) 148 00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:25,119 So, I was in my apartment, when there was a knock at the door. 149 00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:27,479 KNOCK ON DOOR 150 00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:29,520 HE SPEAKS CANTONESE 151 00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:33,879 Whoa! Slow down, buddy! 152 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:36,839 IN CANTONESE: 153 00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:38,319 SIREN WAILS 154 00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:41,879 'I guessed he made a delivery to the wrong address. 155 00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:45,279 'I decided to keep it safe until he came back. 156 00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:48,879 'Then I noticed something really weird. 157 00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:52,999 'Each duck had a bag of white powder hidden inside. 158 00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:56,359 'I didn't know what it was, so I piled them neatly together 159 00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:58,240 'and waited. 160 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,319 'And waited... 161 00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:02,719 'And waited. 162 00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:05,719 'I hadn't eaten a proper meal in days. 163 00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:08,279 'I didn't want the guy to get in trouble, 164 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,559 'so I didn't touch a single duck. 165 00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:13,959 'It was late and soon I fell asleep. 166 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:18,439 'When I woke up... they were in my room!' 167 00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:21,399 - MEN SPEAK MANDARIN - 'I didn't catch all of what they were saying, 168 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:24,599 'but it was something to do with money and laundering. 169 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:28,919 'That's when I realised, duck is so messy to eat that they 170 00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:33,439 'included washing powder, so people could launder their tablecloths after.' 171 00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:37,039 - Washing powder! - Yeah! Considerate, right? 172 00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:38,199 HE TITTERS 173 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:41,439 The laundry guys were so pleased I didn't touch their merchandise, 174 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:45,639 they asked if I was interested in a career in business. 175 00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:50,959 'The next night, their boss came around to meet me. This was Mr Xi. 176 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:53,319 - 'A gangster? - Yes, Chief Ken. 177 00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:56,120 'Although there was no way to tell that at the time. 178 00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:03,119 'And behind Mr Xi, there she was, his daughter... 179 00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:04,640 'Ling.' 180 00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:10,679 'She was without doubt the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. 181 00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:14,919 'Not just beautiful, but mysterious and amazing...' 182 00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:17,959 You know what, Dad's right - maybe you could just skip this stuff. 183 00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:20,719 - Oh, but Ling is the reason I know the answer. - Oh. 184 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:23,159 - Well, Ling and the chicken. - The chicken? 185 00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:25,159 Is that the answer, the year of the chicken? 186 00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:29,079 Wrong! I win! Yes! Come on! 187 00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:31,959 - That was not an answer, I was conferring with Dale. - Yeah! 188 00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:33,559 It's not the year of the chicken. 189 00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:36,159 Actually the chicken is kind of a surprise in the story. 190 00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:38,639 - Forget I mentioned the chicken. - Just get on with it! 191 00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:41,479 So I'll just skip all the stuff at Ling being 192 00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:43,519 so beautiful I forgot how to breathe? 193 00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:45,320 I mean... 194 00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:51,119 First time I saw Connie was at a debate on capital punishment. 195 00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:56,119 I was, er, pro-electric chair and she was - typical Connie, really - 196 00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:58,639 pro-hanging. 197 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,919 We compromised on lethal injection. 198 00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:04,200 Life was... much simpler then. 199 00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:07,160 Fuckin' hell. 200 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:12,199 HE BELCHES QUIETLY 201 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:16,000 Anyways, um, so Mr Xi had come to offer me a job. 202 00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:22,319 'Before I could join their family business, I had to pass a test. 203 00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:26,319 'They placed a strange object on the table. 204 00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:31,039 - 'It looked like a cage, but what animal could be inside? - A chicken? 205 00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:35,559 'It was a chick... Oh, gosh darn it, Dale! 206 00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:39,119 'Anyways, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. 207 00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:42,800 'All I knew was that the chicken was super sacred to them.' 208 00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:47,760 I got it. 209 00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:52,640 WATER RUNS 210 00:10:55,920 --> 00:11:00,639 Hi, Mr Chicken! Are you thirsty? I got you water! 211 00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:02,279 DALE LAUGHS IDIOTICALLY 212 00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:03,759 MR XI SPEAKS MANDARIN 213 00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:05,680 'This did not go down well. 214 00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:10,520 LOUD GRUNTING 215 00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:22,599 What? 216 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:23,800 This? 217 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:28,520 - HE CHUCKLES - I got this about three years ago when I was part of a cult. 218 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:32,719 I thought it was all above board, 219 00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:35,159 but it turns out it was quite a dangerous organisation. 220 00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:37,119 Can you imagine? 221 00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:40,279 'It turned out the Chinese really love triangles! 222 00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:43,039 - 'Super lucky, huh? - HE TITTERS 223 00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:47,080 'But what happens next was even more incredible.' 224 00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:52,479 I'm going for a slash. That home-brew has gone right through me. 225 00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:56,279 - And you won't be needing this. - Not going to cheat, Steve! 226 00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:58,440 Not now you're not. 227 00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:02,119 Right, I'm going to Google the answers so we can get rid of him. 228 00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:06,879 - Relax, Chief Ken, I got this! - Yes. But just in case, where's my phone. 229 00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:08,440 I've got that too. 230 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:13,559 - Who wants a beer? - Yeah, go on. - That would be nice, actually. 231 00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:15,199 Maybe with a slice of birthday cake. 232 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,679 Did you... get a cake? 233 00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:18,919 Tsk! 234 00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:20,800 Ken, I am on it! 235 00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:27,319 - Ken? - What?! - Is your phone waterproof? 236 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:29,200 Oh, God... 237 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:34,839 Are you all right, Mum? 238 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,959 I hid some Jaffa Cakes somewhere when I was pregnant. 239 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:42,719 - Maybe if I stick a candle in one of them. - I dunno, maybe. 240 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:46,559 - SHE SIGHS - Oh, Rach, have I become one of those high-powered 241 00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:49,839 career women that puts their job before their family? 242 00:12:49,840 --> 00:12:51,720 You know what, I think you're OK. 243 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:58,639 Work's mad. And I'm getting out of sync with your dad. And Sid. 244 00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:03,719 And you. I mean, how are you, Rach? How's your job with Nina? 245 00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:06,039 Well, Nina's mental, obviously. 246 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:08,799 I think, if I could change one thing, though, it would be Dale 247 00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:12,559 constantly going on about his passionate love for another woman. 248 00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:15,599 I wouldn't worry too much about that. I mean... 249 00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:19,119 - Dale punched that bloke Freddie, didn't he? - Mm. 250 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:23,319 - He's obviously got feelings for you deep down. - Annoyingly deep down. 251 00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:28,639 Look... you're here, she's not. It's like property, isn't it? 252 00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:32,479 She's not taken possession. You're squatting on her man. 253 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:34,959 And if you hang on long enough... 254 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:37,240 I'll get to squat on him for ever. 255 00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:42,679 - Mum... that's such a bad metaphor. - Yeah, eugh! 256 00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:44,079 HAIRDRYER DRONES 257 00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:47,999 A decent phone should be waterproof up to 50 metres. 258 00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:49,719 - Turn it off! - What? 259 00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:51,359 TURN IT OFF! 260 00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:52,599 HE TURNS IT OFF 261 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:56,240 - Should I continue my story now? - Oh, God, yes! - OK. 262 00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:03,679 'So Mr Xi had seen my triangle tattoo 263 00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:06,679 'and he took this as a sign of good luck. 264 00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:10,400 'He decided to give me another chance to join the family business. 265 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:20,239 'There was a long red scar going right across his chest. 266 00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:23,839 'Mr Xi pointed to the scar and said...' 267 00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:27,080 How... did I... get this? 268 00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:34,360 'I looked at the others, but they were giving nothing away.' 269 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:42,999 THUNDER RUMBLES 270 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:47,079 So Mr Xi said I had 20 questions to guess how he got his scar. 271 00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:48,679 Get it right and he'd let me 272 00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:51,199 join his close-knit community of businessmen. 273 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:53,679 Get it wrong, he'd remove my skin. 274 00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:56,559 Dale! What were you thinking?? 275 00:14:56,560 --> 00:15:00,879 - I was thinking, if I'm going to be a businessman, I should probably buy a suit. - Mm. Yes. Mm. 276 00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:02,799 BABY CRIES 277 00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:05,000 Lorn, can you see to him? 278 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:10,720 I'll be right back. 279 00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:13,240 Time for a refill. 280 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:20,399 So, Ling was in the room, but she was ignoring you. 281 00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:23,279 Yeah, but it just made her that much more mysterious. 282 00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:25,279 Mysterious slash unhelpful. 283 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:29,199 - Unhelpful? - Yeah. - Ling? 284 00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:30,999 Yeah, I guess you don't really know Ling 285 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:34,079 or you would understand how funny that is! 286 00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:36,999 But, yeah, when I go back to China, you should totally come meet her. 287 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:38,559 Yeah, are you going back? 288 00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:40,639 I mean, have you heard from her yet? 289 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:41,799 Not... Not yet. 290 00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,039 But I guess the post is kind of slow from China. 291 00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:46,599 - She could phone or e-mail, couldn't she? - Yeah, she will. 292 00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:48,519 Just when the timing's right, you know? 293 00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:49,959 Dale, I don't... 294 00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,199 Guess how I got my scar. 295 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,000 Steve! I've no idea. 296 00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:56,039 Little bugger won't settle. 297 00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:57,719 I'll take him. 298 00:15:57,720 --> 00:15:59,879 Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh! 299 00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:01,399 Right, what did I miss? 300 00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:03,599 I'm just trying to guess how Steve got his scar. 301 00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:05,599 Oh, God. Put your shirt back on. 302 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,319 It was a mole. I removed it myself. 303 00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:09,159 Bloody agony. 304 00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:10,639 So, come on. 305 00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:11,880 - How did it end? - Oh. 306 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:17,200 So, I had 20 questions to guess how Mr Xi got the scar. 307 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:25,160 I sat cross-legged on the floor as Ling served us green tea. 308 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,679 Mr Xi was super fussy about his tea 309 00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:39,799 and would only drink it when it was two degrees off boiling point. 310 00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:41,200 Argh! 311 00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:46,399 Only then could I ask a question 312 00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:49,679 and try to solve the riddle of the scar. 313 00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:52,719 I was only allowed one question per night, 314 00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,879 which, at first, I found very difficult. 315 00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:57,480 Do you want any milk with your tea? 316 00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:04,360 Did you get it in a fight? 317 00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:09,640 Did you have an operation? 318 00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:19,600 Are you sure you didn't want any milk with your tea? 319 00:17:24,360 --> 00:17:25,800 Argh! 320 00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:49,639 From that night on, seeing her became the highlight of my day. 321 00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:51,679 I started delaying asking the question 322 00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:53,720 so I could be around her for longer. 323 00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:59,360 Night by night, I turned the whole thing into an elaborate show. 324 00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:04,079 They seemed to like it, 325 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:06,840 especially Ling, who would clap and laugh. 326 00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:10,080 HE SPEAKS MANDARIN 327 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:15,559 But, all too soon, the time would come to ask the question 328 00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:18,239 and, all too soon, I'd get it wrong. 329 00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:19,720 Did you work in a circus? 330 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:28,319 Has anybody got a towel? 331 00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:29,679 Lorn, where have you been? 332 00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:32,839 - Tesco. - Tesco? It's a force-ten gale outside. 333 00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:36,439 I know, but look! A cake! 334 00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:39,639 - Oh. - I mean, it's a bit weather-beaten, but... 335 00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:42,999 I think I can put this back together. 336 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,679 Bloody seal's jammed again. 337 00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:46,759 Seem to have run out of nappies. 338 00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:49,679 Oh, yeah. Don't worry, Chief Ken. I'll have this together in no time. 339 00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:50,999 BABY CRIES 340 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:53,319 - Come on! - We could still put some meringues on it! 341 00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:54,919 I can't seem to find any. Mum! 342 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:57,799 Don't you worry, Chief Ken. I'll have this cake together in no time. 343 00:18:57,800 --> 00:18:59,639 I know we've got some candles somewhere. 344 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:01,879 - BABY CRIES - Come on! 345 00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:03,600 EVERYONE SPEAKS AT ONCE 346 00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:15,919 Right! That's it! 347 00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:18,000 My birthday is now officially over. 348 00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:25,520 KNOCK ON DOOR 349 00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:29,240 Oh. 350 00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:34,519 Just confirming that a refusal to answer counts as a wrong answer, 351 00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:36,399 in which case I win the bet. 352 00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,679 Go away. 353 00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:39,919 You're not serious. 354 00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:41,999 It's no way to treat your best mate. 355 00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:43,279 Come on, Steve. 356 00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:45,600 You're not my best mate. You never were. 357 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:49,239 Wow. 358 00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:51,079 That... Wow. 359 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:52,560 I didn't see that coming. 360 00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:56,919 I can handle Connie leaving me 361 00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:58,439 again. 362 00:19:58,440 --> 00:20:01,319 I can accept my kids not wanting to take my calls. 363 00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,879 I can even deal 364 00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:05,880 with my sensei blanking me... 365 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:08,759 ...in Lidl. 366 00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:10,120 But this... 367 00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:14,439 - Look, let's just go home. - Hold me! 368 00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:17,839 - Get off me! - I've had no physical intimacy since Connie left me again. 369 00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:19,719 I need to be held. 370 00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:21,719 Ooh. Oh. 371 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:24,640 Oh. Oh. 372 00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:28,719 We're still best mates, aren't we? 373 00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:30,200 Uh-huh. 374 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,199 He's coming. He's coming. 375 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:35,519 Everybody! 376 00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:38,519 ? For he's a jolly good fellow 377 00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:41,239 ? For he's a jolly good fellow 378 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:45,319 ? For he's a jolly good fellow 379 00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:48,359 ? And so say all of us! ? 380 00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:49,880 THEY CHEER 381 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:52,119 Make a wish! 382 00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:53,159 OK. 383 00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:54,919 I wish that you would finish your story 384 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,320 so that I can get to bed. 385 00:20:58,120 --> 00:20:59,879 You got it, birthday boy. 386 00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:03,440 And so it all hinges on the last night. 387 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,759 I'd used up all my goes 388 00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:12,240 and now Mr Xi needed a final answer. 389 00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:17,119 Guess correctly and I'd join the family business. 390 00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:21,000 Guess wrong and I would have to make my way in life with no head. 391 00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:23,719 I had no clue what to say 392 00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:26,000 and I racked my brain for inspiration. 393 00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:29,360 What could cause a scar like that? 394 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:35,759 I'd heard him say he'd grown up by the sea 395 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:38,240 and that he would often go swimming there. 396 00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:47,000 You answer now. 397 00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:53,079 She mouthed the words "Stin ree," 398 00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:55,000 which I think means "Good luck." 399 00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:03,319 Yes! Yeah, all right. 400 00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:04,920 I'm ready to give my answer. 401 00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:08,039 It has something to do 402 00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:09,120 with the ocean. 403 00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,080 Something very dangerous. 404 00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:15,640 You... 405 00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:18,040 ...got your scar... 406 00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:22,280 ...waterskiing! 407 00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:25,040 Yeah. 408 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:34,559 I'd guessed correctly 409 00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:36,759 and Mr Xi was as good as his word. 410 00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:39,679 The next day, I was officially welcomed into the family 411 00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:41,320 and made a delivery boy. 412 00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:48,159 So I learned a valuable lesson that day. 413 00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:51,039 In fact, I learned 12 of them which I will now explain. 414 00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:52,679 - First lesson... - No. 415 00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:54,079 Enough is enough. 416 00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:55,279 Steve, ask the question. 417 00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:59,919 Here we go. Get this right and you win the bet. 418 00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:02,999 Get this wrong and the Lichfield Mixed Martial Arts Centre 419 00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:06,159 gets a 6'8" white belt with a heart of gold. 420 00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:07,799 Just get on with it. 421 00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:11,920 OK, so, what animal comes after the horse in the Chinese calendar? 422 00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:20,560 The monkey! 423 00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:23,319 It's wrong. 424 00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:25,199 It's... It's the goat. 425 00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:27,599 - What? - The goat! 426 00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:30,799 How about that! It's the goat! 427 00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:33,519 - So what was the point of that story? - There was a moral, Chief Ken. 428 00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:35,399 Did not see it? 429 00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:37,800 Sometimes, you've just got to guess. 430 00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:44,039 Well, thank you, Confucius! 431 00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:46,919 So judo is Tuesdays and Thursday night in the Scout hut. 432 00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:49,199 Thursdays is full contact, so you have to pad up. 433 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:51,439 - Go home. - Before that, I'm going to have to come round 434 00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:53,519 and just test your reactions. 435 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:56,359 Just really to see what kind of fighting skills you have. 436 00:23:56,360 --> 00:23:58,799 I'm sensing probably quite a low level, 437 00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:01,480 but, don't worry, I'll take you through it. 438 00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:10,879 I've got something for you. 439 00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:12,119 It's not curry, is it? 440 00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:14,440 Not this time of night, you great trougher! 441 00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:21,519 Lorn! An evening with Simon Schama! 442 00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:23,119 It's in London next month. 443 00:24:23,120 --> 00:24:25,320 I thought we could make a weekend of it. 444 00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:27,800 Thank you. 445 00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:30,959 Oh. So no Dambusters, then? 446 00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:34,999 Yeah. Survived the Nazis, killed by a bellend. 447 00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:38,519 Guess what, guys! I got a surprise! 448 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:41,919 I felt really bad about earlier, so I got another cake. 449 00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:44,679 Also, the guy in the shop said, if we're having a party, 450 00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:46,919 we could use some of these things. - Whoo! 451 00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:48,119 That's really nice, Dale, 452 00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:50,199 but I think we should all probably head to bed. 453 00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:51,440 - Dad! - Oh, Ken. 454 00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:55,640 What sort of cake is it? 455 00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:02,000 - White chocolate. - Good. - I'll get some plates. 456 00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:06,239 What? 457 00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:07,999 I don't know. It's just... 458 00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,479 My whole life, I've been a part of different families, 459 00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:12,639 each with their own way of doing things. 460 00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:15,319 Vashradi told us to intercourse with aliens, 461 00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:18,399 Mr Xi chopped peoples' tongues off for telling lies, 462 00:25:18,400 --> 00:25:21,759 and you like your dishwasher on economy cycle. 463 00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:24,039 It's hard to tell who's got it right. 464 00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:25,879 I do know this - 465 00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:27,959 the only place I've ever felt at home 466 00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:29,759 is right here. 467 00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:31,119 Well, It's very sweet, Dale, 468 00:25:31,120 --> 00:25:33,559 but I am British, so take it down a notch. 469 00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:35,799 You've really been like a dad to me, Chief Ken. 470 00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:37,439 Maybe a notch more. 471 00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:39,920 I'm going to miss you when I go back to China. 472 00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:46,479 - No. Not that. - OK. 473 00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:47,800 DOORBELL RINGS 474 00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:51,600 She did get me a curry! 475 00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:56,759 Ah! 476 00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:58,560 - Argh! - Argh! 477 00:25:58,610 --> 00:26:03,160 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 36847

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