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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,319
DOORBELL RINGS
All right, all right! Bloody hell!
2
00:00:04,320 --> 00:00:06,279
HE YAWNS LOUDLY
3
00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:08,759
- Here you go.
- Why have you got my post?
4
00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:10,559
Have you been hassling
the postman again?
5
00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:11,919
Well, he says he's a postman,
6
00:00:11,920 --> 00:00:14,679
but you can't trust anyone these
days - thank you, Tony Blair.
7
00:00:14,680 --> 00:00:18,559
- Right, then, bye.
- So, um, what are your plans for your birthday?
8
00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:20,959
- It's not my birthday.
- You old wind-up merchant!
9
00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:24,079
My idea - you and me hit the pubs
and get shitted.
10
00:00:24,080 --> 00:00:26,359
Like I say, it's not my birthday!
11
00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:29,199
Then why have I got "Ken"
written on the palm of my hand?
12
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:33,159
- Because you're insane.
- That's weird, I'm normally spot on with dates.
13
00:00:33,160 --> 00:00:35,320
Funny story about that.
There was this little...
14
00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:42,559
- Ah, good morning!
- Good morning! - Happy birthday, Dad.
15
00:00:42,560 --> 00:00:44,479
Oh, thank you! Aw!
16
00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:45,999
What's this?
17
00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:47,479
- THUD!
- Ow!
18
00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:48,879
Oh, hey, Chief Ken!
19
00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:51,559
- It's your birthday today -
happy birthday! - Thank you!
20
00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:52,879
What are you... doing?
21
00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:55,639
Another all-night vigil,
hoping for an e-mail from Ling.
22
00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:57,359
Not one phone call, not a letter,
23
00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:59,079
not a single e-mail
since I left China.
24
00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:02,039
- Tea?
- Tea! - Yeah.
25
00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:06,399
Oh! Is there anything there for me?
Maybe from Shanghai, China?
26
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:09,719
- No, mate, just a couple of cards
for the birthday boy. - Oh!
27
00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:11,759
Have you seen my shoes?
28
00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:17,079
- No. Not on this special morning!
- You know, my brown ones for work.
29
00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:18,679
Special for SOMEONE, anyway.
30
00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:21,639
Got a ton of meetings this morning
and I've hardly slept a wink. Oh!
31
00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:24,439
There they are!
I'm going to be late back.
32
00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:28,039
- I've sterilised Sid's bottles for you.
- What a lovely present(!)
33
00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:29,639
It must be...
34
00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:35,239
my birthday!
- See you all later. - Bye!
35
00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:36,960
DOOR CLOSES
36
00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:41,999
Oh, Ken, I completely forgot.
37
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:44,399
Car seat, in case you want
to go out.
38
00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:46,480
DOOR CLOSES
39
00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:03,119
- Check this out!
Gold lame birthday banner! - Ho-ho!
40
00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:05,559
- This is going to be
the best birthday ever! - Right.
41
00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:08,159
Tonight, we're going to party
like it's 99 Red Balloons.
42
00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:11,119
- You've been listening to Lorna's
CD collection again? - Yeah, I have.
43
00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:14,279
- You want me to put one on?
- No! God, no!
44
00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:15,959
Tonight is MY night.
45
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:18,679
As soon as Lorna is home,
we'll be having the holy trinity
46
00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:20,479
of entertainment -
47
00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:21,920
the quiz.
48
00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:24,279
The curry!
49
00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:27,319
And... the special anniversary
edition
50
00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:29,599
of The Dambusters...
- ..Dambusters.
51
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:32,879
Tri... vial Pursuit...
What is this?
52
00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:35,719
It's what people did in the '80s
when they didn't have television.
53
00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:38,839
It's an incredible general knowledge
quiz. It's the ultimate test of...
54
00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:41,040
Evening, Ken. Oh, fantastic(!)
55
00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:44,959
- Where'd you want this?
- Not in my house? What is it?
56
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:49,279
Fresh batch of home-brew. Not
your birthday, eh? You old rogue!
57
00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:51,079
You and me,
we're going to neck this
58
00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:54,119
and lock horns
like two rutting stags.
59
00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:58,319
- Who let you in?!
- Yes, Rachna, I'm on it. I'll sort it out first thing.
60
00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:00,319
Ah, good evening, darling!
61
00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:02,839
BANGING
62
00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:06,999
- Steve?
- What? - Thing is, this is a quiet occasion.
63
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,159
- For me and my family.
- I am your family!
64
00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:10,719
You and me are like brothers,
65
00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:13,679
always ribbing each other,
busting each other's gonads...
66
00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:17,359
- Sorry about that, love.
How was your day? - Increasingly disappointing.
67
00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:19,759
I know what you mean.
I've been rushed off my feet.
68
00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:23,559
- I've hardly had a chance to...
- THUNDER RUMBLES
69
00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:26,679
- ...wish you a happy birthday!
- Thanks, love!
70
00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:30,359
- I'm so glad you didn't forget.
- I would never forget your birthday!
71
00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:33,319
But if I did, with a new baby
and my current workload, it would
72
00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:36,279
probably be forgivable.
- Would it?
73
00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:37,559
BABY CRIES
74
00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:41,679
I'll see to him. Don't you move!
Back in a sec, birthday boy.
75
00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,199
Mwah!
76
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:44,240
BANGING
77
00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:53,599
THUNDER RUMBLES
Here we go...
78
00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:55,160
ALL: Oh!
79
00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:57,959
Match point.
80
00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:00,719
Get this and we win.
Dale, do not blurt out the answer.
81
00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:02,319
OK, I just really want to win!
82
00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:05,559
I know, and if you think you know it,
and based on your past form,
83
00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:07,799
that's highly unlikely -
then raise your hand.
84
00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,240
Roger that.
85
00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:12,279
- Right...
- What's...?
86
00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:13,879
- Lichfield!
- Dale!
87
00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:16,399
- I'm going to have to take
his first answer. - Oh, come on!
88
00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:19,839
- All right, last chance.
- What's this?
89
00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:24,679
Is it a card for a certain special
someone? Happy birthday, gorgeous.
90
00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:26,199
Thank you!
91
00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:28,039
Ah.
92
00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:31,319
Lorna, did you get this out of the
emergency card drawer in the bedroom?
93
00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:33,519
What emergency card drawer
in the bedroom?
94
00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:37,679
- "To Ken, congratulations,
you passed..." - Read on.
95
00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:39,480
"..The age of 47."
96
00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:42,400
Thank you, love, it's perfect.
97
00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:47,479
Do you know what would make
this game even more interesting?
98
00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:48,999
A high-stakes wager.
99
00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:51,879
- Oh, no.
- Your humiliation is enough for me, Steve.
100
00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:54,799
- I don't need to take
your money as well. - I don't want your money, Ken.
101
00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:56,560
I want your body.
102
00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,719
Get this wrong
and you have to join my dojo.
103
00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:03,399
SHE TITTERS
The judo club?!
104
00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:07,479
- I don't think so.
- Hm? - HE MAKES CHICKEN NOISES
105
00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:09,639
Blaaark, blaark, blaark!
106
00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:13,039
Blaaark, blaark, blaark, blaark!
BLAAARK, BLAARK!
107
00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:17,919
Go on, OK, if it'll shut you up,
I'll take your little bet.
108
00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:20,479
If we get this wrong -
which is highly unlikely
109
00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:26,159
because it's a blue pie,
and I am the maestro of the blue -
110
00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:30,279
then I'll join your pathetic little dojo.
- And my hot tub club. - No.
111
00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:36,279
- All right.
- However, if-- WHEN-- we get this right, you will go home.
112
00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:38,240
For ever.
SHE GASPS
113
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:43,480
Deal.
114
00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:47,000
- Yes!
- Right, the bet is on!
115
00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:49,959
HE BREATHES DEEPLY
116
00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:53,679
- The question is...
- Yes?
117
00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:55,400
- Nervous?
- No.
118
00:05:56,960 --> 00:06:00,919
What animal comes after
a horse in the Chinese calendar?
119
00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:02,559
Oh, bollocks!
120
00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:04,279
MUFFLED SHOUTING
121
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,519
SHOUTING CONTINUES
122
00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:08,599
Ha! I know this one, guys!
123
00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:12,479
- You've said that every single time.
- I know, but I lived in China, Ken.
124
00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:14,719
I know the language,
the culture,
125
00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:17,599
I know when they put
the bins out - it's Thursday.
126
00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:20,479
And more than that,
I know I can get this answer,
127
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:24,919
because it's linked to the most
incredible experience of my life.
128
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:27,519
'I was travelling
across the Far East
129
00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:30,599
'and found myself
in the great city of Shanghai.
130
00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:32,519
'I needed to get a job,
131
00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:37,479
'so I spent my last few yuan
on a Teach Yourself Mandarin CD.'
132
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:40,439
WOMAN SPEAKS MANDARIN
133
00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:42,919
HE REPEATS
134
00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:46,759
'I tell you, the Chinese do not
like it when you ask for work.
135
00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:48,879
'They get super upset.
136
00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:51,559
'I was hungry and penniless.'
137
00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:53,399
KNOCK ON DOOR
138
00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:54,999
'But fate was about to...'
139
00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:58,119
Fascinating as this is, Dale, can
you please just tell us an answer?!
140
00:06:58,120 --> 00:06:59,879
I'm just about to, Chief Ken.
141
00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:02,199
He's stalling,
thinking I'll give something away.
142
00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:04,839
Well, he's wrong,
I can sit like this for hours.
143
00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:07,879
Yeah, let's not put that to the test.
Quick as you can, please, Dale.
144
00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:10,559
- We are on a tight schedule.
- Oh, shut up, Dad, I'm into this.
145
00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:12,919
Because after this,
it's The Dambusters, so...
146
00:07:12,920 --> 00:07:16,279
We would be playing Trivial Pursuit in
German if it wasn't for The Dambusters!
147
00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:20,279
- You might like to think about that,
young lady. - (Take your time, Dale.)
148
00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:25,119
So, I was in my apartment,
when there was a knock at the door.
149
00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:27,479
KNOCK ON DOOR
150
00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:29,520
HE SPEAKS CANTONESE
151
00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:33,879
Whoa! Slow down, buddy!
152
00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:36,839
IN CANTONESE:
153
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:38,319
SIREN WAILS
154
00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:41,879
'I guessed he made
a delivery to the wrong address.
155
00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:45,279
'I decided to keep it safe
until he came back.
156
00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:48,879
'Then I noticed something
really weird.
157
00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:52,999
'Each duck had a bag of white
powder hidden inside.
158
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:56,359
'I didn't know what it was,
so I piled them neatly together
159
00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:58,240
'and waited.
160
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,319
'And waited...
161
00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:02,719
'And waited.
162
00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:05,719
'I hadn't eaten a proper meal
in days.
163
00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:08,279
'I didn't want the guy
to get in trouble,
164
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,559
'so I didn't touch a single duck.
165
00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:13,959
'It was late and soon
I fell asleep.
166
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:18,439
'When I woke up...
they were in my room!'
167
00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:21,399
- MEN SPEAK MANDARIN
- 'I didn't catch all of what they were saying,
168
00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:24,599
'but it was something to do
with money and laundering.
169
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:28,919
'That's when I realised,
duck is so messy to eat that they
170
00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:33,439
'included washing powder,
so people could launder their tablecloths after.'
171
00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:37,039
- Washing powder!
- Yeah! Considerate, right?
172
00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:38,199
HE TITTERS
173
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:41,439
The laundry guys were so pleased
I didn't touch their merchandise,
174
00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:45,639
they asked if I was interested
in a career in business.
175
00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:50,959
'The next night, their boss came
around to meet me. This was Mr Xi.
176
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:53,319
- 'A gangster?
- Yes, Chief Ken.
177
00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:56,120
'Although there was no way
to tell that at the time.
178
00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:03,119
'And behind Mr Xi,
there she was, his daughter...
179
00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:04,640
'Ling.'
180
00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:10,679
'She was without doubt the most
beautiful girl I had ever seen.
181
00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:14,919
'Not just beautiful,
but mysterious and amazing...'
182
00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:17,959
You know what, Dad's right - maybe
you could just skip this stuff.
183
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:20,719
- Oh, but Ling is the reason
I know the answer. - Oh.
184
00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:23,159
- Well, Ling and the chicken.
- The chicken?
185
00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:25,159
Is that the answer,
the year of the chicken?
186
00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:29,079
Wrong! I win! Yes! Come on!
187
00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:31,959
- That was not an answer,
I was conferring with Dale. - Yeah!
188
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:33,559
It's not the year of the chicken.
189
00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:36,159
Actually the chicken is
kind of a surprise in the story.
190
00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:38,639
- Forget I mentioned the chicken.
- Just get on with it!
191
00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:41,479
So I'll just skip all
the stuff at Ling being
192
00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:43,519
so beautiful
I forgot how to breathe?
193
00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:45,320
I mean...
194
00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:51,119
First time I saw Connie was
at a debate on capital punishment.
195
00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:56,119
I was, er, pro-electric chair and
she was - typical Connie, really -
196
00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:58,639
pro-hanging.
197
00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,919
We compromised on lethal injection.
198
00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:04,200
Life was... much simpler then.
199
00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:07,160
Fuckin' hell.
200
00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:12,199
HE BELCHES QUIETLY
201
00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:16,000
Anyways, um,
so Mr Xi had come to offer me a job.
202
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:22,319
'Before I could join their family
business, I had to pass a test.
203
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:26,319
'They placed a strange
object on the table.
204
00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:31,039
- 'It looked like a cage, but what
animal could be inside? - A chicken?
205
00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:35,559
'It was a chick...
Oh, gosh darn it, Dale!
206
00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:39,119
'Anyways, I wasn't sure
what I was supposed to do.
207
00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:42,800
'All I knew was that the chicken
was super sacred to them.'
208
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:47,760
I got it.
209
00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:52,640
WATER RUNS
210
00:10:55,920 --> 00:11:00,639
Hi, Mr Chicken! Are you thirsty?
I got you water!
211
00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:02,279
DALE LAUGHS IDIOTICALLY
212
00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:03,759
MR XI SPEAKS MANDARIN
213
00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:05,680
'This did not go down well.
214
00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:10,520
LOUD GRUNTING
215
00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:22,599
What?
216
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:23,800
This?
217
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:28,520
- HE CHUCKLES
- I got this about three years ago when I was part of a cult.
218
00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:32,719
I thought it was all above board,
219
00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:35,159
but it turns out it was quite
a dangerous organisation.
220
00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:37,119
Can you imagine?
221
00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:40,279
'It turned out the Chinese
really love triangles!
222
00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:43,039
- 'Super lucky, huh?
- HE TITTERS
223
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:47,080
'But what happens next
was even more incredible.'
224
00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:52,479
I'm going for a slash. That
home-brew has gone right through me.
225
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:56,279
- And you won't be needing this.
- Not going to cheat, Steve!
226
00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:58,440
Not now you're not.
227
00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:02,119
Right, I'm going to Google the
answers so we can get rid of him.
228
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:06,879
- Relax, Chief Ken, I got this!
- Yes. But just in case, where's my phone.
229
00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:08,440
I've got that too.
230
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:13,559
- Who wants a beer?
- Yeah, go on. - That would be nice, actually.
231
00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:15,199
Maybe with a slice of birthday cake.
232
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,679
Did you... get a cake?
233
00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:18,919
Tsk!
234
00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:20,800
Ken, I am on it!
235
00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:27,319
- Ken?
- What?! - Is your phone waterproof?
236
00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:29,200
Oh, God...
237
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:34,839
Are you all right, Mum?
238
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,959
I hid some Jaffa Cakes somewhere
when I was pregnant.
239
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:42,719
- Maybe if I stick a candle
in one of them. - I dunno, maybe.
240
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:46,559
- SHE SIGHS
- Oh, Rach, have I become one of those high-powered
241
00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:49,839
career women that
puts their job before their family?
242
00:12:49,840 --> 00:12:51,720
You know what, I think you're OK.
243
00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:58,639
Work's mad. And I'm getting out
of sync with your dad. And Sid.
244
00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:03,719
And you. I mean, how are you,
Rach? How's your job with Nina?
245
00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:06,039
Well, Nina's mental, obviously.
246
00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:08,799
I think, if I could change one
thing, though, it would be Dale
247
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:12,559
constantly going on about his
passionate love for another woman.
248
00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:15,599
I wouldn't worry too much
about that. I mean...
249
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:19,119
- Dale punched that bloke Freddie,
didn't he? - Mm.
250
00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:23,319
- He's obviously got feelings
for you deep down. - Annoyingly deep down.
251
00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:28,639
Look... you're here, she's not.
It's like property, isn't it?
252
00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:32,479
She's not taken possession.
You're squatting on her man.
253
00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:34,959
And if you hang on long enough...
254
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:37,240
I'll get to squat on him for ever.
255
00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:42,679
- Mum... that's such a bad metaphor.
- Yeah, eugh!
256
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:44,079
HAIRDRYER DRONES
257
00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:47,999
A decent phone should be waterproof
up to 50 metres.
258
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:49,719
- Turn it off!
- What?
259
00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:51,359
TURN IT OFF!
260
00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:52,599
HE TURNS IT OFF
261
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:56,240
- Should I continue my story now?
- Oh, God, yes! - OK.
262
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:03,679
'So Mr Xi had seen
my triangle tattoo
263
00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:06,679
'and he took this
as a sign of good luck.
264
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:10,400
'He decided to give me another
chance to join the family business.
265
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:20,239
'There was a long red scar
going right across his chest.
266
00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:23,839
'Mr Xi pointed to the scar
and said...'
267
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:27,080
How... did I... get this?
268
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:34,360
'I looked at the others,
but they were giving nothing away.'
269
00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:42,999
THUNDER RUMBLES
270
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:47,079
So Mr Xi said I had 20 questions
to guess how he got his scar.
271
00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:48,679
Get it right and he'd let me
272
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:51,199
join his close-knit
community of businessmen.
273
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:53,679
Get it wrong, he'd remove my skin.
274
00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:56,559
Dale! What were you thinking??
275
00:14:56,560 --> 00:15:00,879
- I was thinking, if I'm going to be a
businessman, I should probably buy a suit. - Mm. Yes. Mm.
276
00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:02,799
BABY CRIES
277
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:05,000
Lorn, can you see to him?
278
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:10,720
I'll be right back.
279
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:13,240
Time for a refill.
280
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:20,399
So, Ling was in the room,
but she was ignoring you.
281
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:23,279
Yeah, but it just made her
that much more mysterious.
282
00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:25,279
Mysterious slash unhelpful.
283
00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:29,199
- Unhelpful?
- Yeah. - Ling?
284
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:30,999
Yeah, I guess you
don't really know Ling
285
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:34,079
or you would understand
how funny that is!
286
00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:36,999
But, yeah, when I go back to China,
you should totally come meet her.
287
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:38,559
Yeah, are you going back?
288
00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:40,639
I mean, have you heard from her yet?
289
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:41,799
Not... Not yet.
290
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,039
But I guess the post
is kind of slow from China.
291
00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:46,599
- She could phone or e-mail,
couldn't she? - Yeah, she will.
292
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:48,519
Just when the timing's right,
you know?
293
00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:49,959
Dale, I don't...
294
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,199
Guess how I got my scar.
295
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,000
Steve! I've no idea.
296
00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:56,039
Little bugger won't settle.
297
00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:57,719
I'll take him.
298
00:15:57,720 --> 00:15:59,879
Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh!
299
00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:01,399
Right, what did I miss?
300
00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:03,599
I'm just trying to guess
how Steve got his scar.
301
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:05,599
Oh, God. Put your shirt back on.
302
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,319
It was a mole. I removed it myself.
303
00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:09,159
Bloody agony.
304
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:10,639
So, come on.
305
00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:11,880
- How did it end?
- Oh.
306
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:17,200
So, I had 20 questions to guess
how Mr Xi got the scar.
307
00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:25,160
I sat cross-legged on the floor
as Ling served us green tea.
308
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,679
Mr Xi was super fussy about his tea
309
00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:39,799
and would only drink it when it was
two degrees off boiling point.
310
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:41,200
Argh!
311
00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:46,399
Only then could I ask a question
312
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:49,679
and try to solve the riddle
of the scar.
313
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:52,719
I was only allowed
one question per night,
314
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,879
which, at first,
I found very difficult.
315
00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:57,480
Do you want any milk with your tea?
316
00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:04,360
Did you get it in a fight?
317
00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:09,640
Did you have an operation?
318
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:19,600
Are you sure you didn't want
any milk with your tea?
319
00:17:24,360 --> 00:17:25,800
Argh!
320
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:49,639
From that night on, seeing her
became the highlight of my day.
321
00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:51,679
I started delaying
asking the question
322
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:53,720
so I could be around her for longer.
323
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:59,360
Night by night, I turned the whole
thing into an elaborate show.
324
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:04,079
They seemed to like it,
325
00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:06,840
especially Ling,
who would clap and laugh.
326
00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:10,080
HE SPEAKS MANDARIN
327
00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:15,559
But, all too soon, the time would
come to ask the question
328
00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:18,239
and, all too soon, I'd get it wrong.
329
00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:19,720
Did you work in a circus?
330
00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:28,319
Has anybody got a towel?
331
00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:29,679
Lorn, where have you been?
332
00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:32,839
- Tesco.
- Tesco? It's a force-ten gale outside.
333
00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:36,439
I know, but look! A cake!
334
00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:39,639
- Oh.
- I mean, it's a bit weather-beaten, but...
335
00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:42,999
I think I can put this
back together.
336
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,679
Bloody seal's jammed again.
337
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:46,759
Seem to have run out of nappies.
338
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:49,679
Oh, yeah. Don't worry, Chief Ken.
I'll have this together in no time.
339
00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:50,999
BABY CRIES
340
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:53,319
- Come on!
- We could still put some meringues on it!
341
00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:54,919
I can't seem to find any. Mum!
342
00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:57,799
Don't you worry, Chief Ken. I'll
have this cake together in no time.
343
00:18:57,800 --> 00:18:59,639
I know we've got some candles
somewhere.
344
00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:01,879
- BABY CRIES
- Come on!
345
00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:03,600
EVERYONE SPEAKS AT ONCE
346
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:15,919
Right! That's it!
347
00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:18,000
My birthday is now officially over.
348
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:25,520
KNOCK ON DOOR
349
00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:29,240
Oh.
350
00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:34,519
Just confirming that a refusal
to answer counts as a wrong answer,
351
00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:36,399
in which case I win the bet.
352
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,679
Go away.
353
00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:39,919
You're not serious.
354
00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:41,999
It's no way to treat your best mate.
355
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:43,279
Come on, Steve.
356
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:45,600
You're not my best mate.
You never were.
357
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:49,239
Wow.
358
00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:51,079
That... Wow.
359
00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:52,560
I didn't see that coming.
360
00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:56,919
I can handle Connie leaving me
361
00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:58,439
again.
362
00:19:58,440 --> 00:20:01,319
I can accept my kids not wanting
to take my calls.
363
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,879
I can even deal
364
00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:05,880
with my sensei blanking me...
365
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:08,759
...in Lidl.
366
00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:10,120
But this...
367
00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:14,439
- Look, let's just go home.
- Hold me!
368
00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:17,839
- Get off me!
- I've had no physical intimacy since Connie left me again.
369
00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:19,719
I need to be held.
370
00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:21,719
Ooh. Oh.
371
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:24,640
Oh. Oh.
372
00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:28,719
We're still best mates, aren't we?
373
00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:30,200
Uh-huh.
374
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,199
He's coming. He's coming.
375
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:35,519
Everybody!
376
00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:38,519
? For he's a jolly good fellow
377
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:41,239
? For he's a jolly good fellow
378
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:45,319
? For he's a jolly good fellow
379
00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:48,359
? And so say all of us! ?
380
00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:49,880
THEY CHEER
381
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:52,119
Make a wish!
382
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:53,159
OK.
383
00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:54,919
I wish that you would
finish your story
384
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,320
so that I can get to bed.
385
00:20:58,120 --> 00:20:59,879
You got it, birthday boy.
386
00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:03,440
And so it all hinges
on the last night.
387
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,759
I'd used up all my goes
388
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:12,240
and now Mr Xi needed a final answer.
389
00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:17,119
Guess correctly and I'd join
the family business.
390
00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:21,000
Guess wrong and I would have to make
my way in life with no head.
391
00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:23,719
I had no clue what to say
392
00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:26,000
and I racked my brain
for inspiration.
393
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:29,360
What could cause a scar like that?
394
00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:35,759
I'd heard him say he'd grown up
by the sea
395
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:38,240
and that he would often
go swimming there.
396
00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:47,000
You answer now.
397
00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:53,079
She mouthed the words "Stin ree,"
398
00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:55,000
which I think means "Good luck."
399
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:03,319
Yes! Yeah, all right.
400
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:04,920
I'm ready to give my answer.
401
00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:08,039
It has something to do
402
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:09,120
with the ocean.
403
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,080
Something very dangerous.
404
00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:15,640
You...
405
00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:18,040
...got your scar...
406
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:22,280
...waterskiing!
407
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:25,040
Yeah.
408
00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:34,559
I'd guessed correctly
409
00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:36,759
and Mr Xi was as good as his word.
410
00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:39,679
The next day, I was officially
welcomed into the family
411
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:41,320
and made a delivery boy.
412
00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:48,159
So I learned a valuable lesson
that day.
413
00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:51,039
In fact, I learned 12 of them
which I will now explain.
414
00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:52,679
- First lesson...
- No.
415
00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:54,079
Enough is enough.
416
00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:55,279
Steve, ask the question.
417
00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:59,919
Here we go. Get this right
and you win the bet.
418
00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:02,999
Get this wrong and the Lichfield
Mixed Martial Arts Centre
419
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:06,159
gets a 6'8" white belt
with a heart of gold.
420
00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:07,799
Just get on with it.
421
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:11,920
OK, so, what animal comes after
the horse in the Chinese calendar?
422
00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:20,560
The monkey!
423
00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:23,319
It's wrong.
424
00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:25,199
It's... It's the goat.
425
00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:27,599
- What?
- The goat!
426
00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:30,799
How about that! It's the goat!
427
00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:33,519
- So what was the point of that story?
- There was a moral, Chief Ken.
428
00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:35,399
Did not see it?
429
00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:37,800
Sometimes, you've just got to guess.
430
00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:44,039
Well, thank you, Confucius!
431
00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:46,919
So judo is Tuesdays and Thursday
night in the Scout hut.
432
00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:49,199
Thursdays is full contact,
so you have to pad up.
433
00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:51,439
- Go home.
- Before that, I'm going to have to come round
434
00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:53,519
and just test your reactions.
435
00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:56,359
Just really to see what kind of
fighting skills you have.
436
00:23:56,360 --> 00:23:58,799
I'm sensing probably
quite a low level,
437
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:01,480
but, don't worry,
I'll take you through it.
438
00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:10,879
I've got something for you.
439
00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:12,119
It's not curry, is it?
440
00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:14,440
Not this time of night,
you great trougher!
441
00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:21,519
Lorn! An evening with Simon Schama!
442
00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:23,119
It's in London next month.
443
00:24:23,120 --> 00:24:25,320
I thought we could
make a weekend of it.
444
00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:27,800
Thank you.
445
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:30,959
Oh. So no Dambusters, then?
446
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:34,999
Yeah. Survived the Nazis,
killed by a bellend.
447
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:38,519
Guess what, guys! I got a surprise!
448
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:41,919
I felt really bad about earlier,
so I got another cake.
449
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:44,679
Also, the guy in the shop said,
if we're having a party,
450
00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:46,919
we could use some of these things.
- Whoo!
451
00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:48,119
That's really nice, Dale,
452
00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:50,199
but I think we should all
probably head to bed.
453
00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:51,440
- Dad!
- Oh, Ken.
454
00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:55,640
What sort of cake is it?
455
00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:02,000
- White chocolate.
- Good. - I'll get some plates.
456
00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:06,239
What?
457
00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:07,999
I don't know. It's just...
458
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,479
My whole life, I've been a part of
different families,
459
00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:12,639
each with their own way
of doing things.
460
00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:15,319
Vashradi told us to intercourse
with aliens,
461
00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:18,399
Mr Xi chopped peoples' tongues off
for telling lies,
462
00:25:18,400 --> 00:25:21,759
and you like your dishwasher
on economy cycle.
463
00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:24,039
It's hard to tell
who's got it right.
464
00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:25,879
I do know this -
465
00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:27,959
the only place I've ever felt
at home
466
00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:29,759
is right here.
467
00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:31,119
Well, It's very sweet, Dale,
468
00:25:31,120 --> 00:25:33,559
but I am British,
so take it down a notch.
469
00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:35,799
You've really been like a dad to me,
Chief Ken.
470
00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:37,439
Maybe a notch more.
471
00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:39,920
I'm going to miss you
when I go back to China.
472
00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:46,479
- No. Not that.
- OK.
473
00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:47,800
DOORBELL RINGS
474
00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:51,600
She did get me a curry!
475
00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:56,759
Ah!
476
00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:58,560
- Argh!
- Argh!
477
00:25:58,610 --> 00:26:03,160
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