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1
00:00:09,500 --> 00:00:11,899
Or we could just buy me a hi-fi.
2
00:00:11,900 --> 00:00:13,419
Concentrate.
3
00:00:13,420 --> 00:00:17,539
Sid's going to be spending more time
in his baby stroller than anywhere else.
4
00:00:17,540 --> 00:00:20,099
It's like the office was for you
when you were a working man.
5
00:00:20,100 --> 00:00:23,619
Ah, yes! Those happy times!
6
00:00:23,620 --> 00:00:25,099
That one with blue on it?
7
00:00:25,100 --> 00:00:26,579
What? The aluminium frame?
8
00:00:26,580 --> 00:00:28,219
Then I don't know, Dale!
9
00:00:28,220 --> 00:00:31,059
What happened to the time when you
just chucked them in a pram
10
00:00:31,060 --> 00:00:32,619
and listened to Screamadelica?
11
00:00:32,620 --> 00:00:33,660
Ken!
12
00:00:34,980 --> 00:00:38,499
Jess! Haven't seen you
since that time at the hospital.
13
00:00:38,500 --> 00:00:40,419
The time I gave birth! And you...
14
00:00:40,420 --> 00:00:42,899
Yeah, that time, yeah.
How's motherhood?
15
00:00:42,900 --> 00:00:45,619
Loving it. And paternity leave?
16
00:00:45,620 --> 00:00:47,739
How does it feel to be
a feminist icon?
17
00:00:47,740 --> 00:00:50,939
What can I say?
I'm a hero to all women.
18
00:00:50,940 --> 00:00:52,859
THEY LAUGH
19
00:00:52,860 --> 00:00:57,219
Ah, the stroller debate.
Marc and I went for that one.
20
00:00:57,220 --> 00:01:01,899
The Jill Cotterill. It's durable,
light, turns into a car seat.
21
00:01:01,900 --> 00:01:03,540
Oh, gosh, she's a beauty!
22
00:01:04,860 --> 00:01:08,179
And so this horrific experience
draws to a close!
23
00:01:08,180 --> 00:01:09,979
I owe you, Jess.
24
00:01:09,980 --> 00:01:12,299
Don't be silly!
25
00:01:12,300 --> 00:01:14,259
Actually, you know what?
26
00:01:14,260 --> 00:01:18,099
I'm doing this mums' group thing
with some of the girls from NCT.
27
00:01:18,100 --> 00:01:19,339
You should come.
28
00:01:19,340 --> 00:01:24,699
Bloke? At a mums' group?
Think that might be a bit weird.
29
00:01:24,700 --> 00:01:28,259
And I said to the doctor, "Hey,
sonny - what about MY mastitis?"
30
00:01:28,260 --> 00:01:30,499
THEY LAUGH
31
00:01:30,500 --> 00:01:32,299
Oh! Right, cake o'clock, I think.
32
00:01:32,300 --> 00:01:34,499
Don't you shake your
head at me, Jenny.
33
00:01:34,500 --> 00:01:37,739
That baby weight is dropping right
off and you bloody deserve it!
34
00:01:37,740 --> 00:01:39,540
Excuse me for a second, ladies.
35
00:01:42,020 --> 00:01:45,339
- Cake report.
- This is going to be the best darn coffee cake
36
00:01:45,340 --> 00:01:47,179
those girls have ever tasted!
37
00:01:47,180 --> 00:01:50,139
- Who would have thought that mums'
group would be so ace? - I know!
38
00:01:50,140 --> 00:01:52,099
We get to enjoy all of the fun
and gossiping
39
00:01:52,100 --> 00:01:54,059
but we get to avoid
the catty infighting.
40
00:01:54,060 --> 00:01:56,219
Oh, by the way,
Beth said your fruit cake was dry.
41
00:01:56,220 --> 00:01:58,459
- Prissy little tart!
- Right.
42
00:01:58,460 --> 00:02:00,859
Left the stuff for my meeting!
43
00:02:00,860 --> 00:02:03,619
Ooh! How's your coffee morning
going?
44
00:02:03,620 --> 00:02:06,499
Tremendously!
Ken has a foolproof system.
45
00:02:06,500 --> 00:02:09,859
- I do.
- I prepare all the food, clean the house and wash up.
46
00:02:09,860 --> 00:02:12,659
Ken is the social face
of the operation -
47
00:02:12,660 --> 00:02:15,019
occupying the guests,
and checking the food is tasty.
48
00:02:15,020 --> 00:02:16,179
Sounds about right!
49
00:02:16,180 --> 00:02:19,379
Right, now, you wash up.
You - come and meet the girls!
50
00:02:19,380 --> 00:02:21,339
So, everyone...
51
00:02:21,340 --> 00:02:26,019
Oh, Ken - busted! Now Laura's going
to know about your daytime harem!
52
00:02:26,020 --> 00:02:28,299
HE LAUGHS
It's not a harem.
53
00:02:28,300 --> 00:02:31,859
Well, I think we would ALL like to
thank you for letting us
54
00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:33,259
borrow him, Laura.
55
00:02:33,260 --> 00:02:37,259
With Marc in Dubai,
Ken's the only male company I get!
56
00:02:37,260 --> 00:02:40,219
Well, I hope he's not
droning on about history too much!
57
00:02:40,220 --> 00:02:43,099
- You!
- Why would you say that, Laura?
58
00:02:43,100 --> 00:02:46,499
Ken is a fascinating intellect.
I hope you appreciate him!
59
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:48,299
I do. And it's Lorna.
60
00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:51,459
- What's Lorna, Laura?
- My name - it's Lorna.
61
00:02:51,460 --> 00:02:53,619
What? No!
62
00:02:53,620 --> 00:02:58,059
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!
So embarrassing! Oh, ha-ha!
63
00:02:58,060 --> 00:03:00,579
- Lorna.
- Yeah. - Lorna.
64
00:03:00,580 --> 00:03:01,979
SHE LAUGHS
65
00:03:01,980 --> 00:03:03,580
Not Laura. Lorna.
66
00:03:05,140 --> 00:03:07,299
OK! Well. Back to work.
67
00:03:07,300 --> 00:03:08,579
THEY CHORTLE
68
00:03:08,580 --> 00:03:13,179
Oh! By the way, save
the 25th for Eliza's christening.
69
00:03:13,180 --> 00:03:14,859
Only right you should be there, Ken,
70
00:03:14,860 --> 00:03:16,619
seeing as you were
there at liftoff.
71
00:03:16,620 --> 00:03:18,699
- What?
- How do you mean, there at liftoff?
72
00:03:18,700 --> 00:03:21,659
I think what Jess means is
we were both at the same hospital
73
00:03:21,660 --> 00:03:23,659
when the babies came. Right, Jess?
74
00:03:23,660 --> 00:03:25,779
Right. Well, so just think about it!
75
00:03:25,780 --> 00:03:26,820
SHE LAUGHS
76
00:03:28,700 --> 00:03:30,859
- She's a head case.
- No, she's OK.
77
00:03:30,860 --> 00:03:33,979
Nope, she's a head case.
See you later!
78
00:03:33,980 --> 00:03:35,420
Squeeze Sid for me.
79
00:03:39,460 --> 00:03:41,179
HE SIGHS
80
00:03:41,180 --> 00:03:43,299
Jess. What was that about?
81
00:03:43,300 --> 00:03:46,259
Of course I haven't told Lorna that
I was at Eliza's birth!
82
00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:48,379
What? You haven't told her?
83
00:03:48,380 --> 00:03:52,539
No, I haven't told her. Because of
you, I missed Sid's birth!
84
00:03:52,540 --> 00:03:55,059
If Lorna finds out,
I'll get murdered in my sleep,
85
00:03:55,060 --> 00:03:56,259
so keep it to yourself!
86
00:03:56,260 --> 00:04:00,459
Um... oh. It's a bit weird.
I mean, so what?
87
00:04:00,460 --> 00:04:05,699
You held my hand as I gave birth.
It was an act of kindness.
88
00:04:05,700 --> 00:04:08,819
Plus you wouldn't let go of my hand,
so...
89
00:04:08,820 --> 00:04:11,499
Oh, Ken! I just want to make it
clear -
90
00:04:11,500 --> 00:04:13,659
I am happily married to Marc.
91
00:04:13,660 --> 00:04:17,619
So am I! Very happily!
Not to Marc. To Laura. Lorna.
92
00:04:17,620 --> 00:04:21,379
Well, OK. So then,
just please - tell your wife!
93
00:04:21,380 --> 00:04:24,499
Because whatever problems you
and Laura are having,
94
00:04:24,500 --> 00:04:28,339
I just don't want to be
a part of them, OK?
95
00:04:28,340 --> 00:04:29,739
Lecture over.
96
00:04:29,740 --> 00:04:32,019
SHE GIGGLES
97
00:04:32,020 --> 00:04:33,379
But...
98
00:04:33,380 --> 00:04:36,179
Ling is thousands of miles away,
99
00:04:36,180 --> 00:04:38,500
so how come our love feels
even stronger?
100
00:04:39,580 --> 00:04:42,899
And if love transcends time
and space,
101
00:04:42,900 --> 00:04:46,099
perhaps therein lies
the secret of the universe.
102
00:04:46,100 --> 00:04:47,539
What do you think, Dyl?
103
00:04:47,540 --> 00:04:50,419
Couldn't give a shit, mate.
104
00:04:50,420 --> 00:04:53,139
Hey. What's that game you're
playing on your robot phone?
105
00:04:53,140 --> 00:04:55,539
It's not a game, you bell-end.
It's Love Swipe.
106
00:04:55,540 --> 00:04:57,139
Ah, fuck! I just liked a munter.
107
00:04:57,140 --> 00:04:59,539
Love Swipe is a way of finding
romantic partners?
108
00:04:59,540 --> 00:05:04,379
No, it's hunting willing snatch.
Here, have a look. Right, OK.
109
00:05:04,380 --> 00:05:08,779
So here we have... ah, older woman,
24.
110
00:05:08,780 --> 00:05:12,099
Only 100 or so metres away from
us... Rachel!
111
00:05:12,100 --> 00:05:14,179
- That's Mom!
- I flicked right, I flicked right.
112
00:05:14,180 --> 00:05:15,379
These treacherous eyes!
113
00:05:15,380 --> 00:05:17,619
Dylan, are you trying to hook up
with me on Love Swipe?
114
00:05:17,620 --> 00:05:20,539
Your photo's like three years old.
You look completely different!
115
00:05:20,540 --> 00:05:22,819
Yeah, right. So my face has
completely changed
116
00:05:22,820 --> 00:05:24,419
in three years, has it?
- Mom!
117
00:05:24,420 --> 00:05:26,659
You didn't say you were
electronically dating.
118
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:28,779
Yeah, well, I thought
I'd put myself on there.
119
00:05:28,780 --> 00:05:31,939
- You know, see what the fuss was about.
- Oh, phew!
120
00:05:31,940 --> 00:05:35,019
It seems like there's been nobody
on the scene since December!
121
00:05:35,020 --> 00:05:37,340
- Yeah. How many dates you been on, Rach?
- In total...
122
00:05:38,540 --> 00:05:40,659
- ...none.
- What?
123
00:05:40,660 --> 00:05:42,739
Come on, Mom! Get a move on.
124
00:05:42,740 --> 00:05:45,099
You're not going to find a man
mooching about the house!
125
00:05:45,100 --> 00:05:47,259
Unless there are some available
guys round here -
126
00:05:47,260 --> 00:05:49,019
and I don't know of any.
127
00:05:49,020 --> 00:05:50,060
Thanks, Dale.
128
00:05:58,780 --> 00:06:02,939
- Phew! Longest day ever!
- Hello.
129
00:06:02,940 --> 00:06:05,339
- Mwah!
- How's our little Sid?
130
00:06:05,340 --> 00:06:07,260
Yeah, he's good.
I just put him down.
131
00:06:08,620 --> 00:06:10,899
Well, the Briony
and Tim saga continues.
132
00:06:10,900 --> 00:06:12,419
Who's Briony and Tim?
133
00:06:12,420 --> 00:06:14,539
- From work.
- Oh!
134
00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:16,419
Don't you listen to a word I say?
135
00:06:16,420 --> 00:06:18,939
Of course!
Your voice is music to me, my love.
136
00:06:18,940 --> 00:06:21,820
- I just sometimes don't
concentrate on the lyrics. - Hah!
137
00:06:22,980 --> 00:06:27,499
So - there's probably something
I should tell you. It's no biggy.
138
00:06:27,500 --> 00:06:31,659
And certainly no-one's fault.
So promise me you won't over-react.
139
00:06:31,660 --> 00:06:34,819
I will react the exact right amount.
What is it?
140
00:06:34,820 --> 00:06:37,299
Well, do you remember when Sid
was born?
141
00:06:37,300 --> 00:06:39,339
I think I recall it, yeah.
142
00:06:39,340 --> 00:06:41,139
Well, it's a funny story.
143
00:06:41,140 --> 00:06:45,779
I...I ran into Jess
while we were waiting for Sid.
144
00:06:45,780 --> 00:06:49,179
And she grabbed hold of my hand
145
00:06:49,180 --> 00:06:52,699
and she wouldn't let go
until she'd given birth.
146
00:06:52,700 --> 00:06:57,579
Which explains why I was late. Why
I missed Sid's birth. It's silly!
147
00:06:57,580 --> 00:06:59,939
But like I say, it's no biggy.
148
00:06:59,940 --> 00:07:01,859
No biggy?
149
00:07:01,860 --> 00:07:04,140
No, no biggy.
150
00:07:05,900 --> 00:07:07,979
Is this a biggy?
151
00:07:07,980 --> 00:07:10,059
Jesus Christ, Ken! No biggy!
152
00:07:10,060 --> 00:07:13,259
Come on, Lorn. It's not like it
didn't work out all right.
153
00:07:13,260 --> 00:07:16,099
Sid's great. And you're the best
wife a man ever...
154
00:07:16,100 --> 00:07:19,499
Oh, shut your face! You have no idea
what I was going through,
155
00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:22,219
what it takes to push a thing
like that out of your bits!
156
00:07:22,220 --> 00:07:25,819
May I remind you I have seen it
three times, actually,
157
00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:27,419
with two different...
158
00:07:27,420 --> 00:07:29,739
- Oh, shit. Lorn!
- Hi, Lorna. Hi, Chief Ken.
159
00:07:29,740 --> 00:07:32,979
- It wasn't my fault.
- Oh, it never is your fault, is it, Ken?
160
00:07:32,980 --> 00:07:36,899
"Whoops, I shot the cat!
Whoops, I didn't have a vasectomy!"
161
00:07:36,900 --> 00:07:38,459
Guys. What's happening?
162
00:07:38,460 --> 00:07:40,819
Are Chief Ken
and Lorna going to get a divorce?
163
00:07:40,820 --> 00:07:44,499
Oh, no, this happens every couple
of years. Believe me, it's worse when they make up.
164
00:07:44,500 --> 00:07:48,260
Dad walking round like he's John Mayer
just because he's done it twice in a week.
165
00:07:50,300 --> 00:07:52,339
How's your robot-phone dating
going?
166
00:07:52,340 --> 00:07:54,219
Love Swipe is crammed with goons.
167
00:07:54,220 --> 00:07:57,619
Well, I hope you'll give 'em
a chance, little Miss Fussy!
168
00:07:57,620 --> 00:08:01,699
Do you? All right, well - how about
him? He's quite attractive.
169
00:08:01,700 --> 00:08:04,939
Maybe I should go round to his
and have wild sex.
170
00:08:04,940 --> 00:08:09,259
- Be all right with that, would you?
- Absolutely doodle dandy! - Absolutely doodle dandy.
171
00:08:09,260 --> 00:08:11,499
- All right. There - a match.
- What!
172
00:08:11,500 --> 00:08:14,499
Oh! And he wants to meet now.
173
00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:17,139
I'll just go over there, shall I?
174
00:08:17,140 --> 00:08:20,139
You know, unless anyone has any
objections to that?
175
00:08:20,140 --> 00:08:25,179
- No, none here.
- OK. Yeah. See you in the morning, then. Or not!
176
00:08:25,180 --> 00:08:26,700
- OK!
- OK.
177
00:08:30,380 --> 00:08:32,100
I could not be happier for her!
178
00:08:37,140 --> 00:08:39,099
Maybe we should get
a super king-size.
179
00:08:39,100 --> 00:08:42,699
That way you can be even further
away and even more ridiculous.
180
00:08:42,700 --> 00:08:45,299
Just more comfortable like this.
181
00:08:45,300 --> 00:08:47,179
Lorna, I can't help what happened.
182
00:08:47,180 --> 00:08:50,059
I didn't mean to upset you,
but what can I do about it?
183
00:08:50,060 --> 00:08:53,659
Well, here's an idea - you can
stop meeting up with Jess.
184
00:08:53,660 --> 00:08:55,339
Ha-ha! Not happening.
185
00:08:55,340 --> 00:08:57,899
OK, if you don't
care about my feelings...
186
00:08:57,900 --> 00:09:00,619
What about MY feelings, Lorn?
187
00:09:00,620 --> 00:09:04,579
Jess runs the mums' group, which
happens to be my entire social life.
188
00:09:04,580 --> 00:09:06,659
No, I'm sorry -
you don't get to veto my friends.
189
00:09:06,660 --> 00:09:10,419
Friends? As if! She's after you!
190
00:09:10,420 --> 00:09:12,739
What? Don't be ridiculous!
191
00:09:12,740 --> 00:09:15,539
"Oh, Ken! What a fascinating
intellect, Ken!
192
00:09:15,540 --> 00:09:18,859
"Oh, Ken, hold my hand
while I give birth, Ken!"
193
00:09:18,860 --> 00:09:19,899
Get real, Lorn!
194
00:09:19,900 --> 00:09:24,779
I am greying, I'm out of shape and
Jess is a young, highly attractive...
195
00:09:24,780 --> 00:09:26,260
Fuck! I didn't mean that!
196
00:09:28,340 --> 00:09:31,179
No, I'm sorry.
There is a point of principle here.
197
00:09:31,180 --> 00:09:33,500
I am not backing down on this.
Final word.
198
00:09:36,420 --> 00:09:37,779
HE GROANS
199
00:09:37,780 --> 00:09:41,579
OK, OK! you win!
I won't see Jess again.
200
00:09:41,580 --> 00:09:43,499
I surrender my dignity at your whim.
201
00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:45,779
Nice to see
the patriarchy in action again.
202
00:09:45,780 --> 00:09:47,539
How I love to rule the world.
203
00:09:47,540 --> 00:09:50,459
Now will you please come back
to the centre of the bed!
204
00:09:50,460 --> 00:09:52,379
I don't know what you're
going on about.
205
00:09:52,380 --> 00:09:53,979
SHE SCREAMS
206
00:09:53,980 --> 00:09:57,060
Right, I am getting a glass
of water.
207
00:10:15,420 --> 00:10:20,219
- Hello?
- Hey, how's it kicking? You must be Rachel's...
208
00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:21,819
ancient housemate?
209
00:10:21,820 --> 00:10:22,939
I'm her father.
210
00:10:22,940 --> 00:10:25,899
Father? OK, I'm Freddy.
I'm a... new friend of hers.
211
00:10:25,900 --> 00:10:29,099
We met last night, and then we had
a... a sleepover.
212
00:10:29,100 --> 00:10:31,499
You know.
213
00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:34,899
- Is this awkward? This feels awkward.
- Let us eat our breakfast in silence.
214
00:10:34,900 --> 00:10:36,179
Yeah.
215
00:10:36,180 --> 00:10:38,699
- Hello.
- Ah, this is Freddy.
216
00:10:38,700 --> 00:10:40,739
Freddy and Rachel
went on a date last night.
217
00:10:40,740 --> 00:10:44,459
Interesting. Did he hold hands with
another woman while she gave birth?
218
00:10:44,460 --> 00:10:48,299
Oh. Seamless segue! And thank you
for airing our personal grievances
219
00:10:48,300 --> 00:10:50,259
in front of our daughter's one-night
stand.
220
00:10:50,260 --> 00:10:51,979
I'm not a one-night-stand
kind of guy.
221
00:10:51,980 --> 00:10:55,019
Are you going to be boyfriend
and girlfriend from now on, are you?
222
00:10:55,020 --> 00:10:59,899
- I mean, I'm not in that place, so...
- Thank you! - Shit! Rachel actually got laid!
223
00:10:59,900 --> 00:11:03,179
Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!
224
00:11:03,180 --> 00:11:07,859
- You're still here?
- Well, it's breakfast, so... most important meal of the day.
225
00:11:07,860 --> 00:11:09,860
Good morning, my beautiful family!
226
00:11:11,580 --> 00:11:15,099
And complete stranger.
Would you like some pancakes?
227
00:11:15,100 --> 00:11:17,779
Yeah, that's what I'm talking
about.
228
00:11:17,780 --> 00:11:20,939
You must be a friend of Rachel's?
229
00:11:20,940 --> 00:11:24,539
Ah, sort of. We met last night.
230
00:11:24,540 --> 00:11:25,659
On a date.
231
00:11:25,660 --> 00:11:29,099
Oh, fun. Did you stay the night
here?
232
00:11:29,100 --> 00:11:32,899
- Yeah.
- With Rachel? - Yeah.
233
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:36,979
- Yes, Dale - we slept together, OK?
- Argh!
234
00:11:36,980 --> 00:11:38,699
Dale!
235
00:11:38,700 --> 00:11:41,979
I am so sorry! I'll get him
cleaned up in no time.
236
00:11:41,980 --> 00:11:43,939
- What the hell was that?
- Weird, right?
237
00:11:43,940 --> 00:11:47,659
It must be my training with Mr Xi -
I get these crazy reflex reactions.
238
00:11:47,660 --> 00:11:48,859
I think he'll be OK.
239
00:11:48,860 --> 00:11:52,179
- Dale, you were the one who told me
to start dating again! - I know, you should!
240
00:11:52,180 --> 00:11:57,179
Then why punch the first guy
I spend the night with? I thought you, I mean, we had made it very clear.
241
00:11:57,180 --> 00:12:00,179
- There's nothing between us.
- Yeah, what are you saying?
242
00:12:00,180 --> 00:12:02,619
You were jealous. Of me and him.
243
00:12:02,620 --> 00:12:04,859
What! I love Ling.
See previous conversations.
244
00:12:04,860 --> 00:12:09,299
Well, obviously, there are some
suppressed emotions going on here. Maybe deal with them, Dale.
245
00:12:09,300 --> 00:12:12,579
Because I can't have this jealous ex
going round the house saying
246
00:12:12,580 --> 00:12:14,779
he's not jealous
when he so clearly is.
247
00:12:14,780 --> 00:12:17,780
I don't care either way... so...!
248
00:12:21,380 --> 00:12:26,059
We're going to take our arms into
the air, stretching to the side.
249
00:12:26,060 --> 00:12:27,979
Rachel is so wrong!
250
00:12:27,980 --> 00:12:31,779
I mean, me - jealous? No way!
251
00:12:31,780 --> 00:12:35,339
Sure, once I thought her to
be my one and only eternal love.
252
00:12:35,340 --> 00:12:37,539
But that was so eight months ago!
253
00:12:37,540 --> 00:12:41,579
Right leg in the air.
Really push into that stretch.
254
00:12:41,580 --> 00:12:44,859
- What do you think, Chief Ken?
- Oh, God.
255
00:12:44,860 --> 00:12:50,419
- Chief!
- Yeah, can we talk about this another time.
256
00:12:50,420 --> 00:12:52,899
Oh, no!
257
00:12:52,900 --> 00:12:57,539
Right, as soon as this class
finishes, we are leaving.
258
00:12:57,540 --> 00:13:00,379
Keep walking, Dale.
Just keep walking, please.
259
00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:03,060
Ken! Ken! KEN!
260
00:13:04,340 --> 00:13:05,739
SHE LAUGHS
261
00:13:05,740 --> 00:13:09,499
Wow, that is some world-class baby
yoga leaving there.
262
00:13:09,500 --> 00:13:13,459
Ha-ha! Right. It was great to see
you anyway, Jess. Bye, now!
263
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:15,459
Hey, what are you guys up to
this afternoon?
264
00:13:15,460 --> 00:13:17,139
Some of the mums are coming over.
265
00:13:17,140 --> 00:13:19,539
I've made a killer pistachio tart.
266
00:13:19,540 --> 00:13:23,579
Oh, that sounds delicious! Yeah,
we have absolutely nothing going on!
267
00:13:23,580 --> 00:13:26,139
Oh, but I'm afraid we do have
something going on, don't we?
268
00:13:26,140 --> 00:13:29,620
We've got that thing, Dale.
You know that thing we've got to do.
269
00:13:32,300 --> 00:13:34,699
Oh, I get you - THAT thing!
270
00:13:34,700 --> 00:13:36,139
He will just...!
271
00:13:36,140 --> 00:13:38,619
No, Chief Ken,
that thing is NEXT Wednesday.
272
00:13:38,620 --> 00:13:41,979
- This afternoon is completely free.
- Great! So come round.
273
00:13:41,980 --> 00:13:44,739
Oh, but I'm sorry, we can't. Get in.
274
00:13:44,740 --> 00:13:45,779
Bye.
275
00:13:45,780 --> 00:13:47,819
Oh, um, which way you headed?
276
00:13:47,820 --> 00:13:49,379
Through town. See you!
277
00:13:49,380 --> 00:13:51,419
You couldn't give me
a lift, could you?
278
00:13:51,420 --> 00:13:54,699
It's just, bit worried about Eliza,
it's such a hot day
279
00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:59,659
and the sun being
SO dangerous for tiny babies.
280
00:13:59,660 --> 00:14:01,619
It's very hot.
281
00:14:01,620 --> 00:14:03,139
Of course.
282
00:14:03,140 --> 00:14:05,460
Great. Oh, isn't he a nice man!
283
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:09,899
Right. We're dropping her
straight off at her house.
284
00:14:09,900 --> 00:14:12,580
And you do not mention this to
Lorna. Do you understand?
285
00:14:17,460 --> 00:14:22,019
Are you sure I can't tempt you in?
The girls will be round soon.
286
00:14:22,020 --> 00:14:27,099
- I've got eclairs in from Druckers.
- Oh! - No, can't do it.
287
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:30,259
Suit yourself.
Dale, would you be a sweetheart?
288
00:14:30,260 --> 00:14:31,300
Of course.
289
00:14:34,500 --> 00:14:35,900
- Bye.
- Bye.
290
00:14:37,700 --> 00:14:39,059
Thank you.
291
00:14:39,060 --> 00:14:40,659
Chief Ken, have you gone insane?
292
00:14:40,660 --> 00:14:43,659
That's some of the finest Vienna
patisserie in Birmingham!
293
00:14:43,660 --> 00:14:45,659
Lorna says I'm not
allowed to see Jess.
294
00:14:45,660 --> 00:14:47,059
She's a little bit jealous.
295
00:14:47,060 --> 00:14:49,740
But mums' group is the most fun
we have all week!
296
00:14:51,380 --> 00:14:53,979
Oi! Where are you going?
297
00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:57,579
- Lorna didn't say I couldn't
see Jess, did she? - Well, no, but...
298
00:14:57,580 --> 00:15:01,260
- I'm going to go have some cake
and have the best time ever. - Traitor!
299
00:15:04,620 --> 00:15:06,059
What do you think, Sid?
300
00:15:06,060 --> 00:15:08,179
It's not like I'm doing
anything wrong, is it?
301
00:15:08,180 --> 00:15:12,219
Jess is my friend
and I love mums' group.
302
00:15:12,220 --> 00:15:13,699
What do you think, my boy?
303
00:15:13,700 --> 00:15:15,659
Should I obey your delusional
mother,
304
00:15:15,660 --> 00:15:21,099
or should I make my own decisions in
life like a proper adult?
305
00:15:21,100 --> 00:15:22,300
Who's the chief here?
306
00:15:26,100 --> 00:15:27,140
Hello?
307
00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:34,019
Oh, great! You changed your mind!
308
00:15:34,020 --> 00:15:37,299
Yeah! When are the girls getting
here?
309
00:15:37,300 --> 00:15:39,419
Oh, dunno - in about an hour or so.
310
00:15:39,420 --> 00:15:41,419
Dale, would you be a love,
311
00:15:41,420 --> 00:15:44,459
and run and get some of that nice
coffee from town.
312
00:15:44,460 --> 00:15:47,619
I invite everyone over for coffee
and what do I forget to buy? Coffee!
313
00:15:47,620 --> 00:15:49,299
THEY LAUGH
314
00:15:49,300 --> 00:15:52,859
- Yeah. I'll be back soon!
- Right.
315
00:15:52,860 --> 00:15:55,900
You make yourself comfortable and
I'll be back in a sec.
316
00:16:00,180 --> 00:16:01,460
There we are, Sidney.
317
00:16:12,540 --> 00:16:14,020
HE EXHALES
318
00:16:18,860 --> 00:16:21,179
- There you go.
- Oh!
319
00:16:21,180 --> 00:16:22,459
Wine?
320
00:16:22,460 --> 00:16:27,659
Well, there's no coffee, is there!
Right, then. Shower for me.
321
00:16:27,660 --> 00:16:28,979
Sorry? A shower?
322
00:16:28,980 --> 00:16:31,779
Well, I can't receive the girls in
my yoga sweats, can I?
323
00:16:31,780 --> 00:16:35,179
OK, Jess - should I go
and come back another time, cos...?
324
00:16:35,180 --> 00:16:36,739
Oh, no, I'll be two ticks.
325
00:16:36,740 --> 00:16:39,779
Don't worry, we've got a couple
of hours before the gang get here.
326
00:16:39,780 --> 00:16:40,940
A COUPLE of hours?
327
00:16:56,020 --> 00:16:57,620
What are you doing?
328
00:17:02,860 --> 00:17:06,899
Ken! Oh, you're not leaving,
are you?
329
00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:10,059
Shouldn't you be wearing
more clothes?
330
00:17:10,060 --> 00:17:12,459
Why are you walking towards me?
What's happening?
331
00:17:12,460 --> 00:17:16,619
What's happening is
you are going to ravish me,
332
00:17:16,620 --> 00:17:19,499
you sexy giant old man, you!
333
00:17:19,500 --> 00:17:22,379
What? There will be no ravishing!
Not today or tomorrow.
334
00:17:22,380 --> 00:17:24,859
You were supposed to be my coffee
morning friend!
335
00:17:24,860 --> 00:17:27,219
I am very disappointed in you,
actually, Jess!
336
00:17:27,220 --> 00:17:28,659
I know you're tempted.
337
00:17:28,660 --> 00:17:32,539
You are scaring me! I am a happily
married man. What about Marc?
338
00:17:32,540 --> 00:17:35,939
Oh, come on -
we both know there's no Marc.
339
00:17:35,940 --> 00:17:38,419
What?
340
00:17:38,420 --> 00:17:41,099
What? Don't undo that.
Why are you undoing that?
341
00:17:41,100 --> 00:17:42,579
You are mental!
342
00:17:42,580 --> 00:17:45,019
I am mental...
343
00:17:45,020 --> 00:17:46,819
- Argh!
- ..and naked.
344
00:17:46,820 --> 00:17:49,059
Ooh! I'm not looking.
And I'm leaving!
345
00:17:49,060 --> 00:17:51,220
And I'm not looking! Goodbye!
346
00:17:55,780 --> 00:17:59,780
- Get in the car.
- Why? I got coffee. - She's a fucking nutter.
347
00:18:07,860 --> 00:18:11,179
Lorna WAS right.
Jess WAS after you.
348
00:18:11,180 --> 00:18:14,059
Yes. But Lorna had no right to try
and control my life.
349
00:18:14,060 --> 00:18:17,899
I've behaved entirely faultlessly,
yet somehow, I'm also massively in the wrong.
350
00:18:17,900 --> 00:18:20,659
Well, I guess
I should be the one to tell Lorna.
351
00:18:20,660 --> 00:18:22,819
No! Obviously we are not
going to tell her.
352
00:18:22,820 --> 00:18:24,180
KEN'S PHONE RINGS
353
00:18:25,740 --> 00:18:28,419
And you, my ex-friend, can bog off.
354
00:18:28,420 --> 00:18:29,899
Right, inside.
355
00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:32,699
And none of that accidental
truth-telling that you do.
356
00:18:32,700 --> 00:18:35,819
No, I've shaken that out my system.
It's hard to do business...
357
00:18:35,820 --> 00:18:36,899
...Crime...
358
00:18:36,900 --> 00:18:38,779
...in China
without the odd porky pie.
359
00:18:38,780 --> 00:18:41,299
I'll stick to my old standby -
we were in the market
360
00:18:41,300 --> 00:18:45,459
shopping for Lotus dumplings
for the Dragon boat festival.
361
00:18:45,460 --> 00:18:48,419
Or maybe just go to straight to your
room and never talk to Lorna again.
362
00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:50,260
- OK.
- OK. - DALE LAUGHS
363
00:18:55,820 --> 00:18:57,379
Hiya, you two!
364
00:18:57,380 --> 00:18:58,859
Hello, beautiful.
365
00:18:58,860 --> 00:19:01,419
- Have you had a good day?
- Yeah.
366
00:19:01,420 --> 00:19:03,020
He's asleep.
367
00:19:07,660 --> 00:19:08,979
Sorry we argued.
368
00:19:08,980 --> 00:19:10,139
Me too.
369
00:19:10,140 --> 00:19:13,219
Maybe I was a bit
over-sensitive about Jess.
370
00:19:13,220 --> 00:19:15,699
Still,
I probably shouldn't see her again.
371
00:19:15,700 --> 00:19:18,059
- Oh, you're not bloody seeing her again.
- No.
372
00:19:18,060 --> 00:19:20,899
- Have you seen her again?
- No! Of course not.
373
00:19:20,900 --> 00:19:22,340
I appreciate it, love.
374
00:19:24,300 --> 00:19:25,580
Fuck, it's started.
375
00:19:29,420 --> 00:19:32,139
So, maybe we could put on a box set,
376
00:19:32,140 --> 00:19:33,899
have a bit of Ken and Lorna time.
377
00:19:33,900 --> 00:19:36,500
Yes, that's my favourite
kind of time.
378
00:19:38,980 --> 00:19:41,340
KEN'S PHONE RINGS
379
00:19:51,060 --> 00:19:53,699
Has it ever occurred to you that
I'm like a faithful,
380
00:19:53,700 --> 00:19:55,779
non-alcoholic Don Draper?
381
00:19:55,780 --> 00:19:57,179
Oh, you totally are!
382
00:19:57,180 --> 00:19:58,779
- I am, right?
- Yeah.
383
00:19:58,780 --> 00:20:00,339
MAD MEN THEME TUNE PLAYS
384
00:20:00,340 --> 00:20:02,299
Five to go to finish the season.
385
00:20:02,300 --> 00:20:04,859
BABY CRIES
386
00:20:04,860 --> 00:20:06,659
- THEY BOTH SIGH
- I'll go.
387
00:20:06,660 --> 00:20:07,979
Sit down.
388
00:20:07,980 --> 00:20:10,339
IN DEEP VOICE: Draper's going to
change that nappy.
389
00:20:10,340 --> 00:20:12,140
Oh, God, I am like him.
LORNA LAUGHS
390
00:20:18,020 --> 00:20:19,819
Well, then, Sidney,
391
00:20:19,820 --> 00:20:23,780
no in-depth analysis of the Arab-Israeli
conflict for us tonight.
392
00:20:24,900 --> 00:20:29,899
No, we shall change that nappy,
quick bath and then bed. Deal?
393
00:20:29,900 --> 00:20:32,539
KEN GASPS
Oh! Erm...
394
00:20:32,540 --> 00:20:35,099
Here, I'll do that.
You take the weight off.
395
00:20:35,100 --> 00:20:36,299
Nah, you're all right.
396
00:20:36,300 --> 00:20:39,059
Ken, honestly,
It's my turn. You go and relax.
397
00:20:39,060 --> 00:20:41,139
I don't want to relax.
You go and relax.
398
00:20:41,140 --> 00:20:43,379
- Let me change him.
- Lorna...
399
00:20:43,380 --> 00:20:46,699
You are stressed out and it's
ruining our family life, OK?
400
00:20:46,700 --> 00:20:48,979
Now, get in there
and chill the fuck out, yeah?
401
00:20:48,980 --> 00:20:51,899
Oh, OK, well, I'll go
and make a cup of tea, then.
402
00:20:51,900 --> 00:20:53,780
Right, good. Tea would be nice.
403
00:20:57,380 --> 00:20:59,620
No, no, no, no, no, no!
404
00:21:00,820 --> 00:21:03,339
Oh, fuck.
405
00:21:03,340 --> 00:21:05,739
Just going to take him for a little
drive, soothe him a bit.
406
00:21:05,740 --> 00:21:08,059
- But he's not crying.
- He's upset, though. I can tell.
407
00:21:08,060 --> 00:21:10,939
It's a sort of primary carer thing.
408
00:21:10,940 --> 00:21:13,740
KEN'S PHONE RINGS
409
00:21:16,820 --> 00:21:19,619
'Ken, I have been calling
and calling. Where is my baby?
410
00:21:19,620 --> 00:21:20,859
'I want my baby back!'
411
00:21:20,860 --> 00:21:24,220
I'm driving her over now. Don't
move, I'll be ten minutes, tops.
412
00:21:30,300 --> 00:21:32,779
Might as well keep you company.
413
00:21:32,780 --> 00:21:35,739
But let's make it a short ride.
How's our Siddles...?
414
00:21:35,740 --> 00:21:38,939
He's very close to being upset.
415
00:21:38,940 --> 00:21:41,060
Just going to get
something from the house.
416
00:21:42,940 --> 00:21:44,899
- What am I going to do, Dale?
- Snap out of it, Ken!
417
00:21:44,900 --> 00:21:47,979
But she's in the car,
she's in the car!
418
00:21:47,980 --> 00:21:49,099
Now, you listen to me.
419
00:21:49,100 --> 00:21:51,699
I've done swaps like these my whole
time with Mr Xi, all right?
420
00:21:51,700 --> 00:21:54,779
Then with suitcases of money,
now with babies - same principle.
421
00:21:54,780 --> 00:21:57,539
- What?
- I run to Jess' house, grab Sid.
422
00:21:57,540 --> 00:22:00,659
You take her baby to the
leisure centre car park -
423
00:22:00,660 --> 00:22:01,979
that's where we'll meet.
424
00:22:01,980 --> 00:22:06,419
- All you need to do is keep Lorna...
- BOTH: ..from looking at the baby.
425
00:22:06,420 --> 00:22:07,859
- You got this.
- I can do this.
426
00:22:07,860 --> 00:22:10,459
- You got this, Chief Ken.
- I can swap these babies.
427
00:22:10,460 --> 00:22:13,219
- I know you can!
- THEY BOTH YELL
428
00:22:13,220 --> 00:22:14,940
- Dale!
- Just for luck.
429
00:22:21,460 --> 00:22:24,219
Where's my baby?
Give me my baby, now!
430
00:22:24,220 --> 00:22:27,099
Jessica, we're going to get your
baby. Just stay calm.
431
00:22:27,100 --> 00:22:29,419
Also,
here's your coffee from earlier.
432
00:22:29,420 --> 00:22:30,819
Fuck the coffee.
433
00:22:30,820 --> 00:22:31,860
Let's go.
434
00:22:42,580 --> 00:22:44,340
This is nice.
435
00:22:46,060 --> 00:22:47,939
OK, I'm bored now, let's go home.
436
00:22:47,940 --> 00:22:51,739
Lorna, I'm loving this.
Come on, let's chat.
437
00:22:51,740 --> 00:22:55,779
Tell me about those guys at work,
you know, old Tom and Britney.
438
00:22:55,780 --> 00:22:57,819
- Briony and Tim?
- Hell, yes, those guys.
439
00:22:57,820 --> 00:23:01,499
- Well, Siobhan thought she wasn't
invited to the Christmas party. - No!
440
00:23:01,500 --> 00:23:04,659
I mean she's very nice,
she's in her fifties,
441
00:23:04,660 --> 00:23:07,379
she lives on her own. You know,
she's a bit lonely.
442
00:23:07,380 --> 00:23:09,579
Anyway she came in the other day
to work,
443
00:23:09,580 --> 00:23:14,139
she just... She burst into tears,
Ken, on the shop floor and...
444
00:23:14,140 --> 00:23:15,580
LORNA PRATTLES ON
445
00:23:18,780 --> 00:23:21,379
...I took her down to the little
room where we have our cup of tea
446
00:23:21,380 --> 00:23:22,540
and stuff and erm...
447
00:23:27,580 --> 00:23:31,139
...anyway, she had to admit that she
hadn't even opened the envelope!
448
00:23:31,140 --> 00:23:32,380
But I'm blathering.
449
00:23:34,500 --> 00:23:37,219
What? I live for this shit,
Lorna, please...
450
00:23:37,220 --> 00:23:41,579
OK, well, Briony
came in the following day...
451
00:23:41,580 --> 00:23:44,379
...and directly said, "Don't
worry, I'll go and get..."
452
00:23:44,380 --> 00:23:48,459
- BABY CRIES
- Ah. - What?
453
00:23:48,460 --> 00:23:50,059
No! Where are you going?
454
00:23:50,060 --> 00:23:52,419
I'm going to get Sid,
bring him in the front for a cuddle.
455
00:23:52,420 --> 00:23:54,299
Lorna, this is our time,
just you and me.
456
00:23:54,300 --> 00:23:55,659
Let her cry... Let him cry.
457
00:23:55,660 --> 00:23:58,579
- Ken, I can't listen to him cry.
- Lorna...
458
00:23:58,580 --> 00:23:59,860
You're so beautiful.
459
00:24:10,020 --> 00:24:12,419
- LORNA GASPS
- Ken!
460
00:24:12,420 --> 00:24:14,300
I don't know what's got into you.
461
00:24:20,140 --> 00:24:21,540
Oh, fuck!
462
00:24:26,460 --> 00:24:28,419
Oh...
463
00:24:28,420 --> 00:24:29,979
- Ken?
- Stop!
464
00:24:29,980 --> 00:24:32,659
Someone's got my baby! My baby!
465
00:24:32,660 --> 00:24:35,260
- Stop!
- What the hell have you done with my baby?
466
00:24:37,740 --> 00:24:38,939
Fuck!
467
00:24:38,940 --> 00:24:40,699
No!
468
00:24:40,700 --> 00:24:42,099
Ken, what the hell is going on?
469
00:24:42,100 --> 00:24:45,779
- No!
- Ken! - No!
470
00:24:45,780 --> 00:24:48,059
- Ken!
- BRAKES SCREECH
471
00:24:48,060 --> 00:24:49,659
What the hell are you doing?
472
00:24:49,660 --> 00:24:51,179
So sorry, sir. I can explain.
473
00:24:51,180 --> 00:24:53,779
- You've got a baby
in the back of your car. - I definitely don't.
474
00:24:53,780 --> 00:24:56,739
- No, you have. Dale put it in.
- Hi, I'm Dale.
475
00:24:56,740 --> 00:25:00,340
Oh, thank God, my little girl. Oh!
476
00:25:03,380 --> 00:25:07,299
Don't you dare bring your stodgy
sponge to my mums' group ever again.
477
00:25:07,300 --> 00:25:08,779
KEN GASPS
478
00:25:08,780 --> 00:25:13,379
How dare you!
That sponge was light as a feather.
479
00:25:13,380 --> 00:25:14,699
What the hell is happening?
480
00:25:14,700 --> 00:25:17,219
Going around putting babies in
people's cars. It's not on!
481
00:25:17,220 --> 00:25:20,219
- Just calm down, I can explain.
- Well, I bloody hope you will, Ken.
482
00:25:20,220 --> 00:25:22,659
- The thing is, I went round
to Jess' this afternoon... - Ken!
483
00:25:22,660 --> 00:25:26,099
- I know, I know you told me not to...
- No, I didn't.
484
00:25:26,100 --> 00:25:28,699
- I'm sorry,
this is principally for Lorna. - Who's Lorna?
485
00:25:28,700 --> 00:25:29,740
My wife.
486
00:25:31,020 --> 00:25:34,059
Jess was there
and I had Sid and Eliza and I...
487
00:25:34,060 --> 00:25:37,499
No, no, no, mate.
Mate, listen, I am way behind here.
488
00:25:37,500 --> 00:25:40,099
I'm sorry, Lorn,
can we talk about this in the car?
489
00:25:40,100 --> 00:25:42,780
Yes, I think we'd
better get back to your son, Ken.
490
00:25:55,340 --> 00:25:57,259
What I'm saying, Ken,
is I was right.
491
00:25:57,260 --> 00:25:58,739
That mad bitch did fancy you.
492
00:25:58,740 --> 00:26:00,459
Yes, all right, you were right.
493
00:26:00,460 --> 00:26:03,579
In future, I will remember
I am irresistible to all women.
494
00:26:03,580 --> 00:26:05,939
It's their incredibly
well-kept secret.
495
00:26:05,940 --> 00:26:08,099
How fast did you run
out of that house?
496
00:26:08,100 --> 00:26:10,419
Like a fat Usain Bolt.
THEY LAUGH
497
00:26:10,420 --> 00:26:12,020
- Do you want some wine?
- Yes.
498
00:26:14,260 --> 00:26:15,300
Rachel.
499
00:26:17,500 --> 00:26:19,619
Watching Ken
and Lorna today has taught me
500
00:26:19,620 --> 00:26:21,579
how destructive jealousy can be.
501
00:26:21,580 --> 00:26:23,579
I mean, it seems their marriage
is OK now,
502
00:26:23,580 --> 00:26:25,779
but it was touch-and-go there
earlier.
503
00:26:25,780 --> 00:26:27,579
What are you trying to say, Dale?
504
00:26:27,580 --> 00:26:29,219
About this morning.
505
00:26:29,220 --> 00:26:32,179
I now accept that
somewhere deep, deep down,
506
00:26:32,180 --> 00:26:34,659
I may have some residual feelings
towards you.
507
00:26:34,660 --> 00:26:36,019
But, don't worry,
508
00:26:36,020 --> 00:26:38,899
I will not let those feelings
get in the way of our friendship.
509
00:26:38,900 --> 00:26:42,299
I will crush them
using the immense power of my mind.
510
00:26:42,300 --> 00:26:44,860
OK, well, good luck with that.
511
00:26:46,660 --> 00:26:48,619
So...
512
00:26:48,620 --> 00:26:49,659
we're OK?
513
00:26:49,660 --> 00:26:52,379
Absolutely doodle dandy.
514
00:26:52,380 --> 00:26:53,500
Good.
515
00:26:53,550 --> 00:26:58,100
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