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Previously on Cuckoo...
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There's something we always said
we'd do.
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00:00:04,760 --> 00:00:06,750
Oh, yeah?
What did I promise?
4
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~ To get a vasectomy.
~ What?
5
00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:10,630
Did you go through with it,
or were you a chicken?
6
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~ Why wouldn't I go through with it?
~ Hah! So now you're a eunuch?!
7
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Bloody hell!
8
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Oh, what a tangled web we weave,
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when first we lie about having
a vasectomy.
10
00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:22,710
Steve still gets jealous about my
having a Latin stallion of a lover.
11
00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:24,270
Isn't that right, Pepe?
12
00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:27,110
Yes, I'm fine with Pepe and Connie
sharing the master bedroom.
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I mean, people have sex.
Get over it.
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00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:31,950
I don't think I'd want to live here.
15
00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:34,790
Is it the house you don't like,
or...
16
00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:36,990
.. something else?
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00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:39,270
Mom!
18
00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:41,070
CAR TOOTS
19
00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:43,440
When I first saw you,
I thought you were...
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00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:46,760
Well, I wish we'd never found out.
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"Dear Dave and Pree.
Haven't seen you this year.
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"Don't want to see you next year.
"Why am I doing this?
23
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"Please kill me. Lots of love, Ken."
24
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Er..?
Sorry, Ken and Lorna.
25
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I gave you the option.
26
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You could have watched the film.
27
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Love, Actually?
28
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I'd rather lick the turkey's arse
till it cooked by friction.
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Hey, Lorna.
30
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You been on the roof again?
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Yeah.
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Everything all right?
33
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Yeah.
34
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Erm...
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00:01:38,520 --> 00:01:40,880
Well, I'm going to go for a run.
36
00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:46,630
He's down in the dumps lately,
isn't he?
37
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What do you reckon, Rache?
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~ Maybe he's in love. ~ Why should he
be, he hasn't done anything wrong?!
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I mean, I haven't done anything
wrong.
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I mean... Oh. What was question?
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00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:58,920
I was just wondering who
the lucky girl was.
42
00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:03,150
First love at Christmas.
43
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How romantic, eh?
44
00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:11,230
Oh, I love Christmas.
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I love the songs and the lights...
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And the way you can spell it
two ways.
47
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~ Give it a rest, Lorna.
~ I can't help it, Con.
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I'm just feeling so Christmassy.
49
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Or X-massy!
50
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SHE LAUGHS
51
00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:26,750
Christmas'll be a challenge with
Steve AND Pepe living in the house.
52
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Fighting over who gets
to stuff the turkey.
53
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Yes, how DO you ration that out?
54
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:36,270
Oh. You mean ACTUALLY stuffs
the turkey?
55
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Yes.
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Frankly, Lorne,
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I'm at my wit's end.
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Steve's been so distant lately.
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I feel like I'm sinking fast.
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Oh, Con, carols!
61
00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:53,510
? Ding-dong merrily the sky
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? Is riv'n with angels singing
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? Glooooorrr...
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SHE SINGS ALONG, BADLY
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Oh, Con, this is an absolute
classic!
66
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?..ria, Hosanna in excelsis!
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? Gloooorrrr...
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Get me a towel.
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I need a damp towel to revive her.
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? O, come all ye faithful... ?
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Mrs Thompson? Lorna?
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Are you feeling any better?
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~ You fainted.
~ Fainted? What?
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Would you mind me asking -
are you pregnant?
75
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No! No.
My husband's had the snip.
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00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:35,990
OK, sure.
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Only, as a midwife,
I can usually tell.
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Glad to be of help.
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Gabriel.
80
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Oh! That's a nice Christmassy
name.
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Lorna.
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Take care.
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Oh. He was nice!
84
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Dead wrong about the pregnancy,
though.
85
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Unless it's a virgin birth!
86
00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:55,560
? O come let us adore him
87
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? Christ the Lord ?
88
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KNOCKING
89
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Ken, just thought I'd pop in
for a Christmas visit.
90
00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:04,750
Nina! Wow!
91
00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:06,990
I am surprised to see you.
92
00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:08,990
I'm still so sorry about the...
93
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~ The punch in the face?
~ Yeah, and before that, the...
94
00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:14,270
~ Puking all over me?
~ Yes, the puking.
95
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:15,630
Ken, that's forgotten!
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00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:19,270
Forgotten, because, after all,
this is the season of forgiveness.
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~ Yes.
~ And also presents
98
00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:23,590
and food...
99
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and mistletoe.
100
00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:28,950
So, the community Christmas show
is on Christmas Eve
101
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:32,230
and it's for the school kids and
amateur groups to give something back.
102
00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:34,870
But why am I telling you about
this? You know!
103
00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:36,910
Because Dylan's performing
in it.
104
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:39,710
~ Is he? ~ Yes!
~ Well...
105
00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:44,790
Anyway, I am organising it this year
and I have had a theatrical brainwave.
106
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Right.
107
00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:49,190
Ken, I would be so, so, so grateful,
108
00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:52,910
if you would commit to playing
the role of...
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~ Hamlet! ~ No...
110
00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:55,950
Stanley Kowalski?
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00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:57,470
~ No! ~ Then it must be...
112
00:04:57,520 --> 00:05:00,030
~ Father Christmas. ~ Father Christmas.
113
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No.
Nina, who put you up to this?
114
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They ask me every year.
115
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But it's the role you were born
to play!
116
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You know, with your... stature.
117
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~ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
~ Oh.
118
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You might as well get something back
from all those big lunches.
119
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Oh, come on, Ken. It's Christmas.
120
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:17,590
Yes! It's Christmas, get over it,
Nina.
121
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So that's a...
122
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It's a no!
123
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No, no, Nina.
124
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Nina, no, no.
125
00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:26,430
OK, I'm hearing a maybe.
126
00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:29,230
And I'm counting on you going away
and thinking about it
127
00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:30,990
and coming back to me with a "Yes!"
128
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:32,110
~ No! ~ Merry Christmas.
129
00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:33,870
Merry No-mas.
130
00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:35,000
(Yes...!)
131
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Hey, Mom.
132
00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:44,990
Rache, are these your pregnancy
tests?
133
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Yeah, from when I was trying with
Cuckoo.
134
00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:48,520
Just chuck 'em.
135
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:52,160
Bit of fun.
136
00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:57,040
What the...
137
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:02,310
What's this?
138
00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:03,630
Erm...
139
00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:05,310
It's for you.
140
00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:06,590
Topiary.
141
00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:08,350
Wicked!
142
00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:10,150
So do I need to put it in water,
or...?
143
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:11,400
Mmm.
144
00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:15,870
What the hell is that in my room?
145
00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:17,990
How am I supposed to explain
that to people?
146
00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:21,190
What's to explain? I love you,
you love me, we had amazing sex.
147
00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:22,790
I'm not ashamed, Mom.
148
00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:24,790
Dale, I shouldn't have done
what I did.
149
00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:26,350
We agreed to forget about it.
150
00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:28,670
Forget that? That's impossible!
151
00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:31,150
I never knew my twang stick could do
all that cool stuff.
152
00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:32,630
I'm not his mum, OK?
153
00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:34,670
You have to stop this, it's weird.
154
00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:37,630
What? So the father I never knew,
also happens to be your dead husband?
155
00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:39,230
It's not THAT weird.
156
00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:40,550
It's massively weird.
157
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,070
It stops here, OK?
158
00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:45,350
What if we're meant to be together?
159
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:47,840
What if you're my one?
160
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:51,480
That's my mom.
161
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:00,920
(I do REALLY love Christmas.)
162
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:05,310
Bloody Nina has been texting all day
asking me to reconsider.
163
00:07:05,360 --> 00:07:08,070
I'm a solicitor, Lorne.
I have professional dignity.
164
00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:10,710
Maybe it is nice that people want
you to play Santa.
165
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:13,910
~ It means they see you as a jolly
sort of a person. ~ Oh, do they(?)
166
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:17,390
Yeah, you're right.
Probably because of your belly.
167
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DOOR CLOSES
168
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Ahhh...!
169
00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:22,750
The mystery man returns.
170
00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:25,790
What's this I've heard about you
performing in a Christmas show?
171
00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:27,910
Yeah. I might be doing a song,
or something.
172
00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:31,590
~ HE LAUGHS LOUDLY
~ You're singing?! Oh, fantastic.
173
00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:33,150
Where's this come from, Dyl?
174
00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:34,550
I don't know, Mum. I don't know.
175
00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:36,270
So can you stop with all
the questions?
176
00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:38,190
Come on, Dyl. Tell your mum.
177
00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:40,190
Yeah, come on, spill Dyl.
We won't laugh at you.
178
00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:42,830
All right, well, Zoe said
she'd only get back with me
179
00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:45,110
if I sang some stupid song
at the stupid show.
180
00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:46,870
What?! Why would she do that?
181
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:49,590
May be because she's trying to
control me like women do?
182
00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:50,870
Dylan.
183
00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:53,670
Zoe does seem a tad manipulative.
184
00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:55,390
Yeah, what can I do, Mum?!
185
00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:57,080
I love the bitch.
186
00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:02,550
HE SIGHS HEAVILY
187
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:04,550
Jesus Christ, Dale!
188
00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:07,350
~ What are you doing in my room,
you freak! ~ Contemplating.
189
00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:09,150
I think maybe I'm in love.
190
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:10,910
Ohhhh...!
191
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:13,870
I just can't seem to get this
girl out of my head.
192
00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:16,360
~ We intercoursed, Dylan.
~ Nice!
193
00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:20,550
In the cult we were taught the first
person we intercoursed with
194
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:21,870
would be our alien bride.
195
00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:24,750
And we'd intercourse with her,
and only her, for ever.
196
00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:26,830
That's pretty stupid.
197
00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:28,550
Mind you, first girl that I did it
with
198
00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:30,350
was an escort that Dad paid for.
199
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:33,440
No-one actually believes that story,
Dylan.
200
00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:46,190
Oh, Ken, some news.
201
00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:49,110
I've invited Connie and Steve to
the Christmas balti.
202
00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:51,030
You've done what?
203
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,550
The Christmas balti
is my favourite family tradition.
204
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:56,310
Don't be stupid.
Curry, two days before Christmas?
205
00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:59,710
It's not a curry, Lorne.
It's a Birmingham balti.
206
00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:01,070
What is the difference?
207
00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:03,080
It's in a metal bowl.
208
00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:08,240
Ken, can I have a word for a second?
209
00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:13,310
My God!
Going to be a grandad?
210
00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:15,550
~ Have you spoken to Rachel about
this? ~ No.
211
00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:17,150
I wanted to check in with you first.
212
00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:19,910
The plan was to propose in three
months' time,
213
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,070
when we exchanged on the new build.
214
00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:23,750
It's my mum's 60th that month,
215
00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:27,070
so I thought we'd roll both parties
into one.
216
00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:29,670
If Rachel's pregnant, should
I ask her now?
217
00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:30,990
It might be nice.
218
00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:32,830
Then I'll do it!
219
00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:35,710
God, I feel so impetuous,
when I hang out with you, Ken!
220
00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:37,750
And I know just the occasion.
221
00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:40,670
I'll ask her at the Thompson
family Christmas balti.
222
00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:41,710
(Oh, boy....)
223
00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:43,670
~ Really? ~ It's perfect!
224
00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:46,470
I always feel weirdly confident
with the balti in me.
225
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:49,070
~ Probably the beer.
~ Yeah, could be the beer.
226
00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:51,950
Look, do you not think you should
take her someone nice, on her own?
227
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,830
I thought about this, Ken.
228
00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:55,430
I know what people think of me -
229
00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:58,110
that I'm predictable, plodding,
even boring.
230
00:09:58,160 --> 00:10:00,030
Sure, I'm financially organised,
231
00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:01,790
and damn good at conveyancing,
232
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:04,430
but I'm also a daredevil!
233
00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:06,230
Yes, you are.
234
00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:09,270
Well, then, good luck.
235
00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:11,310
Thanks.
236
00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:12,560
Dad.
237
00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:20,990
Think I've had a Dr King before.
238
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:24,190
My husband, Dr King, is also
a partner here,
239
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:26,750
as is his father, Dr King.
240
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:28,750
Three Kings! Funny, eh?
241
00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:29,990
Yes!
242
00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:31,950
FORCED LAUGH
243
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:35,550
Well, there's definitely a baby,
in fact, you're two months gone.
244
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:38,190
Two months?
No, that's wrong, Doctor.
245
00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:41,470
~ My husband had a vasectomy
four months ago. ~ Did he?
246
00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:45,830
~ Well, that's interesting, isn't it?
~ So, how has this happened?
247
00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:49,590
Well, I mean,
that's hard for me to say.
248
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:54,230
Can you remember, perhaps,
any encounter you may have had...?
249
00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:58,470
~ What sort of encounter?
~ Perhaps an encounter with a man?
250
00:10:58,520 --> 00:11:00,230
And his penis?
251
00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:02,510
~ What?! ~ Have a think.
252
00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:05,030
~ Something may come back to you.
~ No, it won't.
253
00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:07,590
Mrs Thompson, I believe you.
254
00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:10,590
~ Did you just...?!
~ Mm, no.
255
00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:14,320
Whatever you think you saw
was your imagination.
256
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:40,840
LAUGHTER AND CHATTER
257
00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:54,590
~ So, you going to sing for your
dinner, bitch? ~ Don't call me that!
258
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:56,550
Not in public.
259
00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:59,390
~ Here you are, love.
~ No, you enjoy yourself, I'll drive.
260
00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:01,390
That's not like you, you old soak!
261
00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:04,840
SHE LAUGHS
262
00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:13,280
HE BELCHES
263
00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:16,110
That's disgusting!
264
00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:20,800
~ Oof! Wow, that even reached me.
~ Just going to go get some air.
265
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,110
~ I know. ~ You know what?
266
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:35,070
I know you're going to need someone
to look after you soon, Rachel.
267
00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:36,910
~ Dale... ~ Rachel Thompson.
268
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:37,990
Until two months ago,
269
00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:41,110
I never considered that the female
in my life might be a living,
270
00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:44,350
breathing woman, rather than
a terrifying extraterrestrial.
271
00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:47,550
~ Dale, get up! People will see! ~ OK.
272
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:50,670
I never planned on falling in love
with my dad's widowed wife.
273
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:54,830
But you don't love Ben! And one of us
has to be there for you.
274
00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:56,350
Come on through, let's go.
275
00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:59,830
Rachel, I need you to choose between
me and him.
276
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:01,310
Dale, please, stop.
277
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:02,630
Right now, right here.
278
00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:05,790
I'm not walking out of this room
until you give me an answer, OK?
279
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:07,470
Two names, me or Ben, OK?
280
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:12,560
~ Ben or me, me or Ben. ~ OK.
281
00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:19,160
Ben.
282
00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:22,480
Ben?!
283
00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:25,200
But you don't love him!
284
00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:33,630
~ Don't you even like me? ~ Yes! Dale, I
like you. But Ben's good and kind...
285
00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:36,630
and when I'm with him, it...
286
00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:38,960
basically never feels like incest.
287
00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:42,600
Rachel...
288
00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:45,670
.. you're my one.
289
00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:47,000
No.
290
00:13:48,280 --> 00:13:50,400
I'm not, Dale.
291
00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:54,200
I'm not, I'm sorry.
292
00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:57,320
OK.
293
00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:02,280
I need to go for a jog.
294
00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:08,870
Connie, I can't think of any other
explanation!
295
00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:12,670
Well, you have always really
loved Christmas.
296
00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:14,830
But Ken's never going to believe me.
297
00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:17,840
It'll be just like it was
when I saw that UFO.
298
00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:21,550
Probably worse.
299
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:24,830
Oh, Con, it's so great to get it
off my chest.
300
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:28,680
~ You know, to finally get
a sense of perspective. ~ Yes.
301
00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:33,080
We must prepare
for the coming of a Messiah.
302
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:42,110
What's happened to Dale?
303
00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:43,480
I don't know.
304
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:53,750
LOUD CLINKING
305
00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:58,230
Ladies and gents, on this day 20
years ago, I proposed to Connie.
306
00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:00,550
On this day, but in February.
307
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:05,710
And we married and we were happy
in that magical... angry way
308
00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:07,750
that young people are.
309
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:12,230
A lot of water has passed under
the bridge since.
310
00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:15,910
There's been affairs, on both sides.
311
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:21,750
Connie's, you know about,
mine were a bit more hush-hush,
312
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:23,800
and with... models.
313
00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:27,870
Anyway, the long
and short of it is, I've had enough.
314
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:31,710
~ Steve, don't leave me!
~ I've had enough, Connie.
315
00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:34,390
I demand to return
to the master bedroom.
316
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:37,950
Pepe, you can still have the spare
room, I mean, that's only fair.
317
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:41,510
Connie, you're my wife.
318
00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:45,600
~ I want to be your main husband
again. ~ Steve... ~ Hmm?
319
00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:52,310
~ Yes! I say yes! ~ Come here.
320
00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:54,320
SHE SQUEALS
321
00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:00,830
I think they are waiting for us
to clap.
322
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,600
POLITE APPLAUSE
323
00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:07,230
SHE SIGHS HAPPILY
324
00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:08,870
And now, to prove my manhood,
I'm going
325
00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:11,510
to order the hottest
curry on the menu.
326
00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:12,950
Amar!
327
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:14,550
It's John.
328
00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:16,070
John.
329
00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:19,670
Er, your hottest mushroom phal,
please.
330
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:23,070
Had one of these on my wedding
night. Almost hospitalised me.
331
00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:27,110
Mr Chance, please be aware that
since 20 years,
332
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:31,390
the heat of the chillies available in
this country has increased tenfold.
333
00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:34,270
Yeah, all right, no need for
the history lesson, John.
334
00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:37,870
I can take it.
I could take anything tonight.
335
00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:40,550
Burning!
My sides are burning like Mordor!
336
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,550
STEVE GROANS
337
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:47,790
Maybe it's better you missed
your slot. Maybe do it quietly.
338
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,430
Screw that, Ken.
339
00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:51,870
I said my proposal would be brave
and in public,
340
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:53,870
and brave and in public it will be!
341
00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:58,830
Nina. She wants me to be Santa at
the community Christmas performance.
342
00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:02,560
~ Christmas show. That's public.
~ Oh, yeah, it's at the Town Hall.
343
00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:05,630
Oh, Christ, no!
344
00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:08,350
You have to do this for me.
Get me on that stage!
345
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:10,110
Ben, if I do this,
346
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:12,830
it will mean throwing away every
bit of dignity I've gathered
347
00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:16,630
~ over 25 years as a respected lawyer
in this cathedral city. ~ Really?
348
00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:19,230
More than the time you were caught
stealing at a funeral?
349
00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:21,870
It wasn't stealing!
But, yes, more than that.
350
00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:24,590
What about the time you falsely
accused our senior partner
351
00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:26,790
of masturbating to a sex tape
of your daughter,
352
00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:29,110
but in fact he had Parkinson's?
353
00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:32,110
Yes, Ben, that was undignified,
but this is worse.
354
00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:33,990
I don't think I can do this.
355
00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:37,470
Didn't you also once turn up
to a kids' party high on E?
356
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:39,150
Oh, fuck it, I'll do it.
357
00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:41,960
~ Thanks. Dad. ~ Yes, you've done that.
358
00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:53,040
Hey, Pepe.
359
00:17:56,120 --> 00:17:58,240
HE SIGHS
360
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:05,150
Pepe, what do you do when the girl
you love can't love you back?
361
00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:08,270
I mean, how can you carry on living
around them
362
00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:11,720
when every moment cuts your heart
like a tiny little knife?
363
00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:16,790
If you ask me,
when it gets too complicated,
364
00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:19,350
best to fuck off out of there.
365
00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:20,630
Good luck, son.
366
00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:22,240
I'm moving to Solihull.
367
00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:34,310
~ Ready for the show? ~ I am.
368
00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:36,910
So weird that Ken changed his mind
about the Santa thing.
369
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:38,320
Yeah, isn't it?
370
00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:42,200
~ Where have you been all morning?
~ What, eh? What?
371
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:48,790
~ Well, if you must know, Rach,
I went to church. ~ Church?!
372
00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:50,870
~ You don't believe in God. ~ Don't I?
373
00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:53,470
I mean, science can't prove
everything.
374
00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:55,150
There's more things in heaven
375
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:59,030
~ and earth that are dreamt of in your
philosophy. Shakespeare. ~ Oh, right.
376
00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:02,800
~ Which play? ~ No idea.
Heard it on Ghost Hunters.
377
00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:07,760
EXCITED CHATTER
378
00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:15,440
Come on out now, Ken, let's see you.
379
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:20,350
~ SHE GASPS
~ Oh, great!
380
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:23,270
And remember to slap your belly
when you laugh. Ho-ho-ho!
381
00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:26,390
~ Ho-ho-ho.
~ Yeah, but slap your belly.
382
00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:29,550
Hah, beautiful! Really got to use
those natural assets.
383
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:32,310
And I love your little
Robin Hood friend, too.
384
00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:34,630
I'm an elf!
385
00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:38,190
~ How do I look? ~ Look, are you sure
you want to go through with this?
386
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:41,520
OK, message from front of stage,
fanmail already!
387
00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:48,150
DALE: "Ken, by the time you read
this, I will be gone.
388
00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:51,310
"I've lost the girl I love
and can't bear to stay.
389
00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:53,310
"That's all you need to know.
390
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:56,550
"You will never know
where I'm going, nor why."
391
00:19:56,600 --> 00:20:02,150
It's from Dale. He's leaving
and he won't say where!
392
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:03,510
Oh, stand down, he's written it
393
00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:05,310
on the back of his
booking confirmation.
394
00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:07,510
The bellend's on the next train
out of Lichfield!
395
00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:10,760
Ken, wait,
I can't do this without you!
396
00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:14,520
BRAKES SCREECH
397
00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:21,830
Which way is the train to London?
398
00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:23,750
I can't let you through
without a ticket.
399
00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:26,110
I'm not travelling, it's...
I've got to go and see my son...
400
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:30,750
~ Well, he's my step grandson. ~ It's
Santa! ~ It's not, please. I'm not.
401
00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:33,710
Santa! Santa! It's the real Santa!
402
00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:36,830
~ Go away! ~ Hey, this isn't your patch.
403
00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:39,150
He shouldn't even be in the station!
404
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:42,150
~ Hey, big guy! ~ What? Piss off!
405
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,470
~ THEY GASP
~ I'm not Santa.
406
00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:47,630
You heard him, mate. Jog on.
407
00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:52,080
~ Please, I beg you! ~ You can't go
through without a ticket!
408
00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:03,110
Dale!
409
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:04,680
Santa?
410
00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:08,360
Ken?!
411
00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:13,720
Oof!
412
00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:20,950
~ Oh, Steve, Con!
Two tickets, please. ~ Hi, Lorn.
413
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:24,640
Sorry, we're all booked out tonight.
No room at the inn!
414
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:28,430
Oh, actually, you might be in luck,
415
00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:31,190
we do have a cancellation
this afternoon.
416
00:21:31,240 --> 00:21:35,030
~ Oh, that's great, thanks. ~ You can
have Mrs Shepherd's tickets.
417
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:37,630
~ Lorna, thank God! Where's Rachel?
~ She's on her way.
418
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:40,350
~ Why are you dressed as a plant?
~ I'm an elf!
419
00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:42,470
Ken has bailed, I need a Santa.
420
00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:44,720
Did someone say Santa?
421
00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:47,790
Anyone else?
422
00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:50,110
Lorna thought you'd probably
met someone.
423
00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:51,760
Do you want to talk about it?
424
00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:54,600
OK.
425
00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:57,710
But Dale, come on.
426
00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:02,110
So, a girl breaks your heart.
Is it worth leaving your family for?
427
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:03,950
It's worse than that, Ken.
428
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:05,550
Don't be silly.
429
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:09,830
What can you have possibly done that
your family can't help you out with?
430
00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:11,880
HE SIGHS
431
00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:15,240
I intercoursed with Rachel.
432
00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:18,630
Ohh!
433
00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:22,910
Disg... That is disgusting!
434
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:26,790
Oh, she's your... Well, she's not
your mum, but...
435
00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:28,830
Come... Dale!
436
00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:33,110
Oh, no! Oh, sorry. That is yuck.
437
00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:36,840
~ I've totally fallen for her.
~ She's your dad's widow!
438
00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:40,070
Oh, God.
439
00:22:40,120 --> 00:22:42,270
It's not yours, is it, the baby?
440
00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:45,070
Maybe. But she says
she wants to stay with Ben.
441
00:22:45,120 --> 00:22:47,870
That's why I've got to leave town.
442
00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:49,910
She doesn't love him.
443
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:53,430
She's going to marry him
and she doesn't love him.
444
00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:55,390
I'm going to stop him proposing!
445
00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:57,870
~ OK, the Town Hall. ~ No, Ken...
446
00:22:57,920 --> 00:23:00,390
Um...
447
00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:02,270
I'm sorry, Ken.
448
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:05,640
I can't. It's too painful to
be around Rachel right now.
449
00:23:06,840 --> 00:23:09,670
I guess one thing
I've learned about love is,
450
00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:12,710
you can't change
what's in your heart.
451
00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:15,030
Oh, get over it, Dawson's Creek!
452
00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:16,440
CAR STARTS
453
00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:19,670
OK, Santa and Elf, two minutes!
454
00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:23,550
~ Where's the Santa stuff?
~ Ken was wearing the Santa stuff! ~ Ohh!
455
00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:30,720
I'm just going to have to make do.
Think Santa... and I can BE Santa.
456
00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:35,080
APPLAUSE
457
00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:38,550
And now, who's coming?
458
00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:42,310
Why, it's Santa
and his special Christmas elf!
459
00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:45,720
APPLAUSE
460
00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:53,750
Hello, children.
461
00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:56,590
Let's spend some quality time
together.
462
00:23:56,640 --> 00:24:00,000
~ What is he dressed as?
~ Some kind of glam rock Oompa-Loompa.
463
00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:03,110
Who has been good
and who has been bad?
464
00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:07,110
I hope you've all been good, because
I've got presents for you all.
465
00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:11,080
And I've got announcements, like...
466
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:21,470
Congratulations to little Eve Tully,
it's her birthday today. Ho-ho-ho!
467
00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:23,360
Ho-ho!
468
00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:30,790
Come on, come on!
469
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:34,990
And with that, I bid you
a Santa-ish goodbye!
470
00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:37,110
~ Steve! ~ What?
471
00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:38,870
Oh, yeah.
472
00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:44,920
Wait, for my special Christmas elf
also has something to say.
473
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:52,710
I'm Ben, the Christmas elf, and this
is my elf and safety announcement!
474
00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:55,070
It will mean a short
break in the show,
475
00:24:55,120 --> 00:24:57,760
but hey, guys - don't be elfish!
476
00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:01,790
OK, you didn't like that.
477
00:25:01,840 --> 00:25:05,030
I might just skip
the banter with Santa bit.
478
00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:07,470
Why? Ohhh...
479
00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:10,950
I have a very special
request for a really fantastic
480
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:12,510
girl in the audience.
481
00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:13,710
Rachel Thompson.
482
00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:17,150
TRUMPETER PLAYS FANFARE
483
00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:19,630
Rachel, I love you.
484
00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:21,230
AUDIENCE: Aww!
485
00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:26,550
Will you be mine,
in sickness and in elf?
486
00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:30,440
TRUMPETER PLAYS FANFARE
487
00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:39,430
Yes!
488
00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:41,190
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
489
00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:43,270
Sure, I'll marry you!
490
00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:44,800
Why not?
491
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:48,590
Ben!
492
00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:50,190
Don't do it, she doesn't love you.
493
00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:52,230
~ Ken! ~ Ken, she just said yes.
494
00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:54,990
What?! You said yes?
495
00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:56,910
Dad, what are you doing?!
496
00:25:56,960 --> 00:26:01,310
~ You don't have to say yes, not
if Ben isn't the guy for you. ~ Er...
497
00:26:01,360 --> 00:26:03,280
Not if you love someone else.
498
00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:07,560
What?
499
00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:10,280
Do you?
500
00:26:12,760 --> 00:26:14,270
I'm so sorry.
501
00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:16,470
AUDIENCE GASP
502
00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:19,670
~ You've got nothing to be sorry for.
~ Ken, this is unhelpful.
503
00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:24,110
And I want you to know, if you don't
marry him, we will stand by you.
504
00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:25,790
And the baby.
505
00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:27,630
Ken, this is actually quite
treacherous.
506
00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:31,630
What are you talking about? Baby?
I'm not pregnant.
507
00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:32,910
TOGETHER: Aren't you?
508
00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:35,870
Ken, Rachel isn't pregnant.
509
00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:37,070
I am.
510
00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:40,790
TRUMPETER PLAYS FANFARE
511
00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:44,190
I know you might say that can't be,
but it's true.
512
00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:46,830
And you know I would never,
ever cheat on you,
513
00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:49,390
and that means the only
other option is...
514
00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:53,830
~ I'm the new Virgin Mary!
~ Lorna is the new Virgin Mary.
515
00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:56,950
When you have eliminated
the impossible, whatever remains,
516
00:26:57,000 --> 00:27:01,030
however improbable, must be
the truth. That's Ghost Hunters.
517
00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:04,710
~ Is this why you went to church this
morning? ~ Ken, it's been awful!
518
00:27:04,760 --> 00:27:07,910
I took the test
and then I checked it with the doctor
519
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:10,350
and I thought you'd think that
I'd been, you know...
520
00:27:10,400 --> 00:27:12,910
~ I lied about the vasectomy.
~ Say what?!
521
00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:17,190
I did have it, but two months after
I said I had it. I'm sorry, Lorn.
522
00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:18,910
You lied to me?!
523
00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:22,470
Actually, that is a massive relief!
524
00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:26,510
Oh, I am not
the new Virgin Mary. Yes!
525
00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:29,550
False alarm, repeat,
false alarm, no second coming.
526
00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:32,390
~ APPLAUSE
~ And, we're going to have a baby!
527
00:27:32,440 --> 00:27:34,350
APPLAUSE
528
00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:36,560
Oh, bollocks!
529
00:27:40,120 --> 00:27:44,910
And so, everybody is happy
at Christmas, ha-ha-hah!
530
00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:46,470
Well, I'm not.
531
00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:50,670
Everybody except Ben
is happy at Christmas.
532
00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:52,790
And now, to present our finale,
533
00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:55,120
Dylan Thompson in
A Perfect Christmas.
534
00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:59,760
APPLAUSE
535
00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:11,520
MIC FEEDS BACK
536
00:28:13,760 --> 00:28:18,830
? Hark, the Herald Angels sing
537
00:28:18,880 --> 00:28:25,390
? Glory to the newborn King. ?
538
00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:30,350
BEATBOXING AND DOO-WOP BACKING VOCALS
539
00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:34,030
? Hark, the Herald Angels sing
540
00:28:34,080 --> 00:28:38,670
? Glory to the newborn King
541
00:28:38,720 --> 00:28:42,390
? Peace on Earth and mercy mild
542
00:28:42,440 --> 00:28:46,510
? God and sinners reconciled
543
00:28:46,560 --> 00:28:50,350
? Joyful all ye nations rise
544
00:28:50,400 --> 00:28:54,190
? Join the triumph of the skies
545
00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:56,790
? With angelic host proclaim... ?
546
00:28:56,840 --> 00:29:01,950
~ You're staying for Christmas.
Christmas is for family. ~ You got it.
547
00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:05,950
? Hark, the Herald Angels sing
548
00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:10,110
? Glory to the newborn King... ?
549
00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:13,480
DOO-WOP BACKING VOCALS
550
00:29:14,680 --> 00:29:17,990
? Christ by highest heaven adored
551
00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:21,990
? Christ the everlasting Lord
552
00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:26,630
? Late in time, behold him come
553
00:29:26,680 --> 00:29:30,470
? Offspring of a virgin's womb
554
00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:34,430
? Veiled in flesh the Godhead see
555
00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:37,910
? Hail the incarnate Deity
556
00:29:37,960 --> 00:29:42,110
? Pleased as man with man to dwell
557
00:29:42,160 --> 00:29:46,150
? Jesus, our Emmanuel
558
00:29:46,200 --> 00:29:49,950
? Hark, the Herald Angels sing
559
00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:54,110
? Glory to the newborn king. ?
560
00:29:54,160 --> 00:29:58,790
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
561
00:29:58,840 --> 00:30:00,670
I'm sorry, Dad.
562
00:30:00,720 --> 00:30:04,350
? I still had a lot of growing
563
00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:08,640
? When you took me
and you shaped me with those hands
564
00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:18,150
? You know me better than myself
565
00:30:18,200 --> 00:30:23,200
? Make me better than I am
566
00:30:26,640 --> 00:30:30,710
? Oh, you know me well
567
00:30:30,760 --> 00:30:35,470
? You know me well, you know me well
568
00:30:35,520 --> 00:30:41,150
MOTOR STARTING
569
00:30:41,200 --> 00:30:42,830
Dale, wait!
570
00:30:42,880 --> 00:30:47,510
? You know me well... ?
571
00:30:47,560 --> 00:30:48,870
Wait!
572
00:30:48,920 --> 00:30:52,280
? You know me well. ?
573
00:30:52,330 --> 00:30:56,880
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