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WIND HOWLS
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VOICE ON RADIO: 'I'm totally fine.
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'OK, maybe I shouldn't have climbed
this terrifying windy rock face but
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00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:34,990
'I saw the baby goat and I just had
to save that little critter's life.'
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00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:36,750
GOAT BLEATS
That is mountain goat.
6
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They live on mountain.
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You're not saving life,
you're just chasing him.
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00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:44,230
MAN SPEAKS NEPALI
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00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:45,590
'Four goats!
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'Four of 'em, just sitting on
the mountain like they live here.'
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00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:54,190
Yes. Mountain goat!
I tell you many times!
12
00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:56,550
'Wow, they have awesome balance!
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00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:59,190
'I don't think I can keep my grip
on such a steep...
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00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:00,800
'Whoa!'
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00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:09,840
MAN SPEAKS NEPALI
16
00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:16,430
Young man dressed like,
er, it's special phrase -
17
00:01:16,480 --> 00:01:20,150
in your language, Western man
who think he look Nepalese,
18
00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:24,320
but actually just look like penis.
Phew, oh, so it's not Cuckoo!
19
00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:27,950
Are there any other details?
HE CONTINUES IN NEPALI
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00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,750
He remember one final thing.
21
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Young man have, how you say...
interesting packed lunch.
22
00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:38,280
On the outside,
hard like leather of the yak...
23
00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:45,510
..on the inside, soft and fluffy
like the yawny of the great goddess.
24
00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:49,320
Jacket potato-ah!
25
00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:52,710
SHE SOBS
26
00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:54,430
Jacket potato-ah!
27
00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:57,350
Jacket potato. Rachel, I'm so sorry.
28
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Jacket potatoes!
SOBBING CONTINUES
29
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HE SPEAKS NEPALI AGAIN
Jacket potatoes!
30
00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:04,760
SHE SOBS LOUDLY
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00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:09,320
MUSIC: "No Rain"
by Blind Melon
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00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:30,310
? All I can say is
that my life is pretty plain
33
00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:36,870
? I like watchin'
the puddles gather rain
34
00:02:36,920 --> 00:02:42,790
? And all I can do is just
pour some tea for two... ?
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00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:45,640
SONG CONTINUES ON THE RADIO,
KEN SIGHS
36
00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:48,790
Get it open right now, Dylan!
37
00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:52,280
Got a good feeling about this, Ken.
Have you? Yes.
38
00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:57,550
Oh, bollocks!
I didn't get any of my choices.
39
00:02:57,600 --> 00:03:00,390
Right, well, sorry, I disown you.
He tried his best!
40
00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:03,550
Anyway, with looks like that,
Dyly doesn't need good grades.
41
00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:05,830
Ha-ha!
I was shitting you, you idiots!
42
00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:09,430
I got in! To do media studies
at the University of Roehampton.
43
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:11,510
Oh, wow, Dyly! You little shit!
44
00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:15,310
Roehampton! I'll take that, son.
I'll bloody take that! Well done.
45
00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:18,270
Now do you see what a dick you were,
Dad, telling me to work harder?
46
00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:20,750
Aw, we'll miss you when you go
to uni, Dylan. Obviously.
47
00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:23,240
Champagne, I think.
Who cares if it's before work?!
48
00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:28,120
Get it in!
49
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:41,560
CHEERFUL WHISTLING
50
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:45,470
Ben, hello. You seem cheerful.
51
00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:48,270
Well, Dylan actually
got in to university.
52
00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:50,630
Says something
about the state of the country,
53
00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:53,270
but otherwise, great news.
And what can I do for you?
54
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:55,070
Other than get us
a new centre forward
55
00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:57,550
for the City game on Saturday.
We need one! Ha!
56
00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:59,710
God, we need one.
I might just do it myself.
57
00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:02,430
You'd be an improvement!
"Here comes the big man upfront."
58
00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:04,230
"Bit of weight to throw around."
59
00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:05,680
OK, let's leave it there.
60
00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:08,110
Well...
61
00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:09,910
What's up, my boy?
62
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:13,760
Ken, OK, er, Ken...
63
00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:16,910
What is it? Hurry up.
64
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:20,510
Rachel and I have been seeing each
other for just shy of a year now
65
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:23,270
and, as tradition dictates,
I thought it right
66
00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:27,590
to seek your permission
to ask your daughter to... Yes...?
67
00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:29,870
..cohabit with me.
68
00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:34,110
Cohabit? Yes. With Rachel's
temp income, by my reckoning,
69
00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:38,430
we could stretch to a three-bed
semi with adequate garden area.
70
00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:41,470
I've put together a folder
of potential mortgages.
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00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:42,960
Take a squiz!
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00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:47,630
Colour coded.
A very complete job, then.
73
00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:49,400
I'm asking her tomorrow.
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00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:56,470
Good luck, and, Ben,
as my old granddaddy used to say,
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00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:59,630
"When you're out a-wooing,
never take a folder.
76
00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:04,070
"Aim for romance, chocolates,
flowers and a black polo neck."
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00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:05,960
Done, done and done.
78
00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:08,750
Ken...
79
00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:12,710
Rachel's had a lot of unpredictable
influences in her life,
80
00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:16,240
but I swear,
she won't have any from me.
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00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:24,080
HE WHISTLES CHEERFULLY
82
00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:27,830
Rachel's in no state
to make big decisions yet.
83
00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:31,110
It's like she's been a different
person since Cuckoo went missing.
84
00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:33,070
Oi, you stay out of it.
85
00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:35,430
Ben is solid, dependable -
it's just what Rachel needs.
86
00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:37,550
He's really bloody boring, Ken.
87
00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:41,150
If it's not football,
it's law or local history.
88
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:43,310
Three of my major interests.
89
00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:46,910
Yes, but you, Ken, make them
fascinating. Oh, no, I don't!
90
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:50,430
I just don't talk about them
and I listen to you instead.
91
00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:51,560
It's true.
92
00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:57,310
Oh...
and do not tell Rachel he's asking.
93
00:05:57,360 --> 00:05:58,600
Like I would.
94
00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:02,630
Ken, don't look at me like that,
I am not going to tell.
95
00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:04,240
I promise. Mmm.
96
00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:07,550
Well, SHE'S had work.
97
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:09,440
That's Gok Wan, Lorn.
98
00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:12,800
SHE LAUGHS: Oh, yeah.
99
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:30,950
KEN BRUSHES HIS TEETH
100
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,830
Rachel moving out,
Dylan going to university.
101
00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:36,870
In a year,
there'll be just the two of us.
102
00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:39,670
I can't wait.
Finally, some peace and quiet.
103
00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:41,910
Actually, I did want to talk to you.
104
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:45,390
There's, er...
something we always said we'd do.
105
00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:49,550
A...a promise you made to me
before we got married.
106
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Oh, yeah? What did I promise?
107
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:53,590
To get a vasectomy.
108
00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:56,390
What?! Back in '92,
when you had long hair,
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00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:58,710
you said it was unfair that women
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00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:01,230
had to take all the responsibility
for birth control.
111
00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:03,190
Such a caring,
thoughtful thing to say.
112
00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:06,110
Yeah, what a thoughtful caring boy
I was in my 20s.
113
00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:09,670
Come on, it's not like
we're going to have any more kids.
114
00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:12,830
Well, maybe there's a gesture
you could make in return.
115
00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:15,790
Is this that disgusting fantasy
you mentioned last May?
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00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:17,440
Yes, it is.
117
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:20,200
Deal.
118
00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:24,790
And thus, my hairy friends,
your fate is sealed.
119
00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:25,920
Yes!
120
00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:42,670
Dad was in a funny mood
this morning. Yes.
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00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:45,790
He's bricking it
about his vasectomy.
122
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Which, by the way,
you're not meant to know about.
123
00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:50,470
I think I was happier not knowing.
124
00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:53,670
We thought, now you and Dylan
are moving out, we...
125
00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:56,270
Shit. What? I'm not moving out.
126
00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:58,590
Yes, I'm not supposed
to say that one either.
127
00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:00,070
Never mind, here goes.
128
00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:02,990
Ben is planning on asking you
to move in with him.
129
00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:04,320
Right.
130
00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:07,560
Well, yeah, makes sense.
131
00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:10,510
Well, who am I kidding?
132
00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:13,670
I was married to someone
incredible, unique... Yes.
133
00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:17,110
..and that happy part of my life's
over now, so why not?
134
00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:19,550
TYRES SCREECH, LOUD THUD,
MAN YELLS IN PAIN
135
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,110
Oh!
136
00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:24,710
Argh. Argh!
Bloody hell! Are you OK?!
137
00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:27,910
Oh...
Sir, do you know you just hit me?
138
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:29,390
Excuse me, sir! You just hit me
139
00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:31,670
with your mobile vehicle!
INAUDIBLE RESPONSE
140
00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:33,950
Unbelievable! Hello.
141
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:38,030
Are you OK? Yeah. Oh, I'm fine,
just...processing the pain.
142
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:39,670
Oh.
143
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:42,320
Oh, well, you're not
from round here, are you?
144
00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:45,120
No.
145
00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:48,310
I'm from a valley,
146
00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:51,190
hidden high in the peaks
of Uttarakhand Province, India.
147
00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:52,950
Winters are stormy and fierce,
148
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,430
but come summer, the whole place
teems with Brahma Kamal.
149
00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:58,270
A white lotus.
150
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,160
Flower of the mountains.
151
00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:03,790
It's nice. OK, see ya!
152
00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:06,470
Oh, are you sure
you don't want us to call someone?
153
00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:08,910
Oh, no, it's not
the end of the world, right?
154
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:10,550
Not till tomorrow night.
HE LAUGHS
155
00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:11,680
Oh.
156
00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:16,670
Whoo-ho-ho!
157
00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:18,910
Chemistry or what?
158
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:22,480
Mum! Chemistry or what?
Do you know what you look like?
159
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:41,510
Ken.
160
00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:42,710
Steve?
161
00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:45,910
I knew you'd be worried, I had
myself transferred for the day,
162
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,150
so I could handle your unmanning
personally.
163
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:50,190
Unnecessary. Oh, don't mention it.
164
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:53,750
I'm not letting my best pal's testes
get anything but premier service.
165
00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:55,990
HE SLAPS HIS BACK
166
00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:57,470
SOAP DISPENSER RATTLES
167
00:09:57,520 --> 00:09:59,590
Lorna says you're back
in the family home.
168
00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:02,270
Oh, yeah, I've moved back in
with Connie and her lover.
169
00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:03,790
Being grown-ups about it.
170
00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:07,190
I'm fine with Pepe and Connie
sharing the master bedroom.
171
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:10,190
I mean, people have sex,
get over it.
172
00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:13,590
And if it's going to happen anyway,
better it happens in my bed.
173
00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:15,590
Right, Ken? OK.
174
00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:18,190
So, preliminaries before surgery.
175
00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:19,840
Ah...
176
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:22,680
..if you could, er...
177
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:27,720
HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE
178
00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:31,600
HE WOLF-WHISTLES
Oh, ah, hello.
179
00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:34,840
Lower your trousers.
180
00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:43,070
Oh.
181
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,990
Steve, could you try to sound
a little less excited, please?
182
00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:47,990
You always wonder
when you're going to see
183
00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:51,190
your best mate's cock and balls.
It's normally in a public urinal,
184
00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:53,310
but I've noted, Ken,
you don't use them much.
185
00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:56,270
You have a bladder
like a ruddy bison.
186
00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:57,600
OK.
187
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:02,910
RAZOR BUZZES
188
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:05,190
Erm, and this is...?
189
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:08,470
Ah, I prefer to work
in a hair-free environment.
190
00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:11,110
You prefer?!
You mean, it's not compulsory?
191
00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:15,230
Well, I suppose, technically,
you get a choice.
192
00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:17,360
Right, then turn it off,
you little bastard.
193
00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:20,270
Shame.
194
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:22,040
HE TURNS IT OFF
It's your loss.
195
00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:26,670
Well, I'm very positive,
it's got a really nice shape to it.
196
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:29,230
Really nice...proportions.
197
00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:32,350
I look forward to operating upon it.
198
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,830
OK, sorry, Steve,
I've changed my mind. What?
199
00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:37,710
Why? I won't mess it up, Ken.
It won't be like the last times.
200
00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:41,590
The last TIMES?
Yeah. I am definitely leaving.
201
00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:43,910
No, Ken, wait. Wait, I love you.
202
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:46,160
What? Oh, I don't love you.
203
00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:54,470
Mum, it was hours ago.
Can we drop it now? No, we can't.
204
00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:56,510
You should've got his number,
you loser.
205
00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:58,630
What was I going to do?
Run after him?
206
00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:01,950
Rachel, you will keep your dignity
and die a spinster.
207
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:04,150
Mum! I'm with Ben!
208
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,550
I know, I like Ben, I honestly do.
209
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:09,200
But there was something
about you and that lad.
210
00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:14,310
A mum knows. I'll probably
never meet him again anyway.
211
00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:16,630
And if I do,
well, then that's destiny
212
00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:19,710
and I'm definitely allowed
to do horrible things to him.
213
00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:21,870
THEY GIGGLE
Litchfield's not such a big place.
214
00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:24,150
I'm sure you'll run into him
some time.
215
00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:25,520
Mum!
216
00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:34,200
Maybe it IS destiny.
217
00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:46,110
Ken? Hey, love!
218
00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:47,990
You're back early. How did it go?
219
00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:50,230
I bet he chickened out of it,
right, Dad?
220
00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:53,670
Lorna, why does Dylan know
about this? Oh, it just came out.
221
00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:56,510
So, did you go through with it
or were you a chicken?
222
00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:59,830
Yes, I went through with it.
Why wouldn't I go through with it?
223
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:03,110
Ha! So now you're a eunuch!
Oh, how embarrassing.
224
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:04,840
My brave soldier.
225
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,600
What is that?
226
00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:11,470
I drove over him in the driveway.
227
00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:13,990
Well, why didn't you take him
to hospital?
228
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:16,830
Oh, relax, Ken.
He's still breathing.
229
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,550
It's probably just concussion.
230
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:21,150
You knocked him unconscious!
He could sue us!
231
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:24,750
He's not going to sue us.
Look at his lovely face.
232
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:28,350
I think he's here
because he likes Rachel.
233
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:31,430
Hey, do you think we should Biro
the word "twat" on his forehead?
234
00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:33,200
Yeah, really helpful, Dylan(!)
235
00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:36,550
Rachel is going out with Ben.
236
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:38,430
For the moment.
237
00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:40,600
CAR HORN TOOTS
238
00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:48,790
Ben! Is it seven already?
239
00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:50,190
On the dot.
240
00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:52,070
For you. Oh!
241
00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:54,470
Oh, and, er, here's chocolates. Oh!
242
00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:56,830
Guylian. French, I believe.
243
00:13:56,880 --> 00:14:00,190
I think they're Belgian. Are they?
Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed.
244
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:03,270
I'll get rid of them.
No, Belgian's good!
245
00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:06,870
Rach, it's been two years
since Cuckoo went.
246
00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:09,910
Maybe sometimes
you just have to live for today.
247
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:13,590
Well, not actually today. The flats
won't be built until next April,
248
00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:17,390
but, you know, live for the s-soon.
249
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:23,310
Ben, I...I dunno. Darling,
the maths works out really well.
250
00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:25,430
Cohabit with me. Eh?
251
00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:27,710
Co-habite with me.
252
00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:29,630
SHE LAUGHS
253
00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:34,150
HE BABY-TALKS: Never been a better
time to invest in PWOPERTY.
254
00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:36,230
Oh, I-I'll think about it.
255
00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:38,550
Yeah? Mm. Rachel!
256
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:40,350
He's waking up!
257
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:41,920
OK, I'll call you.
258
00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:46,190
DOOR SLAMS
You left your...
259
00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:48,950
Oh, shit the bed!
260
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:50,590
Course they're Belgian!
261
00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:53,440
FRONT DOOR CLOSES
Rachel, quick. Quick.
262
00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:00,150
Where am I? Who are you?
263
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:02,790
I'm Lorna. I drove over you.
264
00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:05,150
Yeah, maybe not mention that.
I'm Rachel.
265
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:10,230
Hi. You were watching over me.
Like an angel.
266
00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:13,270
Well, you're...
you're fairly easy to watch.
267
00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:17,510
Why don't we two leave you two
to relax and get to know each other?
268
00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:20,270
I do not approve of this.
Shut up and get out of the room.
269
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:23,440
No, stop, sir.
I need to say something.
270
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:26,350
I came here today
looking for someone
271
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:28,470
I've been waiting
my whole life to meet.
272
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:30,520
Oh, go on.
273
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:32,720
It's not you.
274
00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:37,590
Hello. Sir...you are my father.
275
00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:39,430
No, I'm not.
276
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:42,470
Ken? No, it's you.
277
00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:46,910
21 years ago, when you were 13,
your family went on a vacation
278
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:49,470
to an ashram
deep in the Indian jungle.
279
00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:53,630
There you encountered
my 38-year-old mother.
280
00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:56,390
You were drawn to each other
like hot-blooded tigers
281
00:15:56,440 --> 00:15:59,680
and consummated your passion
in a tent next to the mountain.
282
00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:04,630
I am the fruit of that lovemaking.
283
00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:08,510
Behold, Father, it is I, your son.
284
00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:11,630
Ken, I did not know any of this.
285
00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:15,150
Lorna, 21 years ago,
you and I bought our first flat.
286
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:17,630
I think you might've noticed
if, in between decorating,
287
00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:21,670
I'd have dressed as a 13-year-old
boy who sneaked off to India!
288
00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:25,070
Well argued, Ken. Sorry, love,
you've got the wrong guy.
289
00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:27,270
No!
290
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,990
You're Cuckoo Thompson.
Formerly Dale Ashbrick, my father.
291
00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:34,190
You're...Cuckoo's son?
292
00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:36,030
Fuck me!
293
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:40,350
OK, so this one's Dad,
not you, Ken? Mm-hm. Wow!
294
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:43,670
He looks so wise. Oh, he was.
295
00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:45,470
Yeah(!)
296
00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:47,510
He was. He was really wise.
297
00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:50,670
Oh, Cuckoo would've loved
to have met you.
298
00:16:50,720 --> 00:16:51,990
Right, Rach?
299
00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:53,150
Yeah.
300
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:57,670
I leave the ashram, travel halfway
across the world to find my father
301
00:16:57,720 --> 00:16:59,320
and it turns out he's dead.
302
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:03,270
Oh, well, as Vashradi says,
303
00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:05,630
"Gotta keep smiling."
HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLE
304
00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:07,670
And how are you living?
305
00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:10,270
Have you got somewhere to stay?
I sure do.
306
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:12,110
I met this really sweet
little community
307
00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:14,190
who sleep on benches
behind the station.
308
00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:16,390
You've been living with tramps?
Nice people.
309
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:19,190
And, boy, can they drink?!
HE GIGGLES
310
00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:21,830
Well, love, until you need
to head back to your ashram,
311
00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:25,110
you're staying here.
OK, but I leave tomorrow midnight.
312
00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:28,430
Nonsense!
You can stay as long as you like.
313
00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:30,550
Lorna, can I have a word, please?
314
00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:31,640
Yeah.
315
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:36,950
Why have you offered a stranger
free run of our home? He's family!
316
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:39,190
He's the absent son by another
mother of the dead husband
317
00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:41,910
of my daughter. I don't even think
there's a word for that relation.
318
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,950
Step-grandson.
HE SIGHS
319
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:46,710
Anyway, he's cute.
320
00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:48,270
Oh, Lorna!
321
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:50,840
Ken...big day, isn't it?
322
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:55,590
Cuckoo's son turning up
out the blue. Your vasectomy.
323
00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:58,510
Yeah, listen,
about the vasectomy, I... See ya.
324
00:17:58,560 --> 00:17:59,870
Dylan, you're not going out.
325
00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:02,830
We're all having dinner together
to celebrate Dale's arrival.
326
00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,910
Er, no, I'm meeting Zoe,
my girlfriend. No, you're staying.
327
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:08,270
Mum, I have a relationship
to maintain.
328
00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:10,510
God, when will you stop being
so self-absorbed?
329
00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:12,670
Dylan! And how do you even know
he's Cuckoo's son?
330
00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:14,790
An American accent
and a shit-eating grin
331
00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:17,110
and you're like,
"Yeah, come in, stay, have dinner."
332
00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:18,590
I'm sorry if it sounds a bit harsh,
333
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:21,040
but I hope he kills you both
in your beds.
334
00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:24,840
Yeah, that WAS harsh.
335
00:18:26,360 --> 00:18:29,590
Lorna, this is delicious.
Thank you so much. Thank you, Dale.
336
00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:33,750
So, your mother's serving
a life sentence for drug smuggling?
337
00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:35,710
I haven't heard from her
in two decades.
338
00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:37,790
Kind of a bummer
but, like the prophet says,
339
00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:40,590
I probably brought it
on myself in a previous life.
340
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:42,990
Is that what they teach you
on the ashram, Dale?
341
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:45,110
Oh, Ken,
it is such a wonderful place.
342
00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:48,510
So ordered, peaceful
and there's no crime,
343
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:52,280
because any sort of wrongdoing is
punished without a shred of mercy.
344
00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:56,030
Oh, this is weird.
345
00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:59,710
If you were my dad's wife, then,
in a way, you're kind of my mom.
346
00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:02,390
SHE COUGHS
In a way.
347
00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:04,110
And, Lorna, you're my grandmother.
348
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:08,350
Mm. Yeah. Never ever call me that.
KEN SNIGGERS
349
00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:11,390
You can call me Uncle Dylan.
In fact, you have to.
350
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:13,910
Dylan! Mum, I'm welcoming our guest.
351
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:16,430
So fuck off!
BOTH: Dylan!
352
00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:19,350
Oh, no! I just realised -
we forgot to say grace.
353
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:22,070
Don't sweat it, Dale,
we're atheists, so... Ken!
354
00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:24,270
He's just found out
his father's gone.
355
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:27,480
If he wants to say grace, let him.
Go on, then.
356
00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:33,030
Good evening.
Chief Ken has granted me permission
357
00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:34,870
to lead community absolution.
358
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:36,870
Dad, what is he doing?
I don't know,
359
00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:40,040
but Chief Ken has got
a lovely ring about it. Carry on.
360
00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:46,190
Peace on Vashradi
for these are my sins.
361
00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:48,710
I've judged my brother man,
362
00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:50,670
I have eaten at an oaken table,
363
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:54,030
I have swallowed saliva,
sap of my tongue.
364
00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:55,880
I watch cartoons on TV.
365
00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:59,400
I've glanced at the chest of a lady.
366
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:03,680
And for that, may Vashradi forgive.
367
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:09,790
Forgive. Forgive. Forgive.
Forgive. Forgive. Forgive.
368
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:11,800
FORGIVE!
369
00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:17,350
Yeah, I take it back.
He's definitely Cuckoo's son.
370
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:18,800
All right, thank you.
371
00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:23,630
Trust me, it's a cult.
372
00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:27,070
Yes, typical. Anything to do
with yoga or spirituality
373
00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:29,430
and you're dead against it.
It sounds nice!
374
00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:30,990
An ashram in the mountains.
375
00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:35,710
Look - "Vashradi Ashram invites
single and divorced truth seekers
376
00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:39,190
"to discover a unique and sensual
discipline for mind and body."
377
00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:40,710
Sounds all right so far.
378
00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:42,750
"Grand yoga master,
Michael Vashradi,
379
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:46,630
"will transform your beliefs
and your lifestyle 100%.
380
00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:50,030
"Free yourself from family,
friends and worldly goods.
381
00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:51,670
"No men allowed."
382
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:54,480
Yes, granted, this does sound culty.
Thank you.
383
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:01,710
Hey.
384
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:04,310
Gotta look my best,
big day tomorrow.
385
00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:06,350
Sorry, I need to, er...
386
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:08,350
Oh, yeah, go for it.
387
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:11,670
Oh, Dale, we...we don't tend to use
the bathroom together here.
388
00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:16,270
Oh, OK, I'm, sorry, that's...
er, different rules here.
389
00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:18,670
On the ashram,
we always have to go in pairs
390
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:21,590
in case anyone tries to escape.
HE GIGGLES
391
00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:23,830
All right, well,
I'll catch you later.
392
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:25,160
Oh.
393
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:28,710
Oh... Whoa, er, I'm so sorry, Mom.
394
00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:31,070
Please, please don't call me that.
395
00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:32,160
OK.
396
00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:38,880
Bye, Mom.
397
00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:43,190
SHE MOUTHS: Oh, my God.
398
00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:44,280
Well...
399
00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:48,470
DALE LAUGHS
Wow.
400
00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:51,720
So this is the vehicle
from my picture? Yeah, that's it.
401
00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:54,950
"Potatoes of the revolution"?
402
00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:57,990
Can you explain that to me?
It doesn't make much sense.
403
00:21:58,040 --> 00:21:59,390
Another time.
404
00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:03,430
Dale, you know this guy who runs
your ashram, is it Vashradi?
405
00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:05,550
Vashwardi?
HE GIGGLES
406
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:07,950
Vashradi. Yeah, come on, Ken,
you've heard of him.
407
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,270
Why would I have heard of him?
Er, no reason.
408
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,150
Maybe cos he's the son of God?
409
00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:14,720
HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLING
Yeah.
410
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:17,240
Thing is...
411
00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:21,920
Lorna and I think that this ashram
of yours, it might be a cult.
412
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:26,550
What? No Chief Ken, wrong.
Way off. I mean, in fact,
413
00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:29,070
the first line of our creed is
"We are not a cult."
414
00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:32,430
We say it every single morning
and then we eat together,
415
00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:35,310
Vashradi picks his wife for the day
and...and I get to work.
416
00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:37,270
See, that does sound
like a weird place.
417
00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:41,430
As long as you're good and Vashradi
is smiling, it's a wonderful place.
418
00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:43,950
If you're bad, yeah,
you get tied to the post,
419
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:45,390
but for, like, a couple days max.
420
00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:47,590
You know, I don't think
you should go back there.
421
00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:50,430
No, I'm not going back there.
I leave tonight, midnight,
422
00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:53,390
the galawinga are coming
to collect me. The what?!
423
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:55,110
The galawinga?!
424
00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:56,390
Remind me.
425
00:22:56,440 --> 00:22:58,590
HE GIGGLES
All right.
426
00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:01,910
The galawinga are super-intelligent
extra-terrestrials
427
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:04,150
responsible for human evolution.
428
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:06,910
They also left us
the pyramids and ice cream.
429
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:08,590
Well, tonight, they're coming
430
00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:11,470
to take Vashradi's
elected disciples up to space,
431
00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:15,190
and the rest of you get zapped
by the special kickass alien lasers.
432
00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:18,270
I'm sorry, you...you think that
tonight we're all going to die?
433
00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:21,150
It's really unfortunate.
You're...you're such nice people.
434
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:22,350
Dale, listen to me.
435
00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:25,080
All of this alien stuff,
you know it's not true.
436
00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:29,590
OK, Chief Ken.
437
00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:31,920
Whatever you want to believe,
go for it.
438
00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:35,510
It won't be long
till we find out which one of us
439
00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:38,440
is making a huge dumb-ass mistake.
HE SLAPS KEN'S BACK
440
00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:44,800
KEN SIGHS
441
00:23:51,080 --> 00:23:53,550
Well, 20 minutes before 12,
442
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:56,110
I'd just like to say
a quick farewell to each of you.
443
00:23:56,160 --> 00:24:00,950
Chief Ken...
you are an inspiring noble person.
444
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:04,720
I can't make any promises,
but this should buy you more time.
445
00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:09,830
Lorna, you cared for me
when I was ill.
446
00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:11,800
A special bond exists between us.
447
00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:16,670
Dylan, you are an insubordinate
young man
448
00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:19,270
and you should treat your father
with more respect.
449
00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:21,470
SLAP!
Ow. What? Steady on.
450
00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:22,870
Listen to him.
451
00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:24,400
And finally...
452
00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:27,800
Rachel...
453
00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:32,950
I never knew my mom, but in
my dreams, she looks like you.
454
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:34,870
Beautiful and kind.
455
00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:39,190
Soon your body will be butchered
by extra-terrestrial lasers,
456
00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:42,720
but our souls shall remain together
through Cuckoo.
457
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,480
All right, catch you later.
458
00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:19,480
LORNA SIGHS
Well, Ken, I did not expect that.
459
00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:24,320
Yeah. Come on.
460
00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:40,200
OK, guys, let's do this.
461
00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:46,390
? Here comes the galawinga
Galawinga, coming for me
462
00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:50,360
? Here comes the galawinga
Galawinga, where are you? ?
463
00:25:52,360 --> 00:25:55,320
If this is a joke,
it isn't funny any more!
464
00:25:57,720 --> 00:26:00,480
Do you want breakfast?
I've made bacon and eggs.
465
00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:13,470
OK, I cannot believe this.
466
00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:17,950
Rach, how are you, er, feeling
about Dale?
467
00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:20,190
What? Why are you asking me?
468
00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:22,790
I mean, why would I feel
any strong emotion about Dale?
469
00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:24,950
You are basing that
on absolutely nothing.
470
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:29,030
Er, it's just your dad and I were
thinking of asking him to stay.
471
00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:30,470
What? For good?
472
00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:33,230
At least till he's accustomed
to the real world.
473
00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:34,400
No!
474
00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:38,190
It's too hard for me.
475
00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:40,110
Sorry!
476
00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:42,590
You know, Cuckoo's son,
by another woman.
477
00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:45,310
You didn't even know Cuckoo
when he was 13, Rach.
478
00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:47,710
DALE ON TELEPHONE:
OK, thanks for letting me know.
479
00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:49,710
OK, how long would he stay for?
480
00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:54,550
Actually, no, it's a bad idea, he's
21, he's not our responsibility.
481
00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:58,750
All right. Vashradi got arrested,
the ashram's been disbanded.
482
00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:01,270
They're saying it WAS a cult.
483
00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:04,870
I'm guessing maybe that's why
the aliens never showed last night!
484
00:27:04,920 --> 00:27:06,470
No shit(!)
485
00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:09,510
The basis for my entire existence
has been shattered.
486
00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:12,960
Everything I ever believed in
turns out to be a lie.
487
00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:17,590
Oh, well, gotta keep smiling.
488
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:19,870
Right, Ma? Mmm.
HE GIGGLES
489
00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:22,840
Yeah! Don't call me that.
490
00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:29,510
So where are you going to go?
491
00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:31,870
Guess I'll walk the world, like Dad.
492
00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:34,310
Maybe, one day, I'll find
an incredibly special person
493
00:27:34,360 --> 00:27:35,720
like he did when he found you.
494
00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:39,840
OK. Bye-bye.
495
00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:46,110
BUS HORN TOOTS
Quite touching that, wasn't it?
496
00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:49,070
It's really very sweet.
It made me want to puke!
497
00:27:49,120 --> 00:27:51,550
It's probably best
he gets out there in the world...
498
00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:53,670
CAR HORN BLARES
..finds his own way.
499
00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:55,960
Yeah. He'll be fine.
500
00:27:58,240 --> 00:27:59,960
HORN BLARES
501
00:28:02,160 --> 00:28:03,560
HORN BLARES
502
00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:08,320
HORN BLARES
503
00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:16,440
Oh, all right, let's go get him.
504
00:28:23,080 --> 00:28:25,400
Chief Ken.
Get in the car, you weirdo!
505
00:28:43,800 --> 00:28:46,390
It's weird, isn't it?
Just as you've got the snip,
506
00:28:46,440 --> 00:28:50,950
put fatherhood behind you,
you sort of become a father again.
507
00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:54,310
Actually, Lorna, I've been meaning
to talk to you about that.
508
00:28:54,360 --> 00:28:57,310
And I have been meaning
to give you your reward.
509
00:28:57,360 --> 00:28:58,990
This is a one-off, OK?
510
00:28:59,040 --> 00:29:01,910
Absolutely never to be repeated.
511
00:29:01,960 --> 00:29:04,160
I should probably
tell you this first.
512
00:29:05,360 --> 00:29:08,030
Let's make love immediately.
What was it you wanted to say?
513
00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:09,630
Nothing to say, nothing to admit!
514
00:29:09,680 --> 00:29:11,600
Let's do this, I'm good to go here!
515
00:29:11,650 --> 00:29:16,200
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