All language subtitles for Cuckoo s01e02 Family Meeting.eng

Don't...! No... Get out!

No! Get out of my house...!

You!

Oh...

Oh...

It's wonderful to
feel your energy in the room, Ken.

I'm just getting a glass of water.

I'm meditating...

I'm so fucking stoned.

I'll probably leave you to it.

In fact...

do you mind sitting on this?

You know,
we prepare food on this surface.

Oh, sure, yeah.

If you could just... Yeah,
you wanna just scooch it under?

Let me just... Yeah.

A bit higher maybe. Yep...

Oh, you're right in there.
Oh.

That's nice.

Thank you, Ken, I'll see
you in the morning.

Night, Dad.

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I always imagined Rachel would marry
someone educated,

someone with ambition,
with respected opinions,

and most importantly...

and I think this is key here -
never ever see his wang or nuts.

Cuckoo has his qualities, Ken.

You know, we were talking
about politics the other day,

he's dead against war and famine.

Ken, I felt like that for years.

Come on, love, it's Rachel's
party on Saturday

I don't want you ruining it
with your mopey face.

What mopey face?

You mean the one where
I pout like this?

Oh, Ken.

You forgot your water.

And Jen and Hannah, that's 28.

Mum, you do promise that you haven't
blabbed to anyone about Cuckoo?

I promise. It is gonna be a
complete and total surprise.

I can't wait to see people's faces.

I go away for my gap year
and I come back married.

Are Connie
and Steve bringing Zoe to the party?

Ah, dude, have you still not made
a move on Zoe Chance?

Mum, you know the only reason
he started lifeguarding

was so he could perve on Zoe
in her swimming costume.

Dylan.
I am a lifeguard, I'm guarding her.

If I don't stare at her
she might drown.

Dylan, where's my camera?

Where did you last put it?

In your hands.

I gave it you back.

I don't remember that.

Because you're senile.

Right, listen, everyone,

I thought tonight we might have
a family meeting. Oh...

We don't have to do this,
the camera's in my room.

It's not about the camera or Dylan.

Is this about Cuckoo?

No...

Well, in a way.

It's just a meeting
because well, you know,

the family has a new member,
which I'm delighted about,

and we need to introduce him
to how we do things.

That's all. No agenda.

I hope not, Dad, cos Cuckoo and I
don't have to live here.

Don't you?

No, we could live on the street
and be just as happy.

We only stay here so you
and Mum don't worry.

We would worry, Ken.

If Dad starts complaining
just be strong,

don't let him
exploit your sweet nature, OK?

Yeah.

Well, Ken can be a little
old-fashioned, bless him,

but without him I wouldn't have you,

or a new home, or this,
my new calling.

My whole life I've been searching
for a way to change the world,

Rach, it's potatoes.

I mean, people will come to me
for sustenance

and while they wait I'll spread
my message of joy, togetherness

and war against the state.

How did I ever get you?

If a fast food van can save
the world,

and I think it can,
then this is the van to do it.

And it will do it.

So, Cuckoo, family meetings are
opportunity to bring up any problems

we may have with each other.

It's basically a glorified
way for Dad to boss us around.

That's not fair, Rachel.
This is a two-way process.

Anyone can say
anything about anyone, yeah?

It's not targeted at any
individual in particular, OK?

Sounds great.

Fuck, yeah, family meeting!

So, any tensions? Any problems?
Rachel? Dylan?

No-one?

OK, Cuckoo, Lorna
and I were a little put out

that you entered our bedroom
in your birthday suit last night,

weren't we, Lorna?
It was weird, yes. Sorry, Cuckoo.

Basically, overall, we prefer you
weren't naked in the house.

OK. What about
when I'm in the shower?

Then obviously.

And what about
when I'm making love to Rachel?

Also fine.

And what about when I'm making love
to Rachel in the shower?

That's adventurous.

Also... Also fine.
OK, yeah.

Can you just give me
one second to process this, Ken?

OK, fine.

If it'll make you happy,

I would be honoured to put
clothing on my body in your home.

OK. Good, OK.
That's everything, thank you.

Oh, Ken, I actually have a
request of my own.

Oh. OK, go ahead.

I've been here a week now
and I've discovered that

the best place for me
to meditate is in your study.

It's so peaceful. You're welcome
to use it, with your clothes on.

Yes, of course.

The thing is, my meditation requires
a positive feng shui,

so I would like it if you Ken could
remove all of your Nazi memorabilia.

What?
You mean my books on World War II?

The hoards of books
about the Nazis, yes.

I mean, I don't mean to judge.

I like history. That's why I've
got books on the Nazis, OK?

No, yeah, I know, but I mean, how
much is there to know really, Ken?

I mean they came to power,
they invaded Italy,

they died of influenza.
What?

The point is, and you don't have
to agree with this,

I think the Nazis were bad people.

Yes, I agree.

And if I'm gonna be meditating
in a room full of Nazi energy,

who's to say that I'm not gonna
become a Nazi?

Dad, if Cuckoo isn't gonna be
naked in the house,

I really think you should
put your books in the garage. What?

Seems fair.

No. No? Yeah.

Ken, it's just a couple of books.

They are my books,
Lorna, and it is my study. No.

Well, what happened to this
two-way process?

Look, family meetings are to make
the rules up for you not for me.

It's my house.
Our house, Ken.

It's our house.

OK, well, here's an idea,
why don't we vote?

Brilliant, let's do that, Ken.
Anything to get this over with.

No. No vote.

I suggest we all do what Dad says.

Fine by me.

OK, let's do that, Rach.
No. No. No, Dad.

You're not getting away with this.

You're always going on about how the
strong shouldn't impose on the weak,

and here you are in your own house
lording it over everyone.

You're like a dictator.
In fact you're like Hitler.

The biggest Nazi of them all.
Yeah.

You are a bit like Hitler, Dad,
you actually look like him.

It's the eyebrows.

All right, stop, stop!
All right, we will take a vote.

Tomorrow night. Happy?
Yep.

I do not have eyebrows like Hitler.

Well, I don't know why there has
to be such a fuss.

Why can't you just
move your Nazi books?

It's not about the books, Lorna.

If we start letting them
tell us what to do

we lose control
in our own household.

Those Nazi books are a symbol

of all that's decent and positive
in our lives.

You mean who rules the roost,

who's got the biggest swinging dick,
you or Cuckoo?

Well, I've seen them both and...

What were you going to say?

You know what,
I've completely forgotten.

Lorna, what were you going to say?

I was going to say that yours
is by far the biggest,

and I only hesitated because
I didn't want you to get complacent.

OK. That makes sense.

I got your text, what d'you want?

Who said anything about wanting
anything?

Come in, it's good to see you.

Let's cut to the chase, the vote.

Rachel will be with Cuckoo,
Mum will be with you,

so I'm the deciding vote.

Yes, but you know, Dylan,

you've really grown up in the last
couple of years and I know...

Here's the deal -
I give you my vote

and you make Zoe come to Rachel's
party on Saturday.

Colin and Steve's Zoe?

You and her parents are friends.

She's doing work experience with
you. You have influence.

Why? So I can make my move.

I thought you did lifeguarding
so you could make your move.

Yeah, it can be hard to start
a conversation, she swims very fast.

Yeah, Dylan, I'm not inviting a
16-year-old girl to a party for you.

Well, then, Dad, I'm not
voting for you. Dylan!

That's the deal, buddy.
Take it or leave it.

Can you give me a lift home?

Sure.

Connie mentioned Rachel's
back in town.

Hence the party tomorrow.

How's Zeb?

Fine, yeah,
enjoying university in Cambridge.

What? What is it, Ken?

Oh, no, it's just from what you said
people might get the idea

that Zeb is at Cambridge University.

But I didn't say that did I, Ken?

I said he's at university
in Cambridge.

I'm not gonna change
my natural form of expression

to suit twits and morons, am I?

Ken, what are you doing here?

Just hanging out
with my old mate Steve.

Listen I've got to pop off,

but I'll see all three of you
at the party tomorrow, right?

Three of us?

Yes, you, Steve and Zoe. The team.

So lovely to see a family together.

Thanks, but Zoe's got another party.

Well, why don't you drive her to
the other party later?

That really wouldn't be very
convenient for us, Ken.

Does it matter?

Thing is, I need to speak to
Zoe about her work experience.

She's still coming
in the holidays?

Yes, I just need to give her
the lowdown...

the do's, the don'ts, safety policy.

Health and safety will be
the death of us.

Spot on, Steve, such a drag,

but it does need to be
done at the party tomorrow.

Yes, but Zoe's work experience
doesn't start till July.

Can't it wait?
Not really.

Intern, couple of years ago,

she came in, ignored a regulation
on the first day...

and died.

She died?

We were all very sad,

but it does highlight the importance
of banging it in early.

Well, OK, if you have to speak to
Zoe, you can do it now.

What? Oh, it's fine,
she's just upstairs. Zoe!

Connie, no, no.

Why ever not?

I'm hungry, Connie,
my stomach is rumbling.

Well, I'm sure
I can whip you up something.

No.

Well, it wouldn't be a problem.

And you can talk to Zoe.

I don't like your food.

OK...

Well, then
I suppose we'll bring her.

That's fantastic news,
looking forward to it already.

What a great girl.

Right, the big vote.

So who votes I get to
keep my books in my study?

I do.

Ah, looks like that's carried.
Thanks then, everyone.

Well, congratulations, Ken,
you won and I lost.

But democracy won, so, in a way,
we both won.

But you lost.

No, we both won.

Yeah, but you lost.

Come on, we both won.

You lost.

OK, we both won, bring it in.

You lost.

We both won. No.

Hiya, Dad.

Hi.

Listen, I know we disagree on pretty
much everything

that's important in the world...

Sure. But you're so meaningful,
how you let us have that vote.

Letting us
decide as a family in a fair way,

just showed you respected me,
you know.

No problem.

I love you, Dad.

I love you too.

I just miss the way we were
a little bit.

I'm sure I'll get used to it
but I just...

I could stay here all day.
Mm.

Mum, you promise you haven't told
any of the guests about Cuckoo?

I haven't, Rach, I have kept every
secret you have ever trusted to me.

What about when you had that secret
kiss with your French exchange?

Dad, did you know about my kiss with
the French exchange?

Oui, Clement, Bastille night 2007.

Well, obviously
I had to tell your dad.

I found out from Connie.

Desperation Pour Homme?

Dylan, go back and shower again.
You smell like Ricky Martin.

Connie, hello. Hello.

Hello, Steve. Lorna.

Oh, hello, Zoe.

Ah, isn't this lovely?
So, Lorna, where's Rach?

She'll be out in a bit. Yes.

She's got a bit
of an announcement to make.

Oh, right. Not pregnant?

No! But close.

Oh, got married then?

Oooh!

What?

So did you do anything this
summer?

Yeah, I went camping with my dad.

Oh, yeah? Whereabouts?

Zoe, fancy seeing you here.

Oh, Dylan, your dad made me come.

Really? That guy is so odd.

Dylan, that's a gay name.

What are you, like, ten?

12.
Right.

So, yeah, Zoe, I was just thinking
that this is a terrible party.

Maybe you'd wanna go somewhere more
quiet so we could hang out?

OK.

Can I come? No.
Well, why can't Charlie come?

Are you hoping to get me
on my own or something?

What? No! No, obviously not.
Charlie can come.

Come on, mate.

Come on.

Hi, Kelly! Oh, it's lovely
to see you.

Hiya, Lorna. What's with
the potato van out front?

My lips are sealed, it's all
part of Rachel's big secret.

All I can say is it's very exciting
and life-changing and romantic.

She got married?
To the guy with the potato van?

Oh, shit.

OK.

I've told a few of you
that I've got really big news.

Congratulations on your marriage,
Rachel!

OK, yeah, I got married
to the most inspirational person

I have ever met.

His name is Cuckoo.

Uh... Well, I guess, hi.

Hi.

Hello. OK, silence!

Close your eyes.

Go on, close 'em.

Close your eyes,
close your eyes. Yes, yes.

This'll be fun, trust me.

Cue-Ball, close your eyes,
don't waste my time.

Good.

I wanna talk about the word love.
It's hard to define, isn't it?

It's not something we can touch or
eat or smell, but it exists.

Scientists would have us believe

that love is just a bunch
of chemicals rushing to our brains.

But if it were chemicals,

why wouldn't these so-called
scientists just make some love?

They could bottle it,
hand it out at parties.

It would actually be really
awesome.

But the truth is, we don't need
scientists to tell us what love is.

I am love, and Rachel is love.

And the love that is me
loves the love that is her,

and together we bring forth
our love before all of you,

who are also made of love.

And our loves cross and inter-cross
and motocross

and build into this
big old love Shreddie and...

Oh, my fucking God, it's beautiful.

Feel the love, be the love,
never, ever let go of the love.

Which you can't anyways
because you are it.

Thank you.

Also,
we're bringing the lamb out in a bit

so if you can please
re-use your knives and forks.

I've been watching you swimming this
term. You're really fast.

Oh, thanks, and you've been doing
good lifeguarding.

Hey, do you want a massage?

Just I've been reading up on it.

By coincidence, and
I could really use some practice.

No, I'm OK.

Massage?

Great!

Zoe...?

It's time.

Bit more on my lower back.

That's lovely.

Oh, my God, look at you,
look at YOU!

You're so thin and tanned,
not like you used to be.

A right porker, weren't you?

Wow, thought I was meant to be
the pretty one.

You still are.

I'm not.

You fit bitch.

Can't believe you got married.

Weird coincidence,
because actually Toby and I

have been thinking
about getting engaged.

I haven't.

Yeah, well we talk about kids' names
and stuff all the time.

You do, when you're drunk.
I hate it.

Anyway, very much on the cards.

Regulation 13: when lifting heavy
boxes always lift from the knee

and never from the lower back.

Regulation 14...

You've got a lot of Nazi books.

Books about Nazis.
I'm interested in history.

But this is really a lot.

I'm not a Nazi.

Regulation 14: never enter
the maintenance room

without supervision
from the caretaker.

There we go, all done.

Is that it?

Yep, ordeal over,
swill your mouth out on the way out.

Like at the dentist.

Do you fancy me or something?

What? Because I'm looking for
an explanation

on why you made me miss my party
for this crappy talk.

Was it really so crappy?

And the obvious one is you wanted to
get me alone in your study.

What?

Zoe, that is a scandalous accusation

and one that I really hope you
keep to yourself.

So what, you're just being weird?

Well, if wanting to prepare
a friend's child

for a potentially life-defining
internship is weird,

then yes, I'm weird.

You could say that I'm weird.
I'm weird.

You're weird.
Yes, weird. Not a perv,

just harmlessly strange.

Mmm. Yeah. Go now.

So yeah, I had it made in Vietnam
and it cost basically nothing

and they were the sweetest kids.

Ah, it's such amazing news!

Aw, Rach, I'm so happy...
and Cuckoo.

Weird, though, because I always
thought you'd marry Zeb, our Zeb.

I don't even know him.

No, me. Really?

Well, could still happen, though.

I mean, this is a bit
whirlwind, isn't it?

Could all fall through.

No, Connie, we're really happy.
Yeah. Well, you never know.

And when... if...
when it does happen...

Zeb.

Oh!

I like her.
Ohhh!

No?

Hiya, Zoe. Bored?

Yeah.

So why don't you get off with Dylan?

Might as well, not like there's
anything else to do.

Hmm.

D'you wanna... talk outside?

All right.

Dylan, Zoe, stop there.
We're gonna have a photo.

Photo everybody?

Come on! Come on!

Right, let's get you four.

Oh, no, Ken, come on,
you've gotta be in it.

And I'll take this, let me take
this. Oh, thank you, Steve.

Now, how d'you get the old flash on
this, on the...? Oh... Oh, no.

I've got all your old
photographs up here, Ken.

No naughty snaps of Lorna, I hope.

Yeah, you wish.

Ken, why have you got photographs

of our teenage daughter in her
swimming costume on your camera?

I haven't.
You do, Ken.

What the hell is this, Ken?

Oh, my God, you are a perv.

Ken?

Now look, Steve.

Shut up!

I'm gonna...

I'm gonna...

Chicken.

Oh, OK.

All right, everybody, listen.
I didn't take them, it wasn't me.

If you tell them, I'll
tell Rachel you bought my vote.

Thing is, I lent Dylan my camera.

Dylan has a little crush on Zoe.
I fucking don't.

Don't try
and fob it off on your son.

OK, all right, all right,
everybody just relax.

Now, Steve, look,
you have a very beautiful,

very alluring daughter,

and if Ken wants to take
a couple of pictures

of her sweet little tush, I mean...

Shut up, Cuckoo!

Shut up! I was wrong.
Give me the camera.

This is evidence. Give me the
camera, you stupid little man.

Get off me, get off me.

God's sake!

Honestly.
Look at these pictures.

Dylan, Dylan, Dylan's friends.
Dylan took these.

He did it
when he was lifeguarding.

Right, oh, honest mistake, Ken.
Sorry about the chicken drumstick.

Come on.

Wait, Zoe, wait.

I know you're probably thinking
about getting me back for that.

The thing is,
you've really matured

over the last couple of year's son,
and I know...

So this is what the garage
looks like.

Peace offering.

I forgive you, Ken.
For?

For bribing your son to corrupt the
process of democracy in our house.

Well, that is big of you.

I guess it is.

Ken, I've always considered
myself a teacher,

and of all my students you're the
naughty, special one, aren't you?

Lorna is the happy one,
Dylan is the dim-witted one,

and Rachel is the one
I have sex with.

A lot.

Come on, let's hug it out.

A big bite of juicy Ken steak.

Haaaaaaaa...!

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