Original subtitles

(registers dinging)

- [Lift Girl] Ground floor perfumery, stationery,

and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery

kitchenware and food, going up.

(upbeat music)

First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits,

shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes, going up.

(upbeat music)

Second floor carpets, travel goods and bedding,

material, soft furnishings, restaurant and teas.

Going down!

(upbeat music)

- If Mr. Rumbold doesn't come to this meeting soon

I'm going home.

- What's this meeting about anyway?

- All he said was it would be to our advantage.

But I have my doubts.

- But where's Mr. Humphries?

Has he gone home?

- He's still getting changed.

- He's taking a long time to put on a hat and coat.

I bet he's nipped off down the back stairs.

(audience laughs)

- Have you ever known me to nip off and miss a meeting?

- I think it would be a little bit more discreet

if you did that outside the building.

- Don't be ridiculous, the wind'd blow my wig off.

(audience laughs)

- You're not going home like that are you?

- No, I meeting me mother at the cinema.

(audience laughs)

- What, dressed like that?

- She's a part time usherette

at a cinema near here, you see,

and she can't make every night,

so I stand in for her every now and again.

Can't tell the difference in the dark.

(audience laughs)

- What do you have to do?

- Well I wave me big torch about

and show them to their seats.

Then I sit on the back row

and I flash it every now and again.

(audience laughs)

Stop 'em tripping up when they go home.

- Remarkable explanation indeed.

- If you don't believe me why don't you come

and have a look at Something from Out of Space at 7:30?

- I'm already looking at it.

(audience laughs)

(gasps)

- I forgot to tell Tiddles I was going to be late.

She'll be ever so upset.

I better go and phone her.

- You don't mean to tell me you can communicate

with that cat of yours?

- Well, why not?

They do it with monkeys.

They show 'em things like pictures of vegetables

and numbers and the monkeys point at 'em

and make up a sentence.

- How do you know that?

- I watch nature programs on the telly.

I've learned quite a lot.

- Oh?

And when do you take your exam to go in the zoo?

(audience laughs)

- Look, will you all mind being quiet?

I must concentrate, 'cause I haven't got me glasses on.

- Do you seriously believe that that cat of yours

can understand what you say?

- Well yes.

You see, I've trained her to knock the receiver

off the cradle and put her head near it

after it's rung about five times.

She's answered.

Hello, pet.

It's your mistress speaking.

Now listen, I'm going to be later than I thought,

so why don't you go and lie down on that nice,

big, comfy bed and wait for me?

And when I come I'll tickle your tummy all over.

Oh, I'm so sorry Mr. Ahkbar.

(audience laughs)

I must've misdialed.

It's your neighbor, Mrs. Slocombe.

What do you mean you leave your key under the mat?

(audience laughs)

Look, I'm trying to get my pussy on the phone.

(audience laughs)

Mr. Ahkbar, I don't wish to discuss that with you.

Look, all I want to do is redial,

so will you please hang up?

(phone dings)

- Come along, Mrs. Slocombe, I'm ready for the meeting,

and we haven't much time.

- Yes, but I've dialed again.

I'll just make it brief.

It's ringing.

Three, four, five,

six,

seven.

Oh drat, she's not answering.

- Mrs. Slocombe, leave the phone off the hook

and come here.

I don't want to be interrupted by any calls.

- Oh very well.

She must've gone to be a good girl in the garden.

(audience laughs)

- If we'd known you were going to be so long, Mr. Rumbold,

we could've popped out for a sandwich.

- Not dressed like that, I trust?

- I'm meeting my mother at the cinema.

- I don't even want to know.

Now I asked Miss Belfridge to go an get some food

and charge it to the department.

Ah, here she comes now.

Bring it over here, Miss Belfridge.

- I'm sorry I was so long,

but I didn't know what everyone wanted.

- I think the pub knows by now

that six stale ham sandwiches is the usual order.

- I don't like going in that pub,

the men in their all pinch my bottom.

(audience laughs)

- That's disgraceful.

Is that in the public bar or in the saloon?

- The saloon.

- I shall make a note of that.

- So will I.

(audience laughs)

- This smells like smoked salmon.

- It is smoked salmon.

- I got them at the hotel on the corner.

- The hotel?

- And there's seven Irish coffees.

- But the firm's paying for this.

- I know, they're sending the bill to you.

Here's a copy of it.

- 20 pounds?

Mr. Grace won't sanction that.

- Quick, eat it all before he sends 'em back.

(audience laughs)

- That's the last time I send you out, Miss Belfridge.

- Well, in that case we better make the most of it.

Have you got any lemon there?

(groans)

(audience laughs)

This is the most civilized meeting we've ever had.

- It cost more than the last half dozen.

- Shall I go home?

- No, no, just sit down and take notes.

Pencil and pad ready?

- Yes, sir.

- Now, the first one's to Accounts.

Due to a clerical error I find we are 20 pounds adrift

in this month's takings.

Investigation is underway, and I will advise accordingly.

Copy to Mr. Grace, et cetera, signed C. Rumbold.

- One learns something every day.

- What happens when it's not put back?

- I think that the fruits of this discussion

will provide more than enough money to make 20 pounds

seem a very unsubstantial sum.

- How so?

- Could you take that wig off?

I find it hard to concentrate.

- A lot of people have said that.

(audience laughs)

- Now, Mr. Grace has decided to allow us

to use this valuable floor space at night

for whatever money making program we would like.

In return for which, he will take 10% of the profits.

- What had you in mind?

- Well, that's why we're here,

to see what ideas we've got.

- Which means you don't have any.

(audience laughs)

- Well, actually, I thought a choral evening.

We can all sing old favorites,

like All Things Bright and Beautiful,

serve tea and cakes, charge an entrance fee of say, a pound.

I think it could be a very civilized evening.

- Not to mention a disaster.

(audience laughs)

- People want a change from sex and violence.

- How 'bout a roller disco?

- On no, no, that could damage the floor.

- Bowls.

- I beg your pardon, Mr. Spooner?

- Bowls, you know, with skittles.

Bowls, you can play bowls.

- No, no, no, we want something much less violent than that.

I mean, something we can all participate in

and something for which we can charge money.

- Without being arrested?

(audience laughs)

- What about a snack bar?

- Judging by these sandwiches

there's certainly money in food.

One needs to offer them that little bit extra.

- We could have music playing in the background,

give it atmosphere.

- Oh yes, we could charge more for that.

I could play a little background on the piano.

- Like a night club, with the sort of name

that suggests that it's upmarket and discreet.

- Exactly.

- The sort of name that apropos to good food

and attractive female staff.

That always brings the men.

- I've got it.

What about the Crumpet Club?

(audience laughs)

- Don't make a suggestion, Spooner,

unless you're sure it's a good one.

Let's stick to the food.

What sort of dishes could we have?

- Well, my mother makes a very good

steak and kidney pudding.

- In that case what about the Pudding Club.

(audience laughs)

- Ignore him.

- We mustn't mislead people by calling it a club, anyhow.

We don't know if we've actually got a drinks license.

It's just soft drinks, you know, tea, coffee, cocoa.

- Tea and cocoa, well, that sounds very sophisticated.

- Yes, but, how are we going to get them to come in

in the first place?

- We could advertise at the local cinema.

- Oh, we couldn't possibly afford that.

- It'll be very cheap.

The manager's a very good friend of mine,

being as how me mother's a part time usherette there

and I help out from time to time.

- Well, that would, of course,

make a great deal of difference.

- It's as good as done.

- Well, I'll put all my suggestions in front of Mr. Grace

first thing in the morning.

I'm sure he'll like 'em.

- I must just phone the manager,

tell him I'm going to be a bit late.

(audience laughs)

Mrs. Slocombe.

- Yes, what is it?

- I can hear heavy breathing.

- Oh no!

You know that last time I rang Tiddles?

I bet she answered the phone

and she's been hanging on all this time.

Now, there's a faithful animal for you.

Here, give it to me.

Oh my little pet, I'm ever so sorry

but I'll make it up to you as soon as I get home.

Why don't you open your little flap

and play with your ball?

(audience laughs)

Mr. Ahkbar, how dare you!

(audience laughs)

(registers dinging)

Do you know, I was talking to Mrs. Axelby last night

and she can't wait to get into the club?

- I thought this club was gonna be

for sophisticated people.

- Mrs. Axelby can be very sophisticated when she puts it on.

- I thought you said she was the one

that was banned from the pub for standing on her head

and singing On a Clear Day You Can See Forever.

(audience laughs)

Where you been?

Coffee's nearly over.

- I've been down to the Photography department.

Lend me your ballpoint.

- What for?

- Well this coffee melts the lead in me pencil.

(audience laughs)

- What was you doing in Photographics?

- Well, my friend, the cinema manager,

says we can have a free advert.

So it occurred to me, why don't we make our own?

- Because it costs money.

- Ah ha, well, I've just been down

to the Photography department

and I've borrowed a home movie camera.

I thought we could make our own film commercial, you see?

It gives people a better idea

of what's going on in the club.

I think I've got it all in me head.

We could start off with Captain Peacock playing the piano,

and then I could introduce everybody to the club,

which, by the way, we've still got to find a name for.

- I thought Club Rendezvous.

- Oh, I like that.

- Yes but, there's a Cafe Rendezvous on the North Circular

and, well, a lot of rough truck drivers go there.

- Is that the one just before the roundabout on the bend?

- That's the one.

And people might get the two confused.

- I doubt it.

We could show customers handing their coats

to the cloak room attendant.

You know, just to establish the atmosphere.

- You could be that.

- I'm not being a cloak room attendant.

I've seen some of them and they're all dead common.

No, I wouldn't be right for it.

(audience laughs)

- More coffee you lot before I scrub out the percolator?

- Perfect casting.

(audience laughs)

- How would you like a nice job in the evenings

in a rather smart, sophisticated restaurant

that we're going to open on the fourth floor?

- I heard a rumor about that.

So it's all on then?

- Oh yes, we're discussing the cinema commercial now.

- Well, I like the sound of that.

- Well, it's going to be rather upmarket, you know?

- Don't worry, I can put the old dog on when I want to.

Good evening, sir.

Madam.

May I take your order.

I think you'll find the food well up to Cordon Bleu

and above, have a nice nosh.

- Well, actually, we're thinking of you as the receptionist

that takes the coats.

- I wouldn't even consider such a menial position.

Remember I am the manageress here.

- When a receptionist takes a hat or a coat

the customer has to give a tip to get it back.

- The receptionist can just sit there

and take twice as much as anybody else on a good night.

- You never told me that when you offered me the job.

(audience laughs)

- But I'm your superior, I have first crack.

- Too late, I've accepted.

- We're only discussing it.

Nothing's been decided yet.

You'll just wait until you're booked.

- Yes, quite right.

(audience laughs)

- Where I come from in Peckham,

a verbal agreement is good enough.

And if you change your mind, remember,

I've got a boyfriend built like brick chicken house,

he'll change it for ya.

Savvy?

- I think we've got a receptionist.

(audience laughs)

- That's right.

- On second thought,

I don't think it's the sort of club

Mrs. Axelby would want to belong to.

(audience laughs)

(registers dinging)

(audience laughing)

- There you are.

Now, let's try it one more time.

- Good evening.

May I have your 'at and coat?

- No, no, no, no, not your 'at and coat.

Your hat and coat.

- What if they're wearing gloves?

- When then you ask 'em for their 'at and coat and...

(speech drowned out by laughter)

- Well, where do I put 'em when I got 'em?

- You obviously cannot handle dialog.

Look, just get changed and stand at the back somewhere.

Now, where's Mr. Harman and Seymour with that equipment?

(audience laughs)

- Just coming up on the goods lift.

- What are you dressed like that for?

- Well, you said that me and Seymour and the Lift Girls

could be customers.

I borrowed these out of stock.

- Well, get rid of those top hats

and change those jackets.

You're supposed to look normal.

- You don't look normal.

(audience laughs)

- I am Pierre from Paris and surprising though it may seem,

this is the way he dresses.

You're supposed to be ordinary businessmen.

- Right.

Oh, by the way, this is a camera,

it comes with sound in a separate box here,

press the switch and the microphone's on.

- Is this alright?

- Very much over the top.

(audience laughs)

But not quite as much over the top as Miss Belfridge.

- Well, I thought it would set the tone

for the sort of people we're hoping to attract.

- Well, sit down at the tables here.

We haven't got all the staff together yet.

Now, where's Miss Brahms and Mrs. Slocombe?

(audience laughs)

- Do you think these earrings are too big?

(audience laughs)

- I think everything's too big.

(audience laughs)

I thought you said you were going to wear something simple.

- Well, I was, but I tried everything

and this was the only thing that really fitted me.

(audience laughs)

(lively circus music)

(audience laughs)

- What's the point of having a real bottle

when we're not sure of the license?

- We're going to shoot the commercial twice.

You see, if we get the license,

we'll use the one with the bottle,

and if we don't get the license,

we'll use the one with the cocoa.

- Oh, well, we might as well have a drink of this.

(cork popping)

- We were going to use that pop sound for the film.

- Haven't you got special effects for that?

- We're not 20th Century Fox, you know?

(audience laughs)

- This stuff goes straight to my head.

- There's plenty of room for it.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Humphries I've brought a selection with me.

I thought something like this might be suitable.

♫ Night and day you are the one

♫ Only you 'neath the moon or under the sun

- No, those are the wrong chords for that.

- They are the chords I always play.

- I quite liked it.

- So did I.

- No, no, these are much better chords.

(fast piano music)

- Are these togs alright?

- Shh, I'm just checking the music)

- If you think you're so much better,

perhaps you better play.

- Very well.

♫ A cigarette that bears a lipsticks traces

♫ An airline ticket to romantic places

- Mr. Rumbold!

♫ Oh, how the ghost of you clings

- Mr. Rumbold!

(audience laughs)

Captain Peacock's dressed for the piano.

- My attire is perfectly suitable.

If anything, moreso.

- Let me put it another way,

you're not good enough.

- What do you mean?

I've got perfect pitch.

- So has Wembley Stadium, but you're not playing there.

(audience laughs)

- Well, I shall find it very difficult to enjoy

my dinner listening to those chords.

- All you've got to do is pretend to enjoy your dinner.

Now, come on, sit back at your table.

I must think to meself now

whether singing's a good idea or not.

- Look, why don't I sing it with him?

You know, in between times.

- I didn't know you could sing.

♫ Whatever Lola wants

(audience laughs)

♫ Lola gets

♫ And little man, little Lola wants you

(audience laughs)

- Mrs. Slocombe I don't think Lola's what we want.

- Yeah, but if I give a bit of that

then I can ask them if they're having a good time.

- (laughs) If you give them a bit of that

they wouldn't be, would they?

Now, where's Miss Brahms?

- These shoes was too big so I had to stuff 'em with paper.

- And then I couldn't decide what sort of a waitress I was

so I've been trying different looks.

- I think that looks very nice.

- I think it's a bit old fashioned.

What do you think, Mr. Rumbold?

- Well, it's very country tea room.

- Well, anyway, here's the alternative.

(audience laughs)

- Blimey, that's more like it.

What do you think, Seymour?

(audience laughs)

(fingers snapping)

Seymour likes it.

- Mr. Brahms put that skirt back,

that's not the image we're looking for.

- Right, I'm ready, where are the punters?

(audience laughs)

- Nevermind.

Just go back and stand over there.

And try not to multiply.

(audience laughs)

I'm going to have to edit all these bits.

Now, where's the door to the club from display?

- Over by the good's lift, we'll get it, come on.

- Got to get this intimate atmosphere going.

♫ Night and day you are the one

- Not yet.

- Miss Belfridge, this bottle is empty.

What's happened to all the champagne?

(giggles)

(audience laughs)

- Falling her head on the table.

Why don't you prop her up a bit?

- There we go.

Here we go.

(Beverley singing)

- Ooh, that's nice.

- Maintenance is very proud of it.

Of course, they want a discount if they eat here.

- Well, I shall have to think about that.

Where's the doorman?

- Welcome to the Club Rendezvous.

It's all happenin' here.

How's that?

- Not yet, not yet.

I haven't got the camera sorted out.

Now, where's the trolley with all the dishes on them?

- Coming up, Seymour.

- Now pay attention everybody, please.

You know the sort of thing I want.

Just keep it nice and relaxed.

- When do I say my lines?

- Well, hopefully at the same time as when we rehearse them.

Right, now Mr. Harman and his party standing by.

- [Beverley] Right.

- Good, now it's running.

Okay.

Action.

♫ Night and day

- Not yet!

(audience laughs)

Wait 'til Mr. Harman gets to the door and opens it.

Right, action!

(audience laughs)

Get that door open, I've got the camera running.

(door banging)

- It's stuck.

(door banging)

(Beverley groaning)

- Welcome to the Club Rendezvous, it's all happenin' here.

♫ Night and day

- Cut!

(audience laughs)

Miss Brahms, what are you doing there?

- My safety pin broke

and I just didn't have time to get ready.

- Get rid of that thing, we can't use it.

- [Beverley] Here we go then, pull.

- What about my bit?

How can I welcome people to the club

if I've got no door?

- You can't, now come here and take charge of this camera.

Try and get everybody in.

How's Miss Belfridge?

- I think it's worn off a bit.

- I feel fine.

(glasses tinkling)

(audience laughs)

- I shall have to do your table last.

I think I'll do my bit now as Pierre, the chef.

Mr. Harman, you and your party, you'll sit here.

- [Beverley] Right, yeah.

- Now, Mr. Spooner, make sure that camera's running,

Captain Peacock, standby on the self pedal.

Action.

Good evening.

(audience laughs)

I am Pierre, from Paris.

Welcome to the Club Rendezvous.

May I introduce our charming hostess for the evening, Betty.

- Bonsoir.

- And helping her is the lovely Shirley.

- Hello.

I'll take everything down when you decide what you want.

- Although what we have to offer is limited,

I'm sure you will enjoy it.

Now, sir, what would you like for starters?

- What have you got?

- Well, to start with, Meat Patty Avocado.

- That's a nice looking pear.

Can I have a feel?

- Help yourself.

- My word, that'll do nicely.

- With or without dressing?

- Without, if you please.

- Betty, our charming hostess will show you our speciality.

Betty,

show the gentleman what you've got under there.

- Viola!

- Blimey, what a whopper.

That bird's big enough for the whole table.

- I had it plucked and stuffed

the minute it came from Norfolk.

- Turkeys come from Norfolk, not chickens.

- Cut!

(audience laughs)

I'm talking to myself over there.

I'm going to have to edit all this.

Look, I'll tell you what, just,

let's do the bit we agreed to.

- You're not forgetting to mention

that I'm on the piano, are you?

- Don't worry, you'll get a mention.

- What am I actually supposed to be doing

during this scene?

- You're supposed to be having

a sophisticated conversation with your partner.

(glasses tinkling) (audience laughs)

- Not an easy task.

- Mr. Spooner, get that microphone

and tie it onto the end of a pole or something

and dangle it over me.

I think some of these words are going missing.

Right, now then, don't forget to switch the motor on

as soon as I wave my hand.

We'll take it from Norfolk.

- Would the gentleman prefer the leg or the breast?

- I'd like a bit of both,

but my friend prefers the parson's nose.

- I shall be performing Night and Day on the piano.

By the way, my name is Stephen Peacock.

- Of course.

And where is all this happening?

It as at Grace Brothers in the High Street,

on the fourth floor, from 7:30 'til midnight.

Cut!

- Well, what about this table?

You haven't done us yet.

- Haven't got time for that.

The whole thing's only going to last 30 seconds.

- Do we get to eat this chicken now?

I'm starved.

- Yes, come on, pull up your chairs.

- Did your mother cook this, Humphries?

- I got it from the hotel around the corner.

- Aren't they generous?

- I sent the bill to you.

(audience laughs)

- I hope this works.

I don't think I could account

for another 20 quid going astray.

- Now, who's for the parson's nose?

(audience laughs)

(glasses tinkling)

(registers dinging)

- We'll miss our commercial.

- This cinema wasn't easy to find.

- I tried to see what was showing,

but someone's put stickers all over the posters.

- Well, I expect they get a lot of vandals 'round here.

- It's alright, I've got their tickets.

Quick.

- What's showing?

- Last week it was Mrs. Miniver.

I cried so much all me mascara ran.

- What is it this week?

- I don't know.

It's something in French.

Anyway the big picture's nearly finished

and the manager says he's going to

put our commercial on first.

Come on, follow me.

(dramatic orchestral music)

- [Mrs. Slocombe] I'm looking for what to eat.

- Do you mean it hasn't been on yet?

- No, they had a bit of trouble with their equipment

they lost the picture, but it's alright now.

(hand slaps)

(audience laughs)

(film speaking in foreign language)

- Have they just got married?

- Just met by a lake, I think he's been in prison.

- For quite a long time.

(audience laughs)

- They're taking their clothes off!

- Well, it looks a bit cold for a swim.

- I don't think he's going in for a swim.

- No, they haven't got costumes.

- Mrs. Slocombe, how would you and Miss Brahms

like to pop out for some sweets?

Be quite a time before this finishes.

- I don't want any sweets.

(film moaning)

(audience laughs)

- I said they wasn't going swimming.

(audience laughs)

- You sure this is the sort of cinema

we should advertise in?

- Of course it is, they show everything here.

- You can say that again.

- Next week, it's Bambi.

- [Announcer] The next film will continue

after the commercial.

- That's the manager, I'm on now.

- Where's the picture?

Where's the picture?

- [Announcer] Due to a technical fault,

we have no picture but we are trying to rectify this.

- I realize now that a glee club singing

All Things Bright and Beautiful

would have been by far the best.

- [Patron] Shh!

- [Pierre] Good evening and welcome to Club Rendezvous.

I am Pierre from Paris, and this is Betty,

our glamorous hostess for the evening.

- [Betty] Bonsoir.

- [Pierre] Helping her is the lovely Shirley.

- [Shirley] Hello.

I'll take everything down when you decide what you want.

- Here!

Get that picture back!

We wanna have a look.

- [Pierre] Although what we have to offer is limited

we're sure you will enjoy it.

Now sir, what would you like to start with?

- [Beverley] What have you got?

- Well, for starters Meat Patty Avocado.

- Patty Avocado?

South American crumpet!

- Here, sounds the kinda club we'd like.

- [Beverley] That's a nice big pear.

Can I have a feel?

- [Shirley] Help yourself.

- [Beverley] My word, that'll do nicely.

- [Betty] With or without dressing?

- [Beverley] Without, please.

- Naughty boy.

- [Pierre] Betty, our hostess,

would like to show you her speciality.

Please show the gentlemen what you've got under there.

- [Beverley] What a whopper.

That bird's big enough for the whole table.

- [Betty] Would the gentleman like the leg or the breast?

(audience laughs)

- [Beverley] I'd like a bit of both.

But my friend prefers the parson's nose.

(audience laughs)

- Here, where is this place?

I gotta go.

- Me too, I'd like to know what else goes on there.

- I shall be performing

Night and Day on the piano.

(audience laughs)

By the way my name is Stephen Peacock.

Oh my god.

- [Pierre] Where is all this happening?

Make a note of this address.

♫ All things bright and beautiful

♫ All creatures great and small

♫ All things wise and wonderful

(audience applauds)

- [Lift Girl] Ground floor perfumery, stationery

and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery

kitchenware and food, going up.

(upbeat music)

First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits,

shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes, going up.

(upbeat music)

Second floor carpets, travel goods and bedding,

material, soft furnishings, restaurant and teas.

Going down!

(upbeat music)

First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits,

shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes, going up.

(upbeat music)

Ground floor perfumery, stationery and leather goods,

wigs and haberdashery kitchenware and food, going up.

(upbeat music)