All language subtitles for Are.You.Being.Served.S10E05.The.Night.Club

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English Download
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew Download
hi Hindi
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt-PT Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,000 (registers dinging) 2 00:00:06,518 --> 00:00:08,609 - [Lift Girl] Ground floor perfumery, stationery, 3 00:00:08,609 --> 00:00:10,412 and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery 4 00:00:10,412 --> 00:00:12,455 kitchenware and food, going up. 5 00:00:12,455 --> 00:00:15,038 (upbeat music) 6 00:00:17,782 --> 00:00:20,690 First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits, 7 00:00:20,690 --> 00:00:24,105 shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes, going up. 8 00:00:24,105 --> 00:00:26,688 (upbeat music) 9 00:00:29,508 --> 00:00:32,264 Second floor carpets, travel goods and bedding, 10 00:00:32,264 --> 00:00:35,014 material, soft furnishings, restaurant and teas. 11 00:00:35,014 --> 00:00:35,896 Going down! 12 00:00:35,896 --> 00:00:38,479 (upbeat music) 13 00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:47,750 - If Mr. Rumbold doesn't come to this meeting soon 14 00:00:47,750 --> 00:00:49,485 I'm going home. 15 00:00:49,485 --> 00:00:51,573 - What's this meeting about anyway? 16 00:00:51,573 --> 00:00:54,693 - All he said was it would be to our advantage. 17 00:00:54,693 --> 00:00:56,263 But I have my doubts. 18 00:00:56,263 --> 00:00:57,297 - But where's Mr. Humphries? 19 00:00:57,297 --> 00:00:58,586 Has he gone home? 20 00:00:58,586 --> 00:01:00,273 - He's still getting changed. 21 00:01:00,273 --> 00:01:02,898 - He's taking a long time to put on a hat and coat. 22 00:01:02,898 --> 00:01:06,866 I bet he's nipped off down the back stairs. 23 00:01:06,866 --> 00:01:09,699 (audience laughs) 24 00:01:13,068 --> 00:01:17,235 - Have you ever known me to nip off and miss a meeting? 25 00:01:24,011 --> 00:01:25,965 - I think it would be a little bit more discreet 26 00:01:25,965 --> 00:01:28,253 if you did that outside the building. 27 00:01:28,253 --> 00:01:30,465 - Don't be ridiculous, the wind'd blow my wig off. 28 00:01:30,465 --> 00:01:32,185 (audience laughs) 29 00:01:32,185 --> 00:01:34,484 - You're not going home like that are you? 30 00:01:34,484 --> 00:01:36,457 - No, I meeting me mother at the cinema. 31 00:01:36,457 --> 00:01:37,604 (audience laughs) 32 00:01:37,604 --> 00:01:39,089 - What, dressed like that? 33 00:01:39,089 --> 00:01:40,531 - She's a part time usherette 34 00:01:40,531 --> 00:01:42,060 at a cinema near here, you see, 35 00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:43,501 and she can't make every night, 36 00:01:43,501 --> 00:01:45,438 so I stand in for her every now and again. 37 00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:47,166 Can't tell the difference in the dark. 38 00:01:47,166 --> 00:01:48,530 (audience laughs) 39 00:01:48,530 --> 00:01:49,896 - What do you have to do? 40 00:01:49,896 --> 00:01:52,231 - Well I wave me big torch about 41 00:01:52,231 --> 00:01:54,644 and show them to their seats. 42 00:01:54,644 --> 00:01:55,801 Then I sit on the back row 43 00:01:55,801 --> 00:01:57,313 and I flash it every now and again. 44 00:01:57,313 --> 00:01:58,621 (audience laughs) 45 00:01:58,621 --> 00:02:00,303 Stop 'em tripping up when they go home. 46 00:02:00,303 --> 00:02:02,343 - Remarkable explanation indeed. 47 00:02:02,343 --> 00:02:04,191 - If you don't believe me why don't you come 48 00:02:04,191 --> 00:02:07,445 and have a look at Something from Out of Space at 7:30? 49 00:02:07,445 --> 00:02:08,810 - I'm already looking at it. 50 00:02:08,810 --> 00:02:10,483 (audience laughs) 51 00:02:10,483 --> 00:02:11,513 (gasps) 52 00:02:11,513 --> 00:02:14,832 - I forgot to tell Tiddles I was going to be late. 53 00:02:14,832 --> 00:02:16,595 She'll be ever so upset. 54 00:02:16,595 --> 00:02:19,383 I better go and phone her. 55 00:02:19,383 --> 00:02:21,752 - You don't mean to tell me you can communicate 56 00:02:21,752 --> 00:02:23,721 with that cat of yours? 57 00:02:23,721 --> 00:02:24,554 - Well, why not? 58 00:02:24,554 --> 00:02:25,857 They do it with monkeys. 59 00:02:25,857 --> 00:02:27,490 They show 'em things like pictures of vegetables 60 00:02:27,490 --> 00:02:29,212 and numbers and the monkeys point at 'em 61 00:02:29,212 --> 00:02:30,640 and make up a sentence. 62 00:02:30,640 --> 00:02:32,282 - How do you know that? 63 00:02:32,282 --> 00:02:34,281 - I watch nature programs on the telly. 64 00:02:34,281 --> 00:02:35,799 I've learned quite a lot. 65 00:02:35,799 --> 00:02:36,632 - Oh? 66 00:02:36,632 --> 00:02:39,442 And when do you take your exam to go in the zoo? 67 00:02:39,442 --> 00:02:40,591 (audience laughs) 68 00:02:40,591 --> 00:02:42,037 - Look, will you all mind being quiet? 69 00:02:42,037 --> 00:02:45,654 I must concentrate, 'cause I haven't got me glasses on. 70 00:02:45,654 --> 00:02:47,577 - Do you seriously believe that that cat of yours 71 00:02:47,577 --> 00:02:49,885 can understand what you say? 72 00:02:49,885 --> 00:02:50,718 - Well yes. 73 00:02:50,718 --> 00:02:53,134 You see, I've trained her to knock the receiver 74 00:02:53,134 --> 00:02:55,314 off the cradle and put her head near it 75 00:02:55,314 --> 00:02:57,824 after it's rung about five times. 76 00:02:57,824 --> 00:02:59,339 She's answered. 77 00:02:59,339 --> 00:03:00,256 Hello, pet. 78 00:03:01,636 --> 00:03:04,334 It's your mistress speaking. 79 00:03:04,334 --> 00:03:07,841 Now listen, I'm going to be later than I thought, 80 00:03:07,841 --> 00:03:10,422 so why don't you go and lie down on that nice, 81 00:03:10,422 --> 00:03:13,376 big, comfy bed and wait for me? 82 00:03:13,376 --> 00:03:18,158 And when I come I'll tickle your tummy all over. 83 00:03:18,158 --> 00:03:19,705 Oh, I'm so sorry Mr. Ahkbar. 84 00:03:19,705 --> 00:03:22,765 (audience laughs) 85 00:03:22,765 --> 00:03:24,937 I must've misdialed. 86 00:03:24,937 --> 00:03:28,455 It's your neighbor, Mrs. Slocombe. 87 00:03:28,455 --> 00:03:31,045 What do you mean you leave your key under the mat? 88 00:03:31,045 --> 00:03:32,400 (audience laughs) 89 00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:35,714 Look, I'm trying to get my pussy on the phone. 90 00:03:35,714 --> 00:03:38,007 (audience laughs) 91 00:03:38,007 --> 00:03:41,520 Mr. Ahkbar, I don't wish to discuss that with you. 92 00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:43,773 Look, all I want to do is redial, 93 00:03:43,773 --> 00:03:45,855 so will you please hang up? 94 00:03:45,855 --> 00:03:48,897 (phone dings) 95 00:03:48,897 --> 00:03:50,741 - Come along, Mrs. Slocombe, I'm ready for the meeting, 96 00:03:50,741 --> 00:03:51,929 and we haven't much time. 97 00:03:51,929 --> 00:03:54,144 - Yes, but I've dialed again. 98 00:03:54,144 --> 00:03:55,854 I'll just make it brief. 99 00:03:55,854 --> 00:03:57,731 It's ringing. 100 00:03:57,731 --> 00:03:59,231 Three, four, five, 101 00:04:01,367 --> 00:04:02,200 six, 102 00:04:03,134 --> 00:04:04,364 seven. 103 00:04:04,364 --> 00:04:06,869 Oh drat, she's not answering. 104 00:04:06,869 --> 00:04:08,667 - Mrs. Slocombe, leave the phone off the hook 105 00:04:08,667 --> 00:04:09,810 and come here. 106 00:04:09,810 --> 00:04:11,892 I don't want to be interrupted by any calls. 107 00:04:11,892 --> 00:04:13,142 - Oh very well. 108 00:04:14,191 --> 00:04:16,935 She must've gone to be a good girl in the garden. 109 00:04:16,935 --> 00:04:18,534 (audience laughs) 110 00:04:18,534 --> 00:04:20,167 - If we'd known you were going to be so long, Mr. Rumbold, 111 00:04:20,167 --> 00:04:22,209 we could've popped out for a sandwich. 112 00:04:22,209 --> 00:04:24,088 - Not dressed like that, I trust? 113 00:04:24,088 --> 00:04:26,177 - I'm meeting my mother at the cinema. 114 00:04:26,177 --> 00:04:27,363 - I don't even want to know. 115 00:04:27,363 --> 00:04:29,730 Now I asked Miss Belfridge to go an get some food 116 00:04:29,730 --> 00:04:31,615 and charge it to the department. 117 00:04:31,615 --> 00:04:32,848 Ah, here she comes now. 118 00:04:32,848 --> 00:04:34,889 Bring it over here, Miss Belfridge. 119 00:04:34,889 --> 00:04:36,197 - I'm sorry I was so long, 120 00:04:36,197 --> 00:04:39,015 but I didn't know what everyone wanted. 121 00:04:39,015 --> 00:04:40,486 - I think the pub knows by now 122 00:04:40,486 --> 00:04:43,840 that six stale ham sandwiches is the usual order. 123 00:04:43,840 --> 00:04:45,737 - I don't like going in that pub, 124 00:04:45,737 --> 00:04:48,759 the men in their all pinch my bottom. 125 00:04:48,759 --> 00:04:50,155 (audience laughs) 126 00:04:50,155 --> 00:04:51,419 - That's disgraceful. 127 00:04:51,419 --> 00:04:53,474 Is that in the public bar or in the saloon? 128 00:04:53,474 --> 00:04:54,307 - The saloon. 129 00:04:54,307 --> 00:04:56,428 - I shall make a note of that. 130 00:04:56,428 --> 00:04:57,409 - So will I. 131 00:04:57,409 --> 00:04:59,330 (audience laughs) 132 00:04:59,330 --> 00:05:02,362 - This smells like smoked salmon. 133 00:05:02,362 --> 00:05:03,660 - It is smoked salmon. 134 00:05:03,660 --> 00:05:05,543 - I got them at the hotel on the corner. 135 00:05:05,543 --> 00:05:06,481 - The hotel? 136 00:05:06,481 --> 00:05:08,977 - And there's seven Irish coffees. 137 00:05:08,977 --> 00:05:11,061 - But the firm's paying for this. 138 00:05:11,061 --> 00:05:13,068 - I know, they're sending the bill to you. 139 00:05:13,068 --> 00:05:15,273 Here's a copy of it. 140 00:05:15,273 --> 00:05:16,417 - 20 pounds? 141 00:05:16,417 --> 00:05:19,486 Mr. Grace won't sanction that. 142 00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:21,669 - Quick, eat it all before he sends 'em back. 143 00:05:21,669 --> 00:05:22,853 (audience laughs) 144 00:05:22,853 --> 00:05:25,017 - That's the last time I send you out, Miss Belfridge. 145 00:05:25,017 --> 00:05:27,060 - Well, in that case we better make the most of it. 146 00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:29,477 Have you got any lemon there? 147 00:05:31,523 --> 00:05:33,036 (groans) 148 00:05:33,036 --> 00:05:33,869 (audience laughs) 149 00:05:33,869 --> 00:05:36,513 This is the most civilized meeting we've ever had. 150 00:05:36,513 --> 00:05:39,086 - It cost more than the last half dozen. 151 00:05:39,086 --> 00:05:40,762 - Shall I go home? 152 00:05:40,762 --> 00:05:43,576 - No, no, just sit down and take notes. 153 00:05:43,576 --> 00:05:44,637 Pencil and pad ready? 154 00:05:44,637 --> 00:05:45,818 - Yes, sir. 155 00:05:45,818 --> 00:05:48,227 - Now, the first one's to Accounts. 156 00:05:48,227 --> 00:05:52,068 Due to a clerical error I find we are 20 pounds adrift 157 00:05:52,068 --> 00:05:53,832 in this month's takings. 158 00:05:53,832 --> 00:05:57,190 Investigation is underway, and I will advise accordingly. 159 00:05:57,190 --> 00:06:00,786 Copy to Mr. Grace, et cetera, signed C. Rumbold. 160 00:06:00,786 --> 00:06:02,458 - One learns something every day. 161 00:06:02,458 --> 00:06:05,236 - What happens when it's not put back? 162 00:06:05,236 --> 00:06:07,382 - I think that the fruits of this discussion 163 00:06:07,382 --> 00:06:10,321 will provide more than enough money to make 20 pounds 164 00:06:10,321 --> 00:06:12,942 seem a very unsubstantial sum. 165 00:06:12,942 --> 00:06:14,132 - How so? 166 00:06:14,132 --> 00:06:16,456 - Could you take that wig off? 167 00:06:16,456 --> 00:06:18,790 I find it hard to concentrate. 168 00:06:18,790 --> 00:06:20,179 - A lot of people have said that. 169 00:06:20,179 --> 00:06:22,098 (audience laughs) 170 00:06:22,098 --> 00:06:24,146 - Now, Mr. Grace has decided to allow us 171 00:06:24,146 --> 00:06:25,950 to use this valuable floor space at night 172 00:06:25,950 --> 00:06:30,319 for whatever money making program we would like. 173 00:06:30,319 --> 00:06:34,241 In return for which, he will take 10% of the profits. 174 00:06:34,241 --> 00:06:35,709 - What had you in mind? 175 00:06:35,709 --> 00:06:36,856 - Well, that's why we're here, 176 00:06:36,856 --> 00:06:38,750 to see what ideas we've got. 177 00:06:38,750 --> 00:06:40,172 - Which means you don't have any. 178 00:06:40,172 --> 00:06:41,320 (audience laughs) 179 00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:44,016 - Well, actually, I thought a choral evening. 180 00:06:44,016 --> 00:06:45,322 We can all sing old favorites, 181 00:06:45,322 --> 00:06:47,160 like All Things Bright and Beautiful, 182 00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:51,210 serve tea and cakes, charge an entrance fee of say, a pound. 183 00:06:51,210 --> 00:06:54,443 I think it could be a very civilized evening. 184 00:06:54,443 --> 00:06:56,123 - Not to mention a disaster. 185 00:06:56,123 --> 00:06:57,104 (audience laughs) 186 00:06:57,104 --> 00:07:00,091 - People want a change from sex and violence. 187 00:07:00,091 --> 00:07:01,611 - How 'bout a roller disco? 188 00:07:01,611 --> 00:07:03,906 - On no, no, that could damage the floor. 189 00:07:03,906 --> 00:07:05,129 - Bowls. 190 00:07:05,129 --> 00:07:07,294 - I beg your pardon, Mr. Spooner? 191 00:07:07,294 --> 00:07:09,012 - Bowls, you know, with skittles. 192 00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:10,363 Bowls, you can play bowls. 193 00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:12,692 - No, no, no, we want something much less violent than that. 194 00:07:12,692 --> 00:07:14,535 I mean, something we can all participate in 195 00:07:14,535 --> 00:07:16,649 and something for which we can charge money. 196 00:07:16,649 --> 00:07:17,957 - Without being arrested? 197 00:07:17,957 --> 00:07:19,303 (audience laughs) 198 00:07:19,303 --> 00:07:21,469 - What about a snack bar? 199 00:07:21,469 --> 00:07:22,864 - Judging by these sandwiches 200 00:07:22,864 --> 00:07:24,909 there's certainly money in food. 201 00:07:24,909 --> 00:07:28,192 One needs to offer them that little bit extra. 202 00:07:28,192 --> 00:07:30,197 - We could have music playing in the background, 203 00:07:30,197 --> 00:07:31,510 give it atmosphere. 204 00:07:31,510 --> 00:07:33,225 - Oh yes, we could charge more for that. 205 00:07:33,225 --> 00:07:35,477 I could play a little background on the piano. 206 00:07:35,477 --> 00:07:37,601 - Like a night club, with the sort of name 207 00:07:37,601 --> 00:07:41,479 that suggests that it's upmarket and discreet. 208 00:07:41,479 --> 00:07:42,312 - Exactly. 209 00:07:43,238 --> 00:07:46,144 - The sort of name that apropos to good food 210 00:07:46,144 --> 00:07:48,337 and attractive female staff. 211 00:07:48,337 --> 00:07:50,094 That always brings the men. 212 00:07:50,094 --> 00:07:51,074 - I've got it. 213 00:07:51,074 --> 00:07:52,471 What about the Crumpet Club? 214 00:07:52,471 --> 00:07:54,326 (audience laughs) 215 00:07:54,326 --> 00:07:55,924 - Don't make a suggestion, Spooner, 216 00:07:55,924 --> 00:07:57,559 unless you're sure it's a good one. 217 00:07:57,559 --> 00:07:58,949 Let's stick to the food. 218 00:07:58,949 --> 00:08:01,158 What sort of dishes could we have? 219 00:08:01,158 --> 00:08:02,344 - Well, my mother makes a very good 220 00:08:02,344 --> 00:08:03,856 steak and kidney pudding. 221 00:08:03,856 --> 00:08:05,409 - In that case what about the Pudding Club. 222 00:08:05,409 --> 00:08:06,714 (audience laughs) 223 00:08:06,714 --> 00:08:08,034 - Ignore him. 224 00:08:08,034 --> 00:08:11,147 - We mustn't mislead people by calling it a club, anyhow. 225 00:08:11,147 --> 00:08:13,680 We don't know if we've actually got a drinks license. 226 00:08:13,680 --> 00:08:17,277 It's just soft drinks, you know, tea, coffee, cocoa. 227 00:08:17,277 --> 00:08:20,561 - Tea and cocoa, well, that sounds very sophisticated. 228 00:08:20,561 --> 00:08:22,936 - Yes, but, how are we going to get them to come in 229 00:08:22,936 --> 00:08:24,451 in the first place? 230 00:08:24,451 --> 00:08:26,489 - We could advertise at the local cinema. 231 00:08:26,489 --> 00:08:28,205 - Oh, we couldn't possibly afford that. 232 00:08:28,205 --> 00:08:29,145 - It'll be very cheap. 233 00:08:29,145 --> 00:08:30,580 The manager's a very good friend of mine, 234 00:08:30,580 --> 00:08:33,111 being as how me mother's a part time usherette there 235 00:08:33,111 --> 00:08:35,483 and I help out from time to time. 236 00:08:35,483 --> 00:08:36,316 - Well, that would, of course, 237 00:08:36,316 --> 00:08:37,453 make a great deal of difference. 238 00:08:37,453 --> 00:08:39,086 - It's as good as done. 239 00:08:39,086 --> 00:08:42,158 - Well, I'll put all my suggestions in front of Mr. Grace 240 00:08:42,158 --> 00:08:43,302 first thing in the morning. 241 00:08:43,302 --> 00:08:44,649 I'm sure he'll like 'em. 242 00:08:44,649 --> 00:08:45,963 - I must just phone the manager, 243 00:08:45,963 --> 00:08:48,307 tell him I'm going to be a bit late. 244 00:08:48,307 --> 00:08:51,140 (audience laughs) 245 00:08:53,704 --> 00:08:54,807 Mrs. Slocombe. 246 00:08:54,807 --> 00:08:56,160 - Yes, what is it? 247 00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:57,799 - I can hear heavy breathing. 248 00:08:57,799 --> 00:08:59,434 - Oh no! 249 00:08:59,434 --> 00:09:01,735 You know that last time I rang Tiddles? 250 00:09:01,735 --> 00:09:03,695 I bet she answered the phone 251 00:09:03,695 --> 00:09:06,188 and she's been hanging on all this time. 252 00:09:06,188 --> 00:09:09,421 Now, there's a faithful animal for you. 253 00:09:09,421 --> 00:09:10,688 Here, give it to me. 254 00:09:10,688 --> 00:09:13,834 Oh my little pet, I'm ever so sorry 255 00:09:13,834 --> 00:09:17,520 but I'll make it up to you as soon as I get home. 256 00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:20,100 Why don't you open your little flap 257 00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:21,941 and play with your ball? 258 00:09:21,941 --> 00:09:24,562 (audience laughs) 259 00:09:24,562 --> 00:09:26,321 Mr. Ahkbar, how dare you! 260 00:09:26,321 --> 00:09:28,327 (audience laughs) 261 00:09:28,327 --> 00:09:31,327 (registers dinging) 262 00:09:34,023 --> 00:09:36,268 Do you know, I was talking to Mrs. Axelby last night 263 00:09:36,268 --> 00:09:39,096 and she can't wait to get into the club? 264 00:09:39,096 --> 00:09:40,532 - I thought this club was gonna be 265 00:09:40,532 --> 00:09:42,627 for sophisticated people. 266 00:09:42,627 --> 00:09:46,583 - Mrs. Axelby can be very sophisticated when she puts it on. 267 00:09:46,583 --> 00:09:47,849 - I thought you said she was the one 268 00:09:47,849 --> 00:09:49,810 that was banned from the pub for standing on her head 269 00:09:49,810 --> 00:09:51,895 and singing On a Clear Day You Can See Forever. 270 00:09:51,895 --> 00:09:54,552 (audience laughs) 271 00:09:54,552 --> 00:09:55,385 Where you been? 272 00:09:55,385 --> 00:09:56,225 Coffee's nearly over. 273 00:09:56,225 --> 00:09:57,995 - I've been down to the Photography department. 274 00:09:57,995 --> 00:09:59,260 Lend me your ballpoint. 275 00:09:59,260 --> 00:10:00,093 - What for? 276 00:10:00,093 --> 00:10:02,243 - Well this coffee melts the lead in me pencil. 277 00:10:02,243 --> 00:10:04,009 (audience laughs) 278 00:10:04,009 --> 00:10:06,052 - What was you doing in Photographics? 279 00:10:06,052 --> 00:10:07,733 - Well, my friend, the cinema manager, 280 00:10:07,733 --> 00:10:09,693 says we can have a free advert. 281 00:10:09,693 --> 00:10:12,926 So it occurred to me, why don't we make our own? 282 00:10:12,926 --> 00:10:14,889 - Because it costs money. 283 00:10:14,889 --> 00:10:16,250 - Ah ha, well, I've just been down 284 00:10:16,250 --> 00:10:17,269 to the Photography department 285 00:10:17,269 --> 00:10:19,317 and I've borrowed a home movie camera. 286 00:10:19,317 --> 00:10:22,060 I thought we could make our own film commercial, you see? 287 00:10:22,060 --> 00:10:23,858 It gives people a better idea 288 00:10:23,858 --> 00:10:25,533 of what's going on in the club. 289 00:10:25,533 --> 00:10:27,330 I think I've got it all in me head. 290 00:10:27,330 --> 00:10:31,019 We could start off with Captain Peacock playing the piano, 291 00:10:31,019 --> 00:10:33,592 and then I could introduce everybody to the club, 292 00:10:33,592 --> 00:10:36,211 which, by the way, we've still got to find a name for. 293 00:10:36,211 --> 00:10:38,867 - I thought Club Rendezvous. 294 00:10:38,867 --> 00:10:40,172 - Oh, I like that. 295 00:10:40,172 --> 00:10:44,211 - Yes but, there's a Cafe Rendezvous on the North Circular 296 00:10:44,211 --> 00:10:48,296 and, well, a lot of rough truck drivers go there. 297 00:10:48,296 --> 00:10:51,945 - Is that the one just before the roundabout on the bend? 298 00:10:51,945 --> 00:10:53,210 - That's the one. 299 00:10:53,210 --> 00:10:55,786 And people might get the two confused. 300 00:10:55,786 --> 00:10:56,853 - I doubt it. 301 00:10:56,853 --> 00:10:58,773 We could show customers handing their coats 302 00:10:58,773 --> 00:10:59,960 to the cloak room attendant. 303 00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:02,448 You know, just to establish the atmosphere. 304 00:11:02,448 --> 00:11:04,458 - You could be that. 305 00:11:04,458 --> 00:11:06,382 - I'm not being a cloak room attendant. 306 00:11:06,382 --> 00:11:09,153 I've seen some of them and they're all dead common. 307 00:11:09,153 --> 00:11:10,670 No, I wouldn't be right for it. 308 00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:12,917 (audience laughs) 309 00:11:12,917 --> 00:11:16,517 - More coffee you lot before I scrub out the percolator? 310 00:11:16,517 --> 00:11:18,117 - Perfect casting. 311 00:11:18,117 --> 00:11:19,635 (audience laughs) 312 00:11:19,635 --> 00:11:21,364 - How would you like a nice job in the evenings 313 00:11:21,364 --> 00:11:23,739 in a rather smart, sophisticated restaurant 314 00:11:23,739 --> 00:11:25,494 that we're going to open on the fourth floor? 315 00:11:25,494 --> 00:11:26,597 - I heard a rumor about that. 316 00:11:26,597 --> 00:11:27,700 So it's all on then? 317 00:11:27,700 --> 00:11:30,927 - Oh yes, we're discussing the cinema commercial now. 318 00:11:30,927 --> 00:11:32,642 - Well, I like the sound of that. 319 00:11:32,642 --> 00:11:35,461 - Well, it's going to be rather upmarket, you know? 320 00:11:35,461 --> 00:11:37,755 - Don't worry, I can put the old dog on when I want to. 321 00:11:37,755 --> 00:11:39,183 Good evening, sir. 322 00:11:39,183 --> 00:11:40,016 Madam. 323 00:11:40,016 --> 00:11:41,514 May I take your order. 324 00:11:41,514 --> 00:11:43,677 I think you'll find the food well up to Cordon Bleu 325 00:11:43,677 --> 00:11:46,596 and above, have a nice nosh. 326 00:11:46,596 --> 00:11:49,168 - Well, actually, we're thinking of you as the receptionist 327 00:11:49,168 --> 00:11:50,721 that takes the coats. 328 00:11:50,721 --> 00:11:53,504 - I wouldn't even consider such a menial position. 329 00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:55,628 Remember I am the manageress here. 330 00:11:55,628 --> 00:11:57,713 - When a receptionist takes a hat or a coat 331 00:11:57,713 --> 00:12:01,274 the customer has to give a tip to get it back. 332 00:12:01,274 --> 00:12:03,076 - The receptionist can just sit there 333 00:12:03,076 --> 00:12:06,345 and take twice as much as anybody else on a good night. 334 00:12:06,345 --> 00:12:08,883 - You never told me that when you offered me the job. 335 00:12:08,883 --> 00:12:09,742 (audience laughs) 336 00:12:09,742 --> 00:12:12,519 - But I'm your superior, I have first crack. 337 00:12:12,519 --> 00:12:14,891 - Too late, I've accepted. 338 00:12:14,891 --> 00:12:15,874 - We're only discussing it. 339 00:12:15,874 --> 00:12:16,948 Nothing's been decided yet. 340 00:12:16,948 --> 00:12:18,748 You'll just wait until you're booked. 341 00:12:18,748 --> 00:12:19,693 - Yes, quite right. 342 00:12:19,693 --> 00:12:21,699 (audience laughs) 343 00:12:21,699 --> 00:12:22,763 - Where I come from in Peckham, 344 00:12:22,763 --> 00:12:24,851 a verbal agreement is good enough. 345 00:12:24,851 --> 00:12:26,079 And if you change your mind, remember, 346 00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:28,323 I've got a boyfriend built like brick chicken house, 347 00:12:28,323 --> 00:12:29,752 he'll change it for ya. 348 00:12:29,752 --> 00:12:30,585 Savvy? 349 00:12:31,596 --> 00:12:33,036 - I think we've got a receptionist. 350 00:12:33,036 --> 00:12:34,099 (audience laughs) 351 00:12:34,099 --> 00:12:35,349 - That's right. 352 00:12:36,348 --> 00:12:37,284 - On second thought, 353 00:12:37,284 --> 00:12:39,089 I don't think it's the sort of club 354 00:12:39,089 --> 00:12:41,424 Mrs. Axelby would want to belong to. 355 00:12:41,424 --> 00:12:42,609 (audience laughs) 356 00:12:42,609 --> 00:12:45,392 (registers dinging) 357 00:12:45,392 --> 00:12:48,392 (audience laughing) 358 00:12:50,970 --> 00:12:51,877 - There you are. 359 00:12:51,877 --> 00:12:54,375 Now, let's try it one more time. 360 00:12:54,375 --> 00:12:55,208 - Good evening. 361 00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:56,675 May I have your 'at and coat? 362 00:12:56,675 --> 00:12:58,932 - No, no, no, no, not your 'at and coat. 363 00:12:58,932 --> 00:13:00,851 Your hat and coat. 364 00:13:00,851 --> 00:13:02,568 - What if they're wearing gloves? 365 00:13:02,568 --> 00:13:05,040 - When then you ask 'em for their 'at and coat and... 366 00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:06,898 (speech drowned out by laughter) 367 00:13:06,898 --> 00:13:08,719 - Well, where do I put 'em when I got 'em? 368 00:13:08,719 --> 00:13:11,105 - You obviously cannot handle dialog. 369 00:13:11,105 --> 00:13:14,090 Look, just get changed and stand at the back somewhere. 370 00:13:14,090 --> 00:13:18,691 Now, where's Mr. Harman and Seymour with that equipment? 371 00:13:18,691 --> 00:13:20,185 (audience laughs) 372 00:13:20,185 --> 00:13:21,882 - Just coming up on the goods lift. 373 00:13:21,882 --> 00:13:23,462 - What are you dressed like that for? 374 00:13:23,462 --> 00:13:25,402 - Well, you said that me and Seymour and the Lift Girls 375 00:13:25,402 --> 00:13:26,591 could be customers. 376 00:13:26,591 --> 00:13:28,105 I borrowed these out of stock. 377 00:13:28,105 --> 00:13:29,456 - Well, get rid of those top hats 378 00:13:29,456 --> 00:13:31,375 and change those jackets. 379 00:13:31,375 --> 00:13:33,868 You're supposed to look normal. 380 00:13:33,868 --> 00:13:35,605 - You don't look normal. 381 00:13:35,605 --> 00:13:37,116 (audience laughs) 382 00:13:37,116 --> 00:13:40,876 - I am Pierre from Paris and surprising though it may seem, 383 00:13:40,876 --> 00:13:42,347 this is the way he dresses. 384 00:13:42,347 --> 00:13:44,405 You're supposed to be ordinary businessmen. 385 00:13:44,405 --> 00:13:45,238 - Right. 386 00:13:45,238 --> 00:13:46,455 Oh, by the way, this is a camera, 387 00:13:46,455 --> 00:13:48,672 it comes with sound in a separate box here, 388 00:13:48,672 --> 00:13:52,565 press the switch and the microphone's on. 389 00:13:52,565 --> 00:13:54,270 - Is this alright? 390 00:13:54,270 --> 00:13:55,897 - Very much over the top. 391 00:13:55,897 --> 00:13:57,492 (audience laughs) 392 00:13:57,492 --> 00:14:01,339 But not quite as much over the top as Miss Belfridge. 393 00:14:01,339 --> 00:14:02,565 - Well, I thought it would set the tone 394 00:14:02,565 --> 00:14:04,893 for the sort of people we're hoping to attract. 395 00:14:04,893 --> 00:14:06,450 - Well, sit down at the tables here. 396 00:14:06,450 --> 00:14:08,488 We haven't got all the staff together yet. 397 00:14:08,488 --> 00:14:11,270 Now, where's Miss Brahms and Mrs. Slocombe? 398 00:14:11,270 --> 00:14:14,415 (audience laughs) 399 00:14:14,415 --> 00:14:17,128 - Do you think these earrings are too big? 400 00:14:17,128 --> 00:14:18,559 (audience laughs) 401 00:14:18,559 --> 00:14:20,235 - I think everything's too big. 402 00:14:20,235 --> 00:14:21,222 (audience laughs) 403 00:14:21,222 --> 00:14:23,230 I thought you said you were going to wear something simple. 404 00:14:23,230 --> 00:14:25,281 - Well, I was, but I tried everything 405 00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:28,193 and this was the only thing that really fitted me. 406 00:14:28,193 --> 00:14:31,026 (audience laughs) 407 00:14:32,248 --> 00:14:35,123 (lively circus music) 408 00:14:35,123 --> 00:14:37,956 (audience laughs) 409 00:14:43,225 --> 00:14:45,227 - What's the point of having a real bottle 410 00:14:45,227 --> 00:14:47,194 when we're not sure of the license? 411 00:14:47,194 --> 00:14:49,119 - We're going to shoot the commercial twice. 412 00:14:49,119 --> 00:14:50,550 You see, if we get the license, 413 00:14:50,550 --> 00:14:51,738 we'll use the one with the bottle, 414 00:14:51,738 --> 00:14:52,679 and if we don't get the license, 415 00:14:52,679 --> 00:14:54,855 we'll use the one with the cocoa. 416 00:14:54,855 --> 00:14:56,930 - Oh, well, we might as well have a drink of this. 417 00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:58,565 (cork popping) 418 00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:01,677 - We were going to use that pop sound for the film. 419 00:15:01,677 --> 00:15:03,964 - Haven't you got special effects for that? 420 00:15:03,964 --> 00:15:05,969 - We're not 20th Century Fox, you know? 421 00:15:05,969 --> 00:15:06,987 (audience laughs) 422 00:15:06,987 --> 00:15:09,317 - This stuff goes straight to my head. 423 00:15:09,317 --> 00:15:10,903 - There's plenty of room for it. 424 00:15:10,903 --> 00:15:14,007 (audience laughs) 425 00:15:14,007 --> 00:15:16,908 - Mr. Humphries I've brought a selection with me. 426 00:15:16,908 --> 00:15:20,908 I thought something like this might be suitable. 427 00:15:22,780 --> 00:15:26,790 ♫ Night and day you are the one 428 00:15:26,790 --> 00:15:30,098 ♫ Only you 'neath the moon or under the sun 429 00:15:30,098 --> 00:15:33,533 - No, those are the wrong chords for that. 430 00:15:33,533 --> 00:15:35,532 - They are the chords I always play. 431 00:15:35,532 --> 00:15:36,928 - I quite liked it. 432 00:15:36,928 --> 00:15:38,361 - So did I. 433 00:15:38,361 --> 00:15:40,579 - No, no, these are much better chords. 434 00:15:40,579 --> 00:15:43,496 (fast piano music) 435 00:15:47,652 --> 00:15:49,171 - Are these togs alright? 436 00:15:49,171 --> 00:15:51,022 - Shh, I'm just checking the music) 437 00:15:51,022 --> 00:15:52,369 - If you think you're so much better, 438 00:15:52,369 --> 00:15:54,412 perhaps you better play. 439 00:15:54,412 --> 00:15:55,412 - Very well. 440 00:15:58,998 --> 00:16:03,980 ♫ A cigarette that bears a lipsticks traces 441 00:16:03,980 --> 00:16:08,147 ♫ An airline ticket to romantic places 442 00:16:09,548 --> 00:16:10,610 - Mr. Rumbold! 443 00:16:10,610 --> 00:16:12,604 ♫ Oh, how the ghost of you clings 444 00:16:12,604 --> 00:16:13,994 - Mr. Rumbold! 445 00:16:13,994 --> 00:16:15,053 (audience laughs) 446 00:16:15,053 --> 00:16:16,893 Captain Peacock's dressed for the piano. 447 00:16:16,893 --> 00:16:19,380 - My attire is perfectly suitable. 448 00:16:19,380 --> 00:16:21,018 If anything, moreso. 449 00:16:21,018 --> 00:16:22,790 - Let me put it another way, 450 00:16:22,790 --> 00:16:24,694 you're not good enough. 451 00:16:24,694 --> 00:16:25,527 - What do you mean? 452 00:16:25,527 --> 00:16:26,552 I've got perfect pitch. 453 00:16:26,552 --> 00:16:28,489 - So has Wembley Stadium, but you're not playing there. 454 00:16:28,489 --> 00:16:29,554 (audience laughs) 455 00:16:29,554 --> 00:16:31,233 - Well, I shall find it very difficult to enjoy 456 00:16:31,233 --> 00:16:33,521 my dinner listening to those chords. 457 00:16:33,521 --> 00:16:36,174 - All you've got to do is pretend to enjoy your dinner. 458 00:16:36,174 --> 00:16:38,338 Now, come on, sit back at your table. 459 00:16:38,338 --> 00:16:39,765 I must think to meself now 460 00:16:39,765 --> 00:16:42,142 whether singing's a good idea or not. 461 00:16:42,142 --> 00:16:44,225 - Look, why don't I sing it with him? 462 00:16:44,225 --> 00:16:46,513 You know, in between times. 463 00:16:46,513 --> 00:16:49,046 - I didn't know you could sing. 464 00:16:49,046 --> 00:16:51,168 ♫ Whatever Lola wants 465 00:16:51,168 --> 00:16:52,559 (audience laughs) 466 00:16:52,559 --> 00:16:54,449 ♫ Lola gets 467 00:16:54,449 --> 00:16:58,579 ♫ And little man, little Lola wants you 468 00:16:58,579 --> 00:17:00,545 (audience laughs) 469 00:17:00,545 --> 00:17:03,686 - Mrs. Slocombe I don't think Lola's what we want. 470 00:17:03,686 --> 00:17:05,033 - Yeah, but if I give a bit of that 471 00:17:05,033 --> 00:17:06,944 then I can ask them if they're having a good time. 472 00:17:06,944 --> 00:17:08,426 - (laughs) If you give them a bit of that 473 00:17:08,426 --> 00:17:09,711 they wouldn't be, would they? 474 00:17:09,711 --> 00:17:11,433 Now, where's Miss Brahms? 475 00:17:11,433 --> 00:17:14,626 - These shoes was too big so I had to stuff 'em with paper. 476 00:17:14,626 --> 00:17:17,449 - And then I couldn't decide what sort of a waitress I was 477 00:17:17,449 --> 00:17:19,825 so I've been trying different looks. 478 00:17:19,825 --> 00:17:21,254 - I think that looks very nice. 479 00:17:21,254 --> 00:17:24,400 - I think it's a bit old fashioned. 480 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:26,493 What do you think, Mr. Rumbold? 481 00:17:26,493 --> 00:17:28,209 - Well, it's very country tea room. 482 00:17:28,209 --> 00:17:31,694 - Well, anyway, here's the alternative. 483 00:17:31,694 --> 00:17:33,777 (audience laughs) 484 00:17:33,777 --> 00:17:35,579 - Blimey, that's more like it. 485 00:17:35,579 --> 00:17:37,948 What do you think, Seymour? 486 00:17:37,948 --> 00:17:40,527 (audience laughs) 487 00:17:40,527 --> 00:17:42,493 (fingers snapping) 488 00:17:42,493 --> 00:17:44,215 Seymour likes it. 489 00:17:44,215 --> 00:17:45,811 - Mr. Brahms put that skirt back, 490 00:17:45,811 --> 00:17:48,020 that's not the image we're looking for. 491 00:17:48,020 --> 00:17:50,071 - Right, I'm ready, where are the punters? 492 00:17:50,071 --> 00:17:51,458 (audience laughs) 493 00:17:51,458 --> 00:17:53,053 - Nevermind. 494 00:17:53,053 --> 00:17:54,859 Just go back and stand over there. 495 00:17:54,859 --> 00:17:56,375 And try not to multiply. 496 00:17:56,375 --> 00:17:59,649 (audience laughs) 497 00:17:59,649 --> 00:18:02,346 I'm going to have to edit all these bits. 498 00:18:02,346 --> 00:18:04,875 Now, where's the door to the club from display? 499 00:18:04,875 --> 00:18:08,191 - Over by the good's lift, we'll get it, come on. 500 00:18:08,191 --> 00:18:10,727 - Got to get this intimate atmosphere going. 501 00:18:10,727 --> 00:18:13,700 ♫ Night and day you are the one 502 00:18:13,700 --> 00:18:14,533 - Not yet. 503 00:18:17,299 --> 00:18:19,176 - Miss Belfridge, this bottle is empty. 504 00:18:19,176 --> 00:18:20,891 What's happened to all the champagne? 505 00:18:20,891 --> 00:18:22,894 (giggles) 506 00:18:22,894 --> 00:18:24,655 (audience laughs) 507 00:18:24,655 --> 00:18:26,779 - Falling her head on the table. 508 00:18:26,779 --> 00:18:28,657 Why don't you prop her up a bit? 509 00:18:28,657 --> 00:18:29,637 - There we go. 510 00:18:29,637 --> 00:18:30,554 Here we go. 511 00:18:32,293 --> 00:18:36,017 (Beverley singing) 512 00:18:36,017 --> 00:18:37,600 - Ooh, that's nice. 513 00:18:39,004 --> 00:18:40,610 - Maintenance is very proud of it. 514 00:18:40,610 --> 00:18:42,781 Of course, they want a discount if they eat here. 515 00:18:42,781 --> 00:18:44,004 - Well, I shall have to think about that. 516 00:18:44,004 --> 00:18:45,671 Where's the doorman? 517 00:18:46,539 --> 00:18:47,569 - Welcome to the Club Rendezvous. 518 00:18:47,569 --> 00:18:48,683 It's all happenin' here. 519 00:18:48,683 --> 00:18:49,516 How's that? 520 00:18:49,516 --> 00:18:50,349 - Not yet, not yet. 521 00:18:50,349 --> 00:18:52,819 I haven't got the camera sorted out. 522 00:18:52,819 --> 00:18:55,146 Now, where's the trolley with all the dishes on them? 523 00:18:55,146 --> 00:18:56,826 - Coming up, Seymour. 524 00:18:56,826 --> 00:18:58,871 - Now pay attention everybody, please. 525 00:18:58,871 --> 00:19:00,305 You know the sort of thing I want. 526 00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:02,639 Just keep it nice and relaxed. 527 00:19:02,639 --> 00:19:04,150 - When do I say my lines? 528 00:19:04,150 --> 00:19:07,996 - Well, hopefully at the same time as when we rehearse them. 529 00:19:07,996 --> 00:19:10,121 Right, now Mr. Harman and his party standing by. 530 00:19:10,121 --> 00:19:11,719 - [Beverley] Right. 531 00:19:11,719 --> 00:19:13,638 - Good, now it's running. 532 00:19:13,638 --> 00:19:14,702 Okay. 533 00:19:14,702 --> 00:19:15,810 Action. 534 00:19:15,810 --> 00:19:17,724 ♫ Night and day 535 00:19:17,724 --> 00:19:18,595 - Not yet! 536 00:19:18,595 --> 00:19:20,800 (audience laughs) 537 00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:24,565 Wait 'til Mr. Harman gets to the door and opens it. 538 00:19:24,565 --> 00:19:25,732 Right, action! 539 00:19:28,036 --> 00:19:30,120 (audience laughs) 540 00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:32,338 Get that door open, I've got the camera running. 541 00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:34,905 (door banging) 542 00:19:34,905 --> 00:19:36,049 - It's stuck. 543 00:19:36,049 --> 00:19:38,632 (door banging) 544 00:19:40,228 --> 00:19:43,228 (Beverley groaning) 545 00:19:44,281 --> 00:19:46,487 - Welcome to the Club Rendezvous, it's all happenin' here. 546 00:19:46,487 --> 00:19:48,044 ♫ Night and day 547 00:19:48,044 --> 00:19:49,034 - Cut! 548 00:19:49,034 --> 00:19:50,832 (audience laughs) 549 00:19:50,832 --> 00:19:52,686 Miss Brahms, what are you doing there? 550 00:19:52,686 --> 00:19:54,487 - My safety pin broke 551 00:19:54,487 --> 00:19:56,472 and I just didn't have time to get ready. 552 00:19:56,472 --> 00:19:59,329 - Get rid of that thing, we can't use it. 553 00:19:59,329 --> 00:20:02,246 - [Beverley] Here we go then, pull. 554 00:20:04,087 --> 00:20:05,274 - What about my bit? 555 00:20:05,274 --> 00:20:06,715 How can I welcome people to the club 556 00:20:06,715 --> 00:20:08,308 if I've got no door? 557 00:20:08,308 --> 00:20:11,326 - You can't, now come here and take charge of this camera. 558 00:20:11,326 --> 00:20:13,491 Try and get everybody in. 559 00:20:13,491 --> 00:20:15,131 How's Miss Belfridge? 560 00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:17,059 - I think it's worn off a bit. 561 00:20:17,059 --> 00:20:18,226 - I feel fine. 562 00:20:19,395 --> 00:20:20,709 (glasses tinkling) 563 00:20:20,709 --> 00:20:21,566 (audience laughs) 564 00:20:21,566 --> 00:20:23,410 - I shall have to do your table last. 565 00:20:23,410 --> 00:20:25,913 I think I'll do my bit now as Pierre, the chef. 566 00:20:25,913 --> 00:20:28,430 Mr. Harman, you and your party, you'll sit here. 567 00:20:28,430 --> 00:20:29,625 - [Beverley] Right, yeah. 568 00:20:29,625 --> 00:20:31,996 - Now, Mr. Spooner, make sure that camera's running, 569 00:20:31,996 --> 00:20:34,284 Captain Peacock, standby on the self pedal. 570 00:20:34,284 --> 00:20:35,117 Action. 571 00:20:36,999 --> 00:20:38,034 Good evening. 572 00:20:38,034 --> 00:20:39,514 (audience laughs) 573 00:20:39,514 --> 00:20:41,395 I am Pierre, from Paris. 574 00:20:41,395 --> 00:20:43,857 Welcome to the Club Rendezvous. 575 00:20:43,857 --> 00:20:48,329 May I introduce our charming hostess for the evening, Betty. 576 00:20:48,329 --> 00:20:49,799 - Bonsoir. 577 00:20:49,799 --> 00:20:52,425 - And helping her is the lovely Shirley. 578 00:20:52,425 --> 00:20:53,739 - Hello. 579 00:20:53,739 --> 00:20:57,706 I'll take everything down when you decide what you want. 580 00:20:57,706 --> 00:21:00,500 - Although what we have to offer is limited, 581 00:21:00,500 --> 00:21:02,347 I'm sure you will enjoy it. 582 00:21:02,347 --> 00:21:04,967 Now, sir, what would you like for starters? 583 00:21:04,967 --> 00:21:05,950 - What have you got? 584 00:21:05,950 --> 00:21:09,845 - Well, to start with, Meat Patty Avocado. 585 00:21:09,845 --> 00:21:11,484 - That's a nice looking pear. 586 00:21:11,484 --> 00:21:12,887 Can I have a feel? 587 00:21:12,887 --> 00:21:14,939 - Help yourself. 588 00:21:14,939 --> 00:21:16,667 - My word, that'll do nicely. 589 00:21:16,667 --> 00:21:18,722 - With or without dressing? 590 00:21:18,722 --> 00:21:20,489 - Without, if you please. 591 00:21:20,489 --> 00:21:24,656 - Betty, our charming hostess will show you our speciality. 592 00:21:26,555 --> 00:21:27,829 Betty, 593 00:21:27,829 --> 00:21:30,951 show the gentleman what you've got under there. 594 00:21:30,951 --> 00:21:32,267 - Viola! 595 00:21:32,267 --> 00:21:33,873 - Blimey, what a whopper. 596 00:21:33,873 --> 00:21:35,735 That bird's big enough for the whole table. 597 00:21:35,735 --> 00:21:37,095 - I had it plucked and stuffed 598 00:21:37,095 --> 00:21:39,149 the minute it came from Norfolk. 599 00:21:39,149 --> 00:21:41,109 - Turkeys come from Norfolk, not chickens. 600 00:21:41,109 --> 00:21:41,942 - Cut! 601 00:21:41,942 --> 00:21:43,421 (audience laughs) 602 00:21:43,421 --> 00:21:45,524 I'm talking to myself over there. 603 00:21:45,524 --> 00:21:47,092 I'm going to have to edit all this. 604 00:21:47,092 --> 00:21:48,569 Look, I'll tell you what, just, 605 00:21:48,569 --> 00:21:50,862 let's do the bit we agreed to. 606 00:21:50,862 --> 00:21:52,385 - You're not forgetting to mention 607 00:21:52,385 --> 00:21:53,746 that I'm on the piano, are you? 608 00:21:53,746 --> 00:21:55,673 - Don't worry, you'll get a mention. 609 00:21:55,673 --> 00:21:57,382 - What am I actually supposed to be doing 610 00:21:57,382 --> 00:21:58,938 during this scene? 611 00:21:58,938 --> 00:22:00,046 - You're supposed to be having 612 00:22:00,046 --> 00:22:02,748 a sophisticated conversation with your partner. 613 00:22:02,748 --> 00:22:05,323 (glasses tinkling) (audience laughs) 614 00:22:05,323 --> 00:22:06,906 - Not an easy task. 615 00:22:07,783 --> 00:22:09,353 - Mr. Spooner, get that microphone 616 00:22:09,353 --> 00:22:11,340 and tie it onto the end of a pole or something 617 00:22:11,340 --> 00:22:13,219 and dangle it over me. 618 00:22:13,219 --> 00:22:15,885 I think some of these words are going missing. 619 00:22:15,885 --> 00:22:18,339 Right, now then, don't forget to switch the motor on 620 00:22:18,339 --> 00:22:19,992 as soon as I wave my hand. 621 00:22:19,992 --> 00:22:22,242 We'll take it from Norfolk. 622 00:22:23,675 --> 00:22:27,876 - Would the gentleman prefer the leg or the breast? 623 00:22:27,876 --> 00:22:28,979 - I'd like a bit of both, 624 00:22:28,979 --> 00:22:32,583 but my friend prefers the parson's nose. 625 00:22:32,583 --> 00:22:35,824 - I shall be performing Night and Day on the piano. 626 00:22:35,824 --> 00:22:38,624 By the way, my name is Stephen Peacock. 627 00:22:38,624 --> 00:22:39,934 - Of course. 628 00:22:39,934 --> 00:22:42,034 And where is all this happening? 629 00:22:42,034 --> 00:22:45,772 It as at Grace Brothers in the High Street, 630 00:22:45,772 --> 00:22:49,522 on the fourth floor, from 7:30 'til midnight. 631 00:22:50,677 --> 00:22:51,868 Cut! 632 00:22:51,868 --> 00:22:52,899 - Well, what about this table? 633 00:22:52,899 --> 00:22:54,042 You haven't done us yet. 634 00:22:54,042 --> 00:22:55,267 - Haven't got time for that. 635 00:22:55,267 --> 00:22:57,394 The whole thing's only going to last 30 seconds. 636 00:22:57,394 --> 00:22:59,039 - Do we get to eat this chicken now? 637 00:22:59,039 --> 00:22:59,872 I'm starved. 638 00:22:59,872 --> 00:23:02,872 - Yes, come on, pull up your chairs. 639 00:23:03,912 --> 00:23:05,779 - Did your mother cook this, Humphries? 640 00:23:05,779 --> 00:23:07,504 - I got it from the hotel around the corner. 641 00:23:07,504 --> 00:23:09,590 - Aren't they generous? 642 00:23:09,590 --> 00:23:10,773 - I sent the bill to you. 643 00:23:10,773 --> 00:23:11,837 (audience laughs) 644 00:23:11,837 --> 00:23:12,670 - I hope this works. 645 00:23:12,670 --> 00:23:13,767 I don't think I could account 646 00:23:13,767 --> 00:23:15,904 for another 20 quid going astray. 647 00:23:15,904 --> 00:23:17,953 - Now, who's for the parson's nose? 648 00:23:17,953 --> 00:23:19,960 (audience laughs) 649 00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:21,435 (glasses tinkling) 650 00:23:21,435 --> 00:23:24,298 (registers dinging) 651 00:23:24,298 --> 00:23:26,312 - We'll miss our commercial. 652 00:23:26,312 --> 00:23:28,622 - This cinema wasn't easy to find. 653 00:23:28,622 --> 00:23:30,064 - I tried to see what was showing, 654 00:23:30,064 --> 00:23:33,228 but someone's put stickers all over the posters. 655 00:23:33,228 --> 00:23:37,395 - Well, I expect they get a lot of vandals 'round here. 656 00:23:38,618 --> 00:23:40,708 - It's alright, I've got their tickets. 657 00:23:40,708 --> 00:23:41,851 Quick. 658 00:23:41,851 --> 00:23:43,360 - What's showing? 659 00:23:43,360 --> 00:23:45,503 - Last week it was Mrs. Miniver. 660 00:23:45,503 --> 00:23:48,539 I cried so much all me mascara ran. 661 00:23:48,539 --> 00:23:49,605 - What is it this week? 662 00:23:49,605 --> 00:23:50,438 - I don't know. 663 00:23:50,438 --> 00:23:51,456 It's something in French. 664 00:23:51,456 --> 00:23:52,892 Anyway the big picture's nearly finished 665 00:23:52,892 --> 00:23:53,994 and the manager says he's going to 666 00:23:53,994 --> 00:23:55,728 put our commercial on first. 667 00:23:55,728 --> 00:23:57,311 Come on, follow me. 668 00:23:59,085 --> 00:24:02,752 (dramatic orchestral music) 669 00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:08,977 - [Mrs. Slocombe] I'm looking for what to eat. 670 00:24:08,977 --> 00:24:10,163 - Do you mean it hasn't been on yet? 671 00:24:10,163 --> 00:24:11,799 - No, they had a bit of trouble with their equipment 672 00:24:11,799 --> 00:24:15,466 they lost the picture, but it's alright now. 673 00:24:28,134 --> 00:24:29,771 (hand slaps) 674 00:24:29,771 --> 00:24:32,604 (audience laughs) 675 00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:51,087 (film speaking in foreign language) 676 00:24:54,476 --> 00:24:56,190 - Have they just got married? 677 00:24:56,190 --> 00:25:00,357 - Just met by a lake, I think he's been in prison. 678 00:25:01,416 --> 00:25:03,220 - For quite a long time. 679 00:25:03,220 --> 00:25:06,053 (audience laughs) 680 00:25:07,510 --> 00:25:10,283 - They're taking their clothes off! 681 00:25:10,283 --> 00:25:12,859 - Well, it looks a bit cold for a swim. 682 00:25:12,859 --> 00:25:15,267 - I don't think he's going in for a swim. 683 00:25:15,267 --> 00:25:17,934 - No, they haven't got costumes. 684 00:25:19,808 --> 00:25:21,806 - Mrs. Slocombe, how would you and Miss Brahms 685 00:25:21,806 --> 00:25:23,189 like to pop out for some sweets? 686 00:25:23,189 --> 00:25:25,315 Be quite a time before this finishes. 687 00:25:25,315 --> 00:25:27,152 - I don't want any sweets. 688 00:25:27,152 --> 00:25:29,735 (film moaning) 689 00:25:40,527 --> 00:25:43,360 (audience laughs) 690 00:25:46,079 --> 00:25:48,921 - I said they wasn't going swimming. 691 00:25:48,921 --> 00:25:50,512 (audience laughs) 692 00:25:50,512 --> 00:25:51,540 - You sure this is the sort of cinema 693 00:25:51,540 --> 00:25:53,126 we should advertise in? 694 00:25:53,126 --> 00:25:55,538 - Of course it is, they show everything here. 695 00:25:55,538 --> 00:25:57,674 - You can say that again. 696 00:25:57,674 --> 00:26:00,084 - Next week, it's Bambi. 697 00:26:00,084 --> 00:26:01,644 - [Announcer] The next film will continue 698 00:26:01,644 --> 00:26:03,646 after the commercial. 699 00:26:03,646 --> 00:26:07,037 - That's the manager, I'm on now. 700 00:26:07,037 --> 00:26:08,468 - Where's the picture? 701 00:26:08,468 --> 00:26:09,899 Where's the picture? 702 00:26:09,899 --> 00:26:11,414 - [Announcer] Due to a technical fault, 703 00:26:11,414 --> 00:26:15,867 we have no picture but we are trying to rectify this. 704 00:26:15,867 --> 00:26:18,074 - I realize now that a glee club singing 705 00:26:18,074 --> 00:26:19,387 All Things Bright and Beautiful 706 00:26:19,387 --> 00:26:21,144 would have been by far the best. 707 00:26:21,144 --> 00:26:22,394 - [Patron] Shh! 708 00:26:23,629 --> 00:26:27,467 - [Pierre] Good evening and welcome to Club Rendezvous. 709 00:26:27,467 --> 00:26:30,692 I am Pierre from Paris, and this is Betty, 710 00:26:30,692 --> 00:26:33,758 our glamorous hostess for the evening. 711 00:26:33,758 --> 00:26:35,516 - [Betty] Bonsoir. 712 00:26:35,516 --> 00:26:39,110 - [Pierre] Helping her is the lovely Shirley. 713 00:26:39,110 --> 00:26:40,255 - [Shirley] Hello. 714 00:26:40,255 --> 00:26:44,215 I'll take everything down when you decide what you want. 715 00:26:44,215 --> 00:26:45,048 - Here! 716 00:26:45,048 --> 00:26:46,339 Get that picture back! 717 00:26:46,339 --> 00:26:48,098 We wanna have a look. 718 00:26:48,098 --> 00:26:50,592 - [Pierre] Although what we have to offer is limited 719 00:26:50,592 --> 00:26:52,833 we're sure you will enjoy it. 720 00:26:52,833 --> 00:26:55,285 Now sir, what would you like to start with? 721 00:26:55,285 --> 00:26:57,119 - [Beverley] What have you got? 722 00:26:57,119 --> 00:27:00,661 - Well, for starters Meat Patty Avocado. 723 00:27:00,661 --> 00:27:01,971 - Patty Avocado? 724 00:27:01,971 --> 00:27:03,767 South American crumpet! 725 00:27:03,767 --> 00:27:07,083 - Here, sounds the kinda club we'd like. 726 00:27:07,083 --> 00:27:08,600 - [Beverley] That's a nice big pear. 727 00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:10,191 Can I have a feel? 728 00:27:10,191 --> 00:27:12,358 - [Shirley] Help yourself. 729 00:27:13,490 --> 00:27:15,984 - [Beverley] My word, that'll do nicely. 730 00:27:15,984 --> 00:27:18,689 - [Betty] With or without dressing? 731 00:27:18,689 --> 00:27:20,080 - [Beverley] Without, please. 732 00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:22,075 - Naughty boy. 733 00:27:22,075 --> 00:27:23,384 - [Pierre] Betty, our hostess, 734 00:27:23,384 --> 00:27:27,255 would like to show you her speciality. 735 00:27:27,255 --> 00:27:31,422 Please show the gentlemen what you've got under there. 736 00:27:32,383 --> 00:27:33,813 - [Beverley] What a whopper. 737 00:27:33,813 --> 00:27:36,704 That bird's big enough for the whole table. 738 00:27:36,704 --> 00:27:40,285 - [Betty] Would the gentleman like the leg or the breast? 739 00:27:40,285 --> 00:27:42,406 (audience laughs) 740 00:27:42,406 --> 00:27:43,838 - [Beverley] I'd like a bit of both. 741 00:27:43,838 --> 00:27:45,647 But my friend prefers the parson's nose. 742 00:27:45,647 --> 00:27:46,871 (audience laughs) 743 00:27:46,871 --> 00:27:48,747 - Here, where is this place? 744 00:27:48,747 --> 00:27:50,020 I gotta go. 745 00:27:50,020 --> 00:27:53,414 - Me too, I'd like to know what else goes on there. 746 00:27:53,414 --> 00:27:54,270 - I shall be performing 747 00:27:54,270 --> 00:27:55,900 Night and Day on the piano. 748 00:27:55,900 --> 00:27:56,799 (audience laughs) 749 00:27:56,799 --> 00:27:58,552 By the way my name is Stephen Peacock. 750 00:27:58,552 --> 00:27:59,385 Oh my god. 751 00:28:00,380 --> 00:28:03,319 - [Pierre] Where is all this happening? 752 00:28:03,319 --> 00:28:06,270 Make a note of this address. 753 00:28:06,270 --> 00:28:09,301 ♫ All things bright and beautiful 754 00:28:09,301 --> 00:28:12,118 ♫ All creatures great and small 755 00:28:12,118 --> 00:28:14,863 ♫ All things wise and wonderful 756 00:28:14,863 --> 00:28:17,156 (audience applauds) 757 00:28:17,156 --> 00:28:18,827 - [Lift Girl] Ground floor perfumery, stationery 758 00:28:18,827 --> 00:28:20,785 and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery 759 00:28:20,785 --> 00:28:23,077 kitchenware and food, going up. 760 00:28:23,077 --> 00:28:25,660 (upbeat music) 761 00:28:28,262 --> 00:28:31,126 First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits, 762 00:28:31,126 --> 00:28:34,627 shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes, going up. 763 00:28:34,627 --> 00:28:37,210 (upbeat music) 764 00:28:39,935 --> 00:28:42,645 Second floor carpets, travel goods and bedding, 765 00:28:42,645 --> 00:28:45,536 material, soft furnishings, restaurant and teas. 766 00:28:45,536 --> 00:28:46,369 Going down! 767 00:28:46,369 --> 00:28:48,952 (upbeat music) 768 00:28:51,408 --> 00:28:54,313 First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits, 769 00:28:54,313 --> 00:28:57,696 shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes, going up. 770 00:28:57,696 --> 00:29:00,279 (upbeat music) 771 00:29:03,209 --> 00:29:05,871 Ground floor perfumery, stationery and leather goods, 772 00:29:05,871 --> 00:29:08,868 wigs and haberdashery kitchenware and food, going up. 773 00:29:08,868 --> 00:29:11,451 (upbeat music) 55578

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.