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1
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_
2
00:00:02,312 --> 00:00:05,049
(inhales deeply) Ah, the lunchroom...
3
00:00:05,081 --> 00:00:08,251
where the natural order of
a school is put on display.
4
00:00:08,285 --> 00:00:11,220
For it is here that
everything has its place.
5
00:00:11,253 --> 00:00:13,823
At the head table are the
kings of the lunchroom...
6
00:00:13,856 --> 00:00:15,625
the football players.
7
00:00:15,658 --> 00:00:19,429
They've already gotten more
blowjobs than we'll ever get.
8
00:00:20,036 --> 00:00:21,899
_
9
00:00:21,931 --> 00:00:23,499
The cheerleaders are next.
10
00:00:23,533 --> 00:00:26,437
Upon graduation,
they will shed their pom-poms
11
00:00:26,469 --> 00:00:28,672
and emerge as dental hygienists.
12
00:00:28,705 --> 00:00:30,607
Next, it's the drama kids.
13
00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:33,811
SNOT: Ugh, so gross that they're
always touching each other.
14
00:00:33,843 --> 00:00:36,980
Then the Goth kids,
guys with no personality
15
00:00:37,013 --> 00:00:38,815
who always wear basketball shorts,
16
00:00:38,849 --> 00:00:40,650
the robots pretending to be kids.
17
00:00:40,684 --> 00:00:44,153
Then it's the dweebs,
the nerds, the dorks,
18
00:00:44,187 --> 00:00:47,424
Bolivian kids, and, finally,
we arrive at our table.
19
00:00:47,456 --> 00:00:49,692
- (gasps)
- Hey, that's not us!
20
00:00:49,726 --> 00:00:52,162
Excuse me, gentlemen, this is our table.
21
00:00:52,194 --> 00:00:55,131
Oh, really? And what group are you guys?
22
00:00:55,165 --> 00:00:57,101
We are...
23
00:00:57,133 --> 00:00:59,602
uh... uh...
24
00:00:59,635 --> 00:01:01,705
That's what I thought. From now on,
25
00:01:01,738 --> 00:01:05,542
this table belongs to
the left-handed kids.
26
00:01:05,575 --> 00:01:06,844
We don't have a thing.
27
00:01:06,876 --> 00:01:08,156
We don't have a table!
28
00:01:08,156 --> 00:01:09,846
- We...
- (tray clatters)
29
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No-o-o-o-o-o!
30
00:01:13,273 --> 00:01:15,243
Hey, man. Would you like to join us
31
00:01:15,278 --> 00:01:17,775
over at the table for kids
who overreact to things?
32
00:01:17,810 --> 00:01:19,155
- Really?
- Psych!
33
00:01:19,188 --> 00:01:23,026
We're the little stinker table,
and you've just been goofed!
34
00:01:23,060 --> 00:01:25,729
(laughter)
35
00:01:25,762 --> 00:01:28,465
36
00:01:28,737 --> 00:01:31,140
Good morning, U.S.A.
37
00:01:31,174 --> 00:01:34,978
I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day
38
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The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face
39
00:01:38,148 --> 00:01:42,485
And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race
40
00:01:44,353 --> 00:01:47,790
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
41
00:01:47,824 --> 00:01:50,294
-
Good...
-
Good morning, U.S.A.
42
00:01:50,327 --> 00:01:51,328
Aah!
43
00:01:52,696 --> 00:01:55,999
Good morning, U.S.A.
44
00:01:56,032 --> 00:01:58,802
Come on, Steve.
There's got to be a place we can eat.
45
00:01:58,835 --> 00:02:01,137
Oh, how about where the kid
who died had his locker?
46
00:02:01,171 --> 00:02:02,806
That hallway's haunted.
47
00:02:02,838 --> 00:02:05,275
The kids who do those
ghost-hunters YouTubes
48
00:02:05,308 --> 00:02:08,145
are devoting an entire webisode to it.
49
00:02:08,177 --> 00:02:11,113
I think I heard something.
Do you feel a presence?
50
00:02:11,147 --> 00:02:13,150
Yes, it was definitely a ghost.
51
00:02:13,182 --> 00:02:15,618
He peed all over my pants.
52
00:02:15,652 --> 00:02:17,321
This isn't just about where we eat,
53
00:02:17,354 --> 00:02:19,356
it's about what holds us together.
54
00:02:19,389 --> 00:02:20,657
What's our brand?
55
00:02:20,689 --> 00:02:22,925
Snot, you're poor.
56
00:02:22,958 --> 00:02:24,194
None of us are poor.
57
00:02:24,226 --> 00:02:25,861
Toshi's Japanese.
58
00:02:25,895 --> 00:02:27,196
None of us are even Asian.
59
00:02:27,230 --> 00:02:28,432
A-And, Barry...
60
00:02:28,464 --> 00:02:30,033
(munching)
61
00:02:30,065 --> 00:02:32,201
Barry has a true warmth of heart
62
00:02:32,235 --> 00:02:34,022
that none of us can come close to.
63
00:02:34,022 --> 00:02:36,440
Thanks for not saying "fat."
64
00:02:36,473 --> 00:02:38,508
Watch where you're going, loser.
65
00:02:38,540 --> 00:02:41,811
Hey, that could be our thing...
we're all losers!
66
00:02:41,844 --> 00:02:45,047
No way! He's a loser, you're a dumb-ass,
67
00:02:45,081 --> 00:02:47,718
he's a bum,
and he's from somewhere else.
68
00:02:47,750 --> 00:02:49,452
The only thing you guys have in common
69
00:02:49,486 --> 00:02:51,955
is that you're asses
are about to be grasses.
70
00:02:51,987 --> 00:02:53,223
(screams)
71
00:02:53,255 --> 00:02:55,157
Get those unrelated kids!
72
00:02:55,190 --> 00:02:57,760
73
00:02:59,978 --> 00:03:02,369
_
74
00:03:03,332 --> 00:03:05,401
(exhales deeply)
75
00:03:05,434 --> 00:03:08,938
(eerie music box music plays)
76
00:03:11,574 --> 00:03:13,543
MAN: Go away! We're closed!
77
00:03:13,575 --> 00:03:15,038
I-I'm sorry. I-I just need...
78
00:03:15,038 --> 00:03:16,679
Didn't you hear me?! Oh, hey, Steve.
79
00:03:16,712 --> 00:03:17,619
Roger?
80
00:03:17,619 --> 00:03:20,249
The name's Twanderlust Lumpkin.
81
00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:22,987
And this is my house of curiosities.
82
00:03:23,030 --> 00:03:26,265
Why did you open this weird shop
full of stuff no one would ever want?
83
00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:27,701
Hey, you're the one who came in here.
84
00:03:27,993 --> 00:03:29,629
I was running from bullies.
85
00:03:29,663 --> 00:03:31,364
W-What's that smell?
86
00:03:31,397 --> 00:03:32,932
Mold!
87
00:03:32,965 --> 00:03:34,568
So, bullies, huh?
88
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:36,302
Maybe you could use
something from my shop.
89
00:03:36,336 --> 00:03:37,904
Let's see.
90
00:03:37,937 --> 00:03:39,973
This thing looks like a
big shield or something.
91
00:03:40,005 --> 00:03:43,142
Maybe that would help to,
like, block stuff.
92
00:03:43,176 --> 00:03:46,747
Um, and this is some sort
of pewter dragon statue.
93
00:03:46,779 --> 00:03:49,449
You could... throw it at 'em?
94
00:03:49,481 --> 00:03:50,916
What is this stuff?
95
00:03:51,817 --> 00:03:52,952
What's this book?
96
00:03:52,986 --> 00:03:54,788
- (eerie music plays)
- No!
97
00:03:54,820 --> 00:03:56,556
- (music stops)
- This book is not for you!
98
00:03:56,588 --> 00:03:59,792
In it are contained all the
solutions to your problems.
99
00:03:59,826 --> 00:04:03,063
With it, every fear you've
ever had would melt away.
100
00:04:03,095 --> 00:04:06,099
Hopes would be fulfilled.
Dreams would become reality.
101
00:04:06,131 --> 00:04:08,334
Growers will become showers.
102
00:04:08,368 --> 00:04:11,071
You do not want this book.
103
00:04:11,104 --> 00:04:12,339
(cellphone chimes)
104
00:04:12,372 --> 00:04:14,574
Oh, my meatball hoagie's
ready next door.
105
00:04:14,606 --> 00:04:16,075
The sandwiches are meh,
106
00:04:16,108 --> 00:04:18,205
but the cutest guy named
Prescott makes them.
107
00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:19,656
I'm totally crushing on him.
108
00:04:19,656 --> 00:04:22,682
Right now, I'm playing it cool,
just making little jokes like,
109
00:04:22,716 --> 00:04:25,185
"The clam chowder looks
like a bowl of sperms."
110
00:04:25,217 --> 00:04:28,821
Do you think I'm being too coy,
or should I turn up the heat?
111
00:04:28,854 --> 00:04:30,356
- (door opens)
- While I'm gone,
112
00:04:30,390 --> 00:04:32,159
don't think about that book, Steve.
113
00:04:32,192 --> 00:04:35,762
Don't... think... about...
114
00:04:35,794 --> 00:04:38,965
that... byook.
115
00:04:41,633 --> 00:04:44,895
(music resumes)
116
00:04:44,895 --> 00:04:46,907
The Art of Witchcraft.
117
00:04:51,044 --> 00:04:52,712
These pages are blank.
118
00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:55,711
_
119
00:04:56,082 --> 00:04:57,784
(gasps)
120
00:04:57,817 --> 00:04:59,353
(music stops)
121
00:05:00,266 --> 00:05:01,188
Well, I'm back,
122
00:05:01,221 --> 00:05:02,954
and it could not have gone better.
123
00:05:02,954 --> 00:05:05,224
Prescott and I had full and complete sex
124
00:05:05,257 --> 00:05:06,693
beneath the meat slicer.
125
00:05:06,726 --> 00:05:07,827
Steve?
126
00:05:07,861 --> 00:05:09,229
Steve?!
127
00:05:09,262 --> 00:05:10,330
Huh.
128
00:05:10,363 --> 00:05:12,433
Nobody's here to hear my lie.
129
00:05:15,593 --> 00:05:18,897
Mmm. Mom, this is the best
funnel cake I've ever had.
130
00:05:18,969 --> 00:05:20,805
You should sell funnel cakes.
131
00:05:20,839 --> 00:05:22,240
I don't know.
132
00:05:22,274 --> 00:05:23,742
You gots the goods, Ma.
133
00:05:23,774 --> 00:05:24,810
You're right!
134
00:05:24,842 --> 00:05:26,311
I'm gonna do it!
135
00:05:26,344 --> 00:05:29,911
I'm gonna take these funnel cakes
and make something of myself!
136
00:05:29,911 --> 00:05:31,241
Don't tell me what you're talking about,
137
00:05:31,241 --> 00:05:32,596
because I'm going to the hardware store,
138
00:05:32,596 --> 00:05:34,192
and I want no distractions.
139
00:05:34,192 --> 00:05:35,988
Oh, Stan, I'd love to go with you,
140
00:05:36,021 --> 00:05:37,589
but I'm pretty hard
at work on something.
141
00:05:37,622 --> 00:05:38,924
Not interested, Klaus.
142
00:05:38,957 --> 00:05:41,659
Yeah, WXIU's '90s Fest is coming up,
143
00:05:41,692 --> 00:05:43,695
and I'm making a list
of all the '90s bands
144
00:05:43,728 --> 00:05:45,163
I hope might be there.
145
00:05:45,197 --> 00:05:46,999
All the bands from the '90s sucked.
146
00:05:47,031 --> 00:05:48,599
What about Marcy Playground?
147
00:05:48,632 --> 00:05:50,202
Holy crap!
148
00:05:50,235 --> 00:05:52,437
I straight-up forgot
about Marcy Playground!
149
00:05:52,471 --> 00:05:54,106
They sang "Sex and Candy."
150
00:05:54,803 --> 00:05:55,874
Who else is on there?
151
00:05:55,906 --> 00:05:57,942
Offspring, Candlebox!
152
00:05:57,976 --> 00:06:00,846
Oh, man! So many memories.
153
00:06:00,878 --> 00:06:02,347
Two memories.
154
00:06:02,380 --> 00:06:04,816
(insects chirping)
155
00:06:04,849 --> 00:06:07,118
Gentlemen,
our days of being pushed around
156
00:06:07,151 --> 00:06:08,519
have come to an end.
157
00:06:08,553 --> 00:06:10,723
This is a book of magic spells.
158
00:06:10,755 --> 00:06:13,058
I stole it from a weird curio shop.
159
00:06:13,091 --> 00:06:15,060
Steve, magic's not real.
160
00:06:15,092 --> 00:06:17,028
If it was, the Orlando Magic
161
00:06:17,062 --> 00:06:19,064
would have won a championship by now.
162
00:06:19,096 --> 00:06:20,565
Snot, you follow basketball?
163
00:06:20,599 --> 00:06:22,067
I watch the finals.
164
00:06:22,099 --> 00:06:24,469
Listen, all I know is
when I opened the book,
165
00:06:24,502 --> 00:06:26,738
it wrote words in front of my eyes.
166
00:06:26,772 --> 00:06:27,740
Look.
167
00:06:27,772 --> 00:06:30,541
-
- _
168
00:06:30,575 --> 00:06:32,745
- Ooh!
- Whoa!
169
00:06:33,195 --> 00:06:34,821
_
170
00:06:34,856 --> 00:06:37,149
That's right, Tosh!
We've found our brand!
171
00:06:37,182 --> 00:06:38,717
We're gonna be witches!
172
00:06:38,750 --> 00:06:41,252
And I've already picked
out our first spell.
173
00:06:42,421 --> 00:06:45,257
"To return that which has been lost."
174
00:06:45,289 --> 00:06:48,493
The respect people used
to have for air travel!
175
00:06:48,526 --> 00:06:51,262
We used to wear suits, God damn it!
176
00:06:51,296 --> 00:06:52,663
No.
177
00:06:52,697 --> 00:06:55,167
We're gonna get our lunch table back!
178
00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:56,868
I guess it's worth a shot.
179
00:06:59,937 --> 00:07:02,940
Okay, the... the book
doesn't say to hold hands.
180
00:07:02,974 --> 00:07:05,043
But it doesn't say not to.
181
00:07:05,461 --> 00:07:07,945
Goddess of Witches, hear our plea.
182
00:07:07,978 --> 00:07:10,382
We're just four boys in a tree.
183
00:07:10,414 --> 00:07:13,385
Please, Mistress Magic, if you're able,
184
00:07:13,418 --> 00:07:16,855
return to us our luncheon table!
185
00:07:16,887 --> 00:07:18,356
Okay, that's that.
186
00:07:18,389 --> 00:07:20,425
I-I guess we find out
tomorrow if it worked.
187
00:07:20,914 --> 00:07:23,896
BARRY: Oh, no! Our magic didn't work!
188
00:07:23,928 --> 00:07:25,731
It's okay, Steve.
189
00:07:25,764 --> 00:07:28,400
It was a stupid idea anyway.
190
00:07:28,753 --> 00:07:29,874
_
191
00:07:31,969 --> 00:07:34,972
I appreciate you trying to
cast another spell, Tosh,
192
00:07:35,005 --> 00:07:36,741
but it's useless.
193
00:07:38,159 --> 00:07:38,743
_
194
00:07:40,445 --> 00:07:41,613
Hey!
195
00:07:41,646 --> 00:07:43,816
He caught that with his right hand.
196
00:07:43,849 --> 00:07:45,750
What the...
197
00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:51,989
What's happening to me?!
198
00:07:52,022 --> 00:07:54,459
I believe you're sitting at our table.
199
00:07:54,493 --> 00:07:55,827
Who...
200
00:07:55,861 --> 00:07:57,329
Who are you?
201
00:07:57,361 --> 00:07:59,297
We're witches.
202
00:07:59,330 --> 00:08:01,833
(screaming)
203
00:08:02,438 --> 00:08:03,307
_
204
00:08:04,435 --> 00:08:05,803
(sniffs)
205
00:08:05,837 --> 00:08:07,339
Witchcraft.
206
00:08:07,372 --> 00:08:09,875
The dread hour is upon us.
207
00:08:13,822 --> 00:08:15,848
Time to hunt.
208
00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:18,183
Is that a half-eaten
roll of raw cookie dough?
209
00:08:18,486 --> 00:08:19,785
What was going on with me
210
00:08:19,817 --> 00:08:22,620
last time I was on this
witch-hunter's cabinet?
211
00:08:25,358 --> 00:08:27,861
I got to admit, Steve,
I didn't think becoming
212
00:08:27,894 --> 00:08:30,496
a boy witch would be so
immediately rewarding.
213
00:08:30,529 --> 00:08:32,131
Now that we know it works,
214
00:08:32,164 --> 00:08:35,202
the only question is,
what spell do we cast next?
215
00:08:36,502 --> 00:08:38,805
Here's a spell to give someone warts.
216
00:08:38,838 --> 00:08:41,174
Here's a spell that cures all cancer.
217
00:08:41,207 --> 00:08:43,010
Hmm. The boys at Big Pharma
218
00:08:43,043 --> 00:08:46,080
would not be happy if this
little secret got out.
219
00:08:46,112 --> 00:08:48,881
Whoa. Check out the back section...
220
00:08:48,914 --> 00:08:50,183
Blood Magic!
221
00:08:50,217 --> 00:08:51,919
These spells are really dark.
222
00:08:51,952 --> 00:08:54,654
This one just says "Pure Evil."
223
00:08:54,688 --> 00:08:57,356
"Annal nathrak uthvas"...
224
00:08:57,390 --> 00:08:58,859
(wind howls)
225
00:08:58,891 --> 00:09:02,161
(screaming)
226
00:09:02,194 --> 00:09:04,330
I don't like Blood Magic!
227
00:09:04,364 --> 00:09:07,234
Yeah, Steve. Maybe we shouldn't
mess with any of this.
228
00:09:07,266 --> 00:09:10,036
What if we agree to take
Blood Magic off the table
229
00:09:10,069 --> 00:09:12,705
and only use our powers to help people?
230
00:09:12,739 --> 00:09:14,541
We'll be good boy witches.
231
00:09:14,573 --> 00:09:17,712
(Steve Miller Band's
"Abracadabra" plays)
232
00:09:22,915 --> 00:09:24,250
I heat up
233
00:09:24,284 --> 00:09:26,720
I can't cool down
234
00:09:26,752 --> 00:09:28,354
Got me spinning
235
00:09:28,388 --> 00:09:30,524
-
Around and round
- So cool. So confident.
236
00:09:30,557 --> 00:09:33,038
Why can't you be confident like that?!
237
00:09:33,038 --> 00:09:35,057
That's what I want for you!
238
00:09:35,057 --> 00:09:37,548
You have so much...
239
00:09:37,548 --> 00:09:39,519
potential!
240
00:09:39,519 --> 00:09:41,901
You call my name
241
00:09:41,934 --> 00:09:45,606
I heat up like a burning flame
242
00:09:45,639 --> 00:09:47,207
Burning flame
243
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:49,143
Full of desire
244
00:09:49,175 --> 00:09:50,643
Kiss me, baby
245
00:09:50,677 --> 00:09:52,223
Let the fire get higher
246
00:09:52,223 --> 00:09:56,949
Abra, abracadabra
247
00:09:56,982 --> 00:09:59,752
I wanna reach out and grab ya
248
00:09:59,785 --> 00:10:05,125
Abra, abracadabra
249
00:10:05,158 --> 00:10:08,162
Abracadabra
250
00:10:08,194 --> 00:10:09,762
You make me hot
251
00:10:09,795 --> 00:10:12,131
You make me sigh
252
00:10:12,164 --> 00:10:13,599
-
You make me laugh
- _
253
00:10:13,632 --> 00:10:15,968
You make me cry
254
00:10:16,001 --> 00:10:19,806
Keep me burning for your love
255
00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:22,776
-
With the touch of a velvet glove
- _
256
00:10:22,808 --> 00:10:27,014
Abra, abracadabra
257
00:10:27,047 --> 00:10:30,250
I wanna reach out and grab ya
258
00:10:30,283 --> 00:10:32,419
Abra, abracadabra
259
00:10:32,452 --> 00:10:34,822
(urinating)
260
00:10:35,434 --> 00:10:37,157
_
261
00:10:37,189 --> 00:10:39,525
It sure has, Toshi, my friend.
262
00:10:39,558 --> 00:10:42,129
Hey! I understand Tosh!
263
00:10:43,025 --> 00:10:47,688
_
264
00:10:48,088 --> 00:10:51,516
_
265
00:10:52,005 --> 00:10:53,207
Oh.
266
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:55,543
Cool.
267
00:10:57,910 --> 00:11:02,115
Boys, I think it's time to upgrade
our position in the lunchroom.
268
00:11:02,148 --> 00:11:03,817
But we just got our table back.
269
00:11:03,850 --> 00:11:05,853
Yeah, but we're witches now.
270
00:11:05,885 --> 00:11:08,222
We shouldn't be sitting at the
worst table in the cafet...
271
00:11:08,255 --> 00:11:09,689
Worst table?!
272
00:11:09,722 --> 00:11:12,525
It's right by the garbage
and the bathrooms!
273
00:11:12,558 --> 00:11:15,127
What is wrong with you?
274
00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:15,896
(laughter)
275
00:11:15,896 --> 00:11:18,731
Marshall, my good man.
How's your day going?
276
00:11:18,765 --> 00:11:20,634
Can I hook you guys up
with some butterflies?
277
00:11:20,667 --> 00:11:23,637
Dude, you have 10 seconds to get
the heck away from this table.
278
00:11:23,669 --> 00:11:26,707
Marsh, it's good. We're witches now.
279
00:11:26,740 --> 00:11:28,207
You know the old saying...
280
00:11:28,241 --> 00:11:31,077
quarterbacks, witches,
the rest be bitches.
281
00:11:31,111 --> 00:11:32,940
(chuckles) All right, squeeze it in.
282
00:11:32,940 --> 00:11:34,533
Nothing wrong with a
little thigh to thigh.
283
00:11:34,533 --> 00:11:36,529
There aren't enough
butterflies in the world
284
00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:38,385
to make you cool enough to sit with us.
285
00:11:38,418 --> 00:11:42,656
In fact, there's fewer and fewer
butterflies every year, nerd!
286
00:11:42,688 --> 00:11:44,857
(laughter)
287
00:11:44,890 --> 00:11:47,159
Embarrass me in front of everyone.
288
00:11:47,193 --> 00:11:50,029
He'll pay for this. Stupid Marshall.
289
00:11:50,063 --> 00:11:52,832
He's not stupid, Steve.
290
00:11:52,866 --> 00:11:54,835
He's the Federation
of Christian Athletes'
291
00:11:54,867 --> 00:11:57,103
Scholar Baller of the Month.
292
00:11:57,136 --> 00:11:59,705
Don't you listen to the announcements?
293
00:11:59,739 --> 00:12:03,243
Hello, pod listeners.
This is our brand-new podcast
294
00:12:03,275 --> 00:12:05,444
where we remember bands from the '90s.
295
00:12:05,477 --> 00:12:07,347
That's right...
Billy C. was in the White House,
296
00:12:07,380 --> 00:12:10,449
Frasier packed up his stuff
and moved from Beantown to Seattle,
297
00:12:10,482 --> 00:12:13,219
and no one could escape
the sounds of bands like...
298
00:12:13,252 --> 00:12:15,254
- Better Than Ezra.
- Cowboy Junkies.
299
00:12:15,288 --> 00:12:17,356
- Spin Doctors.
- Toad the Wet Sprocket.
300
00:12:17,390 --> 00:12:18,617
- Hey, Stan?
- Yeah, Klaus?
301
00:12:18,617 --> 00:12:20,928
Who would you say is
your favorite '90s band
302
00:12:20,961 --> 00:12:23,764
to remember with the word
"soul" in their name?
303
00:12:23,797 --> 00:12:26,266
Asylum, Coughing, or Collective?
304
00:12:26,299 --> 00:12:28,702
Easy, Collective. Collective Soul.
305
00:12:28,735 --> 00:12:32,239
I love remembering Collective Soul.
306
00:12:34,441 --> 00:12:36,576
(twinkles)
307
00:12:36,608 --> 00:12:38,210
What's up, my witches?
308
00:12:38,244 --> 00:12:39,646
What happened to your hair?
309
00:12:39,678 --> 00:12:42,082
- And why are you with him?
- Oh, Marshall?
310
00:12:42,115 --> 00:12:44,217
He decided to quit football
and become a boy witch.
311
00:12:44,250 --> 00:12:47,453
I realized I wanted to be a cool witch,
312
00:12:47,486 --> 00:12:49,121
like Steve, my master.
313
00:12:49,154 --> 00:12:50,624
See? Nothing weird.
314
00:12:50,656 --> 00:12:53,793
When did Marshall's eyes
get milky, like a blind guy?
315
00:12:53,827 --> 00:12:56,296
You used Blood Magic on him!
316
00:12:56,328 --> 00:12:58,332
You broke our hold-hand promise!
317
00:12:58,365 --> 00:12:59,306
What's wrong with you?!
318
00:12:59,306 --> 00:13:02,836
Marshall disrespected us,
and I taught him some respect.
319
00:13:02,869 --> 00:13:04,303
We should be running this school.
320
00:13:04,337 --> 00:13:06,065
We should be running this whole town.
321
00:13:06,065 --> 00:13:07,940
You're out of control, Steve.
322
00:13:07,973 --> 00:13:11,110
We only got into this so
we'd have a place to eat.
323
00:13:11,144 --> 00:13:12,479
Place to eat?!
324
00:13:12,511 --> 00:13:14,080
We should be able to
eat wherever we want
325
00:13:14,114 --> 00:13:15,682
and however we want.
326
00:13:15,715 --> 00:13:17,284
Marshall, churro!
327
00:13:17,317 --> 00:13:20,587
(munching)
328
00:13:20,620 --> 00:13:22,022
Ahh.
329
00:13:22,054 --> 00:13:24,156
We could have the whole
town chewing our food.
330
00:13:24,189 --> 00:13:26,826
Steve, if you don't stop this right now,
331
00:13:26,860 --> 00:13:29,763
we will force you to stop.
332
00:13:29,795 --> 00:13:33,467
You can stop me,
but you got to stop Marshall first.
333
00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:35,137
Bye-bye, boys.
334
00:13:37,303 --> 00:13:39,039
(growls)
335
00:13:39,072 --> 00:13:41,942
(breathing heavily)
336
00:13:41,975 --> 00:13:43,877
(gasps)
337
00:13:43,909 --> 00:13:45,011
(body thuds)
338
00:13:45,044 --> 00:13:47,447
Pretty cool, huh?
339
00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:49,549
On one hand, thank you.
340
00:13:49,582 --> 00:13:52,552
On the other,
you just murdered a student!
341
00:13:52,584 --> 00:13:53,953
That wasn't a student.
342
00:13:53,986 --> 00:13:56,722
That was a zombie
created by Blood Magic!
343
00:13:56,755 --> 00:13:59,892
I know, for I am
of a line of witch hunters
344
00:13:59,925 --> 00:14:01,994
entrusted to protect this school.
345
00:14:02,028 --> 00:14:04,331
I'll find whoever made this demon.
346
00:14:04,364 --> 00:14:07,701
And when I do,
I'm gonna crossbow his ass.
347
00:14:07,733 --> 00:14:09,902
If you want to keep
your asses uncrossbowed,
348
00:14:09,935 --> 00:14:15,408
you stay away from Blood Magic,
'cause Blood Magic is dud magic.
349
00:14:15,442 --> 00:14:17,878
- (poignant music plays)
- _
350
00:14:21,548 --> 00:14:22,436
Oh, my God!
351
00:14:22,436 --> 00:14:25,852
We got to find Steve before Lewis does.
352
00:14:28,986 --> 00:14:31,424
Alert the Federation
of Christian Athletes.
353
00:14:31,457 --> 00:14:35,761
Their Scholar Baller is dead.
354
00:14:35,794 --> 00:14:38,731
- (thunder crashes)
- LORD DARKMORE: Marshall is no more.
355
00:14:38,765 --> 00:14:41,234
We must find a successor.
356
00:14:41,266 --> 00:14:45,404
And, guys, please be open
to defensive players.
357
00:14:45,438 --> 00:14:48,574
They don't all have to be quarterbacks.
358
00:14:49,393 --> 00:14:52,898
359
00:14:52,931 --> 00:14:55,567
Hey, no kids! Go away! Read the sign!
360
00:14:55,761 --> 00:14:57,068
_
361
00:14:57,201 --> 00:15:00,505
Actually, we have a friend
that came in here recently.
362
00:15:00,538 --> 00:15:02,473
His name is Steve Smith.
363
00:15:02,871 --> 00:15:04,309
_
364
00:15:04,341 --> 00:15:06,978
Impossible! If that book
were missing, I'd know.
365
00:15:07,012 --> 00:15:09,148
It's the shop's most priceless item.
366
00:15:09,181 --> 00:15:10,883
That's why I keep it
in the most visible...
367
00:15:10,916 --> 00:15:12,251
(gasps)
368
00:15:12,283 --> 00:15:14,085
Wha... how?! It's gone!
369
00:15:14,119 --> 00:15:17,056
Oh, no! Now I have nothing
to put on this podium!
370
00:15:17,089 --> 00:15:19,425
Wait. The pewter dragon!
371
00:15:19,457 --> 00:15:21,225
Perfect. Problem solved.
372
00:15:21,258 --> 00:15:22,661
(clangs)
373
00:15:22,694 --> 00:15:24,563
(sighs) That was the dragon, wasn't it?
374
00:15:24,595 --> 00:15:26,999
We used the book, and it worked.
375
00:15:27,032 --> 00:15:30,035
But then all the power went
straight to Steve's head.
376
00:15:30,067 --> 00:15:31,769
When you're older, I'll show you where
377
00:15:31,802 --> 00:15:33,838
all the power goes straight to on me.
378
00:15:33,872 --> 00:15:36,442
Sorry, I-I interrupted you.
Please continue.
379
00:15:36,475 --> 00:15:38,844
Anyway, simple magic wasn't enough,
380
00:15:38,877 --> 00:15:41,547
and Steve turned to using Blood Magic.
381
00:15:41,580 --> 00:15:44,917
Aw, crap! The guy
I franchised this place from
382
00:15:44,950 --> 00:15:47,853
said he's yank my franchise
if I ever let anyone use
383
00:15:47,885 --> 00:15:49,887
Blood Magic in this franchise.
384
00:15:49,921 --> 00:15:51,590
We got to save my franchise!
385
00:15:51,623 --> 00:15:54,693
He said he was gonna use it
to enslave the whole town!
386
00:15:54,725 --> 00:15:56,928
And we don't even know where he is.
387
00:15:56,961 --> 00:15:58,297
Okay, let's think.
388
00:15:58,330 --> 00:16:01,867
If I were a whole town,
where would I be?
389
00:16:01,899 --> 00:16:03,468
To '90s Fest!
390
00:16:03,502 --> 00:16:06,638
(intense classical music plays)
391
00:16:06,671 --> 00:16:08,907
Who is pumped for '90s Fest?!
392
00:16:08,940 --> 00:16:11,143
- (cheers and applause)
- We're Stan and Klaus.
393
00:16:11,176 --> 00:16:13,744
You know that from our podcast!
394
00:16:13,777 --> 00:16:15,647
(cheers and applause)
395
00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:18,550
The '90s were great!
They had bands like...
396
00:16:18,582 --> 00:16:19,984
Luscious Jackson.
397
00:16:20,018 --> 00:16:21,152
Blind Melon.
398
00:16:21,186 --> 00:16:22,387
Alice in Chains.
399
00:16:22,420 --> 00:16:24,623
Veruca Salt.
400
00:16:24,656 --> 00:16:26,558
None of those bands will be here today.
401
00:16:26,590 --> 00:16:29,393
So let's say the name
of a band that is here!
402
00:16:29,426 --> 00:16:31,729
Semisonic!
403
00:16:31,763 --> 00:16:34,166
(cheers and applause)
404
00:16:34,199 --> 00:16:36,355
- ("Closing Time" begins)
- Okay, you guys go right and look for Steve.
405
00:16:36,355 --> 00:16:38,836
I'll take the left.
Don't dally. We must act fast.
406
00:16:38,869 --> 00:16:40,371
- Right.
- You got it!
407
00:16:42,773 --> 00:16:44,676
Oh, my God.
408
00:16:44,709 --> 00:16:45,978
She did it.
409
00:16:46,010 --> 00:16:47,612
- She said she was gonna do it,
- _
410
00:16:47,646 --> 00:16:50,049
and she went out and did it...
like a boss!
411
00:16:51,850 --> 00:16:55,186
Shit, I got to support.
412
00:16:55,220 --> 00:16:57,622
Closing time
413
00:16:57,656 --> 00:16:59,258
I don't see him!
414
00:16:59,291 --> 00:17:02,594
Old lady of witchcraft,
put air in my scrote
415
00:17:02,627 --> 00:17:08,100
and allow this humble witch
to float, float, float!
416
00:17:08,132 --> 00:17:12,603
Turn all of the lights on
over every boy and every girl
417
00:17:12,637 --> 00:17:13,871
There he is!
418
00:17:13,905 --> 00:17:15,840
It doesn't even look like him!
419
00:17:15,873 --> 00:17:18,176
Blood Magic has taken over!
420
00:17:18,209 --> 00:17:20,811
One last call for alcohol
421
00:17:20,844 --> 00:17:23,581
Hey, man, w-we're trying
to play "Closing Time."
422
00:17:25,417 --> 00:17:26,618
(screaming)
423
00:17:26,650 --> 00:17:28,653
People of Langley,
424
00:17:28,686 --> 00:17:31,790
your lives as you know
them are now over!
425
00:17:31,822 --> 00:17:33,225
Boo!
426
00:17:33,257 --> 00:17:35,793
Put back on whoever sings
"Closing Time"!
427
00:17:35,827 --> 00:17:37,163
(croaks)
428
00:17:38,830 --> 00:17:42,201
It is now closing time on your freedom.
429
00:17:42,234 --> 00:17:44,403
You will all be my slaves.
430
00:17:44,436 --> 00:17:47,371
We have to stop him from casting spells!
431
00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:49,440
_
432
00:17:50,274 --> 00:17:52,043
(magic whooshes)
433
00:17:52,077 --> 00:17:54,380
434
00:17:57,014 --> 00:17:58,984
Who challenges me?!
435
00:17:59,016 --> 00:18:01,052
Don't do this, Steve!
436
00:18:01,086 --> 00:18:03,722
We're good boy witches, remember?
437
00:18:03,754 --> 00:18:05,991
I remember you laughed at me
438
00:18:06,023 --> 00:18:08,659
when I ate churro out of
a quarterback's mouth.
439
00:18:08,693 --> 00:18:09,695
We didn't laugh.
440
00:18:09,727 --> 00:18:11,696
Die!
441
00:18:11,730 --> 00:18:13,532
(snarls)
442
00:18:13,564 --> 00:18:15,566
You may have Blood Magic,
443
00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:19,304
but I'll take our friendship
over that any day.
444
00:18:29,446 --> 00:18:31,483
Die, witches!
445
00:18:33,788 --> 00:18:34,619
I did it.
446
00:18:34,653 --> 00:18:38,090
I killed the guy who cut in front of me
in the funnel cake line.
447
00:18:38,122 --> 00:18:39,924
Oh, and there's Steve.
448
00:18:43,794 --> 00:18:45,196
(grunts)
449
00:18:45,230 --> 00:18:47,967
Check, please.
450
00:18:59,977 --> 00:19:01,712
(soft music plays)
451
00:19:01,745 --> 00:19:03,114
Oh, no. Barry!
452
00:19:04,748 --> 00:19:06,083
What have I done?!
453
00:19:06,117 --> 00:19:07,819
I'm so sorry.
454
00:19:07,851 --> 00:19:10,288
(sobs)
455
00:19:10,321 --> 00:19:12,456
ROGER: There is one way.
456
00:19:12,490 --> 00:19:14,126
- What?
- Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.
457
00:19:14,158 --> 00:19:15,761
I thought you said you
wish there was a way
458
00:19:15,793 --> 00:19:17,228
you could undo this.
459
00:19:17,262 --> 00:19:20,799
Well, I-I didn't say that,
but, yeah, I do.
460
00:19:20,831 --> 00:19:23,301
There is one way.
461
00:19:23,334 --> 00:19:25,436
There's an undo spell in the book.
462
00:19:25,469 --> 00:19:27,238
Anything caused by your magic
463
00:19:27,272 --> 00:19:29,840
will be restored to its pre-magic state.
464
00:19:29,873 --> 00:19:32,009
But there's just one catch.
465
00:19:32,042 --> 00:19:32,982
Anything!
466
00:19:32,982 --> 00:19:35,946
You have to promise to buy
that pewter dragon off me.
467
00:19:35,980 --> 00:19:39,851
Fine! Just give it to me!
468
00:19:39,884 --> 00:19:42,120
Not the dragon, the book.
469
00:19:42,153 --> 00:19:44,223
Please!
470
00:19:45,523 --> 00:19:47,259
(whooshes)
471
00:19:47,292 --> 00:19:50,294
TOGETHER: Goddess of Magic,
you gave us powers.
472
00:19:50,328 --> 00:19:52,030
They went to our head.
473
00:19:52,062 --> 00:19:57,268
We inconvenienced a lot of people,
and Barry's now dead.
474
00:19:57,301 --> 00:19:59,870
Bring our magic powers to an end
475
00:19:59,904 --> 00:20:03,809
so we can go back to being friends.
476
00:20:03,841 --> 00:20:06,978
(epic music plays)
477
00:20:09,013 --> 00:20:11,116
What was your favorite
part about being a witch?
478
00:20:11,148 --> 00:20:12,684
Got to be honest, Steve,
479
00:20:12,716 --> 00:20:15,486
it's still pretty hard to
get those deaths off my mind.
480
00:20:16,167 --> 00:20:17,723
I did like floating.
481
00:20:17,755 --> 00:20:21,359
My favorite part was having
a place to eat lunch!
482
00:20:22,033 --> 00:20:23,361
Don't worry. We'll get a table.
483
00:20:23,893 --> 00:20:25,597
Follow my lead.
484
00:20:27,353 --> 00:20:28,166
Ah.
485
00:20:28,571 --> 00:20:30,034
Marsh, buddy.
486
00:20:30,068 --> 00:20:31,636
How's that throwing arm?
487
00:20:31,668 --> 00:20:33,504
Are you freaking kidding me?!
488
00:20:35,106 --> 00:20:37,542
- (Semisonic's "Closing Time" plays)
- As the sun sets on another day,
489
00:20:37,574 --> 00:20:40,010
the kids who get beat up
by the football players
490
00:20:40,043 --> 00:20:42,380
find a place to call their own.
491
00:20:42,414 --> 00:20:46,417
Guys, I forgot to tell you,
when you die, nothing happens.
492
00:20:46,451 --> 00:20:50,355
It's just a permanent
cessation of consciousness.
493
00:20:50,388 --> 00:20:55,260
I know who I want
to take me home
494
00:20:55,292 --> 00:20:57,262
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495
00:20:57,312 --> 00:21:01,862
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