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Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org
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Jack.
Got a minute?
3
00:00:05,394 --> 00:00:06,665
Avery, of course.
4
00:00:06,733 --> 00:00:07,766
Are you okay?
5
00:00:07,834 --> 00:00:09,000
Oh, yeah, it's nothing.
6
00:00:09,067 --> 00:00:11,064
I was a guest on mad money
last night.
7
00:00:11,132 --> 00:00:13,065
What's happening?
Is one of you Jim Cramer?
8
00:00:13,132 --> 00:00:14,364
Okay, stop it, stop it!
9
00:00:14,432 --> 00:00:16,731
I didn't realize
we were still airing that.
10
00:00:16,799 --> 00:00:18,804
Cramer's been dead
for six months.
11
00:00:18,872 --> 00:00:20,905
Look, I know
I'm supposed to go with you
12
00:00:20,973 --> 00:00:22,306
To Cerie's wedding
this weekend,
13
00:00:22,373 --> 00:00:23,606
But I can't make it.
14
00:00:23,676 --> 00:00:25,445
Okay, I know you and I
are in a period
15
00:00:25,512 --> 00:00:27,412
Of detente right now
because of my other--
16
00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:28,581
- Piece of tail?
17
00:00:28,650 --> 00:00:30,583
I was going to say
romantic entanglements,
18
00:00:30,650 --> 00:00:32,484
But you do not want
to miss this wedding.
19
00:00:32,552 --> 00:00:34,119
It's going to be
New York royalty.
20
00:00:34,187 --> 00:00:35,421
The Astors, the Rockefellers.
21
00:00:35,489 --> 00:00:36,423
The Sbarros.
22
00:00:36,491 --> 00:00:37,592
Yes, I know, Jack.
23
00:00:37,660 --> 00:00:38,759
You think I don't want to know
24
00:00:38,827 --> 00:00:40,327
What pizzarina Sbarro
is gonna be wearing?
25
00:00:40,395 --> 00:00:41,362
Then come.
26
00:00:41,429 --> 00:00:42,698
We both know
that is a bad idea.
27
00:00:42,766 --> 00:00:44,300
Which is why I scheduled
a conflict for this weekend
28
00:00:44,368 --> 00:00:45,334
I can't get out of.
29
00:00:45,402 --> 00:00:46,436
What is it?
30
00:00:46,503 --> 00:00:47,438
Well, if you must know,
31
00:00:47,505 --> 00:00:49,108
I'm on dodecacil.
32
00:00:49,176 --> 00:00:51,076
The pill where you only
get your period once a year.
33
00:00:51,144 --> 00:00:54,079
Ugh! We're so close to beating
that thing completely.
34
00:00:54,147 --> 00:00:55,615
Ah, well, my time has come.
35
00:00:55,683 --> 00:00:57,451
I'm going to a spa.
36
00:00:57,518 --> 00:00:58,519
Well, it's not really a spa.
37
00:00:58,586 --> 00:00:59,821
It's more
of a fenced-in area
38
00:00:59,889 --> 00:01:00,855
In the Adirondacks.
39
00:01:00,923 --> 00:01:02,958
Fine.
I'll go alone.
40
00:01:03,026 --> 00:01:05,328
And while I'm gone,
41
00:01:05,395 --> 00:01:08,530
Do some thinking about us.
42
00:01:08,598 --> 00:01:10,099
I promise you,
this weekend will be filled
43
00:01:10,166 --> 00:01:13,335
With staring out windows while
holding a glass of scotch.
44
00:01:13,402 --> 00:01:16,839
That means a lot to me.
45
00:01:16,907 --> 00:01:20,776
- Have a, uh, good time
at your fenced-in area.
46
00:01:20,844 --> 00:01:22,444
And I'll see you in two weeks.
47
00:01:22,512 --> 00:01:24,313
What's that supposed to mean,
you dumb douche?
48
00:01:24,380 --> 00:01:25,747
[calmly] ooh, it's starting.
49
00:01:25,814 --> 00:01:28,282
I should go.
50
00:01:31,285 --> 00:01:33,719
- Aloha means hello
and good-bye.
51
00:01:33,787 --> 00:01:34,720
So aloha.
52
00:01:34,788 --> 00:01:36,455
- What?
- What?
53
00:01:36,523 --> 00:01:38,391
Hi, handsome.
54
00:01:38,459 --> 00:01:40,326
I didn't know
you were coming to New York.
55
00:01:40,394 --> 00:01:42,362
I'm here to see my man.
56
00:01:42,430 --> 00:01:44,398
You're not busy this weekend,
are ya?
57
00:01:44,466 --> 00:01:45,432
Well, I am, actually.
58
00:01:45,500 --> 00:01:46,500
I have some thinking to do.
59
00:01:46,568 --> 00:01:47,802
Well, you can do your thinkin'.
60
00:01:47,870 --> 00:01:49,470
We'll just do it together
on that tour boat
61
00:01:49,538 --> 00:01:51,907
That's painted like a shark.
62
00:01:51,974 --> 00:01:54,176
Hey, Liz, I need to know
the name of the date
63
00:01:54,243 --> 00:01:55,410
You're bringing to my wedding.
64
00:01:55,478 --> 00:01:56,711
I'm coming alone, Cerie.
65
00:01:56,779 --> 00:01:58,646
But I would still
like two meals.
66
00:01:58,713 --> 00:01:59,813
So is it okay if I sit you
67
00:01:59,881 --> 00:02:01,415
Next to
my dad's mistress' cousin?
68
00:02:01,483 --> 00:02:02,682
Whatever makes it
easier for you.
69
00:02:02,750 --> 00:02:04,250
Awesome.
70
00:02:04,318 --> 00:02:06,119
God, three weddings in one day.
71
00:02:06,186 --> 00:02:08,154
I am gonna be in spanx
for 12 hours.
72
00:02:08,222 --> 00:02:10,222
My elastic line is gonna
get infected again.
73
00:02:10,290 --> 00:02:12,691
Are you really not bringing
someone to Cerie's wedding?
74
00:02:12,759 --> 00:02:14,360
[scoffs] I don't care
about having a date.
75
00:02:14,427 --> 00:02:15,894
What about Floyd's wedding?
76
00:02:15,962 --> 00:02:17,529
If I have to sit
through that alone,
77
00:02:17,597 --> 00:02:19,198
I will rent a car,
set it on fire,
78
00:02:19,265 --> 00:02:20,700
And drive it off a waterfall.
79
00:02:20,767 --> 00:02:22,168
I could set you up
with my trainer.
80
00:02:22,236 --> 00:02:24,070
He's gay, but not
when he's drunk.
81
00:02:24,138 --> 00:02:25,605
No, I don't need help, Jenna.
82
00:02:25,672 --> 00:02:27,239
I know where I'm gonna
find my date,
83
00:02:27,307 --> 00:02:29,241
Because I have already met him.
84
00:02:29,309 --> 00:02:30,442
What are you talking about?
85
00:02:30,510 --> 00:02:31,876
Jack's mom said to me
86
00:02:31,944 --> 00:02:33,411
That there's only a few
different types of men
87
00:02:33,479 --> 00:02:34,579
In the world.
88
00:02:34,647 --> 00:02:36,915
And, at my age,
I have met all of them.
89
00:02:36,983 --> 00:02:39,184
So I'm gonna go back through
my gentleman Rolodex--
90
00:02:39,252 --> 00:02:40,919
- Sexual time travel.
91
00:02:40,987 --> 00:02:42,320
Just like my cinemax soft core,
92
00:02:42,388 --> 00:02:44,189
Emmanuelle goes
to dinosaur land.
93
00:02:44,257 --> 00:02:45,892
I've dated plenty of good guys.
94
00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:47,927
My standards have just
been too high.
95
00:02:47,995 --> 00:02:49,162
Yeah, they have.
96
00:02:49,229 --> 00:02:51,564
Meet me in the handicapped stall
in ten seconds.
97
00:02:53,768 --> 00:02:56,670
[exciting jazz music]
98
00:03:17,930 --> 00:03:19,630
Liz Lemon.
99
00:03:19,698 --> 00:03:20,964
I was just thinking
about you the other day.
100
00:03:21,032 --> 00:03:22,066
- Really?
- Yeah.
101
00:03:22,133 --> 00:03:24,101
I saw this gorgeous woman
putting glasses
102
00:03:24,168 --> 00:03:25,268
On her daughter's
Mrs. Potato head.
103
00:03:25,336 --> 00:03:27,337
The "why" is not important.
104
00:03:27,405 --> 00:03:28,438
Can we talk?
105
00:03:28,506 --> 00:03:30,707
Sure.
106
00:03:30,775 --> 00:03:32,876
I was just doing some baking.
107
00:03:32,944 --> 00:03:34,277
Uh, can I get you
something to drink?
108
00:03:34,345 --> 00:03:36,679
What goes good
with second chances?
109
00:03:36,747 --> 00:03:38,315
Ugh, water.
I'd like water.
110
00:03:38,382 --> 00:03:39,449
So...
111
00:03:39,517 --> 00:03:40,717
Are you seeing anyone?
112
00:03:40,785 --> 00:03:41,785
Oh...
113
00:03:41,853 --> 00:03:43,387
This conversation.
114
00:03:43,454 --> 00:03:44,988
Uh, no, I'm still single.
115
00:03:45,056 --> 00:03:47,691
No one serious
since you, actually.
116
00:03:47,759 --> 00:03:49,226
Well, that's good to hear.
117
00:03:49,294 --> 00:03:50,494
You know, when we broke up,
118
00:03:50,562 --> 00:03:52,796
It was because I felt like
I was smarter than you.
119
00:03:52,864 --> 00:03:55,665
But that's so judgmental
and--and now I just--
120
00:03:55,733 --> 00:03:57,601
[gasps] oh, my God.
121
00:03:57,668 --> 00:03:59,202
What?
122
00:03:59,270 --> 00:04:01,805
Oh, my hooks, heh.
123
00:04:01,872 --> 00:04:04,641
I'm just so comfortable
with them that--that--
124
00:04:04,708 --> 00:04:05,808
Ohh.
125
00:04:05,876 --> 00:04:07,577
Whoops.
126
00:04:07,645 --> 00:04:09,813
Oh! Oh!
127
00:04:09,881 --> 00:04:10,881
Oh, not again.
128
00:04:13,218 --> 00:04:15,120
That was my last
ungashed painting.
129
00:04:15,187 --> 00:04:16,488
How did this happen?
130
00:04:16,555 --> 00:04:19,191
Uh, freak accident.
131
00:04:19,258 --> 00:04:22,794
You know I work
with doctors without borders.
132
00:04:22,862 --> 00:04:25,197
Well, I was helicoptering
into Zimbabwe
133
00:04:25,264 --> 00:04:28,099
When I thought I saw
somebody that I knew.
134
00:04:28,167 --> 00:04:30,902
So I waved from the helicopter,
135
00:04:30,970 --> 00:04:32,170
Which, it turns out,
is a big no-no,
136
00:04:32,238 --> 00:04:35,106
And the rotor took my right hand
clean off.
137
00:04:35,174 --> 00:04:36,942
And it turns out the person
I was waving to
138
00:04:37,009 --> 00:04:38,477
Was not my old football coach.
139
00:04:38,544 --> 00:04:40,879
Of course not.
You were in Zimbabwe.
140
00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:43,615
Well, it looked just like
a black version of him.
141
00:04:43,683 --> 00:04:45,150
What about the other hand?
142
00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:47,219
Oh, well, to celebrate
my return from Africa,
143
00:04:47,286 --> 00:04:49,321
My cousin and I bought
a bunch of fireworks.
144
00:04:49,388 --> 00:04:50,955
You know what?
This was a bad idea.
145
00:04:51,023 --> 00:04:51,956
I should just go.
146
00:04:52,024 --> 00:04:53,425
What, you're too good for me
147
00:04:53,492 --> 00:04:55,026
Now that I have
pirate hook hands?
148
00:04:55,094 --> 00:04:57,229
It is absolutely
not because you are disabled.
149
00:04:57,296 --> 00:04:59,731
I've been dumped by four
different guys in wheelchairs.
150
00:04:59,799 --> 00:05:00,899
Look, I'll have you know, Liz,
151
00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:03,134
That I am in line
for a hand transplant.
152
00:05:03,202 --> 00:05:06,037
There's this strangler
who's about to be executed,
153
00:05:06,105 --> 00:05:08,473
And, uh, I got
my hooks crossed.
154
00:05:08,541 --> 00:05:09,641
[chuckles]
155
00:05:11,277 --> 00:05:12,210
Oh, heh.
156
00:05:12,278 --> 00:05:13,311
Oh, my God, drew,
157
00:05:13,379 --> 00:05:14,412
It's not about the hooks.
158
00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:15,680
It's how you got that way.
159
00:05:15,748 --> 00:05:18,583
You're just too dumb.
160
00:05:18,651 --> 00:05:20,685
Wait, Liz.
161
00:05:20,753 --> 00:05:22,420
Don't go.
162
00:05:22,488 --> 00:05:23,722
Ow, it's hot!
163
00:05:23,790 --> 00:05:24,756
Yeah, of course it's hot.
164
00:05:24,824 --> 00:05:25,890
It's been in the oven.
165
00:05:25,958 --> 00:05:27,425
Now who's the dumb one?
166
00:05:27,493 --> 00:05:28,961
[sighs]
167
00:05:29,028 --> 00:05:30,862
Uh, so handsome.
168
00:05:30,930 --> 00:05:31,930
[door slams]
169
00:05:33,132 --> 00:05:34,499
Entourage meeting.
170
00:05:34,567 --> 00:05:37,969
I know which movie
I'm doing this summer.
171
00:05:38,036 --> 00:05:40,905
Garfield 3: Feline groovy?
172
00:05:40,973 --> 00:05:43,774
It's a pun, because
cats' paws have grooves.
173
00:05:43,842 --> 00:05:44,908
And this is really what
174
00:05:44,976 --> 00:05:46,210
You want to spend
your summer doing?
175
00:05:46,277 --> 00:05:47,278
It's perfect!
176
00:05:47,345 --> 00:05:48,446
I'm playing Garfield.
177
00:05:48,513 --> 00:05:49,913
My whole part's being shot
178
00:05:49,981 --> 00:05:51,682
On green screen in three days.
179
00:05:51,750 --> 00:05:54,652
And they're paying me exactly
one million teachers' salaries.
180
00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:56,554
Tray, I think it's time
you take a risk.
181
00:05:56,621 --> 00:05:58,022
Maybe do a dramatic role.
182
00:05:58,090 --> 00:05:59,857
Go for the "o"
in your "egot."
183
00:05:59,925 --> 00:06:00,858
What's this?
184
00:06:00,926 --> 00:06:02,092
Hard to watch,
185
00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:03,561
Based on on the book
stone cold bummer
186
00:06:03,629 --> 00:06:04,796
By manipulate.
187
00:06:04,863 --> 00:06:05,896
It's about growing up
in our old neighborhood.
188
00:06:05,964 --> 00:06:08,399
And it's real Oscar bait, sir.
189
00:06:08,467 --> 00:06:11,102
You say things like,
"you don't know my pain,"
190
00:06:11,169 --> 00:06:13,438
And, "you watch
your mouth, tyrese."
191
00:06:13,505 --> 00:06:15,507
And, in a less dramatic scene,
192
00:06:15,574 --> 00:06:17,308
"I'll have hash browns."
193
00:06:17,376 --> 00:06:19,444
Interesting.
194
00:06:21,113 --> 00:06:23,048
And I've got to win
an Oscar somehow.
195
00:06:23,115 --> 00:06:25,983
It's either this
or I submit that animated film
196
00:06:26,051 --> 00:06:27,451
I drew about the holocaust.
197
00:06:27,519 --> 00:06:31,121
- This.
- We should definitely do this.
198
00:06:31,189 --> 00:06:32,289
Nancy and Avery
199
00:06:32,356 --> 00:06:33,990
Almost ran into each other
at the elevator.
200
00:06:34,058 --> 00:06:35,559
Seriously?
201
00:06:35,626 --> 00:06:38,161
You rode the shark boat?
Was it scary?
202
00:06:38,229 --> 00:06:40,497
Oh. This whole thing...
203
00:06:40,565 --> 00:06:41,699
Is getting out of control.
204
00:06:41,766 --> 00:06:43,934
Yeah, you need
to be honest with everyone.
205
00:06:44,002 --> 00:06:46,503
It's only fair that
you tell Nancy about Avery.
206
00:06:46,571 --> 00:06:47,771
That is terrible advice!
207
00:06:47,838 --> 00:06:48,939
If I tell Nancy,
208
00:06:49,007 --> 00:06:50,674
It'll just complicate things.
209
00:06:50,742 --> 00:06:52,443
I need to keep her
at arm's length this weekend.
210
00:06:52,510 --> 00:06:54,812
I prepared
a very unromantic evening.
211
00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:55,846
First, we're going
to see a documentary
212
00:06:55,914 --> 00:06:57,214
About female circumcision,
213
00:06:57,282 --> 00:06:59,115
And then we're going to eat
too much Indian food.
214
00:06:59,183 --> 00:07:00,984
Okay, but you're just
avoiding the problem.
215
00:07:01,052 --> 00:07:03,753
Sometimes, the right thing
and the hard thing
216
00:07:03,821 --> 00:07:06,189
Are the same thing.
217
00:07:06,257 --> 00:07:07,591
I read that on a tea bag.
218
00:07:07,658 --> 00:07:09,225
If you want to be helpful,
219
00:07:09,293 --> 00:07:10,293
Just give me some more advice
220
00:07:10,361 --> 00:07:11,795
On how to keep a date asexual.
221
00:07:11,862 --> 00:07:13,229
- [high-pitched] you know what?
Sometimes I think--
222
00:07:13,297 --> 00:07:14,264
- That's great.
223
00:07:14,332 --> 00:07:15,432
"you know what?
Sometimes I think--"
224
00:07:15,500 --> 00:07:16,600
That's really annoying.
225
00:07:16,667 --> 00:07:18,101
I'm gonna use that.
You're the best.
226
00:07:18,169 --> 00:07:19,970
- [high-pitched]
honestly, though, sometimes I...
227
00:07:20,037 --> 00:07:22,706
Okay, I hear it.
228
00:07:22,773 --> 00:07:24,141
I read the script.
229
00:07:24,209 --> 00:07:25,442
And? Did you like it?
230
00:07:25,510 --> 00:07:26,977
I hated it!
231
00:07:27,044 --> 00:07:28,278
I couldn't relate.
232
00:07:28,345 --> 00:07:29,613
What?
233
00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:31,448
It's about growing up poor
in the South Bronx.
234
00:07:31,515 --> 00:07:33,450
Moving from foster home
to foster home.
235
00:07:33,517 --> 00:07:35,419
Seeing a pigeon fight a baby.
236
00:07:35,486 --> 00:07:37,120
All of that happened to you.
237
00:07:37,188 --> 00:07:38,755
I don't remember
that kind of stuff.
238
00:07:38,823 --> 00:07:41,090
I mean, I remember
being born, of course.
239
00:07:41,158 --> 00:07:43,059
I remember learning
how to ride a bike.
240
00:07:43,127 --> 00:07:44,460
But that was last year.
241
00:07:44,528 --> 00:07:47,695
From '75 to '82 is just a blur.
242
00:07:47,763 --> 00:07:49,297
Then you're
repressing some stuff.
243
00:07:49,365 --> 00:07:50,665
That can happen.
244
00:07:50,733 --> 00:07:53,701
I remember the summer
my webelos group went camping,
245
00:07:53,769 --> 00:07:55,870
And we were taken
by the hill people.
246
00:07:55,938 --> 00:07:58,406
Next thing I knew,
summer was over,
247
00:07:58,474 --> 00:08:01,009
And it was time
for back-to-school shopping.
248
00:08:01,076 --> 00:08:02,843
Tray, this
is an important film.
249
00:08:02,911 --> 00:08:04,145
Oh, brother.
250
00:08:04,212 --> 00:08:06,014
If you want to get your "o,"
251
00:08:06,081 --> 00:08:07,649
You've got to reconnect
with your roots.
252
00:08:07,716 --> 00:08:08,816
No, I don't.
253
00:08:08,884 --> 00:08:11,452
I was on a yacht
with the roots last week.
254
00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:14,688
Dude!
255
00:08:14,756 --> 00:08:16,057
Hello, Dennis.
256
00:08:16,124 --> 00:08:17,691
Hey, dummy.
257
00:08:17,759 --> 00:08:18,726
You know, as soon
as my beeper went off,
258
00:08:18,793 --> 00:08:19,793
I knew it was you.
259
00:08:19,861 --> 00:08:21,428
I got a personalized vibration
260
00:08:21,496 --> 00:08:22,729
For each chick
I used to put it to.
261
00:08:22,797 --> 00:08:24,231
Hmm.
262
00:08:24,298 --> 00:08:25,398
Thanks for meeting me
at my workplace.
263
00:08:25,466 --> 00:08:27,000
Yeah, what exactly
are you building here?
264
00:08:27,067 --> 00:08:29,068
Hey, Liz, you want
to be a millionaire?
265
00:08:29,135 --> 00:08:30,436
Hmm?
Mr. Dennis.
266
00:08:30,503 --> 00:08:32,170
No, no, no, Jose.
Only babies out here.
267
00:08:32,238 --> 00:08:33,338
Don't you want to be a big boy?
268
00:08:33,406 --> 00:08:35,006
- Ow.
- Who's that kid?
269
00:08:35,074 --> 00:08:36,040
That's Jose.
270
00:08:36,108 --> 00:08:37,441
I met him through this program
271
00:08:37,509 --> 00:08:39,176
That places troubled adults
with child mentors.
272
00:08:39,244 --> 00:08:41,411
Wait, are you planning
to balloon boy him?
273
00:08:41,479 --> 00:08:42,746
Liz, listen to me.
274
00:08:42,814 --> 00:08:45,182
What was the one mistake
those people in Denver made?
275
00:08:45,250 --> 00:08:46,316
One mistake?
276
00:08:46,384 --> 00:08:47,851
Yeah, there was no kid
in the balloon.
277
00:08:47,919 --> 00:08:50,587
When Jose jumps out of there,
or whatever,
278
00:08:50,655 --> 00:08:51,822
People are gonna go nuts!
279
00:08:51,890 --> 00:08:54,458
Oh, my God.
280
00:08:54,526 --> 00:08:56,661
Go, run.
281
00:08:56,728 --> 00:08:58,028
Unbelievable.
282
00:08:58,096 --> 00:08:59,430
These are the men in my life.
283
00:08:59,498 --> 00:09:00,999
What did I do wrong?
284
00:09:01,066 --> 00:09:02,433
Well, the first thing
you did wrong
285
00:09:02,501 --> 00:09:03,668
Was you touched the balloon.
286
00:09:03,736 --> 00:09:05,670
This is a scientific
facility, Liz.
287
00:09:05,738 --> 00:09:08,774
This is a public park
named after Ron Artest.
288
00:09:08,842 --> 00:09:12,344
Yeah, and like Jose,
Ron dreamed of glory.
289
00:09:12,412 --> 00:09:13,446
Hey, Liz...
290
00:09:13,513 --> 00:09:14,914
You'll be back!
291
00:09:14,982 --> 00:09:16,582
Hey, what's goin' on, huh?
292
00:09:16,650 --> 00:09:18,685
What's your deal?
293
00:09:18,752 --> 00:09:20,053
Lesbian.
294
00:09:21,856 --> 00:09:23,256
How was your dinner?
295
00:09:23,324 --> 00:09:25,192
Mm, I'm stuffed.
296
00:09:25,259 --> 00:09:26,459
That place is good.
297
00:09:26,527 --> 00:09:29,495
Way better than the Indian joint
I go to in Boston,
298
00:09:29,563 --> 00:09:32,532
O'doyle's.
299
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:33,833
[whispers] yeah.
300
00:09:33,901 --> 00:09:36,702
Uh...You know what I like
after too much curry?
301
00:09:36,770 --> 00:09:38,437
A warm glass of milk
302
00:09:38,505 --> 00:09:40,739
And some John Philip Sousa
marches.
303
00:09:40,807 --> 00:09:43,709
[symphonic March playing]
304
00:09:43,777 --> 00:09:45,377
♪ ♪
305
00:09:49,448 --> 00:09:52,483
Okay, I'm gonna go
to the restroom
306
00:09:52,551 --> 00:09:55,119
Before I head back
to the hotel.
307
00:09:55,187 --> 00:09:56,286
Oh, okay.
308
00:09:56,354 --> 00:09:57,821
I'll order you a car.
309
00:09:57,888 --> 00:09:59,122
- Mm-hmm.
310
00:09:59,190 --> 00:10:02,092
[music continues]
311
00:10:02,159 --> 00:10:03,393
♪ ♪
312
00:10:03,460 --> 00:10:06,096
Hi, yes.
I'd like to order a car, please.
313
00:10:06,163 --> 00:10:08,765
Account number 541390.
314
00:10:11,803 --> 00:10:13,403
I have to call you back.
315
00:10:16,474 --> 00:10:18,208
Oh! Jack!
316
00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:21,244
I've been through every guy.
317
00:10:21,312 --> 00:10:22,612
There's no one left.
318
00:10:22,680 --> 00:10:25,148
Come on, you sound like me
at the Olympic village.
319
00:10:25,216 --> 00:10:26,716
Ugh, who cares?
320
00:10:26,784 --> 00:10:28,285
So I go to Floyd's
wedding alone.
321
00:10:28,352 --> 00:10:29,419
Maybe I'll just lean into it
322
00:10:29,487 --> 00:10:30,787
And bring a cat
in a baby stroller.
323
00:10:30,855 --> 00:10:32,956
Come on, you still
have tonight.
324
00:10:33,024 --> 00:10:34,791
Liz, I want you to meet the guy
325
00:10:34,859 --> 00:10:36,259
That you're gonna be
sitting next to tomorrow.
326
00:10:36,327 --> 00:10:38,061
He's told me his name,
like, a million times,
327
00:10:38,129 --> 00:10:39,195
But I keep forgetting it.
328
00:10:39,263 --> 00:10:40,496
It's Wesley!
329
00:10:40,564 --> 00:10:41,497
[dramatic music]
330
00:10:41,565 --> 00:10:42,931
[startled laugh]
331
00:10:42,999 --> 00:10:44,166
No!
332
00:10:48,406 --> 00:10:49,339
I knew you'd be back.
333
00:10:49,406 --> 00:10:51,006
No, I'm not back, Wesley.
334
00:10:51,074 --> 00:10:52,341
Oh, of course, because you said
335
00:10:52,408 --> 00:10:55,009
You could find someone
better than me.
336
00:10:55,077 --> 00:10:56,978
Well...Where is he?
337
00:11:01,149 --> 00:11:03,550
Stop doing that!
You look idiotic.
338
00:11:03,618 --> 00:11:05,052
Of course I do.
339
00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:08,089
Excellent pantomime's
supposed to look idiotic.
340
00:11:08,156 --> 00:11:09,323
Okay, I may be alone tonight,
341
00:11:09,391 --> 00:11:10,390
But I'm not done looking.
342
00:11:10,458 --> 00:11:11,659
Liz, I'm gonna guess
343
00:11:11,726 --> 00:11:13,093
That the last two months,
344
00:11:13,161 --> 00:11:15,229
There's been a lot
of singles events in gymnasia,
345
00:11:15,296 --> 00:11:17,665
And, uh, oh, don't tell me.
346
00:11:17,732 --> 00:11:21,201
You revisited old boyfriends,
didn't you?
347
00:11:21,269 --> 00:11:22,837
[laughing] that's never worked.
348
00:11:22,904 --> 00:11:25,306
Oh, my God.
I hate you.
349
00:11:25,374 --> 00:11:27,342
Yeah, but that's it, isn't it?
350
00:11:27,409 --> 00:11:29,877
The only thing wrong with me...
351
00:11:29,945 --> 00:11:30,912
Is that you hate me.
352
00:11:30,979 --> 00:11:32,914
So with that as my only defect,
353
00:11:32,982 --> 00:11:34,282
Where do I rank
354
00:11:34,349 --> 00:11:36,150
With all the other men
that you've been with?
355
00:11:39,088 --> 00:11:41,055
Okay, I have another
wedding tomorrow.
356
00:11:41,123 --> 00:11:43,390
It's my ex-boyfriend Floyd.
357
00:11:43,458 --> 00:11:44,591
[sighs]
358
00:11:44,659 --> 00:11:46,593
Will you come with me?
359
00:11:46,661 --> 00:11:47,894
And then there was Wesley.
360
00:11:47,962 --> 00:11:49,829
God, I hate you.
361
00:11:54,501 --> 00:11:55,601
Well...
362
00:11:55,668 --> 00:11:59,938
Good mornin'.
363
00:12:00,005 --> 00:12:01,906
I'm glad we did this, Jack.
364
00:12:01,973 --> 00:12:04,474
It was a huge step.
365
00:12:04,542 --> 00:12:05,609
But it feels right.
366
00:12:05,677 --> 00:12:08,544
Huge seems like the wrong word.
367
00:12:08,612 --> 00:12:10,446
I mean, sex is not
that big a deal, right?
368
00:12:10,514 --> 00:12:12,281
How could something
that animals do
369
00:12:12,348 --> 00:12:13,615
Be a big deal?
370
00:12:13,683 --> 00:12:17,284
Worms can do it with...
Any other worm.
371
00:12:17,352 --> 00:12:19,152
Well, it was a big deal for me.
372
00:12:19,220 --> 00:12:20,386
Besides my ex-husband,
373
00:12:20,454 --> 00:12:21,887
You're the only other man
I've slept with.
374
00:12:21,955 --> 00:12:23,889
Two men?
375
00:12:23,957 --> 00:12:25,491
That can't be true.
376
00:12:25,558 --> 00:12:26,859
Well...
377
00:12:26,926 --> 00:12:30,462
Uh, look, Jack...
378
00:12:30,530 --> 00:12:32,631
There's something
I have to tell ya.
379
00:12:32,699 --> 00:12:35,167
I did somethin' bad.
380
00:12:35,235 --> 00:12:37,002
After my divorce,
381
00:12:37,070 --> 00:12:39,105
I went out with my girlfriends,
382
00:12:39,172 --> 00:12:41,073
And I danced with a guy.
383
00:12:41,141 --> 00:12:42,641
That's it?
384
00:12:42,709 --> 00:12:44,109
Also...
385
00:12:44,177 --> 00:12:45,777
It was after midnight
on a Saturday,
386
00:12:45,845 --> 00:12:47,145
So technically,
it was a Sunday.
387
00:12:47,212 --> 00:12:48,512
A man had his hands on my hips
388
00:12:48,580 --> 00:12:50,347
On a day that was
set aside for the lord!
389
00:12:50,414 --> 00:12:52,248
There! I said it.
390
00:12:52,316 --> 00:12:53,583
[sighs]
391
00:12:53,651 --> 00:12:55,651
Man, catholic guilt.
392
00:12:55,719 --> 00:12:57,086
Am I right?
393
00:12:57,154 --> 00:12:59,088
Those nuns really messed me up.
394
00:12:59,155 --> 00:13:01,389
[both laugh]
395
00:13:01,457 --> 00:13:03,057
Not me!
396
00:13:03,124 --> 00:13:04,725
[chuckling]
397
00:13:08,829 --> 00:13:10,063
[grunts]
398
00:13:12,399 --> 00:13:14,100
What are we doing here?
399
00:13:14,168 --> 00:13:16,402
You told me we were going
someplace boring.
400
00:13:16,470 --> 00:13:18,438
This is an awesome copy shop!
401
00:13:18,505 --> 00:13:20,172
Well, this copy shop
is on the corner
402
00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:22,675
Of 157th street and
Lieutenant Uhura Avenue.
403
00:13:22,742 --> 00:13:24,043
That's where I grew up.
404
00:13:24,110 --> 00:13:26,011
Obviously,
your building is gone.
405
00:13:26,079 --> 00:13:27,980
I guess someone
didn't come up here
406
00:13:28,047 --> 00:13:29,281
To scout the location first.
407
00:13:29,349 --> 00:13:31,283
'cause someone else
didn't sign off
408
00:13:31,351 --> 00:13:32,384
On the transportation budget.
409
00:13:32,452 --> 00:13:34,954
I never check
that earthlink account.
410
00:13:35,022 --> 00:13:37,590
God, nothing's changed at all.
411
00:13:37,658 --> 00:13:39,091
It's changed completely, tray.
412
00:13:39,159 --> 00:13:40,292
What is wrong with you?
413
00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:41,793
We brought you up here
to jog your memory,
414
00:13:41,861 --> 00:13:43,428
But I guess that
was a waste of time.
415
00:13:43,496 --> 00:13:45,129
Because someone came up
416
00:13:45,197 --> 00:13:48,131
With this stupid idea
in the first place.
417
00:13:48,199 --> 00:13:49,699
Let's just go.
418
00:13:49,767 --> 00:13:51,800
Why do I recognize
that stairwell?
419
00:13:55,471 --> 00:13:56,704
[sobbing]
420
00:13:56,772 --> 00:13:58,705
It's all coming back to me.
421
00:13:58,773 --> 00:14:02,942
Oh, my God, I slept on an old
dog bed stuffed with wigs!
422
00:14:03,010 --> 00:14:06,613
I watched a prostitute
stab a clown!
423
00:14:06,681 --> 00:14:09,215
Our basketball hoop
was a rib cage.
424
00:14:09,283 --> 00:14:11,618
A rib cage!
425
00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:13,453
Why did you bring me here?
426
00:14:13,521 --> 00:14:15,823
I blocked all this stuff out
for a reason!
427
00:14:15,890 --> 00:14:18,125
Oh, lord!
428
00:14:18,192 --> 00:14:21,691
Some guy with dreads
electrocuted my fish!
429
00:14:21,759 --> 00:14:24,827
Tray, use this pain
to get your Oscar.
430
00:14:24,895 --> 00:14:26,762
I hate pain!
431
00:14:26,830 --> 00:14:28,430
I'm doing Garfield 3.
432
00:14:28,498 --> 00:14:31,366
And as soon as I make
some copies of my passport,
433
00:14:31,433 --> 00:14:33,601
I'm never coming back here!
434
00:14:33,669 --> 00:14:35,269
Move!
435
00:14:35,337 --> 00:14:37,305
[knocking on door]
436
00:14:41,842 --> 00:14:42,775
Lemon, I don't have time
to talk about
437
00:14:42,843 --> 00:14:43,910
What you look like right now.
438
00:14:43,978 --> 00:14:45,845
That's how urgent this is.
439
00:14:45,913 --> 00:14:48,147
I need you to not put on
your judgmental face
440
00:14:48,215 --> 00:14:49,916
When I tell you the following.
441
00:14:49,984 --> 00:14:51,217
[whispering]
I slept with Nancy.
442
00:14:52,219 --> 00:14:54,020
Fight it off, Lemon.
443
00:14:54,088 --> 00:14:56,022
Gah!
What were you thinking?
444
00:14:56,090 --> 00:14:57,357
I wasn't thinking at all.
445
00:14:57,424 --> 00:14:58,925
She put on red underwear.
446
00:14:58,993 --> 00:15:00,827
You would think
it would clash with her hair.
447
00:15:00,894 --> 00:15:01,928
But it didn't.
448
00:15:01,995 --> 00:15:03,863
You have made this
so much worse.
449
00:15:03,930 --> 00:15:05,630
Sex always makes things worse.
450
00:15:05,698 --> 00:15:06,965
This isn't fair to Nancy.
451
00:15:07,032 --> 00:15:08,299
You have to tell her
about Avery.
452
00:15:08,367 --> 00:15:09,934
I know, but Nancy's not Avery.
453
00:15:10,001 --> 00:15:11,835
Avery is cool, collected,
454
00:15:11,903 --> 00:15:13,603
Descended
from Swedish valley people.
455
00:15:13,670 --> 00:15:15,437
Nancy is a fiery Irish nut job
456
00:15:15,505 --> 00:15:16,805
Descended from bog people.
457
00:15:16,872 --> 00:15:17,939
Well, I'm sorry, Jack,
458
00:15:18,007 --> 00:15:19,474
But I have got to go
give a reading
459
00:15:19,541 --> 00:15:22,142
At the wedding of the only
normal guy I've ever dated.
460
00:15:22,210 --> 00:15:24,611
And I have to be at st. Paul's
in 20 minutes!
461
00:15:24,678 --> 00:15:26,579
- Wait--Floyd's wedding
is at a catholic church?
462
00:15:26,647 --> 00:15:28,915
Are they having a mass?
Yeah, Kaitlin's catholic.
463
00:15:28,982 --> 00:15:30,016
He converted for her.
464
00:15:30,084 --> 00:15:31,317
Meanwhile, when we were dating,
465
00:15:31,385 --> 00:15:33,319
And I wanted to check out
that unitarian church--
466
00:15:33,386 --> 00:15:34,453
- Good talk, Lemon.
467
00:15:34,521 --> 00:15:36,121
- Mm-hmm.
468
00:15:36,189 --> 00:15:37,189
[sighs]
469
00:15:37,256 --> 00:15:40,158
[organ playing softly]
470
00:15:40,226 --> 00:15:42,661
♪ ♪
471
00:15:42,729 --> 00:15:44,563
Thanks for holding my purse.
472
00:15:44,630 --> 00:15:47,365
Yeah.
See how we help each other?
473
00:15:47,433 --> 00:15:49,733
I accompany you
to Floyd's wedding.
474
00:15:49,801 --> 00:15:51,235
I hold your purse.
475
00:15:51,303 --> 00:15:53,270
This was meant to be.
476
00:15:53,338 --> 00:15:57,307
We're like Russ and Rebecca
on chums.
477
00:15:57,375 --> 00:15:58,842
This is just a date, Wesley.
478
00:15:58,909 --> 00:16:01,511
You know that's not true.
479
00:16:01,579 --> 00:16:03,713
I wouldn't be here
if there was anybody else.
480
00:16:03,781 --> 00:16:04,847
I'm your best option.
481
00:16:04,915 --> 00:16:06,682
And you're mine.
482
00:16:06,750 --> 00:16:08,451
You see, I, uh...
483
00:16:08,518 --> 00:16:10,018
I lost my job two days ago
484
00:16:10,086 --> 00:16:13,822
And am now facing
a little residency issue.
485
00:16:13,890 --> 00:16:15,691
What?
486
00:16:15,759 --> 00:16:18,327
I don't want to go back
to England.
487
00:16:18,395 --> 00:16:19,762
I can't suffer through
the London Olympics.
488
00:16:19,829 --> 00:16:21,530
We're not prepared, Liz.
489
00:16:21,598 --> 00:16:23,866
Did you see the Beijing
opening ceremonies?
490
00:16:23,933 --> 00:16:27,469
We don't have control
over our people like that.
491
00:16:27,537 --> 00:16:30,838
I'm supposed to be up front
for my reading.
492
00:16:30,906 --> 00:16:32,739
This is just a date.
493
00:16:32,807 --> 00:16:34,340
Right, and maybe up there,
494
00:16:34,408 --> 00:16:36,542
You'll fall in love
with a handsome groomsman.
495
00:16:36,610 --> 00:16:39,111
But until then, Rebecca...
496
00:16:39,178 --> 00:16:41,680
♪ I'll be here always ♪
497
00:16:41,747 --> 00:16:44,716
♪ while the rains
fall in wales ♪
498
00:16:44,784 --> 00:16:45,917
Chums.
499
00:16:45,985 --> 00:16:46,919
Oh.
500
00:16:46,986 --> 00:16:48,687
[scoffs]
501
00:16:52,126 --> 00:16:54,694
Garfield effects test,
take one.
502
00:16:54,762 --> 00:16:57,064
And...Act!
503
00:16:57,131 --> 00:16:59,633
Nermal!
I hate you, Nermal!
504
00:16:59,701 --> 00:17:02,269
Almost as much
as I hate Mondays!
505
00:17:02,337 --> 00:17:03,972
This is my lasagna!
506
00:17:04,039 --> 00:17:05,406
You hear me, Nermal?
507
00:17:05,474 --> 00:17:07,041
My lasagna!
508
00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:08,209
Okay, let's cut.
509
00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:10,111
Okay...
510
00:17:10,178 --> 00:17:11,279
Maybe a little less intense,
you know?
511
00:17:11,347 --> 00:17:12,514
You're Garfield.
512
00:17:12,581 --> 00:17:13,581
You're a cat
513
00:17:13,649 --> 00:17:15,616
Who likes sleeping and lasagna.
514
00:17:15,684 --> 00:17:18,119
Well, I'm sorry, Shawn...
515
00:17:18,186 --> 00:17:20,755
And child actor whose name
I can't remember.
516
00:17:20,823 --> 00:17:23,224
You haven't walked in my shoes.
517
00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:27,095
All my life, I tried
to forget the things I've seen.
518
00:17:27,163 --> 00:17:29,964
A crackhead
breastfeeding a rat.
519
00:17:30,032 --> 00:17:32,400
A homeless man cooking
a hot pocket
520
00:17:32,468 --> 00:17:34,835
On the third rail
of the g-train.
521
00:17:34,903 --> 00:17:37,471
The g-train, Nermal!
522
00:17:37,539 --> 00:17:40,741
There's something inside of me
that needs to come out.
523
00:17:40,809 --> 00:17:43,411
And if Garfield 3:
Feline groovy
524
00:17:43,478 --> 00:17:44,945
Can't tell my story,
525
00:17:45,013 --> 00:17:47,682
Then I'll win my Oscar
elsewhere.
526
00:17:47,749 --> 00:17:49,984
Or I'll die tryin'.
527
00:17:50,052 --> 00:17:53,488
[applause]
528
00:17:53,556 --> 00:17:55,657
Okay, so are you
not doing this movie?
529
00:17:55,725 --> 00:17:57,927
'cause that suit
was made special!
530
00:17:57,994 --> 00:17:59,528
For your weird body!
531
00:17:59,596 --> 00:18:02,198
Are you doing a reading too?
532
00:18:02,265 --> 00:18:03,999
I'm Mike.
I'm friends with Floyd.
533
00:18:04,067 --> 00:18:05,234
Hi.
534
00:18:12,243 --> 00:18:13,810
Excuse me, do you have a job,
535
00:18:13,877 --> 00:18:15,178
And are you here with someone?
536
00:18:15,245 --> 00:18:17,179
Uh, I'm a lawyer,
537
00:18:17,247 --> 00:18:18,650
And I'm single.
538
00:18:18,718 --> 00:18:19,919
Okay, friend, here's the deal.
539
00:18:19,987 --> 00:18:22,789
My name is Liz, I almost
got 1,200 on my s.A.T.S,
540
00:18:22,857 --> 00:18:23,990
And I need a date
for this wedding
541
00:18:24,058 --> 00:18:25,792
And I like your head shape.
542
00:18:25,860 --> 00:18:27,493
What do you say?
543
00:18:27,561 --> 00:18:29,295
I'd love to be your date, Liz.
544
00:18:29,363 --> 00:18:31,197
Okay.
545
00:18:31,264 --> 00:18:33,565
I like how forward you are.
546
00:18:33,632 --> 00:18:34,999
Now may I tell you something?
547
00:18:35,067 --> 00:18:36,067
I'm a plushie.
548
00:18:36,135 --> 00:18:38,336
Is that a fraternity?
549
00:18:38,404 --> 00:18:39,637
Kind of.
550
00:18:39,705 --> 00:18:42,039
It means I belong to a group
of like-minded people
551
00:18:42,107 --> 00:18:43,507
Who dress up
in mascot costumes.
552
00:18:43,575 --> 00:18:44,742
- Oh-Kay...
553
00:18:44,809 --> 00:18:47,044
And have orgies
in hotel rooms and state parks.
554
00:18:47,112 --> 00:18:48,178
There it is.
555
00:18:48,246 --> 00:18:51,181
Our term for intercourse
is "yiffing."
556
00:18:51,249 --> 00:18:53,250
Would you excuse me, please?
557
00:18:55,220 --> 00:18:58,055
Okay, fine.
Let's get married.
558
00:18:58,123 --> 00:18:59,323
Oh, yeah.
559
00:18:59,391 --> 00:19:01,726
[sighs]
560
00:19:01,794 --> 00:19:04,663
And now a reading
from Corinthians.
561
00:19:04,730 --> 00:19:06,365
"love is patient.
562
00:19:06,432 --> 00:19:08,034
"love is kind.
563
00:19:08,101 --> 00:19:09,635
"it is not jealous.
564
00:19:09,703 --> 00:19:11,270
"it is not pompous.
565
00:19:11,338 --> 00:19:13,640
"it does not envy.
It does not boast.
566
00:19:13,708 --> 00:19:16,176
It is not proud.
It is not rude..."
567
00:19:16,244 --> 00:19:17,478
Nothin' like being in church,
568
00:19:17,545 --> 00:19:19,714
Having spend the night doing
a bunch of bad crap.
569
00:19:19,782 --> 00:19:20,749
Am I right?
570
00:19:20,816 --> 00:19:22,551
Yes, uh...
571
00:19:22,618 --> 00:19:23,552
Speaking of which,
572
00:19:23,619 --> 00:19:25,353
I'm seeing someone else,
573
00:19:25,421 --> 00:19:27,589
And I think I'm in love
with both of you.
574
00:19:27,657 --> 00:19:31,025
[whispering] you lying bastard.
575
00:19:31,093 --> 00:19:32,260
After last night?
576
00:19:32,328 --> 00:19:33,428
Nancy, just let me explain.
577
00:19:33,496 --> 00:19:34,797
No, I'm out of here.
578
00:19:34,864 --> 00:19:35,797
You can't leave, Donovan.
579
00:19:35,865 --> 00:19:37,699
We're in the middle of mass.
580
00:19:37,767 --> 00:19:39,968
[Liz continuing indistinctly]
581
00:19:40,036 --> 00:19:41,969
You and I both know
you have to stay
582
00:19:42,037 --> 00:19:43,738
Until the final blessing,
so let's talk.
583
00:19:43,805 --> 00:19:45,773
No, I'm not saying
a word to you.
584
00:19:45,841 --> 00:19:46,941
The second this mass is over,
585
00:19:47,009 --> 00:19:48,276
I'm on the first train
back to Boston.
586
00:19:48,343 --> 00:19:49,710
And you'll never see me again.
587
00:19:49,778 --> 00:19:52,579
"faith, hope, and love.
588
00:19:52,647 --> 00:19:53,914
"and as for knowledge,
589
00:19:53,981 --> 00:19:55,248
It will pass away."
590
00:19:55,316 --> 00:19:59,184
[cell phone jingling]
[laughs nervously]
591
00:19:59,252 --> 00:20:01,119
Stall?
592
00:20:04,590 --> 00:20:07,559
And now, an unscheduled reading
593
00:20:07,627 --> 00:20:10,896
That I think is appropriate
for this lovely
594
00:20:10,964 --> 00:20:12,565
Romantic occasion.
595
00:20:12,632 --> 00:20:15,167
"but Onan knew
that the offspring
596
00:20:15,234 --> 00:20:16,668
"would not be his,
597
00:20:16,736 --> 00:20:19,504
"so whenever he lay
with his brother's wife,
598
00:20:19,572 --> 00:20:22,607
He spilled his semen
on the ground."
599
00:20:22,674 --> 00:20:23,775
Sorry.
600
00:20:23,842 --> 00:20:25,743
[flipping pages]
601
00:20:25,810 --> 00:20:27,945
"then Zipporah took a flint
602
00:20:28,013 --> 00:20:30,114
And cut off her son's
foreskin."
603
00:20:30,182 --> 00:20:34,085
Oh, come on, bible.
Help a lady out.
604
00:20:34,152 --> 00:20:35,386
"for he has sold us,
605
00:20:35,454 --> 00:20:38,122
And he has indeed
devoured our money."
606
00:20:43,848 --> 00:20:46,617
I seen a blind guy
bite a police horse!
607
00:20:46,684 --> 00:20:48,986
A puppy committed suicide
after he saw our bathroom!
608
00:20:49,053 --> 00:20:50,954
I once bit into a burrito,
609
00:20:51,022 --> 00:20:52,389
And there was a child's shoe
in it!
610
00:20:52,457 --> 00:20:54,557
I seen a hooker eat a tire.
611
00:20:54,625 --> 00:20:56,727
A pack of wild dogs took over
612
00:20:56,795 --> 00:20:58,829
And successfully ran a Wendy's!
613
00:20:58,896 --> 00:21:02,599
The sewer people
stole my skateboard!
614
00:21:02,667 --> 00:21:04,901
The projects I lived in was
named after Zachary Taylor,
615
00:21:04,969 --> 00:21:06,570
Generally considered to be
616
00:21:06,637 --> 00:21:08,738
One of the worst presidents
of all time!
617
00:21:08,806 --> 00:21:12,108
I once saw a baby
give another baby a tattoo!
618
00:21:12,176 --> 00:21:13,943
They were very drunk!
619
00:21:14,011 --> 00:21:19,011
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620
00:00:00,500 --> 00:00:02,000
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621
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622
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