All language subtitles for 30 Rock S04 E04 Audition Day.eng

- so we're agreed.

Assuming nothing goes wrong
in the next eight hours,

jayden michael tyler will be
the next tgs cast member.

- eight cities,
40 comics,

One slap fight with
a tsa agent.

I'm done.
jayden's the one.

[sighs]

Now we just have to make
jack think

That hiring jayden
was his decision.

Who are the decoys we will
be using for the audition?

- uh, middle-aged female comic
with a bolo tie,

One-man band who only plays
halloween music,

And australia's
jackie mason.

Jack will hate all of them
and pick jayden.

- ugh, i hate doing this
to people.

They all think this is
their big break,

But we're just using them.

- call it the hornberger
system.

- you've never been on
the other side of this, pete.

Auditioning is hard.
so much rejection.

Elizabeth lemon,

I am represented by
suzanne's b-plus talent.

My carpets need a deep clean.

- next!

- and then you call your mom
and tell her, "it went great,"

And you've got a really good
feeling about this year.

- i know it's no fun,

But you are making
this guy's dreams come true.

At your age,
it's probably the last time

You'll ever make a man happy.

- [laughs]
that's true, liz is old.

Uh, where are we
on this audition?

- uh, we've narrowed it down
to four people

For this afternoon.

- i'm already not liking
some of these people.

It reminds me
of being on the bus.

- come on, guys,
these are people up here

With feelings and mothers
who worry about them.

- lemon, stop right there.

You are on top of
the pyramid.

tgs is a small pyramid,
which nevertheless

Will one day be your tomb.

You can't let emotions
distract you

From making decisions
about the slaves

Who built the pyramid,
which, again,

Will one day be your tomb.

- geez.
sorry i'm not a robot.

- we all are.
but we're getting there.

In ten years, this'll all be
the size of a microchip.

But until then,
you're in charge.

Think like a robot.
be logical and dispassionate.

- are you okay?

- see, that's exactly what i'm
talking about--human empathy.

It's as useless as
the winter olympics.

This february on nbc.

[exciting jazz music]

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- tracy.

I just heard they're
closing down the set today.

Do you think
it's for auditions?

- jennifer m,
why are you so worked up?

- because it's gonna be
a disaster.

Like katrina.
do you remember katrina?

That crazy girl
from hair and make-up?

- nothing's gonna change.

They're gonna hire
some skinny white guy.

How is that a threat?

You'll do your lady
characters,

And i will get onstage
and people will laugh

Even when i forget my,
um, my--line.

- lines.
- lines.

- everybody's a threat,
tracy.

You don't know who's gonna
walk through that door.

- it's true.

Anything can happen
in the audition process.

- oh, yeah,
i forgot, dotcom.

You know everything about acting
because you played a bird

In some stupid school play.

[laughs mockingly]

- yes, tracy.

i was trigorin in
the seagull

On the wesleyan artspace
mainstage.

- he will know.

- vampyr!

- are they closing the stage
this afternoon for auditions?

What's on that piece of paper?

- uh, miss lemon did say,
"keep this away from jenna."

But she may have meant
the jenna

That works downstairs
at that luggage store...

So i'm gonna give it to you.

- thank you, kenneth.
- oh, my, sir.

It looks like you got a bad case
of the chewdaddies.

Ozark kisses?
the woodsman's companion?

Bedbugs. they're a big problem
in new york right now.

- i don't have bedbugs,
kenneth, i went to princeton.

- sir, anyone can get them.

Back in stone mountain,
even the mayor had bedbugs.

And she was a horse.

[knocking on door]
- i'm sorry.

Am i interrupting?

- uh--uh, no, breckman,
it's nothing.

- it's not nothing, sir.

Mr. donaghy's got
blue ridge quilt ticklers.

Oh, sorry. bedbugs.

- bedbugs?

Can't those live in
your clothes?

- that's true, mr. donaghy.

The mayor had to burn
all her pantsuits.

- don't worry about it,
breckman.

I'll see you at the, uh,

Business development meeting
at 11:00.

- you know what, uh,
we may not need you for that.

So i'm gonna go now.

[knocking on door]

- hey, what's up, dotcom?

- the great uta hagen
once said...

"is why i'd like to audition
for tgs."

Walter, you idiot.
you lost a card.

- wait, you wanna audition?

- oh, dotcom,
i think you're great.

But no, i'm sorry,
you can't.

- i thank you for treating
my requests with respect.

- liz,
i need to speak with you.

- beat it,
grizz or dotcom.

I saw your audition list.

- what?
now, i told kenneth to--

Luggage store jenna.

- what are our options
besides jayden michael tyler?

- a lot of good people.

- you're setting him up
to get it.

What, you don't think
i know that trick?

You don't think
i've been brought in

On a million auditions
just to make kim cattrall

Seem grounded and human?

- yes, fine, we're stacking
the deck for jayden.

Let me guess what
your problem is with him.

He's a talented actor
and you're threatened by that.

- no, i know him, liz.

We did a play together
20 years ago,

And we were best friends.

Until he betrayed me.

- hey, jenna, congratulations
on your nomination.

For worst supporting bra!

[laughter]

- what play is that?

- i will not allow this
to happen.

- ugh.

This process is painful enough
without adding your crazy to it.

- too late.

I'm getting that hot feeling
in my head.

- [sighs]

- hey, mom, it's walter.

I'm just calling to tell you
they cancelled the audition,

So maybe pray
on something else.

- you can audition.
- i'll need a piano.

- [sighs]

- what is this?

- it's cisco equipment, sir.

It's almost better than
being there.

- is this because of
my bedbugs?

I will not be ostracized
like this.

- jack, bedbugs have become
an epidemic in new york.

I just think that everyone
would feel more comfortable

If you stayed
in your office.

You like
the cisco equipment?

- of course, it continues
to be the gold standard

By which all business technology
is judged.

Cisco, the human network.

- this is what happens

When you live north
of 62nd street.

- you think i didn't
hear that?

I can hear your hair growing
on this thing.

You are discriminating
against me.

I am a human being.

Did you just mute me?

Did you just use cisco's
cutting edge

Suremute technology
to mute me?

- because we've got to have
a united front.

Bart said that if we go in there
with the numbers all set--

- i'm gonna come to your house
and crawl into your bed

And i'm gonna bite you
on the ass, do you hear me?

- what do you mean,
dotcom's auditioning?

How dumb are you?
is there anything in there?

- pete, stop it.

You know my fontanelle
never closed.

I tried to be strong,
but i just couldn't tell him no.

And now i don't have to,
see,

Because we're making it
jack's decision.

- oh, we were,

But now you've compromised
the hornberger system.

It's four people for a reason.

The first guy jack's
settling in,

The second he hates,
the third is jayden,

The fourth proves
how good jayden is.

The more people you add,
the less effective it is.

Like a neighborhood dad
garage band.

- come on, it's just dotcom.

- it won't be, because
this is what you're doing.

- i'm driving a bus?

- no, you're--
you're opening the floodgates.

- with a horizontal wheel?

- floodgate wheels
are horizontal!

It was all under control.

Now everyone's gonna want in
and we can't stop them.

- hey, what the frak, nerds?

Pete told me you were only
looking at outside people.

Now dotcom's auditioning?

- frank, i know
you're a stand-up, but--

- no "but."
i want in.

And i'm not changing my act
to fit your stupid show.

- mm-hmm.

- liz, there you are.

- i heard about this whole
dotcom thing.

I'm not saying
i want to audition,

But nicky motorulo
from scotch plains, new jersey

Might be interested.

'ey, fuhgeddaboutit.

- actor emergency!

- where?

- here.

Pete and liz wanna hire
this guy jayden.

He's evil, tracy.

- he's evil tracy?

Oh, he's evil "comma" tracy.

Go on.

- pete and liz are rigging it
to make sure he gets the job.

Do you know who else
they're auditioning?

A one-man band.

Some old australian,
dotcom.

- dotcom?
oh, no.

i once saw that guy
become trigorin

At the wesleyan artspace.

That guy is good.
i can't compete with him.

- okay.

Then we have to make sure
neither one of them gets the job

By finding better actors
ourselves.

- good idea. let's go.

- call my car, i need to go
to the dermatologist.

- i'm sorry, sir.

But until you get
this bedbug situation fixed,

They don't want you using
your company car.

In fact, they suggested
you take...

A taxicab!

- hey.

Why are you scratching?

You have mugabe's concubines.

No, bedbugs!

- good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen,

I'm sorry you bother you,
my name is jack.

And i have bedbugs.

I'm not a drug addict.

I am an executive with
the general electric corporation

And i just need to get
my medicine.

If someone could tell me
how to transfer to the 4 train,

I would be very grateful
to you for your help.

God bless you,
and have a good day.

[chattering,
instruments tuning]

- happy?

- no, not since i was a child.

What is kathy geiss doing here?

- her father heard about
brian williams

And insisted she get a chance.

There's too many people here
for the hornberger system, liz.

What if jack actually picks
one of these weirdos?

Do you know the australian
jackie mason

Was chemically castrated
by his government?

- [sighs]
- liz. pete.

- jayden. you made it.

- so this is my competition,
huh?

- [growls]

- no! bad!

Sorry.
it's a little crazy here today.

- are you kidding?
i'm just happy to be here.

This is corny, but will you
take a picture of me

in front of the tgs sign?

- yes, of course.

[chuckles]
- thanks.

Maybe this will convince
my mom

To stop sending me
law school applications.

[liz and pete laugh]

- my mom used to send me
articles about

How older virgins are considered
good luck in mexico.

- okay, well,
i'll see you onstage.

I can't believe
this is happening.

- okay, this may be
a train wreck,

But that is the body
that we need to pull out of it.

- all right.

I'll rethink the system
and try to make it work.

- hey, at least we know
it can't get any worse.

- if you are a funny gay man,
please get into the car.

- i repeat, all funny gays
into the car.

- i'm not gay.
i'm bi-larious!

[laughter]

[tires screech]

- black people,

I know i've said some terrible
things about you in print.

But i come here today
on a mission of peace.

- we need the funniest fool here
to step forward.

- kolandra! kolandra!

Kolandra! kolandra!

Kolandra! kolandra!

- that'll work.

- good luck on your audition.
you're gonna get it.

- don't jinx me.

- walter,
you're going to get it.

I made you something.

- it's a seagull.

- oh, mr. donaghy.

Did they make you ride
the freight elevator?

- i walked in your shoes today,
kenneth.

- i don't think you did, sir.

I've just got the one pair,
and i sleep in them.

- i fell to the bottom of
the pyramid today.

Cast out of society
like a leper.

No one will look at me,
let alone touch me.

But you will, won't you?

Make me feel human again.

Embrace me, kenneth.

- i've got a thing.

- et tu, kenneth?

- it's just a math equation,
that's all.

Just, okay--you put two women
in a row like--

Who the hell are they?

- these are some actors
we found

Driving all over
this amazing vibrant city.

- and this is
a reimbursement form for my gas.

I drove a million miles.

- look.

I don't know how you dragged
this idiot in

On your paranoia--

- paranoia? where?

- ugh!

You are not taking away
the one good thing

That i get out of
this miserable process.

- if you're talking about
hiring jayden, you're insane.

Just call anyone
he's ever worked with.

- i did.

I called every one
of his references,

And they are impressive.

A commercial with
martin scorsese,

An off-broadway play
with christopher walken.

He's even studying
the meisner technique

With sir gilbert gottfried.

And they all said
the same thing.

Scorsese: all right, let me
tell you one thing about jayden.

I love jayden.

Walken: i love jayden.

Gottfried: i love jayden!

- was describing
your sandwich necessary

To our understanding
of what happened?

- none of your actors
are auditioning.

The hornberger system
will prevail.

- think again, liz.

The hornberger system
will de-vail.

Is that the opposite
of prevail?

- [sighs]

- i hoped it wouldn't
come to this.

But now i have to ruin jayden
psychologically.

- tell me more.

- i'm gonna walk up to him

And say the four
most vicious words

You can say to a person
you've already met.

"nice to meet you."

- and that freaks people out,
huh?

This is a learning
and friendship adventure.

- lemon, are you ready
to get started?

- yes, i just need one minute

To send some of
these people home.

- really?

You're just going to kick
all of them to the curb

Like so much human garbage?

Why are you being so cold
and dispassionate?

- what?
because you told me to.

- and you just blindly do
whatever i say?

What are you, a robot?

- you also told me
to be a robot.

What is going on with you?

- i have bedbugs.

And these bedbugs have chewed
the blinders off my eyes.

These are all people, lemon.
with feelings.

- grr!

- and they all get a chance.
they all get to audition.

Anyone who wants to audition,
just give your name to pete.

- anthony decicco.

I'll need an obama wig.

Frank rossitano.
queens, new york.

I guess dreams
can come true.

So last weekend,
i was at the mall,

But then i went
to the beach [bleep]

With my niece's friend

And then i [bleep] at
the pool party.

- mm-hmm.

Mm.

- for my first character,
i'd like to do an old janitor

Who's finally had enough
and stabs everybody!

- hello, i'm jenna maroney.

- oh, hi, i'm jayden,
nice to meet you.

- how dare you pretend
you don't remember me!

I'm the one who doesn't
remember you!

- josh gerard.
former tgs cast member.

Then some movie work.
that didn't pan out.

Then my agent dropped me.
then a web short.

Where they made me
do guy-guy stuff.

Oh, god, forgive me!

I call this character
smelly belly.

- good evening, we are
laugh of the mohicans.

Our first bit is
the hamburglar--

- no!

- toofer and lutz didn't tell me
they were gonna go together.

This throws off
the whole system.

I gotta find one more.

- hey, dotcom.
nice to meet you.

- why would he
say that to me?

- have you ever wondered
what happens

In the refrigerator
after the light goes off?

Does the milk say,

"let's go down to
the crisper drawer

And make trouble"?

I don't know.
fuhgeddaboutit.

- you wanna be on a tv show?

Come on.

Come on, come on.

- growing up in bed-stuy,
there was a certain music

To the way people talked.

"hey, papi

Whatchoo doin'?"

I'm sorry,
can i start over?

Someone really messed with
my head right before i came on.

- i dreamed that love

Would never die

I dreamed that god

Would be forgiving

- [mechanical sounds]

- okay. here we go.
you can do it.

- hi, i'm jayden michael tyler.

My first piece will be
a dinner party

At martin scorsese's house
with christopher walken

And gilbert gottfried.
- what?

- [as christopher walken]
thank you for inviting us,

Martin.

- [as gilbert gottfried]
i brought wine!

- [wheezing laughter]
- son of a bitch.

I was talking to you
on the phone, wasn't i?

- what?

- [poorly impersonating walken]
give...it up.

I figured out...
your game.

- congratulations.

Your show is so stupid,
i thought you would be too.

- i can't believe i went through
all of this for you.

I fought for you, jayden,

And now i'm gonna have
to start all over.

- no, you don't.

You're giving me the job
no matter what.

Because your fingerprints
are all over my camera.

- so?

- so?

You said you'd only hire me

If i let you take pictures
of my genitals.

- oh, no!

What is wrong with them?

Jenna was right.
you're totally crazy.

- would a crazy person
laugh like this?

[maniacal laughter]

- [mechanical sounds]

- you can use the regular
elevators around the corner.

You're the one
who's human here.

- [despondent intonation]

- well said.

- jenna, you're right.
he's crazy.

We can't hire him.

- who, brian williams?
- no, jayden.

I'm sorry i doubted you.

It's just that you've
never been right before.

About anything.

- i know.

- i gotta find jack.

Tell him we didn't find anyone
and we have to start over.

- my two cents?
i liked the janitor.

- i'd never been to
an audition before.

It was upsetting.

A grotesque carnival
of human misery.

- to be fair,
i did not think kathy geiss

Was gonna finish her song
by taking off her underpants.

- however, the process
was a pleasant reminder

That some of us are,
in fact, better than others.

There was one clear standout
in my opinion.

- no, i know.

He was my favorite too,
but we can't.

He's crazy.
we have to start over.

- all actors
are crazy, lemon,

And the more talented they are,
the crazier they are.

I mean,
look at jenna and tracy.

They handed in
a check request form

For $600,000 worth of gas.

Your job is to manage the crazy
and bring out the talent.

- crazy is one thing,
he's a psychopath.

- you're wrong.
he's a good person.

And this conversation is over.

We're hiring the robot.

- the robot...
is the guy that you like.

And you think he's the best...
because?

- because he was
the only one of them,

The only person in new york
that would shake the hand

Of a man with bedbugs.

Lemon, we're not just hiring
an actor.

We're hiring a coworker,
a human being,

And i say we hire the one

Who lives by the code
of the robot.

Care. love. live.

- okay.

So instead of starting
from scratch,

We are hiring the robot.

On the show.
to act.

Boy, i hope
he speaks english.

Yikes.

- this little light of mine,
lord

All: i'm gonna let it shine

Whoa, this little light
of mine, lord

I'm gonna let it shine

This little light
of mine, lord

I'm gonna let it shine

Every day, every day

Let it shine

Every day, every day

I'm gonna let it shine

Oh, every day, every day

I'm gonna let it shine

Every day, every day

I'm gonna let it shine

Every day, every day

Let it shine

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