All language subtitles for 15. The Deadly Decoy Affair [no italics]

Good evening.

Tonight, the United Network
Command for Law and Enforcement...

...have an affair involving Thrush.

Now, of course, you remember Thrush...

...that nasty international band
of renegades.

Well, let's just see how nasty
they're going to be tonight, hm?

What's the matter?
We have plenty of time.

Waverly called.
He's leaving for Washington at 8:00...

...and he wants us to see him before.

What's he going to Washington for?

They're taking
a top-security prisoner down there.

They're taking him by car...

...and Waverly's going to follow
in a second car and cover him.

Well, when you get to headquarters,
drive around to the back.

We should be able to catch
Waverly's car at the U.N.C.L.E. garage.

All right, the garage it is.

[BEEPING]

[COUGHING]

[BEEPING]

[GUNFIRE]

ILLYA:
Look out!

ILLYA:
Clip.

[GUN CLICKS]

Nice timing, Solo.

A provocative beginning
to an ordinary day's work.

"Nice timing," he says?

We haven't even punched in yet.

You've caught
a very big fish, Mr. Waverly.

A veritable whale, Mr. Kuryakin.

Egon Stryker ranks third
in the Thrush command.

The information he has is priceless.

Yes, but to extract it....

That is not our concern
at the moment.

He has a prior speaking engagement
with the CIA in Washington.

Which I doubt
Thrush will let him keep.

Well, that will be your problem:
to transport Stryker to Washington.

We didn't move him
with force this morning...

...since we believe that Thrush
didn't know we had him yet.

Now we shall have to be
a little more imaginative.

Well, they probably have us bottled up.

It'll take a small army to get him out.

No, armored car and escort
ought to do it.

At least as far as the airport.

When do we leave, sir?

I leave in an hour.

I'm taking that man myself, personally.

You may leave whenever you wish.

Use whatever transportation
you think fit.

Send him in, alone.

Sir, I thought that you said
we were to take Stryker to Washington.

Yes, certainly.

Gentlemen, Egon Stryker.

Mr. Stryker, Napoleon Solo,
Illya Kuryakin.

Your escorts to Washington.

Are you complimenting them
or insulting me?

Precise injections of wax
under the skin...

...bit of a touchup, of course,
does wonders.

It's an excellent likeness,
I grant you that, Waverly, but still, a decoy?

Hardly what we've come to expect
of you.

Precisely my intention,
to come up with the unexpected.

If you please....

You should pay your help better,
Waverly.

WAVERLY:
Well, gentlemen, any questions?

ILLYA:
The answers seem to be evident.

You will take the decoy to Washington
under heavy security guard...

...hoping to lure Thrush after you...

...while we take this man,
the real Stryker, with us.

You'll act like ordinary people and use
the ordinary means of transportation.

I don't think Thrush is likely to anticipate
anything quite so-- So foolhardy.

- Mr. Solo.
SOLO: Hm?

Any questions?

Yes, as a matter of fact,
I do have one question:

Must we deliver him
in perfect condition?

Well, if Thrush is going to try anything,
it'll have to be now.

It'll be whenever my associate see fit,
Mr. Solo, anytime, anywhere.

And I assure you...

...not only against my alter ego.

Well, we'll try and make it
a fun game for them.

[STATIC NOISE ON MACHINE]

Two guards on the steps.

Two guards in front of the truck.

Two more behind.
He's coming out now.

- What about Stryker? Is he limping?
- Yes.

Much?

He's limping.

Stryker throws away his cigarette.

They're getting into the truck.

His cigarette,
which hand did he hold it in?

The right.

So....

Execute Blue Plan.

[POLICE SIRENS WAILING]

They're leaving now.

Watch them.

WAVERLY: Up on the sidewalk.
That's acid, it'll burn the tires.

[POLICE SIRENS WAILING]

They got through.

Watch the receiver.

What about the alternate plan,
shouldn't we begin?

There's time.

Watch U.N.C.L.E. just a little longer.

[PHONE RINGING]

Yes?

Oh.

Yeah, very good.

Well, all right, we're leaving.

There was an attempt on the truck
about a block away. It failed.

STRYKER:
Very shoddy work.

Lapels should never be pressed,
only rolled gently.

All right, they've taken the bait, Stryker.
Shall we go?

Stryker.

Be a good boy, please.

[MACHINE BLEEPING]

I can't see his face...

...but he has the same build
and walks with a limp.

Do you think this is the decoy
or the other?

I think that Mr. Waverly has made...

...one of his rare mistakes.

Decoy is in the armored truck.

Execute Yellow Plan.

[IN ITALIAN ACCENT] What's the matter?
You no like the guy in the front?

Hey, his cab was the wrong color.
Pennsylvania Station, please.

Some people....

We got two ways to get there:
slow and slower.

Which way you want?

Your way.

Mamma mia. You stupid pedestrians.

They walk in the gutters
like there's no sidewalks.

They're begging you to hit them.

Hey, you mind,
you roll up your window, huh?

- Yeah, I mind very much.
- Hey!

Just keep your hands on the wheel,
turn the corner and pull over.

ILLYA:
I'm sure you concur.

SOLO: Charge whatever is on the meter
to Thrush.

You're a mind reader too, Mr. Solo.

No, but I can read registrations.

And an Italian accent doesn't go
with the name of O'Brien, huh? Yeah.

Move it out.

Come on.

Good afternoon, messieurs,
may I help you?

Yes. Yes, you can. We'd like to see
something in the way of gowns.

I only show by appointment.

I am Kuryakin of Paris.
These are my associates.

Your establishment
has been highly recommended.

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

FLEUR:
Oh, in this case, I'll be just a moment.

- Make yourselves comfortable, messieurs.
STRYKER: Thank you.

This is really most entertaining.

The best part of the show
is the magic act coming up.

I'm sure there's a back way out.
Come on.

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

Dead end.

- It just as lethal this way.
SOLO: Damn it.

Do you have cuffs, Illya?

- Yeah.
- All right, you better hook us up.

The window.

Give me your key.

Where he goes, I go.

Really, Solo,
dismemberment is most distasteful.

Well, as the saying goes,
"I'd give my arm for you."

- Over there.
- No, I just have my model--

Messieurs, s'il vous pla�t.
But these are dressing rooms.

- No men are allowed.
NARUM: Stay out of the way, madam.

SOLO:
Hurry up, Illya.

ILLYA:
All right, all right.

Please. You're upsetting my models.

- Be quiet, madam.
- These are dressing rooms.

No men are allowed.

All right.

STRYKER:
More and more entertaining.

ILLYA: You were the one
who threw away the key.

Yes, I'm sure
that you have a great deal to say...

- ...but keep your voice down, all right?
FRAN: Mm-hm.

I'm awfully sorry.

I didn't mean to do anything wrong,
really.

I think you got the wrong idea.
I wasn't gonna steal this outfit.

I was just trying it on
to see what it looked like.

- Very enchanting, my dear.
- Oh, well, thank you.

I'd love to buy it, but on my salary--

Why were you hiding back there?

Well, I was just putting on the dress
when you came in...

...and, well, you understand that.

Napoleon, we're wasting time.

You've got to believe me.

- I wasn't going to steal anything.
- I believe you, yes.

- Oh, well, then I'm not under arrest, huh?
- No, no, not at all. No.

- That's a load off my mind.
- There's a way out here.

All right. Miss-- What--?

- Fran Parsons.
- Over to the window, please.

- What for? Aren't you gonna take these off?
- There's no time to explain now.

They will make her conspicuous,
to say nothing of that dress--

Well, we don't have any time.
You first, Stryker.

Wait a minute, where are you taking me?

- To Washington.
- Oh.

But I'm on my lunch hour.

This is Narum.

Torelli let them get away.

Kill him.

He did manage to find out
they'd gone to Penn Station.

They must be taking the train
to Washington.

Make the necessary arrangements.
Kill him anyway.

[TRAIN HORN TOOTING]

So I decided a long time ago, it was simply
because I was born under a bad sign.

Virgo in the wrong quadrant
with Pisces.

Well, that's not exactly it,
but it's something like that.

But it's never failed.

Every time I start to do anything,
something goes wrong.

Even if I don't do anything at all.

There's always
some kind of catastrophe.

I'd hardly call this a catastrophe,
Miss Parsons.

Oh, well, I didn't mean it personally.

But take this for instance:

I've always wanted to go to Washington.

I've never been to Washington.

This is how it happens.

STRYKER:
Of course, it's very, very unfortunate.

But I trust that you'll forgive us
and let us make it up to you later.

Right, Solo?

That's right, Stryker. I'll take care of it.

Personally.

Oh, it's not as bad as all that.

But I don't know much about the police,
but you are being gentlemen.

You are, aren't you?

Well, I've been called many things,
but always a gentleman.

But you are the police or the FBI
or whatever.

Everything happened so fast, I--

As a citizen, I do have the right
to see your identification.

Well, uh....

I'm a prisoner. Ask him.

- Oh--
- Oh, excuse me.

"United Network Command
for Law and Enforcement."

It's otherwise known as U.N.C.L.E.

And he's your prisoner?

An international criminal.
A dangerous spy.

[FRAN LAUGHS]

Didn't I tell you?

It could only happen to me.

- Station?
- No, we're out in the middle of nowhere.

All right, just sit back, Stryker.

Why are we stopping?
Is there trouble?

No. They're repairing the roadbed up ahead.
Cut a couple of tracks temporarily.

We have to wait for the northbound.

- You're not kidding, are you?
- I told you I was a very dangerous spy.

I have to go back to my mommy now.
Thanks for lollipop.

Wait. Sonny, wait.

Excuse me, please.
Let me go through, please.

What's the matter?
Don't you enjoy my company?

I'll call the conductor.

Yes, why don't you?

Napoleon, the suitcase.

All right, watch them, Illya.

SOLO:
Everybody, down!

[GUNSHOTS]

We'd better get Stryker off the train.

- We can handle those two.
- Can't handle their sleeping gas.

- Go, I'll cover you.
- Go on out, Stryker.

- You're endangering this girl's life.
- She's not gonna be safer with them.

Cover fire, Illya.

[GUNSHOTS]

SOLO:
Come on!

[GUNSHOTS]

[GUNSHOTS]

- Are you hurt?
- No, but look at my shoe.

Don't worry. I'll open a charge account
for you at Madame Fleur.

What about my stockings?
They're mine.

Send Mr. Solo the bill, Miss Parsons.
His uncle is a very rich man.

Well, it's a long way to Washington,
isn't it?

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Oh, I trust you don't intend
to walk all the way to Washington.

Far enough to cover our trail.

Your Thrush seems to have
some uncanny way of finding us.

Hold it. Come on.

[CAR PASSES]

You're a very nervous man, Mr. Solo.

All I did was use my lunch hour
to try on a dress.

I could have tried on a hat, shoes.
I need a purse.

I could even have had lunch.

[FRAN LAUGHS]

Oh, no, but this has to happen to me.

Listen, you'll look back on this as a very
stimulating and amusing experience.

Very.

Particularly the part on the train.

I loved all the dead bodies.

Just asleep temporarily.
It was narco-vapor.

Oh!

Oh, you're carrying this too far, Solo.
She's exhausted.

The least you could do
is stop one of those cars.

Maybe we could get a ride anyway.

Oh, I'm sure we could.

This area is probably
crawling with your men.

Maybe we could stop
over there for a while.

You know, take a little rest.

- I'm only thinking of Miss Parsons.
- Yes, I'm sure you are.

No, altruism has never been one
of the outstanding traits of Thrush.

- Can you make it to that house?
- If it means I can collapse.

Only long enough
to make a phone call.

Hope you have lots to say.

One more thing.
Not a word from either one of you.

I'll make all the explanations
that are necessary.

Be interesting to see
how you get around these.

Just keep holding hands and keep them
out of the sight. Agreed?

Or would you prefer to continue walking?

I'm with you.

Oh, and so are you.

We are content with our way of life.

In your view, simple maybe.
"Strange," you may call us.

But we do not uphold
with modern conveniences.

Telephones and the like
we are thinking unnecessary complications.

I'm inclined to agree
with you, Mr. Thyssen.

But in this case, a telephone
would have been rather nice...

...with our car broken down and all that.

THYSSEN:
More milk now?

No, no, really, that's very kind of you.
We must be going now.

Nonsense. It's too late already.

And this poor lamb, now. How do you
think she can go any farther yet?

The back bedroom is ready.
You can take her up.

- That's very nice of you, Mrs. Thyssen--
- We've imposed on you long enough.

- Thank you.
- Oh, fiddlesticks.

Mrs. Thyssen, an unseemly suggestion
you might be making now.

For really, Mr. Thyssen.
Unseemly you make it maybe. Look at them.

Since all evening, still,
they've been holding hands.

Not once did they let go even.

Who else but man and wife
could be so loving yet?

Well, Solo.

Yes, as I said,
that's very kind of Mrs. Thyssen, but--

[AIRPLANE FLYING OVERHEAD]

Excuse me.

Something is wrong?

We're about 11 miles
from the railroad tracks now.

There's a state highway
directly to the south...

...and a large farmhouse directly ahead.

Hold this course.

You have many planes
in this part of the country?

Once in a while.

An airfield we have, maybe 20 miles over.

A small one still.

Mrs. Thyssen, we accept.

I'm sure you'd want these lovely people
to spend their wedding night in seclusion.

Oh, wedding night.

Mr. Thyssen, I told you.

I'm sure you agree. Way out here...

...our friends wouldn't be able to annoy us,
would they? Hm?

Up to you.

- Dear?
FRAN: Hm?

- Wake up, sweetheart.
- Okay.

Go along now. Your room is ready.

- Say good night, darling.
- Good night, darling.

- Good night?
- Good night.

- What is going on here? Why--?
STRYKER: Come along. Come on.

The back bedroom,
the last door by the left.

No wonder she's so wondrously dressed.
Today they were married, yeah?

Yes, joined this afternoon,
as a matter of fact.

Bless them.

- The sofa, I hope you find comfortable.
- Thank you for your trouble, yes.

You're welcome.

- Come, Mr. Thyssen, late it's getting.
- Yeah.

- Sleep well, Mr. Solo.
- Same to you, Mr. Thyssen.

Same to you. Good night.

Ooh!

[GROANING]

Ya, ya, ya, ya. Ooh.

Narum?

Small country road and a farm.

[MACHINE BLEEPING]

They're somewhere below us.

This blasted static
is ruining our reception.

[STATIC NOISE ON MACHINE]

Tell the pilot to circle away
to the east.

Just a minute, Mr. Stryker.

I've been a good sport
about this whole thing...

...but a girl has to draw the line
someplace.

Miss Parsons,
I don't have time to argue...

...and I don't have any time
for anything else, either.

Very ungentlemanly of you, Mr. Solo...

...interrupting a couple
on their wedding night.

Just wanted to bring you a little present.
Sit there, please.

Be so kind to occupy this seat.

Thank you.

And the present is...

...a divorce.

You can't be serious, Solo.

You're not going all the way
to Washington in this.

Well, it's the best Mr. Thyssen could do.

He doesn't believe
in modern conveniences.

Feels they're unnecessary complications.

Oh, well, it sure beats walking
and it's a lot more fun.

I'm a city girl.
I've never been in a carriage before.

I must say,
you're a lot brighter this morning.

My feet don't hurt.

You should have stayed at the farmhouse,
my dear.

What, a groom leave his bride
the morning after the wedding?

Somehow, I don't think the Thyssens
would have understood.

[FRAN LAUGHS]

[MACHINE BLEEPING]

Well, Thrush is nothing
if not persistent.

[MACHINE BLEEPING]

They must have a homing device on you.

That's why we haven't been able
to shake them.

I knew I should've had you stripped
and searched before we left New York.

I assure you, Waverly did.

[MACHINE BLEEPING]

They're turning this way, Mr. Solo.

SOLO:
Whoa.

[MACHINE BLEEPING]

They didn't see us.

Well, I wouldn't count on it.

Move it out, Stryker. Come on.

Sorry, but you've made things
a bit difficult for me.

[STATIC NOISE ON THE MACHINE]

They're coming back.

Well, you can relax, Stryker.

The United States Marine Corps
to the rescue.

All right, now, you let me
do the talking, miss.

And you sit back and shut up.

What's wrong? They're the police.

They may have a tendency to arrest first
and ask questions later...

...once they spot the remnants
of those cuffs on your wrists.

- Good morning.
- What are you doing here?

Well, we just stopped
for a few minutes.

To give our horse a rest.

Let's see some identification.

Yes, of course.

There you are.

Ugh!

No, no. Not yet.

Mr. Solo has been showing me
a most entertaining time...

...and I'd like to return the compliment.

[GROANING]

Welcome back, Mr. Solo.

And my compliments
on your iron constitution.

Previous victims have never recovered
in less than an hour.

You've cut that time in a half.

We'll have to give you a stronger dose
next time.

[INDISTINCT SPEECH
COMING OVER RADIO]

- Next time?
- Of course.

U.N.C.L.E. kept me alive
for my informative value.

Thrush intends to do the same with you.

What about Miss Parsons?

It's been a most delightful association
I assure you...

...but I'm afraid that she knows too much.
She's seen too much.

Oh, don't worry about that. I can be
very stupid and I have a terrible memory.

I'm sorry, dear.
You should have stayed at the farmhouse.

Mr. Stryker,
I've just spoken to Mr. Frame.

The plane will be waiting for you
at the local airfield in 30 minutes.

STRYKER:
It's only 10 miles away. We have time.

He wants you there
as quickly as possible, sir.

That signal
on your sender is getting weak.

STRYKER: To be expected.
It wasn't supposed to last this long.

You were on the right track, Solo.

You see, Solo...

...when Waverly had me searched,
he neglected to include my mouth.

Ah, yes.

- As the saying goes, "All that glitters isn't--"
- There's another saying:

- "He who laughs--"
- "Simply laughs," Solo. Otherwise, he'd cry.

What about Waverly and the decoy?
Any word?

They didn't take the plane
to Washington.

That was another one of their little tricks
to throw us off.

They're still in that armored car.

STRYKER: Are we keeping up the pressure
to make them believe we'd been fooled?

COP: Yes, sir. And we still have men
covering the destination.

You see? We're very thorough, Solo.

We know everything that you do,
or try to.

Well, life without any surprises
must be rather dull.

Sir, it's getting late.

- Take him to the car.
- And the girl?

She'll go as far as the airport.

If you please, Miss Parsons.

Let's not spoil
our last few moments together.

As I recall,
we were on our way to Washington.

- Up.
FRAN: Get off of me.

I don't mean to be impolite, Miss Parsons,
but this is where we part company.

If you don't mind,
I'd just as soon stay.

No, I think I've caused you
enough trouble already.

What I want you to do
is check in to that hotel there...

...pick out the best suite you can,
then call the finest shop in town...

...and get yourself outfitted
from head to toe.

Who will pay for it?

Well, as Mr. Stryker said,
I have a very rich uncle.

- Well, it would be a shame to waste it.
- Oh, it won't.

As a matter of fact, at 9:00, I want you
to come down to the cocktail lounge...

...get the table in the corner,
order some martinis...

...well-chilled and very, very dry.

How many?

I'd say two to start with.
And get a twist of lemon for me.

You have yourself a date, Mr. Solo.

You'd better keep it.

That goes double for you.

Too bad you can't join us, Mr. Stryker.

Who knows.
And just in case, I prefer an olive.

All right, I will see you later,
Miss Parsons.

- Right. And make it Fran, huh?
- All right.

A very charming girl. I'll have to look her up
when I get back to New York.

- Mm-hm.
- What are you doing with that?

Well, I just wanted to see
how much iron you had...

- ...in your constitution.
- Wait.

You said that Thrush had our destination
covered, so he's our password.

You fool. You--

[CHUCKLES]

Hello.

Yes. I'm calling from the corner
of 4th and Wilson.

I've got a very sick man over here.

Oh, he's in wretched condition,
you should see him.

Send an ambulance right away.

All right, fine. Thank you.

Goodbye.

Take him to the desk.
There's a room waiting for him.

- Miss.
NURSE: Yes?

There's reservation for a room.

I believe it was made yesterday
for a Mr. Smith by his uncle.

Sorry, we don't admit patients
at this entrance.

- You'll have to go to the admissions.
DOCTOR: Nurse.

Just a moment,
I've been expecting this patient.

His cousin referred him to me.

His second cousin?

Right.

But I didn't expect him in this condition.
What happened?

A sudden attack.

Understandable.

My colleagues
are waiting for a consultation.

We'll get him up to his room
right away.

Orderly, take this patient to 1432.

I understood the room was to be 710.

There was a fire in 710. Incendiary.

He'll take over now.

My orders were to deliver him
personally.

Your orders have been changed.

Since this morning,
everything has changed.

We shouldn't have allowed you to bring him,
but no way to contact you.

Well, Mr. Waverly
should have told me that.

We have not heard from Mr. Waverly
since last night.

Now, you stop wasting time.

There are Thrush agents
all over the hospital.

No, they're with us.

Now, will you please cooperate?

All right.

Well, congratulations.
I would say that you beat my record.

- Solo--
- Just relax now.

- I'll give your regards to Miss Parsons.
- No. No.

SOLO: Illya.
- Shh.

Ah!

WAVERLY:
Solo, did you get Stryker here?

Yes, like a prize idiot
I let them take him upstairs.

- Sorry about leaving you.
- That's all right.

As you said, I could handle those two.
But understand one thing...

...you didn't turn Stryker over to them.
We were the ones that had the decoy.

The man we were escorting is an U.N.C.L.E.
agent whose name is Paul Westcott.

And he's the one that's up there now.

Well, that makes it even worse.
They're heading for the basement.

Come on. Let's find a stairway.

- Here he is, sir.
- Very good.

My congratulations on your escape,
Mr. Stryker.

You were the one who made it possible.

Are you feeling all right?

A few aftereffects, nothing serious.

- We better hurry, sir.
- Yes.

- The ambulance is waiting.
- By the elevator.

Oh, my case.

Mr. Stryker, would you be so good?

Of course.

Narum, which hand did he use?

Why, the right.

Kill him.

[GUNSHOT]

Come on. Get over against the wall.

- Are you all right?
- Of course.

But next time I'd appreciate it...

...if you didn't cut it quite so fine.

You looking for somebody,
Mr. Stryker?

Excuse me. Mr. Westcott.

Why, yes, a certain delightful young lady.
She promised me a martini.

As I recall, I made the engagement.

A mere technicality.
Why not let her choose?

You can drop the pose now.

- Pose?
- Mm-hm. I mean, it was a good act.

You convinced everybody
you were Stryker.

And it was easier for Illya and I
by not knowing the truth.

However, to put it bluntly,
I wish you would stop acting obnoxious.

Stop? Well, Solo,
I could no more stop breathing.

WESTCOTT:
You got my message, Miss Parsons?

- Yes, and I was very happy to get it.
- And you remembered our date?

Well, yes.

Well, there comes a time
in every young lady's life...

...when she must make a decision.

Don't be silly.
I'll never get another chance like this.

Two martinis, well-chilled, extra dry,
one with an olive.

I'm sticking to ginger ale.

It'll be safer.

[ENGLISH SDH]