All language subtitles for Boris.And.Natasha.1992.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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NARRATOR:
Well, ever since our
last episode,

which was around 1964,
give or take a couple of weeks

there's been a lot of water
under the bridge.

Walls have fallen,
governments have toppled.

Yes, the winds of freedom have
swept Eastern Europe and the
world will never be the same.

Crowds of people massed
in the streets,

cheering and celebrating
their newfound freedom.

Yes, everyone
is just delighted.

PEOPLE: [IN UNISON] Yay.

NARRATOR:
All except for one
little, tiny country

where the cold war
is still freezing.

A puny, pipsqueak principality
where nastiness is a virtue.

Where being mean and rotten is
the national pastime,

and everyone
spends so much time
double-crossing each other

that they don't even have time
for lunch.

Yes, neatly nestled
between the borders

of Wrestlemania and
Yoursovania, that's right,

ooh boy, you guessed it,
hokey smoke,

watch me pull a rabbit out of
my hat, it's that soot capital
of the world, Pottsylvania!

And, as our story opens,
the meanest, nastiest,

no goodnik of them all,

the man they call
Fearless Leader.

Thank you. NARRATOR: You're welcome.

Has a very big problem.

And so he has called
in his best operative.

A man so sinister,
so dangerous, so badly lit,

Where the hell
have you been?

I don't see that that's
any of your business.

NARRATOR:
With pleasantries
out of the way,

Fearless Leader explained
the whole story,

beginning with
the most astonishing

scientific breakthrough
in the history of the world.

ANNOUNCER: Presenting time
reverse microchip

demonstration
number one.

The microchip is in place.

My brother, Kregor
will shatter the beaker,

and the release of energy
will trigger the microchip.

ANNOUNCER:
Obviously,

the implications of this
invention are staggering.

The microchip freezes
time, then backs
it up three seconds.

We can reverse catastrophes,
save lives,

even protect the military

by rendering
any object indestructible.

With this remarkable device,

there is virtually no limit
to the benefit for mankind.

We feel this invention
is the most astonishing

scientific breakthrough... I'm impressed.

With a chip like that,
a man could rule the world.

Yes. Unfortunately, three days
after that film was made,

Paulovitch took the chip
and disappeared.

I see. And I am
supposed to find him
and bring him back.

You're the best there is.
That's why I called for you.

And you want me
to risk my cover

on such a dangerous
mission as that?

What else do you suggest?

Give me a decoy.

A loyal, trusting agent.

Someone expendable,
a total idiot.

Send him to find
the Professor.

I will follow
at a discreet distance,

and the moment Paulovitch
is found,

I will kill them both and
return the microchip to you.

Brilliant!

Now, who would be
the perfect decoy?

NARRATOR:
Who indeed?
Rodgers and Hammerstein?

Sonny and Cher?
Bilbo Baggins?

No, as anybody who looked
at their tickets before

they came into the theater
ought to know,

it's...

[SCREAMING]

Of course,
it was Boris and Natasha,

who at this moment, were
somewhere in a remote part
of the Middle East.

Boris. Boris, darling.

Where is egg?

Egg, egg.
Where is egg?

NARRATOR:
And on the run
with an elaborate,

jewel-encrusted egg
they had recently stolen

from a potentate's palace.

Oh, Boris, darling
you're a genius.

[CHUCKLES]

[MAN SHOUTING]

Come on.

[METAL THUDDING]

BORIS: Chicken!

Hurry up. Hurry up.

[GUN FIRING]

Get the car!

[BORIS SCREAMING]

BORIS:
What a pathetic shot.
Watch out for the camel.

Ahh!

MAN: Watch where you're going.

Look out!

There!

[SCREAMING]

Go, go!

Look out! Look out!

Go to the alley.

[SCREAMING]

Boris, quick.

[SCREAMING]

[GASPS] What we do now?

We got to find our contact. The one-eyed man.

Where is one-eyed man? Here.

The Alley of the Damned.

You first. Come on.
Let's go.

[CHATTERING]

They got a lot of
one-eyed guys here.

The four corners of Egypt
belong to King Tut.

[ALL MURMURING CONFUSEDLY]

The four corners of Egypt
belong to King Tut.

[ALL CLAMORING]

[ALL CHATTERING]

[ALL CHEERING]

Bye-bye! Bye-bye!

Stop them! Stop them!

[SCREAMING]

Too bad, Gorda,
you missed!

Wait a minute,
aren't there only two of them?

Yes, Colonel Gorda.

For a moment
I thought I saw three.

Hey, Gorda,
we have your egg!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

NARRATOR:
So back in Pottsylvania and
with their mission completed,

Boris and Natasha suddenly
received an urgent summons

from their beloved
Fearless Leader.

Yes, even they could tell
something very important

was about to happen.

Fearless Leader,
we are honored.

We are so honored. Good.

Your mission is to infiltrate
the United States of America.

United States.

Once inside,
you are to locate this man.

His name is Professor
Anton Paulovitch.

Other than that,
I can tell you nothing.

[GASPS]

Now, a direct infiltration
will never work.

Therefore,
your orders are these.

You yourselves
must pose as defectors.

Defectors?

From the moment
you leave this room,

your every action
must be consistent

with that of a traitor.

You must affect your
own escape across
the border.

Once you arrive
in America,

you must convince
the authorities

that you are sincere.

If you fail,
they will kill you.

Keep a low profile.
Speak to no one.

And if you get the feeling
you're being followed,

ignore it. Ignore it?

Oh, yes.

Fatale...

This mission is,
by far, the greatest honor
of your careers.

Congratulations.

You are now officially
traitors to the state.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

[CACKLING]

NARRATOR:
Well, next morning,

in a typically
misguided attempt

to follow their instructions
to the letter,

Come on. Come on.

NARRATOR:
They set sail for America.

Row, row.
Row, row.

NARRATOR:
Unfortunately, America
was a lot farther away

than it looked on
their Rand McNally,

and seven hours later... Water! Water!

NARRATOR:
We were in danger of having
a very short movie.

But luckily, Fearless Leader
was right behind

in a Pottsylvanian PT boat
to haul our heroes to safety.

Next, he personally drove
our diligent defectors

out to the heavily-fortified
Pottsylvanian border

and waited while our heroes
surveyed the landscape

and settled on the
perfect plan for escape.

And it almost worked too.

[EARTH RUMBLING]

[SCREAMING]

And so,
with a song in their heart,

a lump in their throat,

and absolutely
no idea where the hell
they were going,

Boris and Natasha
implemented Plan C,

marching straight up and over
the famed Pottsylvanian alp.

Unfortunately,
they had forgotten

it was the middle
of winter,

and as the temperature
began to plummet...

[WIND WHISTLING]

Boris. Don't sleep.

NARRATOR:
Fearless Leader had to
rescue them once again.

Finally, in a last
ditch attempt

to get the plot moving,

Fearless Leader gave them
two one way tickets

to the land of the free
and the home of the brave.

Trinidad.
Where, cleverly enough,

they caught
the first plane to America.

And from the very moment
they landed,

it looked like smooth sailing.

At last, they had infiltrated
the United States, undetected.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[TIRES SCREECH]

Don't shoot.
Don't shoot.

We like America. We defect.
We defect.

We're defectors. We're defectors.

Thank you so much.

You are so kind.

Ooh, very nice car.

NARRATOR:
Yes, it was a nice car.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

And it took them to
a very nice building,

which turned out to be
none other than

the national headquarters
of the CIA.

SHELDON: Hi. Welcome
to the ranch.

I'm Sheldon Kaufman,
and...

I'm Boris Badanov,

and this is my assistant,
Natasha Fatale.

How do you do. Hi.

Sorry about all the cloak
and dagger stuff,

but, well,

it's not every day
we get a couple of
high-powered Pottsylvanian

operatives defecting
to the United States.

Now then,
we have a thing we call,

in our country,
the defector's program.

If a defector,
such as yourselves,

is really, really sincere,

and you certainly
look sincere to me.

We not only let you
into the country

but we provide you
with a place to live,

a little spending money,

everything you could
possibly need

to live your lives
as new Americans.

How wonderful. Thank you very much.

Of course, there's a little
routine we go through first.

Just a technicality.
A medical exam,

a few questions.

We will tell you
everything.

This mental exam,
how difficult...

No, medical exam. Oh. [LAUGHS]

How delightful.

Fine.
Shall we get started?

Now, I'm going to
show you some pictures.

Just tell me what you see.

Bomb explosion.

Machine gun attack
at small embassy.

Ooh, mushka mishka,

a little puppy
with floppy ear.

Carrying leather bomb...Into small embassy.

NARRATOR:
And for the next five hours,

Boris and Natasha were
poked and prodded

by a host of doctors
in a myriad of
medical examinations.

Followed by an even more
grisly series

of irritating jump cuts,

and finally culminating

in the toughest examination
of them all.

But they had their story
and they were stuck with it.

MAN: Are you defecting
to the United States
of your own free will?

Yes. Yes.

Are you currently employed

by the Pottsylvanian
secret service?

Absolutely not.No.

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

Are you now,
or have you ever been,

a member of any organization

advocating overthrow of
the United States government?

Yes. No!

NATASHA:
Yup. No. Yes.

No, but yes.

Yes and no.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, they are either
incredibly smart or
incredibly stupid.

I certainly have never
seen anything like them.

Neither have I.

I hope you're not thinking of
letting them in the program.

They're compulsive liars.

WOMAN: They're
violent, stupid,

not to mention
their bomb fixation.

I don't know, maybe
we could learn something.

We haven't had a defection
in six months.

I mean, we could
always just play along.

Look, if we deport them,

we're never gonna find out
what they're after.

Personally,
I'd deport them.

Deport them.

[JEOPARDY!THEME SONG PLAYING]

[GULPS]

[GULPS]

Hi.

Willie, you know
what we got here?

A couple of brand new
Americans.

[LAUGHS]

[THUDS]

[LAUGHS]

[SALLY KELLERMAN'S IT'S GOOD
TO BE BAD PLAYING]

♪ It's good to be bad
It's bad to be good ♪

♪♪ It's good to be bad
It's bad to be good ♪

WILLIE:
Listen, now,
once you get settled,

why don't you give me a call?
We can get together,

I can show you around,
we can see some sights,

go to some clubs.

Hey, you like to dance? Dance for wedding.

How about music?
I know some great
jazz clubs.

No. I got it.

Why don't we get in touch
with some of your friends

or relatives.
You just give me the names,

we can find anybody. Boris is orphan and I am shy.

NARRATOR:
And so, charming as ever,

our heroes at last arrived
at their new American home.

WILLIE:
So, what do you think?

We share with
other family, yes?

Mmm-mmm. It's yours.
All yours.

Look, you've got
your solid-state,

color TV, 162 channels,
cable ready,

your 16 zone security system
with infrared motion detector,

two line solid-state
beeperless remote
answering machine.

Kitchen's got all
the regular stuff.

Here's your blender,
automatic coffee maker,

water purification system,
trash compactor, microwave.

Aw, you guys know how
to use all this stuff.

That's just about it.
Uh, let's see,

I got some credit cards, maps,
and some spending cash,

and here's the keys.
Here you go.

You guys
are probably tired.

Yes, yes.
We're very tired.

We're very tired.
We're thanking you so much.

We are so delightful
to be here.

So good night. Okay, listen,

if you need anything
or you've got any
questions, you call me.

Okay? Okay.

Bye.Okay, bye.

Boris. We fooled them,
we did it. We did it.

[CHUCKLING]

Boris, you are so bad.

You are so bad
you are good.

It's good to be bad.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Boris. Boris.

Mmm-hmm.

Hmm.

Boris. BORIS: What?

I am liking this
person, Willie.

He is very smart-minded.

He's stupid
as a bag of hammers.

I think I will make
friend with him.

Will make good cover.

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

NATASHA: Boris?

I'm not worried
about our cover.

I'm worried about finding
that damn professor.

And getting a
good night sleep.

Of course, darling.
You have had very hard,
long day.

But tomorrow,

we will complete
our mission

and we will get
out of horrible country.

You will be great hero.

Goodnight, poopsie.Goodnight, darling.

Americans live
in such tall building.

So funny.

It is nice to be alone.
No one snooping over shoulder,

no one listening to you. BORIS: Shut up out there!

I'm trying to get some sleep.

Is nice to be alone.

[VOICES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
OVER RADIO DEVICES]

MAN:
We have lights out.

WOMAN:
We have clearance
on surveillance...

NARRATOR:
And as the prying eyes
of the CIA

kept close watch
on our heroes,

an even closer watch was being
kept by the sinister Agent X.

But what he didn't know
is that he himself

was being watched by an even
more mysterious figure.

A man with very bad taste
in footwear,

lurking in the shadows.

Who was this mystery man?
Another spy?

Another wrinkle in the plot?

Did he work for Florsheim?

Did we give him
these weird shoes

just so you'd recognize
him later?

Let's not get
ahead of ourselves.

Okay, the first thing we've
got to do is find Kalishak.

Kalishak the assassin?He doesn't do that anymore.

He's here
in the States now,

he sells information
to the highest bidder.

If anybody knows where
the Professor is, he does.

Oh, darling,
you are so smart.

Ah! Those pigs,
those pigs!

Those pigs, those pigs!

What they do, Boris?

They took my dynamite.

[GASPS] Those pigs,
those pigs!

Ah, is all right.
I've still got my spares.

I knew you could not
trust capitalists.

Not trust anybody.

Look at this closet.

Typical American waste
of space.

Would make nice home
for small family.

[PHONE RINGING]

I've got static
in the fish tank.

Yeah?

SHELDON: [OVER PHONE]
Get me Willie.

Yes, sir. Willie?

Hi, boss. SHELDON: So, everybody happy?

Yeah, so far.
What do you think?

I think we give them
some rope,

then when we see
what they're up to,

we hang them.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[BOTH] Surprise!

Who the hell are you?

BOTH:
Your next door neighbors.

[BOTH] Surprise!

You don't think
we're too pushy, do you?

Well, of course you think
we're pushy.

Harve thinks we're pushy. I think she's perfect.

Oh, Harve.

I mean, we did
just barge right in.

You know, we figured,

as a couple of new Americans
from behind the iron drapes,

you deserved
a real welcome.

Don't you just
love sushi, mmm?

I feel like it's
moving in my mouth.
Fish eggs, anyone?

So tell us all
about Pottsylvania.

It's very cold.

Oh, I get it.
Pottsylvanians are quiet.

I bet you think Americans
talk too much, don't you?

We do talk too much.
I talk too much.

I think you're perfect.

But I mean, how are you gonna
know anything unless you ask?

That's a great thing
about America.

You can ask anything
you want.

So you work out?

I like you, Tash,
you're a lot of fun.

I am? Yeah.

You're gonna love
this country.

You've got everything
going for you.

New home, nice husband,
great cheekbones.

Boris is not husband.

Oh. There's nothing wrong
with living with
your boyfriend

till you tie the knot.

What knot?

Hit me in the stomach!

Go ahead,
you can't hurt me.

Oh, trust me, Tash,
you've gotta be
able to see it.

[BORIS PUNCHING HARVE] HARVE: Whoa!

You think so?

It's obvious, Tash.
Boris adores you.

The man's in love.

I haven't done dishes
in a long time.

I cook,
so Harve cleans up.

Harve does work
in kitchen?

We split everything,
50-50.

Hit the disposal,
will you?

Night you two,
bye-bye.

Bye.Thank you for food.

Harve!

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Goodnight. Bye.

[GRUNTS]

I thought
they'd never leave.

NARRATOR:
Well, so did we,

but at last they were
on their way to see

their old friend Kalishak,

a man who felt
anybody's business

bably be him.

BORIS:
The four corners of Egypt
are ruled by King Tut.

Badanov?

Boris Badanov?

[LAUGHING]

Boris Badanov.

The four corners of Egypt
are ruled by King Tut.

You're killing me.
Please stop. Stop.

I know the password already.
Please, don't do it to me.

I can't believe
Boris Badanov is here.

Holy smokeronis!

And his devoted flunky,
Natasha Fatale.

Well! What brings
you two to America?

Did Fearless Leader
have craving for
burgers and fries?

[LAUGHING CONTINUES]

We need some advice. What?

You want advice?
You want advice?

Okay. Okay,
I give you advice.

I give you advice.

Don't give up your day job.

[LAUGHING]

We have money.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry,
it's just funny, is all.

You know, I would've
thought you both had blown
yourselves up by now.

So, what is that
you both want, huh?

We are looking for a man named
Professor Anton Paulovitch.

I have never heard
of that name before.

I don't know nothing.
Go away.

Well, perhaps this will
refresh your memory, huh?

Look, the both of you,

you're in way over
your heads, my little spies.

Take some advice, forget
you ever heard that name.

But I'm having some
trouble forgetting.

If you know
what I mean.

In the chairs.

[SPITS]

Search your soul
for the answer.

What the hell?

Get out of my way,
I'm closed.

Go on, go on, go on.

What kind of advice is that?
I want my money back.

Get going, now.
Or I'll kill you myself.

Come, Boris. Go on!

What about the receipt?
It's tax deductible, you know.

Go on, get out.

You want some advice?
I'll give you advice.

Leave, now.
That is the advice.

Go on, the both of you!
Get out of here. Get out.

What kind of a potato?

What kind of potato was it? I don't know.

Idaho.

Listen, Mike,

tell Willie I want him to
double his surveillance.

No, quadruple it.
You got it?

BORIS:
God damn Kalishak,
he knew something,

he just wasn't talking. He called me your flunky.

Forget about it,
he is an idiot.

Here, hang up my coat.

I know what I should do.

I should force-feed him
woodchips for an entire year.

And then I will bury him
in the ground up to his neck

in a termite mound

and watch them devour
him as he screams for mercy.

Very good.

Search your soul
for the answer.

What the hell
is his problem, anyway?

NARRATOR:
Next morning, Boris
and Natasha begin the day

with a typical
American breakfast.

Boris.

[SCREAMS]

NARRATOR:
So they searched Boris's
sole and got their clue.

And wearing one of their
many brilliant disguises,

they soon found
themselves outside

the most fashionable
hair salon in the city.

WOMAN:
I can't do my hair again.

Because, I think all the
chemicals have leaked
into my brain.

I'm so spaced,
I can hardly answer the phone.

Hold on a minute,
will you?

Permit me to
introduce myself.

I am Steve Shag
and this is Ansel Fiber.

We are here
to clean the rugs.

WOMAN:
Excuse me,
but all our floors are tiled.

I think you guys
have the wrong address, heh.

No, we don't.
Boris, show.

Manelli. Oh, you're not here
to clean the rugs,

you're here to
change the photos.

You're working
for Sal Manelli,
the photographer, right?

Yes. He's the one.
We came to meet him.

Meet Manelli? Look, we just
buy his photographs,

he doesn't actually
work here.

Tash? Boris.

Ooh. Acme Rugs.
What are you guys doing here?

Uh, we are,
we came, to uh...

To say hello.

Oh. How did you
know I worked here?

We didn't. Boris, big joke.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Dudes. Dudes.

NARRATOR:
Yes, there he was,
Jose Eber, himself.

World-famous
connoisseur of beauty.

A man who, with one
wave of his blow dryer,

could make you a star.

And with one look at that
Pottsylvanian profile,

he was completely
enchanted.

Oh, my God.

NARRATOR:
Well, before she knew
what hit her,

Jose promised he could make
her an overnight sensation.

He would introduce her to
every major fashion
photographer in the country,

starting with an enormous
party in her honor

at the elegant private club,
Chez Monyou,

that Friday night.

Well, Boris saw this as
the perfect opportunity.

They could use the party
to find Manelli,

who would lead them straight
to the Professor.

So while waiting
for Friday,

they did what any other
American would have done,

they went shopping.

♪ I wanna wrap myself
in confidence

♪ Looks so good on me

♪ All the boys
offer love and kindness

♪ One more thing I need
I want it all ♪

NARRATOR:
And of course, no American
mall would be complete

without Aunt Fanny's
fine cutlery

and automatic weapons shop.

No.

No.

No.

NARRATOR:
And so,
as they left the mall,

Natasha was already beginning
to feel the allure

of the American
way of life.

So the very next day,
she did something

she had never done before.

[ALL CHATTERING]

I should not be go
here with you.

What are you talking about?

You gotta get something
to wear to the party.

Boris say
what I have is good.

Forget about what
Boris says, come on.

So don't you feel
better?

This is the way Harve
and I do it.

I never have to tell him
what I buy.

He does what he wants,
I do what I want.

You know, Tash, if
a relationship is gonna work,

it's gotta be equal.
Fifty-fifty. You did good.

Hey.
Get me my tie.

Stop looking in the mirror
all the time.

You look great.You really like it?

Sure. Americans love
hokey getups.

Okay, let's review
the plan.

I am international
film financier,

Barim Hum Haahalah.

We go to the party, we find
the guy with the camera.

I give him the password.

If he answers,
we know it's Manelli.

He leads us right
to the Professor.

And if anything
goes wrong...

We kill ourselves.

[SIGHS]

NARRATOR:
Well, Boris's plan was
brilliant, as usual.

Natasha would provide
a distraction

while he looked
for Manelli,

who would obviously be
a man with a camera.

[ALL CHATTERING]

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

The four corners of Egypt
belong to King Tut.

The four corners of Egypt
belong to King...

Okay, it's enough,
it's enough.

The four corners of...

[ALL GROAN]

NARRATOR:
Of course, Boris' plan
was an utter disaster,

but as a diversion, Natasha
was an instant success.

She had such flair,
such charm, such an
incredible haircut,

And a veritable Natasha
mania swept the country.

People couldn't get enough
of the sultry spy.

Proving once and for all
that Andy Warhol was right.

Not to mention P.T. Barnum.

Yes, everywhere, people
were imitating her
inimitable style.

Especially
that snappy hairdo.

Of course, Natasha herself
had gotten the idea

from one of Pottsylvania's
national heroes.

But in any event, soon there
wasn't a corner of the world

left untouched by this
unbelievable phenomenon.

Well, all this frou-fra
of getting famous

was taking its toll
on a lot of people.

The spying had come
to a halt.

Agent X had no one
to watch.

The man in the stupid shoes
had no one to follow.

The CIA had no one
to listen to.

There was still
no sign of Manelli,

and of course,
all of this was bound

to come to
the attention of...

What the hell is going
on over there?

NARRATOR:
Even the writers were
completely stumped,

with no idea of
how to get the story

back to the missing
Professor

and his amazing time
reversing microchip.

As for Boris, he was getting
more and more frustrated,

annoyed, irritable,
peeved, downright...

All right, all right,
knock it off.

You are acting ridiculous.

Oh, Boris,
don't be drip.

BORIS:
What about
Professor Paulovitch?

And where are you going?
We are spies!

[GASPS]

It is time we started
to act like spies.

I don't know what's got
into you, Natasha.

Fearless Leader told us
to assume a low profile,

and you, you go
waltzing around like
some kind of movie star.

Thank you.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Is Natasha here?

Just a minute.

All right. Do you
or do you not want to be spy?

Boris, darling,
of course I do.

Spying is most important
thing in world to me.

You think is best side?

That's it. I forbid you
to go out tonight.

Forbid?

Oh, Boris, so typical.

This America,
you are not my boss.

You are not my husband.
You are not even...

Never mind. What?

What am I not even?
What?

Oh, you are so stupid
sometime, Boris.

If relationship is to be
lasting, must be equal.

Oh. So for first time in my life,

I am doing
what I want to do.

And do you know what?
I am liking it.

Toots is behind this, isn't
she? Toots, Toots, Toots.

Toots happens to be
wonderful person.

And don't think you're
so smart,

because she know about you.

She know exactly
how you feel about...

And how far
do you think you get

if it was not for me
after all these years?

I do everything.
I do work

and you never...
You never...

Never what? You never say thank you.

What the hell?

So I am hoping that
from this day forward,

that you will be liking
to carry your own luggage.

So goodbye.

Luggage?

This whole thing
was about luggage?

NARRATOR:
Well, Boris had hit
rock bottom.

Even the simplest of pleasures
could not cheer him up.

And, as he wandered through
the silent streets,

he wondered, could Natasha
have been right?

Could she have, in some
small, insignificant way

been responsible for
their illustrious career?

Could he actually
have been

just the tiniest bit
insensitive for, say,

the last 32 years?

[ALL CHATTERING]

Very nice. Very nice.

Heh, thank you.

Please, ladies.

Thank you.

TOOTS:
Trust me, it's obvious.

Boris adores you.
The man's in love.

MAN:
Natasha, wait. I want you
to meet Sally Kellerman.

[PHONE RINGING]

NATASHA: [ON RECORDER]
Hello, darlings.
We're not in right now.

But Natasha and Boris will
be back very, very soon,

so please leave a message.

[BEEPS]

MAN: [OVER PHONE]
My name is Manelli.

I know who you are,

I've seen your photographs.

I'm a friend of
Dr. Paulovitch.

I helped him to escape
the lab.

Please meet me tomorrow
at noon at Memorial Square

for a photo session... Hello, hello?

Hello? Hello?
Hello? Hello?

Hello? Ugh.

We just found
Anton Paulovitch.

[ALL CHATTERING]

Yeah, I think
we finally got something here.

SHELDON:
Yes, good, what is it?

Does an Anton Paulovitch
strike a bell with you?

No, I can't say
I ever heard of him.

Noon, huh?
Okay, thanks.

And listen, Dan,
keep up the good work.

I will look terrible
in photos.

I did not get
very much sleep.

Don't worry about it.
Look, about last night...

Uh, let's talk
about it later.

Yes, Boris.

You go to this place
and you meet Manelli.

You get the information from
him. I will be there too.

But I'm going to be
disguised, okay?

I am loving
when you wear disguise.

You make sure you get
the information from him.

If he gives you
any trouble,

I'll crack his head like
a Pottsylvanian chestnut.

Yes, Boris, darling.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Poopsie. I'll take this.
You might drop it.

[DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES]

NARRATOR:
Well, isn't that sweet?

But meanwhile,
back at our story,

the elusive Manelli had
finally surfaced.

And as luck would have it,

he too,
was another master spy.

Yes, it seemed that
Natasha's sudden notoriety

actually served a purpose,
after all.

So faster than you can say,
stop the world,

I want to get off, Natasha
got down to business.

[CHATTERING]

Meanwhile, wearing an
effective yet subtle disguise,

the chameleon-like
Boris Badanov

blended discreetly
into the crowd.

Unfortunately, he got in line
with the Village People.

Come on, Long John,
you can move up now.

Arr! Arr!

Here you go,
one pretzel, $1.

Hold the rose, that's it,
good, lovely. I like
it in the teeth.

Hey! Wait a second,
what is this? I said $1.

This is fake. Doubloon, arr!

You owe me a dollar. I don't have a dollar.

What do you mean
you don't have a dollar?

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Just a little this way.
Perfect, perfect.

[CHUCKLES]

You're very good at this.

You follow instructions
perfectly.

Ha, you flatter me.

On the contrary,
my angel.

That could get you killed.

[SCREAMING AND GRUNTING]

Avert your eyes,
avert your eyes.

All right, all right.
Come on, buddy. On your foot.

You realize, of course,
we're being watched.

Your lives are in danger.

I am a friend of
Dr. Paulovitch.

I'm the one
who helped him to escape.

Now you must help
him too.

But to help...

Miss, may I have
your autograph?

I just feel that we have
something in common.

You know, I had an aunt
that came from Pottsylvania,
and I think...

We're working. Do this later? Thank you.

Good, good, excellent.

Why do you think Fearless
Leader told you nothing?

You are merely decoys.

You are just pawns
in the game.

NATASHA: [ON RECORDER]
Please, you must tell Boris.

Of course, the fountain.
How stupid of me. Come.

You'll be safe here.

The sound will drown
our conversation.

[STATIC SOUNDING]

That's not true.

We have to find Professor
and take him back.

He lied to you.

MANELLI: [ON RECORDER]
The moment
you find Paulovitch,

you will all be killed.

An assassin has been
trailing you

since the moment you arrived. Oh.

But who could be?

Pottsylvania's most
feared killer.

He wears the ring.
The ring of the assassin.

You poor fools.

He's been with you
all the time.

His name is...

[GUN FIRING]

[SCREAMING]

Police. Stop that man.

[GUN FIRING]

[PEOPLE YELLING]

SHELDON: Right there. Police.
Police, stop that man.

[SCREAMING]

[GROANS]

Willie? Badanov!

What? What? Come on, let's go!

No, he is trying
to tell me something.

Why do they want
Professor dead?

Because they want,
they want...

[COUGHS]

They want candy? Come on, let's go.

But we can't
just leave him here.

Forget him, he's dead.
Let's go.

Willie?
What happened?

Oh, my God.
Find Paulovitch.

If Badanov and Fatale get
in the way, kill them.

MANELLI: [ON RECORDER]
The moment you find
Paulovitch,

you will all be killed.

An assassin
has been trailing you

since the moment
you arrived.

He... He is a liar.

Fearless Leader would never do
this to us, it's ridiculous.

Go on.

The ring of the assassin.
You poor fools.

He's been with you
all the time. His name is...

[GUNSHOT FIRING] [NATASHA SCREAMING]

Boris, what is?

BORIS: This ring was
on Willie's finger,

it came off in the scuffle.

Oh, not Willie.

Ooh, Willie was such
nice boy.

Nice boy wants to blow
our heads off.

I never liked him, come on,
we're getting out of here.

Boris, where will we go?

I don't know.
Some place far away.

From now on,
we trust only ourselves.

We've got to find
the Professor.

Boris, is too dangerous.

Poopsie, we're dead anyway.

To find the Professor
is the only way

to get to the bottom of this.
We've got to find him.

Oh, Boris.
I am so frightened.

If we ever get out of this,

I've always... I've always
wanted to see Tahiti.

They have such
beautiful flowers.

Don't be melodramatic,
okay?

As long as I'm here,
nothing's going to happen.

[SIGHS]

[GUN FIRING]

[ALL CHATTERING AND GROANING]

That came from everywhere.

DAN: [OVER PHONE]
It wasn't ours,
I'm sure of it.

Well, who was it?
I want some goddamn answers.

And where the hell
is Willie?

NARRATOR:
Well, even Boris and Natasha
could take a hint.

With their cover shot
full of holes,

and no one to trust,
where could they go?

Back to Pottsylvania?
Back to Pennsylvania?

How about Pensacola, I hear
that's nice this time of year.

Do you have any ideas? If so,
send them to this address,

postmarked no later
than June 12, 1964.

In the meantime,
our harried heroes headed

for an obscure, little hotel
where they could regroup

and come up
with a new plan.

And so as not to draw
attention to themselves,

they came up with what
were probably the most

ingenious disguises of their
already remarkable careers.

Bellman.

Could you place take Mr.
and Mrs. Obese to their room.

O'Beeth!
O-apostrophe-b-e-e-t-h.

We're Irish,
me wife Katie and I.

Kathleen. Her real name's Katie.

But she's called
yourself Kathleen

for some bloody reason,
I'll never know what.

Excuse me! Could you give
a hand with these
potatoes, please.

I carry me own potatoes,
you big lout.

Thank you. This way.

Shh.

Hey. The elevator's
over here.

I know. I work here.

It's out of order.
This way.

Are you mad, man?
We can't climb those stairs.

Can't you see
we're Irish?

You're gonna have
to sleep in the lobby then,

these stairs are the only
way to your rooms.

Have faith.
Boris, come.

[NATASHA HUMMING]

Come on,
pick up the pace.

Stop showing off,
high pockets!

Right, so in 1935,

the ballroom terrace was
added to the 33rd floor.

BELLHOP:
In 1966, the whole Rat Pack,
except for Sinatra,

stayed here
on the 33rd floor.

Imagine that,
40 whole rooms.

Who can climb 30 floors
deserves a room.

Now, in 1976, both
presidential candidates
stayed here.

[BORIS PANTING]

We've got two
presidential suites,

twelve honeymoon suites...

[NATASHA SCREAMING]

Come on. We're coming.

BELLHOP:
Hope that's not
the little woman.

Oh, ha ha.
It was nothing. Nothing.

Ah, faith and be glory.
It was a mouse.

A mouse! BELLHOP: A mouse, huh!

Ugh. Not really that much
of a problem.

We can take care of that.

Uh, heh, I think was mouse,
it could've been cockroach.

Cockroach? Uh, come to think of it,

you know what,
I am so silly.

It was nothing
but a tiny little flea.

Fleas! Ugh.
I'll get the manager.

All right, what the hell is
the matter with you?

[GASPS]

It's Willie.
How did he get in there?

I put them there.You killed him?

Of course not,
he was already dead.

But I drag him
from floor to closet.

It is 11:30.

What is this?Train schedule.

You think he was going
somewhere?

Or he was meeting someone.
Come on, let's go.

Get out of here.
Come on.

But Boris, your disguise,
what if someone see you?

We tell them
we lost weight,

running up and down those
stairs. Hurry up.

Whoever did this to Willie
knows we're here, anyway.

We've got to get rid
of this stiff

before the bellhop
comes back with the manager.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGING]

Oh, we're in luck,
the elevator is working.

Oh. No sir, excuse me,
that elevator's in service,

it's just for
the hotel staff.

We are the staff.
I'm the house detective.

Oh, what's the matter
with him?

Oh, he is drunk again.

I don't know
why I married him.

Gee, don't I know you
from somewhere?

Okay, what floor? Any floor.

We gotta dump
this stiff and get
to the train station.

To see who is getting off
11:30 train, right?

Right. It is 11:15 now. You are a genius.

Oh, my God,
look who it is!

Oh, Toots, Harve.

What you do here? We're here for the party.

I didn't know you were
invited, we would
have come together.

Who's your friend? Willie. Oh, no.

Onopolous.
Mr. Willie Onopolous.

He's a Greek guy we know.

It looks like he's had
too much ouzo if you ask me.

[ALL LAUGHING]

We were just leaving,

if you just got here,
we'll stay for a while.

No, he's too drunk to party

and he ruined
whole evening, creep.

Thank you very much
but we better
just drive him home.

Oh, come on, how about
if we drive Mr...

What's his name? Willie Onopolous.

Uh, come on,
we'll take him home

so Boris and Natasha can
stay and enjoy the party.

No. It's all right, heh.

Oh!

He's cold as ice.

He was holding ice.It's his drinking hand.

We have to go. We better go too.

This thing's gonna go
without us.

[LAUGHING]

So how'd you two meet
Mr., um...

Willie Onopolous. That's a strange name.

Oh, he's Irish. Greek.

Right, we are Irish. Pottsylvanian.

Right, right. Heh, I have
a couple drink myself.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Look up there, everybody.

All those dead flies.
Oh, what a shame.

Ugh, it makes me sick.

Uh... Oh. Oh.

Uh, he is going to be
sick too.

We've got to get him
to a washroom, come on.

Oh, he's sick.

Uh, uh, uh, hey, buddy,
you want some help?

Boris, I don't like this.

First Willie,
now Toots and Harve.

I thought it was supposed
to be obscure hotel

where no one find us. Shut up and keep walking.

NATASHA:
Uh oh!

Hello, Mr. And Mrs. O'Beeth.

Hello.Hello.

Come on, help me.Oh.

We can't put Willie in there,
he was our friend.

We have no friend.
Come on, up.

Come on, Boris, say some
nice word for Willie.

On hangers, no starch.

You are bad.
You are very bad, Boris.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on,
you've got the train schedule?

Oh, no, I left in room.What?

[SIGHS]

[BOTH PANTING]

Ugh, I need a drink.

Is good idea. MAN: Excuse me.

My name
is Anton Paulovitch.

I understand
you're looking for me.

How did you know
where to find us?

Never mind that.

Let's talk about the chip
you're looking for.

The chip? Oh, yes,
of course. The chip.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Uh, don't worry.
I'll get rid of them.

BOTH: [IN UNISON]
Surprise!

What the hell? HARVE: Look who we found.

Mr. Willie Onopolous
was sleeping it off

in the laundry room.
Figure you'd be
looking for him.

How come you checked
in here?

Don't you already have
an apartment?

Uh, you can't come in.

I'm, uh, sorry.

You see, we've got, um...

Toots, Harve, I'm so sorry,
you can't come in,

but, uh, we are having some
problem with our relationship,

and Mr. Willie Onopolous
is our marriage counselor.

Doesn't look like
he'd be much help.

Oh, no, not now,
but when he come to,

he is like,
uh, he can, Boris...

Uh, it's a new technique.

He deliberately
incapacitated himself,

thereby giving us
a mutual responsibility.

You see, by helping him,
it helps us.

If you're paying him more
than $70 an hour,

you're getting ripped
off, pal.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Why don't we go let those
two lovebirds work it out.

See you later, Tash. Thank you. Bye.

Ugh. Sorry about...

He's gone!

All right,
get the train schedule,

we're going to the station.

Is gone. BORIS: What?

He probably took it
with him. Damn.

At least we know
why he was here.

Yes. Why?

First he killed Willie,

and then he come back
for train schedule.

Yes, yes,
I don't know, maybe.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Don't answer that. But maybe it's him.

[KEYS JINGLING]

Complimentary fruit basket.

Oh, hi, Mr. And Mrs. O'Beeth.
I didn't think you were here.

Anyway, complimentary
fruit basket.

Of course, you might not want
it on account of your diet.

By the way,
you both look great.

I've never seen such
a dramatic weight loss.

Anyway, if you need anything,
just give me a ring.

Oh, uh, by the way,
if you need any pillows,

they're here in this closet. BOTH: [IN UNISON] No!

[GASPING AND SCREAMING]

I see you have met
Dr. Lisbon.

Is he dead? BORIS: Of course not,
you idiot.

He's a professional hypnotist,
he's helping us with our diet.

Look. He's in a trance
right now.

He sees everything we do,
hears everything we say.

He can see me now? Yes.

And he's very angry at you,

because you pulled him
from the closet

when he was focusing
his great powers.

Sorry Dr. Lisbon, I just
wanted to get some pillows.

Uh, Dr. Lisbon could
help you,

just in the way
he is helping us.

Really, how? Talk to him.

Through the door,
closed like this?

He can hear you.

I don't want to lose
any weight.

Don't insult Dr. Lisbon,
his power goes
far beyond diet.

Dr. Lisbon know all.

We will leave you alone
with him. Quick.

Dr. Lisbon, uh...

It's me, Tony.

The bellhop.

Uh, I'm not fat,

but I've got
a little bursitis

on the right side
of my shoulder.

A lot of pain, um...

I don't hear him. Listen.

[FOOTSTEPS SOUNDING]

There he is.

[ENGINE REVS]

We will never catch him. I'll catch him.

Boris.

Ooh.

Hey, how close was
I to that guy?

Pretty close.
Surprised you didn't
nail him.

Oh, thank you.

That was a pretty stupid
thing to do.

You could've killed him

and then we never find out
what goings on.

At least I tried. It's too late now.

We will never get to train
station by 11:30.

Oh yeah, watch this.

Taxi?

[TIRES SCREECH]

Oh, Boris.

Oh, my God.
Are you all right?

He is fine,
he was just showing off.

You are one
lucky stiff, pal.

Oh yeah,
I'm real lucky.

Can you get us to
train station by 11:30?

For 100? Get in.

Okay, let's go.

BORIS:
Ugh, you'll never make it.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

All right, Mr. Bub,
give me at least $50 back.

Sorry.

Hey, poopsie!

[BORIS WHISTLES]

How we know is same one?

[GROANS]

Oh, good. He's here.

Boris, it's him.

Hey...

He's going around the back.
You come to the front.

Paulovitch, wait

BORIS:
Here he comes.

[BOTH GRUNT]

Taxi!

Boris, where is Professor?

Don't know.

[ENGINE REVS]

There he goes. What the...

Hey, taxi!

Driver, follow
that scooter.

Should have pulled
the plug on that thing

when I had the chance.

[ALL SCREAM]

ANTON: Don't kill me,
please, please.

Boris, don't shoot. Wait, wait, wait.

What the hell is going on?
How are you doing in here?

You are going to kill me.
You are assassins, oh, my God.

Ahh, don't be ridiculous,
you are assassin.

You are the one
who killed Willie

and left his body
in our hotel room.

I don't know any Willie. BORIS: Oh, really?

Well, then perhaps
you can explain this.

No, I've never seen it before.
I've never seen you before.

Who the hell
are you, anyway?

Now, you listen.
We are asked to come
find you here

and ever since
we come to this country,

people are shooting at us,
bodies are dropping like fly

and all because
something to do with you.

So start talking, mister.

I don't know what to say.

Boris, he doesn't
look like killer.

[SNIFFS]
What's that smell?

Driver, stop the car! But why?

Dynamite! NATASHA: Oh, no.

I said stop the cab.

Ahh, you killed him.

Boris.

[BORIS GRUNTING]

[SCREAMS]

What was that?We blew up!

It happened again.Yes, we have to jump out.

Argh, this
is beginning to hurt.

ALL: Jump.

[ALL GROANING]

Marvelous.
Absolutely magnificent.

It works.
Can you believe it?

Of course, I knew it would

but even so this
is the first true test

under life
and death conditions.

You know, I'm really,
very proud.

What the hell
are you talking about?

The chip.

NARRATOR:
Yes, there it was
at long last.

The incredible
time-reversing microchip

that they didn't even
know existed.

Is incredible.

We didn't even
know it existed.

NARRATOR:
And as they stood
in the moonlight,

Dr. Paulovitch
explained all about it.

How he had invented it

and about all the
different people who
were after it

including his own
insane twin brother, Kregor,

who was rampaging around,

trying to kill anyone
who got in his way.

Well, our heroes
were so impressed,

Unfortunately,y vowed
he talked so long,

he put them all to sleep

and they slept so soundly

that not even
the 515 from Yonkers

could wake them up.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

He's gone!

What? Professor Paulovitch. Argh!

Damn, why does this
always have to happen?

[GRUNTING]

Boris, look.

That's it? No clue? This is clue.

NARRATOR:
Yes, it was clue.

Lucky for them
and for us,

the Professor had the
presence of mind to leave it

just as he was snatched away

and with one look
at that penny,

Natasha made
the obvious conclusion.

NATASHA:
Oh, look, Boris.

I feel just like we're
in Alfred Hitchcock movie.

Don't kid yourself.
Here, look at this.

Is tunnel. Is nasal passage. Come on.

NATASHA: Boris. BORIS: Shh.

[MACHINES BEEPING]

NATASHA:
Boris, look,
a secret laboratory.

Oh, boy.

BORIS:
You know what this is?

Is dust-free room
for making microchip.

I knew that. Boris, look.

Is Pottsylvanian bed.

Don't have time for that,
poopsie. Come on.

Get a load of this.

Must be hundreds.

He's mailing them
all over the world.

[MAN YELLING]

Listen, I think
there's someone in there.

Hello? Hello?

MAN: Help!

Poopsie, here.

Dr. Paulovitch!

Thank God, you found me.

What the hell are you doing
hanging upside down?

Boris, don't talk to him,
cut him down.

All right.

[GROANING]

Was not nice.

I assumed he would
tuck and roll.

Not everyone is hung upside
down as much as we are.

Huh, how can I
ever thank you?

I assume you got my clue.

The penny
was brilliantly simple.

Sure, sure, we made
the connection right away.

Come on, up
on your feet. Up.

BORIS:
What is this place?

Well, this is my home.

My secret laboratory.

But who kidnapped you?

Kregor. Your twin?

Everybody thought he was dead
but he was too brilliant,

too clever for them

and finally, when I...

When he found me...

Wait a minute.
Where did you get these shoes?

Hands up.

What the hell?

But what are you doing? PAULOVITCH: Get back!

Back I said.

But why?

The resemblance is uncanny,
don't you think?

Ow!

Anton? Who else?

Come on, we've gotta
get you up.

Argh, thank you.

Look, Kregor,
you don't have to kill us.

We could all go back
to Pottsylvania together.

You would get
a hero's welcome.

I'm not interested
in a hero's welcome.

I'm interested in money.

Hundreds and millions
of dollars.

Do you know what
this idiot was doing?

Mass-producing
the time reverse chip.

What kind of
stupid thing is that?

That is a very
interesting question.

I realized, at once,
the military implications.

How one nation
could rule the world.

I tried to destroy the chip

but it kept coming back,
don't you see.

So I decided
I had to make more.

So that every country
on earth could have them

and think of the good.

Why it could
end war, it could...

He was gonna give them
away, do you believe it?

Give them away!

It's a good thing I found
you in time to kill you.

Yes, dear brother, kill you.

So I can re-emerge as you

and claim the rewards
I justly deserve

as the inventor of the chip.

You have nothing
to do with it

and if you kill us,
it will be on your head.

I can live with that.

Well, I can't. Neither can I.

Quiet!

SHELDON:
Ow, goddamn it!

Drop the gun.

Oh, thank God
you are here.

Ugh, this maniac
was trying to kill us.

Don't get
your hopes up, kid.

My plans for you
aren't much brighter.

All right,
hand over the chip.

Excuse me, sir.
Please don't kill us.

If you want the chip
for your government...

No, no, that's where
you're wrong, doc.

I'm not working
for the government today.

I'm working for the
real power in America.

The auto industry.

Not to mention
defense contracts and
insurance companies.

If this chip gets out,

can you imagine what
would happen to weapon
sales and cars?

What if there were
never another car crash?

Come on, wake up
and smell the napalm.

My people want this chip
on ice for a couple of years

until we can figure out
some kind of strategy.

That's immoral.

So's car insurance
but you still pay for it.

Drop the gun, Sheldon.

Drop it or you're dead.

Toots, Harve!

Also known as agents
Moose and Squirrel.

Moose and Squirrel?

Yes, your old adversaries,
surgically altered once again.

Oh, boy.

But Toots...

I thought was friend.

Sorry, Tash, old kid,
but this is business.

You understand.

So you knew all along.

Sure, Willie was in with me

until I found out
he was a double agent.

So you killed him.

I thought
you killed him.

No, we didn't kill him.

All right, all right,
I killed him.

Let's change the subject.

To what?
You and your genius?

He's just trying to bring the
conversation back to himself.

He does it all the time. No, I really killed him.

Why is everyone so stupid?

Look, I was pretending
to be Anton.

When you surprised me
when you came
back to the room.

When I came back to the room
to find the train schedule

Willie had taken from
me in the scuffle when
I killed him

because he'd followed
me to the hotel

where I had followed you,
if you follow me.

After Willie
had killed me nearly,

who was talking to you
about Willie.

No, no, about Anton.

No, where was I?
Wait a minute.

So who shot up
our apartment?

I did.

Oh, you are a real
fun guy, aren't you?

All right, that's enough.

[EXPLODING]

[YELLING]

Fearless Leader. Shut your mouth!

Everybody lie on the floor,
especially you two.

But Fearless Leader... Quiet!

Well, well, it's been
a long time, Felix.

Suez '62, wasn't it?

Shut up about that.

Now, where is the microchip?

So Manelli was right.
You were only using us.

Of course.

I had the chance to be the
most powerful man in the world

and be rid of you two,
all at the same time.

It would've worked too

if this cretin hadn't
shot my best assassin.

[FEARLESS LEADER CACKLES]

I'm sorry, Kregor, to ruin
your ingenious little plan.

You have made me
a very wealthy man.

It's a pity none of you
will live to witness it.

Where is the egg of Kiev?

Oh, shut up.

NATASHA:
Grab him, Boris!

[ALL GRUNTING AND
SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[GUN FIRES]

Don't anyone move.

What we do now, Boris?

You got a light?

Boris...

I've been saving this
for a rainy day.

Heads up, everybody!

[ALL SCREAMING]

Boris.

Boris.

Argh, get leg off chest!

Oh, Boris, darling,
thank God you are safe!

Oh, no.

Look, darling, look.
We are in balloon.

You gotta be kidding.

NATASHA: Look,
is burlap bag

and egg of Kiev.

Oh, boy. Boris, it was chips.

You blow us all the way back
to beginning of movie.

I did? Oh, yeah, I did.

Heh, pretty good plan,
huh, poopsie?

Hello?

[BOTH SCREAM]

Paulovitch, what the hell
are you doing here?

That is an
interesting question.

Some kind of overload,
I should think.

Wait a minute,
we got to figure out

what is going on here.

We are in balloon,
we have egg

and not one thing
has happened yet.

Okeydokey. So now we go
back to Potts...

Oh, no!What?

If we know
what's going to happen

then so does
Fearless Leader.

What we do?

Only one thing
we can do...

[SIGHS]

We go to Tahiti.

Boris, darling.

[BORIS AND NATASHA LAUGHING]

Wait a minute, aren't there
only two of them?

Yes, Colonel Gorda.

For a moment
I thought I saw three.

Oh, by the way, I never
really got your names.

Oh, permit me
to introduce myself.

I'm Boris Badanov
and this is my...

My girlfriend,
Natasha Fatale.

NARRATOR:
And so they went to Tahiti.

Unfortunately,
it was monsoon season

and most of the residents
were in the process

of evacuating the island,

but Boris and Natasha
didn't care.

They were safe,
they were together

and things
were back to normal.

Hey, poopsie!

NARRATOR:
Professor Paulovitch
spent his days

indulging his
lifelong dream

of staging a sand crab
version of the
musicalCamelot.

While Boris and Natasha

took long, leisurely
strolls on the beach,

safe and secure for the
first time in their lives...

But were they?

If they remembered
what had happened,

then didn't they realize
everyone else would too?

For instance,
what about Anton's
evil brother, Kregor?

Could he still be
lurking about?

And did they really think
that Fearless Leader

wouldn't come after them?

Time had been reversed

so Agent X
would still be alive.

What?

What about Moose,
Squirrel, Kaufman?

What about Jose,
Manelli, Kalishak?

What about Telly Savalas?
What's he been doing lately?

And who the hell
is this guy?

The answers
to these questions

didn't seem
to matter to them.

Were they really so naive?

Were they really so unaware

that they thought could
hide in Tahiti forever?

Did they think that
no one could follow them?

Did they think they
could just sit there...

Ah, shut up!

NARRATOR:
Well, be with us next time

forGoodbye Mr. Chip
orThe Megabytes Back.

[SALLY KELLERMAN'S IT'S GOOD
TO BE BADPLAYING]

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ Some women want
a man to be nice

♪ Hold a nine-to-five job
Kiss her once or twice

♪ But if you're
looking for danger

♪ It's the same old song

♪ You'll need a bad, bad man
A man that's gone wrong

♪ I've got a lover
that makes me weak

♪ I'm tossin' and turnin'
I can't get no sleep

♪ If a man is asking me
why I love him so much

♪ He's a bad, bad man
with a dynamite touch

♪ He's got a dynamite touch

You are so bad,
you're good.

Heh, it's good to be bad.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

♪ It's good to be bad
It's bad to be good

♪ Ow! Bogie and Bacall
made love over there

♪ Bonny and Clyde
are a hell of a pair

♪ Ask Dirty Harry why
his women go wild

♪ He's got a long, cool gun

♪ That he treats like a child

♪ I've got a lover
that makes me weak

♪ I'm tossin' and turnin'
I can't get no sleep

♪ Everybody's asking me
why I love him so much

♪ He's a bad, bad man
with a dynamite touch

♪ He's got a dynamite touch

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ Do what you shouldn't
Not what you should

♪ You know you've looked
at other men

♪ In your neighborhood

♪ You know you'll do it

♪ It's just a question
of when

♪ And if you
don't understand me

♪ Then I'll tell you again

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ Bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ Bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's good to be
Good to be

♪ Good to be bad

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's good to be bad
It's good to be bad

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

I was around 12 when...

That's when
I guess I realized

my parents didn't
really like me.

I mean, not really hated me
but I just think that, ugh...

Well, see,
there was this one time

where we went on this camping
trip during the summer
to Yellowstone

and, uh, see there
were these bears...