All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S22E02.WEB.x264-TG.Hi

♪ it seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ is violence in
movies and sex on tv ♪

♪ but where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪

♪ on which we used to rely? ♪

♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ all the things that make us ♪

♪ laugh and cry ♪

♪ he's... A...
Fam... Ily... Guy! ♪

Boy, everybody's here.

Why do you think
we're gathering?

This isn't about the soiled
pants in the toilet, right?

'cause I hadn't
heard about that.

Good morning, employees.

As some of you can
tell by my face,

I have some exciting news.

But first, a pair of husky-size
green pants were found

In the men's room,
positively destroyed.

(whispers): That's what
I hadn't heard about.

Now the exciting news.

The brewery is transitioning
to an open floor plan

And will be called the
pawtucket patriot campus.

To help explain the transition
to our futuristic workplace,

I'd like to share a
video from our investor,

The confusingly
charismatic wework lunatic.

Hey, I'm the guy from wework.

My foremost goal
is to facilitate

An experiential
bandwidth of synergy.

Hammock desks, scooter desks,

And the world's first desk-desk.

The only desk that
functions as a working desk.

I have been the wework lunatic,
please don't google me.

Our new office will also have

A lady chef who only
makes vegan food,

Pinball machines,
and nursing pods.

Lastly, as we transition
to our new open floor plan,

The brewery will be closed

For the next two months
for construction.

Yes, griffin?

Are the nursing pods,
l-like, for anyone?

If I ordered a whole
cornish game hen,

Would anyone have any?

I'm in for a wing.
What's the occasion?

I just found out the
brewery's closing

So they can turn it into
the kind of workplace

You only see on tv shows.

Work's been crazy for me, too.

We have this case... guy
died on his birthday,

And... get this... his
family had gotten him

An ice cream cake.

You know, the kind
with ice cream inside

As the cake part?

(laughs)

Wild stuff. So I'm
at the scene...

This story is already too
complicated and boring.

Peter, take over.

My amazon guy once
delivered batteries

- To pat sajak.
- No way!

How did he know there
were batteries in the box?

You know, whenever
they ship a battery,

They got to put that little
warning label on the box?

That's how.

It could've just been
something with a battery in it.

No, he said he
shook it real hard.

I-I think the focus
of this story is

More pat sajak than
the battery part.

Hold on. There's no way that
story was better than mine.

Hey, brian. What's all this?

Oh, just following
in the rich tradition

Of hemingway and faulkner

And putting a little
damage on the old liver.

Another rosé, brian?

Put a spritz on it.

So, is, uh, watching
tiktoks of underage girls

Also part of your
writing process?

The best writing happens when
you're not actually writing.

I just wish my muse
would speak to me.

I'm having a tough time finding
an idea for my next novel.

Well, I'd tell you about
one of my murder cases,

But apparently I'm
a bad storyteller.

- Murder case?
- Oh, yeah, we had one last year.

All signs pointed
to the husband.

- What happened?
- It was the husband.

You know, we have a whole
file of cases in quahog

That would make great stories.

A lot of murdered
women out there, bri.

Half of them named britney,
half of them named lacey.

That's one piece of advice
I always give young parents:

Don't name them
britney or lacey.

Yeah, sad stuff.

You know, true crime
is huge right now.

You could be sitting
on a gold mine.

A gold mine, huh?

And this whole day I thought
it was just a smushed dook.

Announcer (on tv): We now
return to curb your enthusiasm,

Where jeff garlin just
repeats everything larry says.

So, I put on the shirt.

You put on the shirt!

I paid for it.

You paid for it!

I'm starting to
think you're, uh,

The weakest link in the cast.

Easily the weakest link!

Peter, the bank called
to say we're overdrawn,

And the credit card
company sent us a letter

That just says: "bitch
better have my money."

Visa sent that?

God, they can do whatever
they want in delaware.

Thanks for nothing, sleepy joe.

I wonder if this has anything
to do with me not getting paid

During the brewery renovations.

Wh-what do you mean
"not getting paid"?

Well, preston said
we're all transitioning

To being independent
contractors.

The downside is we're
losing our health insurance,

But there's gonna be a pinball
machine in the break room.

Peter, we can't afford
to go two months

Without your paycheck.

You're gonna have to find
a job in the meantime.

Lois, don't worry. I
got it all figured out.

(shoes tapping)

"dear mr. Griffin, we
regret to inform you

That we cannot
offer you a space."

- (shoes tapping) - (singsongy):
Another big dance check in the mail.

I was just five years away
from three figures a month.

(shoes tapping slowly)

Joe, this stuff is great.

Yep, one man's
murdered, estranged wife

Is another man's treasure.

Brian, I'm gonna have to ask you
to put down the severed limb.

I brought this from home.

Drop it. Drop it!

Ah, damn it, you said "drop
it," so now I got to drop it.

You know, we should team up
and write a true crime novel.

You don't happen
to have any cases

Featuring pretty
blonde women, do you?

No, those get solved
pretty quickly.

This victim was brunette
and a little heavy.

Okay, getting warmer.

We'll just change a few
key details so people care.

Gutierrez? Nope, gordon.

Murdered on an
indian reservation?

Let's try beverly hills.

I'm thinking we go novel,
podcast, docuseries,

Then full-blown blockbuster.

But we'd also be doing this
for the families, right?

Is that a new
streaming platform?

No, like, the families
of the victims?

Oh, right. Yeah, sure.

In fact, we'll give them
a sliver of the proceeds.

And I'll give the
fictional version

Of their daughter bigger boobs.

Like-like real heavy naturals.

Oh, yeah, that sounds
like a good compromise.

Your special cart, mrs. G.

Just gave the wheels
a fresh coat of wd-40.

Why, thank you, james.

Oh, roberto, if you weren't
missing half an arm,

I'd definitely consider it.

Oh, how's the 6029s today, hmm?

Oh, mrs. Lois, very fresh.

What's she talking about, mommy?

(laughs) kale, dear.

It's insider speak for kale.

That can't possibly be a thing.

Let me just find
someone to make sure.

Oh, looks like someone got
pulled from the night shift

'cause I've never
seen this free sample.

- Peter?!
- Man (over speakers): Ladies and gentlemen,

We have a plot
twist on aisle four.

I'm the assistant manager who
thinks work should be fun,

And definitely not
a corporate spy

Here to keep unions
from forming.

But now that we're
talking about it,

Can you imagine if
you had a grievance

And couldn't talk
to me directly?

Anyway, I'm elliot,

And I'm paying close attention

To who posts what on the
break room cork board.

♪ I've got home internet
from t-mobile. ♪

♪ It only costs $50
bucks at t-mobile. ♪

♪ Just one cord to set up. ♪

♪ Say goodbye to that truck. ♪

♪ Oh, what a
beautiful mornin'... ♪

♪ oh, what a beautiful day... ♪

♪ they won't raise your
rates at t-mobile... ♪

♪ you'll get a great
deal every day! ♪

Home internet from t-mobile...

Just $50 bucks a month.

Peter, what are you doing here?

You told me to get a job,
and they were hiring.

I love it here!

Plus, they let me joke around

With the wells fargo
guys who work here.

Yes, I'd like to make
a deposit, please.

Is it another 100
grand chocolate bar?

Okay, so I've had you before.

Peter, the grocery store
is kind of my domain.

While I'm glad you got a job,

I don't love that
you got one here.

Don't worry. You won't
even know I'm here.

Unless you're near
the front door,

Which I can open with the force.

Excuse me, where
are the peanuts?

Aisle seven.

Peter, peanuts are on aisle two.

Eh, I just tell 'em
whatever number,

And then I disappear
into the produce mist.

Peter? Peter?

Peter (echoing): There was
never peter, only loose carrots.

The body was discovered
around 9:00 p.M.

Unfortunately, I couldn't make
it down to the crime scene

Because there were no ramps.

Okay, I'm gonna write:

"tonight, all the
streets in this town

Were a dead end."

I never saw the body.

It was cold, so they
sent me on a coffee run.

My lap can
accommodate two trays,

And I can't feel the spills.

"she was found in a creek,
her bosoms frozen solid."

She was a heavyset 60-something
in welder's coveralls.

"no one from beverly hills
had ever been strangled

By their own cheerleader
skirt before."

(gasps)

Wow, I can't believe I'm
seeing how the sausage is made.

Hey, so when you open a book
and you see "random house,"

Is that something
we come up with?

Uh, no, that's-that's
the publisher's name.

I see. Just
drinking it all in.

And what about the list of
cities you see under that name?

Because I was thinking we should
put new york, paris, kokomo.

Those are just the cities where
the publisher has offices.

And kokomo isn't
a real city, joe.

Try telling the beach boys that.

I don't know what our title
should be yet, but beneath it,

It should say: "soon to be
a major motion picture."

I always buy the
book when I see that.

Why don't we just
focus on the writing?

Oh, hey, you ever see books

Where the edges of
the pages are gold?

- Yeah?
- So cool.

What is going on in here?

Who put price tags
on all the cans?

And why is everything
labeled 69 cents?

Peter (muffled): Griffin family
grocery is currently under renovation.

Please excuse our dust.

Peter? Where are you?

Staring at butts from
behind a one-way mirror.

And why'd you
rearrange everything?

I just want to find my vitamins.

Cupboard four. No,
that's cupboard seven.

No, wrong way.

I'm not... Is it
warmer or colder?

Cupboard four. Cupboard four.

(alarm blaring)

Ma'am, don't worry, this
happens all the time.

I'm sure you have your receipt.

What? No, I don't
have a receipt.

Okay, then, we're just
gonna go to the office,

Call your parents, and
send you on your way.

- Daddy, I just...
- There are gonna be some changes around here.

First off, no more lipstick.

That's how all this
trouble started.

Okay, so we just
need the ending.

Who was the murderer?

Oh, I have no idea.
It's a cold case.

That's what makes 'em cold...
no one knows how to solve 'em.

Well, how do we finish our novel

If we don't know what
happened in real life?

- Ghost cop.
- No.

Do you know what this means?

We're gonna put on our
sherlock holmes hats

And solve the murder ourselves?

Deerstalker hats,
joe. But yes.

Stupid nonwriter!

Okay, brian, now,
when you're visiting

The family of a deceased victim,

You need to hold a
hat over your chest.

It shows you care.

All I have is this crown
from our burger king lunch.

Hat's a hat.

How can I help you,
officer and your highness?

Hi, yes. We're here with many
questions about your daughter.

You know, the dead one?
You-you remember her?

We'd love any details.

Is this some sort of sick joke?

I assure you it's not, ma'am.

We're writing a future hit novel

Based on your daughter's murder.

We just need to know who did it.

And, between us, it'd be
great if one of you did.

What is this?
What do you want?

Did you know
jonbenét ramsey's dad

Dated natalee holloway's mom?

What does that have
to do with our case?

Well, nothing, it's just
kind of weird, right?

Do you happen to have
any grainy video footage

Of her singing an emotional
song at a talent show?

Maybe green day's
"time of your life"?

That would really bust this
project wide open for us.

You're both unwell.

Well, that was a bust.

Sorry, I've been holding
this in since burger king.

Oh, seriously? You're just
gonna leave that there?

These people have
suffered a terrible loss.

At least cover it with
leaves or something.

Ugh, fine.

Joe, look. I found something.

- It's a key to a storage unit.
- How do you know that?

Yeah, me and bonnie have been
doing a fun role-play thing

Where she dresses
up like a sexy maid

And then locks me in a storage
unit while guys come over.

- Oh.
- Yeah, it's pretty kinky.

I, uh, I play the role
of a sexy armoire,

Waiting in another room.

Sounds like she just wants you
out of the house for a while.

Nah. No.

It's okay, lois.
It's a big store.

You may not even run into peter.

Good morning. How
much are the mussels?

$34 a month at
bally's total fitness.

- (bell chimes)
- peter?

Why are you behind
the fish counter?

I got a promotion,
emphasis on the "otion."

- (bell chimes)
- fine.

What do you got that's fresh?

Well, I got a
teenage son at home.

- What a mouth on that kid.
- (bell chimes)

That's it! You have
ruined groceries for me!

Get the hell out of my
store, you imbecile!

Um, excuse me, miss, did you
just yell at this employee?

You're damn right I did.

He has no business being here.

This man is a member of
the stop 'n shop family.

He has every
business being here.

You, on the other
hand, will have to go.

You're banned from the store.

(chuckles
nervously): What? No.

Y-you can't do this.

I have shopped
here my whole life.

Yes, we know. If
it's any consolation,

You'll be in the "in
memoriam" section

Of the grocery store oscars.

("I will remember you" by
sarah mclachlan playing)

♪ I will remember you ♪

- ♪ will you remember me? ♪
- (cheering)

- ♪ don't let your life... ♪
- (man coughs)

Lois: No! No, no, no. You
can't put me after betty white.

Didn't brenda vaccaro
die or something?

(gasps) no.

I live here in aisle four
with the kotex tampons.

(wheezing)

Still more absorbent
than the leading brand.

(wheezing)

The worst part is,
I can't even go back

To my favorite grocery store.

I personally think you
should give peter a taste

Of his own medicine and get
a job at his special place.

The men's room at logan airport?

No, the drunken clam.

Oh, okay, 'cause he had
this one experience there

That he still talks
about to this day,

But that is an
intriguing idea, bonnie.

I'm glad you think so.

Well, as white women
in conversation,

We're now obligated
to spend five minutes

Talking about sedona, arizona.

- Oh, I'd love to go.
- I know.

My friend linda got a massage
there after her divorce.

And my friend trish
bought a painting there.

- Oh, we got to go.
- We got to go.

Hey, you two haven't
seen peter, have you?

Asking as a waitress trying
to teach him a lesson

By working at his favorite
place, not as his wife.

Whoa, check out the
turd-cutter on the new chick.

That's right. I work here now.

I'm gonna be here all the time.

Oh, how does it feel
to have someone invade

Your special space?

It feels great!

Speaking of invading
special places,

How about this?

Hey, sweetie, when
do you get off work?

Me and my wife are more friends
at this point than anything.

Don't get me wrong,
she's a great gal,

Raised my children, but
time takes its toll,

You know what I mean?

What? My wife and I
have an arrangement,

So I'm not doing anything
wrong here, technically.

Ah, well, this isn't working.

If you want to meet
me in my car later,

It's the one with the "blue
lives matter" sticker.

But, like, not for cops,
it's for, it's for grover.

Who's going in first?

Kind of feels like you
should since you're a dog.

Are you scared, joe?

Would a scared person do this?

- (screams)
- not so fast.

(serial theme playing)

Who is that?

I'm guessing it's
the lady from serial.

Oh, I certainly wouldn't
recognize a podcaster visually.

- I'm sarah koenig.
- Big fan of your work.

No one turns another person's
suffering into profit better.

Listen up, I want this
case for my podcast,

So you need to drop it.

And if you don't, I
could make you disappear.

We're sponsored by
casper mattresses.

That wasn't a threat. I
have a code if you want it.

Man: Stand down, sarah.

I'm keith morrison,

And I want this
case for dateline.

There are only a few hundred
unsolved murders left,

And there's a million true
crime content creators.

My grandson taught me that term.

Who's "okay, boomer" now?

We're npr's team
of women with lisps

And names nobody's ever had,

Like sylvia delgado-smith,
and audie takahashi o'shea.

I'm chris hansen from
to catch a predator,

And I'm just here
in case any of you

Turn out to be pedophiles.

Warm chocolate chip
cookie, anyone?

No! I claimed this
cold case for serial.

Not if I record
a dateline first.

(all grunting)

(choking)

♪ ♪

(screaming)

(grunting)

Please... Rate and
review my life.

And someone take care of my dog

You could usually hear in
the background of my podcast.

(gasping)

(grunting)

A foggy night at a
storage unit in quahog.

The sleepy little town of quahog

Is usually all tucked
in by 10:00 p.M.

(clamoring)

You know what? We're
no better than them.

We've been exploiting
the victim's life

For our own personal gain.

I-I think it's time for us
to abandon writing this book.

Or... Maybe we set it to rap
lyrics and take it to broadway?

I think we're done here.

You know, joe, even
though it didn't work out,

It was nice to spend
some time with someone

Who actually believed
in my writing.

Well, as someone who's never
read a book, I absolutely do.

The waitress from the clam!
Holy crap, has lois seen you?!

We really don't
have an arrangement.

You got to get out of here!

Oh, peter, enough.

- What's the matter?
- You wouldn't understand.

Okay.

I'd get back in there, chief.

(sighs) chris made me come back.

Oh, honey, the grocery
store isn't just

Where I buy food for the family.

It's my escape.

My refuge from being pestered

With dumb questions
from the kids,

Or having to clean
up your messes.

Sometimes, just a stroll
down the ethnic food aisle

Makes me feel like I'm in
a north african bazaar.

Yeah, I don't like the
smells on that aisle.

- And I don't know, it's hard to explain, but...
- There's more?!

It's not just a
grocery store to me.

There's a whole
community of people there

Who feel like family.

And now, now I have nothing.

Aw, lois, I'm so sorry for
ruining your happy place.

And I'm gonna take care of it.

Just like I've been taking care
of that egg since high school.

Oh, my god, I forgot to pick
him up from soccer practice!

Hey, do you need me
to call your yolks?

Look, you got to
let lois come back.

Please remove the ban.
She loves this place.

I'm sorry, but I can't do that.

She yelled at a
mentally-challenged person,

And that's unforgivable.

What? I'm not
mentally challenged.

You're not? But
that's literally

The only reason we hired you.

Would a mentally challenged
person be able to do this?

Your name tag says "big petey."

(scoffs) why do you
think we all gather round

And applaud you while you ride

The coin-operated
horse out front?

'cause I'm good at horses?

Wow. (chuckles) I
really thought...

You know, we don't let
all our employees insist

The customers feel their muscles
after bagging their order.

Right?

Okay, fine.

Lois can come back,
but you're fired.

I need you to turn in
your gun and badge.

Well, I guess my
work here is done.

To the mickey-copter!

See, disney?

Nothing here but
respectful synergy.