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This programme contains some strong
language and adult humour.
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# Simply amazing, unique and new
Every man's waking dream
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# Dazzling, eccentric, recherche
Suave, the poetry... #
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00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:17,280
I don't want to be in
your bloody videos!
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00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:20,040
Welcome to the French & Saunders
show and our wonderful world
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00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:22,760
of star-studded showbusiness
and entertainment,
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00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:25,880
back on the air again due to
overwhelming public demand.
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# French and Saunders
Saunders
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# Ba-badoo-ee-oo... #
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ALL: # French and Saunders
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# Ba-badoo-ee-oo... #
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# French and Saunders! #
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HEAVY ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
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Waaah!
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KNOCK AT DOOR
Who is it?
16
00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:06,680
It's me - comedy partner.
17
00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:09,640
Please can I come in?
I'm absolutely exhausted.
18
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WHISPERS: Damn!
19
00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:19,160
I tell you, if I have to
think about sex one more time,
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I'm just going to faint.
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00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:24,640
KNOCK AT DOOR
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00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:25,800
Who is it?
23
00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:27,600
It's me.
24
00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:30,360
Who's me?
25
00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:33,240
It's Dawn French,
your comedy partner.
26
00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:36,000
Why am I still having
to tell you who I am?
27
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:38,400
Cos I don't know who you are.
28
00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:42,640
It's been 300 cocking years!
29
00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:44,800
Well, come in, then.
30
00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:04,720
Where are you? Here.
Oh, there you are.
31
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Praise be.
32
00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:14,720
And I would say, "Blessed be the
fruit," but I'm absolutely furious.
33
00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:18,880
Can you please just say "wings"?
34
00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:21,000
Wings. Thank you.
35
00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:24,040
Praise be.
36
00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:32,200
Right, let me run this by you, OK?
How long have you been in here?
37
00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:37,440
300 years. Right, so that's
pre-Gilead days, isn't it? Yes.
38
00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:41,480
Right, you are not going to believe
this. No, I'm not. I'm not, am I?
39
00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:43,160
No. I'm not.
40
00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:47,880
Out there,
I am the most fertile woman alive.
41
00:02:47,880 --> 00:02:49,680
All right?
42
00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:55,840
And I am 60, and I've got no tubes
or eggs, so what's that all about?
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00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:57,320
I don't know.
44
00:02:57,320 --> 00:03:00,760
And let me just run this by you,
see if you think it's all right. OK.
45
00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:05,280
As the Handmaiden, right, I have
to be penetrated through my pants
46
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by my Commander
whenever he feels like it
47
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just so that I can spread his seed.
48
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That's not right, is it?
49
00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:16,320
Let me show you what they do, right?
50
00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:18,920
Let me show you what they do.
51
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You, right, are the barren wife.
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Oh, thanks. Oh, thanks.
53
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,480
Now everyone knows.
You've told everyone now.
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Sorry to be so insensitive,
but it's true, right?
55
00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:30,360
And you're cross
and haughty, aren't you?
56
00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:33,800
You're sitting there. Just spread
your legs, put them up there.
57
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Don't get funny.
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That ain't happening
after 300 years, is it?
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00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:42,560
Dream on, babe.
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00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:45,200
They throw me down on the bed,
right?
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00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:48,120
Hold my hands, like that. Hold my
hands. And he's on top of me, right?
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00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:50,400
And he's penetrating me
through my gusset
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and he's going,
"Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!" Like this.
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Yeah. While you are watching.
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Yes, cos I want a baby, don't I?
I say, "May the Lord open," don't I?
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Yes, listen, believe me,
I want to give you a baby,
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00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:04,840
may the Lord open
and deliver a new keeper, praise be,
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00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:09,120
but not as a human slave,
if that's all right with you.
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00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:11,760
Well, why don't you just run away
before I beat you to oblivion?
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00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:13,960
What, run out that door?
Do you know what would happen?
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00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:16,200
I would be stoned to death
if I went out there.
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00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:18,800
Do you know what happens to me
in this? No, can you not tell me?
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00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:21,760
Cos I'm going to watch
the box set all at once.
74
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:25,440
Is Nicole Kidman in this one?
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00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:27,520
Well, no, not YET. Oh...
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00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:30,840
This is the only television
she currently ISN'T in, right?
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00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:33,200
But, look,
I can't hang around here all day
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because there's Eyes all over me.
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Eyes. Are you Eyes? No, no, no.
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00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:40,240
I'm not convinced.
81
00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:43,200
I have to get on.
82
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:45,600
It's a very busy day because
all I'm allowed to do
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00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:48,240
is look straight ahead
and buy loads of oranges.
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That's all I'm allowed to do.
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Please say "wings". Wings.
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That's it.
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Right.
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Good morning, under His Eye.
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00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:06,400
Under His Eye, good morning.
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00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:10,120
You can close your legs now.
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00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:13,360
I think I can see my grandad
in there!
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Oh!
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# And basically
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# And basically
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# And basically I'm a star. #
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00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:10,440
We was all laughing at you in gym
the other day. You weren't.
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00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:14,240
We were. We was all laughing at you
in gym the other day. Why?
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00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:17,080
Cos you had a great big poo stripe
on your pants, that's why.
99
00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:21,520
I never had a poo stripe
on my pants!
100
00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:27,160
I didn't! Poo stripe, poo stripe! I
never had a poo stripe on my pants!
101
00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:31,320
You did! I didn't.
At least my mother can sew!
102
00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:35,280
Don't talk about my family.
Your mother can't even sew properly.
103
00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:37,600
Don't talk about my family!
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00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:40,240
Your family, your family,
your family!
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00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:41,520
Ha!
106
00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:46,760
Look at your legs!
107
00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:55,680
If you tell the doctor you don't
want to go on the Pill,
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00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:58,480
you know what he'll do. What?
109
00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:01,840
He'll insert a UFO inside you,
won't he?
110
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:05,280
Do you know what
one of those is, or not?
111
00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:07,200
Not.
112
00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:11,200
Right. Other name - coil. Do you
know what a Slinky looks like? Yes.
113
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:15,320
Well, it's like a huge Slinky
and it's got barbed wire on it
114
00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:18,680
and they squish it all up
and stuff it up inside your bladder
115
00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:21,760
and it hooks on and it stops babies.
116
00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:25,800
The only drawback is, you can get
out of control
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00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:28,280
going up
and down stairs, that's all.
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00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:31,120
You know Cookie Crew, right?
I know Cookie Crew, all right?
119
00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:34,000
It's a name a bit like that, right?
They're called the Cookie Crew.
120
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:37,120
Yeah. We could be called
the Biscuit Rappers.
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Do you get it?
122
00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:42,080
Do you get it? Because, like,
we're both rappers, aren't we,
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00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:45,080
and we're both...biscuits.
124
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Not having second thoughts
about the double wedding, are you?
125
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,640
Oh, no, I think it's a really
romantic idea.
126
00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:54,080
Now, what about, erm, we have to
book a course of tanning sessions.
127
00:07:54,080 --> 00:07:56,200
Tanning, yes. Manicure. Mmm.
128
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,480
Pedicure. Mm-hm. Bikini wax.
129
00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:00,160
Oh, I've had that done already.
130
00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:02,160
Oh, you'll be stubbly on the day.
131
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Ohhh!
132
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MEOWING
So sweet!
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Ohhhh!
134
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This little kitten wonders
where his mummy is.
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They're gorgeous!
136
00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:19,840
They're just so lovely and fluffy!
137
00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:22,360
Fluffy!
138
00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:25,200
Look at this one, Leanne.
139
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:29,040
It's a kitten jumping into
a paper bag. Aw...
140
00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:33,240
You know, that's reversible,
Jackie. Oh, is it?
141
00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:35,640
Oh, kitten jumping
OUT of a paper bag!
142
00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:38,520
Ohhh, that's just darling...
DOORBELL RINGS
143
00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:40,000
Amazon! Oh!
144
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:46,800
More kitten toys? Yes.
Ooh-ooh, exciting, exciting!
145
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Oh, look, Jackie!
146
00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:50,920
It's a Kitty Complex!
147
00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:57,800
Any kitten would love that. I would
love that. Yes. That's gorgeous!
148
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I would live in that.
149
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Oh, look!
150
00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:04,520
Jackie? Yes?
151
00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:08,080
Do you think you'd ever get
a real kitten, Jackie?
152
00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:10,480
No, Leanne, no.
153
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:12,000
But why, Jackie?
154
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,000
Because of the poo.
155
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,320
Oh, the poo! Oh, the poo!
156
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Horrible!
157
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It's horrible! It's horrible!
158
00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:40,360
You feeling any better, then?
159
00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:44,120
CROAKY VOICE: Your mother sucks
jelly babies in hell!
160
00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:45,320
Oh, she does not.
161
00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:47,720
I've been looking at this
Home Doctor book here
162
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:50,400
and I think I might have
put my finger on something.
163
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:53,440
Have you got a temperature?
164
00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:56,000
SHE RASPS
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Stick out your tongue.
166
00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:01,920
Aaah...
167
00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:03,760
MUFFLED: Aaah...
168
00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:10,040
That's nasty, isn't it? Well,
I think we're looking at cystitis.
169
00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:19,360
She, apparently,
170
00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:21,680
is now having an affair
171
00:10:21,680 --> 00:10:23,160
with a man that's doing it
172
00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:25,880
with a porcupine. No!
173
00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:27,560
Not porcupine, sorry.
174
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,840
Concubine.
That's what I'm trying to say.
175
00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:32,040
Delicious.
176
00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:34,160
I'm so glad you
like it, Grandalf.
177
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:38,160
Oh, hang on.
178
00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:39,720
What?
179
00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:41,440
You should have this cup.
180
00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:44,120
You should have this cup.
181
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:46,840
No, but, you see, I'm the giant.
I have this big cup. I know that.
182
00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:49,440
That's why you should have this
cup. I should have the big one.
183
00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:52,840
It makes me look smaller.
No, cos if you... No, no.
184
00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:06,080
Be like us and learn your trade
on Crackerjack!
185
00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:08,080
25 years, man and boy.
186
00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:09,800
I'm a 45-year-old woman.
187
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:12,480
BOTH: Fandabidozi!
188
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:21,880
Good morning.
189
00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:24,640
Good morning. Sit down, please.
190
00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:29,800
What did the Krankies say to you?
191
00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:32,960
They said, "Fandabidozi."
192
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,200
SHE SNIFFS
193
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:44,040
Mmm.
194
00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:47,880
You wear Pretty Peach skin cream.
195
00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:49,920
SHE SNIFFS
196
00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:54,280
And sometimes Mum roll-on deodorant.
197
00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:02,920
Timber!
198
00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:13,400
Whee! Looka here!
Mr and Mrs Lovey-Dovey.
199
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,600
Mr and Mrs
Lovey-Dovey-Dovey-Dovey-Dovey-Dovey.
200
00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:21,120
I reckon you're going to want to
wrap your legs round him
201
00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:23,560
in a cabin tonight,
ain't ya, missy?
202
00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:25,520
Mm-hm-hm!
203
00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:28,640
And if you think I'm going to
lay nearby trying to sleep
204
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:32,240
while you two wimble-wimble,
pokey-pokey-friggy all night,
205
00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:35,880
well, you've got another one of them
thinkings coming, cos I just ain't.
206
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,400
GROWLING ROAR
207
00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:41,880
VOICEOVER: Troy.
208
00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:44,040
Is there no-one else?
209
00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:47,760
SHOUTS: Is there no-one else?
210
00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:52,440
Arm!
211
00:12:56,280 --> 00:13:00,880
VOICEOVER:
How much hate could one person have?
212
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:02,560
Don't push me.
213
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:04,520
It's my time of the month.
214
00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:09,680
Help me on with my dress, Mummy.
215
00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:13,160
I'm not your mummy, I'm Mammy.
216
00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:32,200
Oh, my good God, Thelma.
217
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:33,600
What are we going to do?
218
00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:38,480
I ain't going to give up now.
I can't go back!
219
00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:40,080
Keep going.
220
00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:42,360
What do you mean?
221
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:46,840
Go! Straight to comedy heaven,
Louise.
222
00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:49,560
Immortalised for ever.
223
00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:51,680
ENGINE STARTS
224
00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:12,280
SHE GROANS
225
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:16,200
SHE GROWLS
226
00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:21,560
I'm ruddy FUMING!
227
00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:27,840
I've just seen it.
I've just seen it now.
228
00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:30,480
I've just come from the pictures
now. And? And what?
229
00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:31,920
And I'm not in it.
230
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:35,880
I, the ACTUAL Wonder Woman,
231
00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:39,120
am NOT in the film named after me.
232
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:43,680
But why? They've used another person
to play ME! I don't understand why.
233
00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:45,000
Why have they?
234
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:47,480
I mean, back in the day,
Lynda Carter at least called me up,
235
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:51,280
asked my advice. They INVOLVED me.
These people - nothing.
236
00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:52,800
Did they even ask you to audition?
237
00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:54,960
Audition?!
238
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:57,920
I AM Wonder Woman!
239
00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:02,160
I don't have to audition!
All right, let's do the checklist.
240
00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:05,520
All right, number one -
am I the daughter of two gods?
241
00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:07,520
Yes. Yes, I am.
242
00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:11,560
Tick that box, because I am
the daughter of Mars and Twix. Yes.
243
00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:19,800
Tick! Number two -
do I have super-fast reactions? Yes.
244
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:23,320
Yes, I do. Throw those oranges at me
now. Throw them at me.
245
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:25,720
Oh, careful! Careful!
246
00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:28,120
I wasn't charged up yet.
I wasn't ready.
247
00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:30,240
You could have had my eye out then.
248
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:34,560
Sorry, sorry. Right, number three -
do I have super-fast running skills?
249
00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:35,800
Yes.
250
00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:41,280
Now, did you see that? I've just
been to Land's End and back.
251
00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:45,960
I could have done it faster
if I had a better bra on, obviously.
252
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:47,560
Was it all right in Land's End?
253
00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:49,920
I think they've ruined it,
haven't they, Land's End.
254
00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:51,880
It's very touristy. Very touristy.
255
00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:54,880
It used to be wild, and now it's
just a kiosk and some rides.
256
00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:58,240
Anyway, anyway, anyway,
number four on the checklist -
257
00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:03,520
do I have superlative musculature?
Obvs. Yes, I do.
258
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:07,080
So, all boxes ticked. Yes.
How dare they!
259
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:10,040
Are you even earning
anything from the new film?
260
00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:14,320
Absolutely nothing, no, no. Not even
getting something out the back end?
261
00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:18,360
I'm very sorry about that.
I have got a gippy tummy, sorry.
262
00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:23,480
I'm so sorry. No, I mean royalties.
No, absolutely nada.
263
00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:27,080
To be honest, I feel redundant.
264
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:30,280
Ooh! Ow!
265
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:32,360
How's Thor feeling about it all?
266
00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:34,920
Thor? Mm. He's in pieces.
267
00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:40,520
And not just because they've got
an Australian to play him. Yes.
268
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:43,200
It's not that. He can deal
with his own pain about that.
269
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:45,960
It's more that he feels very
defensive about his brother Loki.
270
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:48,000
Oh, played by Tom Hiddleston.
Yes. Yes.
271
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:51,040
Tom Hiddleston! I mean,
did you ever meet the real Loki? No.
272
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:53,640
He was an evil giant! Was he? Yeah.
273
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:56,320
Not an Old Etonian English
string bean, frankly!
274
00:16:56,320 --> 00:17:00,560
No! I've got to tell you, they are
furious up there in Olympia.
275
00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:01,880
Absolutely.
276
00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:04,880
I wouldn't be surprised
if another Armageddon is on its way
277
00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:07,600
if any more of this thoughtless
casting continues.
278
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:10,080
And I'll tell you what really
does upset me. Yes?
279
00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:12,280
It's all the people out
there on the street, you know,
280
00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:13,920
because there was a woman out there
281
00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:16,120
looking at me just now
and she's looking at me
282
00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:19,960
and she's thinking, "Oh, there's a
woman dressed up like Wonder Woman."
283
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:23,600
And she doesn't know!
284
00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:27,520
But surely what's worse is, there's
actual adults with brains
285
00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:32,800
going to see these films. Yes!
And BELIEVING them! Believing them.
286
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:34,840
Believing that those are
the real people. Yes.
287
00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:36,640
Do you know what it makes me
feel like? What?
288
00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:38,440
It makes me feel like I don't want
289
00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:40,720
to attend any more disasters
ever again.
290
00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:42,840
Oh, no!
No, I'm throwing the towel in.
291
00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:46,480
Oh, no! Don't be like that!
Don't be like that!
292
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:48,720
Sort out your own catastrophes!
293
00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:53,280
Go on, let's see if your expensive
CGI and all your big props
294
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,560
and all your sound effects
and everything,
295
00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:58,320
see if they save lives
and rescue our planet!
296
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:04,560
You all right?
I'm sorry I'm ranting, Jen.
297
00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:06,040
It's just, this stuff matters.
298
00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:09,320
Yes, casting's important, casting's
important. Yeah, it is, yeah.
299
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:14,080
Who would you approve of to play
you? Oh, that's quite a good idea.
300
00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:16,200
Well, someone who looks like me
for a start.
301
00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:17,880
What about Catherine Zeta-Jones?
302
00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:20,360
Too old. Yes. Far too old.
303
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:21,840
Far too old, yeah.
304
00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:25,320
Er... Oh, I know - Cara Delevingne.
305
00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:30,400
Yes. Oh, yes. She's good. She'd be
good. Or Beyonce is the spit for me.
306
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,480
Yes. Yeah, yeah.
307
00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:36,200
Well, I understand your anger
at the casting, but can you imagine
308
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:39,120
how Batman feels with all the people
that have played him?
309
00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:42,080
Can you imagine how the actual
Batman feels? Batman?
310
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:44,400
Yes, the actual Batman.
311
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:46,120
Batman's dead, Jennifer.
312
00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:50,000
The actual Batman?
313
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:53,600
Batman wasn't immortal, was he?
He's not a god, like me.
314
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:54,920
Don't you know that?
315
00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:58,000
Oh, no. Oh, no, this is awful.
316
00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:01,040
You didn't even know that, did you?
317
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:04,840
Sometimes you do say silly,
stupid things and you end up
318
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:08,400
looking like a complete idiot,
and this is one of those moments.
319
00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:11,040
I have to say I'm dripping
with humiliation
320
00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:13,880
even standing near you, I have to
say. Just cut me out of this.
321
00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:16,320
I don't want to be associated
with this. Keep it on her.
322
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:20,360
Point it to her. Look at the idiot.
Look at the IDIOT!
323
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:22,920
Look at her. Look at her.
324
00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:28,240
Now we're back in the
cottage in Wiltshire
325
00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:31,120
with Giles and Mary.
326
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:39,440
You know what the problem with those
two is, don't you, Nutty? Yes, Mary.
327
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:42,760
Is it their Kleinian need
to misbehave,
328
00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:46,560
thereby revisiting their childhood?
329
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,960
Blood and sand! What's the matter?
Blood and sand! I've cut my finger!
330
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:51,760
What, completely off?
331
00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:53,440
No, it's just sort of dangling.
332
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:56,800
No, Nutty.
333
00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:59,480
Uh? It's too much...
334
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:02,520
Chocolate? Coffee.
335
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:04,200
Coffee.
336
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:06,440
Yes.
337
00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:08,600
VEHICLE APPROACHES
338
00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:22,680
Got ya! Where's the other bloody
bugger? I was going for a brace.
339
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:26,400
In the wheel arch, here with me.
There you are.
340
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:30,160
Wonderful! I'll get the tractor to
you later. All right.
341
00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:33,920
Did you find that funny, Mary?
342
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:38,040
You don't really have a
sense of humour, do you, Nutty?
343
00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:41,480
I do, Nutty. You know I do, Nutty.
344
00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:47,560
You know what the problem with these
two is, don't you, Nutty?
345
00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:49,440
Yes, Nutty.
346
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:51,240
Coffee.
347
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:54,400
No, Nutty.
348
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:55,920
Skunk.
349
00:20:57,520 --> 00:21:00,520
TV: And now a Christmas message
from Sue Lawley.
350
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:02,200
BOTH: Sue Lawley?!
351
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:09,360
Well, let's hope that's the last
we see of those two, Nutty.
352
00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:13,240
Oh, you're not even there.
353
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:18,360
Yes, I am, Nutty.
354
00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:21,240
But only just.
355
00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:25,320
Now, some of you may remember
that, some time ago,
356
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:29,040
we visited the lively duo
who run Prickly Pear Farm,
357
00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:31,080
and we've popped back there
from time to time
358
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,520
to see how the enterprise
is progressing.
359
00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:35,960
Let's have a look back
to remind ourselves.
360
00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:40,480
Whatever animal's done this has got
a tummy upset and worms.
361
00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:43,280
I'd stake my trousers on it.
362
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:45,440
Yeah, that's Rex, that one.
363
00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:47,360
It's Rex, isn't it, Dot?
364
00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:52,160
Yeah, we just seen him do it.
Yeah, it's Rex, thank you.
365
00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:53,920
SHE SNIFFS
366
00:21:56,440 --> 00:22:01,560
I tell you what else we do just to
make a few bob is dog looky-likeys.
367
00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:02,960
Who do you think it is?
368
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:04,120
It's Posh Spice.
369
00:22:04,120 --> 00:22:06,360
Looks exactly like her, doesn't it?
370
00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:09,160
Our film crew went down to
Prickly Pear Farm
371
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:11,640
to see how things are going now.
372
00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:14,240
So, as you know, we're always
looking for ways
373
00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:18,480
to keep changing and trying to
keep going and, at the moment,
374
00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:24,960
we're diversi-fucking into having
burials here, natural burials.
375
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:26,720
All dead, aren't they?
376
00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:30,240
Yeah, they're all dead before
we bury them. All dead. Yeah.
377
00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:33,360
Except the one that just...
He sits up, doesn't he, that one.
378
00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:36,320
He sits up, goes,
"Good morning! Good morning!"
379
00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:38,520
No, no, no, that was your father,
wasn't it?
380
00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:41,520
He was just having a nap
and you rolled him up in a sheet,
381
00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:44,480
didn't you,
so we nearly did bury him after all!
382
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:47,200
But we didn't in the end
cos he wasn't dead.
383
00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:50,920
Yeah, so it's
a registered natural burial ground.
384
00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:53,440
Yeah, not registered, is it? Ssh.
385
00:22:56,480 --> 00:23:00,120
So, there's 60 million humans
in this country
386
00:23:00,120 --> 00:23:03,080
that's going to die in a minute, and
what are we going to do with them?
387
00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:06,640
And so we thought, "Well,
let's return them to the worms
388
00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:10,200
"and give them a nice natural burial
389
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:13,480
"and make it all environmentally
friendly, so..."
390
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:15,840
Oh, careful! Careful!
391
00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:20,480
Oh, you haven't buried that one in
deep enough! I told you about that!
392
00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:24,840
Bury them deeper!
Too tall, that one. Go, over there.
393
00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:27,200
Obviously there's rules about it.
394
00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:30,680
You're not allowed to
bury 'em near water
395
00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:34,680
because otherwise you get floaters,
and nobody wants that.
396
00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:38,600
This is our lovely memorial bench,
we've got a lovely rose bush there,
397
00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:42,840
and people comes here to mourn
and grieve and sit here and cry
398
00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:46,480
and regret everything,
and they have a lovely time just...
399
00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:51,160
You've...
400
00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:54,560
You've put the bench on
top of one of the graves here.
401
00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:56,760
I've told you about that before!
402
00:23:56,760 --> 00:24:00,360
Always measure your departed human.
403
00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:05,400
Don't worry about that.
404
00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:09,000
That's just natural gas
escaping from the dear departed.
405
00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:11,120
No naked flame now.
406
00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:13,840
You see,
there's loads of money in this.
407
00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:16,240
See, just in that little plot
over there, what is there,
408
00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:20,440
ten graves there? That's 30 quid
a head. What's that? Ten 30s...
409
00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:24,040
220 quid! There's fields of gold!
410
00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:26,000
SHE CACKLES
411
00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:37,600
Measure it, measure it.
One, two, three, four, five, six.
412
00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:39,880
One, two, three, four, five, six.
413
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:46,200
And this is where we carefully store
those what is waiting to be
414
00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:49,680
what we like to call "deterred".
415
00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:52,480
It's not deterred, is it?
What's the word?
416
00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:54,560
Interred. Interred.
417
00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:56,600
"In-TURD"?
418
00:24:58,160 --> 00:25:00,880
Are you sure?
That's dirty, isn't it?
419
00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:03,000
You're having a laugh, ain't you?
420
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:06,200
Here she is.
421
00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:09,120
What are you doing? I can't get
that ring off, I can't get...
422
00:25:09,120 --> 00:25:11,040
No, no, leave it,
leave it, leave it!
423
00:25:11,040 --> 00:25:12,880
Just leave that!
424
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:17,000
So, as you can see, we have three
humans here waiting... Four.
425
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:20,480
No, three. Four humans. One, two...
426
00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:22,560
Well, that one was supposed
to go two weeks ago.
427
00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:25,160
No wonder there's such
a whiff in here!
428
00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:28,440
You should stop playing Furious
Birds and do what I tell you!
429
00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:30,320
KNOCK AT DOOR
430
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:34,280
Yes?
431
00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:37,440
Oh, sorry for your loss.
Mr and Mrs Bentley.
432
00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:38,720
Yeah? I don't...
433
00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:41,360
Edna Bentley. Right,
have you got a receipt?
434
00:25:41,360 --> 00:25:43,840
No. Well,
do you know where she is? Erm...
435
00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:50,320
Edna Bentley. Did he have bosoms?
Yes, I think so. That's him there.
436
00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:51,920
No, ssh. Ssh! That's him there,
437
00:25:51,920 --> 00:25:54,040
that's him there,
that's him there.
438
00:25:54,040 --> 00:26:00,720
Edna is deterred three mounds from
the left up there, so off you go.
439
00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:03,880
Blessings in abundance
and internal damnation.
440
00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:06,560
It doesn't matter if they're
bereaving over the wrong one,
441
00:26:06,560 --> 00:26:08,720
does it? They'll never know
unless they dig her up.
442
00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:11,120
They're not going to
dig her up cos she's here.
443
00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:13,560
Anyway, it's about the send-off,
really, isn't it?
444
00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:17,200
We like to give them some lovely
words of comfort, don't we, like...
445
00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:21,000
Oh... Goodbye, Fred. You is...dead.
446
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:26,560
Yeah, that, or fear not death,
'tis only in another room.
447
00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:39,120
Naked flame!
448
00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:46,200
Damn it! Extinguisher! Buggers!
Quick! Stupid buggers!
449
00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:49,040
What have they done?
Stupid bloody buggers!
450
00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:53,000
Don't look at me
with your father's eyes!
451
00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:58,280
It is possible to be a socialist
AND have staff, you know, darling!
452
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:08,920
Have you seen the bastard recently?
Hmm? Are you referring to Dad?
453
00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:10,160
Oh, Dad! Dad!
454
00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:13,720
Give him a little title to justify
his puny existence, why don't you?
455
00:27:13,720 --> 00:27:15,360
Dad! Yes, I saw him yesterday.
456
00:27:15,360 --> 00:27:18,120
Well, I don't know why you don't
just live with the bloody prick
457
00:27:18,120 --> 00:27:21,360
full time since you seem to bloody
love him so bloody much!
458
00:27:21,360 --> 00:27:25,200
No-one cares what I think! You never
care for my feelings, darling.
459
00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:27,560
Well, bugger, bugger, bollocks
to all of you!
460
00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:31,160
Hello, I'm Joanna Lumley.
461
00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:33,680
Much as I've loved working with
French and Saunders,
462
00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:37,480
and funny as they are -
and they ARE funny -
463
00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:40,520
I've got a very busy life
of my own now.
464
00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:43,280
I've got auditions lined up,
lots of auditions.
465
00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:45,480
My next one is for
London Underground.
466
00:27:45,480 --> 00:27:48,480
"Mind the gap."
"Stand clear of the closing doors."
467
00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:51,040
So, could you please get me
off their database?
468
00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:53,360
And, Jennifer, stop stalking me!
469
00:27:53,360 --> 00:27:54,880
Lose my number!
470
00:27:54,880 --> 00:27:56,720
Bye!
471
00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:03,560
# When you move in
right up close to me
472
00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:11,600
# That's when I get the shakes
all over me... #
473
00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:20,560
MUSIC: I'm Not In Love by 10CC
474
00:28:28,360 --> 00:28:32,200
MUSIC: Shout by Lulu
475
00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:40,200
POUNDING DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
476
00:28:45,880 --> 00:28:51,600
From Bristol,
it's best friends Mary and Marina.
477
00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:54,760
POUNDING DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
478
00:28:59,520 --> 00:29:03,240
I'm happy, I'm happy. I'm coming
out. Him there. You see him?
479
00:29:03,240 --> 00:29:05,480
I want him out, cos that ugly beard
480
00:29:05,480 --> 00:29:07,760
is just blending with
that bush over there.
481
00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:09,320
And by "bush",
482
00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:13,120
of course, they're not talking
about Dolly Background's privates.
483
00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:14,520
Come on, let's bung this up.
484
00:29:14,520 --> 00:29:16,560
Oh, God, you've got naughty hair,
haven't you?
485
00:29:16,560 --> 00:29:18,360
Yeah. Ow! Oh, shut up!
486
00:29:18,360 --> 00:29:20,600
Take the pain, bitch!
487
00:29:20,600 --> 00:29:23,440
Oh, we don't care who's a gay,
do we? No.
488
00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:28,400
We don't care who's in, who's out.
No. Who'll be back in five minutes.
489
00:29:28,400 --> 00:29:30,600
Well, they don't say "gay"
any more, do they?
490
00:29:30,600 --> 00:29:35,640
They says, er, LG...BLT,
or something, you know.
491
00:29:35,640 --> 00:29:41,440
Yeah, because it's
L-Jelly Bean King. Is it? Isn't it?
492
00:29:41,440 --> 00:29:44,320
Yeah, cos they named
the condition after her. Oh!
493
00:29:44,320 --> 00:29:48,040
Right, cos she was the first lesbian
discovered, weren't she?
494
00:29:48,040 --> 00:29:49,920
And they say Q now, don't they?
495
00:29:49,920 --> 00:29:51,920
They say Q - B&Q.
496
00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:54,440
No, no, no! BGT, innit?
497
00:29:54,440 --> 00:29:56,760
No, that's Britain's Got Talent.
Oh, yeah.
498
00:29:56,760 --> 00:29:58,720
Yeah.
499
00:29:58,720 --> 00:30:02,840
All of my backing singers have been
killed in a car crash! Oh, tragic!
500
00:30:02,840 --> 00:30:05,480
You don't happen to know
any of my songs at all, do you?
501
00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:09,880
Only all of them. Truly.
We do, yeah. Try us. Right, right.
502
00:30:11,640 --> 00:30:14,800
# The only one who could
ever reach me
503
00:30:14,800 --> 00:30:17,280
# Uh-uh!
Was the son of a preacher man
504
00:30:17,280 --> 00:30:20,440
# The only one who could
ever teach me
505
00:30:20,440 --> 00:30:23,000
# Uh-uh!
Was the son of a preacher man
506
00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:24,680
# Yes, he was
507
00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:26,160
# He was
508
00:30:26,160 --> 00:30:27,280
# Oh... #
509
00:30:27,280 --> 00:30:28,760
Key change.
510
00:30:28,760 --> 00:30:31,360
# ..Yes, he was. #
511
00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:34,000
But we've got Clare Balding now.
That's all that matters.
512
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:35,720
No, I love her. I love her.
513
00:30:35,720 --> 00:30:38,400
Knows what she's talking
about whatever the subject,
514
00:30:38,400 --> 00:30:39,920
even if she don't, doesn't she?
515
00:30:39,920 --> 00:30:41,600
Yeah, yeah.
516
00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:44,640
We don't care who's doing what to
who any more, do we? No!
517
00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:47,200
Nowadays, we're gender fluid.
518
00:30:47,200 --> 00:30:49,680
Well, speak for yourself.
No, I'm dry.
519
00:30:49,680 --> 00:30:51,200
I'm dry.
520
00:30:51,200 --> 00:30:53,760
You're not always dry, are you?
521
00:30:55,040 --> 00:30:56,880
I'm all right.
522
00:30:56,880 --> 00:30:59,040
SHE GROANS
523
00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:10,240
Is that an ear?
524
00:31:11,880 --> 00:31:14,120
Yes, it is, yes.
525
00:31:14,120 --> 00:31:17,840
Been working down the lab and they
couldn't find a mouse big enough.
526
00:31:17,840 --> 00:31:19,640
Knock-knock! Come in!
527
00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:21,920
Oh, goodness me!
528
00:31:38,560 --> 00:31:41,840
What's that? It's a baby.
It's the Giant's baby.
529
00:31:43,240 --> 00:31:46,200
You know the film's out and you know
it's based on me, right?
530
00:31:46,200 --> 00:31:49,240
The Little Mermaid. No, Pocahontas!
531
00:31:50,760 --> 00:31:56,080
So, plain card, right?
And watch these magic fingers.
532
00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:07,480
And there we go - doily!
533
00:32:09,480 --> 00:32:12,840
I'm almost unbelievably beautiful,
aren't I?
534
00:32:12,840 --> 00:32:14,880
Are you? Yes, I am, yes.
535
00:32:16,080 --> 00:32:17,720
Flawless.
536
00:32:18,840 --> 00:32:21,400
CALIFORNIAN ACCENT:
Yeah, and I'm so excited.
537
00:32:21,400 --> 00:32:26,200
Yah, he was excited and we loved
the trip. We had such a good time.
538
00:32:26,200 --> 00:32:28,200
I know!
539
00:32:28,200 --> 00:32:30,400
CALIFORNIAN ACCENT:
Oh, my God, I'm so pretty!
540
00:32:30,400 --> 00:32:33,440
Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! Oh!
541
00:32:33,440 --> 00:32:35,400
Oh, get away!
Oh, my God, what is that?
542
00:32:35,400 --> 00:32:37,120
Ow! Ow!
543
00:32:37,120 --> 00:32:39,320
Oh, it's just my big fat ass. Yeah.
544
00:32:39,320 --> 00:32:42,640
I thought it was someone else.
It was just my own ass.
545
00:32:42,640 --> 00:32:44,480
You're so pretty!
546
00:32:44,480 --> 00:32:46,920
Oh, my God!
547
00:32:46,920 --> 00:32:48,920
You're so pretty!
548
00:32:48,920 --> 00:32:53,160
You look so pretty!
You're so cute! You're so cute!
549
00:32:53,160 --> 00:32:55,920
Like, will you help me
clean out my closet? No, I can't.
550
00:32:55,920 --> 00:32:58,400
Oh, my God, cos I'm, like,
so exhausted.
551
00:32:58,400 --> 00:33:02,520
I feel, like, so stressed. And I'm
so excited. Completely stressed.
552
00:33:02,520 --> 00:33:04,480
Oh, God, you look so pretty!
553
00:33:04,480 --> 00:33:09,160
Oh, thank you! I love you!
I love you!
554
00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:10,480
I love you!
555
00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:12,800
NORMAL ACCENT: Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait...
556
00:33:12,800 --> 00:33:15,120
NORMAL ACCENT: What? What, what?
557
00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:16,560
You haven't blended. Look.
558
00:33:16,560 --> 00:33:19,400
No, don't worry about that.
Don't worry about that.
559
00:33:19,400 --> 00:33:21,400
CALIFORNIAN ACCENT:
Like, ever since Paris,
560
00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:23,400
I feel, like,
so anxious all the time.
561
00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:27,160
Yeah, I'm so excited.
562
00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:30,880
NORMAL ACCENT: This is ridiculous!
Can we just stop this, please?
563
00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:32,760
What are you doing? Stop it!
Stop it!
564
00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:36,040
Yes, stop it
because it's ridiculous. What, what?
565
00:33:36,040 --> 00:33:37,240
What are you doing?
566
00:33:37,240 --> 00:33:39,160
I just don't understand
why we're doing this.
567
00:33:39,160 --> 00:33:41,880
Because we're connecting with
the kids. We're being relevant.
568
00:33:41,880 --> 00:33:44,600
What kids? What kids?!
569
00:33:47,360 --> 00:33:49,800
I'm looking at a sea of grey!
570
00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:52,960
What, kids that happen
to be watching it
571
00:33:52,960 --> 00:33:55,000
by mistake at their granny's?
572
00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:56,560
Those kids?
573
00:33:58,160 --> 00:34:00,520
This is ridiculous, Dawn!
No, it isn't.
574
00:34:00,520 --> 00:34:01,960
Look at you! Look at you!
575
00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:03,920
You've missed the whole point of it.
576
00:34:03,920 --> 00:34:07,240
Because I won't look like this
when it goes out, will I?
577
00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:11,120
What do you mean? No, all of this
will be much smallened here.
578
00:34:11,120 --> 00:34:13,840
Everything here will be flattened,
that will be biggened
579
00:34:13,840 --> 00:34:17,560
and smoothened round,
and all of this will be blended.
580
00:34:17,560 --> 00:34:19,480
I'll be totally airbrushed.
581
00:34:19,480 --> 00:34:21,480
Will I be airbrushed?
582
00:34:21,480 --> 00:34:23,760
No, you're going
to look crap, like that.
583
00:34:23,760 --> 00:34:26,160
Oh, God, I hate you! I HATE YOU!
584
00:34:27,560 --> 00:34:29,720
CALIFORNIAN ACCENT:
Just concentrate on this.
585
00:34:29,720 --> 00:34:32,280
Let's break the internet.
586
00:34:34,520 --> 00:34:37,200
# Oh, yeah, yeah
587
00:34:38,880 --> 00:34:40,320
# Yeah. #
588
00:34:40,320 --> 00:34:44,640
Ladies and gentlemen, it is my
privilege to introduce Kiki Dee!
589
00:34:47,120 --> 00:34:50,040
# Don't go breaking my heart
590
00:34:50,040 --> 00:34:52,640
# I couldn't if I tried... #
591
00:34:52,640 --> 00:34:56,360
# Throw the dice
Let's spin the wheel to see
592
00:34:56,360 --> 00:34:59,960
# If our love is now a casualty
593
00:34:59,960 --> 00:35:03,040
# C'est la vie, c'est la vie
594
00:35:03,040 --> 00:35:04,440
# C'est la, c'est la, c'est la vie
595
00:35:04,440 --> 00:35:06,680
# Say good for you
Say bad for me
596
00:35:06,680 --> 00:35:08,320
# Quite bad for me
597
00:35:08,320 --> 00:35:10,400
# C'est la vie, c'est la vie
598
00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:12,280
# C'est la, c'est la, c'est la vie
599
00:35:12,280 --> 00:35:14,600
# Say what will be will be will be
600
00:35:14,600 --> 00:35:15,920
# Be-be-be-be-be-be-be... #
601
00:35:15,920 --> 00:35:19,920
# Cross my heart
and count to ten... #
602
00:35:19,920 --> 00:35:22,040
Hello, I'm Caroline.
603
00:35:25,440 --> 00:35:27,680
And I'm Sharon.
604
00:35:32,200 --> 00:35:34,680
And I'm Andrea.
605
00:35:34,680 --> 00:35:36,240
Jim!
606
00:35:36,240 --> 00:35:39,920
# You shouldn't be
607
00:35:41,120 --> 00:35:43,320
# Here I am
608
00:35:43,320 --> 00:35:45,400
# Please try to think of me... #
609
00:35:45,400 --> 00:35:46,960
# Way back when
610
00:35:46,960 --> 00:35:49,720
# The world was brighter then
611
00:35:49,720 --> 00:35:54,560
# And when the bride danced
the night away... #
612
00:35:54,560 --> 00:35:56,960
# I am a man, yes, I am
613
00:35:56,960 --> 00:35:59,720
# With a big responsibility... #
614
00:35:59,720 --> 00:36:01,320
Ssh, be quiet!
615
00:36:03,760 --> 00:36:05,720
# Turn a feather head
616
00:36:05,720 --> 00:36:07,720
# It's so normal
617
00:36:07,720 --> 00:36:09,400
# Unless everybody hops
618
00:36:09,400 --> 00:36:11,040
# Then it's crazy
619
00:36:11,040 --> 00:36:13,920
# Play it with pants instead
620
00:36:13,920 --> 00:36:15,840
# And that is DIPPY! #
621
00:36:18,040 --> 00:36:20,360
# Yeahhhhh... #
622
00:36:41,040 --> 00:36:44,120
# They say our love
won't pay the rent
623
00:36:44,120 --> 00:36:48,560
# Before it's earned
Our money's all been spent
624
00:36:51,120 --> 00:36:53,840
# I guess that's so
We don't have a pot
625
00:36:53,840 --> 00:36:58,280
# At least I'm sure of all
the things we got... #
626
00:36:58,280 --> 00:37:04,600
# Magic flies like
a crystal vision...
627
00:37:04,600 --> 00:37:09,840
# Within her heart
like a bird in flight
628
00:37:09,840 --> 00:37:12,960
# If I can be your daughter... #
629
00:37:15,800 --> 00:37:17,520
# Come on, people, on the floor
630
00:37:17,520 --> 00:37:20,480
# Get into the groove... #
631
00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:31,520
They invited me onto one
of their shows to sing a nice song,
632
00:37:31,520 --> 00:37:33,200
then they shot me.
633
00:37:33,200 --> 00:37:36,240
# We-e-e-e-e-ell...#
634
00:37:44,920 --> 00:37:50,160
And then nothing - not another word.
635
00:37:58,240 --> 00:38:00,360
I need to speak to you,
George Warleggan.
636
00:38:00,360 --> 00:38:02,520
I have nothing to
say to you, Demelza.
637
00:38:02,520 --> 00:38:05,040
Don't you walk out on me!
638
00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:08,520
BOTH: Fa-fa-fa, fa-fa-fa...
639
00:38:08,520 --> 00:38:10,920
< Cut!
640
00:38:10,920 --> 00:38:12,680
I'm sorry, what were you saying?
641
00:38:12,680 --> 00:38:16,760
Fa-fa-fa. We're fa-fa-ing. Yes.
We're not angry rhubarb like them.
642
00:38:16,760 --> 00:38:18,480
We're fa-fas. Fa-fa-fa-fa!
643
00:38:18,480 --> 00:38:20,360
Can you just say nothing?
644
00:38:20,360 --> 00:38:22,560
Going again.
645
00:38:22,560 --> 00:38:24,600
Nothing?
646
00:38:26,000 --> 00:38:27,960
I need to speak to you,
George Warleggan.
647
00:38:27,960 --> 00:38:30,160
I have nothing to say to you,
Demelza.
648
00:38:30,160 --> 00:38:31,800
Don't you walk out on me.
649
00:38:31,800 --> 00:38:34,760
MIMICS PARROT: Pretty Polly!
Pretty Polly! Cut!
650
00:38:36,800 --> 00:38:39,760
No, I didn't say a word.
That was the parrot.
651
00:38:39,760 --> 00:38:41,840
That was the parrot speaking.
Silly parrot!
652
00:38:41,840 --> 00:38:43,040
Can we lose the parrot?
653
00:38:43,040 --> 00:38:45,960
But this is my husband's parrot.
Yes, she would have the parrot.
654
00:38:45,960 --> 00:38:49,040
He's a seaman. He's away at sea.
This is all I have of him.
655
00:38:49,040 --> 00:38:53,280
Well, this and our poorly baby.
This baby's got typhoid
656
00:38:53,280 --> 00:38:55,920
so the parrot is a great
comfort to me.
657
00:38:55,920 --> 00:38:58,320
And I would have a parrot
in these days, wouldn't I,
658
00:38:58,320 --> 00:39:00,760
and these are the days just
before The Onedin Line.
659
00:39:00,760 --> 00:39:04,320
When does it become The Onedin Line?
Is there a set date?
660
00:39:04,320 --> 00:39:07,120
Reset. Five minutes.
661
00:39:08,720 --> 00:39:13,240
Is that our friend over there?
Where? I don't want to point. Where?
662
00:39:13,240 --> 00:39:17,280
Two o'clock, two o'clock. No, my two
o'clock. Six o'clock, six o'clock.
663
00:39:17,280 --> 00:39:18,760
There. There!
664
00:39:18,760 --> 00:39:20,480
Oh, yes, that's him, that's him.
665
00:39:20,480 --> 00:39:23,040
BOTH: What's his name?
666
00:39:23,040 --> 00:39:24,760
Helligan, is it?
667
00:39:27,120 --> 00:39:32,280
Hello! No, no, no, no, no.
I know, you hate this, don't you?
668
00:39:32,280 --> 00:39:34,240
This is awful, isn't it?
669
00:39:34,240 --> 00:39:39,120
Charged up to you, haven't asked you
any permission. We're not riffraff.
670
00:39:39,120 --> 00:39:41,520
We're not the angry
rhubarb-rhubard-rhubarb.
671
00:39:41,520 --> 00:39:45,480
We're actually fa-fas.
We're not the great unwashed. No.
672
00:39:45,480 --> 00:39:46,920
Do you want another picture?
673
00:39:46,920 --> 00:39:49,440
Of what, sorry? Me.
674
00:39:49,440 --> 00:39:51,440
No, no, no, no, no, no.
675
00:39:51,440 --> 00:39:56,960
I've already WhatsApp'd the 200 we
did of you to my son in Dubai, yes.
676
00:39:56,960 --> 00:39:59,560
He was a bit disappointed. Oh, why?
677
00:39:59,560 --> 00:40:04,240
Cos he wanted Aidan, really. Yes,
the actual Poldark. No, no, don't...
678
00:40:04,240 --> 00:40:07,320
You could help us.
Yes, we could ask you this.
679
00:40:07,320 --> 00:40:10,240
You are an actual member of
high society. A fa-fa.
680
00:40:10,240 --> 00:40:13,600
A real fa-fa,
and do you think it's right
681
00:40:13,600 --> 00:40:16,400
that all the posh people have been
given the lines in this?
682
00:40:16,400 --> 00:40:20,960
Because we have been singled out to
say absolutely nothing in this,
683
00:40:20,960 --> 00:40:25,040
haven't we? Yes. And yet we are the
people with the huge body of work.
684
00:40:25,040 --> 00:40:28,480
Yes, yes.
Are you familiar with our work?
685
00:40:28,480 --> 00:40:32,000
Fa-fa-fa! Fa-fa!
686
00:40:34,600 --> 00:40:36,280
Foo-fa!
687
00:40:36,280 --> 00:40:39,320
Cut! CUT! What the BLEEP is that?
688
00:40:39,320 --> 00:40:43,120
What the BLEEP is that,
you BLEEP sons of bitches?
689
00:40:44,480 --> 00:40:47,200
AIR WHOOSHES
690
00:40:47,200 --> 00:40:48,520
Cut!
691
00:40:49,880 --> 00:40:52,000
We brought them from home...
692
00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:54,800
Roy, why did you book these two?!
693
00:40:54,800 --> 00:40:56,400
I want a word with you
in the Vic. Now.
694
00:40:56,400 --> 00:40:58,720
Kat, darling,
I've got to work the stall. No, now!
695
00:41:00,640 --> 00:41:02,920
Doof-doof, doof-doof-doof-doof...
696
00:41:02,920 --> 00:41:06,600
THEY HUM THE EASTENDERS THEME
697
00:41:13,920 --> 00:41:18,560
Really quite an oeuvre.
Oh, thank you, kind sir!
698
00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:21,440
He's hating this, isn't he?
It's awful. Isn't it awful?
699
00:41:21,440 --> 00:41:25,160
Can I ask you something, George
Fourleggan? Are you staying nearby?
700
00:41:25,160 --> 00:41:27,960
No, don't ask him that. No?
No, don't ask him that.
701
00:41:27,960 --> 00:41:30,080
He can't answer it. Can you? No.
702
00:41:30,080 --> 00:41:31,440
No.
703
00:41:31,440 --> 00:41:32,640
Right, we're just wondering
704
00:41:32,640 --> 00:41:34,800
if you've done anything
traditional or local at all
705
00:41:34,800 --> 00:41:36,160
while you've been in Cornwall?
706
00:41:36,160 --> 00:41:37,560
Have you been to Trago Mills?
707
00:41:37,560 --> 00:41:39,960
It's very good there, yes.
708
00:41:39,960 --> 00:41:42,120
Or Granny Wobbly's Fudge Pantry?
709
00:41:42,120 --> 00:41:45,640
He's laughing at that. It's not
funny. It's an actual place.
710
00:41:45,640 --> 00:41:48,800
Granny Wobbly's Fudge Pantry.
Yes, yes.
711
00:41:48,800 --> 00:41:51,320
Isn't your son something to do
with fudge? Yes, yes.
712
00:41:51,320 --> 00:41:53,040
My son is a fudge-packer,
713
00:41:53,040 --> 00:41:55,680
according to his friends in Dubai,
isn't he?
714
00:41:55,680 --> 00:41:58,000
I've never seen any
evidence of the actual fudge.
715
00:41:58,000 --> 00:41:59,800
He doesn't bring any of it home,
716
00:41:59,800 --> 00:42:02,720
not even the stuff that no-one wants
that comes out the back.
717
00:42:02,720 --> 00:42:05,000
That's my favourite stuff.
Do you need anything?
718
00:42:05,000 --> 00:42:06,240
Oh, here's Demelza!
719
00:42:06,240 --> 00:42:10,640
Here she is. She's come to
rescue him. You stay there.
720
00:42:10,640 --> 00:42:14,120
She's come to pretend that he's
needed in make-up when he isn't.
721
00:42:14,120 --> 00:42:16,920
He doesn't need make-up. No.
You know who never needs make-up?
722
00:42:16,920 --> 00:42:18,520
Aidan!
723
00:42:18,520 --> 00:42:20,920
Yes, she's a little bit soft
on Aidan, aren't you?
724
00:42:20,920 --> 00:42:23,680
Tell Demelza about Aidan.
Don't get jealous.
725
00:42:23,680 --> 00:42:25,520
About when he had his shirt off,
you know,
726
00:42:25,520 --> 00:42:27,240
and he was in the fields
with his shirt off.
727
00:42:27,240 --> 00:42:29,720
Probably best not to mention that.
No, don't mention that.
728
00:42:29,720 --> 00:42:31,040
It was a long time ago.
729
00:42:31,040 --> 00:42:33,840
We've done quite a lot of
really good work since then.
730
00:42:33,840 --> 00:42:38,360
Yes, of course. Yes, of course,
we completely respect that. Yes.
731
00:42:38,360 --> 00:42:42,040
Oh, is that Aidan over there?
Is that him there? It is.
732
00:42:42,040 --> 00:42:44,160
Oh, I think it is! Oh, my goodness!
733
00:42:44,160 --> 00:42:46,920
Aidan! Captain Poldark!
734
00:42:46,920 --> 00:42:49,800
My friend here's got something
she'd like to tell you.
735
00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:53,040
It's a lovely thing. When you were
in the fields with your chest out.
736
00:42:53,040 --> 00:42:56,320
Yes, when you were scything the ripe
corn, and you were sweating a lot.
737
00:42:56,320 --> 00:42:57,800
She only wants to tell you about...
738
00:42:57,800 --> 00:43:00,320
Aidan! Aidan! Aidan!
Where's he going?
739
00:43:00,320 --> 00:43:03,400
Aidan! Aidan! Aidan! Aidan!
Aidan! Aidan! Aidan! AIDAN!
740
00:43:03,400 --> 00:43:08,320
Aidan! AIDAN! What's his second
name? Poldark. Poldark! Poldark!
741
00:43:08,320 --> 00:43:12,680
Poldark! Poldark! POLDAAARK! What is
the matter with him? Just stop!
742
00:43:12,680 --> 00:43:14,040
Stop!
743
00:43:14,040 --> 00:43:16,560
Hang on, hang on, hang on, wait.
744
00:43:16,560 --> 00:43:19,080
We have done four series.
745
00:43:19,080 --> 00:43:21,440
That is hours of acting
746
00:43:21,440 --> 00:43:24,040
and rehearsing, where we
have to find within us
747
00:43:24,040 --> 00:43:26,560
that empty void that
is ready then to fill
748
00:43:26,560 --> 00:43:30,680
with the character's feelings -
pain, joy, ART,
749
00:43:30,680 --> 00:43:34,160
to charge relationships
with believable reality,
750
00:43:34,160 --> 00:43:38,400
to cry, to love, to hate.
Absolutely. I've buried children.
751
00:43:38,400 --> 00:43:40,680
I've worn a very, very tight corset.
752
00:43:40,680 --> 00:43:44,440
I've got a very uncomfortable
collar. Tell them about the mascara.
753
00:43:44,440 --> 00:43:47,640
I have had to work for the past
four series without mascara.
754
00:43:47,640 --> 00:43:51,200
Do you any idea how brave that is?
755
00:43:51,200 --> 00:43:54,720
And all you remember is that scene.
756
00:43:55,800 --> 00:43:57,520
Yes. Yes.
757
00:43:59,040 --> 00:44:03,640
It's just because he has that little
bit of skin on him down here.
758
00:44:03,640 --> 00:44:05,600
This wouldn't be allowed
if he was a woman.
759
00:44:05,600 --> 00:44:07,800
You know, cos when a man
pulls his trousers down low,
760
00:44:07,800 --> 00:44:09,640
there's that man shape,
761
00:44:09,640 --> 00:44:12,080
I don't know what it is, and there's
that bit of skin there
762
00:44:12,080 --> 00:44:15,600
and I like to imagine that,
when he wakes up in the morning,
763
00:44:15,600 --> 00:44:17,440
he smells of biscuits...
764
00:44:17,440 --> 00:44:20,520
Stop it! Don't worry about her.
She's no danger.
765
00:44:20,520 --> 00:44:23,480
She won't act on anything.
She's dead from the waist down.
766
00:44:23,480 --> 00:44:25,960
Seriously, though, if you were a man
letching over a woman
767
00:44:25,960 --> 00:44:27,280
the way you letch over him,
768
00:44:27,280 --> 00:44:29,360
I could have you
reported and taken off this set.
769
00:44:29,360 --> 00:44:32,880
Steady on! I'm being attacked by a
feminist, or something!
770
00:44:32,880 --> 00:44:36,600
I give up. You give up? Oh, she's
given up. That's rather useful.
771
00:44:36,600 --> 00:44:39,160
Would you mind quickly taking
a snap? Just a quick one.
772
00:44:39,160 --> 00:44:42,280
Just a quick one, George.
One with us with Mr Helligan.
773
00:44:42,280 --> 00:44:44,680
There we go, that's it. Look at him!
774
00:44:44,680 --> 00:44:46,640
APPLAUSE
775
00:44:52,160 --> 00:44:53,680
Thank you.
776
00:44:55,000 --> 00:44:59,760
So, there we have it. Can I just
thank everyone at home for watching?
777
00:44:59,760 --> 00:45:01,920
Thank you, the audience,
for being here this evening
778
00:45:01,920 --> 00:45:03,320
and can I just briefly...
779
00:45:03,320 --> 00:45:05,480
Do you mind?
No, no, I'll lead you in.
780
00:45:05,480 --> 00:45:07,360
Do you know something?
781
00:45:07,360 --> 00:45:10,040
I want to say thank you to this
set, which has given us
782
00:45:10,040 --> 00:45:13,200
so many hours and hours of pleasure.
783
00:45:13,200 --> 00:45:16,120
APPLAUSE
Lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely.
784
00:45:17,200 --> 00:45:18,880
We've had so much fun in here.
785
00:45:18,880 --> 00:45:21,640
We can't end the show without me
saying one thing to you as well.
786
00:45:21,640 --> 00:45:23,680
What's that? Are you going to
do the accent, Dawn?
787
00:45:23,680 --> 00:45:26,800
NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT: How are you?
NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT: How are you?
788
00:45:26,800 --> 00:45:31,120
NORMAL ACCENT: Yes, and also,
I think, cos everyone here...
789
00:45:31,120 --> 00:45:33,840
Well, I'm a fan of yours,
obviously. Oh, stop it!
790
00:45:33,840 --> 00:45:37,160
Silly, silly. But I think there's
probably a question
791
00:45:37,160 --> 00:45:40,880
that most people really
want to ask you
792
00:45:40,880 --> 00:45:42,840
and I know I want
to ask you this question.
793
00:45:42,840 --> 00:45:45,680
What are you doing? Stop it.
Can I ask you a question?
794
00:45:45,680 --> 00:45:48,400
Of course you can!
795
00:45:48,400 --> 00:45:51,800
Dawn French off the
telly-o-vision... Yes?
796
00:45:51,800 --> 00:45:54,520
How are you feeling
about your weight? Ooh...
797
00:46:03,720 --> 00:46:05,000
Eurgh!
798
00:46:05,000 --> 00:46:06,840
Eurrrrgh!
799
00:46:06,840 --> 00:46:09,520
Eurgh! Eurgh!
800
00:46:18,120 --> 00:46:20,240
What are you doing?
801
00:46:20,240 --> 00:46:23,560
Just checking!
802
00:46:28,880 --> 00:46:31,280
Could you, erm, tidy up my growler
while you're down there?
803
00:46:31,280 --> 00:46:33,680
SNIPPING
Thank you very much.
804
00:46:33,680 --> 00:46:34,720
Cheerio!
805
00:46:36,080 --> 00:46:37,920
SCREAMING
806
00:46:42,000 --> 00:46:44,680
Oh, come on! That would have
finished you off, wouldn't it?
807
00:46:44,680 --> 00:46:48,720
Nothing at all, not even a scratch.
Did you miss, or something?
808
00:46:48,720 --> 00:46:50,480
Cos all I've got is
a grumbling headache.
809
00:46:51,520 --> 00:46:52,880
That's done it.
810
00:46:52,880 --> 00:46:55,360
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
811
00:46:57,560 --> 00:47:00,880
# Don't put your daughter
on the stage, Mrs Worthington
812
00:47:00,880 --> 00:47:03,520
# Don't put your daughter
on the stage
813
00:47:03,520 --> 00:47:07,520
# The profession is overcrowded
and the struggle's pretty tough
814
00:47:07,520 --> 00:47:09,640
# And admitting the fact
she's learning to act
815
00:47:09,640 --> 00:47:11,400
# That isn't quite enough
816
00:47:11,400 --> 00:47:14,680
# She has nice hands
to give the wretched girl her due
817
00:47:14,680 --> 00:47:18,320
# But don't you think her bust
is too developed for her age?
818
00:47:18,320 --> 00:47:19,920
# I repeat, Mrs Worthington
819
00:47:19,920 --> 00:47:21,920
# Sweet Mrs Worthington
820
00:47:21,920 --> 00:47:25,160
# Don't put your daughter
on the stage
821
00:47:25,160 --> 00:47:26,880
# Regarding yours
822
00:47:26,880 --> 00:47:28,920
# Dear Mrs Worthington
823
00:47:28,920 --> 00:47:31,280
# Of Wednesday the 23rd
824
00:47:31,280 --> 00:47:35,840
# Although your baby may be
keen on a stage career
825
00:47:35,840 --> 00:47:37,080
# How can I make it clear?
826
00:47:37,080 --> 00:47:39,560
# This is not a good idea
827
00:47:39,560 --> 00:47:41,160
# For her to hope
828
00:47:41,160 --> 00:47:42,640
# Dear Mrs Worthington
829
00:47:42,640 --> 00:47:46,280
# Is, on the face of it, absurd
830
00:47:46,280 --> 00:47:49,480
# Her personality
is not, in reality
831
00:47:49,480 --> 00:47:51,440
# Exciting enough, inviting enough
832
00:47:51,440 --> 00:47:53,200
# For this particular sphere
833
00:47:53,200 --> 00:47:56,600
# Don't put your daughter
on the stage, Mrs Worthington
834
00:47:56,600 --> 00:47:59,040
# Don't put your daughter
on the stage
835
00:47:59,040 --> 00:48:01,560
# Though they said
at the school of acting
836
00:48:01,560 --> 00:48:03,080
# She was lovely as Peer Gynt
837
00:48:03,080 --> 00:48:05,240
# I'm afraid
On the whole, an ingenue role
838
00:48:05,240 --> 00:48:06,880
# Would emphasise her squint
839
00:48:06,880 --> 00:48:08,600
# She's a big girl
840
00:48:08,600 --> 00:48:11,000
# And though her teeth
are fairly good
841
00:48:11,000 --> 00:48:13,720
# She's not the type
I ever would be eager to engage
842
00:48:13,720 --> 00:48:16,080
# No more buts, Mrs Worthington
843
00:48:16,080 --> 00:48:17,960
# Nuts, Mr Worthington
844
00:48:17,960 --> 00:48:20,800
# Don't put your daughter
on the stage. #
845
00:48:27,200 --> 00:48:29,720
What does that say?
846
00:48:29,720 --> 00:48:33,000
Fin, or something. Fin. Fin.
847
00:48:33,000 --> 00:48:35,520
Oh, that's the end. The end!
848
00:48:35,520 --> 00:48:37,440
Oh, hooray for that!
104516
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