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I got to the Costa del Sol about 3 years ago. I had

Some cash set aside, and after dedicating my life

to law enforcement,

I moved to Marbella to take some time off

For myself

To improve my diet...

No, I'm full.

Hey kid, get me a low calorie dessert!

Gotta watch what I eat. You fat little slut!

To get into shape...

Gotta love these little sluts. Russian girls laugh at anything.

To make new friends...

hey, don't leave your post, baby!

She's ugly, but she'll suck you dry.

People adored me.

I was loved...

and respected.

The life of the party has arrived!

What's wrong? Why all the long faces?

Come on, cheer up!

Torrente's buying!

Until one day, it all fell apart.

Villainous criminals robbed me of my entire fortune

in fraudulent fashion.

17.

Three times in a row! This is fucking unbelievable!

Leave it there, kid.

Leave it there, I'm going for 4. I'll buy Marbella!

Go ahead, let it ride!

Sir, the chips are each worth one million.

Wait, wait a second, wait.

A million each?

Stick it in this bag and I'll be on my way.

Like I said,

you need real balls to play this game.

Are you saying I haven't got balls?

Watch this. I'll bet all of it. And this.

Fine, everything. My gold cross,

my shoes, my crocodile skin shoes,

they're brand new.

The keys to the Ferrari...

That's balls for you.

Wait kid, before you spin...

My diamond-ruby Atletico de Madrid pin. Do it.

Gentlemen, no more bets.

Spin away!

Let's go, I'm on a roll.

Alone, without money, without women...

I got to thinking, and...

I decided to return

to my previous life:

the fight against crime... the defense of order...

the fulfilment of justice.

And so, I started my very own detective school agency.

Yes, sir.

I almost forgot...

My name is Torrente.

José Luis Torrente.

ToRRENTE 2 MISSION IN MARBELLA

Cuco, lighten up. We're pals, you know that.

I give you guys free hash one day,

and more the next day...

Do I look like the Salvation Army?

Okay, Cuco.

Look what we got for you.

Holy shit!

Okay, fine.

But only because you caught me in a good mood. I'm a saint.

Eat it! Attack!

Hey, Torrente, the Pokemon!

I finally got Pikachu.

You're risking your life, kid.

What's that?

This is a killing machine.

And a faithful pet.

You mean you got a dog?

Allow me to introduce Franco, our new

-combat machine. -That's a combat machine?

A Rottweiler.

A dog trained from birth

to annihilate the enemy.

-You're too much. -hey!

He's a Rottweiler!

Are you blind? he's a Boxer.

Wait a second.

The instructions say

he's in the Pitbull family, with a "pet degree" and everything.

These are the voice controls. I'll have him attack you.

You'll shit.

Mush! Mush!

Mush! Mush!

He's just sniffing you first

-for drugs. -he'll get high as a kite!

Good times, Luis Alberto.

The euro's crashing, the oil supply's running out...

I'm ready for battle and I'm going to get those fuckers.

Sir?

What?

I told you, not when

I'm with Luis Alberto.

I'm sorry, sir.

My monkey has better manners.

Everything's ready...

Proceed.

-Yes? -Is this the mayor of Marbella?

Yes, who is it?

We have two Marker 17 Missiles aimed at the city.

Who gave you this phone number?

listen carefully.

Pay us two billion pesetas or we'll launch the missiles...

-Who was it, honey? -Some wacko.

Hello? hello...?

They hung up, sir.

Pain...

I see lots of pain.

Torrente, Torrente...

So what's my surveillance zone? I can get my dad's binoculars.

Is this kid fucking stupid? Look, kid.

You're busting my balls.

You're not qualified for surveillance,

or for anything. The only thing you're qualified for

is an ass-kicking.

Pablo, we already told you.

Bring the money or we can't sign you up for training.

-That's right. -I'll train the dog

-if you want. -Go fucking train your mom.

Nice wheels, kid! It's beautiful.

I told you, Torrente. Look, there's my cousin.

-How's it going? -Hey, fine, great.

-Did you get it for us? -It's right here.

But I told you I couldn't get papers. I can't get them for you.

You have no idea how hard it was to get it!

You brought the money, right?

No, but Cuco said this was no money down.

Shit, Cuco.

I even changed a tire, and the steering wheel... Damn, Cuco!

Well, we should test-drive it first anyway.

Drive slow!

-Can I drive? -No, you get too nervous.

-Come on, that was a long time ago! -No, I know you too well.

Please let me drive. I'm a good driver.

Look, kid. Here. Finally a mission for you.

Here's some change. Take Franco for an ice cream.

Get in, Torrente.

-This won't even buy an ice cube! -At the first stoplight

I'll take over for you.

Drive carefully.

That fucker! My car!

-Torrente... -My car!

-Who'll pay for my car! -Torrente...

You're dead! I'll kill you!

-It wasn't my fault! -You're a dead man!

-Come in. -Thank you.

As you can imagine, it simply can't be tolerated.

And not for financial reasons.

That's obviously not the issue.

Of course, it's a matter of respect.

Right, that's right.

-Respect. -Tell me about it.

I've been a loyal subscriber to the ABC for over 40 years.

A right-wing source of information is essential.

Everyday I open the door, pick up

my ABC, and read it while I drink

my coffee.

-As you should. -I live on the calle Maravillas.

Well, since a few weeks ago,

a group of vandals

has been trampling all the grass,

turning over garbage cans, and even worse,

intolerable,

stealing my newspaper.

Those days are over, Mr. Guijarro. I will personally

find these animals

and teach them to respect private property.

Right.

I'll walk you to the door.

Just look at that.

The Imperial Eagle sure adds class

to the emblem of our fatherland.

And then that fucking constitution took it all away.

It satisfies me to see that my case is in good hands.

Goodbye, sir.

See you soon.

What the fuck?

Torrente, you wanna hit?

Son of a bitch!

Come here, kid.

Look, kid. I was in deep shit,

and now look at me. I'm back.

You know how hard it was to create this emporium?

I've got loads

of important cases coming in, as you can see.

So if you screw up again, I'll castrate you!

Don't scream, Torrente.

Franco's very sensitive.

The mutt has diarrhea. Clean up that crap.

I have to go see another client.

She's cheating on me, I know it.

Don’t jump to conclusions.

I followed her! My wife's a hooker!

Everyday, when she thinks I'm at work,

she goes to a brothel.

But if you already followed her,

what do you need my services for?

No.

I followed her,

but I didn't go in.

If I went in and found her with another guy I'd kill her. Dead!

That's why I want you there with me. Here's her picture.

Nice big titties.

I mean... Antonio!

Put this on his tab! Let's go.

Hiring a pro was the right thing to do.

Taking justice into your own hands isn't politically correct anymore.

By the way, my payment... There's an ATM around the corner.

I'll meet you back here.

Excuse me, is this where the ladies are?

Ladies?

I mean hookers.

Yeah, come on in.

Anabel, Giselle,

Raquel,

Michelle,

and Francisca.

That one.

The bitch.

Go wash the cobwebs off.

Don't you like cottage cheese?

It's my lucky day.

Fat and disgusting.

Hopefully it's tiny.

You're a riot.

Look at her.

You make much in this joint?

What do you care, scumbag?

Well, to see how much you'll pay me

not to tell your husband, who's waiting downstairs,

that you're a whore.

You...

See if that's enough.

Right. Hey, fucking tires me out, but...

How about a little sword-cleaning?

Or I'll tell your husband.

Come on, it tastes like yogurt.

On your knees.

-You got my cash? -Yeah, here.

You're too paranoid.

It's just a sewing shop, a bunch of nuns sewing...

-Your wife spends all day sewing. -Sewing?

She's never sewn anything of mine!

-What's so funny? -Excuse me.

I wanted to soften the blow, but... Your wife's a hooker. A real whore.

I mean, she really sucks great.

She's never sucked anything of mine!

Maybe you should pay her.

Hey! hey!

Hey!

Well?

Sir?

What is the denomination

of origin of these bananas?

They're Dominican, sir.

Dominican? Good heavens!

How many times have I told you?

Luis Alberto only eats bananas from the Canary Islands!

They ran out yesterday and I thought...

You thought?

You mean, you thought?

Luis Alberto is sad. You see how drained he is?

He's very sensitive and these things

affect him a great deal. If I dismiss

your error without punishing you,

he'll think I don't care.

I just thought...

Thinking again!

Robertson.

Is the garbage disposal working?

No, sir, please...

Please, sir...

Paco, give me some change.

Quick, I've got the machine all warmed up.

Come on.

Ma'am...

I'm playing that.

She won!

Ma'am!

That's mine!

No, sir. The machine belongs to everyone.

I won this money and I'm leaving. Tough luck.

Ma'am!

-Give me that. -hey!

-Let go! -Off with his head!

He's taking my money! Bastard!

I'll kill you!

You hear me?

I remember your face!

I'll rip your head off!

I'll find you and kill you!

Get the car!

Gayolo's around here somewhere. Look, here he is.

-What are you doing? -Surveillance.

-In your sleep? -I was just snoozing.

Tomorrow I have to get up early for my route.

That's why I offered you amphetamines. They're non-addictive.

You guys just assume that all pills are bad.

Sure, kid. And while you're dozing off her lover goes in,

fucks her, and you miss the shot.

Surveillance is proof-gathering. That's why her husband pays us.

I'd say you're going to fail another trimester.

This surveillance stuff is fucking boring.

-When do we start shooting? -Shooting?

That's all you think about. What about your inscription money?

Such ingratitude. State-of-the-art investigative technology in his hand

-and he wants a shoot-out. -You're telling me.

There's a naked chick up there.

Well, well, well. An adultress and a lesbian.

Her husband'll be so pleased when we sell him

the photos. Give me that, kid.

Just a little longer.

Give me the damn periscope!

Suck those titties!

Turn there!

Turn, turn!

This lady's a real swinger.

Torrente, did you hear that?

Don't bother me, this is the best part.

You scared the shit out of me!

I can't pick up the bike myself...

I have a herniated disk, my doctor told me not to lift things.

See you later.

Where the fuck have you been?

The show's over. But we got lots of nice pics.

-Look what I found for you, Torrente. -Wow, a pin!

My favorite team, Atletico! This'll bring us good luck.

Perfect. I acquire missiles most countries would die for,

I have an entire city in check, and a few hours before,

the chip that guides and detonates them disappears. Fools!

Sir.

The intruder's gone, and Fabiano's missing.

Well, well, Fabiano.

He'd better turn up soon,

and with the detonator chip. If not, someone

will pay dearly.

That's a nice touch, kid.

Very kind of you.

Sometimes I get upset with you,

but you're a great helper, Cuco.

You taught me all I know,

Torrente.

Can I ask you a question?

Sure, kid, sure.

Why'd they kick you off the police force?

That's something I've never, ever told anyone.

But sometimes...

difficult experiences should be shared

with true friends.

So I'll tell you why, though it's hard for me...

It was many years ago.

In the spring of...

Nineteen...

Kid?

Kid?

Shit, my route!

I'll have to charge you guys for sleeping here.

Paco, don't be a jerk.

Pour me a whisky.

-And some tortilla. -Jesus, Torrente.

Like I always say, the last drink at home...

or you won't make it home.

Paco, give me an orange juice.

-Coming right up. -Fresh squeezed.

Sir, there are men from Interpol here.

What? Interpol?

Yes, Interpol.

-Miss, it's extremely urgent. -I said you can't...

No time for protocol.

Listen...

If it's about the land claims,

it's been taken care of.

-Land claims? -No, we're here about the missiles.

We need your cooperation

for the operation.

Operation?

You mean the missile threat was real?

I'm afraid so, sir. For now there's no cause for alarm.

We have an agent among Spinelli's men.

Didn't he play for Bayern Munich?

That's right, in three minutes it oxidizes and loses all the vitamins.

Though the skin is more concentrated.

Shut up.

-Anything besides the necklace? -No, just the diamond necklace.

It's worth a fortune.

Yeah, but they can't tell the police because her lover gave it to her.

Mrs. Kowalski's really something.

They hired a detective,

they say he's the best. he arrives at noon,

today.

-Maybe he'll get it back. -I hope so.

It's 10:30, I still have time.

I'm taking the gun on this one, it's a serious case.

Here, Franco. You'll love Dexidrine.

Don't give him that crap.

He'll shit everywhere.

Take him for a walk.

The landlady!

I know you're in there! Stop hiding!

She's such a pain in the ass.

-Open the door. -Me?

Yeah, she likes you. Go on.

I'll bust the door in!

Hi, there. Sorry I was so harsh, but your boss

owes me a few months

rent.

Fifteen.

Yeah, tell me about it.

He's so forgetful.

He drives me nuts.

Anyway, it must have been all that red tape stuff.

If you say so, I believe you.

You look like a good kid. But when you see

your boss tell him

I'm on to him.

Hey, handsome. If you need anything you know where to find me.

She's crazy about you.

You'll have to give her some.

What do you mean, Torrente?

Don't be coy, kid.

Those older ladies always want more.

Then give her your dog.

Hello.

Yes?

I'm the detective, they're expecting me.

Come in.

Wait here, I'll tell her you're here.

Hey, kid!

The backhand!

Watch the backhand!

-Tighten it up! -Get the fuck out of here.

Hello, I'm Mrs. Kowalski.

-Are you from the agency? -Yes, ma'am.

Show me where the crime took place.

This way.

You see?

They broke the jewelry box, but they didn't take anything else.

Ma'am, the clues are visible.

Obvious leads.

To the trained eye, of course.

I was a cop for many years.

Don't touch anything.

Ma'am...

Is this yours?

Yes, why?

No reason.

I was just imagining you with it on.

Ma'am.

I'm close to finding your necklace.

-Shouldn't you question the maid? -The maid?

Lady, the only question I have for

your made is "how much for a blow job?".

I'm running late, lots of cases. Maybe another time.

Could you give me an advance?

-I thought the agency handles that. -No, for transport.

Just some pocket money.

Thank you, ma'am.

Thank you very much.

-Will a photo of the necklace help? -Yes, yes.

This'll come in handy.

Right, ma'am, anytime. I'm off.

Don't bother showing me out, I know the way. Goodbye.

Hello.

Yes?

I'm from the agency.

Yes, about the plumbing, right?

We called last Thursday.

The whole bathroom's flooded.

Please come in.

What are you talking about?

Look, here we are.

This is it.

Keep your eyes open and your mouth shut.

And above all, kid, no distractions!

There should be a way...

To say everything...

But that's not the case.

Today I found that all the words...

Somehow joined together...

Torrente.

Torrente.

Are you all right?

This is incredible.

She's an angel. She's...

She's wonderful.

Wonderful.

-She sure is pretty. -No, more than pretty. More.

She's different from the rest.

My heart, kid. My heart.

I can feel it beating.

-I'm in love. -Come on, we have to investigate.

Didn't you say no distractions?

Simply with a kiss...

There's just no way.

These things always turn out badly.

Come on, Mauricio. Don't be a jerk. I'm a good client.

I have plenty of good clients.

What if...

For God's sake, cover yourself.

I have plenty of sluts, too.

Place is full of them.

How old are you?

Seventeen.

What color are your... panties?

It's your lucky day.

I don't have any with that little bird on them in my collection.

Well then?

Throw in the panties,

and I can give you 95 grams for the necklace.

Take it or leave it.

With Mauricio Torrente

there's no haggling.

You pig.

You've got a little pig in you as well.

95 grams.

Don't snort it all at once.

You're disgusting.

Don't be mad at Uncle Mauricio. You want some pills

as a tip?

Here, take them.

Oh, well, kid.

I don't see anything here that could have to do with the Kowalski case.

What do we do? File a complaint?

No, I think we'd better speak

directly to the owner.

-Come on. -I'll stay and guard your whisky.

Hey, kid. I want to see the owner.

Impossible.

Look, junior.

You...

You don't know me. I'm Torrente.

This way.

Dad.

Excuse me.

Go on, kid!

Go hit the gym.

You're excused.

Good evening, sir.

Who the fuck said you could...?

Relax, boss.

No worries.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

Have you seen this necklace?

Are you a cop?

Unfortunately, for them...

I'm no longer

part of the force. I'm a private investigator now,

a detective.

Let's see if I understood you right.

You come to my house, interrogate me...

If you want to see me you have to request an audience.

You're lucky I'm in a good mood.

I won't kick your ass this time.

Go on, get out of my sight.

It upsets my stomach

to see a guy so stupid

and ugly.

Marcelo.

Show this gentleman

the door.

Hey, there are nicer ways to not cooperate!

-How did it go? -Fine, fine.

They were scared but I could tell they knew nothing.

Another whisky.

Spanish brand, malt, imported, or Scotch?

I don't care. But let the lady serve me, you're too ugly.

I think we followed a false lead. These things happen

sometimes, it's inevitable.

-Then let's go, Torrente. -What's the hurry?

-I have to go deal some drugs. -Deal drugs?

Occasionally, just to make ends meet.

No excuses, kid. You know how I feel about drugs.

You have to take them with moderation, like me.

Rigorous self-control.

Or else you become a social outcast, one of those pariahs.

You want to end up marginal? Maladjusted?

Come on, grab the glass.

A junkie took the chip from you?

Yes.

-A fucking junkie. -And the chip

is inside a pin

with the insignia of Atletico de Madrid?

That's right.

Fucking right. I had it.

It was a stroke of bad luck.

I promise I'll get it back. Give me time.

You don't have much. Spinelli's looking for you

so he can repay your loyalty.

If you don't find the detonator in 48 hours,

we'll save him the trouble.

Dad, the artist is here.

You're going to describe for this gentleman

the junkie who robbed you.

You can't trust anyone these days.

Leaving his surveillance post like that... Gayolo's a disaster.

Well, having to get up early and all..

That's no way to be a detective.

That bitch is up there

with some jerk...

The thing is, unless they stand by the window,

-we're out of luck. -We'll have to wait.

This is the hardest part of being an investigator.

The waiting, so long and boring,

like a Sunday without soccer.

Let's jerk each other off.

With our hands or mouths?

What?

You're a freak. You pig.

"Mouths"!

Can you reach?

Show me.

Shit!

A shot!

That son of a bitch!

It's the husband!

He said he'd be gone till Saturday!

Another case fucked to hell.

The photos are useless now.

-Sell them to the tabloids. -The tabloids!

I don't know, his expression... he looked dumber.

Dumber?

Yeah.

-Dumber than this? -Yes.

Tomorrow morning all our associates

will have a copy.

Come early tomorrow, we have lots to do.

And I want you to walk the dog. Bye.

-Torrente... -What?

Could I stay with you tonight?

-My folks are pissed off at me. -Why?

My mom drives me crazy.

Now she's saying that I take things from home...

Go on, go on.

-Thanks. -I hope you don't snore.

Bad news, kid. The sofa's mine, you get the chair.

What have we here?

Just who I'm looking for.

We were on our way to see you, ma'am. We have the money.

Well, we had it.

But the kid...

He got mugged.

They took his wallet.

The gold MasterCard, all his cards, his money...

In fact,

I was opening the office so he could sleep here. He lost his keys, too.

How could the boy sleep in that pigsty?

Yeah, that's right. Maybe...

you could put him up?

Finally.

You finally said something that makes sense. Come on, honey.

-Go on. -I'll make room for you.

Did you eat dinner? You must be starving.

Go get her, champ!

Come.

Come to mama, sugar.

Torrente!

No, no, no.

Torrente!

Franco, you faggot!

I'll bet you've been out sucking other dogs' asses. Damn dog.

Kid, we've got work to do.

Are you okay?

I'm ready, Torrente.

Here, for the road, my love. Bacon with tomato and fried peppers.

Thanks, baby doll.

Right.

Goodbye, ma'am.

We have to gather information, kid! Why were you in there for so long?

You know, Torrente. Living the vida loca.

I'll smack you one.

Look, there he is.

Monolito!

What's up, Torrente?

-I have a job for you. -You do?

What do you make of this?

This is dangerous, Torrente.

I'm not ready to die yet.

Good Lord!

Elite forces are involved.

Top ranks of the higher archy.

The Pentagon!

-What about the necklace? -What necklace?

The one in the photo!

I thought you meant the ring.

What about the ring?

I told you, it's dangerous. I can't say more.

Got any change?

It's not about money, Torrente.

This ring can only be

worn by

specialists working

international affairs for the FBI.

You understand?

They're having an important party tonight.

At the American Consulate. They often show up

-around there. -We'll be there.

Thanks, Manolito.

-I owe you one. -Give me something!

Here, fucking take it! You're too impatient!

The kids are naturals at advertising!

"Where the cops can't reach, Torrente Investigations".

This is fucking cool.

I can break a few windows if you want.

Listen, kid.

-Didn't I tell you to fuck off? -here's one:

"If anyone bugs you at all, give Torrente a call".

Are you stupid?

"Is peace your objective? Torrente Detective".

"Be intelligent, call Torrente".

Mom!

Mom!

Run to Mommy, shithead!

How about it, Torrente? I'm ready for my diploma.

It was good, but... all in due time.

Looking good, Tirillas.

Just stop stealing the newspapers on the calle Maravillas, okay?

Mr. Torrente, sir.

We told Cuco, my cousin and I are quitting.

We're becoming security guards.

Security guards, my Lord!

My mom needs an operation.

We need that money we loaned you back.

No, of course, I'll pay you back.

-Pay him, Gayolo. -Me?

Yeah, sure.

We'll give you the diploma, and the next trimester free.

-Will I get to shoot? -Sure as shit!

Torrente, this is Sebas. He's new.

He's a retard!

He's a good kid. And with Tirillas and his cousin quitting...

What is this?

20 thousand pesetas from my mom in case of loss or emergency.

-And the whistle? -In case someone tries to rob me.

Like I said, dumb as dirt.

Hey, Torrente.

-Gayola didn't even cover half of it. -It's all I have.

Don't worry, Geronimo.

Relax, Tirillas. You know I'm good for it.

Listen up, kid.

You want to be one of us?

-Yes. -Good.

You're one of us now.

And since we

have an emergency, and that's emergency money...

You understand?

No! Mush! Mush!

What are you doing? Mush! Mush!

Bad boy! very bad!

One more time. You're one of us,

and we have an emergency,

so if this money is emergency money... It's ours, you got it?

That's more like it.

What are you doing, you retard?

Fucking hell!

The cops! The cops! Quick!

Split up!

What's going on?

Those damn friends of yours. We ran our asses off!

I sure envy those guys.

14 paychecks, a badge, an official car,

-servants of the State... -Come on, Torrente.

You'll be a cop again someday, you'll see.

It's fucking hot as hell.

-Let's go investigate that pool. -There?

-We don't have... -Wake up, kid.

Members of law enforcement don't pay in this country.

-Got a swimsuit? -No.

No matter. Today's underwear looks the same.

-That's true. -Hide the clothes.

Too bad we didn't bring Franco, he could sure use a bath.

Fuck are you looking at?

I hadn't noticed, Torrente.

-You have tits! -What?

They're pectorals! My pecs! I should kick your ass!

Don't get so riled up.

Come on! I want desire! Not kittens, tigers!

Come on, wet those lips! That's more like it!

Hey, Torrente.

Don't you have this feeling like we're being followed?

No, it's more like...

The Americans call it:

"constantension". Detectives get it. Constant tension.

But I'd already noticed, kid. I'm a pro.

Put that on, don't be such a scumbag.

Isn't the water great, Torrente?

Not just the water, kid.

Some fine females here.

Nice and clean.

Did you see that?

-See what? -A nigger!

-He's a good diver. -Diver?

How can they let a nigger share the water I swim in? Fucking sickos!

-How far can they go? -Excuse me.

Could you exit the pool?

Why? What's wrong?

Peeing in the pool is prohibited.

What? Who peed?

Look, we add a chemical solvent to the pool.

It reacts with urine. So that the kids don't pee...

And who's gonna make us leave?

It's not about not leaving, that's not the issue.

Since you look undecided,

why don't you discuss it with my colleague?

Shit, man! Another nigger! Let's go.

It wasn't me, maybe it was one of those little drops in my shorts

reacting to amino acids in the pool...

Yeah, right. You peed, just like me.

So this is

the junkie who stole the chip?

Yeah, the guy from the sketch. he's with your relative.

My relative? What relative?

-The fat ass from yesterday! -Sure.

He said his name was Torrente, so I let him in.

How could you think someone with such a stupid face

could be part of this family?

Dad's right.

Don't insult the family.

It can't be!

Of all the people in Spain,

it had to be this one,

in particular, who comes and fucks up my plan.

We've almost located them.

I suspect that the fool with the junkie

could be a nephew of mine.

If you have to kill him,

don't let that stop you.

Sir, Fabiano's alive. Apparently he had a partner in the robbery.

A small-time fence who owns a club. Mauricio Torrente.

They plan to sell the chip to the highest bidder.

I'm getting nervous. I need that detonator.

I don't care about the money.

I just want to blow up the city.

Right, Luis Alberto?

I don't understand. Why the fuck does your brother have to come along?

He says it's his car, and he trusts no one.

-Either he drives or no car. -Damn!

Come on, let's go!

Let's go, Luisito.

I can't fucking believe this!

I knew we'd need invitations to get in this place.

Thank God I have a strategic plan.

You stay here, in case we have to make a getaway. Give me those.

Hurry up, I have to be home by two.

You brought fucking Cinderella!

Lie down over there in the street and act like you're hurt.

Right there!

What's your problem?

What is that?

It's not believable.

Put your heart into it.

Someone's coming!

Good, good. That's it, very realistic.

Very believable.

Another, get ready!

Mr. and Mrs. Schneider Torres.

Mr. and Mrs. Gutierrez de Osma.

Mr. and Mrs.

Rodriguez Montalbo Winterbourne Alexander de Gayarre.

We left the others at home.

You see that, kid? Piece of cake.

And now, time to investigate.

Usual routine, right? You take the cocktails, I'll cover the appetizers.

Look, pastries!

One second, boss.

Good shit!

Let's go outside. What luxury!

You see him? Kunta Kinte.

It's all in the clothes, kid.

I feel elegant, seductive... Don Juan, basically.

What? You look like a waiter, Torrente.

You're a retard.

Here. Watch and learn.

Pardon me?

Have we met?

Well, no.

Not yet, baby.

But that can easily be changed.

Excuse me.

Wait, blondie.

Not so fast, honey.

I want to tell you a secret.

Did you know a woman's body

has five chicken parts?

Look: the left wing,

the right,

the gizzard, the breast,

and the wishbone!

She didn't like that at all!

The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings.

In that tiny thing? They'd never fit!

Come on, there's an empty room.

The safety of Europe is in good hands.

If you can stop them,

we have to pay two billion.

-Did he say two billion? -Shut up!

As we speak, Interpol has

several special units

working on the matter.

Special units, Interpol, two billion pesetas!

This is my dream case.

And here we are, so close, scraping the surface...

The necklace, the ring...

Interpol never fails. I'm handling the case personally.

Tomorrow we have an emergency meeting

in the Golden Gate at noon.

Did you hear that? You got the name?

-Golden Gate? -Don't forget it.

Cover yourself, kid. You're giving me a hard on.

There could be a clue in there.

I'll open the database.

-Got any coke? -What, to snort right now?

Aren't we working? I don't understand.

I'll add it to what you already owe me.

I'll slap you.

What are you doing?

Look, you retard. I'm gonna smack you.

-Torrente! How did you know? -Well, I could smell it.

And those years in the CIA.

How do we get in?

Get in?

Let me think...

Quick, what day is it?

Tuesday.

No, the date.

The third.

Let's get outta here!

Fary's playing. I've had tickets for months.

-Torrente! -No time to lose!

Relax, the snitch is reliable.

He saw them in the Consulate ten minutes ago. We've got them!

CANCELLED

Torrente, please...

Cheer up, Torrente.

Someday Fary will play at your own party,

you'll see.

You're the greatest.

And you're about to solve a huge case.

Besides, look.

That girl over there can't keep her eyes off you.

I just can't right now... I'm in love.

No, but I think...

She's a whore, Torrente.

Yeah?

Well, in that case...

Let's see what she wants.

-Hey, handsome. Looking for company? -No, thanks, I have a dog.

Hey, baby. What's up?

-What's your name? -Lulu, my name's Lulu.

But call me anything you want.

And when I say anything you want,

I mean... anything.

You have a... You're a guy.

Do you mind?

Well, as long as you don't charge me extra.

She wanted 15 thousand pesetas, the fucking bitch.

Not even for Claudia Schiffer.

What's your problem?

Not drinking?

No, I'm studying. Drinking's bad.

What the fuck? It's better than being a junkie, like your brother.

Alcohol purifies.

Look at me, drinking since I was ten, and I'm strong as a bull.

It's not fair.

They can't just cancel a concert for no reason.

With all those chicks outside! Fary's an asshole!

He can fucking go to hell!

-Who said that? -What's your problem?

Who the fuck said that?

You, on your knees!

Right there.

Say that Fary's the best singer in Spain.

Fary... best singer... in Spain.

Now say that Fary's God.

Fary is God.

Good. Say that...

your mother's a whore,

and she eats Fary's bugars. No,

don't say that.

Everyone knows that already. Sing the "Torito"!

-I don't know it. -You don't?

What the fuck?

It went off!

-You son of a bitch! -Asshole!

What a fucking mess!

You hear him squealing like a pig? I barely grazed his ear.

What a crybaby!

-Where's your brother? -He stayed with the transvestite.

What about the car?

That's my Cuco!

But let me drive. It's my brother's car.

I don't care whose car it is,

if you're with me, you're not driving. Coming or not?

You're making me crazy.

Wait...

I swear they were at the Consulate.

Shit! There they are! Turn around!

I think we're being followed.

We've got them. Speed up!

Don't be paranoid, kid.

They are following us.

Hold on.

You see? I was right.

-Let me drive! -hey!

Call the Argentinian.

No! I fucking said no!

I'll run the light

and we'll lose them.

-No, we won't fit! -You'll see.

Shit! Not that way!

Quick!

Chamorro!

The fat guy who robbed Grandma! Hurry up!

There, we lost them.

We've been taken out of service.

They're headed your way.

Cousin! Look what those jerks did to dad's truck!

We'll sue their asses!

-Oh, yeah! -We'll sue their asses.

Now somebody else is following us!

Don't let them get away.

Let me drive.

I fucking said no! No! I'll kick your ass!

Faster! They're on our tail!

I should have driven, Torrente.

Jesus!

Faster, and get down, like in movies!

What do you mean?

Fuck, that was cool!

Here, kid. Since you wanted to drive.

If you don't come early, there's no space for the umbrella.

"The early bird gets the worm".

Stay calm.

Relax everyone. We're all right.

We're fine.

The umbrella broke the fall.

My God, he's having a stroke!

My Manolo!

What's wrong with this man?

Get the pills, kid. We have first aid.

There you go, that should help.

Which fucking pill did you give me?

-How should I know? I have so many. -You dumbshit!

You should clean the place up. It looks ransacked.

Because it's been ransacked! Someone broke in here.

I always keep everything

-spick and span. -Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Torrente...

What is it?

Franco... is dead.

Just an innocent dog... He can't even go to heaven.

It should have been me.

They try to kill us in the car, they ransack my place, and now this.

Poor Franco.

He was such a good dog.

This means we're on the right track.

Or that we have something those fuckers want.

Torrente.

-It was my fault. -What?

Last night at the Consulate I took something.

But...

That could be the key! Sure! It all makes sense now!

We have to go to that meeting!

-Quick! -Wait for me!

Wait, don't leave me! I want to go, too!

"Golden Gay". Are you sure this is it, kid?

That's what they said. "Golden Gay".

Yeah, sounds like American to me.

Very important people bathe here.

All right, let's go.

Strange place to hold a meeting.

Torrente, I'm gonna look over there. I'll be right back.

Fine, let me know if you see anything strange.

Don't get any ideas. I'm more than you could handle.

Back to your comics.

We got it, kid, we got it.

I don't know exactly what, but it could solve the case.

Torrente!

I have more news for you.

Monolito, what luck.

-We need you urgently. -What's up?

I need you to give me a clinical analysis of this... and this.

Yes, sir.

This is faggot stuff.

Very faggot stuff.

Very big faggot stuff.

It's not the right lead. It's a false lead.

The man you want, the one who has the necklace,

is staying in the Hotel Don Miguel, in room 651.

-You dropped this. -Yes, thanks.

That's me! It looks just like me.

Great, very nice. 651.

-Let's go. -Excuse me.

You mind if I keep this?

Of course not. We owe you one.

Not at all! What are friends for?

Sure, sure.

We'll take Gayolo. I'll charge him for training.

-That Manolito sure knows a lot. -Yeah, he's a good man.

Hey, what's happening?

Look, I sent those guys over, the ones you're looking for.

Yeah, where you said.

Okay? And my payment? Great, thanks.

This feels so good!

That's it. They're on their way over.

We have them. Pass the fucking ball!

You're all alone!

Hotel Don Miguel.

This is your final exam, Gayolo. An international mystery.

-Will there be people with guns? -I hope not.

651. This is it.

-What are you doing? -Knocking.

I'll smack you!

Watch the pro.

Penalty!

The referee's blind!

That's a goal.

Fuck, they have guns!

Don't fucking push!

Get the guns! Quick!

After them!

Out of the way!

We have to get out of here. The balcony!

-We can jump to the pool from here. -No fucking way.

This thing is loose.

-Like Butch and Sundance! -They die in the end.

Come on, just do it.

-It's too far! -Don't be a jinx.

One, two and three!

You see? I was right.

Get back!

Quick! To the other room!

The terrace! hurry!

They're jumping across!

Hi, bye!

Kill him! Shoot!

Goddamnit.

We almost got killed!

We've got them shitting in their pants.

I need a whisky.

And we can see your lady.

My love.

My love and a cocktail.

That's what I need, a drink.

Shit, kid. If not a car, then a motorcycle.

Anything but having to walk everywhere.

You got me used to...

All those things...

Look.

There she is, kid.

My Lord!

She's so beautiful. I can't resist.

-She's not much of a singer. -What do you know about art?

Discreetly, you came to me...

Such a deep... voice.

I'm going over there. Wait for me.

Filling my heart with dismay...

I couldn't imagine...

What love would be like...

In your strange world...

You see that, kid?

She gestured to me. I've got her in my pocket.

She looked at me. She...

Dad.

You won't believe it.

What the fuck?

-They're here. -Who?

Them.

Those two fuckers sure have balls.

That's all for now, baby. I'll finish you later.

Bring them to me.

Fine, don't push!

Don't be stupid, son.

Well, well, well.

Back for more?

Well, I kind of fell for the singer.

We've come

in peace. No ass-kicking necessary.

And I see you've brought it.

This? I always carry it with me. It was a gift.

And is it... authentic?

Authentic?

Eight red and white stripes,

the bear, the tree and the 7 stars. As authentic as it gets.

He's got balls.

I like that. You want something in exchange, right?

No, sir. I wouldn't trade my colors for anything.

He's got balls, but...

I don't think he's right in the head.

Look, let's be reasonable.

There must be something here that you like, right?

That.

That?

The picture for the pin?

Sure. It's a deal. Fine with me.

"Finders keepers,

losers weepers". No regrets.

See you later.

Easy, fellas! Let's be friends!

Mush! Mush!

Perfect.

Call Spinelli and arrange the exchange.

We'll take the two fools with us, just in case.

You know what this frame is worth?

I'll use it for one of my big titty calendars.

Torrente, look.

There's the singer.

She's about to leave. Go talk to her.

-Now? -It's now or never.

Seize the day, like you always say.

Yeah, that's true.

Hold this.

Miss...

I'm the guy from before.

Well, you see...

I was...

Well, you...

Well, I really like you. You're really hot.

And... if you wanna come with me to a party,

or out for drinks... Would you like to go out with me?

Look, listen up.

If it meant my family would get chopped into pieces,

and the end of the human race as we know it,

I still would never go out with you.

Is that a "no"?

Honey.

Is this guy bothering you?

Some jerk.

What's up, fat boy? Got a problem?

How'd it go, Torrente?

She's not as pretty up close.

-Hey! -What's going on?

I hope you don't mind coming along.

I didn't want you to miss the party.

The truth is, I'm not really in the mood.

What's wrong? Are you sad?

No... Women.

Women?

Yeah, women.

They're all...

They're all bitches. Except my mom, of course.

No, son.

No.

Your mom as well.

But...

How did you get this?

Why?

Because...

Because I'm your father.

No, that's impossible.

Yes, my son.

Though that doesn't mean

I'm feeling proud now that I've met

the child.

That means you're... Uncle Mauri.

Yes, son.

Mauricio Torrente. Uncle Mauri.

They said you got lost in Venezuela.

Is that what they said?

Your father was a shithead. Since he was a kid.

A shithead and a pansy.

What people call a real loser.

And a bastard.

Thank God

I was there to give your mother a little pleasure.

And then you came along.

So...

Daddy. Daddy.

Cut the sissy crap, you fag.

What does worry me

is the mess you got into with the chip.

The chip? What chip?

We're here, sir.

We'll clear it up later.

And now... Let the party begin.

You brought what you stole from me?

Excuse me.

I recovered what was stolen from you.

You have my reward?

Yes, of course.

Obviously,

we can't give you the money without assurance

that the chip works and is authentic.

That's logical. one of my sons

and one of my best men

will stay with you as hostages

until you've confirmed the chip's authenticity.

-What's this about, Dad? -Relax.

That's fine with me.

The money.

Pain...

I see lots of pain.

Here, baby.

You're really foxy.

-What's going on? -hey, no pushing!

Do something.

Hey, show a little respect!

Dad!

Good work, boys.

Now let's have a little champagne.

And count the money to make sure it's all here...

Come in, Mayor.

Like I said, we have a mole inside.

A mole?

He's been undercover with the terrorists for 2 months.

We've been after that damn Spinelli for years.

The situation's under control, Captain.

Apparently they recovered the detonator chip.

But our man's about to act. Listen.

Luis Alberto, sorry for leaving you alone for so long.

Well?

The money's not there yet, sir.

But we have 5 minutes.

Maybe...

Luis Alberto...

They're pushing their luck.

They're pushing their luck.

I'd never been on a boat, Torrente. Isn't this cool?

Hey!

Is this going to take long? We've got things to do.

Robertson.

Everything ready?

The chip works?

Still checking, sir.

Look, Torrente!

That's the guy from the FBI!

You're right!

Freeze! Special forces!

Sir, agent 091 has been eliminated.

Won't this endanger the operation, Captain?

We have two helicopters, a special boarding team and an automatic

missile-interception system.

Still, could we evacuate the city in let's say... 5 minutes?

Never!

Nobody has ever laughed at Mauricio Torrente!

Never!

Good,

good.

When this is over I'd like to know who the idiot was

who gave a computer technician job

to an FBI spy.

Sir, the chip's authentic. We're ready.

Perfect.

Is the money in Switzerland?

Arm the missiles.

It's done, sir. The countdown has begun.

Well, in five minutes Marbella will be destroyed.

Oh, well. Inform the bridge.

We're leaving.

Kill those two.

They stink.

Freeze or the monkey gets it!

No, please, sir... Stay calm.

It's one of a kind, he belongs

to a species on the brink of extinction.

I assure you, in good times, I can be very good.

But if something happens

to the monkey, anything at all...

Even if it's the last thing I do in this life,

I'll...

he bit me!

The fucker bit me! I could get syphilis!

Kill him!

My money!

I want my money!

What have you done, you lunatic?

For now, I'm going to sink your ship.

Dad!

How can you sink it with us inside?

Is that man your father?

A missile came loose.

It'll explode on the ship!

Nobody move!

Robertson!

Sorry, kid.

It's your turn.

Look, that's the secret exit to my escape vessel. We can leave together.

I have all the money you could want at my refuge in Estepona.

But, please...

Shoot the man that killed my beloved Luis Alberto.

Pay no attention to him, Dad.

Shoot him?

A son?

My own flesh and blood?

A bastard, maybe.

But with feelings, preoccupations...

I don't mean to rush such a delicate decision,

but this is going to explode.

I can give you 200 million in cash.

200 million?

Sometimes a father must make such difficult decisions.

Well, son...

Fuck you.

Dad!

It's stuck.

Damn thing.

Now, kid! There's no time to lose!

This way, he said

this was the emergency exit.

We can't leave! Our friends and families are in Marbella!

They'll explode!

-What? -Tirillas, Sebas, my brother...

Kid, this place is going to blow!

But there's a missile aimed at Marbella!

Okay, let's do it. I think this is the joystick.

This must be here.

Look, it's moving!

-Aim for the sea, Torrente! -Fuck the sea, kid!

Since we're already here... Gibraltar!

Spanish or nothing!

There. Here we go.

Son...!

We'll go and call for back up.

Son...!

Bye, Dad!

Son of a bitch!

Peddle, Cuco.

If I'd known it was going to work, I'd have aimed at France.

But your dad's back there with the other missile.

Don't worry about him, he's resourceful.

He's probably already on top of things.

He's got that guy with the monkey by the balls.

Holy shit! Unbelievable!

It's tough, kid.

Losing a father.

But I've lost two now, so I'm used to it.

Come on, we've got a long way to go.

It is our honor to decorate this man,

who in risking his life,

saved the city of Marbella. We're proud to return him

to the police force.

He should never have left.

He'll be given a post...

Whatever they want, but far away from Marbella.

...to serve the community once again.

Congratulations, kid.

I knew he'd go far.

Thank you.

I am what I am thanks to all of you. viva Espańa!

Viva!

Fresh fish for sale! Sardines, mackerel! Come and get it!

Please don't do this.

Please...

It's parked fine, there's no sign or anything...

Please don't tow it away.

Lady, it's parked on the yellow line.

Are you nuts?

3 centimeters! You can't do this!

Miss, don't get hysterical.

-We might... -I'll pay the fine.

Just leave it here.

I need it, it's urgent. Please.

Tough luck, sugar.

Cuco, let's go.