All language subtitles for The.Saddest.Music.In.The.World.2003.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

[reel whirring, ♪]

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YOU ARE A VERY
SAD MAN, MR. KENT.

HAH HAH!
NOTHING GETS ME DOWN, SUGAR.

PUT YOUR HANDS ON THE ICE.

NEXT TO MINE.
-JUST A SECOND.

STAND BEHIND ME
FOR MORAL SUPPORT.

MY OTHER POCKET'S LONELY.

LET 'ER RIP.

KEEP MOVING YOUR HANDS
UNTIL YOU FEEL SOMETHING.

OH, SHE'S A WISE OLD WOMAN.

LOOK INTO THE ICE.

I'M LOOKING.

CLOSER.

LOOK INTO YOUR SOUL, MR. KENT.

[slow trumpet solo]

[indistinct opera song]

AS YOUR WISE OLD
FINGERS WILL TELL YOU,

I DIDN'T CRY AT MY MOTHER'S
FUNERAL AND I DON'T CRY NOW.

LOOK TO YOUR OWN
MISERIES, MR. KENT,

OTHERWISE YOU
ARE A DEAD MAN.

NARCISSA DO YOU
HAVE ANOTHER NICKEL?

GIVE HER A TIP.

A DEAD MAN!

DEAD!

SEE HOW MUCH HAPPINESS
YOUR MONEY CAN BUY!

HAH, HAH, HAH!

NOW, WHAT POSSESSED
YOU TO TAKE ME THERE?

WELL, WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU, MY
TAPEWORM SAID "FORTUNE TELLER"

AND THAT SETTLED IT.

I NEVER GO AGAINST MY TAPEWORM.

HAH, I DON'T BELIEVE IN
THIS TAPEWORM OF YOURS.

MOST TAPEWORMS ARE
CHEWERS, NOT TALKERS.

OH YES. HE'S GOT A VERY
STRONG WILL. HE'S IRRESISTIBLE.

I'M COLD.

LET'S TAKE A STREETCAR.

WE CAN'T PAY.

[STREETCAR BELL CLANGS]
IT'S THE TWENTY-THREE.

WE WON'T HAVE TO.

ARE YOU AN AMERICAN?

I'M NOT AN AMERICAN.

I'M A NYMPHOMANIAC.

AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT AMERICAN,
YOU CAN BE WHATEVER YOU LIKE.

WELL, HE'S AN AMERICAN.

YOU'RE MISTAKEN.

HE MAY HAVE THE STINK
OF AMERICA ON HIM,

BUT I ASSURE YOU, HE'S
CANADIAN 100 PER CENT.

YOU LIED TO ME?
-NO.

IT'S LIKE I SAID, I'M A
PRODUCER FROM NEW YORK.

JUST DOWN ON HIS LUCK.

A REAL LIVE YANKEE DOODLE BOY.

THEN YOU'RE NO SON OF MINE.

MUSKEG BEER HALL.

END OF THE LINE.

[♪]

♪ GET UP, GET YOUR BOOTS ON.

♪ HURRY UP, HURRY UP.

♪ TIME'S A-WASTIN'

[♪]

♪ LADY PORT-HUNTLY
BEEEEEER; ♪

♪ IT'S FOR ME AND FOR YOU

♪ IT'S FOR ME AND FOR YOU

THE MUSKEG BEER HOUR
IS STILL GUSHING!

I'M DUNCAN ELLSWORTH, YOUR
CLASSICAL MUSIC HOST.

AND I'VE GOT MAJOR
KEY NEWS FOR YOU.

A CONTEST, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN.

THE MOST EXCITING
IN OUR HISTORY.

WANT TO TRADE YOUR SORROWS
IN FOR SOME SPONDOOLICKS?

HERE TO EXPLAIN HOW, IS
HER SERENITY HERSELF,

LADY PORT-HUNTLY.

THANK YOU, DUNCAN.

LISTEN TO THE
SOUNDS OF WINNIPEG,

THE WHITE BREATHING OF A
NOCTURNAL CITY

IN THIS SAD, SAD WORLD.

WE AT MUSKEG BEER ARE PROUD
THAT WINNIPEG HAS BEEN CHOSEN

FOUR YEARS IN A ROW BY THE
LONDON TIMES AS THE WORLD'S

CAPITAL OF SORROW IN
THE GREAT DEPRESSION.

IN RECOGNITION
OF THIS HONOR,

WE WILL BE HOSTING A
WORLDWIDE CONTEST TO DETERMINE

WHICH NATION'S MUSIC TRULY
DESERVES TO BE CALLED

THE SADDEST IN THE WORLD.

ASPIRING VIRTUOSOS
OF TEARFUL MELODY ARE WELCOME

TO TRAVEL HERE AND LAY CLAIM
TO THE JEWEL-STUDDED

CROWN OF FROZEN TEARS

AND
$25,000 IN PRIZE MONEY.

THAT'S RIGHT- 25,000
DEPRESSION-ERA DOLLARS!

I CAN ALREADY SEE THAT
RETURN TICKET TO MANHATTAN.

C'MON LET'S DRINK FAST.

I GOT BUSINESS TO ATTEND TO.

THE LADY PORT HUNTLY'S
SADDEST MUSIC IN THE
WORLD CONTEST!

AND THEY'RE OFF!

[♪]

[♪]

WHAT DO WE REALLY GET
FOR OUR MONEY?

LISTEN.

WITHIN A FEW MONTHS CONGRESS
WILL END PROHIBITION AND

AMERICA WILL BE SAYING GOODBYE
TO BOOTLEGGERS AND BE RUNNING -

AND I MEAN RUNNING- BACK
TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD'S BAR.

IMAGINE!

A HUNDRED MILLION
DRINKERS WILLING TO PAY
TOP DOLLARS FOR LEGAL BOOZE

EVEN IF THEY CAN'T MAKE THE RENT
OR BUY THEIR CHILDREN SHOES.

WE -- CANADA - THAT HAPPY SUDS
BUDDY TO THE NORTH-

OPEN THE FLOODGATES AND
MAKES A KILLING.

IF YOU'RE SAD AND LIKE
BEER, I'M YOUR LADY.

HEY, MAYBE YOU SHOULD MAKE
YOURSELF SCARCE FOR A WHILE.

BUT WAIT, DON'T DISAPPEAR ON ME.

HOW LONG WILL YOU BE?

IF I'M NOT THROWN OUT,
UNDER HALF AN HOUR.

I'LL JUST CURL UP
HERE AND TAKE A NAP.

WE WILL BE GOING FOR
COUNTRIES WITH THE HIGHEST
RATE OF DEPRESSION

CAUSE THIS IS WHAT THEY
WILL BE BEEN DRINKING MOST.

EXCUSE ME FOR INTERRUPTING.

BUT SOMEBODY CALLING HIMSELF THE
AMERICAN AMBASSADOR OF SADNESS

SAYS THAT YOU WISH
TO SEE HIM IMMEDIATELY.

HE CAN TAKE A
SEAT IN THE WAITING ROOM,
LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

HE REFUSES TO WAIT.

HE SAID IF I DIDN'T
ANNOUNCE HIM INSTANTLY,

YOU'D HAVE ME FIRED.

HOOO, HAH.

AND WHAT DOES THIS
BUFFOON LOOK LIKE?

HMMM. WELL TAILORED.
WEARS SPATS.

CLEAN FINGERNAILS.
CLEAN SHAVEN.

SPATS?

WOULD YOU CALL
HIS HAIR SLIPPERY?

HHHHH.
CHESTER KENT.

OK EVERYBODY.
FIFTEEN MINUTES.

TEDDY, STAY HERE.

LADY P.

HAD A FEW HOURS BETWEEN TRAINS
-- THOUGHT I'D DROP IN.

FOR WHAT PURPOSE?

WELL.

TO SEE HOW YOU'RE GETTING ON.

IT'S A BAD TIME FOR ME.

I'M DEVOURED WITH
GUILT ABOUT THE OBSCENE
AMOUNT OF MONEY I'M MAKING

AT A TIME WHERE SO
MANY PEOPLE HAVE NOTHING.

I'M SURE YOU DO WHAT YOU CAN.

AND I AM HEARTSICK ABOUT
POOR TEDDY OVER HERE,

WHO HAS A WONDERFUL WIFE AND
TWO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN

AND HAS TO MAKE ME "SING
IN THE SEESAW"

WHENEVER I ASKED HIM,

JUST TO KEEP HIS JOB.

DON'T BE EMBARRASSED TEDDY.

IDEALISM AND
BUSINESS RARELY MIX.

MAY I?

BUT I CONSOLE MYSELF WITH
THE THOUGHT, CHESTER,

THAT IF I HADN'T MET YOU I
MIGHT NEVER HAVE DONE ANYTHING

TO BE ASHAMED OF.

WHY BOTHER WITH SHAME AT
ALL, IS MY PHILOSOPHY.

LOOK AT THE PICTURES
ON THE WALL.

LOOK AT THEM!

TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK?

YOU'RE EVERYWHERE.

I'D SAY YOU QUALIFY AS
THE STAR OF YOUR OWN LIFE.

[SLAMS PIANO]

WHEN I HAD A LIFE;
THAT WAS TRUE.

YOU'VE GOT A NEW
DOLLY - IT'S NICE.

TEDDY, HAVE YOU EVER
WONDERED WHERE MY LEGS WENT?

HE'S BEEN A DEAR.
HE HAS NEVER ASKED ONCE.

WELL, LET'S BE FAIR, HELEN.

YOU CAN ONLY HANG ONE OF
THOSE MISSING LEGS ON ME.

WHAT IS IT THAT YOU
WANT FROM ME TODAY?

I WANT A CRACK AT
THAT PRIZE MONEY.

OH, HA HA.

AND HOW DO YOU
INTEND TO DO THAT?

BY SERVING UP THE SADDEST
NUMBER YOU EVER HEARD.

I'VE GOT SCHMALTZ ROUTINES THAT
COULD WRING SOBS FROM A MOOSE.

REALLY? AND YOU WOULD
BE REPRESENTING AMERICA, RIGHT?

YEAH. TEARS HELEN!

FOR ALL THOSE BLUBBERERS
IN THE OLD MELTING POT.

CHESTER I DOUBT THAT THERE IS
ANYONE ON EARTH WHO KNOWS

LESS ABOUT GRIEF THAN YOU DO.

NOTHING MAKES A DENT.

SADNESS IS JUST HAPPINESS
TURNED ON ITS ASS.

IT'S ALL SHOW BIZ.

YOU GOT AN ORCHESTRA HANDY,
I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU.

ACTUALLY, I DO.
-GREAT. HAUL 'EM IN HERE.

TEDDY! THE ORCHESTRA.

THEY'RE VERY GENTEEL.

THEY PLAY BLINDFOLDED.

A NOVELTY ACT, HUH?

WHAT'S THE KICKER?

WHEN TEDDY AND I "SING ON
THE SEESAW," THEY PLAY.

THAT'S A HARD ACT TO FOLLOW.

OH, YOUR AUDITION
WILL BE MUCH SIMPLER.

I WANT YOU TO TELL
ABOUT MY "ACCIDENT",

IF YOU CAN STILL REMEMBER IT.

TEDDY.

NO TEDDY. YOU'VE BEEN
SPARED TODAY. GO BACK.

START THE MUSIC.

PLAY NOT TOO FAST,
AND WITH FEELING.

[♪]

SO WHERE DO I START?

WHY DON'T YOU START WITH YOUR
FATHER AND END WITH HIM.

FULL CIRCLE.

WELL.

HE WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU,
BUT THERE WAS A PROBLEM.

YOU LOVED ME.

YES, AND YOU NEVER LOVED ME.

YES, I SEE IT.

SO LONG AGO.

FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY.

WELL, I WAS FLATTERED.

A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
PAYING ATTENTION TO ME.

HE SUSPECTED ME.

HE HAD GOOD REASON TO.

RIGHT UNDER HIS NOSE.

EVERY CHANCE WE GOT.

WE DROVE HIM TO DRINK.

HE WANTED TO MARRY YOU.

HE THOUGHT HIMSELF A CUCKOLD.

BY YOU.

OH YES, I SEE IT.

♪ SO LONG AGO.

♪ IT FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY.

HE STARTED WEARING
HIS OLD UNIFORM.

CANADIAN LIEUTENANT.

THE GREAT WAR.

MARCHING UP AND DOWN THE
STAIRS, LATE INTO THE NIGHT,
WITH HIS RIFLE.

DRUNK.
-YOUR BROTHER, RODERICK,
TRYING TO HEAL HIM WITH MUSIC.

THE DAY OF THE CAR TRIP.

THE ICE STORM.

THE EMPTY ROAD.

EXCEPT FOR HIM. TRYING
TO STOP THE CAR.

YEAH HIS WAS HAND OUT.

AND THERE WAS YOUR HEAD.

LIFTING UP, BLOCKING MY VIEW.

[SOUND OF SCREECHING TIRES]

OH, YES. I SEE IT.
-YEAH, I SEE IT.

[TOGETHER]
SO LONG AGO.
FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY.

AH, JESUS DAD!
WHAT DO WE DO?

GET MY BAG.

HER LEG'S STUCK.
WE'VE GOT TO GET IT LOOSE!

NAH YOU'LL TEAR IT
COMPLETELY OFF, YOU IDIOT.

DO AS I SAY.

I'M THE DOCTOR HERE.

YOU'RE DRUNK.

MY BAG!

I'M GOING TO SAVE
THE WOMAN I LOVE.

DO YOU HEAR ME?
THE WOMAN I LOVE!

WE'RE GOING TO GET MARRIED!

PLEASE, AH, AHHH,
PLEASE DO SOMETHING.

HELP ME.

MMMM, HMMMM.

NOW, WE'VE GOT TO
OCCUPATE, UM, AMPUTATE.

DAD, YOU'D BETTER LET ME HELP.
-OUT OF MY WAY.

YOU MAKE ME SICK.

THERE LOVE.

NOW THERE'S A PUZZLE.

STEADY, WOOOO, STEADY,
STEADY, STEADY.

AHHHH.

AHHH, AHHH, AHHH, AHHH!

THERE.

AHHH.

HEY! YOU'RE CUTTING
THE WRONG LEG!

THERE, THERE.

DAD! YOU'RE THROUGH
THE BONE ALREADY!

THAT'S HER GOOD LEG!

NOW LOOK AT WHAT YOU
MADE ME DO!

STOP!

HAH!

HAH. AHHH.

NAH, HEEE, HOOO.

YOU, YOU, YOU.

OH MY, OH MY. AHHHH!

[SLAP]

HELLO, HELEN.

I'M HERE TO REPRESENT CANADA.

IF YOU'LL LET ME.

TAKE YOUR BLINDFOLDS
OFF, GENTLEMEN.

PAY ATTENTION.
THIS IS CANADA SPEAKING.

PLAY RED MAPLE LEAVES.

ON THE DOUBLE.

DON'T TELL ME YOU LIVE
HERE AND YOU DON'T KNOW IT.

♪ JUST A RED MAPLE LEAF.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

ABOUT YOUR LEGS?

MMM.

PRETTY TOUGH BREAK.

DOESN'T IT MAKE YOU SAD?

WELL, LIFE'S FULL
OF SURPRISES, HELEN.

TAKE AWAY THOSE SURPRISES,
AND LIFE'S A PRETTY DULL
PROPOSITION.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, POP?

WHY ARE YOU HERE?

SAME AS YOU.
ONE LAST CRACK AT THE JACKPOT.

I WILL LOVE THIS WOMAN
UNTIL MY DYING DAY.

LET ME SHOUT IT TO THE ROOFTOPS.

I EVEN BROUGHT HER SOMETHING.

STOP IT!
NO BRIBES!

ALL RIGHT!

HERE'S AN ANGLE FOR YOU, HELEN.

AMERICA VERSUS CANADA.

A BRASH SON COMES HOME
TO DUKE IT OUT MUSICALLY
WITH HIS WAR-VET POP.

THE OLD MAN'S DROWNING
IN HIS SORROWS,

THE SON WANTS NO PART OF THIS.

BUT IN ORDER TO
WIN THE DOUGH THAT YANK'S GOT TO
FIND HIS TEAR DUCTS IN A HURRY.

YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING THERE.

OKAY, AMERICA. YOU'RE ON.

AND NOW WE SEE
GAVRILO THE GREAT,

ONE OF THE GREATEST
CELLISTS IN EUROPE.

NO ONE HAS EVER SEEN
HIS FACE UNCOVERED

FOR HE WEARS UPON IT
AT ALL TIMES

EVEN DURING
PUBLIC PERFORMANCES,

A VEIL AS BLACK AS NIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT, MARY.

THEY SAY HE WEARS IT TO EXPRESS
THE NATIONAL SADNESS OF SERBIA

WHOSE FAMED ASSASSIN,
GAVRILO PRINCIP,

FIRED THE FIRST FATEFUL SHOTS
OF THE GREAT WAR--

THE WAR TO END ALL WARS.

NINE MILLION KILLED, DUNCAN.

THAT SHOULD MAKE A
MAN VERY SAD INDEED!

MMM, RODERICK?

RODERICK.

FATHER.

UMMM, OOOH!

C'MERE, GIVE YOUR FATHER A HUG.
[LAUGH]

OOOH, AHHH, AHHHH

I'M SORRY IT'S JUST MY
S-SKIN IS VERY SENSITIVE.

OH.

YOU LOOK WELL, FATHER.

OH, MY HEALTH IS
GONE-- BUT I'M SOBER,

AND I PAY MY BILLS, AND I KEEP
MY PANTS PRESSED HA HA!

WHERE'S CHESTER?

HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

AHH I COULDN'T STAND ONE MORE
SECOND WITH HIM TEN YEARS AGO--

WHY WOULD HE STOMACH ME NOW?

RODERICK!

I'D FORGOTTEN HOW BRIGHT
THE LIGHT IS HERE.

DON'T MIND THESE GLASSES.

HOW CAN YOU SEE THOUGH THOSE?

IT'S LIKE I'M PAINTING THINGS
JUST BY LOOKING AT THEM.

BUT WHERE'S CHESTER?

HE MUST BE AT THE MUSIC HALL.

THE OPENING PAGEANT
IS SET FOR TONIGHT.

LET'S MARCH, MY BOY!

FATHER?

DID CHESTER EVER ADMIT TO
STEALING MY MUSIC BOX?

THAT WAS TEN YEARS AGO, SON!

CAN'T YOU EVER FORGET ANYTHING?

[♪]

[♪♪♪]

AHHH UGH!
THERE WE ARE.

HERE WE ARE.
[LAUGH]

OH THERE!

AH! HOME.

[SOUND OF LOVEMAKING]

GOOD LORD WHAT'S THAT?

UHHHH...

EH, CLOSE YOUR EARS.
EXCUSE ME.

[YELLING]
CHESTER!

YOUR BROTHER'S HERE-- COULD YOU
SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR--

GUEST AND COME DOWN?

QUICKLY?

HAVE HER GO OUT BY THE BACK WAY!

CAN'T HAVE STRANGERS
AT A HOMECOMING.

YOU DON'T PLAY ANY MORE.

OH YES, BUT ON MY KNEES.
NO MORE DIGNITY.

"NO MORE DIGNITY," HUH?

FAMILY MOTTO.

HOW ARE YOU, RODERICK?

CHESTER! JUST THE WAY I
ALWAYS PICTURE YOU!

THUNDERING DOWN THE STAIRS--
BURSTING INTO A ROOM [SNICKER]

EVEN IN BARE FEET YOU THUNDER.

YOU STILL SOUND LIKE
YOUR MEWLING CELLO.

IN A NOISY HOUSE,
SOMEONE MUST BE SOFT.

THIS ONE PLAYS
THE GRACE NOTES.

EH?

WHICH REMINDS ME-- ALL THESE
YEARS I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU.

[CLEARS THROAT] I WAS
WAITING FOR THIS DAY.

THERE WAS NO NEED FOR
YOU TO DO THIS FATHER.

OHHH I REMEMBER
TAKING IT OUT NIGHTS,

WHEN THE RATS WERE SCURRYING.

CARRYING IT OVER TO THE WINDOW
AND CALLING YOUR NAME THROUGH IT

TO BRING YOU HOME.

ROOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDYYYYYYYY!

HA, HA, HA.
WHAT ELSE'VE YOU GOT
SQUIRRELED AWAY FOR HIM?

I KNITTED YOU A SWEATER.

ACTUALLY I MADE THREE.

ONE FOR Y-- YOU AND ONE FOR YOUR
WIFE AND--

ONE FOR YOUR SON.

MY SKIN IS FAR TOO
EXCITABLE FOR WOOL, I FEAR.

WOULD YOU MIND TERRIBLY
IF WE TURN THAT LIGHT OFF?

YOU'RE STILL A HYPOCHONDRIAC.

TAKE THAT UP WITH MY PHYSICIAN,
DR. LOURDES--

THE BEST DOCTOR IN GERMANY!

HIS OPINION, FOR WHAT
IT'S WORTH, IS THAT I AM
LUCKY TO BE ALIVE!

HAVE YOU HEARD NOTHING
FROM YOUR WIFE?

NOT A SIGN, NOT A
WORD-- NOT A SAUSAGE.

SHE JUST DISAPPEARED
WHEN YOUR SON DIED?

IT WAS GRADUAL.

A SHIP GOING DOWN WITH ALL HER
LIGHTS, AND BARELY A SOUND.

SHE FORGOT ABOUT LOVING ME.

SHE EVEN FORGOT ABOUT OUR SON.

WHAT'S THAT HISSING-- CAN
SOMEBODY TURN IT OFF?

I THINK YOU HEAR A
FAUCET RUNNING UPSTAIRS.

AHHH!

IS YOUR FRIEND STILL HERE?

SHE WENT OUT THE BACK.

WELL SOMEONE'S
LEFT THE FAUCET ON!

NO MORE DEBATE--
JUST DEAL WITH IT!

ALL RIGHT, I'LL DEAL WITH IT.

NOW DON'T HURT RODERICK!

OW.

LADY PORT-HUNTLY'S
SADDEST MUSIC IN THE
WORLD OPENING PAGEANT

HAS BEGUN LEAD BY THE
ZANIS OF AFRICA, RESPLENDENT!

IF I CAN FOCUS MY OPERA GLASSES
FOR A MOMENT HERE-- YYYES!

RESPLENDENT IN THEIR
DELIGHTFUL PAINTS AND SCARVES!

ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!

THIS PAGEANT OF SAD NATIONS,
BOUGHT TO US BY LADY
PORT-HUNTLY'S BEER,

IS SHAPING UP TO BE A
FRIGHTENING CONTEST OF HUMAN
DESPAIR

A CAVALCADE OF MISERY.
THERE'S POLAND, CHINA,

ALBANIAAAA!

SIAM, URUGUAY, MEXICO!

OH.

THAT WAS GOOD FUN NARCISSA.

I MUST TELL YOU MY DREAM.

YEAH WELL, HURRY
COMPETITION'S ABOUT TO START.

A MAN WAS SHOWING ME HOW TO
TAKE THE GUTS OUT OF A GOOSE.

HE STOOD ON THE WINGS AND
PULLED THE BIRD'S LEGS. HARD.

IT'S HOW YOU DO IT.

EVERYTHING CAME
LOOSE IN A WET HEAP EXCEPT
FOR THE BREAST AND THE HEART.

HE PUT THE HEART IN
MY HANDS IT WAS STILL BEATING,

VERY FAINTLY.

HEY MAYBE YOU CAN SING ABOUT
THAT MAKE US SOME PRIZE MONEY.

AT THE VERY LAST MOMENT OF THE
DREAM IT DIDN'T SEEM TO BE THE
BIRD'S HEART I WAS HOLDING.

IT WAS SO SMALL. I DON'T
KNOW WHOSE IT WAS.

THEN I WOKE UP.

WELL IT WAS TINY, AND COVERED
WITH SLIME IT WAS PROBABLY MINE.

HA, HA, HA.

YOU REALLY DON'T
UNDERSTAND ME AT ALL.

UNDERSTAND THIS: IF I DON'T
GET SOME BACKING, FAST,

FOR A PRODUCTION NUMBER --
ONE WITH PLENTY OF
SALT WATER DRESSING,

ONE OF THOSE FOREIGN
ONION PEELERS DOWN THERE IS

GONNA SNATCH MY PRIZE MONEY.

C'MON,

LET'S GET CRACKING.

[CHEERING]

[♪]

NO ONE CAN BEAT THE SIAMESE
WHEN IT COMES TO DIGNITY,
CATS, OR TWINS,

BUT I'M EMBARRASSED TO
SAY THAT BEFORE NOW I'D NEVER

TAKEN SIAMESE SADNESS
ALL THAT SERIOUSLY.

YOU CAN ALMOST HEAR THE TYPHOON
BEARING DOWN ON A DEFENSELESS

SEASIDE VILLAGE THROUGH THIS
TORTURED FLUTE SOLO

THE FATAL DELUGE
IS ANNOUNCED BY BIRDS.

THE PERFORMER HAS TAKEN THE
TROUBLE TO PUT OUT THEIR EYES

SO THEY'LL HAVE A BIT MORE
SOUL TO THEIR WARNING CHIRPS.

HMM IT'S ALL IN
THE DETAILS, MARY!

[♪]

[BUZZER]

[♪]

AND NOW THE MEXICANS
TAKE THEIR FIRST TURN.

[♪]

[BUZZER]

[♪]

[BUZZER]

[♪]

[BUZZER]

[♪]

♪ [SPANISH SINGING]

THE SINGERS ARE GIVING
US A SAD PEEK INTO CHILD BURIAL
CUSTOMS

DOWN MEXICO WAY

THE MEXICAN MAMA IS BEING VERY
FIRM WITH HER DEAD INFANT.

NOW GO AWAY, SHE WAILS.

YOU ARE DEAD.

DON'T SNEAK IN AT
NIGHT TO NURSE MY BREAST.

THAT MILK IS ONLY
FOR THE LIVING.

TO CANADIAN EARS,
THAT MAY SOUND HARSH.

WELL, I GUESS DEAD CHILDREN,
LIKE ANY OTHER KIND,

HAVE GOT TO LEARN.

[♪]

[CHEERING LOUDLY]

SHH!

[CHHERING LOUDLY]

THE MEXICANS NOW TAKE
THEIR VICTORY BATH IN THE
PORT-HUNTLY POND.

FOR THE MEXICANS,
THIS IS A FIRST-TIME FULL
IMMERSION IN BEER [LAUGH]

NO,

THEY DON'T SEEM
VERY EXCITED.

SO FAR, NOBODY'S
DRINKING.

GOD!

WE STILL GOT PROHIBITION,

AND THEY GOT SWIMMING POOLS
FULL OF BEER UP THERE IN CANADA!

WHY AIN'T THEY DRINKIN', ED?

MEXICANS AIN'T USED TO WINNING.

NOT SINCE THE ALAMO.

THEY SMELL A RAT.

IF I GOT THAT LUCKY I'D
DRINK 'TIL I DROWNED.

NOW THAT'S SAD.

YEP.

[♪]

LOOK AT THIS STREET.

WHERE AM I GOING TO FIND A
PATRON OF THE ARTS IN WINNIPEG--

IN THE DEAD OF WINTER,
IN THIS DEPRESSION?

HOW MUCH DO YOU NEED?

I JUST RENTED A WAREHOUSE I GOT
PEOPLE LINED UP TO BUILD SETS,

MAKE COSTUMES--
I GOT MUSICIANS,

ARRANGERS, I GOTTA PUT UP FIRST,
OR THEY'LL SHUT ME DOWN.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD KEEP IT SIMPLE.

AMERICA GOES SIMPLE.

THAT'S A HOT ONE.

NO - IT'S GOTTA BE VULGAR AND
OBVIOUS. FULL OF GIMMICKS!

YOU KNOW, SADNESS BUT
WITH SASS AND PIZZAZZ!

THEY'LL EAT IT UP.

BUT WE GOT TO HIT
'EM LOTS OF DIFFERENT WAYS

'CAUSE IF THE JUDGE SEES THE
SAME THING MORE THAN ONCE

SHE'LL HOLD BACK THOSE SNIFFLES.

PLEASE, SIR? WE'RE HUNGRY--
DO YOU HAVE ANY FOOD YOU
COULD GIVE US?

NO I DON'T.

HACE MUCHO FRIO, HUH?

SI.

SI, MUCHO FRIO.

WELL IF YOU AGREE
TO DROP OUT OF THIS COMPETITION
AND JOIN MY AMERICAN TEAM

I'LL PAY YOUR WAY
BACK HOME WHEN I WIN.

REALLY?

GET TO THE BREWERY.
WAIT FOR ME.

SI. GRACIAS.
OH, GRACIAS, SENOR!

DAMNED SLEEPWALKER.

[KISS SOUND]
GOODNIGHT, MOTHER.

SO YOU, UH, MANAGE TO
KEEP YOURSELF SAD AT ALL
TIMES, DO YA?

IN MY POCKET IS A JAR.

IN THE JAR, PRESERVED IN MY
OWN TEARS, IS MY SON'S HEART.

THIS IS THE PIECE THAT
WOULD WIN THE CONTEST.

THE SONG IS YOU.

WE PLAYED IT FOR MOTHER.
I PLAYED IT FOR MY SON,
AT HIS FUNERAL.

THAT'S MY SADNESS.

ONE DEATH, OR TWO.

I PLAY IT EVERY DAY,
FIRST ON THE CYLINDER,

THEN ON MY CELLO.

THERE IS NOTHING SADDER.

I NEED THIS SONG!

BUT I WILL NEVER
PLAY IT FOR MONEY.

OH, RODERICK.

IN FACT, I WANT NO ONE ELSE
EVER TO HEAR IT

UNTIL I PLAY IT AGAIN FOR
MY WIFE, WHENEVER I FIND HER!

LET'S NOT DWELL
ON THE PAST SO!

AS FOR ME-- I WILL DRAW ON
THE SADNESS OF SERBIA

THE LITTLE COUNTRY THAT
STARTED THE GREAT WAR.

GAVRILO THE GREAT WILL ATONE
FOR THOSE NINE MILLION DEAD

BY SHOVING THEM
DOWN CHESTER'S THROAT!

AND PULLING OUT TWENTY-FIVE
THOUSAND DOLLARS!

THEN PERHAPS I CAN AFFORD TO
LOOK PROPERLY FOR MY WIFE.

RODERICK!?

YOU'RE A CANADIAN,
BORN AND RAISED!

UNTIL I WALKED DOWN THE STREETS
OF BELGRADE FOR THE FIRST TIME

I NEVER FELT AT HOME-- ANYWHERE.

I FINALLY KNEW WHO I WAS--
AND WHERE MY HEART DWELT.

COME, LET ME SHOW YOU
WHERE I HIDE MY HEART.

HEY, HOW DOES YOUR TAPEWORM
FEEL ABOUT BURIALS?

LIKE A BRIDE AT HER WEDDING!

A FESTIVAL OF WORMS!

A GRAND OLD WINNIPEG BANKER
IS BEING PLANTED TODAY.

I'VE GOT A HUNCH HIS WIDOW MIGHT
JUST GO FOR A SAD SONG TRIBUTE

TO HIS
FINANCIAL PROWESS.

LET'S GO, WE NEED A GOOD
SPOT-- NEXT TO THE FAMILY.

I'LL LET YOU IN
ON A LITTLE SECRET

I DON'T BELIEVE THAT ALL THIS
SADNESS REALLY EXISTS.

WHAT A DELIGHTFUL NOTION.

WELL BAD THINGS HAPPEN.

I'M NOT DENYING THAT.
PLENTY OF 'EM.

SOMEHOW, WHEN PEOPLE START
TRYING TO SHOW HOW THEY'VE BEEN

AFFECTED BY THESE BAD THINGS,
THEY START FAKING IT.

THEY KNOW THAT, DEEP DOWN, NO
ONE REALLY CARES

BUT THEY WANT PEOPLE TO
KNOW THEY'RE SUFFERING, DAMN IT.

AND OTHERS WILL GO ALONG
WITH IT, MAKING FACES,

HOPING SOMEONE WILL NOTICE SO
THAT WHEN SOMETHING AWFUL
HAPPENS TO THEM

THEY CAN GET SOME OF
THIS FAKE PITY FOR THEMSELVES.

AND NOW MICHAEL'S
DAUGHTER, AGNES,

WILL QUICKLY SING
HIS FAVORITE SONG.

[SAD WHIMPERING]
♪ SKIP - SKIP,
SKIP TO MY LOU ♪

[WHIMPER]
♪ SKIP TO MY
LOU MY DARLING ♪

[CRYING]

AH! DON'T FALL ON ME!

NO, AH, MRS. BURNE-JONES?

I'M CHESTER KENT, A
PRODUCER OF MUSICAL
SPECTACULARS IN NEW YORK.

I WAS VERY MOVED BY YOUR
DAUGHTER'S PERFORMANCE.

WE ALL WERE.

IT STRUCK ME THAT MORE PEOPLE
SHOULD HAVE A CHANCE TO HEAR HER

AND THE OTHER SAD MUSIC
THAT SOOTHED YOUR HUSBAND.

IF WE COULD-- MOUNT A
MUSICAL TRIBUTE TO HIM
ON INTERNATIONAL RADIO

PEOPLE WOULD BE REMINDED
OF WHAT HE MEANT TO THEM,

AND-- LISTENERS WHO DIDN'T KNOW
ABOUT THIS WONDERFUL BANKER'S
LIFE AND GREAT SPIRIT.

IS THAT FOR THAT
RADIO CONTEST?

NO... BUT WAIT A MINUTE!

MAYBE WE COULDTIE IT
IN WITH THAT THERE'S SUCH
A GREAT AUDIENCE, YOU SEE.

WELL - IF I LET MY
DAUGHTER SING FOR YOU,

SHE WON'T COME CHEAP!

AND YOU'LL HAVE
TO PAY IN ADVANCE.

WELL, I'D BE WILLING TO GO AS
HIGH AS A DOLLAR SEVENTY-FIVE.

AH, SHE'S WORTH MORE THAN THAT.

LOOK NOBODY KNOWS I'M BROKE!

GIVE A POOR MUSICIAN JUST A
WHIFF OF AMERICAN DOUGH,

AND HE'LL BEND RIGHT
OVER FOR UNCLE SAM!

HEY!

CARE TO DANCE?

POOR YIDDISH, NO COUNTRY
OF YOUR OWN, HUH?

COME ON OVER, AND PUT A
LITTLE 'SPRITZ' IN AMERICA.

UNTIL YOUR EYES GET USED TO
IT WE'LL KEEP THE LIGHT SOFT.

LEGS!

HOW PLIABLE AND DELICATE
AND STURDY THEY ARE.

WHAT DANGEROUS MOODS.
WHAT SUBTLE SHIFTS IN EXPRESSION

THE LEG THAT TEASES,
THE LEG THAT FEELS GUILTY,

THE LEG THAT BLUSHES,
AND WANTS TO APOLOGIZE,

THE LEG THAT STAMMERS
OUT ITS LOVE, AND THE
LEG THAT REPUDIATES IT.

HEEWWW!

SINCE THE ACCIDENT WHEN I GAVE
UP MY DOCTOR'S LICENSE

NOT A DAY HAS PASSED WITHOUT MY
THINKING HOW I WOULD MAKE
THINGS BETTER FOR HELEN.

YOU DO EVIDENTLY-- LOVE HER.

HOW COULD YOU THINK OTHERWISE?

UGHHH!

SHE MUST HAVE
ARTIFICIAL LEGS BY NOW.

BUT SHE DOESN'T.

WOOD AND LEATHER DON'T AGREE
WITH HER,

THEY GIVE HER PURPLE RASHES,
AND BIG UNSIGHTLY WELTS.

NONE OF THE ORDINARY PROSTHETIC
MATERIALS WILL DO.

THEN, SITTING AMONG ALL THE
BOTTLES THAT I'D EMPTIED,

IT FINALLY CAME TO ME!

GLASS!

GLASS?

YES-- IT'S THE PERFECT
SOLUTION - HELEN LOVES GLASS!

SHE SURROUNDS HERSELF WITH IT.

HER HOUSE IS FILLED WITH--
GLASS ORNAMENTS, CREATURES
LARGE AND SMALL--

SHE COLLECTS GLASS
DOLLS-- HUNDREDS OF DOLLS,

IN A STAINED
GLASS ROOM,

WAITING, LIKE SHE IS,
TO WALK.

BEHOLD!

I'VE TRIED TO GIVE THESE TO HER,
CAN NEVER FIND THE RIGHT MOMENT.

MY GOD.

AND THEY WERE MADE
RIGHT HERE IN CANADA!

NOW LADY PORT-HUNTLY
CAN STAND UP AND DANCE

TO THE SADDEST MUSIC
IN THE WORLD.

I'VE EVEN FILLED THEM WITH
PORT-HUNTLY MUSKEG BEER!

WHY DO YOU FROWN?

I WAS THINKING ABOUT MY WIFE.

HAPPIER THOUGHTS-- PLEASE!

I HAVE A PHOTOGRAPH OF HER
[LAUGH] LEAPING ACROSS A GUTTER

HER LEGS-- SUSPENDED IN MID-AIR.

WELL, I'M AFRAID THESE
WON'T PERMIT THAT,

BUT THEY CAN STRETCH
OUT A FAIR WAY!

COULD I SEE THE PICTURE?

NO. IT'S--

UH, SHE'S NOT AT
ALL AS I PICTURED HER.

EXCUSE ME?

I'VE BEEN ADMIRING YOUR EAR FOR
THE PAST FIVE MINUTES.

I FIND IT UTTERLY BEAUTIFUL.

IT IS PERFECTLY SHAPED,
THIS ONE-- THE LEFT ONE!

I WONDER-- I WONDER IF I MIGHT
WHISPER SOMETHING INTO IT?

JUST A LITTLE STORY
YOU MIGHT LIKE.

WOULD YOU MIND?
I WON'T COME TOO CLOSE.

UH, AH, UH I'M DEAF IN THAT EAR!

BUT, UH I CAN HEAR JUST
FINE I-IN THE OTHER ONE.

HMM.

NO, THIS IS THE ONE I WANT YOU
CAN STILL FEEL MY BREATH--

IMAGINE WHAT I AM TELLING YOU.

[SOUND OF APPLAUSE
IN BACKGROUND]

SO WHY'D YOU SEND FOR ME?

SUPPOSE I DECIDED TO BACK YOU?

WELL, THAT WOULD
BE VERY SPORTING.

I HAVE TO WARN YOU -- THERE'LL
BE MANY, MANY BILLS TO PAY.

WE CAN BOTH PAY OUR BILLS.
-YOU WANT ME TO WIN, I SUPPOSE?

UNDO ME.

BEG YOUR PARDON.

YOU HAVE TO START PAYING
YOUR FIRST BILL RIGHT NOW.

I DISLIKE BEER.

FOR MY JUBILEE, I REQUESTED
CHAMPAGNE AND MILK.

THAT'S A PRETTY SMALL TUB.

THERE'D BE ROOM ENOUGH.

SUPPOSE I REFUSE?

OH, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.

HAH! DO I GET
INSTRUCTIONS?

HEY IT'S VERY SIMPLE-- YOU
UNDRESS ME, YOU BATHE ME,

YOU PUT ME TO BED.

I LIKE TO BE ASKED-- NOT TOLD.

OH, WHO CARES WHAT YOU LIKE!
-YOU DO!

ALL THIS BULLY BOY STUFF!
JUST SAY YOU WANT ME.

IT'S EASY TO WANT YOU, HELEN--
YOU'RE STILL BEAUTIFUL.

JUST SAY IT,
[KISS SOUND]

AND THEN LET'S GO SOMEWHERE
WHERE WE CAN GET SERIOUS.

JUST UNDRESS ME.

NO SALE!

ONE OF YOU BOYS TAKE OFF YOUR
BLINDFOLD, AND FISH HER OUT
WHEN SHE'S DONE.

WELL THAT
WAS THE LAST OF MY PRIDE.

DOES YOUR OFFER STILL STAND?

AHH A LITTLE BIT OF
BACKBONE

IS SEXY IN A MAN.

BE UNDRESSED BY THE
TIME I COUNT TO FIVE.

ONE TWO THREE FOUR

[BUZZER]

[APPLAUSE]

REPRESENTING CANADA IS
OUR FIRST PERFORMER THIS
EVENING-- FYODOR KENT.

HE IS WEARING WHAT APPEARS
TO BE HIS OWN UNIFORM FROM
THE GREAT WAR.

AND HE STANDS ON THE STAGE WITH
AN UPTURNED PIANO,

HIS TOUCHING TRIBUTE TO
THE CANADIANS WHO FELL ON
THE EUROPEAN BATTLEFIELDS.

A CANADIAN TROOP SITE
AT VIMY,

THE BIRD NOTES
OF REVEILLE AT DAWN.

LET US FOLLOW THE LEAVES OF RED

AS THEY SWIRL ACROSS THE FIELDS
OF FRANCE AND THE RAGING OCEAN.

COME HOME, MY BOYS, COME HOME.

♪ JUST THE RED MAPLE LEAVES

♪ AND WHEN THEY COME
AGAIN, YOU'LL FIND ME ♪

♪ WHERE I LEFT MY
HEART BEHIND ME ♪

♪ NEATH THE RED
MAPLE LEAVES ♪

♪ MAPLE LEAVES

[BUZZER]

[DRUMS]

[LINE IN AFRICAN DIALECT]

NOW THE ZANI PERFORMERS FROM
THE CAMEROONS ARE SHOWING US

HOW VILLAGERS THERE CONDUCT
A PROPER PYGMY FUNERAL.

FROM THESE WILDLY
BEATEN JUNGLE SKINS,

WE ARE HEARING THE TRUE SOUNDS
OF BEREAVEMENT

WHILE FRIENDS AND FAMILY
OF THE DECEASED PUNISH
THEMSELVES WITH SHARP STONES

OPENING WOUNDS ACROSS
KNEECAP AND FOREHEAD--

WOUNDS THAT WEEP
TEARS OF BLOOD.

♪ [SINGING IN AFRICAN DIALECT]
♪ [DRUMS]

[BUZZER]

♪ WE GATHERED LEAVES
TO PRESS THEM,
AS LOVERS SOMETIMES DO ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONE,
BUT I CARESS THEM,
THEY'RE ALL I HAVE OF YOU ♪

♪ ALL I HAVE--
[2 BUZZERS]

♪ [DRUMS AND SINGING]
ALL I HAVE OF YOU!
ALL I HAVE OF YOU! ♪

♪ [DRUMS AND SINGING]
ALL I HAVE OF YOU!
ALL I HAVE OF YOU! ♪

♪ [DRUMS AND SINGING]
ALL I HAVE OF YOU!
ALL I HAVE OF YOU! ♪

♪ ALL I HAVE OF YOU!

[BREAKS DOWN]
[DRUMS CONTINUE]

[LOUD CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

THIS HAS BEEN A
REAL EYE-OPENER FOR THE

TRADITIONALLY
RESERVED CANADIAN AUDIENCE
GATHERED HERE THIS EVENING.

THE CROWD IS ON ITS FEET--
SWEPT UP IN THE ZANI FRENZY.

[LOUD CHEERING]

THE AFRICANS HAVE
ELIMINATED CANADA IN
THEIR FIRST CHALLENGE.

THE BEER BATH
MAKES IT OFFICIAL.

FYODOR KENT MUST REALIZE
THAT IN A WORLD COMPETITION

ORDINARY TEARS AREN'T
GOING TO BE ENOUGH.

YES, MARY--
A GREAT DISAPPOINTMENT
FOR CANADA AND FYODOR KENT.

BUT THE ZANIS REALLY SEEM TO
BE ENJOYING THEIR VICTORY

NOW THEY'RE WHIPPING
THE HEAD ON THE BREW INTO
A HAPPY PORT-HUNTLY MOUNTAIN.

[CLAPPING]
GREAT WORK, DAD!

YOU'VE NEVER SUNG IT BETTER!

'COURSE THOSE TRIBESMEN PUT
ON QUITE A SHOW, DON'T THEY?

WE COULD LEARN
SOMETHING FROM THEM.

YOU HAVEN'T BROUGHT YOUR
- 'KEPT WOMAN' WITH YA, I HOPE?

WHICH ONE DO YOU MEAN?

THE GIRL ON MY STREETCAR--THE
SAME ONE I SUPPOSE WHO WAS

MAKING LIKE A HURRICANE UPSTAIRS
WHEN YOUR BROTHER CAME HOME!

NARCISSA?

YEAH, SHE'S HERE ALL RIGHT--
SHE BETTER BE--

MY WHOLE NUMBER
DEPENDS ON HER.

WHY? WHAT'S WRONG?

WHERE DOES SHE COME FROM?
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HER?

I MET HER AT THE FAIRGROUND!

SHE SAYS SHE'S FROM SERBIA
SHE MAKES STUFF UP THOUGH.

HAS SHE MENTIONED RODERICK?

NO, SHE'S NEVER MET HIM.

CANCEL YOUR NUMBER.

GET HER OUT OF HERE--
WHETHER I'M RIGHT OR WRONG,

IT'S NOT WORTH THE RISK.

WHERE I COME FROM, POP
WINNING IS WORTH EVERY RISK!

YOU'LL KILL ME, JUDAS,
AND YOUR BROTHER TOO--

SHE'S RODERICK'S WIFE!

THAT'S A GREAT YARN!

I'M NOT BUYING IT THOUGH.

AND EVEN IF IT WAS
TRUE, THAT'S SHOWBIZ!

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE MY SON.

HEY, I DIDN'T SEE YOU
CANCELING YOUR NUMBER.

IN THE NEXT ROUND WE HAVE
AMERICAN SADNESS SQUARING
OFF AGAINST THAT OF SPAIN.

BROADWAY PRODUCER CHESTER KENT
HAS SELECTED JUST THE RIGHT
VINTAGE OF AMERICAN SADNESS,

FROM THE COTTON FIELDS OF
THE DEEP SOUTH.

LET'S, AH.

AH LET'S GET AWAY FROM
ALL THIS HULLABALOO.

YOU NEED YOUR QUIET.

OH, NO.

I WANT TO SEE WHAT THIS BROADWAY
JACKANAPES KNOWS

ABOUT SADNESS.

SPAIN, RIGHT?

TELL YOU WHAT, IF YOU WANT TO
DROP OUT OF THIS COMPETITION
AND JOIN AMERICA

I'LL PAY YOUR
WAY BACK HOME WHEN I WIN.

THINK ABOUT IT.

[BUZZER]

[♪]

THE ALWAYS IMPETUOUS SPANISH
OFFER US A JAIL SIDE VIEW OF
THE WAGES OF SIN.

ESMERELDA AWAITS EXECUTION
HER PRISON CELL ECHOES WITH
HER SAVAGE LAMENT.

♪ [SPANISH]

[BUZZER]

[CHEERING]

[♪]

♪ SWING LOW

♪ SWEET CHARIOT

♪ COMING FORTH
TO CARRY ME HOME ♪

♪ SWING LOW

♪ SWEET CHARIOT

♪ COMING FORTH
TO CARRY ME HOME ♪

[BUZZER]

♪ [SPANISH]

[BUZZER]

[♪]

MY EYES!

CLOSE YOUR EYES.
NO, NO! CLOSE
YOUR EY-EYES!

TAKE A
FEW DEEP BREATHS

OH, WHOA, WHOA, WHOAAHHH

TOO MANY TEACAKES FOR
DINNERRRR

MY EARS!

SHE'S GOT HER TEETH IN THEM!

♪ COMING FORTH
TO CARRY ME HOME. ♪

THE RAINDROPS
BURN ME!

YOU HEAR THEIR HISS? !

LET'S LEAVE.

HUH!

CAN'T YOU SMELL HER?
IT'S ROSES!

MY NOSTRILS ARE CHOKING!

TOO MANY THORNS!
I BLEED.

UP! UP!

SHE WON'T STAY DOWN!

NARCISSA!

AHHHH!

[BUZZER]

I'M GOING MAD.

[♪]

[APPLAUSE]

AMERICA JUST SWALLOWED
UP SPAIN IN THAT MATCH.

THE LOCAL CROWD IS CLEARLY
CARRIED AWAY BY BOTH

THE PERFORMER AND
THE PYROTECHNICS!

AS FAR AS THEY'RE CONCERNED,
SADNESS ISN'T HURT ONE BIT

BY A LITTLE 'RAZZLE-DAZZLE'
SHOWMANSHIP!

[APPLAUSE]

[CHEERING]
YEAH YEAH YEAH!

RODERICK, RODERICK,

RODERICK.

WHO GOES THERE?

GAVRILO THE GREAT, I'M HERE
TO PLAY FOR THE FUNERAL.

YOU MAY ENTER.

WHO GOES THERE?

RODERICK KUKOC, SON OF FYODOR.
I'M LOOKING FOR MY INSTRUMENT.

GO ON IN.

WHY ARE YOU SO LATE?

I CAME AS QUICK AS I COULD. I
GOT THROUGH ALL THE DOORS.

BUT YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO
COME THROUGH ANY OF THEM.

YOU TOLD THEM WHAT THEY
WANTED TO KNOW, NOW HE'S DEAD,

AND I HAVE TO CLOSE ALL
THE DOORS BETWEEN US

AND LOCK THEM WITH THIS KEY.

OUR SON IS DEAD?

THE DOORS WERE
FOR HIM-- NOT FOR YOU.

YOU TOOK THEM ALL AWAY
FROM HIM-- AND SO HE DIED.

PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME HERE
WHO WILL PLAY AT THE FUNERAL?

YOU CAN PLAY-- FROM IN HERE.

BUT NOT TOO SOFT
OR HE WON'T HEAR.

AHH!

SON?

I BEG YOU NOT TO GO ON

I MUST PLAY.

PLEASE! PLEASE DON'T!

THEY'LL BE LISTENING.

[BUZZER]

[CHEERING]

[BOOING]

A TARDY GAVRILO THE GREAT
FINALLY APPEARS ON THE STAGE,

TO FACE AN IMPATIENT CROWD.

WE'VE HEARD MUCH TALK ABOUT HIS
PLAINTIVE CELLO-HORN

WHICH HAS DRAWN ENOUGH MOISTURE
FROM HARDENED OLD WORLD EYES
TO FILL THE ENGLISH CHANNEL!

I'M SORRY TO HAVE KEPT
YOU WAITING.

[CHEERING FOR SCOTLAND]

I'M SORRY BUT MY
EARS ARE QUITE SENSITIVE!

SOME OF YOU IN THE FIRST FEW
ROWS ARE SWALLOWING TOO LOUDLY.

AND YOU, SIR, COULD YOU
PLEASE REFRAIN FROM BREATHING
THROUGH YOUR NOSE LIKE THAT?

AND THERE'S A WOMAN IN A STRAW
HAT WHOSE STOMACH IS GROWLING.

NOW WHAT IS THAT STINK?

IS THIS A HOG BARN
OR A CONCERT HALL?!

[SCOTISH DRUMS]

[BUZZER]

♪ [CELLO MUSIC]

[BUZZER]

♪ [BAGPIPES AND DRUMS]

[BUZZER]

♪ [CELLO MUSIC]

[APPLAUSE]

STILL NO WORD ON THE
CONDITION OF GAVRILO THE GREAT.

WE DON'T KNOW IF
HE'S IN A COMA,

OR JUST VERY VERY SAD.

WE'LL TRY TO FIND
OUT AS SOON AS WE CAN.

NOW A WORD FROM
PORT-HUNTLY BEER!

♪ GET UP GET YOUR BOOTS ON
HURRY UP, HURRY UP! ♪

♪ TIME'S A WASTIN'
IF YOU'RE NOT TASTIN'
LADY PORT-HUNTLY'S BEER. ♪

[♪]

STAY, AWAY FROM HIM!
HAVEN'T YOU DONE ENOUGH?

NARCISSA, HAVE YOU EVER
SEEN MY BROTHER BEFORE?

HE LOOKS VAGUELY
FAMILIAR.

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN MARRIED TO
THIS GENTLEMAN, HAVE YOU?

OR HAD A CHILD WITH HIM?

THAT WOULDN'T HAVE SLIPPED
YOUR MIND, I TRUST.

I WOULD HATE TO BE SO
CARELESS WITH LOVED ONES

BUT HE COULD BE ANYONE.

WELL SHE'S SCATTERBRAINED--
I'LL ADMIT

SHE'S NOT LYING.

DID YOU SEE HIM WHILE SHE WAS ON
THAT SWING-- LOOK AT HIM NOW!

MAYBE IF I SPOKE TO HIM.

I WANT YOU BOTH TO LEAVE IF
HE WAKES UP AND SEES YOU,

HE'LL NEVER PLAY AGAIN!

SHEE-HAH!

YOU HEARD THE MAN,
NARCISSA.

HUH-HAH!

I KNOW YOU'RE NOT THE
JEALOUS TYPE.

BUT MY TAPEWORM SAYS I
SHOULD SPEND AT LEAST ONE
NIGHT WITH YOUR BROTHER.

I THINK THE FACT
THAT, HE'S MY BROTHER,

MIGHT BE GOOD REASON NOT TO.

WELL, IT'S NOT UP TO ME.

I'M ASKING YOU NOT TO.

HAH, IT'S EMBARRASSING
BUT I'M ASKING YOU NOT TO.

DON'T WORRY.

WHAT HAPPENED
TO ME OUT THERE?

YOUR SENSES DIDN'T HAVE
TIME TO COOL DOWN.

THERE WILL BE OTHER CHANCES.

I WAS HYPNOTIZED BY
THAT SWING, THAT GIRL!
-- WHO WAS SHE?

A NORTH END STRIPPER. ONE OF
CHESTER'S SHOWGIRLS.

ALL THAT BROADWAY
SISS-BOOM-BAH!

DON'T YOU THINK THE MUSIC SHOULD
SPEAK FOR ITSELF, RODERICK?

I HEARD AND SAW NARCISSA--
SHE SENT SHIVERS THROUGH ME.

NEXT TIME, YOU MUST KEEP YOUR
HEAD CLEAR OF DISTRACTIONS
BEFORE YOU PERFORM.

IF I EVER PERFORM AGAIN! THE
JUDGE MUST BE FURIOUS WITH ME.

DON'T FRET, MY SON. TONIGHT
WE'LL MAKE HER SO HAPPY.

SHE'LL FORGIVE EVERYTHING
THAT'S EVER HAPPENED.

SHOULDN'T WE WAIT
FOR A LUCKIER TIME?

HHH-OHHH!

MAKE SURE YOU TELL
HER THEY'RE FROM ME.

OOOH

OH, TEDDY,
LET'S NOT ARGUE.

MMM-HMMM

THE "TREATY OF
VERSAILLES" NUMBER.

IT'S A STINK ISN'T IT?

[LAUGH]
A-OOOH!

I WOULDN'T LET THOSE GERMAN
CLEAN MY KITCHEN FLOOR!

EXCUSE ME!
LADY PORT-HUNTLY?

MAY I SPEAK TO YOU
PRIVATELY FOR A MINUTE?

UH, THE GREAT GAVRILO-- YOU WANT
ANOTHER SHOT AT THE ARCHDUKE?

PLEASE!

I AM MOST HUMBLED
IN YOUR PRESENCE--

I'M HERE TO ARRANGE
AN INTRODUCTION.

[ANNOYED SIGH]
IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED,

I AM JUDGING A
CONTEST RIGHT NOW.

YOU MUST BELIEVE, THIS
INTRODUCTION WILL MATTER MORE.

HEY NO TRICKS. YOU MUST WIN
YOUR MONEY DOWN THERE, LIKE
EVERYONE ELSE, ON THE STAGE.

I AM ONLY HERE AS AN
AMBASSADOR OF HAPPINESS!

HUH.

YOU HAVEN'T HAD
A MOMENT'S PEACE,

SINCE YOU AND THESE
FRIENDS PARTED COMPANY.

YOU ARE AS PRESUMPTUOUS AS
YOU ARE RUDE-- JUST-- LEAVE!

IF I AM WRONG,
JUST SAY THE WORD.
-YOU ARE WRONG!

IF I AM WRONG TOGETHER, WE
CAN THROW THESE 'FRIENDS'
FROM THE BALCONY.

YOU GO WITH THEM!

[APPLAUSE IN BACKGROUND]

TEDDY?

GO LIFT A THUMB-- POLAND
JUST BEAT GERMANY!

LET'S SEE BEFORE WE
MAKE THE FINAL TOSS.

A MOMENT.

FROM FATHER.

[♪]

♪ I HEAR MUSIC
WHEN I LOOK AT YOU, ♪

♪ MMM, MMM, MMM

♪ OF EVERY DREAM I EVER KNEW

♪ DOWN DEEP IN MY HEART,

♪ I HEAR IT PLAY,

♪ I FEEL IT START,

♪ THEN MELT AWAY

♪ I HEAR MUSIC
WHEN I LOOK AT YOU, ♪

♪ A BEAUTIFUL THEME OF EVERY
DREAM I EVER KNEW ♪

♪ DOWN DEEP IN MY HEART

♪ I HEAR IT SAY,
IS THIS THE DAY? ♪

♪ I ALONE HAVE HEARD
THIS LOVELY STRAIN, ♪

♪ I ALONE HAVE HEARD
THIS GLAD REFRAIN. ♪

♪ MUST IT BE FOREVER
INSIDE OF ME? ♪

♪ WHY CAN'T I LET IT GO?

♪ WHY CAN'T I LET YOU KNOW?

♪ WHY CAN'T I LET YOU KNOW THE
SONG MY HEART WOULD SING? ♪

♪ A BEAUTIFUL RHAPSODY OF
LOVE AND YOUTH AND SPRING? ♪

♪ THE MUSIC IS SWEET, THE WORDS
ARE TRUE, THE SONG IS YOU. ♪

♪ I HEAR MUSIC WHEN
I LOOK AT YOU, ♪

♪ A BEAUTIFUL THEME OF
EVERY DREAM I EVER KNEW, ♪

♪ DOWN DEEP IN MY HEART, I HEAR
IT PLAY, I FEEL IT START, ♪

♪ THEN MELT AWAY.

♪ I HEAR MUSIC WHEN
I TOUCH YOUR HAND. ♪

♪ A BEAUTIFUL MELODY FROM
SOME ENCHANTED LAND. ♪

♪ DOWN DEEP IN MY HEART, I HEAR
IT SAY, IS THIS THE DAY? ♪

♪ I ALONE HAVE HEARD
THIS LOVELY STRAIN, ♪

♪ I ALONE HAVE HEARD
THIS GLAD REFRAIN, ♪

♪ MUST IT BE FOREVER
INSIDE OF ME? ♪

♪ WHY CAN'T I LET IT GO?

♪ WHY CAN'T I LET YOU KNOW?

♪ WHY CAN'T I LET YOU KNOW THE
SONG MY HEART WOULD SING? ♪

♪ THAT BEAUTIFUL RHAPSODY OF
LOVE AND YOUTH AND SPRING! ♪

♪ THE MUSIC IS SWEET, THE WORDS
ARE TRUE, THE SONG IS YOU. ♪

♪ THE SONG IS YOU!

NARCISSA!

MMM!

AH OW!

AHH!

IF YOU LIKE, I COULD
SING SOMETHING ELSE.

YOU HAVE TURNED OUR MOST
PRIVATE GRIEF INTO...

A CARNIVAL PEEP SHOW
WITH MY BROTHER-- THE
PIMP-- SELLING TICKETS!

WHY NOT FIND YOURSELF
A DANCE PARTNER?

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THE
TUNE, LONG HAIR-- IT'S CATCHY!

OOHH!

OOHH!

AHHH!

DIE!

OWW!

AH GIVE ME MORE
O' THAT FIZZ--

YOU'VE BEEN AWAY LONG ENOUGH.

[♪]

CARE TO DANCE?

WELL, LOOK AT YOU!

CINDERELLA IN SPADES!

I AM TOLD, I AM UN-BREAKABLE!

I JUST KICKED A BALL!

AND RIGHT THEN I
THOUGHT TONIGHT,

I'M GOING TO GO TO ONE!
I'M GOING TO BRING MY ORCHESTRA!

IT'S NOT A MASKED BALL--
ALL BLINDFOLDS OFF!

COME!

[♪]

IF YOU WANT ME TO BE YOUR WIFE
I'M HAPPY TO SAY I'M YOUR WIFE.

IF YOU WANT US TO
HAVE A DEAD SON,

I HAVE NO OBJECTION
TO HAVING ONE.

BUT REALLY, IF HE'S DEAD I DON'T
SEE WHAT DIFFERENCE IT MAKES.

HUH!

HA, HA, HA.

YOU KNOW?

I HARDLY RECOGNIZE YOU.

OH!

I FEEL ALL THOSE LOST,
WONDERFUL YEARS

COME RUNNING BACK TO ME.

I KNOW THEY'RE NOT,
BUT THIS IS HOW I FEEL!

IT'S YOUR HAPPINESS
I DON'T RECOGNIZE.

WHERE'S ALL THAT CRUELTY, HELEN?

YOU HAD THE MARKET CORNERED.

LET'S COMPARE LEGS!
COME ON!

AH, THERE'S NO CONTEST FOR ONE
THING, THERE'S NO BEER IN MINE.

LOOK HOW THEY SPARKLE!

OH, THEY FEEL SO SMOOTH.

I'LL NEVER HAVE TO SHAVE.

COME, TOUCH THEM!

AH I SWEAR
I CAN FEEL YOUR TOUCH

MAKES ME BUBBLE!

AHHH!

HEY, YOU GOT ANY TOENAIL POLISH?

I'LL PAINT YOUR
TOENAILS FOR YOU.

HEY YOU DEVIL!

ARE YOU ALREADY COUNTING
YOUR PRIZE MONEY?

NOT SO.

WE MIGHT AS
WELL BE-- STRANGERS

GOOD LORD, THE YEARS
LEAVE NO TRACE!

NOT A MARK ON YOU!

AND YET YOU MUST HAVE
BEEN HURT MORE THAN I?

HAH WAIT!

WAS THAT ME?
-- DID I BREAK?

NO, NO! DOWNSTAIRS.
SOME OTHER GLASS LADY.

SHODDY WORKMANSHIP!

HAHHH!

THAT WAS NICE-- I
HOPE I SEE YOU AGAIN!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'VE GOT TO REHEARSE.

GOOD LUCK IN THE CONTEST.

[HORSE NAYS]

AM I GOING TO BE ENOUGH
FOR YOU FOR A WHILE?

YOU'RE THE ONLY NAME
LEFT ON THE DANCE CARD.

HOW LONG BEFORE YOU
START LAUGHING AT ME?

I'M ONLY GONNA MAKE YOU HAPPY.

IF YOU SUCCEED, I'M GOING TO
MAKE YOU VERY, VERY RICH.

I WISH I COULD FEEL THE
COLD AGAINST MY LEG, MY SKIRT.

LOOK, NO SAG!

NO VARICOSE VEINS. THESE ARE
LEGS TO DIE FOR, HELEN!

HA, HA, HA HMM!

WELL, I THOUGHT IF THE TWO OF
YOU WANT SOMETHING TO LAUGH AT

TRY ME!

FATHER!

OH SOONER OR LATER, HELEN

I KNEW YOU'D SHOW UP
TO PAY YOUR RESPECTS.

YOU HAVE A LONG WAY TO GO BEFORE
I START SAYING "THANK YOU."

HIM! HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN?
HE HELPED ME SAW!

THAT'S A LIE!

I WAS THERE, REMEMBER!

ALL RIGHT!

ALL RIGHT!
FORGIVE ME! PLEASE!

BETTER QUIT, POP-- YOU'RE
JUST MAKING IT WORSE!

LET'S GO. LET'S GO!
THIS IS NOT A REQUEST!

HE'S AN ABOMINATION!

YYYYAHHH!

RRRAHHH.

YAAAA!

RRAHHHH.

AH HAH HEE.

YYYAAH!

YYYAHH!

[♪]

[GLASS BREAKING]

[SPLASH]

THE FAMILY'S
FINISHED WHEN WE BURY HIM.

I'D SAY IT WAS OVER
A LONG TIME AGO.

AND WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE?

THE LAST TIME WE CAME CHESTER,
THERE WAS A BLIZZARD, REMEMBER?

WHAT GOOD IS MEMORY, NARCISSA?

WHY MAKE YOURSELF SAD?
-I'M NOT.

THAT WAS A HAPPY DAY.

I'LL SAY. I MADE A
SNOW ANGEL ON TOP OF YOU.

RAHH, AHH.

RRRRR.

AHH, AHHH.

AHHH.

ACCCH, ACHHH, AHH.

AHHH!

RODERICK?

THANK YOU.

YOU JUST GAVE ME A
GREAT IDEA FOR A NUMBER.

[♪]

[CHEERING LOUDLY]

AND SO IT WILL BE AMERICA'S
CHESTER KENT AGAINST SERBIA'S
GAVRILO THE GREAT

IN TOMORROW NIGHT'S LADY
PORT-HUNTLY'S BEER SADDEST
MUSIC IN THE WORLD FINALE.

I'M GETTING COLD.

SINCE WHEN DO YOU GET COLD?

I WAS HOPING FOR ONE OF
YOUR SPECIAL SNOW TREATS.

MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST
CONCENTRATE ON THE SINGING.

AS YOU WISH.

HAS YOUR TAPEWORM DECIDED TO
GIVE ME THE OLD 'HEAVE-HO'?

I THINK HE MAY BE DEAD.

I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT;
WE GOT ALONG SO WELL.

MAYBE HE'S JUST EATING.
I FEEL KIND OF EMPTY.

YOU AND ME BOTH. I'M
STUCK FOR A FINAL NUMBER.

ISN'T IT ALL DECIDED?

THE JUDGE SEEMS TO BE SINGING
'THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER'
IN HER SLEEP.

I WANT PEOPLE TO
SAY I DESERVED IT.

WHICH PEOPLE?
-MY BROTHER!

THAT FELLOW
YOU WENT OFF WITH THE NIGHT I
NEARLY DIED OF A HEAD INJURY?

I WANNA CRUSH HIM.

[HORSE NAYS]
IN THE NAME OF SERBIA,

I KILL YOU BOTH--

LET THE WORLD
WAR BEGIN.

POW! POW!
POW! POW! POW!

HOW MANY BULLETS WILL IT TAKE?

RODERICK?

THAT'S THE THIRD TIME
YOU'VE ATTACKED ME.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE
CRAZY-- I'VE HAD ENOUGH!

RAHHH!

AHHH!

AHHHH!

AHHHH!

OH!

AHHH, AHHHH, AHAHAHAAAHHH.

WHY WON'T YOU DIE?

YOU DIDN'T HAVE A GUN.

GAVRILO THE GREAT
WOULDN'T HAVE MISSED.

TWO SHOTS
IN-- SARAJEVO, AND THE,
THE WHOLE WORLD GOES TO WAR.

NINE MILLION
DEAD, NARCISSA.

AND, AND YOU WON'T
EVEN REMEMBER ONE?

LET ME OUT PLEASE.

IT WAS FUN WHILE
IT LASTED.

LOOK FOR ME IN THE
WINNER'S CIRCLE!

LONG WAY HOME TO INDIA, HUH?

HOW WOULD YOU GIRLS LIKE TO
EARN SOME QUICK BUCKS JUST BY

PLAYING ESKIMOS FOR
TEN MINUTES, OKAY?

ACCORDING TO MY SPIES, YOU HAVE
NOT STOPPED SEEING NARCISSA

UNTIL LAST NIGHT, WHEN SHE
WANDERED OFF INTO THE TUNDRA.

WHEN I TOLD YOU IT WAS
OVER, I THOUGHT IT WAS.

TRULY.

TURNS OUT, IT WAS ALMOST OVER.

QUITE A PIECE OF
WORK, CHESTER KENT.

YEAH, I KNOW.

I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT
YOU LIKED ABOUT ME.

YOU MIGHT BE A TOO BIG A
PIECE OF WORK, EVEN FOR ME.

YOU SAYING YOU'RE
THROUGH WITH ME?

I WISH I WAS SAYING THAT.

I'M SAYING THAT YOU'RE
HANGING BY A THREAD.

WELL, MAYBE WHEN YOU
SEE THIS NUMBER TONIGHT,

THAT THREAD'LL TURN INTO A ROPE.

AW LOOK, HELEN I SWEAR I'M
GOING TO CLIMB BACK OVER
INTO YOUR GOOD GRACES.

CHECK THE BACK OF MY LEG.

TELL ME THERE IS NOT A CRACK.

I DON'T SEE ANYTHING.

AMERICA'S CHESTER
KENT HAS CONQUERED
THE AIR AND THE EARTH.

NOW POISED TO VANQUISH WATER,

HE IMMORTALIZES THE LONG
FORGOTTEN ALASKAN
KAYAK TRAGEDY OF 1898.

AND APPROACHING THE STAGE AREA
IS THE MAESTRO OF MELANCHOLY,

THE SERBIAN "NE PLUS
ULTRA" OF THE CELLO HORN,
GAVRILO THE GREAT.

[BUZZER]

[♪]

[CHEERING]

[♪]

[LOUD CHEERING]

ISN'T IT RATHER
ODD THAT LADY PORT-HUNTLY

IS ACTUALLY IN ONE OF
THESE NUMBERS WHEN SHE'S
ALSO THE JUDGE.

WELL MARY, I THINK
SHE LOOKS SPECTACULAR!

[♪]

HERE COMES THE TRAGIC STORM.

THE WAVES ARE BILLOWING IN A
HAIR-RAISING ILLUSION OF AN

ACTUAL STORM AT SEA.

[♪]

[SCRAPING CELLO NOISES]

[♪]

[SCRAPING CELLO]
[GLASS CRACKING]

[CHEERING, YELLING, HOOTS ETC]

MY GOD!
MARY!

AHHHHH!
STOP THIS!

BRING THESE SAVAGES TO AN END!

STOP IT!

TEDDY!

TEDDY!

[LOUD AUDIENCE NOISES]

[♪]

HELEN, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

JUST LOOK AT ME!

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK YOU CAN BE FIXED.

ANYTHING THAT'S
BUILT CAN BE REBUILT.

C'MON, WE'LL GET PAST THIS,
I PROMISE YOU.

LET ME LEAN ON YOU.

HELP ME OUT OF HERE PLEASE.

OF COURSE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS
THINKING. I'M SORRY.

LISTEN ARE YOU SURE YOU
WANT TO LEAVE BEF -- UNHHH!

UNHHH!

AHHH.

UHHH, UHHH.

WELL, NOW YOU'VE GIVEN ME
SOMETHING TO LAUGH ABOUT.

I TAKE IT THE JUDGE'S
DECISION IS FINAL.

GO TO HELL, CHESTER.

IN DUE TIME.

FIRST I'M GOING TO
HAVE MY VICTORY CIGAR.

GOD HELP ME
I'VE EARNED IT.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[♪]

♪ I HEAR MUSIC WHEN
I LOOK AT YOU ♪

♪ A BEAUTIFUL THEME

♪ OF EVERY DREAM I EVER KNEW

♪ NOW DEEP IN MY HEART,

♪ I HEAR IT PLAY

♪ I FEEL IT START

♪ A BEAUTIFUL DREAM

♪ I HEAR MUSIC
WHEN I TOUCH YOUR HAND. ♪

♪ A BEAUTIFUL MELODY FROM
SOME ENCHANTED LAND ♪

♪ HOW DEEP IN MY HEART

♪ I HEAR YOU SAY

"IS THIS THE DAY?" ♪

[COMMOTION]

KEEP PLAYING.

LET'S HEAR IT ALL.

♪ I ALONE HAVE HEARD
THIS HAPPY STRAIN. ♪

♪ I ALONE HAVE HEARD
THIS SAD REFRAIN. ♪

♪ MUST IT BE FOREVER
INSIDE OF ME? ♪

♪ WHY CAN'T I LET YOU KNOW?

♪ WHY CAN'T I LET IT GO?

♪ WHY CAN'T I LET YOU SHOW
THE SONG MY HEART WOULD SING! ♪

♪ A BEAUTIFUL MELODY OF
LOVE AND BEAUTIFUL DREAMS. ♪

♪ THE MUSIC IS SWEET

♪ THE WORDS ARE TRUE

[COUGHS]
♪ MY SONG IS YOU!

[LAUGHS]

CHESTER: I ASK YOU, IS THERE
ANYBODY HERE AS HAPPY AS I AM?