Original subtitles

What are you doing?

Well, Larry called earlier.

He's all uptight about the Blakely account.

I told him I'd rough out some ideas

and mail 'em in tomorrow.

Doesn't he know you're on vacation?

Oh, he knows. But he doesn't care.

Oh.

Besides, if I do this preliminary work,

it'll keep him from coming up here.

Hm. Some vacation.

You're stuck here working,

and I'm off to a meeting.

What's on the agenda?

Well, uh, tonight we install the new resident witch.

Resident witch?

Yes. We've had one living here in Salem incognito

ever since the witch-hunts of 1692,

just to make sure it never happens again.

You know...

some of you witches aren't half bad.

[CHUCKLES]

[♪]

Why don't we forget about work and conventions?

Let's think of this as a second honeymoon.

Mm.

I can get out of the meeting.

I'll tell them I came down with

a very bad case of love.

ENDORA: As chairlady of the meeting,

I would not consider it a proper excuse.

Why don't you ever knock, Endora?

And why don't you ever

knock it off?

Come along, Samantha. We'll be late.

I'll try not to wake you up when I get back.

Uh, you'd better wake me up...

or I'll never forgive you.

[♪]

[APPLAUSE]

After a short recess...

we'll deal with the appointment

of the new resident witch of Salem.

As you well know, this office was created

out of the wisdom of the high priestess, Hepzibah...

in the year 1692...

dedicated to protect

the image of the witch.

And if necessary, through the use of witchcraft,

to protect those innocent people

who may be accused as witches.

As well as to protect against themselves...

those mortals so foolish as to cry:

"Witch!"

[APPLAUSE]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

This coven is now in recess.

[♪]

WOMAN: I'm going to get a little bit of food.

[LIQUID BUBBLING]

[GASPS]

MAN: Guess who.

Ha-ha. Waldo. Who else?

How did you guess?

The wart on your little finger.

From the time you turned me into a frog

when we were children.

I'm sorry it never went away.

I'm not.

This foolish thing reminds me of you.

[CHUCKLES] Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Waldo. Grow up.

I'm happily married with two beautiful children.

Yeah, but to a mortal. That doesn't count.

Silly. Oh, excuse me.

I-I'm needed.

[♪]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

[♪]

Fly into my nest My love.

Though you may be second best My love.

Though you're only make-believe My love.

At least you're mine this eve My love.

Wasn't very nice of her telling me to grow up.

But, Waldo, my darling, my love.

That's the thing I adore about you:

Your boyish quality.

That's better.

I love you, Waldo.

Do you love me?

Do I love thee?

Let me count the ways.

Let me count the ways.

One, like some kind of nut.

Two, like a case of arrested development.

Mother, you're intruding.

On a what? On a nothing.

On a figment of your imagination.

It's my figment. Please don't interfere.

She's air, Waldo.

You make her up in that sick brain of yours.

All these centuries, pining over one skinny witch.

I have a right to lead my own life.

Then lead it.

Do something.

I will.

I promise you.

[♪]

[NARRATOR READING ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

Sweetheart?

Has room service come yet?

No, not yet.

Oh, dear. I'm afraid I'm only gonna have time

for a cup of coffee.

I thought the witching hour started at midnight.

Yes, well, huh, Mother put me

on the Ways and Means Committee.

She's the chairman.

If she's the chairman, it should be called

the Ways to be Mean Committee.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR] MAN: Room service!

Come in.

[♪] [DOOR OPENS]

Now, you certainly took your time.

You don't like it, go back where you came from.

[CHUCKLES]

I tipped the waiter to let me do it.

Ha-ha. Funny, huh?

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHTER SLOWS AWKWARDLY]

I'll let you know in a minute.

What are you doing here?

Well, knowing that you'd be anxious

to show me your progress on the Blakely account,

I gladly sacrificed my time

to come up here to see you.

But I thought we agreed yesterday

that you weren't coming up.

That was yesterday.

We can't keep living in the past.

I-I don't quite follow that.

What he means is we can't keep living

in the past because he's too busy

bothering us in the present.

Now, here are the roughs of my presentation.

Take them back with my blessings.

Now, don't think I don't appreciate this,

but who can do a better selling-job

than the man who created these gems?

Sorry.

Oh, what's wrong with picking up a fat bonus

while you're on vacation?

Blakely digs you.

He likes your kind of pizzazz.

I'm all pizzazzed out.

That's why I'm on vacation.

Sweetheart, if you'd really like

to go back for just a day or two,

I wouldn't mind.

It's that kind of loyalty that makes me

proud to be an American.

Ah, you...

You fellas figure it out. I have some family business.

Now, I'll meet you back here at 1:00 for lunch, okay?

Bye-bye, Larry. Bye, Sam.

How about it, friend?

Oh, aren't you gonna eat anything

after all the trouble I went to?

Nope.

I'm off to see the sights of Salem.

Now, that's what I mean.

Even the way you said that, it's got a ring to it.

Just a couple of days, Darrin. For crying out...

DARRIN: You know, I've been learning a lot

about early American history.

Now, isn't it fascinating

that one of Nathaniel Hawthorne's ancestors

actually presided at the Salem witchcraft trials?

Speaking of witchcraft,

that's what it's going to take to save the Blakely account.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

DARRIN: Get over there.

I'll take your picture with Roger Conant.

He led one of the first groups

to settle in Salem in 1626.

That old boy goes way back.

What about our friendship?

That goes way back too.

Why don't you think about that?

[♪]

[SEAGULLS CAWING]

Go on. Take it.

You can call it,

"Man Begging in Front of House of Seven Gables."

A half day.

Come back for one half day.

No.

This is my first vacation in four years,

and you're not gonna bully me out of it

or wheedle me out of it.

But now I mean it, Larry.

I am staying right here in Salem.

Period.

End of discussion.

Darrin, let's not beat around the bush.

I want a definite answer.

If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna buy some more film.

Fine.

I'll be waiting patiently.

[♪]

FANTASY SAMANTHA: I love you, Waldo.

I love you more than life itself.

Tell me more.

Don't think that I haven't paid the price in loneliness.

WALDO: Perhaps we shouldn't be meeting like this.

We shouldn't?

But our lives are full of "shouldn'ts."

Can a star stop twinkling?

Can a bird stop singing?

Oh!

I'm sorry.

Where are you going?

There's supposed to be a grape arbor through there.

Well, they're out of season.

Uh, ju... Just a lot of naked vines.

Let's get out of here. Uh...

Boy, you're really upset, aren't you?

Upset? Me?

Ha-ha. About what?

About my refusing to help out with the Blakely account.

I'm sorry I made such a federal case out of it.

[SIGHS]

I'll go back if it's that important.

You will not.

You stick to your guns, boy.

You haven't had a vacation in four years,

and you're not gonna let me bully you out of it

or wheedle you out of it.

You're staying right here in Salem...

with Samantha.

And furthermore...

Perhaps if I met her husband and learned to hate him...

I could force myself to get rid of him.

[UPTEMPO LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING]

LARRY: Believe me, Darrin,

I can handle the Blakely account.

You don't have to come back to New York.

I wonder what's keeping Sam.

Well, how should I know?

I mean, uh...

why'd you ask me that?

It was just a rhetorical question.

I-I didn't expect an answer.

Ah, here she is.

Hi, sweetheart. Sorry I'm late.

Mwah.

Forgive me, Larry.

I'll try.

Another martini, please.

Oh. Shopping in this town is impossible.

I thought you were visiting relatives.

That's why I was visiting relatives.

Talk, talk, talk.

Oh, I am ravenous.

Did you do a lot of sightseeing?

Enough.

More than enough.

What did you see?

What did I see?

Well, what do you see when you sightsee?

Sights.

Oh. Yeah, well...

WALDO: Hello, Samantha.

[COUGHS] Oh. Waldo.

Uh, Waldo, I'd like you to meet my husband.

This is Darrin. How do you do?

This is Larry Tate. How do you do?

I've heard so much about you, Darrin.

May I say that you are a very, very lucky man.

Oh, Waldo and I are old friends.

We practically grew up together.

Like brother and sister.

[COUGHING]

I'm sorry.

It just went down the wrong way.

Waldo, if you don't mind,

we were just about to order lunch.

Splendid. I'm famished.

Well...

isn't this cozy?

If you'll excuse me.

I don't feel very well.

I'm going up to my room and lie down.

Oh, I-I'm sorry, Larry.

Anything I can do?

I certainly hope so.

What's the matter with him?

I don't know. He's just a bundle of nerves.

S-sweetheart...

maybe you should go up and see if he's all right.

Yeah, I guess so.

Excuse me.

[IRRITATED] Waldo.

What's the big idea, barging in?

[SIGHS] I just wanted to

meet your husband, see what you saw in him.

Now that you've met him?

What do you see in him?

Tsk. Honestly.

[♪] [GROANS]

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Who is it?

It's Darrin.

Darrin, what are you doing up here?

You should be downstairs with them eating your lunch.

What for?

Well, I... I...

I, uh... Well, if you don't, a stranger's

going to have to pick up our check.

Larry.

What's bothering you?

Bothering me? Nothing's bothering me.

It's what's bothering you that's bothering me.

You're not making sense.

Okay. Then here it is in a nutshell.

Yes?

I don't want to get involved.

In what?

Well, let's put it another way.

If Sam, for example,

happened to run into an old friend

like Waldo, for example,

at the House of Seven Gables, for example,

that doesn't necessarily mean what you think it means.

When did you see them there?

When we were sightseeing.

On the other hand,

it could have been somebody that looked like her.

Why didn't I think of that before?

It was somebody that looked like her.

The light was bad,

and I didn't see what I thought I saw.

So forget the whole thing. Go down, enjoy your lunch.

[SIGHS]

Where you going?

I'm sure there's a simple explanation

to whatever you saw...

so I'm gonna take your advice

and finish my lunch.

[♪]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[♪]

Are you ready for lunch?

Waldo, I can't have lunch with you.

I really should go upstairs.

And remember, none of your tricks.

My mother won't like it, but I promise you, Samantha,

none of my tricks.

Thank you. Excuse me.

Good afternoon. Good afternoon.

Waiter, two more of the same, please.

[♪]

So...

her husband is decent and loving.

What about me?

You are intelligent and sensitive

and vibrant.

That's much better than being

decent and loving.

Then shall we away to our rendezvous?

You're not "awaying" anyplace.

I want a full explanation of

what's going on here, or I'm gonna bust...

Oh, stop crowing.

I'm sorry, Samantha,

but I do detest violence.

You had to protect yourself.

[CROW CAWING]

That does it. I quit.

But, Larry, if Darrin left your room five minutes ago,

where did he go?

He's not in our room.

Well, maybe it's just as well.

Ah, he wasn't very hungry anyway.

What? Uh, nothing.

Larry, how are you feeling?

Oh, my... My throat's still bothering me a little.

But, uh...

don't worry about me, Sam.

I'll be all right.

Well, is there anything I can do to help?

Just, uh, be good to each other.

Well, uh, we'll certainly try.

Uh, bye.

[LINE CLICKS DEAD] [♪]

[CROW CAWING]

[CAWING]

Darrin.

Darrin, is that you?

[CAWING]

Oh, you poor dear.

I-I... I don't blame you for being upset.

A-and somebody is gonna pay for this, believe me.

Mother!

[CAWING]

Darrin.

Darrin.

[CAWING]

Well, uh, don't be mad at me.

I had nothing to do with it.

[CAWING]

[CAWING]

I-I-I'm sorry, sweetheart.

But I... I only did that for your own good.

Believe me.

[CAWING]

Now, you be patient.

And tonight at the convention, I'll get to the bottom of this.

[APPLAUSE]

And now for my next encore...

I should like to recite

one of the loveliest incantations

of our literature:

The spell to bring on an April shower.

Try this for an encore, Mother.

Please, Samantha. [CROW CAWING]

I work alone.

Oh, come on. Show them how clever you are.

Oh, stop waving that ridiculous bird at me...

Don't you call my husband a ridiculous bird.

That's Durwood? Oh-ho.

How perfectly divine.

Well, I am not amused.

Now, put him back the way you found him.

I didn't do it, sweetheart.

Not that I wouldn't have, had I thought of it.

Well, then...

who did?

I don't know. But whoever it was,

let's have an ovation for him.

[APPLAUSE] ENDORA: Yes!

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

All of you!

You call yourselves decent witches?

Bullies, that's what you are!

Where's your sense of humor, Samantha?

It's just a little convention high jinks.

We're no worse than the Shriners or the Elks.

SAMANTHA: Well, I don't think it's funny.

And I want whoever did it to undo it.

Pronto!

[MAGIC BOOMS]

Well, what...?

Well, what happened? Where did they go?

Uh, I-I'm sorry, sweetheart,

but, uh, they consider this hallowed ground.

And... well, you're a...

I know what I am.

Now get me back to the hotel on the double.

Uh, yes, Darrin.

[♪]

What are you doing?

What I was doing when I was a bird.

Except faster.

Don't you think I deserve an explanation?

This afternoon, Larry saw you

and Waldo the warlock

at the House of Seven Gables.

Waldo and me?

That's impossible.

I don't wanna talk about it anymore.

And I'll go home, cool off and forgive you.

In a year or two.

Maybe.

[♪]

And you're not even going to demand an explanation?

Okay. I demand an explanation.

That's better.

Well, go on. Explain.

I can't.

B-but I know someone who can.

Waldo?

Waldo.

Front and center.

I was expecting your call.

First, may I apologize

for the bird business?

Thanks. From the bottom of my beak.

Waldo, rumor hath it

that you and I were seen cavorting

at the House of Seven Gables today.

Now, I'm gonna ask you nicely

to explain that rumor...

quickly, or I will zap you into another century.

All right.

I was going to explain anyway.

Sir.

You have your Samantha...

and I have mine.

WALDO: Real to nobody but myself.

Heh. It's a foolish fantasy, I know.

But I assure you, a harmless one.

Oh, Waldo.

It's been almost an hour since I've seen you.

I've been so lonesome and sad.

Oh, I love you so, Waldo.

I love you with all my heart and soul.

I love you... All right.

All right. That's enough.

Who's that?

Sam.

I'm... I'm sorry.

I'm not.

You're beautiful when you're jealous.

I knocked, but nobody answered.

Oh, Waldo.

I love you more than life itself.

I'm sorry, Sam. But this is something I have to do.

[♪]

[CAWING]

Waldo.

Can't you do anything but crows?

[CAWS]

[♪]

[♪]

Shall I put him back the way he was?

Not yet.

How will we

explain this to Larry?

Well, sweetheart, we have a choice.

We could tell him I was having

a mad, impetuous fling.

[CROW CAWS] Sure.

Or we could tell him...

I'm a witch.

Yeah, that would be terrific.

Or...

we could tell him that was Serena he saw.

That will do it.

Okay, Waldo. Let's have a Serena.

Must I, Samantha?

I'm not very fond of your cousin.

Oh, please, Waldo.

A... A blond Serena dressed just like this.

Like your fantasy Samantha.

Well, that's easier.

[MAGICAL CHIMING]

Yeah. That's good enough.

Now do him.

What happened?

Uh, well, uh, y-you led

with a right cross. And, uh...

And... And Waldo countered with a karate chop.

He's a very dangerous uh, person, you know.

I didn't feel a thing.

That's what makes him so dangerous.

I didn't realize before. You know something?

When you're knocked out, you dream.

I thought I was a crow.

Where is he? I may be down...

but I'm not out.

I'm sorry for the little

misunderstanding, sir.

Oh. May I present my friend, Serena?

Hi, cotton top.

Serena, your... Your hair.

Someone said blonds have more fun.

I thought I'd find out. Hm-hm.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, Serena. It was you all the time.

And I thought that...

A perfectly understandable mistake.

Hm. And you proved your loyalty.

Uh, where have you two girls been? To a costume ball?

That's right.

Serena.

I can't tell you how glad I am to see you.

[MAGIC CHIMING]

[♪]

I don't feel very good.

Could somebody bring me a drink?

How about some Old Crow?

[♪]

[GIGGLES]

[♪]