All language subtitles for Revenge.Of.The.Bridesmaids.2010.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]-ing1

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FEMALE OFFICER: Turn.

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Geez, look at me.

And I thought
my yearbook photo sucked.

ABIGAIL: And that's me.

Man, that dress does not
look good on anybody.

FEMALE OFFICER: Turn.

"Turn"? What if
I don't wanna turn?

Who's gonna
turn me, you?

Why don't you turn this?

Something you should
know about me,

I have a little problem
with authority.

FEMALE OFFICER: Turn.

In second grade,
I told our music teacher,
Mrs. Florentine,

that if she wanted us
to sing like birds,

she should get herself
some freakin' birds.

I laughed so hard I peed.

And then we had to
sit facing the corner
during recess.

BOTH: We've been friends
ever since.

PARKER: And that's Rachel.
FEMALE OFFICER: Turn.

PARKER: Sweet Rachel.

The only nice one
of the bunch of us.

I feel so bad we
dragged her into this.

But the thing is,
we did it all for her,
really we did.

That was the idea, anyway.

You know what,
maybe I better explain.

We're bridesmaids.

Not the good kind
who love the bride
like a sister

and want to make her wedding
the most special day ever. No.

PARKER: We're more like
the "Avenging angels

"who are gonna give you
what's coming to you"
type of bridesmaid.

You know what,
you're coming in
in the middle of things.

So maybe I should
back up a bit.
Say, 20 years.

So you can meet
the fourth member of
our little sisterhood.

ABIGAIL: This is
where she lived.

Still lives.

It's such
an amazing house,
it has its own name,

Bellefontaine.

Caitlyn McNabb lives here
with her mother

and occasional
stepfather.

(GASPS) Oh, and servants,
of course.

You need servants
when your house has
its own zip code.

And by the way,
"Bellefontaine" is French

for "My house is so much
nicer than your house
will ever be."

It's a good thing
Caitlyn was an only child.

She didn't
do sharing very well.

She was much better
at taking.

But we didn't mind.

We were just little girls
blinded by the magic
of Bellefontaine.

Could you blame us?

There were tea parties
on the lawn with
homemade biscuits.

And a secret staircase.

You got to it from inside
of this huge wardrobe.

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

And it led all the way
to the backyard.

Coast's clear.
Come on.

We felt so lucky
to be there.

Oh, and when we didn't,
Caitlyn would remind us

how lucky we were
to be there.

YOUNG CAITLYN:
...eight, nine, ten.

Ready or not,
here I come.

So, then we play
our own little version
of hide-and-seek.

(SHUSHING)
(GIGGLING)

Rachel! Abigail! Parker!

And we called it
"I know a place where
Caitlyn can't find us."

It was a pretty spot
and under a cherry tree.

But then,
Rachel would feel guilty
and we'd all go back...

CAITLYN: Once upon a time,
there was a beautiful
princess that lived...

...and listen to Caitlyn

talk about Caitlyn
and make up stories
about Caitlyn.

Got married, and lived
happily ever after.

Her house,
her rules, her ego.

(ALL HUMMING)

CAITLYN: Yoo-hoo!
Here I come.

Wait.

What's that?

I'm the groom.

No, you're all bridesmaids.

There has to
be a groom.

Nuh-uh.
It's my wedding. Mom!

(SIGHS IN ANNOYANCE)

Your dress looks
really pretty.

Well, duh.
Of course it does.

Mother!

ABIGAIL: There she is,
like most normal
nine year olds

wearing a wedding dress.

Right now we're playing
her favorite game, wedding.

And we're losing.

(GROANS)

OLIVIA: Honeybelle, what?

What are these girls
doing to you?

They're not listening.

YOUNG PARKER:
It's a wedding,
Caitlyn,

there has to
be a groom.

My, don't you think a lot.

Well, doesn't there?
OLIVIA: Well, yes.

Technically, dear.
But it's not
very important.

Here,
let's use this chair.

Thank you, Abigail.

There. Isn't he handsome?

And from a wealthy family,
I understand.

Lovely bride.
Thank you, Mother.

(GIRLS CHATTERING)

(CHUCKLING)

ABIGAIL: This was
our life with Caitlyn...

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

...pretty much
through high school.

She called the shots
and we played the parts.

Why? It's a small town.
You take what you can get.

And in Lambert, Louisiana,
we got Miss Caitlyn McNabb.

After college,
my folks moved out west,

and Parker and I
both headed for New York.

I got a book published.

(CHUCKLING) It sold okay,
you know, for a first novel.

The second one is
coming along slowly,
very slowly.

Meanwhile, Parker went
the acting route.

She did a bunch
of plays off Broadway.

Well, off, off, off Broadway.

I mean, she was good.

But we always
kept in touch with Rachel,
who never left Lambert.

She was going out
with this guy Tony
she was crazy about.

And that seemed
to be enough for her.

I mean,
from what I knew.

I don't get
back home much.

Parker goes back a lot.

She actually likes
her parents.

And that's how we ended up
in Lambert last week.

Her parents' 30th anniversary,
and she dragged me along.

Parker's dad was taking
her mom on the cruise
she'd always wanted.

But first, the mandatory party
where every living relative

can ask us why
we aren't married
or famous yet.

And Parker does plays
in New York all the time.

Don't you, dear?

Uh, well, I...
I audition all the time.

(PARKER LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

ABIGAIL: This is why
I don't get back much.

Sometimes I get callbacks.

Which is sort of
like a chance to
audition again.

You know what,
she's constantly in plays,

and she's fabulous.

(LAUGHS) Oh,
she gets that from me.

You got to lie to them.
Tell them what they want
to hear.

And how about you,
Abby?

You got another book
coming out?

(CHUCKLES)

Yes, she does.

She has a huge book
coming out. (CHUCKLES)

But she's sworn to secrecy
by her publisher.

Oh.

You know, Mom,
I'm going to go check
my voicemail.

Oh, is it about
an audition?

Maybe.

Good luck!

Knock 'em dead!

Great being home,
isn't it?

Surrounded by
familiar faces

that will never
understand you.

Air, I need air.

We're outside.

Air without relatives.

Oh! Ah! Is that
Parker Wald I see?

And Abigail? No.
Abigail Scanlon.

Oh, my God,
it's Caitlyn.

Run for your life.

I can't, I'm in heels.

Oh, my goodness,
get over here.

It has just
been forever.

Mother! Mother!

You remember
Parker and Abigail.

Yes.

Hey, Rach!
Rachel! Hey!

PARKER: Hey!
ABIGAIL: Hey!

Did you change
your e-mail?

I've been trying to
get a hold of you.
I'm sorry. I...

Oh! Oh, my goodness,
y'all don't even know
why I am here.

These are
my bridesmaids.

Yup. I'm getting married!

To a groom or a chair?

Oh, you and
your little quips.

You know, the wedding's
in 10 days.

And I so wanted to
invite y'all,

but Mother said
she couldn't find
your addresses anywhere.

I'm sure if you called
Parker's parents...

What's that, Parker,
like 30 years
in the same house?

I'm sure they could
have told you.

Oh, gosh!
Well, of course! Mother.

Goodness me,
you're right.

Next time, huh?

Oh, oh, oh,
let me introduce you
to everyone.

Rachel
you know of course.

And these are my other
super bridesmaids.

Bitsy, Ashley
and Ashlie.

Oh, you're not
hearing double.

They're both really
named Ashley.

I spell it "ie" and
she spells it "ey."

Some people
get confused.

ASHLIE: But not us.
Right, Ash?

You got it, Ash.

(WOMEN GIGGLING)

Oh, my God.

BITSY: Oh,
look at that ring.
(EXHALES)

Picture.
Oh, yes.

So, Rachel,
you're a bridesmaid.

I so wish I could come
to the wedding.

I could meet Tony.
He's going to
be there, right?

BITSY: Say "cheese."

Uh, yes.

Oh, is that him?

I recognize him
from your PhotoBox.

Nice, sister.

OLIVIA: There's
our gorgeous groom.

CAITLYN: Oh, Tony-Bear!
We have been waiting
for you!

(CHUCKLING)

TONY: All right, then,
bridesmaids, groomsmen,
let's get this lunch moving.

CAITLYN: Oh, you, stop.

Someone has a game
he wants to catch at 3:00,
hmm?

(LAUGHS)

(BOTH SIGH)

Excuse me
for a moment.

All right, y'all.
Let's go.

BITSY: Oh, okay.

OLIVIA: Gregory, dear...
Oh, my goodness.
So good seeing y'all.

Close your mouths.

Rachel an old
friend of yours?

And I'm guessing
you haven't talked to
her in a while.

So, yeah, that's the Tony
that Rachel used to
go out with.

Although we can't
officially acknowledge
that ever happened.

So, this is me
not acknowledging.

You're Henry Kent.
You used to have big ears
and a slutty sister.

I grew into my ears.

And I'll tell Carol
you said hi.

Thank you.

I don't remember you.
Really?

We only had
Bio together twice and
I asked you to prom.

What?
No, I'm just kidding.

(SIGHS IN RELIEF)
I was two years older

and I spent most of
high school tripping
over my ears.

So, you still live
in Lambert?

Yeah, still live
in Lambert.

I'm sorry, no,
I didn't mean it
like that.

Yeah, you did.
Yeah, you did.
Let's go find Rach.

Okay.

See you around.
Bye.

Cute!
I know.

Now, you two
just have to stay
for the wedding.

Oh, we would love to,

but I have
this big audition.

And I have to
re-curl my weave.

(LAUGHS) You...
Listen to you.

Y'all know
you want to come
to this wedding.

And Mother and I
would just adore
to have you.

Mother!

Have a safe trip back.

Well, we would.

Please think about it.

Okay.

Just let's go
find Rachel.

(RACHEL SOBBING)

Rach!
Rachel!

Rachel, honey,
are you in there?

RACHEL: It's okay,
I'm doing fine.

(RACHEL BLOWING NOSE)

You have been
dating Tony
for like ever.

You said
he was the one.
What happened?

Yeah, why the hell
didn't you call us?

'Cause you would've
been mad and
yelled at me.

You're damn right!

(SNIFFLING)

She stole him from you,
didn't she?

No, no.
Caitlyn's a good friend.

After all, she asked me
to be her bridesmaid.

And why did you
say yes?

Because I was
brought up well.

Oh, honey,
what are you gonna do?

I'm going to put on
that ugly fuchsia dress

and march in that
bridal procession

and show the whole world
that I'm completely and
totally over Tony Penning.

Oh, my God.

That's an air-tight plan.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Holy smokes!

ASHLEY: What's wrong?

Um, you know what?

Rachel just found out

that she signed up
for a phone plan that
doesn't have texting.

Three years, no refund.
(BOTH GASP)

Oh, you should've
asked me.

Yuh-huh. Ashley knows
all the phone plans.

I do. But Ashlie knows
where to find the best
frozen yogurt anywhere.

ABIGAIL: So, wait,
let me get this straight.

One of you guys fills in
what the other doesn't know.

BOTH: Mmm-hmm.

That's pretty awesome.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

ABIGAIL:
Can you believe Caitlyn?

PARKER: Poor Rachel.
I know.

I mean, it's crazy!

Tell me about it.

PENNY: Lou, I still need
the big suitcase.

Well, that's why
I'm getting it.

What could Tony
possibly see in Caitlyn?

Boobs. He's a guy.

It's a business
transaction.

What?
A business transaction?

I really shouldn't
say anything.

Have some wine, Lou.

Did you hear something
down at the bank?

Daddy?

Well, three months ago,
Olivia put Bellefontaine
up for sale.

What?
They've owned it forever.

Olivia ran through
a third husband's money,

was having trouble
finding number four.

Gold-diggin' is
a young person's game.

And Tony's family?
Loaded.

A day after
the engagement,

Olivia took the place
off the market.

PENNY: Lou!

Sex for money?

It's good to see
traditional marriage
is alive and well.

(EXCLAIMS) Poor Rachel.
We should tell her.

Tell her a she-witch
stole the love of her life?

I think she knows
that, Parker.

Okay, but it's wrong!
It's evil, okay?

We can't just drop it
like...
(RINGING)

Oh, it's my agent.
I've got to take it.

Hello?
ALICE: Parker darling?

Oh, hey, Alice.

Oh! The audition.
I almost forgot about it.

When do they want
to see me?

Oh, okay. I see.

(STAMMERING) Not...
Okay. Love you, too.

Good news?

Not even a reading.
Nothing.

You know what,
the play was flawed.

The female characters
were completely
underwritten.

It really wasn't even
worth my time.

You wanted it bad,
didn't you?
So much.

Yeah, I know.
Here, babe,
take this,

and I'll get
some more for me.

WOMAN ON TV:
Well, how was I supposed
to know, silly?

A girl's not a mind reader,
you know.
MAN: Darling...

PARKER: How could
Rachel and Tony
have mucked this up?

They were perfect
for each other.

You never met him.
I'm highly intuitive.

They were meant
for each other,

and now Tony is
gonna marry Caitlyn.
(BRIDAL MARCH PLAYING ON TV)

And Rachel's gonna have
her heart broken forever.

(SWITCHES OFF TV)

Three thousand years of
watching romantic comedies

and it's just
one big stinking lie.

I mean,
the couple stumbles
around for two hours

and then miraculously,
five minutes before
the credits roll,

they realize that
they're meant
to be together?

(LAUGHS)

That is not how
life works, my friend.

Action movies
have it right.

You hate
action movies.

I hate them
because they're right.

In action movies,
some psychopath takes
25 sweet people hostage

and he's gonna
kill 'em all.

And then
Bruce Willis...
Or Denzel.

Also good.
He puts together
an elite SWAT team

of Navy SEALs,
and they go behind
enemy lines

and they do
what has to be done.

They wipe out
the henchmen,

the psychopath dies
a spectacular death,

and the sweet people
go free.

That's what you need
to make love work,

a ruthless SWAT team
with guns.

Gavin still
hasn't called yet?
No.

He went to LA
for pilot season

with his cute
scene partner...

BOTH: ...that he swears
he's not sleeping with. Ha!

You should not
date actors.

Who else do I meet?

Oh, you met that
really cute guy
Henry today.

And he liked you.

No. He did not like me.

Okay, yeah,
he did like me.
But he is a trap.

There's like 300 of them
in every hometown.

Nice, regular guy,
unpretentious.

You go out on
one date

and all of a sudden
you wake up 10 years later

with six kids, a fat ass,
and ugly pink sweatpants.

You like him.

You really, really
like him.

(STAMMERS) I do not.

What are you going to do
when he calls?

He's not going to call
because nice guys
don't call me.

Just selfish actors who
screw their scene partners.

And what are we going
to do about Rachel?

I say we go
full bore SWAT team

and break up
Caitlyn and Tony.

Okay, no more
wine for you.

No, I'm serious, right?

That's what Will Smith
or Matt Damon

or any of those
hot action guys
would've done.

We sneak into the compound,
we bust stuff the hell up.

What are we gonna do,
disguise ourselves
as German officers?

Exactly.

(CHUCKLES) All right.
What the hell
are you talking about?

I'm saying,
we wear the uniform
of the enemy.

Bridesmaids.

She already has
her bridesmaids.

Okay, then two of them
"have a little accident."

Parker,

if anyone deserves to be
knocked down a couple
of pegs, it's Caitlyn.

Rachel had one thing
she loved in life
and Caitlyn took it.

Are you really gonna
let her get away
with that?

Do you really think
we could take down
Caitlyn?

And do you think
we could stop
this wedding?

We can do anything. Why?

Because we're
sophisticated babes
from New York.

Or as Miss Olivia
would put it,

"You girls are just
a little too thinky."

All right.

I'm starting to like it.

Caitlyn is going down.

Yes!

The Thinky Girls
are back.
Yes!

To love.
To Rachel.

To the defeat of
the Third Reich!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Mmm.
Girls, you're so right.

This is the best
frozen yogurt
in all of Lambert.

Told you.

Aren't you glad
you called us?

So glad.

We owe you Ashleys.
We really owe them.

Yeah, but what can
we give them that
they don't have?

(SIGHS) Huh... Well...

How's it going up
at the house?

You guys getting along
with Olivia?

It's okay.

Yeah. Not so bad.

Ashleys! Come on.
We're yogurt pals now.

Share.

We can't do
anything right.

She's always
on our case.

And she treats us
like we're big dopes.

Can you believe that?

This is how
we can help them.

You mean
our secret Olivia tip?

You're right.
Yeah, she always liked us.

Really?

Look, girls,
you have to understand.

I mean, Olivia's
under a lot of
pressure right now,

wedding
and everything.
BOTH: Uh-huh.

Is she drinking?

Yes. Constantly.

That's what happens.
ABIGAIL: Yeah,
here's the trick.

When she's drinking,
tell her to slow down.

Like, in front
of everybody?

That's the only way
it works.

What we used to do
is we would count her drinks
and then we'd let her know.

Mmm-hmm.

PARKER: She'd always
thank us in the morning.

We could do that.
Yeah, we could.

Do it, you'll be golden.

How's the frozen yogurt?

It's really cold.
(LAUGHS)

If I eat it too fast,
my brain freezes.

(BOTH ASHLEYS CHUCKLE)

How can you tell?

And the trap is set.

Their poor frozen brains
never stood a chance.

Well, you pick up
a few skills when
you live in the big city.

How the world works.

Oh, my God,
they're towing
my mom's car!

No! Hey!

Hey, what are you doing?

Where did that
come from?

Been up there
for about three years.

Okay, well, we didn't
know 'cause we don't
live here anymore.

We live in New York City.

Hey, Dougie,
how's it going?

Livin' the dream, Henry.
How about you?

I'm good.
Can you give me a sec?

(SIGHS)

There's your boy.
Okay.

(INAUDIBLE)

My mistake.

It turns out
you can park here

if you're back in town for
your parents' anniversary.

So cute.
Okay.

So cute.

Hi.
Hi.

You know, I think I lost
something somewhere.

I'm gonna go look for it
in case I did.

I like your friend.

How did you do that?

I pulled a thorn
out of his paw
a few years back.

Or I'm a cop and
Dougie owes me a favor.

You're a cop?

Wow, that sounded awful.
I'm...

Let me try that again.

Oh, so you're in
law enforcement?

That sounds like
very important work.

That wasn't
much better either.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

I like seeing
you rattled. It's cute.

So, listen, Parker...

Look, I...

I think you're
really nice

and I so appreciate
what you just did
right there,

but I don't think
it would be smart for...

Take it easy.
Nobody's asking
anybody out.

Oh.

Just wanna say
be sure you read

all of our small-town
parking signs,

and you have
yourself a safe trip
back to the big city.

Okay?

That's it?

My mother's
great grandfather
built Bellefontaine

with his own
two hands.

Oh, Mr. Woodward,
it would be such
an honor

to have it grace
the cover of your magazine.

Now, I'm just
writing the article,
Miss Caitlyn.

I can't
guarantee you a cover.

Well, I see there are
no weight restrictions

on the brides
you feature.

That gown must've
taken all the lace
in England that year.

That's the Governor's
niece you're referring to.

She has a lovely
complexion.

Mmm.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Did you know,
Mr. Woodward,

that all the bridesmaids
are living here
at Bellefontaine

right up until
the wedding?

And staying at such
a magnificent home,

why, it's like living
in a fairyland.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

(WHISPERS) Now you.
Oh, yes.

You know, all the girls
are staying right here
at Bellefontaine

up until the wedding.

I said that part.
And um...

Snowglobe.
Yes.

This home is so beautiful,
isn't it?

It's like an idyllic scene
in a snowglobe.

Oh!

That is so sweet
of you to say.

More sherry, anyone?

Oh, yes, precious,
I believe I will.

Number three!

I beg your pardon?

Oh, that's your
third glass of sherry.

Actually,
it's her fourth.

She had a little nip
in the kitchen.

But I think
that was scotch.

What are you doing?

Helping.

We know you're under
a lot of pressure,

and we certainly don't
want to see you
get hammered

like you did
Wednesday night.

When you fell
into the duck pond.

And told the gardener
your hedge needed trimming.

So, we'll be here
counting your drinks
every day.

And night,
when you really
go to town.

How thoughtful of you.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

I think those girls
gave us bad advice.

Boy, I think
you're right.

Well, apparently,
some of Caitlyn's
old rivals

were pulling some
silly sorority stunt.

(LAUGHING) Oh,
why thank you, Mr. Woodward,
I knew you'd understand.

So, we'll see you
and your photographer
tomorrow morning?

Wonderful. Okay.
Bye, now.

Oh! Mama!

(EXCLAIMING)
Fantastic news!

Abby and Parker have
changed their plans.

Because of me!
They're going to stay
in town for the wedding.

Isn't that
just the best?

Mmm.

Oh, don't worry,
we'll sit in the back.

We're not going to
make a peep.

PARKER: Yeah,
we don't even need
to be in the photos.

(LAUGHING) It's not like
we're bridesmaids
or anything.

Oh, my gosh.

Lightbulb!

What if you
were bridesmaids?

No!
I mean, it would...

Yes!
It would be a dream
come true.

PARKER: Yeah.

Caitlyn, may I have
a word with you?

(GIGGLES)

(WHISPERING)
They are not
bridesmaid material.

Mom, it's okay.

Listen to me...
It's my wedding and
I want my bridesmaids.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Mama has something to say.

Yes.

Mother?

We would be
honored if you would...

Oh, for gosh sakes.
You're my new bridesmaids!

No way!

Yay!
Shut up!

Yes, yes, yes!
Amazing!

PARKER: Okay, here we are.

Got cherubs?

There's something
I've learned in life,

you can never have
too many cherubs.

All right, Sarge,
we're behind
enemy lines. What's next?

Why are you asking me?

Because you're the plotter.

Didn't Publishers Weekly
call you inventive?

"Abigail Scanlon
is in full command
of her narrative."

I will give you that one.

All right, break up
the couple. Break up
the wedding couple.

(GASPS) I got it!
You sleep with the groom.

Huh, yeah. We help
our friend Rachel

by me sleeping
with the love
of her life.

Hey, I never said
there wouldn't be
any casualties.

(GASPS) Uh...
You sleep with Caitlyn.

Why do all of your plans
have me sleeping
with someone?

Is this how you see me?

A little bit.

All right. Well,
if Tony's like most guys,

me and Caitlyn
in bed together
will not be a deal breaker.

I wonder where
they have Rachel stashed?

Probably in the
"Ha, ha, stole
your boyfriend" room.

No, she's
in the Persimmon Room.

How do you know?

Oh, it's right here,
under "Room Assignments"

in the Bridesmaids' News.

Oh, of course.

An in-home published
newspaper about
your very own wedding.

Guess who made
the cover? Caitlyn.

You know,
I really think that
we're over-thinking this.

If we want to get
Rachel and Tony
back together,

well, let's just get
Rachel and Tony
back together.

We can fix her up a bit,

boost her confidence,
and then throw 'em
in a room together.

They were cooking before.
Come on, let's turn up
the flame a little bit,

and then I do not
have to sleep
with anyone.

You okay with that?

Oh, behold!
The Persimmon Room.
(LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY)

(WHISPERS) Rachel?

(GASPS) What are
you guys doing here?
How'd you get in?

We're the new bridesmaids.

Really?
Does Olivia know?

OLIVIA: Yes, she does.

Is there something wrong
with your room, girls?

No, I just wanted to
check out the
Persimmon Room.

It's clearly stated in
the newsletter that
lights out is 11:00 p.m.

A curfew?
Are you kidding me?

(CHUCKLING)
By which she means,
"Yes, ma'am."

Good night then, Rachel.

Good night.
Good night.

It's off to bed.
Mmm-hmm.

I know why you're here.
I know exactly
what you're planning.

You think being
a bridesmaid
is a little game.

You're here to
laugh at our expense.

No, we take
what we're doing here
very seriously.

Yeah, like we're
on a mission or something.

This wedding
is in eight days.

I expect you to honor
the sacred trust that Caitlyn
has bestowed upon you.

We do understand
each other, don't we?

Yeah.
Good.

Well, I'm glad
we've had this little talk.

Now you two girls
get to bed.

You need your beauty sleep.

Especially you, Abigail.

(GRUNTING)
No, no, no.

(EXCLAIMING)

(GRUNTING)
(EXCLAIMS)

(DOOR OPENING)

(HUMMING BUGLE REVEILLE)

Rise and shine, sleepyheads!
Extra, extra,
read all about it!

Y'all made
the front page.

Look, "Old pals
join bridal fun!

"Caitlyn tickled pink!"

Now, breakfast
is in half an hour
on the east porch.

Yum, yum.

Then at 8:00,
ladies, it's time to
turn on the charm

because
Wedding Belles
of the South magazine

will be here for
interviews and photos.

Then at 11:00,
oh, get ready.

(IMITATING DRUMROLL PLAYING)

Your first dress fitting.

Oh, and there's
so much more after that.

Y'all need to
get moving, okay?

Let's go! Chop-chop! Bye!

She keeps this up,
this is gonna need
an obituary page.

(SIGHS)

Well, being selected
Caitlyn's maid of honor

is so completely
the most important thing

that has ever happened
in my entire

life.

Oh!

I'm sorry.

It's just ever since
we were freshmen rushes
at Gamma Kappa,

Caitlyn and I
have been like sisters.
More than sisters.

We're like two big halves
of one big Siamese twin.

(LAUGHS)

The funny thing is,
she's happier than we are.

Morning, ladies.

Hey.
Oh, okay.

(IN SINGSONG VOICE)
Okay, girls.

The better the interviews,
the more likely we are
to get the cover.

I hope you're both thinking of
lots of colorful anecdotes.

Yeah, that's what
we're doing over here.

Yeah, I tried a couple of
jokes on the butler.
Freakin' killed.

(LAUGHS) Oh, Abigail,
you're just a regular, old
Dane Cook sometimes.

But seriously,
when it's your turn
to be interviewed,

please, no frowny faces,
no sassy attitude,

and remember,
you are the bridal support.

And, oh, dear God,
please, none of that
other thing you do.

Oh, you mean sarcasm?

None of that.

Caitlyn, I could never be
sarcastic with you.

Thank you.

Here we are, ladies.
Eggs Benedict

with a rasher of applewood
smoked bacon for Miss Parker.

And for Miss Abigail,
spelt toast, dry,
and soy bacon bits.

This spelt toast,
what, that means
somebody ate it already?

OLIVIA:
I'll take care of this.

Abigail, our bridesmaids
dresses aren't going to
impress in the plus sizes.

And we think,
with a little work,

you could lose
10 pounds this week.

If you cut off my leg.

(OLIVIA CHUCKLES)

Now, it's not just diet,

we're bringing in
a personal trainer for you.

And trust me,
she is a miracle worker.

I need a miracle?

Look, I know
you don't want to
hear this right now,

but this is seriously
the best eggs Benedict
that I've ever had.

RACHEL:
We've been best friends
since kindergarten.

Abigail, Parker and Caitlyn.

We used to play wedding,
right there on that lawn.

And now
it's a real wedding.

Yes. It is.

When you see
Caitlyn and Tony together,

bride and groom,
how does that
make you feel?

Um...

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

I'm so, so sorry.

What a sweet
dear friend she is.

Rachel! Rachel!
Rach.

Rachel!
Rach!

They used to run after
each other like that
when they were children.

Such memories!

ABIGAIL: Rach!
Rachel!

Rachel! Rachel!
Rachel!

ABIGAIL: Slow down!

Rachel!

Rachel!
Rach!

Come on!
Rach!

Hey, how those
eggs Benedict
treating you right now, huh?

Oh, I figured
they'd ask me
about Caitlyn,

but I did not think
they would ask me
about Tony.

(WHIRRING)

Look, it's gonna be okay.
We're gonna fix everything.

Excuse me! We're trying
to have a conversation!

Can you wrap it up?

(WHIRRING STOPS)

Thank you.
You're a prince.

What do you mean
you're gonna
fix everything?

That's why the Ashleys
are gone and we're here.

You did that?
Yes,
we did.

And we did it for you.
We're gonna help you
get Tony back.

So spruce it on up, girl.
You gotta look pretty.

Yes, he's gonna
fall in love with you
all over again.

No, he can't.

Yes, he can. Come on,
there's still plenty...

No, they have to
get married.

Whose side are you on?

It's a secret.
It's a big secret.

I'm not supposed to
tell anyone, so I can't!
Spill it!

Caitlyn's pregnant.

What?

And it's Tony's.

So they have to get married.

(SNIFFLING)

That sweet little baby
cannot grow up
without a daddy.

RACHEL: It always felt weird
with me and Tony's family.

They think anybody
who isn't rich like them
is some sort of gold-digger.

But that isn't me.

Oh, we know, honey.

They made me feel
so uncomfortable.

Then one day,
Tony made this joke

about how I liked
their big sailboat,
and I lost it.

I said, "If that's what you
think I am, then we should
just break up right now."

I didn't mean it.
I was just upset and mad.

When I finally got up
the nerve to call
and say I was sorry,

somebody else
had swooped in
and grabbed him.

Hmm. Yeah, let me guess.
Our lifelong friend
Caitlyn.

Yeah. She threw
herself at him.

Under him,
more likely.

He only slept
with her once,
but that was enough.

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, just like my mom
always said.

How do you know
she was pregnant?

She told me.
She said she went
to Dr. Wallach.

They did a test. Baby.

So now they have to
get married.

Tony's doing
the right thing.

He always does
the right thing.

Except playing
that game of
happy-slappy with Caitlyn.

Promise me
you will not
break up this wedding.

Promise?

(SIGHS)

Fine.
All right,
we promise.

You know what,
that gold-digger's pregnant

and it's a shotgun wedding?

This marriage gets
more traditional
all the time.

What are we gonna do?

Nothing. We just buck up
and be sweet little
bridesmaids to that bitch

and her hellish mother.

(EXCLAIMING ANGRILY)
This is not fun anymore.

Caitlyn,
if I'm gonna stage this,

we need the groom
and his groomsmen.

Your mother never kept
her husbands for very long,

but she certainly knew
how to get them
to show up on time

for all the rehearsals.

Thank you, Charlotte.

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

(GASPS)

Yay!

Got your groom, ma'am.

Sorry we're late.

Four guys trying on tuxes,
you can't pull them away.

CHARLOTTE: Settle down.
Now first thing, we need to
match our groomsmen

with our bridesmaids
for the processional.

We'll do this by height
because this day
is all about aesthetics.

MAN: Okay.

HENRY: Hi.
Hi.

You had me at "Hello."

Oh. I didn't say hello.

Gary, in heels
she's gonna be a lot taller.

Yeah, Gary,
he's right.

I think
I'm the girl for you.

Plus, I am just dazzled
by a guy that can
rock plaid, so...

Mmm.

Kind of surprised
to see you two here
instead of Team Ashley.

Oh, yeah, well,
they had to present
this big paper at MIT,

and, you know,
Caitlyn asked us to fill in.

You do know that
I'm a detective
for a living.

Well, in that case,

I'm not answering
any more questions
without a lawyer.

Even if I invite you
to dinner?

I can't.
We're on lockdown here.

No dinners out.
No men upstairs.

Too bad.
I'm just trying to get
a little background

on the woman
I'm walking down
the aisle with.

New York actress.
Gone next Monday.

(BELL TINKLING)

You two, let's go.

Plenty of time
to hit on her

when you're tanked
at the reception.

Thank you.

CHARLOTTE: Oh, dear,
I don't know.

Livvy, the dress
was made
for one of those

shapely Ashley girls
you discarded.

This bony child
has no rump at all.

Where's your bottom, dear?

Charlotte, this girl
is as good as
we can get.

We're just gonna
have to soldier on.

Pin, my dear,
till your hands bleed.

Uh, hey, excuse me.
I don't think that
this dress fits anybody.

Ah, a woman built
to bear children.

Excuse me?

If only there was a way
of transplanting some of
your womanly abundance

to the one
built like a little boy.

A boy? Have you not
seen these babies?

Charlotte, she's going to lose
10 pounds by the wedding.

I'm sorry.
Why don't you try
to alter the dresses

instead of the bridesmaids?

Abigail, dear Abigail.

You're going to be
standing in front of

hundreds of people
next Saturday.

You don't want them
looking at you

and recalling that
hateful nickname
they used to have for you.

What was it again?

Flabigail.

(GASPS)

Young people
can be so cruel.

(SIGHS)

(CLATTERING)

Soup? Are you
frickin' kidding me?

Figured I'd find you
down here.

They moved everything.
Everything.

This cabinet...
This cabinet used to be
full of cookies.

Always. Even the
Little Debbie cakes
with the pink wrapper.

I could count on it.

And now
she's starving me
for 24 hours,

and what does she give me
in my happy cabinet?
A frickin' can of tomato soup!

You know what?

Fine.

(SLURPING) Mmm.

It's not that bad.

Can I buy you a round?

No.

Flabigail.

She really put
the knife in on that one.

Well, pull it right back out.
She was just trying
to get to you.

One word and that sad
little 12-year-old girl
was back.

But now you're beautiful.

And you're a very
successful New York writer.

Who's hitting
her head up
against the wall

because she has
not one idea
for her second novel.

Not one. Nothing.

I'm blocked, I'm spent,

I'm a has-been
after one book.

Cold spaghetti?

Give it to me.

Mmm.
Mmm-hmm. Nuh-uh.

Okay.

Remember when
we used to sneak down
that secret passageway

and make snacks
for movie night?

(LAUGHS) Always
the same snacks,
right?

It was s'mores
and pink lemonade.

And always the same movie.

BOTH: An Officer
and a Gentleman.

For two years,
that's the only movie Caitlyn
would ever let us watch.

Oh, my God, that's it.

Okay,
Caitlyn's not pregnant.

Ready?
Officer and a Gentleman,

Lisa Eilbacher
pretended to be pregnant

so that David Keith
will marry her.

Caitlyn is Lisa Eilbacher.
Oh, it's so obvious.

She went to
Dr. Wallach, Abigail.
She got a test.

No. Mmm-mmm.
I don't think she did.

I think Caitlyn is lying.

Okay, you might need
a little proof of that.

I'll get you some proof,
Little Miss Skeptical No Butt.

We move at dawn.

Let's get going,
we need our sleep. Let's go!

And I need my spaghetti.

Oh, yeah.

PARKER: Oh!

KELTON: Well,
good morning, bridesmaids.

What are you ladies up to?

Uh, we were just
gonna go into town.

Yeah, I need to
run an errand.

You know,
Miss Olivia doesn't like
people driving off,

doing their own thing, now.

I need tampons.

Well, have a good day.

ABIGAIL: Bye!

Hi, how are you?

Come on.

Hi, we're here from, uh...

Filex Cabinets.

Uh-huh.

Yes. You obviously
got the recall notice.

The what?

The recall notice, sweetheart.
Don't you read the news?

Yeah, a lot of
our filing cabinets
have been collapsing.

Apparently the titanium
brackets have a little
too much alloy in them.

Yeah, way too much.

These cabinets
were purchased
after 1970?

Um, I started here in June.

Then we need to
check those, don't we?

Okay. Let's go.
(DOOR BUZZING)

I'm gonna pick
a file at random.

You know what,
how about "M"?

"M." Middle letter.
Very wise.

Oh, my God.
Those glasses are so cute.

Thank you.

They must have been
really expensive.

No, I bought them online.

$20.

Get out of here!
Would it be okay
if I tried them on?

Oh.

Thanks.

Oh. Wow, they're so comfy.
How do I look?

Blurry.
I can't see a thing
without my glasses.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Have you ever tried contacts?

Because, you know,
your eyes are really pretty.

Oh, I did,
but don't they hurt?

Beauty is pain, girlfriend!

(EXCLAIMING ANGRILY)
She's pregnant!

That's just an expression
that we use to mean

that this cabinet is
crazy full and
it's about to go.

So, we need to
get that report in
right away.

Absolutely.
Okay.

Here are your glasses.
Thank you.

Stay clear of those.

(PARKER LAUGHS)

Lab report
with urine test.

"McNabb comma Caitlyn.
Bun in oven."

What about
An Officer and a Gentleman?

Just like every other
romantic movie, okay?
It let us down.

ALL: Mmm. Mmm.

That was the orange ginger.

Bitsy, don't copy off me.

I wasn't!

Girls, do I have to
separate the two of you?

This next one
is red velvet.

Very daring
for a wedding.

What do you think, honey?

It's really good.
I like it.

Men. Put food
in their mouths
and that's all they need.

Not all. At least not
in my experience.

Which is no doubt
extensive.

You like it? Sweetheart,
that's what you said
about the last three.

I like cake. All cake.

Cake and me,
we just get along.

Tony-Bear, participate.

Come on, we need
an opinion from the groom.

Look, Caitlyn,
I'm doing what
everybody wants here.

It's just cake.

Yes, you do like milk
with your cake.

Why don't you go
get some milk, hmm?

I think I will.

He's just getting
some milk.

OLIVIA: Well, if he's
going to have milk,

I think we should all
have a sherry.

Mmm.

Oh. Uh...
Oh.

Sorry. Bye.
(STAMMERING)

Rach, don't go.

It's okay. We can be
in the same room together.

No, I don't think we can.

Do you hate me that much?

Is that what you think?

I'm trying not to
think anymore.

I'm just doing
what I have to do.

One stupid mistake,

and I'm gonna be
paying for it
for the rest of my life.

I miss you so much.

And I'm the one
who messed this up,

and I wish
I could go back.
But it's too late.

Rachel.

I love you.

I always will.

(SOFTLY)
I love you, too.

There's not much
we can do about it, though.

It's just nice to know.

CAITLYN: Tony-Bear!
This carrot cake
is to die for!

And then we both said
we still love each other.

(RACHEL LAUGHS)

I haven't been
this happy in months.
Isn't it wonderful?

No, no.
It's not wonderful.

It's the opposite
of wonderful.

He's marrying
someone else,

and not just
any someone else,

he's marrying
Caitlyn McNabb,

the great biatch
de les biatches.

(BLOWS)

(CRYING)

Hey, Parker, I heard
there are some
little kids playing outside,

why don't you go out there
and tell 'em they're
all gonna die someday?

Okay. What are we all
doing here, seriously?

We're miserable.
We should just crash
the gate and go.

No! You can't go.

If you all left,
I'd be a mess.

We don't want that
to happen now, do we?

Go wash your face.

Okay.

We cannot leave her.

Then what
are we gonna do?

We can't break up
a wedding if we can't
break up the couple.

Oh, don't worry
about it, okay?
I will find a way.

Why? Because
I'm Abigail Scanlon,
master of the narrative.

I thought you were
blocked and a has-been.

Not yet I'm not.
We'll figure this out.

I'm sorry.

Bitsy, you got
something for Tony,
but nothing for me?

Come on. Feet apart.
(PANTING)

Kick it.

Harder and higher!

Come on, no resting!

(GRUNTS)

Hey, you, we need
a ring bearer,
not a clown.

You're not to smile.
This is not about you.

Mom!

You.
You're it!

(SIGHS)

FEMALE TRAINER:
All right now. Good. Harder!

Come back here!

Let's go! That's right.
Time's a-wasting!

♪ Something old
Something new

♪ Something borrowed
Something blue

♪ But all I need
is something new

♪ Ooh, ooh

♪ All I need
is something new ♪

Well, I think we finally
have an arrangement
that works for everybody.

Thank you, Charlotte.

Yes. You are a genius.

(ALL GASPING)
No!

(SIGHS IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

Ooh.

Was that
something important?

(SOBS)

Some candid pics
of fun with my bridesmaids.

This is the big
pillow fight, okay?

(SIGHING)
I hate pillow fights.

Oh, don't be
a big poop!

Abigail, easy.

(EXCLAIMS)

(LAUGHING)
BITSY: Oh! Ow!

(RACHEL GASPS)

BITSY: I'm okay.
Oh...

(GROANS) Okay. Oh!

Ow!

Can I have some help?
(EXCLAIMS)

(LAUGHING) Oh,
we're having so much fun!

(BITSY EXCLAIMING)
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

♪ 'Cause I just
don't let you see

♪ How much I want you

♪ I feel so lucky
it seems that it's...

♪ Uh-uh, uh-uh
It's dangerous ♪

Ooh, we get a choice.

"At 8:00 p.m.,
scrapbooking
in Caitlyn's room,

"Sleepless in Seattle
in the den,

"or making popcorn balls
in the kitchen."

How about if I jump
out the window
of the "Stir Crazy" room?

Parker, you ditched
"I Love the '80s" karaoke

two nights
in a row, all right?

You can't sit in here
and mope all night.

Amazingly, I can.

Seriously, come on, get up.

You want to leave Rachel
suffering out there
by herself?

Fine. But I hate you.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(GASPS) Oh!

Henry Kent.

You look cute. Answer it.
(CLEARS THROAT)

Yes?

Yeah, hi, it's Henry Kent,

small-town
police detective.

Oh, hi.

Very casual. Nice.

I know that
it's a long shot,

and I know it's tough
getting out of the compound...

Dinner? Yes, absolutely.

Well, great.

How about Crawdid's
in 20 minutes?
It's still there, right?

It was this morning.

See you there.

(IN SINGSONG VOICE)
I have a date.

I have a date.
I have a date.

Fine.
But I hate you back.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Do that move again.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

CAITLYN: Yay!
Abigail's here.
BITSY: Yay!

RACHEL: Uh-oh!

(IN SINGSONG VOICE)
I have a date.

WOMAN: ♪ Want to ask you
something, man

MAN: ♪ Here we go! ♪

If you hadn't called me,
right now I'd be
pasting baby pictures

of Caitlyn on a page
called, "Cute as a Button."

They're pretty hard-core
up there, huh?

We wear matching pajamas.

Ooh.

So, I'm still a little curious
as to why you stuck around
in town.

I quickly ruled out
interest in me.

Because we're worried
about Rachel.
This is awful for her.

She's not even close to
being over Tony.

Sort of a sensitive area
for a friend of the groom.

Sorry. You wanna
change the subject?

Nah. I mean,
I know what's going on.

I know why
they're really
getting married.

Oh, yeah,
secretly pregnant bride.

What a cliche.
What?

She's pregnant?

Oh, no.
No, please don't tell
anyone I told you.

It's okay.
'Cause I'm joking.
Everybody knows.

I'm serious.
The busboy knows.

Hey, Javier!
Who's pregnant?

Miss Caitlyn.

All right, well,
I told you about Rachel.

So what's Tony's story?

Tony's a stand-up guy.

He's doing
what he has to do.

But is he happy
about it?

Um, let's see. No.

When he found out
she was pregnant,

he put his fist
through a wall.

But then he realized
this is Lambert,
Louisiana,

it's 1870, and the options
are "get married"
or "get married now."

So he's biting his lip
and taking his punishment.

This is just one big
misery fest, isn't it?

Yeah.

In fact, I would
probably have to say
that meeting you

is the only good thing
to come out of this
whole lousy wedding.

Look, Henry,

I leave for New York
the day after the wedding.

And there's not much time.
And I sort of have this rule

where I don't
sleep with a guy

until I've known him
for three weeks.

Parker?

Yeah?

It's just dinner.

Although, if I happen
to find myself in New York

in, I don't know,
exactly three weeks, then...

Hey!

How was the date
with the cop?

Did he frisk you?
Did he find anything?

It was awful.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.
I thought that was solid.

No, he's great.
Possibly better than great.

And he likes me.
Oh, God.

Well, why don't
you stick around
and see what happens?

Because I live
in New York City.
My career is there.

Which I don't even have.

I didn't tell you this,
but my agent, Alice,
dumped me yesterday

in an email
which she signed
"Love." (LAUGHS)

So I'm going home
to nothing

and I'm leaving
this adorable guy here.

Olivia has me
so carb-starved

that if you put
your sweet hand
on a kaiser roll,

I'd eat it in three bites.

Out of the two of us,
who do you think
is more pathetic?

I need BAND-AIDs.

We were scrapbooking
last night and I got
all these paper cuts.

We have a winner.

(SIGHS) What a
super morning it is!

I just saw a redbird
outside my window.

You know, Bitsy.
I hope we all
stay in touch

when this week is over.

Girls, breakfast
is on the patio,
not in the kitchen.

Is Caitlyn out there?

No. Our bride-to-be
is not feeling at all
well this morning.

I thought I heard her
throwing up. Is she okay?

Well, these things happen.

Mmm, morning sickness.

Oh, yeah.

Or somebody and her
maid of honor were
up late last night

doing mucho, mucho
tequila shots.

Pregnant girls
don't do tequila shots.

Unless they're
not pregnant.

Bitsy, you need
to tell us the truth.

Mmm-mmm.

It'll be much easier
on you if you just talk.

Anything yet?
No.

Not gonna happen.

Oh, what is this?

(GASPS) Ooh!

Oh, my.

Those are mine!
Where did you get those?

From your room.
Is that cashmere?

I think so.

And there's not
a spot on it.

It would be a shame
if anything happened to it.

Don't you dare.
Mmm!

(GASPS)

What do you got there,
Abigail?

You know, just a few things
that spill on fine garments.

Like

marinara sauce.

Club soda.
Gets it right out.

Soy sauce.

(GASPS)
White vinegar and peroxide.

Oh, well, look
what I have here.

Mmm.

Fruit preserves.
And I think that's... (SNIFFS)

Yeah, that's blueberry.

You wouldn't.

(GASPS) She's not pregnant,
she never was!

Please don't
hurt my sweaters.

Okay, but what about
the pregnancy test?
We saw the lab results.

That was my sister's urine.

Muffy married
an Irish Catholic guy,
so she's always pregnant.

Caitlyn asked me
to get a cup
of her pee, so I did.

Please don't tell her
I blabbed.

We're Gamma Kappa Nus.
Forever.

It's okay, Bitsy. It's over.

Can I go now?
Sure.

(EXCLAIMING)

I can't believe it.

Caitlyn lied about
being pregnant to trick
Tony into marrying her.

That bi...
That...

Say it.
Yeah, it'll make
you feel good.

No, I can't.
I just can't.
That bitch!

(RACHEL'S VOICE ECHOING)

(ABIGAIL AND PARKER LAUGH)

Careful, sweetheart.
Don't hurt yourself.

Sorry.

Okay, well, you know what?
This changes everything.

Sure does.
We gotta tell Tony.

Yeah, we have to. When?

(CAITLYN GIGGLING)

Tony, baby.

How about right now?
He's here.

We'll distract Caitlyn,
and you go tell Tony.

Me tell him?
I don't think I can.

After what
she did to you?

After what
she did to us?

Yeah, you're right.
I'll tell him.
I have to.

Okay. Here goes.

I'm taking my life back.

Wish me luck!

Bye, boys! Have fun!

Be careful.
Don't you do anything
I wouldn't do.

Oh!

Isn't that cute?
They're going on a canoe trip.

Male bonding.
Three days out
in the woods.

No laptops,
no cell phones,

no strippers,
thank you very much.

So when are they
gonna be back?

Just right
before the wedding,
which is fine by me.

All he has to do is shave
and put on a tux.

Men are not
very complicated,
are they?

I got it. Why don't we
just find out what river
they are on,

rent a canoe
and some maps and stuff,

and just hunt them down?

Excellent. A plan
that utilizes our vast
wilderness skill set.

Okay, well, what do you got?

A headache.
And I'm hungry, too.

BLUTMAN: Careful now.

Is that Caitlyn's dress?
BLUTMAN: Oh. Okay.
Got it there?

Oh, I was at the fitting.

It is an absolutely
beautiful gown.

Do you realize what
we're trying to do here?

You're right.
I was just...

You're Southern, sweetie.
It's not your fault.

ABIGAIL: We have to
figure out a way to bring

this entire wedding
to its knees.

And when we do,
it is not going to be pretty.

Okay, well, we might
need an actual plan.

(CAITLYN SCREAMING)

(EXCLAIMING)
Oh.

CAITLYN: No! No!

No, no, no,
no, no! Mother!

(CAITLYN EXCLAIMING)

No!

Oh! It's wrong,
it's all wrong!

Caitlyn, honey,
what's all wrong?
What's the matter?

Calm down.
Oh, I will not!

Those idiots,
they ruined it!

Look, look at it! See?
What? What am I
looking at?

Oh, God!
My mother is blind!

Look, blind Mother.
It's Summer Pearl.

And what did I order?
What color did I specify?

Burnished Eggshell!

It's true. I was there.
Burnished Eggshell.
It was lovely.

Are you kidding me?

It's ruined,
the wedding is ruined.

Oh, now, honeybelle,
we've got time.

We can fix it.
I'm gonna get on the phone
straightaway to Jean-Louis.

Oh, well, you better.

You promised me.

Every detail of this wedding
has to be exactly right.

I'm only marrying this guy
because of all the money
you went through.

I don't mind
a loveless marriage,

but I will not tolerate
anything less than
a perfect wedding.

If it is not
the wedding I want,

I am not walking down
your aisle. Period.

It'll be perfect, honeybelle.
It'll be perfectly perfect.

Man, it'd sure
be a shame if
anything happened

in the next couple
of days that would
make this wedding

less than perfect.
Mmm-hmm.

Ooh, I just
got chills.

Yes, is this the
florist in charge of
the McNabb wedding?

Who am I?
Caitlyn.
You can do Caitlyn.

Well, this is
Miss Caitlyn McNabb,
bride-to-be.

I would like to make
a few changes to my
floral arrangements...

I would never
order lilies.

Ever since I was
six years old...

Do you know what
they do to her?
Her eyes water.

And I get these
awful hives
all over my body.

Mother, I need my ointment!

Mother and I think
a white tent
is just so blah,

so I was wondering
if you had anything

a little bit more playful.

(GASPS) Yes, something
a little bit more
playful!

A dream bouncy
castle is not what
I dreamed about, Mother!

Where is my white tent?

We'll find it, baby,
we will find it.

Pop the damn thing,
Blutman! Pop it!

This is Olivia Warburton
from Bellefontaine.

Are you the woman in charge
of the ice sculptures
in my Caitlyn's wedding?

Mother!

What is it now?

What, honeybelle?

Is there some
little something
that they got wrong?

That's not so little.

This was supposed
to be a baby cupid,

not some
aroused sailor!

Maybe, uh,
the guests could hang
their umbrellas on him.

That's the biggest one
I've ever seen.

I can't do this anymore.

Honeybelle, breathe.

It'll be okay. Breathe.

Mama is gonna
take care of it, okay?

Breathe. Mama's gonna
take care of it.

(GASPS)

(SNICKERING)

Oh, my. Don't you girls
look just lovely.

Even you, Abigail.

Oh, Miss Olivia,
if you had wings,
you'd be an angel.

Hmm.

Or a nasty-ass dragon.

I heard that.
Mmm.

Everything's humming
along nicely, dear.

I've seen the new cherubs,
and they're as sweet as pie.

And the flowers!
Oh, the flowers.

Roses and roses
as far as the eye can see.

CAITLYN: What about the cake?

You know,
the one that says,

"Mazel tov, Bernie and Agnes,
on 50 fabulous years"?

Just a bad memory.

I'm not feeling happy, Mother.

The bride should be
happy the day
before her wedding.

(SNAPPING FINGERS)

More shoulders.
Yes, ma'am.

Relax, darling,
Mother has everything
under control.

Everything.

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

PARKER: Go, go, go, go!

Okay, okay.

I just heard them
talking. Caitlyn is so
completely frazzled!

Oh, then she's going
to go over the edge
when this happens.

Who wants
the honors?

Me, please?

Come on, Rachel,
come on.

Let's go, Rachel!

Who stole
your man, Rachel?

Take that,
you slut-bag man-stealer!

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL GASPING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

RACHEL: Oh, my God!

(ALL WHOOPING)

You see, Caitlyn,
as I suspected,

your dear old friends
have been behind
all of it.

Detective? I believe
we can hand this
over to you now.

Theft, destruction of
property, harassment,
malicious mischief.

Do you need more?
No, that's plenty.

Oh, and, by the way,

that dress was
just a decoy.

The real one
is safely locked away.

Okay, I gotta read
you all your rights now.

Wait!

Wait.

And you call
yourselves bridesmaids.

You're a disgrace
to the name

and not worthy
of the dresses you wear.

And after everything
I did for you.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

FEMALE OFFICER: Turn.

So, uh, we all thought
you groomsmen

were on like
this big canoe trip.

I couldn't get off work.

Wish I was
there, though.

FEMALE OFFICER: Next.

Hey, how you doing?

Can I get more of
a flattering light?

Thank you so much.

FEMALE OFFICER: Turn.

Don't judge us.
You don't know
the whole story.

Just stop talking
until you get a lawyer.

You're only gonna
make it worse for yourself.

We had to do something!

Stop. Please.

(CELL DOOR BUZZING)

(CELL DOOR OPENS)

Hey, Parker.

Oh, look, they're
gonna let us take
a picture together.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

You know, Miss Wald,
you're fully entitled
to an attorney here.

I know. But I'm not
arguing with you.

We did all of the things
you said that we did.

Plus a few more
things, actually.

Miss, you really wanna
wait for an attorney.

It was the right
thing to do!

Henry. You're
listening, right?

I can tell that
you're there.

Close.

What choice
did we have?

We found out that
Caitlyn's not pregnant.

She lied to Tony.
Tricked him.
How about that?

And why? Because
Miss Olivia ran out
of money,

and she doesn't want
to lose her big house

and ten closets
full of clothes.

Caitlyn doesn't even love
Tony! We heard her say it.

But Rachel...

Rachel does love Tony,

and he loves her
and you know that.

And the sham of a wedding
is gonna happen tomorrow

if somebody
doesn't stop it.

Come on, Henry.

This is about love.

Don't you care about love?

Oh, boy.

I kind of thought
you did.

I kind of thought

that's the guy you are.

Oh.

Do you know how much
I've been thinking about you
the past few days?

I'm so glad this glass
is here right now because

I would never have
the nerve to tell you
how I feel.

But for the past
couple of days,

I've been thinking
to myself,

"What if I didn't go back
to New York?

"What if I stuck around
here for a while?

"What would life be like
with a guy like Henry?"

Well, not a guy
like Henry.

Henry.

Um... Detective,

I'm thinking
this one's yours.

I kind of heard
everything you just said.
You're... You're very

persuasive.

And we could prove
everything, Henry.

I mean,
I even know how...
No. Not about that.

I mean, what you said
about me and you.

I am crossing so many
professional lines here.

That's because
you're a good person.

I need to be
a good cop.

But you believe
what I said, right?

About me and you,
or the other one?

I was kind of hoping both.

Where are we, Henry?

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

ABIGAIL: How'd
you do it? Hmm?

How'd you get Henry
to spring us?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, I know.

No, I did not.

Oh, but you would've.

Didn't come to that.

You so would've!

When did you and Henry
hook up?

We didn't. Yet.
Look, it's complicated.

Complicated? Hey,
your man's not marrying
somebody else in 24 hours.

Okay, bridesmaids,
we've been thinking small.

The time for girlie
little pranks is over.

No guts, no glory.
This is war!

True that.
You got any mustard?

Tomorrow,
we go in for the kill.

We eliminate
the most essential part
of this wedding.

The bride.

I guess we have to.
I know the estate pretty well.

There's a lot of good
places to bury the body
where they'll never find it.

Uh, Rach, "kill" is
just an expression.

Oh. Of course.

But look at the
shy one, all giddy
and ready for blood.

That is just adorable.

But if we don't kill her,
she'll just come back.

Not if we
do this right.

Don't worry about it.
That Gamma Kappa mama
is going down.

Who's in?

Let's do this!
(ALL CHEERING)

(PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

These are the three women
I told you about.

They may yet
try something else.

We cannot be too cautious.
Are your men armed, sir?

This is Louisiana, ma'am,
of course we are.

Good. Don't be afraid
to use them.

Oh, Reverend!

(BAD TO THE BONE PLAYING)

You ready,
Miss Olivia?

Out of my way,
Thinky Girls.

Oh, Caitlyn,
you look so gorgeous
in this dress.

Oh, I know.
Where's the veil?

Oh, um...
It's around.
Somewhere.

"It's around somewhere"?

Bitsy, do you know
why I asked you to be
my maid of honor?

I have no idea.

Find it.

Find it!

I look good.

Why are you two
loitering about?

Miss Olivia?

What are you looking at?

Am I the first person to fall
asleep in a tanning bed?
I think not.

You should be
looking out for
those three awful girls!

Now move.
Yes, ma'am.

Ma'am.

I don't know why you
think acting is so hard.

Try getting paid for it.
Hush, you!

Now or never.

Now.

Hey, honeybelle!
Ready for your big day?

(EXCLAIMS)

Mom!

(MUFFLED PROTESTS)

See? I don't really care
what you're saying.

(MUFFLED PROTESTS)

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

(MUFFLED SCREAM)

(THUD)

(GASPS)

(MUFFLED) Bitsy! Help me!

Wait a minute.

We better hurry.
Olivia's due up here
any second.

I know this isn't very
Gamma Kappa of me,
but I hate her guts!

Are you going to kill her?

No. They said no.

Oh.

(CAITLYN EXCLAIMS)

Are you gonna help?

I'm in heels.

Girls, come on.

OLIVIA: I swear, Charlotte,
half these people don't even
know how to dress.

Come upstairs.

(WHISPERS) Secret staircase.

Wow!

Ma'am.
Miss Olivia.

Mmm-hmm.

Come on.

Come on,
the coast is clear.
Come on.

That was handy.

This is a filthy and evil
rug! I want it nowhere
near my house today!

Move it along.
Thank you.

Oh!

Good luck.
Anything else you need?

Can you drive stick?

Hold on, cowgirls!
(TIRES SCREECHING)

ALL: Whoa!
BITSY: Sorry!

Y'all are so not
my friends anymore.

Oh, well, we still
like you. We even
brought you some iced tea.

Passion fruit.
Your favorite.
Drink some.

Why?

'Cause it's
really good.
See? Mmm.

No.

Drink the tea, Caitlyn!

No, thank you, Parker.

Gosh, Caitlyn,
they did a really
great job with your hair.

Duh.

Yeah, I really wish
I could have hair like you.

Do you want some?

(GASPING)

You wouldn't dare.

How much do you want?

Just a little bit
more than that.

There?
A little bit... Right.

Little bit more.
There?

Right there?
Yeah, perfect.

Okay! I'll drink
the damn tea.

Drink it.

Okay!

Bottoms up.

(MUTTERING)

(WOMAN CHATTERING ON PA)

This is more fun
than rush week.

Hi. We're here for
a pregnancy test.

Wait, what?
Yes, that's right!

We have an appointment.
McNabb, 4:00.
We're a little early.

Don't mind her.
She's a little nervous.
It's her big day.

You understand.

Uh, yeah. Room 7.
That way.

Thank you.

Somebody!
Call my mama!
Mama!

(MUFFLED) I'm not supposed
to be here!

(MUFFLED
SCREAMING)

The doctor will be
in with you shortly.

OLIVIA: Honeybelle.

(GASPS)

What is it?

My Obeson carpet.

Caitlyn, where is my carpet?

Caitlyn?

(GASPS)

Pee in the cup, Caitlyn.

Never.

Pee in the cup.

Jamais.
That's French.

Caitlyn, you're full of tea
up to your eyeballs.

You gotta go
sooner or later.

I can hold out for days.
I have the McNabb bladder.

And I know what you're up to.

What are we up to?

You think that...

(STAMMERS) You know...
Well, I'm not even going
to say what you think.

We have all day.
Mmm.

(GROANING)

Stop that! Girls!

(BOTH GIGGLING)

Stop.

Well, your
first mistake, Officer,
was releasing them.

Listen, they snuck
back in here
and stole my daughter!

Now you've got
to find them!

Bitsy's gone as well.

Oh, this is a disaster.

Those rotten girls
are out to ruin everything.

And after I practically
raised them.

I should've smothered them
in their little beds during
one of those sleepovers.

Hello, darling.
Hello.

Oh, you look lovely.
Just lovely.

(TAP WATER RUNNING)

PARKER: Niagara Falls.
All of the great, wondrous,

enormous flowing
bodies of water.

Whoosh.

Listen to that sound, Caitlyn.
Like a gurgling stream

building,
becoming stronger,

feeding into a mighty,
mighty waterfall.

(IN SINGSONG VOICE)
Not gonna work.

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

Oh, my God! Police!
Crap.

(LAUGHS) Well, well, ladies,
looks as if the cavalry
has arrived.

What is going on?
There are police cars
all over the parking lot.

Does this have something
to do with you?

Yes, sir, it does.
I'm being held captive
against my will.

No, she's not.

Well, I actually...
(DOOR SLAMS)

Here's what's gonna happen.
You're gonna pee,

and you're gonna test it!

(LAUGHS)

Caitlyn, I will
call that reporter
from Wedding Belles

and I will tell him exactly

how you got that
A-plus from Mr. Peterson
in Physics.

Oh, honey.
Five minutes well spent.

Oh.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

OFFICER ON LOUDSPEAKER:
This is the Lambert
Police Department.

We have the building
surrounded.

Release the bride
and come out.

What the heck
is going on here?

Abby, it's not gonna work.

But we did everything right.
It should've worked.

I'm so sorry, Rachel.

Y'all are pathetic.

You thought
you could trick me?

Make me
fill your little cup?

The police are going
to lock y'all up

while Tony and I
take a nice long
walk down the aisle.

Me and him
and all his family's money.

You don't love him.

What does love have
to do with marriage?

Marriage is an arrangement.

And I arranged
for Tony to believe
that I was pregnant.

Oh, my God.
How can you live
with yourself?

Well, in a big house.

With Tony and servants
and no little diapers
to change.

So, see, Caitlyn wins,
and y'all lose.

Like it's always been.

Like it always will be.

Wow.
That was wonderful.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Better than
I expected.

Can I cut now?
Sure.

OFFICER ON LOUDSPEAKER:
That's it, we're coming in!

There is a lot of us!

Relax, Henry, we cut.

How did we do?

We did great.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Good job, everybody.

(GROANS)

(VIOLIN TRIO PLAYING
BRIDAL MARCH)

(ALL MURMURING)

Wasn't that wonderful?

It just gets better
every time.

Play it again, boys.
Play it again.

(PLAYING BRIDAL MARCH)

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Upsy-daisy.

We're all here now!
Everything's fine!

(HUMMING BRIDAL MARCH)
Play it!

(VIOLIN TRIO PLAYING
BRIDAL MARCH)

Nice tux.

Would you like to show him
the tape, or should we?

(ALL MURMURING)

Uh...

Tony, um...

I have something
to tell you, and...

And it's horrible to say.

But, um...

These wicked, wicked girls
are about to show you
a tape filled with lies.

(CROWD GASPING)

They made me drink something,
God knows what,

and I started saying
the most outrageous things.

But you mustn't believe them.

No, no, no.
Let's just get married

and run off to one of
your many, many homes.

Right now.
Yeah, right now.

Tony-Bear.

Funny thing
about those homes.

As of yesterday,
we don't have them anymore.

(CROWD GASPING)

What are you talking about?
Of course you do.

As it turns out,
Dad's company was holding
some phony stock certificates.

The FCC just shut him down.

The family fortune's gone.

So I guess we'll just
have to raise this
little baby on a budget.

And I can do what
I've always wanted to do,

teach high school.
Oh, God.

Now, there might be
some lean years...

I'm sorry. "Lean years"?

(LAUGHING) Oh, no, see,

I can't marry "lean years."

What about the baby?

Oh, God.
There is no baby.
Grow up!

(CROWD GASPS)

I need a drink.

So we're not
getting married?

Honey,

does this look like the body
of a teacher's wife to you?

(ALL MURMURING)

(LAUGHING)

CAITLYN: What are you
looking at?

Oh! Oh!

(EXCLAIMS)

I guess we won't be
needing this.

No. No, no.

Oh, Tony. I'm so sorry
about what happened
to your family.

How about you?

Could you spend your life
with a schoolteacher?

No big wedding,
nothing very glamorous,
just you and me?

I couldn't imagine
anything more wonderful.

What are you doing?

(ALL GASPING)

Would you
marry me, Rachel?

Oh, so much.
Of course.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Oh, my God.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, sweetheart.
Yeah.

I do have some
bad news.

I kind of lied.
Oh.

Nobody lost any money.

I just said that
to Caitlyn to see
how she would take it.

You mean you're still rich?

You still interested?

Nobody's perfect.

Of course.

(CROWD EXCLAIMING)

(MAN WHISTLING)

Okay, okay,
okay, ready?

We could be
your bridesmaids.

We have a lot
of experience.

So it looks like
you might have to stick
around town a little while.

You'd like that,
wouldn't you?

Yeah.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

♪ Yeah ♪

ABIGAIL: Three months later,
we had our second
outing as bridesmaids.

And this time,
it was a lot more fun

because we were actually
rooting for the couple.

(MAN CHEERING)

♪ You can't find a reason
to think your world
will ever change ♪

You never saw anybody
happier than Rachel.

Hey, we're all
pretty happy these days.

Parker went back
to New York

and about a week later,
landed this incredible
new job.

Freeze, scumbag!

MAN 1: Cut.

WOMAN: Green sheets
for tomorrow.

MAN 2 ON LOUDSPEAKER:
Great job, everybody.

ABIGAIL: She got a major part
in a big action movie!

She came back
from Lambert a new person,

a totally transformed,
take-charge babe.

And she nailed
the first audition she got.

Aw, look at our little Parker,
a police sergeant.

Oh, and the best part?

They let her hire
her own consultant.

Nice gun action.
I had my hands up.

Henry takes the state
detective exam next week.

They are so cute together.

And you probably
heard about my news.

This whole Caitlyn plot
with the wedding
and the scheming,

and the sneaking, yeah,
it was so completely
ludicrous,

I figured there had
to be a book here.

So I banged it out,
changed a few names...

Third week on the
fiction bestseller list.
(GIGGLES)

Look for me
at a bookstore near you.

What? Oh, where did all
the ideas come from?

Right here.
You know,

it just flows out
of me constantly.

I can't stop it.

(INAUDIBLE)