All language subtitles for Bobs Burgers - 12x17 - The Spider House Rules.CAKES.English.HI.C.edit.Addic7ed.com

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
-- for www.addic7ed.com --

- Ow. Ow. Ow.
- Ow. Ow. Ow...

I never thought Andy would beat me

in the "leaping off the
bus stop bench" game,

but that was one hell of a leap.

I don't know about the "leaping
off the bus stop bench" game.

Andy almost broke his leg.

I didn't say he stuck the landing.

Wait, Ollie, you didn't skin your knee.

He hit my leg with a rock so
I could feel what he feels.

- You're welcome.
- Oh, hello, free mirror that someone

carelessly left on the
curb for children to find.

Okay, how are we smashing this?
Anyone got a bowling ball, or...

Maybe we could just use it to
make sure we're not vampires?

And we're not. Phew.

Maybe we could point the mirror
up and signal an airplane?

And then maybe we could become
friends with an airplane.

What? No. Come on, it's
a mirror made of glass.

And glass breaks!

I think Andy's had enough
excitement for one day.

I need time to recuperate
and center myself. And pee.

Also, there's the whole
"seven years bad luck" thing.

Seven years? That's the amount of time

- Brad Pitt spent in Tibet.
- Louise, why do you always want to do

the most dangerous things all the time?

Whoa, whoa. Smashing a
mirror is not dangerous.

It's called fun.

No? Just me?

I mean, I think it's great
that you love doing scary stuff

that... makes me shut my eyes and think

- "when will this be over?"
- Fine. This doesn't even look like

a good smashing mirror anyway,

so I'm just gonna leave it for the next

perfectly normal kid
who wants to smash it.

We'll figure out another way
to be friends with an airplane.

Hi. I'll take a beer.

Louise, no. We-we don't give her beer.

What's wrong, sweetie?
You have a rough day?

Is it school? Did you think
something had one answer

but then it had a different answer
and you were like, "What the heck?"

I'm fine. We just, you know,

found a perfectly good mirror
to smash on the way home

and everybody made me
feel weird about it.

Ooh, I love smashing a good mirror.

- Lin.
- Right. Playing with glass

isn't a good idea. You could get cut.

Yeah, you could get cut.
I thought that was part of the fun.

It's just, your fun

sometimes involves
things that terrify me?

(grunting, exclaiming)

What's your point? Look,
if I'm too cool and exciting

for people, then forget 'em.

They can just be boring
and do their boring stuff.

Louise, don't smash mirrors.
Because they don't deserve that.

I mean, they taunt you
every day, don't they?

They really do.

Louise, I guess smashing glass

can be a little off-putting
to some people, maybe.

But don't give up on those
people. I mean, you don't want

to end up like your father.
Without, you know, any friends.

- What? I have friends.
- No.

Dad has friends. Teddy...

I shouldn't have made that sound
like I was gonna have a list.

People come visit Dad in
the restaurant every day.

Right, sir?

- Um...
- Ignore them. Okay,

first of all, why is this about me now?

And second of all, I
have friends that aren't

paying customers. I just, you know,

lost touch with a bunch of them.

Back when I was a teenager.

Is it because there were
no telephones back then?

I'm gonna go in the kitchen.
Where everyone's nice to me.

I mean, the dishwasher doesn't like you.

I know.

LOUISE: Dumb super
smashable mirror. (scoffs)

I don't know why people
got so dumb about it.

Oh. Hey there, spider.

You're... in my room. On my loft bed.

But you know what? You're kind of

unconventionally cute. You
would tell me if you were

super venomous, right? Yeah,
you look like you would.

I like that about you.

See? Look at all the
friends I have in here. Jack.

Who's Jack? Probably
a really good friend.

Oh, I know who this
is. He dinged our car

- and never called me back.
- Aw, Jack.

Okay, this is ridiculous.
I have to have friends I see

that aren't Teddy and the people

that buy food from us. Oh, hey, Cliff.

Who's Cliff? I don't know
Cliff. It's a good name, though.

Hey, I'm going out with
Cliff. Back in a jiff. Ha.

I met him at a back-to-school night.

He was trying to organize a
basketball thing for the kids,

so we exchanged numbers.
I didn't have the heart

to tell him our kids don't do stuff.

Hey, Cliff, don't fall off
yourself. Ha. You can use that.

He seemed like a person that
I could do activities with.

- Is that what people say?
- Maybe don't open with that.

Should I text him? Is it too late?

It's never too late for Cliff.

Okay, I'll do it.
Wait, no, it's too late.

Oh, God, I just texted him the letter I.

- What do I do?
- Okay, gimme the phone.

(yawns) Hey, Spider, you're still here.

And you built a web? Impressive.

Borderline showing off, but I like it.

Hey, I was thinking, if
we're gonna be roommates,

I should probably give you a name.

How do you feel about Winona Spider?

Wait... Arachnaphoebe. Phoebe for short.

You don't really get
excited about things, do you?

That's all right. I
know it's a great name.

Morning, sweetie.

I need to get your dirty
laundry for the wash.

I don't know about you,
but I'm about to start

wearing my bathing suit
bottoms for underwear.

Ooh! Uh, okay. Uh, spider.
We got a spider, people.

Mom, no, it's okay.

Th-This is Phoebe.
Phoebe, this is my mom.

I know this is a little early to be

in the meeting-the-parents
phase, but here we are.

Did you say spider? Here,
Linda, I brought a paper towel.

Dad, are you making Mom
kill a bug for you again?

I'm not making her.
We just have our roles.

I bring a paper towel, and
your mom does everything else.

He doesn't like to get his
hands dirty. Like a mob boss.

Hey, the spider's
with me. We're friends.

It has a name. Arachnaphoebe.
Phoebe for short.

But never Pheebs. She hates that.

Now, can you holster
the paper towel, please?

Louise, we don't have
anything against Phoebe.

I'm sure she's great, but she's a spider

and they belong outside. Not
in our home. Where we live.

Yeah, and if they come
inside our home or restaurant,

then we kill them.
Lovingly. That's the contract

that we all agreed to.
Mostly us, not the bugs.

What about relocation?

- I hear outside is nice.
- Yeah, okay.

Uh, Louise, you want to tell
her she doesn't have to go home

but she can't stay here? Go get a cup.

A bottle of wine would be
a nice send-off gesture.

She's fine right here,
people. You're the ones who

came in here uninvited. I'm
not trapping you under a cup.

Sorry, kid. It's either
outside or one-way ticket

to paper towel town. Your choice.

And then I need everyone's laundry.

Also, everyone feel free
to learn how to do laundry.

Ugh. Okay, Phoebe. Pack your stuff.

You're too good for this place anyway.

And maybe she could tell
other spiders not to come here?

- In-in a nice way.
- No.

- Okay.
- (phone dings)

Oh, it's Cliff. He-he texted me back.

Cliff? That big red dog?

- He has your number?
- That's the guy your dad's

- trying to be friends with.
- I mean, we're already friends.

Kind of. I was gonna ask
him if he wants to hang out.

Wait, you're asking a guy
out? To prom? Dad prom?

What's the theme this year... khakis?

It's not dad prom.
It's casual, and also,

I'm getting pretty good at texting.

I just make sure your mother
looks at all of them first.

Mom, you want to run them by me?

And then Tina can run them by me

and then I'll run them
up through corporate.

Okay, Phoebe. Out into the world

you go to seek your
fortune. Try to avoid

the cars and all the
bikes and people's feet.

God, do people always walk so hard?

Okay, you know, let's go
look in other neighborhoods.

I mean, yes, it's our stinky dumpster,

but at least you won't get trampled.

Spiders can't die of smell, can they?

I mean, if so, I'm sure our house

would have killed you already.

All right. So long, Phoebe.

And hey, don't let anybody
tell you spiders are bad.

I think you're delightful.

Well, I'll let you get going.

Goodbye.

Go on, Phoebe. Get. You
got to find cover, pal.

You can't just hang out
there, a bird could get you.

Or... I don't know what eats spiders.

A spider monkey?

Don't look at me like that.

What? What do you want me to do?

(sighs) Okay. New plan.

We're gonna sneak back into the house.

And no one needs to know, because

this is just a me-and-you thing.

We're gonna stick
together. (chuckles) Stick.

It's funny because you're a spider

and you make the sticky
stuff. Look, Phoebe,

if we're gonna be friends, you're gonna

have to start laughing at my jokes.

Okay, Phoebe. I know it's
not what you're used to,

being stuck in a box,
but I need to keep this

living arrangement under
wraps because of the whole

"spiders aren't supposed
to be in the house" thing.

Also, I hope the twigs
are to your liking.

I picked out the ones that
looked the best for climbing

or just casual lounging.

Are you hungry? You look hungry.

I'll get you something to eat.

But what do you eat? Do you like chips?

Everyone likes chips.
Fine, I'll look it up.

Don't yell at me.

Okay, a little secret
online spider research

while everyone's down
in the restaurant. Hmm.

"House spiders, like many
spiders, prefer live prey"?

Okay. No judgment.

I'll just look for the
prey that have it coming.

Would you guys want to go
to my menu-wiping seminar

called "It's Men-You, Not Men-Me"?

- Oh.
-Yes. - No.

Okay, uh, taking out the trash.

Totally normal part of my job.

Someone's on the ball today.

Kinda jealous I didn't
get to do it first.

Louise, hold on a sec.
That bag's half empty.

Some people might think that,
Mom. But I'm an optimist.

So, to me, it's half full.

Of dreams and rotten food.

And we don't want it
to attract bugs, do we?

(stilted laughing) Okay,
anyways, don't wait up.

- All right.
- (phone dings)

It's Cliff. He said he'd
love to hang out sometime.

Ooh, he likes you.

Did you tell him the
Cliff joke I told you?

Tell him you're busy. Then
say, "I'll check my schedule

and try to make it work.
No promises, though."

Or tell him you're gonna
pick him up on your motorcycle

in five, then get your ass a motorcycle!

Look at you, middle-aged buddies.

You two gonna talk about documentaries

and how many times you
get up at night to pee?

- (chuckles)
- (phone dings)

Oh. Cliff just added me to a group chat

with some other dads from school

that hang out together sometimes.

- (phone dinging)
- Wow, he moves fast.

Two of the guys just
welcomed me to the chat.

Thanks. Hi, guys.

Someone's the belle of the ball.

(chuckles) One of them just wrote,

"Just a bunch of dads to the bone."

I'm gonna write something funny back.

Um, Dad Boys II. Like the movie?

- Oh, God, can I delete?
- (phone dings)

Oh, no, wait, one of them laughed.

- Oh, thank God.
- (phone dinging)

- (entry bells jingle)
- Whoa, someone's getting some texts.

Dad's in a group chat with
Cliff and some other cute boys.

I mean, they may be cute, we
don't know. And they're men.

Bob's on a group chat with
people? Like, friend people?

That's great. That's nice, that's great.

Bob's trying to make a
friend that's not a customer.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Customers
can be friends. Best friends.

But hey, you want me to
stop coming in here to eat?

Is that what you want? I'll stop.

If that's what it takes
for our friendship.

Just make me, like, 200
burgers and I'll never

step in here again.
Unless it's in disguise.

It's okay, Teddy. We're-we're friends.

Huh, what's taking Louise
so long with the trash?

Tina, Gene, you want
to check on your sister?

Okay. Hopefully, she didn't accidentally

fall in the dumpster while
throwing the trash out,

which has never, ever happened to me.

- (phone continues dinging)
- Maybe switch it to vibrate, Bob?

Just kinda rubbing it in, eh?

Ugh. Come on, flies. Let me catch you.

I'm totally not gonna
feed you to my spider.

- Louise, what are you doing?
- Oh! Nothing.

Just, uh, throwing out the trash.

And, uh, trying to
catch flies and put them

in this Tupperware thing, because

that's always been a hobby of mine.

Okay, listen. I didn't let Phoebe go.

I hid her in a shoebox
in my room and now

I got to feed her since she
can't catch her own food.

Who rescued who, am I right?

Yeah, so, uh, if you
help me catch some bugs,

I'll let you watch me feed her.

- 'Cause she eats live bugs.
- (gags)

I mean, she doesn't
eat live bugs. She does.

- (gags)
- Come on, if you guys

had a secret spider,
I'd help you feed it.

Didn't we always
promise each other that?

I thought it was a secret
alien robot agreement.

I guess that was very
specific to The Iron Giant.

(sighs) I guess I'll help.

Me too. Flies usually
land on me, eventually.

Hey, Phoebe. How's it hanging?

You know, like hanging from
your web? Little spider humor.

So, Gene and Tina are here.

- Hi.
- Hello there.

LOUISE: We caught you
some flies for dinner.

- Tina, want to do the honors?
- Uh, not really?

Also, I don't know how
we're gonna get them

out of the container
without them flying away.

Tell them they won a free
night in a fancy shoebox resort.

But they have to listen to a
presentation about a time-share.

I think we just shake the
container and dump them in.

I'll do it. Shake, shake,
shake. And bon appétit.

Oh, it looks like she's
wrapping it in a little blanket

to keep it warm. And, oh, she's
giving it a kiss. Nope. (gags)

Does this make us
accomplices to murder?

Now I'll never be able
to run for Congress!

(phone dings)

You've been getting
so many text messages

your little phone's gonna be sore.

(sighs) I feel like this is
more than I talk to, like,

you guys. But I don't
want to go silent, right?

I'm just gonna say "ha-ha"
and hope that works.

- (phone dings)
- Oh. Teddy's texting me.

He won't be in tomorrow
for lunch because he bought

a bunch of sandwich stuff and he's gonna

"try this making sandwiches thing."

He's not gonna get it right away,

but tell him to stick with it.

- (phone dings)
- Hey. Cliff just invited me

to hang out with them tonight.

Whoa. That's short notice, but I think

- I can get you ready.
- (buzzing in distance)

Okay, there's the dryer. Laundry's done.

Everyone's gets getting
clean sheets tonight.

Won't that be weird? Louise,
I'm gonna start in your room

and you get to help because
of your wonderful loft bed.

That makes changing sheets so easy.

No, no, no, no, no,
don't go in there. Uh...

I can do it. I want to
do it. I should learn,

in case you and Dad die.

Which you will, I assume, one day.

Never! We'll get them
to start taking echinacea

and they'll live forever.

Okay, yup... No, that's not working.

What about... Nah. Nope.

Yeah. (scoffs) I'm not doing this.

It'll be fine. Who needs sheets? Okay,

goodnight, Phoebe... Oh, no. No, no, no.

Where'd she go? Where'd
she go, where'd she go?

- Uh-oh. Phoebe's missing?
- Smart money says the flies did it.

Ugh, Phoebe. Why didn't
you stay in the box?

You mean the shoebox you
trapped a wild spider in?

- Yeah, I don't know.
- What's Phoebe's problem?

That's one of the top
three boxes we have.

Okay, she has a belly full of
flies, so she can't be moving

too fast. Hopefully she hasn't
made it to the living room,

'cause Mom and Dad are in
there watching that show

about England. I think
it's called Queen Time.

Yeah, seems like Dad's stalling.

He's nervous about his dad date.

Of course he's nervous. It's Cliff.

Okay, she's not in here. Fan out.

Gene, you go that way.
Tina, you go that way.

I'll go this way. Watch your step.

And if you see her, let's have a signal.

Say "along came a hmm-hmm."

Ding-dong? Oh, right. Spider.

So, are you, uh, going
out tonight or what? Or no?

Yeah. I'll-I'll probably go.

They're-they're out, at a
place, so they're already there.

I can just show up late,
you know? Or-or really late.

Yeah, I'm just gearing up
to, you know, put shoes on

and then I'll pick an outfit.
It's part of my process.

Of hanging out. With-with friends.

Yeah, sounds like you do it a lot.

And I think it's fine you didn't shower.

What? (sniffs) Oh. Oh, boy.

Yeah, it doesn't matter. They're
dads. They probably smell, too.

Maybe it'll be a nice icebreaker.

(sniffs) This one smells really bad.
(sniffs) This one's okay.

Maybe I can just angle my
body this way all night?

- You can start that now.
- Mm.

I'm kidding, I'm
kidding. I'm used to it.

I just try not to breathe so much.

Ugh. So, we didn't find her. That means

she's either in the living
room or in Mom and Dad's room.

You guys got to get
Mom and Dad out of there

so I can look for her.
Tina, you take Mom.

Gene, you take Dad. Get 'em into
your rooms and keep 'em there.

Uh, okay. I can do that. No problem.

I'll just tell Mom we're
looking for a spider?

No, no. Don't tell her that.
Tell her anything but that.

Right, right. Sorry.

I'll tell Dad I want to
have "the talk" with him.

The talk about my ingrown toenail

and just toe health in general.

Wow, you agreed to come in
here and talk to me really fast.

Well, it's not because
I don't want to go out

with the other dads,
because I definitely do.

Okay, good to know.

So, w-what did you want to talk about?

Um, how do you feel
about ingrown toenails?

I mean, I have them.

Okay, follow-up question:

- what should we talk about next?
- (phone dings)

(sighs) Uh, I guess I've
put this off long enough.

They're waiting for me at the bar.

You sound really into it.
I'm excited to grow up.

- I better go get dressed.
- In your room? No!

Uh, I mean, you want to
borrow something of mine?

What kind of look are you going for...

Bahama Tommy or rhinestone cowboy?

Oh. I-I wasn't thinking about a look.

I was just gonna put on shoes
and maybe change my shirt.

Your mother said things that
make me think I should change.

No! Don't change your
shirt. Let me smell. (sniffs)

Ooh, that's bold. It's like
your sweat started sweating.

Ugh, no spider.

All right. Mom and Dad's
room. Maybe Phoebe likes

middle-aged bras and
dandruff all over the place.

So I'm happy we moved over
here to talk about stuff.

Leaning against the
bookshelf was a weird idea,

but it was good we tried.

Yeah, I like to try things.

So, uh, how, uh, was your day?

Eh, it was good. Although
I did have a sneeze

where I farted a little,
and I think a customer heard.

Wow, let's talk about
that. What happened next?

Tina, honey, didn't you have something

you wanted to talk about?

No, this seems much more important now.

So, uh, you talk. More. Please.

Okay. Well, I farted.

Uh-huh.

And I-I tried to cover
it up with a cough,

- but that made me fart again.
- Then what did you do?

I looked over to see if she was
looking at me, and-and she was.

(gasps) Didn't see that coming.
(weak chuckle) Keep-keep going.

So, I grabbed the trash can
and I started dragging it around

on the floor so it'd make
a fart sound, so she'd think

it was the trash can and
not me. But it wouldn't make

the right sound, so I had to fart again

and then blame it on the trash can.

That's so smart.

Okay, enough about me. Your turn.

I don't even know if I can follow that.

Um, should we take a few more
minutes to unpack your story?

So, there you were, farting and
dragging a trash can around...

Ugh, I give up. Wherever you are Phoebe,

I hope there are plenty
of bugs for you to murder.

No way. Phoebe! I found you!

BOB: Wait, Phoebe?

- Phoebe the spider?
- Oh, hi, Dad.

No, Phoebe from Friends.
I see her everywhere.

- Louise.
- (sighs)

Okay, fine. I kind of
didn't take her outside

and she's been living
in my room in a box.

Until now. Now she's living in your bed.

- Oh, my God.
- LINDA: What? What's going on?

Louise's spider is
living in our headboard.

Who, Phoebe?

- Louise, Mom... is here.
- Hi, Mom.

Dad, why won't you
let me brush your back?

The other dads will love it.

Any chance you guys enjoy
sleeping with spiders

over your head? No? Okay. Phoebe,

Charlotte's Web time.
Spell something fun.

"Terrific parents." Go.

Give her a second.

Louise, why didn't you take
Phoebe outside yesterday?

I tried, but it wasn't safe
out there. I couldn't do it.

The world's too dangerous for
a fresh-faced kid like Phoebe.

She's not ready for the bright lights.

She will be. One day.

Louise, sweetie, we're
gonna have to get the spider

out of there somehow. It might
be nice or it might not be nice,

but we got to do it. I'm sorry, baby.

No, no, no, no. It's okay.
I'll-I'll do it. I-I got it.

It's fine. I'll get her out of there.

And I'll take her back to her box,

and we'll all be happy
and we'll eat live flies...

Some of us... and we'll
be this cool blended family

that everybody's jealous of.

Come on, Phoebe. Ugh! I can't get her.

Oh, we're gonna get her. Because I sleep

right under there, Louise.

And I know you like
her, but I don't like her

as much as you do. And I don't want her

to crawl on my face or go into my mouth.

Or ears, nose, throat...
All the openings.

- That's not all of them.
- Gene.

Okay, uh, what if you guys
just sleep in my room with me

and this is Phoebe's room now?

I'd be open to roommates.
We could split the utilities.

I'm sorry, sweetie,
that's not gonna work.

It's not fair. Everyone thinks
Phoebe is this scary spider.

And, yeah, maybe she's a
little dangerous, but not much.

She's just trying to live
her life. But that doesn't

make her weird or bad.
Does it? I mean, does it?

Are we still talking about Phoebe?

- I can't tell.
- Louise, are we possibly

talking about you now?

What? I don't know. Maybe.

Oh, honey. Come here. Come on.

You know all that
so-called dangerous stuff?

That's a part of who you
are. But don't let anyone

make you feel like it's all you are.

You're also thoughtful
and kind and imaginative.

Part of the big, crazy mix that

- makes Louise Louise.
- Your mom's right.

You are a little bit of a risk
taker, maybe, compared to some,

but it's one of the things
that makes you interesting.

And it's not like it's hurting anyone.

I mean, you know, every once in a while,

but probably not on purpose. That much.

Right. But, Louise,

you're adventurous, and in another time,

you might have been a-a, uh, a pirate.

Uh, a nice pirate. Or a fun bootlegger.

Ooh, bootlegger.

Anyway, we're all glad
you are who you are.

Well, that's... Thanks, guys.

I like the pirate part.
That was a nice touch.

So, what should we do about Phoebe?

Please let this work.
Please let this work.

- Please let this work.
- LOUISE: Got her!

- Oh! - Oh, thank God.
- TINA and GENE: Yay!

Aw, Bob. It's late. Are your dad friends

still waiting for you?

Eh, it's fine. I'd rather be
doing this. Honestly, you guys

are the only people I
really like to hang out with.

Don't tell Teddy I said that.

So, we're your only friends.
Which is not sad at all.

But, like, who's your
best friend? Don't say Mom.

You're all equal. But Phoebe the least.

But just because I
don't know her that well.

Okay, Phoebe and I are going to bed.

- We'll see you all upon the morrow.
- Louise.

Not that your box isn't
really nice with all the twigs

and stuff, but I don't think
Phoebe likes it in there.

She did escape.

We've been through this.
I'm not taking her outside.

She's a house spider. I looked it up.

They gave themselves
that name for a reason.

I-I think I know a place
where she'll be happy.

This is a great idea.

She's gonna eat so
many flies for you, Dad.

Yup. I'm really, really glad
that we'll be working together.

She's not family, so you
might have to pay her.

And I'm kind of taking
care of her finances

while she gets on her
feet. So, you can pay me.

Yeah sure, okay,
we'll talk about that.

- (phone dings)
- Oh, it's Teddy.

He says, "I'm sorry. The
sandwich was a disaster."

There was blood everywhere.
It's okay now, but, uh,

I'm gonna come into
the restaurant tomorrow.

It's just easier to hang
out at the restaurant because

that's where you work.
And it's where I eat.

I know it's late but, I-I
need you to text me back.

Tonight. Now. And send.

(phone dings)

"Sounds good." Yes! We're back, baby!

Ow. Ow. Oh, boy, that's bleeding again.

♪ Me and my spider, I'm
stronger beside her ♪

♪ Just can't deny that
we're two of a kind ♪

♪ The world doesn't get
us, it tries to correct us ♪

♪ But that's okay because
we'll leave it behind ♪

♪ You've caught me in your web ♪

♪ And there's no word
that can describe ♪

♪ The feeling when I
look in all your eyes ♪

♪ Little Phoebe ♪

♪ I want to spend my life
catching your flies. ♪

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
-- for www.addic7ed.com --