Original subtitles

[radio beeps]

[distant chatter]

[Tony] Are you sure you don't want more water?

[Dylan] Yeah.

[Tony] I've got cotton mouth [chuckles]

[Tony] I'm glad it's not me up there, this is why it's you up there.

[Dylan] C'mon, just a touch.

[Warren] Now, tell me about the suit again.

- Well you said Ranger. - Yes.

So I thought South African game park ranger.

Okay, great choice, but you know, you're just going to be standing there,

holding the koala, yeah?

Well, yeah, up there. But in here I need to believe...

- Okay, Schrewsbury you're on. - Give us a minute.

I expect to be hearing back from Home and Away this afternoon.

I am hearing it is down to just you and one other.

- Okay, come. - One other?

Yes. That's right.

And today you're on television standing next to Karl Stefanovic.

Yeah, I a bit nervous about Karl, to be honest.

- Why? - Well, he's not an actor. I'm an actor.

[Warren] Well, in a sense.

But Karl is showbiz, that's bigger than an actor.

[stage manager] You're on with Ranger Mindy after the break.

You're gonna be amazing.

I can already tell you're going to be big star.

Oh. Thanks, Mindy.

Yeah, sometimes I get a bit nervous...

I was talking to Blinky.

And it's Ranger Mindy, fuckface.

[stage manager] Okay, we're back in 15.

Karl, it's a one-on-one with you and Mindy.

You have the ball.

Sorry. I thought I was doing the one-on-one with Ranger Mindy.

Josie, look...

Ranger Mindy and I thought, to be honest,

that the banter would be better between her and I.

And that's all it is. So, I'll try and involve you.

By the way, you look absolutely magnificent.

What are you... The look you're going for, is it kill-a-lion kind of thing or what?

Yeah. Thanks, Karl.

I was kind of going for a South African kind of poacher.

One thing. Just never this and never that.

Don't look Karl in the eye, use his name or talk to him directly.

And also, I don't know much about much,

but if you're going to come on set with a knife...

Get the knife out, bro.

- That's it. Out a little... - Whoa!

Yeah, that's it. Perfect. All right.

That's a much better look. Thank you.

[stage manager] And five, four, three...

[Koala grunts]

Welcome back to the show. It's quarter past nine now.

Wonderful to have your company.

It's Karl, and with Karl is Jilly...

- Julie Jus... - Josie.

- [Karl] Josie Justice. - [koala chomps]

[screams]

- [Dylan screams] - Oh, my God!

[stunned silence]

Ah... Tim's got the weather now.

Let's... let's go to Tim now. Morning, Timmy.

[Dylan shrieks]

- Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! - [machine gun firing]

Fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

[Bustard] Fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! [gun fire continues]

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! [yelling fades]

He took that pretty well.

Well, he didn't kill you.

I thought for sure he was gonna kill us.

- No, he's going to kill you. - Mm.

I actually think he was pretty into it.

You know, up until we went off script.

God, humans are fascinating creatures.

What I thought he was saying was that

he hated everything that we came up with.

I thought the Yankee Doodle dickhead was pretty awesome.

Yeah, I think that's why he's raced off.

I think he feels triggered by being tricked.

We tricked him accident...

Guys, guys! Why are we talking about what didn't work?

Right? We bought ourselves a little bit of time.

We need to do something...

Something significantly better than what we just showed him.

Like what?

Mamalo, did we record that last rehearsal?

Yes.

Up until when the American hit me with the TV.

Perfect! Okay, that's great.

Okay, so Phil, you will re-edit that footage

you know, with... with... with Bustard's notes.

- Uh-huh. - Let's climb from here.

No daughter stuff for me.

And you two... You win right at the very end, huh?

We're showing that plus a... plus a bunch of other crazy shit.

You know, we... we wow him!

We know what he likes now.

Let's give it to him.

Like the algorithm on the ‘Gram.

Don't know what that means, but yes and...

We are all in this together now.

We need all hands on deck.

Best idea wins. We need content.

- Yeah. - And we need focus.

[Phil] Faking a hostage video.

[all chuckling]

Oh.

- [Shammi] It's you. - [Albhanis] It's us.

- [Dylan] That's our video. - [Rowdy] Click on it, click on it.

Give it up, folks.

Do not waste your time

because it's just another false flag operation

from the globalist elite.

Just like the gay bomb they tested in the Sierra Madre last winter

that created all of the gay frogs.

And now, we are thick with gay frogs.

They're a dime a dozen.

Rosedale,

The Chaise Lounge Club, all of 'em, State actors,

but now...

Now, they're not even hiding it.

This...

is an actor, folks.

One Dylan Shrewsbury.

[Albhanis] What? What... Shrewsbury?

[Axel] This is a goblin's nest, folks.

These consciousness level up seeking

child-sacrificing, paedophile-ring, goblin-globalists

are trying to suppress the truth.

But they will not stop freedom.

- Because humanity is awakening. - [smacks table]

We are the tip of the spear.

You've got to resist the mainstream.

We've got 183,000 views.

What? 183,000?

- Look at this shit. - [Phil] Whoa!

"I'd suck all their dicks."

Damn right, you would, Shammi.

[all laughing]

Rowdy!

Apologise. Now.

[Rowdy] Why? What for?

It was a joke. Come on. Shammi thought it was funny.

[sniffs]

It wasn't funny, Rowdy.

It was inappropriate.

Apologise.

- Now! - All right, fine!

I'm sorry, Shammi. Okay? You happy?

Everybody's... Can we get back to work please? Okay?

Can you keep... What else are they saying?

Come on!

[Albhanis gasps]

I'm hashtag hot soldier.

It's not all hashtag hot soldier. Now, settle down. Keep scrolling, Phil.

- Oh, wait, wait. - Who is to say...

Well, I think it is real.

I mean, I've seen the daughter's GoFundMe page.

It looks very legit.

It looks like it was designed by a five-year-old.

[mouse clicking]

[Rowdy gasps]

[melancholy music plays]

It's working.

[all chuckle softly]

Okay, let go of the mouse.

Okay, I need to...

I need set up an Instagram, a Snapchat and a TikTok and Facebook

for #HotSoldier ASAP.

Okay, this shit is gonna blow up and we need to capitalise.

Rocket ship time. [imitates rocket sound]

It won't be if this fucker keeps saying we're fake.

We need the Internet to believe that you guys kidnapped us

and are holding us hostage.

We did kidnap you.

And we are holding you hostage.

Yes, Mamalo. We know that,

but this guy doesn't.

We can't let this become the narrative.

We need to show them how much trouble we're in.

And how are we going to do that?

Torture.

[all exclaim] Yeah!

Watch and learn.

That is a great collar on that jacket, Colonel.

Is that from a Dickfur?

What's a Dickfur?

It's for peeing with. [chuckles]

I thought you were gonna be here.

I am here.

I mean in person.

Uh-oh. Now, I'm here.

Or here. Or maybe I'm here.

You wanted something, Ambassador?

Who is that?

She's nobody. Just my note taker.

Well, take note of this.

We don't want to step on your toes.

Operationally, we're dance partners.

But we lead the fucking dance.

So, what's the story with your four boys that are over there in Behati-Prinsloo?

Well, they're not our boys, Sir.

They're probably just four drunk tourists from a bachelor party

who have wandered too deep into the woods.

Oh, we know they're your boys.

And we know who's got them, and we know what they want from them.

They are an offshoot from the rebellion, La Nectar they're called.

We can tell you anything you want to know about these clowns.

We can even give you the IP address

on the computer they used to upload the video.

What we don't know is what the fuck

four Australian soldiers are doing there in the first place.

And what we'd really like to know is

what is your reaction going to be

when tomorrow we flatten the place with a bunker buster bomb.

The PM is keen to avoid any loud bumps in the night in Behati-Prinsloo.

We've got it all under control.

Understood.

So get your boys out of there.

Because if we hear any noise from them in 24 hours,

we're going to drone strike the fuck out of them.

["Empty Promises" playing]

♪ Listen to the words I'll say ♪

♪ Now it's time I walked away ♪

♪ Tired of the games we play ♪

What the fuck is this?

[music stops]

Where's the rest of it?

This is just you... looking awesome.

It's torture, Rowdy.

When have you ever seen a slow-motion torture video?

Baz Luhrmann's Australia.

No, no. It needs to be heart-wrenching, Cap. Like, beautiful.

People are just gonna wank to this.

Well, we don't want people to wank over us.

We need them to worry about us.

You really think people are going to wank to this?

- Yes. - See?

- People will wank to this. - [Albhanis] No, this is good.

Now, I can put on my #hotsoldier OnlyFans page.

We are not doing OnlyFans.

No, I'm doing it for you.

Why do you think I got the soldier on the Facebook

and then like BigBhanis11 on Insta?

It's so I can put your daughter's link up.

We are not doing OnlyFans, Albhanis!

Yes, and Rowdy, because that is the tip of the iceberg,

'cause after that we do POW workout videos. Huh?

No, no, no, no, no. We're not doing workout videos.

We need to start thinking of ourselves as movie stars.

All right? We do what they do.

Who's the biggest movie star in the world?

The Rock.

No, not the biggest movie star in the world.

The biggest movie star in the world.

Yeah, Dwayne's Johnson, by far.

Yeah, definitely, I'd say, by a long way.

[shakily] How did The Rock become the biggest movie star in the world?

By doing the workout videos.

Chris Hemsworth, workout video.

Vin Diesel, workout videos, Cap.

We need to be thinking of something very small.

Our internet dongle only takes one gigabyte... one gigabyte per day.

All right. Okay, so we're not doing fucking workout videos.

Get that out of your head.

What we need... Get off him, by the way.

What we need to do is think of something that will...

that will really get to the director's heart.

And there's nothing more compelling than a tortured artist.

Oh.

[Lieutenant Pete on video] I did not hit her.

She tripped.

Holy... You sure you're okay, Shammi?

Mm-hm.

[Lieutenant Pete on video] That's a promise.

Can I... Can I just... Um.

Could... Could I?

- Um. - Hm.

'Cause I was thinking if we move forward a bit to when he gets outside the door...

- Hm. - We could add in some combat sounds there.

There's no one behind the door, that's the problem.

Oh, yeah, but nobody knows that.

See, they only know what the camera shows them.

In... in our world, there are guards outside the door.

And that's the power of visual storytelling,

is whatever we focus on,

whatever we show them, that's what they're going to believe.

[soft music plays]

And then we just add a bit of an underscore

and... and build the moment.

[background music intensifies]

And then, we just... add in some sounds of combat outside the door.

- Like a gun shot? - Like a gun shot, yeah. Or two.

[gunshots fire]

Then we get Cap to lay down some American screams and...

[Wilhelm scream plays]

Boom.

Lieutenant Pete never got away.

[satirises "In The Name Of The Father] I'm an innocent man.

Spent 15 years in prison for something I didn't do.

My dad died in prison for something I didn't do.

Ah, for fuck's sake, Cap. Enough.

I'll do There Will Be Blood.

- I've abandoned my boy. - [Rowdy] No, no!

I've abandoned my child!

Enough!, Enough!

I've been through some shit, mate.

I've been beaten down.

I've been broken. I've been arrested.

I have been discharged.

My wife has left me.

I've been kidnapped, left for dead.

My daughter is dying of a congenital fucking heart disease.

And none of these things has ever made me want to kill myself

as much as watching you do Daniel fucking Day-Lewis impressions!

Rowdy, they have to feel our pain.

- I'll do My Left Foot. - [Rowdy] No!

No, no, no!

What they need to see is something real.

Not torture porn.

Not tortured artist.

Actual fucking torture!

[gasping]

[Josie] Can't we just apologise to the viewers?

[crying] What about Blinky? Who's gonna apologise to him?

[Josie] I'm... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...

I mean, of course, we're devastated for Blinky.

Just... Just pipe down, Josie. Pipe it!

Okay, you know, this... this wouldn't have happened

if I was doing the koala piece, Karl.

[crying] Do you see what you've done, you dick.

You've killed Blinky, you're a fucking murderer!

[Josie] Okay. Mindy, it's okay.

It's okay. Just lay off him. Come on, he's traumatised.

He clearly didn't mean to do it.

And you know, actually it was Karl who told him to take out the knife.

- Sorry. Who are you? - Exactly.

My ballerina possum videos get two million fucking views.

Karl eats a California Reaper chilli and gets two million fucking views, too.

What the fuck do you do?

You're the girl who sits next to Karl and does nothing.

That's all you are. That's all you'll ever be.

You're lucky to be here, so keep your shitty opinions to yourself.

That's right. Just take five, Josie.

Oh, fuck off, Karl!

And fuck you, Ranger Mindy, you little cunt.

All right. Ah, coming up next.

We've got the great cash giveaway,

how you can win, and a weekend getaway.

- At beautiful Rottnest Island. - [Ranger Mindy crying]

- Get up close and personal with a Quokka. - Blinky.

[Jemima] Hey, Josie. Are you rolling?

Uh, no, no, you can come in, it's fine.

And you are live with Josie Justice.

[Jemima] Jesus, turn it off, Jose!

You know I need to remain anonymous.

No, you do not. Come out, it's fine.

There's like, zero people watching.

[Jemima] Dude, turn it off!

Okay. Relax. Okay, okay.

Okay, it's off. It's off.

- [Jemima] Are you sure? - [Josie] Yes. You're safe.

You can come out now.

Do you seriously have zero viewers?

Yep.

[Jemima whispers] Sorry.

Did you check out our boys on the internet?

Yeah.

[Jemima] So, you're going to do a story then?

- No, I'm not gonna do the story. - Why are you not gonna do a story?

Because they're fake, Jemima.

One of those soldiers

is Dylan "I stabbed a koala in the fucking face" Shrewsbury.

Okay? The internet is not a library.

It doesn't have a fiction and a non-fiction section, Jem.

- You need to use your brain. - [Jemima] You know what?

Fuck your libraries and your research.

How'd you like the IP address of the P.O.W. camp?

Hey.

What the hell are you guys doing here?

You weren't here when I came in?

[clicking sounds]

No, is that a... is that a gun? [grunts]

[Phil continues grunting]

Now I'll never escape this prisoner of war camp.

Bang, bang, ah!

[continues grunting]

[groans softly]

What do you think?

I think it sounds like you.

Yeah. I'll get Cap to re-record this dialogue

with a proper American accent.

This is what they call a guide.

Have you heard Cap's Matthew McConaughey?

It's flawless.

[muffled camera noise]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Please, wait a minute.

Well, come on, Rowdy, it's your idea.

No, it's just that I... I can see it in my mind.

It feels like it's...

It feels like it's already happening for real.

That's... That's all.

[Rowdy breathing heavily]

Oh, what? Look, I'm just nervous.

I'm just... I'm simply, I'm nervous

about what we're going to do once it comes off. That's all.

I mean, do you have any antiseptic or... or...

like, Neosporin, Dettol?

Anything like that? Maybe some Voltaren gel?

I'll take Voltaren gel or Panadol Forte, if you've got some.

Ah, Steel wool, two band-aids and an old pen.

That's not a medical kit!

[breathes heavily]

Oh, okay. Fuck it. Let's go.

You know what? Fuck it. Let's do it.

Come on, let's do it. Let's do it. Come on.

Let's roll. Roll. Okay.

[intense music plays]

[nail crunches] [Rowdy screams]

Get me the band-aid! [Dylan retches]

[Albhanis] Oh, that's sick.

Get me the band-aid!

[news jingle plays]

Drama in Hollywood tonight,

as it is believed disgraced activist

and two-time Academy Award winning actor

Sean Penn's NGO, Core, is on the brink of bankruptcy.

After Penn's disastrous appearance on Australian breakfast television,

fundraising has halted to a stop

and most private investors have abandoned Core

and renounced their relationship with Penn

in an effort to distance themselves

from America's most famous dancing clown.

[news jingle plays]

Yeah. [chuckles]

Come on, let's see how high you can jump.

No, I'd rather not, sir, on the account of my knee.

- Your knees are fine. Just a little jump. - I'm not gonna jump.

Well, if you don't jump, I'm gonna have to mark it at the top of your hand.

Well, you can mark me wherever you want, but I'm not gonna jump.

I'm gonna mark you at Howard then.

I can jump way higher than that.

[Morricone] Prime Minister.

Ah! Here he is, El Perros Grande.

Gentlemen, I've just been on the phone with the President.

- What's that cunt want? - [scoffing]

Well, he wants to thank you

for letting Karl Stefanovic loose

and sabotaging Sean's mercy dash.

We see no need for Sean

to be shining a light on what's going on over there.

- We don't have anyone over there. - Neither do we.

We don't need any more heroes in Behati-Prinsloo.

The Prime Minister has already taken care of that.

- I have? - He sent in The Dingo.

- I did? - You did.

Fuck. Did I need to do that?

Yes, you did. And thank you, sir.

Okay, Enzo. Let's see how high you can jump.

[Phil breathing heavily]

71, 72...

What are you guys doing?

Please tell me you've got something special

with that re-edited tape.

Ah, still a work in progress.

- Maybe we should show him my video. - No, we are not showing him your video.

Or Cap's Gerry Connelly.

Well, how did yours turn out?

Terribly. I screamed really weirdly and Cap vomited.

Sorry.

Oh, that's okay.

We really need this tape of yours to work, mate.

Otherwise, we are fucked.

Yeah. I think I've got something even better.

If I could just talk to the boys, get their faces on camera.

No, no. This is our story, not their story.

Yeah, absolutely. I agree with you.

It's just, I will need some proof of life before I can continue.

You have seen the video.

Yes, I have, but there is some talk that the video could be fake.

That one of the soldiers is indeed an actor.

I can assure you every part of the video is completely real.

And there will be more.

We've been torturing them all day.

You know, I think there is a much bigger story going on here.

Firstly, I would like to explore

what the Australians were doing in Behati-Prinsloo in the first place.

And then, leaping off from there,

I think we can really shine a light

on the whole situation a lot more broadly.

Are the boys there with you now?

Is Dylan there?

You know I have a relationship with him.

May I speak with him?

- [punches] - [Dylan grunts]

[Dylan grunts]

- [glass smashing] - [Dylan continues grunting]

Hello.

Oh, my God, Dylan, are you okay?

I thought it was you.

You look, I mean...

I mean, you look... you look well.

Yeah, you look well, too, Jose. You look exactly the same.

Thank you.

- [Dylan grunts] - [Josie] You don't.

[Rowdy grunting] Oh, my spleen.

Sorry to interrupt, Miss Justice.

But I was just wondering if perhaps

you could weave my daughter into the story.

[Albhanis grunts]

And, ah... and maybe, like a little #hotsoldier, too, in there.

So, do you think it's okay if I start recording now?

No, not without the Director.

Oh, do you... Do you think he'll go on camera?

I think he might. Yes.

Okay, great. So when do you think he'll be back?

It's hard to say with him.

Alright. Well, you know, why don't I call back later.

That'll give me some time to talk to some people.

See, if we can get this on as a prime-time special.

[all quietly exclaiming]

We make no promises. It will be up to the Director.

Yeah. Oh, of course. Absolutely. I understand.

Okay, well, I will, I will talk to you soon.

See you then, boys.

[rock music plays]

[sighs]

[phone line connecting]

[Alaska] Go for it Jasper.

I'm a little girl who likes to be pushed on a swing.

[Alaska] Invalid code.

Oh, okay. So, that's last month's.

The fuck. Hang on. Hang on.

[sighs]

I'm the prettiest little girl in Palo Alto.

[dial up internet connecting]

- [beep] - [Alaska] Clear.

- [snaps fingers] - [Alaska] Hey, Sean.

So, how are you doin' old friend?

How do you think I'm doing?

Seen what's going on? [Alaska] Yes, I think everyone has.

[Alaska] Even the President has seen it.

I gotta do something.

[Alaska] Look, we've dealt with worse than this before.

I need the best.

[Alaska] But, Sean, t he best are not American right now.

I don't care who they are.

[Alaska] Look, let's just have a breath, lay low for a moment, let the dust settle...

Can you hear in my voice how important this is?

I mean, we've all got to put on our mask

before we save someone else.

Who told me that?

[dramatic music plays]

Just get me the best.

[music intensifies]

["Weight of the World" playing]

♪ What you gonna do ♪

♪ When you say to a man ♪

♪ He has lost control ♪

♪ Take a look at him now ♪

Bustard is gonna flip.

Yeah, we should actually talk about some interview techniques.

Do you guys know about the rule of three?

I think I'd be happy just to wing this one, Cap.

Yeah, I'm with Phil. Let's just be ourselves, you know?

Yes, and.

[Mamalo coughs]

You okay, Mamalo?

I just hope everything works out for you men.

[sighs]

- Hey. - And shit.

- Hey. - Yeah?

You heard the Josie Justice.

Okay, You guys are gonna be in the interview huh?

And this could blow up your socials.

You could get verified.

- [all chuckling] - And I'm gonna help you live tweet...

on the night.

We're in this together, brother.

- Aussie, Aussie, Aussie... - Oi, oi, oi.

- [all laughing] - [Rowdy] Hey. Don't worry, Cap.

She's gonna walk you back into the light.

This is your redemption story, brother!

We're on the path, boys.

And girls.

We're on the path!

You're all going to die!

[dramatic music]

Why are you all smiling?

Josie Justice wants to interview us!

[all laughing]

You?

With...

you!

[all exclaiming]

Get off me! Get off me!

Do not touch my silk! Do not ever touch my silk!

She specifically said she wants to speak with you.

[Rowdy] Yeah.

[intense music plays]

I could wear my new black coat.

Fit check. Sick [laughing]

We have to acknowledge an Australian presence in this country.

To shame our government and yours.

Our movement will finally have a seat at the table of power.

I can finally bury my mother on my family's land...

Next to her mother.

And her cousins.

And her friend, Gail.

Oh.

You boys will be heroes in this country forevermore!

Your names will whistle on the lips of the old and the young.

And me...

[triumphant music] I will forevermore

be known as the one who...

[gunshot]

[all scream]

[music intensifies]

A dingo didn't take that baby.

I did.

["Dancing in the Storm" playing]

♪ Here we go for one more turn ♪

♪ We can shake ♪

♪ We can shake the trees and earth ♪

♪ We can spin ♪

♪ We can spin and not fall down ♪

♪ Hold on tight ♪

♪ We can both become unwound ♪

♪ You and I, going out ♪

♪ And we're dancing in the storm ♪

♪ Honestly my foot is always in my mouth ♪

♪ Still the words come out ♪

♪ The words come out ♪

♪ Not the truth But I have nothing to confess ♪

♪ Just a hint of doubt ♪

♪ Just a hint of doubt ♪

[music fades]