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1
00:00:01,251 --> 00:00:04,194
This station's First Avenue.
First Avenue.
2
00:00:04,245 --> 00:00:06,479
[Door chimes]
3
00:00:08,983 --> 00:00:11,785
Whoa. N... um...
4
00:00:11,786 --> 00:00:12,786
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
5
00:00:12,787 --> 00:00:14,487
Okay.
6
00:00:14,488 --> 00:00:15,672
Damn it.
7
00:00:15,673 --> 00:00:16,974
Hey, man, you're supposed
to let commuters
8
00:00:16,975 --> 00:00:18,292
get off the train before you get on
9
00:00:18,293 --> 00:00:19,676
with your giant weird boxes.
10
00:00:19,711 --> 00:00:21,511
Sorry. You looked like you were
reading your trashy magazine.
11
00:00:21,546 --> 00:00:23,463
Sue me for trying to get to a place
12
00:00:23,464 --> 00:00:25,182
but also wanting to find out
if Elin Nordegren
13
00:00:25,183 --> 00:00:26,266
is moving on with her life.
14
00:00:26,301 --> 00:00:27,718
By the way, she's open to dating.
15
00:00:27,769 --> 00:00:29,136
Yeah, so you'll get off
at the next stop.
16
00:00:29,137 --> 00:00:30,938
Yeah, in Brooklyn,
where everyone is
17
00:00:30,939 --> 00:00:32,723
incredibly intimidating
and expressive.
18
00:00:32,724 --> 00:00:34,141
So thanks for adding
that to my day.
19
00:00:34,175 --> 00:00:35,702
And by the way, what's in these?
20
00:00:35,727 --> 00:00:36,727
Like, dead bodies?
21
00:00:36,728 --> 00:00:38,580
Stuffed animals
filled with cocaine?
22
00:00:38,613 --> 00:00:41,064
Baby strollers for Haiti, okay?
23
00:00:41,065 --> 00:00:43,200
They've got all-terrain
wheels on them
24
00:00:43,201 --> 00:00:44,484
so that malnourished mothers
25
00:00:44,485 --> 00:00:46,153
can push the strollers
through the rubble.
26
00:00:46,187 --> 00:00:47,520
(Women) Aw.
27
00:00:47,521 --> 00:00:49,456
I didn't know that you were
some kind of do-gooder.
28
00:00:49,490 --> 00:00:50,741
I do what I do, all right?
29
00:00:50,742 --> 00:00:53,660
If other people want to think
it's good, it's on them.
30
00:00:53,694 --> 00:00:54,828
(Women) Aw.
31
00:00:54,862 --> 00:00:57,130
Okay.
Enough, okay?
32
00:00:57,131 --> 00:00:58,749
He's not the only good person
on the subway.
33
00:00:58,750 --> 00:00:59,750
I'm a doctor.
34
00:00:59,751 --> 00:01:01,752
But you know the way you were
dressed, I thought you were, like,
35
00:01:01,753 --> 00:01:04,471
- a rapper's publicist or something.
- Thank you.
36
00:01:04,505 --> 00:01:05,705
Not a compliment.
37
00:01:05,706 --> 00:01:06,974
Let's see your card.
38
00:01:06,975 --> 00:01:08,592
Oh, I get it.
Because you don't believe me.
39
00:01:08,643 --> 00:01:11,762
- You're gonna look so dumb, mister.
- All right.
40
00:01:11,813 --> 00:01:13,730
"Dr. Mindy Lahiri."
41
00:01:13,765 --> 00:01:14,815
Mm-hmm.
42
00:01:14,849 --> 00:01:16,049
Cute card.
Thank you.
43
00:01:16,050 --> 00:01:18,268
Cuter doctor.
Whoa.
44
00:01:18,319 --> 00:01:20,404
What is happening here?
45
00:01:20,438 --> 00:01:21,571
Can I call you?
46
00:01:21,606 --> 00:01:24,942
For what, like a date
or something weird?
47
00:01:24,993 --> 00:01:27,110
For a date.
[Door chimes]
48
00:01:27,161 --> 00:01:29,746
We'll see if it turns into
something weird, okay?
49
00:01:29,781 --> 00:01:32,032
That's a very sexy thing to say.
50
00:01:32,066 --> 00:01:35,335
If other people wanna think
that's sexy, that's on them.
51
00:01:35,370 --> 00:01:36,420
This is your stop.
52
00:01:36,454 --> 00:01:39,206
Yeah, I should go.
Okay, yeah.
53
00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:41,708
Oh, God, what is this, a band?
54
00:01:41,709 --> 00:01:42,960
Okay, sir, put a shirt on.
55
00:01:42,961 --> 00:01:44,995
Rabbi, I have to get by.
56
00:01:45,029 --> 00:01:47,764
There's a situ... okay.
What a horrible snake.
57
00:01:47,799 --> 00:01:50,384
Stupid Brooklyn.
58
00:01:50,418 --> 00:01:53,420
[Upbeat music]
59
00:01:53,421 --> 00:01:59,420
60
00:02:02,765 --> 00:02:04,815
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/
61
00:02:04,816 --> 00:02:07,401
Guys, I met a hot stranger
on the subway,
62
00:02:07,402 --> 00:02:09,236
and he did not try to kill me.
63
00:02:09,237 --> 00:02:11,321
In fact, he was handsome.
And get this...
64
00:02:11,322 --> 00:02:13,373
He was sending boxes to Haiti.
65
00:02:13,408 --> 00:02:15,459
Okay, I understand that boxes
are fun to play in,
66
00:02:15,460 --> 00:02:17,711
but people in Haiti need supplies.
67
00:02:17,745 --> 00:02:19,579
Sounds better than
your last couple guys.
68
00:02:19,580 --> 00:02:21,164
I guess that we'll just wait
for the other shoe to drop.
69
00:02:21,165 --> 00:02:23,250
Dark-secret-wise.
70
00:02:23,284 --> 00:02:24,501
Okay, Mr. Cynical.
71
00:02:24,552 --> 00:02:26,753
I feel sorry for you
that you can't believe
72
00:02:26,787 --> 00:02:29,056
a person exists who does
good for other people.
73
00:02:29,090 --> 00:02:31,558
Hey, I'm going to the practice
volunteer trip next week.
74
00:02:31,592 --> 00:02:33,126
In fact, Mindy,
you're the only person
75
00:02:33,127 --> 00:02:34,678
who currently isn't going.
76
00:02:34,729 --> 00:02:37,597
Ugh. A women's prison?
You guys, come on.
77
00:02:37,598 --> 00:02:38,765
If I wanted to get shanked,
78
00:02:38,766 --> 00:02:40,817
I'd just shave my legs
drunk again... am I right?
79
00:02:40,852 --> 00:02:43,570
Mindy, the American prison
system is a blemish
80
00:02:43,571 --> 00:02:45,489
on an otherwise beautiful country.
81
00:02:45,523 --> 00:02:47,157
The least we can do is offer
82
00:02:47,191 --> 00:02:48,575
these poor souls free health care.
83
00:02:48,609 --> 00:02:50,977
I am chipping in
for the van, am I not?
84
00:02:50,978 --> 00:02:53,447
And that is a very
generous contribution.
85
00:02:53,448 --> 00:02:55,082
This is like habitat for humanity.
86
00:02:55,116 --> 00:02:56,500
Would you prefer someone
who has never
87
00:02:56,501 --> 00:02:58,952
picked up a hammer before,
or would you prefer a check
88
00:02:58,953 --> 00:03:01,288
to buy as many hammers as you want?
89
00:03:01,322 --> 00:03:02,956
So no one is hammering
in your scenario.
90
00:03:02,990 --> 00:03:04,958
Mindy, these inmates,
they need our help.
91
00:03:04,992 --> 00:03:06,293
They're mostly good people.
92
00:03:06,327 --> 00:03:07,794
That is true.
They mainly are good people.
93
00:03:07,828 --> 00:03:09,596
But as an ex-con, let me tell you,
94
00:03:09,597 --> 00:03:13,133
they are mostly
dead-eyed creeps and savages.
95
00:03:13,167 --> 00:03:14,217
Morgan makes a great point.
96
00:03:14,218 --> 00:03:17,604
See? You are the tallest man
97
00:03:17,605 --> 00:03:18,939
that I've ever been on a date with.
98
00:03:18,940 --> 00:03:20,857
- Thank you.
- I dated a guy once that was 5'1".
99
00:03:20,858 --> 00:03:22,442
He was a cockswain for a crew team.
100
00:03:22,477 --> 00:03:23,693
I rode a crew.
Really?
101
00:03:23,728 --> 00:03:25,195
I rode with the winklevoss twins.
102
00:03:25,196 --> 00:03:27,531
They called us
the winklevoss triplets.
103
00:03:27,565 --> 00:03:29,015
This is a really nice date.
104
00:03:29,033 --> 00:03:30,944
You know,
this place used to be a speakeasy.
105
00:03:30,945 --> 00:03:32,126
- Really?
- Uh-huh,
106
00:03:32,127 --> 00:03:33,853
babe Ruth
was said to have thrown up
107
00:03:33,854 --> 00:03:35,038
at that booth over there.
108
00:03:35,073 --> 00:03:36,573
That's funny that you
bring up babe Ruth,
109
00:03:36,574 --> 00:03:38,308
because I saw Derek Jeter
at a night club one night.
110
00:03:38,309 --> 00:03:40,160
- Whoa.
- I think it was Derek Jeter.
111
00:03:40,161 --> 00:03:42,195
He was definitely mid raxe
good enough for me.
112
00:03:42,213 --> 00:03:43,580
I love New York City.
113
00:03:43,631 --> 00:03:45,298
Every building
used to be something else.
114
00:03:45,333 --> 00:03:47,773
For instance, my apartment used
to be a tuberculosis hospital.
115
00:03:47,802 --> 00:03:48,802
Are you kidding?
116
00:03:48,803 --> 00:03:50,137
My apartment building
117
00:03:50,138 --> 00:03:52,472
used to be a tuberculosis hospital.
118
00:03:52,507 --> 00:03:55,425
I feel like there should
be a walking tour
119
00:03:55,476 --> 00:03:57,477
- of all the pockets in New York City...
- Totally.
120
00:03:57,512 --> 00:03:58,979
Where illnesses
have ravaged the population.
121
00:03:59,013 --> 00:04:00,147
Yes.
Do you know what I mean?
122
00:04:00,181 --> 00:04:01,932
- Like, upper westside is smallpox.
- Mm-hmm.
123
00:04:01,933 --> 00:04:04,935
Roosevelt island is polio,
ironically enough.
124
00:04:04,936 --> 00:04:05,986
We're going on this tour.
125
00:04:05,987 --> 00:04:07,154
(Waiter) Here's your appetizer.
126
00:04:07,188 --> 00:04:09,356
- Thanks.
- Oh, my God, this looks so good.
127
00:04:09,357 --> 00:04:10,690
- Casey, you've got to try this.
- Lord Jesus,
128
00:04:10,691 --> 00:04:12,192
we are your brothers and sisters,
129
00:04:12,193 --> 00:04:13,827
- and we gather here in your name,
- [Mouth full] Oh, my God.
130
00:04:13,861 --> 00:04:15,245
In your love.
131
00:04:15,246 --> 00:04:17,831
Give us your blessing
and bless this food for us.
132
00:04:17,865 --> 00:04:21,234
Amen.
All right, let's do this.
133
00:04:21,252 --> 00:04:22,419
Oh, is it funky?
134
00:04:22,453 --> 00:04:23,620
Did we get some funky bruschetta?
135
00:04:23,671 --> 00:04:25,005
Were you just praying?
136
00:04:25,006 --> 00:04:26,089
Was that weird for you?
137
00:04:26,124 --> 00:04:27,424
No. Do you do that a lot?
138
00:04:27,458 --> 00:04:29,042
I do. Yeah.
139
00:04:29,043 --> 00:04:31,378
It's kind of like an
occupational hazard, I guess.
140
00:04:31,379 --> 00:04:33,463
- I'm a minister, so...
- Ha ha ha!
141
00:04:33,514 --> 00:04:35,942
- No, I am.
- Oh, you were not kidding?
142
00:04:37,802 --> 00:04:39,136
Danny, do you remember that guy
143
00:04:39,187 --> 00:04:40,520
that I said I was going out with?
144
00:04:40,521 --> 00:04:41,921
- Vaguely.
- Get this.
145
00:04:41,922 --> 00:04:43,590
He's a priest.
A catholic priest?
146
00:04:43,608 --> 00:04:45,425
You should feel weird,
because you're going to hell.
147
00:04:45,443 --> 00:04:46,560
No, he's Lutheran.
148
00:04:46,561 --> 00:04:47,777
Well, that just makes him
a minister.
149
00:04:47,778 --> 00:04:48,938
And you're missing the point.
150
00:04:48,946 --> 00:04:51,398
When dinner came, he began to pray.
151
00:04:51,432 --> 00:04:52,932
At a restaurant, Danny.
152
00:04:52,950 --> 00:04:54,151
Okay, whoa.
Hold... hold it right there.
153
00:04:54,152 --> 00:04:55,452
Before you say anything offensive,
154
00:04:55,453 --> 00:04:59,289
let me tell you that
I'm a pretty serious catholic.
155
00:04:59,323 --> 00:05:00,457
Really?
156
00:05:00,458 --> 00:05:02,209
How can someone with
a God complex be religious?
157
00:05:02,210 --> 00:05:03,460
Aren't you afraid of being smited?
158
00:05:03,494 --> 00:05:06,496
No, I'm not one of those
crazy fanatic Catholics.
159
00:05:06,497 --> 00:05:07,947
I just... I go to church
every Sunday,
160
00:05:07,948 --> 00:05:09,449
father Francis
comes over for dinner
161
00:05:09,450 --> 00:05:10,950
five times a month, Max.
162
00:05:10,968 --> 00:05:13,170
You know what,
you are perfect for this.
163
00:05:13,171 --> 00:05:15,972
Will you please come with me
to Casey's service this weekend?
164
00:05:15,973 --> 00:05:17,674
I kind of like him,
and I need to make sure
165
00:05:17,675 --> 00:05:20,093
that he's normal and not some,
like, weirdo cult leader.
166
00:05:20,127 --> 00:05:21,988
You know what?
Sure.
167
00:05:22,013 --> 00:05:23,180
- Really?
- Yeah.
168
00:05:23,181 --> 00:05:24,648
I actually find that confronting
169
00:05:24,649 --> 00:05:26,266
other faiths strengthens mine.
170
00:05:26,300 --> 00:05:28,318
I once fasted for a month
during Ramadan
171
00:05:28,319 --> 00:05:30,270
just to be more catholic.
Okay.
172
00:05:30,271 --> 00:05:31,821
You know, I've wandered
into brises, and I come out,
173
00:05:31,822 --> 00:05:33,490
and I'm more catholic,
so I do this stuff...
174
00:05:33,524 --> 00:05:34,824
You can head out
because I'm gonna finish.
175
00:05:34,825 --> 00:05:36,493
Okay, great.
So Sunday.
176
00:05:36,527 --> 00:05:37,661
See you Sunday.
I'll help you out.
177
00:05:37,662 --> 00:05:40,113
Thanks, Danny.
Great. No problem.
178
00:05:40,147 --> 00:05:42,999
(Rishi) So should I be worried
that you're going to church?
179
00:05:43,034 --> 00:05:44,484
Hey, Rishi, I didn't ask you
180
00:05:44,485 --> 00:05:46,152
to spend spring break
on my couch, okay?
181
00:05:46,153 --> 00:05:47,337
I don't need your judgment.
182
00:05:47,338 --> 00:05:48,922
All right, well, give me
some of that doctor money,
183
00:05:48,923 --> 00:05:50,257
and I'll be in Mexico tomorrow.
184
00:05:50,258 --> 00:05:51,925
With your head chopped off, Rishi?
185
00:05:51,959 --> 00:05:53,927
I don't think so.
I have a CD of ocean sounds.
186
00:05:53,928 --> 00:05:55,629
I have margarita mix.
You are fine here.
187
00:05:55,630 --> 00:05:56,930
(Rishi) Look, woman.
188
00:05:56,964 --> 00:05:59,766
Just don't change yourself
for this guy, all right?
189
00:05:59,767 --> 00:06:01,468
I mean, I dig it
when girls do it for me,
190
00:06:01,469 --> 00:06:02,969
but then I totally
lose respect for them.
191
00:06:02,970 --> 00:06:04,387
(Mindy) Ew, Rishi.
192
00:06:04,388 --> 00:06:06,273
There is no way that
I'm gonna change who I am.
193
00:06:09,110 --> 00:06:10,143
What are you wearing?
194
00:06:10,177 --> 00:06:11,278
Church clothes.
195
00:06:11,279 --> 00:06:13,471
Have you never seen
a Tyler Perry movie?
196
00:06:15,714 --> 00:06:18,700
[Organ music]
197
00:06:18,701 --> 00:06:23,154
198
00:06:23,188 --> 00:06:25,123
(man) Oh, are you kidding?
199
00:06:25,124 --> 00:06:26,741
(Second man) Yeah, seriously.
200
00:06:26,742 --> 00:06:28,159
You gotta lose the hat.
201
00:06:28,193 --> 00:06:29,410
Danny, it's part of my outfit.
202
00:06:29,411 --> 00:06:30,495
Just lose the hat.
203
00:06:30,529 --> 00:06:32,413
Lose your tie.
It's for my look.
204
00:06:32,414 --> 00:06:34,198
It's just... people will
think it's weird if I don't...
205
00:06:34,216 --> 00:06:35,383
- [Whispering] I can't see.
- Oh.
206
00:06:35,384 --> 00:06:36,701
All right, all right.
207
00:06:36,702 --> 00:06:38,536
- Sorry.
- Just keep your pants on. It's fine.
208
00:06:38,554 --> 00:06:41,205
Keep it down in here, okay?
Did it mess up my hair?
209
00:06:41,206 --> 00:06:43,558
[Whispering] It doesn't matter.
God doesn't judge.
210
00:06:43,592 --> 00:06:45,560
I want Casey to like it.
I don't care about God.
211
00:06:45,594 --> 00:06:47,378
Can you say that any louder?
212
00:06:47,413 --> 00:06:49,380
(Danny) Okay, here we go.
213
00:06:49,398 --> 00:06:52,350
[Pulsing techno music]
214
00:06:52,351 --> 00:06:55,570
215
00:06:55,604 --> 00:06:57,250
What is that headphones guy doing?
216
00:06:57,273 --> 00:06:59,407
Oh, my God.
He's ruining the record.
217
00:06:59,441 --> 00:07:00,608
- (Mindy) Danny, that's Moby.
- Who?
218
00:07:00,609 --> 00:07:01,892
(Mindy) The musician.
219
00:07:01,910 --> 00:07:03,411
This is the coolest party
I've ever gone to.
220
00:07:03,412 --> 00:07:05,396
- It's not a party.
- Moby.
221
00:07:05,414 --> 00:07:11,202
[Cheers and applause]
222
00:07:11,203 --> 00:07:13,288
Come on.
223
00:07:13,339 --> 00:07:15,123
This is great.
224
00:07:15,124 --> 00:07:17,225
I love each and every
one of you. Thank you.
225
00:07:17,259 --> 00:07:19,510
I'm excited for today.
I've got a big announcement.
226
00:07:19,545 --> 00:07:20,878
I hope this is not about me.
227
00:07:20,879 --> 00:07:22,513
I will be so embarrassed.
228
00:07:22,548 --> 00:07:24,065
I hate God.
229
00:07:24,099 --> 00:07:25,099
[All gasping]
230
00:07:25,100 --> 00:07:27,018
Oh, man.
We're all dead.
231
00:07:27,019 --> 00:07:29,253
(Casey) And here's why.
Had a long day at the office.
232
00:07:29,271 --> 00:07:31,255
Got home, I was exhausted.
233
00:07:31,273 --> 00:07:33,257
You know, I kick off
my dress shoes, put on my uggs.
234
00:07:33,258 --> 00:07:35,288
Thank you, Moby.
Appreciate those.
235
00:07:35,311 --> 00:07:36,594
What I want to do...
236
00:07:36,612 --> 00:07:39,230
Watch a little game of thrones
on the DVR.
237
00:07:39,264 --> 00:07:41,115
Turns out... wasn't recorded.
238
00:07:41,150 --> 00:07:43,951
I look up at the big man, I
go, "what's up with that, G?"
239
00:07:43,952 --> 00:07:45,953
That's why I hate God.
240
00:07:45,954 --> 00:07:47,705
And I want everyone here
to say it with me.
241
00:07:47,740 --> 00:07:48,956
I hate God?
242
00:07:48,957 --> 00:07:50,625
She hates God.
Who else hates God?
243
00:07:50,626 --> 00:07:52,210
(All) I hate God!
244
00:07:52,244 --> 00:07:53,711
No, no, no, no.
I'm not on board with this.
245
00:07:53,712 --> 00:07:54,746
I hate God.
246
00:07:54,747 --> 00:07:56,381
(All) I hate God.
247
00:07:56,415 --> 00:07:57,832
Okay. Okay. All right.
248
00:07:57,883 --> 00:08:00,385
We all hate God,
and he hears your anger.
249
00:08:00,419 --> 00:08:01,502
You know what?
250
00:08:01,503 --> 00:08:04,339
God still loves you anyway.
251
00:08:04,390 --> 00:08:06,257
[Murmuring] Oh, yes, yes!
252
00:08:06,258 --> 00:08:07,392
That was amazing.
253
00:08:07,426 --> 00:08:08,509
(Woman) Amen.
254
00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:10,144
Something's been bugging me today.
255
00:08:10,145 --> 00:08:12,563
Now he's talking about you.
Shh.
256
00:08:12,564 --> 00:08:13,815
I see a bunch of weekend warriors.
257
00:08:13,816 --> 00:08:15,516
I'm not seeing you guys
here during the week.
258
00:08:15,567 --> 00:08:18,269
Guys, God is with you 24/7.
259
00:08:18,303 --> 00:08:20,438
Even when you're doing
you know what.
260
00:08:20,439 --> 00:08:22,690
I'm not telling you
to be some religious freak.
261
00:08:22,741 --> 00:08:25,526
If I want to go to Bonnaroo
and see the black keys,
262
00:08:25,577 --> 00:08:26,694
it doesn't mean
I want to go to hell.
263
00:08:26,745 --> 00:08:27,812
I just want to rock!
264
00:08:27,830 --> 00:08:29,580
Let God in.
He's cool.
265
00:08:29,581 --> 00:08:31,916
It's actually kind of
like Bruno Mars sings.
266
00:08:31,950 --> 00:08:35,986
I never had much faith
in love
267
00:08:36,004 --> 00:08:38,206
Or miracles
268
00:08:38,257 --> 00:08:40,875
Never been one to put
269
00:08:40,876 --> 00:08:44,212
My heart on the line
270
00:08:44,213 --> 00:08:46,047
[music amps up]
271
00:08:46,098 --> 00:08:47,515
Are you kidding me?
272
00:08:47,549 --> 00:08:52,470
But swimming in your water's
something spirit-u-Al
273
00:08:52,504 --> 00:08:54,439
274
00:08:54,473 --> 00:08:58,726
I'm born again every time
you spend the ni-i-ight
275
00:08:58,777 --> 00:09:00,728
[vocalizes]
276
00:09:00,779 --> 00:09:02,280
[Cheers and applause]
277
00:09:02,281 --> 00:09:05,450
I'm totally gonna
nail Pastor Casey.
278
00:09:05,484 --> 00:09:06,984
Just move it.
Move it or lose it, ladies.
279
00:09:06,985 --> 00:09:08,870
I'm sorry. Hey, guys. Sorry,
I'm just... I'm kind of...
280
00:09:08,871 --> 00:09:10,204
He's already taken, so...
281
00:09:10,205 --> 00:09:12,156
Hey, Casey.
How's it going?
282
00:09:12,157 --> 00:09:13,958
Give me a hug.
283
00:09:13,992 --> 00:09:15,159
Whoa.
284
00:09:15,193 --> 00:09:16,411
Great seeing you.
285
00:09:16,462 --> 00:09:18,796
That was unbelievable.
286
00:09:18,831 --> 00:09:19,964
What are you doing here?
287
00:09:19,965 --> 00:09:21,215
You didn't tell me you were coming.
288
00:09:21,216 --> 00:09:22,884
No, I wouldn't miss it
for the world, you know.
289
00:09:22,885 --> 00:09:24,635
And, actually, I brought a friend.
290
00:09:24,670 --> 00:09:26,804
- Danny, what do you doing? Come here.
- What's going on?
291
00:09:26,839 --> 00:09:29,257
Can you tell Casey how much
you loved the service?
292
00:09:29,258 --> 00:09:31,843
Pastor, it was... it was nice.
293
00:09:31,844 --> 00:09:33,895
A little too cool for school
for me.
294
00:09:33,896 --> 00:09:35,480
- Get out of here. Get out of here.
- It was nice.
295
00:09:35,481 --> 00:09:37,315
I'm not gonna lie
in front of a church.
296
00:09:37,316 --> 00:09:39,600
Constructive criticism.
I can't get enough.
297
00:09:39,601 --> 00:09:41,068
I'm sorry about him.
His wife left him.
298
00:09:41,069 --> 00:09:45,273
- God's with him.
- And I just want to tell you...
299
00:09:45,274 --> 00:09:46,407
What's up?
300
00:09:46,408 --> 00:09:49,660
I really would love
to see you again.
301
00:09:49,661 --> 00:09:50,661
Okay.
302
00:09:50,662 --> 00:09:53,731
Because this whole thing,
this guy right here... Sure.
303
00:09:53,749 --> 00:09:54,899
I'm, like, just so feeling it.
304
00:09:54,917 --> 00:09:57,919
Yeah. Just I don't care that
you don't have any money.
305
00:09:57,953 --> 00:10:00,288
You can deal with
gross lepers all day long,
306
00:10:00,339 --> 00:10:03,508
look, Mindy,
I had a great time on our date.
307
00:10:03,509 --> 00:10:05,075
It was so much fun.
Me too.
308
00:10:05,076 --> 00:10:06,410
Okay, it was fun.
You're cool.
309
00:10:06,411 --> 00:10:09,597
And I am actually
very attracted to you
310
00:10:09,598 --> 00:10:12,800
in like a really interesting
and visceral way.
311
00:10:12,851 --> 00:10:14,185
Okay, I am so feeling that.
312
00:10:14,186 --> 00:10:16,471
But here's the...
Here's the... here's the deal.
313
00:10:16,522 --> 00:10:18,923
The driving force in my life
is selflessness.
314
00:10:18,924 --> 00:10:19,924
Selfishness?
315
00:10:19,925 --> 00:10:21,642
Selflessness.
316
00:10:21,693 --> 00:10:24,278
And I just don't get
the sense that it's yours.
317
00:10:24,313 --> 00:10:26,430
So you don't think
I'm a good person?
318
00:10:26,448 --> 00:10:28,599
No, no, no.
Look, it was one date.
319
00:10:28,617 --> 00:10:30,234
Just, you didn't seem
too interested
320
00:10:30,235 --> 00:10:32,436
in the mission
we're working on in Haiti.
321
00:10:32,454 --> 00:10:34,121
You only lit up when
I talked about meeting Wyclef.
322
00:10:34,156 --> 00:10:36,707
No, when you were talking
about your email exchange
323
00:10:36,708 --> 00:10:38,576
with Sean Penn, I thought
that was really interesting.
324
00:10:38,610 --> 00:10:40,444
Look, I'm not saying
you're a bad person.
325
00:10:40,462 --> 00:10:43,130
It's just I hold myself
to an impossibly high standard.
326
00:10:43,165 --> 00:10:47,218
I don't want that to make
you feel bad about who you are.
327
00:10:47,252 --> 00:10:48,452
- You know.
- Yeah.
328
00:10:49,955 --> 00:10:51,121
Okay, yeah.
329
00:10:51,139 --> 00:10:53,570
You just don't think
I'm a good person.
330
00:10:54,793 --> 00:10:55,927
It'll take two hours
to get to the prison.
331
00:10:55,928 --> 00:10:57,127
We should start loading the van.
332
00:10:57,145 --> 00:10:59,981
Why are there pictures
of you in there?
333
00:10:59,982 --> 00:11:01,399
Well, the women always ask.
334
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:03,985
It seems cruel and unusual
punishment to deny them.
335
00:11:04,019 --> 00:11:06,153
Everyone, I am ready
to go to prison,
336
00:11:06,188 --> 00:11:07,955
because I am a good person.
337
00:11:07,956 --> 00:11:09,490
Actually, we should all go.
338
00:11:09,491 --> 00:11:11,141
Okay, you're telling people
that are already going.
339
00:11:11,142 --> 00:11:12,977
Yes, Danny,
I am preaching to the choir,
340
00:11:12,978 --> 00:11:14,161
which is uniquely challenging
341
00:11:14,162 --> 00:11:16,347
because often they are singing
and they cannot hear you.
342
00:11:16,348 --> 00:11:18,833
- What's on your key chain?
- This is pepper spray.
343
00:11:18,834 --> 00:11:19,834
So if everyone tries anything
I'll be like,
344
00:11:19,835 --> 00:11:20,918
"pew, pew, pepper spray."
345
00:11:20,919 --> 00:11:22,503
If you get close enough
to these maniacs
346
00:11:22,504 --> 00:11:24,822
to use pepper spray,
that means you're already dead.
347
00:11:24,823 --> 00:11:26,257
Hey, let's hit the road.
348
00:11:31,094 --> 00:11:33,666
(Mindy) Wow,
volunteering just feels so good.
349
00:11:33,700 --> 00:11:34,867
We haven't done anything yet.
350
00:11:34,868 --> 00:11:36,502
All we did was get
breakfast sandwiches.
351
00:11:36,503 --> 00:11:37,920
Mindy, you don't need to do this.
352
00:11:37,921 --> 00:11:39,788
If there's an outlet mall
near the prison.
353
00:11:39,789 --> 00:11:41,173
We can drop you there.
354
00:11:41,174 --> 00:11:43,575
According to the billboard,
it's a real oasis of savings.
355
00:11:43,593 --> 00:11:45,094
Guys, what is this crazy perception
356
00:11:45,095 --> 00:11:47,412
that I am not altruistic?
It's nuts.
357
00:11:47,430 --> 00:11:50,265
- And as Jesus said, if you want...
- Wait, you can't quote Jesus.
358
00:11:50,266 --> 00:11:53,052
You've been to church once.
He knows what you are.
359
00:11:53,053 --> 00:11:54,887
Betsy, quit squirming.
360
00:11:54,888 --> 00:11:57,056
Our bones are grinding.
361
00:11:57,057 --> 00:11:58,774
[Honks horn] Pay attention, please.
362
00:11:58,775 --> 00:11:59,975
Got a lot to go over
363
00:11:59,976 --> 00:12:01,927
before we get to
the lady joint, all right?
364
00:12:01,928 --> 00:12:03,762
I want you to remember that
these are prisoners
365
00:12:03,763 --> 00:12:05,898
that have been judged as scum.
366
00:12:05,899 --> 00:12:08,450
And they are desperate
people, okay?
367
00:12:08,451 --> 00:12:10,619
Dr. L, I got this newsboy cap.
368
00:12:10,620 --> 00:12:12,371
I want you to tuck
your hair into it.
369
00:12:12,405 --> 00:12:13,438
You gotta "boy" up.
370
00:12:13,439 --> 00:12:14,490
No, I'm not looking like an orphan.
371
00:12:14,491 --> 00:12:15,491
Take it back.
372
00:12:15,492 --> 00:12:18,210
Dr. Reed, Dr. Castellano, I
want to pull at a gas station
373
00:12:18,244 --> 00:12:19,828
and show you guys in the bathroom
374
00:12:19,879 --> 00:12:22,581
a step-by-step guide on
how to tape your junk down.
375
00:12:22,615 --> 00:12:23,999
You don't have to do that.
376
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:25,501
Actually, you should just dress
like a woman, Dr. Reed.
377
00:12:25,502 --> 00:12:27,753
Just right away to be safe.
No, Morgan.
378
00:12:27,787 --> 00:12:30,472
Betsy, if you show fear,
they will literally eat you.
379
00:12:30,473 --> 00:12:31,640
Other rules:
380
00:12:31,675 --> 00:12:33,509
Don't volunteer
any personal information.
381
00:12:33,510 --> 00:12:34,643
Dr. Lahiri...
382
00:12:34,678 --> 00:12:36,962
I heard you.
To make sure...
383
00:12:36,980 --> 00:12:39,231
I have created aliases
for all of us.
384
00:12:39,265 --> 00:12:41,850
Dr. C, you're gonna be Edward Wong.
385
00:12:41,901 --> 00:12:45,137
He is a Chinese-American
attorney in Palo Al...
386
00:12:45,138 --> 00:12:46,488
Who threw it?
387
00:12:46,523 --> 00:12:48,073
[Shouts] Who threw it?
388
00:12:49,075 --> 00:12:50,242
(Mindy) Oh, God.
389
00:12:50,243 --> 00:12:51,977
Danny, I don't know
if I can do this.
390
00:12:51,978 --> 00:12:53,245
I feel really trapped in here.
391
00:12:53,246 --> 00:12:54,997
It's a prison.
That's on purpose.
392
00:12:54,998 --> 00:12:56,865
I do not like the way
that they are looking at me.
393
00:12:56,866 --> 00:12:58,367
I can tell that
they resent my freedom.
394
00:12:58,368 --> 00:13:00,369
You want to wait in the van?
I'll crack a window.
395
00:13:00,370 --> 00:13:01,954
I have to do this.
I have to do this.
396
00:13:01,955 --> 00:13:04,873
I like your hair.
Keep walking. Keep walking.
397
00:13:04,874 --> 00:13:06,425
Those who do not follow
Morgan's rules
398
00:13:06,426 --> 00:13:07,793
are doomed to repeat them.
399
00:13:07,827 --> 00:13:11,547
Afternoon, everybody.
It's so good to be back.
400
00:13:11,548 --> 00:13:13,665
I recognize lots of old faces.
401
00:13:13,666 --> 00:13:15,968
Donna, I love your hairdo.
402
00:13:15,969 --> 00:13:17,686
For those of you beginning
your "stretch,"
403
00:13:17,687 --> 00:13:19,104
I'm Dr. Reed.
404
00:13:19,105 --> 00:13:21,106
I brought two very competent
colleagues with me
405
00:13:21,141 --> 00:13:23,142
to help take care of you,
so please,
406
00:13:23,176 --> 00:13:26,311
line up where'd you like.
Thanks.
407
00:13:26,345 --> 00:13:27,345
(Guard) Line it up, ladies.
408
00:13:27,363 --> 00:13:29,559
(Morgan) No, no, no, no. Ladies!
409
00:13:29,566 --> 00:13:31,853
And I use that term loosely.
410
00:13:31,868 --> 00:13:35,454
I want three equal lines.
Here, here, and here.
411
00:13:35,488 --> 00:13:37,823
- Come on!
- (Jeremy) Morgan. Let them choose.
412
00:13:37,824 --> 00:13:39,360
They have such little choice
in their lives.
413
00:13:39,375 --> 00:13:42,044
No, not only are you making
these two doctors
414
00:13:42,045 --> 00:13:43,579
feel like losers...
415
00:13:43,580 --> 00:13:44,913
- What?
- I don't feel like a loser.
416
00:13:44,914 --> 00:13:45,964
Which they are not.
417
00:13:45,965 --> 00:13:47,699
They are rich, they are hot.
418
00:13:47,717 --> 00:13:50,753
They are not in jail, unlike you!
419
00:13:50,804 --> 00:13:52,638
Move!
Break it up now.
420
00:13:52,639 --> 00:13:53,889
Three.
One, two, three.
421
00:13:53,890 --> 00:13:55,224
No, Morgan.
422
00:13:55,258 --> 00:13:57,378
Now all the scary-looking ones
are coming to my line.
423
00:13:57,393 --> 00:13:59,178
That woman has two wandering eyes.
424
00:13:59,212 --> 00:14:01,379
Hey, guys.
Can I trade you,
425
00:14:01,380 --> 00:14:03,282
because that one woman
just asked to buy my penis.
426
00:14:03,316 --> 00:14:04,883
This is the worst day of my life.
427
00:14:04,884 --> 00:14:06,068
She doesn't have any money.
428
00:14:06,069 --> 00:14:07,219
Come forward.
Yeah, let's get...
429
00:14:07,220 --> 00:14:08,520
(Morgan) Not for sale.
430
00:14:08,521 --> 00:14:09,655
I don't want to hear
the word "penis"
431
00:14:09,656 --> 00:14:11,907
come out of your mouth.
432
00:14:11,908 --> 00:14:15,077
Thank you so much.
Hi. How are you?
433
00:14:15,078 --> 00:14:16,895
Ow! Uck.
434
00:14:16,896 --> 00:14:19,498
Okay, ma'am, I cannot
give you a breast exam
435
00:14:19,499 --> 00:14:21,116
if you keep biti at my fingers.
436
00:14:21,117 --> 00:14:22,570
Next.
437
00:14:22,585 --> 00:14:24,203
I really appreciate you doing this.
438
00:14:24,237 --> 00:14:26,255
I do not know that
I will be of much help.
439
00:14:26,256 --> 00:14:27,623
I think I need a rabies shot.
440
00:14:27,674 --> 00:14:29,074
Come on in.
441
00:14:32,095 --> 00:14:33,178
How can I help you?
442
00:14:33,213 --> 00:14:35,416
Actually, I have
an embarrassing question.
443
00:14:35,431 --> 00:14:37,382
No, I will not pass
a message on to someone
444
00:14:37,383 --> 00:14:38,717
on the outside.
I won't do it.
445
00:14:38,718 --> 00:14:39,885
No, no.
446
00:14:39,919 --> 00:14:40,919
Do you have any idea
what's been happening
447
00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:41,923
on real housewives?
448
00:14:41,938 --> 00:14:43,472
Oh, my God.
Are you kidding me?
449
00:14:43,523 --> 00:14:45,224
Yeah, do you have three hours?
450
00:14:45,225 --> 00:14:47,142
Of course you do.
You're in prison.
451
00:14:47,193 --> 00:14:49,361
Susan Robinson?
What?
452
00:14:49,395 --> 00:14:50,932
I mean... what?
453
00:14:50,947 --> 00:14:51,980
I don't know any Susan,
454
00:14:51,981 --> 00:14:54,983
and I've never even been to Tucson.
Move along.
455
00:14:55,034 --> 00:14:57,486
Susan, it's me, Judith.
What gives?
456
00:14:57,537 --> 00:14:58,704
Hey, you heard her, Judith.
457
00:14:58,738 --> 00:15:00,525
"Hey"?
Scram, Judith.
458
00:15:02,959 --> 00:15:03,959
You didn't need to do that.
459
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:06,662
I wanted to.
I liked it.
460
00:15:08,298 --> 00:15:09,581
You're really nice.
461
00:15:09,615 --> 00:15:11,333
Really?
Yeah, I mean, look at you.
462
00:15:11,334 --> 00:15:13,502
You're a fancy doctor,
and you're taking
463
00:15:13,503 --> 00:15:15,254
all this time to talk to me.
464
00:15:15,288 --> 00:15:18,507
You know what?
I was saving this as a reward
465
00:15:18,558 --> 00:15:21,626
for my ride home,
but I want you to have this.
466
00:15:21,627 --> 00:15:23,095
Wow.
467
00:15:23,096 --> 00:15:25,731
I can't remember the last time
someone gave me a present.
468
00:15:25,765 --> 00:15:28,684
Um, well, I-I-I don't know
469
00:15:28,685 --> 00:15:31,069
if you'd have use for this,
but do you want my pashmina?
470
00:15:31,104 --> 00:15:33,021
Oh, thank you.
Yeah?
471
00:15:33,072 --> 00:15:35,741
I'd give you my belt,
but I'm a little worried
472
00:15:35,742 --> 00:15:38,145
you'd use it to hang yourself,
so I'm gonna hold onto that.
473
00:15:38,161 --> 00:15:40,779
Do you have any old keys
I could sharpen?
474
00:15:40,813 --> 00:15:42,164
Uh...
475
00:15:42,165 --> 00:15:44,416
As long as you have people
like us fighting for you,
476
00:15:44,417 --> 00:15:45,650
you're not forgotten.
477
00:15:45,651 --> 00:15:47,652
- Take a photo.
- Okay. Thank you.
478
00:15:47,653 --> 00:15:50,088
I just met the first
female casino robber.
479
00:15:50,123 --> 00:15:51,757
Said she broke the glass ceiling.
480
00:15:51,791 --> 00:15:53,876
I guess that's what set off
the alarm.
481
00:15:53,927 --> 00:15:55,127
(Mindy) All right, Lizzy,
it was great meeting you.
482
00:15:55,128 --> 00:15:56,295
Take care, okay?
483
00:15:56,329 --> 00:15:59,464
And I'll see you when you get out.
484
00:15:59,465 --> 00:16:00,682
What?
485
00:16:00,683 --> 00:16:02,000
I just thought you'd spend
the whole day
486
00:16:02,001 --> 00:16:03,302
hitting on the guy
in the watch tower.
487
00:16:03,336 --> 00:16:05,170
No, I was too busy touching lives.
488
00:16:05,188 --> 00:16:08,056
As it turns out,
I am extremely altruistic.
489
00:16:08,107 --> 00:16:09,858
Great. Maybe next
you'll work on humility.
490
00:16:09,893 --> 00:16:12,144
(Mindy) No need.
491
00:16:12,145 --> 00:16:14,446
- I want candy!
- No, I dropped that!
492
00:16:16,015 --> 00:16:17,268
- No. No, no.
- I gave that to Lizzy.
493
00:16:17,300 --> 00:16:19,434
- Mindy, no.
- What are you doing?
494
00:16:19,435 --> 00:16:20,702
Okay, everyone calm down.
Hey.
495
00:16:20,737 --> 00:16:22,537
I did not give that to you!
496
00:16:22,572 --> 00:16:24,239
[Alarm blaring] I want it!
497
00:16:24,290 --> 00:16:25,690
(Morgan) You're a surgeon.
498
00:16:25,708 --> 00:16:27,242
You've got delicate hands.
Get out of here!
499
00:16:27,293 --> 00:16:28,327
Do not enter a hot zone.
500
00:16:28,361 --> 00:16:29,578
Do not enter a hot zone.
Hey, stop!
501
00:16:29,579 --> 00:16:32,798
(Mindy) It doesn't belong to you!
Stop... stop that!
502
00:16:32,799 --> 00:16:33,966
Stop it!
503
00:16:33,967 --> 00:16:35,117
Stop it, I told you...
504
00:16:35,118 --> 00:16:37,920
I like your hair.
505
00:16:37,921 --> 00:16:40,088
[Maniacal laugh]
506
00:16:40,089 --> 00:16:41,857
[Screams]
507
00:16:41,858 --> 00:16:43,369
Guards! Gas them!
508
00:16:46,725 --> 00:16:47,724
If you ask me, these criminals
have it too easy.
509
00:16:47,725 --> 00:16:50,457
I would put them in a box,
throw some scorpions in the box,
510
00:16:50,458 --> 00:16:53,650
- close the box, walk away.
- It's not that bad.
511
00:16:53,651 --> 00:16:55,350
I used to have hair here.
512
00:16:55,351 --> 00:16:57,016
I think we all learned
a lesson today.
513
00:16:57,017 --> 00:16:59,250
Even though I can
bench-press 200 pounds,
514
00:16:59,251 --> 00:17:01,116
a big woman sits on my chest...
515
00:17:01,117 --> 00:17:02,583
Lights out.
516
00:17:02,584 --> 00:17:03,583
- Danny?
- Yeah?
517
00:17:03,584 --> 00:17:05,216
I am so embarrassed.
518
00:17:05,217 --> 00:17:06,583
I basically started a prison riot
519
00:17:06,584 --> 00:17:08,683
so I could prove to everyone
how altruistic I am.
520
00:17:08,684 --> 00:17:11,551
Yeah, you did it to impress
that Pastor Casey.
521
00:17:13,581 --> 00:17:14,581
Yeah.
522
00:17:14,582 --> 00:17:16,255
Isn't that the stupidest thing
you've ever heard?
523
00:17:16,256 --> 00:17:17,383
No, it's not. It's okay.
524
00:17:17,384 --> 00:17:21,150
Christians only do charity work
to impress God. He's a guy.
525
00:17:21,151 --> 00:17:23,350
National Geographic says
that God could be a woman.
526
00:17:23,351 --> 00:17:25,250
I'm trying really hard to be
benevolent right now.
527
00:17:25,251 --> 00:17:27,316
Yeah. The point is,
you helped other people today.
528
00:17:27,317 --> 00:17:29,983
For one second it felt good,
and now I regret it.
529
00:17:29,984 --> 00:17:31,250
And I basically got scalped.
530
00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:32,316
Thank God you're not back in India
531
00:17:32,317 --> 00:17:35,183
where that injury
would make you unmarryable.
532
00:17:35,184 --> 00:17:36,516
That, plus your age.
533
00:17:36,517 --> 00:17:38,650
[Laughs] Ow.
534
00:17:38,651 --> 00:17:39,983
- Sorry.
- Damn it!
535
00:17:39,984 --> 00:17:41,616
- I'm sorry.
- Just don't make me laugh,
536
00:17:41,617 --> 00:17:44,616
- and fix my face!
- Don't get riled up.
537
00:17:44,617 --> 00:17:47,216
(Morgan) Let's review
what we learned today.
538
00:17:47,217 --> 00:17:49,316
Dr. Lahiri,
I told you to tuck your hair
539
00:17:49,317 --> 00:17:50,683
into a newsboy cap,
and you scoffed at me,
540
00:17:50,684 --> 00:17:52,483
and now, you look like a monster.
541
00:17:52,484 --> 00:17:55,150
I am sorry that I pepper-sprayed
you accidentally,
542
00:17:55,151 --> 00:17:57,250
- but you tackled me!
- Yeah, lay off her.
543
00:17:57,251 --> 00:17:58,650
Okay, you're one to talk.
544
00:17:58,651 --> 00:18:00,450
You're shakin' your little hips
back there for all the women,
545
00:18:00,451 --> 00:18:01,450
making 'em crazy.
546
00:18:01,451 --> 00:18:02,683
I wasn't shaking my hips.
547
00:18:02,684 --> 00:18:04,316
- Hey, Dr. Reed.
- Get off.
548
00:18:04,317 --> 00:18:07,083
Hey, do you think I enjoy
taping my genitals to my leg?
549
00:18:07,084 --> 00:18:09,283
- Do you think that's why I do it?
- I have no idea.
550
00:18:09,284 --> 00:18:10,450
I warned you.
How do you feel right now?
551
00:18:10,451 --> 00:18:13,317
- Violated.
- Violated, yes.
552
00:18:14,484 --> 00:18:17,616
Hey, Dr. L.
Hey, sleepy face.
553
00:18:17,617 --> 00:18:20,150
Hey, quick question.
554
00:18:20,151 --> 00:18:23,016
What do you not
understand about me saying,
555
00:18:23,017 --> 00:18:25,456
"do not feed the inmates"?
Was that not clear?
556
00:18:25,457 --> 00:18:27,054
We've all had
a very long day, Morgan.
557
00:18:27,105 --> 00:18:29,440
No. No, no, no, no, no.
Sorry, I was talking, okay?
558
00:18:29,474 --> 00:18:31,893
But I guess that means
nothing to you people.
559
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:33,444
I bet if I was pregnant,
you'd be listening
560
00:18:33,445 --> 00:18:34,862
to every single word I have to say.
561
00:18:34,897 --> 00:18:36,147
If you were pregnant,
562
00:18:36,148 --> 00:18:37,265
I think we'd all have
a lot of questions.
563
00:18:37,299 --> 00:18:39,534
Oh, ha ha ha ha!
564
00:18:39,568 --> 00:18:43,037
I didn't realize I was driving
Kevin Hart around in my minivan!
565
00:18:43,071 --> 00:18:47,358
When it comes to prisons,
I am the gynecologist!
566
00:18:47,376 --> 00:18:50,545
You're the nurses!
567
00:18:50,546 --> 00:18:55,333
Okay, we... We're sorry,
and we know you're upset,
568
00:18:55,334 --> 00:18:57,051
but we're very hungry, Morgan,
and maybe we could
569
00:18:57,052 --> 00:18:58,135
just pull over and get
something to eat?
570
00:18:58,136 --> 00:19:00,504
- Can we eat?
- Yes.
571
00:19:00,538 --> 00:19:03,341
Do we deserve to eat?
572
00:19:03,342 --> 00:19:04,875
No.
573
00:19:06,311 --> 00:19:09,046
Rishi, when you almost die,
it really makes you think
574
00:19:09,047 --> 00:19:10,681
about what's really important
to you in life.
575
00:19:10,715 --> 00:19:12,400
(Rishi) You talking
about me or the burrito?
576
00:19:12,401 --> 00:19:14,485
Why can't it be both?
577
00:19:14,519 --> 00:19:16,988
Oh, God, Rishi, kill me.
It's that minister guy.
578
00:19:17,022 --> 00:19:19,357
No, no, no.
Just pretend we're on a date.
579
00:19:19,358 --> 00:19:20,366
- Yeah.
- Is he walking by?
580
00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:21,395
- He's coming, just...
- Mindy?
581
00:19:21,396 --> 00:19:22,693
What happened to you?
582
00:19:22,694 --> 00:19:24,495
You don't talk to her,
all right? You talk to me.
583
00:19:24,529 --> 00:19:26,447
You hurt my big sister's
feelings, and then
584
00:19:26,498 --> 00:19:28,459
she went and volunteered
at a women's prison,
585
00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:29,834
and they beat her up good.
586
00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:31,669
Look at her face, man.
No one's gonna date her now.
587
00:19:31,703 --> 00:19:33,170
She looks like Manny Pacquiao.
588
00:19:33,205 --> 00:19:34,738
Are you serious?
589
00:19:34,756 --> 00:19:36,490
Relax, it had
nothing to do with you.
590
00:19:36,525 --> 00:19:39,710
What? Look, Mindy's
a really good person, okay?
591
00:19:39,711 --> 00:19:42,246
When I was in elementary school,
I got the crap kicked out of me
592
00:19:42,247 --> 00:19:43,547
until Mindy told those bullies
593
00:19:43,548 --> 00:19:46,185
that she would
cut their guts out, okay?
594
00:19:46,218 --> 00:19:47,635
They still call you "psycho bitch."
595
00:19:47,636 --> 00:19:49,020
Does that sound like
a bad person to you?
596
00:19:49,054 --> 00:19:51,555
No. Rish, I appreciate
what you're trying to do,
597
00:19:51,556 --> 00:19:53,608
but please don't defend me.
You make me sound crazy.
598
00:19:53,609 --> 00:19:54,926
So who are these cute kids?
599
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:56,927
Oh, this is Jean-Jean
and Jean-Pierre.
600
00:19:56,928 --> 00:19:58,095
(Both) Bonjour.
601
00:19:58,130 --> 00:19:59,730
They're my little brothers
from Haiti,
602
00:19:59,731 --> 00:20:00,948
and I'm about to go school 'em
603
00:20:00,949 --> 00:20:02,600
in some laser tag.
Isn't that right, boys?
604
00:20:02,634 --> 00:20:05,036
- (Both) Oui, monsieur Casey.
- They're great kids.
605
00:20:05,070 --> 00:20:06,537
- How dare you.
- What?
606
00:20:06,571 --> 00:20:08,956
We get it.
You're perfect.
607
00:20:08,991 --> 00:20:10,825
You're tall, you're handsome,
608
00:20:10,876 --> 00:20:13,544
you have two adorable children
from a terrible country,
609
00:20:13,545 --> 00:20:14,879
and you're taking care of them.
610
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:17,331
It's a beautiful country
in terrible circumstances.
611
00:20:17,382 --> 00:20:20,751
Okay, cool. You always
correct me when I sound racist.
612
00:20:20,752 --> 00:20:22,787
I don't correct you,
and you didn't sound racist.
613
00:20:22,821 --> 00:20:25,172
And yeah, we're lame, we're Hindu,
614
00:20:25,223 --> 00:20:26,924
we used a groupon for burritos,
615
00:20:26,925 --> 00:20:29,143
but you know what, that's
our lot in life and we love it,
616
00:20:29,144 --> 00:20:30,895
so why don't you just
leave the Lahiris alone,
617
00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:32,430
and, uh, to burrito time.
618
00:20:32,431 --> 00:20:33,814
Boom.
619
00:20:33,815 --> 00:20:35,483
Hey.
620
00:20:35,484 --> 00:20:36,651
I'm sorry.
621
00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:39,904
I know why you're mad at me.
622
00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:41,689
The way I talked you
after church the other day
623
00:20:41,690 --> 00:20:42,740
was not appropriate.
624
00:20:42,741 --> 00:20:44,241
It's just, I was comin' offstage,
625
00:20:44,276 --> 00:20:48,245
and it can be tough to come down
and not be so... full of myself.
626
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:50,948
I bet it's hard to come down
from something like that.
627
00:20:50,982 --> 00:20:52,366
I shouldn't have judged you.
628
00:20:52,367 --> 00:20:54,669
I'm price conscious too,
and burritos can be expensive.
629
00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:57,171
- Are you done?
- Are you done?
630
00:20:57,172 --> 00:20:59,123
Yeah, I'm Casey, by the way.
631
00:20:59,124 --> 00:21:00,124
Hi. Rishi.
632
00:21:00,125 --> 00:21:01,425
- Rapper.
- Scientist.
633
00:21:01,460 --> 00:21:02,960
It's good to see you.
634
00:21:02,994 --> 00:21:06,163
Kind of a crazy coincidence
running into you.
635
00:21:06,198 --> 00:21:08,332
But if God's taught me anything,
636
00:21:08,333 --> 00:21:10,301
it's that there are
no coincidences.
637
00:21:10,302 --> 00:21:11,535
You guys ready to go?
638
00:21:11,536 --> 00:21:13,104
Allons-y, les enfants.
639
00:21:13,105 --> 00:21:14,338
(Both) Oui, monsieur Casey!
640
00:21:14,356 --> 00:21:16,233
You started loving Jesus
for that guy?
641
00:21:16,258 --> 00:21:20,529
He's not 100% bad.
He's just... mostly terrible.
642
00:21:20,562 --> 00:21:21,896
We gotta get you
on a dating website
643
00:21:21,897 --> 00:21:22,980
or something.
[Text alert]
644
00:21:22,981 --> 00:21:23,998
And those aren't his real brothers.
645
00:21:23,999 --> 00:21:25,950
I hope you know that.
646
00:21:25,951 --> 00:21:27,684
I mean, can you believe that guy?
647
00:21:27,685 --> 00:21:29,788
[Text alert]
I cannot.
648
00:21:29,821 --> 00:21:31,355
He is the worst.
649
00:21:31,356 --> 00:21:33,324
I will not be seeing him again.
650
00:21:33,358 --> 00:21:37,394
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/
651
00:21:37,444 --> 00:21:41,994
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